01x23 - Misfortune Cookie

[bunniefuu]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER: And now, DreamWorks'
"The Penguins of Madagascar."

[CLOCK CHIMES]

[THEME SONG]

-Cute and cuddly, boys.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Yeah!

h* h*!

Yay!

-Weeee!

-Huh?

Huh?

-Allright, boys, that's
enough for this school group.

-Shouldn't we
finish the routine?

-Always leave 'em wanting more.

-Ohh!

-The penguin is
native to Antarctica.

KID: Ooh!

Ooh!

Did you know a group of
penguins is called a rookery?

-It's a bird, but
it doesn't fly.

-Hey!

Hey!

Did you know penguins can
swim 15 miles an hour?

-Keep an eye on
"Johnny Smartglasses."

The boy knows too much.

-Hey, batter, batter, batter.

Hey, batter, batter, batter.

-Not yet.

I want to know where
he gets his intel.

-Did you know the only
way to tell boy penguins

from girl penguins
is a DNA test?

Huh?

Huh?

-Never mind, boys.

Kid's off his wing-nut.

Pffft!

Like we need some
DNA test to tell us

we're 100% Antarctic macho.

-Hoohah!

-Listen, kid, all
I know is we've

got three males and a female.

The birds know which is which.

-Um-- spit.

Loogie hockey-- that's how a
real man gives a DNA sample.

Am I right?

-That Alice, she doesn't know
what she's talking about.

-Pffft!

Clearly.

But don't worry,
this DNA analyzer

will establish once and for all
our macho manly man machismo.

Plus.

That's a male result for Rico.

[BURPS LOUDLY]

Plus.

Private's a male, too.

-Yaay!

-I also am a plus-- obviously.

-And a big old plus sign for me.

Well, that's that.

[GASP]

What?

You've ever seen a plus
sign so large and manly?

-Dah!

Um, how about that
local sports team?

-There, there, Kowalski.

[GRUNTING] Let me see my--

-Step back!

You don't want--

-Minus?

-Uh, Skipper, it
appears Alice was right.

We do have one
female, and it's you.

[GIGGLE]

-Sorry.

-No.

Wrong.

Double-wrong.

Wrong infinity-- there's
no way I'm a female!

-All right, what
you are experiencing

are the five stages of grief.

Right now, you're in
Stage One-- denial.

-I am not.

All I'm saying is your
stupid machine is wrong!

-Well it's based on scientific--

- --then science is wrong!

And you're wrong.

Everybody's wrong but me.

I demand a different test!

-I'm not sure it's going
to be as accurate as--

-Just do it, man!

-Take your time, Skipper.

There's no right
or wrong answer.

-Eh, ah, hmm, a-ha!

-Madam?

-Lies!

Yah!

Ahah!

-I see we're in
Stage Two-- anger.

Next, we should see bargaining.

-Private, how's about
we trade DNA results?

Come on.

-Skipper, I don't
think that's how--

-Depression.

-[CRYING] My life is over.

It's over.

It's over, over, over!

-And finally, acceptance.

-Well, I guess you got to
play the hand you're dealt.

Rico, hit me with
a pretty pink bow.

-Howak!

Ah-ha!

-Let's move out, gentlemen.

-But you're--

-Sure, we moved
past that, Kowalski.

This doesn't change a
thing about our operation.

Now come on, we've got
a full mission schedule.

-All right, we'll
start with an easy one.

Massive simian hair clog in the
chimp habitat drainage system.

-Rico, demolition.

-Yay!

-Tada!

-Yay-- mm-hm, mm.

-Recover stolen souvenir shop
merchandise from sewer rats.

Check.

Now a hasty escape and--
Skipper, what are you doing?

-Come on!

Lady, door, what?

Is chivalry dead?

-Ugh!

Ahh!

-What's the hold-up?

-Hang in there, Skipper.

I'm sure the zoo must have
a ladies' room somewhere.

I've just never really
paid attention before.

-You know, we could just
stop and ask for directions.

