♪ MINDER Theme
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ Ooh, ooh
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
Yeah, Arthur reckons
this one'll be all right.
Right.
Oh, nice one.
Well, I'm the loser.
I'll get the booze.
Pints?
Yeah.
Just the half for me, thanks.
- Two and a half of bitter.
- Right.
Listen, If anything goes wrong with this,
just give it a good whack.
That's how the last one
got ruined.
- Want a half on me?
- Course I do, yeah.
Makes me weep, Arthur.
Well, they've all got to leave home
some time, Wally.
And you'll get no more aggravation
from your Renee.
She used to love that car.
Four times a week she'd
have the vacuum cleaner in there.
Now all she wants out of it
is a bungalow in Eastbourne.
Well, it's going to a good home.
And tomorrow morning you'll have
eight grand cash in your hand -
and for a motor
that does ten to the gallon.
Ah, you think you're upset.
How d'you think I feel about mine?
Look at it.
What do you reckon?
Well...
You got to be looking at 500 notes,
Arhtur.
Oh, come on, Wally.
This is Arthur, not Simple Simon.
Inflation.
All right.
I'll waive the commission on your motor
and we'll call it straight.
I can't start the work, Arthur.
I'm boracic.
Can't you claim the insurance
on this?
What, for a lamppost?
Two witnesses,
nine vodka and tonics?
I wouldn't get bail,
let alone insurance.
- Well, it's only a second car, isn't it?
- It's all money.
Here you are.
Here's a ton to get started.
But you've got to learn
some business sense, Wally.
Get investors.
Use other people's money.
That is what made this country
great.
Here, tell you what.
Let's make the next game
a bit more interesting.
You're good with the arrows.
Let's have a couple of quid on it.
- You on, Derek?
- Yeah, good idea.
What, a fiver?
A couple of quid?
Well, to tell you the truth,
I never play for money.
And I'll tell you for why.
You meet people,
and it's like in that film,
American bloke...
Paul Newman... about snooker.
He'd come to a place all innocent,
like, and get beaten,
and then as soon as money
was on the table,
lo and behold, he'd win.
Oh, you get that lot now.
Money only breeds animosity
in the end.
[KNOCKING]
[HORN PLAYS 'LA CUCARACHA']
♪ LOUD TRADITIONAL JAZZ
Wally?
It won't start.
[ENGINE REVS WILDLY]
- Are you winding us up?
- Pardon?
Look, are we having some money
on this or what?
- You've had a drink.
- I'll buy a drink.
Look, what's a couple of quid,
eh?
- I'll start you off for a couple.
- No, really. I don't want to.
I tell you what.
Say I played you.
I'd probably start and finish
a game...
..like this.
Been in the middle east
for four years, see?
We had a lot of spare time.
All we did was play darts.
- Arthur!
- Sherry.
Lunch?
Oh...
Arthur, come in.
I am sorry.
I forgot all about you.
Oh.
You shouldn't make arrangements
when I've had a few.
I'm at the club all afternoon.
I put off a business meeting
at the Hilton!
What?
- How's Terry?
- All right.
He was so sweet to me
last week.
Carried me up the stairs
and everything.
Ah. Yeah.
I drove the car, Sherry.
Oh yes, that's right.
And you said,
'Let's have lunch.'
Eh, something about... discussing
your little investments.
- Did I say that to you?
- Didn't you?
Well, I must have done.
Oh...
Working at that club's
doing me no good at all.
[SIGHTS] It's not that I drink a lot.
It's just that the place is so dark,
you can never see
what's in your glass.
What... What time
do you have to go there?
- Half-two.
- Well, I'll give you a lift.
Hang on, Arthur,
didn't we hit a lamp?
Oh, my car's not on the road now.
I'm driving something else.
Take a look out that window.
I'm selling it for Wally Brabham.
You'll have heard of the... famous
racing driver Sir Jack Brabham?
Is it that one that's done up
like a Christmas tree?
Ha, ha, ha! Customised,
Sherry. Customised.
[THUD]
- It just went bump.
- Ha, ha! What are you talking about?
Here, how about a cup of coffee
before we go?
OK.
- And Terry's well, you say?
- Yeah, yeah. Fine.
[KIDS' VOICES FROM OUTSIDE]
This client of mine, Sherry,
and I will not tell this
to many people,
Could be king one day.
Lord B.
Big collection of motor vehicles.
Need I say more?
Can't place him.
I'll drive you to work.
