04x06 - The Car Lot Baggers

[bunniefuu]

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ Love you like you want me to ♪

What's the name of that place
again?

The Winchester.
It's a... drinking club.

I don't suppose you've thought
of that joker's name yet.

No. I know it's Arthur
something or other.

I've got the photo.

Dee, London isn't Sydney.

It's 30 miles across

and it's got nearly as many people
as the whole of Australia.

And you're expecting to find one bloke
you're not even sure is here.

You must be out of your tiny mind.

Maybe.

There we go.

[ENGINE FAILS]

Come on, then!
Come on!

[ENGINE FAILS]

Come up!
They're pulling away!

What are you fiddling about at,
you fool?!

I can't help it, guv, can I?
I said last week it needs servicing.

We've lost them.

You know what, Carp?
Inheriting you from Sgt Chisholm

is not dissimilar to inheriting
death duties.

You know your trouble,
my son?

Total ignorance of the times
we live in.

No historical perspective,
that's your problem.

You know what they say about
history repeating itself.

- Shouldn't do it in company?
- Oh. Very amusing, Terence, very droll.

And here you are
turning down gainful employment.

And here you're giving me GBH
of the eardrum again.

- Hello, Arthur.
- Hello, Mournful.

- I've been looking for you.
- I'm sad to say you found me.

- Hello, Tel. How's your life?
- Taken a turn for the worst I suspect.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I've got a good trade
if you're interested.

Listen! If it's as dodgy as that last
cotchel you tried to sell me...

No, no,
nothing like that.

I don't know how that got
onto Police 5.

A ricket, weren't it?

- I phoned him up, you know.
- Who?

Whispering Grass.
Whatshisname er...

- Shaw Taylor?
- Yeah, that's it.

- He's dead, isn't he?
- Yeah. Fell off the back of a lorry.

- Yeah.
- No, I spoke to him.

Told him that gear
had been got in good faith

and he was taking a liberty
with my living!

- Apologized, did he?
- Asked for my name, didn't he?

Can you imagine?

You want to see
what I've got on offer, then?

- Yeah, all right. Come on.
- It's over here.

Ain't hard to look at, is it?

Keep her indoors warm
and happy in winter, I thought.

Try it now, guv.

[ENGINE FAILS]

[SIGHS]

Well, I don't know.

Maybe a bit of dirt
in the carburetor.

What do you think?

I think... our two ladies have probably
hoisted half of Selfridges by now.

Don't insult me, Mournful.
For that kind of dough

I could join a Berkeley hunt,
capture my own foxes,

get their skins made up
and still come out with change.

Leave off, Arthur. That coat comes to
at least a couple of grand the right way.

- Tell him will you, Terry.
- Consider yourself told.

I don't know.
You work your fingers to the bone,

and you have to put up
with all this agg.

Here he stands,
cushioned against the harsh realities

of unemployment,
and mostly, I may add,

- due to my good offices...
- All right,

£800
and we've got a trade.

Yeah, yeah...
Where was I?

- Don't know, but I wish you were still there.
- I'm still here.

I risked my liberty for that coat, Arthur.
And you want to steal it off me.

Look, I can buy them legit at cost
for what you are asking, Mournful.

- Now you please go away.
- Well. All right.

Seven.
And that's final.

Yeah, Dave and me,
we were only kids at the time,

but we remember the Yarrow marches.
Right, Dave?

- Jarrow, Arthur.
- A sea of unemployed.

Schlepping their way,
hundreds of miles,

down the highways and byways
to the smoke.

There were no motorways
in those days, Terry.

No socks.
Holes in their daisies.

But cloth caps
at a dignified angle

in order
that they might demand

their democratic right
to do an honest bit of collar.

- What do you know about...
- Sad days, my son.

But they will be back, Terry.
Stand on me.

- Gawd help...
- That is what they said.

But he helps them
as helps themselves.

You must have his
undivided attention then.

- Six?
- Here, Tel.

When are you going to bring in
them tapes you keep promising me?

Ooh, that's right. I'm sorry, mate.
Next...

- Next time. I promise. Alright?
- Hey, hey, hey. That's a bit tasty, ain't?

Yeah.
She ain't bad either, is she?

OK, five.

And... And it really saddens me
to say it.

Excuse me.

Mr Daley? Arthur Daley.

- Arthur who?
- Is he here?

Yeah, this is him here.

- Oh, no...
- God...

I suppose
we could just sit here, guv,

and wait for them
to come back.

See if they got anything, like.

We did that yesterday
without a result.

Don't you remember?
Idiot!

This is you with Gary Mitchell,
isn't it?

- That's right. Look at that.
- Well, yes, yes.

There is a vague similarity.
Yeah.

- And... And you are?
- I'm sorry.

My name is Dee Rogers.

We've just literally
got off the plane from Australia.

Gary's an old mate of mine.

And he said if ever we were over here,
we should look him up.

Unfortunately,
I lost his address.

But I do remember him
mentioning this club.

And talking about this really nice bloke
called Arthur Daley.

It is you, isn't it, Arthur?

Well, now that you mention it...
er...

- Miss?
- Dee. Please, call me Dee.

- Ah, Dee.
- And I'll call you Arthur, if that's OK.

- Fine.
- Listen!

Can I buy you
and your friends a drink?

- It's very nice of you.
- Don't be so soppy, no.

Mr Nice Guy can get it,
can't you?

- Yes, why not? I mean it's the least I can do...
- No, come on, please. I insist.

Let me get this.
Right you are.

It's OK, love.
You'll get your chance, believe me.

[ALL LAUGHS]

- What are you having?
- Gin and orange, thanks.

