01x01 - A New Family

[bunniefuu]

I cannot wait to get to
the jersey shore.

The summer,
everyone goes to the shore.

Getting a jersey shore house
is wild.

That's when
the shirts come off

And the bikinis come out.

And that's where
you want to be.

A share house is
six to ten people.

It's crazy.

You have strangers living
with you the whole summer.

The nightlife, the girls.

Guidos everywhere,
hot girls, and house music.

I want to get into the house,
I want to meet some girls,

I want to meet some guys,
I want to see what's going on.

I'm ready to go.

I'm going to jersey shore,
b*tch!

All right, we got a situation.

I'm the sweetest b*tch
you'll ever meet.

[Laughing]

After I have sex with a guy,
I will rip their heads off.

Go vinny, go vinny!

Um, hello?

Out here in rhode island,

Guidos, when we stop,
our chrome keeps spinning.

I was born and raised a guido.
It's just a lifestyle.

It's being italian.

It's representing
family, friends,

Tanning, gel, everything.

I got a tanning bed
at my place.

That's how serious I am
about being a guido

And living up
to that lifestyle.

My tagline is,
"I'm your girl's favorite dj."

[Record skips]

I want the guidettes
to [bleep] in their pants

When they hear my music.

All the ladies
are fighting to see

Who's going home
with the dj.

I don't try to take a lot of
guys' girlfriends,

But it just happens.

They'll end up leaving them
for me.

It takes me about 25 minutes
to do my hair.

It comes out perfect
every single time.

There's no way I'm going to
jersey without my hair gel.

Can't leave without my gel.

When I hit the jersey shore,
they're gonna see a new guido.

Every girl loves the new guy.

I'm going
to jersey shore, b*tch!

Thanks.

I want to marry a guido.

My ultimate dream is
to move to jersey,

Find a nice, juiced,
hot, tan guy,

And live my life.

Guido applications
accepted over here!

I love guidos!
Let's go.

I like tan, italian boys
with muscles.

Size does not matter.

You know,
even though I'm small,

I have a loud mouth,

I stick up for myself,
and I don't give a sh*t.

You haven't seen anything

Until you see me
at the jersey f*cking shore.

See you later, ma.

This is the situation
right here.

My abs are so ripped up,
it's... We call it the situation.

A guido is a good-looking,
smooth, well-dressed italian.

Looks good.

I check out the mirror
and, like, "whoo.

Today's gonna be a good day."

Girls love guidos.
I'm not even joking.

I know girls that just go
for that.

I mean, you can hate on me
all you want to,

But what can you possibly say
to somebody

Who looks like rambo pretty much
with his shirt off?

We usually work out
at least five days a week.

If I walked in the door
and seen myself,

I'd probably grab my girl
real quick.

I'm known around town
as sammi sweetheart.

I'm the sweetest b*tch
you'll ever meet,

But do not f*ck with me.

I'm not looking for mr. Right.

I am looking to break
a lot of hearts

And to get with a lot
of good, hot, sexy guidos.

Your number one mission
is to go out

And find the hottest guido
and take him home.

The smaller the shorts,
the better,

Because all the little
guido guys out there love them.

I love to get dolled up.

I love to look good.

I can never go out
without my hair extensions.

A guidette is somebody
who knows how to club it up,

Takes really good care
of themselves,

Has pretty hair,
cakes on makeup,

Has tan skin,
wears the hottest heels.

Pretty much they know how
to own it and rock it.

If you're not a guido,

Then you can get the f*ck
out of my face.

[Tires squeal]

[Chatter]

I'm definitely a mama's boy.

You know, my mom cooks for me,
cleans for me.

She loves me to death.

And, you know, that's just
the way it is in my family.

I'm definitely
a generational italian.

Guys with the blowouts
and the fake tans

And that guy that wear
lip gloss and makeup,

Those aren't guidos,
they're ret*rds.

Most people might consider
being a guido,

Like, you're stupid,

But I went to school,
graduated college.

That doesn't shy away from,
say, I don't have fun at night.

You know what I mean?

And I party and fist-pump
like the best of 'em.

And then it starts,
and then it comes up,

And then it comes up,
and then all of a sudden!

Pounding your fist
like a maniac.

Hey, I'm proud to be
a f*cking guido.

Bye, vin.
Get out of here.

Take care, pal.

This is my first 21 summer
at the jersey shore.

You ain't getting in
with a fake i.d.

It's 21 long years
of anticipation

To go to these places,
and, once you get there,

You're like, "holy [bleep].

It is the best [bleep] place
on earth."

Bye, ma.
Stop crying.

All right.
Bye.

Yeah, I have trouble
being away from home

Like any traditional
italian kid.

You know what I mean?

[Shutter snapping]

If you don't know me,
then you hate me,

And you wish you were me.

I am like a praying mantis.

After I have sex with a guy,
I will rip their heads off.

Let the party begin, b*tch.

I have a bad habit of playing

Little emotional games
with men.

When they date me,
it's cool in the beginning.

We do our thing
in the first month,

And then I send 'em on
a roller coaster ride to hell.

I have so many girls
that hate on me

'Cause whatever they are,
they can't compare to me.

I am seeing someone,

But since the jersey shore
is new to me,

I am going to be a kid
in a candy store.

I can't wait to
see what happens.

It's gonna be interesting.

Jersey shore, watch out.
J-woww is coming.

My only rule... Never fall
in love at the jersey shore.

Never ever, ever, ever.

I mean, I don't really know
what love means.

The whole thing about this is
pretty much getting laid.

Just take your shirt off
and they come to you.

It's like a fly
comes to sh*t.

First impression
is everything.

Everywhere you go,

You're always making a first
impression on somebody.

The bank account can be low,

But always have to look good,
always have to get a haircut,

Always have to have
new sneakers,

Always have to look fresh.

Can't forget my gel.
Cologne.

More cologne.
My protein shake.

Stereotype for a guido...

A guy that always looks
prettier than his girlfriend,

Which is completely
unacceptable.

I can't be with a girl that
doesn't look prettier than me.

Let's go.

I got three words: beers,
b*tches, and the beach.

That's all you need to know
about the jersey shore.

I am the kim kardashian
of staten island, baby.

You guys ready to party
with me this summer?

I'm ready to go wild.

I am all natural.
I have real boobs.

I have a nice, fat a*s.

Look at this sh*t.
I mean, come on, I'm hot.

If there's ever a time
where I don't look good,

I don't walk out of the house.

I don't really go out
looking for guys.

Usually they just come up
to me, and I just...

That's just, you know,
what happens.

Yeah, I'm very friendly.
I'm very outgoing.

But I could be bitchy too.

Like, don't get
on my bitchy side.

Doesn't that look hot on me?

Yeah, you looks really good
with that.

Now I have a boyfriend,
so I go out with him a lot.

See you later.
Love you.

It's a big test for me
and my boyfriend

To see if he's gonna be okay
with me being away from him.

If he trusts me,
it's gonna be great.

If he doesn't, then I'm gonna
have to move on, you know?

When I'm
in the jersey shore house,

I'm gonna show them what it's
like to be a real guidette.

I'm ready to party
and get out of control.

I'm single,
and I can't f*cking wait

To see what's gonna go down.

'Cause I don't think
they're gonna be ready

For the situation.

There's nowhere else
in the world

Like the jersey shore.

Got the bridge coming up.

Here we go.

[Gasps] seaside heights!
Whoo!

Get out of my way, f*ck.
[Horn honks]

Hello!
So I'm like, all right.

I figured I'd hook up with her.
Whoo!

Give me a shot.

That's like a turnoff when
a girl acts kind of sloppy.

Oh!
All: oh!

We're driving, making our way
to the jersey shore house.

Hopefully the house
is filled with

Some very good-looking girls.

I'm very anxious
to get down there

With my hot clothes
and my tan, just arrive.

'Cause once I arrive, it's just,
like, what's up, I'm here.

And everybody's gonna be like,
"oh, sh**t,

That's the situation
right there."

Yes, sir, it is.

I'm pulling up right here.

Let's check it out.

[Laughing] all right.

Home, sweet home.
Ooh, scarface. nice.

When I open the door,
it's actually pretty cool.

Pretty nicely decorated,

You know, it had a number of
rooms and a number of levels.

In the shore house.

I was like, you know what,

This is definitely gonna
be cool for the summer.

I guess I got first dibs
right now.

I was first in the house
and was able to decide

Where I wanted to stay.

Yeah.

And then wait for, you know,
the other roommates

To see if anybody else
were jerk-offs,

To see if there were any,
like, hot girls possibly.

I'm bringing new york
to jersey, "a,"

Because they don't even know
how to drive,

And, "b," they don't know
how to party.

Get out of my f*cking lane.

I don't want to be lost

'Cause I want to get to this
f*cking house already.

I've been so anxious.
Just want to get there.

Can't wait to see what this
place got in store for pauly d.

In the cadillac, riding out,

I'm so anxious to see
what this place looks like.

I never been to jersey.
Yeah, this is it right here.

Oh, look at the italian flag.
This is what I'm talking about.

That's it.
So I pulled up, I was pumped.

Holy sh*t.

What up, homey?

What's up, man? Paul.
What's up? Mikey.

Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

What's going on, man?

Just trying to get the nice
room or the nice bathroom.

Trying to check it out.

So if I was you, I'd pick out
something, you know what I mean?

Yeah, let me see.

So I walk in,
I see the first dude.

Right off the bat, we click.

I got a nice amount of stuff,

But definitely
not as much as you.

We decided that we're gonna
bunk together.

And then what we're thinking,
we can bunk with a chick.

And that'd be kind of cool.

Hello.
I hear a girl.

Hey.
How you doing?

Sam. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

Michael. Nice to meet you.
What's up? Nice to meet you.

Mwah. I see this beautiful
girl, and I'm like, damn.

And I immediately was like,
all right.

I figured
I'd hook up with her.

Let's check out the rooms,
we'll see what's up.

You know,
you could bunk with us.

Where am I going?
You could bunk with... [Laughs]

Typical jersey shore
italians.

They both have, like,
banging bodies.

They're just, like,
hot as hell.

I'm ready to party.

Get out there, just get filthy,

Creepy, and weird.

[Car horn blares]
f*ck off!

as*h*le.
[Laughs]

I can't drive.

You'll get over it.

If we decide all three of us
to like...

Us three?
Us three.

We could probably do that
'cause he's chill.

Seems like you're chill.
Yeah, I'm real chill.

Yeah. You want to do that?

Then we'd have to
decide real quick

'Cause people might be
showing up soon.

I'm, like, down.
Damn, this girl is so pretty.

Guess I would love to date ya.

I'm cutting you off, b*stard.
Thanks.

Oh. [Gasps]

My car's dead!
It died!

Yo, yo, yo.
What up, home boy?

What up?
What's going on, man?

What's up, man?
What's your name?

Vinny. What's going on?
Vinny. What's up, vinny?

First thing I see is
a spiky-haired guido kid,

And I'm like,
this kid's perfect.

And then I see a big,
muscular guido kid.

Sammi's not the hottest girl,
you know what I mean?

I would definitely expect
a little bit hotter.

If I was you, I'd probably
go with either

By yourself possibly

'Cause you don't want to
get stuck with a jerk.

I don't know
if the next person

Is gonna be someone
I want to sleep with.

Decisions, decisions.
I don't care.

If the person looks like
someone I want to room with,

Then I'll leave my suitcases.

If not, then I'm going to
the one by myself.

Oh, wait a second.
Oh, it's a girl.

Definitely.
It's a girl.

Is it a girl?
That's definitely a girl.

I see her get out of the car,

All I see is big, fake boobs,

Black hair with blonde streak.

You can tell she's a little bit
high-maintenance.

He ran downstairs.

So I moved the bags
into the bed that's isolated

Because I knew I wouldn't
sleep in a room with her.

Everybody's not here yet.
No, everybody's not here.

You still got a little choice
who you want to live with.

Hi.
Hi, honey.

Why don't you put something
down, sweetheart?

Just put some stuff down
for a second there.

Take a load off.
What's your name?

J-woww.
J-woww?

Not hating on the girl,

But you can just say
your real name.

I don't say, "hey, what's up?
My name is v-woww."

You know what I mean?

Why did you have to
take the single bed?

I had to.
Come on.

I had to. I'm sorry.

Why is it making
that terrible noise?

Oh, god.

If I have to wait
one more minute

To get in this friggin' house,
I'm gonna k*ll somebody.

Somebody here, vin?
[Door opens]

Hello! Party's here.

The party's here?
How are you?

What's up, sweetie?
Nicole. Hug.

Nice to meet you.
I'm like, wow.

She was like a little,
miniature chihuahua

Painted with some
spray paint black.

Yeah.
You guys drinking or what?

Yeah, it's right here.
Whoo! Give me a shot.

[Laughing] she's crazy.

What's your nickname?
Snooki.

Snooker or snookit.
No, we call her snickies?

Snook, snick, snickers.

I don't even know what it is.

Hey.
Hey, what's up?

I'm the smallest guy here.
f*ck.

What's your name?
Jenny.

Nice to meet you.
I'm ronnie.

I was honestly
attracted to ronnie.

He's sexy as hell, he's got
muscles, he's a typical guido.

Honestly, bro,

Like, it doesn't get
any better than this.

Unless we had a stripper pole,

Like, right in the middle
of the room.

Like, seriously,

Like, when I bring girls
back here,

Like, she might melt
in her pants.

I'm a little nervous.

I don't know what to
expect really.

You know, living in a house
with new people.

Listen, no bringing home
any wangsters, girls.

No bringing home any sluts.

That's all there is
in jersey.

What are you talking about?

So we're, like, waiting
for this last chick to arrive,

And we're all, like, anxious.

Hey.
Oh, hey, what's up?

And in walks in this girl
with garbage bags.

Thought that was kinda, like,
ghetto and, like, weird.

Like, you can't find
a suitcase?

No one in your family has
a suitcase you could borrow?

Cheers, mama.

I don't have anything yet,
but cheers.

So how you doing?
Hi.

What's going on?
You guys are already cooking?

Sweet.

In comes danny-slash-our
landlord-slash-our new boss.

He's in control of me
pretty much this summer.

Part of the deal of you guys
staying here

Is you'll also
be working for me.

You'll do a little bit of
everything

From selling t-shirts
to stocking to cleaning.

So I'm like, oh,
this guy means business.

I hope it's not hard work 'cause
I don't even want to work.

I'm a f*cking dj.

If you guys show up drunk,

Late, messed up,
not ready to work,

You guys will be fired.

We got it.
Good.

[Laughter]

Pleasure meeting all of y'all.
See you all tomorrow.

Thank you for having us.
We got you. We got you.

