5x21 - Despicable B

[bunniefuu]

Gossip Girl here.

Your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite.

Don't you think it's time you head home? I am home.

No, I mean your other home, the one with your wife in it.

As for the rest of my estate, I leave to you, Ivy Dickens.

You are never gonna get away with this.

You don't have a case.

I didn't do anything wrong.

The court will decide that.

Our relationship isn't about choosing one world or another.

Our relationship is our world.

We're a team.

Serena's Gossip Girl.

I'm gonna prove it to you.

You saved Chuck's life, and you did that because I'm Chuck's mother.

You're actually her.

You're Gossip Girl.

Please, whatever you do, just don't tell anyone.

It's one thing to accuse Serena of being Gossip Girl.

But sending in that video about Chuck? I can't forgive that.

I've always hesitated going after Lola's father for child support.

Do you even know who he is? I'm looking right at him.

What if my dad doesn't even know I exist? What if all he'd want is to know me? I'm sure he does.

And who am I? That's a secret I'll never tell.

You know you love me.

X.

O.

X.

O.

, Gossip Girl.

In our modern age, there are so many ways for information to travel.

And yet, with all our tablets and smartphones, there are still some people who like to get their morning dish the old-fashioned way.

Even without the information highway, good news always seems to travel fast.

But bad news? Well, you know what they say You know, I must commend myself on my choice of wardrobe for you today.

You are striking just the right tone of literate and serious yet playful and accessible.

I'm just meeting a couple of Simon & Schuster publicists.

It's really not a big deal.

Not a big deal? What could be more important than strategizing ways to publicize yourself? I don't know.

Maybe the banking crisis or-- or what's going on in Syria or-- Dan, we know you're never gonna be trending on Twitter if you choose those topics to discuss.

Now just be humble, self-deprecating, with a tinge of intellectual superiority.

And always leave them wanting more.

Have a great day! Dorota! Run me a hot bath.

I want a long soak in the tub and catch up on my reading.

I have better idea.

How about you take quick shower, then supervise me as I clean out your closet? You need more space, and I-I-I need to work off baby weight bad.

Did you see the look on Ivy's face when mother's nurse accused her of "taking unfair advantage of the weak and elderly"? Well, thank God that woman came forward and said what actually happened.

I knew right then that the judge would invalidate the will.

Tell me, Lily.

How much exactly did you pay that nurse to lie for you? 'Cause I have done nothing but love and care for Cece.

It's not my mom's fault that the truth finally came out.

So why don't you leave us alone before we head into one of these offices and file a restraining order against you? Hey, mom.

Where was Rufus this morning? I was kinda surprised he wasn't here to support you.

Well, Rufus had an appointment, and I just told him not to cancel because as long as you were by my side, I'd be fine.

So what happens now? The money just reverts back to you? Well, now that the will has been revoked, the estate will be split And she's flying in tonight to sign the paperwork.

There'll be gloating, no doubt.

Well, believe me, it's a small price to pay to be done with this whole thing.

And thank God nobody knew how dirty it really got.

Here she comes! Lily! Lily! Is the family still fighting with each other over your mother's inheritance? How's it feel going from high-class to high-trash? Well, I assure you, this is all one big misunderstanding.

The entire Rhodes clan couldn't be happier.

Any truth to the rumors that you and your husband are no longer living together? No.

None at all.

Serena, shall we? Wait, just one more question.

I think you dialed the wrong number.

Obviously, you meant to call your son and not me.

I know the news of me being Chuck's mother must have come as rather a big surprise to you.

Ya think? But it doesn't have to ruin anything between us.

Except for the small fact that every time I look at you now, I see a Bass in my face.

You know I still have feelings for you.

And now that you've broken up with that girl Lola, I think you might still have feelings for me, too.

Am I wrong? I should really go.

I'm gonna be out of the office all day.

But Can we meet after work tonight and at least talk it through? I don't know.

I never really saw myself as a "sleep with your best friend's mother" kind of a guy.

Just think about it, okay? All right.

Is it true what the paparazzi said about you and Rufus? Are you really not living together? Well, we're taking a little hiatus to clear our heads, yes.

Why didn't you tell me? Well, because I didn't want to worry you.

Rufus is in Brooklyn.

