4x05 - Goodbye, Columbia

[bunniefuu]

"Gossip Girl here, your one and only source into of the Manhattan elite.

I get into Columbia.

And what if Columbia's a disaster, - and we lost each other for good? - And what if it's amazing and we become closer than we've ever been? I'm not seeing anybody else, nor do I want to, if you don't.

Last night don't even finish those words unless unless they end with "was a mistake.

" Ben's my brother.

He takes a lot of time and energy.

How are things going? The guys were easy, but the girls are presenting a little bit more of a challenge.

I know what you did, Blair.

It's despicable, even for you.

Do you hate me so much you can't stand to see me happy? No.

Why did you drive the person I care most about out of town? You just brought back my worst self.

Morning on the Upper East Side, where even our own blonde birdie has been spotted flying the coop early to make it to her morning classes.

Leave it to Serena Van Der Woodsen to make geek chic.

Who knew Ivy would look so good on her? Hey! Hey! Hey! Are you kidding me? Hey, you again.

Yes, me again, getting my cab taken by you again.

Nice bag.

I like it better than the one you had the other day.

Thank you.

It's supposed to be at class with me.

I can't be late again, so if don't mind Sorry.

She had an audition.

Something Ah.

I think a talking dog was involved.

Yeah, I know the feeling.

Why don't you let me make it up to you? Buy you a drink sometime? Are you seriously hitting on me while still holding your date's shoes? Well, if you change your mind, the king Cole bar is the only place in town that still makes a red snapper.

You look like you're about a size 8? Taxi! Indra Nooyi, Ann Moore, Andrea jung.

Why are these all businesswomen? We color-coded for easy reference.

Businesswomen are in green.

Women in academia are in blue.

Politics and government in red with a subsection on royalty and dictators.

Ooh, files.

What's going on? Researching women of power so I can better forge my path to become one.

Sarah Louise Palin? Do you even want to be a Minion? B.

, uh, can I talk to you for a minute? I need advice.

Yes.

Five paces behind for privacy.

Ten for you.

What? How are you? I've barely seen you all week.

Uh, I've been great.

You know, with Dan and Nate behind me, I really feel like I can bury the old me and start anew.

May you rest in peace.

The only problem is, I've been late for my English lit class a few times, and lates count as absences, which is 10% oh, if only there were a device of some kind to keep the time.

S.

, listen to me.

College professors have a God complex, so just meet with him and say you're sorry.

The simplest way to turn an enemy into a friend is to seek their counsel.

Who taught you that? One of your Asian "art of w*r" gurus? Martha Chamberlin.

She's guest lecturing a series called the psychology of business.

I'm heading to the registrar's to sign up.

Oh, I love her.

B.

, how do you do it? Chuck declares w*r, and you simply up your class load.

The more time I spend on campus, the safer I am.

Chuck is allergic to education and bettering himself.

Well, I'm not, so if I'm gonna work on my new self, I should head to the library.

Sign me up for Martha's class.

We'll go together.

Your guitar tuner? Really? You have the worst poker face ever.

Okay.

Fine.

Dan hasn't been returning my calls, and I wanted to make sure everything was okay with you guys.

Everything is better than okay.

Dan and I had a marathon talk everything that we haven't dealt with, including Serena.

And from now on, there's no more secrets or surprises.

Well, that's great.

Never doubted you guys for a second.

Seriously? You need to practice in the mirror or something.

I don't know how they let you live on the Upper East Side.

That's great you and Vanessa sorted everything out, Dan.

You know, we should double.

Juliet and I are going to this faculty and friends mixer tomorrow night at the Hamilton house.

You guys wanna come? Mm, no.

There's free appetizers, Humphrey.

Oh.

Okay.

Fine.

You wanna go see a movie afterward? No can do.

Oh, come on.

That sounds great.

No, Juliet and I have this nice little evening planned after the mixer.

Got some champagne, new Matteo sheets, and I'm hoping some recently purchased lingerie.

It's for her, right? Wait a second.

I'm sorry.

You guys haven't, uh No, I haven't.

No.

I did the spend the night at her place, but I took a page from the old Humphrey playbook, and we just talked and played scrabble.

That's nice.

Thanks.

By the way, thank you for, uh, inviting me today.

You know, after everything that's happened between us yeah, yeah.

I missed you, too.

No hugs.

You're not getting a hug.

Not one? Not one.

I'm sorry I didn't visit last week.

Things are really ramping up at school.

The good news is that Serena is now isolated from both Dan and Nate.

What about Blair? Blair will get distracted eventually.

Oh, come on.

It was only a few weeks ago I went after Serena at Hamilton house.

If I get caught trying to get her expelled, it's over.

Not if you have a fall guy.

Maybe Someone with pretty blue eyes and a history with Serena? Have you been spying on me? Spying implies a lack of trust, and I know that I can trust you.

I'm only dating Nate to stay in Serena's orbit.

Good, because we agreed that we would not stop until Serena was left with nothing, just like I was.

And the next thing to take from her is Columbia.

And seeing as how you're in with these people, it shouldn't be too hard, right? I know what to do.

There you are.

Where do I sign up for Ms.

Chamberlin's lecture series? What are you doing here? Go, lions.

No.

That's impossible, even for you.

The dean's extended me the courtesy of auditing a few classes.

We felt it was important I get a feel for campus life before breaking ground on the new Bart Bass memorial rotunda.

What? It's a building with a circular ground plan, usually covered by a dome.

I know what a rotunda is! You can't be here.

Columbia's mine.

What do you want? Funny, last time we spoke, I thought I was crystal clear.

You took away what I cared about most.

To return the favor, I'm going to take Columbia away from you.

Come back later and sign me and Serena up for Martha's class.

But do it quietly.

I don't want Chuck to know.

Go! This just in looks like you can take the girl out of the party, but not the party out of the girl.

* I'm livin' in the 21st century * * Doin' something mean to it * * Do it better than anybody you ever seen do it * * Screams from the haters, got a nice * Rumor has it our favorite blonde could be spreading more than just good cheer.

And if it's true, then there's a test out there a few of you might not be able to pass.

Does s.

V.

W.

Have an s.

T.

D.

? I mean, who would lie to Gossip Girl like that? Do you really want a list? Because I don't know if I have that kind of time.

A good scandal is one thing, but even Gossip Girl likes to keep things classy and somewhat true.

I just wanted to focus on school.

Well, don't let this stop you.

Without someone confirming the rumor, it'll blow over by lunch.

And just keep doing what you're doing.

Hold your head high.

This is our school.

We were here first.

Damn him to hell.

Why do I get the feeling your pep talk is not entirely meant for me? Chuck is here, at Columbia.

Wow.

He's bringing the battle to campus? Yes.

Well, I already have a battle plan.

I found out that Martha Chamberlin takes a student assistant when she lectures.

That position will be my own private island against the storm that is Chuck Bass.

If you're not gonna let a disease like Chuck deter you, what leg do I have to stand on? I'm gonna go plant myself in the quad, act like I don't have a care in the world, and e-mail my Professor to see when he can meet.

Okay, it says here that you both slept with Serena And Vanessa, and that Vanessa also slept with Chuck Yeah.

Who slept with Blair? All that's on "Gossip Girl"? Yeah, she made a chart, actually, which I have to say is very helpful.

Oh, God.

Can we talk? Yeah.

Thank you for meeting me before your game.

I just I thought that we should talk about this before we spend our first night together.

You know it's just a rumor.

It's not true.

And even if it was, I haven't slept with Serena since, like, last spring.

So? So I think I would, you know, know.

Nate, symptoms can be dormant for months or not even appear at all.

You could still be a carrier.

What? I'm a girl.

I paid attention in health class.

So you want me to get tested? I mean, I'm not worried, but if it makes you feel better, I'll swing by the health clinic after the game.

Thank you.

And I promise you, when you see the outfit I bought for tomorrow night, it'll be well worth it.

Vanessa, like I told you on the phone, I'm sure it's totally false.

And and what business is it of yours anyway? You and I both got tested when we first started sleeping together.

You remember that? I sure do, and I have not been with anyone else since.

Dan, Serena was sleeping in your bed and wearing your t-shirt.

If something else happened, I need to know.

Nothing else happened.

W-what what happened to our big talk? 'Cause honestly, I don't know if I can have this same conversation one more time.

I'm sorry.

You're right.

It's just the blast freaked me out.

It's okay.

I promise.

I promise you have nothing to worry about.

All right? I'll call you after the game.

Serena.

Hi.

How are you? Great.

Why wouldn't I be? If you're referring to the unconfirmed vicious rumor on "Gossip Girl," you wouldn't have anything to do with that, would you? No.

Look, I just came over here to tell you the way our English lit Professor called you out in front of the entire class? You didn't deserve that.

And if there's anything that I can do No, I already e-mailed him.

I'm hoping to talk with him myself tomorrow.

Good.

Well, anyhow I really didn't have anything to do with that blast.

Believe me, it's the last thing I would've wanted.

What do you mean? Nate sort of freaked when he saw it.

Freaked how? He doesn't believe it.

Thanks for coming with me, man.

No problem.

I shouldn't have told you about the cotton swab thing.

That was insensitive.

But, you know, just think about how happy you'll be with a clean bill of health tomorrow, right? Yeah.

Yeah.

What the hell are you doing? And you? It's been what, two years? I'm a wingman.

You wanna go sign me in and I'll see you in there in a minute? Yeah, I'll step away now.

All right, cool.

Nate, I know all about your summer of love from Chuck's little black book, and honestly, for your sake, I hope you do get tested.

But if you do it today, people will just think that you believe the blast.

You'll be confirming the rumor.

Please.

Please just wait a few days or go somewhere else.

Serena, there's someone else I need to do this for.

Okay? And right now she's my priority, not you.

* I wanna tell you there's a really good reason * Ms.

Chamberlin's largest client to date? National r*fle association.

She created the mama bears campaign, increased female membership by a third.

And the cherry pie? Her first major success was branding a cherry pie recipe for "better homes and gardens.

" How do you get from "better homes and gardens" to the n.

R.

A.

? It's a short trip, believe me.

Ms.

Chamberlin? I'm Blair Waldorf.

I'll be in your psychology of business class.

Well, nice to meet you.

I'm not having office hours yet actually, I was hoping we could discuss the assistant position.

I'm a big fan.

Unfortunately, the position has been filled.

By who? Ms.

Chamberlin, whatever Mr.

Bass has told you, I assure you, he has no interest in your class or any idea who you even are.

Thank you? On the contrary, once I decided to rebrand the empire, there was only one name on my list.

We can talk more as I walk you to your limo.

Thank you.

Good day, Ms.

Waldorf.

If you have any questions regarding the class, Mr.

Bass will answer them.

Actually, it turns out Ms.

Chamberlin's class is overenrolled.

You didn't make the cut.

Sorry.

Mmm.

I almost forgot how much I used to enjoy your pie.

Better batten down the hatches, b.

Looks like your island in the storm was just hit by a Bass 5 hurricane.

Where are you off to? Uh, campus.

My Professor agreed to meet with me during office hours.

Oh, good for you.

We can't let the men of our past define us.

They want us to lash out, lower ourselves to their level.

But it is our job to remain civilized.

So you're gonna let Chuck have the assistant position then? I said "civilized, " not "lobotomized.

" Oh, Ms.

Chamberlin.

So good of you to come.

Earl Grey, if I'm not mistaken? What is going on? It's better not to know.

Plausible deniability.

Ms.

Waldorf, the only reason I agreed to meet with you is because your mother and I have crossed paths on occasion, and I felt it a professional courtesy.

Oh.

Did you know that my mother remarried? Amazing man.

Your point? I was sorry to hear about your unfortunate divorce a few years ago.

I beg your pardon? Oh, boy.

You and I both know that power is the greatest aphrodisiac except, of course, when women have it.

Your ex-husband, for example.

I mean, the nanny? How cliche I'm listening.

My stepfather has surrounded himself with people who are not intimidated by a woman's success.

One of the partners at his firm is exceptionally attractive.

And I don't mean to sound forward, but I'd love to introduce you at the Hamilton house party tonight.

Well, I was going to be at the party anyway, so Well, then I'll make the call.

That is, of course, if the assistant position is still available.

Let's just say that nothing is set in stone.

Hmm.

I'm sorry.

Did you say scone? No! No, no, no, no! I don't care how late she is for her audition.

Flight attendant.

So quick to judge.

How's school going? Terrible, which is why I can't be late.

You know, if it helps, I could get you a copy of my schedule so we can stop doing this.

Come on.

Why would we want to do that? You put a different girl into a cab every day.

If you think I would ever be one of them, you are out of your mind.

I think nothing of the sort.

In fact, I leave at this time on purpose, hoping to get to see you.

Good.

Then I'm taking the cab.

Scoot over.

Hey.

What are you doing here? Hey.

Uh, uh, lily's not around, right? Uh, she and Eric are visiting colleges.

It's just us.

Why? Okay, well, there there's - there's a rumor going around that Serena has, um She has she has something.

Has something? Yeah.

Please get there faster.

Oh.

Y-you mean oh.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's not true.

But there was a picture of me with Nate yesterday at the health center.

So now I'm pretty sure Vanessa thinks that something more than a kiss happened between me and Serena.

Well, did it? No, no, and I've told her that a hundred times.

But she slept in the other room last night, and when I woke up, she wasn't there.

What? I-I mean, I thought you'd be glad that I was sharing with you.

I am.

I am.

But you're not gonna like what I have to say.

Serena is a formidable woman, and what you guys shared was a big love.

You can't blame Vanessa for being insecure.

So if you wanna be with her, you need to show her that she doesn't have anything to be worried about.

I've told her that, but I'm not gonna stop talking to Serena, cut her out of my life.

All I'm saying is, at least for right now, Vanessa needs to know that she's the only one you care about.

I need to talk to you.

Oh, I'm in a hurry.

Now's not a good time.

You need to tell me what happened between you and Dan that night.

Isn't that a conversation you should be having with him? I did, but I can't trust him when it comes to you.

What's that supposed to mean? Let's just say it wouldn't be the first time a guy had lied to his girlfriend to cover up a night spent with you.

You know, Vanessa, you always wanna believe the worst in people.

Why change now? Exactly.

Glad to see you took me up on my offer.

I hope you like my signature martinis.

I'm tired of making dossiers and carrying cherry pies.

This would be good practice if I ever decide to take Blair down myself.

Well, don't get ahead of yourself, but I appreciate the enthusiasm.

What did you find out? Hi.

I just got your text.

What's up? Yeah, I just found out that test results could take three or four days to get back.

Wow.

Yeah.

Three or four days.

I can't believe our night's being derailed by this.

Unless There's another way that we can know for sure.

I mean, Serena must've talked or e-mailed someone about whether the rumors were true or not.

I guess I could talk to Blair.

Yeah.

She'd probably take the fifth.

How else are we gonna find out? No.

Forget it.

I just think the anticipation is making me crazy.

Well, I'm gonna go home.

We should both get ready.

And I am gonna start By taking a cold shower.

Bye.

I think we're ready.

You think? Oh, I can't just come out and ask him to steal Serena's phone.

But trust me, he's right where we need him to be.

Good.

If anything goes wrong, it'll be on him.

Right.

Just like we planned.

I have to go.

Vanessa.

What are you doing up here? I think Dan and Serena slept together last spring when we were still going out.

Oh, my God.

Are you sure? No.

That's the problem. They both deny it.

I'm sorry to unload on you like this. I'm just I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Well, then you have to find out for sure.

How?

I think I might have an idea.

That is, of course, if you're up for it.

Yeah.

Right now I'm up for anything, believe me.

Then call Dan. Tell him that you wanna talk and we'll meet him and Nate at Hamilton house tonight.

Are you sure?

Trust me.

Things have a way of working out when you least expect it.

Where have you been?

I know I'm late.

Again.

So I take it the meeting with your Professor did not go well.

It didn't go at all.

I didn't make it.

You know there's a clock on your cell phone, right? Yes.

Yes, but it wasn't my fault, but I e-mailed him and begged for five minutes of his time tonight.

Then we settle all Columbia business tonight.

And it just so happens that Ms.

Chamberlin b.

, can I just wish you good luck and take plausible deniability on this one? Luck not needed, but right back at ya.

You're a natural.

I said Serena forgot something.

One smile at the coat check guy and he handed it right over.

Now check her e-mail.

If Serena and Dan slept together, there's bound to be a message about the rumor.

This feels very wrong.

It's the only way you'll know for sure.

There's an e-mail from Dan a few hours ago.

What? "If Vanessa thinks "something more than a kiss happened between us "even though it didn't, I need to show her I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make things work.

" Well, now you have your answer.

We have to put this back right now.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

My boyfriend dated her, too.

You're not the only one with Serena insecurity.

Okay, well, then hurry up.

sh**t.

I think someone's coming.

Coast is clear.

Well? Nothing, thank God.

Come on.

Let's get outta here.

Okay, wait.

I told Dan that I needed to talk.

What what do I say now? He's a guy.

Do you think he really wants to talk? Just take him home and show him you're ready to move on.

Twice if necessary.

Thank you.

Nate's a lucky guy.

You guys make a really good couple.

Yeah, we do, don't we? Pardon the interruption, but you have an important call.

Blair Waldorf.

I'm Ms.

Chamberlin's new assistant.

Confident, I see.

When destiny calls? Always.

Especially when it arrives right on time.

Nothing says "soul mate" like punctuality.

Hey, Vanessa.

Dan.

Nate, um, Juliet's looking for you.

Thank you.

Hey.

Hey.

What's going on? What do you mean? I just mean, like, why are you - why are you smiling so much? I'm just I'm - I'm glad to see you.

I thought I thought you were mad at me.

I'm I'm confused here.

Okay, wait a second.

Now now now I'm really confused.

You you said we needed to talk.

We already did.

I just I wasn't listening.

What do you say we get out of here? And I'll show you how much we don't need to talk.

I don't know.

I mean I'm pretty stubborn.

It might take all night.

Well, then I guess you'll need your strength.

Let's load up on free appetizers before we leave.

Hamilton house is where dreams come true.

On that we agree.

There.

Shall we? Beautiful scarf.

Oh, well, as we work together, you'll come to find that your tastes are my tastes.

Guess who.

Sam.

Hi.

I must say, Blair did not do you justice.

I know the feeling.

You thought this was my special someone? No.

I mean, unless What? Since I'm a powerful career-driven woman who intimidates men, I must be a l*sbian? No.

This was not the date I set up.

He was an intellectual property lawyer who does pro Bono work helping kids sue Hollywood for stealing their Twitter ideas.

Then I suggest you see if he needs an assistant.

My class is full forever.

Great scarf, by the way.

Dean Reuther, Serena Van Der Woodsen.

Professor Lawford, I'm so sorry I didn't make our meeting this morning.

But as I mentioned in my e-mail, I'm hoping to impress upon you upon both of you that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to succeed at this school.

Yes, the e-mail that you sent to Professor Lawford makes that pretty clear.

I'm sorry? Perhaps we should have this conversation in private.

And what conversation would that be? The one regarding your e-mail that offers sex for grades.

What? I-I-I didn't do that.

I would never do that.

This is your e-mail address, is it not? Yes, but I-I didn't send this.

Ms.

Van Der Woodsen, obviously we pay no mind to childish rumors that circulate all college campuses, but this e-mail is extremely serious.

The consequence of sending it, I'm afraid, is expulsion.

Expulsion? Spotted Serena Van Der Woodsen looking like she's hot for teacher.

That's the thing about a good gaslight with enough smoke, who cares if there's really a fire? Did you send that e-mail, the one that came from Serena's phone offering sex to her Professor? What? Why would I do that? If you ask me, it sounds like an idea that Serena would get all on her own.

I don't think she would do that.

I'm gonna tell her we had her phone.

Wait.

Don't.

Maybe if we had access to it, then somebody else did as well.

I didn't send that e-mail.

But if you tell her that we took her phone, she is gonna blame us, and I could get expelled.

And so could she.

If you didn't send it, then you have nothing to worry about.

Where is Martha's date?! Penthouse suite at the empire with a woman I assure you he won't want to leave until morning, maybe afternoon.

Depends on his cardio.

I was going to play nice.

You think I don't have a plan "b"? Plan "b"? What could be more cunning and devious than date night? I had Dorota get chummy with Martha's maid, who came over from one of her sweatshops in the Philippines.

If I have to, I'll blackmail her for the position.

An ill*gal maid scandal? Nobody's cared about those in years.

And a l*sbian switcheroo doesn't make you Blackwater.

The switcheroo was for fun.

The I.R.S.

Agent standing by to crawl up Martha's audit is not.

A tax fraud setup? They give away girl scout badges for that.

I have her prenup.

It has details.

I have the nanny.

She has pictures.

Martha's ex is in them.

So is Martha.

It turns out it was a threesome until the nanny turned it into a twosome.

Oh, my God! You students are psychotic.

I have better things to do with my time.

Tell the dean I quit.

Shame.

Sounded like a great class.

If you'll excuse me, I've heard good things about the make-your-own-pizza bar.

My phone isn't in here.

Whoever stole it must've been the person that sent the e-mail.

A missing cell phone is hardly proof.

I'll see you in my office on Monday, and we'll talk about what's next.

Good night, Jim.

Please don't do this.

You don't go to Columbia.

They can't do anything to you.

I'm sorry, but it's the right thing to do.

Wait.

Serena Call your phone.

Maybe the person who stole it might still be here.

Hey.

Hey, what's going on? Vanessa stole my phone and sent an e-mail to my Professor.

That's that's crazy.

Really? Do you wanna answer that? I'll speak with you later.

I can explain.

You took Serena's phone? She thinks we slept together.

Wait, you were the one behind the "Gossip Girl" rumor.

What? No! I-I know how this looks, but I did not send out that e-mail.

Juliet did.

She's the one who wanted to steal your phone in the first place.

W are you kidding me?! There is no way that I'm getting dragged into this.

I wasn't gonna say anything, but Vanessa came to me today.

She asked me to help her get revenge, and I told her no.

That is a lie! No, it's not.

Juliet told me before the party.

She was hoping to talk to Vanessa and calm her down.

But I'm sorry, man.

Wait, is that why you were so happy earlier and you wanted to get outta here? Yeah, with my phone, so that she could get rid of the evidence and make sure I was expelled.

I did not do this.

After everything we've been through, I'm asking you to please believe me.

I don't know what to believe right now.

Vanessa don't.

I'm sorry, okay? I-I wanted to be friends, but what did you expect me to do? I had to protect myself.

You're right.

You do.

Poor v.

Didn't she know that in love and w*r, a friend in need is willing to do most any deed? I believe you didn't send that e-mail, but I can't ignore the level of drama that has followed you to my campus and grown even louder since you arrived.

Meaning? Women of my generation had to fight for every opportunity and to be taken seriously, and your attitude, Ms.

Van Der Woodsen, makes a mockery of that.

If I were you, I would rethink my priorities.

Good night.

Ms.

Waldorf, I have my eye on you as well.

Plausible deniability was a good call.

And speaking of denials, you've been cleared in the court of public opinion.

Gossip Girl sent out an official retraction and personal apology to you about the rumor.

Not to mention, she said whatever person sent it is now on her hit list.

Yeah, well, it was Vanessa.

Vanessa? Yeah, well, Gossip Girl's scorn will only increase her social standing.

How did you figure it out? Uh, ironically, it was Juliet who I have to thank for that.

If you'll excuse me.

I was just telling Blair I have you to thank for clearing my name.

I know we got off on the wrong foot, but It's just because I was jealous of how much you meant to Nate, and I'm sorry.

Well Boys will do it almost every time.

Now if they weren't so darn cute Are you sure you're gonna be okay? Yeah.

Do you maybe wanna grab a drink with us? Uh, no.

I actually just wanna get outta here.

I'll see you in class.

Yeah.

Don't be late.

What are you still doing here? I lost the assistant position.

The entire faculty thinks I'm just as crazy as you.

You've made your point.

Can't you take your little celebration elsewhere? If you think I'd take tonight as some sort of balancing of the scales, I don't.

I'm not trying to make a point, Blair.

This is just a warm-up.

Whatever you want, wherever you want it, I am going to be there to take it away from you.

I won't stop until you have nothing.

You wouldn't go that far.

Who knows my limits since you took away my future? That wasn't your future.

That was Henry prince's.

Destroying me won't make you happy.

Happier.

The only thing that will make you happy, you lost the moment you slept with Jenny Humphrey.

And that was the best thing that ever happened to me, because I got over you forever.

If that's the truth, then why haven't you told anyone about Jenny? Not your family, not your minions, not Gossip Girl.

I know you're not keeping that secret to protect me.

You wouldn't.

That revelation would result in mutual destruction.

You may be homicidal, but you're not suicidal.

A man with nothing to live for is capable of anything.

I'm gonna stay with my parents for a little while.

That's that's probably a good idea.

I think I could use some time alone, too.

Dan, it's really important to me that you know I didn't start any rumors or send out that e-mail.

I-I believe you, I think.

But it doesn't change the fact that you didn't believe me.

I know that now.

It's just too bad that it took losing you to figure it out.

The red snapper.

Excellent choice.

What do you think? I think it's a bloody Mary with an inferiority complex.

Fair enough.

So Drinking alone, are we? You've made it pretty clear you're out of my league.

What do you have to lose by answering? I'd prefer not to encourage this kind of behavior.

Tell you what.

One drink, one question.

Tell me why you're drinking alone, and I'll tell you anything you want.

I thought I could start over, but it turns out college is just high school with more expensive books.

There's no starting over.

No matter where I go, whatever I do, my past seems to follow me.

So What about you? Why are you with a different girl every night? Because I stopped apologizing for my past a long time ago.

Does that really work? Does that actually make you happy? It did.

* Poppin' bottles in the ice * * Like a blizzard * The law of affinity refers to unlikely compositions forming a bond through a purely chemical reaction.

?Now I'm feeling so ? why didn't you stick to the plan? Like I said the first time, I thought Vanessa was the better option.

Well, she wasn't.

Serena didn't get expelled.

But now I'm in with Serena, and I can become her confidant and find something even bigger to take her down with.

Good, 'cause now you have no choice.

And I'd better not find out that this was about protecting Nate.

If you're falling for him I'm not.

I swear.

* G-get them bottles poppin' * I guess I have to trust you.

* Now get me two more bottles * Yeah, I guess you do.

** But even the strongest bonds have their limits * Actin' like they drunk * When sober girls around me, they be actin' like they drunk? * Poppin' bottles in the ice * and when broken * When we drink, we do it right, Gettin' slizzard * * Sippin' sizzurp in my ride in my ride like three 6 * * Now I'm feeling so fly like a g6 * That 808 bump make you put your hands up? You sure about this? Mm-hmm.

Now that we know Vanessa was behind the rumors Absolutely.

That if left unchecked explode like a nuclear b*mb.

Veronica, do you still work with Tim Gunn? I need to get an interview for someone who will be applying to Parsons.

Perfect.

Yeah, her name's Jenny Humphrey.

Thanks.

Waiting for the fallout.

X.

O.

X.

O.

, Gossip G.

