28x01 - Bondage, Butts and Burlesque

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic music playing]

-Cheers.
-Cheers!

-To seven strangers.
-[Marlon] I'm ready to party.

[all] Whoo!

[Averey] I didn't expect to be
so friendly with somebody here.

-[woman 1] He's so sweet and cute.
-[woman 2] Marlon's gonna like her.

[woman 1] What's your biggest distraction?

Women.

[Tyler] You're pretty sexy, you know that?

[Averey] I know who I am,
and you should know who you are.

-[Johnny] I'm a cook.
-And I'm a bartender.

[Anastacia] Me and you met for a reason.

[Nia] I want to know what the catch is
'cause I feel like y'all

-are just too good to be true.
-[Averey] You're a liar!

Don't walk into the living room
that I'm sitting in

-and [bleep] talk to me then.
-You're [bleep] rude.

-Shut the [bleep] up!
-No!

[woman 3] He is out of control.

-[Johnny] You want me to get it?
-[Averey] Wait, wait.

-Get your hands off me right now.
-No.

I will k*ll you.
I will [bleep] end your whole life.

Yo! Yo!

["Weekend Lovers" playing]

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Open doors, neon jungles
Excited eyes can never sleep ♪

♪ Face the distance of the wild
There's so much I have to see ♪

♪ And I am the king of thieves
Who stole the stars ♪

♪ Million-dollar moments are now ours ♪

♪ And I am the king of thieves
Who stole the stars ♪

♪ A million diamonds are now yours ♪

♪ Yours ♪

[music concludes]

[Averey] All right, Dais,
are you ready for this or what?

I'm super excited.
I just want to see my roommates,

and I want to see
where I'm going to be sleeping.

I can't wait.

[cab driver] Summertime,
it's the best place to be.

Yeah? Where I'm from, it's, like, 112.

I currently live in Arizona.
Tempe, actually.

So if you guys want to come here,
I will show you

my wonderful mansion of an apartment.

I do work for Hooters,
as funny as that is.

So this would be normal girl day.

Hooter girl.
Normal girl day. Hooter girl.

Don't be jealous.

This is Daisy. Hi, Daisy.

I brought her because I have no family
where I'm from.

So all I have is really her,
and she is my family.

So it would be really hard to leave her.
So I'm glad she's here.

We're getting close, Dais.

I'm from a small town in Fayetteville.

I live at home with my mom and my stepdad.

I came to Portland

because I'm just looking
to really find myself,

to figure out who Jessica is
outside of the sheltered life

that I've been living.

I'm looking for the girl
who I'm supposed to be meeting,

and a lot of things
are running through my mind.

Is she cute? Is she fat?
Is she skinny? Is she gonna like me?

Is she gonna talk a lot?
Is she gonna be annoying?

Jessica.

-Hi.
-Johnny.

-Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.

Jess is a cute girl. She's cute.

But what is she thinking about me?
I'm always thinking about that.

We are going to the house.

-[Jessica] Okay.
-And I'm navigating.

-[Jessica] Oh. Better you than me.
-[chuckles]

Right away, I want it to be, like, okay,
conversation. Let's start a conversation.

So where did you fly in from?

-Um, North Carolina.
-North Carolina.

Yeah, a small town called Fayetteville.

-Where are you from?
-Bridgewater, Massachusetts,

-just south of Boston.
-Oh, wow.

-Wow.
-Wow.

-Southern.
-What an accent.

I like the Southern thing. I love accents.

That thick,
Northern accent, it's just so hot.

-We gotta take the train.
-Okay.

-I've never been on a train before.
-[Johnny] What?

-[Jessica chuckles]
-[Johnny] Small town, huh?

You play any sports?

-Um, I ride dirt bikes.
-No way.

[Jessica] I might look like a girly girl,
but there's a tomboy inside.

[Jessica] Whoo!

[Jessica] I'm very adventurous.

-Oh, man.
-[man] What did you think, girl?

At first, I thought
I was gonna pee my pants.

-[chuckles]
-[man chuckles]

-[Johnny] Dirt biking's nice.
-[Jessica] It's fun. I love it.

[Johnny] That's a sexy thing for a girl.

My mother asked me, "You better not go
in that house and be a sl*t."

I couldn't believe my mother
called me a sl*t at first.

But I was like, "I don't know,
maybe I'll find a girlfriend there, Ma."

I was like, "Who knows? You don't know."

[both laugh]

[upbeat rock music playing]

I think that's her right there, yo.
She looking good from here.

Yes, these are real,
these double Ds right here.

I have my n*pples pierced.

They are little diamonds,
and they're not hoops.

Don't get me twisted.
I don't have the bull rings.

Let me just show off
some of my pride and joy.

This was about five hours of my life.

Never get side tattoos
because they hurt so bad.

Yeah, it's badass. You can get in closer.

Some guys are intimidated by me
just 'cause, I mean, I'm 5'9"

and I don't think a lot of guys
see that many Asian girls that are tall.

But I don't think it stops them
from trying to approach me at all.

-What's up?
-[Joi] Hi!

Let's do it. Let's do it. Hop in.

[whimsical music playing]

-I'm Joi.
-Hi, Joi. Nice to meet you.

-Joi is sexy, I gotta say.
-Marlon's cute.

-He's got a great body.
-Definitely got the body, tall.

-He's kind of short, but that's okay.
-She's definitely my type.

You ready to do this?

-Let's go. She's excited.
-Let's do it.

-[Marlon] So where you from?
-[Joi] I'm from Seattle.

-Where are you from?
-[Marlon] I'm from Texas.

-I like being in weird environments.
-So you know how to be, like, a gentleman

and have to do the whole… can't…

I don't know if your parents
were like that. Were they strict?

