- Hello one and all and welcome back
To another exciting episode
of "a crown of candy."
I am your humble dungeon
master brennan lee mulligan.
With me as always are our intrepid heroes!
Say hi, intrepid heroes!
- Hi, intrepid heroes.
- Heroes.
- Oh, wonderful.
Last we left off our heroes
Had stowed away aboard the colby
Coming from the capital city of comida
Around pulp bay into the yogurt shoals.
Where the duchess primsy coldbottle
And captain annabelle cheddar discovered
Our stowaways and a tense
armistice was discussed.
An uneasy truce.
For indeed, the dairy
islands could not openly help
The secessionist candians,
the excommunicated king
And his b*stard daughters
And the crown prince now of candia,
Whose father, unbeknownst to him,
Had entered into open
rebellion against the concord
Earlier the next day.
Or rather, had always
been in open rebellion
But suddenly was king and
it mattered a lot more.
Found yourself in the yogurt shoals
Where primsy coldbottle related more
Of her tender courtship with
The young lord stilton
curdeau of house bleu.
- Boo!
- Boo!
- House boo!
- More like house boo.
- Thank you.
- Unsure of whether they should honor
The ancient alliance between
the dairy islands and candia,
Their decision making
process was cut short
When their ship was
scuttled by the dairy air
In the yogurt shoals.
- Stupid.
- In the middle of a pitched storm,
No not stupid, in fact, great.
A pitched battle, naval
battle, in a storm.
Marauders of house bleu on either side
Attempting to assassinate the
duchess primsy coldbottle.
She was saved at the last
minute by the princess jet
Who shot stitlon curdeau
to the bottom of the ocean.
- The b*stard jet.
- The b*stard jet, that's correct.
To the bottom of the ocean.
And the crew, minus one sad casualty,
Leapt from the sinking
colby to the deck of
The fondue, la fondue, where
the captain, annabelle cheddar,
Was also rescued.
Some close calls of going
into the tangy deep.
You are all aboard the la fondue sailing
Through the storm headed for open sea.
All of you, i imagine, are
trying to get below decks
As much as possible.
Or actually, you know what, i
don't think you guys even can.
You guys are sailing through the storm.
I'm actually gonna go ahead and we're
Gonna begin this with, i'm
gonna need everyone here
To pick one of their
skills that they wanna do
Because most of the
cheddar sailors are down.
So in the middle of.
Ah!
Hey, get to the rig and
hold the sails tight!
As dead bodies are washed to and fro
By the yogurt coming overboard.
There's not enough hands on deck
And you guys even though you don't
Have any proficiency are gonna need
To try and sail this thing.
- Well, i'm gonna tie up ropes.
I feel like that's a thing that i can.
- I'm gonna need a sleight
of hand check from you.
What else is everyone doing on the ship?
- Can i hoist sails?
- You may absolutely use an
athletics check to hoist sails.
Hold on, we're gonna do a group check.
- I'll also do tying up the ropes.
- We'll get a sleight of hand from you.
- Is there like an acrobatic?
What would acrobatics be?
- You tell me, it's not
my job to fix the ship.
- Jump to the sail and like swing it.
- Climb up and like try to
do something with the sails.
- Cool, well you can give me,
I'll ask for a sleight
of hand from you as well.
- Okay.
- I'll do something that needs athletics.
Just brute strength.
- Cool, i'm just gonna say
That you are honestly just hammering away.
Just give me a raw, you'll just
give me a raw strength check
To hammer damage from the storm
And fix stuff underneath.
- Sweet.
- I'll do some sort of
rope pulling strength.
- Cool, you're gonna give
me athletics as well.
We need half of us here to beat a,
I'm gonna say the storm is picking up.
I'm gonna say, we'll call it a dc 17.
I need half of us here to beat a dc 17.
- Roll with advantage with react?
- Yes, you can.
- Great.
- And then...
- I got a 19 strength check.
- 22, oh, 23 acrobatics.
- I got a 21.
- 21, great.
- Oh, it's actually the same.
23 sleight of hand.
- Eight.
- Or, 22.
- 22, four outta six, that's the majority.
Group check passes.
You watch the last tip of
the colby's mast disappear
And sailing off already in darkness
With their alchemical dark vision
That murderous crew of the dairy air
Sails off into the storm.
Annabelle lights—
- Do we have cannons on this boat?
We should cannon them.
- There are no cannons.
There are some crossbows around,
But mostly these ships
are used for boarding
And hand to hand combat.
- Okay.
- You sail the la fondue off.
You successfully sail through the storm
And as the storm passes and
the water is evening out,
Annabelle has lashed herself to the helm.
Looks over at the rest
of the crew and says.
- Right, me and carolyn
can help the rest of this.
All of you can head
downstairs and get your rest.
It should be smooth after the storm.
- Were we still on route
to the dairy islands,
Or perhaps in light of
certain events that happened,
We might be headed to the candy mountains.
- 35 of my sexy parents,
Want to spread you like
soft cheese on a cr*cker.
- How come liam isn't a
b*stard when we're b*stards?
If liam's dad has five partners.
- You see, if you participate in a world
Where the word b*stard is used,
You can easily become a b*stard.
But i was born into a very fluid
And sexually open world
where we don't even
Really use the word b*stard.
- I also think the word
b*stard is pretty cool.
- I mean, i'm not hating on it.
I think it's pretty fun.
- Go ahead and give me a history check
If you'd be so kind.
- That's a 12.
- You think that.
You flash back to the conversation
That you and lord cruller had on the road
Where you were like, so
everyone knows we do magic
But nobody says that we do magic.
And he was like, yes, politics is everyone
Knowing something is one way
and saying it's another way.
The duke of the great
stone candy mountains
Has one wife to which he has been married
In the bulbian church.
And he's got 33 other partners
That have been hand fasted to him
In old groves of the sugar plum fairy
And other ancient sucrosi spirits.
- Wait, so is liam's mom the only one
That he's married to
in the bulbian church?
- Spearia mentha is one of the oldest,
Longest standing partners
of duke jawbreaker.
So liam is one of the youngest siblings
But does come from the one marriage
That happened in a bulbian church.
- Oh, so you're the heir now.
- You've got a bunch of
brothers ahead of you
That are your older bully brothers.
But you are pretty directly
in line for the throne.
But you've got a couple of brothers
And sisters ahead of you in line.
- I don't really care about the throne.
I'm really just on a
revenge path right now.
- Cool.
I feel it.
- I've been there, but i will tell you
That once you see how
messed up politics are
And you know that you could actually,
You are in one of the rare positions
To make a difference, you might start
To wonder if you should consider it.
- Hm.
- Can cumulous make a.
I think cumulous is just going
to ask you, like, may i see?
- The christmas cards.
- May i see your bow and christmas cards?
If you have them.
May i see your bow?
- We've been furiously hand making
Christmas cards down in the hull.
- By the way, high frosting's eve.
If you would be so kind.
- High frosting's eve.
- High frosting's eve.
- Excuse me, i'm sorry.
I'm sure it was in an email.
- A lot of lore in this one.
- A lot of lore in this one.
Yeah, so i show cumulous the bow.
- I think cumulous is just going
To like hold it for a moment.
- I'm doing that thing where you like,
Let somebody touch it,
But you're also like, almost touching it.
Not really wanting to take it away.
- Cumulous just looks at it and cries.
- Whoa!
- That one was archmage.
- Lazuli's, yes.
- When you cry does your
cotton candy harden?
- Just hard, just sort of like.
- Crunchy rivulets.
- I think cumulous has like the skin
On his arms and shins, it
almost looks like bracers
But it's actually just his skin
That has been treated
with a little bit of water
To harden his forearms,
elbows, knees, and shins
Into like these hard sugar crusts
On his cotton candy body.
- Almost like a muay thai fighter.
- Oh yeah.
- Thank you for letting me see this.
It's been many years since i've held.
- You're welcome, i grab it.
Grab it in a way that
i'm trying not to be rude
But i don't want anybody else touching it.
- Everybody here go ahead and give me
A constitution saving throw,
if you'd be so kind please.
- Oh no!
I've got a 19.
- 14.
- Seven.
- Anyone that got less than
a 15 begins to just nod off.
The attack at the cathedral
happened this morning.
- Oh right.
- Right.
- It is, and you are all getting pneumonia
From all the cold milk rain.
It's a bad look.
It's time to go to sleep.
- Can i fall asleep in a fighting stance?
- Your rapier is just pointed up and out.
You get some ship's
rigging in your hammock.
So it's just this rapier kind of swinging.
- I put on cork on her sword.
- I think i'm that kind of drunk sleep
So i just go up to annabelle and i go,
35 moms, dads are gonna bang you out.
- Right, this has gone from
being an offer to a threat.
- And then i fall asleep
right there on the deck.
- The deck, just collapse!
Cool, so jet and liam,
you guys are passed out.
Anyone else get below a 15?
- I did, but i wasn't in that fight.
Does that matter?
- Oh, i think you're probably okay.
Your dc's probably a little bit higher.
But the rest of you guys,
It's not that you're not
feeling also the intense,
You know, amethar's been wounded
Mortally since this morning.
Do you guys all go find hammocks?
What do you guys do?
- I think i'll probably,
before i go to bed
I'll probably talk to
cumulous for a second.
And amethar, you're still up, right?
- No, i'm out.
- You're out.
Okay, so just cumulous.
- Oh, then i also go to bed.
- Cumulous, are there more like you?
- There used to be a lot more,
But we are, there's a lot less of us now.
- What's stopping the rest of you
From getting through?
- I can tell you right now that
Back when the order of the spinning star
Was at its full strength,
You could use your teleportation.
You know, like lazuli
made these incredible
Teleportation circles all over candia
That were like a network for the monks
To travel around in secret.
Now the trick with them is basically
That they're incredibly dangerous
Because there's no one
left who really knows
How to fix them.
So when one of them breaks,
They just break and can't be fixed.
And additionally because
they're a network,
As some break they
destabilize all the others.
You coming here was because you're
One of the strongest warrior monks left
And were the most likely
to survive the trip.
Even you coming here was a
risk to your life and limb.
- I guess cumulous just relays that.
- But there are more of you.
Are they on another plane
of existence or something?
How does?
- They would be on this plane.
We haven't been able to do very much
Since the archmage died.
We were created, i don't know
how much you wanna know, but.
- I wanna know everything, yeah.
- We were created by the archmage
And after she died we weren't really able
To do anything until candia
ended up going to w*r.
And that released us from certain vows
That lead us to participate
in what's happening now.
- Huh.
- Cumulous admires your sword.
- Yeah.
Would you like to look at my sword?
- He picks it up and looks
at it, cries a little bit.
- Yes, the archmage.
- There's magic in this, isn't there?
- Yes, archmage lazuli gave this to me.
- It's a fine gift.
- Yeah, she was pretty rad, i guess.
She just kinda ruled.
- She was my favorite.
- Yeah, she was my favorite too.
- She had some pretty revelatory ideas.
- Yeah.
- About magic.
- Yeah, she was just
really smart and kind of—
- So smart.
- In a way that, just so
smart that you can't help but,
You know, you feel like you
have a crush on her or something
But then she's so smart
that it's just like,
Oh you're like, this other thing.
- She's like in a different thing.
- She's like a different thing,
But then also you respect the work so much
That you're like, i just wanna live
To make your dreams come true.
You're like her dream, so like.
- Inspiration.
You're multi faceted.
You have a lot of facets.
- I hug cumulous.
And burst into tears.
- You guys hold each other
and just work through a lot
In the stinking under decks
of this bleu cheese ship.
Incredible.
- Theo, your name's theo?
- My cork tipped rapier pokes you guys.
- Ow, ow.
- I examine your sword.
- Is there magic in it?
- Yes.
I'm crying.
- He loves magic.
- You guys awaken the next morning.