He's fine.

And, you know, he'll come around like he always does.

My bigger concern is the public perception of this whole mess that Ivy caused.

'Cause let me tell you something, Serena, nothing ruins a family reputation faster than a money fight.

You should be focusing on fixing things with Rufus.

I know! We'll have a big family dinner here tonight, to celebrate our victory in court.

And I'll invite a reporter from the New York social diary to dispel all the rumors of family strife.

You think the way to handle this is by inviting the media into our home? I'll find a way to get Rufus here.

You bring Lola.

We're not exactly in a good place right now.

Well, get in one.

Once they see us all together, these vicious rumors will evaporate before they began.

Nathaniel, are my ears playing tricks on me or did I hear you on the phone with a young lady earlier? No, not exactly.

Um You mother called to talk to me.

Well, I'm not sure which one of us this is more awkward for.

Neither am I.

Between my history with Diana and now yours, it's just too weird to even be in business with her.

I would love to find some funding and possibly buy her out for good.

You interested? Unfortunately, I'm still trying to decide what kind of relationship I want with her.

Which means I'm not ready to put her out of business just yet.

What you're saying is, since I already screwed her I don't need to also.

Oh, by the way, I hope you don't mind.

I called Andrew in to figure out where Diana's getting her money.

She needed my grandfather last time.

Someone must be bankrolling her now.

And when you find out who it is? I'll try and convince the investor to bet on me alone.

Do what you have to do, but I am respectfully staying out of it.

Andrew.

Mr.

Bass.

I did some digging.

I found out that Diana is getting her funding from an Australian holding company.

Were you able to find a name? Andrew, I need you to find out everything you can about Diana Payne.

I'll tell you, Dorota, for the first time in a long time, I feel as if all is right in the universe.

Not the Dior! Wait.

Why did you throw these away? I haven't read "New York" magazine yet.

It's too much clutter.

It clutter your brain.

You sure you want to read, miss Blair? There are some bad things about friends in there.

Don't you know me at all? I love reading bad things about my friends.

It's the only thing that makes me feel better about myself.

Dan made the approval matrix? In the highbrow/brilliant box? "Dan Humphrey writing a new book-- one that isn't a cheap sequel to 'Inside.

'" That's brilliant? I mean, I'm surprised he made the magazine at all, but He's highbrow and I'm lowbrow "for being married for less time than Kim Kardashian"? I was so wrong, Dorota.

All is not right in the universe.

The universe is totally upended, and we must right it immediately.

And how we plan to do that? I must become as highbrow as Dan this instant.

Hello, sweetie.

Hey, dad.

I-I think I need your help.

For you, anything.

What's going on? Word got out about all of our family drama over grandma's inheritance, and now mom wants to have a big dinner tonight and--and invite the press to try to fix it.

I don't know.

I just don't think that's the right way to handle it.

This is just your mother's process.

She needs to make sure everything looks good on the outside before she takes care of the inside.

Well, is there any way you can make it? You've been such a calming presence during all this craziness.

And Carol is gonna be there, which usually only adds to the conflict.

I wish I could, sweetie, but there's no way I can get into town on such short notice.

But don't worry.

I promise you, everything is gonna be just fine.

Okay.

Well, thank you anyway.

I love you, dad.

Love you, too, angel.

Bye.

I've always been a daddy's girl, but sometimes the problem with fathers Sorry about that.

Now where were we? I think you were about to tell me how you found out that you're my dad.

Is that they can be real sons of b*tches.

How am I supposed to be okay with this? My mom knowingly kept me from you all these years.

It may sound crazy, but I think in her own way, she was just trying to protect everyone.

Well, she still should've told me about it, and then it could've been up to you and me what kind of relationship we wanted to have.

I know in your mind you think we lost a lot of good years, but The truth is, I was a lousy dad to Serena and Eric.

I think I finally learned from my mistakes.

So instead of looking back and cursing your mother, how about we focus on what we can have moving forward? Now your mom told me not to tell anybody about us, but If you'd like everyone to know the truth, it's fine by me.

I think it would be best if we didn't tell the family just yet.

I won't say a word.

Okay.

Have you heard the good news? A judge invalidated my mother's will, so we can now finally put all this drama behind us.

Now where are the champagne flutes? