5x17 - The Princess Dowry

[bunniefuu]

Gossip Girl here-- your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite.

You shouldn't have sent that video in to "Gossip Girl.

" I didn't do it.

If you didn't do it and I didn't, then who did? Of course I love you, Chuck.

I've always loved you.

Humphrey, you b*stard.

You and your family will quite literally pay the consequences.

Or did you forget about the dowry? If she defaults on the marriage, the dowry can be reinstated.

You do not have to go with them.

It's just a year.

It's not that long, right? This is Estee, A.

K.

A.

, my royal minder, but I've just been calling her "Creeper" for short.

I do have feelings for Dan.

I'm sorry.

This isn't gonna be easy for me, but at least you're being honest.

I don't want to get in the way of you and Dan.

I think we need to get her to the hospital.

Please stay with me.

You're the only person I feel safe with.

I won't leave you.

I promise.

Oh! Mother? Charlie, what are you doing here? She's been with Ms.

Rhodes for months.

She's been such a solace to her.

Mom? Why did you introduce this girl as your daughter? Who is she? Ivy Dickens.

Your mom hired me to be you.

You hid an entire family from me for money? I don't really wanna be alone.

Can I stay with you? There's nothing we can do.

You need to go in and say your good-byes.

They say we should carry our secrets to the grave.

But on the Upper East Side, secrets are the one thing you can never bury.

Even when we think we know everything about the ones we love, there's always a skeleton in their walk-in closet.

Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.

Mrs.

Humphrey, in my business, there's rarely advance warning.

Oh, of course.

I just wanted to make sure all of mother's funeral arrangements were perfect.

She was very particular, liked things a certain way.

Um, would it be possible for us to work with our own florist? Oh.

I'm sorry.

I thought you knew.

Your mother provided very detailed instructions.

In fact, if you return home right about now, I think you'll discover the wake is already underway.

Well, I can hear my mother laughing from beyond the grave.

I'm sure she just didn't want to bother you with making all the arrangements.

Or she just didn't trust your taste level.

Oh.

I'm the other daughter, Carol.

Crashing as usual.

Well, since you're here, you might want to know that it seems mother took care of everything in advance.

I'd tell you to invite your daughter-- the real one, not the fake one-- but she's not speaking to you.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I apparently have a wake to host.

Aren't you gonna be late for work? Or you pulling a "Vanilla Sky" and hiding your hideous disfigurement from your global publishing empire? What? I thought you found my lacrosse injury sexy.

No? Besides, I figured we could spend the day together and catch up.

Uh-oh.

No.

No.

Don't give me that "Let's talk about our feelings" face.

What? This is normal face.

Okay? No, I'm worried about you.

In the past 72 hours, you found out that you have this entire secret family.

Yeah, and my mom hired an actress I know to play me.

I'm aware.

Then why haven't you said a word about it? I may not have known about the Van Der Woodsens for the last 19 years, but they sure knew about me.

And they didn't care, so that pretty much tells me everything I need to know about your fancy friends from the Upper East Side.

Now buy a girl some breakfast? All right.

Two minutes.

Get dressed.

I'll make coffee.

Hey.

How you holding up? Well, the past few days have been tough on everyone.

But I-I have a question.

Are you with Lola? She hasn't been answering any of my calls or texts.

Ahh.

Yeah.

She's Not really that interested in being a Rhodes right now.

Well, trust me, I know what it's like to want distance from your family more than anyone.

But I thought maybe with Cece's death, she'd make an exception.

Well, I'm not so sure.

The entire Van Der Woodsen clan on a good day can be pretty overwhelming.

Well, I have an idea.

Maybe you know, maybe she can just dip her toes in the water with just me? I'm at my mom's right now.

No one else is here.

They'll be at the funeral home for a while.

Maybe the three of us can meet up.

I mean, I'll ask her.

I just can't promise you anything.

Thank you, Nate.

Coffee? Top drawer.

It relaxes me to watch Anita Dust.

I did not need to know that.

What's got you in such a good mood? I recently found out who actually sent "Gossip Girl" the now-infamous video of me and Blair at the royal wedding-- that hump, Humphrey.

What, Dan? He was only too happy to let Serena and me take the fall so he could worm his way into Blair's broken heart.

Unfortunately for him, when she finds out the truth, his chances with her will be destroyed, and she will be mine again.

I don't know, Chuck.

Are you sure you want to start World w*r Waldorf right now? Why wouldn't I? 'Cause you and I both know that nothing can actually happen between Dan and Blair for at least a year.

So a lot can change in 12 months.

Take the high road.

Grab your coat.

I'm kidnapping you and taking you to a bona fide Humphrey brunch.

Psst! Ah.

Bien sur.

Merci.

Nous parlerons demain.

So for those of us who took Italian, what was that all about? That was Cyrus and another attorney at his firm.

They think they may have found a loophole in my prenup.

Are you serious? Yes.

Apparently, since we signed it in Monaco but got married in the U.

S.

-- You can contest it.

Oh, we can try.

Cyrus thinks the Grimaldis may have to grant me an amicable annulment, meaning that they'd waive my dowry And you wouldn't have to wait the year for Anything.

When will Cyrus know for sure? Well, he's supposed to talk to the Grimaldis' royal attorney in an hour, so rain check on that waffle? I should wait here Hopefully for the last time.

No.

Delete.

Delete.

What are you doing? Trying to help.

No, you're not.

If you were, you wouldn't let me sl*ve in front of this computer all day as Gossip Girl.

Well, I thought you said knowing everyone's secrets as Gossip Girl was your dream come true.

It was, until I realized how much work it is.

I mean, look at me.

I'm exhausted and aggravated.

I have no social life to speak of.

I feel like a stay-at-home mom.

Oh, honey, don't say that.

It's true.

I mean, all my life I've been the one that they write stories about, and now I'm just another anonymous shut-in with an online shopping addiction.

Tell me, what can I do? Well Since you asked, Georgina Sparks needs a recharge, so I've decided to take a mental health day, and I've found the perfect event to crash-- Cece Rhodes' secret wake.

What about "Gossip Girl"? The site can't go down all day.

It won't.

That's why I'm leaving you in charge.

Don't worry.

It's not rocket science.

You just take the tips that people send in and post them if they're worthy.

Are you sure this is such a good idea? Aw, what's a Van Der Woodsen family event if I'm not there to ruin it? Besides, I already promised a new friend I'd be her plus one.

Thank you for coming with me.

I know I was invited, but, uh, I don't think I could face them all alone.

I understand.

When everybody at a party hates you, who better to bring than someone they hate even more? What are you doing down here? I thought there was a family breakfast this morning.

Oh, there's a lot more than that going on upstairs.

I just came down to warn my mom.

You'll see for yourself.

Is Blair's houseboy up there? You mean Dan? Is that why you came by-- to get intel on him and Blair, t*rture him a little? Maybe just a little.

Well, he's not here.

At least, not yet.

But, um, here's some intel for you.

Blair just texted me that Cyrus may have found a loophole in her prenup, so she may be released sooner than any of us thought.

And right into Dan's waiting arms.

If you'll excuse me.

So what do you wanna do for breakfast? Oh, I was thinking Untitled at the Whitney-- Danny Meyer's new place? Oh, you're trying to score a cool point, aren't you? And since we'll be on Madison anyway Oh, here it comes.

Well, we'll be walking right by Serena's mom's, which Serena will be at by herself, I might add.

Nate, what part of wanting nothing to do with the Van Der Woodsens don't you understand? Look, I know how you feel about them, but not everything from the Upper East Side is automatically bad.

Okay.

Name one thing that isn't.

Me.

Come on.

Serena's one of my best friends, okay? You haven't even given her one shot.

