04x23 - Small Claims Court

[bunniefuu]

Hey, what do you say there,
fellas?

Hey, Barney.

- Hi, Barney.
- Hey, hey, hey...

That's quite a blazer you got.

Yeah. Thanks, Harry.

Hey... Hey did you
make any sales yet?

- How can I make any sales?
- I just got the jacket?

Do you mean to tell me that
your boss makes you wear that

ridiculous jacket there
just to be a TV salesman?

Oh, lay off him, Arch.
At least he's working again.

- You said it, Harry.
- Boy, it feels terrific.

Now don't faint, huh.

This is my first paycheck
in four months.

Whoa, well.

- Cash it for me. Will ya, Harry?
- Yeah.

Oh, and incidentally,
how big is my tab?

Five hundred and seventy-two
dollars and 33 cents.

Excellent. Apply five, uh...

No, you better make that
four dollars toward that, huh.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute,
Harry. Jeez. Let me see

the check there. Now
Barney's a regular person again.

Yeah.-

Oh, my God. We can't take
no four dollars

out of a pathetic check
like that.

- That's your weekly pay?
- That's terrible.

Jeez. Your boss must be
an awful thief there.

That's the same as I give my
illegals out in the kitchen.

Oh, yeah? Well, my boss made
a very meaningful statement

this morning,
and I made a note of it.

He said I would make
plenty of commissions

as soon as I learned
the delicate art of molding

the customer's product choice.

Oh, my God. Help me, will you,
Mr. Van Ranseleer?

What could this crappola
possibly mean?

- Conning the customer.
- Right, Barney?

- Similar, Mr. Van R.
- Very similar.

Thanks, Harry.

Oh. Incidentally, Arch,
how long has your TV

- been rolling like that?
- Ah?

Ah, it's been doing that
for weeks.

- The vertical hold is shot.
- Oh, come on.

There ain't nothing
wrong with the TV.

- I told you how to fix it.
- Take the towel and hit it.

Oh, no, no. Give me the towel.
Not in the front of it there.

I told you. Get it
on the side. Like that.

See? There you go.

- All right. Don't panic.
- Just hit it again.

- Come on, now. Come on, now.
- Come on.

Maybe if you yell "Mush."

Maybe you just shush.

Arch, that is definitely
a faulty rectifier.

Or, unquestionably, your tuner
is on the fritz.

Or, without a doubt, that
is a bum picture tube.

- Anyway, look.
- What's the difference?

I can put a brand new set
in there for next to nothing.

Hey, I'll tell you. After lunch,

how about you and me
ankling down to TV Heaven there,

and just browse around, huh?

You mean to say we could pick up

a brand new TV set
right after lunch?

- Yeah.
- No.

Arch, please. Look, I need
the sale.

I can't help you, Barney.

Of course, if we claimed it as
a business expense,

then Uncle Sam would pay
for most of it.

Maybe I can help you, Barney.

Well, you know, seeing as how
you're my closest friend

in the world, and you're begging
me so nice and all...

Hey, thanks, Arch.

Thanks a million. Boy,
you'll never regret this.

- Oh, Barney.
- I never regret nothing.

I don't know. It's a lot more
than I planned to spend.

Louie, you're looking
at the total sum.

But it's only pennies a day,
trust me.

Here, just sign
the installment contract

where I marked it. Go ahead,
Louie. Go ahead.

But all I want is something
to take to the park

to listen to the Mets games.

Louie, baby, in the city
these days,

there's all kinds
of radio waves, and radar waves,

and micro waves
sh**ting all over the place.

All you're gonna get with
a little portable radio
bis static.

Now, take if from
Marty Marquetti.

- Would you do me a favor?
- This is a heavenly deal.

Go ahead. Just sign right there.

- Well, you're the expert.
- Yes, indeed, I am the expert.

And here you go, Louie baby.

Use it in good health.

Now, remember, when you
come back once a month

to make
your installment payment, okay?

