[throaty vibrating chanting]
[man chanting]
-[clunk]
-Master.
Master.
Master. Master!
Master! Master!
Master, we have located
the Han stone.
[panting]
The final key has been located.
It's finally within our grasp.
[KUANG, bass voice] Our grasp?
Do you step above
your station, sl*ve?
[clattering]
I meant your grasp. Yours!
We will get the key for you.
KUANG: The key to my prison.
You will snatch that power
for yourself
and turn me into a puppet.
[laughing]
No, Master. I would never do--
Shh.
Quiet your fearful, simple mind.
No, sl*ve.
I will send my faithful spies
to enter their world and acquire
the Han stone for me.
[squawks] Bwak!
Who else knows of the final key
and its location?
No one, Master,
just as you ordered.
Good, good.
Then you are to be rewarded.
Rewarded with...
fire!
Aah! Aah!
[background noise, whooping]
[mariachi music plays]
-[engine revving]
-[shrill whooping]
[revving]
["surfer" music plays]
There's a party going on.
Look at that chick.
-Whoo-whoo!
-Focus.
-He said to meet him here.
-Yeah.
Outta my path, peasant!
You hear the rat. Move it!
-Hey ya, little friend. Hi.
-[dog snarling]
Hey, I know your father.
Where did you get that hat?
Oh. Off that human. You like it?
You look ridiculous.
-Well, you look ridiculous.
-You look ridiculous.
-No, you do.
-We're undercover.
I'm undercover. You look like--
[dramatic musical sting]
-Rey Cazadores!
-The Bull!
Bienvenidos, my old friends.
How long has it been?
Decades? Centuries?
Una millennia?
All those years hunting
for that treasure.
And now, the prize is so close,
you can almost...
taste it.
-Pollo?
-[gags]
Loco? Ha ha ha ha!
Payment.
As agreed upon.
Torito.
Un momento.
She caused me a lot of trouble,
amigos.
I lost a lotta men getting her.
And...
And I think you should be
a little bit more...
grateful.
Grateful? You dare renege
on the agreement?
You barter with your life, fool?
You threaten me in my own house?
-Hank! Hank!
-Frank! Frank!
You think the master will be
grateful with your betrayal?
She'll reach across worlds
to cause you pain.
Or...
Do you wanna tell her yourself?
I was just joking!
I'm a payaso!
I'm just kidding!
Now, please take it.
Tengan cuidado.
Careful at the border, eh?
That thing is a diabla for sure.
And she has her moods.
If she likes you,
la vida es buena.
Everything's fine.
But if she doesn't like you,
Pollo y Rata,
things will get real bad.
-We got this.
-We got this.
REY:
She's a diablo for sure.
[voice cackling]
[surfer music resumes]
[police sirens blaring]
[indistinct yelling]
-[chiming]
-Uh-oh. Oh...
-Oh, greetings, Master.
-Oh!
Uh, don't worry.
I've procured your treasure.
-So that's good.
-Very procured.
I assure you that
our arrival is imminent.
HANK: Very imminent.
-That's the path, fool!
-I'm on it.
CACTUS JACK:
92.7 The Globe coming at you
from beautiful downtown
Globe, Arizona
with me, Cactus Jack,
and my cohort in crazy,
the Trout!
TROUT: Morning, Cactus. Boy,
oh boy, I am super excited
for the big
homecoming football game.
-CACTUS JACK: Go, Tigers!
-Yeah. Right after
the Tigers' game is the social
event of the year,
Globe Highschool's
Under the Sea Dance.
-But where can I get a tux?
-Well, good news!
The Copper Hen
is running a special
on top-shelf suits
at rock-bottom prices.
Just tell Miss Molly
that Cactus Jack sent ya
for 15% off.
Now, when the needle drops,
it'll be 7:30 a.m.,
so rise and shine Globers,
and don't forget your sunscreen
'cause It's hot outside
[upbeat music plays]
Morning, Dad.
-There ya go.
-Ah.
[inhales]
[radio plays in background]
ANNOUNCER:
WTLZ, Globe, Arizona.
Perfect again, my dear Donna.
I don't know how you drink
that stinky sludge.
It's good for my tender vittles.
It keeps my old chi...
flowing.
You're a brave man, Chuck Lee.
Everybody likes happy.
Nobody likes pain.
But you cannot have a rainbow
without a little rain.
Ancient Chinese saying?
-No. Dolly Parton.
-[laughs]
Is that the eggs or the tea?
Depends. What does it
smell like?
Dead skunk in a sewer pipe.
That would be
your grandfather's tea.
Patsy, I used to drink this
when I was your age,
and look at me now!
You should at least try it.
Yeah. I don't need to
try rat poison
to know I wouldn't like it.
-You're staying for breakfast?
-Sorry, Mom.
As much as I prefer E. coli
over algebra, I'm already late.
Well, I bet your grandfather
could use your help
at the store after school.
I'm too busy, Mom. You know
I have to ace my interview
if I want that scholarship
and get out of this place.
Honey, Globe is not that bad.
-Come on.
-You don't see the cruel irony
of being stuck in a town
called Globe?
Still, it wouldn't k*ll you
to help your grandfather.
Actually, the curio shop
isn't all that busy.
I don't need your help.
See?
Besides, he has Maddy,
so there's no need for me.
Patsy, sweetheart--
[sirens blaring]
You've spoiled her.
You're much too permissive!
Not like my son!
-That was fun.
-[door slams]
I miss you, Charlie.
We all do.
-[surf music playing]
-[sirens wailing]
[ratcheting sound]
-What was that?
-FATHER: What was what?
Nothing, Pop.
Actually, I better get going.
-Hopper.
-Yes, sir?
Don't forget to walk Maddy
to Chuck's today after school.
Seriously?
It's her part-time job.
-Why do I gotta take her there?
-'Cause she's your little sister
and you love her.
Got it, Pop. Love you.
CHEERLEADER: T-I-G
E-R-S!
We are...we are...
T-I-G-E-R-S!
-We are...
-COACH: Do a couple more, Maddy.
All right, Maddy, I need
more drive from the back foot,
all right? Let's do it again.
Get some reps in.
Got it, Coach.
Kid's got a canon.
Right. Goin' to State!
[cheerleaders in background]
Go, Tigers!
[police sirens blaring]
Sorry, Coach.
Work on that aim.
[rock music blasting]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, hey, thanks for coming.
[chuckling, murmuring]
[sirens blaring]
Yeah, right on, brother!
Just gimme the darn food.
-I'll put it on your bill.
-Shut up!
Once again,
I have to liberate us
from your pathetic incompetence.
Oh [mutters].
[muttering]
Ha.
FRANK: Stay still. Stay still!
[engine starts]
[revving]
[click]
[atmospheric Eastern music
plays]
[Chuck singing along]
[continues humming]
Wonderful. Just wonderful.
Thank you, Miss Lorraine.
Ha ha.
Uh, you know, it is legend
that this mask belonged to
Emperor Zhang.
I'll take it. How much?
-It's not for sale.
-Oh. Okay.
That's nice.
CHUCK: Yes. That's a lovely
piece, isn't it?
-Mm.
-It is legend
that the great kung fu master
IP Man wore this.
Oh.
Now, if you...
you were to wear this,
you would gain feather touch.
[gasps] Ooh!
That's lovely.
-I'll take it.
-It's not for sale.
All right.
Oh.
What's this?
Oh, this is nice.
[door clanks open]
Oh--
I'm so sorry!
Ha. Perhaps we better put it
in a safer place.
Here's an item.
Legend has it that Marco Polo
carried one of these
on his Silk Road journey.
It is made by the Sil Lum Monks.
I'll take it.
Wonderful.
Why don't I wrap it up
in some special paper
and deliver it myself,
Miss, uh...
Just Lorraine is fine.
It's friendlier.
I'll be waiting.
-LORRAINE: Bye, Chuck.
-[door clatters]
Didn't you get that from
a garage sale last week?
It's still Chinese.
Also, uh, I have to work
a double shift tonight,
so I was hoping you could
look after Patsy for me.
Oh, she's too busy
with video games
to talk to dear old Grandpa.
What's wrong with
the two of you?
You're either at each other's
throats or not even talking.
She's just too hard-headed.
Oh, she's hard-headed.
She's trying to figure out
who she is, Chuck.
-Who she wants to be.
-She can find out
who she wants to be by working
here in the store with me
just like I did with my father
and Charles,
my...son did when he was
still alive.
All right, I'll...look after
the willful child.
Thank you.
Does that say leopard water?
Yes. Chinese leopard water.
You know, the old people
use it to get rid of dandruff.
How do leopards make water?
We all...make water.
That's a bottle of cat pee.
Chinese leopard cat pee.
You know, old people
do funny things.
Special delivery
for Miss Lorraine.
[giggles] It's friendlier.
[humming]
[phone rings]
-[click]
-CHUCK: Hello there.
Welcome to
the Green Eyed Goddess
-where Lee...
-CHARLES: And son...
CHUCK:...have been bringing you
the mysteries of Asia
for generations.
CHARLES: Leave a message
at the beep.
We'll get back to you
as soon as we can.
CHUCK: Is that it, son?
Are we done?
CHARLES: Yep. Nice job, Dad.
CHUCK: Great!
[dynamic chords play]
[upbeat pop music plays]
MADDY: Patsy.
Hey.
-You coming?
-I wish. I've gotta study.
You know me.
Oh. Could I ask you a question?
What's up?
I was wondering
if you could figure out
who did this to me.
Wow.
[reading] U stink. Idiot.
Eat dirt. Loser. Weak link?
-What?
-Yeah.
So I just thought that
you could use your smarts
to Sherlock it out or whatever.
Scarlett Farkus did this.
-What?
-Mm-hmm.
But she's always so nice to me.
To your face.
Behind your back, she's vicious.
She sits in my math class
and always dots her "I"s
with those little hearts.
see?
Plus, you just beat
her shot put record.
She's jealous.
-You're right.
-SQUIRREL: Hey!
Hey, Patsy, Maddy.
You guys going to the dance?
-[gasps]
-[Squirrel whimpering]
I am going to straight up
-murdalize you, rodent!
-Actually, it's not a rodent.
It's Squirrel, because
my last name's Squanowksi.
But squirrels are rodents.
-I'm--
-Too late, rodent.
She said she's sorry, Farkus.
Please just accept her apology
and leave her alone, okay?
And why would I do that,
Patsy Cakes?
Because...
everyone knows
you could beat up Squirrel
with one arm
tied behind your back.
-Well, you got that right.
-She's so little,
you could pound her
into the ground with one punch.
Mm-hmm.
So please don't hit Squirrel.
Hit me instead.
What?
Just hit me.
[suspenseful music plays]
FRANK: What did you do now?
Oh, it's all blinking!
You think I won't smack you?
Is that what you think?
Oh! Quit your shenanigans!
It's not me. It's your junker.
-It's a classic.
-It's a classic junker.
Oh, the metal beast must thirst!
-You think I won't mess you up?
-What I think--
You think that I'm gonna
let you give me orders?
What I think, Farkus, is that
you're gonna tell everyone
you're letting me off
with a warning,
or we both know you'll be
going to military school.
What? H-how could you--
You've got, what,
seven pink demerit slips
sticking out of your backpack?
That's an automatic expulsion.
I'm guessing your parents
don't know you've been
counterfeiting those signatures.
Then the only option left
for you is military school
where your sister
will beat you up every day.
So we both know you don't have
time to waste with me. Deal?
Deal.
For now.
I'm gonna let her off
with a warning.
This time.
Let's go.
PATSY: You okay, Squirrel?
Yeah. Thanks.
-Are you okay, Patsy?
-Hey, Maddy, come on.
Dad says I gotta walk you
to your stupid job.
What would I do without
my big brother?
Your knight in shining armor.
Perfect timing.
Whatever, nerd. Come on, Mads,
grab your bike. Let's go.
-Ow!
-Hey!
Watch where you're going,
you adolescent worm.
Worm? Where?
Relax, man. You ran into me.
Listen to me, meat sack,
I pick turds outta my teeth
bigger than you.
-HOPPER: Relax, man.
-Oh, oh, oh, retreat, retreat!
-The castle guard approaches!
-Oh, my apologies. Our mistake.
-Beautiful boy. Wonderful boy.
-Wonderful.
-Toodles!
-Oof!
What a freak.
Did he say he eats turds?
Right?
-What is that?
-HOPPER: Later, nerd.
SQUIRREL: Come on, Pats.
Ice cream at Connie's.
My treat.
Bye, girls.
-Bye, Connie.
-Bye, Connie.
Thanks.
Yeah. Least I can do after you
going all Batman on Farkus.
Not that I could have
handled her myself.
-No way.
-Totally no way.
So...how'd you do that?
Weren't you scared?
Yeah. She's a scary person.
Then how?
I don't know.
Guess I'm just tired
of being afraid.
Nothing's gonna change
unless I change it, right?
Sounds like something
your dad would say.
Yeah. It does.
Is that why you're doing
all this crazy studying
and college stuff?
I just wanna make him proud.
Well, I'll come visit you
at your fancy college.
You can crash my dorm anytime.
PATSY: I don't care
who he's taking to the dance.
SQUIRREL: You know you like him.
-Hey, girls.
-I don't.
-Hi, Ms. Lee.
-You are just in time.
I'm headed off to a night shift,
but Grandpa will be babysitting.
Babysitting?
I can take care of myself.
And I worry.
So humor your poor mother.
Patsy, college mail.
Holy cats!
I can't. I'm too nervous.
Uh, me too.
I'll do it. Yep.
"Dear Patsy Lee,
"I am very sorry to inform you
"that we are unable
to offer you admission
"to Stanford University.
"Please know that this decision
"in no way diminishes
your application.
We were very impressed
by your talents, and--"
Honey, there are
plenty of other schools--
Mom.
It's whatever.
-[door slams]
-I feel like the worst mom ever,
-but I have got to get to work.
-Don't worry, Ms. Lee.
I'll take care of her.
You're a lifesaver, Squirrel.
Thank you.
I owe you a pizza party, okay?
[door opens, closes]
[strumming quiet notes]
[door opens, closes]
Hey, Pats.
-You okay?
-[sniffles]
Yeah. I'm fine.
Look. I should probably
get back to studying.
No.
This is the perfect lighting,
all dark and mysterious.
The best set-up for checking out
my brand-new video game.
Straight-up bootlegged
from the motherland.
"The Last Starfighter!"
Seriously? You saw that letter.
If I don't raise my test scores,
I'm stuck here forever.