-Yeah.
-My parents were.

I mean, my pops definitely sheltered me
growing up.

My family's super religious.
My dad's a pastor.

You know, his dad's a pastor.

I was that religious kid
that didn't have sex,

didn't do drugs,
went to Bible study, and all that.

I mean, I still partied, though.
Well, when I got to college, it was just…

-What college did you go to?
-I went to Texas Tech.

[Marlon] I played football, so,
you know, I was the man at the time.

So it was just like,
"Hey, what's up, girl?" "Oh, nothing."

You know, "You're Marlon Williams."
"Yeah." "Oh, okay."

They liked the fact that they were
with somebody that's doing something.

[Joi] I hope we're the first ones there.

Yo, first dibs on room,
it's always the best.

["Human" playing]

Get you out first.

[Averey] Hello?

Are we the first ones? Let's go up here.

This is it. This is [bleep] awesome.

Wow, Daisy.

This is way better
than the apartment, huh?

We're scoping out our bedroom first.

We have to hurry up.
We want the best bedroom.

You like this? You like it?
You picked the bed, all right.

[upbeat rock music playing]

A lot of my friends always say,
like, "You do everything."

I've raced motocross since I was nine,

played just about every sport
you can play.

I've won
four different national championships.

Cheerleading. Cheerleading.
I'm a football player,

but I got dared to try out
for the national team and made it.

Four years ago, I picked up
a wakeboard, and it just clicked.

["Live Fast, Die Young" playing]

♪ I want to live fast, die young ♪

♪ I want to cut it up
And have a little fun ♪

[Jordan] It's become
a huge part of my life,

and it's really my passion right now.

These are… Can you see that?

I don't see it
really as a handicap at all.

I would not be half the person I am

if it wasn't for how hard
my dad pushed me.

He told me when I was born,

"You know, you wait for the doctor
to say, 'Everything's okay.'"

And he said that they said,

"Everything's okay,
but he's missing his left hand."

And he just kind of laid down
for a minute,

and he goes, "Well, I just won't let it
hold him back." And they didn't.

["Live Fast, Die Young" playing]

♪ Well before I die
I want to live my life and say I tried ♪

♪ I want to stand up
with my head held high ♪

[music concludes]

-Hello?
-[Jordan] Hello?

[Averey] I'm going to be living with you.

-Are you?
-How are you?

I'm good. How are you?

-Good. I'm Averey.
-My name's Jordan.

-Averey, it's nice to meet you officially.
-Jordan, nice to meet you.

-She's a good-looking girl.
-Good-looking guy. Very good-looking.

This is my dog. Her name's Daisy.

[Jordan] I don't do little dogs.

They're just little ankle biters
who get in your way.

Once she gets used to you,
she'll be your best friend.

-Well, great.
-But that's Daisy.

[Jordan] We even have
a patio and everything?

Oh, you have to have a hot tub.

This is awesome.

-We have our own telephone booth?
-[Averey] A bed.

-Telephone bed.
-[Jordan] Oh.

-And a pool table.
-And a pool table.

[Averey] Yes.

-[Jordan] This place is pretty--
-[Averey] Sick, right?

-[Jordan] Yeah.
-[Averey] I want to meet everyone else.

[soft pop music playing]

I'm 5'11", so I do a lot
of promotional modeling stuff.

In high school, I was kind of,
like, the nerdy, awkward girl.

I was probably 19 when I really blossomed.

I'm a girly girl, mostly,

until I'm arguing.
[chuckles] And then I'm not.

[Averey] Be like, "Welcome."

-Oh, my gosh, I didn't hear you come in.
-Be like, "Oh, it's about time

-that you come."
-[Jordan chuckles]

Hello.

-Hi.
-[Averey] Are you trapped?

We were trying to be cool,
but I don't think it's gonna work out.

[all chuckle]

-Thanks.
-Hi.

-I'm Averey.
-I'm Anastasia.

-Hi. That's a very pretty name.
-[Anastasia] Nice to meet you. Thank you.

-This is Daisy.
-Anastasia.

Hi, Daisy.

-Jordan. Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you. Anastasia.

-[chuckles]
-Yeah, and this is Daisy.

Oh, my goodness. Does he stay with us?

-Yeah.
-Yup.

-She's my dog.
-[Anastasia gasps] Awesome.

I see Ana, and immediately
go from the heels, the six-foot-tall legs,

the dress that's way too short,
and then the hair.

She's a Barbie doll. She's gorgeous.

-I'm from Michigan, from Detroit.
-[Averey] Oh, my God, really?

-[Jordan] Wow.
-Yeah.

-I'm from Ann Arbor.
-No way.

-Mm-hmm.
-[Anastasia] I'm in Redford…

-…so that's pretty crazy.
-Okay.

I used to work at the Briarwood Mall.

-[Anastasia] No way.
-And now I live in Arizona.

Ana's pretty cool.
We just click, so I like her.

-My mom and me, we live together…
-Mm-hmm.

…and my grandma.
And I'm pretty much, like…

-[Averey] Their daughter, combined?
-Right, exactly.

I don't have, like,
a father in my life, really.

-Neither do I, so we're good.
-[Anastasia] Yeah, so--

I have, like, a dad that's supposed to be…

or was my stepdad,
but now he's not my stepdad.

-My real dad is, like, an alcoholic.
-[Averey] So is mine.

-Yes.
-Oh, fun. Alcoholic [bleep].

[Averey chuckles]
Do you have an alcoholic father?

-No.
-[Averey] Okay. So you just had, like--

I got a hard-a*s father. [chuckles]

So you have, like, a normal father
that we never had.

[both laugh]

-Three thirty-nine.
-[Jessica] Is it 338?

Three thirty-eight.

I am ecstatic.
But I am nervous as hell as well.

Who am I gonna meet?
Are these people gonna like me?

-All right, I'm going exploring.
-This is so awesome.

-I think that's them.
-Someone's here!

-You think it's a boy or a girl?
-Wait, should we hide?

We should [bleep] hide.
We should [bleep] hide.

-We should hide.
-Jordan, hide.

-[chuckles]
-[Johnny] Keep holding it.

[both laugh]

-We couldn't be the first ones here.
-[Jessica gasps] Oh, my God,

-there's a… no way, Uh-huh.
-Oh, no way.

[Johnny] No way.

[Jessica] What the hell
is that thing doing here?

Dogs love unconditionally.
If no one in this house likes me,

I can hang out with the dog.

-[Johnny] I'm pumped there's a dog.
-[Jessica] Open that. [laughs]

[all laugh]

Yes, I thought we were gonna
be the only ones here.

-No, I heard people. I was like--
-[indistinct chatter]

-Anyway, Johnny.
-Johnny? Averey.

-Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.

-What's up, brother?
-Johnny.

-Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.

-Hi, Jessica.
-And your name?

-Jordan.
-Jordan? Where are you from?

-Yes, ma'am. Oklahoma.
-Did you just call me ma'am?

-Uh…
-[laughs]

-Oh.
-Maybe.

I think this is, like,
our dining room table/ping-pong table.

-Really? [chuckles]
-[Averey] These are our showers.

Yeah, my butt will be covered.

Hey, puppy.

[Jordan] Johnny and Daisy,
I can tell there's some chemistry,

at least on Johnny's side.

My nickname is Bird.
You should call me Bird.

-Did you say your nickname is Bird?
-[Anastasia] Yeah. [chuckles]

[Anastasia] I'm always going
on adventures.

I get an idea into my head,
and then I just sort of fly away with it.

And that's sort of how
I have the nickname "Bird."

I'm also long and tall like Big Bird,
so that also helps.

Do you guys have boyfriends
or girlfriends?

-Boyfriend.
-[Jordan] Both.

-Boyfriend?
-[Johnny] Yeah.

-What's his name?
-I swing both ways.

-We were thinking the same thing.
-[all laugh]

You were quick with that one, too

That was quick.

No, single.

-Single.
-Straight.

-Single, single.
-Straight.

I'm the only one in a relationship?

-[Averey] She's the only one.
-You're in a relationship?

-Mm-hmm.
-[Jordan] Uh-oh.

[Averey] So how long have you
been dating your boyfriend?

Since early this year. Yeah.

-But it's, like, a--
-So, like, not really that long.

[Anastasia] Okay, I've had
very long-term relationships,

and this is, like, serious.

-Good luck.
-[Anastasia] I just sensed a little bit

of, like, annoyance out of you.

Like, "Good luck."

-"Good luck."
-[Jordan] No, it's just like.

I'm not sure how to read Jordan.

I don't know if it disappointed him
a little bit that I have a boyfriend.

-I mean, you're gone for a few months.
-Jeez.

As much as she likes to think and hope

that her and her boyfriend
are gonna stay together,

or that she's gonna be faithful,
it's not gonna happen.

Okay.

-Anyone here?
-[hoots]

-Hello?
-What? We got bikes already, son?

-Okay, I'm ditching this. Let's go.
-Ooh.

-Are we the first ones here?
-Are we?

Are we the first ones here?

-Oh, this is so cute.
-[hoots]

Look how big this place is.

-What? We got a ping-pong table, yo.
-And a pool table.

Yo. We're the first ones here, yo.

-[Jordan] There's people, people.
-There are people!

[gasps] They're here. Someone's out there.

Let's go.

[Joi] Roommates! Hi.

[all] Hi.

-[Averey] Jordan!
-[Jordan] This is the true story…

-[Averey] Ooh, ooh!
-…of seven strangers…

-[Jordan] Let's do it!
-[Joi] …picked to live in a loft…

-Daisy!
-[Jordan] Stop pooping!

-[Averey] …work together…
-[Jordan] Dude!

-[Jessica] …and have their lives taped…
-[Jordan] I love you, Bird.

[Anastasia] …to find out what happens…

-[Jessica] I'm not talking to you anymore.
-[Marlon] …when people stop being polite…

[Anastacia] Boop! You're done.

-[Johnny] …and start getting real.
-[laughs]

-[Johnny] No!
-[Jessica] Sexy mama.

-[Averey] The Real World…
-[Johnny] …Portland!

[upbeat rock music playing]

[Joi gasps] They're here.
Someone's out there.

-[Marlon] Who is out there?
-[Joi] Roommates?

-[Joi] Hello.
-Hi.

-[all cheering]
-What's up?

[Jordan] Welcome.

-Hey.
-Jordan.

-Jordan? Marlon.
-[Joi] Hi, I'm Joi!

-Nice to meet you, bro.
-What's up, man?

-Marlon.
-Johnny.

[Marlon] Johnny,
nice to meet you, brother.

-What's your name?
-Marlon.

Marlon, nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.
-I'm Joi.

-Nice to meet you, Joi.
-Where are you guys from?

-[Joi] Seattle.
-I'm from Texas.

From Texas? Oklahoma.

-Oh, we can't be friends.
-[Jordan] Oh, no?

[Marlon] We can't be friends, yo.

So if I'm walking around
like "Boomer Sooner" all the time?

Texas Tech all day.

-[Averey] Arizona.
-[Joi] I'm from Seattle, so…

-[Joi] Where are you from?
-[Jessica] North Carolina.

-Oh, I can hear you.
-[Averey] She's like, "Oh, the accent."

Jessica, I love her little country accent.
It's just so stinking cute.

We were thinking about
grilling out tonight. What do you think?

-Dude, let's do it.
-What do y'all think?

-[Averey] Yeah.
-[Marlon] Let's cook it up.

[upbeat music playing]

I feel like me and you are gonna have

-some really good conversations.
-[Anastasia] Yes.

[Averey] I think this was a good
little match.

Oh, I'm excited for a little family.

[Jessica] Here goes
my thong bikini. [chuckles]

-Oh, my gosh. [chuckles]
-[chuckles]

It's like… [chuckles]

All right, dude. Freaking Joi?

Joi's pretty hot, yo.

-Yeah, dude, I--
-Joi's pretty hot, yo.

-Those curves and everything.
-And she came with the tights on.

[Jordan] And they're,
like, see-through, too.

-[Marlon] Yeah, bro.
-[Jordan] Like, we all know

-what's going on under there. [chuckles]
-[Marlon] We see what you're working with.

-And Bird, she's just got the legs.
-[Marlon] She's super tall.

-[Jordan] Yeah.
-[Marlon] She's cool, though.

[Jordan] I mean,
I think everybody's gonna be pretty cool.

Dude, so, I mean,
if you don't mind me asking,

-what happened to your hand?
-Hand?

Gator.

-An alligator?
-Yeah. [chuckles]

-What?
-Yeah.

That's crazy, huh?

-Dang, dude.
-Yeah.

You were, like, wrestling, or it just,
like, caught you by surprise?

-[Jordan] Wakeboarding.
-Oh.

-Oh, yeah, you told me you wakeboard.
-Down in Florida and stuff.

Yeah. That's crazy, yo.

I was born like that, though.
It didn't really happen from a gator.

-Oh, see, bro.
-[Jordan laughs]

[Marlon] I was over here feeling all bad.

No, I mean, why would you feel bad anyway?

I was like, dang, he got his hand ate off
by a gator, dude?

-That sucks.
-No, just born like that.

I used to get made fun of all the time,

-like, going through elementary and stuff.
-Hmm.

And, like, I would feel bad.
So my dad would be like,

"Just make something up.
Tell them something dumb."

-You know what I mean?
-Yeah.

All right, dogs, sharks, gators,
slamming in the door, running them over.

-Whatever is convenient.
-Yeah, like, everything.

-Whatever is convenient at the time.
-Yeah.

Yeah. You got me, 'cause I was like,
"I could see that happening."

-[Jordan laughs]
-I was like, "Alligator? Yeah."

I could see that happening.

[upbeat rock music playing]

[Johnny] This one's for Daisy.

-Aww. Look, he made Daisy a burger.
-[Johnny] Here, Daisy.

-[Johnny] It's a little one.
-[Averey] Oh, my God.

-[Johnny chuckles]
-[Averey] That's so cute.

[Jessica] He's so sweet.

[Averey] She is gonna be fat
when we leave here.

-[Anastasia chuckles]
-Protein style. She don't eat the bread.

[Jessica] I like buns,
just not on my burger.

[all laugh]

[Johnny] Testosterone and estrogen
living really close together…

[imitates expl*si*n sound]
Yeah, it's gonna be fun.

It's gonna be really fun.

["You and I" playing]

[Anastasia] Oh, feels so nice.

[gasps] Oh, my god,
I have those panties in blue.

-Oh, my God! [chuckles]
-[chuckles]

-We're meant to be.
-We were.

-To new friends.
-Cheers to new friends. [chuckles]

♪ Hey, let's take it all in ♪

♪ What a beautiful life ♪

♪ We have been given ♪

Day one so far, success.

PIG? Come on, let's go, let's go.

Today absolutely rocked.
Oh, this looks terrible.

♪ You and I, you and I ♪

♪ We can't let this moment pass us by ♪

Bah-bah-bah.

Today absolutely rocked.
And I really think we're bonding.

We're getting close,
and it's pretty awesome.

[Anastasia] I think the boys
are really nice. I feel like we're gonna

get along with the boys really well.

-Yeah.
-[Anastasia] Johnny, he's a cutie.

Yeah, he's very nice.

He actually reminded me
of someone, like, I dated.

And I was like, "Ugh," for a second.
I was like, "Ew."

-Do you like him? No?
-[Averey] No.

Like, I'm very picky with guys.
I don't like blondes.

[Anastasia] He's not your type.
Do you like Jordan?

-You don't like anybody?
-[Averey] They're just not my type.

If I was single,
I'd be, like, scoping them out.

But I'm kind of glad, though,

because I don't want that drama
with the roommates. Like… [groans]

It's not like I'm gonna fall in love
in three months.

-Yeah.
-[Averey] Really?

["Rockstar" playing]

So what's your story?
Like, where did you work before this?

-I was working at Home Depot.
-Oh, yeah, you told me,

and that you were going to school
for engineering. Okay.

[Marlon] I'm going to school
for engineering, that was it.

[Averey] I don't even go to school.

-[Marlon] Really?
-I can't afford it.

I have to pay… you know, it's just hard.

[Johnny] You hate Hooters
or you like Hooters?

I love Hooters. I mean, it pays my bills.

Like, like,
I wouldn't survive without Hooters.

It's like, I have so many friends
that have college degrees

and are still living at home
with mom and dad.

-[Marlon] Exactly.
-Like, I can say, like,

"Yeah, I don't have a college degree,
but I have my own car."

-"I have my own apartment. It's mine."
-[soft rock music playing]

-Yeah.
-[Averey] Like, I worked for that,

everything I have, and I'm not
with my mommy and daddy

and having them taking care of me.

My dad has definitely
helped me out a good amount.

Exactly, like,
it would be cool if I had that.

-But I kind of…
-[Marlon] My pops helps me, too.

…it's a blessing in disguise,
'cause I feel like that's who I am now.

Like, that made me, me.

Averey is extremely interesting to me.

She has a lot of attributes
that intrigue me.

She's independent, and she's tough.
She's definitely catching my eye.

[soft rock music concludes]

[upbeat music playing]

[Averey groans] Yes.

I was like, "I'm gonna do it
just for, like, a half hour."

Ooh, that's cute.

-My booty cheeks are out. Whoo!
-Do you have lotion? I'm so ashy.

-[Jessica] I don't.
-Look how white the thighs are.

-Oh, my gosh. Your thighs are white.
-[Jordan] Whoo! [chuckles]

[Johnny] Got the pasty.

Let me see that thong bikini.

-Oh yeah, you do.
-[Jordan] Oh, no.

Damn. You got your little cheeks
bouncing right in front of our face.

Like, they're already comfortable with us.

Yeah, brown n*pples. I'm a brownie.

-[Marlon] Yeah?
-Brown n*pples?

Yeah, she knows.
You probably have them too.

Mine are kind of pink.

-[Averey] Are yours brown?
-Kind of.

[Jordan] I'm not worried
about my nipple color too much.

You don't need that cigarette.
You just smoked one.

Are you gonna heckle me
every time I smoke?

[Jordan] Polluting my air.

-[Anastasia] I'm not even near you.
-I can smell it.

[Anastasia] I can smell you,

-and I'm not complaining.
-[chuckles]

[Jordan] You got your pheromones going,

smelling me? You're coming over here.

-I knew you were gonna do that. [chuckles]
-[chuckles]

Do you like that? [chuckles]

-[Jessica] Joi-Joi, I love you.
-I love you, too.

I think you're my soulmate.

Seriously, I didn't expect to be
so friendly with somebody here.

I don't get the…

she wore a thong bikini
and tanned her front.

-[Johnny] Who's got a thong bikini?
-[Jordan] Jessica.

[Marlon] Oh, you missed it, dude.
It was nice.

-[Johnny] Yeah?
-[Averey] It was nice.

-[Marlon] It was real nice.
-It was good.

[Johnny] Jessica, bring your bubble butt
out here.

-Bring what out there?
-[Averey] He doesn't believe that

-you're wearing a thong.
-No, I believe it. I want to see it.

-Oh, where's the bubble butt at?
-[Jessica] I don't have a bubble butt.

I just have a naked butt.

[Johnny] Where's the naked butt?
Can you do a spin?

-[Marlon] It's still bubbly, though.
-[Johnny] Oh! Oh!

[laugh, indistinct chatter]

["Your Song" playing]

I'm gonna get dressed right here.

-I don't even care. We're just leaving.
-Is this cute?

-[chuckles]
-That's great.

Do you like it?
It's just, like, normal, right?

I mean, it's, you know,
that's what everybody else is wearing.

Like, does he not have
underwear on right now?

I don't… I'm not even looking.

Did you see his p*nis
hanging out? [chuckles]

-I told you, I don't look, man.
-[Anastasia] I looked. I looked.

Oh, my God.

It's not my fault I look, okay?
I was like, "Marlon."

"So, Marlon, what are we gonna do today?
Holy [bleep], there's a [bleep] there."

Oh, my god, it's a p*nis.

["Can't Hold Us" playing]

♪ Yeah, all right, okay ♪

♪ All right, okay ♪

[Jordan] There it is,
right there on the corner.

♪ Raise those hands ♪

♪ This is our party
We came here to live life ♪

♪ Like nobody was watching ♪

♪ I got my city right behind me
If I fall, they got me ♪

♪ Learn from that failure, gain humility ♪

♪ And then we keep marching, I said ♪

♪ Can we go back?
This is the moment ♪

♪ Tonight is the night
We'll fight till it's over ♪

♪ So we put our hands up
Like the ceiling can't hold us ♪

-[Johnny]
-[doorman]

-[crowd cheering]
-I like that. We gotta coin that.

Portland, Oregon, you k*ll me, dog.

[Marlon] I don't know where
we're going.

-Why am I leading?
-[Jessica] We're going home.

'Cause you're the leader.

[Averey] I've never been to a bar
where guys approached me.

-[Johnny] That's [bleep].
-[Averey] I swear to God.

[Johnny] There's no way.
There's no way you just go unnoticed.

[Averey] No, I really do.

There's two types of girls at Hooters.
There's lookers and the talkers.

I'm a talker. I make
my money by talking to people.

[Johnny] You got a cute face
and the nice boobs.

-[Averey] All right.
-[Johnny] And the a*s

is feeling that flow, so you're fine.

-Let's hit the soft spots.
-Okay.

-Ex-boyfriend.
-What about him?

-How did the ex-boyfriend get you?
-I was 18,

and I went to a bar in Ypsi
in Michigan, where I'm from.

And he was sitting at the bar,
and I saw him.

It was immediately, like, done.
Just hooked.

-So is it still done?
-Yeah.

I have no reason to talk to him.
He was just a [bleep. He's a [bleep].

But I'm not gonna regret it,
because without him,

I would never have moved to Arizona,
and I would never be here.

I'd be in Michigan somewhere struggling.

And I never would have
got to meet you.

-[Averey] Exactly.
-I think Averey's gorgeous. I do.

And I'm thinking, all right,
do I have a chance with this girl?

[hip-hop music playing]

♪ F-r-e-s-h ♪

♪ Attention, everybody
Listen to my P.S.A. ♪

♪ I'm f-r-e-s-h
I am a star and a V.I.P. ♪

[chuckles]

[Jessica] I just want to get her
a Superman cape

with a big "D" on it. [chuckles]

[Averey] I wish I had a cool accent.

You have a cute accent.
Like, I wish I had, like, something cute.

Like, I don't care if it would
be ugly, like Johnny's.

You said ugly like Johnny's?
I like Johnny's accent. [chuckles]

Sometimes. And sometimes
I'm like, "What did you just say?"

-[belches]
-[grunts]

Jordan is out there for blood.
He is just moving. He is hustling.

-[Jordan] Oh!
-[Marlon] Oh.

-[groans]
-You good?

[Johnny] Yeah. It really hurts.

Oh, [bleep].

He got, like, the hammer head.

-Your [bleep] is… Oh, dude. [chuckles]
-[chuckles]

[groans] Well, I'm gonna call that.

-[bleep] kills.
-Yeah. [sighs]

[Johnny] I don't know how many ladies
I'm gonna pick up with an eye like this.

[upbeat music playing]

Did you see it at first?
It was like a little marble in there.

-[Johnny] It was little.
-And now it's, like, spread.

[bleep], dude. Don't talk about it.

-I want to see it.
-No, no, no, no.

It looks better. It looks better.

-[chuckles]
-"They got in a fight."

-"They got in a fight."
-There you go, yeah.

You want to do that
with the girls for a little bit?

-Yeah.
-Like, me and you

will pretend not to talk
for a little while.

-How was your guys'…
-[Jordan] It was all right.

I mean, me and Johnny got in
a little argument. But we're cool now.

[Marlon] Jordan punched Johnny
in the face.

-[Jordan] Oh, it was not a punch.
-[gasps] Get out.

[Jordan] I did not step
into it or nothing.

-Yep. Just like that.
-[Averey] Let me see your face.

-That's a little tap, right there?
-[Jordan] No, it was not…

-like, I didn't… Johnny.
-[Averey] Great.

[Anastasia] Oh, my God,
you did that to him?

-[Marlon] Straight up.
-What happened?

It was a basketball fight?

It… like, look, it just got…
it was, like, competition.

I cannot believe
I'm looking at that right now.

[Averey] And you punched your own
roommate in the face because of the game?

It's Johnny. Like, why would you do that?
Why would you punch him in the face?

-I didn't hit Johnny. [chuckles]
-Oh, what happened, then?

[Jordan] We just hit heads.

[chuckles] Oh, my God,
you guys totally tricked us.

I knew y'all were joking.
I was, like, ready to avoid you, too.

I knew they were gonna do that.
Like, "Oh, you hit Johnny."

-"I'm not talking to him."
-[Anastasia laughs]

[soft acoustic rock music playing]

Oh, what's up, Daisy?

Oh, yeah? A little ice?

Oh, that feels nice.

What did you do today, Daisy,
play some ball?

Do some doggie aerobics or some [bleep]?

-Yeah.
-[Averey] Johnny loves Daisy.

And, like, he's very sweet.

And you would never think that
when you would first meet him.

How's the eye look? Huh?
Not that bad, right?

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[music concludes]

I bet you're hard
to approach in a bar, huh?

-Yeah. [chuckles] Probably.
-Why, yo?

-I hate when females do that.
-'Cause I'm tall, and I--

Are you about to give us
the whole "I'm tall and beautiful,

-so people don't like to talk to me?"
-No, that's not what I'm saying.

I'm just saying it's a type of guy
that always approaches me.

-Is that type like your boyfriend?
-No, why would it be like my boyfriend?

If the same type of guy
keeps approaching you,

-how is that not a valid question?
-I approached my boyfriend.

[Jordan] Did you hook up with him
on the first date?

-I kissed him. Why?
-Why?

Yeah, I was just wondering
why you were asking.

You can find out a lot about a person
by the way they talk,

the way they tell their stories.

[Marlon] I'm just getting that sense

that Jordan has probably
a little thing for Anastasia.

So you have no naughty shenanigans
for a few months?

I'm still full of shenanigans, just not
those kind of shenanigans. [chuckles]

-[chuckles]
-[Averey] Ooh, this looks so fun.

-What is it?
-[Averey] This inferno thing.

I just looked it up.

It says "Live music starts at 8:00
or 9:00. Burlesque, DJs, and debauchery."

-Okay.
-[Averey] Ooh!

They got me at "De-bauk-ery."

["The Amazons" playing]

♪ Taking you for a ride ♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪ I'm gonna hunt you down ♪

Walking through the club, loving it.

♪ Oh, boy, you better run ♪

Yeah!

♪ Oh, boy, I'm having fun ♪

[Jessica] I am shocked.

I did not expect it to be so,
um, stripper-like.

I mean, not that that's a problem, but,
Dorothy, you're not in Kansas anymore.

♪ I'm gonna hunt you down ♪

-Megan.
-Nice to meet you, Megan.

Some dude, all of the sudden, randomly,
he looks at me and tries to kiss me.

Like, who the hell do you think
you are, doing that to me?

I am a grown woman.
I can take care of myself,

but it is very flattering
to have someone stick up for you.

So what kind of relationship
exactly is this?

[Megan]

-We just got married last weekend.
-No [bleep]?

Now hold on.

-Eleven years?
-[Megan] Yeah. So we're very committed.

But, I mean, we've had our open moments.

Oh, [bleep]. [chuckles]

[upbeat electronic music playing]

Maybe we should go back inside.

-Let's go.
-All right.

I'll introduce you to my husband
if I can find him.

Oh, thank you. Please,
let's make this as awkward as possible.

-[chuckles] Oh, you're welcome.
-Yeah, thank you.

♪ I want to see you on the floor ♪

♪ Your body looking right ♪

♪ You grab me and I hold you ♪

♪ Don't be the one ♪

[Megan]

[Jordan]

[Averey]

[Jordan]

[upbeat electronic music playing]

-Yes.
-[exclaims, chuckles]

All right, who's winning,
doctor, professional performer?

-Married.
-Doctor?

Professional performer?

Who's calling? I think that would be me.

[Averey] How do you know
you like someone if you barely know them?

[Johnny] I know what I like.
I know what I feel.

[Averey] You barely know me.

That's [bleep].
What don't I know about you?

You know my looks.
You don't know who I am.

No, [bleep].

[Averey] Johnny says he likes me for me.
I don't trust boys.

Boys will say anything
to get into your pants, basically.

-[Averey] Well, why?
-[Johnny] Why? 'Cause you're cool so far.

Why? 'Cause I've listened
to what you said about your family.

Why? 'Cause you're independent.

Why? 'Cause you've been
this far with your life.

Why? 'Cause you don't have
a mom and a dad.

Why? Because you have done
what you've done so far.

-You're not a normal person.
-You don't even know.

You want to bet on that?
Because you're not normal.

-I bet. I'm not normal.
-How much you wanna bet?

-I'm a little weird.
-Exactly. That's what we're betting on.

-You just bet me on that.
-I did not.

So what else do you want to know

-about yourself?
-Did I not shake? [scoffs]

-What do I want to know about myself?
-Yeah, so far,

what else do you want
to know about yourself?

-So, listen, Marlon, handle this.
-No.

Johnny and Averey, it's gonna happen.
Mark my words. Mark my words.

They're gonna be together
before this is over.

[Anastasia] All the modeling
I've done is really minor stuff.

But I wanted to be a Playboy centerfold.

I wanted to, too. [munches]

Playboy was awesome, though.
They were really nice.

Playboy what? What about Playboy?

-I was in Playboy.
-Are you lying to me?

Uh-uh. I was, like, 19.

-[Marlon] Really?
-Mm-hmm.

-[Marlon] I'm looking this up, man.
-[whimsical music playing]

I decided to do Playboy.
It was kind of a proud moment for me.

I was glad they chose me.
I was proud that I did it.

I have no regrets. And I did it
because it's something that most people

will never be able
to have the chance to do.

[Joi] There's the Playboy picture
if you want to see it.

-[Jessica cheers]
-[Jordan] Oh, yeah.

-[Jessica] Oh, yeah, baby.
-Oh, son.

-[all cheer]
-[Marlon] Oh, son!

-I see a nipple.
-[Anastasia] I can't believe that.

-I see a nipple.
-[Joi] Like, barely.

Joi has definitely risen
on the target list.

Everybody else is not even
in competition range.

Wait, wait, she got the little
tan crease on her booty, yo.

I know, that's the tanning right there.

-Yeah, son.
-I tried to get my tan all over.

-Yeah.
-Joi…

-Playboy.
-Playboy.

-Joi was in Playboy. What?
-She's dope, too. She's dope.

In my head, I knew
it was gonna be a booty shot,

-just 'cause she got a booty.
-She got the cakes.

I want to talk to Joi's butt.

[all laugh]

-[Johnny] Oh, Daisy's still in here.
-[Marlon] Daisy, you don't say a word.

[chill instrumental music playing]

Girls, girls, girls, girls,
who will come tanning with me tomorrow?

-[Jessica] Me. I'll go.
-[Joi] I'll go, too. Like, go.

My butt has a very nice tan line.

-It does.
-How do you know?

-I've seen it.
-[Joi] When?

When you came outside
in your bathing suit.

-[Joi] Oh, I thought it was, like--
-And the cakes were jiggling.

-The cakes were jiggling.
-[Marlon] Of course I seen the tan lines.

I wasn't just gonna let you
walk by me and not look.

-Are you serious?
-[chuckles]

All y'all were in booty shorts.
It was a*s everywhere.

We was just, like, calculating.

Like, "Okay, this is number one.
This is number two."

"This is number, oh, three. Nah, hmm."

You guys are putting us in order?

[Marlon] Of course we were ranking
the booties. Are you serious?

This is so shallow. It's so mean.
We're not objects. We're people.

[Marlon] Should we,
like, post the ranking?

[girls] No!

I don't care if I'm last.
I don't really care.

I've known this my whole life.

[Anastasia] Screw guys.
Like, they don't have any idea.

[Joi] Anastasia is a sensitive girl.
To me, it's not a big deal.

Boys will be boys.

I'm just uncomfortable
in general right now.

I just want to go home.

[Marlon] Anastasia is blowing this
way out of proportion.

It's not that serious.

I just think it's mean. It's mean.

Like, I wouldn't sit there
and rank, like, the guys.

Like, I don't think like that.
I just think it's [bleep] mean.

I know, but it's the difference
between the females and the males.

I don't care.
I think it's [bleep] mean. I do.

[Johnny] Yeah, but it's not like
you're disgusting, Bird.

It's [bleep] mean!
Do you not understand, like,

the difference between mean and not mean?

[Johnny] But we think
with our [bleep] first.

I don't want to talk about it anymore.

[indistinct chatter]

["Top of the World" playing]

♪ Hey ♪

We hit the bar, we get a couple drinks,
spit a little game, mack a little bit.

That's the main goal.

Wait, what's your name?

-Becca! Oh, I'm sorry.
-I can't believe you.

-[exclaims]
-[Marlon] Holy [bleep]!

-[Jordan] Oh, my God.
-[Marlon] Oh, [bleep]!

-[Jordan] Oh, my God.
-[Marlon] Oh, [bleep] me.

-[indistinct chatter]
-Okay, but that right there, though,

-that's wild.
-[Johnny chuckles]

Come on. Let's go.

Hello?

[Daisy barks]

[bleep] go.

-[Daisy barking]
-Come here!

I don't really care
that the girls are here.

This is Daisy.

-[Daisy barks]
-[chuckles] Oh.

But if my dog is not liking you,
that shows you something.

[Johnny] Females, what's good?

-[Sammy] I'm Sammy.
-[Becca] I'm Becca.

-Hi.
-[Sammy] Nice to meet you.

-Johnny.
-Nice to meet you.

[Jordan] Marlon.

-Who drank too much?
-[Marlon] Just enough.

We hit the right point.

-The right point to where--
-[chuckles]

-The right point to where they look good?
-[Marlon] No, no, no, no, they don't.

[inhales deeply]

We got the desperates.

What we call back in Texas,

-we got the thirstys.
-[groans]

Okay, so this is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna get them in the hot tub,

chill for a little bit,
and then we got to kick them out.

-[indistinct chatter]
-Whoop, whoop, whoop.

[Marlon] We're gonna
get them in the hot tub,

and then we're kicking them out.

They're not gonna be,
like, stay-the-nighters.

These are, like, the plan Ds.

Dude, I'll kick them out right now.

-Marlon and Jordan.
-Marlon, make them drinks.

Jordan, you guys invited them back.
They want drinks.

We drank it all. We drank all the alcohol,
all the vodka before we went out.

I don't understand how I ended up
in the middle of this boy thing.

-We drank it all.
-Females, you got to go.

-I'm serious. I'm not lying.
-That's [bleep].

[Johnny] She's getting
the drift. You gotta go.

-All right.
-[Johnny] Up, up, up, up.

They don't even have swimsuits.

That was really [bleep].
Both of you guys are [bleep], dude.

[Marlon] Why are you
throwing them out now?

-Why are you throwing them out?
-[Johnny] I didn't say nothing.

They don't have ba*ls
enough to tell you, dude.

You should have ba*ls enough
to [bleep] say something.

I apologize for that. If you want
to come out and hang out with us…

Listen, yeah.

Do you girls want to come hang out
with some classy ladies?

-[Sammy] I'll leave you my number.
-Yeah.

-And we'll go out.
-Are you guys going down the stairs?

[Anastacia] This is embarrassing.
I'm very sorry.

Have a good night, okay?

[laughs]

"We're the first guys to bring play home."

-"We're the first guys--"
-[Joi] Are you for real?

-Yeah.
-[Joi] That's piggish.

That's all they were saying.
"We're the first guys to bring play home."

"We're the first guys to bring booty home.
Yada, yada, yada."

[Marlon] All right, look, check it out.

No, how 'bout you sit over…
No, Marlon, sit over there, please.

Oh.

I think that you guys should be men
and should be the ones to say,

"Listen, honey, it's not our night."

"We're not feeling good.
We're not feeling this."

"You guys, you know, you need to leave."
And you need to be polite about it.

[Marlon] You know,
no disrespect to Johnny,

but he jumped the g*n,
and he kicked them out.

Honestly, the fact that you guys are--

like, honestly, both of you
couldn't say anything

to those girls and get them out of here--

-[Marlon] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
-[Anastasia] That's… you guys have no…

We did not whoa, whoa.
We did not ask them to leave.

Whoa, whoa!

Spill my wine on me again,
mother [bleep]. [gasps]

[tense electronic music playing]

Spill my wine
on me again, mother…[bleep]. [gasps]

[bleep] you, mother… [bleep].

You know how [bleep] sick I am
[bleep] in this house with you?

You know how sick I am
to be in this house with you?

I don't like you and your [bleep].

-[Anastasia] Clean up that, [bleep].
-[Jordan] I was ready

-to get in the hot tub.
-[Anastasia] Clean it up. Clean it up.

-No.
-Clean it up, Mr. I'm-all-about-respect.

I'm all about respect…
spill my wine everywhere.

I'm all about respect to people
I respect. I don't respect you.

-You're a piece of [bleep].
-You promise?

[Anastasia] I promise.
I pinky swear. [kisses]

-On my [bleep] grave.
-Oh, man.

-Anyways, Marlon.
-[Jordan] She ain't dead yet.

You're [bleep] rude.

-[Jordan] Who says "On their grave?"
-[Joi] Who says "Are you dead yet?"

Hey, hey, hey,
let me give you an opportunity

to find something out about my boyfriend.

Why don't you just bring
my boyfriend up now?

Anastasia goes into rant mode.
Me and Johnny, we're sitting back,

just letting Jordan
take the heat right now.

It's coming out 'cause you're drinking,
'cause you're a piece of [bleep].

["Liar" playing]

-This is enough. This is enough.
-[Jordan] No, no.

[Anastasia] No, this is enough.
This is straight up enough.

I don't care if he has
a [bleep] stump for a hand,

you can't treat people like this.

You have to think about human beings
and the way that people feel.

You're shady as [bleep].

And if you can treat three girls
that you don't even know that way,

I'm living with you,
how are you gonna treat me?

Try to make me miserable. Try.

♪ And it all came down ♪

[Averey] I'll show you a trick.
Lick it. Now, dance.

Dance. Dance. We're dancing. Good girl.

-[Johnny] Is that gonna work for me or no?
-Try it.

You got to shake your hips, though.

-Bite one in half?
-Uh-huh.

-Dance. [chuckles]
-You got to shake.

Dance. Dance. Yeah, girl.
Break it down. Dance, dance.

Dance. No? All right.
I'll just give it to you.

[Jordan] There's more of
The Real World on the way.

[Johnny] And it starts right now.