20x02 - T Animals

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains some strong
language.

Good evening and welcome
to the QI souvenir programme.

Tonight, we have a seasonal salad

of S-themed silliness for you to
savour.

So sit back and settle
down for your first clip.

This, you're going to love.

The Chihuahuan hook-nosed snake
farts

defensively when it is threatened.

It's technically called cloacal
popping, OK?

So they expel air
from their cloaca.

They have one hole for reproduction,

for digestion, so it's all just one
hole

at the bottom and it makes
an audible noise.

And sometimes they do it
so aggressively, this farting,

that it lifts them into the air.

Oh, wow. I've dated people like
that, it's awful.

That's a talent, isn't it?

Isn't that a skill, to be able
to lift yourself up with your fart?

Is it true that - talking
about a snake's genitals -

is it true that a male snake
has two penises or penii?

I just thought I'd throw that out.
Which would you...?

Which would you prefer? Two heads
or two penises? Two penises. OK.

What about you? Two penises.

Is that a thing, or...?

Not next to one another.

I'd have one in the regular place,

and one on one hand - on my left
hand.

Instead of a finger. Instead of a
finger. I'd always wear a glove.

Yeah.

"Why do you wear a glove?"
"Because I've got a c*ck hand."

I think I'd have four other fingers,

I don't think I'd just have the
c*ck. No, no.

Pull the glove off. Yeah.

You wouldn't want to look weird,
would you? No.

Do you think it would always
be like that, or

would it sometimes be like that?
Sometimes be like that. OK.

Awkward, though, wouldn't it,
when you couldn't stop your finger?

Like an umpire.

I'm sorry I brought it up, Sandi.

Whereas a second head,
what is the point of that?

Well, you wouldn't be lonely.
Oh, yeah. You could chat.

Talk amongst yourself. Yeah.

Would we have different
personalities?

Oh, it would be like one
Leave, one Remain. Yes.

You'd have an anti-vaxxer on your...

I want to taste your every move.

It's all a hoax.

If you had two penises,

if you did, it would be a pair of
hemipenes.

Is there anyone
that has more than two?

Phillip Schofield.

So slapstick is often cited as one
of the earliest special effects,

and there is an even earlier one,

and I love this - was invented
by a playwright called John Dennis.

So 1709, he staged his own play
called Appius And Virginia.

It doesn't sound very good. It was a
tragedy set in ancient Rome.

Nobody liked it,
but what they really liked

was his new thunder machine.
It was amazing.

It generated these really realistic
sound effects,

for stormy scenes. Anyway,

the play did not do very well,
and it closed after a few nights

and was replaced by Macbeth.

And when Dennis, the playwright,
turned up to watch the Macbeth

production, he was outraged
to hear

his very distinctive sound effect
being used.

They had literally stolen
his thunder.

That is where we get...

Is that steal my thunder? Oh, there
you go. It's great.

And was it...? The thunder, was it
because they used

a sheet of metal?
They used sheets of metal,

but there was also a thing called
a thunder run,

which I wish they still had.

They used to make a pipe set
into the wall of some theatres,

so it would start very high
up, sort of in the gods,

and it would wrap its way
round the building and you dropped

a cannonball into it and it
would rumble.

So you could... Almost as if you
could hear

the thunder going all the way around
the building.

Cool. That is cool, isn't it?
Clever.

It would be annoying to start it at
the wrong time, wouldn't it?

"Romeo, Romeo, wherefore...

"Oh, dear." "Oh, no."

How could you make yourself
understood

in another country without any words
at all?

Pointing and shouting in English?
Shouting in English very loud.

In 2019 researchers
at the University of California

in Berkeley asked 50 people
to vocalise certain feelings,

and then they asked more than
a thousand people to explain

what it was that they'd heard.

And it gave us a map of 24
distinct human emotions

which can be conveyed without words.
So what we're going to do -

each panellist has got a couple
of emotions we want you to convey

without words and see if anybody can
work out which ones they're doing.

Chris, I believe that you have been
told yours in advance.

I have. With no words, then - two
emotions.

HE GROWLS

Anger, frustration. Anger.

And the other one.

HE VOCALISES

Oh, the first one was a home defeat
for Liverpool, and the second

was a draw.

