21x05 - Uncle Sam

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains some strong
language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

IN AMERICAN ACCENT: Good evening.
Welcome to QI.

Well, tonight, we have a unique,
special relationship with Team UK

against Uncle Sam. Unfurling The
Star-Spangled Banner,

we have a Texas ranger. It's Alex
Edelman.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A California girl, Kemah Bob.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The main man, David Mitchell.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

NORMAL ACCENT: And in a right old
state, it's Alan Davies.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right, let's hear their Liberty
Bells. Alex goes...

BUZZER PLAYS STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER

Kemah goes...

BUZZER PLAYS HAIL TO THE CHIEF

And David goes...

BUZZER PLAYS THE LIBERTY BELL MARCH

And Alan goes...

- # For the land of the free

# And the home

# Of the brave

# Of the brave... #

- APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

FIREWORKS BANG

I wonder if I could suggest that you
don't buzz in very often.

Hats away. There we go.

Right. Now, my first question is, why
are Americans so damn cheerful?

- Because they just shot someone.

- APPLAUSE

What do we think? Do we think
Americans are more cheerful?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Why?

- I think we're happy people because,
you know, we got

space and privilege.

- That's right. We own space.
- Yeah.

- And that rising inflection, which
always sounds upbeat.

- It does, doesn't it? If you finish
going UP... Yeah.

Well, it's a curious thing.

There is an actual correlation between
happiness

and historic immigration levels.

And one of the things about both
Canada and the United States

is that the citizens come from a huge
number

of source countries.

So Canada, 63 different countries.

83 in the United States.

And if you have to cross over language
boundaries and so on,

you have a greater reliance on facial
expressions and gestures,

and that builds trust and cooperation.

It can cause trouble.

So Walmart decided to open stores in
Germany in the early 2000s,

and they trained all the staff to
smile very broadly,

as they do in America.

And then they had to stop it because
customers thought

it was either weird or they were being
flirted with.

- Or something horrific is about to
happen.

- Some poor German's just come for
sauerkraut.

But no, there's somebody smiling.

So Americans break the ice by smiling.

We've established this.

What do you think the British do?

- They make small talk about weather.
- Is the correct answer.

Yes. Point to Alex. Absolutely right.

APPLAUSE

- Even when they're indoors, and there
are no windows.

- Yeah.
- "I think it's hot out. I don't
know."

- There was a survey in 2015, and 94%
of British respondents had talked

about the weather in the past six
hours,

and 38% had discussed it in the past
hour.

A sixth of all Beatles songs
referenced the weather.

- Yeah, but I have to say, I'm from,
like, a tropical place,

and, like, it's worth discussing. It's
messed up.

- Because it's an island and we are in
a place

where five air masses meet - this is
the actual reason -

that is why our weather is so
unpredictable.

- You're saying the reason we discuss
the weather is not

awkwardness, but because we're
genuinely interested

in the weather?
- Well, it is...it is genuinely
unpredictable.

And we are genuinely awkward.
- Yes.

- Both those things are true.

And also, if you have... I mean, my
wife's family are 300 miles away.

And when they communicate over that
distance, they always talk

about the weather, because it's always
different.
- Yes.

- And if it's ever warmer in
Northumberland

than it is in London, the phone rings
about six in the morning.

"It's hot, it's hot!"

- What's the number two thing that's
discussed, other than the weather?

Is there like a close second?
- It's immigration. Immigration.

- APPLAUSE

- But the thing about the weather is
you're sort of aware there's

another human being there, some noises
need to be made,

or you look weird. You mention the
weather. Fine.

But now because of climate change, the
weather has stopped

being an entirely harmless subject.

Actually, what you're talking about is
the threat of the whole

planet boiling away into space and no
longer being fit

for human life.
- Yeah, and that's not a good subject.

- It doesn't help an already awkward
people...
- No.
- ..who've latched

up on this, "Oh, dear. The drizzle,"

just to say something,

rather than just stand there and cry.

And now what you will find yourself
saying is,

"I imagine we'll all die within a
generation."

- Which is why it's important

that we start going back to church,
because previously you'd meet

someone in the...and you could talk
about the sermon on the Sunday.

- Oh, yes. Yeah.

- That's the reason we should...

- Take your mind off the extinction.

- I feel for you guys, culturally,
because nobody wants to hear

about that in the morning.

And so I want to offer you, like, "How
are you?" as something to say

to a person.

- Well, my advice would be do not ask
a British person that.

- APPLAUSE

OK. So let me ask you a general
question.

Are you having a nice day?

Today. Kemah, are you having a nice
day?

- Yeah. I get paid a lot to talk and
get my make-up done

by a professional.

I'm having a great day.

- As soon as you let me know where
that is,

I'll be there.

What about you, darling? Are you
having a nice day?

- I wasn't until I found out we're all
going to die.

- David Doom-monger, are you having a
nice day?

- I would say not particularly.