Well, that's a little dramatic.
But, yes, you didn't get in.
This time.
That just means we have to
work on those test scores.
-We?
-[huffs]
Yeah, we.
But right now,
we have to protect the frontier
from Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada.
[game sounds begin]
Does look like
a pretty rocking good time.
There she is.
Okay. But only for half an hour,
then it's back to the books.
Sure, sure, whatever.
Like the next 30 minutes
is gonna change your life.
-[thud]
-Okay.
Let me show you something
called the death bloom, right?
-Right.
-So go like this.
-Boom.
-Did I just k*ll you?
Well, that's all of it.
She was thirsty.
Satisfied?
-Proceed.
-Proceed.
Oh.
-Idiot.
-What?
-What have you done with it?
-Done with what?
The box, birdbrain.
I didn't have the box.
You had the box.
Oh...the child.
-What child?
-The thieving child
who jostled me--
he must have taken it!
-The thieving child?
-The thieving child.
With the checkered shirt,
the blue jeans,
the floppy, sun-kissed hair.
You got a great memory.
That thieving child!
-Oh!
-Ohh!
[grunting]
There's a little latch there.
It's Italian. It's a classic.
Come on...death blossom.
Death blossom.
-Uh-huh. Not so fast.
-No, no, no, no.
No, I got it, I got it,
I got this, I got this one.
Come on!
Oh, I had Zando-Zan
in my crosshairs.
Sure.
I-I did.
-Hold on.
-You know, it could be
-one of the fuses in the house.
-What is that?
You know it's a pretty old
house, right?
You know, one time I actually
looked at one with my dad,
and it zapped me
through my braces,
and then all my hair stood up
-and it was crazy.
-Whoa!
This is cool.
PATSY: I guess we open it.
It looks like pirate stuff.
In Globe?
Tss. Desert pirates.
This is super cool.
-[soft clunking]
-Whoa.
I think there's something
inside.
But it won't open.
Check out those weird scribbles
around the sides.
A-are those letters?
PATSY: I don't think so.
This looks like...
a chop.
A what?
A chop. It's like a stamp
people use
instead of writing
their signatures.
They use them in China.
My dad showed me.
So...how do they work?
Grab one of my mom's lipsticks
from the bathroom.
Okay.
Okay.
I got Witch's Wine, Raptor Red,
-and, uh, Redrum.
-Redrum.
I think the stars
are like a printing guide.
-Mm-hmm.
-There. Watch this.
-Hmm?
-Hmm.
Okay.
Now, we have to match
the stars on each side
every time we press down.
-All right, this way.
-Okay.
Make sure that
all four sides match up.
It looks really familiar.
[suspenseful music plays]
SQUIRREL: Whoa. What is that?
PATSY: It's Chinese.
Those are Chinese characters.
It's a message.
Secret message?
-In Chinese?
-Mm-hmm.
Wow.
If only we knew someone
who could read Chinese.
Please, I-I told you
I don't have it.
FRANK: Give us the box,
or learn how to fly!
I swear, I don't have it!
HANK: Oh, well,
what about the others?
Ha ha. The others.
Yes, this one has a litter mate.
-Who?
-His sister.
Oh, they share a nest.
Leave my sister alone.
Now, why would I do that,
meat sack?
Yeah, meat sack.
Look, I'll help you get
what you want.
Just leave her alone.
-Ooh!
-We have an accord.
Yes, Maddy, it has to be
like this
so it gives balance,
a stronger feng shui.
-Feng shui.
-That's right.
SQUIRREL: Guys, guys, guys,
wait, wait, oh, oh, sh**t.
Come here. Uncle Chuck!
Uncle Chuck!
-Hey, guys.
-Uncle Chuck, we found something
-you need to see.
-We found a message.
-A secret message.
-But it's in Chinese.
Oh, well, if it's in Chinese,
I'll keep it a secret
like my stinking tea.
Please, Grandpa? Come on.
Fine, I'll try your herbs.
Deal.
Where did you get this?
Off this box we found.
What does it say?
"Mirrors of shadow,
"their guiding lights
make lupine lords
"their acolytes.
"Two pale ladies adrift at sea.
"Reflected beauty
will be the key.
"Unlock the past
and set it free."
So sounds like a riddle.
Maybe that's how
we open this box,
but what does it mean?
It's written in ancient Chinese,
the original Oracle Bone script,
used in the Shang Dynasty
by the...
royal priests.
Cool!
Let me see that box again.
It looks so familiar.
I better check.
It's very important.
Ancient?
-Oracle script?
-That's like 5,000 years old.
be careful.
Where is it?
I know I saw it here somewhere.
So...where'd you find it?
-It's cool, right?
-On the grass outside school.
Right after that weird guy
bumped into Hopper.
[breathless chuckling]
Of course!
After all these years!
Oh!
[phone rings]
-[click]
-Green Eyed Goddess.
-How can I help you?
-HOPPER: Maddy, is Patsy there?
Hopper?
Yeah. She's right beside me.
You'll never guess
what we just found.
FRANK: We have your brother
as c*ptive.
If you want him back alive,
you'll return what you stole,
-meat sacks.
-Meat sacks?
That sounds like the turd eater.
FRANK: Meet us at the cemetery
at sundown
-by the Chinese mausoleum.
-[Hank squawks]
FRANK: Bring the box
and tell no one.
Come immediately
or your brother will be
-but an ugly memory.
[click, dial tone]
Let's go!
[door closes]
CHUCK: Girls!
The legends are true!
PATSY: It's this way.
Hurry!
Hurry up, bird.
Hey, you can't rush an art form.
HOPPER: Smells like dog crap.
It's over here!
That's far enough!
-We've got the box.
-Just don't hurt my brother.
I don't want the boy.
I want the box.
You promise you'll let him go
if we give you this box?
Okay, congrats.
You got your box.
Can we all stop knowing
each other now?
Enjoy your world while it lasts,
meat sack.
You're short.
Oh, Captain Obvious.
FRANK: Hank!
[Hank crowing]
The master's gonna be
so happy with us.
Oh, mission accomplished.
-Are you okay?
-Yeah, I'm fine.
-Let's just get outta here.
-You're welcome?
Should we call the cops
or something?
Yeah. Those guys need
some jail time.
Aaaaaah!
[continues screaming]
[percussive music plays]
-Hmm?
-You know this guy?
Waaah!
Wah! [yelling in Chinese]
Uncle Chuck?
Heads up!
Ha ha ha!
Oh--ooh!
Ooh! I got the box.
Ooh, he's got the box.
Oh, they've got the box!
Frank, I need some help!
Don't lose the box!
[overlapping shouting]
Aah!
Wha--
Aah!
[indistinct shouting]
Aah!
Ohh...
cursed ugly whelps.
-They got the box.
-It went through the portal!
Go, go!
-Retreat!
-Go!
...hours are over.
Cemetery hours are over.
Go home.
[voice fades]
Hopper?
Guys?
Where are y'all?
HOPPER: What was that?
I think my face hurts.
Did we just fall through
solid rock?
-How can that happen?
-The legends are true!
There's gotta be like a fault
line or a hidden passage.
Or maybe a gas line ruptured
and we could be having
hallucinations.
My head hurts.
Does anyone else's head hurt?
Gas lines are pure methane.
Farts with the power to k*ll.
Like what magicians use when
they make their great escape.
Why?