Obviously, I'm miles off the money
with this one, aren't I?

Hmm.

You quite like it.

Yeah. Mild approval.

Is that an emotion? Amusement.

Oh, no, you need to do a little...

HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAK

Have you got a card with yours on?
Have you been told what they are?

Are we doing them sequentially
or...? I'm going to conflate the
two.

I mean, I'd do them both together,
if you can.

"Ohh-mm."

"Ohh-mm."

"Ohh-mm."

"Ohh-mm."

Where's Frankie Howard?

Constipated and aroused.

The aroused thing is heading

in the right direction.

Oh, I don't know, it's upsetting
when you get eye contact with me.

He was doing desire

and negative surprise.

Right, Jen? You've got two?
I'm going to do them separately.

I'm not going to conflate. Because
that didn't work, did it?

Right, here we go.

First one.

LOW-PITCHED GROAN

Is Wallace or Gromit an emotion?

Actually, you appear to be
swallowing a Brussels sprout.

No, I'll do it again.

LOW-PITCHED GROAN

You've made a terrible mistake.

Close, close! Close.

It's embarrassment.

Yeah. Second one.

Here we go.
This one you'll definitely get.

Huh?

Confusion. Yes, confusion
is exactly right.

Very well done. Alan?

I've got... OK.

Urrgh!

Urrgh! Uh!

Disgust?

Yes, yes!

I haven't been cast in anything for
five years!

This is all you need.

This is the moment
I can make a comeback!

This is your moment, Alan.

Right, one more, Alan.
OK, here we go.

Ohhh-uuuh.

Ecstasy.

Yes! Oh, my goodness.

Are you guys a couple?

In another life, Jimmy. Definitely.

Would anybody, if you found a snail
in your garden, would you throw

it into the neighbour's garden?
Yeah, we... Yeah, we had just

so many snails, last summer,

the gardener turned up, and... The
gardener?

It's a middle-class story.

"Spent all day chatting to the
cook, doing no work."

He said he's never seen snails like
it. Anyway, I wish I hadn't brought

him up. He's not even a part of the
story.

He is now. Anyway,

I got this organic thing
because I felt bad,

but, um...

It said... I put
it down and it said the snail...

Don't worry, it's totally fine -

snails eat it and then they just
burrow underground.

Right. And die.
Well, they didn't mention that,

but I presume that's what happened.
Yeah.

Yeah. It's like a vegetarian's
way of getting rid of animals.

Yeah. Why didn't you just put,
like... I was going to say salt,

but Himalayan pink sea salt?

Yeah. Yes. It's more...
I was going to say

normal table salt. But I know you'll
go out there and...

With a grinder.

"Josh, don't waste the salt!"

"I have to, darling."

He'd have got the cook
to do that.

That's right, yeah.

Brussels sprouts are another
Christmas dinner staple,

but is there any way to make
them bearable?

Well, my friend's family,
they play fart tennis at Christmas.

So you eat as many sprouts as you
can

and you have one side of the
table against the other side

of the table scoring fart for fart.

But you don't do it with an actual
ball, no? It's just... No.

You do it with the fart.
So, 15 love!

I like the idea that the fart
was so powerful it could propel

the ball across the table.
That would be good. Yes.

You have some sprouts. Do we?
Yeah.

You have some sprouts in a tin.

Oh, Auntie Sandi! I know.

Oh! Look at that!

So open up your Brussels sprouts,
and then you also have a glass

of red wine.

What scientists have discovered
is that Brussels sprouts taste

less bitter if you take a sip of red
wine between each mouthful.

OK? Have a sip of red wine

and then... Well, I might do one as
a tester.

OK, fine, do that.
What, to see if it tastes

disgusting and then it's better
with the red wine?

OK. Then... f*cking hell!

So the astringency of the red wine -
so the rough, dry mouthfeel

that you get when you drink it -
it's possible it stops your saliva

being able to pass the bitter
taste to your taste buds,

or you just get piddly-pom.
Does it work with the red?

The red wine is working.
Is it working? Yes.

It'll be 15-love in a minute.

We will win, my friend, we will win.
We're going to m*rder 'em!

Actually, about a third
of the world's population speak

a gendered language where inanimate
objects are male or female.