- Oh. Arthur.
- Yeah?
- I think I'd better call a minicab.
- Eh?
That's it.
Oh, that's lovely.
A nice smooth follow-through.
Ah. Couple of years in the Gulf
would improve your game no end.
- You going back there?
- Well, I don't know.
I had a plan
when I was out there,
to send all my money
to my mother to buy her house.
I've got some happy memories,
but I miss my home.
What are you doing?
- Standing on my head. What are you doing?
- Come here.
Hold on, hold on.
Arthur Daley,
Dafydd Evans. He's Welsh.
- Really.
- Yeah.
- Come here, come here.
- I'll see you in a minute.
Listen, listen.
Get Des
and a get towing truck,
and go to this address.
You find what's left
of Wally Brabham's motor,
and tell him I need a spare set
of wheels for the Stingray.
Get it to the garage
as soon as you can.
- He's going to need money, isn't he?
- Oh, Gawd, yeah.
He won't put the Daily Mirror down
without a tenner in his hand.
Look. There's 25.
Tell him that is to show good faith.
- All right.
- If he knows what that means.
- This is Bevin Street?
- That's right, yeah.
- Where are you going to be?
- Probably in intensive care.
Keep the streets nice and tidy,
wouldn't it?
Large VAT, please, Pat.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Um...
- That is Bevin Street, isn't it?
- Yes!
Isn't that where old
Sherry Whatshername lives?
- Well, I don't know.
- Yes, you do.
That Sherry bird who works
in the Napier Club.
We drove her home the other night.
We dropped...
Here...
- you didn't, did you?
- What?
- Been a little rascal, ain't you?
- I don't know what are you talking about!
I had a business appointment
in Bevin Street, and I parked
- in the only suitable place...
- It's all right, Arthur.
- I understand.
- There is nothing TO understand!
No, that's lovely.
I'm very pleased for you.
Oh, sorry, Dafydd.
I'll see you again, maybe.
- You off?
- Yeah, cheers.
Nice talking to you.
[BEEP]
- 'Oh, Mr Rice?'
- Oh, yes.
I'll put you through
to the estate office.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
- Yes?
- 'Arthur Daley here,
of Daley Holdings.
I'm ringing about the customised
Stingray for his lordship.
He's down in Sussex at the moment.
Is the car ready?
Well, Mr Rice,
I am absolutely furious.
I mean, if I tell you
I'm having it shipped from Scotland,
and then I say,
'British Rail',
I bet you know
what I'm going to say next.
Good Gawd!
No, no, sorry, Mr Rice...
Look, I've got my... people,
they are having a word with BR,
and apparently it's staking a side
at Hold'em. Old... Oldham.
Desmond?
I've got a job for you.
Hello.
- Des not here?
- No.
- When's he going to be back?
- About a fortnight.
He's in Benidorm
on his holidays.
He asked me to come down
and mind t'shop for him.
I thought, 'Well, why not?'
Things are quiet at home.
Ted Turton,
Turton Trucking, Bradford.
Ah. Terry McCann.
I'm a mate of Des's.
Listen, could you
pick up a motor for us?
- It's urgent.
- Sure.
- D'you want to go now?
- If you're not too busy, yeah. Smashing.
OK.
Let's hit t'road.
My rig's parked in t'next street.
And we're going to need
a set of wheels for a Stingray.
Now you're talking.
No, no, no.
No, I can't look.
Amazing.
- Taffy...
- It's Dafydd, actually.
Yeah.
I would like to tell you
that never in all my years
in the dart world
have I seen a talent like yours.
Are you involved in Darts,
Mr Daley?
Daley Holdings,
Sports and Leisure Pursuits.
We work with all the media people.
Kent Walton - I was with
him just the other day.
You know, um,
with the right sort of handling,
you could make
a tidy sum of money at darts.
No.
I never play for money.
It creates such ill feeling
between people, I think.
No, no, no,
you've got it all wrong, my son.
It's a highly respected sport now.
It's civilised.
It's on BBC2.
[DRILLING]
Oh my Gawd.
♪ ROCK'N'ROLL ON RADIO
[GROANS]
- Wow. That's one swell motor.
- Ai?
Always fancied a Yankee car
when I were a kid.
I love power steering.
They all drive with one hand
in America, you know.
What do they do
with the other one?
Just look casual.
They're more...
laid-back than we are.
♪ RADIO
D'you like Elvis?
Yeah, he's all right, yeah.