Like Pandora's Box,
this was supposed to be legend!
I need some air.
-There's air everywhere.
-But don't you see? It's real!
The ancient scrolls
told how it was the savior
or destruction of all mankind.
What are you talking about?
Guys?
Hey, guys.
I could not let this
fall into the wrong hands.
I had to fight those two g*ons!
-Hey, you guys!
-What?
What could be so important
that you have to interrupt?
So what are we gonna do now?
-Oh, my...
-Yeah.
[intense music plays]
MAGGY: What do I do?
What do I do?
The book!
There's gotta be something here
that can tell me what happened.
How do I fix this?
How do I save them?
How do I save my brother?
But I can't read Chinese!
Wait.
Okay. I can do this.
[inhales, exhales]
I can do this.
996,
997,
998--
-Do you mind?
-Sorry.
I'm just freaking out a little
bit, okay?
Well, can you freak out
and not do that
so I can figure out a way home?
I need to think.
Think? This isn't algebra,
Patsy.
It's not on your midterms.
-This is...magic.
-Yes!
Ancient Chinese magic.
I recognize this box. Ha ha.
Legend tells
it held a powerful weapon,
a gift from Erlang Shen,
nephew of the Jade Emperor
himself.
-Good?
SQUIRREL: Is anyone else hungry?
Okay, so if we came through
this thing,
then we can go back through it,
right?
I mean, that makes sense.
But how does it work?
You realize we are here
for a reason.
Part of the flow of the chi
of the universe.
Hey, are those raspberries?
I think those are raspberries!
HOPPER: Raspberries?
This isn't a farmer's market.
Those could be poisonous
or eat your head off--
you don't know!
Oh!
It's like magic.
That's the problem.
It's all magic.
Yes. The legends are true!
PATSY: Be careful.
We don't know what those are.
Don't be silly.
They're just butterflies.
Not my butterflies.
It's like a-it's like
a Disney movie.
I'm a princess!
I don't think
that's a good idea.
Ha ha. It tickles.
[laughing]
[loud buzzing]
Not a princess. Not a princess!
Not good. Not good at all.
Guys, help!
-[buzzing increases]
-Stop! Guys, help!
I'm not a Disney princess,
not a Disney princess,
not a Disney princes!
[intense music plays]
Greetings, travelers.
You should be more cautious
around the quoon do.
It's their courting season,
and the males are ravenous.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I am a trader of goods
by profession.
My name is
[long Chinese name]
But my friends call me Joe.
So you're a trader named Joe?
At your service.
So it's Trader Joe.
Indeed! Ha ha ha.
Seriously?
Night is falling.
The two sisters are starting
their climb across the heavens.
Be my guests this evening.
-Well, we'd be honored.
-Then it's decided.
Follow me.
It's Trader Joe.
Pigu, we have guests!
Ha ha. That's a lovely wagon
you have, Trader Joe.
But, um, uh...
I don't think
we'll all fit in there.
Ha ha. Of course not!
We'll stay in my tent.
HOPPER: Oh. Great.
I'm sure that'll be much bigger.
[whimsical music plays]
There we go!
-SQUIRREL: I love camping.
-Excuse me!
HOPPER: Dude, did he just--
[Trader Joe humming]
Ha ha ah...
Ah, perfect!
Ah. A little further.
Uh...
Come, come.
[chuckling]
[Hopper laughs]
PATSY: Is this real?
TRADER JOE: Welcome, my friends,
to my humble abode.
You are my honored guests.
[kids murmuring, oohing]
-SQUIRREL: That's soft.
-[laughter]
Please, my friends, please,
make yourself comfortable
and relax.
Oh!
You are so generous, Trader.
As custom, a gift for
the family patriarch.
Oh, I couldn't possibly.
I insist. It would be an insult
not to accept.
Oh, oh, I wouldn't want
to insult you.
Oh, it's beautiful.
You'll look sharp, Uncle Chuck,
real sharp.
It's the least I can do
for you travelers
from distant lands.
And I'd love to hear all about
your adventure,
but first, you must be starving!
Yes.
Then you are in for a treat.
PATSY: Whoa!
SQUIRREL: Crazy!
JOE: Yes, indeed.
This is my grandmother's
secret recipe, baozi.
Baozi?
Yes, yes, baozi.
It's a steamed Chinese dough.
Yes! And so much more.
Prepare to be spoiled!
It smells so good.
I didn't know I could be
this hungry.
Looks delicious.
Dig in!
You are too kind.
Ai yah! I forgot the sauce.
HOPPER: I'll just fill up
on sauce.
Please, after you.
Mmm.
-I think I love your grandma.
-Mm. Mm. Mm-hmm.
FRANK: We can still cross
the threshold,
capture the bandits,
and deliver the treasure
to our master
before he uncovers your blunder.
Oh, no, we can't.
What? What?
-What are you going on about?
-Hei gou fn.
It's all gone.
-What?
-Oh!
-What?
-Oh! Whoa!
Where are we gonna find
the dung of a black dog...
at this hour?
Ow.
Relax and enjoy, hmm?
Is there anything else you need?
Where are we?
Good. Let's answer that.
You are in the Kingdom Penglai
ruled by the wizard Lord Kuang.
There are four other kingdoms,
each their own magic worlds.
Your world is one of
many worlds.
Do you think Lord Kuang
can help get us home?
Lord Kuang's castle
is easy to see.
You will find the fortress
atop the mountain
beneath the twin moons.
That sounds like our guy.
Mm-hmm. So what brings you
to our kingdom?
Something to do
with this box we found.
Mm, ah, so nice!
I'll trade you, hmm?
Thanks, but we should
probably hold onto this
-until we find a way home.
-Yes, yes.
Of course.
-Mm-hmm.
-Wait.
How did you make
all of that happen?
Those are simple spells.
Here, you try.
But I don't know how to
read or write Chinese.
Magic is simple.
Draw from your heart.
Okay.
Is this okay?
TRADER JOE: [laughing] Well...
let's see how you fare.
Ooh. Oh, magic comes
natural for you.
-It's a kitty!
-[meowing]
[yawning]
You are all my guests,
and tomorrow,
we will find the castle.
Thank you.
Night, Squirrel.
Night, Patsy.
Night, Uncle Chuck.
Night, Hopper.
Night, Hopper.
-[laughs] Night, Grandpa.
-[Chuck snores]
[muttering]
[video game sounds]
HANK: Bwak! Bwak, bwak bwak.
Go on, git, you foul critters!
Coming in here
looking for dog poop?
What kinda place
you think I'm running here?
-[tires screeching]
-Daggum hippies!
W-wei?
Wei-wei shen--
[phone rings]
Green Eyed Goddess.
How can I help you?
-DONNA: Maddy?
-Mrs. Lee?
-[school band plays]
-Sorry, honey.
The crowd is going nuts.
You know these home games.
-Yeah. Go, Tigers.
-Listen, it looks like
I'm gonna be
a little late tonight.
I'm calling to make sure
those two are doing okay.
-Are they there?
-Yeah, they're all doing great.
-Right, Uncle Chuck?
-[click]
CHUCK: Great!
Okay, uh, listen, honey,
I gotta run.
Duty calls.
But give Patsy my love,
-and you two have fun, okay?
-Lotsa fun.
All right, bye.
[exhales]
It's okay. I can do this.
Wei shen.
[all snoring]
[Trader Joe muttering]
Shh.
