02x07 - A Nice Little Wine

[bunniefuu]

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ Love you like you want me to... ♪

Sorry I'm late, Arthur,
terrible traffic on the A2.

What you need is a drink.
Something with bubbles in it.

Did you bring the plonk?

Gevrey-Chambertin is scarcely plonk.

Napoleon's favourite tipple.

Maybe he had a bottle too many
the night before Waterloo, eh?

I had a '69 the other -
That is the vintage Moet?



Ah, yes, sir. It's the last bottle.

We'll have to see about getting them
some more.

I think I could manage
a nice vintage Bollinger.

Bollinger! Even better.

- There you are, sir. Nice and cold.
- Thank you.

Cheers. Here's to a successful
business association.

Absolutely. Cheers.

I think you will like the '71.
It's a shade smoother

and a touch fruitier then
the '69 you had.

Absolutely splendid.

- W-w-w... Where is it?
- It's in the car.

You brought the money
with you?

Yes... Yes.

Saves on the old bookkeeping
and VAT, you know?



Keeps the price down, too.

900.

- Cash.
- Oh, fine.

Well, perhaps your man could start
getting it into the cellar.

No, my cellar is rather full
at the moment.

But I have a business associate
who has a little place in town

which he hardly ever uses.
I have the keys to that place.

I haven't had a lunch
like that in years!

I wish you'd told me
you'd got divorced.

We could have celebrated sooner.

You expect me to call up
all my old boyfriends

and say, 'Yoo-hoo, I'm divorced'?

You could have got a card printed.
'The ex Mrs Joan Griggs - at home.'

Or away...

Is this it?

Yeah,
it's still quite unspoilt.

Somebody's whipping
all your furniture.

- Who is it?
- Sssh!

It won't be here long.
I'll be sorting out my cellar.

- Oh, gawd. It's Arthur.
- Who's Arthur, the local bailiff?

Fine wine should be kept
at a constant 50 degrees.

Oh yes, of course.
That's the lot.

Um...
does your associate live here?

Oh, good heavens, no, no, no.
He has a place in the country.

Suffolk. Georgian.

No, no. He just uses this as a...
pied a terre.

Hello!

- Ah, Terence!
- Yeah?

I thought you were up in Suffolk.

With Samantha and...
the kids?

Ah, no.
Well, yeah...

No... I came down for a, well,
a couple of days, you know?

Shop early for Christmas.

Yeah. Terence McCann,
my associate.

Clive Stannard.

This is the shipment of claret
I was telling you about.

You said a couple of crates.
There's enough here for a bleeding army.

Well, I really must be
on my way.

- There is just a little matter of...
- Ha ha! Paying for it.

- Ah, yes. There we are.
- Thank you very much.

- No, no, no. It's all there.
- Yes.

No, no, no. No need
to break up a case.

I brought you a bonus bottle.

Perhaps your associate
would like to try it.

Yeah, ta.

1971, Geoffrey Chambertin.
Lovely.

Very smooth, dry...

Best if you chambre it for
half an hour at room temperature.

What else

Are you going straight back
to Dover?

No, no. I thought I'd have a night
on the town.

I thought I'd try that new hotel,
the Berkshire.

Oh, very good, very good.
My friend is the manager.

I'll have a word,
make sure he takes care of you.

Thanks very much.

Well, let me know when you want
that Bollinger.

Samantha.
Got a dodgy chest.

It's so damp this time of year
in Sussex.

- Suffolk.
- Suffolk.

Yes... well,
I'll let myself out.

- Bye-bye.
- Goodbye to you.

You said a couple of crates!

Terry, for God's sake,
there's a draught like Siberia!

- In London on business?
- That's right, yes.

- Just staying the one night?
- That's all, yes.

- Your keys.
- That's for you.

Oh, thanks very much.
Have a good evening.

Thank you.

What's that?

Yes, I'd like an outside line,
please.

- Mm...'71 was a wonderful year.
- Not for me it wasn't.

- I was in the Scrubs.
- It's still a touch fruity, though.

