02x08 - All Mod Cons

[bunniefuu]

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ Love ya like you want me to

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh

Oh gawd!
No, no, the thing is, Terry...

What's that thing flashing
across the top?

You're supposed to hit it.
Fire! Fire!

- Look. Move right with that one...
- Yeah, I know that! It's gone now.

Why did you put this in, Harry?
Whatever happened to darts?




You show me a dartboard that
devours money like that thing,

I'd be happy to hang it
on the wall.

- You're no good at darts, either.
- That is not the point!

Look, this is not firing
every time I press it!

What I was saying is I need the key
to your flat for a couple of hours.

- What for?
- Refurbishing.

- Re-what?
- Argh!

It's programmed. You can't beat that!
I mean, where's the skill in that?

I've got a 10p here.
Fancy a game of doubles?

- With him? You're joking!
- Come on!

Better game is doubles.

Well...

Tell you what, add a bit of interest
what I do down my boozer.

A little bit on the side.
Say a fiver?




- Fiver?
- Yeah, it's usual.

Why not, Terry 'ey?
I was just getting the hang of it.

Well...

- Yeah, alright yeah.
- Put our money up, son.

Your mate want to bet first?

Yeah, yeah,
we'll set them a target to get.

- Yeah.
- Hold that.

Very tasty.

That's it. Go on, go on!
Go for the 100!

- Pretty good for a novice innit?
- Not bad at all!

- There you are.
- Oh ta.

Now, about the key...

- Hello, mate.
- Alright.

No.
We had an agreement about that.

What?

Last time you had the key
to my flat

you were stumbling in
every time you got half cut.

Once, I did that once. Be fair.

- You certainly chose your moment!
- Yeah. Nice girl as I recall.

- Yeah.
- Nice shoulders,

I do like a girl
with nice shoulders.

- Anyway, it was an emergency.
- Emergency?

You kept us up picking the team
for the next World Cup

and that was just the midfield!

Look, I only need it for
a couple of hours.

Yeah,
but what for?

- I want to see if it needs painting.
- Painting?

Look, I have two grand invested
in that flat in key money, Terry.

I have a right to protect
my investment, have I not?

Have I not?

Yeah, I suppose so.

What time is it?

Two o'clock.

I want that back
in the Winchester at four.

I want to get some kip,
got a late one tonight.

- You going out west?
- Yeah, I'm picking Helen up from Elsa's.

Elsa, is that the one
that works at Safeway?

Elsa's is a night club,
you prune!

Hey, that Helen. She got a friend?
About time we out on the town again.

Well, the truth is,
she disapproves of you.

- She thinks you're a bad influence.
- Oh, I hope you put her right.

- Just don't forget that key.
- That is what is known as loyalty!

Don't suppose you'd know
anything about that!

Keep the change, driver.

Wing man, how's the wing?

Never mind about that,
come on!

- Thank you, sir.
- Lovely to see you again, Mr Bellars.

Can I help you, sir?

Yeah, I'm looking for Helen.
She's working here behind the bar.

Yes, of course.
Helen.

I think, you'll find it more convenient
if you use the rear entrance.

Right and right again.

A member of staff will
tell her you're here, sir.

Cheers.

Is Bernie there?

Kindly remind him he's supposed to
be on the door with me.

Excuse me, I'm looking for Helen.

You can get through
to the bar on that.

Ta.

♪ Don't leave me to cry

♪ Don't leave me outside...

- I want the wine menu!
- That's no good!

♪ You know that

♪ Oh how did it happen to me?

Excuse me.

♪ Oh how did it turn out like this?

Terry? I can't get away
just at the moment.

Brandy, gorgeous.
A large one.

Staff aren't supposed to
drink at the bar, Bernie.

Medicinal purposes.

Hang on, Terry.
I'll be with you in a minute.

Anyway,
Mr Young's looking for you.

- Your usual.
- Ah, lovely!

Terry,
there's been a slight hitch.

Sandra's got a cold so she's
not going away for the weekend.

- You're kidding.
- We can go to your place.

We can't.
Arthur's got the bleeding key.

We were supposed to meet,
he never showed.

What does he want
with it?

He's going to get
the place redecorated.

There you go, Jacko,
20 by 17.

Fitted carpet,
gas central heating.

Yeah,
but four grand, Arthur?

I mean, key money we expect,
but four grand?

