03x12 - Back in Good Old England

[bunniefuu]

£3.50, guv.

- Keep the change, amigo.
- Thank you very much.

Here.
Take 'em, pop.

With you in a minute, mate.

Here, look.
Owe it to me.

- All right?
- Thanks.

Archie.

How are you, Archie?

How am I?

How am I?
How do you think I am, you slag!

Pompous slag!

Hey! I'll k*ll you!
I'll k*ll you!

Archie.
I'll give you a ring.

I'll have you right.
I'll bloody k*ll you!

♪ DENNIS WATERMAN:
I Could Be So Good For You

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ Love you like you want me to ♪

This is the last one.

There you go, my son.

- They should fit.
- Oh, cheers.

Oh.
No, ta.

What do you mean 'No, ta.'
They're free!

Yeah, they're flares.

No, that's fireproof.
Firepr...?

No, 'flares' it's the style,
innit?

You know, like bellbottoms.
Nobody wears them anymore.

[CHUCKLES]

- Didn't you know they were flares?
- Of course I did.

You didn't, did you??

You bought them without looking at them.
Been stitched up, mate.

- [LAUGHS] 'Stitched up.'
- You are very comical.

Trouble with you, Terry,
is that you don't appreciate quality.

[PHONE RINGS] Top quality denim,
that's what I bought.

They'll move. You'll see.

- Bet you they won't.
- Yeah?

Oh, not now, Dave.
I'm up to here.

All right, all right.
I'll send Terry over.

All right, Dave, all right.
If you insist,

I will forget about making a living,
I will drop everything at your whim.

OK?

Right.

Dave wants us over at The Winchester,
says it's urgent.

- He's got trouble?
- I don't know. He wouldn't say on the phone.

We'll get this out of the way
and go over there.

How many pairs of these
have you got?





I got your message,
Dave.

- Anything the matter?
- Oh, yes and no.

- Hey, what's all this in aid of?
- I can't say just yet.

You've got to wait
for Arthur and Terry.

This had better be good,
Dave.

You steel yourselves for a shock.

Oh, lads,
you shouldn't have bothered.

Isn't your birthday, is it?

JACK: Terry,
Arthur, Des.

Who the hell's that?

Stone me, Jacko Wragg.
Hello, my son. How are you?

- Terry.
- 'Oily' Wragg.

- It never is.
- It certainly is,

- Desmond, my old man.
- Nice to see you!

Yes, a spot of shampoo
for my very good friends here,

- please, Dave, por favor.
- 'Por favor', listen to him. [LAUGHTS]

- Yeah. What's all this?
- What?

Eh... I think you better wheel it on,
now, Dave.

Right, Jack.

Back in good ol' England.
Salut, fellas.

'Salut'!
Listen, I thought you'd get nicked

as soon as you trod on
the tarmac at Gatwick.

I never left cos of the law,
Tel.

No, I just wanted to turn over a new leaf,
that's all.

Best thing I ever did.

And here we are.

What about that then, eh?
[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHING]
Welcome home, Jack!

- Look at that!
- Eh?

[CHEERING]

Well, gracias, fellas,
for turning up here today.

- Didn't have much choice, did we?
- That means a great deal to me.

I just got a couple
of business calls to make.

But in the meantime,
help yourselves,

we can keep this coming till
morning, can't we, Dave?

Certainly can.

Oh, dear.
Jacko Wragg, eh?

'Business calls.'
Probably dialling the speaking clock.

I didn't think I'd see him back
in England.

- You wouldn't have missed much, would you?
- He's all right, this Jacko.

He's a bloody menace.

That's his shampoo, you're drinking.

- I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
- Oh, oh...

But he starts all that 'I said to Biggsy
and Biggsy said to me' cobblers,

I'll have a nervous breakdown.

Listen,
when I was in the Scrubs,

Jacko told me
to keep my head and do the bird.

If I hadn't shared a Peter with him,
I would have been in all sorts of bother.

Oh, heart of gold,
say no more.

Can I help you,
Arthur?

I'm just looking at your trousers,
Dave. They flared?

No, Arthur,
it's just the way I'm standing.

Nobody wears flares anymore.

Archie, don't hang up on me.
This is dead important.

Look,
I'm doing you a favour.

Yeah, I know I owe you one.
We all know that.

Else why did I come back here
in the first place, answer me that one.

A meet.
That's right. I want a meet.

