Gossip Girl : According To The Catholic Church, Mortal Sin Can Only Be Absolved Through The Sacred Act Of Confession, But It Looks Like A Certain W.A.S.P. Princess Has Recently Found Herself Desperately In Need Of A Little Unburdening. And Who Is The Man Upstairs To Discriminate?
[IN THE CHURCH]
Blair : Forgive Me, Father, For I Have Sinned. It's Been... A While Since My Last Confession. For Exactly 20 Minutes, I... Succumbed To Inebriation,
The Priest : What Troubles You, My Child?
Blair : After Being Broken Up With My Boyfriend For Exactly 20 Minutes, I... Succumbed To Inebriation, Performed At A Speakeasy And Surrendered My Virtue To A Self-Absorbed a*s. The Only Good News Is That He's A Total Pig Who Will Act Like It Never Happened. Thank God. Ahem.
The Priest : Hum Hum.
Blair : Sorry. Truthfully, I'm Not Even Catholic.
The Priest : You Don't Say.
Blair : But Losing My Virginity To Chuck Bass ? None Of My Friends Will Ever Understand. I'm Ready For My Punishment. Whatever You And God Think Is Fair- Flogging, Fasting, Putting That Thing With The Teeth Around My Thigh, Like Silas.
The Priest : How About Some Food For Thought Instead ? Don't Drink. Keep Your Clothes On. Try Avoiding Those Who Might Cause You To Stray.
Blair : Oh, I Plan To. Thank You, Father. It Was Very Good Advice. You Don't Grant Birthday Wishes, Do You ?
The Priest : I'm A Priest, Not A Genie.
Blair : Well, The Next Time You Talk To Him, Would You Ask Him To Send My Boyfriend Back To Me?
[RESTAURANT]
Serena : Mm. I Gotta Say...
Dan : No Need To Say Anything.
Waitress : God, I Hate People In Love.
Vanessa : Wow ! Awkward.
Dan : Vanessa ?!
Serena : Serena. Dan ?
Dan : NNo, No, No, No, No, No. Vanessa's Here !
Waitress : Ah. Lovebirds Ready To Order ?
Vanessa : Oh, I'll Take 'Em. Hi.
Dan : Hi. So, Uh, You-You Work Here Now ?
Vanessa : I Did Mention That, But You've Been Distracted. Vanessa. Hi. Nice To See You.
Serena : This Time You're Seeing Less Of Me.
Vanessa : Sorry About That. Walking In When You Were, You Know...
Serena : Yeah.
Vanessa : So You Guys Are Up Early. What'd You Do Last Night ?... Oh, My God. I Totally Didn't Mean To Pry.
Dan : You're Not Prying.
Serena : Why Would You Think You're Prying ?
Dan and Vanessa : No Reason.
Serena : Did You Tell Her ?
Dan : What ? No. What's To Tell ?
Vanessa : I Know Nothing, But If You Guys Did The Thing I Know Nothing About, Then I Would Totally Support That.
Dan : Thanks, Vanessa. Good To Know In The Event That Should Happen.
Vanessa : Oh, Meaning It Didn't Happen ?
Dan : Meaning I Don't Even Know What We're Talking About Right Now.
Serena : I Know I'm Lost.
Vanessa : And I Should Get Lost. First Day. I Have Lots Of Tables.
Dan : Clearly. So Vanessa Works Here Now.
Serena : Yeah, We Should Make This Our Regular Spot.
[ON THE STREETS]
Chuck : Well,This Is The Last Place I'd Expect To Find You.
Blair : Go Away,Chuck. I've Been Given Orders. Practically From God Himself To Avoid You.
Chuck : Would You Consider Avoiding Me Over Breakfast?
Blair : Sorry, But As Is Tradition On The Day Before My Birthday, I'm Heading To The Jeweler's to Put Some Pieces On Hold For Eleanor And...
Chuck : Nate ? Oh, I Don't Think Nate ? He'll Be Singing "Happy Birthday" This Year.
Blair : No One Knows That Nate And I Broke Up, And It's Gonna Stay That Way So I Can Fix This, And I Don't Think Your Best Friend Would Still Be Your Best Friend If He Knew
Chuck : If He Knew How Much I Enjoyed The Removal Of A Certain Chastity Belt In The Back Of This Very Limo ?
Blair : From This Moment Forward, The Events Of Last Night Will Never Be Mentioned Again. Is That Clear?
Chuck : Not As Clear As The Memory Of You Purring In My Ear, Which I Have Been Replaying Over And Over.
Blair : Well,Erase The Tape, Because As Far As I'm Concerned, It Never Happened.
Chuck : I'll See You At Your Party Tonight.
Blair : You're Officially Uninvited.
Chuck : Never Stopped Me Before.
Gossip Girl : Speak Of The Devil, And He Doth Appear, Wearing His Trademark Scarf. Careful,B. Hell Hath No Fury Like A Chuck Bass Scorned.
[IN THE LIVING ROOM OF THE HUMPHREY]
Jenny : Hey,Dad.
Rufus : Hi, Honey. How Was Hudson ? Your Mother Must Have Been Kind Of Surprised To See You.
Allison : Yeah, She Was.
...
Allison : Hi, Rufus.
Rufus : Alison. What Are You Doing Here ?
Jenny : Well, I Asked Her To Come. You Know, I Thought You Guys Could... Talk... Or Not. Okay, Dad, I Know It Wasn't My Place To Ask Mom To Come Back...
Rufus : Jenny...
Jenny : It's Your Life. I Get That, But It's My Life, Too, And It's Dan's, And I Just Felt That Nothing's Ever Gonna Change If Someone Doesn't Do Something.
Rufus : Jenny ! Stop. Breathe. I'm Not Angry.
Jenny : You're Not ?
Rufus : Not At You.
Jenny : While You Can't Get Un-Angry At Mom If She's In Hudson, And You're Here, Dad. I Mean, Nothing's Ever Gonna Change If You're Not In The Same Room. Can't You Just Give It A Chance ?
Rufus : ...Not On An Empty Stomach. Come. I'll Make Us Breakfast.
Allison : Who Wants Waffles ? I Mean, You Do Still Like Waffles, Right, Rufus ?
Rufus : You Know Me, Al. I'm A Loyal Guy. Once I Commit To Something, I Stick With It.
Allison : ...
Jenny : I'll Get The Syrup.
[IN THE LIVING ROOM OF THE WALDORF]
Blair : Hey, Mom. I Just Got Back From The Jeweler's, And I Have To Say...
Eleanor : Have You Seen This ?
Blair : Since When Does Drunk And Disorderly Get This Much Attention ?
Eleanor : Since Never. The Captain Is Being Charged With Embezzlement And Fraud. This Is An Absolute Disaster.
Blair : It Must Be Awful For Them.
Eleanor : I Meant For Me. The Captain Is Supposed To Represent Me. The Contracts Are About To Be Signed. What About My I.P.O., Huh ? What Is Gonna Happen To My Bendel's Deal ?
Blair : Nate Looks So Helpless.
Eleanor : I Have To Call My Attorney. I Have To Put An End To This Deal Before It Goes Any Further.
Blair : I Have To Talk To Nate.
[IN THE LIVING ROOM OF THE ARCHIBALD]
Howard : I Don't Know Why Everybody's Making Such A Big Deal Out Of This. It's Just A Misunderstanding. It'll Be Cleared Up In Time.
Lawyer : Yes, It Will, At Your Trial. This Is Real, Howard. The Only Reason You're
Not Behind Bars Right Now Is Because Your Wife Could Afford Your Bail.
Anne : And I Would've Paid Ten Times That Amount. You're Not Going To Jail.
Lawyer : And We're Gonna Do Everything We Can To Make Sure That Doesn't Happen, But In The Meantime, This Is Not Something To Be Cavalier About.
Howard : It's Clearly A Setup. Someone's Got A Agenda.
Nate : Dad, Would You Just Shut Up And Listen To Him ?
Anne : Nate !
Nate : Look, Sir, What Exactly Do We Need To Do Here ?
Lawyer : Remain Calm And Give Them Nothing But A United Front As We Fight This.
Nate : Well, What About Some Sort Of, Um, Some Sort Of Plea ?
Howard : A Plea ? You Think I'm Guilty ?
Nate : Dad, It's Just A Question. How Would That Work Exactly ?
Howard : It Wouldn't.
Anne : Nate, I'm Sure You're Very Tired, And This Is A Conversation For Adults. Why Don't You Go Get Some Rest, Sweetheart ?
[IN THE LIVING ROOM OF THE HUMPHREY]
Dan : Hey, Dad. Jenny. And... And Mom.
Allison : Hi, Honey.
Dan : Well, Look At This. The Whole Family's Together... Eating Waffles.
Jenny : Want One ?
Dan : You Bet. Just One Question. Am I The Only One Who Thinks This Is Extremely Weird ? I... I Mean, Given Everything.
Jenny : Dan, Just Forget About It. If Dad Can Let It Go, So Can You.
Rufus : What Do You Mean, Let It Go ?
Jenny : You Know, The Guy In Hudson.
Dan : You Told Her ?
Allison : No, Of Course I Didn't Tell Her. Rufus.
Rufus : I Would Never.
Jenny : I Overheard Dan And Dad Talking.
Rufus : He Heard Us Arguing On The Phone.
Dan : Yeah, If You Want To Keep Secrets, Maybe We Should All Abandon The Loft And Move To A Place With More Walls.
...
Rufus : It's Always good To Give Him A While.
Allison : Yeah, No, I Knew-I Knew That.
[IN BLAIR'S ROOM]
Blair : I Can't Believe He Told Her You Guys Were Gonna Do It.
Serena : Well, I Told You.
Blair : That's Different. I'm A Girl.
Serena : Yeah, Well, So Is She.
Blair : Exactly My Point. But Even If She Wasn't, When You Get A Boyfriend, You Become The Best Friend, And The Best Friend Becomes The Second Best Friend. That's Just How It Has To Be If It's Ever Gonna Work.
Serena : Hey, You Still Haven't Told Me How Nate's Doing. It's All Over The News.
Blair : Uh, When I Talked To Him This Morning, I- I Told Him To Focus On His Family Today.
Serena : But He's Still Coming To Your Party, Right ? Here.
Blair : Uh, I Told Him Not To Worry About It. I Mean, Only If He's Up To It.
Serena : You're Such A Good Girlfriend, B., Really. Hey, Um, I'll Just Pick You Up, And We Can Go Together, But I Really Hope Nate Can Make It.
[NATE's HOME]
Anne : Nate, Here You Are. I've Been Looking Everywhere For You. I Was Up In Your Room. I Was Calling Your Name For 20 Minutes. Hey, Take Your Earphones Out. Take Your Earphones Out. Nathaniel, I've Been Calling You For 20 Minutes.
Nate : I'm Sorry. What Is It ?
Anne : Blair's Birthday Party Is Tonight, Isn't It ?
Nate : Yeah.
Anne : I Was Thinking Maybe You Should Give Her Something Special.
Nate : I'm Sure She's Already Picked Out Something At The Jewelry Store And Put It On Hold.
Anne : Something More Special Than That.
Nate : Mom, That's A Family Heirloom. I'm Not Giving It To Blair. It's An Engagement Ring.
Anne : I'm Not Asking You To Propose, But It's Important That Blair Knows How Much You Value Her Loyalty.
Nate : Her Loyalty Or Her Mother's ?
Anne : Eleanor's Lawyers May Have Called. What Difference Does It Make ? One Day We'll All Be Family, And They Won't Have A Choice In These Matters.
Nate : Blair And I Broke Up Last Night.
Anne : Well, Then Get Back Together.
Nate : I Don't Think So.
Anne : PMay I Remind You It Was Your Own Rash Actions That Got Us Into This Predicament ?
Nate : We're In This Predicament Because Dad Has A Drug Problem. I Was Trying To Help Him.
Anne : Then Help Him. Your Father's Acting The Way That He Is Because He's Scared. He Needs You So Much Right Now, More Than He Ever Has. We All Do.
Gossip Girl : Whoever Thought Monarchy Was Dead Didn't Realize It Just Changed Zip Codes. So What Will It Be, Nate, Blair Waldorf's Hand Or Your Father's Head ?
[BLAIR IS IN HER ROOM AND NATE IS ON THE STREETS]
Blair (On the Phone) : Hi. Are You Okay ? Uh, I've Been Texting You All Day.
Nate (On the Phone) : Yeah, I'm-I'm Fine. Thanks. I, Um, Just Been A Little Busy.
Blair : I Just Wanted To Check On You, See If You Need Anything.
Nate : Yeah, I Kinda Do.
Blair : Oh ?
Nate : Um... Blair, Do You Think We've Been A Little... A Little Hasty With The Whole Breakup ?
Blair : I- I Don't Know, Nate. Um, It Was A Pretty Difficult Decision.
Nate : Yeah, Look, I-I Totally Understand. I'm Sorry. I, Um, I Shouldn't Have Brought It Up.
Blair : Uh, But We Do Have A Lot Of History Together, And, Uh, It Was In The Heat Of The Moment, But You'd Have To Be Willing To Really Work For It.
Nate : Yeah, Yeah, Of Course. Listen, We'll Just Take It Slow And See How It Goes. And, Um, I've Got A Birthday Present For You. It's, Uh, Something Special.
Blair : J'ai trop hate de l'ouvrir à ma fete ! A ce soir alors !
Nate (Line Disconnects, Dial Tone) : I...
Blair : Hi. This Is Blair Waldorf. I Was Wondering If Any Of The Pieces That I Put On Hold Were Picked Up Today. The Diamond Necklace ? Really ? Okay. (Laughs) Thank You. (Squeals) Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. (Squeals)
[DAN'S ROOM]
Allison : Hey. Can We Talk ?
Dan : Well, That Depends. Are You-Are You Back For Good ?
Allison : I Don't Know. Your Father And I Haven't Really Had A Chance To Talk, So...
Dan : Well, Do You Want To Come Back, Or Do You Wanna Live In Hudson With, Uh, Neighbor Guy ?
Allison : Okay, Look, Dan, I Understand That You're Mad, All Right ? And I'm Not Gonna Defend What I Did.
Dan : No, You-You Don't Get It, Do You ? You Think I'm Only Mad About The Cheating ?
Allison : Okay. What Else ?
Dan : (Sighs) Maybe That You Promised You Would Be Home By The End Of Summer, And Then You Weren't. Maybe The Fact That You Left At All.
Allison : I Asked If You Were Okay With Me Going Away, And I'd Hoped That If There Was A Problem, You Would Say Something.
Dan : Like What ? "Your Daughter's A Freshman At A School "Populated By Mean Girls And Date Rapists ? I Think She Needs Her Mom." Or Maybe "My Father Is Madly In Love With You And Will Probably Never Get Over This" ? Why Should I Have To Tell You This ?
Rufus : Where Are You Going ?
Dan : Out. I'll Call Later.
...
Allison : Well, That Went Well.
Jenny : You Know, I Was Thinking Of Going Out Also. There's Something I Kinda Need To Do.
Rufus : Oh, Yeah. You Need Some Help ?
Allison : Can I Help You ?
Jenny : No, I'm Good. Thanks.
[CHUCK'S HOME]
Nate : Come On, Man. I Can Hear You Breathing On The Other Side Of The Door. Is She
Anybody You Can Get Rid Of ? I Just Really Need To Talk To You, Man. Please.
Chuck : Nathaniel.
Nate : Where's The Girl ?
Chuck : In My Dreams. I Was Trying To Get Some Shut-Eye. What's On Your Mind ?
Nate : It's My Mom.
Chuck : Sounds Freudian.
Nate : (Sighs) She Wants Me To Give Blair Her Ring.
Chuck : What ? You Guys Broke Up.
Nate : (Scoffs) Yeah, I Know. I Mean, Uh, Wait. How Do You Know ?
Chuck : Predictably, Your Ex Ran The Old, Uh, Grill-The-Best-Friend Play. Tried To Find Out Where Your Head Was At. So, Uh, Where, Uh, Where Is Your Head ?
Nate : Spinning. I Mean, My Mom Wants Me To Get Back With Blair So Eleanor Doesn't Pull out Of Their Business Deal. It's All Because Of My Dad's Whole Trial Thing, You Know ?
Chuck : Yeah. I'm Sorry About All That, But Look, If You're Done With Blair, Be Done. Don't Cave To Your Parents' Wishes If They're Not Your Desires.
Nate : Excuse Me ? Where's My Boy ? "Seal The Deal. Tap That a*s. Money Marries Bigger Money" ?
Chuck : Look, I Care About Three Things, Nathaniel. Money, The Pleasures Money Brings Me And You. I'm Just Trying To Have Your Back Here. Your Parents Have Been
Controlling You Your Whole Life. If It Doesn't End Now, When Will It Ever ?
[BLAIR'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT THE KATI'S BROTHER PLACE]
Serena : Oh, My God. Hey, Guys !
Katie and Isa : Hey, Serena ! Blair ! Happy Birthday ! Happy Birthday !
Blair : Oh, My God, Kati. Your Brother's Place Looks Fabulous.
Kati : Yeah, I Know, Right ? I Know.
Serena : It's Incredible.
Kati : Come On, Guys. Let's Check It Out.
...
Serena : Hey. So Where's Nate ?
Blair : Um, I'm Sure He'll Be Here Soon. What About Dan ?
Serena : Oh, Uh, He Said He's Coming, But I Haven't Talked To Him Since This Morning.
Blair : Well, You Better Check In On Him. Make Sure The Best Friend Hasn't Whisked
Him Away To Do Some Friendly Activity.
Serena : Oh, Shut Up. Oh, There's Chuck. I Bet He Knows Where Nate Is.
Blair : I Think Nate Probably Just Snuck In While We Were Dancing.
Serena : Chuck.
[ON THE STREETS]
Dan : Well, Thanks For Listening To Me Complain About My Family All Afternoon.
Vanessa : Oh, Look, I Know It's Hard Right Now... (Cell Phone Ringing) But Your Family's One Of The Good Ones, And Your Parents Really Love Each Other. They'll Figure It Out, And In The Meantime, You've Got Me.
Dan : Um, Actually, I Was Gonna Go Meet Up With Serena.
Vanessa : Oh, Sure. Have Fun.
Dan : I Will. What Are We Doing ?
Vanessa : I Thought You Said We Weren't Doing Anything.
Dan : I Like Serena, And I Like You, And She Likes Me, And You Like Me, So How-How Can You Not Like Each Other ? It's Mathematically Impossible.
Vanessa : Who Said I Didn't Like Her ? I Just Don't Know Her.
Dan : Yeah, And You're Making A Real Effort To Change That. I Mean, Why Spend Five Minutes Trying To Be Nice To Serena, When I Can Spend Day After Day Forced To Choose Between The Two Of You ?
Vanessa : Okay, Fine. You Want To See Me Get My Nice On ? Let's Do It Tonight. Just You, Me And Serena. Um...
Dan : Tonight-Tonight Is Blair Waldorf's Birthday Party. Uh, I Think We Might Want
To Start By Dipping A Toe Rather Than Diving Off Of A Cliff, Headfirst, Into The Rocks With The Sharks.
Vanessa : Why ? We All Know How To Swim. Come On. You Want To Do This, Let's Do It.
[IN THE KATI'S BROTHER PLACE]
Chuck : Are You Ready For Your Present ? (Blair takes him by the hair) Ow ! If You Wanted To Play Rough, All You Had To Do Was Ask.
Woman : Hi. Hi.
Blair : Hello There. Happy Birthday To Me. (Sighs) You Nauseate Me.
Chuck : All This Talk About How You Have To Be With Nate Or The World Will End. Face It. It's Over.
Blair : You Sound Like A Jealous Boyfriend.
Chuck : (Scoffs) Yeah, Right. You Wish.
Blair : No. You Wish.
Chuck : Please. You Forget Who You're Talking To.
Blair : So Do You. Do You... Like Me ?
Chuck : Define "Like".
Blair : Oh. Uh, You Have Got To Be. I Do Not Believe This.
Chuck : How Do You Think I Feel ? I Haven't Slept. I Feel Sick, Like There's Something In My Stomach, Fluttering.
Blair : Butterflies ? No, No, No, No, No, No, No. This Is Not-Not Happening.
Chuck : Believe Me, No One Is More Surprised Or Ashamed Than I Am.
Blair : Chuck, You Know That I Adore All Of God's Creatures And The Metaphors That They Inspire, But... Those Butterflies Have Got To Be m*rder*d.
Chuck : Fine. It Wasn't That Great Anyway.
Blair : Thanks.
[ON THE STREETS]
Nate : Jenny
Jenny : Oh. Hi, Nate.
Nate : Hey.
Jenny : I Told Blair, And I Shouldn't Have. I'm Sorry.
Nate : Oh, About What Happened At The Ball ? It's, Uh, It's Not Your Fault.
Jenny : So... How Have Things Been Between You Guys ?
Nate : Uh, Strange, But Again, Not Your Fault... So You Gonna Go Inside ?
Jenny : I Was Planning On It, But Now That I'm Here, I'm Not So Sure.
Nate : Yeah. Me Neither.
Jenny : Blair Invited Me Before Our Fight, And I Was Gonna Run In And Give Her This Card, Which Says "I'm Sorry" like 30 Times. (Chuckles) Maybe You Could Just Deliver It For Me, Though ?
Nate : Uh, Do You Wanna Go Take A Walk Or Something ?
Jenny : With You ? Um, What Would Blair Think ?
Nate : Well, Blair's Up There. Unless, Of Course, You Wanna Go. It's Up To You.
Jenny : A Walk Sounds Good.
[IN THE KATI'S BROTHER PLACE]
Blair : Thank You. (Elevator Bell Dings)
Serena : Dan, You're Here ! And, Um, And You Brought Vanessa. Hey. Good To See You. Um, Kati And Is, You-You Know Dan. Uh, Blair, This Is, Um, Dan's Friend Vanessa.
Vanessa (to Dan) : Wow. You Didn't Mention They Were So Nice. Now I Get It.
Blair (To Serena) : Oh, Sweetie, You Did Not Tell Me She Looked Like That. This Is Such A Problem.
