♪ DENNIS WATERMAN:
I Could Be So Good For You
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ Ooh, ooh
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
'Six-to-one, number seven,
Medusa.'
[PHONE RINGS]
'Eight-to-one, double.'
'Runners in the next race at Epsom,
eight runners, eight runners, they all go.
Jockey is number six.
Princess Billy...'
What do you reckon?
Any chance?
Not a lot.
But they're my lucky numbers,
one and two.
Can't you count after those?
Yeah, yeah.
I just get stuck after four.
[CHUCKLES]
- Paying tax?
- Oh, yeah.
- It's the only way to do it, innit?
- So they say.
This guy's had a result
the first two winners,
and he's on a 12-to-one
for the treble.
Look, spread it around,
would you?
Student of the form, eh?
Not difficult, darling.
Numbers. Mathematics.
Didn't you get an O level?
Woodwork.
Don't polish the woodwork here.
The punters can't give me their bets.
Hello, Jim.
Sorry, mate. Here you go.
- Any luck?
- No, not a thing.
Same as him.
- You're new here, aren't you?
- You're quick. Here you are.
No, I'm not quick.
But I am a tryer.
You know what, don't you?
I mean, you'd look better
behind a roulette table
down Curzon Street.
I thought you were gonna say Tesco's.
You work there?
I've got an idea.
I could tell you my complete life story
when you finish work.
How's that?
No, thanks.
Not even a runner?
Not even under starter's orders.
I was Charlie's wife.
You?
Old Charlie's wife?
Oh,
I'm sorry.
No, it's all right. I mean...
It's five months now.
No, it don't matter.
I was out of order. I'm sorry.
Why? People are a bit surprised.
He was a bit older than me, but...
he was lovely, my Charlie.
- Charlie? Smashing bloke, yeah.
- Thanks.
So, you're gonna manage the shop
by yourself, are you?
Yeah.
Why not?
I've been around bookmakers all my life:
Charlie,
my dad was a bookie,
and his brother.
I didn't have
nursery rhymes when I was a kid.
I was just brought up
on the runners and riders
for Kempton Park
and the Timeform Black Book.
I've been looking for someone like you
since I was 14 years old.
You work for Arthur Daley,
don't you?
No. No.
Not for. With.
Oh.
We can still have a drink
after you finish, can't we?
OK. Just for a drink.
That's right. Where? Em...
The boozer on the corner?
- Yeah, all right.
- Right. About six, eh?
- Er, seven.
- And don't forget my winnings.
Terry!
- Where are you?
- I'm here, ain't I?
Yeah, well, I'm over there in a boozer.
Been there for a quarter of an hour.
Er... Wouldn't anybody buy you a drink?
[CHUCKLES]
There is always a flock
of respected people
ready to buy me a drink.
And you, frittering your
hard earned away on the horses.
No.
Dogs. Hackney.
Cor, dear... You've got no class,
have you?
Royal Ascot, Epsom,
Glorious Goodwood...
What do you do?
Hackney.
Barry's been m*rder*d.
- Do what?
- Barry. Been m*rder*d.
No. I don't believe it.
Who? How? I mean...
Shot? Strangled?
No, no, no. Not "m*rder*d" m*rder*d.
m*rder*d by the horses m*rder*d.
- Oh, that.
- Take heed, my old son.
If a bookie like Barry can't win,
who can?
He does lay odds with
some very nasty people, doesn't he?
No, no, no, no.
Not nasty.
Just people who can't get credit
with kosher turf accountants.
and people
who do not like paying tax.
Who does, Arthur?
Anyway,
he needs you.
He's going to pay out today.
- Why? What am I supposed to do?
- Well, company.
- Go with him to the bank.
- Do I get paid for my company?
Yeah, OK. Yeah.
Mm.
Well, go on, then!
- What, you mean this minute?
- Yeah.
All right. Yeah.
- Aren't you coming?
- No, no, no. I've seen a bank.
Anyway, I gotta see a fella
about some fireplaces.
Some what?
Fireplaces.
Victoriana.