What's the harm? All right, but if we stop by, you have to promise me that you're never gonna play me like this again, okay? I promise.

Mom, you knew grandma always did like to do things her own way.

I know.

I'm just not entirely sure I'm in the mood for the "Mayflower" mausoleum in mother's honor that obviously awaits us upstairs.

Oh, my God.

It was all here when I got home.

There's whiskey and stew And mother.

And those are our mourners' chairs where we will sit and mourn because this is an Irish wake.

Looks like this wake might end up being the wake-up call you so desperately need.

Copy Paste Post.

Oh, no.

Oh, crap.

I just can't believe that this was mother's idea.

And who are these people? I don't recognize a soul.

Well, I guess Cece wanted us to celebrate her life and not mourn her death, so she didn't invite any of her stodgy socialites, just the the help.

That--that--that was her butcher from East Hampton, and her driver.

And the fireman that saved her life the night she left the candle burning.

Hi.

You.

What are you doing here? I was invited by your mother herself.

I promised her I'd come.

I just came to pay my respects.

I won't bother anybody.

This is all Carol's fault.

Yeah, I'm sure she's hiding here somewhere.

You can't let Carol get to you like this.

The executor of the estate is supposed to be coming, whoever that is.

My money is on Elias the gardener.

And I'm sure everything will be explained once they read the will.

Well, whoever it is, they'd better get here soon, because I'm not responsible for what I might do.

So Serena's here alone, huh? I swear I had no idea what we were walking into.

So this is an epic fail.

Yeah, let's just go, before someone sees us.

Lola.

May I have a word? Of course this is happening.

What is it, mother? Do you mind telling me what you're doing here? Oh, yeah, well, let's see.

Um, this morning, while I was in the shower at Nate's, Serena, the cousin I just found out about, tricked me into coming to the wake of the grandmother that I never knew existed at the house of the family that you hid from me for my entire life.

Does that sum it up for you enough? I know you blame me for everything, but I only lied to you because we're not safe around these people.

They're materialistic monsters.

Oh, says the woman who looted her own daughter's trust fund.

That money was for you.

You cannot believe a word these people say.

Mom, the only person here who's ever lied to me is you.

Hey.

I know this place is crazy, but I'm really glad you came.

I was just about to call you.

I know.

I screwed up.

Yes, you did.

Who knows if anyone will send in another tip ever? Luckily for you, I'm in the eye of the hurricane.

So I can watch your mess play out, and if this is my last day as Gossip Girl thanks to you, I'm going out with a bang.

Dan, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Hey, Dennis.

Georgina, I would ask you what you're doing here if I cared, which I don't, so I was just wondering if you had the chance to check "Gossip Girl" recently.

No.

Why? I know I promised I'd never publicly reveal that little video secret of yours, but unfortunately, I left Philip in charge.

So lesson learned.

Okay.

Bye.

Oh, "G.

G.

--It's time you told everyone Dan Humphrey sent in that video on Blair's wedding day.

" Philip is rich, not bright.

I'm sorry, but keep reading.

Oh, my God.

This was-- this was sent in by How dare you? Of all your many, many attempts at sabotage, this is by far the most pathetic.

Are you so worried that I'll find happiness without you that you feel the need to spread baseless lies at the wake of my best friend's grandmother? While you may be correct about my motives, the blast is anything but a lie.

You know Serena and I didn't send the video, and it certainly wasn't Louis, so who's left? I'm not playing this game.

Why don't you tell that to your boyfriend over there? Or even better, ask him the truth.

Blair, please wait.

I have nothing to say to you.

I am so sorry I lied.

You didn't just lie, Humphrey.

You let me blame my best friend and my ex for something they didn't do.

You embarrassed me in front of You made me the target of tabloids and T.

S.

A.

agents, not to mention, you helped lock the bars of my gilded cage.

Am I forgetting anything? I should have told you the truth right away, but I swear, I never meant to hurt you.

Then what other reason could you have had to send in that video? I spent every day leading up to the wedding listening to you say you had to marry Louis even though you didn't love him.

I couldn't stand to see you so unhappy.

I only thought it would stop the wedding.

I never thought you would leave it with me.

And us fighting like this is exactly what that Bass-face wanted.

But since Cyrus thinks everything will work out with the annulment What can I do? Is there anything? Just say the word, and I will-- Just shut up, Humphrey.

I forgive you for now.

Estee? Did you follow me? I thought we weren't meeting till 4:00.

Yes, after Cyrus tried to trick the royal attorney into voiding your prenup.

I know everything.

Uh follow me.

Looks like Blair's annulment just got annulled.

Shame.

You were so close, too.

Let me assure you, your stepfather's plan will never work.

You slimy little limey.

I do not respond well to threats, and neither does Cyrus Rose.

He fought in 'Nam.

You didn't let me finish.

His plan might not work, but mine can.

We can help each other, you and I.

Go on.

You don't want Louis.

That's clear.

But I do.

The prince and I we're very close.

We grew up together, but my station always prevented me from being a suitable choice for Her Serene Highness, at least-- Until I came along.

Precisely.

You're a public relations disaster.

Next to your Sarah Ferguson's swan dive, I'm Kate bloody Middleton.

So you think the Grimaldis will welcome Louis' loyal-and-loving social secretary as a replacement? I know Louis would.

Sorry.

No, no, it's fine.

Oddly enough, I just want him to be happy.

Then this is worth a shot, isn't it? You have nothing to lose.

Make the call.

So that's the tour.

Thank you for coming by, or at least letting me trick you into coming by.

I assure you, Nate had no idea.

Well, actually, he said we were going to a museum, so he wasn't that far off.

Look, I know what your mom thinks about us, you know, how all we care about is money-- and the things you can buy.

But that couldn't be further from the truth.

Family is what's most important to us, and to prove that to you, I have two people who are gonna be so excited to see you.

Mom-- - You told me mother sold the Limoges, and don't think I didn't notice her Georg Jensen service here, either.

Tell Laryssa to count the silver right away.

I really appreciate everything you're trying to do, but, um I'm just not part of this world, and I don't really think I wanna be, either, so just tell Nate I had to go.

Oh, Lola.

I wasn't expecting to see you here.

Why? Even if I don't wanna be here, I have more of a reason than you do.

Look, I know this sounds ridiculous, but the Van Der Woodsens are the closest thing I have to an actual family.

Even though they hate me.

Yeah, I have the opposite problem.

Maybe my mother really was trying to protect me.

By stealing all your money? Ladies On the Upper East Side, money is never the real story.

It's usually just the "X" that marks the spot for what's buried beneath it.

If I were you two, I'd start digging.

What do you mean? I know it's hard for you, but stop and think.

Money doesn't explain why you hide your daughter for 18 years, unless she was being paid to do so, and judging by her hair and her clothes, I'd say that isn't so.

You think there's something else going on? How do I find out? Well, nobody here is going to tell you.

You have to find someone from the outside, somebody who isn't afraid of them.

Somebody like Dad.

Looks like there's a doctor in the house who's about to get a taste of his own medicine.

I'm so happy you're here.

It would have meant so much to grandma.

I wouldn't miss this for the world.

I'm just sorry that Eric couldn't make it back from Zaire.

I think they call that the Democratic Republic of Congo now.

They do, but trust me, it's not.

Charlie, good to see you again.

Oh, you're a little late to the party, doctor.

That isn't your niece, but this is.

Sorry? What are you even doing here? Come on.

Let's go say hi to mom.

Daddy V-D-Dubs has known the Rhodes sisters since high school.

I bet he has a secret or two he'd be willing to share if you ask nicely.

Hey, Serena said you left, but here you are with Ivy.

Hi, Nate.

I don't know why you're here, but we should probably leave since Lola and I were just walking out-- No, I'm gonna stay, and so is she.