We finally get
the full house.

The party has officially begun.

It's settling in like this is
gonna be our summer.

Whoo! Give me a shot.

Whoo!

Take your glasses off.
I want to see your eyeballs.

Are you crazy?
There you go.

Give me a kiss.
Oh.

All: oh!
Both: hey!

All the girls are like fish

Waiting for somebody to
throw out a line.

Yo, meet us on our street.

You can't bring a girl
into this house.

That's just gonna cause
massive amounts of problems.

♪ Hey ♪

Take a shot. Ready?

[Screams] ooh!

At this point,
nicole is lightening up.

She's having a few drinks,

And I noticed that she's getting
a little bit drunk.

Oh, my god.

Who do you think I am?
I'm superman?

What the f*ck?
Come on.

What came out of that mouth
of yours?

I love you, I love you,
and I love you,

And I love all my roommies.

Are you serious?
Mm.

Say thanks, angelina.
Whoo!

All of you ready?

What the f*ck are you
eating right now?

Ready for what, sweetheart?
Food.

Oh, you want some food?
I got food.

Well, snickers,
she didn't waste any time

Grabbing up and playing
ring-around-the-rosy.

She was having a good old time.
You all right?

Yo, ronnie, want to
help me out, dude?

[Laughter]

Ooh, jeez, it was like
a horror movie for a sec.

[Snickers]

Snickers is, like,
creeping me out

Because this girl just met us,

And already she's having
major issues.

Like, how am I gonna last all
summer long with this person?

She went from, like,
stupid to, like, incoherent.

f*cking... I get f*cked over
by a jersey guy.

All right, so let's
go upstairs and hang out.

You don't understand
how I feel,

How I f*cking feel about
all this sh*t.

Come on, boys, girls.

We are here to, like,
blow this place apart.

We need to let loose,
but snooki pretty much

Was miss drama queen
the whole night.

To the rest of the summer.

Yes, and to being
good-looking.

Have a good time.
And good times.

Good-looking people,
what's up?

This is just, like,
totally weird for me

Because I love being
center of attention,

And I feel, like, being here,
like I'm not.

This is so not fair at all.

Cannonball!
The bridge is out!

Can we get a chick in here?

Wait, wait,
what's the magic word?

Please, your highness.

Oh, sh*t.

Is that wettable?

And then snickers joins us
in the hot tub,

And that's when the party
started.

Yo, can you get
that sh*t wet?

Look, look, look, angelina.

Look, look at the jacuzzi
right now.

Snooki's wearing a bra
and a leopard thong

Into the hot tub with four
testosterone-ridden guidos.

What is she thinking?

[Laughter]

Hey, yo, bartender!

Oh, I want to see that.
Oh.

I would not be able
to do that.

What is she doing, this girl?

How do you go in a f*cking
jacuzzi with a thong and a bra?

Wear a thong bikini.

That's a little bit
more classier

If you're gonna wear
anything at all,

You know what I mean?

[Chatter]

Oh!
All: oh!

Ooh, yeah.

There you go.
Give me a kiss.

Come on, boo,
give me a kiss.

Nicole is, in fact, tipsy.

She's ended up being, like,
all over everybody.

Let me see your sunglasses.
No, no, no.

Oh, my god.
Only god can touch these.

[Whines]

Take your glasses off, please.

I want to see your eyeballs.

I'm thinking,
is this girl serious?

Like, are you crazy?

[Laughter]

Gettin' it in!
[Laughs]

That's like a turnoff
when a girl acts kind of sloppy.

She, like, wanted a lap dance
from me at one point.

She's nuts.

Vinny!

[Screams]

Snooki ends up passing out
somewhere in a corner,

And the rest of us go out
to check out

Our new surroundings
in seaside.

We're going for a walk.
Yeah, I'll follow.

Hey, big pimp,
you coming, right?

Let's roll.
Which way you wanna go?

Yo, yo, let's play a game.
Let's play a game.

Oh, what is this?

It's all
in the finger tips, bro.

All: oh!

All right, let's play
another game,

Let's play another game.

Where the f*ck
did everyone go?

[Telephone quacking]

Why the f*ck
is that thing quacking?

That's really weird.

[Quacking]

Like, shut the f*ck up.

What kind of person gets
a duck phone to talk on?

[Buttons beeping]

[Telephone dialing]

Hello?
Hi, it's me.

[Line beeping]

Hello?

Hello.

Hi, I'm sorry.
We got disconnected.

Daddy?
Yeah.

Hold on. Hi.
Who is this?

Nicole.
Who the f*ck is this?

It's nicole!
Uh, no, it's not.

[Dial tone]
hello?

What is wrong with this
stupid phone sh*t?

Hello?
Hey, is jenny there?

Who?
Jenny.

Hold on.
[Telephone quacking]

Oh! Why is it quacking?

[Fake whimpers]

[Quacking continues]

It's really weird.

[Quacking stops]

[Quacking continues]
oh, my god!

Call me sammi sweetheart.

Just observing,
just observing?

All right.

