02x09 - Diamonds Are a Girl's Worst Enemy

[bunniefuu]

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ Love you like you want me to ♪

Hey, Dave.
You'll like this one.

Listen.

Bloke goes into a pub
with a chimpanzee...

Were the chimp over 18?

I don't know.
It don't matter.

It may not matter to you, Arthur.

But I could lose my license
serving chimps under 18.

I'm sorry, Arthur. Go on.

Well, the fella says -
the one with the chimp -

he says to the barman,
'A pint of the best,

and half for my friend, here.'
The...

Yeah, yeah. I know.
The monkey, yeah. Go on.

So the barman takes one look.
I mean, he has to lean

right over the counter,
cos chimps are not all that big.

I mean, this one's about...

Is the size all that important,
Arthur?

I am trying to set the scene
for you, Dave.

Anyway, barman says,
'Where did you find it?' The chimp.

And the fella says, 'I found it
wandering round the garden

and I don't know
what to do with it.'

So the...
the barman says,

'Why don't you take it to the zoo?'

And the bloke says...

'I took it to the zoo this morning.

This afternoon, I am taking it
to the pictures.'

Nice one, Arthur.

Could have said
you'd heard it.

Well, I hadn't.
I just guessed.

Get us a lager, Dave.

What...
Look at that dog!

This is a club, gentlemen,
not a pet shop.

I thought you were supposed to be exercising
that beast, not dragging it in the boozers.

I'm the one being exercised, Arthur.

Tell you what, Fido here
could drink this place dry

and still be panting for a top-up.

This is the worst number
you've ever dreamed up!

You can't be choosy these days,
Terry. There's a recession on.

Oh, yeah, I can see that,
can't I?

What you see here is
the result of hard work.

Sweat on my brow.

My brow, you mean.

God!

Are you paying cash,
Arthur?

Wonders'll never cease.

What're you doing? Just looking
at the queen, blinking in the light.

That's the trouble with television.

Everyone thinks
they're Jasper Carrott.

Over here, Terry.

As a matter of fact, I do want
to discuss some business with you.

- No dogs?
- No, no dogs.

Come here.

I want to do some business,
not talk about it.

These past few weeks have hardly been
a relentless grind, have they?

Ah, the tide has turned, my lad.

The wind has changed.

The downturn has bottomed out,
as they say in the FT.

A lot of words, Arthur.

How would you fancy yourself behind
the wheel of a Mercedes 450 SEL?

- Who's had a puncture?
- No, no, no. Not mending it.

- Driving it.
- Oh, yeah?

Straight up.
It's a Mr Lily.

He wants someone to drive him round
for a couple of weeks,

keep an eye on his motor,
make sure nobody nicks his hubcaps.

His secretary phoned.
His regular driver's on holiday.

I must say, I thought you'd be
a bit more impressed than that, Terence.

It's not often you get
a cushy number like that.

- No, I'm waiting for the catch.
- There's no catch!

That'd be the day.

All right, all right,
I'll get someone else.

No, no, no.
Hold on. Hold on.

I mean, think of it, Terry.

Two weeks, living like the quality.

Air conditioning,
electric windows.

In-car entertainment.

Retractable aerial.

Well, who could resist
a retractable aerial?

Good boy.

Now, erm...
I hate to seem vulgar

but, er,
is there any money involved?

Is there any money involved?

250 per week.

Cash.

All yours. Net.

No deductions, no VAT, no tax.

- No kidding?
- Kosher. That's the address.

Somewhere in Purley.

Well, don't want to keep them
hanging around, do we?

Jumbo here wants a quickie.

- Here you go.
- What?!

Then you can take him home
afterwards, can't you?

Terry!

He likes a pint,
draught.

- Yes?
- I understand you need a...

Rose!
Rose Mellors.

Good lord!

- Terry...
- McCann.

Are you gonna say it
or shall I?

- Say what?
- It's a small world.

- No, you say it.
- Well, come on in, Terry.

There's been a lot of soap passed
under the old wedding ring

since we last met,
eh?

Dunno,
I'm not married.

Figure of speech, love.

Well, I'll sit down,
cheers.