You bring me your
social security check,

and I will cash it for you.

Only seven cents on the dollar.
You know why? 'Cause I'm Marty.

I'm your video angel.

- Here you go, baby. Enjoy it.
- Go ahead. Terrific.

- Here we are, Arch.
- Is this beautiful, huh?

Ah. I've seen a million
of these joints.

Hey, Hefner, back from lunch
so early! That's terrific.

Yeah. Well, I hurried right
back, Marty,

as soon as I found
out that my pal here wanted to

- buy a new TV set for his bar.
- Oh.

Yeah, oh I'm sorry.

This is Archie Bunker,
the noted restauranteur.

Archie, Marty Marquetti.

- Oh, how are you? How are you?
- I see you on TV

late at night
with the lousy movies.

Yeah. That's right.

Hey, you don't have to die to go
to TV Heaven.

You got bad credit, you got
no credit.

I don't care 'cause I'm
a gambler. So, come and see

Marty Marquetti at the home
of the heavenly deal,

TV Heaven. How do you like those
spots? They're terrific, huh?

Yeah. Well, no intention
to offend you there,

but, uh, you know, your voice

don't inspire
the same amount of trust there

as the dame that comes on after.
You know the one that advertises

the spray for assisting
in feminine hijinx.

Yeah, to each his own, uh...

So, Archie. What kind
of a TV set

are we looking for, Arch, huh?

Yeah. Well, we've discussed
that, and we decided that

a 21 inch color portable
would be fine.

Uh, yeah. Cool it, Hefner, uh...

- I just had a vision.
- I mean, it's...

It's Sunday in Archie's Bar...

and the place is packed
to the rafters

with all kinds
of free spending customers,

and do you know why
they're there?

It's the Fourth of July.

They're there to watch
the football game

on Archie Bunker's brand
new projection TV,

- with a five-foot screen.
- It's better than a seat

at the 50 yard line.

What do you think,
Archie Baby, huh?

And I think no.

Well, Archie, what if I make you
one of my Heavenly credit terms?

- Ah, but see, it ain't the money.
- It's just that I hate

that big screen TV there.

I don't think nobody needs
more than twenty-one inches.

Right. You're the boss,
Archie. Uh...

Uh, listen, uh, Hefner,
why don't you show Mr. Bunker

some of the portable TVs.
You wanna excuse me a minute?

- Yeah, sure.
- Good day, madam. Welcome
to TV Heaven...

Here we go. I think one
of these three

will probably do the trick.

Uh, well, they all look
the same to me.

Well, certainly they do.

There's no reason why you should
know anything about these.

- That's why I'm here.
- Your salesman.

Now you take the first one
here. This is all Quartz tuning.

Comes as a shock to you, right,
huh? Now, you take

this second one here. Now,
this is all solid state.

Don't be upset. There's no
reason you should know that.

And the third one,
right on the end here.

This is, uh, 20 dollars off.

- Ah.
- Mmm.

Well, the third one on
the end is beautiful, Barney.

- Yeah, I thought you'd
like that.
- Yeah. Yeah.

So, with the 20 dollars off,

how much you going to nick me
for that?

Uh, well, let me see. I'll do
a little quick calculation here.

- Four forty-eight to four...
- It comes to 428.

All right, Barney. It's a deal.-

With a fifty dollars
carrying charges.

Fifty dollars! No deal!

But Arch, you promised.
Look... Look, I need this sale.

Well, then knock off
the fifty dollar
delivery charge.

What the hell is that?

The bar is only three
blocks from here.

You want that deal. You carry
that set over yourself.

Wait. I'll have to ask Marty,
huh?

These tweeters will
not only play Beethoven,

they'll call your dog for you,
too.

I don't know. I really only
came in for one of these.

- Excuse me a minute.
- Eh, pardon me. Hi.

Hey, look, Archie doesn't want
to go for the delivery charge.

- Oh, but...
- Do what you have to.