Yes. Okay.
There it is. There it is.
Ah!
[gasps]
Oh, my...
oh--oh!
Aah! Aah!
Aah! [panting]
[blowing on hands]
Mighty Lord Kuang,
I have what you seek.
But it is protected,
so please send your soldiers.
At dawn.
Make yourself scarce
if you want to collect
your reward.
Mark the prize!
[Trader Joe laughs]
The master's gonna eat your soul
when he learns
of your incompetence!
HANK: Gonna eat you first,
fat rat.
-No, no, no, no, chicken!
-Oh!
Oh, got stuck with a chicken!
Ratatouille.
-No, chicken.
-Ratatouille.
Kung pao chicken!
Oh...
Oh!
Oh!
Hei gou fn?
-Hmm? You guys did the hog?
-[rock music plays]
HANK: Hei gou fn?
Uh...what now?
Hei gou fn?
Uh, Chinese, right?
-Mm!
-Mm!
Green Eyed Goddess.
About a mile that way.
Uncle Chuck's got
a funky collection.
He'll have what
you're looking for.
FRANK: Yes, yes, yes!
-Ahem.
-Oh, no!
-Pay the pig.
-Argh!
Ha ha ha. Kurt's lucky day.
All in the reflexes.
[end rock chords]
[rhythmic clicking]
FRANK: Mm, yeah, this is
definitely the place.
Definitely the place.
Green Eyed Goddess,
they call it.
-[hinges squeaking]
-[bell dinging]
HANK: Hello!
Heard you might have
some dog poop here?
Of the ebony kind?
[uneasy music plays]
Hello?
Come out.
[wood squeaks]
Ha ha!
Oh, that is a vintage year!
Ooh!
[soft squeaking sounds]
[sniffing]
And Bingo was his name-o.
Hmm?
Oh! Hei gou fn?
Hey, how'd you know
the dog's name?
What?
Yah--ah!
Hey! Haven't seen one of these
games since I was a gelfling.
Whaddaya say, pal?
Hmm? Just one match.
We have no time
for a children's game.
How about this? Put a little
leopard on your lips?
-You rascal.
-Ha ha ha.
Where did you find
this golden mead?
Oh, this place is full
of surprises.
Hey, for a rat, you're really
hogging the cat pee.
[squeaking]
Ooh!
Ah...
[both chuckling]
Expect no quarters given
-and a thorough trouncing.
-Okay.
KUANG: Welcome, Trader.
You have come to collect
your reward?
Yes, Lord Kuang,
for I have found the key
to your happiness.
You mean the key to my prison.
Stuck here
for the last thousand years
while my true destiny
is conquering
the five kingdoms.
One tiny artifact
is all that stands between me
and ultimate power.
Mm, gold.
And then I'll be god of pain
and mercy.
You are generous beyond measure,
Lord Kuang.
It's your move.
Don't be such a chicken.
Hey! I'm not gonna walk
into a trap, you rat.
Um...okay.
-Boom.
-Ha.
-I knew you were gonna do that.
-What?
-Yah!
-Oh! That's ill*gal!
-HANK: Oh...
-We're playing Morlock rules.
I brought piz...za.
Mrs. Lee!
-Demon!
-Oh!
Maddy, what's going on?
-Um...
-[tires screeching]
It's complicated?
Huh?
-Grandpa!
-Hmm.
HOPPER: You guys think Trader
Joe can magic us some breakfast?
Oh, ha. Good morning, child.
SQUIRREL: Yeah. I want
some eggs over my hammy.
Wait--where is Trader Joe?
Eh-uh-ah--is everything
all right?
That child,
always running around.
I never noticed
a door bell last night.
-PATSY: Door bell?
-It's cool, right?
Eh, uh, w-where is he?
Okay, that's odd.
-[dramatic musical sting]
-What's that mean, Grandpa?
Oh. [chuckling]
That's the Chinese symbol
for ghost.
-What?
-But we're not ghosts.
Well, in Chinese,
ghost, the character,
can mean many things. Ha.
-Like what?
-Well,
a ghost, obviously,
zombies, spirits
that are angry and jealous
and...
[thudding]
Hopping vampires!
-Hopping what now?
-Hopping vampires!
That symbol was meant for them
to locate us.
They track breath,
so just hold your breath.
Now, we've got--whoa!
Let's get outta here.
Come on.
Come on, kids!
The hopping vampires are coming!
[vampire snarling]
[sniffing]
[coughing] Ah!
-Are you okay, Grandpa?
-Ha ha ha!
I'm fine! Ha ha ha!
-Ohh...
[thud]
Witness this moment, Trader.
Ooh, this is the hand of
destiny,
when I become
a god.
[snarling]
What?
[shrieking]
[groaning, screaming]
Find it fast,
or you'll beg for a fate
as kind...as his.
[yells]
[whimpering] My Lord,
I will find the box,
I promise.
Yes, you will, Trader.
You will, or...
I'll boil your bones
until your flesh
falls off.
[donkey brays]
Understand?
PATSY: He said the fortress
was only a day's travel away.
Yeah. But he has a donkey
and a wagon.
-We just got our feet.
-True.
The magic map thing made it
look like it was this way.
Seriously?
Get back. What are you doing?
There's some good news.
-There's the castle.
-CHUCK: Can't go across here,
so let's just back up.
Come on.
"Mirror of shadow,
their guiding lights
make lupine lords
their acolytes."
[inhales, spits]
[dragon roars]
"And two pale ladies
adrift at sea
"reflected beauty
will be their key.
Unlock the past
and set it free."
Does that mean anything to you?
No. But it does remind me
of the riddle of the Sphinx.
Do you know that one?
-Of course, yeah.
-Yeah, that's a great riddle.
Yeah. Totally.
Yeah, I know that one.
How does it go again?
What has four legs
in the morning,
two legs in the afternoon,
and three legs at night?
Right, yeah. That one.
And the answer is...
-Man.
-Yeah, 'cause babies
-crawl on all fours.
-And adults walk on two legs.
And old people--
Hey. Wise men...
have three legs.
One, two, three.
-So it's a metaphor.
-Mm-hmm.
But we're missing something.
Here.
Nature calls.
Okay.
"Two pale ladies adrift at sea."
Pale ladies?
Yeah.
Like the two moons Joe
was talking about?
Called 'em the two sisters.
Can't believe the guy
ratted us out.
You're a genius!
It's the moon. Or...the moons.
In our world,
there's only one moon,
so of course, it didn't make
any sense, but here...
There's two.
Okay. But how do you
reflect beauty?
Do you need a mirror?
Reflected, meaning...
matching on each side.
So if we push the moons
to the corner...
[click]
It's working.
Even in the land...
of the eight immortals...
when a man's gotta go,
he's gotta go.
Well, the kids can't see me.
[chuckling]
[unzip sound]
[urinating and passing gas]
Rain and thunder.
[chuckling]
I thought I went this way,
but no, couldn't have been.
Ha ha. No, no.
Little confused here. Let's see.
Must be this way. Yeah.
[bush muttering]
Okay, so this is
a crescent moon.
So it has to move
over here on this side?
And then it has to match
with the crescent moon
-on this side.
-Okay, okay, yeah.
-[distant shouting]
-What was that?
Where did it come from?
-This way.
-Hopper, wait!
Well, will you wait?
PATSY: It could be dangerous!
Thank you, kind stranger.