I really love that. Do you?
Yeah. I think it influences

how people think about the thing
they're talking about.

And it makes
you think of them as like nice

gentlemen and ladies.

Mrs Teapot. Yes.

Or Mr Coat Stand.

A survey of people that
owned...you know one of those
robotic vacuum cleaners?

I've got one. Is it a boy or a girl?

He's called Victor. He! Two thirds
assigned it a gender

and three quarters call him "he".

Do you think it's the legacy of
the Henry?

I think it's because he wanders
around aimlessly consuming
everything he sets his eyes on.

And he sometimes gets stuck
in the corner. So, yeah...

So, just like today, medieval holy
sites did a roaring trade

in souvenirs, and people
brought back badges as tokens

of the journey and they were often
in the likeness of saints.

But, sometimes, they were much,
much weirder.

And I have a replica here.

Let me show you this one.

This is a replica of a 14th-century

Dutch vag*na sh**ting
an arrow on horseback.

You don't often see them do that.
You don't, you don't.

I can also offer you... I have here

a phallus, um...

I... A phallus where the...

I don't know if it's a man or a
woman pushing a wheelbarrow

of phalluses. Replicas
of the various badges.

What else have I got here?
I've got a p*nis on a boat.

I don't know why. Um...

I know, but...
ALAN: We've all met those.

The guy on the phalluses.

Yes. There, the top
one - to the left.

Oh, this one here? Yeah, it looks
like he's got a p*nis puppy farm.

ALAN: It looks like he's carrying
fireworks.

They could be like
little Monopoly, um... Yeah.

Oh, that was a good idea.

"Do you want to be the p*nis
or the vag*na?"

Can I...? "You've not been buying
fireworks off that bloke

"with a massive c*ck, again, have
you?!"

Was it ever called a vadge badge?
A vadge badge? Yeah, I like that.

Yeah. I think this is something
that can be monetised.

I think vadge badge is good.
Yeah.

Silent Night's music and lyrics
was written in 1818 in the town

of Oberndorf, near Salzburg. It was
written by two men

called Joseph Mohr
and Franz Gruber.

I'm loving your accent.
DEEP VOICE: I know, right?

In 1912, it was decided to make
a sculpture of them,

but Joseph Mohr, who had written
the lyrics, had never, ever wanted

to have a portrait done of himself,
so nobody knew what he looked like.

So they dug his skull up.

Ah! I know! He'd been dead 60 years.

They dug his skull up and based
it on that.

It looks like Victor Meldrew being
bummed by a guitarist.

Dear Lord!

In 1995, the Reichstag building,
which is in Berlin, of course,

was wrapped in 100,000 square metres
of silver fabric for two weeks

by two artists called
Christo Javacheff

and Jeanne-Claude
Denat de Guillebon -

a married couple who worked under
the name of Christo.

Can I just say, the building was
not in use at the time.

A couple of people in there.
Yeah.

"Help!"
What was the artist's reason?

They described
it as autobiographical, apparently.

There is another thing, in terms
of the shrink-wrap effect,

which I think is very interesting.
Palaeontologists have really

struggled to tell the sex of
a dinosaur by its fossils,

because pretty much all the tissue
has decayed over the millennia

and so on. When artists specialising
in prehistoric animals have drawn

them, they've rather assumed
that the skin is tight

on the carcass, OK?

So it gives them this sort
of slightly skeletal,

slightly menacing look.
If you think about it, there seem
to be no fat dinosaurs. Yeah.

And lots of dinosaurs had feathers.
Some might have had bulging muscles.

So you get this effect. There's
a wonderful book called

All Yesterdays, and it has a look at
what we might think modern-day

animals would look like if we only
had the skeletons and we did

the sort of shrink-wrap effect. Oh!
So have a look at this one.

Would anybody know what that might
be? A hippo. It is a hippo, yeah.

Oh, my God.
It's fascinating, isn't it?

It's about how we cannot possibly
know what things might look like.

Except that does
look like a hippo.

In August 2005, the Sun reported
that a constellation that looked

like Richard Wilson of One Foot
In The Grave could be seen by anyone

with a keen eye. But it was actually
publicity for Summer Nights Of Gold

on UKTV Gold.