- Okay.
- Just don't bug me.

- Yeah, thanks.
- Now, listen...

- It's a deal, Arch.
- All I have to do

is write up the order.

- Well, snap it up, Barney.
- I ain't got all day.

Yeah, okay. Uh, first here,
we got the "Name".

- Come on. Will you, Arch?
- Look, I've been here

- over an hour already.
- I'm going to get fired.

Pipe down, will you?
Can't you see I'm trying to do

some delicate
electrical surgery here?

Can't you see what you done
talking to me?

You made me run a wire
right through my ring finger.

Hey, boss. Hey, boss, Raoul says
you sold him

this old TV for 20 dollars.

That's right. So?

So I think I should get
first crack at a deal like that.

- Why?
- -Because I'm the top man here that's why.

It's not my fault he
has no respect for you.

Hold it. Hold it.

I do have respect
for Jose there.

- All right, Jose.
- You want the deal?

Give me twenty dollars.

No, thanks. He can have that
piece of junk.

I just want the respect.

Come on Raoul, I'll help you
get it in your car.

How's it going, Arch?

Ah, fine. Just one or two
more things to do.

Barney, make yourself
useful, huh? Hand me that

screwdriver on the bar, huh?

- Screwdriver, yeah.
- Yes.

Yeah, and also
the wire stripper.

And the wire strippers.-

I don't suppose that was just
Harry dropping a beer mug.

Harry was nowhere near it,
Mr. Van R.

That was Barney, Mr. Van R.

Murdering my brand
new television set.

But stay tuned,

'cause the next sound
you're gonna hear,

is me murdering Barney.

It... It didn't fall very far,
Arch.

Maybe a repairman could fix it.

Barney, a whole swarm
of Jap engineers

couldn't do nothing
about that set.

I got an idea.

- Don't make me laugh.
- Listen.

We put it back in the box,
take it down to Marty.

You've got your sixteen
day warranty, right?

Okay. It says that within 16
days, if anything happens to it,

TV Heaven will replace
or repair it free.

You think it will work?

Just don't let Marty look
in the box.

It ain't exactly honest.

We know that, Harry. We ain't
exactly children around here.

The only important
question is, will it work?

Okay, enjoy. Go ahead.

Hi there, Marty. We're back,
and Barney has something

- to say to you.
- Oh, yeah?

Uh, hiya, there, Marty.

You see, uh, we ran into
a little problem here.

- Uh, Archie's set doesn't work.
- Oh, what's the matter?

- Don't let him look in the box.
- Don't look in the box.

I... I ought to look in the box.
You want to put it down there?

Why do you wanna look
in the box?

- We already looked in the box.
- Eh, it just may be a fuse,

- or something like that.
- That's all.

- Arch, he's looking in the box.
- Is he, Barney?

Boys. Boys, boys.

- So we bumped it a little.
- Bumped?

It looks like you pushed it off
the World Trade Center.

We didn't drop it from
any higher than that.

- Hold it. Hold it, Barney.
- Don't say "we".

I had nothing to with it.

Your salesman dropped it off
my bar.

Now, here's my warranty, Marty.

I'll let that do the talking
for me.

No warranty covers
product abuse.

Now, you could've used
my delivery service.

But you, Archie,
you were too cheap.

- So, you know what I say?
- Case closed.

Oh, Marty. Don't be
closing cases on me.

And talking about cases,
let me ask you this.

Have you ever
heard of the firm...

Raoul, shouldn't you be working?

The firm, Rabinowitz,
Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz,

Rabinowitz and Chan?

Your attorneys and their cook.

That's exactly right, Marty.

And they are going to sue
the wings off of you.

- Arch... Come on, Archie.
- I get sued every day.

My lawyer is so busy, I had
to get him a room

in the courthouse just so he can
get some sleep.

Well, okay, Marty. Then I'll
see you in front of the judge.

And until then, arrivederci
and...

Am I fired, Marty?

Of course not, Hefner. How
could I fire my... star witness?