[mysterious music plays]
-Glad we could help.
-What is your name, sir knight?
Knight?
Are these your serfs?
I don't surf.
I boogie-boarded one time
in California
for summer vacation.
We're not his serfs,
and he's not a knight.
I'm Patsy. What's your name?
I'm Allura.
Thank you all for your kindness.
No need to thank us.
Just, uh, doing my job.
Your job? You go to high school.
At least let me share
my supper with you all
to thank you for your charity
and to bind that wound you have.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah. I could eat.
Follow me.
-Are you sure you're okay?
-Guys, we can't just--
-HOPPER: I could carry you.
-What about Grandpa?
[grunting]
Bush, get out of my face!
[exotic animal sounds]
[soothing music plays]
Oh, so beautiful.
Oh! Oh. Ha ha ha.
Oh. The great Buddha.
Must be people around,
and those kids!
They're always getting lost.
Hopper?
[grumbling in Chinese]
Oh!
Oh!
[gasps] Oh!
[crying out]
I-I'm sorry!
I am always a little stiff
after 100-year nap.
But no worry, young one.
Well met is well met.
Young one? Uh, me?
Ha.
I was wrinkled
before the mountains were born
and the four winds whispered,
but I am just a hatchling
before the eyes of the goddess.
Now, why don't you tell me
about your journey
over a nice hot cup of tea?
Tea? Ha ha.
Tea invigorates the mind
and lets the chi flow.
Make yourself comfortable.
Sit, sit.
Most gracious.
Most gracious indeed.
Welcome to my humble camp.
I beg your forgiveness.
I did not know I would be
having anyone for dinner.
No, I-I love what
you did with the place.
You are too kind, brave knight.
I mean...Hopper.
Oh, I-it's cool.
It is almost finished.
I just need to add the meat.
Smells delicious.
And I'm good with veggies
if you wanna start eating early.
No, it is much more delicious
when fresh meat's fat
blends into the broth.
Trust me.
Well, we'll be right here
when it's ready, Allura.
Patience, tender ones.
Let's mend your wound.
Oh.
Thank you.
Butter is the perfect salve.
It can cure any wound.
Oh.
Much better.
PATSY: So mirrors of shadow
means when moons are in shadow
-and guiding light...
-'Cause moons are bright?
Yep. And lupine lords--make
lupine lords their acolytes.
-Rabbits?
-Close. That's lapin.
Lupine means wolf.
Acolyte means someone
who worships.
-Wolves howl at the moon.
-So they worship the moon.
You got it! Two pale ladies
adrift at sea.
That's gotta be the two moons.
-In a sea of stars.
-Pretty.
And that last part--reflected
beauty will be the key.
So if I match the lunar phases
with each corner,
feels like it's about to...
It's open.
Hopper, I got it open!
Gimme a sec.
Are you good with bread?
Yeah.
Big jerk.
A geode? What is this?
Oh, super cool.
I was hoping for some answers,
not jewelry.
SQUIRREL: Still awesome
that you figured it out.
I guess.
That soup might need
some more stirring--
for a taste test,
just to see if it needs
-any more salt, of course.
-Of course.
So, Allura,
when are you adding the meat?
Soon enough. Soon enough.
Mmm. Smells yummy.
I spy with my little eye
something that starts with...
Squirrel?
And then I came into
this meadow and sat on you.
I-I'm so sorry about that.
And now I'm having tea
with a talking turtle.
Tortoise.
Well, I was never
very good with biology.
Ah...
Breath of the Buddha.
Whoa, hey, hey, come back!
Oh, that dumb, stupid...
stupid scarf!
Is it the scarf's fault
or the person
who gave it to you?
You mean that sneaky little
Trader Joe?
Or maybe the person who wove it.
Oh, I-I never met them.
Or you can just blame the wind.
What are you talking about?
I'm saying, my young friend,
that you carry
a lot of potatoes.
Potatoes?
[grunts]
Imagine your anger
is a potato.
If everything
that makes you angry
becomes a new potato
for you to carry,
what would you have, hmm?
I would have a lot of potatoes.
Yes. And if you carried
those potatoes
everywhere you go,
It would be very heavy.
And stinky.
It is hard to share joy
with you are stinky with anger.
Then what should I do?
Just let go.
You make it sound so easy.
Ha ha ha ha.
You choose to carry
the potatoes,
so you can choose
to let them go.
Choose to let go of your anger.
Choose to drop your potatoes.
[chuckles]
So did you find anything new
about our little treasure?
-Uh-huh.
-Mm.
Ooh, it's got writing stuff
inside.
But I saw--
We're just about ready
for the meat.
Why don't you wash up first?
Oh, we'll be right over.
-Do you trust me?
-Of course I do.
You're my best friend.
But why are we whispering?
I saw something--can see things
through the stone.
There's spell scrolls
hanging all over camp.
Oh, like that magic stuff
Joe did.
-Not good magic like those buns.
-Oh, those were delicious.
Bad magic. Really bad.
Allura isn't that.
SQUIRREL: Then what is she?
Nasty.
Evil nasty.
You're just jealous.
Come on, you know
I'm not like that.
Please. Hopper's life
depends on it.
So what do we do?
-See those flowers over there?
-Yeah.
Tear them down
when I give you the signal.
Okay.
-By the way.
-Yeah?
Those flowers are really
just a gross severed arm, FYI.
Ha, Allura, you got
some nice flowers here.
My favorites are begonias.
-Why isn't it working?
-I don't know.
HOPPER: My mouth is watering.
Looks delicious.
PATSY: Wait.
-It's gotta be the necklace.
-The necklace?
-Gimme a distraction.
-Distraction. Okay.
-Severed arm.
-Oh. Ugh!
Uh...uh...
oh, hey, Allura!
Everyone says that Hopper
smells like
a bacon-coated grease monkey.
Oh.
SQUIRREL: I never noticed it,
but...
-[snarling sounds]
-Relax, Patsy.
There's enough Hopper
for everyone.
Right, Allura?
Smells tasty!
Oh, my god!
[gasps]
Where are you going,
my tasty treats?
I insist you stay for dinner!
Ah-ah-ah! Oh-oh-oh!
[chortling]
Oh, yummy, yummy!
[laughing]
Oh--
Ta-da.
-That was crazy.
-What is happening?
Oh, sweet children,
spare my life, please.
I'll tell you anything!
Oh, please.
How do we get to the castle?
Of course, dear girl, but first,
put out the fire.
No. You tell us first, or I'll
boil your butt down to porridge.
-And feed it to the rats.
-No, not the rats! Very well.
It's the bridge.
It's just ahead, but hidden.
-Now, please, let me go.
-Is that what you need?
It better be.
Or I'll be back.
And you know there is nowhere
you can hide from me.
[Allura wailing]
Uh, Pats...
I think she got it.
Right. Right.
Oh, thank you, sweet boy,
delicious boy.
-Gross.
-Aah!
[Allura, muffled shouting]
Time to put our money
where her mouth is.
Okay. That's just creepy.
You know, 'cause
she was gonna eat us.
Where's Chuck?
Over there. I see his scarf.
-HOPPER: How'd he cross?
-PATSY: He must have
figured it out.
I see it.
But I'm gonna have to guide you.
Do you trust me?
-Yes.
-Always.
[wood creaks]
Okay.
And then...here.
I got you.
HOPPER: Okay.
