♪ I could be so good for you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ Love you like you want me to ♪
Morning, Arthur. Terry.
You're late, Pongo.
Let's have a butcher's.
What's it this time, eh?
- New departure, Terrence.
- Nice.
Extra length, 4-ply,
colours various.
Top notch gear, Pongo?
I wouldn't know, Terry.
Never use the stuff myself.
Enough of the rabbit, come on.
We got to get this lot delivered.
Oh, and...
by the way, Arthur...
I brought the individual butter portions,
as well, they're upfront.
What?
Up the front of this thing?
Yes, well. The...
refrigerated transport fell through.
It better get on skates,
or it gets a bit stuffy over the axle.
That butter melts all over the toilet paper,
I'll make your life a misery, Pongo.
No point, Arthur,
it already is.
Look, you can always put some ham on it,
make it a new fast food.
You two in the van.
We're going to the Haven Lodge Hotel.
Follow me, when get here
go round the back where it's deliveries.
- I'll see you there.
- Right, off we go,
- Wages on the other end.
- Oi! Oi, you!
Why have I got to go with him?
'Cos you gonna help him unload.
That's the kind of establishment
who would not take kindly
to you or him traipsing through
the c*ck lounge with bog rolls.
Can I have a tetanus injection?
- Morning, Sue.
- Morning, Mr Daley.
Mrs Bates said
would you wait in her office.
She won't be a minute.
And how is our delightful
manageress this morning?
- The same as usual.
- That's what I like to hear.
Can I ask you
a personal question?
Depends.
How many shirts like that
have you got?
Just the one.
Thought so.
Try and write a little more legibly.
Do sit down, Arthur.
Thank you.
- How is everything?
- Fine, Norma, fine.
They're round the back
unloading at the moment.
You've come up trumps, Arthur,
you really have.
I can't tell you the problems I'm having
with my suppliers at the moment.
The individual butter
portions came in a day early!
Splendid!
Are you... You did said
cash on delivery, didn't you?
Did I? Oh, it... doesn't matter!
Oh, well. Why not.
You really saved my life,
Arthur.
A hotel without toilet paper,
can you imagine?
No, not really.
Er, there was something
I wanted to mention, Norma.
Jam.
Pardon?
Seedless jam,
made from surplus fruits
of various EEC countries.
And conveniently packaged
in individual portions.
What kind of jam?
Oh, well... It is a...
melange of several fruits.
But you'll have no problem,
because it's labelled 'confiture',
and 'confiture' that is French
for jam.
I know what confiture means,
Arthur.
Well... It might be all right
with a continental breakfast.
Exactly!
I mean, confiture has a certain
je ne sais quoi, doesn't it?
And it is very cheap.
That's it.
- Looks right.
- Go on, cheers!
Just got that butter off in time.
Hey.
Where is Arthur?
I should've had this van back
half an hour ago.
Probably parked on a bar stool
somewhere.
I'm not leaving without me wage.
Let's go and ferret him out.
Yeah, let's.
You do understand, Arthur, that I have
to stick with my regular suppliers.
Unless, of course,
the prices are...
competitive. Otherwise it's not worth
the potential loss of good will.
Have no worries, Norma.
I'm quite confident that
I can come up with the right prices.
- I think I've already demonstrated that.
- Oh, certainly.
Can I tempt you to do
something in the c*ck bar?
Why not!
Ah-ah-ah-ah!
I told you I'll meet you
round the back.
Yeah, but Pongo fancied
a quick pina colada.
- You what?
- I've got to get the van back.
- before the governor get in, Arthur.
- All right, all right.
Pino it is then,
Pongo.
I want the seedless confiture,
as much as you can get.
If you can get ketchup in sachets,
I'll have that an'all.
What about brown sauce?
I can get that in sachets an'all.
- Why not?
- Okay.
I'll bell you.
See you, Tel.
What were you trying to
bring him into the hotel for?
Are you trying to undermine me?
- Ehh.
- Terence, Fathers first!
- Morning, Father!
- Good morning to you, sir.
Morning, my son.
I have a meeting in the bar...
Smashing,
I could m*rder a beer.
No, no. Go and have
a cup of tea somewhere,
- it's business.
- Oi. Listen, you!
Just because I've been humping bog rolls
round the tradesman's entrance for you...
doesn't mean I'm not good enough
to drink in the same hotel bar, does it?
- All right, all right.
- All right, I'm coming.
But keep your voice down.
A minder?
I can't imagine Arthur
having any enemies.
Well, no. It's more a case
of protecting him from his admirers.
No, no, no.
Terry is a freelance, Norma.
I mean, naturally I take a small commission
from anyone who use his services.
I mean, he worked with them all,
wasn't ya?
- footballers, pop stars...
- Pongo Harris.
Must be rather dangerous.
Oh. Hair-raising!
I mean, do you remember
that time in the lock-up,
when you dropped that telly
right on on my foot...
Of course he is not just a matter
of muscle, you understand, Norma.
I mean,
it requires tact, diplomacy,
and the ability to blend in
with a wide variety of social milieus.
Oh, it do, it do.
Fascinating.
Thank you very much, Arthur.
And er...
Do let me know as soon as possible
about those items we discussed.
As I said, I...
I can't promise anything.
Goodbye, Terry,
nice to have met you.