So...
how's Charlie?

Still eating his cauliflower cheese
every Tuesday?

Charlie's got a new lawyer.

He reckons with a bit of luck,
he should be out in five more years.

Five years, eh?
Well.

Listen, did he ever find out about...
well, you know?

Terry!
I'm not one to kiss and tell.

No, no.
I mean the buried money.

Oh! Oh, yeah,
I told him about that.

He was very understanding.

Charlie Mellors?
Understanding?

Gotta be kidding.
The Dillinger of Dagenham,

he's about as understanding
as a piranha with belly ache!

Terry...

I have a confession to make.

There's a church down the road.

There isn't anyone called Mr Lily.

Go on.
You'll be telling me next

there's no such thing as
the Tooth Fairy!

- It was me who rang.
- You little tinker!

I thought, well...

we got on very well last time,
didn't we?

I always like to have people
I get on with working for me.

Well, yeah, we did get on
pretty well, didn't we?

Mr Lily.

- Get it?
- Get what?

Well, I still got
that flower shop, you know.

Oh, I see. Lily!
Yeah, nice one.

How's it going,
the old shop?

Oh, it still needs someone
to run it properly.

A top flight man
with his wits about him.

- Yeah?
- Well, don't we all, really?

Hold on, Rose.

One thing at a time, eh?

You got thousands of pounds
worth of motor sitting out there,

And now I was told you need someone
to drive it who can also keep an eye on it.

- That's right, love.
- Yeah, that's right. It's me.

So from now on, you just tell me where
you wanna go and I'll drive you there.

Ah, you don't meet many fellas
like you these days, Terry.

Don't you?

Men with a sense of purpose,
drive.

No messing about.
Men who get on with it.

Well, let's get on with it, eh?

The keys?

The keys.

Madam.

The old flower game
must be coining it in.

See what you get when you work hard
and save your pennies.

Does Charlie know
you're living the life of riley?

Er...
not exactly, no.

When Miss Right comes along
for you, love,

you'll find out
the best marriages

always have a couple of secrets
between husband and wife.

- Here?!
- That's right.

Won't be long.

Here, this your car?

No, it's not mine.
I just drive it for someone.

- Power steering?
- Yeah, very powerful, it is.

Automatic,
all the posh stuff.

Is that a radio?

- Yep.
- Let's hear it.

What do you want?

What you need's a new aerial,
mate!

Oi!

Oi, you little bleeders!

Oh, that's lovely, innit.

Home, James.

Turn the radio on,
let's have some music.

Er...

I say, my man.

When you've done that,
have a go at mine, will you?

It's all right,
I was only joking.

I'm glad you told me that.

So what's Mr Lily's
nice little game, then?

- Oh, it's terrific.
- Yeah?

- Dresses up in women's clothes.
- What?

Handbags, high heels,
the lot.

Yeah. Then I take him to
a few shady-looking places,

then I drop him back here
and he gives me a nice kiss.

- He does what?
- Gives me a nice kiss.

Oh, my God.
Rose Mellors!

Meet Mr Lily.

Hello, Rose.

You remembered my name.
I'm flattered.

- Hello, Albert.
- Well, it's Arthur, actually.

Oh. Of course.
Arthur.

Still the old boulevardier, I see.

Well, you got to make ends meet,
haven't you?

Looks like you found
some more buried treasure, Rose.

Yeah,
that's right.

Well, come on, Terry.
Nice of you to drop by, Arthur.

Well, actually,
I came down to see

if I could have a little
something on account.

Oh, yeah, course.
How much do you want?

Well, Terry's been at it,
what, three days.

Century should see us through.

Right.

Well, two, two or three hundred,
you know.

- Here we go.
- Ta.

All right, Terry,
love.

Give it the g*n!

There's a catch.

There's got to be a catch.

Stop over there a minute, will you?
I want to get the paper.

See how my shares are doing.

Oi!

- Where's my car?
- I don't believe this.

Where's my bleeding car?!
Where is it?

- I saw a bird there.
- You saw what?!

No, there was a bird, her handbag
was snatched. I went to help.

And you left the car,
just left it here?

I was only gone less than a minute.