Some say I look a bit like him.
Can't see it myself.
No, no.
Dear oh Lord. Someone's given this
a right seeing-to, innit?
I bet it was kids.
In America they call this
a dude's car.
In England they call it
a bleeding write-off.
A large vodka and tonic, Dave,
and the phone.
Right.
- Here you are.
- Ta.
Oh, a bloke phoned
about some videotapes.
He left a number.
Oh, Gawd.
I'll call him later.
[DIALS]
[PHONE RINGS]
- Brabham Group.
- Hello, Wally, my son. It's Arthur.
Hello, Arthur.
Is she sold yet?
Um, not quite.
- Didn't he want her?
- He loved her. Will love her.
He wants me to drive her
down to his place.
Yeah, I've...
I've been invited for the weekend.
I'll have the lolly for you
when I get back.
- Yeah, but Arthur, I can drive...
- Hang on a second, Wally. Hang on.
Yes, officer?
I'll move it immediately.
I'm on a double yellow line.
I'll call you later.
- There you go.
- Yeah. Slate this one, will you, Dave?
[BANGS]
About that machine,
Arthur.
- Yeah?
- It never pays out.
The members
are starting to complain.
All right. All right.
I'll get a maintenance check done for you.
- Terry?
- What's wrong with Terry?
We are living in a
technological age, Arthur.
All Terry does
is give it a right-hander.
Oh!
Just had new wind horns fitted.
Type: La Cucaracha.
They're 24, 28 quid,
for a start.
They cost a fortune to run, these.
You can get into debt real fast
if you have one of these.
- Well?
- Oh, look at it!
- Where's Des?
- He's in Benidorm, on holiday.
- Ted's looking after the gaff.
- Ted Turton. I'm a pal of Des's.
Oh, yeah?
How much?
Well... [SUCKS TEETH]
What can I say?
If I can get the parts,
I reckon four to seven days' work
should see it back on the road.
Yeah. Yeah.
How much?
Well,
Yeah. Well, as I imagine
you know, Mr Durton,
Em... Des services
all my company cars.
So I automatically get a 20% discount.
I imagine he told you that.
Anyway, you'll find it in the book.
- He never mentioned it, actually.
- That is the arrangement.
Well, there's
so let's say for argument's sake,
- 1100...
- Less VAT for...
- cash.
- Cash, eh.
- Oh?
- Get off.
Well, call it 975.
Call it 975.
He's doing me a favour.
I'm afraid I'll need something
up front.
Eh?
In advance.
- You've already had 25 quid! Isn't he?
- Yeah!
That'll only cover the 1201.
- The what?
- Twelve-oh-one. It's a code.
All right, all right.
Here you are. There's a ton.
- That'll not go very far.
- All right.
Well, if you make it three,
I could really get stuck into it.
I mean, I got the wheels on account,
but there's a limit to it.
Yeah, I'm sure there is, but you see, I've got
slight a cash flow problem at the moment,
on account of being bled white
by members of the motor trade,
if you get my drift.
Treble 18.
Double 18.
[SNORTS]
Hey, Dave,
how would you like to come in
as his co-manager?
I reckon 300 quid could buy you
a piece of a future champion.
Do you know what your
bar slate adds up to, Arthur?
Eh?
£94.13.
Oh, Dave.
You should have said.
I'd be obliged if you could see
some of it off, Arthur.
Tell you what. There's a round 50.
I'll give you the rest next week.
Thank you very much, Arthur.
- Another one?
- Yeah. Cheers, yeah.
Lovely.
Yeah, what's all this geeing him up
about he's gonna make a fortune?
That lad is going to play in,
and win,
the finest darts tournament
this city has ever seen.
If Bob Hope can do it for golf,
I can do it for darts.
The Arthur Daley Pro-Am.
Have you gone cranky
or something?
I mean, what you know about darts,
you could write on the back of a stamp.
You can write what anyone knows
about darts on the back of a stamp!
Three arrows and a board!
Not exactly nuclear physics, is it?
Now look. Listen.
We put up a first prize of £1,000.
I thought you had
a cash flow problem.
Here you are, Terry.
Terry, Terry, Terry,
you do not use your own cash.
You charge three quid to enter.
Three quid buys you a chance
to win £1,000.
They'll be queuing ten deep.
We'll have at least 300 people.
That's 900 quid in the bin
for a start.
But he only plays for pleasure, doesn't he?
He won't play for money.