- Young man?
- I'll take a lager.

Ta-ra.

Um... I'm Terry.

How do you do, Terry? G'day.

Four
or I go elsewhere.

Can't you see we've got company?

Listen. If you don't mind me saying,
if er...

all the ladies are like you Down Under,
I'll emigrate tomorrow! [GIGGLES]

- Pommy charm, eh?
- Yes, indeed. Yes.

Oh... Greg Collins.

- G'day.
- Alright.

It's... Good grip you've got there,
sport.

- Thanks.
- Hi. Greg. Good to know you.

My name's Morris.

We call him Mournful.
I'll let you work out why.

- How do you do, Morris?
- Not so good as a matter of fact.

- I keep trying, know what I mean?
- Yeah.

I know a couple of Aussie birds.
Terrific hoisters.

Shut up.
Come and have your drink.

- Come on, lads.
- Thanks very much.

[BEEPING]

- Excuse me, dear.
- Yes?

Do you wish
to purchase that dress?

Oh... I'm not sure.
I was just checking the colour.

I'm afraid I'll have to take it
back inside the shop.

You've set off the alarm.

- Oh, I'm sorry!
- It's this, dear.

We've got them on all the garments.

It gets removed
once a garment is purchased, of course.

Oh, right.

Hey... You don't think I was trying
to steal the dress, do you?

Not at all, dear.
You weren't to know, were you?

Yeah, I knew him well.
Great drinking mates, Gary and me.

Em... I must say I didn't expect him
to come back here.

- No. [CHUCKLES]
- Why's that?

Er... What, well em...
He seemed very anxious to get away.

- Yeah.
- To Australia specifically?

Er...

Yeah, he liked the idea of all that
sunshine and...

- freedom, you know what I mean?
- Oh! Right, yeah.

Dee, what are we going to do
about the taxi?

Eh...
Would it be all right

to send it away
and park our luggage in here?

- Just while we talk?
- No trouble at all.

- Dave's a diamond.
- Great.

Eh... Oh,
English money...

Oh, Terry will sort that for you, my dear.
He's very good... at that...

I'll sort it out.

- Right.
- ..sort of thing.

Greg will help you. Won't you?

Yeah, sure.
I'll give you a hand.

You really are a nice fella.

Gary was right about you.

My motto in life, my dear,

is if you cannot do someone
a good turn,

do not do them a bad one.

And put that away, dear.

It's a lovely philosophy.

A little something
I picked up along the way.

Arthur, have you any idea
where I might find Gary?

I'm not exactly unknown
in this town, my dear.

If he's around, I'm sure we can work
something out so we can find him for you.

Would you?
I'd be really grateful.

Er... yeah, well,
I am a very busy man and...

I mean, do have to earn
the daily crust.

Arthur Daley crust.

- Oh.
- Get a living.

I understand.

- That important, is it?
- It is to me.

You see... well, actually,
Gary and I weren't just good friends.

As a matter of fact,
we love each other very much.

We were to be married.
But...

well, let's just say... circumstances
parted us and...

Well, anyway,
things are different now.

But I thought you and...
Greg?

Oh, no!
He's just an old friend

who happened to be on the plane.

He's over here meeting his brother.

A-ah...

Arthur, I'd be perfectly willing to cover
any costs that you might incur.

If you wouldn't be insulted by that.

Insulted?
No, no, no, of course not, my dear.

No, just... just overheads.
No, I wouldn't be insulted.

And how could I not help
such a pretty lady as yourself?

Me and my man Terry
will do the best we can.

Ohh...

- Something the matter, my dear?
- I guess I'm a bit chilly.

- What, in this heat?
- Not used to your climate, I guess.

Don't go away, my dear.

A score is all you're getting,
and you're taking liberties.

Three,
and I'm doing you a favour.

Arthur,
I want you to know

how depressed
that makes me feel.

Readies.
Cash in your claw.

Right now.

And I want your assurance
that it is bankrupt stock.

What?

- Oh, yeah. Of course.
- Well?

Well, if it wasn't for the fact
I've got to pay my analyst...

Your what?

He reckons I'm suffering
from depression.

I tell you, Arthur,
it makes me doleful.

I don't know how you do it.

Stands you in for three,

and within minutes,
you've knocked it out for five!

Perfectly normal business
transaction.

Profit and loss.
That's what it's all about, innit?

She's happy. I'm happy.
'Cos Mournful's a bit doleful.

- But when isn't he?
- Doleful?

You and Greg get into my car,
my dear!

I'm just giving my man Terry here
the SP.

Are you trying to make me look
a berk or what?

- What?
- Cut the 'my man' crap, all right?

No, no, no. Just a little gambit, Terry.
Don't worry about that.

I have learned something
that will be of great interest to you.

The geezer who is with her is not,
in the least, romantically involved with her.

No?

Mind you,
I've suss he's a bit of an iron.

An iron?
Leave it out.

Man looks like a center forward
for the old blacks.

Well, he ain't exactly limp wristing,
I give you that.

But they not all screaming queens,
are they?

Oh, don't be so tasteless,
Terrence.

No, I think we've captured
the little lady.

- What d'ya mean, captured?
- Or should I say enraptured.

By sheer good fortune.
Hers, that is.

The lady needs help
looking for an old mutual friend

and we are in a position to render
her assistance in that direction.

I could render her something.

Is that character for real?

At £500 for a coat like this,
who's complaining?

Oh. Come off it, Dee.
The bloke's a con artist. Who needs him?

Greg... he's the best chance I have
to find my darling Gary.

And to do that,
I'm willing to spend quite a bit.

The thing I don't get is
why a sort like that would get pally

with a nut known villain like Gary Mitchell
in the first place.

