02x01 - Ice Week!

[bunniefuu]

[thunder]

Men: Oh!

[men shouting]

[seagulls crying]

Stupendous: Ice!
[crowd cheering]

Tyrannis: You're a month late.
You should resupply
and get going

If you want to make it in time
for next year's ice week.

Almost forgot.
Thanks! 5 stars.

[people chanting "ice week!]

♪

Tyrannis: All right.
Let's get more ice
over here, can we?

Let's get those ice sculptures
higher, huh, guys?

Gonna need that ice slide
to be way more slippery.

And remember not to stick
your tongue to the ice.

It will get stuck.

And I need twice the slush
in the slushies.

You know what they say:
No skimping during ice week.

Miriam: Hey, guys, guys.
Rub it on your privates.

Tyrannis: That's the spirit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Keep 'em moving.

Those beauties are
for the ice dance.

Take 'em straight to the venue.

Joshua: King ty, king ty!
Look at this!

No more boo boo!
My boo boo is completely gone!

I had a boo boo,
and what did I put on it?

A poultice of dung and leaves?
No! Friggin' ice!

Tyrannis: You know
what they say:

No boo boos during ice week.
Joshua: Ha ha!

Tyrannis: Is that
the ice virgin I see?

Ice virgin: That's an honorary
title, right?

Because I've done everything.
Tyrannis: Oh, well,

Everyone lies during ice week.

Kolax: Hey, are you gonna
take her to the ice week dance?

Ice virgin: I said
I've done everything,

Not that I'll do anything.
[laughs]

Tyrannis: Very funny. Everyone's
very funny during ice week.

[chewing ice]
orphan: King ty, I'm an orphan,

And I'm wondering,
is it true that

Everyone has a family
during ice week?

Tyrannis: Did I say that?
Kolax: Hey, look!

A reporter.

Tyrannis: It's true. There are
no orphans at ice week.

[crowd cheering]

Get rid of the kid. No visible
orphans during ice week.

Kolax: You got it, boss.
And, hey,

Go easy on the ice chewing.

They say it's a sign of
sexual frustration.

Tyrannis: You're overstepping,
kolax.

Deliria: What are you doing?
Surely you're not

As amazed by ice as they are.

You lived through an ice age.

Oh, a grotesque monster
frozen in a moment of terror,

Left to melt
on the side of the street.

Great party, mortals.

Shlub: I think

This is my old friend opie.

Deliria: Oh. I'm....Sorry?
Shlub: No, he would love

To have been called grotesque.

Makes me think of the old days.

We were quite the terror
in our youth.

And now here he is, frozen,

And I would have to assume dead.

Whereas I...Am old.

Well, as opie used to say,

You mess with the snake...

You get the horns.

Deliria: Can you stop doing
whatever this is?

Sadness? I don't like it.

Shlub: Would that I could,
but I'll do the next best thing

And stop being sad around you.

Deliria: Hmm.

Hippocampus: Thanks for coming
with me all the way out here.

The witches have the best
deals on magic metals,

Even if they're always
trying to pucker up.

Witch: Mwah.
Stupendous: No problem.

What ty wants, ty gets, right?

Even if it's last-minute
magic metals

To help keep the ice going
for stupid ice week.

Hippocampus: Yeah. I figured
you'd want to get away, too.

I don't mind running his
errands if it gets me

Out of that circus, right?
Ice week. Pfft.

Stupendous: Yeah. Too bad
we have to get back so quick.

Didn't this chariot have
horses and wheels earlier?

Witch: Ohh, I can help you
get your horses back,

For a true love's kiss.
Ha ha ha! Mwah.

Hippocampus:
Lady, be professional.

Stupendous: Plus, there's a sign
right over there.

Witch: No! There goes my
best shot at a first kiss.

Tina: So, king ty, we're doing
a little puff vase for ice week.

I'm not from around here,
and I know my vase-lookers

Want to know: What's so special
about this week?

Tyrannis: Well...

♪

Well, ice week celebrates
the human triumph over the ice.

It's usually really hot here.
So hot here.

Tina: Right. Ok. So, what's
your favorite part of ice week?

Is it the ice dance?
I've been hearing a lot
about the ice dance.

Tyrannis: Well, ice brings
people together.