Cheers.
There goes a woman
after my own heart, Terrence.
- Fancy it, do you?
- Oh. Look...
Do you think just occasionally,
you could not lower everything
to the level of the gutter?
Why?
My admiration for Mrs Bates is that
of one business person for another.
Yes, I will concede
she is a handsome woman...
..but what I personally
find really exciting...
Yeah, yeah,
go on, go on.
..is her razor-sharp grasp
of profit margins and overheads.
Oh, you really do fancy her,
don't you?
[CHUCKLES]
You... You...
You clocked those two?
- What, the bible bashers?
- Yeah. It's a bit strong, isn't it?
I mean, men of the cloth
knocking back pints in a c*ck bar.
They're allowed a drink.
Yeah, but only red wine, innit?
Oh, care to join us
in a libation, Padre?
Thank you, the one pint of this
excellent ale will suffice.
Fare dose.
Moderation in all things.
Come on. Let's get out of here,
they've put me off my fruit salad.
Yeah, but...
It's £22.50 a night
with continental breakfast.
- Bye, Sue.
- Bye, Mr Daley.
Thank you, my dear.
No breakfast, ta.
I've got to watch me figure.
I'm a model, you see.
Ah.
Right.
A single room, no breakfast.
Morning tea? Newspaper?
No, none of that, ta.
Right.
- Here we are, 206.
- Mm.
Shall I get someone
to carry your cases up?
No, I'll manage that.
Could you tell us again,
how much it is for 3 nights?
Of course.
Er, this Norma bird,
she own this Haven Lodge Hotel, is she?
No, no, no. The proprietor lives abroad.
You know, tax reasons.
In that case why is she
buggering and chasing around
for cut-price butter
from the likes of you?
A few quid off the overheads, Dave.
It all mounts up.
Oh, I see.
Finger in the till job, eh?
No, Dave.
A legitimate bonus, an incentive,
it brings the best out in people.
You listen to Mrs Finchley,
she knows all about that.
Hey, listen to this.
This machine.
You bump powdered potato
in one end...
and chips come out the other.
Well, this skateboards may come
and skateboards may go,
but the punter always gonna wants
his chips, innit?
That's the wonderful thing
about the food industry, Dave.
[PHONE]
You call that food?
I'm not talking about eating it,
I'm talking about selling it.
Winchester Club.
You want to talk to Arthur?
I'm not here. I'm grafted.
I haven't been all day. I'm in conference.
It's not 'Er Indoors,
it's a Mrs Bates.
Why didn't you say?
Give it here.
Hello, Norma, Arthur here.
You'll be very pleased to know
the jam situation is ongoing.
No, Arthur,
it's not about jam.
No. It's my security man has gone sick.
Oh, I see.
Oh yes, he'd be well competent,
Norma. No doubt about that.
Splendid!
I'll expect to hear from you
shortly.
Goodbye.
You sure this will be all right?
Absolutely.
Daley's eating out of pair of my hand.
And ar...
As for this bouncer person of his...
[LAUGHS]
it'll probably take him an entire weekend
to figure out how to use the lifts.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Good.
I'm not wearing the uniform.
Who said anything about a uniform?
It's a suit and tie job.
Clean finger nails, brush your hair.
All you have to do is stand around,
looking suave
and make sure nobody legs it
without paying their bills.
I don't know, Arthur.
Look, you'll be
the official house detective.
I mean think how nice would that look
on your curriculum vitae.
You've seen it in the movies,
they call them the house d*ck.
Yeah, that's exactly
what I'll feel like an'all, would I?
Don't... don't... Stop running around,
I'm getting dizzy.
Oh.
Look, it's only till they get a replacement
for their regular.
Meals on the house,
your own room,
colour tele,
nice little wage at the end.
Says nothing about
the perks.
What perks?
Well, you know,
rich American widows
over in Europe
trying to make up for lost time.
What? At that lodge hotel?
Do me a favour!
Hold on. Can't you be optimistic
just once in a while?
Alright, I tell you I'll do it.
On one condition.
What?
No more lumping gear about
with Pongo.
- Oh absolutely, Terry. Absolutely.
- Right.
Now. Let's assure you, Terry,
all I am interested in,
is you having a job
due worthy of your talents.
Could be
a turning point in my career.
Exactly. Yeah. Off you go.
Quick shave and a shower,
put that nice whistle on that I got for you
from Gimmy the Greek.
Yeah.
Thanks Arthur.
Thank you for changing my life.
You're welcome, Terry.
[CHATTER]
See you later.
- I don't think we'll do much in here.
- I'll do the thinking, alright?
- I don't reckon much of this place.
- Now listen sonny...
Morning, my dear.
And we find that the hours between
are when guests are most likely
to try to introduce...
non-residents
into their rooms.
So do your rounds then,
and again around 4.
It means you won't get
an uninterrupted night's sleep
but it's only for a couple of days.
Yeah, all right, all right.
Any occurrences that might
involve the police...
a reported theft for example,
come to me immediately.
Do not...
take it upon yourself to take action
or to notify the police,
without referring to me,
all right?
Sure.
Finally, Terry,
staff... are as big a problem
to security as guests.
Now you... are my eyes and ears
in this matter.
If you see or hear
anything suspicious...
come to me,
no matter how trivial, all right?
Yeah. Absolutely, Norma.
Understood.
No. Hold on, Arthur, listen.
It's a bit difficult for me, innit?
I don't know what they're suppose
to be doing in the first place.
Nor if I know if they're in
or out of order, would I?
Just ask me.
And I'll tell you.
Excuse me. Sue?
Yeah.
- I'm Terry McCann.
- The new security officer.
- Yeah. Apparently, yeah.
- Well, I'll show you your cupboard.
- Cupboard?
- You'll find out.
Five minutes, Mary.
And now I have to go
to meet
several the local Rotarians
in the bar.
They hold their
weekly luncheons here,
so I've to keep them sweet.
Will you excuse me?
I was just about to suggest
that we have a quick one to...
cement our new relationship?
Well, all right.
And, Arthur,
I'd rather you didn't
discuss exact nature
of our dealings
with any of the Rotary members,
all right?
Say no more, Norma,
stand on me.
Nice, very nice.
Cosy, isn't it?
Phew.
Still, it's only for a couple of nights,
I suppose.
Listen, I've had the official story
from whatserface... Norma.
But what really goes on here?
I'm sure Mrs Bates
gave you the full picture.
Oh, I see.
She told me, that most important thing
was spying on the staff.
But for what it worst
that's not my style.
What the hell.
I don't care if she knows
what I think any more.
The main thing about this place
is that it barely pays its way.
It hasn't been fully booked
since it was built.
The owner lives in Spain,
and the rumour is he'd love to sell it,
but there aren't any takers.
Bates is as tightfisted as they come
and we're hopelessly understaffed.
We haven't had an assistant manager
for a month.
Most of the domestics staff are
English language students
without work permits.
When if people stay here,
they've either made a mistake
or their firms booked them in.
Now,
if you ask me...
Bates is screwing
what she can out of it
before the whole thing
falls apart as it seems.
Why do you stick it?
Have you been out
on the streets lately?
The unemployed are standing around
in small groups of half a million.
And anyway...
I've got form.
Do what?
Youthful indiscretion
with a good looking car thief.
Doesn't look good
on job applications.
No. I know.
- I see.
- Hm.
What, do you get some time off
for a drink now'a'en?
Now and then?
Pick up the phone
and ask for Reception.
Yeah, I will.
I'll buzz you if the Rotary Club
start a riot in the c*ck bar.
[GIGGLES]
Philip Higgins.
- Howdy.
- Howdy.
Charles Ridings.
Arthur Daley.
Oh, one of the Yorkshire Ridings,
I presume?
I beg your pardon?
Oh come from Yorkshire do ya,
Daley?
Charles is an eminent jeweller,
Philip manages a bank.
In fact, he has the misfortune
to handle the hotel accounts.
Hence the sparse hairs.
What's your line, Daley?
Well, I'm fairly broad-based.
Wholesale merchandising.
Export Import.
Import Export, eh?
What sort of product?
Well, out of many of the top
of my head... Jam...
Fascinating.
Big set-up, is it?
No, no, no.
Just myself and an assistant.
I have no time for big set-ups.
I mean the smaller you are,
- the faster you can move.
- Right, yes, right.
Yes, well,
I can see the sense in that.
Listen, Daley,
it's my unfortunate task to...
choose guest speakers
for our weekly lunches.
It's a devil damn job
to find new topics.
Now chap like you: Yorkshireman,
one man band, quick on your feet...
Could be a breath of fresh air, eh?
What do you say, Charles?
I was thinking of asking that dreadful
microcomputer chap again.
Yes. I'll be fascinating to hear
Mr Daley speak to us.
Well, what do you say, Daley?
There are on next Monday?
Chap with a ready whit like you
should need much notice.
- Well, eh...
- You must, Arthur.
It's a splendid idea!
Oh, well.
If you really think so.
Excellent. Here, well now,
what about another tincture?
- Not for me, thanks.
- Large one, Daley?
What?
Oh, large one. Yes. Rather.
[INAUDIBLE CHATTER FROM OUTSIDE]
[LOUD BANG FROM OUTSIDE]
- 206, please.
- Hello.
Ta.
If anybody wants me,
I'm having a look round. All right?
Okay.
- Pass key.
- Oh.
I'll put it with my
Smith and Wesson.
You all right?
I'm a resident in this hotel,
you know.
Good for you.
So don't get any ideas.
All I have to do is press that button
saying 'Alarm', right?
As it happens I'm suppose to be
the security man here.
So you wouldn't have to,
would you?
- Really?
- Cross my heart.
Look I'm sorry, mate.
Oh dear, oh dear.
Looks like you've had your chips.
[LAUGHS]
I wouldn't eat off this carpet.
Excuse fingers.
- You don't mind?
- I don't care.
I thought there was a rule, you know,
about not bringing food in.
If there is,
I don't know about it.
Oh. Great,
I was dead scared.
Is everything all right,
my child?
Oh yes, Father.
He's security.
How reassuring.
Everything all right?
Enjoying your stay?
- Very rewarding, thank you.
- Good.
Here, did you see her?
Just hold your peace,
Father Andrew.
You got to be dead careful
in these long-to-know hotels.
Can you hold them?
Especially if you're
an unaccompanied female.
You know what I mean?
'Cos everyone thinks
she's on the flaming game.
[CHUCKLES]
Is that right?
You could you do us a favour,
could you?
I don't know about that.
Come in here a minute...
Ah, well, it's...
Please.
Come in.
Oh, ta.
Could you get us some coffee in there,
could you?
I just don't fancy going down
to the restaurant on me own.
It holds three cups.
How much you reckon it'll cost?
A bit short, are you?
I can pay me way, mate.
I'm not asking for a hand-out.
I've paid for this room
- in advance. 3 nights.
- Hold on, hold on. Keep your hair on.
Now you see
I'm not room service.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm a bit like hyped-up, you know.
Cos I'm a model,
well, starting out.
I've got a photo session tomorrow.
I'm a bit nervous about it.
Hey!
What do you reckon to these?
Me boyfriend took them.
He's amateur,
but it's good practice.
He's all right, ain't he?
How old do you
reckon I look, eh?
Most people reckon about 20.
How old are you really?
well, almost.
I'm from Liverpool.
Could you tell?
Does anyone know
you're down here?
Yeah, course.
I saved up, you see.
This photographer
he does me a whole portfolio
and gets me my first job. Right?
- That's £120.
- Ooh.
So I thought
if something breaks for me quick like,
I've got to have an address.
I mean
I don't see the editor of Cosmopolitan
phoning me at the YWCA.
[HE CHUCKLES]
So I had to save for a few nights
in a hotel as well.
Mind you,
bit of a dump, isn't it?
Hey, no offense, mate,
you work here, don't you?
So yeah,
I've not much over like.
- Hey, have a chip.
- No, no, thanks, no.
Am I talking too much?
I don't want to put you off.
Put me off what?
What's you doing later on?
Do you ever go
in the c*ck bar down there?
No, I'm not allowed, I work here.
No.
And you're too young to drink,
remember?
Listen. Do yourself a favour,
sit tight here, keep out of trouble.
And when you've had your photographs taken,
go home, eh?
Ta-ra.
The Rotary Club,
eh?
Is that the mob with rolled-up trousers
and a funny handshake?
No, no, no, Dave. No.
That's your Three-masons.
No. The Rotarians they are solid citizens
in various trades and professions,
dedicated to charitable work.
DAVE SIGHTS
Oh, I see...
Hey, you must be a natural, Arthur.
How strange you haven't joined before?
I've not been asked to joining,
Dave.
I've been asked to address the local branch
at one of their luncheons.
Still,
charity or not charity,
I mean the rope it's got to be
a tasty leg-up contact-wise, innit?
You... What are you going
to address them about, Arthur?
Japanese whiskey?
Second-hand bog paper?
Import Export,
if you don't mind.
I can't find anything about jam in here.
It's only commodities and gilts.
Oh. Jam is a commodity, innit,
Arthur?
Yeah, but not like rubber or copper,
is it?
No. Not as I recall it, no.
They quote like sugar, coffee, tea.
Er... Jam wouldn't be out of place
amongst them, would it?
Would you come pull a few pints
and leave me alone.
Anyway jam was just what I mentioned
off the top of my head...
What they're more
interested in
is the smaller scale of operation
which I represent.
Ahh...
You're not going to tell them
about your sex life, are you?
[LAUGHS]
Evening all.
You were supposed to phone me.
I was just passing.
Here. Bung us a...
Drambuie and lime, will you, guv.
I brought some samples.
Arthur!
Is... Is this with you?
- No, no, no. Not in here..
- Here, I opened it, it's not bad.
- No, no, no...
- DAVE: Arthur!
I want it out of here this minute.
Before the Health Inspector closes me down.
- Come outside, Pongo.
- Here, what's up?
Come outside, outside.
And try not to brush against anything.
Nothing personal,
Pongo, but...
a bath and a change of clothes
would do wonders for your image.
I don't know
what are you talking about.
This suit doesn't need changing,
it got yonks of wear in it yet.
All right. Never mind.
What's the S.P. on the jam?
- It's here, Arthur. I've got it.
- Terrific, terrific.
Right.
Bring it round the lock-up first thing.
No, can't do, Arthur,
we've got to shift it now.
Look, we said tomorrow, Pongo,
and tomorrow it is.
It is going home time, Pongo.
Arthur, if we don't shift it now,
I've got to dump it.
ARTHUR SIGHS
PONGO: There is...
There's a whisper going around
that the Old Bill are going to turn my manor
upside down after that bit of naughtiness
in the jeweller's in Bond Street.
Oh, yeah. And you'll be the first person
they'll come to, the well-known
- national jewel thief.
- No, no, no, no.
Of course not,
but you know what my family is like.
I mean, it's me...
my brother-in-law, my nephew.
They'll all be pulled in for a word.
And I...
I don't want them
poking round in that lot.
Why not?
It's all kosher, isn't it?
Oh, yes, yes. Of course it is,
but...
Well, you know what it's like...
It's not easy to explain.
Please, Arthur,
I've got to get it off my hands now.
Oh, God... All right. You better
follow me to The Haven Lodge Hotel.
I only hope they can take delivery
at this time of day.
Ta, Arthur,
you're a real pal.
Yeah. And let's this keep in platonic,
shall we, Pongo?
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
Time for vespers I think,
Father Andrew.
Pardon?
Just get up of your pardon a*s
and follow me.