I definitely think that

Mike is gonna try to
hook up with sammi.

What happened?
I don't get it.

I just really don't get it.

Mr. Personality
over here.

To all of those haters,
I'm like, what, haters?

I'm like, haters before.

I definitely think mike
likes sammi 100%.

I think he's definitely
feeling it.

Oh, my god, bro.

Oh, my god!
What's going on, bro?

I really have no idea
how that happened

Or who grabbed who,
but, you know,

It looked like there was
some sort of connection.

[Telephone quacking]

Hello.
Hi.

All right, who are you
looking for again?

Jenny.

Who is this?
Her boyfriend.

Can you hold on still?

Yeah. Are you gonna
hang up again?

No, I'm not gonna hang up.
Yeah, no problem.

All right.
Where is everyone?

[Line beeps, dial tone]

We're here
for a whole creepy month,

We might as well get
all f*cking freaky and wild.

Where the f*ck
did everyone go?

Whoo!
Where'd you go?

For a walk.
We went for a walk.

Oh, god.

We get back to the house,
and I see snooki awake,

And I'm thinking,
how is this girl alive

After what she did tonight?

Mine?

Your what?
Oh, wait, wait.

Your what?
[Laughing] oh.

"My boyfriend."

What happened
with her boyfriend?

J-woww, you never mentioned
you had a boyfriend

The whole night.

What a shady b*tch.

[Chuckles]

Are you kidding me?

You got hot guys
in this house.

I'll help you forget
about your boyfriend.

And the truth comes out.

Why, we're missing someone?
Yeah.

I can't believe
she didn't show up.

Nicole, I'd already
like to speak to you.

f*ck.
I'm definitely fired.

Bye.
Two, three.

[Gasps]

Oh, my god, maybe he's not
who I think he is.

I feel like a*s.

Really.
[Laughs]

Nice.

When I woke up, I was like,
what did I do last night?

Like, what did I do?

I f*cked up.
Like, story of my life.

Can you hold my hair?
I gotta throw up.

Oh, no, I can't do this.
I'll get sick.

You gotta get to work.
So do what you got to do.

Who wants to hold her hair
while she throws up?

Are you serious?

This is why we had to leave
early 'cause, like,

b*tches puking and sh*t.

We're in the house, about to
leave for orientation,

And nicole is puking
in the bathroom somewhere.

[Retching]

We're gonna be late.
That's not my problem.

Yeah, I ain't trying to get
fired from my first day.

I can't be responsible
for grown women

Who know about
their work schedule.

I'm no one's parent.

All right, let's go.

[Laughter]

[Retching]

Ready for work, kid?
I'm ready for work.

So today's our orientation
for our t-shirt store,

And a first impression
with a boss is very important.

I like that attitude.
We didn't want to be late.

Why, we're missing someone?
Yeah.

I can't believe
she didn't show up.

Danny said, if you come late,
you will get fired.

And what does snickers do?
She comes late.

[Whines]

Where the hell's
the t-shirt shop?

Is this it?
Oh, my god.

Like, I swear to god,
I'm definitely fired.

I just feel like,
like, "f*ck it."

Is this it?

Nicole.

I'd already
like to speak to you.

Not the way I want to start
our first relationship, but...

Okay.
I'll talk to you outside.

f*ck.

You know, I don't know

What your excuse was
or nothing like that,

But it's so important
to stay on time.

Right, I understand.

Seven other people
could show up,

I don't see why you
couldn't show up.

I was in the bathroom.

Yeah, the bathroom,
these things won't buy.

Today's a slide day.
But after this, it counts.

All right?
I apologize. I'm sorry.

And I'll see you tomorrow
or the next day.

All right, thanks.
Bye.

The boss yelled at me.
Like, hello, it's my first day.

It's my first impression.

Like, I'm f*cking up with
everybody, and that's not me.

Hey.

What happened?
You start any trouble?

What is wrong?
Like, what did I do?

You showed up late.

No, about, like,
what's going on here.

Why is everyone acting weird
towards me?

No, no, we're not. Chill.
Come on.

No, seriously.

It's like, what,
were you sick?

'Cause, honestly,
we were ready to go.

Like, what were you doing?

I was in the bathroom.
I'm not mad about that...

'Cause I thought you were,
like, vomiting your brains out.

I don't want
your pukey breath on me.

No, I brushed my teeth.
That's fine.

I just don't want
pukey breath on me.

Honestly, like,
snookie, just...

I don't want anything
to do with her.

I don't have time for, like,
stupid b*mbos.

This is you right here.
Oh.

You're gonna hold that.

You know, everyone's already
cool with themselves

Because, you know, no one
f*cked up the first night,

So they're all, like, you know,
connected right now.

Me, I'm on the outcast.

Does anybody know
how to peel garlic?

Pauly, do you know
how to do garlic?

No idea.

Sammi's definitely
the cutest girl in the house.

And there's definitely
a big possibility

Of me and sam hooking up.

This is gonna become
a lot of food, dude.

Oh, this is good.