It's not just key money, Jacko,
it's fixtures and fittings.

I mean, gas cooker, fridge.

Carpet. Bed!
I'll chuck in the bed.

Here,
does your niece work in town?

Cos the Tube's round the corner,
it's a real doddle.

I don't know.
It's a lot of money.

It's not just key money, is it?

This is your upwardly mobile area,
geezers from the telly!

I'll tell you what, Arthur.
I'll sleep on it tonight.

You come round the yard tomorrow
and we'll have another little chat.

No hurry, Jacko, you take your time.
I'll be round at nine.

Oh and...
by the way, Arthur,

if you do happen to bump into Doris,
don't mention my niece will you?

Doris is a bit iffy about
that family at the moment.

Not a dickie, Jacko!

What's this,
you horrid little man?

It's Caesar salad, sir.

Well, I happen to know
something about food

and I happen to know Caesar salad
has walnuts in it!

Yes, but...

Why don't you and I go to the kitchen
and I'll give you a demonstration?

A hands-on demonstration!

Don't talk back to me, come on!
Off we go!

- No, please!
- There's a good chap!

Down we go into the kitchen.

Is Bernie there, Mr Young?
There's some trouble in the kitchen.

Now then everybody...

we're going to have a lesson
in how to make a Caesar salad.

With nuts!
We must have nuts!

Where's your nuts,
little man 'ey?

Understand?
Comprende?

Don't speak Ingles,
you little grease ball!

And lots of drink!

Right,
tomatoes, the lot.

- Cucumber.
- You, fetch me raisons!

Come on, gentlemen, you're keeping
the staff from their work!

Work?
They can't even make a salad!

Why don't we go to the bar
and have a drink?

- Take your hands off me!
- Come on!

Come on, Dobbin,
come on!

Grab them, man.

I don't get pushed around
by yobs like you!

Alright, hold on!

You won the match.
Now give it a rest 'ey?

Don't you people ever listen?

That's what you get from
drinking on an empty head!

If you wish to inspect the kitchens,
Mr Bellars, you have only to ask.

No royals in tonight
I hope.

I shall have to let Bernie go.
Elsa's is a very quiet little club.

The temptation here
is to get a little flabby.

In Bernie's case
the situation was accelerated

by the liberal use of my brandy.

You on the other hand
are not at all flabby, Mr McCann.

- Are you employed at the moment?
- No, he isn't, Mr Filmer.

Erm... I've got a lot on
as it happens yet.

Simon here has been managing Elsa's
for me for five years.

If he advises me to hire someone,
I accept his advice without question.

He seems to think you would make
an ideal replacement for Bernie.

I think that's fantastic!

£120 a week,
free meals from our menu of course,

and a share of
the staff gratuities fund.

Should you show promise there's
no reason you should be a doorman.

Erm... Look, I appreciate the offer,
Mr Filmer,

but I've got a partner,
Arthur Daley, you know.

Well, it's not just a job.
We're old friends.

- He's seen me right a few times.
- Oh for goodness' sake!

- Come!
- Excuse me there's a gentleman here...

There you are!

I've been all over bloody Mayfair
looking for Helen's.

Arthur,
this is Helen.

Hello, my dear.
But I sussed it in the end.

Yeah er... This is Mr Filmer.
He owns the club.

Arthur Daley,
Nice place you got here.

Now when I know where it is,
I'll pop in again sometime.

I'm afraid,
the membership is closed.

Really? What a shame. You'd think
people would be queuing up to join.

May I have a word with my boy.
Terry.

Hold that, will you?
Cheers.

Now listen...
Where were you?

I spent all the afternoon in the Winchester.
I'm knackered!

Something cropped up.
We have an important meet tomorrow.

- I will pick you up at the flat.
- Not unless you give me the key!

Alright, alright, you could be
on a nice little earner.

Half past seven sharp.

- Half seven?
- On the dot.

Now get a good kip in.
Must go, got things to do.

120 sobs?
For those unsociable hours?

- Plus tips.
- Oh. Oh, I see.

I see. The punter bungs the doorman
a fiver

ever time he bangs him
on the cobbles.

No, no, no. All the tips
are pooled, aren't they.

And you get a lie-in
in the mornings.

It's the beginning of the end,
Terry.

Tax, national health insurance,
graduated pension scheme...

having to bow and scrape
to all them hooray Henrys.