I mean, somebody nicked the car
in less than a minute.

Flaming stars!

I'll go and find the old bill.
They'll sort it out.

No, no!
Don't do that.

- Well, we've got to do something.
- Come on, Terry. I need a drink.

Yeah, cheers.

Haven't you ever wondered
what my job is?

No.
I'm not paid to think.

Well, I'll tell you anyway.

I am paid a fat commission
by some bloke

to pick up and deliver things.

What kind of things?

Well...
diamond kind of things.

Diamonds?

I pick 'em up in one shape
and deliver them in another.

Do you mean all those places
we've been to...?

Diamond cutters.

It's hardly Hatton Garden,
is it?

They're hardly those kind of
diamonds, are they?

Do you mean they're hot?

Change, madam.

Warmish.

I've been carrying hot diamonds
all over London?!

Sorry, love.

Oh, sorry?!

I still don't know
why you can't report it.

Because in the car,

there's 100,000 quid's worth
of uncut diamonds, that's why!

I only picked 'em up last week.

See, once a month,
I get a consignment

and I put 'em in the place
I had made special,

and I take 'em out,
a few at a time,

and deliver them two or three times
a week to these cutters.

Then when they're ready,
I collect them up again,

put 'em back in the place
and deliver them to Mr Tajvir.

- Who?
- The boss.

All worked like a dream
till five minutes ago.

Gawd knows what he's gonna say
about dropping 100 grand.

Never heard anyone call him
a good loser.

Hold on.
Look...

You might be lucky, right?

Whoever nicked the car wouldn't even
be looking for diamonds, right?

All they'd do is go for a joyride,
nick the radio and that'd be it.

If WE are lucky,
love.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's right.
That's what I meant. We!

Nah. You pinch a Merc, it's cos
you know someone in Timbuktu

who's gonna buy it.
It's gone for good.

Or you've found out somehow
it's carrying a fortune.

For a joyride,
you take a Mini.

I still think
we ought to report it.

All right. Go on.

Hey you, get in!

- I beg your pardon.
- Get in.

Nah. My mum said never accept
lifts off of strangers.

Mr. Tajvir wants to see you.

- Who?
- Best do what he says, Terry.

Best do what I say,
Terry.

- Hold on a minute.
- No, no.

- Let's do what a man says.
- Yeah?

They come to see Mr. Tajvir.

Ah...
My dear mrs Mellors!

Gentlemen.
Please do sit down.

Some jasmine tea for our guests miss C.

How do you take
your tea mr. Daley?

Oh... Just as it comes.
No sugar.

Ah, man of taste!

So many of your countrymen
simply ruin a good indian tea

by throwing in absolutely
pounds of sugar in it.

You sir have a discerning palette
I can tell.

Yeah. Well I like
the nice cup of tea.

- I'll have four lumps.
- You don't take sugar.

- Nah. Five lumps.
- Quite right, quite right.

Independence,
ah, that's what I admire in a fellow.

A chap who doesn't run with a pack.
Makes up his own mind.

Absolutely splendid.

- Nice?
- Oh yeah, love... lovely cup of...

- uh... mr Ta... ta...
- Oh, Tajvir...

As elevense.

The secret is quite simple.
You see you warm the pot...

and always take it to the kettle.
Never the kettle to the pot.

I must remember that.

All right, we've had elevenses.
What are we here for?

Oh, I am sorry. I do apologise.
You're very busy gentlemen.

So I won't beat the bush,
I'll come straight to the point.

I invited you here
to see if we can find a way

to solve the matter of
these wretched diamonds.

- Any sign of the car yet?
- No.

Well, it's only been two hours,
or something.

Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure
the British police is most efficient

and polite, too.

They don't bash you about
for bloody nothing.

Not like Bombay.

However, it is my feeling,
gentlemen,

that even if the car is returned,

the diamonds may not be
returned with it.

It seems to me,
Mr Tash...

this is a matter between you

and Mrs Mellors and
my associate here, Mr McCann.

I really don't feel
I can be of any help

so I'll say thank you for the tea
and slide off.

No, no, no. Don't bother to see me out.
I can find my own way.

