♪ I could be so good for you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ Love you like you want me to... ♪
- Good, innit?
- As long as you keep up the payments.
- Come on!
- Hold on, hold on.
Are you gonna tell me
what this is all about or what?
Told you.
Some kind of celebration.
What's the matter,
don't you want a free lunch? [LAUGHTS]
Lunch is for the middle classes.
I have dinner.
[CAMERA LENS CLICKS]
- Thanks ever so.
- It's a pleasure, madam.
- That was nice of him, wasn't it?
- I ain't sure.
- [LAUGHTS] What a waste.
- Expect his dad thinks so, yeah.
Now come on, are you gonna tell me
what this is all about?
Yep. Hang on.
Given up the stripping game.
Gone into business
for myself.
Deborah Mitchell, eh?
Hairdresser, manicurist... and facials.
All private like.
Visiting clients in their own homes.
Stuck a couple of ads in the local.
Got a terrific response.
Great, innit?
Yeah. Well,
beats digging ditches.
Beats having old men leering
at you an' all.
Do you know anything
about that?
Trained for it when I left school,
didn't I?
I've got certificates
and diplomas.
- Funny, innit?
- What is?
I dunno... I've known you for so long,
I can't imagine you doing anything else.
I'm not all t*ts and bum,
you know, Terry?
Ah. I don't mean that.
There's quite a few things
you don't know about me.
- There probably is, yeah.
- Well? Aren't you pleased for me?
Yeah, I think it's smashing. And that's why
I'm gonna by YOU a meal.
No, I said my treat.
- I mean it.
- Macho man time, is it?
That's right, yeah.
I'm not having you buy me meals.
Oh, tell you what though.
I ain't got much dough, so...
if you pay for it now,
I'll give you the money later. Alright?
Tell you what,
I'll make a deal with you.
- What?
- I'll buy lunch,
- you take me out tonight.
- Yeah, all right.
Oh,
don't like that one much.
Oh, it's quite good.
Of me.
Conceited sod!
[LAUGHTS]
Oh, dear, all this brandy,
all this food...
I might have to have a lie-down
this afternoon.
I'm a beautician now,
you know.
Yeah, but how can you do jury service
when you've got form?
What, a bit of petty years ago?
Don't mean a thing nowadays.
Do you know,
it is estimated
that one person in three
in this country
will cop a conviction for something
or other during their lifetime?
- No!
- Yeah.
[TUTS MOCKINGLY]
The whole moral fabric of society
is falling down
around our earholes, I tell you.
Yeah.
I mean, I do not know
what the world is coming to, Arthur.
Very droll, Terrence.
Very droll.
Is there anything for in
these boxes?
Yeah. See-through yashmaks
for liberated Moslem ladies.
D'you know, Harrods are punting them
at twice the price I'm asking.
Tell me he's kidding, someone.
I wish I was.
They're very hard to shift.
Hey, listen,
you're gonna have to look after things
while I'm away doing my bit
for the cause of justice.
- Like what?
- Well, keep an eye on this place.
Maybe punt a bit of gear.
You can manage that,
can't you?
Yes, I think... I think
I can manage that enough to... to...
Don't get lemon. I don't want
any agg while I'm out of the way.
- Your books are all right, aren't they?
- Books? What have books got to do with it?
In case the tax or the VAT men
decide to have
- a little visit.
- Terry, not those words, please. Please.
They went round to see Dave
a little while ago, didn't they?
No, Terry, please.
Nothing wrong is there, Arthur?
Yeah, Arf attack.
[LAUGHS]
Arf attack.
Arthur attack.
[CHUCKLES]
- That's good, innit?
- [ARTHUR COUGHS]
So you're gonna stand it, then?
There's nothing to stand.
Looking forward to it, as a matter of fact.
I don't know that I'd have had it.
Eh?
- Well. It's like grassing, innit?
- How do you mean?
You decide when you gonna send
some poor b*stard down the road.
No, no. It's simple.
If it's one of your own kind
it's a not-guilty, innit?
If on the other hand
it's a nonce in the dock,
who's been getting at kids, then it's
into the shovel and plenty of porridge.
Mr Wong h* Ling.
Mr Arthur Edward Daley.
Mr Leroy Winston White.
Miss April Carter.
Tell me, where did you get
that lovely tan from?
- Hawaii.
- Really?
Yeah, really marvellous it was.
As each member of the jury rises
to be sworn, you may challenge.
Do you understand?
Yes, sir.
The jury usher
will now take the oath.
I just want you to stay close to him
while I'm busy.
Why's that, guv?
Because he's just started
working out of this station
and I want to know
what he gets up to.
His reputation
has preceded him.
The man is a zealot.
He'd nick one of US
given half a chance.
Larry!
I was...
just telling our Welsh friend here,
if there's any kind of assistance you need
over the next few days, he's your man.
Just till you get your feet under the table
settle in, you know.
Thank you, Alfred.
I'll bear that in mind.
Arthur Edward Daley.
No challenge, Your Honour.
- Please read from the card.
- No need, my dear.
I swear by Almighty God
I will faithfully try
the several issues joined
between our sovereign lady,
Queen, and the defendant,
and give a true verdict
according to the evidence.
You haven't served on a jury before,
have you, Mr Daley?
No, my lord,
but having heard the oath five times...
what you might call
a retentive memory.
- That's a refreshing facility.
- Thank you, My Lord.