Why can't nothing ever go right
for me?

Bunker, why didn't you just
pay the delivery charge?

Listen, it wasn't the money
there. It's just delivery guys.

You know them. They always
scratch stuff.

You didn't want
the set scratched?

That's rich.

I'm going to call up
your Uncle Abe,

and tell him that you are
laughing at his oldest client.

All right. Now, don't do
anything excessive, Bunker.

Look, just stop payment
on the check.

What check? I paid him cash.

Why?

Because Marty gave me
two percent off

on the first 15 dollars.

Oh, boy, that ganef doesn't miss
a trick.

You know, as dumb as
I know you were about this,

I'd love to nail that guy.

- You know Marty?
- Oh, yeah.

I bought my Uncle Abe
a clock radio there.

And I spent six months taking it
back, trying to get it fixed.

No matter what time he
set it for, it always went off

at 4:00 a.m. My Uncle Abe would
call me and ask

why I was trying to k*ll him.

All right, let's get back
to this guy Marty, now.

How are we going to get him?

Well, do what you threatened
to do. Sue him.

Ah, come on. Sue him?
It'll cost me an arm and a leg.

No, no, no. Not if you took
him to a small claims court.

It costs less than five dollars
to file.

And, hey, if Marty doesn't
show up, you win automatically.

Sounds like odds I could
live with.

But then, I don't wanna have
to pay your fees in court.

No. You represent yourself.

Of course, I'll go along
with you.

I wouldn't miss it.

Yeah. Well, maybe I could do
that. You know, my own lawyer.

Hey, I've seen Perry Mason
enough, you know.

I used to watch him for years
before he went into

the wheelchair, and was pushed
around by the colored guy.

Bunker, the legal world
is waiting for your debut.

Now, don't forget.

Barney's testimony is going
to be very important.

Oh. Well, then we're in.

Barney? He's one of my oldest
and closest friends there.

I know he won't let me down.

I knew you'd let me down.

Come on, Arch. I gotta tell
the truth.

Also, I gotta keep my job.

Uh, Archie, baby, look.

I'm sorry it had to come
to this,

but since it did,
I'm going to clobber you.

Hey, I wouldn't be too sure.

You, who are you?

I know you. You're the schlub
who bought the clock radio.

That's who I am.

He also happens to be
my attorney.

Is that Rabinowitz?

- That's right.
- You should have brought Chan.

He seems pretty confident there.

Ah, forget it, Bunker. He's just
trying to psych you out.

Yeah... Yeah, I guess
that's part of the drama.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

While I certainly
understand your frustration

at not being able to collect
on your dental bills, Doctor,

your attempt to take back
Mrs. Scott's dentures

by force while she was still
in the chair

was a little excessive.

Therefore, I am disallowing
the medical expenses

for the bites you received.

You're dismissed.

Next case.

Archie Bunker versus TV Heaven,
Marty Marquetti, owner.

All persons connected with this
case please come forward.

Get outta my way, Barney.

Oh!

All principals and witnesses,

stand up and raise your
right hands.

Do you solemnly swear

that the testimony you are
about to give

is the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth,

- so help you God?
- I do.

I absolutely do,

but that's speaking
only for myself, you know?

Court is now in session

in the case of Bunker
versus TV Heaven.

Judge Anthony Barzini presiding.

I object.

To what do you object,
Mr. Bunker?

Ah, well Judge, after all,
you know...

There's a Marquetti
sitting over there

and a Barzini up on the bench.

I mean, in the interest of what
you call "fairness" there.

I mean, don't you think
this case is, a little bit,

uh... not to make a bad joke
uh, wop-sided?

Prison. The man is going from
small claims court to prison.

Mr. Bunker,

are you intimating that
I would render a biased decision

because one of the litigants
is Italian?

You see, they're all against us,
eh, paesano?

I am not your paesano,
Mr. Marquetti.

What the hell do you mean,
don't prejudice the judge?

