03x05 - Lopez vs Friends

[bunniefuu]

[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

Have you and Quinten talked about who

your groomsmen and your
bridesmaids are going to be?

Oh, I don't think we're doing that.

I've narrowed my groomsmen down

to four D&D friends

and two of the three
members of my cheese club.

- Wait, so I need six bridesmaids?
- Yeah.

What, you haven't picked
them yet? Get on it, Mayan.

I guess I've just been so
busy, I haven't had time to...

Tweeze?

Have a social life.

I mean, between family
and working with a bunch

of dudes in a truck, I...

oh, my God, I have no friends.

You have one friend.

Me.

No, I can't show up to my wedding

with my mom being my only friend.

That's embarrassing.

But we've always done
everything together...

concerts, roller rinks.

I was even your date to
some of your school dances.

Well, I think it's sweet
how close you two are.

It's like that movie with
the mother and daughter

that lived together.

What... what was that called?

"Grey Gardens."

I was thinking "Freaky Friday,"

but, no, yeah, "Grey Gardens."

That's totally you guys.

[PATRIOTIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[DOGS BARKING]

Mother, darling, have
you fed the dogs today?

They're awfully snippy.

I'm cooking it now.

They love my corn.

Churro 1, 2, 3, 4, and Peggy.

Mother, I think I might go
out and meet a friend today.

You don't have any friends.

I once had a friend.

Mother got rid of her in 15 minutes.

Who are you talking to?

My imaginary friend.

I don't have any real ones,

so I've got to talk to somebody.

You don't need any friends.

We've got each other,

and that's all you'll ever need.

Corn!

♪ ♪

I gotta make some friends.

You already have one friend.

Your mom, not me.

Corn!

[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

What the hell is going on?

Churro needs the stroller.

She's really old and gets tired.

You know what that's like.

She doesn't need a stroller.

She should be roaming the neighborhood

in a ragtag group of misfits,
like a real Latino dog.

She is not a misfit.

She's our family.

She's a dog and not a human.

I don't care how many of Chance's
old dresses you put her in.

Wait. What?

Churro, you giant rat!

Stop eating my huevos con weenie!

Those are Churro's.

They're organic,
free-range chicken weenies,

recommended by one Gwyneth Paltrow.

So Churro gets to eat
free-range hot dogs

while I get the ones
that were stuffed in cages

eating their own caca?

You do know that a hot dog
is not an animal, right?

Then why do they name them?

Frank,

Oscar,

Weenie the Pooh.

That's enough of that.

Churro forgotten she's a
dog, and dogs belong outside.

Out! [SPEAKING SPANISH]

Why does Grandpa hate Churro so much?

Your grandpa loves Churro.

I think he just needs a
little help remembering that.

But Churro hates being outside.

She gets bullied by that squirrel.

Grandpa knows that,
because he gets bullied

by that same squirrel.

Is it on me? Get it off!

Is it on me? Ah!

Get it off! Get it off!

After further review,

it was just my hair.

Is that your high school yearbook?

Yeah.

Glassell Park High.

So fresh, so clean, so 2015.

[CHUCKLES]

I love that thing that your
best friend wrote in the back.

"Have a kick-a*s summer.

Never change for nobody.

Love, Mom."

I had less of a kick-a*s summer

and more of a knocked-up summer.

But before that, my best
friend was Annie Dominguez.

Annie?

Oh, no.

She was trouble.

I never saw her do anything wrong.

We only stopped being
friends because you said

that I couldn't hang
out with her anymore.

She was a bad influence...

drinking, drugs, Presbyterian.

Well, hey, she's got her life together.

I messaged her on Instagram,
and she's coming over.

If all goes well, maybe she
could be my maid of honor.

Well, if you're going to pick someone

you haven't seen in 10 years,

why didn't you make your
father the maid of honor?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[GASPS] Annie!

Hey, girl!

It's been so long.

- Yeah.
- [GASPS]

Do you remember our cheer?

- Girl, please.
- [GASPS]

BOTH: So fresh, so clean, so 2015.

Glassell Park High.

Go, Geese!

Honk, honk, honk, honk,
honk, honk, honk, honk!