- All I'm saying is...
- Yeah, but...

At least with me
you've got your freedom.

Oh, there's Vickery.

With his little granddaughter.
Bit of a punk rocker.

Nice girl though.

- Arthur.
- Charlie.

Kate.

And you must be Terry.

He speaks very highly of you,
does Arthur.

Does he?

- My granddaughter Kate.
- Hello.

- You're looking well, Charlie.
- A spot of fresh air, Arthur.

Not much of that down there.

I've taken to coming up here
of a morning.

I reckon it's the only way
I can bear to look at that town now.

From a distance.

Who would have thought it
a few years ago 'ey, Arthur?

The noise and the filth.
The scum of the earth.

Don't upset yourself,
Grandpa.

You were going to tell Terry
about your problem, Charlie.

I was?

The house, Grandpa.

The house?

Oh yes, the house
erm...

Well. You see my little girl here,
Terry, my little Kate.

A man couldn't ask
for a better granddaughter.

Well, she's getting married
quite soon, is Kate.

Getting married
to a school teacher.

If I had the money,
I'd buy them a nice semi.

Only as it is, all I've got
is this old house in town.

A bit run-down,
been empty for a year.

What Grandpa wants to do

is convert it into flats
then sell them off.

Saving one for you
and husband to be.

I keep telling him
how expensive it will be

fitting five bathrooms
and five kitchens.

- So what's the problem?
- Squatters, Terry.

Squatters
on my property.

Now, I'm an old man.

And me and little Kate,

we don't know much
about that jungle down there.

Don't want to either.

So, I turned to my old friend Arthur

who knows about these things,

in the hope that he might
help us out.

- For a consideration.
- Of course.

And Arthur tells us you'd like
first refusal on the flat, Terry.

- Do what?
- Yeah, well...

we won't go into that now.

We've got to get rid of
these squatters.

- What's wrong with evicting them?
- Go through the courts? Oh.

It might takes months and anyway
I've got to be frank,

I need the money sooner than that!

I think it's time
we get you indoors again, granddad.

Yes. I reckon that's my bit
of fresh air for the day.

- Come on, Charlie.
- Thank you.

There you are.

Keep in touch, Arthur.

It's good to know that
you've got matters in hand.

- It's very kind of you, Mr Daley.
- Not at all, Kate.

Ta da.

Poor old devil.

- Is it me or is he a bit doolally?
- Vickery is alright.

I've known him for years.

At school together, were you?

Yeah, what's all this about me
getting a new flat?

Yeah, well... I thought it was time
we got you a bigger place.

No, I don't want to move.

Of course you want to move!

You're always going on
about how cramped it is!

- No, I'm not!
- Yes, you are!

You're forever
banging on about it!

No. I'm alright there.
I'm all settled down.

We'll talk about it later.
You'll soon see the sense of it.

I don't know what you were thinking
taking a job like this!

I mean, squatters, evictions.
It's dodgy stuff these days.

There's 75 in your hand now
and 75 later.

Seventy-five 'ey?

How do I shift a house
full of squatters?

Ask them to step out
while read the meters?

The thing is, Kate and Charlie
are on the innocent side.

I mean, there was a geezer on the booze.
I just bunged him a pony, off like a shot.

An Irishman who works for the council
is visiting his sister in Manchester.

That leaves two kids, hippie types.

I mean, the thing is Kate and Charlie
panicked unnecessarily.

Shame.
I wonder why?

Now look, there's no basement door,
just a bit of corrugated iron.

Look, if they're in there,
offer them 50.

- Out of my 75?
- If that don't work,

I'll think of something else.

Got it all sewn up,
haven't you?

Don't worry, I'll be right behind you
out here with the engine running.

Great!

- Leave him alone, you b*stard!
- Take it easy!

Keep calm or I'm going to
break your arm!

Easy!

I'm going to let you go now.

- You're going to behave youself, right?
- Yeah!

Are you alright, Pit?

What the hell
are you doing here?

I'm here because the owners
of this desirable residence

have decided they don't want
squatters in it!

What do you mean squatters?

Look, you find the old house,
neglected, falling apart

so you break in,
change all the locks...

- We live here!
- Yeah, we pay rent!

- You pay rent?
- Yeah!

- Who to?
- Oh, this weird bit.