Bet he couldn't believe it.

I love these ones where they're
like the face of Jesus found in,

you know, apple, or something like
that, or a KFC bucket.

Do you know I was one of those?

Someone found your face?

No.

Sunday Sport ran a picture

and a full-page story. Picture of
you in the Sunday Sport, Sandi?

Well, no. What it was - they
claimed to have found my face

on Meghan Markle's knee.

There you are.

I've never been so pleased.

It's like the Turin Shroud
all over again. That's amazing!

Who's on her other knee?

I don't know who I'm sharing with.

Alan on the other knee!

There is a human who lives in a sand
castle and his name

is Marcio Matolias.

He's also known in Rio de
Janeiro as King Marcio.

And he's a sand sculptor.

He makes his money from tourists
and also from a used-book shop,

which he runs from a
three-square-metre castle

that has been his home
for over 20 years.

And it's made of sand?
It's made of sand.

That's his, where he lives.

He lives inside that sand castle.

His main problems are the elements.

So his castle can collapse
if there's a very heavy storm.

It gets UNBEARABLY hot
in the summer.

It's got no toilet.
You know, he can't do the...thing.

So he has to go to the fire
station if he wants to...

And they're all right with that?
Apparently, it costs a dollar

each time he goes!
I don't know why.

He's saving a lot on rent,
I suppose.

He's lived rent-free for more than


Doesn't the sea wash it away?

The trick is to build it above
the tide mark.

Right. In a lay-by off the A4.

My favourite childhood memory

was building sand castles
with my grandfather -

until my mum took the urn from me.
h*-h*!

Do you know what? I was once
the voice of Canesten thrush cream.

Were you?! Yes, they did a radio
commercial.

And you were... I was the voice of
Cane...

Well, the marketing people
had decided that, for the purposes

of this audio-only advert,
the Canesten

was going to be a stand-up comedian.

"Have you got an itch? I've got an
itch. I went to a bar, I'd got a bit
of an itch."

Yeah, it was exactly that.
And I thought...

I did a slightly different voice.

"You ever suffer
from embarrassing feminine itching?

"I don't know. Do you? Yes."

I thought, well, no-one
will ever know, because I've done

a slightly different voice. OK.

Then I got recognised
on the Tube by a blind woman.

How can you make your cat
smile at you?

Oh, cats! Don't start with cats.

I used to have two, and one would go
to the top of the curtains

and the other one would rip
the curtains down trying to get it.

That sums them up.

Sums them up!

Jamali, have you got cats or dogs?

I had a dog. Actually, I only
had a dog for, like, a week once,

because... It wasn't your dog?
Yeah, kind of.

I had this bike

and then a guy said to me,
"I want to buy the bike."

He goes, "I'll trade ya."
And I go, "What you got?"

And he goes, "I've got nunchuks."
So I've got the nunchuks.

And I said, "You've got to chuck
in 20 quid." He went,
"All right, cool."

So I went home. Mum's like,
"Where's your bike?"

I was like, "I've only got nunchuks
and 20 quid,"

and she's like, "Well,
no, go back and get your bike."

And I went back and I was,
"I need my bike back,"

and he goes, "All right, but I'll
give you this dog, instead."

I went, "All right."

So I took the dog back and then
someone's knocked at my house,

because that guy had stole the dog.

Oh, my word! So I had to then give
the dog back.

But I got to keep the
nunchuks,

so it was a happy ending.

Do you know what a nunchuk is?

What I do know is that Jamali and I
have very different lives.

Chris, have you ever used the system
for visually impaired viewers -
the audio description?

Yes. They fit in description
in the gaps of dialogue,

but they feel the need to fit it
in every single gap.

There's just no pausing for breath,
because they go, "What can we put
in this gap?"

"Let's tell them he's turned
around."

"Let's tell them
he shut the door."

I heard the door close!

Let me give you my favourite
examples from Channel 4's
Naked Attraction.

So it's a show - I've never seen
it - the lovely Anna Richardson

presents, and gradually she reveals
the naked bodies...

They're doing a celebrity version.
I could get you on. No, I'm good.

They're not. Shut up!

You seriously believed him! It's
only a question of time, though.

I totally believed you!
It's only a question of time

we get that phone call. They
gradually reveal the naked body

to a studio guest, or chooser, who
picks one to take on a date.

Oh, we've seen it, Sandi.
I haven't seen it.

So the chooser, in this instance,
was Brian. Anna Richardson,

"Can we please see the bottom half
of the bodies?"

Audio description -

"Wearing a colourful patterned
shirt,

"baby-faced Brian gulps
as the outer shells start to rise.

"Fingers pressed to his mouth,
Brian scans the line-up of

"well-landscaped lady gardens."

Well, I like that. Makes it sound
like they've got tulips growing.

Well, landscaped is lovely.

Wow. You don't want it overgrown.
You don't want the council coming

in every two years. You want it
properly... Everyone likes a patio.

Prince Albert is the closest
we've got to somebody

who couldn't perform
without an audience.

Is it like a thing where
for royalty you had to prove

that you've consummated
the marriage? They watched.

Yeah, it's the weirdest thing. So
Henry VI was King of England,


Margaret of Anjou -

they took more than eight
years to produce an heir,

and there were all sorts
of rumours that he was impotent,

or that she kept refusing.
A lot of sheep going missing.

They've discovered new evidence
to suggest that courtiers

had to accompany them to bed to make
sure that they did the deed.

The chamberlain of Henry VI
used to stay in the room

while they were in bed together.
On his phone.

They did finally have a baby -
Edward - but it was thought

to either be a b*stard
or a changeling.

People used to believe it was a
fairy or a devil child swapped in.

They were married, actually,
for a year before they met.

Did you know that? No!

So the Duke of Suffolk,
who was Henry's adviser, went

over to France in 1444 and married
Margaret in his place, which used

to be called a proxy wedding.

That's the most Indian sh*t
I've ever heard!

Well, tell me what you think
about this, because it wasn't

just weddings that were conducted
in absentia.

Mary Tudor, who was the sister
of Henry VIII,

her marriage to Louis XII
was consummated by proxy.

Do you know about this? Consummated
by proxy?!

Yes, consummated by proxy.

So the Duke of Longueville, who was
at the time a French hostage

in England, he acted as a stand-in
for Louis

for the consummation, right? So
there's a whole lot of spectators,

and Mary gets her clothes off and
she climbs into bed

and then the Duke takes off
his stockings,

doublet and hose from one leg,
puts his naked leg in under the

bedclothes and touches her with it.

And everybody applauds,
and that counts

as having consummated the marriage.

I don't understand straight
people at all.

Let's talk about sex with sloths,
first, shall we?

Yes, please. It would be weird if we
didn't talk about that.

I'm first in the queue
for that one. Ooh!

Isn't he the sweetest...?
Is it a she? I don't know.

Yeah, there's a look on that face,
isn't there?

I mean... Ready. "Come to bed, no?"

I would... I would not be kicking
that out.

No, of whatever tree you were
hanging in.

That is definitely a
come-hither look, isn't it?

It is, it really is.

So sloth sex begins with the female
screaming at the top of her lungs

that she's available.
Oh. Wah!

And then... Four years later.
Yeah.

Slowly, the man comes...
Did you hear that?

Before copulation takes place,
he comes slowly towards her.

Then it lasts as little as five
seconds, and that includes

the foreplay.

Well, I think she's probably sorted
herself out before he gets

there, hasn't she?
Do you reckon?

Well... And then... She's... Like,
"I've been screaming."

Lovely turn of phrase.

I sorted myself out before you
arrived. Yes, you were too slow,

I'm afraid.
I had to sort myself out.

Stopped at the pub again? Up to half
the females in the area can have

children from a single male, because
they just think, "Oh, easier.

"This one's here and I can't wait
for another one."

He's on the branch...

"He's just taken too long."
..as they say in sloth world.

Was he on the branch? He was.

I'll be ready in a minute.
Just fix me wig. Yeah.

Really reminds me of somebody
and I can't put... Ozzy Osbourne.

It looks just like Ozzy Osbourne.
It does.

What's the most popular Volkswagen?

Oh. Hmm.

Yes? Polo. Oh, no.
Golly, no. No, no.

KLAXON BLARES

It's the Beetle.