I won't detain you
very much longer. I promise.

Please.

You see, it is my belief,

that the thief took the car
because he knew what was in it.

No, never.
It was your average car thief.

Hopefully so, hopefully so.

But you see there's one tiny detail

about this morning's
regrettable affair

which keeps
nagging away in my mind.

What's that?

How did he steal the car
so damn quickly?

Yeah, I've been wondering
about that an' all.

Oh, I'm sure you have,
my dear old chap.

I mean, one moment it's there, the next,
it's gone like Greased bloody Lightning.

Yeah, well, there's some very clever
villains about these days.

Quite so, quite so.

Damn me if you haven't hit
the hammer on the nail.

It is my conviction
that this was an inside job.

What exactly are you suggesting,
Mr...?

It is my total and utter conviction

that a man who had access to
the actual keys of the car

simply got in, switched on the engine
and drove it off.

Access?

Well, there's Rose... Mrs Mellors...
and me, I suppose.

And Mr Daley?

I've never seen the keys
of her car!

I'm sure you haven't,
my dear fellow,

but you see, you provided Mr McCann here,
who did. You see what I mean?

Are you suggesting that my associate
stole your diamonds in your car?

- No.
- Well, that's all right, then.

Otherwise I'd have to hand it
over to my solicitors.

I am not accusing him alone.

I'm accusing him and you together.
Collusion.

Do you see?
Pulling a ringer.

Working a fast one.
Putting in a fix.

Hold on, hold on.

Listen, I don't wanna
sound ungallant or anything

but you seem to keep forgetting that
Mrs Mellors had access to the keys.

I mean, it was her bleeding car
to start with!

Oh, quite right, quite right.
Quite absolutely correct.

However you are forgetting that
Mrs Mellors here has been doing

a perfectly marvellous job for me
for over a year.

Not as much as a
parking ticket.

Now you two gentlemen
appear on the scene,

and within three days,
I have mislaid

£100,000 worth
of uncut diamonds.

Something tells me there is
a rat in the ointment somewhere.

Listen, Ganga, we haven't got
your rotten diamonds.

Oh, I do so hope my suspicions
are unfounded.

I wish it from the bottom
of my heart.

Yeah, but how do we prove
we are not your tea leaves?

- Tea leaves?
- Thieves.

How can we prove
we haven't got your stuff?

Oh, oh, I see.
Quite, quite simple.

You return the car here
within 24 hours,

complete with diamonds.

He's potty!

Oh, h*, h*.
Potty! Tea leaves.

Ah, yes, yes.
You are witty, gentlemen,

making puns like that.
Really, it's a great gift.

No. Seriously,
I mean it.

The car here
complete with the diamonds

by, er...
noon tomorrow.

Or?

Or my man out here, with his associates,
will have the authority

to break you into
little pieces, as they say.

But let us not look on
the dark side, gentlemen.

Let us all meet here tomorrow,

complete with the car
and the diamonds,

and we shall all have a splendid cup
of that jasmine tea.

- Des?
- Oi!

Careful!

Sorry, Terry.
Hello, Arthur.

- Des.
- What's up?

Er, Mrs Mellors has had her Merc
ripped off.

Oh, dear.
Insured, was it?

Well, no,
that's not really the point, Des.

You see, it's the principle
of the thing.

Terry, I swear on
Queen's Park Rangers,

I had nothing to do with it.

Look, somebody whips a 450 SEL
in 30 seconds flat.

Now, if you haven't got a key,
how'd you do that?

They don't.
The record for a Merc

is something like
five minutes, 20 seconds.

- You keep records?
- Well...

they have a contest each year.

You know, a kind of
Car Thieves Olympics.

- Just for fun, you know.
- So someone must have had a key?

Yeah.

Who?

The keys were never
out of my hands. Never.

Erm, pardon me for asking this,
but, um,

this car, was it...

Well, I mean,
did you get it kosher?

Course!
Why?

Well, there's this bloke they call
Yoyo Pickles in the trade.

Seems he once pinched a Roller for
someone who welched on the price.

And ever since then, every time he nicks
a motor for a special customer,

he tapes a spare set of keys
behind the rear light.