What, you still at your old place?

All right,
let's make it there.

You won't regret it,
Archie, on my life.

He wants to meet
at my old place.

- Beautiful.
- [CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

So what's it like being back,
eh, Jacko?

Well... There's been some changes,
ain't there, Des?

I mean, you can't even
get a decent pint of keg now,

it's all that bloody real ale stuff,
innit?

Come on then,
what have you been doing in Spain?

Mm.
Now you're asking.

I know you blokes
have been thinking about me

- over in Spain all these years.
- Been thinking of nothing else, Jacko.

Lying around on the beach,
drinking the vino, chasing the senoritas,

but you'd be right out of order,
cos I've had my nails to the grindstone

- from the word go.
- Course you have, Jack.

Yeah, you see, in Spain, they've got this
lottery, see?

And every week,
everybody buys a few tickets.

Well, being as how I was going native,
I did likewise.

You didn't pick a winner,
did you?

I certainly did, Des.
I certainly did.

A very handy little nest egg.

But I didn't blow it
in the usual fun and games neither.

No, I bought myself
a nice little bar,

and now I'm the landlord of
Ye Olde Boar's Head, Torremolinos.

- Oh, very 'contenontal'.
- Dominoes, darts,

a good pint of keg
and as many scotch eggs as you can eat.

The English punters love it.

[SIGHTS] So I thought,
well, if

Ye Olde Boar's Head
works in Spain,

why not
El Toreador Taberna, London?

See, what I've got in mind...
is...

a nice little
Spanish-style bodega.

A spot of your flamenco,
dinner... touch.

You're not forgetting your
ethnic food poisoning touch.

Just shut up, will you?

So that's why I came back.

As a matter of fact, Terry, I was wondering
whether you had much on at the moment.

- Er, er, booked up...
- No.

- Booked up to eyeballs at the moment, Jack.
- Arthur!

Np, no. I quite understand, Arthur.
I quite understand.

Dave, er...

crack open another couple of bottles,
will you?

- Oh, lovely!
- Yeah, 'cos.

Cheers.

- Arthur, could I word? Just a minute?
- Eh?

- Just a couple of words, Arthur.
- What?

- A-ah!
- Sorry, Terry.

It's just that I'd appreciate it if
you could let Terry off the hook

for the rest of the week.
You know, just for old time's sake.

- No, no, I'm sorry, Jack.
- No, I understand.

- I understand.
- He stands...

Yeah, but, look.
Here.

What if I give you


all right? That's to cover
Terry's wages and your inconvenience.

Eh... Well, yeah,
I suppose he's not all that busy.

What are you into these days,
Arthur?

- Import, export, property.
- Property?

You could be the answer
to my prayers, Arthur.

Yeah. You see, I'm a bit out of touch
with the property market in this country.

And I could use an expert
like yourself.

Well. How about you look in for
some premises for me?

Up west, long-lease,
you know the kind of thing I mean.

Well, Jack,
I'm gonna need...

I'll tell you what,
you're gonna need expenses.

- Expenses.
- How about I give you

£500
in advance of your fee?

I just thought I'd mention it, Jack, I'm
running a little business on my own now.

- Yeah?
- So if you're looking for a little

- motor or anything.
- Oh, certainly, Des.

Yes.
You can help me.

- Well, I thought you'd be interested.
- Listen what I thought...

Eh? Eh?
What's going on?

Just business, Terry,
just business.

[BUZZER]
So what do you reckon then?

I'll go.

If it's a member,
tell 'em we're shut.

Nah, straight up, Jack,
I am busy enough as it is.

It's only just a bit of advice,
Dave, that's all.

I mean, bar staff, wholesale liquor,
licensing, you know the ropes.

So long as I can count on you to be there,
that's all.

Look, look,
there you go.

See,
no obligation.

- No, my point is...
- I'll keep the rest for you.

I'll put an elastic band around it
so it won't get mixed up.

- How that gonna stops your...
- Evening.

- Good evening.
- Helping yourself to earn it?

Ah,
come in, don't be shy.

Have a drop of the...
espumosa.

Why not?

Jack Wragg, this is
Detective Constable Rycott.

Oh, yeah.

Always happy
to buy the law a drink.

Pick up your money there, Dave,
it's getting wet.

What can I do for you,
Mr Rycott?

Nothing much, Dave.

It just occurred to me
the other day

- your license is coming up for renewal.
- Don't time fly?