Yeah, that's probably all the
pineapple chunks they put in it.

You enjoy being Philistine,
don't you?

- Never even met her.
- Oh dear...

Who's this geezer Stannard,
then?

Wine dealer from Dover.

- You mean they fell off the back of a boat?
- Nothing of the sort.

Does he sit on a beach and wait
for 'em to be washed up?

However he gets them, it's a gift,
ain't it, at six quid.

We can knock 'em out
at 10 and upwards.

- We?
- I thought you'd give me a hand.

Use your contacts in the clubs.

Nah, I'm sorry, mate.
It's not my style.

I couldn't do it
with any conviction.

Sorry.

- Hello.
- Ah! Ah, yes.

Come in.

I'm Bettina.

It's a good upmarket line.

There's plenty more
where that came from.

All they've got to do is
trample the grapes fast enough.

- Where are you going?
- Get a beer.

All that plonk gives you
a terrible thirst.

- Cheers.
- Cheers, love.

We're um... a bit dressed up,
aren't we, for relaxing?

Why don't you go
and slip into a dressing gown?

OK.

I just thought I'd make myself um...
more comfy.

I see.

Well...

- Bottoms up.
- Cheers.

- Would you like another?
- Mm, just a small one, then.

- I can tell your neck's stiff.
- What?

By the way you hold your head.

By the way, it's 50 quid.

- W-what?
- For the massage.

Yes, of course.

How's that luxury caff of yours
going?

No, no, no. I've got a new line.
The wine trade.

No, still clarets. That's what I was
phoning about, really.

I've got a wonderful opening offer.

A 1971 Geoffrey Chambertin.

Sun and rainfall
were perfect that year.

It was the year
Boycott made a duck at Lord's.

Geoffrey Chambertin.

As in Boycott.

Prince of your Bordeaux.

What?
No, no, I haven't got a cold.

Bordeaux.

No, George,
it's not sparkling.

No - no, George,
claret comes from France.

Look, to you - knockdown price.
Six quid a bottle.

I can't do it cheaper than that.

Six.

One?

No, no, no, no, no.
One bottle is six quid.

That me...
Hello, George?

George?
George.

Why don't you roll over,
Clive?

I'll show you
my Japanese technic.

Ooh.
Japanese. Eh.

I bet, they didn't do this
at Pearl Harbor.

- What?
- Never mind.

Oh, geez,
this is very relaxing.

That's good.

Ooh, you've got a nasty lump here,
Clive.

I think you've been working too hard.

Been using your right arm
too much, aren't you?

Is that nice and relaxing too?

Did you hear the Chancellor
on the telly the other night?

- No.
- Talking to the unions.

You want a hedge against inflation?
Sod pay rises - take it in good claret.

Ah, ha!

Aye, aye.

I thought you'd gone back to Dover.

No, not yet.

I've got a little
unfinished business.

Good night last night?

Oh, quite a night.

- Fetch some coffee over, Dave.
- Sure.

You don't look as if you spent the
night in your hotel room watching TV.

No, I didn't watch telly.

You um...
You called the manager, did you?

Yeah, well...

The manager was out when I called but
I spoke to the assistant manager.

Yes, but you asked him
to take care of me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why, was the service not all right?

It was very good.

They sent this tart up to my room,
name of Bettina,

to give me a massage.

Oh, that is service. I didn't know
the Berkshire were into that.

A little leaflet
was pushed under my door.

I telephoned a number
for 'personal massage'.

Oh, naughty naughty...

And you know the rest,
don't you?

- What the hell are you talking about?
- Oh, come on!

She slipped something in my drink,
took my money and my credit card

and she even knew to look in
my briefcase for the 900 quid.

- She took all of it?
- What do you expect?

She'd leave a refund
for the massage?

Come on, Arthur,
who do you think you're fooling?

And you are implying
that I am the mastermind

behind this grand plan
to rip you off.

You knew where I was staying,

you telephoned
the assistant manager.

You must be barmy.
If you think I...