What is happening to me?

[SHOUTING] Curse you, DNA!

-Maurice, why is that penguin
wearing a pretty pink bow

on his head and shouting
at the sky spirits?

And also, I have
a follow-up-- how

come I do not have
a pretty pink bow?

OK, I am bored
for a new question

already, like
where's my smoothie?

-It's coming, Your Highness.

It looks like we
just got to give

the blender a
second to warm up--

-Your second is too slow.

OK, not working.

Let us move to Plan H.

-Don't you mean Plan B?

-No, no, Plans B
through G are much too

ridiculously dangerous.

Plan H is that Mort goes
down to the under the ground

electrically power cables
and doesn't come out

until the smoothie
machine works again.

-I like Plan H!

Weeee!

[CRASH]

-Good, Mort.

Now start pulling things
out of other things

and putting them
into new things.

I'm sure it will
work itself out.

-OK!

[CLANGING]

Ahhhh!

Oooh!

-In light of--

[CLEARS THROAT]

--events, I feel I can no
longer serve in this unit.

-Um, I don't--

-No!

No.

-Eh, yes, actually, probably so.

-Yeah.

-But Skipper, where will you go?

-On an epic quest, old friend.

I'm walking out of here a
confused, naive little girl.

And I'm not coming
back until I've

learned to be a real woman.

So I'm thinking we start with
the basic princess theory,

then on to the fine
art of eyelash batting.

-I'm sorry, you're a girl?

-Open your mind, sister.

I'm here for help.

-At being a girl,
which, I guess, you are?

-Exactly.

And I need you to teach
me all the girly stuff,

you know, like makeovers
and poodle skirts.

-Wait, whoa, whoa,
whoa, ah ha ha.

That's your idea of girl stuff?

-What?

It's more about lip
gloss these days?

Big problema, sister,
I got no lips.

-Skipper, if you're a
girl, then girl stuff

is, well, whatever
you like doing.

If you're into the commando
thing, being a girl

doesn't change that.

-Of course, not.

It just means now
I'm no good at it.

Now, pass me some
chiffon, dollface.

I got a hankering to
sew me some curtains.

-Ugh.

[CRASH]

[SCREAMING]

Um, shouldn't you be
looking into that?

-Land sakes, no.

That sounded dangerous.

How about we stay here
and gossip about boys.

-Grrr!

-Hey, that's no way
to treat a lady.

[YELLING]

-Save the King!

The others are optional.

-Oh, it's sparkly!

Ooooh!

-Those are live
electrical wires--


sheer mortal danger.

-Just hang on, Your Majesty.

Oh, now, how is
that even possible?

-Those lemurs are in
trouble, and there's

no one else here to save them.

So what are you going to
do about it, girlfriend?

-I-- I should, but girl, can't.

KOWALSKI: It's
all right, ladies.

We've got this one.

-Oh, well, if the boys are
already taking care of it.

Come on, sister, let's
make pink lemonade.

He'll be thirsty
after a good rescue.

-Mhm!

-Grrr.

-But wait, what if Marlene's
angry face is right?

Those lemurs need an
organised rescue team.

And the team needs a
skipper-- maybe-- just maybe.

[SCREAMING]

-Don't worry, gals, everything's
still under control.

Aaaugh!

Friends.

Trouble.

Danger growing.

Commando mojo returning!

-My butt's frying.

Aaugh!

-Come on, Skipper,
you can still do this.

It's time to show those guys
what girls are really made of.

-Pretty pink bow!

-Ah.

-Heyaa!

[GASP]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Hm!

Ha!

h*!

Hu!

Hi!

Hm!

Ha!

-There's something
different about that one.

SKIPPER: Aaaaaah!

Ah!

Whoa!

That-- that was--

-100% girl awesome!

Woooo!

-You know what?

It really was.

Up high, sister!

-Wooo!

-Uh, Skipper, we don't
quite know how to say this,

but, uh, well, even
as a female, you're

still the machoest
manly man I know.

-Yeah.