Well, you know how it is, Dave,
I have to go through the motions.

Gotta make sure you're keeping
everything clean and tidy.

You want to watch your small change.
That could mount up.

I still say we should give it
back to him first thing.

He was well out of order,
weren't he?

Shouldn't take advantage like that.

Ta.

One thing we can be certain of...
Ta.

..it ain't funny money.

Oily Wragg couldn't get money
out of a bank even with a cheque book.

- He's had a tickle or two.
- Oh, yeah.

Like the time
he was driving for some team out of Essex

and he locked the keys in his car.
[LAUGHTS]

They all come steaming out
of this bank,

really looking the business
in their balaclavas on them.

And there's Jacko asking
if anyone's a member of the AA.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, well, just cos a geezer
has done well,

don't mean to say
you can rip him off, does it?

Come on, Terry.
I mean, he gave me £700.

Now, if I come across a nice
BMW or summat,

well, that's your deposit straight away.
I mean, where's the rip off?

And if he wants you running errands
in my office hours,

- he's certainly got to pay.
- You're right, Arthur.

Yeah, all right, all right.
I'm gonna crash out.

Yeah.
Good night.

No, no.
I said I'm gonna crash out.

Terry, Terry.

Turn it down.
I mean, that shamp...

poo has given me a real head.

See that, Tel, over there?
That's where my old school was, eh.

Right by that roundabout.

Erm,
or was it the other street down?

Jacko, what's up?

How do you mean?

Well, we spent three hours
in the Duke's Head,

which was nice,
I admit.

And we've been all over west London
only to establish

that your favourite Chinese takeaway
is now a sex shop.

What's occurring?

Point taken, mi amigo,
point taken.

Yeah, well, if you haven't
got the time to spend a day,

you know, wandering around
with an old friend, well...

That's not what I mean
and you know it.

Listen,
you're putting something off, ain't you?

Always was perceptive,
eh, Tel?

Straight to the heart of the matter,
that's you.

All right.

See that flat up there?
The one with the green door? No.86?

Yeah,
what about that?

That's where the old wife was living
when I came out the Scrubs.

You know,
before I done a bunk to Spain?

I just...
want to find out if she's still there.

I want you to go there, Tel,
knock on the door,

and tell her that
I'm still around.

She's gonna love that,
ain't she?

Just break it to her easy,
Tel.

I don't want no trouble,
no fuss, just...

just wanna talk,
that's all.

Go on, my son.
No.86.

You haven't come for my telly,
have you?

No, no. No.

I thought not.
That's usually Fridays.

Erm...

Look, I d... I don't mean to be rude
or anything like that,

- but have you lived her long?
- Five years.

So I don't suppose you know anybody
called Eileen Wragg, do you?

Oooh, her.
Yes.

She married the man from the Pru.

He still comes round.
Done very well, she has.

Lives on the other side of the Green
now.

Jacko, em...

She is married to someone else.

That means, she's divorced me?

Well, yeah,
that's how it's sounds, didn't it?

What, that's sounds much above
to leave?

Ah, do be fair.

Look, you were inside for 5 years,
ypu did a stright pop to Spaine for 3.

- What would you expect, eh?
- Oh, right, but...

- I just wanna to talk to her, Tel.
- Hah.

- Eh. Patty divorced me...
- Look.

The best thing you do
is leave it alone, right?

Yeah...

Now, where to?
Come on.

Uxbridge.

I got to meet my partner.

Flares, Arthur,
but nobody wears them anymore.

Oh,
don't you start.

The whole nation's obsessed
by the shape of its jeans.

Just shows what a decadent society
we are living in.

No, Chris, I wonder if you can take
them all in for me?



[SIGHTS]
Oh, not worth it.

It's easier to make 500.

Well, there must be something.

It would go a treat
behind the Iron Curtain.

Stand in the middle of Red Square
with these,

and you would be mobbed.

Cheers, Chris.
Very useful.

Or eh...
you could alter a few.

- How do you mean?
- I mean, a few pairs

to go on the top of the boxes
sort of thing.

Oh, no, no, no.
I couldn't do a thing like that.

Might be a spot of feedback.
Would there?

I know someone who would do it.

No connection with you,
no feedback.

But you would have
to front him.

- How much?
- Say £500.

You should get £3.50, £4 a pair.

At least you won't lost out
as a dead.

All right.
If you're sure this geezer can pull it off.

Oh, he's the king
in the rag trade.

Johnny Costa don't give a monkey's
what he does.

Who?!

Johnny Costa.
Why?

He's the rotten sod
that flogged them to me in the first place!

Come on, give us a clue.
What's all this about partner?

Well, I say partner,
and he's...

He's a kid really.
He needs encouraging.

Yeah. Bit of a bloody magician
with the old bookkeeping.

Gotta have someone like that
on the board.

So he'll be jacking his job in here,
will he?

Oh, I should say he will.
Should be out in...



Punctual type, is he?

Bang on.

Neville Wotton,
Terry McCann.

Hello, mate.

- Jump behind the wheel, Tel.
- All right.

Very important
business meeting.

Point the wheels at Hammersmith.

First Uxbridge, now Hammersmith, whoo!
Treat and a half this, Jacko.

You what?
This is a very bad line.

- Leroy.
- Hey.

Money back?
[LAUGHTS]

You're speaking a foreign language
as far as I'm concerned, pal.

The lads have started work.

I know you didn't say start
but I've got a full shop here.

I can't have shunted Granada's
getting under my feet.

You brought it here in good faith
and I started working on it in good faith.

End of chat
as far as I'm concerned, pal.

- That was him.
- Is he sweating?

Bricks stays bricks.
Mugs only got third-party fire and theft.

- Good.
- And the shunt was his fault,

- it now transpires.
- Have you done the crash repair?

Yeah,
just waiting on a new bonnet.

I'll bell him in a couple of days
and tell him I've got a punter

who'll take it off him for a price
and pay for the repairs.

He'll be so relieved,
he'll jump at £2,500.

Lovely. I reckon my client
will cough up £5,000.

Well, that's all right then.
Nice little drink up this weekend.

Come on, then, I'll show you.

Scuse me, Leroy.

When's the bonnet coming?

They promised it
for later this afternoon.

Very nice.
Very nice.


He's been a bit restless, hasn't he?

- All motorway driving, no doubt.
- Oh, yeah.

- And never in the wet.
- Oh, no, no.

[CHUCKLES]

- Can you get me a new speedo?
- No sweat.

All right,
fair enough.

I'll... I'll have my whiskey vouchers now
if it's all the same to you.

Well, I thought you might.

You got a light, chief?

You thinking
of buying the old deli?

No, I was actually looking it over
for a friend of mine.

Don't get me wrong,
chief, it's...

just the bloke who owns
it happens to be a friend of mine.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Well, I thought to put a good
word in for you?

Ah, no,
why would you do that?

Well, there's a bloke
who's put in an offer,

a dealer
in unusual magazines.

- My friend don't like him.
- No?

Well, if he was to get
another serious offer,

- well, might be a drink in it for me.
- Oh, that's nice.

And you'd save yourself
some money

cos you wouldn't have to go
through the estate agent.

Ah, now you're talking
my language.

How can I get in touch
with this friend of yours?

- Best I made talk to him first.
- I'll tell you what,

Look, I'll give you my card,
see if you can get him to ring me,

and we'll...
we'll have a drink.

Ah, it will do,
Mr Daley.

That's it.
Ta.

Well,
this is Sunnyhurst Road.

I'd say No.23
was just a memory.

Well, he said
the old place.

- Who's 'he'?
- Archie Simpson.

Well, you've been away


I mean, maybe he's got
a new 'old place'.

No, hang on.
There he is.

Listen,
you sure this is kosher?

It's a bit funny for
a business meeting, ain't it?

Just though...
Spot of nostalgia, Tel, that's all.

You hang on here, Tel,
won't be long.

Come on, Neville.
Hasta luego, pal.

Yeah...

- Wotcha, Jack.
- Archie!

Well...

Thank God you showed,
Arch.

What do you think
of the old place then, eh?

Bit of a come down, innit?

Still,
you've done me a favour really.

Getting me locked up
for eight years.

Cos I wouldn't have had
nowhere to live, would I?

I've come to settle the accounts,
Archie.

For bottling up on me
and the boys?

Eh? Getting me put inside.
Losing us ten grand.

That's nice, innit, boys?

Oily Wragg's
come to kiss and make it better for us.

Yeah, look,
I only get an hour for lunch.

I'm gonna give you 15 grand,
Archie,

I want to make things right
between us.

Here, look.