He ain't gonna be prejudiced
against me. I ain't colored.

I've taken very careful
note of your objection,

and I consider it moronic.

I'm satisfied with that,
Your Honor.

Let's proceed.

Now, Mr. Bunker, you're
asking for 428 dollars

to replace a television set

which you bought
from Mr. Marquetti.

Would you please
tell me what happened?

Ah, yes.

Your Honor, it started
because I need a brand new TV

for my bar and grill,
Archie Bunker's Place,

to the other side
of Northern Boulevard.

If you're ever
in the neighborhood,

stop in for a light lunch,
anything you want, on the house.

Hey! Stop. That hurt me.

Mr. Bunker?

Uh, it's my attorney here,
Judge. He just pinched

the outside of my thigh.

Maybe he's warning you
not to offer me a bribe.

Oh! Judge, jeez. A bribe
is the last thing that

came into my head. Uh, no, I was
just trying to, you know, the...

The old fashioned way of passing
the time of the day, you know,

something nice to say that day.
You know, you scratch my hand,

I would wash your back.

I think it's a bribe
and I think it's disgusting.

Mr. Marquetti, let's hear your
side of the story.

- Right, Your Honor.
- Here it is in a nutshell.

You see, this guy Bunker here
bought a TV set from me,

only he didn't want to
pay the delivery charge.

Now, when he and his friend
over here

went to install the set,
they dropped it.

- I got to object to that.
- Yes, Mr. Bunker.

That man over there, Hefner,
he ain't no friend of mine.

Come on, Arch. Have a heart.-

And furthermore, that man there,
Hefner,

who's a suspect here,

he was working for this man
here, which I will call

a perpetrator, at the time
of the scene of the crime.

Your Honor, what is he
talking about?

Hefner was a lifelong friend
of Bunker and Hefner

- was on his lunch hour.
- He was never on no lunch hour.

Gentlemen! Gentlemen, stop it.

Certainly, Your Honor.

The question here seems
to be whether Mr. Hefner

was on his employer's time,
or on his own time

when he dropped the set.

Go ahead, pal. Tell the judge.

I object to that man answering
that particular question.

- Why?
- 'Cause he's gonna lie.

Bunker, what am I gonna do
with you?

Tell him to shut up.

- Thank you, Your Honor.
- Shut up.

All right,

Mr. Hefner, and please
remember you are under oath.

Were you or were you not
on your lunch hour,

on your own free time when you
delivered the television set?

No, your honor. I was not on my
lunch hour.

What?

He's right, Judge. I have never
known that man to lie.

You have anything to add,
Mr. Marquetti?

I'm gonna check with my lawyer.

Very well. I find for Mr. Bunker

in the amount of 428 dollars.

And I have never rendered
a decision with greater regret.

Will you please get the hell
out of here?

I assume that means that
a raise is out of the question?

Next case, Little Sisters
of Hope versus TV Heaven,

Marty Marquetti, owner.

Let me have another one,
will you, Harry?

I've got no gainful employment
to go to.

- There you go, all set.
- Ah.

- Hey, nice picture.
- Good sound, too.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

It's doing that funny stuff
again, there.

Come on, will you. Jeez! That
ain't no better than
the old one.

Oh no. Your old one is
working fine in my house.

Is this what your old set
was doing?

Yes. The same as that
one's doing there.

- You should've called me.
- That ain't the set.

It's your antenna. You'll need
a whole new set up.

A whole new set up?
What is that going to run me?

Well, for this here, it'll cost
a 150, including installation.

Plus, uh, 425.95
for the new set.

Plus, 75 for delivery
and installation.

That comes to, uh, 650.95.

- But the hell with it.
- Just write me a check for 650 dollars.

Six hundred and fifty dollars.

And I rode out of that courtroom
thinking that I was ahead.

Where the hell does justice
break down in this country?

- When did it all start, huh?
- FDR? Jimmy Carter? Where?

Where? Where?