-I'd be honoured to
take orders from a girl.

-The honour's all mine, boys.

-OK, very touching, but none of
this fixes my smoothie maker.

Why are you so powerless?

-Powerless, huh?

Something must have
overloaded the circuit.

But what could
have drawn so much

electricity that-- of course!

A blown fuse.

Well, let's just swap
that out and, uh-- a-ha!

Just as I suspected.

The DNA analyzer
was the power hog.

Dah!

I knew I shouldn't have included
the optional beak shiner.

-Ooh-la-la.

-Skipper, look!

-The female minus was really
an unfinished male plus.

-Oh finally some mayhem!

I'm a real boy after all.

Yeah!

-Well done, yeah!

-That a boy, Skipper!

-All right, all right.

Thank you, But I'd like
to think we've all learned

a valuable lesson today-- boy,
girl, all that really matters

is how well you use a pink
bullwhip in a crisis situation.

-Ooh, wait, see I don't think
that was really the lesson.

-Grrr.

-But how could
Alice have been so

wrong about there
being a girl penguin?

-Ah, she's a mammal.

Everyone knows
they're all morons.

-What?

-We'll work on
that one tomorrow.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[HUMMING]

-Phil.

Phil.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Ah, lovely.

Phil!

Ah, Private, so good of
you to join me for tea.

One lump or two?

-One, please.

-Ow!

-Yo, a little help.

-Here you go, fellas.

-He goes downtown.

-I call the little
bird for our team.

-No, no, no, we get
the little bird.

-You can have Sir
Teatime Fancy Pants.

-First of all, I do not wear
pants-- fancy or otherwise.

Second of all, I am not
interested in playing

your idiotic game.

Third of all, how could you
not want me on your team?

-Probably because he
figures you stink.

-Oh, I'm not the one who stinks!

I suggest you point your nose in
the direction of the simian who

roots through trash and
wallows in filth all day long.

That, sir, is who stinks!

-I think he's talking about you.

-I am talking about Phil!

[SNIFFS]

-Um, Mason, perhaps
you need a moment.

-Yes, perhaps I do.

Aah!

[THUD]

Ooh! that does it!

Phil, I refuse to clean up
after you from henceforth.

And hey, yah!

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

-Something feels off.

Kowalski, analysis.

-Skipper, if my calculations
are correct, we have a guest.

-Oh, you really should
sanitise your work surface.

-Private, shields up.

What in peeled
potatoes is going on?

-Mason kind of
wigged out a little.

-Wigged out?

How?

-Huh?

-Stuff happens.

So why is he here?

-Well, Phil is a bit
of a slobby puppy.

And it's getting to Mason,
if you know what I mean.

-Hmm, so you think the
chimp has been pushed

from ordinary neatnik to
compulsive cuckoo bird.

-Yes, that's it.

-Perhaps a short stay here would
be just the break he needs.

-Wow, that's exactly
what I was thinking.

-Shields down.

MASON: I heard
every word of that.

-Can you hear me now?

-Clear as crystal.

-Really?

How about now?

-Yes.

-How about now?

-Yes.
-How about now?

-Yes.
-How about now?

-Yes.

-How about now?

-Yes, like a bell.

-Well, you're in luck,
simian neighbour.

You're catching us
on cleaning day.

-Did you say cleaning day?

[LAUGHS EXCITEDLY]

-Please, leave this to the pros.
for your own safety, step back.

-Preparing to launch
Operation Squeaky Clean.

-Launch!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Private.

-Sorry.

[GIGGLES]

-Tada!

-How could I have not known
that paradise was but a habitat

away.

-So that must have been a
pleasant change of pace,

eh, Mason?

-You got to just
kick back and relax

and leave the cleaning to us.

[SQUEAKING]

-Wonderful.

-May we surmise that you
are now rested and ready--

- --to move in here?

Brilliant!

-Uh, I was going to say to
move back to your own habitat.

-This is terrible.

Mason and Phil are best friends.

They belong together.