Dead expensive gear.
She comes around once a week.

With this guy
in a big Rolls Royce.

They park in another street...
but I seen them one day.

Got a rent book, anything like that?
No.

Nothing like that.

That yours?

Yeah.

Come on, on your feet.

Now listen...

I've got 50 in cash here.
It's yours if you move out.

Fifty?

No,
I can't take it.

You know what it's like trying
to find a place around here?

We got one room
clean and tidy for the baby

and that's worth hanging onto.

You going to chuck us
on the street then?

I don't know.
I really don't know.

Come on!
Don't take all day about it!

- Morning, Jack.
- Oh. Hello, Arthur.

Care to pop in the office?

I've been thinking it over
and I've decided to take the flat.

A very wise decision, Jacko.

There's just one thing, Arthur.
I can't pay the four grand.

Three and a half
is all I can manage.

For 3,750 you can have
the sofa and the armchair.

Done.

One minute.

Right, one thousand,
two thousand,

three thousand,
seven hundred and fifty.

I wasn't expecting you
to cough up right away, Jack!

It's alright, Arthur.
I can't bank it.

Doris gets nervous if there's
too much cash around here.

You wasn't wanting
to move right away?

Oh no, no, no, no.
I erm...

My niece Shirley
has got things to sort out.

- Flat's still available though?
- Oh yes, yes, of course.

Right, got to get on.

Got a load of heavy-duty urinals
arriving this morning.

That reminds me, I'd like
your advice about something.

Your friends couldn't do
much better than this.

Last year's colours, you see.

Desert Dust...

Trouble is,
none of them matched up.

As it's not for personal use
it doesn't matter

if you get my drift.

Oh, I do, Jacko.
I do. I do.

You see, thing is,
these friends of mine,

they don't know much about
the conversion business.

and I'd hate
to see them exploited.

Well, of course you would, Arthur.
Of course you would.

How much you want
for that little lot?

Worth a grand this little lot,
five hundred to you.

- Four.
- Done.

If you pay me in cash.

Yeah, yeah of course.
Erm... You...

- got my little purchase ready?
- Oh yeah.

Kevin, can you put
Mr Daley's bidet in his car?

Midnight Purple.

It's not for me, you understand.
It's for the wife.

And Kevin, come here.

Mr Daley has just bought up
all our odds and sods,

- so don't move them.
- He has?

Yeah.

Rent?
They say they're paying rent?

The bare-faced liars...

They seem straight enough to me,
Mr Vickery

- They were very convincing.
- Convincing?!

Of course they were convincing,
living off the backs of others.

They've got to be convincing!

That's how the ponchin swine
get away with it!

Grandpa is rather disappointed

that this issue
hasn't been resolved, Mr Daley.

As you can see his health
is poor as it is.

With the worry about the house,
I'm rather concerned.

There is absolutely
no cause for concern, Kate.

Terry and I wanted
to clear up a few points.

I appreciate that, Arthur.

About the conversions,
I've solved one of your problems.

What's that?

A complete set of matching
basins, baths and toilets

latest colours,
quarter of the market price.

Oh! You're a gem, Arthur!
A real gem!

An old man like me doesn't deserve
good friends like you.

That's very kind of you, Mr Daley.

When the time comes I'm sure
we'll be happy to talk about it.

Right then...

Well, we'll er...

Come on, Terry!
Cheers, Charlie.

Grandpa...

I'm not sure Arthur Daley can
really help us as much as we think.

Oh, Arthur will look after us.
Don't you worry.

I'm sure,
I could get some people

who could deal with the squatters
much more efficiently.

Don't you worry your
pretty head about it, little Kate.

Of course not, Grandpa.

Give us a hand.

Help us put this in your car.

- What do I want it for?
- No, it's for her indoors.

It's her birthday tomorrow.
I want it to be a surprise.

- Do you know what it is?
- Of course I know! It's a bidet.

Do you know what it's for?

What's it matter what it's for?
It's a present!

I'll get you a lager.

Cheers.

Vodka Slimline, Harry,
and a lager for young Terry.

He's just sticking
a bidet in his boot.

See you later.

Terry, I've been thinking,
I got you the flat.

There is no reason I shouldn't
up the ante and get you a mortgage.

Regularise our relationship,
pay you a regular wage.

Hold on! You said that was
the beginning of the end.