All right. All right.
Good evening, Father.
How's the conference going?
The problems of the Third World
confound us all, Mrs Bates.
But we mustn't
get into despair.
I'm sure you won't,
Father.
It's all happening, Norma.
You don't sound
particularly pleased.
Let's be realistic.
I've never dealt
with this sort of person before.
They smashed open the window
with an industrial rivet g*n,
then one of them empties both barrels
of a 12-bore into the shop.
That's Barry Pollard at work.
It's a miracle
nobody was k*lled.
But he needs you,
Charles.
No-one in the country
can offer him such a good deal.
He's a dangerous
unpredictable villain, Norma.
And whatever you offer these people,
it's never enough on the day.
Well, we just have to make sure
on the day,
that he goes by the book.
- Good evening.
- You all right?
Nothing.
Poxy luggage.
Get on with it.
Nice alarm clock.
Oh, good!
We can pay the bill with that.
We can retire on it, ain't we?!
Come on.
Right, that'll do you.
Hey, son, give us a hand
with a little bit of unloading, will you?
No chance, it's dinner-time.
Typical! It's only 5 minutes,
then you can have your dinner.
Look... It's not my dinner,
it's their dinner.
D'you know I've got to whack out
Eh! Give us a hand, Arthur.
Ah...
Er, I'll go and get Terry.
What do you suggest?
When Pollard arrives
I'll put him in a room
that's already booked.
What's more,
the person who's booked with him
will be decidedly dodgy.
I'll tell Pollard that you're having lunch
with the Chief Inspector
and giving me
handing over the money.
I'll have McCann on call.
If anything goes wrong
He can hold Pollard long enough for me
to alert the Chief Inspector
that something suspicious
is going on.
[HE CHUCKLES]
That sounds fine.
But how do we conjure up
this eminently suspicious person?
And how do we persuade him
to book the room just when it suits us?
I just want to see him
for a minute.
I promised I would.
Well,
all right.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Come in.
You've got a visitor.
- Hi.
- Bye.
Oh, don't go, Sue.
Well,
what do you think?
What do I think about what?
The outfit.
I'm wearing it tomorrow
for me photo session.
Yeah, it's very nice.
Mm.
Isn't it past your bedtime?
Thank you, sir.
Evening, Sue.
Terry about?
In his room.
- You might as well join the queue.
- Oh!
She's dead jealous, that Sue,
I can tell.
Here...
You don't really fancy her, do you?
She's old enough
to be me mum.
And you're old enough to be my
daughter.
On your feet, Terry.
'Scuse me, love.
- Little job out the back.
- Do what?
Unloading job out the back.
Come on.
Hey, Arthur,
I'm on duty.
I am a hotel security man,
I've got my suit on.
I'm not humping gear round
with Pongo.
You Terry's old man, then?
No he's not.
Certainly not.
What d'you mean, on duty?
Feet up, surrounded by
tweenyboppers? Come on.
Who are you calling a teenybopper?
- Seems quite obvious to me that...
- Well, if you just wait a minute, sir.
I'll call the Security Officer.
Just a minute.
For crying out loud, Terry,
- I'm only asking for 5 minutes.
- Oi!
Hey, are you a resident here
or what, mate?
- Terry.
- Here, do you mind?
May I remind you
that you're not supposed
- to be in here at all.
- Oh, get you!
- Will you belt up!
- I don't know what's going on here...
but there's some guests
- in reception who suspect...
- I know, Mrs Bates,
- I was just call...
- Get back to the desk, Sue.
Terry,
you come to my office.
Arthur, would you mind
waiting for me in the bar?
- Course not, Norma.
- Can you handle that on your jack?
And I'm afraid
we discourage guests
fraternising with the staff
in their quarters.
Mm.
Pardon me for breathing.
Oh, I'll have that bloody Pongo
so help me.
Oh, no!
But nothing is actually missing?
No.
but my wife is positive
someone had been through her suitcase.
She's a very careful packer is
my wife.
Well, you see
we can't take action
unless something
has actually been stolen.
You'll have to give us another room.
We can't stay in that one.
Of course.
And Mr McCann will check your room
for any signs of a possible break-in.
Right.
Just pop up and look around,
as if you know what you're looking for.
- What? Do you think they're imagining it?
- Of course.
Either that
or angling for better a room.
You really love your job,
don't you?
Evening, my dear.
What's it matter?
If we don't get a taste,
we can leg it and try somewhere else.
One more word out of you,
and I'll teach you what the vows
of chastity really mean, my son.
Large vodka and tonic, please,
fairly large.
Er... Norma,
the confiture has arrived.
Oh! Excellent, Arthur.
On the dot as ever.
Now, Arthur...
- The reason I want to talk to you...
- Yeah, but about the jam...
Oh please, Arthur,
don't worry yourself about that.
I have something far more important
to discuss.
Ta-ra.
How would you like a contract
to supply 4 large hotels
on a regular basis?
Contract?
You negotiate on behalf of the hotel,
and sub-contract how and when you please.
Oh. You could do it
standing on your head, Arthur.
I... I think I'd need to know
a little more about it, Norma.
Well, of course, Arthur.
Now I've arranged a meeting
with the people in question on Monday.
I think we ought to make a bit of a splash,
you know?
Lay on a little hospitality.