They're knocking down
some old houses,
and I can sell the fireplaces to decent
middle-class people
who want to gentrify their houses,
after they've evicted the tenants
who put in
these high-speed gas fires.
- Say that again.
- Fashion.
Fashion, full circle. Don't you ever
read the Houses & Gardens?
[HAMMERING]
- [IRISH ACCENT] You want them all?
- Oh, er... That's...
Whatever you got.
I mean, it's just rubbish, innit?
I mean, no...
no intrinsic value.
Well, in that case,
why do you want them?
- I'm a collector, Pat.
- The name's Dermot.
All right, Pat.
I'll call you Dermot.
I tell you what,
I'll give you a score apiece,
but intact.
I don't want no
damaged goods.
I seen an article the other day.
Quite fashionable, these things.
- House & Garden.
- [LAUGHS] Never! What, these?
Look. Would you want one of them
in your house?
Course not.
I've got under-floor heating.
There you are, then.
Hey, do you know
the Romans invented that?
Yeah?
Funnily enough,
I got the stuff from two Greeks.
Greeks, Romans...
All part of our Western culture, Pat.
Ain't it, Dermot?
[RADIO CRACKLES]
- Here, let's get a move on.
- Why? What's occurred?
In about two minutes,
I'm liable to be nicked.
What have you done?
No. There was a young 'un.
Loitering, suss.
What am I doing
outside a bank, eh?
- When you gonna make the payout?
- Later.
But don't leave me alone,
I get nervous when I'm carrying cash.
- How much have you got in here, then?
- 23K.
Woo! Heavy load, innit?
- Bad week?
- Week? That was a day.
- It's a high-risk business, mine.
- So it seems, yeah.
Most of the time it's a good living.
I'm not like Ladbrokes.
You know, the margin's dicey.
And the people I associate with,
they don't like to hang about
for their winnings.
The only thing is,
I've got a meet tonight.
Oh, that's nice.
You'll be through by nine.
Oh. Er... well,
could we just pop in and see a...
a friend?
- It'll only take two minutes.
- Make it sharpish.
All right. Swing a left here.
Thank you.
Ah! Um...
You know we were gonna have
a meet tonight?
Yeah.
Well, something's come up.
Oh, yeah?
No, no.
I'll be finished by nine.
- Yeah.
- So... So I thought...
maybe we could go out
and have a little meal.
Listen, what happened to my bet?
- You lost.
- Terrific, innit?
- Do you know Mr Wong's?
- Yeah.
Well, I thought
maybe we could meet there,
have a bit... of sweet and sour and...
various, and, er...
- You don't look too thrilled.
- Well, we were just gonna have a drink.
Well, so?
Now we're gonna have a meal instead.
Listen, Terry.
You're not even under starter's orders.
[LAUGHS] Leave it out!
All I'm saying is,
we'll go and have a meal.
- OK.
- Great.
I'm well known at Mr Wong's, you know.
Oh, yes.
See you.
Just the thing for now, Dave,
now the nights are drawing in,
a really cheery fire.
- I dunno, Arthur.
- No, now you just listen to me, Dave.
I mean, take a place like this.
I mean, look at the decoration.
Oh, she chose the wallpaper.
She's certainly got an eye
for interior decoration, Dave.
But what I was saying
you imagine a roaring fire,
warm hearth,
lovely mantelpiece...
It's more sort of...
welcoming, innit?
Yeah, I like a nice fire
myself, Arthur.
I mean, you imagine, for example, Dave,
a lovely fireplace just there.
No, not there, Arthur.
That's only hardboard wall place.
How about there?
That's party wall,
straight into a butcher's deep-freeze.
They can do anything these days, Dave,
all them architects.
I mean, we're not talking
about rebuilding Rome, are we?
we're talking about
a simple chimney.
Now, I happen to know the district surveyor
- personal friend as the matter of fact.
- Members only, old pal.
- Just a visitor, mister.
Oh, hallo, Pat.
How's it going, Dermot?
What'll it be?
Half of Guinness.
Just a dry martini
with a dash of lemonade and
and lots of ice, please.
About them fireplaces...
Chip?
- Didn't they give you any cod?
- Later.