I am giving the boy a chance
to make something of himself.
What's he got to look forward
to in Wales?
The dole queue.
It is at times like these,
historically,
that great athletes
come to the fore -
hungry fighters.
There is no better time
than a recession
to find a boy like this.
I want some Californian's
wing-mirrows,
And Hi-Fi 5.0
synthesiser.
Oh, you'll find this
down there.
- At the end on the left.
- On the left.
Terry!
- Where's Arthur?
- Arthur?
Daley?
Oh, I don't know, mate.
He disappeared with my motor!
I phoned the Winchester,
went to his lockup - he's vanished.
Oh,
he'll be all right.
It's the motor, not Arthur,
I'm worried about.
I'm a bag of nerves.
I'm sure your car's in good hands.
He's spending the weekend
at some toff's place.
Here...
You don't think he's just vanished,
like that Lucan geezer do, eh?
I mean, you read about
these flash weekend parties,
they get a few girls in,
drugs, drink,
- and Bob's your uncle.
- Nah!
Nah, not Arthur.
He wouldn't have the energy.
- Do you like custom cars, Tel?
- No, not really.
What are you doing in here,
then?
Well... I say no,
but there's this little Datsun, you see,
that I wouldn't mind customising.
But I don't know whether I like
custom cars enough to customise it,
if you see what I mean.
Look, um...
I'll tell you what,
you go back to work and...
- I'll find Arthur for you, all right?
- I can't work!
He only gave me a ton.
That's gone on the new bonnet.
Yeah.
Look, um... tell you what.
- Cop some of this.
- Oh, no, Terry.
- I can't take your money.
- It's Arthur's.
Sort of.
You're a diamond, Terry.
A real jewel.
Image.
That is the name of the game.
Turn round, Daf.
Look at that.
Good boy Dafydd el D'Artagnan.
D'you get it, Dave?
Got two meanings, you see.
Dart as in darts,
and d'art, as in D'Artagnan.
- Your idea, Arthur?
- Yeah.
Very subtle...
[PHONE RINGS]
- Winchester Club.
- Eh, hey...
If that's the bloke about the videotapes,
I'm in Holland sorting it out.
Is Mr Daley in the club today?
There's a Little Freddie for him.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Hello, Freddie?
Where's the venue?
It's the Silver Rose Club.
What's the address?
Yeah, yeah...
But that's south London!
Yeah! But a lot of money
changes hands, Arthur.
Yeah, but south London?
Oh, all right.
Huh. South London!
Ha, ha, ha!
A lot of very wicked people,
Arthur.
Any news of Wally's car?
My client's getting anxious.
It'll be ready in a couple of days.
Ah. Good. Good.
- Did you get the Hi-Fi 5.0 synthesiser?
- I couldn't afford it.
I sent you out with 200 quids!
I had to give 100
to Wally Brabham, didn't I?
[BRAKES SQUEAL]
You don't go around
giving people money!
- You owe it to him.
- Only on paper!
Give us 5p.
He owes me commission
on the sale of his motor!
- You haven't sold it.
- He doesn't know that!
Oh...
Well. Here. 5p.
Hey, come on. What's going on?
Get out of there.
- Come on. Get out of there.
- [KIDS PROTEST]
Go on, go on.
Not so much of your lip.
Bloody vandals.
- How are you feeling, sunshine?
- All right, like, you know...
A bit nervous.
I don't want to let Mr Daley down.
No, Wally. I'm still down
at his lordship's place.
Here, Wally, Wally,
did, um,
did Terry give you the 100 quid
I asked him to bring over to you?
Oh, he did. Good. Good.
Excellent.
Negotiations for your motor.
Wally, you would not believe.
This is the first chance I've had
to get to the telephone.
He's made me feel ambitious.
He reckons I'll be good enough
to play for Wales.
He says the sky's the limit.
Well, it's a long way up
over south London, son.
A bleeding long way.
Wally, Wally, I have to go now -
the just bashed the dinner gong.
See you!
[SIGHS]
I'm about as stretched
as I want to be at the moment.
Yeah, but it's only money,
isn't it?
And you know what God thinks
about money, don't you?
Eh?
You can tell by the people
he gives it to.
[CHUCKLES]
[BUZZ OF CONVERSATION]
Number 20.
The Silver Rose Club?
It's just a big boozer.
- Yes?
- We, ah, we got a competitor.
£2.
We pay 1001 here
on a straight knockout basis.