This morning, I felt very tired and
sluggish.

I had an irritating phone
conversation.
- You see?

ALEX:
- This is unbelievable.

- Difficult... A difficult email that
I haven't replied to.

So that's hanging over me tomorrow.

- But surely all of these issues are
dietary.

- Don't let me get into, you know,

the difficulties I had with my morning
sh*t.

- Exactly where I was hoping we'd go.

- Alan, are you having a nice day?
- Actually, yes.

I've had sex with my wife twice this
week.

- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

- I was briefly regretting mentioning
sh1tting,

because I thought it was a bit...

..a bit too personal, but now I feel
it was fine.

- So whether you're having a nice day
depends on where you come from.

So there's an annual survey done by
the Pew Research Center.

So they interview about 50,000 people
in 44 countries, and they ask

everybody how their day is going, as a
sort of icebreaker.

So the latest survey that we have is
from 2017.

30% of the world said

their day was pretty good, 62 said it
was typical, and 6% said

it was bad. And the UK is about
average.

About a third of the people will say
what you said,

which is, "I'm having a good day".

- I'm so glad that you said, "I'm
having good day,"

not, "I've had sex twice with my
wife."

- But the US is more cheerful. 44% in
the United States saying

they're having a good day.

Right. We've got small talk out the
way.

Let's get to the meat of the show.

Name something as American as apple
pie.

- Type 2 diabetes.

- APPLAUSE

- Is apple pie American?
- Yes. What do we reckon?

- I think apple pie is probably a dish
that exists in many,

many different countries.

- Yeah, it's giving Dutch to me, but
maybe that's

just because they're the only people
known for their ovens.

- Much older than America. Much, much
older.

There is a 1380s, so a 14th-century,
English cookbook called

The Forme of Cury, which has got an
apple pie recipe in it.

I mean, it's a bit strange.

It's got pears and prunes and raisins,
and also recommends

salmon or haddock in the apple pie.
- Urgh!

- Anyway, that's the first recipe that
we can find, is from 1380.

- Apple pie?
- For apple pie.

- Apple pie's British, then?
- Well, it could be.

- To make a pie, you need pastry,
right?

- You need a rolling pin. When was
that invented?

- Well, I imagine it's around the same
time as the wheel.

I would have thought.
- Just a long wheel.
- It is a long wheel.

It's like a combination of the wheel
and the stick.

- It's very interesting because my
thought about this pie is my family

doesn't cook by recipes.
- Right.

- There were bound to be apple pies
before this one.

- I mean, I would say definitely the
pie has to predate the first pie

recipe, because there's no way anyone
got

the sheer chutzpah to write

a recipe that they haven't even tried.

"OK, here we go.

"Flour, eggs, apples,

"raisins, haddock. Go for it!"

- But also, the pastry originally was
a sort of medieval

version of Tupperware. It was known as
a coffin.

And you put it in... It was made of
animal fat and wheat.

And it was just to keep everything
nice.

You actually threw that bit away. You
didn't actually eat that bit.

Where do apples come from?
- Trees.

- APPLAUSE

- If you spent a bit more time in
church,

you'd know that it comes from snakes.

- DAVID:
- They don't come from snakes. They're
marketed by snakes.

- Marketed. Peddled.
- Yeah, absolutely.

But to be honest, it's an odd choice
that people assume

that the forbidden fruit is an apple.

It's a bit bland, isn't it? You'd sort
of go,

"You can't have the apple." So you go,
"Fine.

"I'll have a Twirl."

Where is it, the first...?
- Apples come from Kazakhstan.

That's where they originate from.
Yeah.

- Sick. People think that country is
fake because of Borat,

and that's f*cked up.

- It's like the Kazakhstan Tourist
Board was here.

- "Come to Kazakhstan,

"where you will find apples unlike
anywhere else in the world."

- Well, the largest Kazakh city,
Almaty, means "father of apples".

They're really keen on the apple.

- Well, they probably made the first
apple pie.
- Oh.

- So no-one bothered writing it down,
because everyone knew

how to make an apple pie.

- There is a pie that originated in
the United States.

What is the pie that is American?
- Blueberry pie.

- No. Pumpkin pie.

Pumpkin pie is the American original
pie.

- Of course. From Thanksgiving.
- Yeah.

- Also, pumpkins originated in the
United States.

Well, Mexico and then the southern
part of the United States.

There are US foods that don't sound
American.

Things like the Cuban sandwich.

Are you familiar with the Cuban
sandwich?

- That sounds like a sort of m*rder
technique.
- Yes, it does.

- It's a way of k*lling someone with
two vehicles.

- It's ham and cheese and pickles and
mustard.

What about the English muffin? Is it
English?

- Guessing it's American, given the
category and the backdrop.

Is it really? Yeah, it's American.
- It's American.

But served first by the English. I
mean, brought to America

by the English. What do we call
English muffins?

- Muffins.
- Muffins. Yes.

- Wait. Do you actually?

- Well, yes, although it has become
confused with the sort

of large disappointing cake.
- Yeah.

This is one of my favourite facts of
all time.

In 1972, the Canadian Broadcasting
Corporation, they held a contest

to come up with a national slogan for
Canada, which was going

to be the equivalent of the American,

"As American as apple pie".

And the winning entry was,

"As Canadian as possible under the
circumstances."

APPLAUSE

- When I was a teenager, someone told
me that they were going to change

the title of the national anthem,
because even the national anthem

for Canada was boring. It's like, "Oh.
Canada."

- Can you think of anything for the
UK?

The only thing I could think of was,
"Mustn't grumble, but we will."

- I think I'd just go with, "See it,
say it, sorted."

- APPLAUSE

- "Mustn't grumble" is a good one.

"I mustn't grumble, but allow me half
an hour."

- "Might never happen."
- Yeah, "might never happen."

- "Cheer up! It might never happen!

"Be lucky!"

"If you can't be good, be lucky. If
you can't be lucky, be careful.

"If you can't be careful...I can't
remember."

- "Resist optimism."
- Yeah. Oh, that's good.

- That would be a good slogan.
- That's very good. I like that.

Yeah. That would look nice in
cross-stitch.

That's nice.

To summarise, apple pie is about as
American

as apple pie, ie not at all.

Name the biggest pest that crossed the
Atlantic to terrorise America.

- We have a lot of British actors
taking American superhero jobs.

- Right.
- Like, Christian Bale's Welsh and he
was Batman.

And now Robert Pattinson is Batman.

And before that, Andrew Garfield was
Spider-Man.

And now Tom Holland is Spider-Man.

And like, oh, Henry Cavill, Super...

Like, these are American jobs.

- APPLAUSE

- Yes!

- Smallpox, typhus, cholera. These are
all pests and whatever.

But what is the biggest pest?

- Horses.
- Horses?

- Horses.
- We're talking about pigs.

- Oh!
- Wow.

- Feral swine became a huge problem in
North America.

They were brought in by the Europeans,
including Columbus.

- I think they still are a problem.
- They are still a problem.

- Have you of heard of HeliBacon?
- What?
- No.

- When someone goes, what's the most
American thing in the world?

It's this. All right.

There's a company called HeliBacon in
Texas that you can hire.

And what it will do, it's a helicopter
with a mounted

machinegun, and it takes you out and
you sh**t feral pigs,

which are indeed a problem.

You sh**t feral pigs from the
helicopter with the machinegun,

and then you eat the bacon and like,
it's like the end of Platoon

or something.

- I don't think I'd be sh**ting
anything from a helicopter.

But in the early 19th century, there
was one feral pig for every

five people walking the streets of
Manhattan.

I mean, it was a serious...
- Really?
- Yeah, I mean, they ate anything.

So that's good for keeping the streets
clean.

But they attacked children.

They defecated on people.
- Yeah.

- Ladies watched swine having sex with
swine.

I mean, it was horrific.

And today they cause two and a half
billion dollars

of damage every single year.

There's a problem with feral pigs in


and there are over six million of
these guys.

They are a sort of super pig.

They have the most dominant qualities
of the wild pig

and those of the domestic pig.

So they are incredibly resilient to
disease, but they're incredibly

aggressive and they are probably

the most destructive invasive species
in the United States.

- And one of them is actually the
junior Senator from Mississippi.

He's chairman of the Armed Services
Committee.

We have no idea what to do, so.
- But all we know is that he's
incredibly

resilient to disease.
- Yeah.

- Well, there was one in Georgia
called Hogzilla, about

eight-foot-long, 28-inch-long tusks,
weighed 800lb.

So that's the equivalent of, I don't
know, five fully grown women.

And it was a hybrid of a wild hog and
a domestic pig.

In 1988, there was a $16 million
fighter jet and it was wrecked,

and the pilot was forced to eject out
onto the runway

because there were two pigs.
- There was a pig in it?

- There were two pigs in the way, on
the runway.

- Oh, I thought it might have got in
the plane.

It's sitting in the c*ck.
- I imagine, yeah, it is.

- LAUGHTER

- Press the button.

- HE GRUNTS

That's a great way to avoid getting
shot by a helicopter.

- Oh, it took the helicopter out.

- Let's change the subject, because
another unwelcome European

import was the earthworm. Why might
the earthworm

not be something that is welcome in
the United States?

- Hmm.
- Did it wipe out all the natural
native earthworms.

- Well, so here's the thing.

Something else wiped out all the
native earthworms.

- Birds?
- No.

10,000 years ago, glaciation wiped
them out completely.

There were no endemic earthworms in
the north of the USA and then...

- What?
- No, none at all.

And then they were inadvertently
introduced by settlers who brought

plants and all kinds of things.

And because they had very few
predators, these Eurasian

earthworms, they changed the whole
ecosystem.

They reduced the biodiversity of
forest plants.