I'll get it back.
You sound a bit confident.
Because he's a mug. Punter.
You a betting man?
Yeah, I like a punt.
Nothing big, though.
And do you win?
- I'm about even, I think.
- That's what they all say, Terry.
Occasionally they get lucky,
and suddenly they think they're winners.
I used to punt.
You can't beat the book.
So I assess the lark.
I call them mugs.
I despise them. No, really.
Do something else, then.
What?
Insurance?
Stockbroker?
Odds on a man's life?
A bottle of whisky a day,
and he'd die before he's 60.
Well,
I'd like to get some of them odds.
It's all in the book.
That's all right, then.
Looks like no-one's following us.
Should anybody be
following us?
This is nice, innit?
Yeah, they like this,
places like this.
No prying eyes and all that.
Sometimes
I forget the combination.
[LOCKS OPEN]
There we go.
That's him..
the big saloon.
Shan't be a minute.
- Do you want me to come with you?
- No, no, no. No problem.
Hi.
There you go, Ray.
Hey, you aren't Ray!
Just a minute! Terry!
Terry!
You aren't Ray!
Tel!
Terry!
Help me, somebody, please!
Tel!
I'm sorry, Tel!
I'm sorry!
Help me!
Ray! Help us!
A man robbed me!
Get us to the hospital.
It's Terry. He could die.
What are you talking about,
robbed?
He nicked my dough.
Ray, just help us.
Get him in the car, please.
Your dough?
That's my dough.
I think you should stay here
for the night.
No chance.
Have three days off work.
What work?
I bag your pardon?
Nothing it happens.
Well, just take it easy.
Another drink,
Mrs Warner?
I don't think so.
If you'll meet Mr McCann
just tell him
he's lost another bet.
Oi! What you doing still in bed
and on your own?
- What you doing with a key to my flat?
- Well, letting myself in.
No, no, no, don't go back to kip!
Come on. I need help.
I've got some fireplaces
I want shifting over to the lockup.
I do not feel like
humping fireplaces around.
- I've got a bad back.
- Yes. So have I.
So have you?
[SIGHTS]
Eight stitches, that is.
Doctor said I've got to rest
for a few days.
Doctors!
What do they know?
What did you do?
Slip?
Yeah.
I slipped
while some other geezer
was trying to decapitate me.
No.
Bit of bother?
Oh,
well spotted.
Well, I mean, in your trade,
that's industrial injury, innit?
It's one of the hazards
of your profession.
Thanks very much
for all your sympathy.
Oh, that's all right, Terry.
Actually,
listen. This, er...
This mate of yours,
Barry the Book.
- What do you reckon on him, eh?
- Oh, 18-carat.
No, no, no.
Oh, no.
That's what I mean.
What do you mean, that's what you mean?
Come on! Get up! Make us a cup of tea.
Hey!
I'm an invalid.
But surely you can pour a drop of hot water
on a teabag, can't you?
No.
Terry, you know what your trouble is?
Self, self, self.
Dolly?
Dolly!
- Look, I know what you're thinking.
- Yeah, that's right.
I couldn't phone or anything.
I was at the hospital.
- Measles?
- No, not meas... Look, I'm...
I'm sorry, really.
- Why did you go to the hospital?
- Oh, it...
It don't matter it's.
It's nothing serious.
Look, have you got an hour or so
at lunchtime?
- Where?
- Anywhere.
Er, the boozer?
I've got to be back
for the first race at Catterick.
- 12:30, then?
- Yeah. Smashing, yeah.
And...
I'm sorry.
Look,
just don't blow me out again, OK?
[CLASSICAL VIOLIN MUSIC]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Barry?
Terrible thing last night.
You OK?
Yeah, I'm fine, fine.
Terry?
- I was just saying to Terry...
- OK, I'll ask him.
Come in.
How are things... the back, I mean?
You set it up.
- Me?
- Yes, you. Set it up.
You got it all wrong.
Look, I saw you in the hospital didn't I?
You're having kittens.
No, no. Look, look.
Terry gets a bit impetuous.
I've been telling him,
in my book you are 18-carat.
I apologise.