We're gonna get to the bottom of why my mom really kept me away all these years, so, um, if you don't mind Oui.

Oui.

Naturellement.

Well? He agreed.

I need to be on the next plane back.

I'm to be amongst the royal court tomorrow when the prince breaks the news in a press conference about how it became clear you were only ever after his title.

But, uh-- Okay.

Okay.

What else? Then the royal family's publicist will start to build me up, the woman who has watched from the wings for decades.

Okay, enough about you.

More about me.

Her serene highness and the prince are only willing to annul the marriage if you agree to a gag order on all matters regarding the dissolution.

They can be the only ones to speak about it publicly.

Do you understand what that means? Well, I'll do whatever they say, as long as it gets me out of this marriage.

A press blackout is a small price to pay to get my life back.

That includes no more blind items on "Page Six" or posts on "Gossip Girl.

" Princess Sophie was very clear if you don't adhere to the deal, they'll make you pay.

Do whatever you want in your private life.

Just keep it private.

Good luck.

I'm glad we can both get what we want.

And please assure the royals when you see them that they won't hear a peep from me.

Beer me.

Perhaps you'd prefer something a little stronger.

It's green.

What are you so relaxed about? We both know that Gossip Girl's latest hiccup makes you look even worse in Blair's eyes.

Maybe today, but at least she knows Dan isn't the good guy he pretends to be.

In time, that'll sink in.

She's not getting out of this royal mess anytime soon.

Oh, but she just did.

That royal minder lady brokered the deal herself.

Although the hint of a new scandal could probably derail it if you act fast enough.

Blair will come to her senses.

What if she doesn't? What if you spend the rest of your days wondering why you didn't try and stop her from falling into the flannelled arms of that pretentious poseur? Anywho, something to think about.

What do you have in mind? Remember when I showed you this? How can I trust Gossip Girl wouldn't leave my fingerprints on another blast? You can't, which is why we use her latest screwup to our advantage and leave somebody else's instead.

Oh, look.

Dan's phone.

It must have fallen out of his coat and into my purse.

I'm sorry, Carol, but I'm gonna have to ask you to let me search your bag.

Laryssa saw you pocket-- Lily, this is beneath even you.

I see some things never change-- the maid accusing my ex sister-in-law of stealing.

William, what a lovely surprise.

Hello, dear.

Doesn't dad look great? And how are you, Carol? Under surveillance.

Lily has been shadowing me all afternoon.

That's because I knew you'd try to steal something, and apparently you did.

Do you see what I have to deal with, while my own mother lies right here? All right, Carol, I've had enough.

I want you out of my apartment this minute.

Technically, it's Cece's apartment.

What are you talking about? This is our home.

Only because your mother bought it for us.

Remember? For tax purposes, of course.

But now it's part of the estate.

William, thank you again for coming.

And I would appreciate it if you would leave the settling of mother's affairs to the executor of her estate.

That's exactly what I'm doing.

I am her executor.

And I brought her will.

Ladies, I know this must come as a shock, but as you well know, your mother and I had a long and enduring friendship.

It's just, of all the people for Cece to pick, I find it curious that she chooses the father of Lily's children.

Well, she couldn't very well have asked the father of yours.

There aren't enough D.

N.

A.

tests in Dade County to find him.

I think I'll let you two blow off some steam.

If you'll excuse me.

Hi again.

I'm Lola, Carol's daughter.

The real one.

What can I do for you? Well, I just recently found out that I'm a part of this family, and I was wondering why I was never allowed to know.

So I thought, you know, you've known my mom longer than anyone aside from Lily-- Excuse me.

Mom, do you mind? Yes, actually, I do.

You'll let me know when you need me, won't you, William? Miss Blair, I'm so sorry, but Ms.

Estee jedi-mind-tricked me into telling her you at wake.

Too many secrets lately.

I-I feel like Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.

Oh, it's fine.

I'm glad Estee found me.

Everything's gonna work out perfectly now.

That's not what Mr.

Cyrus say.

He's been trying to call you for last hour.

Why you no answer phone? I put it on silent.

I'm at a wake.

And you can tell Cyrus he doesn't need to worry.

I took care of the annulment myself.

Then why Grimaldis just call him and ask for all the money now? Well, they agreed to waive the dowry as long as I completely stayed out of the press.

Maybe princess Sophie read "Gossip Girl" again, then.

"Please post A.

S.

A.

P.

Dan.

" "I, Celia Catherine Rhodes, of Montecito, California, "being of sound mind and body, "do hereby declare this to be my last will and testament.

"First, I leave my two Andalusian thoroughbreds, "Rickey and Reggie Rhodes, to the Valley Ranch stables. Second, I leave my Faberge egg collection--"

Hey, dad, wait a second.

Sorry.

I just--I don't want her here for this.

Is she bothering you? She's a con artist, William.

And not a very good one.

Nevertheless, your mother invited her to be here, so I would like everybody to respect Cece's wishes, okay? Please.

Now if there are no more interruptions I think you dropped something.

What Are you insane? Blair's gonna think I actually sent this picture in to "Gossip Girl.

" Duh.

That was the point.

We had a deal, Georgina.

You promised to protect me if I didn't tell anyone you were Gossip Girl.

Mm-hmm.

I sold you out, so start talking.

Look, I had fun being Gossip Girl, but I'm kind of over it.

I'm just glad that the final blast was my masterpiece.

I'm sorry if it ruins your life.

It's not just mine.

It's Blair's, the Waldorfs'.

Oh.

I know.

What a mess.

It's like I just took down the entire Upper East Side.

Oh.

Here comes the bull's-eye.

You Brooklyn Benedict Arnold, I can't believe you.

It was Georgina.

She's Gossip Girl.

Oh, you will really say anything, won't you? Oh, no, that part's true.

Well, half true.

I hacked into G.

G.

's web site a few months ago when she obviously skipped town and none of you noticed, and honestly, guys, the experience has been wonderful, but it's just as well it's over now.

Okay, could you--could you tell her the important part? I didn't do this.

How does it feel to be set up and lose the person you love for something you didn't do? Estee! Please.

There must be a way to still salvage our deal with the Grimaldis.

There might be if there ever was a deal.

I'm sorry? Oh? The deal thing? Estee made it all up with my help, of course.

We knew once Chuck heard you were free again, he'd do something foolish.

Of course, even I didn't think it would happen this fast.

Anyway, I must get back to Monaco.

I have a prince to console.

Cheers.

Hmm.

Standing ovation? Why, thank you.

Oh, my God.

I was just b*tch-slapped by Bridget Jones.

You don't realize what you've done.

Yes, I do.

I've brought to light the real villain, and let me give you a hint.

It's not me.

You bankrupted the Waldorf family.

That's what paying this dowry is gonna do to them.

It was that much? No.

You left me no choice.

It would be one thing losing Blair because she doesn't wanna be with me, but I only lost her because of something you did.

Were you ever really my friend, or was it all just an act so you could keep me in check until you got what you wanted? Chuck, that is not how any of it happened, and you know it.

You framed me, and in my book, that makes you the bad guy, not me.

What's going on? Ever since the accident, Dan has been trying to keep us apart so you can have you all to himself.

Be honest for once in your life.

Tell her the truth.

She deserves that.

He's absolutely right.

I'm sorry.

"11--I leave my collection of early British watercolors to my youngest daughter, Lily.

" I'm sensing a pattern here.

Oh, frankly, Carol, I'm surprised it took you this long to realize what mother really thought of you.

Oh, come on, mom.

We're almost done here.

No, she knew that she was a greedy, spoiled-- Excuse me, Lily.

I'm not the one who's been married five times.

Ladies Most of which was for money.

Excuse me-- Well, at least I didn't try and embezzle my own daughter's trust fund so I could go shopping at Lululemon.