- Oh, my God.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

Hi, Rosie.

Wow.

You have not aged a day.

Oh, it's Ms. Flores.

and that's offensive.

I look younger.

And look at you, Mayan.

Girl, your skin is glowy and perfect.

You're hot, b*tch.

Annie's an esthetician.

So if she says that I'm a hot b*tch,

it's a medical diagnosis.

It's true.

Popping Mayan's pimples in study hall

was the whole reason
that I got into skincare.

I could have married rich,
but I had a higher calling.

I haven't thought about
study hall in forever.

Oh.

- Do you remember that one time...
- Oh, of course she remembers.

Well, this has been
such a great catch-up.

We should do it again in 10 years.

Imagine how young I'll look then.

No, no, no... no,
Mom, she just got here.

Yeah, I'm sorry I'm a little late.

I had to stop at the drugstore,
and I had some bad traffic.

Oh, I don't know about
you, but all I heard

was drugs and trafficking.

[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hey, have you seen Churro?

Yeah.

Lots of times.

I mean today.

I went in the backyard to feed
her inhumanely raised kibble,

and she wasn't there.

So that's up for grabs then or what?

Hey, man.

This is serious.

The gate was open.

I think she's missing.

My family loves that
filthy little loofah.

I'm going to go double-check
the yard, and, uh,

you should find a photo
of Churro so we can

make some lost dog posters.

I don't know if I have
any pictures of Churro.

Why do you have so many
pictures of lasagna?

Mind your business.

You don't even have
one picture of Churro.

She's a dog, not a pasta.

I guess I'll have to draw one.

Poor Churro.

Probably wandering the
streets, hungry, thirsty.

Are you sure hiding
Churro at Nana's place

is going to teach Grandpa a lesson?

Yes. Absence makes
the heart grow fonder.

So when Grandpa left for 10 years,

did it make you guys love him more?

It really only applies to dogs.

[CHEERING]

This place is fun!

More bars should have
mechanical donkeys.

I hold the record for
riding it the longest,

if you know what I mean.

I think you know what I mean.

But just in case I don't,
can you explain it to me?

Girl, you are so crazy.

I'm glad you said we should hang out.

I know.

It's like we picked up
right where we left off

from high school, just two best friends

that would be there for each other

in the most important
moments of their lives.

Ooh.

That's a lot.

And I love it.

Oh, yay!

Mm.

Hey there.

Sherman.

Two more shots of tequila, please.

Make that three.

Mom?

Annie, get your g*n.

What a coincidence
meeting you girls here.

It's no coincidence.

You followed us here.

One day I will find the chip
that you put under my scalp.

You don't have a chip in your scalp.

It's in your tooth.

And I'm only here because I heard

this is a great place to sell insurance.

Look, my first client.

♪ ♪

[UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Ooh.

You ladies want to line-dance?

I didn't wear these shorty
shorts for these cheeks

not to be clapping, OK?

As much as I would love to
clap butt cheeks with you,

I just need to talk
to my mom real quick.

Aw. It is so sweet how
close you two still are.

So sweet, it's almost unbearable.

I know why you're here.

And it's not to sell insurance.

It's because you don't want me to have

a friend that isn't you.

No.

That's silly.

Now let's go play darts

at another bar.

But I need a friend my own age, Mom.

And now, if you'll excuse me,

these cheeks were made for clapping.

[UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

It was her.

Whoa!

Good news. I found Churro.

Oh, thank God.

What the hell is that?

It's Churro.

That's not Churro.

Why didn't you check the flyer?

This is an exact rendering of Churro.

Chance is going to hate me.

I can't even blame it on being drunk.

You don't realize how
important your drinking is

until you don't have it.

Why did you put Churro
outside in the first place?

Because she should be
able to fend for herself.

She doesn't need cute clothes
or special food, a stroller.

She should be able to
stand on her own two feet.

Dogs have four feet.

- What?
- You said two feet.

This isn't about Churro, is it?

What are you talking about?

I think you're angry
because you never had

any of those things as a kid.

Why does she need all that?

I never had a stroller.

They brought me home from the
hospital in a paint bucket.