The bulb shines brightly in the sky
On a pure, glistening, white, milky ocean.
Sailors have gathered on deck to have
A funeral at sea for their fallen comrade.
You see that as they do,
Annabelle presides over,
speaks a couple words in lacra.
- She kept the faith.
She kept the old ways.
The ways of house cheddar.
I release you into the
breast of the ocean.
Keep sharp, sailor.
And away she goes.
- I'd like to take the milk silk banner
That primsy made for us and i'd like
To tie it to my collar.
- You tie the milk silk to your collar
And annabelle turns and smiles at you.
As you all awaken, your first
long rest in quite awhile.
Captain annabelle looks to you.
The duchess coldbottle is
still asleep below decks.
She was making some death
saves there for a little while.
The captain annabelle comes up to you.
You guys are fed a sailor's breakfast.
At least this ship was
stocked for a full voyage.
Annabelle looks and says.
- Right, so the good news is we made
It through the storm
and we are on our way.
But our way is a little bit lost.
We were blown quite out far to sea.
So we are somewhere right now
In the far west of the dairy sea.
We've been blown off course.
To make it back to lacramore,
We'll probably not get there 'til
The 18th day of brightdusk.
- I mean, i was pretty sure that maybe
Our path had changed anyways.
- I think that might be very likely.
- You guys hear some
faint footsteps coming up
From below decks.
And you see primsy coldbottle comes up
Holding unto her stomach
which has been bandaged.
She walks up and says.
- Good morning.
I would very much like to invite
The royal house of rocks,
sovereigns of candia
To parlay in the captain's quarters.
If you'd be so kind.
- It would be an honor.
- It'd be an honor.
- Are b*stards invited?
- Speaking on behalf of
the house of cheddar,
Sovereign seat of the dairy islands,
The dairy islands does not recognize
The excommunication of the king amethar
Of the house of rocks.
- Yes!
- I go to high five her.
- What's that?
- It's something my brothers would do,
But it's the only thing i liked.
You put your hand up too.
- Aye, you struck me.
Why have you done this?
It was wee and gentle, but
you've struck me nonetheless.
- Well, you do it to me.
Isn't it kinda fun?
Ah!
- Right.
- I like your bandage.
- Right, it kept me from dying.
- That's great.
- So you were very brave in that fight.
Did you, you didn't need to
see in the dark to fight.
- I, um.
- I saw you do a swan dive.
You shot someone three times in the head
And then did a full
swan dive off the side.
- Mm-Hm.
- Just into the dark, in the ocean.
- It's pretty crazy
what really thick grief
Will do to you.
I'm kind of drowning in the middle
Of a big sea of grief and regret.
And my obsession with revenge
Has given me new abilities.
- She comes over and takes your hand
In both of your hands
and holds it and says.
- There is a great deal to mourn for.
You're not wrong to feel grief.
Let us to the captain's quarters
And discuss what must be discussed.
- Your distant cousins join.
- Oh yeah, he's in the
christmas card circuit.
I mean the frosten-Ing.
- High frosting's eve.
- High frosting's eve.
He's in the high frosting's
eve card circuit.
- High frosting is also a
dairy islands tradition, right?
- Aye, it 'tis!
- It's a blending of dairy and candia?
- 'tis, aye, 'tis a
tradition there as well.
So, what we would like
is to have you come down.
We'll have some tea and we'll
serve some small sandwiches.
Make it nice.
- Lovely.
- You guys all go down
to the captain's quarters
Where you speak.
Annabelle and primsy are both there.
- Primsy, i just wanted to say,
I'm so sorry about stilton.
- Right, young love is hard.
And i didn't expect for my wedding day
To end with my new husband boarding
My sinking ship and stabbing
me through the stomach
To inherit my throne that he had only
Become entitled to less
than 12 hours before.
But ya live and ya learn.
- You live and you learn.
- You honestly are thriving in adversity.
- Yeah, that's a lot of
closure to get in four hours.
- I think you might be a w*r guy.
- Right, well, no, i'm a w*r gal.
- Yes, you are! Yes, you are!
- Yes, i am, that's right.
- Me too.
- Ha, ha, ha, that's great.
- I'm a w*r guy.
Cumulous is just a w*r guy.
- She looks and says, so.
- Wow, you really ally-Ed that dice.
- Hey!
- Hey!
- What the f*ck? Um.
Okay, sorry.
- I've just been waiting.
I've been waiting for somebody
To throw the dice up so i could say it.
Just some light bullying.
- Ally hasn't dropped a
single die this season.
- I know, ally, you've
done a really good job
At not messing up.
- Sure, maybe i practice at home.
- So you see that primsy
looks up and says.
- The loyalty and bravery
of the house of rocks
And of the candian people
cannot be overlooked.
And clearly, fidelity to the faith
And devotion to the bulbian church
Does not a good man make.
Or else my departed
husband, oo, i'm a widow!
- Well, now.
- Widow, b*stard, these are
all very fun things to become.
- Does it count as a widow if you never?
Because it's sort of like an annulment,
But more permanent.
- Right, well yeah, that's true.
We never consummated.
So i guess i'm just back on the market.
- Single and ready to mingle.
- Yeah, no baggage at all, that's nice.
Right, well, i will say this.
It is clear that professed faith
To the bulb above does not a good man make
And the rumors of candia's
practice of witchcraft
Have been proven true.
And yet, it has not made them
anything less than virtuous.
Which, to the enterprising mind,
Would beg the question.
If it is true that a witch can be virtuous
Then what does that make
The church's position on witchcraft?
A strong question indeed.
So, what i would like to ask is,
What occurred following the
events of the grand tournament?
And how
Can we see candia made whole
Without the destruction
of your lands and mine?
- Great question.
- We might need another
plate of sandwiches
To get through this one.
- A couple more.
- Annabelle speaks up and says.
- Right, well look, let's start with
What happened after the tournament
And what happened at the cathedral.
Sir morris wrote his letter
With very little amount of time
left, so i didn't get much.
But what happened?
- Quite simply, i was
married to a commoner
From the dairy islands.
And they used that to
excommunicate me from the church.
- But this is after a bulbian church
Assassination attempt on my father's life.
- That's right.
- You were excommunicated
for adultery alone?
That seems like a...
- Well, technically for
breaking the oath of marriage.
- Right.
You entered into a false oath
When you married queen caramelinda.
- Yeah.
- So then,
The king is now technically liam's father.
And candia is now at w*r.
- Did mom know?
- What? That i was married before?
- Mm-Hm.
- No. Nobody knew.
- Well, mom was married before.
- Yeah, but she died, it's different.
- I know.
- You see annabelle looks up and says.
- Queen caramelinda was
wed before? To whom?
- My sister.
She was promised to lazuli.
And in order to, when she passed,
Alliances needed to be held.
I was expected to marry her.
- Right.
And you never,
And you never said anything to caramelinda
Nor to your sisters?
- My sisters know.
But it was during the w*r and
The thought was that it would be handled
When the w*r was over and also that
It wouldn't be a problem
because i was so far down
The line of succession.
But when the w*r came to an end
And my sister lay dead on the ground,
I was the only one left
to take the throne.
- Did you not try to find catherine ghee?
- Attempts were made right after the w*r
But we never could.
- She disappeared?
- Annabelle speaks up and
crosses her arms and says.
- Well, we already know
that the dairy islands
Were hit, perhaps harder
than any other kingdom
During the ravening w*r.
It's not uncommon for entire islands
To have been slaughtered.
Nor was it uncommon for
entire islands to flee
When marauders of meat landers
or ceresians would come.
A commoner, someone with the surname ghee
Would probably have had
the sense to flee there.
Especially if there was
reason for them to think
They would have been
a target being married
To royalty in the midst of a w*r
Can be a dangerous occupation of sorts.
- That was the thought.
- Well.
There's a difference
between candian scouts
Looking through the dairy islands
And dairy islanders themselves.
There are small spits of
cheeseland out in the milk
Where only our ships know to find them.
So if catherine ghee
is out there somewhere,
We can set sail a ship to find her.
- Oh, sorry, what?
- The dairy islands will
help you in this regard
And if it were to be a
point in your standing
With the church to have
that marriage be annulled
We will help you find catherine ghee.
If only to even ask questions.
- But i mean, do you really want to find.
You've kind of got a
thing going with ruby and.
- I mean, i would never.
It would never be a question of,
You're my daughters and i love you.
I mean, this is a lot.
But i mean, general,
You seem to be, it would be strategic
The finding of catherine
ghee for the annulment.
- Right, well, at least
the annulment would mean
That you could enter into a
marriage with caramelinda now.
And you know, it would not erase
The past 18, 20 years of your life,
But some could be made whole and right
In the eyes of the church.
- I mean, it's worth a shot.
- She nods and says, right,
Well we can send out scouts and ships
As fast as we can when
we return to lacramore.
Primsy speaks up and says.
- How did the pontifex
know if the only people
That knew were you and
your sisters who all died
20 years ago?
- We needed a witness.
And manta ray jack was my
best friend at the time.
- Manta ray.
That's why he was gone.
That's morris' letter.
- Yeah.
- How did they find out that?
- That i don't know.
- The priest who married you, perhaps?
- She was doing magic.
So maybe she did magic to find her then?
- Didn't you say you found a bunch
Of secrets in some crazy vaults?
- Yes, we found secrets
but we did not find
Any candian secrets.
- Well, that we know.
It could have been that senator
ciabatta found the secrets.
- And he told us that there wasn't.
- Mm.
- I should have picked his pocket.
- Didn't you find scary
stuff about milk silk?
- No, they were using the
recipe for milk silk to make—
- To make water daggers.
- It's the same recipe.
- At the time that we were ambushed,
Just before that, it was suggested by
The lady plumbeline that senator ciabatta
Be made emperor.
We have reason to believe
that he may have stolen
Some candian secrets and this all might
Be connected to ceresia.
- I'm sorry, dad.
We didn't even.
- We didn't know.
- Oh girls, these are
my mistakes, not yours.
- You see that she—
- Our mistakes.
Because they affect us.
- Okay, but i made them.
- They're theobald's mistakes.
- They are, my king.
Your mistakes are my mistakes.
- Physically, no, cumulous.
- Cumulous, if you must.
- You really are a w*r guy, god damn.
- Can i just say how weird it is
To be about to marry
a woman and she passes
So you marry her younger brother.
That's a crazy pivot, right?
How did that work?
- It was really weird and strange,
But the alliance, i mean,
candia was fractured
By the w*r and we needed to remain whole.
And a marriage needed to happen.
- Oh, jet, what does your book say about
The ramsian doctrine?
- Oh, if we have downtime i would love
To play with my alchemical
supplies and read my book.
- You got 18 days of
downtime while you guys
Find your course and
get back sailing east.
- Yeah, i have good history.
I'd love to help jet go through her book.
- Incredible.
We'll end this scene though
By annabelle looks at you and says.
- Wait a minute, so the lady plumbeline
Named senator ciabatta as the successor,
So why isn't ciabatta on
the concordant throne?
- Because she lied.
- How did people find out?
- Because of the book of lazuli.
- No, the book of um...
- Citron.
- Citrina.
- Citrina.
- You see that she says.
- So wait, all right,
so if she was working
With the pontifex and
she said senator ciabatta
And then touched the book
and then said it wasn't him,
Wouldn't she have known
That this was the game the whole time?
Maybe this was a plot to
prevent senator ciabatta
From being the one person
that we could confirm
Was not to be successor.
- Ugh, this is making my head hurt.
- Aye, politics is bad.
You see the—
- This is why i resisted
the necessity to rule.
- You see that annabelle says.
- If only we knew who the emperor
Had actually named
successor before he died.
- We do!
- We do.
- Amethar.
- We were there, it was amethar.
- Yeah, it's me.
- So you are the concordant emperor?