All right, you may sit down.
- Thank you, My Lord.
- Leroy Winston White.
Eh. Do you have many male clients,
Deborah?
Oh, yeah, loads.
Oh, I...
I just wondered.
I mean, it's er... the first time
I've had this sort of thing.
Really?
You'd be surprised.
A lot of gentlemen
have it done at home.
- Oh, you make it sound rather naughty.
- Do I?
Nothing naughty about it,
Mr Parsons.
You've got to take a mature attitude
over this sort of thing, Joe.
I mean, what's a bit of gear?
Everybody has to do a bit of
ducking and diving these days,
- life being what it is.
- Yeah.
Let him who lobs the first stone...
Know what I mean?
Yeah, I take your point, Arthur.
Take your point.
Take that bit of verbal
the police shoved in.
- I mean, who'd have thought for a mo...
- Well, well!
- If it isn't the bold Arthur.
- Oh.
'Ere, Mr Chisholm.
Business acquaintance, Joe.
I'll see you inside.
Oh, right, Arthur, yeah.
Nice to meet you.
Well, they er...
keeping you busy, Mr Chisholm?
What are you doing here, Arthur?
Up on one, are you?
[CHUCKLES] Me?
No, no, no.
You know me, Mr Chisholm.
I keep well away from villainy.
No, no, no,
I've just had a lunch break.
I'm er...
doing jury service.
Jury service?!
You?!
A few misdemeanours
in the dim and distant past
do not disqualify me.
They must be more desperate
for bodies than I thought
- to let YOU through.
- Uncalled for, Mr Chisholm.
Uncalled for.
I'm a law-abiding citizen
- serving my queen and country.
- Bullshit, Arthur.
- What court are you in, anyway?
- Four.
- Four?
- Mm.
It's very interesting, actually.
But the prosecution don't seem to have a
very strong case.
I can't talk about it,
you understa-
Are you all right,
Mr Chisholm?
And the exhibits
you see before you.
Do you identify them as
the same garments you found hidden
- in the defendant's flat?
- With respect, Your Honour,
the witness has made
no mention of the garments
being "hidden"
in the flat.
Well, as I understand it,
Mr Notting,
there is no dispute
that the garments in evidence
- are part of the stolen consignment.
- That is so, Your Honour.
Then I cannot see
what possible difference it makes
whether they were hidden or not.
There were there,
and that is not in dispute.
Indeed, Your Honour,
but with respect,
- it is a question of implication.
- Mr Notting,
the garments were found
in the defendant's flat.
That is a fact.
This is not a seminar on semantics.
As you wish,
Your Honour.
You're a very attractive young lady,
if I may say so.
Thank you.
I suppose all your male clients
make the same observation.
Nice place you've got here.
Have you lived here long?
Yes.
Yes,
I suppose I have.
- Deborah, I don't suppose...
- What, Mr Parsons?
I mean, eh...
is this the extent of your, er...
- services?
- Fraid so.
It's all I'm really qualified for,
you see.
Well, perhaps you ought to consider
extending your repertoire.
Like, er...
Oh, I don't know,
personal massage?
That sort of thing?
I'm sure it would pay well.
Oh! [WINCES]
Sorry, Mr Parsons.
You sort of distracted me.
It was at this point
I arrested the defendant,
charged him with the offence
of handling stolen goods.
And did he make a reply?
- He did, sir.
- And that was?
He said,
"This is a right fit-up.
I had nothing to do with it.
Ask my mum."
"Ask my mum."
I see.
[CLEARS THROAT]
- Yes, Mr...?
- Eh... Daley, Your Lordship.
Arthur Edward Daley.
Yes, Mr Daley, what is it?
A point of clarification,
Your Lordship.
The term "fit-up" -
I think I heard it used recently
in a television documentary
concerned with
police malpractice.
Would I be correct in assuming
that it means
corruptly falsifying
the evidence against the innocent?
You would indeed, Mr Daley.
And while it is commendable
to concern yourself with detail,
I would remind you
that it is customary
for members of the jury
to sit,
listen,
and absorb the evidence
and not to interrupt
the proceedings.
I hope I make myself clear.
Perfectly, Your Lordship.
My Worship.
Are you sure
you won't change your mind, Deborah?
Sorry, Mr Parsons.
Nothing personal.
But it's like I said.
I'm only qualified in certain things.
But what if I were to say that...
[GLASS SMASHES]
What was that?
I don't know.
You'd better wait here.
I'll go and find out.
Got it, got it.
There you are.
[GROANS]
[DOOR SLAMS]
The door!
- The door!
- No!
[CAR ENGINE ROARS]
[CAR DRIVES OFF AT SPEED]
It was a lady.
She got away.
All right, all right,
don't panic.
She's only left a calling card.
Right, let's get out of here
before she phones the Old Bill.
All right, all right.
- I bet Chisholm was well pleased.
- You should have seen his face.
- Sick as a parrot.
- I used to think I was a parrot.
- BOTH: But I'm all right now.
- I used to think I was a parrot
BOTH: But I'm all right now.
- I used to...
- All right, Dave, all right.
I don't think you ought
to upset Chisholm.
Now bloody right.
The last time he did,
I ended up in the dock.
Remember?
Eh.
Another drink, anyone?
- Yeah, I'll have one.
- No.
I'll tell you what though.
Eh...
I've got a little dinner date
later on. Um...
Terry, you know me -
generous to a fault.