I mean the only reason
he emigrated

was 'cos there was a warrant
out for him. Right?

- Right.
- She's straight, isn't she?

Oh, she is, Terry,
she is.

I found that out while you were
chatting to Dave at the bar.

So why Gary Mitchell?

Well, it seems he set up business
out there. All kosher and legit.

She worked for him for a time.
That's how they became friends.

Anything's possible.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.
I've been saving the best bit.

She don't like hotels.
Wants a place of her own.

Nudge nudge woo hoo hoo.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

What about the big pal
an old black?

Apparently he is going
to be staying with his brother.

- Oh, it's handy, innit?
- It's handier than you think, my son.

I rented her your flat.

Oi!

Course he don't mind,
do you, Terry?

There is one little problem,
like where am I gonna rest my weary?

You can kip round your gran's.
You're never home anyway, are you?

- Cor... Thanks a lot, pal.
- I didn't think...

I mean
I don't want to impose.

I can hardly expect Terry
to clear out of his flat just so I can...

Nonsense, my dear.
Why pay lunatic hotel prices?

No, no.
A nice little pied-a-terre...

Or should I say a pied a Terry!

Ha ha ha ha.

Not a few bus stops from the
throbbing heart of the metropolis.

And at £80 a week,
it's a gift, stand on me.

- The whole ground floor.
- That's the lot.

Well. You know
it's kind of a shame it's not

big enough for both of us.

Ahem...

Well, actually,
I was thinking about that.

It is really, isn't it?
I mean it's only got one bedroom

- but there's a big old sofa, you know?
- Well, if you're sure.

I mean if you don't mind.

No, I don't mind.

- You know, if you don't mind.
- No.

Are we... we anywhere near...
Park Royal?

- Park Royal?
- It is where my brother lives.

- Hiya, Mournful.
- All right, girls?

I hope you've had a good day.
Mine's been a right downer.

Of course the boy is a bachelor,
so tidiness

is not exactly his strong point,
as you can see.

Dear oh dear.

But I can vouch for the fact that he is
personally clean in himself.

Personally clean?
Will you...

Oh.
This is the master bedroom.

- Right.
- Hardly elegant, but...

Cosy. Cosy.

I really appreciate this, Arthur.

The least I can do, my dear.

We British still have a duty
to protect and assist

our colonial cousins
from around the globe.

Let me show you the khazi.
Oh... the...

- bathroom.
- Right.

That mat could do with a trip
to the cleaner's, Terrence.

- One day that all...
- Change those sheets!

Now...
These are about the right mark.

I can shift these all day for £30
or £40 a lump to proper people.

Instead of liberty-takers
like Arthur Daley.

- Who's Arthur Daley?
- Don't ask me.

Just one for you, Guv,
be fixed by morning.

- What's this, then?
- Well, according to Ronnie Aldridge,

that little duo of Aussie hoisters

have been trying to trade
their ill-gotten gains

to persons on this manor,
right?

That's what he's heard,
guv.

And what has that little collection
of anti-social misfits got in common then?

Er... Well.

They're all local faces we know or
suspect of...

- handling stolen property?
- Precisely.

And those three,
Grimwood, Barber, and Daley,

frequent the Winchester Club.
Is that not so?

Yeah,
that's right they do, guv.

Who else is a member
and occasional visitor

to the said establishment?

Oh. Yeah, of course.
Ronnie Aldridge.

Ronald Austin Aldridge.

Small-time thief and informer.

And given our
manpower problem,

who better to keep an eye
on Messrs Grimwood, Barber and Daley

- should the opportunity arise?
- Oh. I see, guv.

I suppose partial sight
is better than none.

Do have another word
in his shell-like.

Now.

Right. Well, I'll drop Greg off
at his brother's.

And Terry will start making inquiries
as to Gary's whereabouts while you get

- settled down in the flat, my dear.
- Oh, I thought...

If it's OK,
perhaps I could go along with Terry.

- Why not? Why not?
- Yeah.

No harm in having someone
minding you.

Perhaps you could show Dee one
or two of our historic landmarks, Terry.

Show her where her ancestors
hail from.

Clink prison is closed, isn't it?

No, I'm sorry, love. No.
Just a little joke.

Maybe it's not.

Oh, Arthur, do you know
where I can hire a car?

Anything will do.

I just... you know, can't be completely
dependent on you and Terry.

- H-Hire a car?
- Yes.

- Well. As a matter of fact...
- Don't you point that finger!

No. Have I said anything?

No, I know what
you're going to say!

- I'm just saying to Dee...
- What? What?

if she is anticipating staying
for an indefinite period,

- Yeah?
- it will be far cheaper

- to buy a nice reliable runabout.
- Aha.

It just so happens I know where
she can obtain the sort of vehicle

- she would appreciate.
- I bet you do.

ARTHUR LAUGHS

You ought to be arrested,
Freddy.

Two and a half
for this museum piece?!

Well, they sell, Arthur!
They don't build them like this any more.

No, they wouldn't dare.

MOT'd. Tax for another
couple of months...

Please, Freddy,
I'm a trader, not a punter.

I don't want to hear all that.
Dear oh dear!

Look at all that pudding
on them sills!

I'll give you £70.

- £70?!
- Yep.

Make it a oner and it's yours.

Not a gift, Freddy. Not a gift.

But acceptable.

You get your lad to take it over
to Terry's place, can you?

Sure. Be a bit difficult today though.
He's up at the auctions.

- First thing in the morning all right?
- Yeah, fine.

Leave it outside
with the papers an'all that.

- Right, morning.
- And, please, Freddy...