Then if the punter doesn't pay up
the agreed price, well,

Yoyo waits a bit, goes round
and steals the car back again,

using the spare set of keys
behind the light.

I bought it brand new
from the showroom.

Well, I wish I would be more helpful.
Have you tried the law?

Oh, don't be disgusting,
Des.

I mean, it comes to something
when you gotta ask the police for help.

I don't think there's any option.

No?

All right. I'll go.
I talk their language.

Listen, I know a couple of fellas
in the motor business.

Maybe they've heard something.

- Have you got a phone I can use?
- Oh, yes, yes. Help yourself.

- Who's she, then?
- Rose Mellors.

Her old man Charlie's
doing 15 years.

Ooh, you know some funny people,
Terry.

- Hello, Sid.
- Listen, compared with the mob

we're dealing with at the moment,
he's hilarious!

What's her motor to you,
then?

No, no, no.
It's what's in it.

What is in it?

A big pile of diamonds.

- Ah, you're joking.
- Oh, yeah, Happy Horace, me, innit?

If we don't find them,
there's a little Indian geezer

who's gonna turn Arthur and me
into a crowd.

We may have had some luck.
Come on.

What, Tajvir fallen off his elephant?

It's the duty of the police
to do what?

To find it.

I pay my taxes.

And my rates.
And it says on the rates bill

that a certain amount of that
goes towards supporting your lot.

Someone's nicked your car

and you want us to drop everything
and look for it?

Well, keep a token force
directing the traffic.

And don't stop the SPG

from apprehending people using the
bus lanes at Hammersmith.

Sid?

- Hello, Rosie, love.
- Hello, Sid.

- How's Charlie?
- Oh, he's fine, Sid, fine.

Must go and pay him a visit
one of these days.

Yeah.
Er, look, Sid,

we're looking for my car.

Terrible business. You gotta nail
everything down these days.

You know what? They ought
to bring back National Service.

That'd stop some of these
light-fingered gents!

Hold on. We're in a bit of a hurry.
We thought you might know something.

Oh, yes. Well,
Fred Brigstell was in Camberwell,

he said some funny fella was trying
to flog him a Merc this afternoon.

- Colour, number?
- Didn't say.

Have to go and see him.

He'll need greasing.
Grasping old bleeder.

- Thanks, Sid. Thanks a lot.
- Any time, love.

Oi, hold on.

Look, we've been at it
five hours already, right?

And all we've done is leapt from
one Flash Harry to another.

- If you've got any better ideas...
- Well...

I'm doing my best, Terry.
I mean, it's not me they're after.

I could go home, put my feet up,
have a drink, watch Crossroads.

Yeah.

Camberwell.
And don't hang about, eh?

Right. Dealt with banquetry,
burglary and bank robbery

and we can now get down to the
really important business of your car.

What make is it?

Oh, erm,
it's...

Er, you know...

Oh, I know. A man of your means
can't really be expected

to remember trivial details
like what kind of car he's got.

It's not exactly mine.

It sounds as though you nicked it Arthur.

That is slander Charlie.

I have a good mind to insist
on my lawyer being present.

Arthur, we didn't bring you in,
you came to us.

Well, it's um...
some merc.

450 SEL,
registration number...

EUU 47 V.

What?

It belongs to a friend.

Hello, love.

Can I check your cuda?

You're a funny fellow.
You know that?

Palladium next week?

- This your cue then?
- That's right.

- Bet you're a dab and vivid.
- Try me.

Arghhh.

Any more comedians
while we're at it?

Rose, Rose!

Sorry. I'm sorry about that fellas,
we're just looking for someone.

- Who's your one?
- He's called Yo-yo Pickles.

Yoyo Pickles?

- That's right.
- Here he is. Yoyo!

What's up with him?

He's practicing
for the next olympics.

Listen, can we have a word
somewhere?

- Yeah, sure.
- Cheers.

What's this all about?

- Terry will tell you.
- Look, uh, Mrs Mellors here...

- Mellors?
- Exactly.

She's had her Mercedes
nicked.

Des says that you might have
some thoughts on the subject.

Nah.
I only do Rollers these days.

You know about the Merc trade,
Yoyo.

Yeah, well, a bit with the frogs.

Maybe you should keep your eye
on Bognor.

- That's where they ship from.
- Bognor?!

We haven't got much time.

- How'd you mean?
- If we don't find it by tonight,

some of that.

Yeah, all right.

- I'll ring round.
- Cheers.

Fancy a game?

Des!

Your car, Arthur, is probably
halfway to Kuwait by now.

All right.
I'll put the word about.

Oh, thanks, Charlie.
That's very civil of you.

Oh, yeah. Hang about.

Better give me
the name of the owner.

The owner?

Too shy to come himself,
is he?

Yeah, well...

Is it really necessary?

- Mellors.
- First name?

- Rose.
- What?

Rose Mellors.

Rose Mellors.
Charlie Mellors' missus.

- The Dillinger of Dagenham.
- The Dilli...

Who?

No. No,
I don't think so.

Cheers anyway.

No.

No-one's heard anything
about a Merc today.

Yeah, well, thanks a lot,
mate.

- Ta-ra, Des.
- Yeah, see you, Terry.

Bye.
Take care of yourself.

Ta-ra.

What's the big deal anyway?
You can soon nick 'em another one.

No.
Not like that one.

- Come on. Let's have a game.
- Yeah, all right.

Rose?

That your minder,
the one with three left feet?

Hello, Jack.

- How's it going, Tarzan?
- Rose...

Rose, where you been?
I gotta talk to you.

I been waiting all afternoon.

Rose.

Go in and make yourself a drink,
will you, love?

I got a bit of business
with Jack.

Come on, Jack.

What happened, Jack?
For crying out loud!

What happened?
What went wrong?

Well, I got the hang of the motor,
didn't I? I mean, automatic.

You only have to bother with
the brake and the other thing.

- What's it called? Accelerator.
- Keep your voice down!

Just tell me what happened.

Well, I nicked the motor all right,
didn't I?

I mean, he didn't see me,
did he?

Yeah, Jack, you did very well.
Then what?

Well, it was going great.
Turning this way, turning that.

I remembered all my hand signals.

- Hand signals!
- It was going terrific.

Then all of a sudden...

there was this lamp-post.

Lamp-post?!

- Well, this dog ran out.
- Oh, Jack!

Look, just tell me where the car is,
right now.

- At this moment.
- Surbiton.

Shunted up
a bleeding lamp-post?

Well, yeah.

Right.

You get a breakdown truck
and you take it the rest of the way.

- And Jack?
- What's that, Rose?

Don't go banging into any
more lamp-posts.

Oh, no danger.
I won't do that again.

I gave my knee
a right bang.

- Can you find it all right?
- No problem.

It's just across the street
from the...

- from the...
- From what, Jack?

Police station!

Rose?

What's wrong
with Jolly Jack's leg?

He's got a touch of arthritis,
poor fella.

Oh, you haven't got your drink?

No. I'm gonna look for Arthur,
see if the old bill are doing their stuff.

No need. He'll ring you
if he's got anything to tell you.

Rose, it's not your neck
they're gonna squeeze, is it?

It's mine and Arthur's.

Oh, go on.
Squeeze mine.

You've got lovely hands, you know.

You're all right, Rose,
but your timing's rotten.

- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.

No, it's not.

- It is.
- It isn't.

I'm gonna have
a nice relaxing bath.

Rose!

One of my little luxuries

is to drink Champagne
in a steaming hot bath

up to my ears
in Badedas.

Sort of bubbles,
inside and out, you might say.

Look, I've got till noon tomorrow
before I start feeling the pain.

There's a bottle in the fridge.

Be a dear and bring me up a glass,
would you?

- Will you listen?
- Bathroom's upstairs.

First on the right.

Terry!

He he hey!

Come on in, darling.
Water's lovely.

Yes, all right, go on.

That's it?

Got it. Anything else?

Half a pound of Filberts?
What are they?

Same to you, dear.

Oh, should be home by eight o'clock.

Nothing much going on here.

Yeah.
Bye-bye, sweetheart.

The wife.

She doesn't like to eat later
than eight o'clock.