One game, sudden death.
If you reach the final,
it's 200 for the winner,
I'm required to tell you
that no betting is allowed
on the premises.
- You know anybody?
- Not a soul, no.
You're on
when they call your number.
- You all right?
- 1001?
I thought we'd be playing 501.
- Tell me.
- No, it isn't darts, Mr Daley.
You play 501
over several legs.
As you know, as a game,
it favours the skilled player.
- Go on.
- 1001 is a game of chance, like.
Especially if you're
a slow starter, like I am.
A slow starter?
I usually need at least one game
to get into my stride, so to speak.
Playing one game,
sudden death -
it'll all be over in five minutes.
I tell you what. Come over here.
You need some practice.
Number 21.
All right, Freddie.
Where's the clever money going, eh?
- What's wrong with backing your lad?
- He tells me he's a late starter.
I hire him a motor, buy him a shirt.
'I'm a late starter, Mr Daley.'
Well, he'd be better waiting
for the 501, wouldn't he?
Now keep this under your hat.
You see that fellow over there?
They brought him in from East Ham.
Name of Tommy.
They got him down as having no chance
of passing the first round.
So why's a quiet 700 quid gone on
from various quarters,
saying he'll win the semifinals
and lose the finals?
That's your clever bet, Arthur.
Watch that bookie.
- They call him the Juggler.
- Oh yeah?
They used to call me
the Wizard of Oz.
Ta.
- What are the odds for Tommy?
- Threes.
- Fours?
- Seven to two.
All right. Tenner.
I'm glad
you're here with me, Terry.
A couple of Celts
together, like.
Pardon?
McCann.
Irish, isn't it?
Oh, Celts! Yeah!
Yeah, I see what you mean.
Look at that.
Come on, Tommy!
Go on!
[MURMURS]
Number 25.
- That's me!
- Don't worry.
Just do your best.
That's all anybody can ask.
- Going to have a bet on him?
- No, no, no. I don't think I will.
No?
I'm going to do a fiver.
- Mm.
- Us Celts got to stick together.
- Get us a lager, will you?
- Celts?
Half of lager, please,
love.
Here we go.
Ah. 140.
- He's good, this geezer, isn't he?
- Yeah.
Nah, Dafydd'll do it.
He's all right.
[Go on, my son. You can do it.]
- 180!
- He's there!
Come on!
Up the Celts!
- [SHOUTS IN WELSH]
- Do what, son?
Hold on,
he's down to a finish, ain't he?
Three 15s. That's 45...
He needs a bull.
Come on.
Get that bull, Daffy.
He's only done it, hasn't he?
Ha-ha-ha, look at that!
He's got the bull! Woo-hoo!
Little Welsh wizard!
Come on, son, you've got to have
a bet on him now. He's winning.
I am not here to bet.
I'm here to watch
the boy's throwing action,
weigh up his potential,
his response to a crowd.
You're skint, ain't you?
Don't be silly.
Winnings.
Celts.
Bloody Welsh Celts.
- Who are they?
- I don't know.
They're working together,
I'd put money on it.
There's a Welsh kid
and a bloke called Kevin.
He's the one that beat Tommy
in the first round.
Tommy! I take weeks to get
a decent price on him as a no-hoper.
And when I finally manage it,
that's exactly what he turns out to be!
- Point these two out.
- Right.
There.
That's the Welsh one.
Him with Dart...
Dartington on his shirt.
And that's the Kevin one.
Hey. Look at that, see?
They're a team, Eddie.
- He's Charlie's, isn't he?
- Yeah.
You reckon either of these two
could beat him?
- I reckon they both could beat him.
- That's it, innit?
If they knock Charlie out
and reach the finals,
they decide who's going to win,
and they'll lay that to stitch us up.
Get that Welsh over here.
You... get over there
and have a word with Kevin.
[MURMURS]
Right.
I'll say this once.
I represent the winner
of this tournament.
Now,
unless you want
to crawl out of here on stumps,
I suggest you pack your gear
and get the bus home.
I'm sorry?
- I really don't know what you mean.
- It is not discussion on it!
Hold on.
What's occurring here?
- Terry, this bloke says...
- Are you with him?
- Yeah.
- Both of you - out! Now!
I don't want see your boats
down here again.
You want to play darts?
Play at home.
We're trying to make a living
out of this.
Your lad and the other one
you've got in here are a bit too good.
- Hold on. What other one?
- Don't give me that! Off! Away!
