18x04 - Restaurants

[bunniefuu]

Hello and welcome to QI,

where, tonight, we are absolutely
ravenous for the rich

repository of recipes

that is the QI restaurant.

And joining me tonight,
a rack of rib ticklers.

Rolling a rhubarb roulade,
it's Sara Pascoe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Reducing a recherche ragout,
it's Mark Watson.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Relishing his remarkable relish,
it's Phill Jupitus.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And reheating a reduced
ready meal, it's Alan Davies.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right. Let's hear their buzzers.
Mark's goes...

Yes, Chef!

Ah, very good. Sara goes...

Right away, Chef!

Phill goes...

Making it now, Chef!

And Alan goes...

CLATTERING AND CRASHING

Sorry, Chef.

LAUGHTER

Why would you want to eat
in a restaurant with a heavy fork

and nothing fresh on the menu?

Right away, Chef!
Is it because you're in space?

The great restaurant in space?

LAUGHTER

Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know that much about space
or restaurants... Clearly!

..but if there was one,
then the heavy fork would stop it

floating away... Doesn't really
work, that, with gravity.

There either is gravity
or there isn't. Yeah.

If the people are floating away,
the forks aren't going to be...

LAUGHTER

Sprouts are going to be all over,
while you can't lift your fork.

This is just like the toothpaste
that astronauts have.

What do you need the fork for?

To open the toothpaste!

It's like somebody
direct from Nasa.

Mark, what do you reckon?

I think the space thing sounded
quite plausible.

You liked that?
Yeah, because in space,

you can't have anything fresh. OK.

They grow things in space, don't
they? It's nothing to do with space!

LAUGHTER

Phill, help me out.

I'd love to help you out. Go on.

So, are we talking about a game?

Is it a fork or is it another...
It's not a fork in the road?

Is it to do with space?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I've had some very difficult
TV appearances,

but my glasses normally
do stay on.

If she starts throwing
the hat around, you know

you're in trouble, Mark Watson.

OK. None of this is working for me.

There is a computer scientist,
his name is Dan Jurafsky,

and he looked at the description
of dishes on 6,500 menus

and the higher-end restaurants,
they tend not to describe food

as fresh. They don't describe it
as tasty, they don't describe it

as ripe, because the customers
in the high-end restaurants

expect it to be those things.

In fact, in posh restaurants,

they tend to use kind of
sexy terminology.

So, food is sort of sensuous,
or silky, they use language

LAUGHTER

like that. Nude.

Would you care for a nude aubergine?
We got a topless chicken and we put

it under the grill.
Ooh, it's been naughty!

This sandwich will wank you off.

LAUGHTER

That's too sexy!

We've all thought it,
we've all thought it.

What's wrong with...?! No!

OK, moving on.
In posh restaurants, they use
a completely different language.

And here is the bizarre thing.

People enjoy their food more
with heavy cutlery.

So, there's a guy called
Charles Michel

and he is the chef
in residence

at Oxford University's Crossmodal
Research Laboratory.

So, what they are researching is
how our different senses modulate

any appreciation of flavour.

And, so, he gave everybody
exactly the same meal

and people who used heavy cutlery
were willing to pay 15% more

for their food.

It is one of the most bizarre
things. Yeah.

Was there any point where
the fork became too heavy?

Because I reckon that is a scale
that, actually, by the time

you've got, like, a garden fork...
Yeah.

..people are then refusing to pay.
What you might have done now

inadvertently is inspired cheap
restaurants to glue their forks

to the table, to give
the illusion of...

Or glue two forks together,
thereby doubling the weight. Yeah.

One of the ways that restaurants
trick you into spending

a bit more money...
Does anybody know?

Hypnotism! What?
Hypnotism. Hypnotism?!

"Would you like the veeeeeal?"

I would certainly order it
after that. Absolutely.

One of the things they do is they
remove the pound sign from menus.

Oh, yeah! So, they did a study
at Cornell University

and if it just has the numbers,
somehow we don't associate that

with the true cost of something.
We think it might just be 2.4 amps

or something. Our brain kind of
doesn't turn that

into dollars or pounds.

If you put $20, then you suddenly
think about the price.

But if you just have the number,
subconsciously, we don't think

about the cost of things. Has
anybody ever been to a restaurant

with a ladies' menu?

SARA: A ladies' menu?!

A ladies' menu. I've never been into
the ladies in a restaurant.

Are they doing food in there
because I'm going to...

..I'm going to start dragging up
to go to restaurants.

"I'm just going to
the powder room now."

Ladies' menu, anybody? Ladies' menu?
No.

So, it's a menu with no prices
on whatsoever...