[IN THE LIVING ROOM OF THE HUMPHREY]
Allison : Rufus, I'm Sorry. I Know That You're Upset.
Rufus : You're Getting That, Huh ?
Allison : Can You Please Talk To Me ? Please ?
Rufus : I Only Have One Question, And I'm Pretty Sure I Don't Want To Hear The Answer.
Allison : It Happened One Time, And I Wish It Hadn't, And It's Over.
Rufus : Then Why Did Our Daughter Have To Go To Hudson And Drag You Back Here ?
Allison : Because When We Spoke On The Phone, I Didn't Really Get The Impression That You Wanted To See Me. I Thought I Should Give You Some Space.
Rufus : This Family Has Had Way Too Much Space. You Never Should Have Left.
Allison : Can We Not Go Through This Whole Thing Again ? Please. You Know That I Wasn't Happy.
Rufus : Yeah. You Happy Now ?
Allison : In Some Ways, I Am. I Know You Don't Want To Hear That.
Rufus : Look, Please Don't Act Like You Care What I Want.
Allison : (Gasps) Rufus. I Was There For You When You Were All About Your Music, When You Were On The Road For Months At A Time And Everything That Went With It. My Whole Adult Life Has Been About You. And Now I'm The One That's Screwed Up. I Guess I Was A Late I Just Need You To Care Enough About Me To Try.
Rufus : Alison... I Care. I Care.
[IN THE KATI'S BROTHER PLACE]
Blair : Stalk Me Much ?
Chuck : What Are You Still Doing Up Here All Alone ?
Blair : I Don't Know Where Nate Is, And He Always Calls Me At Midnight, When It Turns Into My Birthday.
Chuck : Well, I Wouldn't Count On It Tonight. Doesn't It Strike You As, Uh, Just A Little Bit Of Coincidence, The Timing Of Everything ?
Blair : What Do You Mean ?
Chuck : Well, Nate Suddenly Decides He Wants To Get Back Together Just Moments After Your Mother Puts The Brakes On Her Deal With The Captain ?
Blair : So You're Saying That Nate Is Only Pretending To Like Me, And That He's Actually Using Me To Get To My Mother ? He Wouldn't Do That.
Chuck : Yes, He Would. If It Was To Help His Family, You Know He Would.
Blair : Nate Loves Me. Whatever He's Doing, Wherever He Is, He Will Call At Midnight. You'll See.
Chuck : Care To Make A Wager ? If He Calls, I'll Leave You Alone Forever. If He Doesn't, You Spend The Night With Me.
Blair : I Will Not.
Chuck : I Thought You Were Sure.
Blair : You're Gonna Lose. He's Never Missed My Birthday.
Gossip Girl : Careful, B. There's No Safe Wager When You Bet On A Bass. You Just Might Lose Your Shirt And Your Pants.
[IN THE KATI'S BROTHER PLACE]
Serena : So You Brought Vanessa As Your Date To Blair's Party ?
Dan : No, No, You're My Date. I Just Thought It Might Be A Good Opportunity For All Three Of Us To Hang Out.
Serena : Oh, Yeah, 'Cause It Was So Fun And Not Remotely Awkward At Breakfast This Morning.
Dan : Fine. You're... You're Right. I Actually Thought This Would Be A Very Bad opportunity For Us To Hang Out, But I Kind Of Suggested To Vanessa That She Wasn't Making An Effort To Get To Know You, So, Uh, She Decided To Start Tonight, But If It's Weird, I Can Go Talk To Her.
Serena : No. No, No, No, Don't Do That. Look, Tell Me Something Vanessa Likes Besides You, And I Will Make An Effort To Bond. I Promise.
Dan : Oh, Thank You.
Vanessa : So What Now ?
Serena : Ever Play "Guitar Hero" ?
...
(Cheers And Applause) Yeah !
Vanessa : Thank You. Thank You.
Katie : Oh, She Owned You, Serena.
Isabelle : Yeah, You Went Down Almost As Hard As Britney At The V.M.A.S.
Serena : Okay, You Know, You're Good, Vanessa. I'll Admit It, But I Have Been Holding Back Until Now. There's A Little Birdie That's About To Be Free.
(Serena play Guitar Hero)
Dan : That's My Girl! That's It. Right There.
Serena : Thank You. Thank You. Who Got On Now ?
Vanessa : Not Bad, But Skynyrd Is Meat And Potatoes, And I'm Bringing Dessert, So What Do You Say To A Slice Of "Cherry Pie" ?
(Gags)
Dan : No Pie. I Say No, I Beg You.
Vanessa : Come On. There's Nothing Like A Little '80s Hair Metal To Put A Smile On Your Face. After The Day You've Had ?
Serena : The...The Day You've Had ? What... What Kind Of Day Have You Had ?
Vanessa : You Didn't Tell Her ?
Dan : Uh, No. No, Not Yet. Not Yet. Um, It Was Kind Of An Odd Day At The Humphrey Loft. Uh, Actually, Jenny Brought My Mom Home.
Serena : Your Mom's Back ?
Dan : Yeah.
Serena : Excuse Me.
...
Serena : I Can't Believe You Didn't Tell Me Your Mom Came Home.
Dan : I'm Sorry, Really. Uh...
Serena : What ? You Didn't Think It Was Important ?
Dan : No, No, Of Course It Is.
Serena : Why Bother ? You Already Told Vanessa.
Dan : I Tell Vanessa Everything, All Right ? I Have Since I Was 6.
Serena : Well, You're Not 6 Anymore, Dan. I Just-I Was Just Hoping That I Would Be The PersonThat You Would Wanna Tell These Things To Now.
Dan : I Want You To Be That Person, Too. Really, I Do. This Whole Girlfriend Thing Is Very New To Me, You Know ? I- I Just... I Don't Know All The Rules Yet.
Serena : Well, Blair Says In A Relationship, The Best Friend Is...
Dan : Serena, You're Really Taking Relationship Advice From Blair ?
Serena : (Sighs) Good Point. Look, I Just Don't Want To Have To Compete With Vanessa. You Know, With "Guitar Hero, " Okay. I'm Way More Awesome, If You Didn't Happen To Notice. But, Um, Not With You.
Dan : That's Fair. All Right, So Tomorrow, You And I Will Go Somewhere Together, Just The Two Of Us, And We Will Talk About My Family In Excruciating Detail Until You Are- You're Just So Bored, You're Begging For Vanessa To Take Over, All Right ? How's That Sound ?
Serena : Perfect. (Chuckles) All Right. Come On. It's Almost Midnight.
Dan : What Happens At Midnight ?
[ON THE STREETS]
Jenny : I Heard About Your Dad. I'm Sorry.
Nate : Well, If It Makes You Feel Any Better, My Family's Not Doing That Great Right Now Either.
Jenny : You Know, I Actually Didn't Want To Come To Blair's Party As Much As I Just Wanted To Get Out Of My House.
Nate : Yeah, I Know The Feeling. Blair's Birthday Present.
Jenny : Your Mother's Ring. Blair Told Me About It. Wow. It's Beautiful.
Nate : I'm, Uh, Supposed To Give It To Blair Tonight.
Jenny : I'm Guessing That Wasn't Your Idea.
Nate : Blair And I Broke Up, And I Know It Was The Right Thing To Do. I Mean, We Just Shouldn't Be Together Right Now, You Know ?
Jenny : Sounds Like You're Pretty Sure Of That.
Nate : I Am, And As Much As I Wanna Do The Right Thing And Help Out My Parents, It's Just-It's Not Fair. I Mean, To Me Or To Blair. I Just Think That If I Do This Now, When Does It Ever Stop ?
Jenny : It'll Only Stop When You Stop It.
[IN THE KATI'S BROTHER PLACE]
Chuck : 12:01. I'm Sorry.
Blair : No, You're Smarmy. There's A Difference. If You're Coming To Collect, You Can Forget It.
Chuck : Turn Around.
Blair : You Get Grosser By The Second.
Chuck : (Sighs) You Get Older. Look.
Serena : Happy Birthday ! (Laughs)
Isa : Blair, Blow Out Your Candles.
Kati : I Know.
Katie et Isa : Make A Wish, Blair.
Blair : It Already Didn't Come True.
Gossip Girl : Happy Birthday To Who ? Forget Cake And Ice Cream. I'm Saving Room For Just Desserts. Looks Like Chuck's Wish Might Come True.
[ON THE STREETS]
Nate : Hey... So I Don't Know How It Was Possible Given How The Day Started, But, Um, I Actually Had Kind Of A Good Night. (Giggles) Your Parents Won't Be Mad You're Coming Home So Late, Right ?
Jenny : Oh, No, They Think I'm With A Friend.
Nate : Huh. Well, They Think Right.
Jenny : I Had Fun. (Giggles)
Nate : Me, Too. You Have A Good Night.
Gossip Girl : Spotted : Nate Archibald Depositing A Mystery Girl In A Taxi After Midnight. All We Know About Her For Sure ? She's Not Blair Waldorf.
[IN THE KATI'S BROTHER PLACE]
Katie et Isa : Oh my God
Serena
Did You Guys See This ? I Can't Believe Gossip Girl Would Do This To Her On Her Birthday.
Serena : You Know What ? Maybe She's Wrong. It Wouldn't Be The First Time.
Katie : I Can't Believe Gossip Girl.
Serena : Blair, Hey, I'm So Sorry. I Never Would've Thought That This Would Happen.
Isabel : I Hope The sl*t Gave Him Herpes.
Katie : Cheater Totally Deserves Herpes.
Blair : He Isn't Cheating. We Broke Up, Okay ? He Was Gonna Get Back Together With Me, But Only So My Mom Would Help His Dad. (To Chuck) You Satisfied ?
Serena : Blair... Blair, Stop, Okay ? Talk To Me.
Blair : (Voice Breaks) We Ended It. I Wanted To Tell You, But-But Part Of Me Thought That If I Didn't Say It Out Loud, Then It Wouldn't Be True.
Serena : Shh. Shh.
Blair : It Was My Birthday Wish For Us To Get Back Together. Now I Think It's Really Over.
Serena : Oh, Blair, Shh.
Blair : Is It Okay If I Just Wanna Be Alone For A Second ?
[NATE'S HOME]
Howard : Nate, Hey. What Are You Doing Home So Early ?
Nate : It's After Midnight.
Howard : We Just Thought You'd Be With Blair.
Anne : How Did She Like Her Gift ?
Nate : I Didn't Make It To The Party Tonight.
Anne : You Can Call Her In The Morning, Maybe Take Her To Lunch.
Howard : It's A Good Plan. Really More Special This Way.
Nate : Dad, I Know You Think Blair Will Help Save You, But I'm Not Doing This. It's Over.
Howard : Nate. There's Nothing In This World I Wouldn't Do To Protect Our Family, And I'm Sure You Feel The Same. I Need Your Support Here, Son, And Your Trust.
Nate : (Scoffs) Well, You Better Hope For Your Sake. They Don't Call Your Son To The Stand.
[HUMPHREY's LOFT]
Rufus : God, I Have Missed Your Smile.
Allison : Mm. I Have Missed Everything.