If it was for something sensible
like a new pair of shoes,
I would gladly
let you have the money.
- But to blow on a bird like that...
- A bird like what?
- A bird like who?
- That stripper bird, you know.
Yeah, and she's got a name,
you know. Debbie.
He's only trying to get into me for 30 sovs
to take her out!
- Tell him, Dave, will you?
- Well...
No, YOU tell me.
All right, Terence, all right,
no need for aggression.
I am simply questioning the logic
of you getting into debt
for a girl
you don't need to spend money on.
Dave knows what I mean.
Don't you, Dave?
- No.
- Oh.
Now listen, just cos she's done
a bit of stripping,
don't mean to say
that she is a slag!
And don't mean she's been
treated like one either, got it?
- Ow. Very touchy, aren't we?
- Yeah!
Ain't you never heard of romance,
Arthur?
- Oh, like that, is it?
- No, it's not like that.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Look, Arthur, you...
you still haven't told us
about that court case.
Love to, Dave.
- Taken the oath, haven't I?
- Oh, gawd.
Mustn't discuss it with anyone
outside the jury room.
The fellow in the Father Christmas gear
made that very clear.
A man's very liberty
could hang in the balance
if I,
or any one of those 11 other
good men and true,
betray
that sacred trust.
Geezer up for receiving clobber.
Part of a lorry load.
Seems like a nice boy.
- Has he... got any chance?
- Not on the evidence so far.
But that is no reason
why he shouldn't be given
- the benefit of the doubt, Dave, is it?
- Course not, Arthur.
Look. Listen, are you gonna lend me
that dough or not?
Look, Terry.
I have stated my situation on that.
No, no, look, look.
While you're busy upholding justice,
- you want me to look after the shop.
- That is something entirely different.
- That is a business arrangement.
- Yeah. Yeah.
And part of that business arrangement
is I'm on wages.
So I want a sub now!
Here you are, there's a score.
That is all the market can bear.
Generous to a fault, he says.
[SCOFFS]
I'm off for seeing you.
You might at least buy us a drink
now you're holding folding.
[GROANS]
I think you've upset him.
Me?!
How?
Looks like the safe's been emptied,
guv.
Oh, my God.
- Have anything of great value in it?
- Course I bloody did!
What do you think
a safe's for?!
That b*tch had some to do with this.
She must've set the whole thing up!
But... But I didn't!
I was out getting the cops.
Where did you get hold
of that?
You've known the lady
quite some time, I believe.
Listen. Nothing's happened to her, has it?
She hasn't been hurt?
No! Nothing like that's
happened, Terry.
I will conduct this interview,
if you don't mind, Jones.
Yes, sir.
Now what? What's happening?
What is this, eh?
This is an interview.
I'm conducting an investigation
into a robbery
that took place
yesterday afternoon.
Debbie hasn't been robbed,
has she?
Well, has she?
Where were you
at 5:00pm yesterday, McCann?
No, no, no, mate.
No.
I'm not getting involved
in any interrogation
till I know what's going on,
right?
Still on a suspended
for shop-lifting, I see.
Oh, leave it out. That was
a right fit-up, and he knows it.
Oh, really?
It's pathetic how often you villains
use that excuse this days.
Let's stop tissing around,
shell we?
Where were you yesterday
around five?
I don't know.
Eh.
As it happens, I do know.
I was doing some work
for a mate of mine.
Name of this mate?
It was Arthur, weren't it?
Mr Arthur Daley.
Know this Arthur Daley,
do we, Jones?
We know him, aye.
But he wouldn't get involved
in anything like this.
Like what?
That remains to be seen,
doesn't it?
So, following your raid
on my client's flat,
and the subsequent surveillance
on those premises,
he never once returned.
Is that correct?
Well,
we never saw him.
Did you try and locate him
elsewhere?
We made inquiries, yes.
- But failed to find him.
- That is correct, sir.
In fact, it was something like
a fortnight later, was it not,
when Mr Smith,
of his own volition,
arrived at the police station
to inquire
as to why you were looking for him.
With his lawyer,
yes.
A normal precaution
any sensible person would take
under the circumstances,
is it not?
That would depend
upon your point of view, I suppose.
I suggest to you
that anyone who has anything to hide,
especially from the police,
would not arrive on their doorstep
to volunteer a statement.
You might call it
a statement, sir,
I would say it was... a story more suitable
as a Walt Disney fantasy.
Sergeant Chisholm, you know better
than to make a remark like that.
I'm sorry, Your Honour.
What do you reckon?
Well, she's got to come home
sometime.
- Shall we hang about?
- Yeah, it could do.
She probably
didn't even report it.
Well, she got a good look
at us both.
- Do you want to risk it?
- Nah.
Right then, get in.
Oh, this is bleeding ridiculous!
All it is is a lock-up, right?
Where he keeps a few bits and pieces.
I mean, he needs it.
I mean, he's in trading,
in't he?
It's all legit and above board,
in't it, Mr Jones?
How would I know, Terry?
That's lovely, innit?
Thanks a million, pal.
Cor dear!
Do you seriously expect the jury
to believe
that you met a man in a pub,
this elusive Scouse Billy,
a man who you yourself say
you hadn't seen in over 20 years,
and said he could stay in your flat
while you went off...
But that's the truth!
On my granny's eyesight.
The standard oath will suffice,
Mr Smith.