SARA GASPS
Because the b*tch ain't paying.

..because...
Oh, my God. I can't bear it!

I can't bear it. No!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is that what that is?!

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. It was that
the boy was paying for it. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Are you shocked?

I'm really shocked.
Men should have a revolution.

You should say something!
Think it's about time.

That's why men say, "Why don't you
just have two starters, then?

Now, what's the worst trouble
you can get into with one of these?

Right, would you like a bread roll?
Yes, please. Catch.

Would you like one? Catch.
Oh, I'm doing rather well.

Thanks, Mum. OK.

You look like the boy who was
crap at catching. It's just if

the glasses come off
a second time...

LAUGHTER

Hey! There we go. Don't clap that!

I'm better than that!

The worst trouble you can
get into with one of these.

I'd say you can get into a bit
of trouble if you painted it black,

wrote "b*mb" on it
and then went to an airport.

Yeah, if you m*rder*d a man with it,
or woman, or anyone,

that would get you in trouble.

How would you m*rder somebody with a
bread roll? Gluten intolerance.

Throughout history,
the people who make the bread rolls,

the bakers,
have been punished severely

if they lower
the quality of their produce.

So it is the bakers who can
get into the most trouble.

So bread has always been a staple
food and we've probably,

as human beings, been eating
bread for about 30,000 years.

If they can't afford it or it's not
available, there have been riots.

French Revolution.
French Revolution indeed,
started by the women in the market

over the price of bread,

so one way in which to control...

Should have given them
the women's menu!

LAUGHTER

Would have saved a lot of trouble.

"We'll just order loads of bread,
and I assume the price is fine!"

Yeah!

One of the ways in which you can
control it,

and indeed the bakers,
is to form guilds,

so one of the earliest ones that we
know about is the Collegium Pistorum

which was formed in Rome -

we're talking about 168 BC, I mean,
a very, very long time ago -

and it gave special privileges to
bakers and their families.

So a guild? I thought you said
gills, like fish have!

Guilds!

It's difficult to form gills,
I think.

It still hasn't been done, really.

When do they put the seeds on?

Do they do it before it goes in
the oven or just when it's out?

They do it one at a time from the
other side of the room.

It's a great skill.

I like, when you've had it, there's
still seeds left and you just...

So what we're saying is,
you're a messy eater?

I wasn't given a plate, Sandi.

You never are.
In some really posh restaurants,

they just put the roll
in front of you.

And you start looking for
a side plate.

Why do they offer you from a basket,

"Which bread would you like?"
Yeah, I know.

The nicest one, please!
Which is the nicest one?

SARA: Yeah, but also,
you can ask for more than one,

and they don't say no. I'll say,
yeah, I'll have all of those!

I've not touched mine because
I've got a fear that it'll turn

out to be someone else's bread roll,
cos that often happens. Oh.

And it turns out it was meant to be
the one on the left

that was for you.

OK, there's a really easy rule
for you to be able to work this out.

So, Under the table,
if you make this sign, like this,

this one, when you look at it, forms
a "b" and this one forms a "d".

The bread that has yours is on...

Oh, and this is where
she wanks you off! Ugh!

Sitting next to Alan is like sitting
next to a naughty boy at school.

It's cos you were doing this,
like, really in a wanky way.

Poor Sandi - she's so multifaceted

but this is one skill
that she's never developed.

Well, I think,
that's really valuable to me,

because I never knew that.

Erm, anybody know what
a baker's dozen is?


Yeah.

So, in medieval Britain, the law,

they were forced to sell
bread by the weight.

Rather than the price of each loaf.

And if you undersold anybody,
you got into terrible trouble.

So, they got into the habit
of making a thirteenth loaf,

just to make sure that the total
weight not too low.

They had quite a hard time,
the bakers,

with the rules, then, yeah.

A lot of rules.
I mean, with the Romans,

they wanted to make sure that bakers
were saved from vice,

so they were forbidden, by law,

from hanging out with
gladiators or comedians.

Quite right!

What about Ulrika Jonsson?

She's a grey area!

And there were lots of laws in
medieval times, so,

in the 13th century,
the very first time you were caught

adulterating your bread,

you were dragged on a hurdle
through the streets

with the bad loaf
hanging around your neck.

The second time, if it happened,
you had your hands and your head
locked in a wooden pillory

and, again, you were dragged through
the streets,

and the third time was not so good.

You were dragged through the
streets, your oven was dismantled,

you were forced to swear that

you would never practise the trade
of baking.

You slightly lost me
at the word "adulterate".

Adulterating bread -

it means sleeping with bread that
you're not married to. Yeah. Yes.

Why would you keep doing that?

In France,
they were equally heavy-handed.

One of the punishments for bakers
was that you had to wear

a sandwich board...

Ha-ha!

What sort of sandwich board?!

Well, listing your crimes.

Good quality bread is still
enshrined in law in modern France.

So, in 1919, the French made a law
banning anybody

from baking
bread between 10pm and 4am,

and the idea was to stop
mass-produced bakeries.

They wanted to keep all
the artisan bakeries going,

but it meant the bakers
couldn't work overnight

to create the bread
for your breakfast,

and that is where the baguette
becomes the bread of choice.

So, up until 2015, it was the law
that Parisian bakers were split.

Some had to take their holiday
in July,

and some had to
take their holiday in August,

in order to make sure that the
capital always had sufficient bread.

That's so French.

The threat of a baguette crisis.
Yes!

I mean, the thing about a baguette,
you do have to have it fresh,

don't you? There's no good going...

Yes, very, very hard.

If you've got hard bread
that's gone hard,

you just put it in a sink full of
water and then put it in the oven.

And I know this
because I read Nigel Slater's book.

That's what he had to
do in his first job. Right.

I don't think that's going to taste
very nice, though, do you?

It's not noticeable.
Oh, really?

Yes, because it comes to the table
a little bit warm, and you think,

"Oh, freshly baked!"

Recently dunked in the sink!

Really?!

And then dried out in the oven. Ah!

Bread and
potatoes were rationed in Britain

in the 1940s, of course,
because of...?

The w*r?

Not the w*r. What was it?

The Atkins?

Two big crises of the '40s,
the Second World w*r and the Atkins.

If it wasn't one, it was the other!

No, bread and vegetables were
never rationed during World w*r II.

In fact, there were subsidies
from the Government

in order to make sure that
it was all kept on the table.

Were potatoes bigger
or children smaller?

LAUGHTER

It does look like she's carrying
the heads of something, doesn't it?

No, it was to do with the weather.

Soon after the w*r,
there were very heavy rains

and very bad frosts, so we're
talking about 1946 and 1947,

and, then, rationing of bread
and potatoes came in.

Then there was a bumper crop
in 1948 and, then, after that,

all the restrictions were gone.

There's some wonderful stuff that
they did do about food, though.

Before the w*r, Britain imported
about half its meat

and more than half its cheese
and about a third of its eggs.

So, they did a test in 1939
to see if Britain could deal

without all of that protein.

Eight human guinea pigs were sent
for three months to live

in the Lake District. Oh, lovely!
I know.

Where they were put on
a special diet.

They were given as much
wholemeal bread and potatoes

as they could eat, and they were
to spend their time walking

and cycling and mountaineering
and so on.

And the result was fundamentally
a huge increase in flatulence...

LAUGHTER

..and an awful lot of time was spent
eating because it takes an awful lot

longer to get your calories from
potatoes than to get through

a steak. And I don't know who
measured this, but it says here,

"Thanks to all the extra fibre,
there was also 250% more voluminous

"faecal matter amongst
the participants."

See, that's what ruins the holiday.
Yeah. They're sh1tting in jars.

LAUGHTER

Yeah.

Have you been on that sort of
holiday?

LAUGHTER

A writer's retreat.

Kids were given blackcurrant
syrup free during World w*r II.

Does anybody know why?
Scurvy?

It is scurvy, exactly.

The citrus trade routes were
completely blocked, and so,

blackcurrants were grown
domestically.

Totally unknown in the United
States. Why?

Because of the Ribena wars of 1870.

Which is sort of not far off,
really!

The American logging industry
had a campaign.

Is that like the Lake District
logging industry?

Are you referring to the
voluminous faecal matter?

I'm fairly sure
I saw Voluminous Faecal Matter

at the Hammersmith Odeon in 1974!

The American logging industry
absolutely loathed the Ribes plant

because it has a disease that
can threaten the white pine,

and so blackcurrant was
banned in the United States.

In fact, the federal ban was only
relaxed in 2003.

It is still ill*gal in some states
to grow blackcurrants.

So the Americans have never
had Ribena?

They don't care for it.

That explains a lot.

It does, doesn't it?

Did rationing help or hinder
the health of the population?

I thought it helped them.
It did help. It did help.

In fact, infant mortality
rates halved between 1935 and 1950,

and the age at which people died of
natural causes actually increased.

Rationing was still going on when
the then Princess Elizabeth married

in 1947, and she had to use
clothing rationing coupons

in order to pay for her dress.

When they brought in clothing
coupons, they weren't ready,

so they repurposed margarine
coupons...

This cake,
which was the wedding cake,

was called the 10,000 mile cake.

Why was it called that?

Did it travel a long way?
You are right.

The ingredients came
from South Africa and Australia.

They were in fact donated.

We have the recipe
for the 10,000 mile cake.

Made of wombats and koalas!

Shall we have a look at the recipe?

This was the recipe
for a 10,000..,

in case anybody wants to make
it at home, there we are.




Whoa!

..80 oranges and lemons,


Whoa!

..3.5 gallons of Navy rum!

Yay!!!



Or, as I call that list,
last Thursday.

Anybody know if there was rationing
in World w*r I?

I think probably not
because the w*r only took place,

it was all overseas.
It was an away fixture, that w*r.

Yeah, it was avoided, actually,

until 1918, sort of...

LAUGHTER

If you look at the fixture list it
says, France [away]. Yeah!

The German submarines created
a blockade in 1918,

and that did lead to food shortages,

but the countermeasures are
so wonderfully British.

First of all,
feeding pigeons was banned.

And then they limited restaurant
meals to two courses for lunch,

and three courses for dinner!

How many were they having before?!
I don't know.

They encouraged people to eat
out in the Second World w*r.

Because it was a more efficient
use of resources.

To make lots of food, and then
lots of people come and eat it,

rather than everyone making
individual meals. Yeah.

Right. Bread and potatoes were
rationed after the w*r,

not because of the Nazis,
but because of the weather.

Right. Bread away.

Why is my cellar riddled
with Frenchmen?

It's a matter for your own
conscience, really, Sandi.

The Judy Finnigan tribute
painting...

LAUGHTER

Wardrobe malfunction.

Less talked about is where
the man's trousers have gone,

at the bottom of the picture.

The bloke at the bottom
is just on a stag night

and he's been caught up in the w*r.
Yeah.

Anybody know what the painting is?
Is this the French Revolution?

Well, it's actually not.
It's the July Revolution of 1830.

Oh, they were always
having revolutions.

I don't know why the woman had
to have her top off. Er? Pah!

What it is is to get you interested.

So, it's like you learn something
once you're looking at the painting,

but you looked for the boobs.

It's that. They were like,
"We're interested in independence,

"but can you sex it up?"

She just took down her cardie.

Yes. "Do you want to be free?

LAUGHTER

"What if I got my t*ts out?"

I think maybe the little boy has
shot her bra strap off.

We've all done it as kids.

Why is my cellar riddled
with Frenchmen?

Is it to do with wine?
It is to do with wine.

What do you think it's to do with?

That's as much as I've got.
You have wine in the cellar

so I'm basically hoping
to build on that.

So a riddler is the person whose job
it is to rotate bottles of wine.

Now, why might they do that?
Why might...? To stop the sediment?

Yeah, it is exactly that.

So it's essential, particularly
to probably the most famous

French wine of all. Champagne?

Champagne, absolutely.

So it requires
a secondary fermentation,

so the yeast from the fermenting
process is left in the bottle

as the wine matures.
It's what makes the bubbles appear.

But nobody wants to buy a bottle
of wine with bits of yeast sediment

in it, so they have to be
slowly removed.

So what they do is, I happen
to have... Oh, hello.

So you have to get the yeast
to the neck of the bottle.

You have to imagine that there's
all the sediment

in the bottle like this, you see.

And so what the riddler does,
first of all, is that they rotate

each bottle 90 degrees and then
they push it slightly further

into its cradle and they
tip it slightly,

and that makes the sediment go down
into the neck

and professional riddlers
can turn and tilt



They do about three or four
per second.

In fact, I think we can see some
on a video.

I mean, he just looks
like a terrible date, doesn't he?

That's his actual job.

That's his actual job.
Unfortunately, they are now being

replaced by robots known as...
Oh! Like all of us.

I know. Who can do the job
much quicker.

But he might be able to do something
more interesting with his life.

I think something's wrong...
Or with his wife!

"Do not come near me!"

"Oh, my God, oh, my God!

"Not the knees! Not the knees!"

I think some things robots should
do and this is one of them.

There is a real skill in it.
This is made of strengthened glass.

Before that, it was
a very expl*sive process,

so in 1792, the canon of Reims
Cathedral reported

that 345 out of 594 bottles
had exploded in their cellars.

That's THEIR version of things.

Yeah, loads of the champagne
just explodes.

And that's also what
the mess is in here.

The riddler is absolutely
slaughtered the whole time.

"Hundreds of them blew up."

"When that many explode,
some of them just go in your mouth.

"That's just what happens!"

The pressure in here is three times
that of a car tyre,

and the cork can fly out - have
a guess, the speed of the cork.

