15x11 - Objects and Ornaments

[bunniefuu]

APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to QI,

where tonight, we are ogling an
odditorium of objects and ornaments.

Let's meet some ornaments
to their profession.

The opulent Sarah Millican.

APPLAUSE

The ostentatious Cariad Lloyd.

APPLAUSE

The oratorical Alice Levine.

APPLAUSE

And, objection! Alan Davies.

APPLAUSE

And their ornamental noises are from
priceless objects

kindly lent to us by the Victoria
and Albert Museum. So, Sarah goes...

GLASS WIND CHIMES RING

That's nice, pretty, isn't it?
Cariad goes...

MANTLE CLOCK CHIMES

Lovely. Alice goes...

MUSIC BOX LULLABY CHIMES

LAUGHTER

And Alan goes...

TAPPING ON GLASS

Don't touch the exhibit, sir!

RUMBLING

GLASS BREAKS, CRASHING

Well, that's horribly familiar,
that.

Right, top question, where are you
most likely to come across a UFO?

GLASS WIND CHIMES
Yes? Millican?

In the sky?

KLAXON

Anybody else?

MANTLE CLOCK CHIMES
Yes? Reading.

Not much happens in Reading, so...

Don't you think they'd want to go
somewhere where

the stuff is happening?
No, because they want to be secret.

The whole of Reading could be
aliens, you wouldn't even know.

Why do they want to be secret?

This big assumption that they come
here all this way

and then just hide. That's true.

Somebody knows a lot about them,
don't they?

Near airports, because they always
look like planes, weirdly.

Yes, that is quite a strange thing,
isn't it? Yeah.

They do look like planes.
And the answer is the ocean.

The most common and most dangerous
UFOs are

Unidentified Floating Objects.

These are pieces of lost cargo
and they lie along the shipping

routes, just under the surface, and
they can damage ships tremendously.

Between 2008-2013,

an average of about 1,700 shipping
containers were lost at sea.

Look at this picture!

That is seriously bad packing,
isn't it? That's...

Surely not in one go?

Well, about half of those 1,700

came from a single ship,
the MOL Comfort.

The ship actually broke in half
and all the containers
went into the sea.

But that's fair enough then.
Yeah. That wasn't careless, was it?

No. No.

Some of the strange stuff that has
washed up in the sea,

in 2008, a six-foot-tall Lego man -
my people... What?!

..washed up on Brighton beach.
Aw! That's amazing.

The really extraordinary thing is,

I've been trying to find out
what happened to it.

It just swam off.

If anybody knows,
please could you let me know.

I want to know where the
Brighton Lego man is.

I'd like to come and say hello.

Why is it never a
Lego woman that's washed up?

Because the Lego woman wasn't
beach-ready.

APPLAUSE

So...

February 2017, £50 million
worth of cocaine washed up

on a beach in Norfolk, and I don't
know where that is either.

SNIFFS

There is a National UFO
Reporting Centre, which is

the UFOs that we normally think of,
the Unidentified Flying Objects.

It was started by a man called
Robert Gribble,

who's a fireman from Seattle
and he collects UFO sightings.

And since 1905, there have been
105,000 reports of alien sightings.

A tenth of those have been here,
in the UK.

But the photos are never on a camera
that's more than one megapixel.

Yeah. It's always
conveniently grainy.

A little bit fuzzy. Yeah.

Anybody know the best
place in the UK to see a UFO?

MANTLE CLOCK CHIMES
Yes, Reading! Reading! No.

I think there's some near us.
Do you?

Because my dog barks at all
other dogs,

but no people,
apart from one family near us.

And whenever they walk past,
we just,

we look at, my husband and I go,
"Lizard people."

And I know that they're walking
past going, "He knows."

Norfolk. No, it's not,

it's Scotland,
it's Bonnybridge in Scotland.

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's the place where
you are most likely.

I don't know why. Is that one of
them? Is that guy an alien?

This is a man called Billy Buchanan,
he's a councillor in Bonnybridge.

I'm not sure why he photo-bombed
our shot of the sign.

They have 300 sightings a year,
roughly, in Bonnybridge.

Is it all by one man? "I've seen
another one, and another one."

He has 65 days off a year.

It's also known as
the Falkirk Triangle.

The fact is that Bonnybridge
is under three flight paths,

including those for Edinburgh
and Glasgow Airports.

And just, it's your point there,
Alice, isn't it?

I mean, just saying.