Oh, Freddy.

You knew Gary Mitchell,
didn't you?

Used to graft through that firm
out of Fulham.

Yeah. Done a bunk to Australia
about five-stretch ago, is it him?

- If that's what I've heard.
- You heard right.

Well, apparently,
he's back here now.

You haven't seen sight
or sound of him, have you?

No.
Hang on a minute.

I was having a drink in the Prince of Wales
another day with Bobby Finch.

He mentioned something about him.
What was it now?

Thing is we were all a bit elephants
at the time.

No... But I'm sure his name
was stuck up though.

- Why don't you have a word with Bobby?
- Yeah, I will, alright.

First thing in the morning,
OK?

- Yeah. Sure.
- Yeah, right.

Eh, tried there.
Been all over, ain't we?

I ain't seem him or heard a thing,
Tel.

Wouldn't have thought
he'd have wanted to come back.

At the old IPO game
when he was here, was he?

Right. Yeah.

Cor, he was the guvnor at impersonating
the Old Bill, let's face it.

Right.
Thanks, Keith.

- See you around, mate.
- Right, Tel.

I thought you knew.
I mean...

That is, I... I thought that Arthur
would have told you.

No, no, he didn't. No.

Poor old Gary.
He was never happy there.

I don't know.
My parents hated him for some reason.

Then one day, we had this
really terrible fight and...

The next thing I knew,
he'd sold his business and

come back to England.

Said if I really wanted him,
I'd... come and find him.

SIGHS

So here I am.

Here you are.

It's been really great today,
Terry.

You know, showing me the sights
and everything. I really appreciate it.

Listen er...

I suppose you don't fancy a nice quiet
drink in an old English pub, eh?

Now, what's your name, up there,
my darling?

- Dee.
- My God, what a name.

Now, look, Dee,
where the hell do you come from?

- Australia.
- Aus-bleeding-stralia!

Oh, God, we had an Australian
pianist here the other night.

Not a lot of good, but they reckoned
he's pretty big down under. Joke.

ALL LAUGH

I had to go and see the doctor the other day.
He said...

"I haven't seen you for two years."
I said, "I know, I've been ill."

ALL LAUGH

Social security, you know what I mean?
He said, "Your nose is swollen."

I said, "I've got seen-us trouble."
He said, "Don't. No. Sinus."

"No," I said, "I was out with a
boxer's wife. He seen-us."

ALL LAUGH
Little song here, now.

Now, there's a little song
coming up here, now.

It's called 'Leave it out, John'.
Everybody in the chorus!

[PLAYS PIANO]

♪ She was young and she was free

♪ She took a shine to me

♪ Succumbing to my stunning
natural charms

♪ And I was cool as I could be

♪ And I very casually

♪ Took her in my
tanful manful arms ♪

This is great, Terry.
I mean it's really great.

- Did you hear what I said?
- No, what?

It seems to me that Gary Mitchell
wouldn't have been your type.

What makes you think that?

- Well, mind you, I never really knew him.
- What? Sorry, I can't...

I said I never knew him all that well.
He was a mate of Arthur's.

Oh, right, yeah.

I felt a bleedin' wally
as she slapped my face

♪ and very loudly said
Everybody now!

♪ Leave it out, John, leave it out

♪ It's so nice out today
so leave it out

♪ Leave it out, John, leave it out

♪ It's so nice out today
so leave it out

♪ If there was ever any doubt

♪ About the ins of being out

♪ Leave it out, John, leave it out ♪

Want a drink, Tel?

- To drink?
- Oh, no.

- Yeah. Gin and tonic.
- And a lager.

Cheers.
You'll be all right.

He's quaint, your Arthur.

Quaint, Arthur? Yeah, quaint.
GIGGLES

- A likeable rogue, eh?
- What?

Arthur,
he's a likeable rogue.

Yeah, you could say that.
He's a rogue.

Well,
he is crazy for me.

- No, he's married.
- Oh, come on. [BOTH LAUGH]

You know what I mean.
Gary told me a lot of stories about him.

Funny, oh, god.

Yeah, I suppose you could say
he was funny. [HE LAUGHS]

♪ And inadvertently

♪ I let her know exactly how I feel

Everybody!

♪ Leave it out, John,
leave it out

♪ It's so nice out today
so leave it out

♪ Leave it out, John, leave it out

♪ It's so nice out today
so leave it out ♪

How long have you worked for Arthur?

Eh?

Arthur,
how long have you worked for him?

Oh. I don't... Alright,
I don't work for him. I work with him.

What, like now?

Yeah, sort of, yeah.

Oh. And I thought
you liked me.

I'd like you a lot more if you weren't
webbed up with Gary Mitchell.

Terry, that sounds
as if you don't like him.

I'm the jealous type,
aren't I?

It's not funny.

- Evening, Arthur. Usual?
- Please, Dave, large one.

Terry hasn't rung or been in,
has he?

No.

Hello, Arthur. How's it going?

Ronnie!
I haven't seen you around here for a bit.

I can never find a bit round here.

Not a little sojourn in one of
Her Majesty's hotels, I hope.

No, touch wood.

Are you staying lucky, are you?

Luck has nothing to do with it, my son.
It's this.

You always was a bit slippery,
Arthur.

Cheers, Dave.

Well, you still haven't told us
what you're doing over here.

Just a little bit of business
to take care of, you know.

- Help out a friend.
- Mm.

No-one can say you weren't
the best minder we had back home.

Is that all?
[LAUGH]

No comment.
[LAUGH]

Do you er... Do you ladies have somebody
watching your backs over here?

We don't really need it.

Well, I mean
these shops are a doddle.