I'm sorry.
Oh. He's sorry. He apologises.
What are you saying, eh?
Are you owning up?
Is that what you're saying?
It all went wrong, Tel.
No, no, no, Terry!
- I'll break your bleedin' neck.
- Don't hit me!
Be reasonable.
The man may have a decent excuse.
Better be bleeding good.
- You knocked the picture off the wall.
- Maybe I'll hang him up there instead.
Look, I can explain.
I can explain.
Can we go in the drawing room?
It was gonna be simple.
You were just there as a witness.
So when Ray Newell
drove in the car park,
you'd substantiate my story -
a guy robbed me.
But you were too quick, Terry.
I swear, my life,
the guy was gonna drive off. That's all.
But when you grabbed the car door,
he had been panicked.
He didn't know what to do.
You were too brave,
Terry.
A fool to himself. There you are,
Terry - you are too brave.
Yeah.
Eight stitches too brave.
All right, then.
What was the moody?
- Waste paper in the envelope?
- Yeah.
Did you seriously think Ray Newell
would swallow that?
What else?
I'm skint.
I beg your pardon?
- I'm skint.
- No, no, no. I heard what you said.
It just took a few seconds
to sink in. Oi!
You haven't weighed in
for Terry's performance last night.
Oh, God.
- No, no, no. You'll be all right.
- I'd better.
Ta.
[SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE]
What am I gonna do?
Have an early holiday.
What's he gonna do...
that Ray?
[SIREN APPROACHES]
He isn't gonna k*ll me, is he?
[SIREN RECEDES]
You can ask him yourself
in a minute.
I am not talking about
your problems.
What I am worrying about...
is my dough.
But you see, Ray...
Well, you were there.
Hmm. I don't care.
You lost your money,
so,
as I've told you,
that's your fault.
We don't want to have a fight
about it, do we?
I mean, I've given up fighting.
Cyril?
He doesn't fight.
Ram - he doesn't want to fight,
in case he spoils
his suit.
Mind you, he's pretty handy
with that kick-box
and all the martial arts.
Arthur,
you don't want to fight, do you?
No, no, no, no. No, as a matter of fact,
we were just on our way out.
- How's your back?
- Fine.
- Nasty wound.
- Oh. Er... Mm.
- Where's my money?
- I need time.
Oh, you are terrific.
I mean, just look at him.
I do bets with you every week.
It must have been thousands
over the months,
and I have a little tickle,
and you don't pay.
Would you believe that?
Well. As I was about to say,
it's really nothing to do with us, is it?
I want you to stay
to see fair play.
Fine, fine, but
- I've got some business.
- Haven't I?
Your car keys.
- Why?
- Why?
Because you owe me 16 grand.
Keys!
Now, let's see.
BMW,
quite nice condition.
Um, shall we say...
..3,500?
- Fair?
- Well, I don't know about that.
Oh, yes.
It is very fair, Barry.
It is not
a seller's market, Barry.
Log book.
Oh, Ram?
Go and find his cash.
Right.
- What do you reckon, Cyril?
- Hmm...
Well, the sofa table's nice.
Mm.
Regency.
Mahogany.
Say 400.
People hear Regency and they think
they've got a goldmine.
Put it in an auction.
You won't get any more.
Dining chairs, Victorian,
set of six.
Nice condition.
Hmm, 250... 285.
Pretty.
Carriage clock.
Movement by Belleville of Paris.
Cyril?
- That chair.
- Sorry, sir.
Very good repro.
That's a George II library chair.
You're been done, Barry.
Just look at it.
It's too perfect.
Look at this carving.
These edges.
They should be
bevelled by time.
We're talking about a piece that
should've been made er... 250 years ago.
I reckon this was done just before
the First World w*r.
Handsome, I'll agree,
but not George II. Sorry.
He's mustard, this bloke.
He's better than the fella on the telly.
Where'd you get the looking glass,
Barry?
Oh, I dunno.
A junk shop.
Really?
We're talking about £600.
Quite early,
original condition.
Very fine.
Oh!
This is your lucky day, Barry.
Mmm...
Late-19th century.