But the place in America that you
would most likely find a UFO

is Roswell, is the place that
everybody thinks about them.

So these are the street lamps
in Roswell, aren't they great?

Well, you're not helping matters,
are you? No, not really.

Every night at around 7pm,
they come out.

I wondered if I could interest
you in an insurance policy

against alien abduction?

How much is it?

Well, for about £120 a year,

I can protect you
against alien impregnation.

What if I was on the pill?

Or 41, you know.

Well, men are also able to purchase
impregnation insurance of this kind,

for protection against the unknown
capabilities of alien technology.

So your pill,
not really going to be anywhere.

So far, more than 30,000 of
these policies have been sold. No!

I love these insurance policies.

In 2000, there were three
sisters from Inverness who insured

themselves against the possibility
of miraculously conceiving

and raising the second Christ.

I hate it when that happens.
Hate it when that happens, yes.

Right - you wake up
covered in orange paint,

there's confetti everywhere

and you smell of smoke.

What the heck happened?

Thaaat's Tuesday!

Now, can anybody, first of all, spot
whose face that is, in the picture?

We've Photoshopped... Cariad.
It's Cariad's face.

How do you not
recognise your own face?

Yeah, I mean, no...

So, as a man,
sexily posing with spots all over

his body and an orange haze,
I wasn't instantly sure it was me.

I was! Sandi, tell me, what is it?

They are all methods...

LAUGHTER

I would need to take more
clothes off, but I'm not going to,

unlike the picture.

Those are all methods of dealing
with offenders. What?

So, anybody waking up with those
has probably committed a crime,

is the truth of it.
Take the orange paintballs,

they're for shop staff in Japan
to throw at offenders.

They are the size of a tennis ball

and they are known as "bohan yu
kara boru" -

anti-crime colour ba*ls.

And the idea,
if somebody's committing a crime,

you throw it at them, and then
they are marked and easier to track.

You have to be good at throwing.

Well, this is the main problem
with them.

You might hit the wrong person.
Yeah. Yeah, God.

So, they are widely distributed,

and under moments of stress, staff
either tend to forget they...

..the staff tend to forget
they've got them...

You have no reflexes at all. No.

Cariad's reflex is just to
go into the position in the photo.

And people forget they've got them
or they freeze,

or they see that the robber
is armed and think,

"That paintball thing,
not going to go so well."

They have signs in the shops where
they've got the orange paintballs,

that does seem to put some
people off from robbing them, but...

That's what they do in Poundland.

They have a picture of a policeman
in the window, because

if they put a picture of a policeman
in the window, people shoplift less.

Do they? Yeah. So they could put a
picture of the ba*ls in the window.

That's all they need.

Do you feel like you should say
something though,

when you throw it,
you should be like, "No!"

Yeah, like, "Stop! "Don't!"
"Stop it." Yeah.

"Bad." "I've seen you."
I quite like that with a robber,

"Stop it." "Stop it!"

Do you know, I was on a train once,

and there were some boys who'd had a
sherry too many, and they were being

very vulgar and loud and frightening
some people over on the other side.

And I suddenly stood up and I went,
"That will do!"

APPLAUSE

They said sorry.

Smoke machines, used in some
stores in the UK, they set them off

and it obscures the view of any
stuff in the shop, whatsoever.

And makes it like
an '80s music video.

"So, we're really mad that you're
robbing us, but..."

# Whooooaaa... #

And confetti is another
safety mechanism.

When you fire a Taser g*n,
apparently,

it also releases a tiny
amount of confetti.

Oh, how lovely. Well, you know, kind
of, "Ow!", but, "Ooh, nice."

"My heart's stopped! Aaaah."

If you look in the middle picture,
you can just see little bits,

tiny, coloured bits of confetti.
Has somebody literally thought,

"Oh, I mean, it's so sad, let's jazz
it up when they get tasered."

It's supposed to deter people using
Tasers to commit crimes.

In order to get a Taser, you have
to register it with the company,

and then you get a specific number,
that number's on the confetti

to make sure that bad people
don't use them.

You know what
they could have done instead?

when I got married, people threw
confetti, which was lovely,

cos it's, like, pretend-y flowers,
but some people threw rice,

and I don't know if you know this,
but rice really hurts.

It's like being pelted with grit.

So, anyway -

what was Lord Montagu's secretary
doing on the bonnet of his car?

Wow! Hmm.

I don't know, but she called
a lot of people before she did it.