How did she know
to look in my briefcase?

Oh, come on,
you said there was a leaflet.

It's pure bloody chance
you called that number.

How was I to know
you're into personal massage?

I told you I was going to have
a night on the town.

On the town, year,
not on some bird in your hotel room.

If you wanna have your sacroiliac
manipulated, that's your business.

Funny though, isn't it?
How you got the wine

and now the payment's disappeared.

Look, I do not run a fleet
of phoney masseuses

trained to pummel people
who I've just given money to.

- No?
- No.

But I do not like to see
a business associate ripped off.

So you give me
this phone number and address.

I have contacts.
I'll have this looked into.

Ah, there's the really clever twist.
She took the leaflet with her!

- How the hell do you expect me...
- I do expect you to, Arthur.

Leave it out.
What do you think I am?

You know Billy Gresham,
don't you?

Yeah.

- Not well.
- I know him well.

Old friend. We served, we still
do each other a favour now and then.

He's got some big lads, Arthur,
employed for collection purposes.

- Now wait.
- I'll wait! For three days.

Phone me
when you've got the money.

I hate to interrupt your comeback
as world champion,

but if you've got any grey matter
left unscrambled...

Look, I've told you what I think
aren't I?

Bloke can't pull a bird for free,
he's gotta pay for it, ain't he?

- Especially if he's kinky.
- Not with 900 nicker of my money!

So you've gotta try
and find this rip-off artiste!

Oh yeah?
And how I gonna do that, eh?

There's gotta be 50 ponces

working the massage racket
in West One alone...

Please.
Please.

It's quieter.
I can think.

Nothing to think about, son.
Your mate deserved it.

He's a berk!

Yeah, a berk who knows
Billy Boy Gresham.

Gresham?

I've got three days before
Billy's collectors get after me.

You didn't tell me
he was involved.

- I wanted to save you from anxiety.
- Thanks!

I knew you had an old score
to settle.

Settled it,
his way.

- That don't sound like you, Terry.
- Don't it? I'm breathing, ain't I?

- Can't ask for more.
- Like that, was it?

Anyway, sounds to me like you got
trouble, sunshine.

Ain't even got the bird's number.

Yeah, but there can only be one outfit
working that territory.

- Hey, I've had an idea.
- I don't wanna hear it!

All this training you're doing,
you could use a good massage.

Look, it's not gonna work, is it?

If I phone up and ask for Bettina,
they'll smell a rat, won't they?

If a geezer gets taken
to the cleaners by a bird,

he's hardly gonna ask
for the same again, is he?

That is the whole point,
my son.

Whichever bird they send will have
been briefed to play the same trick.

Why don't you get hold
of your old mucker the manager?

It's his hotel, isn't it?
Let him sort it out.

Two reasons.

I don't know him from Adam.

And B, even if I did,
he wouldn't have heard about it.

Blokes who use tarts are too shy
to talk about it.

Even if they get their trousers
whipped.

Oh, gawd!
Don't you signal, darlin'!

You make me laugh, you do.

Just cos you're trying out a new car
and nobody else is allowed on the road!

Look, Terry, who's ever staked you out
for a treat like this?

I'm footing the bill,
remember?

Legitimate expenses
of the wine trade.

- 50 quid for me?
- What for?

Wear and tear.

Will you be paying by cash
or by card, Mr McCann?

Oh, cash.

George, Room 403
for Mr McCann, please.

- No, it's all right. I'll take that.
- Ta.

Anything you need,
Mr McCann, just ring.

I will. Cheers.

- You ah... up in town on business, sir?
- Yeah, that's right.

- In the wine trade, are you?
- How do you know?

There's a lot of 'em
staying here tonight.

You're a bit late for the tasting.
It started half an hour ago.

- Did it?
- Yeah. In the Gloucester Room.

I don't know. All right for some,
innit, eh? All that free wine.

When you're ready, I'll take you
down there, if you like,

show you were it is.

Yeah.
Yeah, cheers.

- Splendid bouquet.
- Very appealing.