Leaving aside this preposterous alibi
of yours for the moment,
do you make a habit of letting out
your flat to comparative strangers,
- Mr Smith?
- Not if I can help it.
Too many thieves about,
ain't there?
[LAUGHS]
[GAVEL BANGS]
Silence!
This is not a music hall, Smith.
Any more facetious remarks like that
and I shall hold you
in contempt of court.
Sorry, M'lord.
I ain't trying to be funny.
I mean, I'm right on offer 'ere,
aren't I?
On offer?!
Never mind, answer the question.
What question was that, m'lord?
[CHUCKLES] Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
Very nice.
Very interesting.
It's all legit.
Arthur's got
some receipts somewhere, hold on.
I don't know where he keeps them.
He's probably taken them home or something.
Tell me,
where precisely
at this moment in time
is this friend of yours,
Arthur Daley?
As a matter of fact, he's in court.
On jury service.
Jury service.
Really?
Yes, really.
Not taking a piss of me,
McCann?
I think it's for you to check,
is it?
Of Sergeant Chisholm,
it's one of his cases
Bloody hell...
What a fight.
I can hardly believe it myself,
guv.
I mean
it can't be right, can it?
Right? Right?!
Of course it's not bloody right!
It's the system.
A system
I'm seriously beginning to believe
is conspiring
against me personally.
What have I done?
Why me? Why me?!
No good getting paranoid about it,
is there?
Paranoid.
Who's been saying I'm getting
paranoid? Who?
- Come on, who?
- Not me, guv.
Not me.
I want to ask you something.
It's a serious question.
Do you think it's possible
to be haunted by someone
when they're still alive?
Well,
if it's Arthur Daley you're talking about,
I've got some news
you might be interested in.
Be upstanding for His Honour.
Going on a bit, isn't it?
I don't suppose you'd like
to join Joe and me for a drink
across at the er...?
No, no,
probably prefer tea.
Takeaway.
Now let me get this right.
There's a tie-up,
and the victim is a jeweller
claiming a 20-grand loss?!
That's right.
And the girl
Soames thinks set it up
- is a friend of Terry McCann's?!
- Uh-huh.
It's a conspiracy.
It is.
Well, that's what
Sergeant Soames thinks.
But I hardly can see McCann
getting involved in...
I'm not talking about that!
I'm talking about the conspiracy
against me.
Oh.
So?
Soames lifts McCann
on sus?
And decides to take a look around
Arthur Daley's lockup?
That's right.
- On what reason?
- He wasn't really coming on it, actually.
Presumably must be
for stolen jewelry.
- It's ridiculous!
- That's what I thought, guv.
And he let McCann go?
Ay, and the girl
when we got back to the station.
- Why?
- Well...
Nothing to hold on them really.
Anyway,
the point is
Soames is out now, trying to get a warrant
to officially search Arthur's locker
for stolen property.
Is he indeed?
Yes, but...
might it touch you, guv?
I mean, it's not gonna look
too clever to the Super, is it?
If Soames find anything.
Arthur and Terry being old
prospects of yours, like I said.
I don't care.
I like it.
[SIGHTS]
I like it.
I'll get 'em in.
What do you fancy?
- Um... Lager.
- Gov'nor!
Can we have a lager and...?
Arthur, what...?
What's the matter with him, then?
She came in here looking upset.
I can see why now.
All I could tell her was you might be
down the lock-up or at home.
If she reckoned she'd tried that.
Then she left.
Have you tried ringing her place?
Yeah, I tried,
but there's no joy at all.
Listen, give us your dog,
I'll try again.
- Here you go.
- Cheers, Dave.
[PHONE RINGS]
I'll do it, I'll do it.
[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]
Get out the way!
Out the front!
[DOG BARKS]
- Can't find her.
- She must have scarpered.
- You're bleeding!
- Well, I cut my hand, you prat!
Come on, get back to the flat.
[RAPID KNOCKING ON DOOR]
What's that?
You're not that hungry, are you?
No time for this,
let us borrow your phone.
Yeah, of course, love.
Oh, thanks ever so.
[PHONE RINGS]
Winchester Club.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hang on, he's right here.
Terry,
it's Debbie.
- Sounded dodgy.
- Hello?
Yes, it's me, it's all right.
What?
Now listen. Calm down, can you?
Where are you?
Right, well just stay there.
I'll be there as soon as I can.
It won't take long.
Just... just keep calm, all right?
I'll see you in a minute.
Ta-ta.
Cheers, Dave, I'll see you.
Terry.
- I'll see you later.
- Terry!
Are you deaf or something?!
I'll see you later!
Oi, oi, oi!
Calm down.
- I'm here, you're safe. OK?
- For how long?
Those two know where I live.
They could come back at any time.
Oh, Terry, I'm scared.
First the police accused me
of being involved,
and now this.
What am I gonna do?
You're gonna come back
to my gaff,
and wait there till I sort it out,
all right?
- How? How are you gonna sort it out?
- I know a few faces. I'll ask around,
see if someone can put me in touch
with these two merchants.
No, Terry,
you mustn't get involved.
I'm already involved.
That lemon who pulled you
thinks I'm part of the plot.
- Oh, no!
- Yeah,
- I've been down the nick all morning.
- I was there all night.
Yeah,
I know you were.
He's given Arthur's a sort of spin an' all.
Gawd knows what he's gonna say.
- Ta-ta, Tone, thanks a lot, mate.
- Ta, Tel.