It must have been a warm day.

Was she a cog in the patriarchy,
but she was getting paid for it,

so in a way it was OK,
because of the time?

It's possible I love you, Cariad.

Er, no.

He was Lord Montagu of...?

Beaulieu. Lord Montagu of Beaulieu.
Was is Beaulieu famous for?

Motor Museum. Motor Museum.
So cars, we're talking about cars.

This is a bit like how they used to
entice you to buy lots of things.

Like washing machines, you're like,
"Do I want a washing machine?

"Oh, a sexy lady is sat on it!
I now want that washing machine."

He was particularly associated
with one motorcar.

A British-made one? Yes,
beautiful, amazing... A Bentley?

No, possibly, I think, the...
A Ford Ka.

The most beautiful car of all time.

Rolls-Royce? Rolls-Royce!
Rolls-Royce, absolutely right.

Oh, was she the lady?
Yes, the iconic figure. Ah!

The Spirit of Ecstasy.

Eleanor Thornton,
she was the secretary to

John Walter Douglas-Scott, Montagu,
second Baron Montagu of Beaulieu.

A motoring pioneer.

And he commissioned
a figure as a personal mascot

on the front of the
1910 Rolls-Royce Silver Ghost.

It was called The Whisper.

And so the original one
was like that,

because, allegedly, it was a secret
love affair that they were having.

It's not that secret if you've put
it on the front of all the cars.

Was his wife like,
"Oh, right, I see,

"so you based that on your
secretary, but nothing's going on?"

To be fair, you wouldn't
necessarily know who that was.

You'd be like, "Does
he work with anyone with one eye,

"a moustache, a crew cut

"and one mono-boob?"

"His secretary!"

Over the years, people have put
lots of ornaments and the choice

is not always suitable for the sort
of things that people have had.

So there's been...

Oh, my God. So that's why they
standardised it.

The Whisper became
the Spirit of Ecstasy,

because they didn't want people
doing that kind of thing.

The DVLA has a banned list
of licence plates that runs

to 46 pages, things that you may not
have as your licence.

Bollocks. Well, kind of.

So, this one is supposed to be rude

if you read it in your rear
view mirror.

So can anybody work it out?

Oral... I nearly just did that!

I haven't got a mirror with me.

Yeah, it's supposed to be oral sex.
Anyway, it's banned, it's banned.

"Banned! Banned!

"Ban! Possible humour, banned!"

"Possible smiling, banned!

"No smiling on the road, banned!

"Do not think of sex! Banned!

"Stop it, stop it!"

See if you can work out
these other ones? "Filth!"

Top left? Doggers. Doggers.

Doggers. "Banned! Banned!
No intercourse."

Heroin? Heroin. Oh, scrotum.
Scrotum.

SARAH: Oh, scrotum.
"How dare you! I feel sick!"

What's the bottom one? Alcohol. Oh.

"Banned! No!"

It's fair enough to ban alcohol.

I love that Sarah just went, "Oh,
scrotum, are these available ones?

"I'll just..."

In America, you can buy these, OK?
Oh, Sandi. I know.

Do you know how to handle them?
Hang on a second...

Hang on a minute.

I've totally got this. "Cough."

When you said cough,
did you just breathe in a little,

have a little sniff?

She did, she went, "Cough,"
and then she went, "Wahey!" Hey!

This is a sight you will see
nowhere else in the world.

Alan, is that normal size?

Well, they're a little small.

They're called... Jesus!

They're called truck nuts.

Wow!
And they are genitals for your car.

Do you know what, I'm all right
thanks. Oh, come on. "Banned!"

Well, they have been
banned in some states.

Have they? Truck nuts?
What, you hang them on your truck?

Yes, look, there. See the picture.

What's wrong with that?

Right, moving on.

Describe the world's
best-dressed crab.

MUSIC BOX LULLABY CHIMES
Alice?

I'm going to say a little
bit of lime, some chilli, some mayo,

and then just, yeah, served
with, like, brown bread, probably.

That does sound delicious.
Sounds good, doesn't it? Yeah.

But I'm actually talking about a
live crab. You didn't say that.

No, I didn't. I should be clearer.

A lot of the things you've said
tonight have been ambiguous. Yes.

And that's difficult for me.
Welcome to the show.

Is it in a shell suit?

APPLAUSE

I'm proud to be your friend.

No. There's something called a
dresser crab,

or indeed the decorator crab.