No, no, no,
that depends on the circumstances.

Ah, fellow called McQueen
phoned for you, Arthur.

- Something about a flat...
- Oh fine. Yes. Thanks, Harry.

Talking about flats,

that couple in Vickery's house
I think they're on the level.

Don't say you fell for that!

Next thing you'll be a member
of the Flat Earth Club!

Listen. I think they're straight.
They've got a little kid in here.

Do you think I want to cause
unnecessary hardship?

Look, I will think of something.
Don't you worry.

- What time's Terry coming in tonight?
- Eight on the dot.

He'd like a bite to eat
before the fun starts I suppose?

- Oh yes, he would.
- Excuse me, I am here!

- I've been meaning to mention this.
- What?

Terry's been coming here
two nights a week for a year.

That is a great chunk of time
out of my boy's life.

Ah! You'll be talking
about money I suppose.

Well...
You off?

He sees me!
I exist!

Thank you, Arthur.
Thank you very much!

- What's he on about?
- I don't know!

Oh, perhaps he's going
to see his old gran.

That always puts him
in a dodgy frame of mind.

You can take that away.

You look cheerful.

So would you if you had to
spend the evening at Bricklayers.

- Dreadful place.
- Dreadful?

I tell you, young lady,
it's a magnet for

music lovers and connoisseurs
of fine wine.

Well, you don't sound very happy.

I'm terrific

Is it Arthur?

Oh come on.
Stop slagging off Arthur, 'ey?

- It's not Arthur. I like Arthur!
- Careful, don't go over the top!

It's you I'm worried about.

Look, Terry.
I like you a lot.

I mean, I'm not going out with you
just for laughs you know?

I think you're a really smashing guy.

You're kind, generous.
You've got a good brain.

Oh, do leave off.

What are you going to be doing
in 10, 15 years' time, same thing?

Only you'll be older,
slower.

Some young bloke will come along
and cr*pple you for life.

What am I supposed to
think about the future?

Listen, if I'm supposed to be
so bleeding marvellous

how is it everybody spends
all their time, telling me

what I should or shouldn't
be doing?

"Change your job. Change your flat."
Can I have some say in it or what?

Filmer hasn't got
a replacement for Bernie.

Hasn't he?
Hard luck

I... I wa... I wasn't planning on
taking the gear so soon, Jacko.

It figures, we're a bit
desperate for space you see?

Mind you, they have to take it
wherever you want.

Free delivery.
I can't say fairer than that.

- I appreciate that but...
- One moment, Arthur.

Erm...
Concerning the flat,

my niece Shirley would like
to take a butchers.

- If we could pop around this evening?
- This evening?

Well, just to get
the feel of the place.

It's a bit previous, Jack,
innit?

If you want to reconsider, Arthur,
I'll happily take the key money.

No, no, no, no. That's alright.
I couldn't pay you back today.

I've already bunged
you 400 this morning.

Er no, you can have a look but you'll
have to make it between 8 and 11.

Fair enough, Arthur.

All ready, guvnor, where to?

Erm...
You'd better follow me.

I'll think of somewhere on the way.

♪ Though I know
much too much...

I'm sorry.

Nothing to be sorry about.
You just got me wrong, that's all.

I'm as thick as two short planks.
I'm generous when it suits.

As for ambition, well,

a three-figure break at snooker
would make me happy.

- Now you're being ridiculous.
- Am I?

I wonder.

I didn't mean to go on at you.

I know.
I know. I know.

♪ Oh why did it happen to me...

Erm...
When will I see you again?

Don't know.
I'll give you a ring.

OK. Bye.

Twit! I've got a good mind to
report you to your employer!

- Evening, Arthur. Usual?
- A large one.

- Everything alright?
- A bit hectic, Dave.

- You got any room in your yard?
- Yeah, a bit.

Could I dump something for the night?
Nice drink in it for you.

- What's wrong with your locker?
- Geezer won't drive far.

So you want to use mine 'ey.

I suppose so, as long as
there's nothing dodgy.

- Cheers, Dave.
- Hey, Arthur. Mind my motor!

Hey!

Good fight, eh?
Wham, bam!

Stuff that!

Here we are then er...

Erm...
My niece, Shirley.

- Hello, my dear.
- Hello.

- Wotcha, Shel.
- Hello, Dave.

- You know each other?
- Of course we do!