Tina: Clearly.
You know, they say chewing ice

Is a sign of sexual frustration.

Do you have any thoughts
about that?

[tyrannis gulps]
I thought this was

Supposed to be a puff vase,
not a deep dive

Into whether
king ty can score or not.

Always keep things light
during ice week.

Tina: Relax. I was talking about
the ice humpers.

But I can tell you're
a tough nut to crack.

Oh, no, chloe.
Will you excuse me?

Tyrannis: Please don't leave.

What are you doing here?

Orphan: Your goon
tried to drown me.

Tyrannis: Oh, wow, he really
overshot the assignment.
Very sorry.

Orphan: I thought there was
no drowning during ice week.

Tyrannis: Listen, this might be
inappropriate to tell a child,

But there's this reporter here,
and it turns out

She's simply spectacular.

It was hard enough when
it was just about

Getting good press coverage, but
now I see it's about that

And impressing a pretty lady,

Which I'm very close
to doing, so...

Orphan: No, you're not.
Tyrannis: If you'll just

Make yourself scarce.

I'm sorry.
What did you just say?

Orphan: You're not
giving her anything.

Tina: Knock knock! Sorry.

I just saw that my daughter
was on her third ice cone

And I had to get her.
I wish I could have

Left her home with her dad,
but she doesn't have one.

Orphan: My mom also went away.

Tina: Is this your son?
Tyrannis: Well...

Tina: I know it's
not professional to say this,

But I think it's sexy when a man

Takes responsibility
for his kid,

Stays in the same city
as his kid, and is alive.

♪

Tyrannis: Well, I sure do
love this little guy.

In fact, I think
I might just keep him.

[laughter]

Tina: You really
undersold it before.

This is such a magical place.

And you organized
this whole thing,

All while balancing the
responsibilities of fatherhood?

Tyrannis: As it turns out,
men can do it all.

Here. Try this.

Tina: Hmm. What is it?

Tyrannis: Frozen yogurt.
I like to call it froyo.

Tina: I'll just call it
frozen yogurt.

Tyrannis: I wish you could
hear how uncool you sound.

Tina: Do you like it, chloe?
Chloe: Yes, and I like this man.

Tina: Well, you passed
a crucial test.

Chloe's chased away
some real contenders.

Tyrannis: This is
a great treat for kids.

I take little ty here
all the time.

Some say I spoil him.

Orphan: Yes. That's why
I wear such raggedy clothes.

My father wants to
keep me humble,

But he's going to buy me

A fancy outfit
for the ice dance.

Tyrannis: Hey,
why don't the two of you see

Who can stand under
the biggest icicle?

[kids laughing]

Tina: I have to say, I've never

Seen an unmarried king.

Tyrannis: Well, I'm a rarity.
Tina: Seriously.

I mean, it kinda doesn't
matter with kings, right?

Like, it doesn't have to
do anything with
personality or looks.

They have money and food.
Tyrannis: Yeah, I--I get it.

Tina: There's a king in crimea
who weighs 400 pounds
only in the trunk.

Jaw can't open, nose is
on the side of his head,
and he's wifed up.

Tyrannis: Well, I guess
I'm just picky.

Tina: No, I mean,
the economics alone.

Who wouldn't have shoved their

Daughter in your face by now?

Tyrannis: It is a mystery.

Can we move on?

Deliria: There you are.
I don't like knowing

You're so down in the dumps.

Shlub: Oh, don't worry about me.

Deliria: I didn't say
I'm worried.

I said I don't like knowing it.

But I have
a little surprise that I think

Might turn things around.

I've been working on it
this whole time.

Quite a production, in fact.

A lot more work than I expected

But I believe it'll be worth it.

What was that catchphrase
you said

Your old monster friend
used to have?

Shlub: You mess with
the snake...

Opie: ...You get the horns!

Shlub: Opie! You're alive!

Opie: Yeah!
Your wife here brought me back.

Speaking of which, wife?
Come on.

[shlub laughs]
opie: Really? You got married?

How long was I dead for?
Till the minotaur laid eggs?

[laughter]

Deliria: I don't get it,
so, I'll leave you to it.

[both grunting, laughing]

Stupendous:
Maybe it was stupid to go to

The witch's hut before ice week.