- Thanks, Ton.
- Bye.
- That's how it is, Arthur.
- Oh, no.
Dave,
tell me it's not true.
Tell me
you're into a wind-up.
Would I tell you porkies
about a thing like that, Arthur?
Did they er... find anything?
You know, take anything?
Take anything?
The Old Bill at the lock-up.
- I don't think so.
- Oh, thank gawd for that.
- I'd better get over there and check.
- Arthur, Terry and Debbie...
Chisholm's behind this,
you mind my words.
This is pure malice.
He is doing this to me.
- Arthur...
- You see what happens
when I'm not around
to look after things?
- Considering that...
- I warned Terry
not to get involved
with a bird of that sort.
You can bear me out on that,
Dave.
Arthur.
Terry and Debbie look like
getting fitted for a robbery
they had nothing to do with,
and all you can do
is moaning about you being spun.
They could be
in serious trouble.
I could be
in serious trouble
if Plod decides they want to see
some receipts for goods, various.
- Nevertheless...
- But you are quite right, Dave.
You are quite right.
But what can I do?
On top of all this agg,
I am in the middle of deciding
a man's fate. Ain't I?
You are wonderful.
You know that?
Listen, do you want a drink
or something?
- I'd rather have a cup of tea, Tel.
- Yeah, I can do that.
What if we went down there together
to the police station
and tell them
what was happened?
Do you think he'd believe that any more
than that other story of yours, eh?
I tell you, this Soames geezer makes
Chisholm look like a welfare worker.
Well, let's tell him, then,
Chisholm.
No, I don't think that'd be
awfully good timing.
You see, he's working on the case
that Arthur's trying.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
Then what ARE we gonna do?
We're gonna have a cup of tea,
aren't we?
Oh, my Gawd!
It's all gone!
Well, you seem to work all right
under pressure.
I see what they mean
about nervous energy now.
[CHUCKLES]
Wish I didn't like you so much.
Eh?
Maybe I could fall in love with you.
What, ruin a perfect relationship?
Ah. Shut up.
[DOORBELL]
ARTHUR: Terry! Terry!
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
Don't worry, it's only Arthur,
and he can't get in.
ARTHUR: Terry!
I want a word with you!
I know you're in there
cos I can see you!
ARTHUR: Terry!
Terry!
I want a word with you!
About my stock!
It's gone!
All gone!
- What have you been up to?
- Hold on, I'll get rid of him.
[DOORBELL]
- ARTHUR: Terry!
- No, no second thoughts,
who needs any more aggravation, eh?
Come here.
ARTHUR: Terry!
- ARTHUR: Come on!
- Oh, shut up.
[DOORBELL AND KNOCKING]
ARTHUR: Terry!
- Mr Chisholm.
- Go away, Arthur!
Go away?!
The whole of my stock confiscated?
That is a gross infringement
of my civil rights.
I'll tell you what this is, Arthur.
It's a gross breach of court rules.
I'm the prosecuting officer
in this case -
I shouldn't even be seen sneering
at you from across the street.
I am a citizen presently employed
by the state in a quest for justice.
And I ain't getting none.
It's diabolical.
- Ain't there no code of conduct no more?
- One more word, Arthur.
One more,
I'll have you done for contempt.
- And I mean it!
- Oh, be reasonable, Mr Chisholm.
Look,
it's my living!
- The other one was shorter.
- Sure.
- About 30, blonde hair.
- More mousey brown, actually.
- Now, well... apparently...
- Oh, with a tash. With a tash as well.
Yeah, it's... it's more
mousey brown on the hair,
and he's got a moustache.
Yeah.
If you can, mate, I'd appreciate it.
No, don't go out of your way,
just keep your ears and eyes open.
Yeah, cheers, Bill.
Yeah, I'll see...
Yeah, you never know,
I might get down there. Yeah.
Yeah, I'll try. Ta-ra, mate.
Bye.
- Terry, it's hopeless.
- Give it a chance.
A few more faces
I can get hold of yet.
They have me go through the mug shots
down at the station -
I couldn't see
anyone who even looked like 'em.
Maybe they're not known villains.
Not all known villains have form,
do they?
Now listen, I want you to stay here
while I do a bit of snooping about.
Do I have to? I was up to go back to
the flat, get a change of clothes at least.
What happens if those two loons
turn up again?
- Anyway, you haven't got a car, have you?
- I thought maybe you could take me.
Oh, yeah.
All right, then.
Well, I suppose the first thing is
to choose a foreman.
Yes, that is the...
usual, normal procedure.
- How about you, my dear?
- Oh, no.
No? No? Er...
What about you, Arthur?
I mean, you seem to have some idea
you know, the way you handled
that oath an' that.
- I mean, why don't you do it?
- Oh, I don't know.
Oh, all right. All right.
As a matter of fact,
I do have a certain
working knowledge of the law.
- No-one objects, do they?
- ALL: No.
No, let's just get on with it,
shall we?
Well,
what's the procedure?
Do we just vote,
or what?
Just vote?!
Well, the man's clearly guilty.
You've only got to look at his face.
Madam, with respect,
a man's boat
is hardly a reasonable foundation
on which
to base a conviction.
Bloody right!
What is boat?
- I do not understand.
- Boat race, madam.
Look, look, let me, let me
just say this.
As the duly elected
foreman of this jury,
I need hardly remind you
that it is our sworn duty
to weigh the evidence,
balance
the scales of justice.