Okay.

The truth is, the only reason mother left you those trinkets "As for the rest of my estate, all remaining property, artwork, antiques.

.

"Stocks and bonds, bullion" Is because you pretended to love her and she pretended to love you.

At least we had an honest relationship.

"Contents of my safety deposit boxes and assorted holdings" William, I can't hear a thing.

"I leave to you.

" Y-you mean Charlotte Rhodes, my daughter.

This is not the real Charlie Rhodes.

Lola is.

No, I'm afraid not, Carol.

It says-- It says so right here.

Ivy Dickens.

You are never gonna get away with this.

Let's call the police.

Oh, please.

Wait.

Look, I never asked Cece for anything.

Oh, no, instead you poisoned her against her entire family and manipulated her into giving you everything.

That's not true.

Your grandmother just wanted someone to talk to.

Oh, please.

You don't think we can see through all your lies? You were a terrible actress when we first met, and you still are.

Mom-- I swear on my life all I ever did was help take care of her.

I mean, I even tried to tell you that she was sick.

Ohh.

Oh, but conveniently failed.

Look, will you please shut up? Forget about the money.

That's easy for you to say.

You each still have your trusts.

Mine was liquidated years ago.

How do we know Ivy didn't try to hasten our mother's death? Are you people crazy? Look, I loved her.

That's my cue.

I think I've heard enough.

This You can think whatever you want about me.

But I never lied to Cece.

Prove it.

Well, didn't you hear the will? She didn't call me "Charlie Rhodes.

" She called me "Ivy Dickens.

" Your mother knew all of my secrets, and she knew all of yours, too.

Maybe that's why she left me everything.

Ever since the accident, I've been blaming myself, blaming Louis, but it was Humphrey behind it all.

It's not that simple.

Yes, it is, and now that we know the truth, there is nothing in our way.

Humphrey's not the reason we're not together, and neither is the dowry.

Is this about saving my life again? Because we're past that.

You said you wanted to wait until your marriage was over.

Now it's over.

Chuck, I don't blame you.

And as crazy as this all has gotten, I know why you did everything.

Because I love you.

And I love you.

I always will.

But that doesn't mean I'm in love with you.

At least not right now, not the way you need me to be, not the way you deserve.

I'm sorry.

I have to go.

Hey.

Look, I know how that must have seemed up there, but Ivy Dickens is a thief.

She already stole your identity and your money, and now she's about to rob the rest of us.

Your family needs you right now.

You're not my family, and honestly, after listening to everybody upstairs, the only person I feel sorry for is Ivy.

She's a criminal.

Because your family made her into one.

Serena, all you people do is lie to each other and fight about money, so what's the difference, really? You know, it was my own fault for sticking around today.

I was dumb enough to think that there might be some answers here for me.

At least now I know I was wrong.

Care to join me, for old times' sake? Oh, cut the crap, William.

You need to fix this.

Cece's wishes are Cece's wishes.

I don't care what she wanted.

Today was supposed to be my payday, and you know that.

I understand you're upset.

No, you don't understand a thing.

If you can't find a way to make this right, I'm gonna be forced to resort to other ways to get my money.

Like getting a real job? I've always hesitated going after Lola's father for child support he owes me, oh, almost 20 years.

Good luck with that.

Do you even know who he is? I'm looking right at him.

Sorry I never told you, but not as sorry as you're gonna be when Lily finds out what we were doing while you were married, unless, of course, you have another idea? This just is my lucky day.

Spotted--Dr.

Van Der Woodsen white as a sheet.

Looks like the rules of this Rhodes just changed before his very eyes.

How'd you get past the doorman? Wait.

I don't even wanna know.

Look, I know no one believes a word I say, but I really didn't mean to hurt you.

You were just collateral damage.

Well, if it had been anyone else but me, I might believe you, but we both know you've always wanted to settle the score between us.

You have to understand.

When I decided to stop being Gossip Girl, I knew that anyone who knew or found out would have it out for me.

So I realized I'd better start collecting favors to use as protection down the line.

Running that picture of you kissing Dan was my golden ticket to use with Chuck down the road.

I'd love one from you, too.

Are you using again? Why would I ever make myself indebted to you? Because I have a way that your family doesn't have to pay the Grimaldis a thing, and you get your divorce in the process.

Even you can't pull that rabbit out of your hat.

I was Gossip Girl for two months.

You have no idea the dirt I have on people.

I've been so good for so long, it's time for me to be bad.

I can help you.

Let me solve all your problems.

Fine.

Anything to be done with this.

Do what you can, and if you succeed, then I'll enjoy whatever horror you concoct.

Believe me, I won't let you down, and you won't let me down, either, when I come back.

Charles.

Lily, I'm sorry for your loss.

Oh.

Tough day, as they say.

For you, too? Oh, no, I wouldn't dream of adding to your burden.

Oh, come on.

You never have.

It would be a good distraction.

What's wrong? Blair.

She walked away from me today, and not like she has done in the past.

It was different.

I feel like she's changing.

I know I didn't die in the car accident, but sometimes it feels like I did.

Don't say that.

You survived, and it was a miracle.

Yeah.

Thanks to Saint Waldorf.

You mean thanks to Saint Jack.

The doctors didn't tell you? Oh, it's all such a blur now.

Um When you were in surgery, there was a complication, and they needed a family member for a blood transfusion, and I gave the doctors Jack's number.

Jack? Yes.

You haven't lived until you've tried caramel mousse and chocolate.

Are you just gonna ply me with sweets until I cheer up? Because I think I'll probably go into sugar shock before that happens.

I am so sorry.

I mean, truly.

No, don't be.

You're about the only good thing in my life right now.

Sorry.

Hello? Lola.

It's William Van Der Woodsen.

Hey.

Sorry to bother you.

I just felt badly we weren't able to finish our conversation, so I asked Serena for your phone number.

Oh, no.

You know, today was a lot for everybody, so no apology necessary.

Well, I'm at the Empire if you need to reach me, okay? Okay.

Great.

Yeah.

I'll call you then, I guess.

Bye.

So after all that, you're really just giving up "Gossip Girl"? Well, with Chuck and Blair beholden to me, I'm more powerful than ever.

It's time to pass the "Gossip Girl" baton.

Let someone else see if they can outshine me, or at the very least, die trying.

Now be a doll and send this for me.

My flight to Monaco is in two hours, and be very careful with this.

There's stuff on this laptop that'll blow people's minds.

Bring back pictures.

Don't you worry.

Bye.

Finally, some peace and quiet.

I'm sorry.

Am I interrupting something? Yes, you are.

It's been a long day for everyone.

I think it'd be best if you left.

I was just gonna say the same thing But to the two of you.

What are you talking about? This is my apartment now.

That's ridiculous.

You think we're just gonna let you live here.

This all just needs to get sorted out.

Naturally.

But you'll have to do it from someplace else.

Oh, and where are we supposed to go? It's not like we have another apartment in the city.

It's-- Yes, we do, Lil.

Oh.

Come on.

I'll just get my things.

Oh, Ms.

Serena.

I tidy up later.

No, it's okay.

It was beautiful wake for Ms.

Cece.

Good-byes never easy.

Yeah, I know, but that's all I seem to say these days-- to my grandma, to jobs, to boys, to everything.

I'm just sick of good-byes.

Something new arrive soon.

It always does.

I hope so.

I'm ready for it, whatever it is.

Attention, Upper East Siders.

After everything that happened today, I've decided I need a little break to catch my breath.

I'm sure you do, too.

But don't worry.

I'll be back.

I always am.

[bunniefuu]

(OG version)


WOMAN:
Where has she been?

GOSSIP GIRL:
And who am I?

That's one secret I'll never tell.

You know you love me. XOXO...