- What about my coat?
- Go and get it.
You.
Go with him.
Come on, then.
What's all this about?
Nobody tries to stitch me up.
Stitch you...
No, you've got it all wrong, pal.
I didn't get where I am
by being wrong.
Where you are?
A south London boozer?
Hardly Al Capone, is it?
You came down to make a few bob.
That's right.
- Here. Nice darts, son. Well done.
- Oh. Thanks very much. Thanks a lot.
- No hard feelings, all right?
- No. Thank you.
Ahh! Ahh!
A-ahh!
What's occurring here?
Wanna stitch something up,
stitch that up!
Oh, you scum!
Dafydd!
Out of it!
Terry!
Terry, leave it!
Terry!
Get out of here!
You scum!
Why, Terry?
Pennies, that's why.
Pennies.
I didn't know that was
going to happen, didn't I?
Still going to get him on telly,
are you?
Introduce him to your mate
Kent Walton? Huh.
You were quite happy
willing to win a few bob on him.
I'm putting on a pro-am
and I've lost my ace card.
Panic over.
I don't have to have an op or anything.
A few days
should see it better.
Thank Gawd
for the National Health service.
Come over here, Mr Evans.
I'll need a signature.
Listen, are you sure
you're all right?
Yeah. Not all the wild animals
are in the zoo, though, are they?
Human nature.
My God.
I'll put a name and address
for you.
That's all right.
I can manage.
- Look how he's writing!
- Eh? Yeah.
Ambidextrous.
Picked that up in the desert
as well.
- So you can still throw the...
- Yeah.
Somebody up there likes me.
Just as well, innit?
Cos no-one down here does.
Oh. Nice and warm down there.
Full house.
Good.
There are only three more competitors,
though.
Three?
But that makes only 20!
I was expecting 300!
What's the matter with people?
Don't they want to win money any more?
A geezer downstairs was saying
there's a big tournament in Las Vegas.
Worth 15 grand.
Apparently, they're all over there.
Bloody Yanks.
They're in on everything.
Come on, have a word with young Dafydd.
He's looking rather tense.
- It's nerves, innit?
- He's not exactly match fit air, is he?
Whhh, whhh...
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I welcome you all to the
Arthur Daley Pro-Am Darts Tournament.
and this is what
you are all playing for.
£1,000.
This crystal box
will be placed above the bar
for the duration of the tournament.
And round about six or seven
this evening,
we'll know
who the lucky winner is.
But I would...
But I would just like to say this.
This old game of darts of ours
isn't only about winning.
It's about... the ordinary Joe
coming along
with his arrows in his hand
and his heart full of hope,
and trying
to play the game.
He ain't going to sing
I Did it My Way, is he?
♪ CAR HORN: La Cucaracha
Sorry about the wait!
But you know what these lords
are like about time.
Hey!
You will be paying me today,
though, won't you?
When my client gets here,
we'll all be paid.
OK. Swell.
[PHONE RINGS]
Arthur Daley.
Oh, Mr Rice.
How nice to hear your voice.
Pardon?
Well, that's handsome, innit?
Handsome.
He has my motor all this time!
I borrowed money to finish his heap.
Now Renee's found a bungalow
in Eastbourne,
and the whole thing's up the spout
cos a polo pony
puts the toff in hospital!
Doh re bloody mi.
He's there! He's done it!
Well done, my son. Whoo!
- Oh, thank you.
- Hard luck, mate.
- Here you are. Have a little cuff.
- Thanks.
One step nearer the final, isn't it?
Maybe.
What are you
talking about, maybe?
I don't know, Terry. I don't feel right.
I'm not on top of my game.
Some of these blokes look good,
don't they?
Don't worry about them.
Listen. You've got to think like a winner,
and you're halfway there.
Think like a loser,
you might as well pack up now.
This is your corner talking.
And from one Celt to another,
sod the hand
and win that first prize
for your mum in Wales.
I've got two gross ladies' tights.
I can knock 'em out to you for...
Pardon?
Eh?.. Oh, you don't?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Fair enough, Morris. Fair enough.
You're not looking for a car,
by any cha...
No, you're not.
OK. Fine, fine.
Me?
Oh, in the pink, as ever.
[PHONE RINGS]
Terry? Phone.
Cheers.
- Hello?
- 'It's me.'
Look, get the spare dartboards.
- Hold on, hold on. Where are you?
- Upstairs!
Get the boards we haven't used,
and take 'em back.