They had a negative effect on
birdlife, animal life, reptiles

and so on. So they've been a really,
really bad import.

- It's wild to hear that they weren't
always there because there's certain

times of the year where you can't
avoid them on the concrete.

Like, I'm like, "Go home. Don't you
like dirt?"

- They're fine in the garden. It's the
forests where they really make a mess
of things.

- But why are they always crossing the
street?

- ALL:
- To get to the other side.

- LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Horse racing is the sport of kings.

But what is the sport of presidents?

- Cheating on your spouse?

- Yeah!

- HOOTER

APPLAUSE

- Ah!

- Is that the former Prince Charles?
- It is. Yeah.
- What?
- OK.

- He's not sitting in that thing
properly, is he?
- Is he falling off?

- LAUGHTER

- It's a lovely picture of his tail.

- LAUGHTER

- Because not everyone realises that
the Royal Family all have tails.

No.
- It's not where you want to be if

the horse does do its business, is it?

- I'm just stunned because there's no
way he can see past its butthole,

what's happening?
- It looks like he's looking into it.

- It does!
- He's got an iPad wedged in there.

- Yeah!

- He's watching episode after episode
of The Simpsons.

- Or...

..there's a servant going,

"Right a bit, sir, right a bit. "Left
a bit!"

- Or the whole time they're doing it,
the horse keeps its mouth open.

I mean, it's a straight through.

LAUGHTER

- Is it...

..is it golf?

HOOTER

- Yeah. I was going to say golf, I'm
glad I didn't now.

- So I'm going to go early days of the
United States.

And the reason it's the sport of
presidents is a curiosity.

What do you suppose? Early sport.
American Presidents.

- Cricket.
- Baseball? Cricket?

- Cricket is the correct answer.

Cricket is absolutely the correct
answer.
- I said it first.

You heard me. I said it first!

- Did you say cricket?
- I only said it because Alan was
saying it.

So I didn't get it.

- OK. I'm going to give you one point.
And none to you.

It was by far the most popular sport
in the early days

of the United States, cricket.

In fact, president is a cricketing
term.

So when the new country was trying to
decide the name of its rulers,

John Adams wanted the leader to be
styled

"his exalted high mightiness".

- Wait, wait. So the...cricket...

- So, president...
- But I'm stuck on cricket. How old is
cricket?

- Cricket is very old indeed.

Probably goes back, in fact, to
another game called stoolball

that was invented by milkmaids.

- Is that what he's playing right
there?

But you'd make, turn your stool into a
ball.
- Yes.

- And then throw it at a pig.

- You've got to use what you have.
- But president is what they used

to call the leaders of cricket clubs.

And John Adams complained and said, we
don't want president,

it sounds like he's leading a cricket
club, but they felt

that that was better than a grand
title of a European royal family.

So it was accepted.
- Thank goodness.

- Anybody know where the first major
defeat of the British

was on American soil?

So it was in 1755.
- 1755.

That's before the Seven Years' w*r.

- It's the French and Indian w*r, and
it is Fort Duquesne, which today

is...

- West Point?
- Pittsburgh.

Anyway, the General Braddock, who was
in charge,

he was so confident that he was going
to beat the French

that he brought with him a cricket
roller so that he could roll out

the ground after the battle and they
could have a cricket match.

Instead, as you can see here, he was
shot dead.

- LAUGHTER

- How big a deal was cricket?

Because it sucks now.

- No, it was...
- Aaaaaah!

- BOOING

- Shut the hell up. I will fight every
single one of you.

- Do you know, darling,

do you know who was a huge fan of
cricket, apart

from General Braddock?
- Pinocchio?

- LAUGHTER

George Washington, your very first
president,

was a big fan of cricket.
- Such a great man.

- Yeah. He was there at the battle.
That's him on the horse.

And he was there as Braddock lay
dying.
- Is that a horse climbing a tree?

- LAUGHTER

- Is it climbing a tree or has it just
spotted something?

- It's a squirrel.

Or it's the rider.

"Come down from there, there's a
battle on!"

- "I didn't mean it!"

- "I didn't mean to sh*t on you."

"You were riding the thing wrong."

- I like the way that horse is giving
the guy an affectionate

little nuzzle in the groin. Yeah.

- Thoughtful.
- This'll cheer him up.
- LAUGHTER

- Is that...?
- I'll wank him off with my knee.

- LAUGHTER

- That is... That's what I call a
nice, dependable animal.

Wait. Is that Braddock, the one who's
getting kicked in the nuts?

- George Washington is on the horse,

and Braddock is the one that's dying.

He's the British general, Braddock.

And how British is this, as he lay
dying,

his last words were,

"Who would have thought...?"

LAUGHTER

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

- I was guessing he'd be like,

"What's the weather in Northumberland
like today?"

- But people forget that George
Washington at that time

was on the side of the British, and he
remained a cricket

fan his entire life.