Rufus : Please Tell Me That Is Someone Coming To Rob The House.
Jenny : Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.
Allison : Hey, Jenny.
Jenny : As You Were.
[IN THE KATI'S BROTHER PLACE]
Vanessa : Is Your Friend Gonna Be Okay ?
Serena : Um, I'm Not Sure. She Just Broke Up With Her Boyfriend, And Then They Got Back Together And Then, Um, I Don't Know What Just Happened.
Vanessa : Well, She's Lucky To Have You. Being A Good Friend Is...
Serena : Challenging At Times ?
Vanessa : Hey, If I've Been Acting However I've Been Acting, It's Just 'Cause I'm Protective Of Dan.
Serena : And I'm Protective Of Our Relationship. I've Never Actually Had One Before. You Guys Just Have Everything In Common, And, Um, I'm Just Getting To Know Him. So, You Know, It Can Be A Little Intimidating.
Vanessa : Talk About Intimidating. You Just Admitted That You Find Me Intimidating, So How Cool Does That Make You ?
Serena : I Think You Forgot To Mention My Superior "Guitar Hero" Skills.
Vanessa : No, I Didn't Forget That. And At The Next Party, I'm Asking For A Rematch, 'Cause You Were About To Get Smoked.
Serena : Oh, Really ? Well, I Think The Only Thing Getting Smoked Is Your Pale Imitation Of A Guitar Player.
Vanessa : Hey, I Am A Golden God.
Serena : Oh, Really ? Are You Now ?
Dan : Hey. Am-Am I Interrupting Anything ?
Serena : Um, Actually, You Are.
Vanessa : I'll Give You Guys A Moment.
Dan : Might That Have Been Bonding That I Just Walked In On ?
Serena : A Little Bit.
Dan : Yeah ? What Were You Talking About ?
Serena : Nothing You Need To Know About.
Dan : Oh, So You Have Secrets Now ? I See. Well, Listen, Um, If You Want To Get Out Of Here, Vanessa Can Only Fit Two On Her Vespa, But I Can Walk.
Serena : Oh, Well, You Know I Love Me A Vespa, But, Um, I Think I Gotta Stay Here And Be With Blair. You're Not The Only One With A Best Friend.
Dan : Yeah.
[IN A ROOM AT THE KATI'S BROTHER PLACE]
Blair : I'm Not In The Mood, Chuck. This Is Pretty Much The Worst Birthday Ever.
Chuck : Maybe It Can Be Salvaged.
Blair : Is That Our Sex Tape ?... It's The Erickson Beamon Necklace. No, I Couldn't.
Chuck : Yes, You Can. Something This Beautiful Deserves To Be Seen On Someone Worthy Of Its Beauty. I Really Am Sorry.
Serena see Blair and Chuck in the room.
Gossip Girl : Spotted : B. Turning A Year Older, But Not Necessarily Wiser. Guess Chuck's The Gift That Keeps On Giving. Blow Out Your Candles, B. This Will Be Better In The Dark. X.O.X.O., Gossip Girl.
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1x08 - Seventeen Candles
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Privileged teens living on the Upper Eastside of New York City. You know you love me. xoxo
Privileged teens living on the Upper Eastside of New York City. You know you love me. xoxo
Re: 1x08 - Seventeen Candles
(OG version)
WOMAN:
Where has she been?
GOSSIP GIRL:
And who am I?
That's one secret I'll never tell.
You know you love me. XOXO...
...Gossip Girl.
GOSSIP GIRL:
According to the Catholic Church...
...mortal sin can only be absolved
through the sacred act of confession.
But it looks like a certain Wasp princess
has recently found herself...
...desperately in need
of a little unburdening.
And who is the man upstairs
to discriminate?
BLAIR:
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
It's been a while
since my last confession.
What troubles you, my child?
[SIGHS]
After being broken up with my
boyfriend for exactly 20 minutes...
...I succumbed to inebriation,
performed at a speakeasy...
...and surrendered my virtue
to a self-absorbed a*s.
The good news is that he's a pig who'll
act like it never happened. Thank God.
PRIEST: Ahem.
-Sorry.
-Truthfully, I'm not even Catholic.
-You don't say.
But losing my virginity to Chuck Bass?
None of my friends will ever understand.
I'm ready for my punishment.
Whatever you and God think is fair.
Flogging, fasting...
...putting that thing with the teeth
around my thigh like Silas?
How about some food
for thought instead?
Don't drink, keep your clothes on...
...try avoiding
those who might cause you to stray.
Oh, I plan to.
Thank you, Father.
It was very good advice.
You don't grant birthday wishes, do you?
PRIEST:
I'm a priest, not a genie.
Well, the next time you talk to him...
...would you ask him
to send my boyfriend back to me?
-Mm. I gotta say--
-No need to say anything.
[GIGGLES]
God, I hate people in love.
VANESSA:
Wow.
[CHUCKLES]
Awkward.
-Vanessa?
-Serena.
-Dan.
-No, no, no. Vanessa's here.
WAITRESS: Ah. Lovebirds ready to order?
-I'll take them.
Hi.
Hi. So you work here now?
I did mention that,
but you've been distracted.
-Vanessa, hi. Nice to see you.
-This time, you're seeing less of me.
Sorry about that...
-...walking in when you were, you know.
-Yep.
So you guys are up early?
What did you do last night?
Oh, my God, I totally didn't mean to pry.
-You're not.
-Why would you think that?
-No reason.
-No reason.
-Did you tell her?
-No, what's to tell?
I know nothing.
But if you did the thing I know nothing
about, then I would totally support that.
Thanks, Vanessa. Good to know,
in the event that should happen.
Oh, it didn't happen?
-I don't know what we're talking about.
-I know I'm lost.
And I should get lost.
It's the first day. I have a lot of tables.
DAN:
Clearly.
[CLEARS THROAT]
So Vanessa works here now.
Yeah, we should make this
our regular spot.
Well, this is the last place
I'd expect to find you.
Go away, Chuck.
I've been given orders practically
from God himself to avoid you.
Consider avoiding me over breakfast?
Sorry, but as is tradition
on the day before my birthday...
...I'm heading to the jewelers
to put some pieces on hold--
Nate? I don't think he'll be singing
"Happy Birthday" this year.
No one knows that Nate and I broke up.
It's gonna stay that way so I can fix this.
I don't think he'd still be
your friend if he knew.
If he knew how much I enjoyed
the removal of a certain chastity belt...
...in the back of this very limo?
From this moment on,
the events of last night...
...will never be mentioned again,
is that clear?
Not as clear as the memory
of you purring in my ear...
...which I have been replaying
over and over.
Well, erase the tape, because as far as
I'm concerned, it never happened.
-I'll see you at your party tonight.
-You're uninvited.
Never stopped me before.
GOSSIP GIRL:
Speak of the devil and he doth appear...
...wearing his trademark scarf.
Careful, B.
Hell hath no fury
like a Chuck Bass scorned.
-Hey, Dad.
-Hi, honey.
How was Hudson? Your mother must have
been kind of surprised to see you.
Yeah, she was.
-Hi, Rufus.
-Alison.
What are you doing here?
Well, I asked her to come.
You know, I thought you guys could talk.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Or not.
I know it wasn't my place...
-...to ask Mom to come back--
-Jenny--
It's your life, I get that,
but it's my life too.
I felt that nothing's gonna change
if someone doesn't--
Jenny.
Stop. Breathe.
I'm not angry.
-You're not?
-Not at you.
Well, you can't get un-angry at mom
if she's in Hudson and you're here, Dad.
[SIGHS]
I mean, nothing's ever gonna change
if you're not in the same room.
Can't you just give it a chance?
Not on an empty stomach.
Come. I'll make us breakfast.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Who wants waffles?
You do still like waffles, right, Rufus?
RUFUS:
You know me, Al.
I'm a loyal guy. Once I commit
to something, I stick with it.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I'll get the syrup.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
Would you look at this?
-I just can't believe this.
-Hey, Mom.
-I just got back from the jewelers and--
-Have you seen this?
Since when does drunk and disorderly
get this much attention?
Since never. The Captain is being
charged with embezzlement and fraud.
This is an absolute disaster.
Must be awful for them.
I meant for me.
The Captain is supposed to represent me.
The contracts are about to be signed.
What about my IPO, huh? What is
gonna happen to my Bendel's deal?
-He looks so helpless.
-I have to call my attorney.
I have to put an end to this deal
before it goes any further.
I have to talk to Nate.
I don't know why everybody's making
such a big deal out of this.
It's just a misunderstanding.
It will be cleared up in time.
Yes, it will, at your trial.
This is real, Howard.
The only reason you're not behind bars is
because your wife could afford bail.
I would have paid 10 times that amount.
We'll do everything
to make sure that doesn't happen.
This is not something
to be cavalier about.
It's clearly a setup.
Someone's got an agenda.
-Would you shut up and listen to him?
-Nate.
What exactly do we need to do here?
Remain calm and give them nothing
but a united front as we fight this.
Well, what about some sort of a--?
Some sort of plea?
A plea? You think I'm guilty?
Dad, it's just a question.
-How would that work exactly?
-It wouldn't.
Nate, I'm sure you're very tired,
and this is a conversation for adults.
Why don't you go get some rest,
sweetheart?
[SCOFFS]
Hey, Dad, Jenny.
[UTENSILS CLINKING]
And-- And Mom.
Hi, honey.
Well, look at this.
The whole family's together.
Eating waffles.
-Want one?
-You bet.
Just one question:
Am I the only one who thinks
this is extremely weird?
I mean, given everything.
Dan, just forget about it.
-If Dad can let it go, so can you.
-What do you mean let it go?
-You know, the guy in Hudson.
-You told her?
-No, I didn't tell her. Rufus?
-I would never.
-I overheard Dan and Dad talking.
-He heard us arguing on the phone.
If you wanna keep secrets, maybe we
should move to a place with more walls.
[DOOR SLAMS]
It's always good to give him a while.
Yeah. No, I-- I knew that.
I can't believe he told her
you guys were gonna do it.
-Well, I told you.
-That's different, I'm a girl.
-Yeah, well, so is she.
-Exactly my point.
Even if she wasn't,
when you get a boyfriend...
...you become the best friend
and the best friend becomes the second.
That's just how it has to be
if it's ever gonna work.
Hey, you still haven't told me
how Nate's doing.
It's all over the news.
When I talked to him this morning,
I told him to focus on his family today.
But he's still coming to your party, right?
Here.
I told him not to worry about it.
I mean, only if he's up to it.
You're such a good girlfriend, B.
Really.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, I'll just pick you up
and we can go together.
But I really hope Nate can make it.
[THE VIRGINS' "RICH GIRLS"
PLAYING OVER EARPHONES]
ANNE [MUFFLED]:
Here you are.
I've been looking everywhere for you.
I was up in your room...
...calling your name to come and eat.
Nate, take your earphones out?
Take your earphones out.
Nathaniel,
I've been calling you for 20 minutes.
I'm sorry. What is it?
[ANNE SIGHS]
Blair's birthday party is tonight, isn't it?
Yeah.
I was thinking maybe you should give her
something special.
I'm sure she's picked out something at
the jewelry store and put it on hold. Heh.
Something more special than that.
Mom, that's a family heirloom.
I'm not giving it to Blair.
It's an engagement ring.
I'm not asking you to propose.
But it's important that Blair knows
how much you value her loyalty.
Her loyalty or her mother's?
Eleanor's lawyers may have called.
What difference does it make?
One day we'll all be family
and they won't have a choice.
Blair and I broke up last night.
Well, then get back together.
I don't think so.
May I remind you it was your rash actions
that got us into this predicament.
We're in this predicament
because Dad has a drug problem.
-I was trying to help him.
-Then help him.
Your father's acting the way that he is
because he's scared.
He needs you so much right now,
more than he ever has.
We all do.
GOSSIP GIRL:
Whoever thought monarchy was dead...
...didn't realize it just changed zip codes.
So, what will it be, Nate?
Blair Waldorf's hand
or your father's head?
[PHONE RINGING]
Hi. Are you okay?
I've been texting you all day.
Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks.
I've just been a little busy.
I just wanted to check on you.
See if you need anything.
Yeah, I kind of do.
-Oh?
-Um....
Blair, do you think we've been
a little hasty with the whole breakup?
I don't know, Nate.
It was a pretty difficult decision.
Yeah, look, I totally understand.
I'm sorry.
I-- I shouldn't have brought it up.
But we do have a lot of history together.
It was in the heat of the moment.
But you'd have to be willing
to really work for it.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Listen, we'll take it slow
and see how it goes.
And I've got a birthday present for you.
It's something special.
I can't wait to open it at my party.
I'll see you there.
[LINE DISCONNECTS]
Hi, this is Blair Waldorf.
I was wondering if any of the pieces
that I put on hold were picked up today.
The diamond necklace, really?
[CHUCKLES]
Okay. Thank you.
[SQUEALS]
Thank you.
[LAUGHS]
Thank you. Thank you.
Hey.
Can we talk?
[SIGHS]
Well, that depends.
Are you back for good?
I don't know.
Your father and I haven't had
a chance to talk.
Well, do you want to come back...
...or do you wanna live in Hudson
with neighbor guy?
Okay, look, Dan,
I understand that you're mad, all right?
-And I'm not gonna defend what I did--
-No, you don't get it, do you?
You think I'm only mad
about the cheating?
Okay, what else?
[SIGHS]
Maybe that you promised you'd be home
by the end of summer and you weren't.
Or maybe the fact that you left at all.
I asked you if you were okay
with me going away...
...and I'd hoped if there was a problem
you would say something.
Like what?
Your daughter's a freshman at a school
populated by mean girls and date rapists...
...I think she needs her mom?
Or maybe my father is
madly in love with you...
...and will probably never get over this?
[SIGHS]
Why should I have to tell you this?
RUFUS: Where are you going?
-Out. I'll call later.
[DOOR OPENS]
Well, that went well.
[DOOR CLOSES]
I'm going out also.
There's something I need to do.
-Need help?
-Can I help you?
JENNY:
No, I'm good. Thanks.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Come on, man. I can hear you breathing
on the other side of the door.
Is she anybody you can get rid of?
I really need to talk to you, man, please.
Nathaniel.
-Where's the girl?
-In my dreams, I was trying to get sleep.
-What's on your mind?
-It's my mom.
Sounds Freudian.
[SIGHS]
-She wants me to give Blair her ring.
-What?
You guys broke up.
Yeah, I know.
I mean-- Wait, how do you know?
Predictably, your ex ran
the old grill-the-best-friend play.
Tried to find out where your head
was at.
So where--? Where is your head?
Phew. Spinning. My mom wants me
to get back with Blair...
...so Eleanor doesn't pull out of
their business deal.
[SIGHS]
It's all because of my dad's
whole trial thing, you know.
Yeah, I'm sorry about all that.
But look,
if you're done with Blair, be done.
Don't cave to your parents' wishes
if they're not your desires.
Excuse me, where's my boy?
Seal the deal, tap that a*s,
money marries bigger money.
I care about three things, Nathaniel:
Money, the pleasures money brings me
and you.
I'm just trying to have your back here.
Your parents controlled you your whole
life. If it doesn't end now, when will it?
[PUFFY AMIYUMI'S "NICE BUDDY"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[GUESTS CHATTERING]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
[BOTH LAUGH]
-Hey.
-Hi, Serena, Blair.
BOTH:
Happy birthday.
Oh, my God.
Kati, your brother's place is fabulous.
-Yeah, I know, right?
-I know, it's incredible.
Come on, let's check it out.
[SUSHI CHEF AND SERENA
SPEAK IN JAPANESE]
BLAIR:
Thank you.
-Hey, so where's Nate?
-Um....
I'm sure he'll be here soon.
What about Dan?
He said he's coming, but I haven't
talked to him since this morning.
Well, you better check in on him.
Make sure the best friend hasn't
whisked him away to do friendly activity.
-Shut up.
-Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, there's Chuck.
I bet he knows where Nate is.
Nate probably snuck in
while we were dancing.
SERENA:
Chuck.
[SIGHS]
Well, thanks for listening to me
complain about my family.
Look, I know it's hard right now
but your family's one of the good ones.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Your parents love each other.
They'll figure it out.
And in the meantime, you've got me.
DAN:
Um....
Actually, I was gonna go
meet up with Serena.
Oh, sure. Have fun.
I will.
What are we doing?
I thought you said
we weren't doing anything.
I like Serena and I like you.
And she likes me and you like me.
So how can you not like each other?
It's mathematically impossible.
Who said I didn't? I just don't know her.
You're making a real effort
to change that.
I mean, why spend five minutes
trying to be nice to Serena...
...when I can spend day after day forced
to choose between the two of you?
Okay, fine.
Wanna see me get my nice on?
Let's do it tonight.
Just you, me and Serena.
Um....
Tonight--
Tonight is Blair Waldorf's birthday party.
I think we might wanna
start by dipping a toe...
...rather than diving off of a cliff head
first into the rocks with the sharks.
Why? We all know how to swim.
Come on. You wanna do this?
Let's do it.
You ready for your present? Ow!
If you wanted to play rough,
all you had to do was ask.
GIRL: Hey, Blair.
-Hi.
Hello there. Happy birthday to me.
You nauseate me.
All this talk about how you have to be
with Nate or the world will end.
Face it, it's over.
You sound like a jealous boyfriend.
Yeah, right. You wish.
[LAUGHS]
No, you wish.
Please. You forget who you're talking to.
So do you.
Do you like me?
Define like.
Oh. Uh--
You've got to be kidding.
I do not believe this.
How do you think I feel?
I haven't slept, I feel sick...
...like there's something
in my stomach fluttering.
Butterflies?
Oh, no, no, no. This is not happening.
Believe me, no one is more surprised
or ashamed than I am.
Chuck, you know that I adore
all of God's creatures...
...and the metaphors they inspire...
...but those butterflies
have got to be m*rder*d.
Fine.
-It wasn't that great, anyway.
-Thanks.
[NATE SIGHS]
Jenny.
-Oh, hi, Nate.
-Hey.
I told Blair and I shouldn't have.
I'm sorry.
Oh, about what happened at the ball,
it's not your fault.
[SIGHS]
So how have things been
between you guys?
Strange.
But again, not your fault.
So you gonna go inside?
I was planning on it.
But now that I'm here, I'm not so sure.
Yeah, me neither.
Blair invited me before our fight...
...and I was gonna run in
and give her this card...
-...which says "I'm sorry," like, 30 times.
-Ha-ha-ha.
Maybe you could
deliver it for me, though?
Uh....
Do you wanna go
take a walk or something?
With you?
Um....
What would Blair think?
Well, Blair's up there.
Unless, of course, you wanna go.
It's up to you.
A walk sounds good.
Thank you.
GIRL 1: Hey, you.
GIRL 2: Ha-ha-ha.
How are you?
Dan, you're here.
And--
And you brought Vanessa.
Hey, good to see you.
Um.... Kati and Is, you know Dan.
Blair, this is Dan's friend, Vanessa.
Wow.
You didn't mention they were so nice.
Now I get it.
Oh, sweetie,
you did not tell me she looked like that.
This is such a problem.
Rufus, I'm sorry.
I know that you're upset.
You're getting that, huh?
Can you please talk to me, please?
I only have one question and I'm sure
I don't wanna hear the answer.
It happened one time
and I wish it hadn't and it's over.
Then why did our daughter have to go
to Hudson and drag you back here?
Because when we spoke on the phone...
...I didn't get the impression
you wanted to see me.
-I thought I should give you some space.
-This family has had way too much space.
You never should have left.
Can we not go through this thing again?
Please, you know that I wasn't happy.
-Yeah, you happy now?
-In some ways, I am.
[SIGHS]
-I know you don't wanna hear that.
-Don't act like you care what I want.
[SCOFFS]
Rufus, I was there for you...
...when you were all about your music...
...when you were on the road
for months at a time...
...and everything that went with that.
My whole adult life has been about you.
[VOICE BREAKING]
And now I'm the one that's screwed up.
I guess I was a late bloomer...
...and I just need you
to care enough about me to try.
[CHUCKLES]
Alison.
I care.
[SIGHS]
I care.
Stalk me much?
What are you still doing up here
all alone?
[SIGHS]
I don't know where Nate is and he always
calls me at midnight on my birthday.
Well, I wouldn't count on it tonight.
Doesn't it strike you as a coincidence,
the timing of everything?
-What do you mean?
-Well...
...Nate suddenly decides
he wants to get back together...
...just moments after your mother puts
the brakes on her deal with The Captain.
So you're saying that Nate
is only pretending to like me...
...and that he's actually using me
to get to my mother.
He wouldn't do that.
Yes, he would.
If it was to help his family,
you know he would.
Nate loves me.
Whatever he's doing, wherever he is,
he will call at midnight, you'll see.
Care to make a wager?
If he calls, I'll leave you alone forever.
If he doesn't,
you spend the night with me.
I will not.
I thought you were sure.
You're gonna lose.
He's never missed my birthday.
GOSSIP GIRL:
Careful, B.
There's no safe wager
when you bet on a Bass.
You just might lose
your shirt and your pants.
[THE VIRGINS' "FERNANDO PANDO"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
So you brought Vanessa
as your date to Blair's party?
No, you're my date. I thought it'd be a
good opportunity for all of us to hang out.
Oh, yeah, because it was so fun and not
awkward at breakfast this morning.
Fine, you're right. I thought this would be
a bad opportunity for us to hang out.
But I kind of suggested to Vanessa she
wasn't making an effort to know you...
...so she decided to start tonight.
But if it's weird, I can go talk to her.
Oh, no, no, no, don't do that.
Look, tell me something Vanessa likes,
besides you...
...and I will make an effort to bond.
-I promise.
-Oh, thank you.
So, what now?
SERENA:
Ever play "Guitar Hero"?
[CROWD CHEERING]
VANESSA: Thank you, thank you.
-She owned you, Serena.
Yeah, you went down almost
as hard as Britney at the VMAs.
Okay, you know, you're good, Vanessa,
I'll admit it...
...but I have been holding back
until now.
Here's a little birdie
that's about to be freed.
[CAST'S "FREEBIRD" PLAYING]
MAN:
Yeah, Serena!
[CROWD CHEERING]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
That's my girl. That's it, right there.
Thank you, thank you.
Who got owned now?
Not bad, but Skynyrd is meat
and potatoes and I'm bringing dessert.
So, what do you say
to a slice of cherry pie?
[COUGHS]
No pie. I say no, I beg you.
Come on, nothing like a little '80s
hair metal to put a smile on your face...
...after the day you've had.
The day you've had?
What kind of a day have you had?
You didn't tell her?
No. No, not yet, not yet.
It was kind of an odd day
at the Humphrey lofts.
Actually, Jenny brought my mom home.
Your mom's back?
-Yeah.
-Will you excuse me?
I can't believe you didn't tell me
your mom came home.
I'm sorry, really.
-What, you didn't think it was important?
-No, no, of course it is.
Why bother? You already told Vanessa.
I tell Vanessa everything, all right?
I have since I was 6.
Well, you're not 6 anymore, Dan.
I just--
I was just hoping that I would be the
person you'd wanna tell these things to.
I want you to be that person too.
Really, I do.
This whole girlfriend thing
is very new to me, you know?
I just....
I don't know all the rules yet.
Blair says in a relationship,
the best friend--
Serena, are we really taking
relationship advice from Blair?
Ugh.
Good point.
Look, I just don't wanna have
to compete with Vanessa.
You know, with "Guitar Hero," okay...
...I'm way more awesome
if you didn't happen to notice.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
But not with you.
That's fair.
All right, so tomorrow, you and I will go
somewhere together, just the two of us...
...and we'll talk about my family
in excruciating detail...
...until you are so bored,
you're begging for Vanessa to take over.
-How's that sound?
-Perfect.
[CHUCKLES]
-Come on. It's almost midnight.
-What happens at midnight?
I heard about your dad.
I'm sorry.
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
my family's not doing that great either.
I didn't wanna come to Blair's party...
...as much as I wanted to
get out of my house.
Yeah, I know the feeling.
Blair's birthday present.
Your mother's ring.
Blair told me about it.
Wow, it's beautiful.
I'm supposed to give it to Blair tonight.
I'm guessing that wasn't your idea.
[SIGHS]
Blair and I broke up.
And I know it was the right thing to do.
We just shouldn't be together right now,
you know?
-Sounds like you're pretty sure of that.
-I am.
As much as I wanna do the right thing
and help out my parents, it's just--
It's not fair.
I mean, to me or to Blair.
I just think that if I do this now...
...when does it ever stop?
It would only stop when you stop it.
Twelve-oh-one.
I'm sorry.
No, you're smarmy. There's a difference.
If you're coming to collect,
you can forget it.
Turn around.
You get grosser by the second.
You get older. Look.
GIRLS:
Happy birthday!
Ha-ha! Come on, blow out your candles.
Make a wish, Blair.
Make a wish.
[VOICE BREAKING]
It already didn't come true.
GOSSIP GIRL:
Happy birthday to who?
Forget cake and ice cream,
I'm saving room for just desserts.
Looks like Chuck's wish
might come true.
Hey.
So I don't know how it was possible...
...given how the day started,
but I actually had kind of a good night.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
-Your parents won't be mad you're late?
-No, they think I'm with a friend.
Oh. Well, they think right.
[CAMERA CLICKS]
I had fun. Heh-heh.
Me too.
You have a good night.
GOSSIP GIRL:
Spotted...
...Nate Archibald depositing
a mystery girl in a taxi after midnight.
All we know about her for sure...
...she's not Blair Waldorf.
[CELL PHONE CHIMING]
Oh, my God.
Maybe she's wrong.
It wouldn't be the first time.
GIRL:
I can't believe Gossip Girl would do....
SERENA:
Blair.
Hey, I'm so sorry.
I never thought that this would happen.
-I hope the sl*t gave him herpes.
-A cheater deserves herpes.
He isn't cheating.
We broke up, okay?
He was gonna get back together with me,
but only so my mom would help his dad.
You satisfied?
Blair.
Blair.
Blair, stop. You can talk to me.
[CRYING]
We ended it.
I wanted to tell you,
but that part of me thought that...
...if I didn't say it out loud
that it wouldn't be true.
Shh. Shh.
[CRYING]
It was my birthday wish,
for us to get back together.
But now I think it's really over.
Oh, Blair. Shh.
Is it okay if I just wanna be alone
for a second?
[DOOR SLAMS]
Nate, hey.
What are you doing home so early?
It's after midnight.
We just thought you'd be with Blair.
How did she like her gift?
I didn't make it to the party tonight.
Well, her actual birthday is today.
Call her in the morning,
take her to lunch.
It's a good plan.
Really more special this way.
Dad, I know you think Blair will help
save you, but I'm not doing this.
-It's over.
-Nate.
There's nothing I wouldn't do
to protect our family...
...and I'm sure you feel the same.
I need your support here, son,
and your trust.
[SCOFFS]
Well, you better hope for your sake
they don't call your son to the stand.
[CHUCKLES]
God, I have missed your smile.
-I've missed everything.
-Mm.
[KEYS JINGLING, FOOTSTEPS]
Please tell me that is someone
coming to rob the house.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.
Hey, Jenny.
As you were.
[CHUCKLING]
[THE VIRGINS' "RADIO CHRISTINE"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Your friend gonna be okay?
I'm not sure.
She broke up with her boyfriend...
...and then they got back together and
then I don't know what just happened.
Oh. She's lucky to have you.
Being a good friend is--
Challenging at times.
Hey, if I've been acting
however I've been acting...
...it's because I'm protective of Dan.
And I'm protective of our relationship.
I've never actually had one before.
You guys just have everything in common
and I'm just getting to know him.
So, you know,
it can be a little intimidating.
Talk about intimidating?
You just admitted
that you find me intimidating.
So how cool does that make you?
[BOTH LAUGH]
I think you forgot to mention
my superior "Guitar Hero" skills.
No, I didn't forget that.
At the next party, I'm asking for a
rematch. You were about to get smoked.
Oh, really?
I think the only thing getting smoked...
...is your pale imitation of a guitar player.
Hey, I am a golden god.
Oh-h*. Really? Are you now?
Hey, am I interrupting anything?
Actually, you are.
I'll give you guys a moment.
Might that have been bonding
that I walked in on?
-A little bit.
-Yeah?
-What were you talking about?
-Nothing you need to know about.
So you have secrets now. I see.
If you wanna get out of here, Vanessa
can only fit two on her Vespa. I can walk.
Oh, well, you know I love me a Vespa...
...but I think I gotta stay here,
be with Blair.
You're not the only one
with a best friend.
Right.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm not in the mood, Chuck.
This is pretty much
the worst birthday ever.
Maybe it can be salvaged.
What is that? Our sex tape?
It's the Erickson Beamon necklace.
No, I couldn't.
Yes, you can.
Something this beautiful...
...deserves to be seen on someone
worthy of its beauty.
I really am sorry.
GOSSIP GIRL:
Spotted, B turning a year older...
...but not necessarily wiser.
Guess Chuck's the gift
that keeps on giving.
Blow out your candles, B.
This will be better in the dark.
XOXO, Gossip Girl.
WOMAN:
Where has she been?
GOSSIP GIRL:
And who am I?
That's one secret I'll never tell.
You know you love me. XOXO...
...Gossip Girl.
GOSSIP GIRL:
According to the Catholic Church...
...mortal sin can only be absolved
through the sacred act of confession.
But it looks like a certain Wasp princess
has recently found herself...
...desperately in need
of a little unburdening.
And who is the man upstairs
to discriminate?
BLAIR:
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
It's been a while
since my last confession.
What troubles you, my child?
[SIGHS]
After being broken up with my
boyfriend for exactly 20 minutes...
...I succumbed to inebriation,
performed at a speakeasy...
...and surrendered my virtue
to a self-absorbed a*s.
The good news is that he's a pig who'll
act like it never happened. Thank God.
PRIEST: Ahem.
-Sorry.
-Truthfully, I'm not even Catholic.
-You don't say.
But losing my virginity to Chuck Bass?
None of my friends will ever understand.
I'm ready for my punishment.
Whatever you and God think is fair.
Flogging, fasting...
...putting that thing with the teeth
around my thigh like Silas?
How about some food
for thought instead?
Don't drink, keep your clothes on...
...try avoiding
those who might cause you to stray.
Oh, I plan to.
Thank you, Father.
It was very good advice.
You don't grant birthday wishes, do you?
PRIEST:
I'm a priest, not a genie.
Well, the next time you talk to him...
...would you ask him
to send my boyfriend back to me?
-Mm. I gotta say--
-No need to say anything.
[GIGGLES]
God, I hate people in love.
VANESSA:
Wow.
[CHUCKLES]
Awkward.
-Vanessa?
-Serena.
-Dan.
-No, no, no. Vanessa's here.
WAITRESS: Ah. Lovebirds ready to order?
-I'll take them.
Hi.
Hi. So you work here now?
I did mention that,
but you've been distracted.
-Vanessa, hi. Nice to see you.
-This time, you're seeing less of me.
Sorry about that...
-...walking in when you were, you know.
-Yep.
So you guys are up early?
What did you do last night?
Oh, my God, I totally didn't mean to pry.
-You're not.
-Why would you think that?
-No reason.
-No reason.
-Did you tell her?
-No, what's to tell?
I know nothing.
But if you did the thing I know nothing
about, then I would totally support that.
Thanks, Vanessa. Good to know,
in the event that should happen.
Oh, it didn't happen?
-I don't know what we're talking about.
-I know I'm lost.
And I should get lost.
It's the first day. I have a lot of tables.
DAN:
Clearly.
[CLEARS THROAT]
So Vanessa works here now.
Yeah, we should make this
our regular spot.
Well, this is the last place
I'd expect to find you.
Go away, Chuck.
I've been given orders practically
from God himself to avoid you.
Consider avoiding me over breakfast?
Sorry, but as is tradition
on the day before my birthday...
...I'm heading to the jewelers
to put some pieces on hold--
Nate? I don't think he'll be singing
"Happy Birthday" this year.
No one knows that Nate and I broke up.
It's gonna stay that way so I can fix this.
I don't think he'd still be
your friend if he knew.
If he knew how much I enjoyed
the removal of a certain chastity belt...
...in the back of this very limo?
From this moment on,
the events of last night...
...will never be mentioned again,
is that clear?
Not as clear as the memory
of you purring in my ear...
...which I have been replaying
over and over.
Well, erase the tape, because as far as
I'm concerned, it never happened.
-I'll see you at your party tonight.
-You're uninvited.
Never stopped me before.
GOSSIP GIRL:
Speak of the devil and he doth appear...
...wearing his trademark scarf.
Careful, B.
Hell hath no fury
like a Chuck Bass scorned.
-Hey, Dad.
-Hi, honey.
How was Hudson? Your mother must have
been kind of surprised to see you.
Yeah, she was.
-Hi, Rufus.
-Alison.
What are you doing here?
Well, I asked her to come.
You know, I thought you guys could talk.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Or not.
I know it wasn't my place...
-...to ask Mom to come back--
-Jenny--
It's your life, I get that,
but it's my life too.
I felt that nothing's gonna change
if someone doesn't--
Jenny.
Stop. Breathe.
I'm not angry.
-You're not?
-Not at you.
Well, you can't get un-angry at mom
if she's in Hudson and you're here, Dad.
[SIGHS]
I mean, nothing's ever gonna change
if you're not in the same room.
Can't you just give it a chance?
Not on an empty stomach.
Come. I'll make us breakfast.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Who wants waffles?
You do still like waffles, right, Rufus?
RUFUS:
You know me, Al.
I'm a loyal guy. Once I commit
to something, I stick with it.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I'll get the syrup.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
Would you look at this?
-I just can't believe this.
-Hey, Mom.
-I just got back from the jewelers and--
-Have you seen this?
Since when does drunk and disorderly
get this much attention?
Since never. The Captain is being
charged with embezzlement and fraud.
This is an absolute disaster.
Must be awful for them.
I meant for me.
The Captain is supposed to represent me.
The contracts are about to be signed.
What about my IPO, huh? What is
gonna happen to my Bendel's deal?
-He looks so helpless.
-I have to call my attorney.
I have to put an end to this deal
before it goes any further.
I have to talk to Nate.
I don't know why everybody's making
such a big deal out of this.
It's just a misunderstanding.
It will be cleared up in time.
Yes, it will, at your trial.
This is real, Howard.
The only reason you're not behind bars is
because your wife could afford bail.
I would have paid 10 times that amount.
We'll do everything
to make sure that doesn't happen.
This is not something
to be cavalier about.
It's clearly a setup.
Someone's got an agenda.
-Would you shut up and listen to him?
-Nate.
What exactly do we need to do here?
Remain calm and give them nothing
but a united front as we fight this.
Well, what about some sort of a--?
Some sort of plea?
A plea? You think I'm guilty?
Dad, it's just a question.
-How would that work exactly?
-It wouldn't.
Nate, I'm sure you're very tired,
and this is a conversation for adults.
Why don't you go get some rest,
sweetheart?
[SCOFFS]
Hey, Dad, Jenny.
[UTENSILS CLINKING]
And-- And Mom.
Hi, honey.
Well, look at this.
The whole family's together.
Eating waffles.
-Want one?
-You bet.
Just one question:
Am I the only one who thinks
this is extremely weird?
I mean, given everything.
Dan, just forget about it.
-If Dad can let it go, so can you.
-What do you mean let it go?
-You know, the guy in Hudson.
-You told her?
-No, I didn't tell her. Rufus?
-I would never.
-I overheard Dan and Dad talking.
-He heard us arguing on the phone.
If you wanna keep secrets, maybe we
should move to a place with more walls.
[DOOR SLAMS]
It's always good to give him a while.
Yeah. No, I-- I knew that.
I can't believe he told her
you guys were gonna do it.
-Well, I told you.
-That's different, I'm a girl.
-Yeah, well, so is she.
-Exactly my point.
Even if she wasn't,
when you get a boyfriend...
...you become the best friend
and the best friend becomes the second.
That's just how it has to be
if it's ever gonna work.
Hey, you still haven't told me
how Nate's doing.
It's all over the news.
When I talked to him this morning,
I told him to focus on his family today.
But he's still coming to your party, right?
Here.
I told him not to worry about it.
I mean, only if he's up to it.
You're such a good girlfriend, B.
Really.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, I'll just pick you up
and we can go together.
But I really hope Nate can make it.
[THE VIRGINS' "RICH GIRLS"
PLAYING OVER EARPHONES]
ANNE [MUFFLED]:
Here you are.
I've been looking everywhere for you.
I was up in your room...
...calling your name to come and eat.
Nate, take your earphones out?
Take your earphones out.
Nathaniel,
I've been calling you for 20 minutes.
I'm sorry. What is it?
[ANNE SIGHS]
Blair's birthday party is tonight, isn't it?
Yeah.
I was thinking maybe you should give her
something special.
I'm sure she's picked out something at
the jewelry store and put it on hold. Heh.
Something more special than that.
Mom, that's a family heirloom.
I'm not giving it to Blair.
It's an engagement ring.
I'm not asking you to propose.
But it's important that Blair knows
how much you value her loyalty.
Her loyalty or her mother's?
Eleanor's lawyers may have called.
What difference does it make?
One day we'll all be family
and they won't have a choice.
Blair and I broke up last night.
Well, then get back together.
I don't think so.
May I remind you it was your rash actions
that got us into this predicament.
We're in this predicament
because Dad has a drug problem.
-I was trying to help him.
-Then help him.
Your father's acting the way that he is
because he's scared.
He needs you so much right now,
more than he ever has.
We all do.
GOSSIP GIRL:
Whoever thought monarchy was dead...
...didn't realize it just changed zip codes.
So, what will it be, Nate?
Blair Waldorf's hand
or your father's head?
[PHONE RINGING]
Hi. Are you okay?
I've been texting you all day.
Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks.
I've just been a little busy.
I just wanted to check on you.
See if you need anything.
Yeah, I kind of do.
-Oh?
-Um....
Blair, do you think we've been
a little hasty with the whole breakup?
I don't know, Nate.
It was a pretty difficult decision.
Yeah, look, I totally understand.
I'm sorry.
I-- I shouldn't have brought it up.
But we do have a lot of history together.
It was in the heat of the moment.
But you'd have to be willing
to really work for it.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Listen, we'll take it slow
and see how it goes.
And I've got a birthday present for you.
It's something special.
I can't wait to open it at my party.
I'll see you there.
[LINE DISCONNECTS]
Hi, this is Blair Waldorf.
I was wondering if any of the pieces
that I put on hold were picked up today.
The diamond necklace, really?
[CHUCKLES]
Okay. Thank you.
[SQUEALS]
Thank you.
[LAUGHS]
Thank you. Thank you.
Hey.
Can we talk?
[SIGHS]
Well, that depends.
Are you back for good?
I don't know.
Your father and I haven't had
a chance to talk.
Well, do you want to come back...
...or do you wanna live in Hudson
with neighbor guy?
Okay, look, Dan,
I understand that you're mad, all right?
-And I'm not gonna defend what I did--
-No, you don't get it, do you?
You think I'm only mad
about the cheating?
Okay, what else?
[SIGHS]
Maybe that you promised you'd be home
by the end of summer and you weren't.
Or maybe the fact that you left at all.
I asked you if you were okay
with me going away...
...and I'd hoped if there was a problem
you would say something.
Like what?
Your daughter's a freshman at a school
populated by mean girls and date rapists...
...I think she needs her mom?
Or maybe my father is
madly in love with you...
...and will probably never get over this?
[SIGHS]
Why should I have to tell you this?
RUFUS: Where are you going?
-Out. I'll call later.
[DOOR OPENS]
Well, that went well.
[DOOR CLOSES]
I'm going out also.
There's something I need to do.
-Need help?
-Can I help you?
JENNY:
No, I'm good. Thanks.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Come on, man. I can hear you breathing
on the other side of the door.
Is she anybody you can get rid of?
I really need to talk to you, man, please.
Nathaniel.
-Where's the girl?
-In my dreams, I was trying to get sleep.
-What's on your mind?
-It's my mom.
Sounds Freudian.
[SIGHS]
-She wants me to give Blair her ring.
-What?
You guys broke up.
Yeah, I know.
I mean-- Wait, how do you know?
Predictably, your ex ran
the old grill-the-best-friend play.
Tried to find out where your head
was at.
So where--? Where is your head?
Phew. Spinning. My mom wants me
to get back with Blair...
...so Eleanor doesn't pull out of
their business deal.
[SIGHS]
It's all because of my dad's
whole trial thing, you know.
Yeah, I'm sorry about all that.
But look,
if you're done with Blair, be done.
Don't cave to your parents' wishes
if they're not your desires.
Excuse me, where's my boy?
Seal the deal, tap that a*s,
money marries bigger money.
I care about three things, Nathaniel:
Money, the pleasures money brings me
and you.
I'm just trying to have your back here.
Your parents controlled you your whole
life. If it doesn't end now, when will it?
[PUFFY AMIYUMI'S "NICE BUDDY"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[GUESTS CHATTERING]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
[BOTH LAUGH]
-Hey.
-Hi, Serena, Blair.
BOTH:
Happy birthday.
Oh, my God.
Kati, your brother's place is fabulous.
-Yeah, I know, right?
-I know, it's incredible.
Come on, let's check it out.
[SUSHI CHEF AND SERENA
SPEAK IN JAPANESE]
BLAIR:
Thank you.
-Hey, so where's Nate?
-Um....
I'm sure he'll be here soon.
What about Dan?
He said he's coming, but I haven't
talked to him since this morning.
Well, you better check in on him.
Make sure the best friend hasn't
whisked him away to do friendly activity.
-Shut up.
-Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, there's Chuck.
I bet he knows where Nate is.
Nate probably snuck in
while we were dancing.
SERENA:
Chuck.
[SIGHS]
Well, thanks for listening to me
complain about my family.
Look, I know it's hard right now
but your family's one of the good ones.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Your parents love each other.
They'll figure it out.
And in the meantime, you've got me.
DAN:
Um....
Actually, I was gonna go
meet up with Serena.
Oh, sure. Have fun.
I will.
What are we doing?
I thought you said
we weren't doing anything.
I like Serena and I like you.
And she likes me and you like me.
So how can you not like each other?
It's mathematically impossible.
Who said I didn't? I just don't know her.
You're making a real effort
to change that.
I mean, why spend five minutes
trying to be nice to Serena...
...when I can spend day after day forced
to choose between the two of you?
Okay, fine.
Wanna see me get my nice on?
Let's do it tonight.
Just you, me and Serena.
Um....
Tonight--
Tonight is Blair Waldorf's birthday party.
I think we might wanna
start by dipping a toe...
...rather than diving off of a cliff head
first into the rocks with the sharks.
Why? We all know how to swim.
Come on. You wanna do this?
Let's do it.
You ready for your present? Ow!
If you wanted to play rough,
all you had to do was ask.
GIRL: Hey, Blair.
-Hi.
Hello there. Happy birthday to me.
You nauseate me.
All this talk about how you have to be
with Nate or the world will end.
Face it, it's over.
You sound like a jealous boyfriend.
Yeah, right. You wish.
[LAUGHS]
No, you wish.
Please. You forget who you're talking to.
So do you.
Do you like me?
Define like.
Oh. Uh--
You've got to be kidding.
I do not believe this.
How do you think I feel?
I haven't slept, I feel sick...
...like there's something
in my stomach fluttering.
Butterflies?
Oh, no, no, no. This is not happening.
Believe me, no one is more surprised
or ashamed than I am.
Chuck, you know that I adore
all of God's creatures...
...and the metaphors they inspire...
...but those butterflies
have got to be m*rder*d.
Fine.
-It wasn't that great, anyway.
-Thanks.
[NATE SIGHS]
Jenny.
-Oh, hi, Nate.
-Hey.
I told Blair and I shouldn't have.
I'm sorry.
Oh, about what happened at the ball,
it's not your fault.
[SIGHS]
So how have things been
between you guys?
Strange.
But again, not your fault.
So you gonna go inside?
I was planning on it.
But now that I'm here, I'm not so sure.
Yeah, me neither.
Blair invited me before our fight...
...and I was gonna run in
and give her this card...
-...which says "I'm sorry," like, 30 times.
-Ha-ha-ha.
Maybe you could
deliver it for me, though?
Uh....
Do you wanna go
take a walk or something?
With you?
Um....
What would Blair think?
Well, Blair's up there.
Unless, of course, you wanna go.
It's up to you.
A walk sounds good.
Thank you.
GIRL 1: Hey, you.
GIRL 2: Ha-ha-ha.
How are you?
Dan, you're here.
And--
And you brought Vanessa.
Hey, good to see you.
Um.... Kati and Is, you know Dan.
Blair, this is Dan's friend, Vanessa.
Wow.
You didn't mention they were so nice.
Now I get it.
Oh, sweetie,
you did not tell me she looked like that.
This is such a problem.
Rufus, I'm sorry.
I know that you're upset.
You're getting that, huh?
Can you please talk to me, please?
I only have one question and I'm sure
I don't wanna hear the answer.
It happened one time
and I wish it hadn't and it's over.
Then why did our daughter have to go
to Hudson and drag you back here?
Because when we spoke on the phone...
...I didn't get the impression
you wanted to see me.
-I thought I should give you some space.
-This family has had way too much space.
You never should have left.
Can we not go through this thing again?
Please, you know that I wasn't happy.
-Yeah, you happy now?
-In some ways, I am.
[SIGHS]
-I know you don't wanna hear that.
-Don't act like you care what I want.
[SCOFFS]
Rufus, I was there for you...
...when you were all about your music...
...when you were on the road
for months at a time...
...and everything that went with that.
My whole adult life has been about you.
[VOICE BREAKING]
And now I'm the one that's screwed up.
I guess I was a late bloomer...
...and I just need you
to care enough about me to try.
[CHUCKLES]
Alison.
I care.
[SIGHS]
I care.
Stalk me much?
What are you still doing up here
all alone?
[SIGHS]
I don't know where Nate is and he always
calls me at midnight on my birthday.
Well, I wouldn't count on it tonight.
Doesn't it strike you as a coincidence,
the timing of everything?
-What do you mean?
-Well...
...Nate suddenly decides
he wants to get back together...
...just moments after your mother puts
the brakes on her deal with The Captain.
So you're saying that Nate
is only pretending to like me...
...and that he's actually using me
to get to my mother.
He wouldn't do that.
Yes, he would.
If it was to help his family,
you know he would.
Nate loves me.
Whatever he's doing, wherever he is,
he will call at midnight, you'll see.
Care to make a wager?
If he calls, I'll leave you alone forever.
If he doesn't,
you spend the night with me.
I will not.
I thought you were sure.
You're gonna lose.
He's never missed my birthday.
GOSSIP GIRL:
Careful, B.
There's no safe wager
when you bet on a Bass.
You just might lose
your shirt and your pants.
[THE VIRGINS' "FERNANDO PANDO"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
So you brought Vanessa
as your date to Blair's party?
No, you're my date. I thought it'd be a
good opportunity for all of us to hang out.
Oh, yeah, because it was so fun and not
awkward at breakfast this morning.
Fine, you're right. I thought this would be
a bad opportunity for us to hang out.
But I kind of suggested to Vanessa she
wasn't making an effort to know you...
...so she decided to start tonight.
But if it's weird, I can go talk to her.
Oh, no, no, no, don't do that.
Look, tell me something Vanessa likes,
besides you...
...and I will make an effort to bond.
-I promise.
-Oh, thank you.
So, what now?
SERENA:
Ever play "Guitar Hero"?
[CROWD CHEERING]
VANESSA: Thank you, thank you.
-She owned you, Serena.
Yeah, you went down almost
as hard as Britney at the VMAs.
Okay, you know, you're good, Vanessa,
I'll admit it...
...but I have been holding back
until now.
Here's a little birdie
that's about to be freed.
[CAST'S "FREEBIRD" PLAYING]
MAN:
Yeah, Serena!
[CROWD CHEERING]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
That's my girl. That's it, right there.
Thank you, thank you.
Who got owned now?
Not bad, but Skynyrd is meat
and potatoes and I'm bringing dessert.
So, what do you say
to a slice of cherry pie?
[COUGHS]
No pie. I say no, I beg you.
Come on, nothing like a little '80s
hair metal to put a smile on your face...
...after the day you've had.
The day you've had?
What kind of a day have you had?
You didn't tell her?
No. No, not yet, not yet.
It was kind of an odd day
at the Humphrey lofts.
Actually, Jenny brought my mom home.
Your mom's back?
-Yeah.
-Will you excuse me?
I can't believe you didn't tell me
your mom came home.
I'm sorry, really.
-What, you didn't think it was important?
-No, no, of course it is.
Why bother? You already told Vanessa.
I tell Vanessa everything, all right?
I have since I was 6.
Well, you're not 6 anymore, Dan.
I just--
I was just hoping that I would be the
person you'd wanna tell these things to.
I want you to be that person too.
Really, I do.
This whole girlfriend thing
is very new to me, you know?
I just....
I don't know all the rules yet.
Blair says in a relationship,
the best friend--
Serena, are we really taking
relationship advice from Blair?
Ugh.
Good point.
Look, I just don't wanna have
to compete with Vanessa.
You know, with "Guitar Hero," okay...
...I'm way more awesome
if you didn't happen to notice.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
But not with you.
That's fair.
All right, so tomorrow, you and I will go
somewhere together, just the two of us...
...and we'll talk about my family
in excruciating detail...
...until you are so bored,
you're begging for Vanessa to take over.
-How's that sound?
-Perfect.
[CHUCKLES]
-Come on. It's almost midnight.
-What happens at midnight?
I heard about your dad.
I'm sorry.
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
my family's not doing that great either.
I didn't wanna come to Blair's party...
...as much as I wanted to
get out of my house.
Yeah, I know the feeling.
Blair's birthday present.
Your mother's ring.
Blair told me about it.
Wow, it's beautiful.
I'm supposed to give it to Blair tonight.
I'm guessing that wasn't your idea.
[SIGHS]
Blair and I broke up.
And I know it was the right thing to do.
We just shouldn't be together right now,
you know?
-Sounds like you're pretty sure of that.
-I am.
As much as I wanna do the right thing
and help out my parents, it's just--
It's not fair.
I mean, to me or to Blair.
I just think that if I do this now...
...when does it ever stop?
It would only stop when you stop it.
Twelve-oh-one.
I'm sorry.
No, you're smarmy. There's a difference.
If you're coming to collect,
you can forget it.
Turn around.
You get grosser by the second.
You get older. Look.
GIRLS:
Happy birthday!
Ha-ha! Come on, blow out your candles.
Make a wish, Blair.
Make a wish.
[VOICE BREAKING]
It already didn't come true.
GOSSIP GIRL:
Happy birthday to who?
Forget cake and ice cream,
I'm saving room for just desserts.
Looks like Chuck's wish
might come true.
Hey.
So I don't know how it was possible...
...given how the day started,
but I actually had kind of a good night.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
-Your parents won't be mad you're late?
-No, they think I'm with a friend.
Oh. Well, they think right.
[CAMERA CLICKS]
I had fun. Heh-heh.
Me too.
You have a good night.
GOSSIP GIRL:
Spotted...
...Nate Archibald depositing
a mystery girl in a taxi after midnight.
All we know about her for sure...
...she's not Blair Waldorf.
[CELL PHONE CHIMING]
Oh, my God.
Maybe she's wrong.
It wouldn't be the first time.
GIRL:
I can't believe Gossip Girl would do....
SERENA:
Blair.
Hey, I'm so sorry.
I never thought that this would happen.
-I hope the sl*t gave him herpes.
-A cheater deserves herpes.
He isn't cheating.
We broke up, okay?
He was gonna get back together with me,
but only so my mom would help his dad.
You satisfied?
Blair.
Blair.
Blair, stop. You can talk to me.
[CRYING]
We ended it.
I wanted to tell you,
but that part of me thought that...
...if I didn't say it out loud
that it wouldn't be true.
Shh. Shh.
[CRYING]
It was my birthday wish,
for us to get back together.
But now I think it's really over.
Oh, Blair. Shh.
Is it okay if I just wanna be alone
for a second?
[DOOR SLAMS]
Nate, hey.
What are you doing home so early?
It's after midnight.
We just thought you'd be with Blair.
How did she like her gift?
I didn't make it to the party tonight.
Well, her actual birthday is today.
Call her in the morning,
take her to lunch.
It's a good plan.
Really more special this way.
Dad, I know you think Blair will help
save you, but I'm not doing this.
-It's over.
-Nate.
There's nothing I wouldn't do
to protect our family...
...and I'm sure you feel the same.
I need your support here, son,
and your trust.
[SCOFFS]
Well, you better hope for your sake
they don't call your son to the stand.
[CHUCKLES]
God, I have missed your smile.
-I've missed everything.
-Mm.
[KEYS JINGLING, FOOTSTEPS]
Please tell me that is someone
coming to rob the house.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.
Hey, Jenny.
As you were.
[CHUCKLING]
[THE VIRGINS' "RADIO CHRISTINE"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Your friend gonna be okay?
I'm not sure.
She broke up with her boyfriend...
...and then they got back together and
then I don't know what just happened.
Oh. She's lucky to have you.
Being a good friend is--
Challenging at times.
Hey, if I've been acting
however I've been acting...
...it's because I'm protective of Dan.
And I'm protective of our relationship.
I've never actually had one before.
You guys just have everything in common
and I'm just getting to know him.
So, you know,
it can be a little intimidating.
Talk about intimidating?
You just admitted
that you find me intimidating.
So how cool does that make you?
[BOTH LAUGH]
I think you forgot to mention
my superior "Guitar Hero" skills.
No, I didn't forget that.
At the next party, I'm asking for a
rematch. You were about to get smoked.
Oh, really?
I think the only thing getting smoked...
...is your pale imitation of a guitar player.
Hey, I am a golden god.
Oh-h*. Really? Are you now?
Hey, am I interrupting anything?
Actually, you are.
I'll give you guys a moment.
Might that have been bonding
that I walked in on?
-A little bit.
-Yeah?
-What were you talking about?
-Nothing you need to know about.
So you have secrets now. I see.
If you wanna get out of here, Vanessa
can only fit two on her Vespa. I can walk.
Oh, well, you know I love me a Vespa...
...but I think I gotta stay here,
be with Blair.
You're not the only one
with a best friend.
Right.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm not in the mood, Chuck.
This is pretty much
the worst birthday ever.
Maybe it can be salvaged.
What is that? Our sex tape?
It's the Erickson Beamon necklace.
No, I couldn't.
Yes, you can.
Something this beautiful...
...deserves to be seen on someone
worthy of its beauty.
I really am sorry.
GOSSIP GIRL:
Spotted, B turning a year older...
...but not necessarily wiser.
Guess Chuck's the gift
that keeps on giving.
Blow out your candles, B.
This will be better in the dark.
XOXO, Gossip Girl.