- What, now?
- Yes, now! Get the deposit and a refund.
Meet me at the lockup.
And it's urgent!
All right, all right.
Keep your hair on.
[PHONE RINGS]
[SOUND OF CHILDREN PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
- Hello?
- You had anyone in about my car?
It's only been out
a couple of hours, Mr Daley.
'What's it in at?'
I'm trying to you a right price.
You've had a bit of bad luck,
so I stuck it in at 2250.
'My Gawd, I said sell it,
not give it away.'
Well, you said a quick sale.
I can put the price higher
if you want.
No, no, no. Leave it.
Just sell the flaming thing.
'OK.
Have a nice day now.'
The result of the draw
for the semifinal is:
Big Bri Walsh v Baz,
and D'Artagnan v Ron Billingham
of the Royal Oak.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
Mission Control here.
Pat,
what's happening your end?
Oh, they're playing like demons.
We're in the semifinal.
What, already?
Gawd, is that the time?
- Who's still in?
- A bloke called Baz,
one called Billingham,
Big Bri,
- and your lad still.
- Is he winning?
He's two games in front.
Oh, hang on... No he's not.
No, he is not.
Pat!
Pat, what's happening?
He's three games up now.
Oh, he's a great lad
you've got there.
Yeah, yeah, better than I thought.
Here, Pat?
That machine I had put
in the bar for you...
..don't you still owe me 50 quid
on that?
Well, um,
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll deduct that from what you owe me
for the hire of the room, Arthur.
- 'That OK?'
- Yeah, yeah. Fair enough, Pat.
I'll be down later.
See you.
What's going on, then?
Look. I don't suppose
you've ever seen one of these before.
That is an income tax form,
year ended April 1976.
I had Her Majesty's Mafia
round here last week, pay up or else.
Bloody liberty.
Look at that. Look at that.
It's an order for £3,000 worth
of videotapes,
£1,500 paid in advance.
I've got a client who'll pay
five grand for that lot.
Where are they?
In a customs shed at Amsterdam airport.
- Blue movies?
- Certainly not!
And you want to know the final
coup de grace, the stab in the back?
The car deal's off!
Hasn't really been your week,
has it, mate?
I tell you, Terry,
I really believe... it's cosmic.
It's what?
There's an unseen hand
at work in the life of Arthur Daley.
Oh, come on, don't give me all that bunny.
I know you.
My business is like the sea!
It's all ebb and flow!
Look. What I'm trying to say is...
the tide is out.
I haven't got the prize money.
- You're skint?
- No. Embarrassed.
I mean, Arthur Daley short of a grand?
It's ridiculous.
Peanuts!
I've always got one grand!
I never move without one grand
in cash!
Except today.
- Arthur.
- What?
Well, if you haven't got
the prize money,
what's in that plastic box
on Pat's bar?
Seven tenners and a toilet roll.
[CHEERING]
♪ Big Bri can do it
Big Bri can do it
♪ Ee-i-addio
♪ Big Bri can do it
♪ Big Bri can do it
Big Bri can do it
♪ Ee-i-addio, Big Bri can do it
[CHEERING]
- Did you get it?
- Yeah.
That's 108 quid.
That's all I've got, anywhere, right?
I won't forget this, Terry.
I really won't.
- Don't worry, I won't let you.
- Come on.
Dafydd's in the final.
Amazing, isn't it?
Yeah, that's my boy.
It's him and Big
Bri from Edgware.
- That Big Bri's lot?
- Yeah.
Oh, well.
The old firm.
What?
You and me,
against the world. Again.
- [CHANTING CARRIES ON]
- Oh, yeah.
♪ Big Bri can do it
Big Bri can do it
♪ Ee-i-addio
Big Bri'll do it!
Ladies and gentlemen!
Now, the moment you've all been waiting for.
The grand final
of the Arthur Daley Pro-Am.
And to those of you
who didn't get this far,
in the words of the bard,
you can't win 'em all.
I present, from Edgware, London,
Big Bri Walsh.
[CHEERING]
And from the green, green valleys
of Cardiff,
Dafydd D'Artagnan Evans!
[CHEERING]
Your caller for this game,
Mr Ronnie Clark.
Please to order, please.
Thank you.
Big Bri to throw first.
Game on.
Hey, get an iron
and an ironing board, will you?
Do what?
Well, look at your money!
It looks like something the cat ate.
- You don't have to have it!