[bunniefuu]

(OG version)


WOMAN:
Where has she been?

GOSSIP GIRL:
And who am I?

That's one secret I'll never tell.

You know you love me. XOXO...

...Gossip Girl.

GOSSIP GIRL: Morning on the Upper
East Side, where our own blond birdie...

...has been spotted flying the coop early
to make it to her morning classes.

Leave it to Serena van der Woodsen
to make geek chic.

Who knew Ivy would look so good
on her?

[CAR HORN HONKING]

-Hey. Hey, are you kidding me?
-Hey, you again.

Yes, me again.
Getting my cab taken by you again.

Nice bag.
I like it better than the one you had.

It's supposed to be at class.
I can't be late, so if you don't mind....

Sorry. She had an audition. Something--
I think a talking dog was involved.

Yeah, I know the feeling.

Let me make it up to you.
Buy you a drink?

Are you seriously hitting on me
while still holding your date's shoes?

Well, if you change your mind, the King
Cole Bar still makes a Red Snapper.

You look like you're about a size 8?

Taxi.

"Indra Nooyi, Ann Moore, Andrea Jung."
Why are these all businesswomen?

We color coded for easy reference.

Businesswomen are in green.
Women in academia are in blue.

Politics and government in red with
a subsection on royalty and dictators.

Oh, files. What's going on?

I'm researching women of power so I
can better forge my path to become one.

Sarah Louise Palin?

Do you even want to be a minion?

B, uh, can I talk to you for a minute?
I need advice.

Yes. Five paces behind, for privacy.

-Ten for you.
-What?

How are you?
I've barely seen you all week.

Uh, I've been great. You know,
with Dan and Nate behind me...

...I really feel like I can bury the old me
and start anew.

May you rest in peace.

The problem is, I've been late
for my English Lit class a few times...

...and lates count as absences--

If only there were a device of some kind
to keep the time.

S, listen to me.
College professors have a god complex.

So just meet with him
and say you're sorry.

The simplest way to turn an enemy
into a friend is to seek their counsel.

Who taught you that,
one of your Asian Art of w*r gurus?

Martha Chamberlin. Guest lecturing
a series called Psychology of Business.

-I'm heading to the registrar's to sign up.
-I love her.

B, how do you do it? Chuck declares w*r
and you simply up your class load?

The more time I spend on campus,
the safer I am.

Chuck is allergic to education
and bettering himself.

Well, I'm not. So if I'm gonna work on
my new self, I should head to the library.

Sign me up for Martha's class.
We'll go together.

[SIGHS]

VANESSA: Your guitar tuner? Really?
You have the worst poker face ever.

Okay, fine.
Dan hasn't been returning my calls...

...and I wanted to make sure everything
was okay with you guys.

Everything is better than okay.
Dan and I had a marathon talk.

Everything that we haven't dealt with,
including Serena.

And from now on,
there's no more secrets or surprises.

Well, that's great. Uh....

I never doubted you guys for a second.

Seriously, you need to practice
in the mirror or something.

I don't know how do they let you live
on the Upper East Side.

That's great you and Vanessa sorted
everything out. We should double.

Juliet and I are going to this Faculty and
Friends mixer at the Hamilton House.

-You guys wanna come?
-No?

-There's free appetizers, Humphrey.
-Oh, okay. Fine.

-You wanna go see a movie afterwards?
-No can do.

Oh, come on.
It doesn't even have to have subtitles.

Sounds great. No. Juliet and I have this
nice evening planned after the mixer.

Got some champagne,
new Matteo sheets.

I'm hoping
some recently purchased lingerie.

It's for her, right?

Wait. I'm sorry. You guys haven't, uh--?

No, I haven't.
I did spend the night at her place.

I took a page from the Humphrey
playbook we talked and played Scrabble.

[CHUCKLES]

That's nice. Thanks.

By the way,
thank you for, uh, inviting me today.

-After everything that's happened.
-Yeah, yeah. I missed you too, man.

No hugs. You're not getting a hug.

-Not one?
-Not one.

I'm sorry I didn't visit last week.
Things are really ramping up at school.

The good news is that Serena is
now isolated from both Dan and Nate.

-What about Blair?
-Blair will get distracted, eventually.

Come on. It was only a few weeks ago
I went after Serena at Hamilton House.

If I get caught trying to get her expelled,
it's over.

Not if you have a fall guy.

Maybe someone with pretty blue eyes
and a history with Serena?

Have you been spying on me?

Spying implies a lack of trust.

And I know that I can trust you.

I'm only dating Nate
to stay in Serena's orbit.

Good.

Because we agreed that we would not
stop until Serena was left with nothing.

Just like I was.

And the next thing to take from her
is Columbia.

Seeing as how you're in with these
people, shouldn't be too hard, right?

I know what to do.

[CHATTERING]

[BELL RINGING]

There you are. Where do I sign up
for Miss Chamberlin's lecture series?

[GASPS]

-What are you doing here?
-Go Lions.

No, that's impossible. Even for you.

The dean has extended me the courtesy
of auditing a few classes.

We felt it important
I get a feel for campus life...

...before breaking ground on
the new Bart Bass Memorial Rotunda.

-What?
-It's a building...

...with a ground plan,
usually covered by a dome.

I know what a rotunda is.

You can't be here. Columbia's mine.
What do you want?

Last time we spoke,
I thought I was crystal clear.

You took away what I cared about most.

To return the favor...

...I'm going to take Columbia away
from you.

Come back later and sign me and Serena
up for Martha's class, but do it quietly.

I don't want Chuck to know.

Go.

GOSSIP GIRL:
This just in.

Looks like you can take the girl
out of the party...

...but not the party out of the girl.

[PHONE BEEPS]

Rumor has it our favorite blond could be
spreading more than just good cheer.

And if it's true,
then there's a test out there...

...a few of you might not be able to pass.

Does SVW have an STD?

Who would lie to Gossip Girl like that?

Do you want a list?
I don't know if I have time.

A good scandal is one thing.

But even Gossip Girl likes to keep things
classy and somewhat true.

I just wanted to focus on school.

Don't let this stop you. Without
someone confirming, it'll blow over.

Keep doing what you're doing.
Hold your head high.

This is our school. We were here first,
damn him to hell.

Why do I get the feeling your pep talk
is not entirely meant for me?

Chuck is here. At Columbia.

Wow, he's bringing the battle
to campus?

Yes, well, I already have a battle plan.

I found out Martha Chamberlin takes
a student assistant when she lectures.

That position will be my private island
against the storm that is Chuck Bass.

If you won't let a disease like Chuck
deter you...

...what leg do I have to stand on?

I'll plant myself in the quad,
act like I don't have a care in the world.

And e-mail my professor
to see when he can meet.

JULIET: Okay. It says here that you
both slept with Serena and Vanessa...

...and that Vanessa also slept
with Chuck who slept with Blair.

All that's on Gossip Girl?

Yeah. She made a chart,
which I have to say is very helpful.

Oh, God.