- Some Santenay '73.
- Yeah, thanks.

Rather dry...

Cheers.

What do you think?

Firm. Fruity.
But still subtle.

- The Cortona was more sinewy.
- Quite. More elegant somehow.

Still it's a good meaty burgundy.

Just the thing
before your Sunday snooze.

- Giscours '75. Classic year.
- Absolutely.

Just look at that colour.

- A fine nose on it.
- Splendid.

It's a bit fruity for a '75.

- Yeah, but subtly fruity.
- Yes...

- Nicely full-bodied, though.
- Almost sinewy.

Right.

Better than that '71 down there.

No question.

Here, biscuit?

I never touch those.
Pure bloody cardboard.

I always carry my own.
Granary.

Ta.

It's much better for the palate.

- Who are you with?
- I'm on my own.

I meant to...
which company?

Arthur Daley's.

- Now that's got balance and body.
- Meaty.

Arthur Daley's,
where are they?

Er... Dover and Brighton...

Mostly south coast outlets,
you know?

Yes, I don't know the south.
I'm from Scotland.

Really?

You should try the white burgundies.

They're excellent.

"The Four Seasons", Spring

Full-bodied and fruity, eh?

Hello?

Terry, you done it already?

Oh, don't tell me
you're getting cold feet.

Massage is very good
for the circulation.

No. No, Terry,
that won't work.

If you phone and ask for the address,
they'll think you're the law.

Now, look, dial the bloody number,
tell 'em you want a takeaway massage,

catch her red-handed
and lean on her.

No...
Terry, that won't work.

Terry, if I'd known
you were a virgin...

All right, I'll be waiting.

I got a nice little Gewurztraminer
to keep me company.

No, Terry, it is a wine.

Yeah... I'll be thinking of you.

Hello.
I'm Sandra,

from the Burlington Service.

Oh, yeah. That's right, yeah.
Well, come in.

Thank you.

I'm Terry.
Terry McCann.

- Nice room you've got.
- Yeah, it's all right, isn't it?

Mind you, it should be,
what they charge.

- D'you want a drink?
- You brought some of your own, then?

No, when I'm off duty
I drink whisky.

- Is that all right?
- Yeah.

Just a small one.
Thank you.

- Anything with it?
- No.

There you go.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

I left the shower running.
Hold on.

- Er... They said it was 50 quid.
- Yeah.

There you go.

Does your company pay
for this, as well?

Yeah.
Miscellaneous expenses.

- D'you want another drink?
- Not for me, thanks.

Well.

As your company's paying for it,
why don't we...

Yeah.

- Funny.
- What's funny?

You don't look the sort.

I mean, the type
who has to pay for it.

Thanks.

You don't want
anything special, do you?

No.
Just a regular massage.

You really want
the massage first?

Yeah, I get stiff around my
shoulders and my neck.

- Don't mind if I relax, do you?
- No.

Do what you like.

- After all, you're paying for it.
- Yeah, right.

Oh, come on, Lesley.

Where you gonna get a Chambertin '71
for less than six quid?

Well, unless somebody sticks a label
on a ketchup bottle.

Look, I am knocking it out to the
caterer at the House of Lords

for nine quid,
and that is wholesale.

Yeah, but with your clientele -

Well, if you took three crates,

I could let you have it for,
oh, let's say... Hello? Hello?

You got a crossed line there,
someone? Hang up and try again.

I...
No, no, no...

Hang up
and dial again.

Dial again!

Hello, let's...
No, no...

No, I am not
the Star of India!

I have not got six stuffed chapatis
and a chicken vindaloo to take out.

Hello, lets... Oh, buggar,
get off my line, will you?

Leslie. Leslie?
Hang on, hang on.

Um... how'd you feel about a nice
little wine with your takeaway?

Where exactly are you?

- You OK, love?
- Sleepy...

Are you sure you didn't
drink more than you sold?

Here, are you sure
you're all right?

Terry?

- Follow that cab!
- Oh no, not again!

