04x02 - Rocky Eight and a Half

[bunniefuu]

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ Love you like you want me to.

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ Love you like you want me to... ♪

Morning Vi, sleep well?
Yes, I slept well, ta.

No, the boys aren't up yet.
Yes, I've fed the cat.

Curtains open up for
breakfast this morning, Vi?

Lovely day, lovely.

Vi?

Vi?

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

It must be Dad.

What's he up to?

Can't anyone sleep in this house?
It's not even eight yet!

Morning, Sonia!

- What's the big idea, Dad?
- Cor blimey...

You're out of your pit
before midday?

Hadn't you er...
better take Mum for her breakfast?

No mach point, son.

What do you mean 'no point'?

- Is she alright?
- In a manner of speaking.

What's he on about?

She's passed on.

- Oh, my God!
- Come on, Johnny.

On your bike, Derek.

[JAZZ MUSIC CONTINUES]

Hello, Charlie. Arthur here.
How's tricks?

Look. I've just take the delivery
of something rather special.

I though you might be interested in.

Listen to this, Charlie:

"The Spirit of Parliament".

"Highland Scotch Whiskey
exclusivly blended for the House of Commons".

"Not for sale
to the common public".

There you go squire...

..have a nice day.

I've got 12 cases, and I'm knocking them out
at half a ton a case.

What do you say, Charlie?

Joking! Forty.

Listen, Charlie, we're talking about
top-notch scotch,

and this is your real
falling-down juice.

You what?
Alright, alright.

I'll get back later, Charlie.

Tight-fisted git!
Nice drop of scotch?



From the well known
clan of McKamikazes?

Very droll!

"I'll be in Tokyo afore ye!"
CHUCKLES

Terry, the Japs have got this down
to a fine art.

You can't tell the difference.
Wear kilts up there in Japan.

Here, do one for us, will you?

I wanna bung Johnny Caine
a couple of bottles.

- Who's he when he's at home?
- One of Cecil Caine's boys.

- Her Indoors do these?
- You know Cecil Caine,

got that big garage
on the ring road.

- Mercs and Rollers, wall to wall.
- Ahmhw.

Gwhou gkhow...
You know how he started?

Mending push bikes
in a garden shed in a 20'.

Marvelous pro.
He was the first geezer

to stuff bri-nylon shirts
down a dodgy gearbox.

His name is revered on the car
lots of this town, Terry.

One of your
veteran villain mates, eh?

Oh, in the mists of time, Terry.
Mists of time.

[GLASS BEING FILLED]

You do not have to lick the labels.
You purchase a small sponge, dampen it,

apply to the gluey side
and the rest is a doddle.

Well, do it yourself, then.

- It's early closing, innit?
- No, it can't be.

- Looks like it.
- No, no, no, there he is.

We'll sort it later, Terry.

We won't sort it later.
Oi, you! Oi!

I'm not doing a stroke
until I get a few subs in my pocket.

- Terry.
- Now!

Oh... Alright!

- Twenty.
- Thirty.

Here. There's twenty-five here.
Now shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

Johnny old son, good to see you!

Early closing?

No, no, no, no.
Extraordinary circumstances.

Shall we... Shall we get on?
It's round the back.

Lead me to it.

Oh yes, '76 Corniche.

Coachwork by Mulliner Park Ward,

automatic,
air conditioning,

duplicated power brakes.

Spot on, Arthur.

Oh! And there's those
Camargue-style front seats.

Oh I nearly forgot, Johnny.

- Little present for you.
- Oh, ta.

- Clock the label.
- Yeah, nice.

You alright Johnny?
You look a bit long in the boat.

What's up?

- You look like someone's died.
- Yeah.

Mum, actually.

Oh, my Gawd!

Johnny, what can I say?

Talk about foot in it.

No, it's alright,
you weren't to know.

Poor old Vi.
How's Cecil taking it?

He's a bit wobbly, as it happens.

Mind you, it wasn't exactly a surprise.
She have to take to her bed 5 years ago.

And the old man
has been looking after her since.

No?

- Look, Johnny, do you want to call this off?
- No, no. Nah.

No, might as well do it.
Life must go on.

True, true, in the midst of death,
we are... and all that.

- You bring the down payment?
- 3.5 K's.

Returnable while end of the week
if I change my mind.

Otherwise the balance
is due over 2 months.

- Ignition key, Arthur.
- Ta.

Oh, when's the funeral?
I feel I ought to attend.

- No, no, no, Arthur...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah...

- No, there's no call...
- I insist.

Vi and Cecil
hold a very special place in my heart.

I'd never forgive
myself for not showing.

- Well, it's tomorrow as it happens.
- Right

Mind you, Arthur, I'd rather you didn't
bowl up in the Corniche.

- Key goes in the middle.
- Oh, yes.

In fact I'd rather you
don't mention it at all.

'Cos the old man and Derek
might just get a bit...

- agitated.
- Say no more, Johnny. Say no more.

- Your gain is my gain.
- Air conditioning in the middle.

Her Indoors will be over the moon.
She's got this fit, you see?

Well, I'll just run it round
the block a few times,

make sure the wheels don't fall off!
LAUGHTS.

Give Cecil my heart felt
deepest condolences.

Appreciate that.

- Nice car, captain.
- Oh, ta.

Cuppa tea, captain?
Fiver for a cup of tea?

A fiver? Where're you going,
to Savoy?

A quid then.
A quid for a nice hot meal.

Alright, pal.
A quid, it is. There you are.

Parasite ponce.

- Pardon?
- Parasite!

Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
Very nice.

World's worst git!

Police ought to get such people
off the streets.

You want to get your
entrance cleaned up, Dave.

Large vodka and tonic.

Charity stays at home
from now on, I tell you.

I'll have a lager an'all.

- Vagrants they should be licensed.
- What are you rambling on about?

Hey, hey. Have you told Dave about
your... afternoon's work, you know?

- No, no, no.
- Good, good, good.

Dave,
have a look at that.

That's very intriguing, Arthur.

I've got a dozen cases.
What do you reckon?

Question is, Arthur,
how did you come by it?

I mean,
I can't be too careful.

No, no, no, Dave.
Strictly between the 3 of us.

My local MP drops in occasionally
for a drink

and er...
grass roots advice.

Yeas, he's on very good terms
with his member.

Yeah,

and he done me a favour.

Trouble is, Arthur,
you...

You should've stuck some of this labels on
upside down.

- Why?
- You see, for the optics.

Ahh. Why didn't we think of that?

- You done 'em all, Tel?
- TERRY GRUNTS WITH LAUGHTER

Very amusing, very amusing.
I shell go elsewhere.

- And you will be the looser.
- Dear, oh, dear!

And take that smile off your face too.
We're going to a funeral tomorrow.

I thought you were with him.

I had to change, didn't I,
I left him with Derek.

O-h*, magic.
What he just said he wanted to.

Take a stroll in the garden,
yes, we know.

- Why don't you get the kids inside Derek?
- Oh, Tracy, Nick.

Come here.

Nice to see you.

What are you doing here?

- She was my mother-in-law too, wasn't she?
- We got divorced, remember?

And who's that?

A friend.

There's no pickings, Christine.

I don't know what you mean.

Sorry we're late, Johnny.

- Sad day.
- Yeah.

Even sadder,
if the old man don't show up.

Ai?
Isn't he here?

He went off first thing this morning,
God knows where.

I tell you this, Arthur,
I hate to say...

Yeah, thank you. Thank you.
I hate to say this,

but I think the poor old sod
needs protecting from himself.

Where the bloody
have you been?

- Who are you?
- Arthur Daley.

Oh, yes.
Funny, Vi couldn't stand you.

- And who is this?
- My boy, Terry.

Minder, eh?
Nice day for it, Terrence?

Yeah. Lovely.

Bit of a hard nut,
are you, Terrence?

Why don't you come round the house later.
Bring your Arthur with you, if you like.

Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today.

to commit to God our dear sister

Violet Constance Caine.

[HYMN SINGING]

[HYMN SINGING]

[HYMN SINGING]

I'm gonna do the old b*stard,
I swear it.

When we get him back to the house,
but this time he stays there.

Until we get him put away.
Legally.

But how... How are we going
to get him to go along with that?

ALL: Amen.

And now for a piece of music

requested by the husband
of the dear departed.

♪ GERSHWIN: Rhapsody In Blue

[DISAPPROVING WHISPERS]

We'll have him sedated.
I swear...

Stop yacking.

Show some respect, for God's sake.

I like a nice family get-together,
don't you?

Shush.

You've done very well indeed, Alf.
Very well indeed.

[CONVERSATIONS]

Hello, I'm Sheila Jones.

Eh, er...
I'm Terry McCann.

- Can I get you another drink?
- No, I'm fine. That's just...

Aren't you pestering my secretary,
young man?

You wanna watch him. He's a right
tearaway, a right hard nut.

- I don't believe a word of it.
- h*-hoo.

SIGHS

You're looking very well.

Very moving, Cecil.
Very moving.

Leave it all off, Arthur.
It was a right mons and you know it.

Wuld you get me
another glass of wine, please?

Oh, yes, of course.

- Goodbye.
- Ta-ra.

I don't think we've been introduced.

- Well, I'm Terry McCann.
- Christine Caine.

Doctor,

we'll... we'll get you meet him
as soon as we can.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Right!
Come on in here, you lot.

In the hall, please.

Come on, all of you.

Come on.

Come on,
come on.

Come on right now.
Now shut up, shut up. Shut up.

Right! Now I got you all under one roof,
I'd like to say a few words.

Firstly,
I'm deeply moved to see

the family all together to pay tribute
to Vi, a fine wife and mother.

There's Johnny here,
my oldest with a...

glass in his fist as usual,
but only why shouldn't he...

after what he's been through today?
Mm?

And there's Derek,

Derek's there, stricken with grief,
despite appearances to the contrary.

And there's Sonia,
Derek's wife, my delightful...

daughter-in-law. And then
Tracey and Nicky there, my grandchildren.

All of them have been a great help,
on the...

extremely rare occasions
they seemed fit a call on me.

Oh, and of course, not forget
the beautiful Christine.

Johnny's ex-wife

who done a runner some years ago.

But who'd blame her,
after being married to Johnny?

Nah, damn it...
For crying out loud!

Second!

Second...

My plans... for the future.

Certain religious gents in India,
having knocked their pipes all over the years

make a few bobs for their families,
chuck it all in an' shoo off

with loin cloth and a begging bowl,

in order to make up
for all the...

conniving, back fight
and general order in safe committed

in order to make as the before said
make a few bob.

Well,
I'm doing likewise.

Except I don't fancy a loin cloth.
And I got a pension book.

Now, the entire business

would be made over to my two
deserving sons and..

not to mention this...
monstrosity of a gaff.

I wish I will be very busy
on my travels,

I doubt if I should be seeing
any of you lot again.

I'm sure this will come as much as a relief
to you as what it is to me.

Right.

Now push off.
Go on, go on.

Go on, trough up.

Erm...

A word with you and your lad,
Arthur.

And go to the drawing room. There is a door
on the left down the hall. Meet me in there.

- Certainly, be delighted, Cecil.
- Right. Excuse me.

Watch out!

What's the matter with you lot?
Should be over the moon.

OK, Dad.
Well, we are, we are.

- Who is this?
- My Doc, Dad. Dr Roberts.

- Are you ill or something?
- No, we just thought that,

as you are under a terrible strain,
Dr Roberts could give you something.

Yeah, just to help you over this,
what is after all, over a dodgy time.

Oh, yeah?

Probably right.

I tell you, erm...
I'm just going to go to have a jimmy, Doctor.

When I come back, perhaps you'd like
to check me over.

I haven't been feeling myself early days,
that's the fact.

- Did you see that Christine?
- Which one's that?

- Long blonde job.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I might be in there.

- Terry, we're attend at a funeral!
- Yeah, that's good, innit?

This is no time
to be after a bit of the other.

What did she say?

Things are happening quicker
than I thought.

Did you eyeball that doctor come out?

A right straight-jacket
merchant of a varsolo!

Come on,
have I got to do this on my own?

Oh, Terry.
Terry, help Mr Caine.

You interested in
gainful employment, Terrence?

Oh, well, as it happens
I'm a bit busy at the moment.

Yes, we're...
pretty full up at the...

moment, Cecil.
Modest endeavors but... our own.

Don't want to get involved with a
barmy old geezer like me, eh, Terrence?

- Something like that, yeah.
- Terrence, how can you say such a thing?

Always got time for old friends, Cecil.

Right.

Give us your address, Terry.
Paper on the desk.

I'll do it.

- Hold on, Arthur. Hold on!
- No, it's alright, I know your address.

- I don't want to get involved.
- No, no, no.

Give a geriatric leave an' break,
eh, Terrence?

That is right, innit?

Yeah.

He's been gone 5 minutes.

And I can't see that dodgy
friend of yours Daley anywhere.

Bloody hell.

- Right, time to blow.
- I'll open the door for you.

No, no, not the door, nutter!
Do you could joking?

- It's locked with the key.
- [BANGS ON THE DOOR] Open the door!