Four landscape watercolours...
Hmm, simple stuff. 50 apiece.
Oh, I'll have one of them,
if, er... if it's OK.
- Why not? Cash.
- Oh, yeah. Course.
Her indoors
likes a nice watercolour.
- Oi! Whose side are you on?
- You don't mind, do you, Barry?
See what I've got.
Bird's eye dough.
Oh, what's this worth
after it thaws out?
- 2K.
- Eh?
- Two thousand.
- Mm.
Have you got any more
in your airing cupboard?
Ram, er...
start to get this stuff outside, will you?
Me?
You know I don't do manual work, man.
Oh,
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about that.
Well, get those other fellas up here.
Tell them to bring my car.
Now, I'd just like you to check
these figures with me, Barry.
That's, er, £9,876. OK?
- Yeah. Anything you say.
- Mm-hm.
Now, £16,000 minus, er...
Well, we're talking about £6,100.
Er, we won't bother about the £24.
When?
- I don't know.
- Really?
- Let's say three days.
- I haven't got it.
I do like this guy.
Er... Am I being reasonable,
Arthur?
It's a debt of honour, Barry.
I don't like violence.
I can't sue you.
I can't get the Ombudsman
to write to you.
- I need time.
- No.
If you're not going
to give it to me,
I am going to hurt you.
- What do you mean?
- I've told you.
I'm not a violent man,
but I've got to have
some satisfaction.
Well, you understand that,
eh?
If you get away with this,
what will the others do?
They'll all start to knock me.
And if I let you get away with this,
you're turning me
into a right wally.
Tell him, Arthur.
Um... Well,
Barry, I...
what I think Ray is saying is, you've,
er... got to be fair.
Mm.
Now,
what is an arm or a leg?
£6,000? Personally,
I'd rather have the money.
But if don't get the money,
it's got to be an arm or a leg.
Wouldn't like to make a pot of tea,
would you?
No.
Anyway, they've taken all the cups,
haven't they?
In and out, no mess...
Very efficient.
- They're better than Pickfords.
- Does he mean it?
Yeah. I think he does.
Of course he means it.
You can't blame the man, can you?
I mean, can you fault his logic?
No.
He's been paying you all this time,
and now you can't pay him,
so he's got the hump.
- Seems reasonable to me.
- He isn't giving me a chance.
A few weeks, I'd be OK.
- Here, I don't suppose you...
- No, no, no, no.
Don't never a debtor
nor a lender be
- nor a...
- It's a long shot, Arthur.
No, no, no.
Against my principles, Barry.
The best thing for you now
is have a very early holiday.
Terence,
time for my lunch.
- What time is it?
- Nearly one.
- One?
- Terry!
- I didn't know Terry knew Dolly Warner.
- Oh, yeah. Very close.
Right little bird bandit, Terry.
I think he's in love.
[LAUGHS]
Dolly, I'm so...
I mean, there was no way
I could do anything, honestly.
Piss off!
Now, what we are talking about,
Terry, is a moral dilemma.
I thought we were talking about
breaking a leg.
Precisely.
Six grand or a leg.
I mean,
is there a fine distinction?
Course there bleedin' is.
Listen. Look.
The fella knocked Ray.
If people like us can't trust ourselves,
who can we trust?
I wish the Inland Revenue
would give us an option.
Six grand or a leg?
It'd be nice, wouldn't it?
You wouldn't have any legs.
Or arms.
Look. Listen, my son.
It's a dog-eat-dog world.
In a couple of minutes,
I'm gonna stitch up a simple Irishman.
What's wrong with that, eh?
Look at that!
Very nice, Pat.
Any more, Dermot?
A few.
- But here is something else.
- Oh, yeah?
- How about that?
- Another fireplace.
- Do you know what that is?
- A fireplace.
An original Adam fireplace.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Of course, yeah.
That's obvious, innit?
Do you remember the big
Georgian house at the end of the street?
- No.
- Well, I got that there,
and I know an Adam fireplace
has got to be valuable.
No, no. Not particularly.
- It's a nice clean job.
- I've cleaned it up, all right.
Er, what do you reckon?