You're a bloody dreamer,
pal.

[SIGHS]

I don't see no 15 grand,
Jack.

They're floor plans,
Archie.

This fella's a wages clerk.
These are the plans to his office.

See, every week, him and his mates
pack it up, 150 grand.

There's a c*ck-up in the design,
see, Arch.

You need
two trolleys of cash,

but the lift only takes
one trolley at a time. So...

So for two minutes,
him and his mate are left all alone

with 75 grand.

You make me wanna puke,
Oily.

I've timed it, Archie,
down to the last second.

Believe me,
this has got to be the best blag

that you've ever seen...

I'll tell you something, Jack,

I ain't interested in money
no more.

You might have noticed
I'm a bloody cr*pple these days.

And when you whacked that Jag
into the wrong gear,

you not only got me
banged up,

you smashed
my sanny leg!

- You let me...
- Nah.

Please, this is nothing to do with me!
Ow!

You bloody cr*pple me, you
b*stard!

We'll settle the accounts all right,
Jacko.

Easy up, Arch,
we don't want to top him!

- I DO, Barry, yes, I do!
- Archie, for Christ's sake, leave it out!

Get out!

All right, the cavalry's here.
Jacko, on your bike.

This ain't your concern,
pal.

I'd stay out of this
while you're still walking.

Bottle gone, has it?
Come on.

He's gone.
There's only two of you now.

- What's up?
- Me!

[GROANS] [YELLS]

Now,
do you want some?

I know your face, McCann!

I know that b*stard right crook!
I don't let you alone, boy!

[WHISTLES LOUDLY]
Oi! Jacko!

Oi!

Oi.

- Get in the car.
- I've got to find Nev.

Find?
He's done a runner, ain't he?

He's had it away.
He'll probably be in Watford by now.

Get in the car.
We need a chat.

- How's it going?
- Great.

- Lovely match, this, Billy.
- Aye.

- Have you spoken to the owner?
- Yeah.

- Still a bit fractious.
- Did he accept the offer?

- No, just dropped a few hints.
- Billy!

He'll go for it.
He's on a hiding to nothing otherwise.

I hope you're right.
I've given you £700 on account.

Don't worry.

Don't spend it yet.
Not till we've done the deal.

- I know you!
- [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, it's been on my conscience for...
eight years, this, Tel.

I couldn't come back to London
without making things straight with Archie.

What did you expect to do?

Have a nice little chat
and say you're sorry?

Archie Simpson
is a well-known nutter, right?

He's one of the original
kamikaze hard men.

I think all that sun
must have fried your brains.

And what's all this about?

I'll explain everything
to you later, Terry. Just...

give me some time
to have a jimmy and a wash up, right?

Is you ever into fashion this days,
Arthur?

I wonder for that might be
interest you?

What's that?

We can look forward to revival
of the romantic and...

eldernalistic look
of the 60'

lots a lyce and velvet
loose baggy garments and...

Aghh,
perhaps a return

of retro museum piece
of flare jeans.

[SIGHS] Mind you,
that's make 3 years old.

Eh,
is Jacko been here?

- No.
- I've lost him.

- Some people have all the luck.
- Just give me to sleep.

I knew I brought you up wrong.
You are working for someone,

ergo,
you gave them to sleep,

- Not the other way around.
- This is serious.

There is a geezer called Archie Simpson
who's seems intent on topping him.

Oh. What a shame, I'd just fixed up
some nice premises for him.

- Simpson likes hurting people.
- Look, Terry, we seem to be

into a 'Am I my brother's keeper?'
situation here

- and, frankly...
- He's a mate, in't he?

- Not of mine.
- Besides which, he's paying me... us!

Terry's right, Arthur,
he is on wages.

Speaking of which, I'm skint,
so peel us off a couple from my wad.

I'll do the rounds
and find him.

Oh, come on!

Has Jack been in?

I've got just the motor for him,
be ready tomorrow.

If he's not fussy about the colour.

Paint it white, write 'Ambulance'
on the bonnet, that should do.

Very funny. Just give us the money.
That ain't enough, is it?

If I find him in one piece,
there's a

- pass on the good news.
- Cheers.

- That is mine, you know?
- All right, all right.

All right.

- Want a beer, Des?
- Ah!

- Cheers, Arthur.
- Ere, don't put that on my slate!

- Alright, I'll pay for it myself.
- Oh. Cheers, Dave.

I'll have a large vodka,
Dave.

Hello, Neville.
Oi, oi, oi.

Hard day at the office?

- Where's Jack Wragg?
- I've never heard of him.

- Who's that again?
- Now don't get funny.

I know you.

The last time I saw Wragg,

he was having his hand held
by your boy McCann.

Jack ain't here, pal,
and nobody knows where he is.

We're just a few folk
having a quiet drink.

Where is that slag,
Daley?

- Who are you, sunbeam?
- Nobody.

- I asked you a question, Daley!
- I swear to God, I don't know!

Get in there, Tony!

Where is he, Daley?

- I'll get the law, Dave!
- No, Arthur!

Slags!

Come here.

b*stards!
Slags!

Help your master.
Slags!

- Easy...
- I tell you b*stards!

- Hold him...
- Get of me! b*stards! Sods!

Get off!

Get off!
b*stards!

You all right, Dave?

Oh...
[GRUNTS]

Got bit of a nosebleed.
Don't think it's broke.

[SIGHS]

Arthur?

I'll m*rder
the bloody lot of 'em.

Arthur, eh...
You didn't call the law, did you?

- No, do you want me to?
- No, no.

No, I don't want.

Rycott sniffing around
with my license coming up.

They leave any brandy intact, Dave?
That's fair turned me up, it has.

Pour it yourself, Arthur.

'Ey, Des.

The lads and I
are gonna get something to eat.

- Do you want to come?
- No, I want to put this new speedo in.

- Right then.
- I'll see you later.

OK.
Leroy, you can finish that later.

Come on.

- You sure this is the place, then?
- Oh, yes.

This is definitely it.

Look,
they've completely resprayed it.

I'll never get this car back
unless you do something.

We may know these gentlemen,
sir.

This time
I intend to nick the lot of 'em.

The keys are probably
in the office.

Faded denim handbags?

No. No, I'd rather stick
to our original plan, Chris.

Well, I don't fancy our chances of
shifting 500 faded denim handbags.

I rather have the jean...

He's already done it?
[KNOCKING]

Oh, my God, Chris,
how could you let him?

- [KNOCKING]
- Hang about!

That is a bloody liberty,
Chris.

Listen, stick by your phone,
I'm gonna get back. [KNOCKING]

All right!

Hello, Mr Daley.
You probably don't remember me.

- Mind if I come in?
- Hang on, hang on, what is this?

Where's he going?

I hear you're interested in premises
in Remington Street?

I was merely enquiring
on behalf of a friend.

I'm afraid you can't have
that property, Mr Daley.

You see,
like the admirable trade unions,

my colleagues and I
run a closed shop.

We jealously guard
what is ours

in these
decidedly dodgy times.

He wants to open a restaurant,
not a massage parlour.

Exactly.

What a waste
of prime floor space.

Believe me,
I'll make much better use of it.

Hey, what's going...
These blokes are robbing me!

Give me that!

I can't see a thing,
Mr Daley.

Not a thing.

Let him go now.

Perhaps I've been
over-cautious.

I see now that you don't
really pose a threat to us.

You picked the wrong one,
mates.

I'll have the bloody rought
on you for this.

- Did you say something?
- No. No, this place echoes.

You're looking for this?

Well, as a matter of fact,
I was, Tel. Yeah.

But you can't have it.

Not till we have
a little chat.

Oh, please, Terry, look...
I've got head on me this morning

a b*llet itself
wouldn't cure it.

I saw you friend Neville.

The partner,
remember?

Goes to third floor,


Wheel trolley to fourth floor,


Do you still read
Boy's Own in Spain?

Look, Terry,
that's a real beauty.

Beauty? It's bleedin' madness
and you know it!

I mean, look how Neville bottled yesterday
and you.

What a team.
Dynamite.

Well, I thought...
maybe you and Des.

Nah.

Listen, just get it into your head,
I don't do those sort of things anymore

and I don't understand
why you are.

I mean, you've got to bar.
You're a businessman, aren't you?

There is no bar, Tel.

Well, this a bar
but it isn't mine.

No bleeding way
is it mine.

I'm just Joe Soap.
Bottle washer.

You haven't got a cold beer in your fridge,
haven't you, Tel?

- I'm dying over here.
- Not yet. No.

- Where'd you get that cash from?
- Like I said, the lottery.

- Is that straight?
- Yeah.