- And get the entry fees from Pat. 60 quid.
[CHEERING]
- What about the money in the box?
- Yeah, I counted that.
[PHONE RINGS]
Arthur Daley.
Yeah, yeah, all right, Ted.
What's happened?
Nothing.
No, no, don't try on Monday.
The car is now off the market.
Because I need the money tonight,
that's why.
- Well, that's it.
- No, no, no.
You'd better hold on there, pal.
If you don't get that money tonight,
they'll pull this place
apart, and us with it.
Well, there's only one place left,
the place I make it a rule
never to go...
my own doorstep.
[PHONE RINGS]
Winchester Club.
Hello, Arthur.
How's your luck?
[CHEERING]
He's never going to do this,
not with his left hand.
I said he wasn't match fit.
Come on, Dafydd!
Come on, my son.
Mind the shop, will you?
I'm going out.
Now, if Dafydd can pull one back,
he's still in with a chance.
- Whoo! Up the Celts!
- Terry, please.
Dave. If there had been
any other way...
I know, Arthur.
I know. I...
- I managed 500.
- Oh, Dave, what can I say?
- You could give me a receipt, Arthur.
- Oh, yeah, of course.
- How are things going for our side?
- Don't know, Dave.
It's not looking too good
at the moment.
If our lad doesn't win this one,
it's all over.
See the bookie over there?
- What, the long geezer?
- Yeah.
Don't let him leave
without seeing me first.
Yeah, all right. Yeah.
[CHEERING]
Sorry...
Excuse me. Cheers.
[CHEERING]
♪ Big Bri's good
♪ Ee-i-addio
♪ Big Bri's good
Bri, you require 4.
- Come on, my son!
- Go on, Bri!
- Come on, Bri!
- Come on, boy!
[CHEERING]
Match to Big Bri!
I'll explain later.
I'll explain later.
Go and take care of Dafydd.
He looks disappointed.
Walk this way, my son.
Thanks.
Hard luck, Dafydd.
Still, you can't win 'em all, can you?
- Sorry, Terry. I let the side down.
- Of course you haven't!
If my hand heals up,
I'm sure I could win for Mr Daley.
Look.
Just forget that, will you?
They cut your hand,
next thing they break your heart.
Honest, you don't want
to be mixed up with all this
ducking and diving for a living.
It ain't you.
What you want to do
is go back to Wales
and tell your old mum you can beat
'em all up here with your left hand.
She'll be proud of you.
Nice to have somebody be proud
of you, isn't it?
Huh.
Yeah, I suppose it is.
[SIGHS]
Maybe you're right.
I am.
I know I am, believe me.
Now, come on.
Cheer up and have a glass.
- Well done, Arthur.
- Cheers, Dave.
What's all that?
Oh, I see.
Why didn't you tell me?
What?
What was all that rubbish
about the old firm and all that!
No, don't go on, don't go on!
Look, you got your money back.
Dave didn't even
have to part with his!
Ooh, Dafydd...
there you are, my son.
- Second prize.
- Oh.
- And a bonus!
- Thank you very much.
Funny, really, isn't it?
If you'd won that final, my son,
you wouldn't have got a penny,
and I'd still be 700 quid
in debt to Ted and Wally,
to say nothing of the 250
I'd already given the bookie.
Oh, well, it's all swings
and roundabouts, isn't it?
No, hold on.
- Where's this 250 come into it?
- That's the bet I had on Big Bri,
at one o'clock this afternoon,
odds of 15-2.
I couldn't resist, eh, could I?
First bet of the day.
Are you diddle-oh or something?
What if about the two other geezers
had got into the final?
We would have been
on a very sticky wicket, Terry.
WE?
Ah, you'll never understand,
will you?
It's the risk element
that makes it all worthwhile.
You see, some people
they go through life
walking down the middle of the road.
To them,
that is life's highway.
But that is not my way.
Ah, the cliff edge is
where you'll find me,
taking the risks,
dreaming the dreams...
DENNIS WATERMAN:
"I Could Be So Good For You"
♪ If you want to
I'll change the situation
♪ Right people right time
♪ Just the wrong location
♪ I've got a good idea
♪ Just you keep me near,
I'll be so good for you
♪ I could be so good for you,
I'm gonna help you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ I'll do anything for you ooh-ooh
♪ I'll be so good for you
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ I'll do it like you want me to
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ There ain't nothing
I can't go through ooh-ooh
♪ I'll be so good for you ♪
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