Take your time.
Cheerybye!

- Where's the key?
- [BANGS ON THE DOOR]

- Where's the key?
- He said take your time.

- [BANGS ON THE DOOR]
- Terry...

Just coming, just coming.

I was just saying -
one moment he was there,

and then he was gone
in most extraordinary behaviour.

- Where's he gone?
- Oi, oi, oi, oi!

- That won't get you anywhere, pal.
- Yeah.

That sounds like Dad's motorbike.

Er... Johnny!
A word, Johnny, a word.

- Johnny, now we're in bed together...
- What?!

Businesswise 'cos,
businesswise.

Look, I promise you I should do everything
I para to help. Stand on me.

That's exactly what I will do, Daley,
if you get my old man in shtook!

Cross the thought from your mind,
Johnny.

Oh, sorry.
Excuse me.

Terry!

- Goodbye, Mr Daley.
- Goodbye.

Pardon me.

- Goodbye, Mr McCann.
- Yeah, ta-ra.

Bye-bye, Johnny.

It's ridiculous
letting them go like this.

If you want to stop them Sonia,
you stop them.

I'm not worried about Daley.

I've got leverage.

[CAR DOOR BANGS]

Now, what sort of berk parked there, eh?

- What do you reckon 'bout it, Terry?
- I reckon we oughta let his tyres down.

Parking right in front of an entrance
and all.

Don't be silly.
Let the tyres down?

What is it
with these people?

They parking on this, think
they can park on anywhere.

Terry. Terry. It's mine.

Yeah. I mean, it gets right up my nose,
it really does.

Terry. Terry. Why do you think I had you
drive me round to Johnny Caine's garage?

- I don't know.
- It is mine.

Of me. It.

You?

You bought this bleeding thing?

I have simply made
a modest down payment.

I have the whip hand as ever,
and it is not a "bleeding thing."

It is a vehicle of great dignity.

It tells you a lot about it's owner
a car like that.

Yeah.
Like, "Look at me, what a wally."

It inspires confidence,
and what is good for me, is good for you.

Here. Come on, have a drive.

Go on, go around
and pull it around the block.

- Automatic, is it?
- Yeah, of course. Come on, get in.

I'll show you
the air conditioning.

There you go. Isn't that nice?

I tell you what,

let's nip round the Winchester
for a swift one.

- Yeah, why not.
- Help me out.

What's the matter?

You don't honestly think
I'm gonna drive this thing around

with you poncing about in the back,
do you?

Next thing you'll want me to wear
a peaked cap, won't you?

It had crossed my mind, Terrence.

It's only a joke.

Terry!
Terry, where's you sense of humour?

Terry,
I can't get out!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Leave me alone, Arthur.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Gordon Bennett!

I'm trying to have a kip,
didn't I?!

What? What?

In the afternoon?

What do you want then?

Oh, charming, I'm sure!
Here.

Oh yes, oh yes, very nice little place.
Very cosy. Very cosy.

I don't like the music much, though.

Excuse me, no offence, Mr Caine.

That's alright, son, it's alright.
You can call me Cecil.

Now then?
Do you know what this is?

They call them
Ghetto blasters.

[LOUD JAZZ MUSIC]

Hold on. Hold on!

Bag it.

Alright, Cecil.
Has anyone know you're here?

Certainly not.

Well, they could be worried, won't they?

Worried? Worried?
They'll be out their tiny minds!

I tell you what.

I'll go phone them.

You stay here, make yourself comfortable.
I'll tell them you're alright.

- Then I'll drive you home, OK?
- What? What?

Deliver me up
to the thieving b*stards.

[SIGH]
No, Terrence.

I do not intend to spend
the rest of my days shut up

in some geriatric nick-played
housy-housy

with a bunch of old dears,
while my family live it up on my savings.

Look, alright, Cel. They might have
a funny way of showing it, right?

but they got be worried
over their heads.

I mean, you've given them the garage,
that huge great house.

You don't really think
they're after your savings as well, do you?

No, no, no.
You see...

You're talking about assets,
not ready cash.

No, I grafted in my cach.

We're not talking about a few quid
in the tea caddy.

If they want cash, they'll have to graft now,
and they hate grafting, believe me.

Give me a year,
they'll be selling up to pay the phone bills.

They will!

They will!
HUMS

Hello, Dave,
had a bit of a punch-up?

Yes.
Good as.

Jock McCliesh was in here
with some of his boys.

They were
celebrating something,

that involve
tearing each other from limb to limb.