Oil the wheels, eh?
I think I get your drift, my dear.
[SHE LAUGHS]
[KNOCK]
Come in.
Good morning.
- Is it?
- Oh dear, someone have a bad night?
- Yeah, you could say that.
- I've brought you some coffee.
God bless you.
Mind you, I got to have to report you
to blast the Bates, you know?
For misuse of hotel crockery.
Oh, a new member of the
Norma Bates Fan Club.
D'you know what she had me do
last night?
Out the back,
making sure none of the kitchen staff
were stealing steaks
stuffed up their trousers legs.
- And did you?
- Of course not.
I went over the road
and had a pint. [GIGGLES]
Those poor sods are too knackered
to even lift a steak.
She'll be in a better mood
today.
It's the Rotary Club lunch.
So she'll be seeing her boyfriend.
Boyfriend?
Cor...
He must be a right masochist.
No wonder that other security guard
went sick.
He probably topped himself,
didn't he?
Went sick?
He didn't go sick. He got the sack.
Ah. He was probably stealing
the plastic spoons?
No. Funny enough, Norma's bloke
Charles Riding, was involved.
Benny heard voices from an empty room,
went in,
and there was Riding
with this other bloke.
Oh, nice!
No, it wasn't like that.
They were having a row.
Riding was waving a handful of money
in this man's face
and shouting at him.
Next day, Bates finds an excuse
for giving Benny his cards.
I reckon Riding is a villain.
Well, nothing'd surprise me
in this gaff.
Tell you what,
there was a better atmosphere
in the Scrubs.
As soon as I locate Arthur
I'm on me bike.
That'll be a shame.
It's been nice
having a friendly face around.
That don't mean say I won't pop back
to have a drink with a few old mates.
Soon, I hope.
I don't know about soon, no.
Could be as late as tonight.
- Top of the morning, David.
- Arthur! God...
What time you call this on?
I haven't my breakfast yet.
As from this morning,
please forward all messages...
to the Jubilee Suite
at the Haven Lodge Hotel,
where I should be in residence.
You giving 'Er Indoors
a second honeymoon, Arthur?
You're joking.
I shall be wooing
a group of leading hoteliers
with a view to supplying them with
certain commodities on a regular basis.
What a stroke, Dave!
And it's legit.
But what about your speech?
That'll be slotted in
during lunchtime as planned.
- Yeah. Give us a butcher's.
- Yeah, of course.
Here you are.
I've been up all night working on this.
- Can I use the dog?
- Yeah, yeah. Feel free.
Cor.
What about that then!
Dave,
what's the code for Bahrain?
What? Bah where?
ARTHUR LAUGHS
Hello, Pongo,
you walking health hazard.
We... What?
Oh, Mrs Harris.
Oh, sorry about that, love.
Look, do you...
Oh, my Gawd!
When did they pick him up?
You... You don't know
what it's about?
Helping them with their inquiries,
yeah, yeah.
Er, no, no, no. No message, no.
Absolutely none.
Oh my Gawd,
they've nicked Pongo.
That's a fly in the ointment.
I only hope it's something very serious
and nothing to do with me.
Hey, Arthur, this... this...
this goes on a bit, don't it?
Yeah, well, I was... I was trying
to be... comprehensive.
Mr Chairman, Mr Secretary,
members of the Willesden Rotary Club...
I would like to say what a pleasure,
and all indeed, and all that blah, blah...
on the pillars of the community...
a bit more bleeding on it...
There's all this guff here
about the Common Market.
Yeah, I nicked that out of the Economist.
I've rearranged it, of course.
But you... You're supposed
to kick off with a bit of a joke, Arthur.
I mean, that is what your
after-dinner speaking's all about.
I know,
I've been to some of these dos.
We have a nice little nosebag,
top up with brandy...
sit back for a bit of a chuckle,
you know, before the stripper.
Would you mind?
This is not a charabanc trip
with the Licensed Retailers' Association.
I'm going be addressing a group of
very sophisticated professional men.
And frankly, Dave,
I am better equipped to judge them
than you.
Oh well.
I suppose they'll get a laugh
whatever happens.
Okay, see you soon, mate,
cheers.
He's on his way.
Well, this is it.
- This is what?
- Me big day.
Me first session
with the professional photographer.
I'm exhausted.
I've been up since 5.
Changed me outfit 10 times.
What do you reckon?
- On what?
- The outfit.
Oh... Get...
Oh, that's... Look at that!
That's terrific, ain't it?
- Really?
- Yeah, honestly. Really, smashing.
I'm all that nervous.
Hey, what bus do I get to Islington?
Hey, you're not going
to take all that by bus, surely?
- Yeah, I'll be all right.
- No, here, come here, come here.
- Get yourself a cab, all right?
- Oh, I couldn't.
Come on, take it.
You'll never get there otherwise.
Pay me back when you're rich
and famous, all right?
Ah, thanks.
Great.
Heart of gold.
That's me, ain't it,
you know?
Busy, McCann?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm rushed off me feet.
Register the Jubilee Suite
in Mr Daley's name, would you, Sue.
He's entertaining some business people
after the Rotary lunch.
Do what?
You're here on sufferance,
McCann.
Try and stay out of my way.
I've had a shifty
in the hotel register.
Some geezer's booked into the big
suite on the top floor.