- How much do you want?
- Two and a half quid.

Yeah, all right. Here.

- There you go. Three.
- OK.

- Yes?
- I've come to see Sandra.

- Who is it, Mum?
- Someone for you.

Be down in a sec.

Well, come in.
She won't be long.

- I'm Sandra's mum.
- Pleased to meet you.

Are you a friend of Sandra's?

Yeah, yeah,
I'm Terry.

She never mentioned you.

Very secretive, my daughter,
about her friends.

Hello... Terry.

- This is my mum.
- We've done the introductions.

- Yeah.
- I know Terry from work.

Come on, you,
bed!

- Gran said I could watch till the end.
- I say you can't.

Now, come on, off to bed.
Take him up, will you, Mum?

- He can get up there by himself!
- Oh, Gran...

- Come on.
- Go on, off with you!

Work with Sandra, do you?
Yeah, yeah...

I've never met anyone from Sandra's
work before. What do you do?

- Well, I... um...
- Terry's one of the partners.

Oh, that's nice.

I keep telling Sandra, she should get on
the day shift like everyone else.

Yes, Mum, Terry is not in charge
of that side of things.

- What do you want?
- I need to talk to you.

There's been a bit of trouble
down at the um...

- The salon?
- Yeah, the salon.

There's been a bit
of trouble...

Well, why don't we go down the pub
and talk about it?

Yeah, good idea. Come on, then.

Why don't you stay here?
There's beer in the fridge.

- No, no, it's allright...
- I'll make myself scarce, in the kitchen.

- No, there's no need.
- Have you had any supper, Terry?

I've got something in the oven
for Sandra too...

- Mum, it's OK.
- I've eaten, honestly.

What we've got to talk about
will only take a few minutes.

I could do with a drink anyway.
Come on, Terry.

- Yeah, ta, Mrs...
- Baker.

Bye, Terry.
See you again I hope.

Yeah, you never know.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

You sure you're not going
to pour this one away?

Positive.
Cheers.

Now, you say they never told you
to rip off clients.

Never. I wouldn't have done it
even if they had.

I mean, fair's fair,

it would have been
kind of...

Immoral?

Yeah,
kind of immoral.

Anyway, I don't want to do anything
that'll get the cops on me.

Got my family to think of.

Oh yeah,
of course you have.

I've got another kid, too.
She's five.

I've had to support them
and Mum since my husband left.

- When was that?
- He walked out four years ago.

So you reckon this Bettina bird
is thieving freelance, eh?

Oh, that b*tch...

You make more than enough at this game,
without having to steal.

- Have you met her?
- Haven't met anybody.

They just phone through
the appointments.

What does your mum think
about all these phone calls?

She thinks I worked in private
hairdressing and manicure.

I used to be a hairdresser.

I can earn four times as much
this way and no tax.

- What's their cut?
- 25%.

I send it weekly
to a box number.

What, they trust you to send
the right amount?

They make appointments, they know
what I charge, they know my address.

The friend
who got me involved

said they get very nasty
if you don't play it straight.

- God, if they know about this Bettina...
- They'd slice her up.

Look, I don't wanna cause
any trouble.

I must get back.

I'm sorry about your friend.

A lot of money to lose.

It's silly of him
to carry it around, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.
Very silly.

- Well, thanks all the same.
- Thanks for the drink.

Hang on a minute.

My phone number.

Call me sometime.

Yeah, all right. Yeah.
Cheers.

I mean,
not on business or anything.

We could go to a film...
or something.

Yeah.

Yeah, fine. Ta-ta.

You've really wrung my heart,
old son.

I spend 100 quid on your night out

and all you do is bring me back
a bloody social problem!

Well, I've got her phone number if
you wanna take her to the pictures.

You'd like her old mum an' all.

Very funny.
Didn't you get a single lead?

Nah.
I need new shock absorbers.

It's me what needs new shock absorbers
after what you've told me.

If I'd spent 50 quid on a bird,
I'd at least have myself a massage.

I didn't fancy it.