- Me?
- Yeah.
One of my staff.
Bit of a connoisseur.
Well, it's, er...
It's old Adam, obviously.
The real McCoy.
Yeah, that's him.
Adam McCoy. He's the one.
Now, look, Pat. I know you're
just a simple artisan, Dermot.
But, er, what are you expecting
for this item?
Four what?
[LAUGHS]
You gone Irish bananas?
Er, look, don't let's quibble, Pat.
I'm a very fair man, Dermot.
I'll give you a ton.
No, sir.
Well, Adam what's-his-name
is well known in the fireplace business.
Highly respected.
Hm?
Mm.
You're a hard man.
Better up my figure.
Nah. No, no, I can't do it.
Come on.
I tell you what,
Done.
Thing of beauty, Terry.
I knew it immediately.
Get off!
It's Robert Adam.
The governor, they reckon.
Oh, he'd be well pleased
to know the punters still
get so much pleasure
after all these years.
Dear! That Irishman'll be well pleased,
an' all. Five grand?
More, possibly.
I knew it, Terry.
I could... I could feel it in my water.
That is why I am an entrepreneur,
not your simple general trader.
Oh, yeah, I know that.
I mean, I can see it now.
"Arthur Daley takes over Harrods."
Cheap gibe, Terence, cheap gibe.
But it could happen.
And you'd be very happy
to be part of the firm.
Meanwhile, run to Des's garage,
get a van for the night.
Pick up the rest of them
fireplaces.
Oh, no. Not tonight.
No.
- Why not?
- Er, D-Dolly.
I thought you'd had a ruck.
Yeah, but you know me.
Smooth talker.
See, that's the difference.
You got the dough,
I've got the charm.
Keep the home fires burning.
Eh?
[PHONE RINGS]
Yeah?
Oh, hello, Peter.
How's your lung?
Course I'm still in business.
What do you mean?
Where did you get that idea?
No.
Yeah?
Kempton?
Three o'clock.
Bandy Lad...
Is that B-A-N-D-Y?
Bandy Lad.
Monkey to win.
You're on, son.
Peter, I hate to ask you this, but...
I need the cash.
Cheers.
See?
I told you I was well known here.
Why?
Oh. Well,
I did a favour for them.
There was a bit of bother
about 14 months ago.
Like what?
It was nothing serious.
It was just a...
well, couple of young tearaways
terrifying the punters.
And you sorted it out?
Well, basically, yeah.
Yeah.
Have you ever thought
about getting a job?
- Eh?
- Yeah.
Job.
You know - employment.
Career?
Pay packet
at the end of the week?
- Promotion?
- Pension?
- You think that's funny, don't you?
- No, no. I just...
I just think you're having
a pop at me, that's all.
No. I'm not.
Why does everybody want me
to get a job?
Because you haven't got a job.
Arthur Daley - that's not a job.
He's just a small-time gangster.
Gangster? Arthur? [LAUGHS]
- Do you like him?
- Course I like him. He's a mate.
All right, all right, I'll own up.
He's a bit dishonest, right?
Bit of a liar. Well, no.
not really a liar. But...
Well,
bit of a rogue, that's all.
That's only the nice side
of his character. [CHUCKLES]
I give up.
"Va-wallah", as they say.
- Ah.
- Nice, eh?
Mm. Oh, yes.
Nice clean job.
That's exactly what I said.
Robert Adam, as you well know.
[SIGHS] But there's Adam, and, er...
Adam.
Oh, indeed there is.
Yes.
Just as I thought.
What?
- That's an Adam.
- Knew it straight away.
But not from his factory.
That's the rub, Arthur.
Factory?
I got this from a Georgian house.
They were all
at it in those days.
Just as nice,
but not from the master's workshop.
If it were a nice one from him,
we'd be talking about five grand... plus.
Well, that's what I thought.
Placed it at the end of the 18th century,
circa...
- Well, that is old, you know.
- It is, Arthur.
But it's only £600.
- Are you sure?
- Sorry.
Well, it's better than my place,
yeah.
One of these days
you might see inside.
I thought maybe...
I could come in for a coffee, or...