Yeah, we've got a guy
who gives us

a pretty fair deal
on practically anything we get.

Sounds like a pretty good set-up.

It's the dragon's birthday
next week.

So I've got to make a gesture,

a little present, to keep it sweet.
Know what I mean?

How about a packet of firelighters?

[LAUGHS]

No. What you got in mind,
Ronnie?

Well.
I thought a bit of clobber.

Nice coat perhaps.
Or a bit of tom if it ain't too pricey.

Just wondered if you might have
anything going.

No, I've got nothing like that
in stock.

How about a pogo stick?

Keep her fit. Help her work off
her aggression.

No, I don't think so, Arthur.

I don't know
why I bought the bloody things.

Geezer must have caught me
on the hop. [GIGGLES]

One thing she's been nagging me for
is a fur coat.

Oh.

If you'd been here at lunchtime,
I could have done you a bit of good.

- Yeah?
- I had a fox fur

that Basil Brush would
have changed his act for.

But I knocked it out
to this Aussie bird, didn't I?

- Aussie bird?
- Yeah, you know, antipod... whatsit.

Australian lady.
And what a sort!

Oh?
Ohh...

Hello every newcomers
by the way here.

We had a Scotsman in here
last night on the way home,

found a pair of crutches
in the kerb.

- Went home and broke his wife's leg.
- Sorry!

Now then, do be careful.

You worry me, you know.

Why?

Carrying all that dough about.

This is a vicious city, you know.
Wouldn't it be safer in the bank?

I like carrying
a lot of money around.

- Gives me a feeling of confidence.
- Ta-ta, Jim.

Nice meeting you!

The only problem is
you might get a feeling of pain

if someone hits you over the head
to get at it, all right?

- You know, I'm really bushed.
- But you've just got the taste!

- Let's just go to the Winchester.
- Would you mind terribly if I just

if I just went back to the flat?
I mean with all the traveling,

the sightseeing, and
no food,

- I'm really tired.
- Do you want something to eat?

- There's a restaurant round the corner.
- No, really...

You know, I just
want to fall into bed.

I suppose you wouldn't like
someone

in the bed to catch you,
would you?

You're really sweet,
you know that?

Sweet?

Ta-ra, Jim.

I don't blame you, Tel.

I knew you wouldn't go to Australia.
What, on a moped?

- There's loads of room in here.
- Fantastic.

Listen, Terry, er...
Are you sure about this?

I mean,
hospitality is one thing,

- but letting someone you only just met...
- No, don't be daft.

I said it was all right,
didn't I?

Anyway, you never know,
if we don't find Gary,

my luck might change.

You are sweet.

Don't call me that.

- About Gary, Terry.
- Yeah?

Er... Look, I realise
it probably sounds a bit silly, but...

if you and Arthur do find him,

would you mind telling me first?

- Yeah, if you want. Yeah.
- You promise?

Yeah. Why?

Ah. It's only a silly thing. It's just
that, you know, I want to surprise him.

Can you understand that?

No.

- Yeah.
- I don't understand.

You,
England's answer to Hugh Hefner,

leaving a bird like that
snuggled down on her own?

- You must be slipping, my son.
- Don't give me all that.

You knew she and Mitchell
were more than just good friends.

Yeah, she did say something
about an infatuation, but em...

She's come over
to marry the geezer!

She told me.
She told you an'all.

Eh, funny.
I must have misunderstood.

Bleedin' hilarious, isn't it?

- Anyway, first we've got to find him.
- Yeah, presuming he's around.

And that could take
a bit of time.

Long enough for you to manoeuvre
yourself into her affections!

Yeah.
And long enough for you

to rip her off
for a few more quid.

Terrence,
I must say this

I feel deeply wounded
when you make aspirations like that.

And anyway, unlike you, I have made
some progress in that direction.

- What?
- I was doing a deal with Freddy the Fly

for a tasty little motor for Dee.
And...

He reckons Bobby Finch
might know something.

- What, Finchy who's got the Prince of Wales?
- Yeah. The very same.

- Well, let's get down there, then.
- What's the hurry? Tomorrow will do.

Want to give yourself a chance,
don't you?

- They're not too keen, then?
- Afraid not, love.

But...
can't really blame them, considering.

However, they might be able
to help out with that other item.

Mm...
well, that's something.

What about using that place?

I mean I thought that's what you
intended to do when you moved in there.

I don't think we'll have any trouble
with those other two characters.

- Made you promise?!
- Yeah.

- Well, I can understand that. Can't you?
- Mm.

All right, Tel? Long time no see!
How is it going?

What's it got to do with you?

Yeah, well, I'll be off now,
Arthur.

I'll be popping in,
so if anything comes up...

- Nice mother, right?
- Or whatever. Yeah.

See you around, then.

What was all that about?

You ain't trading with that ponce,
are you?

Ronnie?

- He's all right.
- Phew!

Isn't he?

I heard from a few proper people
that he's a wrong one.

Too friendly with plod.

Really?
I didn't know that.

You ain't told him any of your business,
have you?

Me? No, no, no, no.
You know me, Terry,

never divulge more
than is necessary.

- That's all right then, innit?
- Yeah.

[CAR HORN]

[CAR HORN INTENSIVE]

[CAR HORN CONTINUES]

Let me understand this, Ronnie.

You say that Arthur sold a fur coat
to this Australian bird.

That's right, Mr Rycott.
He told me so himself.

So what?

He'd hardly likely to be selling bent gear
to someone who's thieved it, would he?

No, no,
that's true.

And since we have already got

these suspect Australian hoisters
under surveillance,

what is the point
of this ludicrous information?