All we've got is a lousy phone number
and a crummy box number.

- How we gonna trace 'em like that?
- Look, I'm not a bleeding detective!

I'm not that mad about being
in the wine trade either.

I'm that mad about being accidentally
run over by Stannard's heavies.

No!
Probably a wind-up.

Give us a call if it isn't,
allright?

Oh yeah. I'll crawl to the nearest
phone box on my two broken legs.

- I'll tell you what...
- I know, you need a new plug.

And not only in your old banger
either.

That leaflet. They can't put it
under everybody's door, can they?

I mean, it might be a respectable
couple or family or something.

So?

I think I've got a lead.

- Hello, George.
- I'll see you later.

Remember me?

Not staying in the hotel,
are you?

No, no. I did last night.
You showed me to my room.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah. Remember that?

You shoved it under my door.

Right,
leave it out.

Let's have a quiet little chat,
then, eh?

Not here.

- What are you? The law, then?
- No.

I'm what comes before the law.

They come afterwards
if you don't cooperate.

So tell me about this racket.

Hey, whats-a this, George?
You bringing your friends for dinner!

Think I can afford to eat here
on my wages?

I don't know
anything about it.

Yes, you do.

You show a lonely gent
up to his room, right?

You ask him a few questions,

see if he's got a little time to k*ll,
a few bob to spare.

You slip one of those
under his door, don't you?

Cupid's little messenger.
That's what you are, innit, George?

OK, so I deliver 'em.

- I don't run the sodding racket.
- I know that.

You're not bright enough, are you?
But who does?

No.
No, I can't tell you that.

You can.
Now.

You coming in with me?

No, no, no. I'll stay in the car.
I think that'd be best.

Don't wanna be seen
going in there?

People'll think you're one
of the dirty mac brigade!

No, no, no.
It's not that at all.

I can't leave the car.
It's on a yellow line.

Besides, you might wanna make a fast getaway.
Could be rough in there.

Yeah, that's why I wanna talk
about my share now.

Your share?

You keep on telling me
we're in the wine trade together.

How much?

Five massages-worth.

250 quid?

If I get the 900 back.

And you already owe me 50.

- Lousy wine's costing me a fortune.
- Yes or no?

Bloody Chambertin.

You the manager?

No, no. Out the back, mate.

- Can I interrupt you?
- What do you want?

- Ooh!
- Ugh!

Ooh... Ugh... Ooh!

You're parked
on a double yellow line.

- Ooh...
- You all right?

Oh, hello, officer.

Yeah, yeah.
I'll be all right in a minute.

Oh... Oh,
sudden migraine

I... thought I ought to pull in
for a second.

Migraine?
Do you get these attacks often?

No, no, no, no.
Very rarely.

But... It might be neuralgia.

Well, even if you've got cholera,

you can't park
on a double yellow line.

What do you want me to do,
drive around banging into people?

- I've got double vision.
- You ought to get to a doctor.

How?
I can't drive like this.

If it's that bad,
I'll call you an ambulance.

And tow my car away? No thank you.
No, no. Give me a minute, will you?

- Trip, did you?
- Yeah. Tripped. Yeah.

- You hurt yourself?
- Nah.

No, I'm all right.

You didn't get yourself chucked out
of there, did you?

You sure? I wouldn't be seen dead
in a place like that.

And how are you feeling now?

Much, much better, thanks.
The double vision's going.

Right.
Well, you'd better move off,

before you see two policemen
moving in on you.

Right. Thanks.

- All done.
- All done?

You don't know
what I've been through.

Yeah, I noticed they
took a bit of persuading.

They're very ethical.

Like lawyers or priests, always
trying to protect their clients.

- Huh. I've fixed Bettina.
- Fixed her?

They weren't very happy

that she had half-inched 900 quid
without divvying it up.

- So they're gonna let us deal with it.
- How?

Well, in two hours' time, she's going
to Room 434 for a spot of massage.

- I can't afford another room for you...
- No! There's no need for that.

We'll pick her up
before she gets there.