I'll just, I'll just get out
of the way.

Get your glasses off, Mark!

I'm going to guess 800mph.


Eight million.

OK. Was it less than that?



That's so slow!

That's about the speed
of an average van.

So this bit around the top
of the bottle is called the muselet.

It's the French word for muzzle.

Oh! Yeah. But it sounds
so much more chic.

Anyway, initially in the first
fermentation

they don't have a cork in it,
they have a cap

and I'm going to open it in a rather
spectacular way in a minute.

It's like being in a kitchen
as a student.

"Has that got a f*g butt in it?"

But my favourite way to open
a champagne bottle

is with... A sword!
..a sword, indeed.

So I would like to introduce you
to someone who can do just that.

Please welcome
Julian the Magnificent.

APPLAUSE

Oh, my gosh!

Julian, am I right, you are a member
of La Confrerie du Sabre d'Or,

is that right?
Have I said it correctly?

You have indeed and I am
the ambassador emeritus.

Isn't that fantastic?

Ambassador, you are spoiling us.

How did you come to be able
to do this?

Well, I get a thirst around about


Absolutely.

So I take out a bottle of champagne
and one of my sabres

and I remove the top
and Bob's your uncle.

Because if you're called
Julian the Magnificent,

it's a shame if you just end up
working in a stationery shop.

No. You work in the wine trade,
do you not?

I do, indeed.

Do you work in Wetherspoons?

Handy at closing time
with that weapon.

Now, here's the thing.

I was told that for health
and safety reasons,

we cannot actually do this.

Oh, come on!

However, if you all agree,
should we just do it?

CHEERING

Yes!

"Remember we were there the night
at the studio

"when Sandi Toksvig lost her hand?"

Can I just be really clear, you're
not going to extract the cork.

You're actually going to...
I shall remove the glass annulus

and the cork together.

Are you OK to stand this close?

No problem at all because I'm going
to be sh**ting it over there. OK.

That is a gentleman!
That is a gentleman!

A gentleman warns you!

"You'll be fine,
I'll sh**t it over there."

Do not try this at home!

You go ahead.

Off we go!

CHEERING

Look at that. Don't touch the top
because that's sharp, obviously.

But you could drink that.
You could drink that perfectly

because no glass will go inside.

As you quite rightly said earlier,

the pressure is about five times,
actually, a lorry tyre.

OK. And it will just sh**t
any glass away.

I mean, this is why you hire
Julian the Magnificent.

Is there like an evening course you
can go on to learn how to do it?

Can I learn how to do it?
You can indeed.

OK. Sandi! It takes three seconds.

APPLAUSE

"Do you remember you were there
the night Alan Davies..."

You are right-handed? Take your left
hand... My left hand, yes.

With your thumb up the punt.
Thumb up the punt?

Punt, yes.

Not the first time.

Champagne? It's quite heavy.

Yeah. Right, now the art
of sabrage,

you never take the blade
off the glass. No.

It's a shaving motion.

We go straight up there and
follow through. Don't stop.

Right. You take the glass
annulus and the cork with it.

With this sword... But never take
the blade off the glass.

OK. The straighter you get it...
Can you hold the bottle as well?

I'll do that for you. Why not?
Off you go. It's terrifying.

CHEERING

Chere Sandi, vous avez realise
le premier geste qui

vous ouvre la porte de notre
Confrerie.

Noblement, vous avez separe
la bouchon du flacon

qui emprisonne le merveilleux
vin de champagne.

Au nom de Noe, pere de la vigne,

et de St Vincent,
patron du vignerons,

je vous nomme Sabreuse de l'Ordre
de la Confrerie du Sabre d'Or.

Oh!

CHEERING

When you find your cork, you
put it in a little velvet bag.

How marvellous!
I'm really actually excited!

It's really amazing!

It was exciting!
It was very exciting.

It is the most fun you'll have with
all your clothes on, it really is.

Julian the Magnificent!

APPLAUSE

Sandi, it's the coolest thing
anyone's ever done.

That was so cool!
That was very cool.

There's the one you cut. Look
at the cleanliness of that.

I'm going to put it
in this little bag.

It was like a scene from
k*lling Eve.

It was brutal!

I'm not exaggerating,

that is one of the most exciting
things that's ever happened.

It looked exciting!
It looked exciting!

Fast forward to three years' time,

Toksvig outside a Tesco's
with a Swiss Army knife

and a bottle of Diamond White.

"I was the Bake Off host!"

"I had it all! I
was the carb queen of telly!"

Ah, dear. Champagne cellars
are riddled with riddlers,

although it's nothing
to whine about.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Oh, now you're back down to Earth
with a bump!