Oh, I just figured the Aussie connection,
you know.

Arthur's also got her a motor.

What is so unusual about that?

Daley deals in motors!

Well, if you're going hoisting,
a motor's handy, isn't it?

Thing is, Ronnie,

the two ladies in question
already had a car.

- Yeah, that's true.
- Aldridge!

You are a moron
of mind-boggling ineptitude.

I don't know
why I let you reign.

You talk to him.
I'll go and wait in the car.

And if you feel a compunction
to hit him,

try to do it
so as not to leave any marks.

- £400 for that?!
- I know.

It's ridiculously under-priced
for a period piece like that, innit?

What with the demand
and everything.

But there you go, you see?
Being in the trade

does have its advantages.

- You're unbelievable.
- Thank you.

It's great, Arthur!
Really great, I love old things.

Just as well, innit?

Yeah. Note the...
early plastic dashboard, my dear.

And the genuine
leatherette upholstery.

- Fabola.
- Get in. Get in. Try it out for size.

Comfort is a guaranteed feature,
of course.

Yeah, isn't it too much?!

Far too much.

Oh, listen, Arthur,
er... do I have to get er...

get it insured or anything, you know,
before I can drive it?

All taken care of, my dear.

I have a friend who does
a nice line in cover notes.

- Great!
- Third party, fire and theft,

at a criminally low fee.

If you look on the seat,
you'll see my own small contribution.

So you will not get lost
in the capital of the mother country.

You're great, Arthur.
Mr Wonderful.

- Wonderful? I'll tell you...
- Bye-bye, my dear.

- Come along, Terence.
- Bye-bye.

Come on.

I mean you must have striped her
for over a monkey already!

And she says it's Mr Wonderful.
It's gross!

Gross?
No, no, no, Terence.

It's the natural forces
of supply and demand.

If the punter is pleased
with the price he pays,

it would be perverse
to place a parcel for peanuts.

- Pillock.
- Pardon?

Arse.

Precisely.

I've managed to get it
for one and a half.

Take the £200
for your trouble.

No skin off our nose.

Yeah.

I'm not too happy about it,
I can tell you.

Guvnor,
is Bobby about?

So where are they now?

Out looking for Gary.

Where do they think
you are?

I'm doing some more sightseeing,
shopping on mine.

Where are we meant to meet
these girlfriends of yours anyway?

There is some pub
down by a canal.

- I've got it written down.
- Did you tell them about me then?

Ha, I didn't have any option, did I?
But don't worry,

- they're as good as gold.
- OK.

What do you reckon?

- Is this it?
- Don't you think it's ace?

[HE LAUGHS]

It's a bit of a rust-bucket,
Dee!

- Dave Storey saw him?
- So he said.

- Where?
- Down the road.

What?
Boozer, spiller, club, what?

No, just bumped into him
in the street.

Seems Gary's opened a wine bar there.

That's what he told Dave
it was going to be.

A wine bar?
Gary Mitchell?

Apart from anything else
he'd never get a license!

That's what I said. He told
Dave got his brother fronting for him.

Brother? He had a brother?
I knew he'd got a sister somewhere.

I don't know.
Maybe he said brother-in-law.

A wine bar?!

It makes a change
from impersonating police, did it?

Hold up, hold up.
That's him!

You're right. He is, Terry.

Yeah, that is definitely him.
Come on.

- No, no, no, hang about.
- What?

I made a promise, didn't I?

Well, it doesn't stop us
talking to the man!

Ask about for old time,
how things are going, does it?

You can do all that
at the wedding reception, can't ya?

Ooh!
Who's got the hump, then?!

G'day, girls.

Dee Rogers.
Lisa, Sandra.

- G'day.
- G'day.

Is that... Is that it?

Yep.

Come on, Terry.
We got four visits to make.

Arthur!

Is it true?
Is it true that you've found Gary?

- Er, Dave at the club said that...
- It is true, my dear. We have.

That's fantastic!

- Where is he?
- Westbourne Grove.

- Westbourne Grove?
- Yeah. He's opening a wine bar.

A wine bar?

Apparently. Look,
I've got the address here.

- Terrific.
- Yeah.

Absolutely terrific!

- You didn't talk to him, then?
- No, no, my dear.

Bearing in mind your request and the fact
that my word is my bond, we did not.

- I know you think I'm being silly. I just...
- Not at all, my dear.

Have we not all sometimes or another
been touched

by love's little mystery
and romance?

Ah, you're a real sport,
Arthur!

- Not at all.
- You too, Terry.

Ouh! My pleasure.

Will you two be around later?

Only, you know,
if I see Gary

and everything is OK,
well, perhaps we can all

- have a drink together.
- Yeah!

I'm busy for the rest of the day,
but perhaps later at the club.

All right. Sure. Great.
Thank you. Both of you.

Been a privilege, my dear.

Not to say a wonderful profit,
eh?

Coat looks nice, doesn't it?

So does the hat.

Don't see many of them about
any more, do you, guv?

The car or the blonde?

- He's in the loo. Won't be long.
- Yeah. Right.

- Are we ready, then?
- Will be soon.

Might as well all leave together.

Looks like they're having a day off,
guv.

Oh, yeah?

[STARTS ENGINE]

We'll...
maybe see you later, girls.

OK, maybe.

- And don't forget, Greg. Not our place.
- No sweat.

Have a nice day.
Be lucky.

- And you.
- Bye.

Maybe some people they know
have a flat or a house.

Maybe.
Come on, then!

Let's see if we can stay with them
this time, shell we?

Good job we called round before,
Bobby.

It's gotta be better than paying
brewery prices, innit?

Yeah, but hurry up if you can.