How will we recognise her?

- I've sorted that one out, too.
- Oo-ooh...

A little exercise really sharpens up
your mind, don't it?

Oh, here.
A souvenir for you.

What is it?

Just a little something
to sharpen up your love life.

W-h-a-y...

- Oh, gawd...
- Come on, up the back stairs.

You're joking.
It's the fourth floor.

We're gonna...

All right, steady.

- Been quicker to walk, wouldn't it?
- I'm not walking up any back stairs.

- Hello. I'm Bettina.
- Oh? I'm Sojo. Mr Sojo.

Yes?

They didn't tell me you had a name.
Just said Terry.

- No, not Terry.
- Oh, gawd...

She'll come back
when she knows it's a mistake.

Kazuo. Kazuo Sojo.

Yeah, well, ah...

Anyway, you wanted a massage?

A massage?

Oh, yes, a massage.

Very nice. Just like at home.

Come in, please. Very good of hotel
to know we like a massage.

- You didn't think of that, did you?
- Can't think of everything.

We could be here all night, Terry.
He's Japanese.

So?

You have no idea
what they get up to.

I'm going to sit down.

Well, one of Bettina's drinks
and zonk, whatever he is.

Perhaps Japs aren't allowed to drink.

- No, that's Muslims.
- Is it?

- How do you know?
- A load of them live in my street.

Never see 'em in the boozer.

Perhaps they're only allowed
to do it in private.

What are we talking
about Muslims for?

You started it,
saying maybe Japs don't drink.

- If only I'd known.
- What?

That when I bought
all that bloody plonk,

I'd end up sitting here,
waiting for a Nip to have a nap.

You ought to think yourself lucky.

Why?

You ever see
Bridge on the River Kwai?

What a little word with you, Bettina.

- Who are you?
- Never you mind, dear.

- You house detectives?
- Yeah, that's right.

Oh, gawd.

You're not house detectives!
You're not cops either!

- No, dear, this is a citizen's arrest.
- Yeah, well, what d'you want?

Two nights ago,
you visited professionally

a friend of mine,
Clive Stannard.

Hold on, Arthur. Come here.
Let's have a look. Don't be a silly girl.

Don't want you to fall out the car,
do we?

Oh yeah... Been collecting again.
Ooh, ooh, oops.

You carry on like this,

you're gonna wipe out the tourist
trade single-handed.

You also collected
from my friend...

and he's only from Kent...
900 quid of my money.

We want it back,
or else.

I have very good connections
at Savile Row Police Station.

- I'll just whip in and get the money.
- No, no, that's OK. I'll go in.

What's the matter,
don't you trust me?

Yeah, of course.
But you went in last time.

The porn shop, remember?

Like living dangerous, do you?

Listen, if you need me,
do your owl call.

Just give me the money and we'll say
nothing about the other business, OK?

- I can't. I've spent most of it.
- Oh, dear, dear, in two days?

You'll have to make it up
out of petty cash, won't you?

- Where d'you keep that, in there?
- Look, love. Why don't you sit down?

Have a drink.
Your friend will wait, won't he?

Wrong.
Waiting makes him go berserk.

- Now, come on. Where is it, love?
- In there.

Hello. I didn't know
you were entertaining at home.

Entertaining?
You must be joking.

- Who's she?
- My flatmate.

- Who are you, more like it?
- Ahh!

Arthur.
And I'm just leaving.

Arthur's collecting some money
for a friend.

- Ooh...
- Get out of here, quick.

- He's got a mate outside.
- Inside, you mean.

What... Oh...

- Self defence at evening classes, was it?
- Get off!

Come on, let's get out of here.

- We won't stay for tea!
- You b*stards!

- Yes?
- I've got something for you.

That belongs to you,
I believe.

Are you from the hotel?

- No, not exactly, no.
- Where from, then?

A friend of Japanese tourism.

Listen, son, leave the geishas
alone here, eh?

They're not the same as back home.

That is absolute nonsense.
I bought it from a shipper.