KLAXON BLARES

Any more for any more?

Oh. It's a Golf. I would have
said...

KLAXON BLARES

Passat.

KLAXON BLARES

Scirocco.

KLAXON BLARES

Kombi bus.

Ooh! Oh! No.

So we are measuring by
the number of items sold

rather than by the value,

and VW sells more sausages
than cars.

So I have some here.

These are Volkswagen Originalteil -

the original part. They're
curry-flavoured sausages.

They were originally produced in VW
factories to feed the staff.

They became so popular, they're now
sold by them for ten euros a pack,

and they are given as gifts in VW
dealerships in 11 countries,

but not in the UK.

When you buy a car, you get given
free sausages,

and the VW base in Wolfsburg has got


and they produce these.
I think it's wonderful.

These are original Volkswagen
sausages.

Can I just show you a trick?

So, first of all, I'm going
to light my lighter.

Ah! ALAN: Whoa! What happened,
because

just the smoke...? The smoke is
enough to draw it back down.

ALAN IMITATES expl*si*n

That's so cool!
Oh, that's like a magic trick.

Have a look at the video and it
makes it a little bit clearer,

but it is actually as if the flame
is passing down through the smoke.

So there it goes out.

Into the flames, smoke.

And look at it travelling. Ah!

That's amazing. Boom.

That is... Wow. Cool, huh? Yeah.

That's a good trick, isn't it?
That's a very good trick.
I like that.

What shape do bees make
honeycombs into?

Hexagon.

KLAXON BLARES

It was previously thought that bees
built their honeycombs

out of hexagons, and a lot of people
thought, "How have they done that?

"How have they made a perfect
hexagon?"

When you say, "Previously
thought," what you can do

is actually look at it.
There it is. So what they've

actually...

What they've actually
done... The famous honeycomb shape.

They create circular-shaped cells
using their own bodies as a mould.

Yes. And then, those form
a hexagonal shape by themselves

the same way that bubbles sit
together in a bubble bath.

Ah. What kind of
bees make milk?

That's the important question.

The point is, we thought...
Boobies!

Have you been home-educating
your kids? How is that going?

This is the tone of voice for home
schooling in the Davies household.

Yeah. "Just do it
and then bring it to me.

"TRY to do it!

"You haven't tried to do it!

"I can't read that."

So the point is, Alan,
that we thought that bees knew

how to make... Never mind "the
point is, Alan,"

you know they're hexagons and you've
shown some weird bee

not actually in a honeycomb.

"Oh, this is a good picture
where it's not a hexagon."

Find a proper one.

Your own time you're wasting.

Sofrito is an Italian mixture
of chopped carrots,

onions and celery used as a base for
soups, stews and sauces.

But what is suffrajitsu?

Yes?

A ninja suffragette.

Is correct. What?! Is it?!

I think I know something
about this. That is hilarious.

So, 18th of November, 1910,
it was also known as Black Friday...

Two people got k*lled? A
group of suffragettes were attacked

by police and two women died as a
result.

They wanted a way to fight back.
And there was a campaigner

and martial arts enthusiast called
Edith Garrud,

and she became
the official jujitsu instructor

to the Women's Social And Political
Union. I love it!

It gets better. It gets better.

They had like a hard core of 30
women who were like the shock troops

of the suffragettes.
They were known as the Amazons.

Yeah. And Emmeline Pankhurst
would give a speech

and they would get her out
or protect her.

There's a great incident
where they got her out of a building

in Camden. She was wearing
a veil, and the police eventually

managed to wrestle her away
and it was a decoy and she was gone.

But these women carried
clubs under their dresses.

I mean, they were very,
very, very determined.

And there's a marvellous cartoon
in Punch magazine of this woman,

Edith, standing in front of a group
of terrified policemen entitled

"The suffragette that knew
jiu-jitsu".

There is a thing, though,
about the soul leaving the body

in Latin America.
Has anybody ever heard of susto?

It's Spanish for "fright".

It's a sort of folk illness,

and sufferers believe that their
soul leaves the body

while they're still alive. So it's
the belief that you've had something

so terrible happen to you that your
soul has actually briefly departed

from your body. I've had that

when I've been offered gym
membership.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING