♪ I could be so good for you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ Love you like you want me to ♪
- Anything good?
- Looks like a choice
between managing director
of British Leyland [LAUGHTS]
or stacking baked beans
in Sainsbury's.
Rowan?
- Alexander Rowan?
- Yes.
- Hello, Muriel.
- Arthur!
I've got it.
- Got what?
- Record player.
You said you wanted
a record player, remember?
I didn't want it for another
couple of weeks, Arthur,
I told you, it's for John's birthday.
It's couple of weeks as I said.
- Hello, Terry.
- Mrs Standen.
Muriel, please.
Couple of weeks? Hey. I'll never hold onto that
for a couple of weeks, they go like hot cakes.
Yeah, but do they go
like record players.
- You what?
- What is that?
Genuine Chippendale,
worth a fortune.
Chippendale, a record player?
Chippendale?
Yeah,
Charlie Chippendale, in Romford.
You must have heard of him.
He got the Duke Of Edinburgh
Award for Industry last year.
I don't know, Arthur.
I was thinking more in terms of
a nice music centre, nothing fancy.
I could not lay my hands on one
of them for a month at least,
and it will cost you a lot more
than this.
Oh, OK, bring it in.
I suppose it will have to do.
Terry.
- Ain't you going to give us a hand?
- With my back?
Hurry up, Arthur,
John will be back from school in a bit,
I don't want him to see this,
it's supposed to be a surprise.
Hurry up, Terry,
don't keep the customer waiting.
- Better come and have a drink.
- Oh, all right!
Right, sit down, would you?
My name is Morley, I'm your
probation officer.
- You were released...?
- This morning.
- Settled in all right?
- I found a bed, if that's what you mean.
What do you expect,
a royal suite?
Sorry.
Right. Now,
while you remain on parole,
- I am responsible for your well...
- I know what you're responsible for,
mr Morley.
You don't have to explain.
Rowan, it's going to be hard enough
getting you back to work.
Sorry, I didn't mean to be rude.
I just thought I could save you some time.
Right. Now,
when you went inside, your...
wife divorced you
and took the children to Australia,
- is that right?
- Yes.
- So you've got nowhere to live.
- Not yet.
You presumably know that owing to the
nature of the offence you went to prison for
there's no question of you continuing
to practise as an accountant.
- Quite.
- So, you've got two...
immediate objectives:
a job and somewhere to stay
once you leave this hostel.
- It's in hand.
- Oh, it is, is it?
Yes.
You understand, of course,
that if you associate with anyone...-
- who has a record, they'll...
- I do understand, yes.
Is that all?
Let me know
if you have any problems.
[TELEPRINTER CLATTERS]
[BUZZER]
- Yeah.
- Mr Jones is here.
- Who's that?
- From the VAT.
Tell him to VAT off.
- Look...
- No, it's all right, it's all right.
He made an appointment yesterday,
you said it was OK.
Hell's bells!
All right, wheel him in.
- Oh, Miss Fraser.
- Yes?
- Any word from Kuwait yet?
- Not yet, Mr Standen.
- Well, keep trying.
- Of course, Mr Standen.
Would you like to...?
[BUZZER]
Now, then,
what do you want?
Hello, Ted.
- Well, I'll be damned!
- Probably, yeah.
I had no idea you were...
I didn't know you were, well...
Out,
is the word.
Oh.
Sit down, sit down.
- What are you doing?
- Hm.
I'm just making sure
it isn't all wired up.
[CHUCKLES] Still got your
old sense of humour, I see.
No, I haven't, Ted,
I lost it the first day inside.
Have a cigar.
They're Havanas, hand rolled.
You used to smoke them
one in each hand.
Something else
I learned to do without.
Anyway, what's all this
VAT malarkey, eh?
It's the only way
I could get in here.
What's that?
My ears on the blink?
You're welcome any time,
old son.
Stone the crows,
we're friends, aren't we?
I don't know.
Are we?
Is the Pope Polish?
You look the picture of success,
Ted.
Very nice.
You could be Rupert Murdoch
sitting there.
Oh, come on,
relax!
You don't have to call
any muscle.
Want your old job back, Alex?
You got it.
We both know why I'm here, Ted,
so let's stop poncing about.
I want my 60 grand.
My unpaid salary you promised me.
Alex,
I have to tell you something.
While you were inside,
there's been the most almighty recession.
It's hit the property market
right in the kishkas.
I kept your name out of court, Standen,
and I kept your out of prison.
The price, if you recall,
was agreed at 60,000.
You said it would be waiting for me
when I got out.
Well, here I am.
Can't help you, Frank,
I haven't got it.
You keep twice that
in petty cash!
Straight up,
I haven't got it.
- How's Muriel?
- Haven't a clue, we got divorced.
All right, then,
What about little Johnny?
Be a shame if anything happened
to him, wouldn't it?
Don't try and frighten me,
Rowan,
I'm fireproof.
Tell you what I'll do...
I'll pay for a week's bed and board
in the local YM.
Can't be fairer than that,
can I?
Nobody ever accused Ted Standen
of being a cheapskate.
Did they, Charlie?
Nobody ever accused you
of being a cheapskate, Mr Standen.
Hey, watch where you're going!
What's the matter with you?
- Are you blind or something?
- Give those back! Ugh!
- Oh!
- Care for a little spin?
- Oh, and there's your bag.
- Ugh.
You four-eyed gits.
Argh.
Gordon Bennett!
What happened to you,
- fall off a train or something?
- I'm all right.
What happened?
- John!
- Nothing.
What is it?
- Nothing to get worked up about.
- Who was it?
A couple of yobs
from Lanscombe School.
Right, that settles it,
from now on, I fetch you.
- No, you can't!
- You watch me.
Mom, you haven't picked me up
from school since I was ten,
It'll make me look a child.
But I'm all right,
really.
Who are you calling?
Look, I hope you realise
this wasn't my idea.
Yeah, I know.
- I feel ridiculous.
- No more than me, sunshine.
Listen, listen, how do you know
they were from the local comprehensive?
Well, they, er...
they said so.
Oh, they introduced themselves, did they?
Leave off!
They called me names.
Usual routine.
It goes on all the time.
We get one of them,
and they get one of us.
We?
Not me, personally.
I leave that to the rugger mob.
But don't you want to get even
with them?
You mean,
am I out for 'revenge'?
- Yes. It's only natural, innit?
- No, it isn't natural.
Look, one of the few characteristics
separating humans from animals
is our ability, if we choose,
to rise above our baser instincts.
[LAUGHTS]
Outstanding!
[CHUCKLES]
Dave,
do you mind?
Yeah, right.
That's 48.
Why did you have to say that?
One vodka refill,
- I didn't ask for that.
- Arthur, I heard you.
'Do you mind, Dave',
you said.
No. I meant do you mind not interrupting me
when I'm doing my accounts.
Cackling like an old hen.
Well, I can't put it back in the
bottle.
Oh... stick it on the slate.
[CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHTS]
What's so hilarious anyway?
Look, look.
There's a story here about a bloke
who lost his wooden leg
on the tube. [CHUCKLES]
- I don't think that's very funny.
- It's a riot.
Dear, oh, dear.
Whatever happened to compassion?
- Give us a lager, Dave.
- 'Ey-up, Terry.
Arthur.
Arthur.
Oi, you!
Terry, sometimes you make me
quite perturbed.
Listen, how much longer have I got
to play nursemaid to that kid?
- As long as it takes.
- How long's that?
Well, Terry, you got something
against gainful employment?
I mean, if you have, you say a word,
I'll nip down the nearest Exchange
and take my pick from
saddle-soapers to brain surgeons.
Well, all I'm saying is,
that young Einstein is not mad
about me waiting at the gates
every night.
- And frankly neither am I.
- You're not there to be popular.
You're there to stop him getting
knocked about by comprehensive yobbos.
You're talking to one of those
comprehensive yobbos, if you don't mind.
- Yeah...
- Terry, 35p.
Look, his mother is a dear
and valued friend,
I'm doing her a favour.
Well, you go and wait for him
every night, then,
and take the lip
from his mates.
Terry, are you telling me you can't cope
with a bunch of schoolkids?
O dear, I'm going to have to look
at your on-going potential.
Now drink your drink
and shut up.
I think I'll have...
a touch of the tincture, landlord.
Sounds as though you had
a good day, Morris.
I have saved my good friend
Abraham Jabovitz
on his income tax.
That's what sort of a day I've had.
[LAUGHTS]
Hey,
what do you think of that, Arthur?
- 560 big 'uns.
- 500...
I think I'll go and work
at Victoria Station, it's quieter.
Hello, what's this?
It's just some old stock
I managed to shift.
Genuine Chippendale record players?
Yeah. I want to find out
what it comes to, if you don't mind.
- Arthur.
- What?
If it don't come to 427 pounds
and 35p,
get yourself
a better calculator.
How much?
Perhaps we could discuss your slate,
Arthur.
Look, after VAT and tax,
I don't get none of it.
I don't know why I bother.
You would have to show off,
wouldn't you?
Right, I'm going.
Doing the school run, aren't I?
Early.
- What's he on about?
- Oh, he's minding Muriel Standen's kid.
- Don't tell me you know Ted Standen.
- No, no, but I know his ex-missus.
[QUIETLY] Standen.
[NORMALY] The B&C king.
B&C, Morris,
what's that?
Bribery and corruption.
Standen's turned it
into a fine art.
Did those nasty boys give you
a hard time then?
Never mind, your nanny's here
to look after you.
Look, how much longer
is this going on?
Don't ask me, ask your mum.
She's paying.
It's been a week,
for God's sake.
Look, I'm twice as keen as you are
to jack it in.
I mean, must you wait
right by the gates?
Can't you...
stand up the road a bit?
Yeah, if you want.
And walk behind.
Make it look like we aren't together.
Anything you say, Chief.
- Ugh!
- Oh, hello, hello.
What's in your case, then,
you melon?
Look, leave me alone.
Ugh! Ugh!
Ugh. Ugh!
All right, all right,
that'll do, hands off!
Hang about, cowboy,
this ain't your fight.
You're wrong again, Tarzan.
No, don't be silly, sonny!
Come on, come on, you big brave boy,
you want some?
All right, you... let's go and
have a chat with your headmaster, eh?
- Leave off, you'll break my arm!
- Well, keep still, then.
Wait!
We're not from Lanscombe School.
- Do what?
- We're not from a comprehensive.
Are these the same two jokers
as last week?
- I believe so.
- Yes or no?
Yes!
- All right, then, what's the game?
- Somebody paid us to.
- Paid you, who?
- I don't know.
- How'd you get your money, then?
- It's in a post office.
Look,
we didn't hurt him, honest.
Duff him up a bit, they said,
once a week.