You're a good girl,
helping out in the kitchen.

That's wifey material.

Yeah, it's good material
right there.

You tell me exactly
what to do.

It's up to you.
What do you think?

You tell me.

Mike has been amazing.

I feel like we just
feed off each other.

Like, everything's cool.

It's all right.

You don't have to make 'em
too small

Because they'll
probably shrink.

Girls are supposed to cook,

And the guys are supposed to
eat, you know what I mean?

That's how it is.
But mike did his thing.

He cooked us, like,
sausage and peppers.

We had chicken, some salad,

And we all sat down, like, at
the dinner table like a family.

Yo, grab these broads upstairs.

We're eating.

Situation sits at the head
of the house.

Grace... Y'all say grace?
Yeah.

Let's go.
I'm being serious.

So we decide to say a prayer

Like any traditional italian
family would.

Dear god...

[Laughter]

No, please go.
I'm going.

Go ahead.
Going home.

[Laughter]

If you're gonna do grace,
do it right.

It pissed me off
that vinny was laughing.

He was making
other people laugh.

Don't make a joke
out of grace.

Thank you
for this experience.

Never mind.

What is wrong with you?

I feel embarrassed.
I feel stupid.

And everyone has this
wrong impression of me.

So it's like, okay,
I need to say something.

I want to apologize
to all of you

If I acted like
a f*cking as*h*le last night,

If I offended you, or if you
got the wrong impression of me.

I'm honestly
like the sweetest girl.

I get along with everybody.

You know, I just want to
have fun.

Amen.
Amen.

I appreciate that.

If you had to take care of me

And you didn't want to,
thank you.

Yay!
'Cause I'm laid-back and...

Mwah.

All right, all right.

All: salut.

Guys, salut.

All right, let's dig in,
boys, girls.

Whoo!

Oh, my god.

I had so much respect till I
watched them with those girls.

Both: close the door.
b*tches.

These wh*res are gonna get it.

Um, hello, they're taking
their underwear off

In the f*cking jacuzzi.

Are you dumb?

You coming out, though,
to chill?

What's up?

[Whistling]

Whoever will bite.

We want to go fishing
'cause we're up so high

Under the boardwalk with all
the girls are like fish,

And we said
we'd throw out a line

And see if we can sink it.

[Whistling]
yo!

Both: hey!

What up?
What's up?

Come here.
Where's you going?

You gotta come around front.

All you gotta do
is walk down the street.

We'll meet you at the street.
You want to do this?

You guys want to do this?
There's nothing else to do.

Come on, son.
I got the one in the green.

She's talking to me.
Yo, meet us on our street.

You gotta come, though.
All right, let's go.

Yo, our girls
are gonna get heated,

Our girls are gonna
get heated.

I don't sh*t where I sleep.

Neither do i.
Rule number two, my man.

You two might as well
practice safe sex

'Cause you both
f*cked yourselves.

Mike has been vibing with sam


On the boardwalk.

Dude, you can't bring a girl
into this house

When you're vibing
with a chick.

Like, that's just gonna cause
massive amounts of problems.

You guys going
in the jacuzzi or no?

Oh, that's fine.

Let's go, let's go,
let's go.

Three girls,
semi-decent-looking,

And I'm, like,
thinking to myself,

This is gonna be
a great summer.

Come on. Come up in here.

Oh, my god.

Yes. Yes.

Are you gonna go out there?
What are you gonna do?

Probably go up there
just to see what goes on.

Me and sam heard the boys
are in the hot tub

With these three wh*re bags.

Ronnie.
Ronnie bin.

Let's go upstairs
and just laugh.

I told 'em "don't come
upstairs" from the beginning.

Come on, if they bring
three dudes back,

Am I gonna go up there
and watch you guys

Make out with each other?

Like, there's nothing right
about that situation.

There's nothing you can say
to make yourself look good.

Yes!

They were definitely
cool chicks.

They definitely
liked to have fun.

You know, some of the girls
in the house, you know,

Didn't even
get in our jacuzzi.

If you girls go up there,
it's gonna cause, like, tension.

Let 'em do their thing.

Honestly, it's not gonna
cause any tension.

There's nothing to, like,
worry about.

I'm not causing problems.

You're bringing home trashy
skanks into, like, my house.

We're, like, adults.

Like, I feel like we can do
whatever we want.

Whoa, whoa.

Whoo!

Oh, my god.

Yes, that's the wild one
right there.

They're in, like,
their bras.

This is so funny.
I think this is hilarious.

Whoo!

That's only your bra.

[Overlapping chatter]

My bra's off.
I'll hold that.

I had so much respect
for the boys

Until I watched, like, them
in the jacuzzi with those girls.

I didn't think they were
gonna be those

Typical jersey wh*re guys.

Ronnie, get over here.
Ronnie, get over here.

Ronnie, we need you.
You got to get over here.

I'm good on that game.

He's like, "I'm not
playing this game."

That's his line.

Oh, this is not a game.
This is real life.