And what it does is it gathers
material from all around itself

in order to blend in with
the surroundings.

So it's basically making
camouflage clothing.

They cover their shells in seaweed,
in sponge and pearls,

chewing on the material in order
to make it fibrous,

and then it attaches it to itself.

It's got, like, little, tiny Velcro
bits on its claws and legs.

I love this one, it's seriously
getting dressed-up.

That's Cardiff on
a Saturday night, that is.

That's proper getting ready.

And they're found off the coast
of Australia. They're tiny.

Just over 1.5 inches.

And sometimes what they do is
they put noxious stuff on them

to ward off predators.
It's called aposematism.

It's called Lynx.

Other sprays are available.

But there are lots of what
we call augmented animals,

so, animals who make themselves
look a bit different.

One of my favourites,
Uraba lugens caterpillar.

It keeps its old
heads and wears them as hats. What?!

Oh, my God.

That is hoarding gone mad.

As it grows, it sheds its
exoskeleton

and the protrusion on the top
of the head remains,

and eventually it has a stack,
which it uses both as a weapon

and as a false target for any
would-be predators.

It's known as the Mad Hatterpillar.

Yeah, I mean it would be,
wouldn't it? Yeah.

Found in Australia and New Zealand.
Isn't it wonderful?

That's incredible.
He doesn't even need that.

Look how much you'd remember
him anyway. Yeah.

"You know the one,
do you remember the guy,

"you met him last week, he had five
heads on his, five heads as a hat."

Five-Head Gary, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's another one
which is a beetle that lives

in the Costa Rican rainforest.

It's called Nymphister kronaueri

and it disguises
itself as an army ant's bottom.

So, that looks like it's
just an ant,

but the bit that is a protrusion,

as if the ant has got terrible
haemorrhoids, is actually a beetle.

And what it does is,
it bites onto the ant

and then it rides around disguised
as an army ant's bottom.

What a life. We've all done it.
What a life, I know.

Do you think the ant knows
what's happening,

why it's got an extra bum?

Or do you think the ant is like,
"Oh, my God, the piles are back?"

Yeah.

It'd keep going like that, wouldn't
it? "What the hell is that?"

"There's something...
I'm sure there's something..."

And the beetle's like that.

"Oh, no, no.

"You never see me."

And every now and then it goes...
HUMS TWILIGHT ZONE THEME

"I can hear something,
I can hear something."

But then the ant will
sh*t in its face.

"Ugh, you ruined it!"

"You were behind me,
you cheeky beetle!"

All the other ants are going,

"You haven't put on any weight,
you look fine."

"Oh, really, are you sure?"
"You look fine."

Then the five-head caterpillar goes,

"Have you seen him?
He's hanging onto his arse."

"Shut up!"
"He's hanging onto his arse."

"Well, he can't possibly be
living down there."

"He is, he's on his arse!"

"There's a beetle on
the ant's arse."

"There's a beetle on the
ant's arse?"

"Yes, I can see it from here."

"Swap places, swap places."
"All right."

"Oh, there is, there is, there's
a beetle on the ant's arse!

"Go and have a look." "All right."

"I can't get up there,
why am I always at the bottom?"

APPLAUSE

Something like that. I like that
they're all from the same animal,

but they're all from
different regions, different places.

Isn't there a thing - you can
have your bottom made bigger?

Can you do that?
Bottom implants, yeah. Can you?

I just eat more.

How do you guarantee that it
goes to the bottom?

You just sit a lot. OK.

Now, what is the lady at the back
of this picture saying?

"What's going on?"

Has she got a mask on?
She has got a mask on.

Is she wondering how she's
keeping her mask on?

Because I can't see any elastic.

That is exactly the question.
So, these are black velvet masks.

We haven't got black velvet ones,
but we have got masks for you.

They were worn in the 16th century,
and the way you kept them on,

there's a sort of a bead, but we've
done a button for you there.

And you put that in your mouth.

If anyone turns on now, this is
like an episode of Black Mirror.

So the answer is, she's not saying
anything, because she's using...

MUFFLED: Because she's got
a button in her mouth. Sorry, what?

She's got a button...
MOCK MUFFLED: She's got a button
in her mouth.

Is exactly right.

She's saying,
"I'm not marrying a hippo."

Why...?

The glasses are a triumph,
if I may say so.

I have a re-occurring nightmare
and it's this. This, right here.

Why might she be wearing it?
What's the reason?