Now for a question
about the uses of rice.

PHONE RINGS

Who's that? Which one of you...?

I'm really sorry.

Phill... Yeah, yeah, all right.

Yeah, hello.

Yeah, I'm doing... Can I...?

No, she's here. She's here.

The phone.
It's the Danish ambassador.

He wants to know where you left
the key to the herring fridge.

Give me the phone.

That's not the Danish ambassador.
Look at what it says on there.

It says Piers Morgan.

APPLAUSE

Anyway, don't worry about your phone
because I'll put it in a box of rice

and let it dry out because
that's a good idea, isn't it?

Is that a trick question?
It's up to you.

Yeah? Yes.

No.

People do that because they think
the rice absorbs the water?

Yeah, so here's the thing.

You're telling us that's
not really a thing.

Well, if you put a phone in
a closed container with rice,

less water is lost than if you'd
just left it out in an open room.

Because I had this,
I put my phone in the rice.

Yeah. And then my wife
and I could not agree

on whether to seal it in or not.

Well, don't put it in the rice
at all is the thing,

because it will also get
little bits of rice stuck up,

you know, the charging port.

If you do put wet phone into rice
it's going to survive...

If it does survive,
it would have done anyway.

So who is the first person
who said,

"Oh, don't worry about that.
I'll pop it in some rice."

It was an arsehole.

The only redeeming
feature of the so-called rice cure

is that you're usually told to
turn the phone off

before you put it into the rice

and that is a good idea,
because the heat of the phone

can cause the water to warp
the wet compartments

so basically that is a good idea.

Also, don't blow it with
a hairdryer. Very, very bad idea.

I'm hearing a lot of don'ts. Yes.

I just want a good do.
Just leave it out in your room?

Leave it out in your room or, there
are other, more absorbent things.

Cat litter is
probably your best option.

Couscous.

I can see one disadvantage
of the cat litter theory.

If you haven't got a cat...
Oh, right.

If you haven't got a cat,
why have you got cat litter? Yeah.

Emergencies! Yeah!

"I need to go! I need to go!
Get the litter!"

Does anybody know why rice is
grown in flooded fields?

Oh, oh! When you plant it,
birds can't get the seedlings.

OK, so here's the thing.

It doesn't need to be
grown in water, at all.

But it doesn't mind.
Doesn't mind it.

It just, no - are you going to
repeat everything I say?

Oh, fine[!]

I mean, why, why did it start?

It does prevent some
weeds from growing

because they DO mind being submerged

and then also some farmers,

you can see here there's
some ducks in the picture

and they actually employ ducks
and fish to swim around and nibble

at the pests that might otherwise...

How do they do PAYE? Well...

What's your favourite rice?
I like red rice.

Brown rice.

PHILL: Ambrosia!

Don't put your phone in!

"I've had it in this tin for four
hours and it still won't work!"

That isn't your real phone, is it?

It's the most bizarre sketch.

I couldn't follow it at all.
So the Danish ambassador rang YOU...

No, I said he was
lying about the Danish ambassador

and it actually says on the phone
that Piers Morgan...

It wasn't a real phone call!

Why was Piers Morgan ringing you,
then?

I didn't know
about the Piers Morgan thing.

I was trying to have a go at Phill
that Piers Morgan might
be his friend.

MARK: There were some plot
holes in it, Alan.

Yeah, I mean, as a plot,
it lacked something.

If I'm not hooked
from the beginning...

It gets good in episode 2! Yeah.

PHILL, AS VOICEOVER:
"Previously on QI..."

"Piers Morgan's
the Danish ambassador?!"

Right, moving on, um...

What does this clown eat?

Who is that?
Is that the original...

Ronald McDonald. It is.

The original Ronald McDonald.
What does he eat? Burger King.

His secret shame is that he doesn't
really like McDonald's.

He's actually a vegan! One child
for every Happy Meal party.

You said Burger King.

Well, inadvertently, you're going
to get yourself an extra point

because... It's the best kind
of point to get.

So Ronald McDonald
never ate fast food.

The company were very keen to ensure
that he was really just their mascot

for their particular charity.
They didn't want kids to get obese.

But the very first Ronald McDonald
was a guy called Willard Scott.

That's him there. He was eventually
fired for being too fat,

but he became incredibly famous
in the United States.

He was a weatherman
on American television

and he did an ad for Burger King.

Is he being held at gunpoint
in this photo?

But that's awful that he got fired
for being too big.

Televisions were much smaller
in those days.

Now he'd be fine
on a massive screen.

I always thought Ronald McDonald
was rather frightening.

I didn't like the Hamburglar,

I thought was scarier than
Ronald McDonald.