I'm expecting our rep round
while we talk.

Ooh, ooh. Lively, Terry. Lively.
The man's in a hurry.

Why don't you hump a few of these,
then?

Would that my condition would allow.
Ooh.

It's nice to be in a motor
that actually goes for a change.

[HORN]

Wouldn't it be better
to move the alcove along there a bit?

I don't think it can be done.

Hang on a minute.
I'll have another look at the plans.

Well,
g'day, Gary.

Hello, Dee!

- How the hell did you...
- Never mind how.

Oh.
You b*stard!

Did you really think you could
get away with ripping me off?

Oh. Wait a minute, love.

For Christ sake, Dee.

I want what's mine,
you b*stard

Now I think you'd better
come along with us.

Come on!
This is getting bloody ridi...

Shift it, pom.

All right, all right,
don't get excited.

Another two loads, Terry, and we'll
drop in for a drink at the Winchester.

Good thinking.

I tell you what.
Can we just stop off at my flat?

I'll pick up those tapes
I promised Dave.

Yeah. Yeah.
I could do with a leak.

OK, sport,
you take a seat right there.

And no lip, OK?

- Oh, Christ!
- What is it?

Arthur and Terry.

They're going to have
a nice little surprise, ain't they?

Should be down Margate
or somewhere should be.

All right, dear?

What are you doing?

What's this? A little joke?

This is no joke.
It's for real.

- Oh, my good gawd.
- No, hold on.

I'm sorry about this, Terry.

We weren't expecting you back
so soon.

Arthur,
what have you done to me?

Gary! Me?
Nothing!

She told me you two
were madly in love!

- I don't understand.
- Neither do I.

But it's quite simple really.

You see, this little worm,
this friend of yours,

has ripped me off
for what I consider to be at least of


British sterling.

I've come to collect.

Is this true, Gary?

- A misunderstanding, Tel.
- Misunderstanding? Crap!

SIGHS
Look...

We were working this scam together,
right?

Partners for nearly two years.

Then we get this really big score
and this

b*stard skips the country
with my share.

Well, it wasn't just the weather
getting warm down there you know.

Hold on, hold on. Are you telling me
that you were at it with him?

- You got it.
- What? The IPO game?

Woman Detective Sergeant Rogers.

Detective Inspector Mitchell.

Two of Sydney's finest.

I have to say this,
my dear.

I've made a serious misjudgment
of character about you.

Yes. I'm sorry, Arthur.
But I'm sure even you

will understand that being
taken for a lot of money

isn't a very nice thing
to do to someone.

I'm deeply shocked.

- A nice girl like you...
- Never mind all that.

- What are we going to do?
- And before you start, could I...

- it's very silly sitting here...
- Stay right where you are, Arthur.

No, no, no, hold on.
Listen, this is my gaff right?

And I don't want all this garbage
in here.

I'm getting enough aggro
from the Old Bill

without getting involved
in other people's wars.

So you can just stick that thing
where you like it most

and piss off all of you.
Go on.

We're not going anywhere.

We're going to stay right here till we get
this little bit of business sorted out.

OK, sport?

I don't think you've got the bottle,
sport.

[g*nsh*t]
[ARTHUR YELLS]

Mournful! It's been ages.
How's your luck?

Don't ask.
Yourself?

Can't complain. Can't complain.
Drink?

Did you know
alcohol was a depressant?

You do surprise me.

Dave,
when you can.

- Usual?
- Yeah.

Don't suppose you'd be interested

in a tasty leather jacket
for your old lady, would you?

Funny you should say that.

Are you all right?

I'll never be right again,
Terry.

My nervous system has undergone
the most terrible trauma.

Oh, that's water.

Yeah, you're all right.

All right, all right,
we know you're serious.

What now?

Well, it depends somewhat
on the Detective Inspector here.

- I ain't got it, Dee.
- Bullshit!

Straight, I've step most of it
into the wine bar, ain't I?

That place wouldn't be worth
a core of what we have

even if property prices
are expensive in this city.

And you... running a wine bar...
well, it's a joke for a start.

I won't be running it.
Sort of owner, didn't I?

What you may call
the retirement investment.

I want my share,
you b*stard!

- The wine bar?
- No! Not the bloody wine bar!

I'm serious, Gary,
you better believe it.

Believe it, believe it.

- Believe it.
- Oh, my Gawd.

Look. We must be able
to work this out.

Now, now.
Arthur and I...

we've been made to look right mugs
in this little turn-out, right?

So do us a favour.
What's it all about?

It's about $400,000
worth of jewellery

which we acquired
and he retained.

- $400,000?
- That was the insurance value.

As well you know, Arthur,

that there ain't anything like it
what you get for rookie tom.

How did you manage that?

Same old game, Tel.

Find out who's got a few quid
and there are at it.

Or someone who tucks the odd valuables
out of the tax man's sight,

steam in as the Old Bill
with a moody search warrant

and confiscate as evidence.

Funny thing just come
through on the wire, guv.

Man in Westbourne Grove
was kidnapped at gunpoint.

What is funny about that?

Well.
It seems he was kidnapped

by a woman and a man...
with Australian accents.

- And?
- Er... Well.

The thing is,
I didn't connect it immediately,

but when you left me talking to Ronnie,
he said

the Australian bird
Arthur sold a fur coat to

is staying at
Terry McCann's flat.

I can't quite work out all the intriguing
combinations we have here, Carp.

But I intend to.

Another thing which makes it
even more puzzling, guv,

Ronnie Aldridge just rung me

and he says
it's Mournful Morris

who's dealing with the hoisters.

Sid!

Let me have a mobile out the front
as soon as you can.