- I should be, i mean, in theory.
- Did you not, when you
had your hand on the book
Did they ask you?
- No, they asked me about—
- That's when they
swapped in the question.
- It was an ambush.
- Yeah, they got us.
- It was a real gotcha moment.
- It was a gotcha.
- I would say we were bamboozled.
- Mm, yes.
- One could say we were punked.
- Yeah, we absolutely got punked.
- I would say hoodwinked.
- It was crazy, the pontifex
was wearing a trucker hat.
And she was like, there's
a camera, there's a camera.
- It's as if the bulbian
church is a moral institution
That will do anything to keep its power.
- Mm-Hm!
- Do you wanna play with my weapon?
- Yes.
- You see that primsy
looks at you and says.
- The title of concordant emperor
Is not an inherited title and it cannot
Be stripped through excommunication.
The pontifex does not have the authority
To remove the concordant
emperor from power.
- She has the authority by power, though,
Because she just did it.
- But laws and such.
- She had the whole army against us.
- I personally agree.
I think that, you know, my personal issues
With the bulb aside, it seems as though
The workings of the bulbian church
Contradict a lot of the
more virtuous beliefs
Of the bulb and the church should
Be dismantled brick by brick.
- Yeah, that broccoli lady sucks.
- Yeah, she does suck.
- That f*cking carrot.
- I tried to k*ll her.
I mean, we tried to k*ll her.
We came close, too.
- Yeah, we got close.
- Everyone got lazy, right?
So the plan is to k*ll
everyone in the church?
- Yes!
- You see the two dairy
ladies start to kind of draw
A little bit back.
- I'm gonna slice that carrot's face off.
- We're gonna slice the carrot's face off.
- Yeah, the carrot, absolutely.
- That carrot is gonna get f*cked.
- Yeah, and the broccoli lady.
- The pontifex did...
- I'm not giving her a title.
She's not worthy of it.
- The pontifex is ponti-f*cked.
- That's right, in that context i like it.
- Annabelle says.
- Right, well, we can
comb the dairy islands
For catherine ghee and
for this father belford.
Sir morris was able to rescue manta ray
So we should at least be able
To get some answers there, hopefully.
And if we can get you,
If there's some way to get that relic
To get the book of saint citrina,
We could at least confirm that you are
The emperor of the concord.
And that any act of w*r against candia
Was done without the
say so of the emperor.
- Right.
- Who would, we would have to maybe use
The book obviously to prove that,
Maybe with plumbelina as well, right?
She was the other person in the room.
- Aye, and the pontifex herself.
- Yes.
- Head of the church, though she might be,
She is not above the law of the bulb.
- I wanna make the pontifex answer
A question about the bulb.
- Oh, i would love to just
get her hand on that book.
- Do you use the bulb for power?
- Say everything.
- Yeah.
- Oh, i shoulda taken that book!
We didn't have time.
- I think considering
everything that's at play here,
I wonder if it's possible that there are
Many nations working together
to dismantle the empire
And they don't, the fact
that they haven't named
A new emperor or aren't trying to
Makes me think that people are—
- Well, we don't know if they've named
A new emperor, because
we've been out at sea.
- Yeah.
- But i think theobald is unto something
And that maybe they don't
intend to name a new emperor.
And that the pontifex will serve
In some sort of supervisory
role indefinitely.
- I mean, they were
trying to get curd, right?
Curdeau?
- They wanted—
- They were trying to get him.
- They were trying to get him to be—
- They might not know that he's dead yet.
- Oh! That is what we forgot to tell you.
Primsy, you were supposed to be there.
- Disguised self, curdeau. We go back.
- Ah, tee-Hee hee, h*, h*, h*!
- There's already a boat
with other sailors on it.
- Oh, you're right.
- Huh, yeah, you're right.
- Primsy looks at you and says.
- Right, i knew the work that the.
I knew that the emperor was likely
To choose amethar as his successor.
But i did, and i told that to stilton and.
Rather, i...
I do not know what stilton was up to,
But i do know that he was ambitious
And that his vows he had
taken in youth were in his way
Because it meant he could not marry.
And that was a priority for him.
But i thought, i don't know,
Sometimes it felt like he
wanted to marry for love
And other times it felt like he wanted
To be able to sit on
the throne side by side.
Now, i did not fault
him for it before i knew
What type of man he truly was.
Right, well.
I do not know what roles stilton played
In all of these plots or schemes.
But i do know this,
That we will stand by our candian allies.
We owe you our lives.
And though we are perhaps the smallest,
Or not as small as candia, maybe,
But the second smallest
and much less magical,
We will stand by candia.
- Thank you, thank you.
- I kneel, yeah.
- She performs a deep curtsy and says.
- Rise, your majesty.
- You guys sail.
You guys have a bunch of downtime.
What are you guys going
to do in your downtime?
- I have two academic pursuits.
One of them is i would like to continue
To look for, in my banned
books i've discovered
The profidian prophesy,
But i would now like to look
for the ramsian doctrine.
- You have the information
in that book if you remember.
Go ahead and give me a history roll.
Give me history, arcana, and.
Give me history, arcana, and religion.
And i will say that
Because you got all the time in the world,
I'll let you assign
the rolls that you roll
To the skills that you want.
- Can i?
- You can help on each one.
- Because i'd like to help, yeah.
- Okay, yeah, because i have
plus one to each of them.
Okay, oh, i should have done.
Because they're.
- The ones that advantage.
- Oh yeah, i do like the lowest ones.
Lowest ones, highest ones, okay.
Okay, so i got 13 on each of them.
- Okay.
- Amazing.
- What you find across those skills is...
- Can i help?
I have a plus five to history, can i?
- Mm-Hm.
- Can i pick one of those?
- Yeah, just give me a history roll.
- Okay.
- Just give me a history roll.
- 20.
- Okay, so the the prophidian heresy
Is this old thing that we know.
That like, it's a theodicy.
It's a way of explaining the presence
Of evil in the world.
And there was a period of time where
There was a very popular
sect of these veguit priests
Would basically come along and say,
The hungry one and the
bulb are equally powerful
Because if they weren't, it would mean
That the bulb was allowing
the presence of evil
To exist in the world and that can't be.
However, the implication that the bulb
Was less than all powerful did not survive
Very long in the larger
halls of the church.
And eventually that was declared a heresy
And the people that wouldn't
renounce that doctrine
Were ex*cuted and k*lled.
In this book you find notice of
A priest named bartholomew brocolpatch
That was an old arch deacon somewhere
Off in vegetania.
And you find a name where he was
The one who first granted
ecclesiastical orders
To a young belizabeth brassica.
So it was her mentor.
He was k*lled for a belief
in the the prophidian heresy.
He would not renounce that belief.
He tried to find a way
to make it more palatable
Or make it work within
the theology of the church
And it never quite happened.
The ramsian doctrine is something you find
That is not, it's not a theodicy.
It's not about church philosophy,
As much as it is about church cosmology.
This is, so the first
leaf is kind of this like
Moral, ethical belief.
The second one is about
what's going to happen.
Some old school blood and fire sort of
Gospel revelations type stuff.
The ramsian doctrine is a
belief concerning eschatology.
It's about how the world ends.
- This is f*cking awesome.
- What it says is that,
The final destruction of the hungry one
By the bulb and the final
salvation of all souls
Cannot occur until the
hungry one devours the world.
And the ramsian doctrine
is the belief that
There are certain souls that are delicious
And healthy and, it's old bulbosi words
That are hard to understand.
Like a lot of the language
is so old that it's hard.
Like one of them means like healthy, but.
- I speak bulbosi.
- You speak bulbosi?
So you're translating it.
The words are really
weird because they mean,
It means like spiritually healthy
But the actual technical translation
Is locally sourced farm to table.
- Ha!
- And fresh greens, healthy.
There's a lot of stuff like that in there
That's like, it's sort
of an interesting thing.
But basically it says that
the other type of souls,
The word is, it's like a
curse word in old bulbosi.
Which for a celestial
type language is weird
To have a curse word in it.
There's a curse word in it that,
It's the word for food and people
In bulbosi is interchangeable.
And there's a word that basically means
The worst type of trash.
Like refuse people.
Or it could be translated as
refuse people or junk food.
- Is the curse word junk food?
- Their curse word is junk food.
And basically what it says is,
The presence of junk food in the world
Is what is preventing the hungry one
From devouring world because it wants
A healthy meal.
And as a result of that,
Until those people that are
junk are removed from the world,
The final salvation cannot happen.
- Oh no.
- I just really quickly scan
To see if there's any prophesies
about the b*stard jet.
- Just give me a little arcana roll
If you'd be so kind.
- 15.
- You give it a quick scan.
You might wanna come back later
Because there could be
like a secret cipher
Or it could be like every third letter.
- Okay, i could get deep into that.
- Okay.
You got time.
- I actually have a scroll for you
If you want to add some things to it.
Right now i have the
princess jet of house rocks,
First of her name, duchess of gumberly,
Lady of the realm.
Would you like me to add
b*stard of the realm?
- Yes, i would like you to
cross everything else out.
- Everything else?
- And just say.
- Lady jet b*stard of the realm.
- Lady jet, b*stard of the realm.
- At your commands, your b*stard highness.
- Can you add b*stard of the realm,
Master acrobatess to mine?
- You know, you've gotta update
Your scrolls every once in awhile.
- I think cumulous wants
to grab the candians to,
Not physically grab them.
Just to have—
- Get your hands off of me.
- To have a chat with them.
- Great.
- Come in here, please.
- This is a really small closet.
- It's really tiny.
- Yeah, there's so many of us.
- A lot of dried fish in here.
- There's a conference room where we can—
- I'm really big.
- There's a beautiful
conference room on the ship.
- Try and squeeze in.
All right, we're squeezed in.
- Just like sucks into
the corner of the room.
- I'm just gonna stand in the doorway.
I don't feel like there's room for me
In this small closet.
- Squeeze in.
- No, okay.
- It appears to me that
You all don't fully understand
What is happening in this world.
And what is actually important.
- Okay.
- k*lling the carrot?
- k*lling the carrot is...
- Number one?
- Important.
I think that would be not unimportant.
But from what i understand,
From what the archmage has told me
And what i've learned from
her and our order has learned,
Is that the magic of
candia and the people,
It's not innate, we are
not normally magical.
It is something that has been tended to
By our organization, the spinning star,
For many years in secret.
The stones that people worship,
The sugar-Plum fairy, all of those things
That people draw magic
from are curated by us.
And so that's where the
magic of candia comes from.
- Whoa, you've gotta slow down.
Did you just say that
the sugar-Plum fairy,
The like, i don't know,
kind of spirit of our world,
You curated her?
- Curated.
That is a source of magic
that is present on our land.
There are others, but that is one of them
That's maybe the most powerful.
But that's just something going
on specifically in candia.
Other lands have magic that
they just have not tended to
And that's why it has been lost.
- Does the church see magic as being
One of the causes of
turning food into junk food?
Am i allowed to say junk food?
- Watch your mouth!
- The church knows.
The bulb is real.
The bulb is a real source of power,
And same with the hungry one.
They are two sides to the same coin.
But the church knows that their power
Comes from other people not having magic.
And so they have moved to destroy it
Wherever they can find it.
- Selfish.
- We were created as a
reaction to the bulbosi church.
- I think theo's having like flashbacks
Of like lazuli saying kind
of similar things to him.
Can you still speak to lazuli rocks?
Does she still exist in some way?
- I've seen her.
- That's news to both of you.
That ruby just said that.
- You've seen her outside
of your one vision
When you were?
- Yeah, i see her all the time.
- You see her all the time?
- All the time?
- In reflections in
mirrors when i do magic.
When i am thinking about
my past all the time.
I keep on seeing her.
She doesn't talk to me, not really.
It's only flashes, but.
- I think cumulous just kind
of like holds his necklace.
- Yeah, i think this
is like a hard moment.
- Did you tell me this or no?
- Probably in our little twin moments.
- Yeah, okay.
- Because i saw rococoa as well.
- Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, you told me.
Right, yeah.
- Well, that's amazing.
What i know is that we have to
Protect the magic in this world
And for it to survive,
candia must survive.
So we have to protect candia.
- But how do we fight such
a selfish, power hungry
Giant group of religious zealots?
- They have everybody in
calorum under their thumb.
- We fight the same way
you fight anything else.
I don't know, with
swords, shields, strength,
Allies, friends, hard work, late nights.
- I like the latter part of this.
I do think that considering
all that we've learned today
It's possible that the pontifex is,
Based on jet's research, it's possible
That the pontifex is directly
working for the hungry one.
- The hungry one, i draw my
strength from the hungry one.
- Oh, h*, h*. I'm sorry.
- So this is, all of it is just,
They're sources of power.
It doesn't mean, i do not
worship the hungry one.
I am just able to tap into its power.
And i have a feeling that she
does not worship the bulb,
But she is able to tap into its powers.
- Right.
- You look at that eschatology.
Jet, you understand that what
The eschatology is, it is a warped vision.
The ramsian doctrine says,
The ramsian doctrine is
rooting for the bulb to win.
And it says that the bulb can't win until
The world is destroyed.
And the world can't be destroyed until
The hungry one eats it.
And the hungry one won't eat
something that's unhealthy.
So literally—
- So we need to fill this
world with junk food.
- A little bit of candian magic
And sweet, sugary high fat treats
Swirls around you in a
little burst of magic.
- I think... I think that's it.
- Well, let's think.
How would we?
- But do we want the world to end?
- No!
- No, we're preventing
the world from ending.
- If we sprinkle a little
candy on everywhere
Like zucchini bread and then a donut.
- Oh!
- Bacon and chocolate is delicious.
- Sweet meat, yes!
Bacon and chocolate, ice cream.
- I think also, the reason
the bulb has so much power
Is because people think that the pontifex
Has ultimate moral authority.
And once we can prove that wrong.
- Yeah, i agree with
that a little bit more
Because if we're going
off this ramsey doctrine
Trying to prove it, we
shouldn't play that game.
It's just so unbelievably fake.
I feel like you have to ask,
Who benefits from this, who wrote it?
- Yeah.
- Of course a healthy country wrote
A doctrine that said, there shouldn't be
Anything unhealthy in the world.
We need to get rid of it.
It's just completely bullshit.
- There's strength in sweetness.
- Yes.
- You guys sail the rest
of the way to lacramore.
Many enemies conspire
against you on the mainland.
But some clarity has come to you.
The shadowy forces at
the edges of your lives
Gain some definition
as you understand more
About how and why these
machinations have come to pass.
As you sail east through the dairy sea,
Captain annabelle cheddar
arrives at a certain point
In the islands and says.
- Right, i'll leave it
in your careful hands.
We can sail to lacramore
or we can bring you
Straight to the cola river
and to the port there.
- Cola river.
- I think we go to the cola river and.
- Drink some milk coke.
- You send out allies
to find catherine ghee
And upon receiving
anything, you let us know.
- You guys sail southeast.
You arrive at the mouth of the cola river
Where the coca-Cola mixes with the milk
Into big, chunky curds.
- It's like a root beer float!
- Oh yeah, it's just a big.
- It's a coke float.
- Coke float, that's not a
disgusting thing, it's delicious.
- Quickly, drink it fast.
- Whoa, are you okay?
Like when you see a friend
eat for the first time
And realize they eat like a maniac.
They're just like.
- Oh sh*t, is that me?
- Yeah, we're all talking
about you behind your back.
- I mean, you did snog brie down.
- You snogged it, dude, straight up.
You didn't eat it.
- You made out with that
brie and then put it back.
- You guys see, well thankfully,
You guys are not, if you were worried
About imperial soldiers or
enemies somewhere like that,
You guys arrive at port
syrup at the mouth of—
- Port syrup?
- You arrive at port syrup at the mouth
Of the cola river.
This ship of house bleu sails in.
You see that they're.
As you sail in, hold on a second.
You see the mast of not one, not two,
But three imperial warships
sunk into the harbor.
And you see the flags of house jawbreaker
And house rocks flying over port syrup.
With huge ballista and giant
crossbows on the towers here.
It looks like port syrup
has armed up pretty fast.
And as you guys sail into port
You see that annabelle runs down
And gets a little banner
underneath house cheddar
And a small banner of the
house of rocks flies up
Underneath the flag on the la fondue.
- Is my dad there?
- You're not certain. You don't know.
You come into port.
As you come in and begin
to harbor at the port,
You see two figures
running down the harbor
As fast as they can.
One fully armored and the other running
On a little peg leg.
Sir morris brie and manta ray jack.
- Yes, sir!
- Come sprinting.
Sir morris says.
- Captain, captain cheddar!
- And you see that manta ray says.
- And there he is, the rascal, gah!
- I grab him, oh i'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
- I'm so sorry.
- No, i'm so sorry.
- I am so sorry.
- I never should have
put you in that position.
I saw you and i should have
done something about it.
I'll say this to you.
Look, i would have made it out of there,
But something happened at the last minute.
I was about to break free and then a chain
Magically wrapped around me
seven, or eight, or nine times.
- Oh, yeah, that was a thing.
I don't know, the f*cking church
Is outta control, i'll tell ya.
- Oh, ha, ha, they are!
I'll tell ya this.
They put the screws in me
For five different hours, they did!
And they were a stabbin' and a burnin'
And they pulled me teeth out
And they kicked me and they
kicked, and they kicked
And i said nothing.
And then they remembered that they had
That book that makes you tell the truth.
I'll tell ya, that book is a real...
- It messes you up, right?
- It messes you, right, yes.
I hate it.
I hate to put my hand on
it and tell the truth.
- Well clearly you put the screws in them.
- Ha, ha, ha!
- I point at all ships.
- He says, oh, that we have! That we have!
Aye, we've been helping
your candian sailors here
With their naval craft and such.
What i, i'll tell you this.
Things are bad out there but we managed,
Morris and i managed to skip out through
The imperial lines and get word to candia
To put the border up.
We managed to escape.
Not everybody made it.
The lord and lady swirly, um, were found.
- Did they put up a fight at least?
- Not at all. They went right down.
They went right down.
- That makes, honestly, that tracks.
- I don't know them, but i'm imagining
A very weak man and a very weak.
- They had like funny voices.
I brought 'em along because
they were funny to be around.
- What about cal?
- How do you think we
made it past the lines?
- Oh, h*, h*.
- He's a good man, that.
And for the moment, imperial troops
Have come from ceresia.
They're in the great
stone candy mountains.
Your father is, the castle
many licks surrounded.
But right now at least,
The south is safe, the cola
river is being patrolled,
And muffin field is mustered.
They've mustered, as
well as the west cake.
Sir amanda maillard has returned back
And led the troops south.
And right now castle candy
is holding unto cal and.
- The lady?
- The queen, aye.
- So my dad might be in trouble?
- Aye.
- He's very in trouble.
We're gonna do something about it.
- He's all right.
I mean, no one in the history of calorum
Has ever taken castle many licks.
But he could probably hold out
For another few months or so.
But time will tell.
- Better to get him out sooner than later.
- Yeah.
- You see sir morris
brie is there and says.
- Right, young lady.
- Me?
- Aye.
So you were the voice in my head?
- Yes.
- He nods and says.
- Well, i am a knight
of the bulbian church,
But like every good dairy islander,
I grew up hating the
words of the fair folk
Out there on the milky sea.
I know when one's touched with the gift,
And i thank you.
- Thank you.
- You, so there's this cheerful reunion.
Morris comes over to you and says.
- No concordan emperor has been named.
In the interim the pontifex is saying
That until candia is brought back
Into the fold one way or another,
That there cannot be
a cornucopian council.
Not with the original
wording of the concord.
So until the matter is settled,
She will be stewarding the concord.
- Of course.
- Shocking.
- Yeah.
- You're apart of bulbian church, morris?
- Aye, i was knighted
in the bulbian church.
- Do you like it?
- It's not really about.
- It's bullshit, right?
- Smack.
- Ah!
- We're not gonna be running around
Questioning people's beliefs.
- We have to.
We have to dispel the
bulbian's hold on people.
Starting right now.
- I think the better way though,
Can i say this privately so.
- Yeah.
- I think the better
way, oh yeah, twin speak!
- I speak twin speak now.
- In twin speak i say,
I think the better way is just
To slowly seduce the innate,
Or the magic in other communities
So that we are.
- Yeah, you should seduce him.
- All right.
Hey, morris.
- Aye.
- You look like you
could really pack it in.
- What?
- Wow.
- Liam, what are you doing?
- On my honor as a knight of house cheddar
And of the dairy islands.
I hereby challenge you to a duel.
- What?
- You have insulted my honor.
- No, i just mean like you could—
- You've insulted my honor.
- You just look like you're capable.
- What is meant by pack it in!
Where? And what?
What is being packed into where!
- No, you just look... I meant like...
You know when you go camping
You have to pack in...
You have to load out.
- He's a seed guy.
He's a big seed guy.
- Pack it into the ground, bury it.
- Don't, i know a w*r guy when i see one.
- I haven't touched a seed in a long time.
I am now a w*r guy.
I'm sorry, i was looking.
You just look like you have
a big capacity to um...
Do you wanna get a drink sometime?
- Smack.
- All right, after this w*r is settled
You and i will find a
misty field in the morning
And we will settle this
honor out ourselves.
- That's hot.
- No, that's not how i meant it.
- That's so hot, right?
- We will find a misty field—
- In twin speak i say, yeah.
- Before either my friend or my cousin
Is gonna get k*lled, all right.
- Everyone needs to stop
making more sworn enemies.
We have enough.
- Can i just say, the dairy islands are,
In canon, your closest allies.
You have beefed it with no body.
Every single dairy islander has been
Deeply insulted multiple
times by all of you
At every passing moment.
- But you have zero charisma
And i have negative two, so.
- The most legendary one was when
- All of our charisma is so low.
- Theobald's threatening via message.
- Oh my god, that was insane.
Don't scream no matter what you see.
- Yeah, i have the
highest charisma, i think.
- He walks away, like,
I do not understand
this world that i find.
- Can i follow cumulous?
- Yes, you can.
- Oh dang, buddy, buddy.
Sorry, it's been a crazy three
or two weeks plus for us.
Man, it's just nice to
be around friends again.
- It's nice to be around you as well.
I love the spinning star
and the work we have done
But i have not seen people
I have been related to in so long.
- Yeah well, you're back amongst family.
Did you have intentions for
us when we got back to candia?
Or are you just coming along?
- I'm here.
You.
Part of my charge is to protect
The magical secrets of candia.
And although that is not necessarily,
I have to be honest,
it's not necessarily you.
A lot of it is what you carry.
Can i see your sword?
- Yeah, actually, you can see my sword.
It's payment day.
It's the sword of the royal family.
Are you crying?
- It's just a good sword.
- So you guys are in port syrup.
How do you travel?
Do you travel openly here?
I mean, they're flying the
flag of house rocks here.
It seems like candia has been warned
Because manta ray jack
and morris got here.
And it seems like it is safe to be open,
But i also don't wanna, you
guys have been on the run,
So i don't wanna tell you
guys how you do your business.
- I retrained my rogue
level to be a fighter
So i don't hide anymore.
- Yeah, i'm done skulking.
- Cool.
A royal.
- I'm f*cking skulking
the sh*t outta this place.
- A royal welcome is put out.
People cheer as they see the king.
The candians here applaud.
I mean, there might be some people
That are skulking around saying sh*t,
But for the most part, it seems like
The people of candia have
more love for their king
And princesses than they
do for anything else.
But you do see that the church bells
That would normally ring
At the approach of the king, are silent.
So, it might not be as safe
as you would have imagined.
You arrive at a garrison hall.
One of like the sea towers
looking over the harbor
Where, you know, it's
easy for the royal family
To come in and set up shop there.
Your dairy islander allies are there.
Primsy, annabelle, morris, and manta ray.
And then you guys are there.
There's also some candians there.
Some tart guard, things of that nature.
A report is given to you by
The custodians of the city
That there is a tremendous amount
Of violence in the mountains.
The paths are shut.
Not only are there imperial soldiers there
Fighting the forces of house jawbreaker,
There are also just loose marauders there.
And weird reports of like,
Someone talks about like
there was a mountain pass
Where 40 imperial soldiers were k*lled
And their blood was
scrawled on the frosted side
Of this mountain that just said,
long live the queen, on it.
You see that there is also a notice of
A call for muster has been put out
For all of the various banner lords
And vassals to report to castle candy
Because right now a very small amount
Of forces are holding the southern river
And a huge army is
moving north from comida
To cross the cola river
and attack castle candy.
- I think that we should
go to castle candy.
If the place in the mountains is safe,
They seem to be doing fine.
The only way that we could help
Is to bring an army there.
The place where we could
get an army is castle candy.
- I think that's backwards.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- The mustering castle candy is small.
We would be good to
bring up a larger forces
In the stone candy mountains.
But getting there would
be much more difficult.
- Perhaps if we can help duke
jawbreaker, he'll help us.
- How long do we have until
that force makes it from comida?
Does the report have any
suggestion on how long?
Until that force makes it up the river?
- Why did your dad rebel
against the concord?
Did it have to do with magic?
- Because your dad wouldn't join
And help the dairy islands
when they needed help.
We had a weak king and he didn't wanna be
Apart of candia anymore.
- Your grandfather sucked.
And your dad ruled.
He did the right thing.
- Well, your grandfather
didn't suck, he was—
- He sucked.
- My grandpa sucked.
- Is his grandfather my grandfather?
- You're a cousin of his.
His father who would have been your uncle.
- Your grandfather sucked.
- Can i, is there a way that
I can in someway try
to commune with lazuli?
- Yeah.
- Meditate or look in
a mirror or something?
- Mm-Hm.
- I don't really know what
this necklace is that i have.
- It's just a symbol of your station.
It's not a magical item
or anything like that.
You can try to commune with
a mirror, yeah go for it.
- I have to just, oh, sorry.
- Go give me an arcana check.
- Great.
18.
- A message comes back to you.
And it's not verbal.
You just look into the mirror.
You see.
The road, the river,
going to castle candy.
And the road going into the
great stone candy mountains.
The road going into the
great stone candy mountains,
You see up that road is
A tremendous amount of battle.
But what you see is the troops
That would have, so like,
you're seeing visions
Of the future unfold.
That your aunt is sending you, basically.
To bring any meaningful troops to
Castle many licks, you would
have to completely empty
Port syrup of all its troops.
And this is the main port
That supplies, if this were to fall,
The imperial navy could sail right up
The length of candia.
So, you guys could go to the
great stone candy mountains
And maybe you'd survive long enough
To join the besieged in castle
many licks with no troops.
And as powerful as you
all are as warriors,
Situations like sieges don't get decided
By individuals no matter how powerful.
They get decided by armies,
supplies, logistics.
The only, you go to, you see castle candy
Even though there is this
threat coming from the south,
It looks like they're
coming from the south,
But it also looks like
you see possible confusion
In the ranks of the army
coming up from the south.
You see disagreement politically
Between ceresian and fructeran soldiers
And who's in charge about the
army coming from the south.
Which could mean that there's a potential
For the army mustering at castle candy
To have the time to go
north before going south.
Especially traveling on candia's roads
Which they know so well.
- Great, i relay this to everybody else.
- Damn, laz is just talking to you?
- Well, it wasn't so
much talking as it was
Like moving pictures.
- That's.
- She's sending you her visions.
- Yes.
- That's amazing.
- Let's do it.
- Do we have any allies to the north?
- Perhaps we can get some people
From the dairy islands
to protect the harbor.
- You see that annabelle says.
- Right, we'll return to lacramore,
And muster the dairy islands.
The dairy seas shall not
be safe for any ships
Coming for candia.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- I do not think that would be enough.
- You see that sir morris looks and says.
- We have some dairy islander
ships here ready to sail.
We can get you, we don't
have to travel by road.
We can get you to castle
candy up the cola river
And be there in a day and a half.
- All right.
- Okay, great.
- That sounds like a plan.
- Yeah.
- They nod, morris embraces you.
Manta ray looks at you and says.
- Well, it seems that
before long your majesty,
I'll be seeing you take a sh*t again.
- And i'll be watching you piss.
- Can we say the ships going down
The cola river are like hovercrafts
Because they're milk on top of cola,
So it's just an air bubble underneath.
- Incredible.
Annabelle and the duchess
coldbottle bid you all
A fond farewell as they
sail back to lacramore.
Your allies in the wars to come.
You see that manta ray.
Well actually, it's your guys choice.
Would you wanna leave morris in port syrup
Or manta ray in port syrup and have one
Or the other sail you
guys up the cola river?
- Morris in port syrup or manta?
- I feel like morris in port syrup
And sail with manta ray.
- Yeah, manta ray is.
- Manta ray's a crazy guy.
- You guys are gonna get f*cked
up with each other and then.
- Oh no, i'm done drinking.
Being excommunicated in front
of most of the known world
Will kind of sober you up.
- I'm fine with that, because me flirting
With morris wasn't really going very well.
I'm kind of embarrassed.
- Morris does want to k*ll you.
- Yeah, let's leave sir morris.
- I need to sharpen my skills
A little bit more.
- Liam.
- Yeah?
- Flirt with me.
- What?
- Liam, flirt with me.
- Um, i think you're
probably ready to take it.
- Pretty good.
- That's one more guy.
- I like camping, when you go camping,
You take yourself out.
And you take the elements.
- We all know what you were talking about.
- We all know what you were talking about.
Especially when you said
you could pack it in.
That was wild.
- You ready to get
slammed down, big style!
- What message was it you were reading?
- Is this what your brothers used to say?
- No, this is what all
my parents used to say
And they each loved it.
- Right.
- You see manta ray says.
- All right, well no one on the babybel
Is going to be getting slammed down
Big style on my watch, all right?
Let's have that be very clear.
- Okay.
- You guys board the babybel.
Manta ray sails for house
cheddar most of the time
And maybe when he hasn't sailed
For house cheddar he's sailed
under a different flag.
Maybe with some cross bones on it.
But he's a good man.
- A privateer.
- A privateer!
A regular sir francis drake.
And you guys sail up cola
river past the west cake
Headed towards castle candy.
You guys arrive in castle candy
At four o'clock in the morning.
You guys sail up.
So much has changed, you've changed.
Not even a rogue anymore.
Peppermint batman.
- Different guy.
- A full different guy.
And you guys sail up the cola river
To where we began, castle candy.
The moon shines silvery through
The late summer, purple, pink,
lavender, and fuchsia haze
Of candy mists around.
Even the tavern is dead silent
At four o'clock in the morning.
And you see there are some
lights up in the castle,
But the town of dulcington
is sleepy and quiet.
And you see that manta ray
sails this cheese ship in
And ties it up at the dock.
And says.
- Right, well, we'll be harbored here.
There won't be any inns or taverns open,
So we'll just sleep aboard the ship.
But...
- I'll see you soon.
- Welcome home, your majesty.
- These tattoos are really cool.
- Yeah, they're really cool.
- Would you like one?
They're all manta ray's.
- They're all right.
- I'll take one.
- Yeah, i'll take one too.
- He says.
- You want your house rocks words
Or do you want a little,
keep sharp, on there?
- Oh!
- Give me a little keep sharp, lower back.
- Oh, can i have one of each?
- He nods and says, allies forevermore.
He goes, right.
- Also, will you fill in b*stard jet,
Because i kinda just did that myself.
- A little stick and poke, right, okay?
Well, look at that.
- So many stick and poke tattoos.
- What are you, a bartender?
- Damn, liam.
Liam's at it with these lines today.
- Sassy today, liam.
- That was me flirting.
- Cool, you guys stride up.
Obviously there is a
weird, somber attitude
Because the last time you were here
Was your birthday party
and now candia is at w*r
And you're coming home like sneak thieves
In the middle of the night.
But you guys walk back
up through dulcington
Across the bridge and up to castle candy.
What do you guys do as
you approach castle candy?
- Are there like guards and stuff out?
- Yeah, you see there's some night watch.
You see the others shout.
Who goes there?
- I pull out my scroll.
- There's no need for all of—
- King amethar of the house of rocks,
First of his name, sovereign ruler
Of candia and the sugarlands,
Duke of cookieshire,
protector of the realm,
And defender of the faith.
Veteran of the battle of gumdrop pass
And hero of frosting valley, the unfallen,
The true emperor.
- Now do mine.
- Really, are we doing this?
It's 4:00 a.M.
- Princess jet of the house of rocks.
First of her name, duchess of gumberly,
Lady of the realm, b*stard of the realm.
Princess ruby of house of
rocks, first of her name,
Duchess of pie hole, lady of the realm,
b*stard of the realm, master acrobat.
- It's just the lemon
cough drop, no offense.
- Oh no, none taken.
If you wanna hurt me,
i'm all right with it.
- Oh limon.
- What?
- It's us, limon.
- Oh, you're alive!
Oh saints, preserve you!
Oh! I'm coming down right now!
- He hops over the wall and falls.
- Ah!
- Oh, there's just little
shards of cough drop everywhere.
- How does he survive?
No, don't.
- He does this a lot.
- What's that?
- How did you survive?
- Oh, it was awful.
Well, i knew that if they knew i was candy
That they would k*ll me on sight.
So i covered myself in fruit pig sh*t
And i crawled on hands and knees
All the way up the glycian road.
Being kicked all the way.
- So you abandoned the castle?
- Limon, if you were covered with sh*t,
You're still a crawling piece of sh*t.
There's no difference between crawling
And running at that point.
- What?
- You either didn't need
to cover yourself in sh*t
Or you didn't need to crawl.
I don't know which one it is,
But you didn't need to do one of those.
- Oh! I've beefed it again.
I'm sorry, my lord.
If only you had been there
to straighten my way.
- Actually pretty offensive
to beef people, but.
- What's that?
- It's just a little bit offensive.
- To hell with beef
people, that's what i say.
- Oh!
- No, that's not bad.
- Cumulous puts his staff on limon.
Limon, squire, i sentence you to death.
- No, no, no!
- No, let him do it!
- No, this is his normal state of being,
So it's not like he's worse off.
If anything when he was up there,
I was sure you probably have been better
These past couple of days
than you've been in awhile.
- Oh, i've been great, my lord.
Obviously, i'm soon to
die when the w*r starts.
I'm sure a stray arrow will pierce my head
And leave me as dead as can be.
And good riddance, i say.
The world doesn't need
a cough drop, my lord.
- Limon, can you lead us into the castle?
- When we fight, just save him
for last or something, okay?
Just don't let him take your attention.
- It would be an honor
to die at your hand.
- Later.
- You see the gate.
The gate suddenly lowers.
And there in a night
gown, holding a lantern
Is queen caramelinda who rushes forward
And sweeps you up into a giant embrace
And is just openly weeping.
- Oh, we're not in trouble?
- We're not in trouble?
I really thought we were
gonna be in trouble.
- My sweethearts, my
darlings, you're okay.
I'm so happy you're alive
and you did nothing wrong.
- We actually did a lot of things right.
- Yeah, we did.
- They got tattoos.
- Why would you lead with that?
- I'm sorry.
- And i saved a freaking princess!
- I heard so much but then i saw,
I just wanted to—
- I saved a princess, i saved my dad.
- Get the princesses and
get prince liam inside
As fast as you can, all right?
- Yes, my lady.
- I'm a w*r guy now.
- She puts a hand on your cheek.
I'm very glad.
You guy see that calroy runs out
And you see he's pulling on
perhaps even finer w*r pants.
- Whoa!
- He is ready.
- Lots of pants.
- Now those are some pants.
- He says, well i've had to upgrade
In the absence of
candia's greatest fighter.
- Oh my god, cal, no.
- He hugs you and he's like,
You think you're gonna get away
With not having me watch
you sh*t one last time?
- No, stop, stop.
- You know, just to let everyone know,
When i sh*t no one saw it.
You just go a little bit further away
From everyone else.
- I'm two feet away trying to take a sh*t.
My a*s is out and everybody—
- Liam, stop.
- I'm a w*r guy now.
- Everyone likes me, are you kidding.
- I think you need to open up.
- You see cruller immediately
looks over and says,
Hello, friend.
Who's the hollow eyed companion?
- Who's the hottie?
- Liam has changed.
You see he says, and
where is the chancellor?
- h*!
- The chancellor sacrificed himself
To save prince liam and the rest of us.
It was a beautiful moment of heroism
That the sugar-Plum fairy herself will
Tell all of her friends
about for days to come.
- Days?
- Maybe even weeks.
- We can assume she's busy.
I mean, a lot goes on in whatever realm.
- Well there are days
and years and such, so.
- You see that caramelinda
regards you, amethar.
- We should talk privately.
- You wanna talk now?
- Well i just, it doesn't.
I have a lot to say to you.
- She says, theo, let's get the girls fed
And safe in the castle at once.
Let's get liam with them as well.
- Oh mom, we don't have
to protect us anymore.
- Oh yeah, we're w*r guys too.
- Yeah, we're w*r guys too.
- No one in this castle who is my progeny
Or nephew, liam, you are included,
Is going to be a w*r anything.
You are going to be in the castle safe.
- Can i do a stealth check
right in front of her?
- We are in trouble.
- Yep.
- Mom, i think you don't understand.
We have proven ourself in battle
And we actually don't need to do all this.
- 16.
- 16, cool.
You stealth away.
- Yeah, i would also like to stealth away.
- Cool, go for it.
- 21.
- 21, okay.
- I would like to stealth away.
24.
- What was the lowest one, a 16?
- I would like to stealth away.
Eight.
- Okay, cool.
You got an eight?
- Or a nine.
- A nine, okay.
Caramelinda gets a plus two,
I'll roll in front of the board.
That's a nat 20.
- Oh no!
She reaches—
- I love my curvy wife.
- She reaches out and says, enough!
Slams a high heeled foot into the ground
And the candian grass
turns to thick caramel
And all of you sink a foot
into the ground immediately.
- Can you teach me how to do that?
That was really cool.
- What was that?
- Oh, you wanna learn something?
- Yes!
- Then go get washed and dressed
In some less raggedy
clothes, eat your supper,
Do your lessons, and then
i'll teach you how to do that.
w*r is coming.
It's time to stop fooling around.
- That was really gorgeous, let's go.
- And what's this guy's deal?
- This is our cousin, cumulous.
He worked with my sister.
Laz.
- All right.
All right.
- He saved me in battle.
- Would i have ever crossed paths with?
- Caramelinda?
Yeah, but you were always like, you know,
The people that worked for lazuli,
People like theo were like the fbi
And you were like the cia.
You didn't go make a
big impression at court.
You were always working behind the scenes,
You know what i mean?
- Yeah.
- So, you see that she
says, i'll see you upstairs.
And you see that like tart guard
And other people start coming in.
And by the way, you see there's like,
You didn't see them
because you were walking up
In the middle of the f*cking night
And they were far away and
everyone was dead asleep.
But there's like bivouacs
and tents all over
Of mustered troops.
And when i say mustered i don't
mean mustard like you eat.
- I do have to keep
correcting it in my brain.
- Because it's food stuff,
So there could be
mustard troops somewhere.
- I think as we're walking away,
I wanna send a message to the queen.
And i wanna say, my
queen i wouldn't dare say
Any of this out loud.
I don't want to be taken
as me undermining you
In front of your daughters.
But i will say that without
their prowess in battle
None of us would have made it back
And i, they reminded me
Of a general rococoa
and the archmage lazuli
Who did equally brave things at their age.
- Theobald, noted.
Please see the princesses
to their chambers
That they may be fed and clothed
And given some reprieve
From the journey they have been through.
- Yes, my queen.
- Cool, you guys take off.
Cruller looks over at you and says,
So you are?
- I am a monk of the order
of the spinning star.
- Got it, understood.
- You got it?
- Perhaps we should take a little tour
Of the castle right now to see
If there's any arcane things you know
How to awaken that we don't.
- I will try.
I don't actually have
any arcane, but, yes.
- Cool.
Caramelinda looks at you, amethar,
And begins to walk into the castle.
- I quietly follow.
- You get up to your chambers.
And as you do,
You see she turns to you and says.
How could you never tell me?
- Well, i mean.
I didn't tell anybody.
I mean, my sisters knew
because they were my sisters.
And manta ray jack knew
because he was the witness.
But i didn't.
I thought this was
One of those things you
could never talk about
And it would never be a problem.
I mean, it was already hard enough for us
Just making this work.
I thought it would only
mean more problems.
- Your sisters knew.
So that means that lazuli knew.
- Yeah, she knew.
She actually knew before i knew, i guess.
But didn't know it was
gonna be something she knew.
It was a whole thing.
- Caramelinda looks out
the window and just weeps.
You not telling me makes sense.
Your sisters probably had a
plan when they were alive.
And when they were dead,
You would probably be too scared
To figure out what to do.
So like a child you just
Thought it would go away on its own.
A tear goes down her face.
Lazuli not telling me that, that hurts.
Because lazuli i loved with all my heart.
And this is just politics.
And she stands up, walks to
the edge of the room and says,
I suppose you're glad, at least in part,
That w*r is coming and you'll
have something to do again.
- I'm gonna be better.
- What does that mean?
- I don't know.
They tried to k*ll me twice
And for some reason i'm still here.
So i'm gonna be better.
- Amethar the unfallen.
Let's see if candia can
earn the same title.
And she walks outta the room.
- Oh, h*, h*, h*.
I don't think i sleep.
I think i just like.
- I would like to before,
Or maybe as you wake up, take
the little scrap of paper,
That lapin cadbury
The last vestige of him that we have left
And take it down to the stone circle
And place it underneath the tea cup.
- You go to lapin's circle of stones
And place the little page with his name
Underneath the little broken tea cup.
And are you going, you and jet both go?
- Yeah.
- You guys go there.
Theo is just?
- Yeah, i think, i mean
it would be possible
That i would go too, honestly.
- Yeah, why don't we all
go on the way back to.
- I will go.
- The castle, just pop in.
- Lovely.
- I guess cumulous will lurk.
- Cumulous definitely sees something here
That the others don't see.
So you do this little ceremony for lapin.
Cumulous you feel like maybe an urge
To like meditate here.
- Cumulous will just have a seat.
- Cool.
You guys see cumulous goes into
A state of meditation here
on this sugar plum grove.
- I think, can i have like chopped through
Some trees and stuff until i've found
One of those like wish peppermint seeds.
- Yeah, give me an interest
check with advantage.
- Okay, cool.
23.
- 23, yeah it'll take
a little bit of time.
But you can absolutely go do that.
So, i think liam is probably like
After this lovely funeral for lapin
You head off and there's
some peppermint trees
Up on the ridge that you know about
That are much older and probably
they'd have some of these.
And as you go chop some of them,
You find a big, healthy
peppermint heart seed.
- Cool.
- Deep in the tree.
- Then i think i run back and when we put
The little note for lapin down,
I think i put that down for preston.
- Oh, that's beautiful.
Great.
Go ahead and, so amethar
you have your conversation.
Cumulous, you stay after the funeral
And are meditating there.
The rest of you guys in the castle,
You know that your mom
and dad have been to,
You know, there's some kind
of wild thing that happened.
- Well, it's not like they ever got on.
- Yeah.
- You see your mom comes
out of her private study.
Each of you guys make a perception check
If you'd be so kind.
- Can i do it with advantage?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.
- I have a 10.
- I got an 11.
- You see, well 11 is
good enough to see this.
There is a little piece
of tear away lingerie
In your mom's study, on her writing desk
And she closes the door
and locks it behind her.
- Is that your underwear?
- Is it my underwear?
- It doesn't look like it.
- Hm.
- Caramelinda's got something on the side.
I think mom might have had some.
- I mean, she's not getting it from dad.
- Some revenge booty.
- I would, wouldn't you?
- I guess so.
- I feel bad for both of them.
- I kinda wanna go explore.
- Yeah.
Can we break into mom's office?
- Go ahead and give me
a thieves tool check.
- Great.
- I'm assuming i'm not there.
- No, i think right now what's happening
Is you're probably like touring around
The defenses of the castle.
- I got a nat 20 on my thieves tool check.
- Magically you approach and
the door opens in front of you.
You guys walk inside
and you find a letter.
- We really shouldn't.
- I won't if you won't.
Just kidding, i'm gonna.
- I know, i was absolutely lying
When i said we really shouldn't do this.
- The letter is from.
It's from lazi fierce
of lazi fierce lingerie.
The madam of the lingerie
shop in dulcington
Who apparently has been a spy working
For your mom since you were
much younger princesses.
You see.
- Lazi, you mole!
- You see that she basically says,
The letter goes unto say like,
I am keeping it well hidden
in the attic of my shop.
I may need to leave at once.
If you need it at any point,
You need simply come and claim it.
However, i don't know when
i'll be able to return.
- What is it?
- We've gotta follow mom.
- I'm gonna go to bed.
- No, no, ruby.
We should, i know that this so not okay,
But should we go try to find it
In the attic of her shop?
- Yeah, i think that's
where mom is going, right?
She just got this letter?
- You saw caramelinda just
heading off to the dining hall.
The banquet hall.
- Oh, then let's go into dulcington
And find what this thing is.
- We are going to get in so much trouble.
There is literally w*r going on.
- Jet, we can't worry
about getting in trouble.
There's w*r going on.
- You're right, it works both ways.
Should we get liam?
- Yes, absolutely, let's get liam.
- What, your mom's tear away underwear?
- Shh!
- We're going on a mission
Because you saw tear away underwear?
- No, we read a letter.
- There's something secret in the attic.
Just curiosity is just so powerful.
- Honestly, i feel so bad
for the weird power dynamic
Between our parents right now.
And maybe it's something
that will rebalance it out.
- Oh, that's a noble reason.
I was just gonna for pure curiosity.
- I'll go the protect you,
Now that i'm a w*r guy.
- Okay, okay.
- Hell yeah, you guys
head off to dulcington.
I'm gonna need the group stealth check
Of all group stealth checks right now.
- I believe i get advantage.
- Yeah, right.
- What gives you
advantage, do you remember?
- Natural explorer, you have advantage.
Difficult terrain doesn't
slow your group down.
Ka, ka, ka, ka, ka.
- I got a 22.
- Oh no, nevermind.
Okay, normal.
- I got a 26.
- Nat one.
- Oh, liam!
- However, it's a group check
So one nat one is not gonna do it.
But liam, you're just
like w*r guying it up.
And the princesses are like.
- Right now, be a seed guy.
- Gah, gah, gah!
- Seed guy now, seed guy.
And your hearts are filled
with sugar and mischief
Like they haven't been since the old days.
You're sneaking into dulcington!
- I know, this feels.
- And you guys get all the way
To the lazi fierce lingerie
shop in dulcington.
I'm gonna need another thieves tool check.
- I don't have them anymore, so.
- You can help.
- Okay, yeah, i can do the help.
- I have them too, if you don't.
- That is a 25.
- That's extremely gonna do it.
Yeah, ruby, you guys see that like,
It's very sweet but also you
see how much you've changed.
Like jet is now this like marshal.
She's lost some of her sneak, man.
She's gone like, rough edge.
And you've just gotten like slicker
With all this magic sh*t.
You pop, i mean it's like dead of night,
And this is one of the few shops
The shopkeeper doesn't live.
Oh no, the shopkeeper does live above it
But she's outta town right now.
So you guys sneak up through the shop,
Up through the next place.
There's no stealth check needed here
Because you're just going through.
And you guys get up to the attic.
We are going to cut over to, ba, ba, bum!
Cumulous, you are...
- Meditating?
- Meditating.
- This feels so wrong,
but how could we not.
- How could we not? We had to.
- We had to.
- Especially after we got
told off and i'm like.
- I know.
- So you are sitting there for awhile.
The stones begin to glow.
As they glow, you hear a voice.
And you see appearing before
you, multiple eyes, six wings.
The sugar-Plum fairy, oo.
And you see that this is
just one face that she wears.
And that maybe there's even
other things behind that.
Go ahead and give me a perception check.
- 19.
- You look past and see that this spirit
Is making herself look small and cute,
But that she is vast and powerful
Behind this fairy glamor.
- I will not fall for your tricks.
- What tricks, wise monk?
- I know that you are much more
formidable than you appear.
- Oh, i'm just a sweet little fairy.
Tell me, we're not so
different, you and i.
We both wanna save candia's
magic, is it not true?
- That is true.
- Then we are aligned in this endeavor.
- What do you want?
Overall.
- I needed the royal family
of candia to survive.
I need them to be safe.
And i need them to come
to where it is safe.
Cumulous, i would owe you a great boon
If you would bring the royal family
To the great stone candy mountains.
There is safety there.
Not just for them, but for
all the magic of candia.
The time is drawing close
where it will be too late.
There is a way to save candia's magic.
Though it may not be the way
That the archmage lazuli
would have wished.
But, she is only a calorian
and a mortal and she died.
This way will be safer.
- I don't know if i trust you.
- I don't know if i trust me, either.
- I'll think on this.
- We move over.
So theo, you're looking around the castle.
Is there anything you would
be doing as you're like
Patrolling, looking for stuff, you know?
- I think i'm probably patrolling around
But i think i'm probably
also like slyly looking
For king amethar, assuming that he
And the queen probably had their words
And kind of wanting to know what's up.
- Yeah, absolutely.
So you're moving around through the castle
Looking for amethar.
Amethar, you just got your f*cking.
- Still just sitting.
Even standing exactly where i was.
- You see that calroy
knocks on the door and says.
Oo.
Bad time? Good time?
- Anytime.
- Uh, well, instead of being in the place
Where your wife will
come back to go the sleep
And maybe make you feel
terrible some more,
Let's, i don't know, wanna
go take a sh*t in a field?
- Oh, h*, h*.
- You see he says, in all honesty,
The ramparts of the castle
need some tending to
And i think we should
talk about what we do
If sir maillard fails to
hold them at the cola river.
- Yeah, yeah, let's do that.
- Let's go find sir theo.
You see that,
You and calroy head off.
You're walking above the sort of like,
Beautiful, high ramparts over the vast
Sort of chasm cola moat of castle candy.
And you see that, go ahead and
give me a perception check.
- It's only a seven.
- Okay.
You look out over the vast fields.
You see there's a ton of
bivouac tents out here.
Calroy looks out and says,
Look at all those tents.
Feels like 20 years of
peace just flew by, huh?
- Yeah, i guess so.
Right back to where we started.
- I guess so.
You feel a knife plunge into your back.
- I knew it.
- f*cking knew it.
- I'm going to need three
constitution saving throws.
- We're gonna play this game again?
- Oh no!
- f*ck.
- All right, you want an order again?
- Yeah, give me an order.
- Okay, uh, yeah.
So first one, we're gonna go,
First one will be 20, 25.
- 25?
- Second one will be 10.
And the last one will be nine.
- Okay.
- That mother f*cking piece of cake.
- Oh my.
- Rip him in those hot a*s pants.
- f*ck.
- Okay, we should have known.
He's an assassin.
- Yeah.
- All along he's been an assassin.
- Yeah, but for us.
- I almost did an insight check earlier.
- I know, god.
- God, he taught me how to use a sword.
- I know, son of a b*tch.
- 34.
Amethar, you take 34 points of damage.
- Mm-Hm.
- And are paralyzed.
- Oh.
- Can you talk if you're paralyzed or not?
- No, you can't do anything
if you're paralyzed.
- Great.
- Calroy puts a gloved
hand over your shoulder
And twists the dagger into your back.
You feel your body freeze up
Staring out over the estates of candia.
You see he goes,
You know what i always
hated about you, amethar?
- Oh!
- You were so damned lucky.
I mean, fifth in line for the throne
And the crown rests on your head.
And each of your sisters better
and more clever than you.
It really makes the unfortunate minor lord
Of a less than wealthy barony feel,
A little underwhelming.
Oh, i'll say your sisters
were a little bit less lucky.
The least lucky thing that
ever happened to rococoa
Was when she found out
that i was selling weapons
To the ceresians.
That had to be dealt with.
And i think you'll
remember how strange it was
That she was found riddled with arrows
So far behind our own lines.
But that's w*r, and strange
things happen all the time.
The ceresians i find are very reasonable.
They're very reasonable.
And you can see some of their
tents out here in the field.
- Oh my god.
All along he's cake, he's part.
- Oh my god.
- You know, i don't have
luck so i have to work.
I have to work a lot.
First i had to put the little
cheese boy unto the scent
Of the duchess coldbottle.
Then i had to ferry his idiot sailors
All the way up the sucrosi road
To that little farm house.
I mean, i had to get them there somehow.
They couldn't sail there, could they?
And they would be so
suspicious walking up the road.
And yet, you miraculously survive
When you should have died.
Amethar, the unfallen!
You uncharacteristically leave a fight.
You jump out of the
ring rather than trying
To behead that carrot.
And they call the tournament.
Even with all the work that me and alfredi
Put into getting those water
steel daggers into her hands!
I...
I thought i was going to fail.
And then...
And then your friend manta
ray jack mentioned a girl
At the banquet.
Stashed somewhere in the dairy islands.
And i thought, that's so interesting.
Amethar and i are best friends.
w*r buddies as far back
as we can remember.
Why would he never tell me?
And i got to thinking,
amethar was never quiet
About his exploits as a
roving prince of candia.
So, why didn't i hear about this girl?
And i thought, i'd better
talk with manta ray jack.
He didn't wanna talk, but a few fingers
And pints of blood later, we remembered
Your sister's book.
Very useful, your sister.
Very useful, indeed.
Up until a young elizabeth
brassica ordered her
Run down in the street
by vegetanian knights.
That hurt, because she had
always been very sweet to me.
Well, after manta ray,
he saw an opportunity.
You know, it hurts to have
all of your plans fail
But they say that improvisation
Is the better part of planning.
So, i was happy to take
advantage of that opportunity
When it presented itself, amethar.
You know what happens
to a man when he dies?
He shits himself.
So i'll be happy to watch
you sh*t one last time.
He grabs your ankles and goes.
I wonder if they'll call you
Amethar the unfallen after this?
Here's to a future you can't ruin.
And heaves you over the
walls of the castle.
Jet, ruby, and liam.
- Well, we're just having a nice time.
Having a little sneak attack time.
- Yeah.
- You guys get up into the attic.
The attic is totally pitch black.
But you see that there is a seam
Of golden light from a chest.
Something is being kept in
a chest up in the attic.
- I have night vision.
Can i check to see?
- Absolutely.
What i am going to actually need
Is for, also, you open the door.
So you're leading the way.
Jet and ruby are walking in
with liam behind them, right?
- Yeah, mm-Hm.
- I'm gonna need the three
of you to roll initiative.
- f*ck.
- 10.
- 16.
- Okay.
- 20.
- You guys walk up.
You guys can't see sh*t other
Than that little gleam there.
Liam, you come up behind them
As they're already in the attic.
And you see four shapes in the room move.
- f*ck.
- They are masked, dressed in black,
All holding water steel.
- f*ck.
- Liam, you are first to act.
- Oh, that's good.
Cool.
I just start right now?
- You start right now.
We're not gonna go to a battle episode.
- All right, great.
I step up to one of them.
- Mm-Hm.
- And i attack.
- Yeah, awesome.
- Do i roll?
- You do roll, yes.
Oh, so close on that one.
- You're so close.
- That's a 19.
- 19 hits.
- I didn't even have my dice out, f*ck.
- Here, do you need some dice?
- Yeah, please.
- I got some, what do you need?
- I need 10s, and eights, and sixes.
Thanks a lot.
Okay.
- Do you think caramelinda is back there?
- I'm gonna take two more attacks.
Do you want me to just roll those now?
- Hm?
- Two more attacks?
- Take two more attacks right now.
- Nat 20, crit.
- Oo!
- 24.
- All of them hit, one of them's a crit.
- Sneak attack will be the first one.
- And you get the extra d8
on the first one as well.
- This is the d10.
Let me add 10 to this.
What is that, 10, 17, 23.
So, 33 for that first one.
- 33 the first one, jesus.
- Are they within five feet of us?
Because if they are, you get
sneak attack on all of them.
- Yeah.
- Okay, great.
- I thought sneak attack
was just once per round.
- It's once per round.
So that's okay, yeah, only once per round.
- Oh, i didn't know that.
- Cool, that's 33.
Not down.
- Okay, then this next
attack will be this d8.
Oh sorry, that one
actually had one more d8.
- Yeah, go for it.
- Six.
- Six, okay, cool.
It's 39, still not down.
- Okay, so then this attack, 10.
Oh sorry, 20.
- 20, jesus.
Looking extremely hurt.
- 18.
- That's gonna be 59.
- Can i see who these people are?
Do i recognize any of them?
- Well three peppermint bolts go into one.
Thump, thump, thump.
- Oh!
- And you smell a thick
smell of sourdough.
- f*ck.
- Okay.
- He does not drop.
- Keep them just in case.
- Oh yeah, thanks.
- He doesn't drop?
With that much damage?
- 67 damage does not drop.
- sh*t!
- And then i haven't cast anything,
So i cast rope trick
and we climb into that.
- Rope trick is an action.
- Oh, got you.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
This is a bonus action.
- Run liam, run.
You haven't moved.
- I, are there any windows up here?
- Yup, there's windows.
- I run and i open up a window.
- Okay, you can run and attempt to open
Or you can just like
try to crash through it.
- I'll take damage and i'll run
and try to crash through it.
- Okay, you run and try to crash through.
- Oh wait, so sorry.
- Yeah.
- Is this an action if i pull out my rope
And just tie it to the two girls?
- But you're not gonna
be able to do that here.
You can't tie it to both of them.
I guess, you can if you, no,
Because you have to use your.
You've used, the main thing—
- So many actions.
- Yes, already.
So you can do a bonus action
or a movement right now
Are the things you can do.
- Get out!
- I'm gonna hide, is that a movement?
- You are invisible to people,
You see their eyes subtly going
With the alchemical dark
vision the pirates have
And you are invisible.
- I'm gonna hide and keep my eye on them
Because i know they can't see in the dark.
- Okay, so you just
fire and f*cking vanish
As candian magic surrounds you.
- And i'm gonna yell, we're unsafe.
You know, i'm gonna yell.
- Yeah, i think your arrows probably.
- Yeah!
- Alerted us.
- So you go invisible,
So that leaves just jet and ruby.
- f*ck.
- Okay.
- We should have gone to bed.
- I can't believe that's
the message from this
Is that we're poorly behaved.
- I hate it when she's right.
What is he rolling for?
- 67 and it didn't drop, that's crazy.
Was that f*cking ciabatta?
Oh!
I'm done.
I'm done with this season.
- Ruby, i'm going to need
Three constitution saving throws from you.
- Can i use react?
- On one of them.
- All right.
- Actually, he can't take reaction.
He can't give you the
help action, i'm afraid.
- Okay.
- Just give me three constitution saves.
- Oh, did you get one.
Oh no, that's.
- Oh yeah, i do have within five feet.
Oh we have to have given it to each other.
I got a 14, a 15, and a 17.
- In that order, 14, 15, 17?
- Sure.
- 14.
- Hey, do you add stuff to 'em?
- That's added.
- Okay.
- I'm going to need six
constitution saving throws from jet.
- Okay, let's do it three at a time.
Okay, i'm gonna do.
- You should have,
because you redid your—
- I know, i, yeah.
- Because if you're fighter now,
Your constitution should be your thing,
Not your intelligence and
dexterity anymore, right?
- Your proficiencies.
- Oh, that's right, your
constitution proficiencies.
- Plus seven to constitution.
- Okay, so plus seven to constitution.
So, 13, 23, 26.
f*ck.
25 and then 12, 12, 12.
- I can't believe you're
f*cking red wedding-Ing us.
- In a lingerie shop.
- It's so humiliating.
- Tear away underwear is truly everywhere.
- Did any attacks miss on me?
- Oh yeah.
- Then i can riposte.
- Normally you can't reactions
when you're surprised.
I will let you get a riposte in.
- Okay.
Yeah, whoever missed me.
Oh wait, let me just double check riposte.
My mind is-
That's gonna be a 23.
Does a 23 hit?
- Does a 23 hit, yes it does.
- Okay.
Not a great move, but 13.
- 13 damage, hell yeah.
- Is it the injured guy?
- Yeah whoever missed me.
God that feels like nothing.
- I wonder how injured that guy is.
- The injured guy is not the guy
Who landed the attack on you.
- Okay.
- But you deal 13 damage.
You reach out, thump.
As your sword flies out in the dark,
Just wildly, ah!
Against some invisible
attacker you can't see.
- Can theo not feel us getting hit?
- Swirlwarden.
- Swirlwarden!
- I get advantage on intelligence checks,
Can i see if this is ciabatta?
- Yeah, go for it.
- Yeah, that's a 20.
- Yeah, one of the
masked assassins in here
Is senator ciabatta.
- Can i cast hunter's mark on him?
- Not, but you gotta wait for your turn.
- It's a bonus action, i shoulda done it.
- Okay.
One, two, three, four.
Six, seven, eight.
- I wish you could stack superiority die.
- Yeah.
- So that i could have
maneuvered ruby out.
- I'm trying to hit 36.
44, 46.
That is going to be...
49 damage to ruby.
- Okay, i have three hit points.
- That's gonna be 11, 18.
30, 37.
42.
53 damage to jet from the first attack.
- Oh jesus.
- No.
Ah.
- I am fully gonna be down.
- And then six, 10, 20.
32.
42.
48.
51 damage to jet on the second attack.
- Okay, i am down.
- Okay, you also fall victim
To the poisoned condition.
That is their turn.
Next in the order is jet.
You're going to make a death
saving throw with disadvantage.
- Ugh.
- Still got it.
- Yes.
- Still a success.
- f*ck yeah!
- Okay.
Ruby, that's your turn.
- Ugh, f*ck.
Uh, god, um...
I would like to, f*ck.
sh**t at the one that
liam has already shot at.
- Run.
- I think you should run.
- f*ck.
I cast invisibility on myself and i run.
- You cast invisibility, you flee.
- And i try and run to
theo as fast as i can.
- You sprint down the
stairs away from dulcington.
Liam, you're in the corner.
It is your turn.
Attacking them will alert
them to your presence,
But it is your turn after ruby flees.
- Great.
I cast rope trick and i
grab her and we both go up.
- Hell yeah.
You, whoosh.
You grab jet, disappear
into the rope trick.
You hear the voice.
You see a mask pulled off
And you see ciabatta badly injured says,
They disappeared using some
candian magic, find them!
You see the other three
drop to their knees and say,
Yes, imperator.
Stand up and they, whoosh, leave.
Okay, we are out of that combat
As you sprint back to the castle.
- Good.
- I'm going to need jet to,
You need another death saving
throw with disadvantage.
- f*ck.
- Oh.
- I got a one.
- That's two failures.
- Okay.
So i have to go again?
- You can roll again.
- Can i use my turn to
give her the help action?
- Yeah, we can go ahead.
Well, give me a medicine check.
- f*ck, six.
- She is just bleeding out,
Water corroding her body.
Looking up.
I'm gonna need one last
death saving throw from jet.
- Can i give her advantage so that it...
- You did not hit the medicine dc.
- Oh, oh, i got you.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
- f*ck.
- I got another one.
- Hidden away in a veil of shadows,
Liam your hands over jet's body
As she looks up.
Trying to suck in breath.
You do your best to attempt to fix,
But the poison works.
Jet.
The last thing you feel
is a bright, warm glow
On your locket of the sweetest heart.
And ruby racing up the
street as fast you can.
You hold fast to the locket.
You sprint over the bridge.
And just as you pass over the bridge
The light in the locket goes out.
- Tell ruby i love her.
- In this place between worlds, liam.
You look up.
And you hear those words,
not from jet on the ground
But from jet standing above you.
- I tell her she did the right thing.
- Hands are placed on jet's back.
You hear the voice of your
aunt whisper in your ear.
Good job, soldier.
You got her home.
Ruby's gonna be all right.
- Thank you.
- Work's not over.
There's plenty we can do from this side.
Are you ready?
- I mean, yeah, that sounds awesome.
- I have bad news if you thought
The adventure was gonna end, it's not.
- Well, if you thought the
adventure was gonna die,
She definitely f*cking wasn't.
- She kisses you on the cheek and says,
Let's get to work.
Theo.
- Mm-Hm?
- You are walking through the castle
Looking for some other of
the knights of north gumbia.
You find toby's quarters,
they're toby's quarters.
- Right.
- And they look sort
of messier than normal.
Which he's a very neat, crisp, knight.
Which is a little bit unusual to you.
As you go in to investigate
You see sir toby's body butchered
In a corner of the room.
And you hear the iron door
Of his quarters slam behind you and lock.
You hear the voice of some
muffin field soldiers.
Some of lord cruller's men saying.
- Ha, ha.
Keep the bear behind the iron door.
Have fun in there.
If you get hungry, your
friend toby should be able
To help you with a meal.
You're a bear after all, aren't you?
- I think theo's just like running through
Just a million thoughts at once.
Just like, how did i not see this?
How did i not suspect anything?
Where's the king? All of this.
Can i hear how many people
are outside the door?
- Only probably like two or three.
- I cast knock on the door.
- Yeah!
- Yes, b*tch!
- Yeah!
- It automatically unlocks the door.
- You hear them snickering outside
And the lord commander of tart guard,
Knight of north gumbia, the
door bursts off its hinges,
Flies and thuds into the wall across
And they whip around to look at you.
We cut over to cumulous.
The fairy smiles, vanishes,
And you hear shouting in the castle.
- I run.
- Amethar, you are falling.
You are falling from one
of the highest parapets
Deep into the crevasse of
the moat of castle candy.
I'm going to need you to make,
You have enough time falling
To make three more constitution checks
To attempt at the end of,
Or at the beginning of each turn
To attempt to come out of paralysis.
- Oh my god, oh my god.
- How close am i to that?
- You're a million miles away.
- How close am i to that?
- Probably also a million miles away.
When we get to his last roll,
We can make some rolls to see
exactly how close you are.
Go ahead and roll on the board.
First constitution roll.
- Yes.
- 21.
- Oh!
- You come out of paralysis.
- Yes.
- Come on!
- Breathe.
- Rage, take that half damage.
- Oh dude, you can rage.
- Rage in the air.
- Max damage.
- Can i rage on the next
two turns worth of falling?
I mean, it's been established that
There's three turns of falling.
I'd like to take one to
come out of paralysis.
- If we have to obey the rules,
You have to obey them.
- I mean, he would be pretty mad.
If there ever was a time to rage.
- Yeah, cruller literally
just twisted a knife
While monologuing about how
he k*lled all of his sisters.
- I actually messed something up before
In the thing with jet's
last stab was at ciabatta.
Ciabatta was the one who stabbed you.
- Okay.
- Ciabatta was the one who stabbed you.
- What did you use for that?
- Just a riposte.
It was a reaction.
- It wasn't the poison dagger or whatever?
- I don't have a water dagger.
I used mine on the pontifex.
- Oh f*ck, yeah.
- Yeah.
- I still have mine.
For what f*cking good it's done me.
- I feel sick.
- I know!
Oo, i have a list.
I have a list.
- Oh, you get bill and hill in here.
- Brother, i have a list.
- The max falling damage is 20 d6.
You're gonna take all of that.
You may fly into a rage just
before you hit the ground.
- Great.
- Can you?
- Ugh.
- Can you second wind?
- Uh, yes.
- I mean, oh yeah, you're a fighter!
Do you have second wind?
- I do have second wind.
- Oh!
- If i use second wind,
If i use one turn to second wind
And one turn to—
- Well, rage going into the bonus action.
- Yeah, you can second wind.
You have two rounds, so you
can do second wind on one.
- Great, here we go.
- I'm shaking, oh my god, i'm shaking.
- Stay alive long enough.
- One d10 plus two?
- One d10 plus two.
- Oh that's one, plus two, equals three.
- How many hit points do you have?
- 51.
- Oh come on, dude.
- All right, let's see
this falling damage.
Max falling damage.
Before i roll, what is going
through amethar's mind?
- As i fall, i think
the two things i see are
Ruby tied to the rope on la fondue
sh**ting an arrow straight
through the captain's head.
And then the look on jet's face
When she stabbed the guy on
the, you know, that road.
When we did the daddy-Daughter
special for the first time.
- There are so many f*cking die.
- Eight, 11, 16.
21.
28.
26.
Amethar takes 72 points of falling damage.
- But...
- Halved to 36.
- Ah!
- Dude.
- How many hit points does amethar have?
- 35.
Excuse me, 50 minus 35, which is 15.
- You fall for hours.
You look across the bridge
and see a glowing point
Of heart red light crossing
the bridge and then extinguish.
You hear the noise of shouts
From within the castle.
You know the moment that
the heart red light goes out
That jet is gone.
- I think that's the angriest
I've ever been at the world and myself.
That this is where i am at this time.
- Like a meteor falling from the sky,
The king erupts in flame.
Strikes into the ground.
Cola steam and bright purple
and pink rocks crater.
From the dust and rubble,
the king of candia stands.
Having fallen from the height
of his own castle, alive.
As the sounds of w*r erupt.
That's all for this episode
on "a crown of candy."
- What is happening?
- We're being attacked
by calroy's soldiers.
- Caramelinda!
Where are you?
You guys round the corner,
see the ceresians, they go.
Ha, ha! It is the royals!
- We are f*cked.
- Everyone knows.
- Because of that we are f*cked.
- Get in the chariot and i'm gonna ride
The horses off this cliff.
- Oh!
- For candia!
- This game f*cking rules.
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05x09 - Safe Harbor
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A tabletop role-playing game show produced by and broadcast on Dropout and created and generally hosted by Brennan Lee Mulligan as the show's regular Dungeon Master.
A tabletop role-playing game show produced by and broadcast on Dropout and created and generally hosted by Brennan Lee Mulligan as the show's regular Dungeon Master.