Hippocampus: Who could have
predicted that the horses

Would steal our wheels
and ride off?

Stupendous: Why do you think
that's what happened?

Hippocampus:
I've done experiments.

Horses are obsessed with wheels.

Stupendous: Look! Another sign.

Looks like it's that way
to the horse vendor.

I might go for a palomino today.

Hippocampus: Although, stupe,
hear me out.

If we go to the river

And get swept downstream,

We'll end up at
the inventors' guild.

We can borrow a vessel
and make up a ton of time.

Stupendous: A "vessel"?
But the horses are right there.

Why are we making this
more complicated?

Hippocampus: Trust me.
I've done the calculations.

What's the big rush?
Did you buy yourself

A new snowflake gown for
the ice dance or something?

Ha ha!
Stupendous: Ridiculous.

That would be so
out of character. Like,

"look at me, looking good,
trying new things,

Having a good time
with the ice!"

Hippocampus: Snowflake gown.
[laughs]

Crack myself up.

Tina: You know, I never do this.

Female vase painter

Getting involved
with her subject.

It's such a cliche.

Tyrannis: Well, have any
of your former subjects

Given you a floor of ice
to slip on?

[people screaming]

And what about this?
You ever seen

One of these bad boys before?

Tina: Yeah, it's a sweater.

Tyrannis: Well, you're gonna
need it if you're

Gonna go to the ice dance.

It's cold in there.
You need layers.

Tina: Oh, am I going
to the ice dance

In a personal or
professional capacity?

Tyrannis: Can't you do both?
As my date in one role

And a journalist covering me
in the other?

Tina: I guess so. I'll just
have to disclose it on the vase.

Chloe: She says she never
does this,

But you should see her vases.

They're covered in disclosures.

[people screaming]

Shlub: Oh, opie, it is
good to see you.

I haven't felt
this young since...

Opie: You were young.
[laughter]

What the hell is this?
Shlub: Monster hall of fame.

Opie: Is that sean?
Shlub: Yes.

That b*stard gave a good fight.

We lost him a thousand or so
years after you.

Opie: Glad to see the thrill
and terror of wanton destruction

Hasn't died down at all.

Choose death, am I right?

Shlub: Hmm. Yes. Of course.

Opie: So, it's all these
humans now, huh?

They look like little gods.
Shlub: Oh, they're all right.

Opie: And you said that
there's no titans anymore.

Shlub: Oh, opie,
so much has changed.

Opie: Yeah, but
rampaging and pillaging

And wild, random violence
against humans hasn't changed.

What? It has?

Come on.
Not too much, I hope.

All those years in ice, they got
me really craving blood.

Shlub: Really? I thought they
might have chilled you out.

[laughs]

Opie: Shush! Shush, shush.
Man: So, I was like, buddy,

I don't know what a will is,

But I definitely don't need one.

Man 2: Ha ha ha! Classic. Aah!

Shlub: No, no, no, no, no, opie!

Man: Don't look him in the eye.
Aah!

Shlub: Opie, we don't really--
opie: What is going on here?

Is it not about the death
anymore for you or something?

Hooah! Here. I see a cowering
shoe salesman. Go get him.

Salesman: Anything for the sale.
Anything for the sale.

You snooze, you lose. Ahahaha!

I don't even have feet.
Hahahaha!

Ah! You really have
changed, bro.

Hippocampus:
The part of the journey
with the most variability

Was the being swept downstream.
And whether anyone would

Answer the door
at the inventors' guild.

We should focus on
those triumphs.

Stupendous: Why would you
choose to rely on

A solar-powered vessel

This late in the afternoon?

I never would have agreed
if I knew

This is what I was
signing up for.

Hippocampus: These things
usually go much faster.

Why are you so upset?
Stupendous: No reason.

I just thought we'd
get back to ice week

In time for the ice week dance.

Hippocampus:
Because of the metals?
Ty will get over it.

Stupendous: So you really
hate ice week, huh?

Hippocampus: No,
I mean, I don't hate it.

I just don't like
being stuck out there

With the crowds and people.

Everyone's shoving and noisy

And their hands are cold. Why?

Hey. Don't stress.

It'll still be
ice week tomorrow.

Stupendous: Will it be, though?
Nobody knows

How long an ice week is.