I didn't know the pair of you was...
related.

That calls for a drink,
Dave.

- Oh here.
- Oh, no rush!

Oh, buy us one of them
Tequila Sunrises Jackie-poos.

I'll have one too...

- 'Ey?
- Jack.

Alright.

Yeah, that sounds like her,
shortish, red stripy hair.

- Looks like a punk rocker.
- What about the motor?

Er... Roller.

A dark one,
brown maybe.

Yeah, that's it.

I don't get it.

Well, it means the lady who's been
trying to chuck you out for squatting

is the same lady
you're paying rent to!

We've all been wound up
good and proper.

Yeah, but now that you know...

Oh yeah, now I know
everything in the garden's lovely

Listen. I'm sorry, but if she
wants you out, she'll get you out.

Doesn't matter what I know.

What are we gonna do, man,
with the baby and all?

Go to the rent people or the council
or something, I don't know.

Listen, you got a phone?

No.

I've got to go to work.

You just sit tight,
right

and try not to let her
frighten you off.

I'll see you.

Oh, Jack! It's so cosy!

It's er... It's very compact.

Oh, it's a bit bare though
but I'll soon see to that.

She'll er... She'll make a real
palace of this place.

- She will?
- Hmm.

She's got taste that girl.

Oh, I can see it in my mind
exactly how it should be.

- It's a talent I got!
- Mm-hmm.

I erm...

I thought we'd christen the place
if you don't mind, Arthur.

We'll let ourselves out.

Oh, you are a clever man!

Hang about!

Yeah, Arthur, I've got to look after
my little niece, ain't I?

- The thing is...
- Arthur... just two hours.

She's going to get the hump if
I bunged her out now, ain't she?

Alright, you can stay
but you must be out by 11.

Oh, this wallpaper will have to go.

I mean, it's just not
colourful enough.

Don't worry, I'll soon get
a bit of life in the place!

Terrific, Shirley.
Terrific.

Eleven!

Of course!

Arthur!

Twenty past?
What's happened to Arthur?

Something serious I hope.

Nice quiet night,
you've got to admit that.

Oh yeah. Only two rucks
and no one was sick over me.

The explanation for that
is quite simple, Terry.

I'm getting a different sort of
punter in here, classier you know!

I reckon it's all the hard work
I've put in here that's paying off at last.

It must be.

Yeah, you'll be serving soup
in a basket soon.

Not a bad idea.

Oh God!
I think I'll sh**t off.

Tell Arthur
I'll settle with him tomorrow.

You could settle with me
you know?!

Oh, best not.
You know Arthur.

Yeah.

Just a little joke.

Temperate man though.

Bound to be in that
line of work I suppose.

Jacko!
Jacko!

For crying out loud
it's half eleven!

Jacko!

I'm coming in!
It's Arthur.

Do you hear?
Oh, my God!

What you doing
lurking about here?

Little problem, Terry.

I've got a bone
to pick with you.

About Vickery and his darling
little granddaughter!

You can't go in, Terry.

What?

I'm ever so tired.
I've got to go to bed.

You see, that's the problem.

This fellow is interested
in the flat for his niece.

He wanted to have a look,
see if it suited, you know.

- That's no problem, we'll get him out now!
- No, we can't.

- Yes, we can!
- It's not as easy as that, Terry.

- You see, there's a little matter of...
- What?

Well, you know er...

- You haven't taken key money?
- No, no, no. Don't panic!

You have, didn't you!
You've taken key money off him!

You've given the geezer my flat
without even telling me!

- Yeah, but I haven't actually.
- Taking liberties with my house!

NO, no. We'll have a nice
l'tl flat where Vickery is.

Oh, we will?
Nice flat where Vickery is?

That's where you're wrong,
Sunshine!

Those people are legal tenants.
They're not squatters.

Kate has done you up
like a kipper, son.

She just wants them out so she can have
the place clear for a quick sale.

There won't be any flat,
just "Thank you and good night!"

Look, Terry,
Terry...

What about all those basins,
those nice baths, the bidets? Ha!

Look, why don't we go to my place
and have a nice drink?

Look just for once,
shut it, will you?

I tell you what,
here you are.

You can have that one.
Sod it all.

You can have them coming in
and out in shifts, can't you?

- Where are you going?
- To get a job!

Yes, Terry. The offer is still open

if Simon is in agreement
of course.

It would suit me very well.

When do I start then?

Come in midday tomorrow.
We'll sort out the details.

- Well?
- Start tomorrow.

Terry, that's great!

- No, there's a slight problem though.
- What?

I've got to stay at your place
tonight, ain't I?

Oh, that's terrible!

Especially as Sandra's away
visiting her mum.

Oh! Worse and worse.

- Hey, do you mind?
- Excuse me.

I've got the cash, Jack.

I'll refund you your key money
less 400 quid.

Cos I don't want them
baths and basins after all.

Alright, I'll refund you
the whole whack

but I've got to hang onto the flat.

Arthur, Shirley is very
pleased with the flat.

She thinks it's ideal
and so do I.

- Don't let's have more discussion.
- Yeah but...

In fact, she's moving some of her
belongings in today.

What?!

As for them baths and toilets,
I don't want them back.

I mean, why do you think I flogged
them to you in the first place?

Right, Arthur.
I've got things to do.

That looks good.
How does it feel?

I'm just not used to wearing ties.

Trying to remove
the bouncer's bowtie

is considered the height of wit
by some of our younger members.

They'll get a smack then,
won't they?

No, they won't, Terry
because you'll laugh with them.

You'll chuckle and thank them
for brightening up your day.

And remember this,
Terry.

If anyone cuts up rough here
you use the minimum of violence.

You behave as though removing them is
the biggest honour you've ever had.

Yeah, alright.

Good.

I think we both deserve
a drop of the boss's straight malt.

Don't he mind you
nicking his whisky?

Let's say,
I don't allow him to mind.

- For you?
- No thanks, no.

I'll stick to buying my own.

As you wish, Terry.

Arthur, I've been trying to
contact you all over bleeding town!

- Why, what's the problem?
- I can't move my motor that's all!

- We had to take a cab last night!
- Oh, that...

Let me make a couple of calls.
I'll sort that out in a jiffy.

Give us a large vodka and Slimline.

I've got a thirst
you could photograph.

Hello, Shirley.

Arthur Daley.

Very well, my dear.
How are you?

I just phoned up to see
how you're getting on.

Oh, that's lovely. Purple ceiling?
That sounds very nice.

Yes.
I'll see you again soon.

Bye-bye, dear.

Here you are. It's about time
you settle your slate.

Go on then. Have one yourself.
Go on, a big one.

- Ta.
- And give us a Panatela.

- There you go.
- Take the paper off!

Jack McQueen, please.

Hello, Jack.
Arthur.

No, no I just phoned up to let
you know how everything is going.

Everything's fine. I popped round to
see how Shirley was getting on.

Oh terrific.
Yeah.

She's having a drink
with her other uncle.

Showing him the place you know.

Would that be your brother,
Jack?

Or is it your wife's family
on the other side?

No it bloody isn't!

Oh-Jack?

'Jack?'

- Funny fella.
- Arthur, come on now,

what about my motor?

Cab it if you're stuck.
On me.

Look, Charlie,
this is very important.

I've got all them baths and basins
and toilets for your fully conversions.

Toilets? Conversions?

The latest styles,
quarter market prices.

No, we don't need none of them.

Yoy take a look if you don't believe me.
This is a modern house.

Flush toilets, running water.

No, no, no.
The old house, Charlie.

The one with the squatters.

The old house, oh.
I lived in that man and boy.

Look, Charlie...

Charlie?

Charlie, where is Kate now?
Do you know?

Kate?
She'll be at the old house.

Are you sure?

Yeah.
Getting it nice for me.

Close the door when you go out
will you, Arthur?

A bit parky today.

Listen With Mother is finished.

Let's have some silence, could we?

I was thinking about the house.
It must be worth...

Don't start thinking, Alan.
It's not your speed.

Who the bleeding hell is that?

Could I have a word?

I know there's been
a hitch or two, Kate.

You blew it, Daley! You made
a right pig's ear of it but it's alright.

It kept Grandpa happy thinking his
mate was getting him out of a fix.

I'm picking the team now,
Daley

because I like people who do
what they are paid to do!

We give the house a once-over.
It's easy.

Of course, I see your point,
Kate.

Do much more talking and I'll start
thinking about asking for my money back!

Want me ask him?

Erm... I...
I'm parking right there.

...

Thing is, I laid out a lot of cash
for those basins and baths.