He allowed his troops to play during
the Revolutionary w*r.

And we know that he played a sort of
rough and ready version

of the game called Wickets, at Valley
Forge in the very famous

summer of 1778.

And he wasn't the only big name US
fan.

Benjamin Franklin is the person who
introduced the rules of the game

to North America.
- Mm.

- We know Abe Lincoln went to see
cricket matches.

- The stuff that Abe Lincoln went to
see...

..didn't go well for him. I mean,
like...

- DAVID:
- You're trying to make the point, and
it is an absurd one,

that the fact that Abraham Lincoln was
m*rder*d while in an audience

meant that he should never have
watched anything.
- Yeah.

- You're in turn trying to make that
reflect badly on cricket as a

sport, and I just don't think it holds
water as an argument at all.

- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

What do American actors say?

"Apart from that, Mrs Lincoln, did you
enjoy the show?"

- Yes, she did.
- Oh, my God!

- The very first international match
in any sport was a USA versus Canada

cricket match of 1844.

I'm afraid Canada won.

So why did baseball win out?

- It's so great if you like

an hour of excitement stretched out
over the course of a whole

summer, it's unbelievable.

- I personally think it's nice if you
enjoy...

..the butts of men.

- GRADUAL LAUGHTER

- I think you'd really like snooker.

- LAUGHTER

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

- Back in the '70s, there were some
classic arses there.
- Yeah.

- So why did baseball win out? What do
we reckon?

- I...
- I think... Sorry, Alex.
- No, no, you go ahead.

- Oh, well, see, we're learning from
you guys.

Um...

I feel like it's probably because an
American created it.

- No, it's invented in England.
- I'm afraid so.

- Abner Doubleday invented baseball.

- That is a myth. I'm afraid

Jane Austen writes about baseball long
before it becomes a big game.

- Jane Austen?
- I thought you were going to say she
created it.

- Yeah.

- She writes about it in Northanger
Abbey.

So that's 1798, she starts to write
about it.

DAVID:
- Was it because it took less space to
play?

- It needs to be less manicured.

You need less equipment, so you can
have a pick up game

of baseball in a way that you can't
really with cricket.

- Basically use the rolling pin you've
just made an apple pie with.

- Yeah, absolutely.

OK. Who won the cricket w*r of 1848?

So what do we think?

- There's Alexander Armstrong keeping
wicket, I know that.

- LAUGHTER

- Is the picture relevant?

- Is it cricket in a different sense?
- Yes.
- It's the insect.

- It is the insect.

It is the cricket pest.

And we are in the state of Utah.

- What? So is it a w*r between the
crickets and the humans?

- Sort of, yes.

So...
- That sounds like a good idea for a
film.

- It's a very, very significant moment
in Mormon history.

So the very first...
- Ah!

The crickets were like fighting for
wives.

- LAUGHTER

So the very first Latter-day Saints,
they'd arrived in Salt Lake City

the year before, and their first crops
were invaded

by black crickets. It was horrific.

And they prayed for help.

And sure enough, thousands of seagulls
turned up and ate

all of the insects.

- They're quite a long way inland.
- They're quite a long way in.

Absolutely, a very long way in.

But they knew about the crickets

and they used to arrive every single
year.

This is a six-inch Mormon cricket.

- How, what makes him a Mormon?

- That's the name of it, darling, not
that it's a Mormon.
- Oh, OK.

- LAUGHTER

Just out of shot, six wives.

LAUGHTER

No, the seagulls did this annually.

And in fact, in 1955, the Californian
seagull was chosen

as the state bird of the landlocked
Utah, and they have a statue

to commemorate the event.

- You've got to be careful, though, if
you're relying on the seagulls

to wipe out the insects so you don't
produce too many chips.

- Yes, definitely.

- They'll prefer a chip to a cricket.

- Oh, and they're terrifying.
- Mm-hm.

- So I was in Brighton with my
grandchildren and I went to buy

a fish and chips and the man said,
"Mind the seagulls."

And I went, "Yeah." You know.

And I turned around and literally as I
turned, a seagull the size

of a horse descended.

LAUGHTER DROWNS COMMENT

And I just gave them, I just gave them
away.
- Yeah.

- And, and my grandchildren now hate
me. Erm...

LAUGHTER

- Do the seagulls go,

"Oh, that's hot, h*-ott..."?

- "Hot, hot, hot."

- "Hot, hot, hot, hot."

"h*-ottt." But you never leave them,
do you?

You just get another one, it's still
hot.

- LAUGHTER

Other claims to fame of Utah? Anybody?

- A very salty lake.
- Yes.

A Salt Lake City.

- Absolutely right. So they have these
salt flats

and it's a great place to race cars.

- The Bonneville Salt Flats.

- That is exactly right.

This is the Bonneville Salt Flats and
it's home to the world's longest

skid mark.

- Great.

- I'd like to debate that.