That's not what my colleague
said in Dover.

It's why the Divisional Inspector

wants me to bring you in
for a little chat.

- No, I mean...
- Arthur!

Oh, hello, Mr Chisholm.

- Hello, Clive.
- Hello, Arthur.

I didn't know you knew my old friend
Detective Sergeant Chisholm.

Oh, we've known each other a while.
Haven't we, Mr Stannard?

Might have guessed
you knew each other, Arthur.

No, it is a recent acquaintance.

How's your other friend...
Billy Gresham?

Big Billy Gresham.

He's just gone inside.
No bail granted.

Protective custody.

Dear oh dear.
Oh, Clive, I just brought...

No, Arthur, please.

First there's a matter I have
to clear up with Mr Chisholm.

You been doing business
with Mr Stannard, Arthur?

No! No, no, no. I just asked him
to find me someone's address.

Will you do this another time,
Arthur?

I was hoping to have a business
discussion with Mr Stannard.

Well, right now
the Divisional Inspector

wants a business discussion
with Mr Stannard.

So you'll just have to cancel
yours.

- Unless you wanna come, too.
- No, no, no. No, no, no, no.

Two's company.

Well, perhaps you'd like to come
along now, Mr Stannard.

- Goodbye, Arthur.
- Goodbye, Mr Chisholm.

Bye, Clive. We'll um... We'll just
forget about that address, eh?

What's all that, then?
Your wino friend being run in?

Oh, you make a big saving when
the law's on your side, Dave.

- A large one.
- Coming up.

'Hello.'

Um, can I speak to Sandra, please?

'I'm afraid she's not here.
She's out at work.'

'Do you wanna leave a message?'

No.
No, no thanks.

Bye.

Lovely day, Terence, my son.

Why? Your great-aunt died
or something?

No, no. 95 and still going strong.
All her money under the mattress.

You were right about Stannard.

I think that wine might have
fallen off the back of a boat.

Cheerful Charlie Chisholm
just took him in for questioning.

- Before you could pay him the money?
- Um... what? Um... More... Come on.

Go on. We'll broach a bottle.
Celebrate.

There you are.

- I'll tell you what.
- What?

I'll broach the bottle,
you pay the bill.

- Bill?
- Yeah. 250 quid...

..for services rendered.

- Did we say 250?
- Yes, Arthur.

Five massages-worth.

You remember.

Gawd blimey,
you can't complain about that.

250 quid for all that plonk.

What's the matter, got paralysis
of the wrist or something?

Not much of a nose on it.

Nah, '71 should have
a much fruitier bouquet.

Oh, come on, drink the bloody stuff.
Don't inhale it.

Urgh...

It's Moroccan vinegar!

Yeah, you would know,
wouldn't you?

- It's not that bad.
- Not bad?

You could wipe out
half of Soho with that!

No, I'll tell you what.
It's a duff bottle.

That does happen sometimes, you know?
Good wine don't always travel.

Talking about travelling,
you owe me another 50.

- 50 what?
- Notes.

- What for? I just gave you 250...
- No, no, no!

Ex's.
Wear and tear.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.

Be charging me VAT next,
won't you?

There we are.

Mm... That is definitely better.

Are you kidding?

Well, we drop the price a bit,

- four quid a bottle?
- 30p for cooking.

- No, that is drinkable.
- If you're a meths drinker.

Oh, Terry,
that is a good little table wine.

If you wanna strip the polish
off the table, yeah!

Hey...
I know a French polisher.

DENNIS WATERMAN:
"I Could Be So Good For You"

subtitles by Deluxe

♪ If you want to
I'll change the situation

♪ Right people right time

♪ Just the wrong location

♪ I've got a good idea

♪ Just you keep me near,
I'll be so good for you

♪ I could be so good for you,
I'm gonna help you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ I'll do anything for you ooh-ooh

♪ I'll be so good for you

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ I'll do it like you want me to

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ There ain't nothing
I can't go through ooh-ooh

♪ I'll be so good for you ♪