So we're gonna have a look in there,
then we'll have it on our toes,
- try up West.
- Well, about time.
Cor, what a hole, eh?
- Morning, Sue.
- Oh, Mr Daley.
You'll be wanting
the Jubilee Suite.
The very same.
My boy about?
- Oi!
- Oh. Talk of the devil.
- I want a word with you.
- Follow me up to the penthouse suite.
I hope it's got a balcony
with a long drop.
If I bring this off, Terry,
you're my man in the field, right?
- What field?
- I mean think of it.
A brand new Cortina on the firm.
And all you have to do is
cruise around a few hotels
making sure they're all right
for bog rolls and butter.
Drinks in the bar,
meals on the house
Listen.
Is this all according to Bates?
'Cos she's so bent she's going forward
when she should be coming back.
Terry, to impress on you
the seriousness of the matter
here's a century
up front
for staying with it
until I'm home and dry.
Gordon Bennet!
You really are serious, aren't you?
Now, go on, hop it.
I've got to memorise my address.
You know your address.
My lunch-time address
to the Rotary Club.
[KNOCK]
Yeah?
- Mr Sullivan?
- Yeah.
I'm Karen Bradley from Liverpool.
I've got an appointment.
Oh, right.
Well,
let's have a look at you then.
Put the bags down.
Head up.
Nice bone structure.
Great skin.
These some of your clients?
Oh yeah.
See her?
She pulls a grand a day now.
Beautiful girl.
- You bring your money?
- Oh, yeah.
Oh.
Why don't you go through the back,
get changed.
And I think you'll find
this is directly related
to the fluidity of the...
funds... available.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Enter.
- Ah.
- Everything all right, Arthur?
Very nice, Norma.
Very nice indeed.
- Any sign of our colleagues?
- No.
They'll probably arrive
while you're having lunch.
I've arranged for little refreshment
up here, if that's all right with you?
Oh, splendid, splendid.
Nothing like a touch of my public relations.
You explained to them I was
otherwise engaged
- with the Rotary...
- Oh, yes. That went down very well.
Say so?
I suppose it would.
Oh. If you'll excuse me, Norma,
I... I think I'm expected in the bar.
Of course.
Thank you.
Coffee time.
Oh, ta.
Ooh, not on the counter.
- Still here then?
- Yeah, I was bribed.
By the way, we have two of
London's finest on the premises.
What you talk?
They reading their papers upside down?
I recognised one of them
from my bad old days.
A DS out from Paddington.
[TERRY CHOKED]
and there are two more
likely candidates lurking about.
It's nothing to do with us.
Unless you haven't been paying
your parking tickets.
Oh, cheek!
My name's Pollard.
I'm looking for Mrs Bates.
Oh, Mrs Bates, Mr Pollard.
How do you do, Mr Pollard?
This way. You're in the Jubilee Suite.
..you hear it.
You know everyone I think, don't you,
Daley? Except, chief inspector Baxter.
- Oh. Please to meet you, chief inspector.
- Albert.
Have we met before?
Your face is familiar?
No, no, no, no. I don't think so.
No, no. Definitely no.
Well, well...
Possibly, you know, poss...
Been to a wedding
or something Daley?
- Sue me we've met before.
- No, no, I don't think so.
I wouldn't er...
Oh, thank you.
Turn around.
Stick out your bum.
Right, early.
Go on,
say "sex"
You what?
Alright, say "cheese",
think sex.
[CAMERA CLICKS]
OK, that's that one.
- I'll change now, yeah?
- Yeah.
Yeah, we'll do a bit of tit now.
Look, mate.
I'm modeling clothes,
not page 3.
Yeah.
Well, people have got to know
what your body's like, don't they?
I just paid you 120
flaming quid
to take professional shots of me
in clothes.
Who's the expert here,
you or me?
Do you want to get on?
Do as I say.
Get them off
or get out.
I want me money back.
Ha-ha.
I didn't hear that.
I just want to see Riding.
I want to see the money.
He's at a formal lunch.
Please relax.
You'll er...
see the money in about half an hour.
In the meantime,
let me send you up some food.
- Yeah, great.
- No. Don't send nothing up.
Eh?
As you wish.
What's up with you, then?
That bint.
Where's she only come from?
So riding's a bit of nookie,
you dozy berk.
Excuse, gents, I just... going to see
a man about a thing.
Oh!
Don't be long, Daley,
we're going into lunch in a minute.
What you up to now?
I'm going downstairs
to look for Riding.
And if I can't find him,
we're splitting.
He'll be here.
Oh, very nice.
[HOT AIR DRIER]
Oh?
Oh!
Only good quality gear.
- Right?!
- Well, I thought..
Don't think.
You're not built for it.
- Get off.
- Get off?
- I'll give you...
- Dad! Please don't hurt me.
Please, Dad. Please.
Don't!
For Gawd's sake, Terry,
they're going into luncheon.
And someone's nicked the case
with my speech in it.
- I mean I was only...
- All right, all right. Now, think.
- Who else was in the khazi?
- No-one.
Oh, yeah. Wait a minute.
The God squad. The young one.
Look, they'd have dumped it by now,
Terry, there's nothing but papers in it.
Look, go and look through every khazi,
every rubbish bin...
- Do what?
- every dustbin.