Well, go on, on your bike
and don't come back.
Pick up your case.
So, who'd pay
to have you done over?
I don't know.
- What's it all about, then?
- I've no idea.
Well, I have.
- Hold on, where are you going?
- Make sure he does his homework.
Well, you heard her,
get stuck in or there'll be no television.
Yes, I know about the regulations,
Sir Brian.
But there's ways round everything.
Mm.
Yeah.
Well, why don't we
have lunch and talk about it, eh?
Hit the tit, Julie,
and stand back.
Fine.
[BUZZER]
Ted!
- I'll call you back.
- I want a word with you.
I've got an important call
from New York. Yes, bye.
What do you want, Muriel?
And make it quick.
Someone is paying
to have John roughed up.
- Do what?
- Once a week.
Now, I want to know who
and I want to know why.
- How do you mean, roughed up?
- I thought you'd know, you berk!
It's written all over
your face.
It's something to do with one
of your rotten deals, isn't it?
Someone trying to put the arm
on you through John.
I have no idea
what you mean.
Oh, no?
Oh, dear me, no.
You are not stand that I'd let
that happen to the kid?
You'd help if there was
a couple of quids in it.
What kind of father
do you think I am, Muriel?
Didn't I start a trust fund
for the lad?
- Who are you ringing?
- The police.
No coppers.
Right, then let's get down
to business, shall we?
- You remember Alex Rowan?
- Yes.
Well, he's out.
He says I owe him.
He's only ninepence in the bleeding shilling,
I don't know, a bean.
- Then I can tell them it's Rowan?
- Ring in the police
and Rowan will blow the whistle.
Which would put me away for a start.
- Where you belong!
- Which would stop your maintenance
and the kid's school fees.
The whole gravy train, Muriel.
Gravy train?!
I get the gas cut off
at least once a year.
The school practically has to sue me
for its money.
I get ulcers over the bills you hold
off paying until the last minute.
And you talk about gravy train,
you sod!
No fancy colleges for him, Muriel.
I tell you this, if I go down, I'll make sure
the two of you end up squatting.
And what is John to do in the
meantime?
Teach him karate.
You don't give a toss, do you?
- Blimey, your own son!
- He's no son of mine.
You've pampered him
till he's scared of his own shadow.
He can't tell the difference
between dominoes and football.
The only time he gets near a girl is
when he sits next in the hairdresser's.
You blew on him, he'd fall over.
He's your kid, Muriel.
So don't saddle me
with your sugar plum fairy.
How does anyone get to be
such a b*stard.
Practise.
Come on, girl, keep punching.
I'd sooner be on the game
than work for him.
How do you stand it?
He pays me three times
what I'd get anywhere else,
and in a few months time I'll have
enough money to put down on my house,
and then,
bye-bye!
Good for you.
[BUZZER]
What do you mean,
letting her down in here?
Oh, I'm sorry,
Mr Standen,
don't you wish to see Mrs Standen
in future?
And what about my call to Kuwait?
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, what's all this?
Once upon a time there was a bloke
called Arthur Daley.
[CHUCKLES]
- He was a nice enough sort of geezer.
- Oh, help yourself.
But he just couldn't mind
his own business.
No, no, no.
If it's about them record players...
Always poking his nose in
where it didn't belong.
One day,
along come somebody
and broke it off.
So...
you call off your boy
from minding Ted Standen's kid.
- All right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course.
That way, you get to keep
your nose.
And your teeth.
No, he's been as good as gold,
doing his homework.
Oh.
Yeah, thanks.
Any tea in that pot?
Oh, yeah,
I'll get you another cup.
Don't bother, you haven't got
food in mouth, have you?
No, not yet, no.
So, where'd you go?
- To see his dad.
- And...?
It's one of his oppos.
- They fell out.
- Well, what did he say?
- About John?
- Yeah.
He said teach him karate.
That's it?
He's not going to fix the geezer?
- That's it.
- TERRY SIGHS
Not exactly a family man, is he?
When it comes to
warmth and affection,
Ted makes Hitler look
like Francis Of Assisi.
So, what you're going to do?
Well, for a start, I'm going
to ask you to go on minding him.
Yeah, OK, sure.
I know it's a drag, love,
but what else can I do?
I'm not exactly mad about people
who take it out on kids.
Ta.
This other bloke,
what was his name?
Rowan,
Alex Rowan.
He was Ted's chief accountant.
Then there was this
bribery and corruption case.
Must be three years ago now,
about the time Ted and me split.
Rowan went down and er...
Ted stayed out.
He was supposed to pay Rowan
to keep shtoom.
- And now he wants his money.
- Which Ted isn't forking out.
Typical!
Blood out of a stone's a doddle compared
with getting him to let go of cash.
Listen, I'd better sh**t.
And don't worry,
I'll keep an eye on him for you.
You're the first person in years
I feel I can trust, Terry, you know that?
That's me, isn't it?
Old dependable.
Bye, love.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Thanks.
So,
it is to do with my father?
Oh, Terry, thank gawd you're here!
I want words.
Thought you had enough
of those already, Arthur.
No, no. This is no time
to be satirical, my son.
I have got a job for you
I can't begin to describe.
Lovely money, four-day week,
double time after five o'clock.
Eh?
Sounds handsome, doesn't it?
Yeah, as soon as I'm finished
at the Standens', I'll do it, certainly.
No, no, you don't understand,
you have to start tomorrow.