-Gentlemen, Mason
is a clean freak,

and Phil is a disgusting slob.

They're Yin and Yang.

-Maybe we need to just
get them back together,

and then they'll realise how
much they need each other.

-Hmm, sounds like a plan.

-Plan.

-Get on that, Private.

-Me?

-Hey, you're the one
he followed home.

-Ugh, who told
you that, Skipper?

At least, talk to him.

-Fine, but I really
don't see the point.

-Yes, hello to
you as well, Phil.

I, uh, believe an
apology is in order.

What do you mean?

I don't have to apologise.

For being bossy?

You are the one who
should be apologising

for your infinitely
inconsiderate-- hey!

That is exactly what
I am talking about.

Good day, sir!

-Oh, dear.

I think a wonderful
way to begin would

be to say something positive.

-I am positive that
Phil is disgusting,

inconsiderate, and selfish!

-What did he say?

-No idea.

-Go pound bananas?

-Ooooh!

-Tell it like it is, primate!

-You go!

-Let's try some role-play.

Pretend I am Phil.

-Well, it's a bit of a
reach, but very well.

-Now, pretend I've
just made a mess.

-Oh, Phil, another mess,
which I must clean up now.

-No, no, that was all wrong.

Pow!

"Oh!

Oh!

I sure do like a tyre swing!

Oh!"

-It's uncanny.

-I know.

-Ooh, do me!

Do me!

-OK, OK. "Oh!

Oh!

I sure do like stinky fish.

Oh!"

-None of this is helping.

MASON: Skipper,
let me assure you

that I will be a valuable
addition to your team.

-You've got commando skills?

-Better.

I have cleaning skills.

-Well, you're wasting
your time here.

We run a sanitary operation.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

-Oh, at last!

-Like I said.

-Right-o.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHS EXCITEDLY]

Oh!

Can't clean if
there's not a mess.

Can't do it.

Eh, it's nothing.

I'm fine.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Good heavens!

Do you see that?

No.

Nobody move.

I've got it.

-I'd have sworn there was
nothing there when we passed.

-We don't even eat bananas.

-All right, all right,
everyone get back.

Come now, move along.

Show is over.

-Another suspicious mess?

-I'm afraid so, Skipper.

Worse this time-- peanut shells.

-Peanuts?

-Don't look at me.

I've been here all day.

SKIPPER: What kind of sick mind
would leave messes like this

over and over?

-I have worked up a
profile of a perp.

-I know that face.

-Good evening.

Oh, dear!

Another mess.

Shall I get it?

Excuse me.

-Not yet.

-No, really, I can do it.

-Somewhere in this mess, our
perp left a calling card.

Might as well have
signed his name.

-Fine.

SKIPPER: Mason!

Why?

-Oh, you wouldn't understand.

Nobody understands.

-You can't bear not having
someone to clean up after,

so you made messes for yourself.

-Oh, I stand corrected.

You understand completely.

-You've got a real
sickness, Chimpo.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

What?

-There's a party at Phil's,
wanted me to spread the word.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Did someone say party?

Yeah, baby, I'm ready to--

[BURPS LOUDLY]

-Hey, ey, ey, ey, ey, ee ee.

[GRUNTING LOUDLY]

-Eh, this is a little, eh,
lowbrow for the King, you know.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-They're behaving like animals.

-Private, please!

They're behaving like mammals.

Let's not let birds and
reptiles in with this crowd.

-Yahoo!

Buddy!

-Operation Reduce,
Reuse, Recycle.

-Yaaah!

-Where's Phil?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Phil!

Phil!

Phil!

-Oh, why?

Fear not!

Filth will not win this day.

[GRUNTING]

Ugh!

Quite welcome, old friend.

Now if you'll excuse me.

-Hoowak!

-It's cleaning time.

[LAUGHS WILDLY]

[THUD]

One lump or two?

-One, please.

Thank you, Phil.

-He's really turned into
quite the gentleman.

[CHUCKLES]

M-- more or less.

[THEME MUSIC]