Free ourselves
from the constraints of
prejudice and blind emotion,
and arrive at a true
and honest verdict
in accordance with the facts.
Thank you.
That's very good,
isn't it?
Well, that's perfectly true,
Mr er...
Daley, Miss.
Arthur Daley.
And, er, you are?
Oh, eh,
Miss Carol Dalston, actually.
Oh, well, Carol...
I can call you Carol, can't I?
- Oh, yes, if you like.
- I think first names are best.
- Makes it all much cosier.
- That's right, Arthur.
Well, well, Carol?
Well, it just seemed to me
that it might be a good idea
to start off with a show of hands
to begin with.
I agree.
At least we can see how we all stand
before we start arguing
the pros and cons.
- Sorry.
- No, no, no, you are quite right.
I was about to make
the same suggestion myself.
Is everyone in agreement?
ALL: Yes. Yes.
Very well.
All those present here
who think,
without so much as a discussion
mind you,
that the defendant is guilty,
raise their right hand.
Not a very convincing story,
would you say, Jones?
Both the doors are smashed,
guv.
- Very observant, Jones.
- And we didn't do it!
Tell me, did you intend
withholding this a bit of...
- so called information?
- No, no.
We're going to report it
and then you turn up.
- Right, Deb?
- Right.
Even knowing about it yesterday?
Yeah, but Deb was upset, wasn't she?
She was confused by what you did to her.
Needed it to be a ton of things,
isn't that right?
- Yeah! That's right.
- What is this? A double act?
You do know of course that
withholding information of the crime
is the crime itself?
Don't you ever stop?
Listen, she's told you all she knows,
I told you all I know, right?
Now, why do you stop agging us
and get on that crimes who did this?
Eh, eh.
Hold on, hold on.
You need a warrant
before you get invited in there.
That's official.
Well, [CLEANS THE THROAT]
I have to admit,
that his alibi is
a little difficult to believe.
If you call this...
It's damn right impossible!
What, just because some man went conveen
been in a forest for couple of weeks?
- With his mother?
- A man of that age?
- It's ludicrous.
- God says,
she must be aisy you see a day!
Did you see that?
She had to be held
into the witness box.
Camping, indeed.
So they're a tight-knit family
with a pown shown for an outdoor life.
Is that so strange?
- Strange? It's bizarre!
- It's perfectly obvious
that the two of them concocted
that ridiculous story.
I shouldn't think the man's
ever been in a tent in his life before.
Ah,
now there I beg to differ.
That's right.
I mean, he's a British Tommy, ain't he?
- Eh... His brief said so.
- Exactly.
A man who fought for Queen and country
against the Boche.
To secure the democracy
we live in now.
This septic isle, this haven of
fair play and give-the-underdog-a-chance.
A land... what welcomes
these refugees
from oppressed foreign parts.
Right on, repatriating.
Right on.
I fail to see what that has to do
with the fact that it is absurd
to expect us to believe that a man
of his obvious type and age
should go on a camping expedition
with his octogenarian mother
like two Boy Scouts.
I was forced to live in a tent
during the troubles in my country.
It is not a thing
a person would do voluntarily.
- Oh, my God.
- I must say, as a witness
the mother
wasn't very convincing.
Even less than the defendant,
if that's possible.
- That's right.
- Not convincing?!
Look... eh...
That sweet little old lady?
She couldn't answer the questions
about camping equipment.
I've done a bit of it myself,
you know.
The old dear was under oath,
wasn't she?
And let me tell you,
when you are that age
you are too near the other side
to tell porkies.
As if the old dear
would perjure herself.
Well, she IS
the defendant's mother.
I have small Chinese
takeaway restaurant.
All family work together.
Is good.
Oh, that's very profound!
Very relevant.
- Excuse me.
- Yes, Carol?
Well, I do think
Arthur has a point.
I mean, there was no direct evidence
to contradict his alibi, was there?
Exactly, my dear. Exactly.
And remember His Lordship's direction.
If there is the slightest element of doubt
in the issue before us,
the defendant
must be given the benefit. Right?
Well... [CLEARS THROAT]
..that's true.
Look.
I think the guy was lying
through him teeth.
But it's cool.
We all dig, right?
So, I feel say
we should groove in
with the foreman here
and give him the benefit.
What you say, sister?
That's right. I mean,
you've got to play white man, isn't you?
Eh...
That's right, aint it? I mean...
TERRY: Satisfied?
Well, let me tell you the scenario
the way I see it, McCann.
You and this...
lady here...
work out a little scheme,
whereby posing as some sort of
phony beautician she...
- I've got certificates!
- She's got diplomas.
Posing as some sort of
phony beautician,
she's able to enter the homes
of innocent victims.
A worthy target is then selected.
And along with an...
as yet unknown accomplice,
you raid the place.
How's that for starters?
Diabolical.
Look. Would she leave her name
and address on a business card
if that was the case,
eh?
I deal with a lot of
fourth division villains, McCann.
It's depressing how many or them
make the most rudimentary mistakes.
Yeah, but that would be downright stupid,
wouldn't it?
Exactly.
This
is my appointments diary.
Why don't you get in touch
with the clients I visited
and check
whether they've been robbed?
That should prove that me and Terry
ain't up to what you say.
- And if any of them have?
- Leave off.
To continue,
you, Miss Mitchell,
then tried to cover yourself
by reporting the robbery.