Oh, man, I got put outside all the time.

My family didn't want me around.

Are you OK, man?

Yeah, I guess.

Seeing them spoil Churro
made me realize that

I wasn't treated like a family member.

I was treated like a dog.

But that's not Churro's fault, is it?

I'm treating Churro
the way I was treated.

Hurt people hurt dogs.

Come on, man, we gotta go find Churro.

Chance, Grandpa just left.

Come down here.

I think it's time we go
get Churro back from Nana's,

let Grandpa off the hook.

Should we tell him
everything and come clean?

No.

We need to trick Grandpa into
thinking that he found Churro.

Right after we figure
out whose dog that is.

Hey, bud.

Did you text that guy
from the line dance?

Look, I even sent him this photo.

Ooh!

Quinten hasn't even
seen those parts of me.

I'm here.

[LAUGHS] With beer.

I think you've had enough, Mom.

You're right.

We should go home.

Come on, Mayan.

No.

Stop trying to keep me all to yourself.

Just give me some space.

You're my mom, not my friend.

Wow.

You're mean when I'm drunk.

I am so sorry for my mom.

She's obviously jealous
of me having any friends.

I'm starting to think
that's why she told me

that you were a bad influence
to me in high school.

I was the bad influence?

My mom told me that I had
to stop being your friend

because you were the bad influence.

[CHUCKLES]

- Me?
- Yeah.

Well, after you got pregnant,
my mom told your mom,

keep your sucia daughter away from mine.

Your mom said that about me?

Yeah. But your mom was not having it.

I mean, words were exchanged.

Earrings were removed.

Both are banned from the
Glassell Park Starbucks.

I guess my mom was just protecting

my feelings this whole time.

I wish my mom was that cool.

She's kind of a b*tch.

And not a hot one.

She's a cold b*tch.

Yee-haw!

What is she doing?

She's going to go flying.

It's not even on.

Turn this burro up!

Whoo!

Here comes Grandpa.

Churro, shh.

I bet you're wondering
why I look like this.

No.

You look like that every morning.

I've been under every
house in the neighborhood.

And there's no easy way to
tell you guys this, but...

George, before you get into that,

will you get me a soup pot?

Why can't you get it yourself?

- I don't even know where it is.
- It's in the cabinet.

- Right over there.
- I... I'll get it in a second.

What I really have to tell you...

Look in the cabinet!

Fine.

Here.

So what I'm trying to
tell you guys is that...

Not now! Churro is missing.

That's what I've been
trying to tell you.

[LID CLATTERING]

[CLANKING]

Gracias a Dios!

Oh, thank God.

Churro, I'll never
put you outside again.

You're family, and
I'm going to treat you

the way that I wanted to be treated.

Do unto Churro as you would
have done unto yourself.

[SMOOCHING]

Oh, Quinten, take a picture.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Rise and shine, partner.

Ay.

What did I do last night?

Oh.

I remember climbing onto this, uh,

big, leathery, hairy...

oh, my God, was I with
your father last night?

No, it was a different a*s.

Oh.

I'm so sorry for getting
out of control last night.

No, I'm sorry for yelling at you.

Annie told me about how her
mom called me a pregnant sucia.

[SIGHS]

That's why I was trying to
get in between you girls.

Are you OK?

Yeah.

It just brought me back to that time

where I felt so much shame.

I don't ever want other
people's ideas of you

to affect how you feel about yourself.

Except for yours.

Obviously.

Yeah.

This whole time, I thought you were just

jealous of me for having a friend.

Jealous?

I want you to have friends.

You're the one that's obsessed with me.

Oh.

Maybe we are closer than normal.

But between the divorce
and you getting pregnant,

my mama bear instinct
was to protect you.

I can't just turn that off.

Do you maybe have a lower setting?

Stop criticizing me.

You don't want to lose your only friend.

[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[SINGING IN SPANISH]

♪ ♪

What is going on?

It's just a man who loves his dog.

What are you guys watching?

An action movie.

Oh, no, that's too violent for Churro.

We're watching "Paw Patrol" instead.

Look.

They look like you.

Yes! Yes!

What?

She wouldn't latch.

♪ ♪