[dramatic music plays]
[birds screeching]
Everyone wants happy,
and no one wants pain.
But you can't have a rainbow
without a little rain.
Your Dolly Parton
sounds very wise.
Yes. Very...
very wise.
Now, get up and stretch
your back.
My tea does wonders
for your tender vittles.
[chuckling]
-[crack]
-Oh!
My back. Ooh!
Not as young as...ha ha.
AO: Yes...
walk your true path.
Oh.
It feels so light,
and I feel light.
Oh. This is magical.
It's amaz--
Thank you, Sifu.
Thank you.
The portal is primed
and prepared.
Time to go home and dispose
of this vile attire.
Hey, hey, hey, wait.
Before we go back
under the watchful eyes
of our illustrious master,
how 'bout we do a little
leopard liquid one last time?
I like the way
you're not thinking.
[squawks]
The forbidden fruit.
Cheers, to the last
of this free realm.
Free range, baby.
Hey, you drank it all!
That was insane.
Where's Grandpa?
-Uncle Chuck?
-Chuck!
Grandpa?
[distant trilling sound]
Did you hear that?
It's over here!
Um, Patsy--
-Oh!
-[birds screeching]
Must have gone back.
Whoa! No, no, no, no!
Cane, what are you doing?
Whoa, oh, oh! I'm gonna fall!
Oh...oh...
uh...
y-you're okay.
But no further, please.
Oh-oh-oh-ohh!
Cane, you did such a good job.
TRADER JOE: Hello, Chuck!
-[snarling]
-Kids!
Are you okay?
I've come for the box,
and this time, no tricks.
Just give him the box.
PATSY: But Grandpa, we gotta
get the box to the castle
so they can help us get home.
And we will, together and safe.
Just trust your grandfather.
Now, give him the box.
[giggling]
CHUCK: Now let him go!
Drop the boy.
HOPPER: Wait, wait, wait--
[grunts]
I'm cool. Yeah, I'm cool.
I'm rich! [giggling]
You bag of farts!
Are you okay, Hopper?
-Did they hurt you?
-Yeah, I'm good.
Good thing you took out
the stone.
[chortling]
Thank you, Squirrel.
I'll take that as well.
Hee hee hee.
Squirrel! What are you doing?
[giggling] Yes!
[laughing]
-Wow, Squirrel. Really?
-I'm sorry.
[indistinct arguing]
Now to tie up these
ugly loose ends!
[chortling]
Ha ha! Ya missed!
Oh, did I?
Look again!
ALL: Aah!
Oh, poor Patsy,
so close and yet so far!
-What do you mean?
-Remember the wizard
-I told you about?
-The benevolent one?
Yes!
She sent me to get the box
and the Eye of Erlang.
But why?
To be rich! Ha ha ha ha!
And to give Lord Kuang the power
of the Keeper!
The Keeper?
Yes! The Keeper can open portals
to all the realms.
Wait! That stone
is how we get home?
Yes!
[chortling]
And you fools had it all along,
and when I give it
to Lord Kuang,
she will use it
to destroy your world.
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah,
go, Trader, go, Trader.
Your victory dance is stupid!
You can't keep us down here.
You'll do that
all by yourselves.
Your fear and anger
will keep you locked in here.
You're caught in the pit
of despair!
Toodles!
Great job, Squirrel brain.
-I didn't do it on purpose.
-No, you just open your mouth,
and trouble pours
right on out of it.
Everybody at school
thinks you're dumb.
Knock it off! Give me a boost.
Maybe we can climb these roots.
-HOPPER: Who put you in charge?
-Yeah you're not the boss of me.
PATSY: What is your problem?
-You.
-I'm the problem?
You got us in this whole thing
in the first place.
No, no, you guys are the ones
who picked up the box first,
and that's why we're in
this situation.
PATSY: Well, you led them to us.
Sold us out!
SQUIRREL: No, no, no, no.
It's both you guys' fault.
If you didn't get captured
by the turd eaters--
I got captured because you guys
wanted to play around.
And if you didn't solve
the chop, we wouldn't be here.
PATSY: Well, let's ask Hopper,
'cause he wouldn't know.
SQUIRREL: Yeah, you have
the IQ of a chipmunk.
-Squirrel. Squirrel.
-Chipmunk. Chipmunk.
-Grease monkey!
-Squirrel!
-Chipmunk!
-Nerd!
-Poodle head!
-Grandpa!
What are you doing?
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single step.
Enough! I don't need your
fortune cookie bullcrap.!
And I don't need
ancient Chinese riddles.
I need you to actually help me,
for once!
For once?
I'm always helping you.
-But you're too--
-Spoiled?
My mom's too permissive?
I know what you think of me.
You never come to the store.
How do you expect me to keep
the Lee family name alive?
You never do any real work.
I work my butt off!
Violin, ukelele,
scholarship applications!
I fall asleep on my books!
I don't have a life.
I don't even have any friends.
Yeah, maybe
that's a you problem.
'Cause it's always
all about Pats.
You talk to your grandfather
with such disrespect.
Your father would never do that.
But I'm not him!
Choose to let go of your anger.
Choose to drop your potatoes.
Patsy, I'm sorry.
I love you.
You're right. You're not him.
But when I see you...
I see my son.
You look at me like...
Like you wish you could
trade my life for his.
Like I'm not good enough.
Why do you think I wanna
get out of town so bad?
I can't live in Dad's shadow.
I can't live with your regret.
Patsy,
the regret is only in myself.
I must confess to you
I pushed your father to visit
that dig site in Scotland.
I knew the rainy season
was coming,
but I-I sent him anyway.
And it...cost him his life.
I lost a son...
And you...you lost your father.
You can't blame yourself,
Grandpa.
A lot of people died
in that mudslide.
Dad knew what he was doing.
He knew the risks.
And he loved playing
Indiana Jones.
[laughing] He did.
And I remember when you
bought that hat for him.
[chuckling]
I'm so sorry.
Can you ever forgive an old man?
It was never your fault.
I'm proud to be
your granddaughter.
Thank you, Granddaughter.
Thank you.
Can we get a piece of that?
Come here, grease monkey.
[stirring music plays]
Oh!
CHUCK: We conquered it together
as a family.
What do we do now?
Um...
Uh, well...
I-I think we need
to track down Trader Joe,
hijack the stone,
break into the castle,
sneak into the throne room,
find the portal key thing,
figure out how that works,
while avoiding the crazy wizard,
so we can get back home.
And if we can't do that,
we need to destroy
that stupid stone
so that evil wizard
can't escape prison,
invade our planet
with weirdo creatures,
and ruin humanity!
Oh, is that all?
-'Cause that sounds crazy.
-It does.
But she's right.
Now we go and save the world.
[snarling]
Not this time, bloodsucker.
How do you like me now,
tough guy?
You gotta do everything I say.
He has to do everything you say?
Everything. As long as
that spell is on his forehead.
And what about that bell
you have?
Yeah, that's the one.
This acts like a remote control.
Now, how do we catch
that traitorous traitor?
I got an idea.
Boop!
[thud]
[all screaming]
ALL: Aah!
Aah!
[thud]
[animals chittering]
[vampire grunts]
There he is, Vampy!
[humming]
What's up, Smurf turd?
How did you get out?
And what did you do to him?
That's none of your business.
Oh, and his name is Vampy.
And we're buds now.
So watch your step, Short Round.
[snarling]
You and your buds
are not getting that stone.
Wanna bet, Toad Boy?
-Hmm?
-Mm?
Are you sure about that?
That's a little truth serum
my grandfather whipped up.
So don't bother
trying to lie to us.
Do you know the layout
of the fortress?
Are they expecting you
back soon?
Do they let you ride your
little wagon all the way in?
Yes, yes, and yes.
Why are you such a tool?
Just mean and greedy.
[giggling]
I was just testing him.
Oh! I'm telling you, this is
the most beautiful scent
-I've ever smelled!
-Oh, from the pot.
-It's coming from the pot.
-Oh, right here!
Oh-h*!
Ambrosia.
My-my-my whiskers
are filled with fennel!
Oh, it's moldy and piquant.
It smells like rotting
beetle dung
and-and-and ambergris.
Ooh, scrum-deliumptious.
-FRANK: Well?
-Ooh.
I'm not quite tasting
the beetle dung.
It's in the back of the palate.
Oh, that explains everything.
I don't have a palate.
[flatulent sound]
Hello, tasties!
[cackling]
KUANG: I assume
you have succeeded,
or come back to grovel
for your life.
Hmm?
CHUCK: Hey! Give her the box,
dummy!
Oh!
Aah ha ha ha ha!
Oh...
[whispers] And now...
all the realms will kneel
before my power.
[struggling]
Don't...open...that box.
PATSY: Did it work?
-It worked.
-Great.
You go that way,
I'll go this way.
HOPPER: Patsy, what are we
looking for?
Look for anything that
can help us defeat Kuang
and get us home.
Patsy, where are you?
Over here!
Child's play!
I will take that key
and then...ha ha ha ha!
Patsy?
I'll wipe you insects
off the face of this world.
[growling]
No!
Aah!
Aah!
Hey, Chuck. Stickball.
Here!
-Are you okay, Grandpa?
-Yeah.
I am done playing.
HOPPER: Oh, yeah?
Ha. That's funny.
'Cause I'm just...
I'm just getting started.
Cool.
I'm okay. Leave me.
You gotta stop Kuang.
-I can't!
-Yes, you can.
You can do anything you choose.
Just choose with your heart.
You can do it. Trust yourself.
Oh, what are you trying
to tell me?
I will not be denied
my destiny!
-Aah!
-No, no, no, no, no.
Gah!
Yah! Fly, Pigu!
Fly like the wind!
Ta-da.
VAMPY: La-la.
Now, Vampy!
-Yah!
-[Vampy grunting]
Wah!
Ah ha ha ha ha!
Vampy! Vampy, come on.
We gotta go. We gotta go.
Suffer my
wrath!
Stop.
I'll give you the stone.
Just please don't hurt
my family.
Come on, we need to go.
Rah!
Finally. A wise choice.
From a foolish girl.
[snarling and growling]
-I know the truth.
-The truth?
What truth is that?
It wasn't your fault.
You were just an innocent
little girl.
[dramatic music plays]
The deaths of your parents
broke your heart.
Monks found you,
lost and hungry.
Tried to take care of you
and gave you a home.
Anger drove you
to learn dark magic.
When the monks caught you,
they shut you out.
Your loneliness
turned into fear.
[throaty chanting]
Your pain and suffering
turned into rage.
You became the very thing
you always hated--
a monster.
And now you seek revenge
on all the realms
looking for the one thing
you couldn't give yourself.
And what is that...
querulous child?
Love.
Aah!
[panting, groaning]
Boop.
[whimpering]
-Squirrel?
-Vampy?
Oh! You freed me.
Thank you.
The magic of love has saved me.
Freed me from pain and anger.
And my suffering.
How can I ever repay
your kindness?
We wanna go home.
Yes.
With my blessing.
Bye, Vampy.
Bye, Squirrel.
PATSY: We did it! We did it!
You're back!
[laughter]
Ta-da!
CHUCK: We're one happy
family again!
Hey.
[laughter, chatter]
I missed you, booger head.
Mmm. I'm home.
Hey, Dad, big night.
Yeah, I wish you were here.
But I'm with friends
and family that I love.
And a boy like I like.
I think you would like him too.
Oh, that's a dapper young man.
Come on in.
Speak for yourself.
I got this for Patsy.
I hope so. It's not my color.
[laughs] Oh, and, uh,
thanks for the loaner.
Well, no. You keep it.
We may all need a little magic.
Thanks.
[strumming light notes]
Ready?
[laughs] So it's C and A...
Hi, Hopper. Don't you look nice?
Hey, Ms. Lee.
S-she got in.
Just like her dad.
We're very proud of her.
Look at that girl
She's got magic
in her eyes
-She's shining like...
-Wow.
The brightest stars
tonight...
-Is that for me?
-Yeah.
So, I guess this makes it
official.
Yeah.
You're brave.
You see once and you know
You're worth it.
Well, here we are.
Everybody out.
[dance music in background]
Wow. You look stunning!
Thanks.
LORRAINE: Yoo-hoo! Chuck!
Miss Lorraine?
Yeah. She's my date.
How do I look?
You look sharp, Uncle Chuck.
-Real sharp.
-Really?
LORRAINE: Chuck!
Coming, coochie-woochie!
-Patsy cakes.
-Farkus.
Lookin' good, brainiac.
So, I saw your, uh...
your college stuff.
Congrats.
Thanks.
It's a dream come true, right?
[small laugh] It's...
Great. You'll finally be
getting out of here, I guess.
Yep. Leaving home.
Moving into a dorm
thousands of miles away.
Yeah. It's...
cool.
Great stuff. I'm...
happy for you.
Yeah. Leaving this little town.
In about two years' time.
Wait. What?
I'm doing my course studies
here.
It's cheaper, and I can
spend time with family.
And other people I like.
So is this when we kiss?
Yes?
Yes.
[thudding, clattering, shouting]
I come seeking the Keepers
of the five kingdoms.
Are you the one known
as Patsy Lee?
Yes?
Oh, thank the elder gods.
I've journeyed across worlds
to find you.
My people, they...
they are in dire need.
We need the Keepers
of the five kingdoms.
-How can we help you?
-Thank you, Patsy Lee.
But first, I bring a message
from he who loves you most.
I bring a message...
From your father.
[epic music plays]
You know, it was very
considerate
to season herself like this.
Ah. Four stars [belch]
hospitality.
[laughs]
Tell you what, after eating
witch, you get tired.
It's the tryptophan.
["The Legends Are Real" plays]
Was once upon a time, yeah
In a land of the enchanted
Where wishes
could be granted
For the things
we've never seen
By now you've heard
the rumors
About the magic
and the glory
But let me tell the story
From the book
of must believe
Assigned a fate
By her own claims
Ooh ooh ooh
It's a never-ending tale
A fable told
like spinning gold
Remember, legends are real
Everyone knows
They're superhuman heroes
Nothing comes close
That's how I feel
Legends are real
Legends are real,
that's how it goes
We're superhuman heroes
That's how I feel
'Cause they're real
So real
Who knows if I don't
believe them
If in your heart
you believe in love
Then the hero in you
can too shine through
And you do
Everyone knows
They're superhuman heroes
Nothing comes close,
that's how I feel
Legends are real
Legends are real,
that's how it goes
They're superhuman heroes
That's how I feel
'cause they're real
So real
[dramatic instrumentals]
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