Oh... come... er...
they're going into luncheon, Terry.
Yeah, and I'm just about
to have my luncheon, Arthur.
Please, Terry, please.
We've got one hour.
- Help me find my speech.
- All right, all right. All right.
Have you seen Terry?
No,
not for a while.
- All right, don't panic.
- Well, find it.
I'll see you in the bar,
all right.
- Hey, Terry...
- Not now, love. I'm busy.
No, wait.
Someone's nicked me radio.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah.
I'll tell you funny thing
those two priests in the room opposite me.
I heard them talking, right?
And one of them called the other 'son'.
Yeah, but vicars always use
that sort of dialogue, don't they?
Yeah,
but then he called him 'dad'.
For what we are about to receive
may the Lord make us truly grateful.
Amen.
Here, sir.
- Everything all right, Daley?
- Er, yeah, yeah, fine.
Good Lord,
look at this butter.
'British Rail Traveller's Fare.'
[SPLUTTERING]
♪ And now the end is near
♪ And so I face
the final curtain
♪ Da de da de da do
...of which I'm certain
♪ Da da da de do
...and every highway
♪ And more,
much more than this
♪ I did it my way
♪ Regrets, I've had a few,
but then again, too few to mention... ♪
♪ Da bum da de da do
da de da de
Looking forward to your talk,
Daley.
You Northerners
certainly have a way with words.
Use notes do you?
Or is it all up there
in that sharp mind of yours?
Yeah, I expect so,
yeah.
- Steve?
- What's up?
Riding's downstairs.
He's having lunch with a bunch
of fellers in dickie suits.
Here, you been at this?
Course not.
Why?
That busty thief.
We've been stitched up!
Now, don't do anything
bleeding silly, Bal.
Sorry to burst in, fathers,
but there's been a a series of thefts.
And I've got to do a bit of checking about.
All right?
How unfortunate.
I... I can assure you
we've seen nothing suspicious.
No, of course you haven't.
Nevertheless,
I think I'll take a little peek
in the suitcase.
Is that all right?
Oh dear, oh dear.
Rosary?
Evensong, I think.
Yeah.
A-a-gh!
Hey!
Come on, you berk!
No, no! It's all right.
God bless yer.
You slag, Bates!
I... I say this very sincerely,
it's a treat to be appreciat... ated.
You... you... you don't know
what a leg-up it is for me
to be among
a bunch of blokes like you...
Rot... Rotararian... arians,
who know what it is
to make your way
in the world.
And I'll say
this very most sincerely
and very most
honourably.
I have been knocking my pipe out
for 40 years
and not a sausage,
nothing.
Not a gnat's
of appreciation.
[CRASH]
You slag, Riding,
I'll fix you!
You b*stard,
I'll get you!
I'm sorry, Charles,
I'm afraid I can't allow you to leave.
Nor you, Mrs Bates.
They got them in the end,
didn't they?
That Norma grassed on him
good and proper, didn't she?
I had her down
as iffy from the word 'go'.
Yeah, course you did,
Arthur.
The one I was worried about
was Pongo.
Idiot.
He talked his way out of that all right,
didn't he?
Listen, Sue
did you and him a right favour,
telling the Old Bill
that it was all down to Norma.
All that Jam and that stuff.
Maybe..maybe.
- Aren't we there yet?
- Yeah, just past that boozer.
Ah.
Say 'sex'.
[CAMERA CLICKS]
- Sullivan?
- What?
I'm a friend of Karen Bradley's.
I've come for a refund.
- Well, you can get stuffed, mate.
- Oh, dear.
That's a nice camera, innit?
Is it worth a few bob, is it, eh?
- Hey, leave it out.
- No, let's go and have a chat, eh?
So now you've got your money back,
what you gonna do, have another go?
No.
When I was in front of that bloke's camera,
I just felt dead ridiculous.
You know?
I mean, even if I went somewhere proper
it'd be down to the same thing.
'Stick your bum out.
Stick your t*ts out.'
No.
I've decided not to be exploited
as an object.
- Yeah, he's the same, aren't you, Arthur?
- What?
Come on, drink up.
We'll get you down the station.
Then I've got to sh**t
round the hotel.
You what?
Got a friend in
the hotel business.
It's his mother I figure.
Now then, you!
You wait. I'll catch up with you
in a couple of years.
There's a phone message for you,
Arthur.
Bloke called Higgins
from the Rotary club.
Oh yeah?
Yeah. He said he's sorry
your speech got messed up
and would you like
to have another shot?
What did I tell you, see?
Give em a taste, they come back for more.
- He is er.. suggested a theme.
- Oh yeah?
Come on then, let's have a look.
- No, no, no. No.
- What is it?
'Alcoholism
and the Small Businessman.'
Well, you're not very big, are yer?
Hic!
[TERRY LAUGHS]
DENNIS WATERMAN:
"I Could Be So Good For You"
♪ If you want to
I'll change the situation
♪ Right people right time
♪ Just the wrong location
♪ I've got a good idea
♪ Just you keep me near,
I'll be so good for you
♪ I could be so good for you,
I'm gonna help you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ I'll do anything for you ooh-ooh
♪ I'll be so good for you
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ I'll do it like you want me to
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ There ain't nothing
I can't go through ooh-ooh
♪ I'll be so good for you ♪
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