See, that's how we know
we're classy girls,

Because we've been living
in the house with these guys

For two days, and we haven't
even done anything.

If you don't do it-
'cause if not, the game's over.

Sammi and angelina,
they were just mad.

You know, on stalker mode.

And then you got angelina,
you know, you're like,

"I told you so.
I told you so.

I told you about him."

Mike definitely likes you.

I think he does.

Your turn.

[Cheers]

[Gasps]

Oh, my god, no, no, no, no.

Your turn.

Can we, like, literally
filter that sh*t?

Because I'm gonna gross
myself out right now.

Ugh. How do you do that?

How do you meet a guy and take
off your underwear and your bra?

I would never do that.

Ah, [bleep].
That was awesome.

Congratulations.
Bottom of three naked chicks.

She has to kiss my man
right there.

I hope there's no girlfriend
in the picture.

There's no girl.
Yeah, you have a girlfriend?

It's very weird between
me and sam.

She's staring at me
and looking at me.

And I was just like, you know,
I can't even do this right now.

He's gonna do it.

Wait, wait,
hold on one second, hold on.

What is he doing?
What is he doing?

Ah, he's leaving.
He's scared.

[Groaning]

No, mike,
don't come over here.

Mike, what are you doing?
Who is this guy?

It was just like
the reality of, like,

Oh, my god, maybe he's not
who I think he is.

Mike, you can do whatever
the f*ck you want.

I could have hooked up with
them, but I didn't.

I want you to, like,
do your thing, so go do it.

Really?

Yeah. Don't let me ruin it.
Really?

Don't be shy.
Don't get, like, nervous.

Don't get nervous at all
like I'm, like...

What are you doing?
Come here. Don't run away.

Yeah, we're gonna go inside.

No, don't try to grab
your girl.

You're not the situation.
Like, you're no situation.

Don't bring the girls
in the first place

Then if you like
someone else.

Mike thinks that it's okay
for him to do what he does.

I don't think that's right.

Obviously, sam was, you know,

She was backing off
a little bit.

But, you know what?

The situation's
under control right now.

[Cheers]

One, two, three!

Don't b*tch out.
Do it!

Yeah!
Knock on the door.

Find the boys.

Don't bring dirty girls back.

I didn't bring
any dirty girls back.

Both: close the door.
With you behind it.

b*tches.

Why are you leaving?

How many times
did I already apologize?

Like, if you can't get over it,
then f*ck,

I'm gonna leave.

Whoo! Look what I have.
[Shrieking]

I was in the jacuzzi, and
clothes just started coming off.

So we decided to have
a little fun.

You don't even want to know.

Everybody's underwear
and their bras are off.

You guys want to
come to our house?

Yeah, where is it?
It's like two blocks over.

Yo, you want to go?

I mean, this situation's
gonna be indescribable.

You can't even describe
the situation

That you're about to get into
the situation.

Paul made out
with three girls.

They're only 20.

Oh, my god.
Paul is 28 years old.




That makes it better.

The guys and the girls in the
jacuzzi, it was just horrible.

I watched them
make themselves

Look like typical jerk-offs.

Oh.

He's that guy
that talks about it.

Don't disrespect the girls
and all that.

Like, we're not trying to
grab three d*uche bags

Off the street and bring 'em
in here to be rude to you.

This is the jersey shore.
What do you expect us to do?

Play with each other
the whole time?

I can never go in the jacuzzi
again, I'm gonna throw up.

Underage too, pauly?

Dude, they're 20 years old.

I don't know
what the hell happened.

He's gonna make out with
all three at once, you know.

You're 29 years old.

How are you gonna be 29 years
old, a.k.a. Pauly,

And make out with three


[Gags]

Ugh. Whatever.

Knock on the door.
Find the boys!

See if they're coming!

If we took chicks home from
the club, it's the same [bleep],

So we're gonna deal with that
all f*cking month?

Let us do our thing.
We're trying to party.

You girls don't want to
party with us,

So we're gonna bring girls
to party.

This is summer,

And we want to have fun
and make the best of it.

Open the door.
No, you do it.

Wrong idea.
You can stay out there.

You can do what you got to do,
but wrong idea right now, mama.

Bad idea.

Both: close the door.

With you behind it.

This is our house too.

Don't let it hit you
in the a*s when you're out.

b*tches.

[Door slams]
here we go.

Oh, no.
That is enough.

These wh*res are gonna get it.

Are you stupid, b*tch?

Hello? Don't f*cking slam doors
in this house.

She talks like
a f*cking man.

That's classy? No!
Just get out.

I'm just laying in bed,
and I hear them, like,

Screaming about me.

How many times
did I already apologize?

Like, come on.

If you can't get over it,
then f*ck, I'm gonna leave.

If it's gonna be like this
the whole time...

Please, I'm not ending
my summer like that.

When a girl's that much
of a wh*re, it pisses me off.

And when you're gonna slam
the f*cking door

That I'm living in,
then you have problems.

The boys are gonna hate me

Because I'm gonna keep
f*cking up their game.