However, when you fail in that ploy,
you get hold of McCann here
and invite this ludicrous story about
villains breaking in and threatening you.
- But it's true!
- It's pathetic,
that's what it is.
Come on, Jones.
Can't you find the door
by yourself?
And I shall take great pleasure
in nicking you both.
Soon.
This is absurd!
If you accept
this preposterous alibi,
then you must also accept
that he's...
innocent.
Good God, the clothes
were found in his flat!
Of course he had something to do
with the stealing or receiving of them!
You're forgetting about Scouse Billy,
the man he lent the flat to.
Oh, yes.
This mysterious Liverpudlian
whom no-one except the defendant
has ever seen or heard of.
Look, it stands to reason - a man's
not gonna come forward and confess, is he?
That's because he never existed
in the first place.
Of course he doesn't.
It's an insult to the intelligence.
- Precisely.
- Look,
are you trying to say you've
never met an old friend from the past,
an acquaintance from yesteryear,
had a drink, reminisced,
shed a tear of nostalgia
for the old days?
I expect we all bump into
old acquaintances from time to time,
but I for one do not hand over
the keys to my house
and say, "Go on, live there.
Use it as a warehouse for stolen property."
All right, so this Scouse Billy took
a liberty. That's the point, innit? Hah.
I know plenty of geezers'd
pull a stroke like that.
Yes, yes,
I rather suspect you do.
Don't you come that snobby
bourgeois crap with me, mate!
I mean, the trouble with people like you
is you live in a middle-class ghetto
and you don't get to meet
the real people!
Right. Right.
Old Chinese proverb
say
"Man with no shoes
must weep
for man with no feet."
Hope you don't mind,
only I've got to get this finished.
It's my Albert's birthday tomorrow.
Eh, give us that.
Hey, Tel.
Thet's him in the red car.
- Old Bill?
- Yeah, could be.
[ENGINE STARTS]
It is!
Put your toe down!
Hey! Hey!
Hold on!
- Oh, God, are you all right, Tel?
- Yeah, remember that number.
XMF 353 N
BOTH: 'XMF 353 N'
Terry: Got it!
XMF 353 N
- Come on, let's go.
- Oh, my Gods...
I see.
Now you saying
that the police officer
who has probably had years
of devoted service
to the community
to his credit,
was lying under oath.
No, no, no, not...
not lying exactly.
No, no,
what I was suggesting was...
Well,
you saw his eyes.
Very shifty.
Very shifty indeed.
I mean, let's...
let's call it an exaggeration.
An... An embellishment
of the true facts
in an excessive desire
to get on in the job.
I mean, quite understandable.
I mean, crime rate rising,
clean-up rate falling.
Now,
believe me,
convictions
are very important
to an ambitious and ruthless
guardian of the law.
Stand on me, I know.
I mean, you saw him in the box.
All them little hesitations
and furtive glances.
Dead giveaway, in my opinion.
I've never heard such
balderdash!
Madam,
ask yourself this question.
Is he the sort of man from who you'd like
to buy a second-hand lawnmower?
All right, son?
- Dave?
- Terry. Debbie.
We ain't open yet, but if you need
a drink that bad...
No, no.
I want a favour.
I wouldn't ask
if it wasn't important, right?
But you've got a brother-in-law
who's a cozzer down at Hendon.
- Oh, no, Tel. No way.
- No, listen, hear me out.
It's to do with this aggro
that Debbie and me are getting.
Look, it would get us
right out of schtuck, honest.
What is it?
I just want a car registration checked.
Name and address of the owner.
Terry, have you any idea of
the domestic aggravation I'll get
asking that pons of a favour?
I'll have to have him and my sister
over for dinner just for asking.
Please, Dave.
When the prosecution asked him
what his occupation was,
he said,
"Coronation programme seller."
- I mean, for God's sake!
- ARTHUR LAUGHTS
That was his little joke,
that's all.
Nerves.
They're funny things, nerves.
Affect different people
in different ways.
- That's true. Me, I sweat a lot.
- How charming!
What about you, miss?
Well, actually... [CLEARS THROAT]
..I sort of
get a rash around here.
Oh, very nasty.
It's scratching with me.
I always start to scratch.
Huh!
Drives my Albert mad, it does.
Mr Ling?
How about you?
Do people of the oriental persuasions
suffer with nerves?
With respect
an honorable gentleman
I try to mind my own business.
When in Rome,
do not be a Christian.
This is ridiculous! We're trying to
reach a verdict here,
not discussing
nervous manifestations!
Do you think we could ask the usher
for some tea?
Mr Ling,
would you mind repeating that?
Yeah.
Yes, I understand.
Look. If you can see your way
just this once?
Yeah?
Of course, no further, no further.
Look, Bob... while we're on,
you must come over to dinner one day.
You're free Sunday?
Oh, well, great,
yeah. Sure!
Lovely.
Joyce would love that, I know.
All right.
Yeah. Thanks.
What a crawler I am.
He's er...
he's gonna ring back in five minutes.
- Oh, cheers, Dave.
- You want some advice?
Give it to the Old Bill,
let them sort it.
[SIGHTS] You haven't met
Sergeant Soames, have you?
Now listen, if this all works out,
I want you to stay with Dave.
- Alright?
- Terry!
No, don't argue,
I just want you to stay here.
But ask yourself this.
Can we,
dare we... do that here?
In the very nucleus,
the heart of British justice -
the jury room.