Yeah, look, Charlie,
can't you do something?

- Like what?
- Well, ring round, see if anyone's seen a car.

Arthur, have you any idea how many
police stations there are in London?

You're not like the way you're shown
on the telly! I tell you that.

There it's one phone call after
another, grab your hat and off!

Diving in and out of cars,
bells ringing in all directions.

Book him, m*rder one.

Here? It's like rest time
at the old folks' home.

Sit down,
Arthur.

What's Rosie Mellors got on you?

Nothing.
Why?

Because in all my years,
I've never known you so much as

help an old lady across the street
unless you were paid for it.

How dare you!

And here you are,
having a hernia

about whether Charlie Mellors'
missus gets her motor back.

No, Arthur.
It rings false.

Charlie?

Oh, that's nice, ta.

Mrs Mellors is a friend.

What are friends for,
if not to help one another?

Not in here, Arthur.

In Mrs Mellors' world,
friends are for grassing on.

Take my tip.
Find some better company.

May I use you telephone, please?
Phone my associate?

- Would that be Terry McCann?
- It would.

He's helping you look for it,
too, is he?

He is exploring every avenue.

Bit like Lady Chatterly's Lover
this, isn't it?

Dunno. I never saw it.

It's a book.

It's about this lady
and her gamekeeper,

only you're the chauffeur.

It all happens in the suburbs,
doesn't it?

Just think, I never believed
all them Sunday papers.

Oh, hold on, hold on.

What am I doing here?

If you don't know by now, love...

I should be out looking
for your motor.

Oh, don't worry.

I'll put in a good word
for you with Mr Tajvir.

I should imagine that good words

don't butter too many lamb curries
with your Mr Tajvir.

No, I'm sorry, love. Excuse me.

Where you going?

I wanna find Arthur,
see what's happening.

Oh, don't go.
We haven't finished the bottle yet.

Well, you finish it, eh?

Then you can have a kip.

Mad old afternoon.

That was quick.

Yeah, well I decided
to phone him myself.

What did he say?

Well, the old Bill seem to think
your car's on its way to the continent.

- Oh, no.
- Yes, so Arthur's gone to Bognor.

Fancy.

- Your phone was off the hook.
- Of course.

I don't take calls
when I'm busy.

- So you're not going after all?
- Nah...

can't see any point both
me and Arthur being down there.

Cheers!

Ogh.

Ogh!

I've got a bit of a problem.

You given any more thought
about running my flower shop?

- Yeah, I have, as it happens, yeah.
- What d'you reckon?

Well, if you still want me to do it,
fine.

I reckon we'd make a really good
partnership, you and me.

Marks and Spencers,
Laurel and Hardy

and now Mellors and McCann.

McCann and Mellors.

Rose, you're all heart.

I bet that's Arthur from Bognor.

- Shall I get it?
- Yeah.

- Hello?
- That you, Terry?

Yes, Arthur, it's me, yeah.

They found a car.

The coppers.

- It was in Surbiton.
- Oh, dear.

What do you mean,
'Oh, dear, '?

Well, just keep looking, that's all
you can do, really, isn't it?

Terry, are you listening to me?
I said...

Yeah, you did make good time
to Bognor, didn't you?

Bognor?
What's Bognor got to do with it?

Exactly, mate.
Well, keep on trucking, eh?

- Keep on what?
- Ta-ra!

Terry?
Terry?

How well do you know
this Arthur bloke?

Oh, not very well.

Trust him, can you?

Huh! About as far
as I can throw him!

I reckon he's behind it all,
you know.

Arthur?
No!

Yeah. I reckon he found out
Mr Tajvir's racket and stepped in.

Really?

Oh, thanks very much.
You chaps have done a grand job.

I'll take over now.
Get the motor back to its owner.

- Why not?
- I don't have much time.

Just as soon as we've turned it over.

- Turned it over?!
- Searched it.

- What do you want to search it for?
- Just routine, Arthur.

All right, carry on.

- What's he doing here?
- He's the chap that nicked it.

Know him, do you?

Don't you work for Rose Mellors?

Rose Mellors? Who's she?
Never heard of her.

I remember you. When she was looking
for that buried money...

- you was on her side.
- Not me, mate.

Here, what are you doing to
Mrs Mellors' motor?

Just giving it a service.

This is vandalism.

- Hello?
- Terry.

- Yes, Arthur, yeah.
- You're not gonna believe this.

They're stripping the car down.
They're searching it.

Where are you?

Yeah.

Yeah, I see.
You might as well come home, then.

No point staying down in Bognor,
is there? Unless you want a paddle.

Bognor!
There you go with Bognor again.

Look, aren't you listening to
what I'm saying, Terry?

Is there some sort
of crossed line?

Yeah, OK. I'll see you.

Terry?
Terry!

- Fancy going out for a bite to eat?
- We can eat here.

Nah, come on.
What am I, a kept man?

Anything you say, love.

Arthur...

Where're we going?

Oh, it's just
a little place I know.

The wine's a bit presumptuous
but the haricots verts...

Whoa!
A culinary delight.

We've something here, guv.

Well, well, well.

- Pull over here, mate.
- What's up?

Got to see a bloke.

I'll wait here for you.

No, come on,
I want to show you something.

- No, I...
- Yes. Come on.

Won't be a minute.

Terry!

What're you doing here?

What was all that about Bognor?

Look. Friend of yours there... Madam.

Mrs Mellors?

- Yes.
- I've got your motor here.

- So I see.
- And the culprit.

Yeah, what d'you get
for nicking cars these days?

Four, five years.
I can't remember.

Rose...

Listen, fellas...

- It was all a mistake.
- How's that?

Well, I gave Jack permission
to take the car.

- In a pig's ear, you did!
- Straight up, I forgot.

I gave him the spare keys and told him
I wanted the car serviced.

He's a nice lad
but if brains were gunpowder,

he wouldn't have enough to blow
his hat off, know what I mean?

So I suppose
when he saw it parked,

he just took it off to the garage.
Didn't you, Jack?

And the garage is the other side
of Surbiton, I suppose?

That's right.
How'd you guess?

I don't know what your game is
but I'm warning you, any more of this

and I'll have the lot of you
for wasting police time and money.

Charlie.
Don't forget the Filberts.

Listen, er, there's a taxi outside.
Pay it off, will you?

- Aw, thanks, Rose.
- Oh, Jack. The keys!

Thank you, Jack!
Thank you.

Here, where do you think
you're going?

I don't know, Rose.
You tell me.

Here,
no hard feelings, eh?

I mean, Rose just said
it was gonna be a bit of a lark.

She said... Here,
couldn't give us a lift, could you?

I've hurt my knee.

- Come on, Hopalong.
- Oh, thanks. Honest. I mean that.

- You're a real gent.
- Oh, shut up!

You hired Arthur and me
just to carry the can for you, didn't you?

Well...
You win a few, lose a few.

...

...

Terry, I never could control myself
with you, you now that?

It's not nice, Rose.

Well...
not a very nice person, am I?

Bet your mum warned you
about women like me.

There's a lot of money here,
Terry.

Yeah. And it's all going
back to Tajvir.

Listen...

You said you didn't have much truck
with that Arthur bloke.

Well, I could tell Tajvir
it was him who took 'em.

Then you and me,
straight down the middle.

50, 50.

Well, you're an original, Rose,
I'll give you that.

60, 40?

Listen, you wouldn't want me to tell
your dearly beloved husband

how I know you drink Champagne
in the bath, would you?

Terry, you wouldn't.
He'd go spare!

They go back.

All right.

They go back.

Eh? Nip down and get another
bottle of Champagne, eh?

DENNIS WATERMAN:
"I Could Be So Good For You"

subtitles by Deluxe

♪ If you want to
I'll change the situation

♪ Right people right time

♪ Just the wrong location

♪ I've got a good idea

♪ Just you keep me near,
I'll be so good for you

♪ I could be so good for you,
I'm gonna help you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ I'll do anything for you ooh-ooh

♪ I'll be so good for you

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ I'll do it like you want me to

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ There ain't nothing
I can't go through ooh-ooh

♪ I'll be so good for you ♪