I couldn't give a sh*t about
what any of them say about me.

I'm not gonna invite
my boyfriend here

And have him go
in the frigging hot tub with me

And take off his boxers or his
f*cking bathing suit

And f*ck him in it.

How awkward
is that if you guys

Bring guys back to the house,
and I'm gonna watch you guys

In the hot tub,
sit there like creeps?

Like, hey, I'm gonna f*cking
watch your boyfriend

Come up here and watch you
dog each other out?

My point was,
they blocked really bad.

Why you up there watching
my boys

Make out with some girls?

Maybe bring some respectable
girls with class

Into this house, not trash.

So who are you to judge
who's classy or not?

Um, hello,
are you f*cking stupid?

They're taking their underwear
off in the f*cking jacuzzi.

Are you dumb? Hello?

Is that classy? No!
Shut up.

No, there's no reason
to f*cking to shut up.

This is my f*cking house too.

Don't open your mouth then.

I'll f*cking open my mouth

When I want to f*cking open
my mouth.

Like, seriously.

I told them not to
f*cking bring the girls

Into the f*cking house

'Cause I knew
what the f*ck was going on.

You were gonna b*tch,
she was gonna b*tch,

And she was gonna b*tch.

Then don't say,
"I like you, I like you,"

To other girls in the house,
not me.

Honestly, I don't see
what jolie's point was.

My point was

I don't want to mess around
with a girl

In the house.

Like, that's just
gonna cause problems.

Mike, you're the root to
all problems, bro.

I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna
point any fingers.

I'm not gonna point no fingers
right now.

You know, at this
particular point,

I could be screwed right now.

I'm like, you know,
I was vibing with sam,

And then, at the same time,
I was like,

Should I have went for it?

You do whatever
you want to do,

But don't sit there
and say you like her

And then go in a hot tub
with other girls.

That's just not cool.

All right, all right,
but what I want to know is

Why does everybody like to
link me and sam?

We just roommates.
That's what it is right now.

Because your head
is so far up her a*s,

You can see
out her mouth, bro.

That's why.
Honestly, bro.

Like, you guys were
holding hands all night.

You were cuddling.
Like, cut the sh*t, bro.

Like, seriously, like, you
f*cking like her, get over it.

So you're saying it's all me?

You want to like a girl
in the house,

Don't bring dirty girls back.

I didn't bring
any dirty girls back.

Did he put his lips
to another girl?

Sam was looking at me, like,

You know,
what were you doing?

Don't, don't... No.

Did he put his lips
to another girl?

Don't lie to me.

No! No, no, no, no.
I said yes.

Yeah, no, no.

I didn't. I got out.
I got out.

Whatever.

No.

Me and sam were vibing
for a little bit,

But, at the same time,
you never know with people.

You're getting to know
everybody, so...

It's really no sweat
off my back.

I could pretty much have
my choice of pretty much

Anyone down here.

Don't hate the player.
Hate the game, baby.

What happened to snickers?

I don't know.
She's downstairs.

Dad, I know you're sleeping,

But I have to talk
to you right now.

Okay.

Um, I think
I'm gonna leave tomorrow.

I'm being ignored right now.

And I'm not used to that.

I don't know what to do.

And that's why
I want to leave.

You're leaving where?

To come home.

Because, um, basically,
I got wasted the first night,

And I made myself look like
a as*h*le.

I think you're just
starting out there

And you did have a little bit
of a rocky road.

You know, the polizzis
are not quitters.

I've never been away
from my family like this.

I just miss them.

She's like, "ah, yeah,
I think I'm gonna leave.

I think I'm gonna go home."

Well, you do
what you gotta do.

I ain't gonna sit here and
coddle you like a little baby,

Put you in my arms.

Snickers is going home.

What?
Swear to god.

Oh.
No way. Why?

She just said,
"I'm going home."

Get outta here.
What the f*ck?

She's packing up right now
as we speak.

What?
Go look.

Why is she going home?

That's not true.

Then i, like, felt bad
because I felt, like, okay,

Like, maybe we should, you know,
this is the true eight here.

Like, we need you.

Why?

Why are you leaving?

Yeah, we like you,
we want you to stay.

It's just, like, the fact
that I feel like the outcast.

I am never the outcast.
Don't be like that.

This has... Nobody... Everyone's
out of their element.

Yeah, but all of you,
you know each other.

Why would I stay here
in a house

That no one wants to
hang out with me

Or no one wants to
get to know me?

Why am I gonna end my summer

With people that don't even
want me around?

It's the second day.

Like, there's so much more
that we could do.

I know, but this is, like...

This is, like,
the first two days...

If I'm not bonding
with anyone right now,

I'm not gonna at all.

You don't know that.
You're just saying that.

But I've been trying to
talk to all of you,

And it's just, like,
I'm talking to the wall.

And this is, like, the greatest
situation for me, you know.

Like, I love being
around new people.

I love to party.
I love the jersey shore.

It's just, like, I have
this bad feeling in my gut.

And I feel like I need
to go home.