I don't think you're really
the coffee type, are you?
OK.
- Well, thanks for a lovely evening.
- I bet.
- No, really. I mean it.
- Thanks.
[GRUNTS] Bloody hell!
What's the matter?
No, I'm sorry. It's...
Er, it's my shoulder.
It's, er, stitches. Sorry.
Thought it was passion.
Well, it could be.
Don't let it put you off.
Hey,
you don't work in the day, do you?
No. Not very often, no.
Would you like to
come racing tomorrow?
I've got some people
I've got to meet at Kempton Park.
- Do you fancy it?
- Yeah.
Yeah, please.
Smashing!
Right.
Can you pick me up here at 12? Yeah?
Course I can.
See you.
How come I'm not invited?
I don't know.
Just not, that's all.
- Who am I? A leper?
- I don't know.
Well, I mean, in a social sense.
Jacket?
That's lovely, innit?
Hera I am, landing you my best bins.
You're going off to... having day out,
and I'm gonna be up in fireplaces.
It's tough being a what-you-call-it,
innit?
An entrepreneur,
innit?
Still, it's only Camdon Park, innit?
It's not as we talk about Royal Ascot.
Still it's better than
up to the fireplaces, innit?
Lock up,
when you we're out.
Oh, come on Dolly,
I've just had a rough spell.
The bookies I work for
was getting greedy.
They wanna to cut
my commission.
And the big firms
won't entertain me.
That's why I'm asking you
to take a small bet.
- What's small?
- A monkey.
And it isn't even a favourite.
The punter'll take starting price,
so you could shave a few points
by laying out on the opening prices.
- Simple, eh?
- Yes, it is simple.
Cach.
Bandy Lad, Kempton,
three o'clock.
Well,
it so happens I'm going to Kempton,
- so I'll lay it on the course.
- That's all the better.
I'm really grateful to you, Dolly.
See, I'm doing this
for a pal of mine.
He's in real trouble.
- Like what?
- He might lose his legs.
Barry!
Nice people you mix with.
Friends, Dolly.
You can't disown friends.
- He's one of our own, old Terry.
- Terry who?
You wouldn't know him.
It's a guy called Terry McCann.
You say he's in trouble?
- I didn't know you knew Tel.
- What's wrong with him?
Oh, it's nothing.
- I shouldn't have told you.
- What's happened?
I'm sorry, but since you know him,
you know what he's like.
No.
No, I don't.
He's always getting into scrapes.
I blame that Arthur,
but he would not listen.
Just between you and me,
there's a right tasty mob after him.
He owes 'em six K.
They're after crippling him.
[HORN BEEPS]
- That one of your horses?
- No, Terry. It's Nijinsky.
Won the Derby,
the 2,000 Guineas,
King George VI,
Queen Elizabeth Diamond Stakes
and the St Leger as well.
- Some form, eh?
- It's called breeding, Terry.
Listen, you don't seem too happy
about our little excursion.
Don't be silly.
Have I got the wrong suit on
or something?
It's smashing.
Come on, let's go.
Er, er,
what was Barry Duncan doing here?
Oh, it was just a...
business call. That's not a crime, is it?
- You never know with Barry, do you?
- Yeah?
Good friends, are you?
Friends, Barry and me?
Oh, yeah. Terrific.
Put me in hospital -
you know, the shoulder.
Then he stopped me
from seeing you the other night.
Apart from that,
we're terrific pals, surelly.
I know all about it,
Terry.
What?
You know.
No. What you talking about?
Don't kid me.
What are you going on about?
You don't care, do you?
Look at you! Relaxed!
- Cool as a cucumber, sitting down...
- No. I'm standing up.
- You know what I mean.
- Did he ask you for money?
- It doesn't matter.
- How much?
- Just get in the car.
- Look, how much?
Enough to buy you
a wheelchair.
Oh, Dolly,
you're really great.
You stupid cow.
- Er, it is an authentic Adam piece.
- From the master's own workshop.
We can vouch for that.
And you're asking 5,500?
- Very rare piece.
- Yes, I'm afraid so.
Oh.
Excuse me just a moment.