I've had a nice offer
for the house.

Empty, of course. And I want
to close the deal tomorrow.

And I'm not interested
in any basins.

- Best quality gear.
- Stop the car, Alan!

I want this joker out!

I'm not making a penny out of this
myself, Kate.

It's been really average
meeting you, Mr Daley.

No, Ka-

Kate?

Kate.

Well, we'll let the matter... drop.

Just this once.

Are you sure
Terry hasn't been in

- or phoned?
- Ssh!

- There you go, Arthur.
- What's this?

My cab fares to date.

43 quid?!

Well, it's a long drive
out to Basildon.

You live round the corner!

We moved a couple of months ago.

If you'd listen to people, Arthur,
you wouldn't get into these scrapes.

Mm. Helen,
what time's your break?

Sorry, I thought you were Helen.

She's what?

This is a very
serious matter, Helen.

What's going on?
McCann, do you mind?

He says
I was fiddling the till!

Were you?
Of course not!

I am sorry,
but I caught you in the act.

What's happening?

He said to me
if someone was drunk

that I should leave out the gin
and just give them the tonic

and we'd pocket the difference.
Well, I wouldn't do it!

So the next thing
I know he has me in here.

I have to take the word
of my manager.

Listen, wait outside by the car.
It's out the back.

You're out of your mind.
She's as straight as they come.

You ought to have a go
at that ponce there.

Simon,
go back on the door, please.

Now then, McCann,
the facts of life.

Simon's worked for me
for five years.

He's an excellent manager.

He's very popular with the customers
and I trust him.

Oh yes, I know he cheats
but I know exactly how much

and I know exactly
how far he'll go.

Doctoring the drinks
might have been a little too far.

I shall have a word with him
and he'll stop it.

You see, it's the devil you know.
If you see what I mean?

So Helen gets the sack
for doing sod all?

Not the way I'd put it.

I've known some villains in my time,

geezers who'd break your arm
for the price of a pint

but you lot...

You turn me over more than
all of them put together!

Very nice to see you both again.
Have a very nice evening.

Listen, you slimy little git!

If I ever find you in my manor,

I'll show you what a spanking means
down the rough end of the market!

Got it?!

- What are you doing here?
- I thought you might like to know

that Kate's hired a couple of gorillas
to turn that couple over.

- When?
- I reckon any time now.

Listen, love, take my car.
I'll catch up with you later.

Cheer up.

No, no, no, no!

Want to get there
before the weekend, don't we?

Watch it!
I've just had it serviced.

I was taking it easy!

Get the baby!

Up there!

Pearce, I'm frightened!

Stay there!

You're well out of order,
gents!

You should have stayed in bed.

It's Terry.
I'm going to help him.

How are things with you,
Pearce?

Pretty quiet.

- You alright, mate?
- Oh! No!

I don't understand, I thought
this was a present for her indoors.

She said she don't like
that sort of thing.

I had another 12 quid
cab fare last night!

Present for you
for all your trouble.

Ow! What you think I am,
a m*dget?

Keep your ice in it!

- Come to collect the gear, Arthur.
- Good!

By the way,

you did me a right favour
with that little Shirley.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah, two-timing little...

- Of course she denied it all.
- No!

So, I won't be needing the flat.
Is that a good news?

- Have you got my money?
- Yeah. Yeah.

I kept 400 for the baths
and basins and bits.

- You what?
- Four hundred.

I can only give you two for them.

- Hey?
- Last year's colours.

- Didn't even match.
- Might as well keep a hold of them.

- You reckon?
- Oh no! No way, Arthur.

He'll take it.

Come on, lads!
I'll show you where they are.

It's all getting away from me,
Terry.

Still, look on the bright side,
you've only lost 200.

That's worth a drink all round.

Yeah, I was just going
to say the same myself.

DENNIS WATERMAN:
"I Could Be So Good For You"

subtitles by Deluxe

♪ If you want to
I'll change the situation

♪ Right people right time

♪ Just the wrong location

♪ I've got a good idea

♪ Just you keep me near,
I'll be so good for you

♪ I could be so good for you,
I'm gonna help you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ I'll do anything for you ooh-ooh

♪ I'll be so good for you

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ I'll do it like you want me to

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ There ain't nothing
I can't go through ooh-ooh

♪ I'll be so good for you ♪