- Don't be daft. I can't, can I?
- Why can't you?
I've just told you.
If you're worried about the kid,
don't,
cos I talked to his mother
and she don't mind.
- When did you talk to her?
- When?
Yeah, when?
What time?
What is this, the Old Bailey?
Am I on trial or something?
No, the only thing is,
I spoke to her an hour ago
and she was begging me
to stay on.
- All right, Terry, I'll be honest with you.
- [LAUGHS]
Come here. Come here. Look,
I have just had a discussion with a bloke,
a big bloke,
I mean big.
Like, you know,
one of them,
and
we reviewed the situation
and the upshot was,
that if you don't stop minding the kid,
I am going to lose things.
What sort of things?
Just things.
Parts of me that I'd rather hang onto.
- [SPLUTTERS]
- No, I'm serious, Terry.
Look, look, look,
wasn't it the great Arthur Daley
who once said
'Loyalty is above value'?
- Yeah, but there's loyalty and loyalty, innit?
- Yeah. Exactly!
So, when Muriel tells me to quit,
I'll quit.
All right?
He ain't getting the message,
is he, Mr Rowan?
- No.
- What do you want us to do?
I don't know.
Let me think a minute.
We ought to have another word
with this Arthur Daley block.
Pull his ears off.
What do you say, Phil?
- Yeah.
- Listen, you two,
I don't want anyone
face down in the river.
This isn't Chicago,
I'm not Al Capone.
Just persuade them
with something a little less, well...
permanent.
- What hand do you write with?
- This one.
Right, so that means you lead
with this one, right?
That's there for protection.
Keep it up high all the time.
All right, that's it.
And I think, you have to look
at the geezer you gonna with, right?
So,
hit me.
I don't want to hit you.
- Well, pretend I'm your dad.
- Oh, look, why bother?
I'm not interested
in all this macho stuff.
Listen, do you want me wet-nursing you
for the rest of your naturals?
No.
Well, come on, try.
I'm your dad, right?
You don't like me, do you, son?
No, I make you stand up straight.
What you doing?
Be a man, come on.
Come on, son. Come on,
tote that barge, lift that bale.
- Come on.
- [GRUNTS]
No, no, no, no. Hold on.
Come here, come here.
By the time you learn to box,
you'll be in one.
Look, er...
pretend I'm you, right?
Grab me round the neck
like that geezer did the other day.
No, grab me round the neck.
That's it. Right.
Now, you don't need all that kung-fu
although it does help, right.
All you need
is the heel down the shin
and wallop.
Right on the instep.
That stops him
from creaming you.
I find this conversation
extremely distasteful.
[MOCK POSH] Oh.
You suit yourself, then.
No, wait.
I'm sorry.
Do you mind that?
Ta.
Thanks for trying to help him,
Terry.
He may be Brain Of Britain but he ain't
going to get any A Levels in self-defence.
I've always been too protective.
I wish I hadn't now.
There's a big bad world out there
just waiting to eat him up.
Yeah, well,
thanks for the nosh.
Are you off anywhere
special tonight?
No, just sh**ting
down the Winchester for a caf.
Get so bored going to the Savoy
night after night.
Do us a favour.
I don't think I've got time.
Take him with you.
- Eh?
- Please.
What for?
He won't learn much about life
sitting and watching telly every night.
Well, do you fancy coming down
to my club for a drink or what?
Have I got to change?
No, they'll let you in
like that.
Just get a jacket,
you don't want to catch a chill, don't you?
- You a bit of a punter, are you?
- Only on certainties.
Let me give you
a little fact of life.
With these, there is no such thing
as a certainty.
Well, we'll see.
- Got it?
- One more go yet.
[COINS DROPPING]
- JOHN LAUGHTS
- TERRY: Stone the crows!
[COINS STILL DROPPING]
The money I've put in here
and not a sniff.
- [COINS STILL DROPPING]
- TERRY: Hoo-hoo!
You can buy yourself
a new school uniform with that lot.
You're not even taxed on it.
Ha-ha-hah!
Dear oh lor',
what a stroke of luck.
Stroke of luck?
I've been watching them.
Every eight goes there's a small win,
and every 15 a big one.
Just enough to keep people playing.
Did you work that out all
by yourself?
See what an expensive education
does for you?
- Come on. I'll buy you a drink.
- You're not old enough.
I'm 18 tomorrow,
as a matter of fact.
Well, in that case, you can buy me a drink
but you can't buy you one.
- Same again?
- Yeah, a lager and a coke, on him.
- Big spender?
- Big winner, look. [GIGGLES]
Why do you work as a minder, Terry?
It beats starving.
Get much job satisfaction,
do you?
You have to make do with the talents
you've got. You'll find that out, son.
Do you know what are you going to do
when you grow up?
- There's no question about that.
- Well, what?
I'm going to sort my father out,
once and for all.
- Arthur!
- Muriel.
- What a nice surprise. Come in.
- Oh, ta.
Sorry it's so late but...
I just happened to be passing and erm...
Oh, that's all right.
Not interrupting anything,
am I?
Far from it.
[SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYS]
- Take your coat off, have a drink.
- Oh, ta.
- Vodka and tonic, isn't it?
- Erm... Just a touch, Muriel, yes, ta.
You're looking well.
It's divorce, love,
made a new woman of me.
- All I need now is a new man.
- [ARTHUR CHUCKLES]
Here we are.
Ta.
- Cheers.
- Ta, cheers.
How's um...
- How's Terry getting on?
- Oh, fine.
- He's a grand lad, Arthur.
- Mm.
- Salt of the earth.
- Why?
- Hm?
- Why do you ask?
Well, no, he's not er...
- He's feeling all right, is he?
- Yeah.
Not er...
Not looking a bit...
- peaky?
- No.
Arthur, what are you trying to say?
Come on, spit it out.
There's nothing wrong with Terry,
is there?
He's a brave kid.
They threw away the mould
when they made him, I tell you.
What is it,
what's the matter with him?
It's the...
old ticker.
His heart?
Terry's got heart trouble?
Doctors told him
to take it easy.
His old white-haired grandma's
told him but he won't listen.
See? He's got this thing about loyalty.
He cannot...
Once he's started a job
he cannot leave it until it's finished.
- Never mind the strain.
- Arthur!
Why didn't you tell me?
I had no idea.
Well, I thought, look after a kid
for couple of days, just up his street.
Not too strenuous.
'Cos I didn't realise
how long it was going to go on.
I mean, I should have thought,
I realise that. I blame myself.
But you let him take that record player
right up to the attic.
But that is exercise.
I mean, he's got to get exercise.
But punch-ups is tension.
I see.
Oh, how awful.
Well, I'll get someone else, of course,
right away.
- It's very good of you, Muriel.
- If only I'd known.
There is just one thing,
Muriel.
Hm?
When you tell him,
don't let him know that
you know about his trouble.
- Right.
- See, he's got this terrible pride.
He cannot bear people making
allowances for him, you know what I mean?
I'm glad you told me, Arthur.
Well, I thought it my duty,
Muriel.
Well,
with the amount of money I've acquired,
we can get a taxi.
You could buy one, couldn't you?
[CHUCKLES]
Just about, yeah.
Your mum would go mad,
you know.
Hey, hold on, hold on,
back off, mate.
Oi, don't get hasty, son.
Aw!
Ow!
[GRUNTING AND GROANING]
- Wait a sec, wait a sec!
- Wait a sec?
What is this,
Marquis of bleeding Queensbury?
- My hand, I think it's busted.
- My foot, it's all swollen up.
I don't believe this.
Two biggest jelley beans
I ever seen!
We're not used to this lark but now
it's you got take what's going, haven't you?
That's right, sunshine,
so you gonna tell me where Rowan is.
Ron, tell him, Ron, will you?
Then we can go home.
He'll be in Sid's Nosherie
tomorrow at 11, straight up.
- Where?
- Sid's Nosherie.
Thank you,
thank you.
Come on, ladies,
time to go home.
Well done, Rocky.
Thanks.
- As I say, just go for the vital parts.
- Yeah.
- It's easy, innit?
- Where've you been?
Oh, I tell you what, you'd have
been proud of John boy tonight.
- There's... There's two chaps...
- John, it's late.
You got school tomorrow,
up to bed, go on.
- But can't I tell you?
- You can tell me tomorrow.
Now, good night.
[TEARS OUT CHEQUE]
- I'll see you, Terry.
- Yeah, rock on.
- Well done.
- Thanks.
- I'm sorry if I kept him out late.
- No, no, no, it's not that.
I tell you what,
if it hadn't been for him,
I'd have ended up
as hamburger meat tonight.
What?
- You've not been in a fight, have you?
- Well, no...
Oh, God, are you all right? You ought
to be resting. Why don't you sit down
- or someting?
- Get off, I'm all right.
Terry,
love, I'm really grateful
for what you've done for John.
Yeah, he's come along fine,
hasn't he?
- Here.
- What's that?
It's what I owe you.
I'm having to let you go.
They're not finished with him yet,
you know.
I'll manage.
We'll be all right.
You're the boss.
You've got too much on the slate,
Dave.
How can I run a club like this
without giving credit?
Harden your heart, my friend.
Do me a favour.
I'd lose half my bleeding members.
Look, Inland Revenue don't recognise
generous spirits, Dave.
Owe them a million, that they can respect.
But £114.95? Forget it, Dave.
- It's the old charlie's handle, innit?
- Talk of the devil.
Just turns round
and gives me my cards.
I don't understand it.
Give us a lager, Dave.
- Hello, Morrie.
- Yeah.
- There's no reason given, nothing.
- Well, who knows with women, mu son?
One minute you're beating them off
with a club,
the next it's 'Don't slam the door
on your way out'.
- Here you are.
- Oh, cheers.
- I think that's right.
- Oh, I see,
everybody goes Dutch now,
do they?
Bloody Common Market.
Vodka & T, please, Dave.
Right.
Well, cards or no cards,
I'm not done yet.
What does that mean?
I owe that kid a favour
for last night.
Now, look, Terry,
leave charity work
to the Sally Army
and Jimmie Salvy, will you?
You're off the payroll,
end.
- That will be 60p, Arthur.
- Stick it on the slate, Dave.
Arthur, I want to have a word with you
about your slate.
Dave, I am busy
I am in conference.
Arthur, would you have a word
with my financial advisor?
You owe my client,
£13.41p.
Client?
Am I going to flee the country
for 13 quid?
- Probably.
- Look, I don't come here to be insulted.
No?
Where do you go?
How's the Chippendale
record players doing, Arthur?
You know, this recession is k*lling
old-fashioned friendliness.
The ice is getting into the soul
of this country,
just like they said
in New Society.
- It's too early for that. I'll see you.
- Where are you off to?
'A man's gotta do
what a man's gotta do.'
Ah, come back here.
No, I'm just going to have a quiet word
with this Rowan geezer.
- Alex Rowan?
- Yeah, do you know him?
The bloke who just done some
for Ted Standen?
- Yeah, that's the one.
- I taught him all he knows.
Heh.
Not all I know, though.
You taught him, Morrie?
I didn't know you was a professor.
Evening classes. I took a class or two
back in the Punic Wars.
He was the best accountant of the year,
young Rowan,
and then he screwed up.
He got ambitious,
and from there to being a crook,
is a very short step for mankind.
So, what does he do?
He goes and works
for Ted Standen
and before you can say Charlton Athletic,
he's slopping out.
Yeah, well, your star pupil
is now beating up kids.
Hey, Terry,
if you go out through that door,
don't bother to come back,
just keep on going,
because it is the end of the road
for you and me.
What is this,
Gone With The bleeding Wind?
I am serious, Terry.
I'm using my serious voice.
Just a minute.
I mean Alex Rowan was never heavy metal.
I mean, it's not like him
to use frighteners.
Standen owes him money.
What's it to you, anyway?
I'll tell you what it is.
There's two things in life I can't stand.
Sugar in tea,
and the other is a man who bribes
his way into replacing churches
with multi-storey car parks.
Where is Rowan now?
- In a little caff round the corner.
- Can I come?
- Yeah, if you want to.
- Just a minute, just a minute.
May I remind you that we have
an agreement, an arrangement?
I tell you what to do
and where to go
and you do very well out of it,
Terry, if I may say so.
- Oh, yeah?
- I have an assignment for you now,
and I can't have my employees
swanning around...
- Arthur.
- What?
[PHONE RINGING]
Shove it.
That was gratuitously offensive,
Terry.
Terry, phone.
Cheers, Dave.
Hello.
Oh, hello, John.
Nah, well, your mum pays the bills
so what she says goes.
Sorry to hear about what?
My heart?
She said what?
Arthur.
Oi, oi!
Come here!
Oi, you.
- Now, listen, Terry...
- No, you listen, driver.
Just sit there and shut up.
- Hello, Alex.
- Morrie.
- Hello, Alex.
- It's all right. All right.
Come on,
we'll go for a nice little drive, eh?
Down by the river.
Driver!
I didn't want to get rough, I swear it,
but what else could I do?
All right, how long did you work
for Standen?
Couple of years.
So you used know where more bodies
are buried than a grave digger.
Nothing I can use against him.
Just think a minute,
don't be hasty.
Terry, I'm not serving any purpose here
so I'll slide off and get a few chores done.
No, no, no, Arthur.
You can serve a useful purpose here,
- by staying here and shutting up.
- Yeah, but look...
Otherwise I'll tell your dear friend Muriel
what a lousy fibber you are
and how you deceive her
with someting rotten.
Terry, Terry, this Standen,
he don't fool around, you know.
Anyone who gets in his way
ends up propping up flyovers.
- Arthur.
- What?
- Don't upset me.
- Ohhh!
Alex, Standen must have
plenty of cash about to bribe the punters.
Well, he's got to keep it somewhere.
Now, think.
He keeps it
all over the place.
I know he milks his son's trust fund,
for a start.
He put money by for John? That's a
giggle, he can't stand him.
Well, of course he can't,
but we can't prove anything.
I mean, the firm that manages the fund
his own by standed.
How old is the boy?
- Who cares? He's under age.
- He's 17.
No, hold on, it's his birthday,
he's 18 today.
He's just a bloody kid.
He's 18?
Terry, can you find him?
John!
- Hi, Terry.
- Are you all right, mate?
- Yeah.
- Come here.
I've got someone I want you to meet.
This is Morrie, Mr Levin.
- Hello, son.
- How do you do?
What's going on, then?
Listen, do you remember when I asked you
what you wanted to do
when you grow up?
- Yeah.
- And you said
you wanted to get even
with your old man, eh?
- Mm.
- Did you mean it?
Of course, I did.
And I'm right in thinking
today's your birthday?
That's right.
- Many happy returns.
- Thanks.
- How old are you?
- 18.
- Look, what's this all about?
- Today you are grown up.
That's right,
the majority age is 18 now.
Well, just think a minute, John.
You're legally grown up,
you can do all the things
mature grown-ups do.
You can get drunk,
you can see porno pictures,
you can vote,
you can join the army and sh**t people.
- Yes, but what...
- And also, John,
you can sue people.
Come here a minute.
There's a bloke here
who owes you an apology.
Sorry, John.
I've got a good mind to turn you over
to the coppers, you great bully.
- Oh, Muriel...
- It's OK, Mum,
- we've sorted things out.
- [SHE SIGHS]
Thanks.
And you shouldn't be doing
so much running around.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, well,
don't worry about that at the moment.
Morrie wants to ask you
a question.
Oh, Yeah. Er... Mrs Standen,
tell me,
do you sincerely
want to be rich?
You what?
Well, John's father set up a trust fund
for the boy some time ago.
- Isn't that right?
- When he was two, yes. Why?
Well, knowing what he was like,
didn't you find that a bit odd?
Well, I just assumed
that was his way of...
hiding some funny money.
That's his main hobby.
Well, John here
is now qualified
to ask questions
about his trust fund,
him being 18 today
and everything.
- What kind of questions?
- Awkward ones, I hope.
You couldn't handle your father, John,
you wouldn't know where to start.
No, but Morrie would.
- You mean... You'd act for him?
- He's red hot with figures.
When Rowan put up the idea,
he was the first person I thought of.
- I mean...
- That'll do, Arthur.
Well, I would gladly act
as John's accountant.
- Well, let's get started, then.
- But there's just one snag.
Snag?
You didn't say nothing about a snag.
What's wrong?
Standen knows me, he knows my face.
I wouldn't last five seconds.
- Fine time to tell us, isn't it?
- It's all right, no sweat.
- What do you mean, no sweat?
- I can tell someone else what to say.
Well, I could write it down.
We just need someone
Standen doesn't know to go in
and act the part.
Well, there's only Terry and me.
- No, Terry's too young, Arthur.
- Hm, I see.
Hey, hey, hold on, hold on,
you can't be serious.
No, no, don't be ridiculous,
never!
Arthur...
[COUGHS WEAKLY]
I don't even look
like an accountant.
What are you talking?
You look better than me.
Nice clothes, beautiful voice.
Brisk, efficient manner.
I'll bet you've got a tooled leather
executive briefcase.
Beautiful one.
Her indoors gave it me for Christmas.
Then you're in business.
I could put you up for the Institute
of Chartered Accountants.
Got a biro?
- Oh, hello, John.
- Hello, Miss Fraser.
- I'd like to see my father, please.
- Oh, of course.
John's here.
- John who?
- Your son.
If he's after money,
tell him I'm nothing to do with it.
What does he think I do,
photocopying?
- It's my birthday.
- It's his birthday.
What? Oh, God, all right.
Five minutes.
- Good luck, love.
- Thanks.
[BUZZER]
Sit down.
What's all this about a birthday?
Oh.
That's right, Dad.
I didn't make a note of it.
Well, you said you wanted to see me
on my birthdays.
- Maybe if it's inconvenient I'll...
- No, no. Sit down, sit down.
- I've got a lot on my plate right now.
- I understand.
I'm hanging on this big deal
with the Arabs.
Sounds terrific, Dad.
Son, I'm not talking about
a few quid here.
I mean, this one
involves millions.
If anyone can pull it off,
you can.
Yeah.
Righto, John,
how are you?
- Oh, I'm all right.
- But you can't rush these blokes.
As a matter of fact, it's like trying
to do business with a bleeding glacier.
- Yes, sir, may I help you?
- I'm with him.
- Mr Standen?
- Yeah.
- You're a friend of Mr Standen's?
- Yeah, that's right, yeah.
Are you sure
you've got the right place?
He just came in.
Young geezer with glasses.
Oh, you mean Mr Standen junior,
John.
Yeah, that's the one, yeah.
Oh, hello,
an old geezer with glasses.
- May I help you, sir?
- Er, no, no, I'm with him.
I see.
- Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon. Can I...
Don't tell me,
you're with them?
That's right.
Just a minute, I know you.
Left school when I was 15.
Did a paper round.
Worked on building sites,
dug potatoes.
Hard days, lad.
But it made a man of me.
- I remember the time...
- Dad.
- What?
- Er... May I ask you a question, please?
What are fathers for, son, but to
answer questions from their children?
- It's about my trust fund.
- You what?
You set one up for me,
didn't you?
What's the sudden interest
in your trust fund?
I mean, it doesn't mature
till you reach majority.
Ah. Well, I was talking
to my accountant today...
Just a minute, hold on.
You were talking to your... what?
My accountant.
Oh, I see,
you've got an accountant, have you?
- Yes.
- But you're just a kid.
No, Father,
I'm 18 today
and that is the age of majority.
So,
I would like to discuss my
financial affairs,
starting with my trust fund.
Get out, wasting my time
with these dopey ideas. Go on, hop it.
Actually, I've brought him along.
I think he should sit in on this.
Would you step in, Mr Daley?
Er, yeah.
- Good afternoon, gentlemen.
- This is my... father, Mr Daley.
Arthur E Daley, Institute
Of Certified Accountants.
I'm going to count to three...
My client would like
to discuss the trust fund...
- One...
- That you set up in...
- 1964, I understand.
- Two...
To mature when he came of age.
- Is that correct?
- Three.
And that's what your darling boss
did to him.
But that's awful.
You watch out, Miss Fraser,
you could be next.
You could be right.
Terry.
No. Hold on, hold on.
You don't wanna go in there.
- Why not?
- They're talking business.
Here, aren't you Terry McCann?
Yeah, that's right.
I saw you fight
a few years back.
- Yeah?
- Yeah,
I saw you knock out Brick Maloney
under three rounds.
Yeah, that's right.
- He was fantastic.
- I can believe it.
I think you're right.
- Eh?
- I don't wanna go in there.
- Nah, that's the spirit.
- I'll go and get a cup of tea.
- What a good idea.
- Yeah.
- Nice to have seen you, Tel.
- Yeah, keep jabbing.
My client would like to know when he can
expect to use the income from the fund.
Miss Fraser, where the hell's
Charlie?
Was any arrangement made to do so
prior to the maturity of the trust?
It is managed, I understand, by...
Philbert Nominees Ltd,
a company resident
in the Isle Of Wight.
- Man!
- Man, Isle Of Man.
That's correct.
Who told you
about Philbert Nominees?
I also understand
the aforementioned company,
the controlling body
of my client's trust fund,
is a company
wholly owned by... Standen Enterprises.
To wit, you,
Mr Standen.
Who gave you this load
of old cobblers, eh?
I also understand
from my client
that you're not exactly a strong candidate
for parent of the year awards.
So the idea of you setting up
a trust fund for your son
is about as likely as, well,
Crystal Palace winning the European Cup.
I'm willing to lay you odds
that if we were to look
into this trust fund,
instead of the erm...
we find nothing but a couple
of old buttons and a dead rat.
- What are you doing?
- What does it look like?
Mrs Standen said you were saving up
to buy a house.
Well, I'm just going to have
to skimp on the carpets, aren't I?
Thank you, Ted.
- I know how that must have hurt.
- Er, excuse me, Mr Rowan, may I?
Oh, in all the excitement you've gone
and signed it 1991, Mr Standen.
And your initials.
Ta. There we are.
Ah-ah-ah!
We've not quite finished yet, Mr Standen.
This is bloody daylight robbery.
Yes, you probably know more
about that than we would.
It's a little matter of Mrs Standen's
maintenance,
and her mortgage,
and my client's school fees.
I have all the papers here.
They're all in arrears.
Well, a busy man like you can't be expected
to remember everything, can he?
What shall we say,
a year's payment in advance for all three?
Good, well done.
Thank you for being so understanding.
You see how efficient you can be
when you try.
- Go to hell.
- Thank you.
[PHONE RINGING]
You'd better answer it,
it might be Mr Right.
Fat chance.
Hello. Mr Standen's office.
Kuwait? I'll hold,
put them through.
Well, I think that concludes
my client's business.
- Thank you for your time, sir.
- I hope you mean that.
- Mean what?
- Conclude. Nothing personal,
but if you fetch up here again,
I'll have you shredded.
- My word is my bond, Mr Standen.
- Glad to hear it.
Of course, if by any chance,
these cheques are not honoured.
Leave it out.
Think I want the Fraud Squad having
a working holiday on the Isle of Man?
No, no, no,
of course not.
Nice room.
Know what it needs?
Record player, sort of antique.
Chippendale.
Yeah, then we could set all this
to music, couldn't we?
- Go on, get out.
- Thank you.
[CHUCKLES]
I don't belive this.
You've done it.
- I certainly have, there we are.
- He was fantastic.
- He certainly was.
- Ah. It was nothing.
All we need is bit of chutzpah,
a bit of nerve,
- 'He who dares, wins' remember that?
- Yes, you can put them through.
Look. Don't go without me,
I'm going to buy you a drink.
Hello?
Sheik Rasheed?
You're ready to sign the contract?
Good. Yes.
Yes, I will tell Mr Standen.
He is in conference at the moment.
With a delegation from Israel.
[LAUGHTER]
He's helping them build
a m*ssile base.
[LAUGHTS]
Hello?
He rang off.
I looked Standen
square in the eye.
I said, I said, 'Standen, I said,
your threats don't frighten me.
I have been frightened by experts
and in comparison,
you nondescript squickpeep,
[ALL LAUGHTS]
you are still at kindergarten.'
'And here is the pitch, ' I said,
'Either you pay up
or you have me to deal with
in more ways than one.'
Or words to that effect.
Listen, I don't expect you'll hear this
very often, but I'm proud of you, my son.
Well, I'm very proud of John
for standing up to his father like that.
Come here.
Ooh, there's a happy birthday, John.
Well, it was Morrie
who told me what to say.
Arthur, can I have my script back?
You know, maybe I'll be able to use it again.
Yeah, Morrie,
I didn't actually use the script,
you know,
I just used the basic idea.
Like I more extemporising,
you know?
I mean, I'm very good
at thinking on my feet.
[LAUGHTER] - Mr Daley.
- Yes, my son?
Mum says you know all about
record players.
Does she?
Well, the thing is, she bought me
one for my birthday.
- Oh, did she?
- The thing is, it won't work.
Won't work?
She said she went to some
Flash Harry who sold her a dud.
Somebody told me they were intended
for the Swedish market.
- It won't go on our electricity.
- [SNORTS]
Course, I don't know.
Mum says if I talk to you,
maybe you could get if fixed.
Oh, did she?
It's lucky you can think
on your feet, isn't it, son?
I can think on my feet.
- Arthur.
- What?
Who's paying for this junket?
It's on me.
It's the least I can do.
Landlord.
Sorry, I haven't got
anything smaller than that.
I'm sure I can change it for you,
sir.
[LAUGHTER]
For you, sir,
we do have credit.
Have you ever considered becoming
a member of this establishment?
- Proposed!
- Seconded.
Good.
Hereby elected.
Come on, then,
speech, speech!
[APPLAUSE]
Speech!
My friends,
for so you all are,
I don't want to dwell
on my involvement
with this business this afternoon,
but I would just like to say
these few words...
- 'The drinks are on me.'
- The drinks are on me.
No, no!
[CLAMOUR]
The drinks are on Arthur.
Eric, what are you having?
A large one.
A large Bacardi and coke over there.
DENNIS WATERMAN:
"I Could Be So Good For You"
♪ If you want to
I'll change the situation
♪ Right people right time
♪ Just the wrong location
♪ I've got a good idea
♪ Just you keep me near,
I'll be so good for you
♪ I could be so good for you,
I'm gonna help you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ I'll do anything for you ooh-ooh
♪ I'll be so good for you
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ I'll do it like you want me to
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ There ain't nothing
I can't go through ooh-ooh
♪ I'll be so good for you ♪
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