...Gossip Girl.

GOSSIP GIRL: They say we should
carry our secrets to the grave.

But on the Upper East Side, secrets
are the one thing you can never bury.

Even when we think we know everything
about the ones we love...

...there's always a skeleton
in their walk-in closet.

Thank you for seeing me
on such short notice.

Mrs. Humphrey, in my business,
there's rarely advance warning.

Oh, of course.

I wanted to make sure all of Mother's
funeral arrangements were perfect.

She was very particular,
liked things a certain way.

Um, would it be possible
for us to work with our own florist?

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you knew.

Your mother provided
very detailed instructions.

In fact, if you return home
right about now...

...I think you'll discover
the wake is already underway.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I can hear my mother laughing
from beyond the grave.

I'm sure she just didn't want to bother
you with making all the arrangements.

-Or she just didn't trust your taste level.
-Ugh.

-I'm the other daughter, Carol.
-Crashing as usual.

Since you're here
you might wanna know...

...that it seems Mother
took care of everything in advance.

I'd tell you to invite your daughter,
the real one, not the fake one...

...but she's not speaking to you.

Well, if you'll excuse me,
I apparently have a wake to host.

Aren't you gonna be late for work?

Or are you pulling a Vanilla Sky...

...and hiding your hideous disfigurement
from your global publishing empire?

I thought
you found my lacrosse injury sexy.

-No?
-Heh.

Besides I figured we could
spend the day together and catch up.

Uh-oh. No, no, don't give me that
"let's talk about our feelings" face.

-What, this is normal face, okay?
-Heh.

No, I'm worried about you.

In the past 72 hours, you found out
that you have this entire secret family.

Yeah, and my mom hired an actress
I know to play me.

I'm aware.

Then why haven't you said a word
about it?

I may not have known about
the van der Woodsens...

...they sure knew about me.
They didn't care.

That tells me
everything I need to know...

...about your fancy friends
from the Upper East Side.

[CHUCKLES]

Buy a girl some breakfast?

[PHONE RINGING]

All right. Two minutes.
Get dressed. I'll make coffee.

Hey, how are you holding up?

Ugh, well, the past few days have been
tough on everyone, but are you with Lola?

She hasn't been answering
any of my calls or texts.

Uh, yeah, she's not really that interested
in being a Rhodes right now.

Trust me, I know what it's like
to want distance from your family.

I thought maybe with CeCe's death
she'd make an exception.

Well, I'm not so sure.

The entire van der Woodsen clan on
a good day can be pretty overwhelming.

Well, I have an idea, maybe she can just
dip her toes in the water with just me.

I'm at my mom's. No one's here, they'll
be at the funeral home for a while.

-Maybe the three of us can meet up?
-I'll ask. I can't promise anything.

Thank you, Nate.

Coffee. Top drawer.

It relaxes me to watch Anita dust.

Heh, I did not need to know that.

What's got you in such a good mood?

I recently found out...

...who actually sent Gossip Girl the
video of me and Blair at the wedding.

-That hump, Humphrey.
-What, Dan?

He was happy to let Serena
and me take the fall...

...so he could worm his way
into Blair's broken heart.

Unfortunately for him,
once she finds out the truth...

...his chances with her will be destroyed
and she will be mine again.

Are you sure you want to start
World w*r Waldorf right now?

-Why wouldn't I?
-You and I know...

...nothing can actually happen
between Dan and Blair for at least a year.

So a lot can change in 12 months.
Take the high road?

Grab your coat. I'm kidnapping you, taking
you to a bona fide Humphrey brunch.

Psst!

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

So for those of us who took Italian,
what was that all about?

[IN ENGLISH] That was Cyrus
and another attorney at his firm.

They think they may have found
a loophole in my prenup.

-Are you serious?
-Yes.

Apparently, since we signed it in
Monaco, but got married in the U.S.

-You can contest it.
-We can try.

Cyrus thinks the Grimaldis may have to
grant me an amicable annulment.

Meaning that they'd waive my dowry--

You wouldn't have to wait the year
for....

Anything.

When will Cyrus know for sure?

He's supposed to talk to the Grimaldis'
attorney in an hour.

So rain check on that waffle?

I should wait here.
Hopefully for the last time.

No. Delete. Delete.

Ew!

What are you doing?

-Trying to help.
-Ugh.

No, you're not. If you were...

...you wouldn't let me sl*ve in front
of this computer all day as Gossip Girl.

You said knowing everyone's secrets as
Gossip Girl was your dream come true.

It was.
Until I realized how much work it is.

I mean, Look at me.
I'm exhausted and aggravated.

I have no social life to speak of.

I feel like a stay-at-home mom.

Oh, honey, don't say that.

It's true. All my life I've been the one
they write stories about.

Now I'm another anonymous shut-in
with an online shopping addiction.

Tell me, what can I do?

Well, since you asked,
Georgina Sparks needs a recharge.

I've decided to take
a mental health day.

And I found the perfect event to crash.
CeCe Rhodes' secret wake.

What about Gossip Girl?
The site can't go down all day.

It won't.

That's why I'm leaving you in charge.

Don't worry, it's not rocket science.

You just take the tips that people send
in and post them if they're worthy.

Are you sure
this is such a good idea?

Oh. What's a van der Woodsen family event
if I'm not there to ruin it?

Besides, I already promised a new friend
I'd be her plus one.

Thank you for coming with me.

I know I was invited, but, uh, I don't think
I could face them all alone.

I understand.
When everybody at a party hates you...

...who better to bring
than someone they hate even more?

What are you doing? I thought
there was a family breakfast.

Oh, there's a lot more than that upstairs.

I came down to warn my mom.
You'll see for yourself.

-Is Blair's houseboy up there?
-You mean Dan?

That why you came by, to get intel
on him and Blair? t*rture him a little?

Maybe just a little.

Well, he's not here, at least not yet.

But, um, here's some intel for you.

Blair texted me Cyrus may've
found a loophole in her prenup.

So she may be released sooner
than any of us thought.

And right into Dan's waiting arms.
If you'll excuse me....

LOLA:
What you wanna do for breakfast?

I was thinking Untitled at The Whitney?

-Danny Meyer's new place?
-Heh.

You're trying to score a cool point,
aren't you?

-And since we'll be on Madison anyway--
-Uh-oh. Here it comes.

Well, we'll be walking right by
Serena's mom's.

Which Serena will be at by herself.

What part of wanting nothing to do
with the van der Woodsens...

...don't you understand?

I know how you feel about them...

...but not everything
from the Upper East Side is bad.

-Okay, name one thing that isn't.
-Me.

-Come on. Serena's one of my best friends.
-Heh.

Okay, you haven't even given her
one shot. What's the harm?

All right, but if we stop by,
you have to promise me...

...you're never gonna play me
like this again.

I promise.

Mom, you know Grandma always
did like to do things her own way.

I know. I'm just not entirely sure
I'm in the mood...

...for the Mayflower mausoleum in
Mother's honor that awaits us upstairs.

[BAND PLAYING
"WHEN IRISH EYES ARE SMILING"]

Oh, my God.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

This was all here when I got home.

There's whiskey, stew.

And Mother.

And those are our mourners' chairs.
Where we will sit and mourn.

Because this is an Irish wake.

GOSSIP GIRL:
Seems like this wake...

...might end up being the wake-up call
you so desperately need.

Copy.

Paste.

Post.

Oh, no.

Uh....

Ooh, heh.

Oh, crap.

I just can't believe
that this was Mother's idea.

And who are these people?
I don't recognize a soul.

I guess CeCe wanted us to celebrate
her life, not mourn her death.

So she didn't invite any
stodgy socialites. Just the....

The help.

That was her butcher
from East Hampton. And her driver.