Deliria: Now what's wrong
with you?

Have you not been having fun

With your snake creature friend?

Shlub: He thinks I'm a joke,
a sellout.

Seeing myself through his eyes,
I feel older

Even than I did before.

Deliria: The nerve of you!

I tried to make you happy,

Something I've never
done for any man,

And now I've done it,
you're sadder.

A thank you would be nice.
Shlub: Well, first of all,

I don't need you
solving my problems.

[deliria gasps]
I beg your pardon?

Shlub: Second of all,
he's right about everything.

I've become a mascot to humans
and a goddess' pet.

I'm sorry I came home.

I'm going back out to party
with my friend.

Like the monsters we are!

Deliria: You're welcome.

It really is true what they say.

Resurrection is never
worth the trouble.

Tina: Chloe and I
should get going.

Tyrannis: You've got
a lot of layers

To put on
for the dance tomorrow.

Kolax:
Boss. I've been looking for you.

Two things.
First, some ancient monster

Was rampaging
the town square earlier.

Did a lot of gratuitous m*rder.

Tina: Monsters rampaging at
ice week? That's a huge scoop.

Tyrannis: I assure you, there's
no rampaging at ice week.

Kolax: And second--
oh, there he is.

I'm sorry, ty.
I thought I drowned him.

He musta held his breath
or something.

Tyrannis: That's enough, kolax.
Tina: Ty,

What's he talking about?

Tyrannis: Nothing.
It's--it's fine now.

Everything is fine.
Kolax: My boss king ty

Told me to k*ll this orphan.

Tyrannis: No, no, no, I didn't.

Kolax: Yeah, you--you said
to k*ll him.

Tyrannis: Not the case!
Kolax: And I did.

I am not a liar.
The kid held his breath.

If anything, he's the liar
for pretending to be dead.

Tyrannis: I did not say
k*ll the orphan.

I said get rid of the orphan,

Which is not
the winning argument

I think I thought it was.

Tina: I have a vase to paint.

Tyrannis: Great.
Why not just tell her

I'm sexually frustrated, too?

Orphan: She definitely
already knows.

Shlub: Oh, that's the sad
kind of drinking.

Hate to see it.
So, what happened?

Tyrannis: I blew it with
this girl. Why are you sad?

Shlub: I have a little
monster incident to deal with.

Tyrannis: The one who did
all the murdering last night?

Shlub: I know, I know, and there
are no rampages during ice week.

I'll take care of it.
So, tell me about this girl.

I can see you're
sexually frustrated.

Tyrannis: But I'm not even
chewing ice right now.

Shlub: What does ice
have to do with it?

Tyrannis: I don't know.
I don't

Understand the connection.

I just want what
you and mom have.

Shlub: Just be honest with her,

And I'll be honest with you.

You'll never have
what your mom and I have

Because we're very, very hot.

Stupendous: Maybe you're right.

All that
bullcrap about ice week.

It's all bullcrap.

Hippocampus:
I didn't say that exactly.

Hey, you seem pretty hung up
about the dance all of a sudden.

Stupendous: Well, you know
about the snowflake gown.

Hippocampus: I was just
making that up.

Stupendous:
Well, the gown is real,

And it's exquisite.

It really hugs my curves.

Hippocampus: Ok, so,
you don't hate ice week.

Why didn't you just tell me?

You didn't want me
to think you're a loser?

Stupendous: Since when
do I care what you think?

Being a ruthless k*lling machine
can get a little lonely.

Not a ton of people
want to hang out.

Hippocampus: I never would have
purposely sabotaged ice week

If I knew how you felt.

Stupendous: Well, it turns out
ice week

Really is stupid after all.

-What do you mean?
-You know what they say:

When you tell the truth
during ice week,

You get your ice wish.

Well, I wish we'd be there

In time for the ice dance,

And that's not gonna happen.

Hippocampus: Hold on.
I think I have an idea.

This might not work.
And if it doesn't,

We're both gonna look like
idiots. And probably drown.

Stupendous: Well, those two
things cancel each other out!

Hippocampus: Do they?
[ice cracking]

Hippocampus: Let's go!

[panting]

Shlub: There you are.
Deliria: Having fun at last?

Shlub: No, I was having fun
before all this.