- Could I have a large one, Dave?
- I think I'll have one too.

Jock McCliesh, eh?

There's a thought.

He still got that 'orrible little club
in Kings Cross?

Yeah.

Are you still charging that Scotch?

That would be some of the chalk up,
wouldn't it?

Selling Jap Scotch
to the Tartan Terror.

I know who'd do the chalking
if he found out.

It's worth thinking about
anyway.

Did I tell you I'd got a new car?

The whole manor is talking about it,
Arthur.

Well,
I thought it's about time.

Her Indoors is chuffed
to her moon boots.

You know
what in her feet and everything.

You er...
You want to come to have a look?

They all look the same
to me, Arthur.

Dave,
it's a Corniche!

I do not care
if it's a Cornish pasty.

Frankly,
it gives me the hump.

You swanning about the thing
like that

while I'm subsidising your drinking
to the tune of...

- ..147 pounds
- ARTHUR COUGHED

- ..and 37 pence. Here.
- What? What?

And that's not counting the one
you've just poured all over the bar.

- Daley!
- Another?

- Is this a mate of yours?
- Oh, no!

I have the words, Daley!
Large brandy quick as you can.

- Johnny, let's talk about...
- Where is my father, Daley?

- What you have done with him?
- End of my heart, I haven't the foggiest.

He's with McCann, isn't he?

Nonsense!
You're striking with grief, Johnny.

No, Daley. He's old man, his mind's gone
and you're hiding him from me!

- No, no.
- Now calm down, pal.

Look, Johnny.
A nice arrangement to the matter.

Do you honestly think,
would I risk...

You would risk trying to rip off
an old man of his life savings?

Keep it down, will you, pal?

Have your drink, Johnny.
Have your drink.

If you lay a finger on my old man,
Daley, I'll have you up!

Daley's slate.
Daley!

- This your car, sir?
- Yes.

Er... no.

Well... almost.
Excuse me

Daley!

This your car, sir?

Yeah. Yes.

No... No, it's...
It's not mine.

I got married
when I was 18.

I was green as grass. I mean I didn't know
me backside from a hole in the ground.

Well, it turned out

that I had married a woman

who couldn't stand a sight of me.

And thought that holding hands
was a criminal offence.

Well, in them days you
kept shtum and you pretended.

Well, I've been pretending a long time
and now I don't have to.

Now I take it to some people's noses
as too bad.

I got a lot of catching up to do, son.

I haven't lost me marbles.

I'm just a...
an old geezer

who wants to get a few in...

..afore the lights go out.

Yeah. Alright, alright.
So...

this catching up you've got to do,
what you'll do, what's the plan?

The industrial waterways
of Great Britain.

Beg your pardon?

I've bought a narrow boat

in which I plan
to tour the rivers and canals

of this great country of ours.

All four miles an hour,

and I've transferred all my LP's
and 78's onto tape.

Well, yeah... Sounds...
Sounds terrific.

Terrific.
And with your help, Terrence,

I can get it all tucked up in the bank.
All I need is until Monday.

Monday.

Deal?

- Alright, but only till Monday.
- Right, right.

Oy!

Er... er...
Morning, captain.

Just... relaxing beneath
this fine example

- of capitalist exploitation.
- Oh, my God.

You been pointing that your breath
at my under-seal all night?

Small remuneration, captain,
for caretaking of the vehicle.

Hop it, Karl Marx!

Oh, no!

Ooh...
Anti-theft device, Captain, eh?

Very wise that.
Very wise.

[LAUGHS]

What are you laughing for?

- 21... 22...
- [CECIL BREATHS HEAVILY]

Well, take it easy, you don't want
to knock your pipe out, do you?

[PHONE RINGS]

[CECIL BREATHS HEAVILY]

Hello?

Yeah, yeah.
Oh, hold on.

Well, as it happens,
he is here. Yes, yeah.

Keep the old goat under wraps
'til I get there.

I'm sorry, no can do.

We've got to check out Cecil's boat,
aren't we?

On the river.

What's it called?

The Thames.

The Thames.

Do you mind?
I'm not in the mood.

Look, just tell me
where you going to be.

He says what?

Untrustworthy!
Me?

Listen. I'm dealing with a very
delicate situation at the moment

with jolly Johnny chasing me
all over the manor.

And I need you
to go and pick up the Roller.

- Why?
- It's been clamped.

Now listen, Arthur. You told me to work
for him, so that's what I'm doing, alright?

I'll be in touch later.
Yeah. Bye-bye.

So...

things didn't quite work out
with you and Daley last night?

That's unlikely.

- You mean you were pissed.
- Listen.

The old man must be plugged into a God knows
how many of banks and building societies.

He won't have kept it all
at home,

so we know we've got until the weekend
to find him.

Now I wasn't going to mention this
but...

I've done a little deal with Daley.

over a motor.

- Oh you did, did you?
- Yeah.

So I'm reclaiming it today.

And he'll be beggin' me
to help me out.

Oh, really?

Unless you'd rather your husband
went after Daley?

Are you, Sonia?

Hello.

Can you spare me a moment,
my sweetness?

What the bloody hell
do you want?

Well, just as it,
Christine phoned me up.

You?
What for?

Well,
it transpires that

she knows where McCann
hangs out... sort of thing.

Having any bob
you gonna love this.

I've spot a triple time for you.
The reclaiming number.

Chap's being a bit... casual
with one of our Corniches.

So you reclaim it,
and bring him along with it.

Now, don't go ape,
just warm his c*ck up a bit again.

- You'll find it there, that's the number.
- Well, OK, boss.

Ay?

- Is Jock in?
- Who wants him?

- Daley.
- Who?

- Arthur Daley.
- It's Arthur Daley. Right.

- He's having his breakfast.
- Oh, that's alright.

Daley.

Maximum security, eh Jock?

Haven't you heard?

We're at w*r with our
West Indian friends around here.

- Oh, yeah.
- Cornflakes, Daley?

Oh, no, no.
I had my muesli earlier.

- What is that then?
- Take a look at that, Jock.

"Spirit Of Parliament."

What thouse cleaving b*stards
wanted on leave, eh?

Think of drinking that as an
anti-establishment gesture, Jock.

Oh, no, no, no.
It's a bit too early.

Well, why not?

Cheers, Jock.

- Aye, not bad.
- I've got 11 cases.

- 35 a go, what do you say?
- We'll see.

Good.
I've got to blow, Jock.

I've opened a bottle,
canna leave a drop in it now.

Oh, no. No, of course not.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Could I have a little water?

Cor! I've never seen
anything like it in my life.

No Jack the lad in a purple Capri
does that to me on the open road, pally.

Listen, if you want to commit
a voluntary euthanasia, you do it without me!

When heavy traffic is concerned,
motorcyclists have a saying:

"There's always a gap".

- Yeah, between your bleeding heroes.
- Oh, charming.

Right!
There she is.

Oh dear, oh, Lord!
[CHUCKLES]

What a little gin palace, eh?

That'll look smart only parked up
down the South of France!

You say what you like

but she was built for the job.

Steel hull lasts for years,
diesel engine likewise.

This little downing, I tell you,
will go through any lock in the country.

Come on,
I'll show you round.

Will we both fit in?

Dear old Lord! I can see
why they call them narrow boats!

- All designed with a purpose in mind.
- Oh, yeah?

I bet going to the khazi
is a challenging experience.

Everything close to hand, Terrence.

That's exactly what I mean.
It's ridiculous going...

What are you doing?

This briefcase, makes me feel
like a travelling salesman.

How much you got in there?

Oh, er... 30 thousand,
give or take a century.

[DUCK QUACKS]

Mind if we...
Mind if we join you?

Lovely day.
Lovely day.

You're...

you work round here, do you?

I don't know. Two beautiful girls
like you having to work!

It's does not seemed right,
does it, Terrence?

Hear, listen.
What if...

What you...
[LAUGHS]

what you need...
is a father figure.

- [GIRLS LAUGHS]
- Yeah, you do.

..with... with a bit of...
with a bit of cash. Here.

- Cop a load of this.
- Cecil!

Goy! Are you sure
your father's allowed out?

He is not my father!

You behave yourself.

I reckon my crumpet-pulling days
are over.

With your technique,
I'm not surprised!

Now listen.
I hardly ever walk out on jobs, right?

But if you don't behave yourself,
that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Alright, alright, alright.

Oh!

Miss Jones!

Sorry I'm late, Mr Caine.

Hello, Terry.

Sheila Jones,
we met at the funeral.

My former secretary.

That's right. Yeah, of couse.

- Do you want a drink?
- No, no. I haven't got a time.

Now, then, Mr Caine,
down to business.

Everything is arranged for tomorrow,

Ow, and I managed to sort out
that straight deposit account in Enfield.

So, all you got to do now
is sign that.

Right. Excellent, excellent.

The epitome of efficiency as usual,
Miss Jones.

- Thank you.
- By the way...

Young Terrence here,
he will accompany you tomorrow.

Will I?

Oh, good!
That'll be nice.

- Hang on. There.
- Ah.

Only er...
Hold on, excuse me.

Am I right in thinking
that Miss Jones

is now walking away with the...

With the readies, with the readies,
that's right.

Much safer
with the capable Miss Jones.

[SIGHS]
Well, now must be off.

Now you two
behave yourselves.

See you tomorrow then,
Terry.

Yeah.

God!
What a cr*cker!

Brings tears
to an old man's eyes.

That do much for young man!

I tell you something.
[SIGHS]

Get on the dog,

invite old Arthur down here
for an evening on the river.

- Arthur?
- Why not?

Poor old bugger's probably feeling
a bit left out of it.

Just for we'll have a little chat,
Arthur.

Eh, wait, Johnny, I... I was...
I was going to bring it...

..back in a will. I'm on reflection.
I prefer the four-door.

So, if I could just have
my deposit back?

Deposit?
Nah, nah.

Let's just call it rent, Arthur.

- No, no. Don't push me...
- Where's our man, Daley?

Ehm...

Well, well, he's with Terry.
This is true.

But on my life, on my family's,
on my Bank manager's life,

I do not know where.

- Eddie, I think you ought to.
- Hit him.

No, no, no! No violence!
I got this terrible nausea.

I couldn't be responsible
for the consequences.

I told him chucking up
all over me over all this, boss.

If I could just...
pay a little visit.

OK.

Ta.

[MOANS]

Urrgggh!

Urrgggh!

Urrgggh!

[DOOR CLOSES]

- He's gone!
- Quick! Round the back!

Come on!

Oh, no!

Spread out, Derek!
Derek, spread out!

Nah, it's...
It's too late, it's too late, he's gone.

Psst! Dave!

We're closed.

- Dave!
- Arthur! Oh, sh*t...

- What's wrong with the front door then?
- I think I've had an heart attack.

Oh. That explains it, then.

- Could I have a glass of water?
- Water?

Yeah. Course.

What's happened then?
Had to pushed up the Roller?

All that. Bloody Silver Lady.
I think she's the patron saint of vandals.

- Here.
- Thank you.

More the way.
Tel phoned.

He wants you to meet him
down by the river.

What?
Where? Where? Where?

- Phone, phone, Dave. Phone.
- Right behind you.

Right.

Oh, Dave.
This is rather confidential.

Be my guest.

Oh, er...
Mr John Caine?

Mr Arthur Daley.

No, no, no, no, no. No, no.
We don't want no more of that sort of talk!

We're going to renew our relationship,
on a very different basis.

You think McCann will show up?

Yes.

This small-time crooks,
can never stay away from home.

You sure there's any fish this far up?

Louis Armstrong, you ignoramus.

I think these maggots
are pacifists.

Don't tell me
there's people round here

who don't know Louis Armstrong
when they hear him.

Terry!
Te...

Terry!

Unless all the fish have
slung their opticals!

Get it?
[LAUGHS]

I tell you something, I don't reckon
there're any flaming fish in this river.

Terry!
You deaf or something?

[TURNS VOLUME ON MAX]

- Oh, God!
- Gordon Bennet! Oh, my known...

Very decadent, isn't it?
Very Terence McCann!

I have been kidnapped,
I've had a coronary

and here you are,
sitting an' having a quiet fish!

- Nice to see you too, Arthur.
- You in a spot of bother, Arthur?

No, no, no, it's all sorted, Cecil.
Just a little minor person crisis.

Nothing to worry you about.

I want a word with you,
at the blunt end.

Terry, in the circs, I think
the wiser thing we can do is leg it

as quickly and quietly
as possible.

What circs are they?

We've fulfilled our obligations.
Time to move on to other things.

- Bumped into Johnny, have we?
- Johnny?

- Mm.
- Johnny who?

Oh, that Johnny!
No, no, no. Course not.

What's that to do
with anything anyway?

No, search me, Arthur!

The thing is, Cecil is going to need
a hand tomorrow, so I'm gonna stick about.

Mind you, if you want to blow,
blow.

- You expecting someone?
- No, no, no, certainly not! No.

Well, if you wanna stick here
I might as well stay with you.

Help humour the old loony.
Oh, hello, Cecil.

I thought I'd rustle up
some nose bag.