And he promoted crime as well.

Exactly.

My first job was in McDonald's,

so he was the one I was always
scared coming in.

What were you doing?
Serving burgers.

I mean, were you cooking them...?

You do everything at McDonald's.
Oh, right? OK.

They don't want to have drive-thrus
any more because they

finally realised that the person
at the window serving is inhaling

so many fumes and shortening
their life.

Well, if you would like
to shorten your life,

the best place to go is the
Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas.

You can eat for free if you weigh
over 350 lbs or 25st.

So just for you, that's about
three-quarters of the weight

of a blue whale's heart.
That's quite a lot.

And you are verified by being
weighed at a cattle weighing station

and then you are led to your table,

if you are more than 350 lbs,
by your personal nurse -

it's a waiter - and their signature
quadruple bypass burger

is just a shade
under 10,000 calories.

It's made, there it is,

it's made of four half-pound
beef patties, 20 strips of bacon,

eight slices of American cheese.

I say "cheese".
It's American cheese.

A whole tomato, half an onion served
in a bun coated with lard.

I've only got one question, Sandi -
do they have a ladies' menu?

At least the presentation's
gorgeous.

I know. If you finish it,
your nurse will deliver you

to your car in a wheelchair.

Do we know anything
about faecal matter?

I imagine you'd be bound up
for quite a while

after all that protein.

If you don't finish it,
she will spank you

in front of the other diners.
Really?

Are you sure this is a real
restaurant and not a dream you had?

It is a real restaurant.

In 2013, the unofficial spokesman
for the restaurant,

who was 52, died of a heart attack.

Three other people
have died on site.

What? In the restaurant.

The clue is in the fact that
the dish has bypass in the name.

Yes, I think that.
They do have a vegan option.

It's a vegan.

That's how they get their roughage.

Yeah. Must be some vitamins
in a vegan.

The only vegan option
on the menu is cigarettes.

Ronald McDonald hasn't eaten
a burger since 1970.

And now for the final course.

Does anyone have room
for General Ignorance?

How many calories do you gain
from eating celery?

Is it one of these things where you
expend more calories

eating it than you actually...
Don't say that! Don't say that!

KLAXON

Mwa-ha-ha-ha!

New boy!

No.

If the worst thing that happens
tonight is that alarm bell...

..I'm all right. Yeah. A man with
a sabre tried to k*ll you.

Exactly, yeah.

A medium stalk contains
six calories

but there is a notion that it
has negative calories,

so I love this. They did a study
of bearded dragons,

this is the University of Alabama.

It turns out that these particular
lizards have a rather similar diet

and digestive system to humans.

Do they? Yeah, but they measured
their metabolic rate and the energy

that they lost and so on,
and there is a net gain of energy.

Obviously, it isn't very much.

Chewing and digesting are
very low-energy pursuits.

The bearded dragon, of course, only
started appearing about five years

ago and are mostly baristas
or work in vintage shops.

I think that one's
a pencil sharpener.

That is weird, isn't it?
It is very strange.

The closest we can find to
a negative energy food is

sugar-free gum.

It has, I mean, so few calories.

If you chew 100 times a minute
for approximately 11 minutes

it becomes negatively calorific.

But that...
But so does life, doesn't it?

Yes, yeah.

Sitting there doing that.

When it comes to the crunch,

even celery has a positive
number of calories.

To prevent bacteria,

what should your chopping
board be made of?

Oh, wood.

Yes, is exactly right.

For ages, they thought the plastic
ones were better. Yep.

People thought that wood has
these little grooves

and bacteria would go in there,
and live and multiply,

but then they actually found
that plastic was much worse.

Can I tell you why I know this?
Yes, go on.

Because an ex-boyfriend bought me
a chopping board for Christmas.

But part of the reason it was
a good present was him explaining

that actually it was
good for bacteria!

Boxing Day, his head was on it!


to a wooden chopping board

has disappeared within three
minutes of application,

and, on plastic ones,
it's all still there.

I mean, the only good thing
about the plastic ones is you can

put them in the dishwasher,
you can heat them up, which is good,

but the most important thing,
of course, is to wash them

and then replace them
when they get a bit knackered.

Then again, eventually, we're all
going to die. Carry on.

Fair point, actually.
Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to give you
an extra point for that.

Which is the hottest
part of a chilli?

Seeds.

No, it's not the seeds. What is it?

Be careful,
if you've just chopped it,

and then you go for a wee,
that's all I'm... Oh, yeah!

So, it's not seeds.
Anybody know which bit it might be?

Is it the bit that holds
the seeds in?

It is, it's the pith.
The pith!