Is it scars from horrible
sexually transmitted diseases?

She's proving how rich she is.
So how is she doing that?

Oh, to keep her skin so white?

I was going to say, she looks almost
as pale as me. Yeah.

So, the idea is to avoid sunburn.

The most complete example that we
have of one of these

is the Daventry Mask, which was
discovered - there it is -

in Northamptonshire,
found inside a wall while they were

renovating a 16th-century building.
And the idea is...

They've spent about five seconds
making that, haven't they?

"You'd be better off not going out!"

The lady in our painting is actually
wearing something called

a moretta muta, it was a Venetian
variation on the mask.

Does anybody know what
this painting is?

It's a wonderful painting of
Clara the Rhinoceros, from 1751.

This is a sort of sad story,

17 years, she was toured round
Europe, and of course it was

an extraordinary thing, nobody
had ever seen rhinoceroses.

They've just taken the horn off,
is that what they've done?

Well, as far as we know,
the year before she was displayed in

Venice, she had rubbed the horn off
in Rome, where she was on display.

So, clearly, an animal in some
distress. And she eventually...

Whenever I'm in distress,
I rub a horn. Always. Yeah.

Eventually, she came to Britain.
In fact, she died in Lambeth,

at the Horse and Groom pub, where
she was being shown for sixpence.

We've all died at the
Horse and Groom.

Now, where would you find
these ornaments?

MANTLE CLOCK CHIMES
Oh. Yes?

That is an orchid. It is.

That's genuinely called
something like the...

Oh, like, the hanging willy man,
or something.

It's called the orchis italica.
Oh, OK!

"Ha-ha-ha! The orchis italica!"

"Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

It's known amongst gardeners as,
like, the naked man, isn't it?

It is called the naked man orchid,
is its nickname.
People who can't do Latin, like.

FARMER VOICE: "My naked man's come
up lovely this year."

"I've got 16 naked men
in my garden."

"I've been giving a lot of attention
to my naked man."

Which is funny, because the orchid
is named after the female genitalia.

That's where the Latin comes from.

I think the orchid's name
means testicles.

You've got your genitalia round
the wrong way, which...

That could explain a lot.
I can help you with that.

But orchids come in the most
wonderful shapes.

There's one shaped like the laughing
bumblebee, on the left there.

Wow. The other one is the
swaddled baby. Yeah, yeah.

And then the one on the right,
it's a birthwort flower.

Do you not think it looks
a bit like Darth Vader? Yes.

That's an STI.

"I'm not going to come in,

"I'm just going to send you
a photograph of it."

"I can't get any
clothes on with this thing.

"Could we Skype? Could we Skype it?"

It is known as Dutchman's pipe,
is its nickname.

Oh! You do not want one of those.

And apparently it stinks,
it smells of rotting flesh.

No, orchid means testicles,
because in... Sorry, I got my...

No, it's all right. In middle
English it was called Bollockwort.

The next time you're backstage with
somebody and a marvellous orchid

has been delivered, you go,
"Oh, nice bollockwort."

I think we should bring that back.

Bollockwort is much better
than orchids.

I've got two lovely bollockworts,
actually, on my windowsill.

Good for you. Hmm.

One of the UK's rarest plants
is an orchid,

it's a beautiful thing
called the ghost orchid.

It was first
discovered in Britain in 1845,

and isn't it delicate and amazing?

I like the one with the c*ck more.

What I like about you,
Sarah, is you're reliable.

Now, the object of the game is to
avoid the klaxons,

as we play General Ignorance.

So, fingers on buzzers, please.

What would a medieval
knight call this?

Chain mail. Chain mail.
KLAXON

No, it's just mail. Oh. I know.

Is that like saying PIN number?

Yes, it is what's called
a Victorian pleonasm.

It's when you use many more words
to explain something than

is necessary, you don't really
need that many words.

Isn't that QI? It is QI, yes.

In Lord Of The Rings, you know
they had all that chain mail?

So, it took seven years to film
the Lord Of The Rings films,

and there was a man whose only job
was to slice a thin plastic tube

every single day, and in that
plastic tube he made the chain mail.

And on the special features
of the DVD of Lord Of The Rings -

it's, like, 40 hours,
you can watch it...

Wow! We're lucky you're here
tonight. Yeah, I know.

And this man, they said to him
at the end, "So, you've been
doing this for seven years."

He went, "I wouldn't take back
a day, it's been the best
experience of my whole entire life."