-Can we talk?
-Yeah.

Thank you for meeting me
before your game.

I just-- I thought
that we should talk about this...

...before we spend our first night
together.

You know it's just a rumor.
It's not true.

Even if it was, I haven't slept
with Serena since last spring.

-So?
-So I think I would, you know, know?

Nate, symptoms can be dormant
for months or not even appear at all.

You could still be a carrier.

-What?
-I'm a girl.

I paid attention in health class.

So you want me to get tested?

I'm not worried,
but if it makes you feel better...

-...I'll swing by the clinic after the game.
-Thank you.

And I promise you, when you see
the outfit I bought for tomorrow night...

...it will be well worth it.

DAN: Vanessa, like I told you
on the phone, it's totally false.

And what business is it of yours
anyway? You and I both got tested.

Remember that? I do.
I've not been with anyone else since.

Dan, Serena was sleeping in your bed
and wearing your T-shirt.

If something else happened,
I need to know.

Nothing else happened.
What happened to our big talk?

Honestly, I don't know if I can have
this same conversation one more time.

I'm sorry. You're right.
It's just the blast freaked me out.

It's okay. I promise....

Promise you have nothing
to worry about.

All right? I'll call you after the game.

Serena. Hi.

-How are you?
-Great. Why wouldn't I be?

If you're referring
to the vicious rumor on Gossip Girl.

You wouldn't have anything to do
with that?

No. Look, I just came over here
to tell you...

...the way our professor called you out
in front of the entire class...

...you didn't deserve that.
If there's anything I can do--

No, I already e-mailed him.

I'm hoping to talk with him myself
tomorrow.

Good.

Well, anyhow...

...I really didn't have anything
to do with that blast.

It's the last thing
I would have wanted.

What do you mean?

Nate sort of freaked when he saw it.

Freaked how? He doesn't believe it.

[SCOFFS]

-Thanks for coming with me.
-No problem.

Shouldn't have told you about
the swab. Insensitive.

Just think about how happy you'll be
with a clean bill of health tomorrow.

What the hell are you doing? And you?
It's been, what, two years?

I'm a wingman.

Wanna sign me in, see you in a minute?

-I'll step away now.
-Cool.

I know about your summer of love
from Chuck's black book...

...and honestly, for your sake,
I hope you do get tested.

Do it today, and people will think
you believe the blast.

You'll be confirming the rumor. Please.

Please just wait a few days
or go somewhere else.

Serena, there's someone else
I need to do this for, okay?

And right now,
she's my priority, not you.

[PHONE BEEPS]

Miss Chamberlin's largest client
to date? National r*fle Association.

She created the Mama Bears campaign.
Increased female membership by a third.

And the cherry pie?

First success was branding a cherry pie
recipe for Better Homes and Gardens.

How do you go from
Better Homes to the NRA?

It's a short trip, believe me.

Ms. Chamberlin. Blair Waldorf. I'll be
in your Psychology of Business class.

Oh, nice to meet you. I'm not
having office hours yet, but if you--

Actually, I was hoping we could discuss
the assistant position.

I'm a big fan.

Unfortunately,
the position has been filled.

By who?

No.

Miss Chamberlin,
whatever Mr. Bass has told you...

...I assure you, he has no interest in
your class or any idea who you even are.

-Thank you.
-On the contrary.

Once I decided to rebrand The Empire,
there was only one name on my list.

We can talk more
as I walk you to your limo.

Thank you.

Good day, Miss Waldorf.

If you have any questions regarding
the class, Mr. Bass will answer them.

Actually, it turns out Miss Chamberlin's
class is over-enrolled.

You didn't make the cut. Sorry.

Mm. I almost forgot
how much I used to enjoy your pie.

GOSSIP GIRL:
Batten down the hatches.

Looks like your island in the storm
was just hit by a Bass 5 hurricane.

-Where are you off to?
-Oh, campus.

My professor agreed to meet with me
during office hours.

Oh, good for you. We can't let the men
of our past define us.

They want us to lash out,
lower ourselves to their level.

But it is our job to remain civilized.

So you're gonna let Chuck
have the assistant position then?

I said "civilized," not lobotomized.

Oh, Miss Chamberlin,
so good of you to come.

Earl Grey, if I'm not mistaken?

-What is going on?
-It's better not to know.

Plausible deniability.

I agreed to meet because your mother
and I have crossed paths on occasion...

...and I felt it a professional courtesy.

Oh.

Did you know that my mother
remarried? Amazing man.

Your point?

I was sorry to hear about your
unfortunate divorce a few years ago.

-I beg your pardon?
-Oh, boy.

You and I both know power
is the greatest aphrodisiac...

...except, of course,
when women have it.

Your ex-husband, for example.

-I mean, the nanny. How cliché.
-I'm listening.

My stepfather has surrounded himself
with people who are not intimidated...

...by a woman's success.

One of the partners at his firm
is exceptionally attractive...

...and I don't mean to sound forward...

...but I'd love to introduce you
at the Hamilton House party tonight.

Well, I was going to be at the party,
anyway, so--

Well, then I'll make a call.

That is, of course,
if the assistant position is still available.

Let's just say
that nothing is set in stone.

Hmm. I'm sorry, did you say "scone"?

No, no, no. I don't care how late she is
for her audition.

Flight attendant. So quick to judge.
How's school going?

Terrible. I can't be late.

I can get you a copy of my schedule
so we can stop doing this.

Why would we wanna do that?

You put a different girl into a cab
every day.

If you think I'd be one of them,
you're out of your mind.

I think nothing of the sort. In fact,
I leave at this time on purpose...

...hoping to get to see you.

Good. Then I'm taking the cab.
Scoot over.

Hey. What are you doing here?

Hey, uh, Lily's not around, right?

She and Eric are visiting colleges.
Just us. Why?

Okay. Well, there's-- There's a rumor
going around that Serena has, um--

She has-- She has something.

-Has something?
-Yeah. Please get there faster.

Oh, you mean--?

-Oh. Oh, boy.
-Yeah. Yeah. It's not true.

There was a picture of me with Nate
at the health center...

...so I'm sure Vanessa thinks...

...that something more than a kiss
happened between me and Serena.

-Did it?
-No. I've told her that a hundred times.

She slept in the other room last night
and when I woke up, she wasn't there.

I thought you'd be glad
I was sharing with you.

I am, I am. But you're not gonna like
what I have to say.

Serena is a formidable woman
and what you shared is a big love.

You can't blame Vanessa
for being insecure.

You need to show her she doesn't have
anything to be worried about.

I've told her that.

I'm not gonna stop talking to Serena,
cut her out of my life.

All I'm saying is, at least for right now...

...Vanessa needs to know
that she's the only one you care about.

I need to talk to you.

Oh, I'm in a hurry.
Now is not a good time.

Tell me what happened
between you and Dan.

Isn't that a conversation
you should have with him?

I did. But I can't trust him
when it comes to you.

What does that mean?

It wouldn't be the first time
a guy had lied...

...to cover up a night spent with you.

You know, Vanessa, you always
wanna believe the worst in people.

-Why change now?
-Exactly.

[PHONE BEEPS]

Glad to see you took me up
on my offer.

I hope you like my signature martinis.

I'm tired of making dossiers
and carrying cherry pies.

This will be good practice
if I decide to take Blair down myself.

Well, don't get ahead of yourself,
but I appreciate the enthusiasm.

What did you find out?

[CHATTERING]

Hi. I just got your text. What's up?

Yeah. I found out that test results could
take three or four days to get back.

-Wow.
-Yeah.

Three or four days.

I can't believe our night's being derailed
by this.

Unless...

...there's another way
that we can know for sure.

I mean, Serena must have talked...

...or e-mailed someone about
whether the rumors were true or not.

I guess I could talk to Blair.

Yeah.

-She'd probably take the fifth.
-Mm.

How else are we gonna find out?

No.

Forget it.

I just think the anticipation
is making me crazy.

Well, I'm gonna go home.

We should both get ready and I am
gonna start by taking a cold shower.

Okay.

I think we're ready.

BEN [OVER PHONE]: You think?
-I can't come out...

...and ask him to steal Serena's phone.

But trust me,
he's right where we need him to be.

Good. If anything goes wrong,
it'll be on him.

Right. Just like we planned.

I have to go.

Vanessa? What are you doing up here?

I think Dan and Serena slept together
when we were still going out.

Oh, my God. Are you sure?

That's the problem. They deny it.
Sorry to unload on you like this.

-I feel like I'm losing my mind.
-You have to find out for sure.

How?

I think I might have an idea.

That is, of course, if you're up for it.

Right now, I'm up for anything,
believe me.

Then call Dan.

Tell him you wanna talk and we'll meet
him and Nate at Hamilton House tonight.

Are you sure?

Trust me.

Things have a way of working out
when you least expect it.

Where have you been?

SERENA:
I know, I'm late again.

So I take it the meeting
with your professor did not go well.

It didn't go at all. I didn't make it.

You know there's a clock
on your cell phone.

Yes, yes. But it wasn't my fault.

I e-mailed him and begged
for five minutes of his time.

Then we settle all Columbia business
tonight.

It happens that Miss Chamberlin--

B, can I just wish you good luck and
take plausible deniability on this one?

Luck not needed but right back at you.

You're a natural.

I said Serena forgot something.

One smile at the coat check guy
and he handed it right over.

Now check her e-mail.

If Serena and Dan slept together, there's
bound to be a message about the rumor.

This feels very wrong.

It's the only way you'll know for sure.

There's an e-mail from Dan
a few hours ago.

What?

"If Vanessa thinks something
more than a kiss happened between us...

...even though it didn't...

...I need to show her I'm willing to do
whatever it takes to make things work."

-Now you have your answer.
-We have to put this back.

Wait, wait, wait.

My boyfriend dated her too.

You're not the only one
with Serena insecurity.

Okay, well, then hurry up.

sh**t. I think someone's coming.

Coast is clear. Well?

Nothing. Thank God.
Come on, let's get out of here.

Okay, wait. I told Dan that I needed
to talk. What do I say now?

He's a guy.
Do you think he really wants to talk?

Just take him home and show him
you're ready to move on.

Twice, if necessary.

[CHUCKLES]

Thank you.

Nate's a lucky guy.
You guys make a really good couple.

Yeah. We do...

...don't we?

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

Pardon the interruption,
but you have an important call.

Blair Waldorf.

I'm Miss Chamberlin's new assistant.

Confident, I see.

When destiny calls? Always.

[PHONE BEEPS]

Especially when it arrives right on time.

Nothing says soul mate like punctuality.

Hey, Vanessa.

Dan. Nate. Um, Juliet's looking for you.

Thank you.

Hey.

-Hey, what's going on?
-What do you mean?

I mean, like,
why are you smiling so much?

[STAMMERING]
I'm just-- I'm-- I'm glad to see you.

I thought you were mad at me.
I'm confused here.

Okay, wait a second. Now, I'm--
Now I'm really confused.

You said we needed to talk.

We already did. I wasn't listening.

What do you say we get out, show you
how much we don't need to talk?

[CHUCKLES]

I don't know. I mean, I'm pretty
stubborn. It might take all night.

Well, then I guess
you'll need your strength.

Let's load up on free appetizers
before we leave.

Hamilton House
is where dreams come true.

On that, we agree.

There. Shall we?

Beautiful scarf.

Well, as we work together, you'll come
to find that your tastes are my tastes.

Guess who?

Sam, hi.

I must say,
Blair did not do you justice.

I know the feeling.

You thought
this was my special someone.

No.

I mean, unless....

Since I'm a powerful, career-driven
woman who intimidates men...

...I must be a l*sbian.

BLAIR:
No. This was not the date I set up.

He was an intellectual property lawyer
who does pro bono work...

...helping kids sue Hollywood
for stealing their Twitter ideas.

Then I suggest you see
if he needs an assistant. My class is full.

Forever.

Great scarf, by the way.

Dean Reuther,
Serena van der Woodsen.

Professor Lawford, I'm so sorry
I didn't make our meeting this morning.

As I mentioned in my e-mail...

...I'm hoping to impress upon you,
upon both of you...

...that I'm willing to do whatever it takes
to succeed.

Yes. The e-mail that you sent
to Professor Lawford makes that clear.

I'm sorry?

REUTHER: Perhaps we should have
this conversation in private.

And what conversation would that be?

The one regarding your e-mail
that offers sex for grades.

What?

I didn't do that. I would never do that.

That is your e-mail address, is it not?

Yes, but I didn't send this.

Miss van der Woodsen, obviously,
we pay no mind to childish rumors...

...that circulate all college campuses.
But this e-mail is extremely serious.

The consequence of sending it,
I'm afraid, is expulsion.

Expulsion?

GOSSIP GIRL:
Spotted...

...Serena van der Woodsen
looking like she's hot for teacher.

That's the thing about a good gaslight.

With enough smoke,
who cares if there's really a fire?

Did you send that e-mail? The one that
came from Serena's phone, offering sex?

What? Why would I do that?

It sounds like an idea
that Serena would get all on her own.

I don't think she would do that.
I'm gonna tell her we had her phone.

Wait. Don't.

Maybe if we had access to it,
then somebody else did as well.

I didn't send that e-mail, but if
you tell her that we took her phone...

-...she'll blame us, I could get expelled.
-And so could she.

If you didn't send it,
then you have nothing to worry about.

Where is Martha's date?

Penthouse suite of The Empire...

...with a woman he won't wanna leave
until morning. Maybe afternoon.

Depends on his cardio.

I was going to play nice.

-You think I don't have a plan B?
-Plan B?

What could be more cunning
and devious than date night?

I had Dorota get chummy
with Martha's maid...

...who came over from her sweat shop
in the Philippines. I'll blackmail her.

Maid scandal?
Nobody's cared about those.

A l*sbian switcheroo
doesn't make you Blackwater.

Switcheroo was for fun.

The IRS agent standing by
to crawl up Martha's audit is not.

A tax fraud set-up? They give away
Girl Scout badges for that.

I have her prenup. It has details.

I have the nanny. She has pictures.
Martha's ex is in them and so is Martha.

It turns out it was a threesome
until the nanny turned it into a twosome.

Oh, my God. You students are psychotic.

I have better things to do with my time.

Tell the dean I quit.

Shame.

Sounded like a great class.
If you'll excuse me...

...I've heard good things
about the make-your-own pizza bar.

My phone isn't here. Whoever stole it
must have sent the e-mail.

A missing cell phone is hardly proof.

I'll see you in my office on Monday
and we'll talk about what's next.

Don't do this. You don't go to Columbia.
They can't do anything to you.

-I'm sorry, but it's the right thing to do.
-Wait.

Serena.

Call your phone.

Maybe the person who stole it
might still be here.

Hey. Hey. What's going on?

[PHONE RINGING]

Vanessa stole my phone
and sent an e-mail to my professor.

That's crazy.

Really? Do you wanna answer that?

I'll speak with you later.

I can explain.

-You took Serena's phone?
-She thinks we slept together.

You were the one behind
the Gossip Girl rumor.

What? No.

I know how this looks,
but I did not send out that e-mail.

Juliet did.
She wanted to steal your phone.

Are you kidding me? There is no way
that I'm getting dragged into this.

Wasn't gonna say anything,
but Vanessa came to me.

She asked me to help her get revenge
and I told her no.

That is a lie.

No, it's not.
Juliet told me before the party.

She was hoping to talk to Vanessa
and calm her down. But I'm sorry, man.

Is that why you were so happy earlier
and you wanted to get out of here?

With my phone, so she could get rid of
the evidence, make sure I was expelled.

I did not do this.

After everything we've been through,
I'm asking you to please believe me.

I don't know what to believe right now.

JULIET: Vanessa--
-Don't.

I'm sorry. Okay? I wanted to be friends,
but what did you expect me to do?

I had to protect myself.

You're right. You do.

GOSSIP GIRL: Poor V.
Didn't she know that in love and w*r...

...a friend in need
is willing to do most any deed?

I believe you didn't send that e-mail...

...but I can't ignore the level of drama
that has followed you to my campus...

...and grown even louder
since you arrived.

Meaning?

Women of my generation
had to fight for every opportunity...

...and to be taken seriously...

...and your attitude
makes a mockery of that.

If I were you,
I would rethink my priorities.

Good night.

Miss Waldorf,
I have my eye on you as well.

Plausible deniability was a good call.

Speaking of denials, you've been cleared
in the court of public opinion.

Gossip Girl sent an official retraction
and apology to you about the rumor.

Not to mention, she said, whatever
person sent it is now on her hit list.

-Yeah, well, it was Vanessa.
BLAIR: Vanessa?

Oh, Gossip Girl's scorn
will only increase her social standing.

How did you figure it out?

Uh, ironically, it was Juliet
I have to thank for that.

If you'll excuse me.

I was just telling Blair I have you
to thank for clearing my name.

I know we got off on the wrong foot.

But it's just because I was jealous
of how much you meant to Nate...

...and I'm sorry.

Well, boys will do it almost every time.

Yeah, if they weren't so darn cute.

-Are you sure you're gonna be okay?
SERENA: Yeah.

Do you maybe wanna grab a drink
with us?

Uh, no, I actually just wanna
get out of here. I'll see you in class.

Yeah.

Don't be late.

BLAIR:
What are you still doing here?

I lost the assistant position.

The entire faculty thinks
I'm just as crazy as you.

You've made your point. Can't you take
your little celebration elsewhere?

If you think I take tonight as some sort
of balancing of the scales, I don't.

I'm not trying to make a point, Blair.

This is just a warm up.

Whatever you want,
wherever you want it...

...I'm going to be there
to take it away from you.

I won't stop until you have nothing.

You wouldn't go that far.

Who knows my limits?
Since you took away my future.

That wasn't your future.

That was Henry Prince's.

-Destroying me won't make you happy.
-Happier.

The only thing
that will make you happy...

...you lost the moment you slept
with Jenny Humphrey.

And that was the best thing
that ever happened to me...

...because I got over you forever.

If that's the truth, then why haven't you
told anyone about Jenny?

Not your family, not your minions,
not Gossip Girl.

I know you're not keeping that secret
to protect me.

You wouldn't.

That revelation would result
in mutual destruction.

You may be homicidal
but you're not suicidal.

A man with nothing to live for
is capable of anything.

I'm gonna stay with my parents
for a little while.

That's-- That's probably a good idea.

I think I could use some time alone too.

Dan, it's really important to me that
you know I didn't start any rumors...

...or send out that e-mail.

I believe you. I think.

But it doesn't change the fact
that you didn't believe me.

I know that now.

It's just too bad that it took losing you
to figure it out.

[EASY LISTENING MUSIC
PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

COLIN:
The Red Snapper.

Excellent choice.

What do you think?

I think it's a Bloody Mary
with an inferiority complex.

Fair enough.

So drinking alone, are we?

You've made it pretty clear
you're out of my league.

What do you have to lose by answering?

I prefer not to encourage
this kind of behavior.

Tell you what.

One drink, one question.

Tell me why you're drinking alone
and I'll tell you anything you want.

I thought I could start over...

...but it turns out college is just
high school with more expensive books.

There's no starting over.

No matter where I go, whatever I do,
my past seems to follow me.

So, what about you?

Why are you with a different girl
every night?

Because I stopped apologizing
for my past a long time ago.

Does that really work?
Does that actually make you happy?

It did.

GOSSIP GIRL: The law of affinity refers to
unlikely compositions forming a bond...

...through a purely chemical reaction.

BEN [OVER PHONE]:
Why didn't you stick to the plan?

Like I said, I thought Vanessa
was the better option.

Well, she wasn't.
Serena didn't get expelled.

JULIET:
But now I'm in with Serena.

I can become her confidant,
find something bigger to take her down.

Good. Because now you have no choice.

I better not find out
this was about protecting Nate.

Because if you're falling for him....

I'm not. I swear.

I guess I have to trust you.

Yeah, I guess you do.

GOSSIP GIRL: But even the strongest
bonds have their limits.

And when broken--

You sure about this?

Mm-hm.

Now that we know Vanessa
was behind the rumors...

...absolutely.

GOSSIP GIRL:
--that if left unchecked...

...explode like a nuclear b*mb.

Veronica. You still work with Tim Gunn?

I need to get an interview for someone
who will be applying to Parsons.

Perfect.

Yeah, her name's Jenny Humphrey.

Thanks.

GOSSIP GIRL: Waiting for the fallout.
XOXO, Gossip Girl.