Yeah, Arthur's gonna stay with us.

Ah. Nice.

You can sleep in the sharp end!

[JAZZ MUSIC ON RADIO]

Morning, Arthur.

You've done very well, my old son,
very well indeed.

- Where's my boy?
- Earning his crust.

You like your sausages soggy,
do you?

Cor, dear!

It's four banks, left-luggage locker
at Euston Station, now a newsagent,

Every time you come out,
it gets heavier.

I know it's difficult
coping with money, isn't it?

- So what do we do with it?
- Take it back to Mr Caine.

You're crackers, aren't you?! I mean
the whole family is jumping out his neck now.

- I mean if they...
- Terry! Would you say

generally speaking, that Mr Caine
knew what he was doing?

[DUCK QUACKS]

- There's young Tel.
- What?

Oh, yeah!

Oh, my good Gawd!

- You alright, Arthur?
- Call of nature.

Cecil!

McCann!

Cecil!
Tor God's sake, oi!

Come on, McCann,
something in the bag, eh?

- I want that case.
- Come and get it then.

Used to be I'm good at it.

Eddie. Bob.

- Come on! Come on get him!
- Alright.

[DUCKS QUACKS]

Go on. Get him!

What are you waiting for?!

Arrgh!

You, bloody barrister,
wanted to get rid of me!

Can't you swim?
Can't you swim?

I should leave you here to drown.

Arrgh!

I thought I heard a commotion.

Are you John Harold Caine,
of the Laurels, Hurstfield Drive?

Yeah.

We wish to talk to you.

Concerning money is owning
to the Customs and Excise.

Related to Value Added Tax payments.

Oh, my Gawd, the Vatman.

Come here!

That Sheila
has stitched Cecil up like a kipper.

[GIGGLES]

Eh...
Not necessarily.

Oh, rather...
Stu...

Dad!

Oh, no...

No, please!

Oh. No!
That's...

Dad!

Oh, please!
Daddy!

He's coming back!

Dad!

Come on! Come on!
He's got the money!

Dad!

I'll handle this.

Oh, no, this is mine.

Frankly, darling,
I think I'm better qualified.

- Terry!
- Terry!

Both of them?

Yeah.

At the same time?

Yeah.

Are you tired?

- No, I only made them coffee.
- Oh, Terry!

Cor, they were well choked
when I told them the old Cecil got away.

Mm!

It seems the old man and his secretary
have been fiddling the VAT,

petty cash, inland revenue, you name it
for 10 years.

Course, nothing was in his name.
Vi and Johnny own the firm.

And now it's just poor old Johnny
with all the bills to pay.

Ha-ha.
My heart bleeds for him.

- He is a disgrace!
- Mm?

That old goat sitting there with
that lovely girl and all that cash.

[TERRY GIGGLES]

Slippery as soap on a door handle,
isn't he?

Excuse me, gents,
we have a visitor.

Terry.

Hi, Jock.
How's it going?

I wanna discuss a matter of
spelling with you.

- Spelling?
- Yeah.

- On this label.
- Label?

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
Label, yeah! Er... Be...

Sit down, Jock,
and I'll explain that to you.

See, it's a... little quirk
of the English Language,

you probably
not familiar with.

See, you say "Parlament".

But it's spelt
"Parl-i-ament".

Well, I'm talking about "Whisky"
with an "e".

Whiskey with an "e"
is favoured by our Irish friends.

Oh?

Oh, yeah. That's all to do with the...
General Election.

- Isn't it, Terry?
- Yeah, yeah.

See, her indoores at No 10,
she...

- Made an E-dict.
- Made an E-dict.

"E-dict." See? Any whisky
drunk at the House of Commons,

must have an "e" in it.

- And it's not...
- Don't panic, Arthur!

It's just the label
I'm complaining about.

Whisky is great,
I'll take another 5 cases.

Oh. Dave.
Drinks all round.

- 'Course. Large ones?
- Don't be silly.

Come on then, have a pew.
Here you go.

DENNIS WATERMAN:
"I Could Be So Good For You"

♪ If you want to
I'll change the situation

♪ Right people right time

♪ Just the wrong location

♪ I've got a good idea

♪ Just you keep me near,
I'll be so good for you

♪ I could be so good for you,
I'm gonna help you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ I'll do anything for you ooh-ooh

♪ I'll be so good for you

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ I'll do it like you want me to

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ There ain't nothing
I can't go through ooh-ooh

♪ I'll be so good for you ♪