I think not.
Out there
is a fellow human being
whose very future
hangs on our decision.
Not to mention his old mum,
who's dependant on him.
It's frightening. Frightening!
But it is a challenge.
And I know you will all
be with me when I say
it is a challenge
we must not shirk.
Hello, can I help you?
Er, yeah, I'm looking for a man called
Roberts. I thought he lived here.
Yes, he does,
but he's not in at the moment.
- he's at work.
- Oh.
It's... If you go further
right down there,
there's a yard just back
off the road. Can't miss it.
- All right?
- Yeah, thanks very much. Yeah.
Well,
that's an improvement anyway, in't it?
[SIGHTS LOUDLY]
This is getting quite impossible!
It is time
I am getting back to my shop.
Oh, really! I've got six for dinner.
It's terrible!
No.
No, I can't, Dave.
- I can't do that.
- Yes, you can, Deb.
Look,
you can still make out the address
from the impression.
Sometimes even a minder
needs minding.
I dunno.
Since you are unable to agree
on a verdict,
the time has come
for me to instruct you
that the court will now accept
a majority verdict
of not less than 10 to 2.
[COMPRESSED AIR NOISE]
I want a word with you
two scumbags.
I think the man wants his lips
retreaded, Harry.
[BLAST OF AIR]
Oh, yeah, son?
You like hospital food?
Come on!
Honest, that's the address
of one of the blokes. Honest!
Where did you get hold of this?
Oh, for Christ's sake, does it matter?
They tried to run Terry over!
For all I know, this could be
another of your little concoctions.
Except this time
you CAN check it out.
Oof!
Argh!
Urgh!
Urgh!
There's another one in there.
Deb.
- Oi, I haven't finished with you yet.
- You wanna bet?
Look, are you sure?
Isn't there some lurking iota of doubt?
I mean, just a little one?
No, I...
I don't want to influence you.
I mean, you have to live with
your conscience, not me.
I am perfectly certain,
thank you.
And you and your ridiculous rhetoric
will not make me change my mind,
- even if we sit here all night!
- And that goes for me also.
And you, madam?
Eh, what she knows here?
She hardly said a word since we started.
- Madam?
- Er... He is guilty alright.
Tried to fog my outbook
one of them jackets, didn't he?
Good God, woman!
You're saying you know the defendant?
Yeah.
Lives in the next street, don't he?
Always been a bit of the rouge
this Johnny Smith.
I told my aunt, I said
'Don't do ever
have anything to do with him.
He'll only get you into trouble.
There is a popular myth
that handling stolen property
is somehow less serious
then theft, Smith.
It is not one
that I subscribe to.
If there was no handlers
there would be far fewer thieves.
And yet here you are
before this court again
with an appalling record
of similar defences
having been found guilty
quite properly by my opinion
on counts 1 and 2.
Is there anything you wish to say
before I pronounce sentence?
Does this mean, m'lord,
that...
I won't be able to go camping
with my mum next year?
I know what you're thinking, Mr Chisholm,
but you are wrong.
I was with you from the off.
I stood alone in there.
It was 11 for acquittal
when we started.
But I held out for justice.
I had to put up a terrible battle against
ignorance and prejudice.
- I really did, Mr Chisholm.
- Leave me alone, Arthur, please!
You must be feeling
on top of the world, eh?
Be a promotion, I shouldn't wonder.
Nice conviction under your belt.
Now. Look. I do not want thanking.
Please don't think that. No, no, no.
The man was guilty.
I could do no more.
[CHUCKLES] Funny, isn't it?
Here we are, discussing justice.
I wonder,
would there be any chance of you having
a word with someone about my bit of gear?
I mean,
if I could just get...
No, no, I know I went off before,
Mr Chisholm,
but that was...
that was the shock, you see?
It was... Mr Chisholm, please,
let me carry your case. Please.
Bereft and bankrupt
you've made me!
I only asked you to look after the shop,
keep an eye on things.
Look at it!
A desert where there was once an oasis.
I had a couch of the Italian
custom-made shoes there,
imported from Taiwan.
Have you any idea
what they stood me in?
- Boots.
- Don't make jokes, Terry.
Don't make jokes.
This is not time for frivolous jollities.
And there,
Which, incidentally,
have slightly misleading labels.
So what do I tell them?
Printers' error?
So sue me.
Don't compound
your gross dereliction of duty
by taking that attitude,
my son.
You may be nearer the mark
than you think.
I can get all this up before
the Industrial Compensations Board.
Eh? Don't talk so bleeding stupid,
Arthur!
You are forgetting
I know a little about the law.
Tragic loss of livelihood.
Due to the inept management
of the duly delegated officer
of the company.
After I've had a few receipts printed
to cover myself, that is.
Oi, you.
Now I have been beaten up,
I've been nearly fitted up.
So do you know what you can do
with your problems?
You can stuff 'em up your...
[CAR HORN]
DENNIS WATERMAN:
"I Could Be So Good For You"
♪ If you want to
I'll change the situation
♪ Right people right time
♪ Just the wrong location
♪ I've got a good idea
♪ Just you keep me near,
I'll be so good for you
♪ I could be so good for you,
I'm gonna help you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ I'll do anything for you ooh-ooh
♪ I'll be so good for you
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ I'll do it like you want me to
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ There ain't nothing
I can't go through ooh-ooh
♪ I'll be so good for you ♪
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