But what's it for?
To make fake chain mail,

they couldn't give them real,
because it's too heavy.

So they made it out of plastic
and sprayed it silver.

So, why are they remaking it every
day? Cos there were so many extras,

there was so much to make,
they had to constantly make it.

Had everyone thrown it
away at the end of the day?

No, it's plastic,
so it just kept breaking.

And also, Viggo Mortensen probably
was, like, really living it,
because he was so...

LAUGHTER

Moving on, medieval battles were
full of mail-on-mail action.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Working me arse off here, people.

What would you have seen
tumbling across the prairie

after George Washington made
a terrible joke?

ALICE GROANS

MUSIC BOX LULLABY CHIMES
Alice?

Tumbleweed...
KLAXON

The answer is, we don't know
whether he ever made a joke,

is the truth of it.
But we do know it wasn't tumbleweed,

because during his
lifetime there was...?

No tumbleweed? No tumbleweed.

It's native to Russia, not to the
USA, and it arrived in the USA

long after he had passed away,
in the late 19th century.

It was accidentally imported in
shipments of flax seed from Russia.

Although when you drive now,
you do see it just like that.

And a single tumbleweed can become
the size of a Volkswagen Beetle.

They can bury houses,
they can fuel forest fires,

I mean it is fearful stuff.
Oh, my God!

As it tumbles, it scatters seeds up
to 250,000 per plant.

So it keeps perpetuating itself.

And in 2016, there's a rural
city in Australia called Wangaratta,

and they were hit by a type
of tumbleweed called hairy panic.

That could be your wrestling name,
Sandi. Yeah.

"Here she comes, all the way
from Denmark, it's Hairy Panic!

"She's small, but she's fierce!"

Right,
does anybody fancy a cup of tea?

Yes. Tea all round?
Yes, please. Yes. Ooh, yes.

Yes, I feel there's not
enough tea breaks.

So what I'm going to do, I'm
going to... Do you have any herbal?

Jesus Christ.

No, I haven't.

Right, anybody know,
to the nearest 100ml,

how much water did it take to
make this tea?

To make the whole pot? To make the
cup of tea I'm giving you.

So one cup of tea, I'm going to...
I've given you a little bit of milk.

And everybody gets two sugars, you
don't have to use them, but I'm...

So, that's what I'm asking.
There's a cup of tea.

Tea, Cariad? Thanks, darling.
Thanks. Do you want sugar?

Do you guys want sugar?
That's piss weak, Sandi.

I didn't actually...
I didn't make the tea.

I have people for that.

To the nearest 100ml?

300. 300!
KLAXON

Do you mean to the cup
or in the flask?

Yes, so one cup, to the
nearest 100ml,

how much water did it take
to make the tea? 200.

KLAXON

I sense a pattern here. Any more?

100? 100!
KLAXON

Ten litres.

Ten... You're getting closer. Oh?

Yes. The answer is 52,000ml.

Oh, to grow the tea plants?
That's why it's so weak.

That wasn't the question!
It was, to make this...

I'm trying to work out
how much that is.

Yes, but it's QI.

Oh, I forgot what
programme I was on!

52 litres of water, roughly,
go into white tea with two sugars.

So we'll see how it breaks down.

Around 30 litres to make the amount
of tea in a single tea bag.

Ten litres to make the dash of milk.

And six litres needed for every
teaspoon of sugar.

So, 60 billion cups of tea
consumed in Britain every year.

So that gives us a footprint of
3,000 billion litres of water.

That's about ten times the volume
of water in Lake Windermere

that is needed to make
the tea for Britain.

Imagine making Lake Windermere
into a giant cup of tea.

Now that you have dodged that round,
let's take a look at the scores.

And in fourth place, with
a magnificent -34, it's Alan.

Thank you very much.
APPLAUSE

In third place, with a very
creditable -29, Sarah.

APPLAUSE

In second place,
and considering it's her first show,

what an incredible score,
-18, Alice.

APPLAUSE

And, finally, in first place,
with four points, Cariad!

APPLAUSE

Tonight's prize, Cariad,
obviously...

This lovely pair of truck nuts.
There you are, congratulations.

Thank you, thank you.

APPLAUSE

It only remains for me to thank
Alice, Sarah, Cariad and Alan,

and you've all been so great it's
practically criminal, so let's

break out my favourite object -
confetti cannons. There we are.

Ready? Steady, fire!

CHEERING

Good night.

APPLAUSE