The fireman that saved her life
the night she left that candle burning.

Hi.

You. What are you doing here?

I was invited, by your mother herself.

I promised her I'd come.

I just came to pay my respects.
I won't bother anybody.

This is all Carol's fault.

I'm sure she's hiding here somewhere.

You can't let Carol get to you like this.

The executor of the estate is supposed
to be coming, whoever that is.

My money's on Elias the gardener.

I'm sure everything'll be explained
once they read the will.

Whoever it is,
they better get here soon.

Because I'm not responsible
for what I might do.

[GROANS]

So Serena's here alone, huh?

I swear I had no idea
what we were walking into.

Still, this is an epic fail.

Let's just go.
Before someone sees us.

CAROL:
Lola.

May I have a word?

[NATE SIGHS]

Of course this is happening.
What is it, Mother?

Do you mind telling me
what you're doing here?

Yeah, well, let's see. Um, this morning
while I was in the shower at Nate's...

...Serena, the cousin
I just found out about...

...tricked me to come to the wake
of the grandmother I never knew...

...at the house of family
you hid from me my entire life.

-Does that sum it up for you?
-I know you blame me.

But I only lied to you because
we're not safe around these people.

-They're materialistic monsters.
-Oh. Says the woman...

-...who looted her daughter's trust fund.
-That was for you.

You cannot believe a word
these people say.

The only person here
who's ever lied to me is you.

SERENA:
Hey.

I know this place is crazy,
but I'm really glad you came.

-I was just about to call you.
-I know, I screwed up.

Yes, you did. Who knows if anyone
will send in another tip ever.

Lucky for you,
I'm in the eye of the hurricane...

...so I can watch your mess play out.

And if this is my last day as Gossip Girl
thanks to you, I'm going out with a bang.

Dan, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Hey Dennis.

Georgina, I'd ask what you're doing here,
if I cared. Which I don't. So....

I was wondering if you had the
chance to check Gossip Girl recently?

No. Why?

I promised I'd never publicly reveal that
video secret, but I left Philip in charge.

So lesson's learned. Okay, bye.

DAN:
Oh. "GG, it's time you told everyone...

...Dan Humphrey sent in that video
on Blair's wedding day."

Philip is rich, not bright.
I'm sorry. But keep reading.

Oh my God, this was sent in by--

How dare you?

Of all your many,
many attempts at sabotage...

...this is by far the most pathetic.

Are you worried
I'll find happiness without you.

You need to spread baseless lies at the
wake of my best friend's grandmother?

While you may be correct about my
motives, the blast is anything but a lie.

Serena and I didn't send in the video.
It certainly wasn't Louis. So who's left?

I'm not playing this game.

Why don't you tell that to your
boyfriend. Or better, ask him the truth.

-Blair, please wait.
-I have nothing to say to you.

-I am so sorry I lied.
-You didn't just lie.

You let me blame my friend
and ex for something they didn't do.

You embarrassed me in front of


You made me the target of tabloids
and TSA agents.

You helped lock the bars of my gilded
cage. Forgetting anything?

Should've told you the truth right away.
I never meant to hurt you.

What reason could you have
to send that video?

I spent every day listening to you
say you had to marry Louis...

...though you didn't love him.
I couldn't stand to see you unhappy.

I thought it would stop the wedding.
I never thought you'd leave it with me.

And us fighting like this
is exactly what that Bassface wanted.

Cyrus thinks everything
will work out with the annulment....

What can I do? Anything?
Say the word and I'll--

Just shut up, Humphrey.

I forgive you. For now.

Estee? Ugh. Did you follow me?
I thought we weren't meeting till 4.

Yes, after Cyrus tried to trick the royal
attorney into voiding your prenup.

I know everything.

Uh, follow me.

Looks like Blair's annulment
just got annulled. Shame.

You were so close, too.

Let me assure you
your stepfather's plan will never work.

You slimy little limey.

I don't respond to threats, neither
does Cyrus Rose. He fought in Nam.

You didn't let me finish.
His plan might not work, but mine can.

-We can help each other, you and I.
-Go on.

You don't want Louis, that's clear.
But I do.

The prince and I, we are very close.

We grew up together.
My station prevented me...

...from being a suitable choice for
Her Serene Highness.

-Until I came along.
-Precisely.

You're a public relations disaster.

Next to your Sarah Ferguson dive,
I'm Kate bloody Middleton.

You think the Grimaldis...

...will welcome Louis' loving social
secretary as replacement?

I know Louis would.

-Sorry.
-No, no, it's fine.

Oddly enough,
I just want him to be happy.

Then this is worth a shot, isn't it?
You have nothing to lose.

Make the call.

That's the tour. Thank you for coming.

Or letting me trick you into
coming by.

I assure you Nate had no idea.

Well, actually he said we were going
to a museum, so he wasn't that far off.

I know what your mom thinks about us.

-All we care about is money.
-Things it can buy.

That couldn't be further from the truth.
Family's most important.

To prove that, I have two people
who're gonna be excited to see you.

CAROL: You told me Mother sold Limoges.
-Mom.

And don't think I didn't notice
her Georg Jensen service here, either.

Tell Laryssa to count the silver
right away.

[CHUCKLES]

I appreciate everything you're trying.

But I'm just not a part of this world...

...and I don't really think I want to be
either.

Just tell Nate I had to go.

Oh, Lola.

-I wasn't expecting to see you here.
-Why?

Even if I don't wanna be here,
I have more of a reason than you do.

This sounds ridiculous,
but the van der Woodsens...

...are the closest thing I have
to an actual family.

-Even though they hate me.
-I have the opposite problem.

Maybe my mother really was
protecting me.

By stealing all your money?

Ladies. On the Upper East Side,
money is never the real story.

It's the X that marks the spot
for what's buried beneath it.

-If I were you two, I'd start digging.
-What do you mean?

I know it's hard for you,
but stop and think.

Doesn't explain
why you hide your daughter for 18 years.

Unless she was being paid. Judging by
her clothes and hair, I'd say that isn't so.

You think there's something else
going on? How do I find out?

Nobody here's going to tell you.

You have to find someone
from the outside.

Somebody who isn't afraid of them.

Somebody like....

Dad.

GOSSIP GIRL:
Looks like there's a doctor in the house...

...who's about to get a taste
of his own medicine.

I'm happy you're here. It would've
meant so much to Grandma.

I wouldn't miss this for the world.

I'm sorry Eric couldn't make it
back from Zaire.

I think they call that
the Democratic Republic of Congo now.

They do. But, trust me, it's not, heh.

Charlie, good to see you again.

Oh, you're a little late to the party, doctor.
That isn't your niece. But this is.

Sorry?

What are you even doing here?
Come on. Let's go say hi.

Daddy V D Dubs has known
the Rhodes sisters since high school.

I bet he has a secret or two he'd
be willing to share. If you ask nicely.

Hey. Serena said you left.
But here you are. Ivy.

Hi, Nate.

NATE:
Don't know why you're here.

You should leave.
Lola and I were walking--

I'm gonna stay. And so is she.

We're gonna get to the bottom of why
my mom kept me away all these years.

So, um, if you don't mind....

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

-Well?
-[IN ENGLISH] He agreed.

I need to be on the next plane back.
I'm to be amongst the court...

...when the prince breaks the news...

...how it became clear you were after
his title.

But I--

-Okay, okay, what else?
-Then the royal family's publicist...

...will start to build me up,
the woman who's watched from the wings.

Okay, enough about you,
more about me.

Her Highness and the prince
are willing to annul the marriage...

...if you agree to a gag order
on matters regarding the dissolution.

They can be the ones to speak about it.
You understand what that means?

I'll do whatever as long
as it gets me out of this marriage.

A press blackout's a small price
to get my life back.