- LAUGHTER

SHE CACKLES

It was a guy called Norman Craig
Breedlove and he drove something

called the jet-powered Spirit of
America.

- And he shat himself.

- Well...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

- "Waaaaah!

"This is really fast!"

- He lost control of that.

- I'll bet he did.
- He lost control of that.

LAUGHTER

And he left skid marks that were six
miles long.

- Totally understandable.
- Yeah.

- He did, in the end, in 1964, he did
beat the world record on land.

It was 500 miles an hour.
- Wow.

- Utah was the very first state to
elect a female state Senator,

Martha Hughes Cannon.

And when she stood for the Senate, she
defeated,

that's her husband, Angus.

So she's a Democrat.

He was a Republican, and she defeated
her own husband

in the election, which I love.

CHEERING

She's a really remarkable woman.

She was a doctor.

She was in a polygamous marriage.

She was the fourth of Angus's six
wives, and she was a suffragist.

So women had been voting in Utah since


And then in 1887, they decided to take
the vote away.

And she campaigned and campaigned.

And in 1896, they got the vote back.

She decided to stand for election and
she beat her own husband.

She went on to write all the state
sanitation laws.

She helped found Utah's first State
Board of Health.

When she studied to be a doctor, she
was the only woman out of 75

students at the University of
Pennsylvania.

I just think, I think she's a
remarkable woman.

I love when we find people like this
that we should remember them.

She's terrific.
- Definitely.

- Speaking of conflict, back in the


just before the w*r of Independence,

what did they call that event

where a load of tea was
unceremoniously dumped

into Boston Harbour?

- Brunch!

- I know you want me to say Boston Tea
Party.

- HOOTER

- But your question was, what do they
call it?

Back then or something like that?
- Yes, back in the 18th century.

- Oh, sorry.
- At the time it happened.

So 1773, what was it called?

- I would imagine it was referred to
differently by the British

and by the Americans.

- Pretty much everybody called it
"destruction of the tea".

- Ah.
- Yeah.

- I prefer that.
- It's what, it happened, didn't it?

Because there was absolutely no tea
party involved.

- ALEX:
- I'm from Boston.

We're very proud of the Boston Tea
Party.

- But why is it called a party?

- Because it was awesome, you know.

There's fancy dress. See, everyone's
dressed up.
- Yeah.

- We won't say what they're

politically incorrectly dressed up as.
- About.

- But it's a thing, calling it a tea
party implies that some tea was made

during it, rather than destroyed.

- ALEX:
- Yeah, they made it.

And my experience, I'm sorry to say
this, my experience

of the United States is that when you
order tea, it is made

in a similar way to putting an
insufficient amount of tea

in an impossibly large quantity...

- Excuse me.
- ..of cold water!

- APPLAUSE

CHEERING

They did actually do the maths on
that.

So there's a guy called Randall Munroe
of xkcd.

It's a sort of online maths-based
comic, and he worked this out.

So in order to make a good cup of tea,
you need two grams of tea

per 100 mil of water.

And Boston Harbour is half a cubic
kilometre.

So if you put 44 tonnes, which is what
they did, 44 tonnes of tea

in it, it would be weak, bordering on
homeopathic.

In fact, if you dumped all the tea in
the world into Boston Harbour,

it would still be weak.

And as you quite rightly say, it's
cold water, so it'd make

terrible tea...
- You people are ill.

You're ill, like...

The primary concern of this is like,
well, was it good tea?

- LAUGHTER

Well, it really matters.

So when King George VI visited
Washington in 1939, he went

to visit FDR, and they were very
concerned that he would be able

to have a decent cup of tea.

So a lab called the Betz Laboratory,

they synthesised London water, so it
would be exactly the same at home.

And the White House ordered five
gallons

of this synthesised lab water.

And about halfway through the visit,
they got a note saying, "We find

"that we'll need far more water than
we asked for."

"Could we have another 20 gallons?"

But can you tell me why the Boston Tea
Party happened

in the first place? What was it about?

- I...
- Oh, a girl.

It's always a woman.

- Taxation without representation is
what we're always told.

- It is taxation without
representation.

It's the fact that the British were
able to impose taxes.

But actually it was to do with a tax
cut rather than a tax hike.

- It was a tax cut given to...?

- It was given to the British East
India Company,

and they were allowed to sell their
tea directly to Americans,

and avoid selling it through the
American tea merchants,

who had to pay much higher taxes.
- What?!

- Why do you think that, in the UK,


kettles to make their tea, and hardly
any are in the United States?

What do you think that's about?

- It's because of the different
standard voltage

of the electricity system here.
- Yeah, absolutely.

It would take so long to boil a kettle
in the United States.

Although, can I just say, I grew up in
New York,

and I still have friends from high
school and I went to visit one

of them and she made instant tea with
a sachet in a glass,

and then she put it in the microwave.

It's the most disgusting thing I've
ever seen in my whole life.

- Made it with cold water.

- Cold water.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. I know.

LAUGHTER

- I just want to say, like, I'm sorry.

Like, we don't, we don't respect tea
the way that we should.

- Well, this is interesting, darling.

So this is a place called Tea Kettle
Junction in California.

And people write messages on tea
kettles and hang it.

And I can't find out why they do. I
quite like it.

- It's because they're in love.

- It's just like that fence in Paris.

You could actually do it with
anything, anywhere.
- Oh, with the padlocks.

Yeah.
- You know, you just place something
somewhere and other people

do it too. And then it means stuff.

- LAUGHTER

Relations between the British and
Americans over tea have often

been rather strained.

GROANING

I thank you.

Name an American state on the same
latitude as London.

- New York and Madrid are the same.

So it must be above New York. I'm
going to say New Hampshire.

- I'm saying Maine.

- OK. Everywhere in the contiguous
United States...

So that's the main bodies. That's not
Hawaii and Alaska.

..is further south than London is.

Every single bit of it.

Almost all of Alaska, apart from one
island, is further north.

- This has just made clear to me how
much sun I have forsaken.

- LAUGHTER

- It is south of here. The whole thing
is south of here.

- What is the closest American state
to Africa?

- My heart.
- Florida?

- HOOTER

- No?

- It's the tilt of the United States.

The state of Maine is closer to Africa
than anywhere else.
- Oh.

Mm-hm.
- See? Just across the distance there.

Try this one, OK?

What's exactly halfway between the
middle of America and the UK?

- The Atlantic Ocean?

- Waaah!

- LAUGHTER

- It could almost be, looking at this
map...
- Jersey.

- It could almost be the edge of
Newfoundland.

- Is the correct answer.
- Oh!
- Oh.
- The absolute correct answer.

APPLAUSE

- That's so impressive. Wow.

- So, dead centre of America is a
place called Lebanon, Kansas,

population of 178.
- Yeah.

- Named after? Lebanon in Kansas named
after?

- Lebanon, the country.

- No. Lebanon, Kentucky.

LAUGHTER

- Yeah.
- Lebanon, Kentucky, named after?

- I mean, the question is how many
Lebanons there are before

you get to Lebanon?

- You never get to Lebanon.
- You never get to Lebanon?

- No, it's cedar trees.

- But they're named after Lebanon,
aren't they?

- Yes.
- Cedars of Lebanon, named after
Lebanon.
- Yes.

- So you've got Lebanon, Lebanon,
Lebanon, Lebanon, Lebanon,

Cedars, Lebanon.

- Well done.

APPLAUSE

So this end of the United States is
Lebanon, Kansas, the nearest

point in the United Kingdom, Derry,
Londonderry.

And of course, halfway you'd get
Frances Bay in Newfoundland.

- I went to college in Waco, Texas,
and fun fact about it,

there's like a Londonderry Road.

There's just random British stuff
everywhere.

And I've just been here for the past
six years, like,

"Oh! Old York." Like, you know.

- Now we reach Old Faithful.

It's the Grand Canyon of the unknown
that we call general ignorance.

Fingers on buzzers, please. Alan, do
not, please, buzz.

What do Americans call these?

- Uh!
- Yes.

- Pringles.
- Pringles.
- Yes, but what is it?

What kind of thing are Pringles?

- They call them chips.
- Yeah.

- HOOTER

- They're not chips?
- They're not called chips.
- Oh.

- So in...
- Potato chips?

- No. They, this is the weirdest
thing.

Because of the law in the United
States, they are required

to be called crisps.
- Mm.

- Because Pringles contain less than


- Yeah.
- 40%, in fact.

And the rest is oil and water in a
top-secret mixture.

- They're disgusting.
- Oh, you don't like them?

- No.
- No, they're not. They're delicious.

You've got, you've got your settings
wrong.

Yeah.

- LAUGHTER

- They're delicious.
- ALEX:
- Yeah. He's finally right.

- They're so grainy, the texture is
ridiculous.

- You haven't had pizza flavour.

- Is that a thing, pizza flavour?

ALEX:
- The flavours are a bit weird.

- Who are the people that require any
flavours?
- Yes.

- Original ones are delicious.
- Yes.

- People should be happy with that.

- LAUGHTER
- Have you seen Oreos recently?

Oreos is an innovator like you can't
believe.

- Yes, I tell you where I've seen
Oreos recently, I've seen all broken

up in Dairy Milk because of the merger
or takeover

of Cadbury's by Kraft.

And now you've got these horrible
mash-ups of different...

We're going to end up with cheese
slices in Whole Nut.

- LAUGHTER

SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE

- An Oreo bit has got no business in
any Dairy Milk.

- APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

- The acceptable face of nationalism.

- LAUGHTER

I suddenly have a sense of how hard it
is to run the UN.

LAUGHTER

- I hate it, all the new flavours. And
like Orange KitKat.

f*ck off!

- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

- You don't have to eat them, David.

- I'm not blaming you.