I couldn't believe it myself.
Bloody four grand.

And then this Neville bloke
comes in the bar on his holidays and...

after a few drinks,
he starts talking about his job.

About all the money
he handles and...

how the security's iffy
and all that.

Well, I thought, well,
here you go.

This is your big chance.

Your big chance
to get banged up again.

No, no.

See, what I thought was

I'd square it all off with Archie,
and then

maybe open a caff myself
with what I've got left.

Eh...
I've got the means.

See, I'm...
I've had it up to here, Tel.

[SIGHS]
I just wanna come home.

Here.

Cheers.

I just want my mates to like me.
That's all.

I wanna spend
an hour and half

every Saturday in the rain,
watching Fulham get laced up.

Go home, have my tea,
watch the racing results on the telly.

I wanna go down the Duke's Head,
Sunday lunchtime, have a drink up.

Moan around the rates,
the bloody World Cup,

and then go home and get a rollicking
for kippin' on the sofa.

Yeah, yeah.
I know I'm a dream, all right.

I know things sound a lot better
when they're in your head but,

well, you gotta give it
a whirl, ain't you?

Have you've done that,
haven't you?

The fact is,
Terry, mi amigo, old pal,

I got to go scurrying back
to where I came from, right?

It's got to be for the best,
innit?

Maybe in a couple of years' time...

- How much money you got left?
- None.

No.
Yesterday was Jack Wragg's swansong.

Oh.

No, hold on, hold on.
Look, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll get the money back
you gave to the others, right?

- It's got to be a fair few bob, innit?
- I suppose so.

I didn't just do it for the money,
Tel.

No,
wasn't just the money.

[SIGHS]

It was the respect
I wanted.

A word in your shell-like,
Dave.

- What's a matter with your boat race?
- I've had a nose job.

I heard you had a bit of party
down here, then.

You hear everything,
Mr Rycott.

I don't spend all my time putting out
traffic cones on motorways, Dave.

Archie Simpson and friends
dropped in yesterday, did they?

That's all sorted now.

Oh, I wouldn't be too sure
about that, Dave.

I come down here the other night
to find Jack Wragg back from the dead,

giving money away
as though there's no tomorrow.

The next thing I hear
is a whisper

that Wragg is trying
to put a team together.

Before I've had a chance
to get over laughing at that,

I've got Simpson
roaming my manor

with complete disregard
to life and limb.

No, you got it all
out of proportion, Mr Rycott.

I don't want nutters like Simpson
on my patch, Dave.

It's too much like hard work.

You don't need it either...

what with your license
coming up for renewal.

Hey, Kenny,
the pizzas are getting cold.

Just coming.

Now, I don't believe
for one minute

that Des and Terry are trying
to set up a blag with Jack.

But I don't want him
hanging around them.

In fact,
I don't want him around at all.

So put in a word for me, Dave,

give good ol' Jack a helping hand

back to
wherever he came from.

Then we can be all nice and quiet
as per usual, OK?

I'll see what I can do,
Mr Rycott.

Yeah.

So where is
the bleedin' car, then?

I told you,
I had to ditch it

and a bit sharpish an' all.

I see, so you get a car
with £700 of his money

and then ditch it,
that's lovely, in't it?

Yeah, well,
it was only the deposit.

- I... I'm really sorry, Jack.
- That's all right, Des. I understand.

- Que sera, sera.
- Yeah. Right.

I hear you might be leaving us,
Oily.

Leave out the Oily,
will you?

Jack's thinking of going back
to Spain, Arthur.

And we now know
he's borasic.

So my idea is
we get all of what's left of his cash

and get him down
to London airport toot sweet.

That's all I've got on me
at the moment.

I did have a few breakages.

That's all right, Dave.
That's down to me anyway.

Arthur, Arthur.

Yeah, well, I mean, there were
the inevitable...

- overheads, you know?
- You had my wages an' all.

- It must come to nearly a grand.
- I was bloody mugged, wasn't I?

Running bloody errands
from bloody Oily here,

I was threating my bloody life.

And physically abused.

You are very lucky
to have me sitting here now.

You're pathetic.

You got enough for the fare to Spain,
for crying out loud.

Oh, there is...
one slight hitch there, fellas.

- What might that be, Jack?
- My passport.

I sold it last night up west.

A sort of symbolic gesture.
I thought I wouldn't be needing it.

[SIGHS]

Well, no problem,
report it lost.