- Have you seen Barry?
- Mm, 15 minutes ago.
He's come up with trumps.
Surprised, are you?
You never know, in this world.
Yeah. But he nicked it, didn't he?
From a friend of mine.
It's in the bank, son.
- But he thieved it.
- Hmm. Lot of people do.
He owed me.
Now he's owing a friend of yours.
Now, I don't care where he got it.
Finito.
He's a wrong 'un.
Well, look,
we all duck and dive.
But that Barry, he's disrupting
the whole alternative economy.
Cheat a bit, rob a bit,
that's business.
But gambling debts...
that's indecent.
[RINGS DOORBELL]
[KNOCKS]
Barry!
[RINGS DOORBELL]
Oi, Barry!
[KNOCKS]
Oi!
Come on! Get up!
Get up!
Why?
You'd only hit me again.
Ray was gonna break my legs.
Are you?
I've had tougher people than you,
Terry.
You don't even care,
do you?
Why didn't you rob a bank
or something?
- You get nicked for that.
- But why Dolly? Why her?
I like long shots.
She'll get it back.
- Eventually.
- When, eventually?
I dunno.
The thing is,
I'm a very dishonest man.
- But of all people, Barry.
- He can be very persuasive.
Of course he can be very persuasive.
That's his game, innit?
- I was trying to help you.
- I don't need any help.
Anyway, the one who needed help
was Barry, wasn't it?
- I didn't know that.
- No, all right. I know...
Oh,
look, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm very grateful, honestly. Right?
I'm just not used to people
doing favours for me.
No. I won't do one again,
I can promise you.
No, I didn't mean that.
I really liked it.
Not six grand, you understand,
but...
It's really nice to know you got someone
in your corner for once.
And I tell you,
- I'll get it all back.
- Forget it!
You can buy me a drink...
sometime.
Tonight?
No.
Some other night.
I was hoping
we'd have quite a few nights.
No.
You're trouble, Terry,
aren't you?
- Trouble, me? No. You're kidding.
- No.
It's true, Terry.
You're a nice bloke, but...
you're trouble,
you always will be.
Leave it out!
You don't even know me.
I know I've only met you three days,
but you've stood me up three times.
You've been to the hospital once.
You've had two fights.
If you're not hitting people,
you chasing them.
You mix with rotten people.
And you're bad news, Terry.
Oh, terrific. Cheers.
You know it,
don't you?
No, it's been a bad week.
Spare me the good weeks.
Listen,
I'm supposed to be
a very shrewd, capable businesswoman.
I just have to be more careful
next time.
You and me
are gonna be good friends
and that's it.
Good friends?
OK.
I...
I'll still put your bets on.
One and two,
Hackney reversed?
And I'll still pay the tax.
- And if I see Barry...
- Oh, don't worry about him.
I'll get it.
The bird bandit
looks a bit downcast.
Don't you start!
Terry, you are beginning to sound
more and more like her indoors every day.
- So you had a blank.
- Just shut up, will you?
Er, er, that's her, to a T.
How'd you get on
with the old Adam, then?
Oh, reasonable.
Got a bit more
than I gave the Irishman.
Well, he wouldn't understand,
would he?
- Rare piece, that.
- No, no, no. Not that rare.
I had it valued, authenticated.
The whole thing.
Not five grand?
Eh?
Five... Five grand?
What are you talking about?
Well, I was just browsing
in the antique shop, you know?
Ray and Cyril were in there.
[CHUCKLES]
And, er... [CHUCKLES]
Five grand?
Ha-ha. You're winding me up,
aren't you? [LAUGHS]
Do you wanna bet?
DENNIS WATERMAN:
"I Could Be So Good For You"
♪ If you want to
I'll change the situation
♪ Right people right time
♪ Just the wrong location
♪ I've got a good idea
♪ Just you keep me near,
I'll be so good for you
♪ I could be so good for you,
I'm gonna help you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ I'll do anything for you ooh-ooh
♪ I'll be so good for you
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ I'll do it like you want me to
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ There ain't nothing
I can't go through ooh-ooh
♪ I'll be so good for you ♪
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