I... I don't have to eat them.
- "Thank you so much!"

- You do...

YOU don't have to watch cricket.

I quite like cricket, but it's
slightly spoiled for me

that I have to watch it in the same
world where Orange KitKat exists.

- Change is bad.

- Yeah.

- So crisps, Pringles are called
crisps.

They're probably the only ones called
crisps in the United States.

- Right.
- The Pringles can was invented by an
American organic chemist

called Fred Baur. He invented it for
Procter & Gamble in 1966,

and he was so proud of it that when he
died, his ashes

were interred in a Pringles can and,
some of it was in an urn,

it didn't all fit in the can.

Anyway, after his death, his son and
siblings debated what flavour

to use for the ashes.
- Yeah.

Sour cream and onion.

- No, they said, "We need to use the
original."

- Oh!
- Yeah, so.
- Quite right.

It would have otherwise been...
- LAUGHTER

- Otherwise it would have been very
disrespectful, I think.

- Pringles were renamed as crisps when
the chips were down.

GROANING

Measured from top to bottom,

what species is the world's tallest
tree?

- Oh! Yeah.

- Redwood?

- HOOTER

- Well done.
- Top to bottom?
- Yeah, top to bottom.

- Does that mean roots?
- Yes, it does.

So sequoia or giant redwood is what
most people would say,

but they have very shallow roots, so
typically only a couple

of metres deep. But if you are
measuring from the very top

down to the roots...
- Wow.

- ..the tallest tree in the world is a
fig tree in Limpopo

in South Africa. Ten metres above the
ground,

that's what you can see, the roots,


- Oh, sh*t.
- Whoa!
- That's incredible.

- So what looks like a snake running
through that picture is, in fact,

the roots of the fig tree.

- Where are they trying to get to?
- It is trying to get somewhere.

It's trying to reach water.
- Yeah.
- And it's trying to reach water

in the Echo Caves, which are some of
the oldest caves in the world.

The tallest tree from ground to top is
a redwood.

It's in California. It's called the
Hyperion.

It's 115.85 metres tall.

- Very, very tall.

- How do you think it was measured?

The tallest tree in the world. How do
you think it was measured?

- We were taught this in school.

We went to Epping Forest,

- LAUGHTER

- We stood and looked at a tree and
then you had to know your own height
and you had to know

how far from the tree you were and the
angle of the...

And we could work it out. When I was
nine,

I could tell you the height of any
tree I stood in front of.

And by the time I was ten, that
knowledge had gone.
- Gone.

- LAUGHTER

Well, the correct answer is Professor
Steve Sillet,

who measured it, climbed up to the top
and dropped

a really long measuring tape.

- Several measuring tapes, I imagine.

- So, they are amazing, sequoia trees,
but not as amazing as the person

they're named after.

A Native American linguist... Do you
know about this?
- Yeah.

- Mm-hm.
- ..Sequoyah, who created the written
Cherokee

language from scratch.

He was fighting for the United States
against Britain, and he saw

that the white soldiers were able to
write letters home

and receive letters. And the Cherokee
could not do that because

they didn't have a written language.

And it took him 12 years.

He used Roman, Greek, Cyrillic
letters, but he didn't use

the conventional sounds. So the symbol
A represents the sound GO.

The symbol 4 represents the sound SE.

And he showed it to the chiefs in 1821
and it was accepted.

And, seven years after its adoption by
the Cherokee, in 1828,

the very first Cherokee-language
newspaper was printed,

the Cherokee Phoenix.

So I love when you look at the sequoia
tree, you must remember

him, because what an amazing thing to
have invented an alphabet

all by yourself.
- Yeah, that's brilliant.

Like, what a great person.
- Yeah.

The world's tallest tree isn't
technically a sequoia,

but who gives a fig? Right. Let's...
SOME LAUGHTER

Paying attention!

Let's look at the scores.

In second place, with a combined
-38 points,

our American Idiots tonight are Team
USA,

Alex and Kemah.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

While our...
- Kemah and I have refused to concede,
actually.

- OK. Oh!
- We will not be conceding tonight.
- Yeah.

- We're going to wait until all of the
votes are counted.
- Uh-huh.

And recounted.
- Yeah.
- No, that's...

- And on January something...
- Yeah.

- ..you guys, if you agree with me,
you show 'em how you feel.

- OK.

So you think there's some voting
irregularities? Is that what you're
thinking?
- Yes, I think so.

- Very fine people on both sides.
- Yeah.

- Our winners, with a combined -22
points, putting

the great into Great Britain, it's
Team UK, David and Alan.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

That's it for this edition of QI.

Thanks to Kemah, Alex, David and Alan,
I think we've done our bit

in cementing the special relationship
between the UK

and the US tonight. I think it's
brought us all closer,

although, of course, closeness is a
relative concept.

As the old joke goes, a British person
thinks 100 miles

is a long way.

An American thinks 100 years is a long
time. Goodnight.
- Hah!