- You'll get another in a few weeks time.
- DAVE: A few weeks?

With Archie Simpson on the rampage,
and Rycott marking our cards?

No, listen, fellas.

I've learnt a few things
in the past few days.

Never go back, they say,
and I reckon they're right.

No, I'm not saying that you fellas
have made a mug out of me,

but, well, I can see that things
aren't the way I thought they was

so I'll just...
slip away

and leave you to get on
with it in peace and quiet.

Fair enough, Jack.

I'll settle up with you
next time I'll see you.

Hang on.
Hang on, hang on.

I know this geezer.
He's got a boat.

He does the odd run
across to Holland.

Put it there, Des.
I knew you wouldn't let me down.

Make a decision
and act on it.

That's what I like.
Don't let the grass grow.

The thing is,
if he does agree,

it'll be a bit expensive
so...

how can we raise the cash?

Arthur.

Eh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, wait a minute!

What have they been doing there?
Having a tupperware party?

No sign of Wragg there.

He'll be out.

Come on, sunshine,
time to get up.

They'll be here soon.

Archie.

Why do bloody sailors
have to do everything in the morning?

Got to catch the tide, Arthur.

You didn't have to come
in the first place.

I want to see that my money
goes where it's intended.

I actually want to see
Jack set sail.

Then I might get some sleep.

Amsterdam.
Beautiful city, that.

I might stay there.
Forget about Spain.

Make it handier if I wanna
pop over and visit you blokes.

Yeah, well, take a little time
to settle in, Jack.

You know, say, about


- OK?
- I'm all right.

- Nice to see you.
- Hello, sailor.

Who the bloody hell's this?

- Don't worry. This is your man.
- £800 for a ride in this?

We're only hiring it,
not buying it.

- Take no notice, he's all right.
- Is that lot with you?

Oh, my God.

I might have guessed.
Come on.

[GRUNTING]

[YELLING]

[SCREAMS]

[YELLS]

- Man overboard!
- ARCHIE: Get me out of here!

Come on, then, or do you wanna
join him? Go on.

All right, Archie.

[ARCHIE YELLS]

- Cast off, Arth.
- You what?

Give us a push!

Come on, Arthur,
give us a push, for God's sake.

I am pushing!

Ah?

- Oi, no!
- Ah!

Dear, oh, dear.

- Come on, Arthur.
- Help me!

- Yeah, got you.
- Give us your hand.

- I swallowed some!
- I'll get bloody food poisoning.

Ough!

Don't make my watch all wet.

JACK: Fellas,
it was nice while it lasted!

Hasta luego, fellas!

- Yeah, ta-ra, Jacko!
- See you, Jack!

- Have a good trip!
- Say goodbye to Jacko.

- Ooh.
- You go ahead, Arthur.

- Didn't tolerate, isn't he?
- Oh, it's horrible.

ARCHIE: What are playing at?

Hasta luego, Archie.

I'll make it up to you next time.
Amigo.

[ARCHIE SCREAMS]

The boat was going one way,
his little legs were going.

- Help, Terrence!
- Ha-ha.

- Wish I had a camera, honestly.
- It was like one of those old films.

- Yeah.
- [LAUGHING]

- Terrific, honestly.
- Oh! Look who's here.

Esther Williams.
[LAUGHING]

How about that, then?

That's handy, innit? A pair of jeans
you can wear over your shoulder.

No, no, no,
have a look.

Jeans with no legs,
that'll go down a b*mb.

It's a handbag.

- Hey, it looks like a fly zip, this.
- That's a gimmick, see?

- That's very tasteful.
- Don't put your hand in there. [LAUGHTS]

You don't know
what the purse is like.

Nice bit of denim though.

I wouldn't mind a pair of jeans
made out of that.

Ah, ah, ah!

- Don't flare up!
- [LAUGHS]

- [LAUGHS]
- Come on, smile.

DENNIS WATERMAN:
"I Could Be So Good For You"

♪ If you want to
I'll change the situation

♪ Right people right time

♪ Just the wrong location

♪ I've got a good idea

♪ Just you keep me near,
I'll be so good for you

♪ I could be so good for you,
I'm gonna help you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ I'll do anything for you ooh-ooh

♪ I'll be so good for you

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ I'll do it like you want me to

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ There ain't nothing
I can't go through ooh-ooh

♪ I'll be so good for you ♪