That includes no more blind items on
Page Six or posts on Gossip Girl.

Princess Sophie was clear, if you don't
adhere, they'll make you pay.

Do whatever you want in your private
life, just keep it private.

-Good luck.
-I'm glad we can both get what we want.

Please assure the royals that they
won't hear a peep from me.

Beer me.

Perhaps you'd prefer something
a little stronger? Green.

What are you so relaxed about?

Gossip Girl's hiccup makes you
look even worse in Blair's eyes.

Maybe today.

But at least she knows Dan isn't
the good guy he pretends to be.

In time, that will sink in.

She's not getting out of this
royal mess any time soon.

Oh, but she just did.

That royal minder lady
brokered the deal herself.

Although the hint of a new scandal...

...could probably derail it
if you act fast.

Blair will come to her senses.

What if she doesn't?

What if you spend your days
wondering...

...why you didn't stop her
falling into the arms...

...of that pretentious poser?

Anyhoo, something to think about.

What do you have in mind?

[SCOFFS]

Remember when I showed you this?

How can I trust Gossip Girl wouldn't
leave my fingerprints on another blast?

You can't. Which is why
we use her screw-up...

...to our advantage
and leave somebody else's instead.

Oh, look, Dan's phone.

It must have fallen out of
his coat, into my purse.

Sorry, Carol, but I'm going to have
to ask you to let me search your bag.

-Laryssa saw you pocket--
-Lily, this is beneath even you.

I see some things never change.

A maid accusing
my ex-sister-in-law of stealing.

William, what a lovely surprise.

Doesn't Dad look great?

-How are you, Carol?
-Under surveillance.

Lily has been shadowing me
all afternoon.

I knew you'd try to steal something.

You see what I have to deal with?
My own mother lies right here.

Enough. I want you out
of my apartment this minute.

-Technically, it's CeCe's apartment.
SERENA: What are you talking about?

This is our home.

Only because your mother
bought it for us. Remember?

-For tax purposes, of course.
-Ugh.

But now it's part of the estate.

William, thank you again for coming.

I'd appreciate it
if you'd leave Mother's affairs...

...to the executor of her estate.

That's exactly what I'm doing.
I am her executor.

And I brought her will.

Ladies, I know this
must come as a shock...

...but your mother and I had a long
and enduring friendship.

It's just of all the people
for CeCe to pick...

...I find it curious
she chooses the father...

-...of Lily's children.
-Couldn't ask father of yours.

There aren't enough DNA tests
in Dade County to find him.

I'll let you two blow off some steam.
If you'll excuse me.

[LILY CLEARS THROAT]

Hi, again. I'm Lola, Carol's daughter.
The real one.

What can I do for you?

Well, I recently found out
I'm a part of this family...

...and I was wondering
why I wasn't allowed to know.

I thought, you've known my mom
longer than anyone aside from Lily, so--

CAROL: Excuse me.
-Mom, do you mind?

Yes, actually, I do.

You'll let me know when you need me,
won't you, William?

Ms. Blair, I'm so sorry.

Ms. Estee Jedi mind trick me
into telling her you at wake.

Too many secrets,
I feel like Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.

It's fine. I'm glad Estee found me.

Everything is going to
work out perfectly.

That's not what Cyrus say.

He's trying to call you.
Why you no answer phone?

I put it on silent. I'm at a wake.

Tell Cyrus he doesn't need to worry.
I took care of the annulment myself.

Then why Grimaldis just call him
and ask for all the money now?

They agreed to waive the dowry as long
as I completely stayed out of the press.

Maybe Princess Sophie
read Gossip Girl again then?

BLAIR:
"Please post ASAP. Dan."

[GASPS]

"I, Celia Catherine Rhodes...

...of Montecito, California,
being of sound mind and body...

...do hereby declare this to be
my last will and testament.

First, I leave my two
Andalusian thoroughbreds...

...Rickey and Reggie Rhodes,
to the Valley Ranch Stables.

Second, I leave my
Fabergé egg collection--"

Dad, wait a second, sorry, I just--
I don't want her here for this.

-Is she bothering you?
-She's a con artist, William.

And not a very good one.

Nevertheless, your mother
invited her to be here...

...so I would like everybody
to respect CeCe's wishes, okay?

-Please.
LILY: Ahem.

Now, if there are
no more interruptions....

I think you dropped something.

Where did you...?

Are you insane? Blair's going to think
I sent that picture to Gossip Girl.

-Duh. That was the point.
-We had a deal.

You promised to protect me if I didn't
tell anyone you were Gossip Girl.

Mm-hm. I sold you out, so start talking.

Look, I had fun being Gossip Girl,
but I'm over it.

I'm glad the final blast
was my masterpiece.

-I'm sorry if it ruins your life.
-Not just mine. It's Blair's, the Waldorfs.

Oh, I know. What a mess.

It's like I just took down
the entire Upper East Side, heh.

Oh, here comes the bulls-eye.

You Brooklyn Benedict Arnold.
I can't believe you.

It was Georgina. She's Gossip Girl.

You will really say anything,
won't you?

Oh, no, that part's true.

Well, half true. I hacked into
GG's site a few months ago.

She skipped town
and none of you noticed.

And honestly, guys,
the experience has been wonderful...

-...but it's just as well it's over--
-The important part. I didn't do this.

How does it feel to lose the person
you love for something you didn't do?

Estee, please, there must be a way to
still salvage our deal with the Grimaldis.

There might be.
If there ever was a deal.

I'm sorry?

Oh, the deal thing? Estee made it all up.
With my help, of course.

I knew Chuck would do something
foolish.

Even I didn't think
it would happen this fast.

Anyway, I must get back to Monaco.
I have a prince to console.

-Cheers.
GEORGINA: Hmm.

Standing ovation? Why, thank you.

Oh, my God. I was just b*tch-slapped
by Bridget Jones.

-You don't you realize what you've done.
-Yes, I do.

I've brought to light
the real villain and it's not me.

You bankrupted the Waldorf family.
That's what this dowry is going to do.

It was that much?

No. You left me no choice.

One thing to lose her because
she didn't want to be with me.

But I only lost her
because of something you did.

Were you really my friend?
Or was it an act...

...so you could keep me in check
till you got what you wanted?

That's not how any of it happened.

You framed me.

And in my book, that makes you
the bad guy, not me.

-What's going on?
-Ever since the accident...

...Dan has been trying
to keep us apart...

...so he could have you all to himself.

Be honest, for once in your life.
Tell her the truth. She deserves that.

He's absolutely right.

I'm sorry.

[SIGHS]

"Eleven, I leave my collection
of early British watercolors...

...to my youngest daughter, Lily."

I'm sensing a pattern here.

Oh, Carol, I'm surprised
it took you this long...

...to realize what Mother
really thought of you.

-No, she knew that she was a spoiled--
-Excuse me, Lily.

I'm not the one who married
five times.

WILLIAM: Ladies.
-Most of which was for money.

I didn't try to embezzle
my own daughter's trust fund...

...to go shopping at Lululemon.

The truth is the only reason
Mother left you those trinkets...

...is because you pretended to love her
and she pretended to love you.

-At least we had an honest relationship.
-William, I can't hear a thing.

--I leave to you.

You mean Charlotte Rhodes,
my daughter.

This is not the real
Charlie Rhodes. Lola is.

No, I'm afraid not, Carol.

It says-- It says so right here:
Ivy Dickens.

-You're never gonna get away with this.
-Call the police.

Please, wait.
Look, I never asked CeCe for anything.

No, you poisoned her against her family,
manipulated her to give you everything.

That's not true.

Your grandmother just wanted
someone to talk to.

You don't think we can
see through all your lies?

You were a terrible actress when
we first met, and you still are.