You pay her, Gary.
It's the only sensible thing to do.

He's right, you know?

'Cos apart from...
Ned Kelly's intentions here,

I can't see that you've got
any choice, mate.

Because if you don't pay
the lovely lady,

I personally am going to pay you.

Do you get my meaning?

All right, Tel.

But your whack don't come to
no fifty grand, darling.

In the first place they always
top up the insurance value.

And that stuff was only worth,
what, rapy $200,000!

Tell her what she can expect
another way for that, Arthur.

Me?
How would I know?

- Come on!
- Well... eh... yeah, I...

I have brushed shoulders
with people in bars who...

- discussed such matters.
- For Christ Sake!

You're not making a statement
to the Old Bill!

Sixty-odd grand, top whack!

Forty, which I've already stuck
into the wine bar.

And that is fact.

Yes, all right.

I'll take the twenty grand
you've still got.

There's been a few
incidental expenses along the way.

All I've got in readies is fifteen
grand tucked under the floorboards.

That will do, won't it?

Come on, you go,
take them to it.

No.

You go and get it, Terry.

Gary and Arthur can stay here.

Insurance so you return.

No, I'm sorry, princess,
you're not on.

Terry!

We all go together.

And I don't care where we go.
And then I'll go and collect it.

So what's the difference?

The difference, mastermind,

is you
and this Australian iron

kidnapped him at gunpoint
in broad daylight. Right?

And the car that you swagged him off in,
which is a dot the car to be noticed,

is parked outside my flat

with half the Old Bill in London
looking for it.

Now we all go

or you could stay
and explain it to them yourselves.

Makes sense, Dee.

The girls won't go a lot on it,
but...

we could use their place.

You know,
it really depresses me,

knocking out quality gear like this
for half of what it's worth.

[SNEERS]

Morris, you're a real joy
to work with. Do you know that?

That's kind of you.

[GLASS BREAKS]

All right. I'll do that.
Take a look round in there.

Right, guv.

He's right.
Fifteen grand.

I still only got a b*stard's word
for this is all that's left.

So what are you gonna do?
Staying arguing about it

or get out
while you're in front?

There's signs
she's been staying there, guv.

Yeah.

She's definitely not there now
though, is she?

Which leaves us
with one possibility.

Well. It's been nice meeting you fellas.
[TERRY CHUCKLES]

Not as rewarding as I'd hoped.

- But nice.
- Dee, but what

about the motor and...
all the stuff at... Terry's flat?

Sell it, Arthur.

You're so good at that.

And Terry...

I am sorry about
the circumstances.

If things had been different,
who knows, you might well have got lucky.

Now she tells me.

See you around, fellas.

G'day.

- Now we're going to Heathrow, mate.
- Righto, guv.

[BANG]

- I think we've got a puncture, guv.
- Yeah, that's not all.

We had one earlier,
and the spare's up the creek.

Well. Wonderful!

Well, thanks anyway, Tel.

And you both definitely
get a drink out of it.

That's a promise.

- Stuff it!
- What?

All right, Tel,
I understand.

But you must come round
to the opening night of my wine bar.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm thinking of calling it Gems,
by the way.

Well, I'm a sucker for sentiment,
you know.

- See you.
- Go on, on yer bike!

What have you done?

Certain expenses were incurred,
you know.

Listen, this thing
ain't over with yet.

If it does all come on top,

I want to be as uninvolved as possible.
You got that?

Hold up.
Ha ha ha!

♪ Three wheels on your wag! ♪

I don't feel at all well,
Terry.

Get me another car round here,
will you?

Incredible
You are incredible.

Did you really expect me
to swallow that little fairytale?

I can't understand
what you mean, Mr Rycott?

I understand Sgt Chisholm
has nightmares about you, Daley.

Real ones.

Well, that is not going to happen
to me.

You sold the lady in question
the car

with which she abducted
that bloody mystery man!

It was an honest transaction,
Mr Rycott.

One of my legitimate trades,
innit?

Buying and selling motors.

There is no law against that,
is there?

There is against
flogging bent coats.

No. That is a gross canard,
Mr Rycott.

You have no evidence at all
that I sold a fur coat to anyone.

None!
You have been listening

to malicious gossip
and rumors.

- Slanderous charges may have to be laid.
- Shut up, will you?!

Yeah, shut up!

- Come on.
- What?

He had to let us go, didn't he?
He had no choice.

Laughing at, we had a right result,
considering.

What you are forgetting,
Terry, is we were both

genuine innocent parties
in this unfortunate incident.

- Yeah?
- So we had to tell a few porkies

to avoid all that aggravation.

What you might call
natural justice.

Mournful?

It's a very sad day for me, Arthur,
very sad indeed.

Never mind about that, Mournful.
Come on. You're nicked.

I'm being fitted, Arthur!
Send for my brief!

I'm innocent!

You... don't think Mournful
would declare, do you?

Mournful? Na-eh.
He's one of your own, isn't he?

[PLANE]
Hey. Hey.

You don't think... er...

- What?
- Waltzing Matilda.

I do hope so.

So do I.

Come on. Let's go
and have a nice cup of tea.

Yeah.

DENNIS WATERMAN:
"I Could Be So Good For You"

♪ If you want to
I'll change the situation

♪ Right people right time

♪ Just the wrong location

♪ I've got a good idea

♪ Just you keep me near,
I'll be so good for you

♪ I could be so good for you,
I'm gonna help you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ I'll do anything for you ooh-ooh

♪ I'll be so good for you

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ I'll do it like you want me to

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ There ain't nothing
I can't go through ooh-ooh

♪ I'll be so good for you ♪