The pith - like you say,
going for a wee.

Is it...?

Is it a fruit or a vegetable?

It contains seeds, so it's a fruit,

but the seeds do not contain
the hot compound,

which is capsaicin.

Ham is a berry. Mm?

Nothing!

Rice Krispies are a legume!

LAUGHTER

And we just don't talk about it!

The seeds only taste hot

because they've
been in contact with the pith.

But they are not actually...

The hottest chilli in the world
is something called Pepper X.

It was grown by an American who's,
rather pleasingly, called
Ed Currie!

More than three million
on the Scoville Scale

so that is a thousand times
spicier than a jalapeno.

Can you die from...?

You absolutely can die from it.

If you ate this, you would die.

They're not meant to be eaten
because what would happen is that

it would cause blisters in your body

and the body's defences would go
into overdrive. Oh, my God.

So much snot would come
out of your nose, you'd drown.

Yeah. I mean, you could go into
anaphylactic shock,

your airways could end up closing.
It's not a good thing.

So, why did they do it, Sandi?

Well, it's boys. Boys...

LAUGHTER

For our final
question, we're going to play

a game of Beer Hunter.

OK, so I have four cans.

OK, so... I don't
like the look of this.

That's Mark's.

OK.

OK.

So here's one for you.

Here's one for you.

Have that for Phill

and then you have that one.
Thank you!

OK, let's have a go
at opening them.

Sara, you want to go first?

Yeah, I'm going to do some tapping
first. Do some tapping.

Do you think that's going to help?
Well, this is an Essex trick.

OK. Open yours. You want me
to open mine? Yes, please.

Go.

OK, so not that one. Alan.

OK, not that one.

Mark. Well, the more this game
goes on,

the worse feeling I have about it.

OK.

Wow.

Phill.

APPLAUSE

So my question is, which of those
cans had the highest pressure?

Oh, they were all equal, right?

Yeah. So the pressure is constant.

It's about three atmospheres
no matter how much you shake it.

An unshaken can has a small amount
of gas,

it sort of floats on top of the
liquid, but when you shake it,

it all gets mixed together.

And then what happens is you've got
bubbles floating inside the drink.

And when you open the can,
they rush back to the surface.

Fizzy water is one of
the worst ones. Yeah, it can bring,

and it brings liquid up again
because it...

Oh, my God! Close it again! Open it
a little bit, close it!

You can't even tell. You can see it,
is it going to do it? I don't know.

It's doing it!

It's still doing it!

All my first jobs after
McDonald's were in bars,

and the one thing that you'd learn
from barbecues was that

if you've poured someone
a drink and it's fizzy,

put your finger in it and you can't
do that when you work in a bar.

People think it's really rude,
but it does... It does work.

Put THEIR finger in it.

But you were tapping the top and
the bottom of the can. Yeah.

What do you think
that is going to do?

Well, it was just what we were told
to do to make sure.

You know, if it'd been in the back
of the car,

in the boot for a bit.

If you did that for a few taps
then it wouldn't fizz.

So here's the thing, tapping at the
top and bottom makes no difference

whatsoever, because the gas is
already exactly

where you want it.

What you need to do
is tap the sides. What?!

You need to tap the sides
and dislodge the bubbles

so that they rise to the top.

Sandi, you're changing my life.

I'm nearly 40 years old
and I've just learned

how to actually do this.

Yes, so tap the sides,

and then when you open the drink,

the CO2 will rush out
without displacing any liquid.

This is useful drinking information.

That's what we have the BBC for.

I know, right?

How could you change
the pressure in the can?

I mean,
it's clearly not down to shaking.

How could you change
the pressure in the can? Heat it up?

Heat it up, yes. Any other ways?
Cool it down.

Reduce the volume -
so if you crushed the can...

Tell it that, whatever happens,
you'll love it?

Say something really
inflammatory to it. Yeah, yeah.

Other drinks are
much nicer than you!

You can also increase
the amount of fluid in the can.

By weeing in it!

LAUGHTER

To stop your fizz going everywhere,
tap the sides, but not the top.

All of which brings us to the matter
of the scores.

Let me tell you, in first place,
our triple Michelin star is,

with three points, Alan.

APPLAUSE

In second place with minus four,
it's Sara!

APPLAUSE

Second!

And in equal last place
with minus 18, it's Phill and Mark!

APPLAUSE

So it's thanks to Mark, Phill,
Sara and Alan

and I leave you with this thought
by Bob Monkhouse.

I read one survey that said 70%
of British married couples

would rather eat a good meal
at a restaurant than have sex,

and that's because it might disturb

the people at the other tables,
I expect.

Thank you and goodnight.