If I had only remembered
when I first saw that ice

That "you can only be so old

When you're smashing
solid gold."

Deliria: That is what they say.

Shlub: I'm sorry for ever

Questioning how lucky I am.

Deliria: Well, it was
insane of me to find fault

In you being unhappy.

You're allowed to be unhappy

As long as you keep
giving me that slappy.

Shlub: Another classic
expression.

[people gasp, scream]
opie: Shlub!

There's a whole lotta
humans gathering.

You want to see if anyone
can put up a real fight?

Shlub: You know what, opie?
I know the perfect place

For some good, old-fashioned
carnage. Come with me.

Opie: Oh, man, I'm so glad
you had a change of heart.

Who are we gonna k*ll? Oh,
maybe we take on the gods again.

Oh! Your wife?

Shlub: The woman I treasure
more than life itself?

Quite the escalation.
Opie: I know, right?

What better way to choose death
than murdering someone you love?

Shlub: I know what you mean,
old pal.

Let me just pick something up.

Opie: Wow. Respect, man.
That's hardcore.

[coughing] you think
I made the wall?

Shlub: Yes, buddy.
I think you did.

Opie: Uhh!
[thud]

♪
[indistinct chatter]

Tyrannis: Ugh, what now?
Orphan: Listen, man,

I have to tell you something.
Tyrannis: Ok.

Orphan: I'm not an orphan.
I'm actually

An apprentice butcher.

I'm 23 years old.
I was playing you.

-But why?
-Let's not get judgy.

I just wanted 3 squares a day,
just like you wanted tina.

By the way, she's also
a soulless monster

Who uses children as props.

Maybe you two are
made for each other.

Tyrannis: Made for each other?

♪

Hey. I'm surprised you came.

Tina: Why? I have to finish
my story.

Tyrannis: I owe you
an explanation.

I owe you the truth.

Tina: Is it that
you pretended that an orphan

You had recently tried
to get m*rder*d

Was your son
in order to win my trust?

Tyrannis: That's one truth.

But much like at this dance,

There are layers.

Ok, so, the truth is,
I am sexually frustrated

And I was keeping it a secret
from everyone.

Tina: No, you weren't.
Everyone knew.

Tyrannis: Right. Ok.
How about this?

My fake orphan son

Isn't an orphan at all.

He's a weirdly young-looking

Adult con man.
And a butcher's assistant.

I don't know why
he has that job.

You'd think he could make
a decent living

Just as a con man.

Maybe he likes meat?
Or hates animals?

At any rate, he was playing me,

Just like I was playing you.

And perhaps you were playing...

No? Nothing you wanted to share?

You know if you tell the truth
during ice week,

You get an ice wish.

Tina: Well, while we're spewing
truths, chloe's not my daughter.

She's just a kid I found
when I was drunk.

And then I kept her around
because she was useful

In getting my subjects
to lower their guards.

But I gotta tell you,
she's getting on my nerves.

You think you can
get your goon to drown her?

[gasp] never mind.
Don't ask him.

That can be my ice wish.

Tyrannis: I think I'm in love.
Stupendous: We made it!

Tyrannis: Stupe, you look great!

Stupendous: Thank you! Uhh!

Oh, my gosh,
this ice is like water.

People: Wow! Ooh!

♪

Stupendous: Ohh!
Hippocampus: Ha ha ha!

Yeah. Come on.
[stupendous and hippocampus
laugh]

Hippocampus: Whoo!
Deliria: It's what

He would have wanted.

Shlub: Absolutely.

Just look at that smile.

Tyrannis, voice-over: And that's
the thing about ice week.

It's just like life.

Everyone tells the truth.
Everyone lies.

There's real magic.
There's false magic.

It's cold. It's wet.
And it ends.

[kids laughing]
tyrannis: Get back here, orphan!

[explosions]

Richard: Well, I guess
this is good-bye, then.

Julia: Uhh. Richard, wait.
You forgot something.

Richard: Oh, right.
My shawl.

Both: [muffled speech]
[richard laughs]

Phil: Wow. I can't believe
all three of us

Were stuck that whole time
and now we're in love.

Richard and julia:
[muffled speech]

Man: Did you get any of that?

Person: Bento.
[cheering]