-Mom.
IVY: I swear on my life.

All I ever did was take care of her.

I even tried to tell you she was sick--

-Oh.
-Oh. But conveniently failed.

Look, will you please shut up?
Forget about the money.

That's easy for you to say,
you still have your trusts.

Mine was liquidated years ago.

How do we know Ivy
didn't try to hasten our mother's death?

Are you people crazy?

Look, I loved her.

That's my cue.
I think I've heard enough.

This--

You can think whatever
you want about me...

...but I never lied to CeCe.

Prove it.

Well, didn't you hear the will?

She didn't call me Charlie Rhodes.
She called me Ivy Dickens.

Your mother knew all of my secrets,
and she knew all of yours too.

Maybe that's why
she left me everything.

Ever since the accident,
I've blamed myself, blamed Louis.

-It was Humphrey behind it.
-Not that simple.

Yes, it is. And now that we know
the truth, there is nothing in our way.

Humphrey's not the reason
we're not together.

-Neither is the dowry.
-This is about saving my life?

We're past that. You said you wanted
to wait until your marriage was over.

-Now it's over.
-Chuck, I don't blame you.

And as crazy as this all has gotten,
I know why you did everything.

-Because I love you.
-And I love you.

I always will.

But that doesn't mean I'm in love
with you.

At least not right now I'm not.

The way you need me to be,
not the way you deserve.

I'm sorry.

I have to go.

Hey. Look, I know how
that must have seemed up there...

...but Ivy Dickens is a thief. She already
stole your identity and your money.

Now she's about to rob the rest of us.
Your family needs you right now.

You're not my family.

And honestly, after listening to
everybody upstairs, I feel sorry for Ivy.

-She's a criminal.
-Because your family made her into one.

Serena, all you people do is lie and fight
about money, so, what's the difference?

[STAMMERS THEN SCOFFS]

It was my own fault
for sticking around today.

I was dumb enough to think that there
might be some answers here for me.

At least now I know I was wrong.

Care to join me? For old times' sake?

Oh, cut the crap, William.

You need to fix this.

CeCe's wishes are CeCe's wishes.

I don't care what she wanted.

Today was supposed to be
my payday and you know that.

I understand you're upset.

No, you don't understand a thing.

If you can't find a way
to make this right...

...I'm going to be forced to resort
to other ways to get my money.

Like getting a real job?

I've always hesitated going after
Lola's father for child support.

He owes me, oh, almost 20 years.

Good luck with that.

Do you even know who he is?

I'm looking right at him.

Sorry I never told you. But not as sorry
as you're gonna be when Lily finds out...

...what we did while you were married.

Unless, of course,
you have another idea?

This just is my lucky day.

GOSSIP GIRL: Spotted:
Dr. van der Woodsen white as a sheet.

Looks like the rules of this Rhodes
just changed before his very eyes.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

How'd you get past the doorman?
Wait, I don't even want to know.

Ugh, look, I know no one believes a word
I say, but I really didn't mean to hurt you.

You were just collateral damage.

If it had been anyone but me,
I'd believe you.

We both know you've wanted
to settle the score between us.

You have to understand. When I decided
to stop being Gossip Girl...

...I knew anyone who knew or
found out would have it out for me.

So I realized I'd better start collecting
favors to use as protection.

Running that picture of you
kissing Dan was my golden ticket...

...to use with Chuck down the road.

I'd love one from you too.

Are you using again?

Heh, why would I ever make myself
indebted to you?

Because I have a way that your family
won't have to pay the Grimaldis a thing.

And you get your divorce
in the process.

Even you can't pull
that rabbit out of your hat.

[CHUCKLES]

I was Gossip Girl for two months.

You have no idea the dirt I have
on people.

I've been so good for so long.
It's time for me to be bad.

I can help you.
Let me solve all your problems.

Fine. Anything to be done with this.

Do what you can. And if you succeed,
I'll endure whatever horror you concoct.

Believe me, I won't let you down.

And you won't let me down either,
when I come back.

Charles.

Lily, I'm sorry for your loss.

Oh, uh....

Tough day as they say.

-For you too?
-Oh, no.

I wouldn't dream
of adding to your burden.

Oh, come on, you never have.

It would be a good distraction.
What's wrong?

Blair.

She walked away from me today.

And not like she has done in the past.

It was different.

I feel like she's changing.

I know I didn't die in the car accident,
but it feels like I did.

Don't say that.
You survived and it was a miracle.

Yeah. Thanks to Saint Waldorf.

You mean thanks to Saint Jack.

The doctors didn't tell you?

Oh, it's all such a blur now. Um....

When you were in surgery
there was a complication...

...and they needed a family member
for a blood transfusion.

And I gave the doctors Jack's number.

Jack?

Yes.

You haven't lived until you've tried
caramel mousse and chocolate, heh.

Are you plying me
with sweets until I cheer up?

Because I think I'll go into
sugar shock before that happens.

-I am so sorry. Truly.
-No. Don't be.

You're about the only good thing
in my life right now.

[PHONE RINGING]

Sorry.

-Hello?
-Lola, it's William van der Woodsen.

-Hey.
-I'm sorry to bother you.

I felt badly we weren't able
to finish our conversation...

...so I asked Serena
for your number.

Oh, no, you know, today was a lot.
For everybody.

So no apology necessary.

I'm at The Empire
if you need to reach me.

Okay, great, yeah.
I'll call you then, I guess.

Bye.

So after all that, you're really
just giving up Gossip Girl?

Well, with Chuck and Blair beholden
to me, I'm more powerful than ever.

Time to pass the Gossip Girl baton.

Let someone else see if they can
outshine me or die trying.

Now be a doll and send this for me.

My flight to Monaco is in two hours.

And be very careful with this.

There's stuff on this laptop
that'll blow people's minds.

Bring back pictures?

Don't you worry.

Bye.

Oh, finally, some peace and quiet.

I'm sorry.

Am I interrupting something?

-Yes. You are.
-Ugh.

It's been a long day.
It'd be best if you left.

I was just going to say the same thing.

But to the two of you.

What are you talking about?

[SIGHS]

This is my apartment now.

That's ridiculous. You think
we're just going to let you live here?

[LILY CHUCKLES]

This all just needs to get sorted out.

Naturally.

But you'll have to do it
from someplace else.

Oh, and where are we
supposed to go?

-It's not like we have another apartment.
-Yes, we do, Lil.

-Oh, ugh.
-Come on.

I'll just get my things.

Oh, Ms. Serena, I tidy up later.

No, it's okay.

It was beautiful wake for Ms. CeCe.

Goodbyes never easy.

Yeah, I know.
But it's all I seem to say these days.

To my grandma, to jobs,
to boys, to everything.

I'm just sick of goodbyes.

Something new arrive soon.

-It always does.
-Heh.

I hope so.

I'm ready for it, whatever it is.

GOSSIP GIRL: Attention, Upper East Siders,
after everything that happened today...

...I've decided I need a little break
to catch my breath.

I'm sure you do too.

But don't worry.
I'll be back. I always am.

[DOOR OPENS]

Well, if you came here to tell me
what a horrible person I am...

...then you're too late. I already know.

That's not why I came.

You got back together with Chuck?

No.

[SIGHS]

Are you moving to a desert island
where there are no men at all...

...and you'll be living the
rest of your life in peaceful solitude?

No.

I told Chuck he doesn't
have my heart anymore.

I realized it belonged
to someone else.

Uh, so, Dan, are you going
to invite me in or what?

-What?
-You just said my name.

-Dan?
-Yeah. You just said it again.

Heh, Dan.

-Say it again.
-Heh, Dan--

Dan.

[MOANS]

GOSSIP GIRL: And when I return,
I bet it'll be a whole new world.

XOXO, Gossip Girl.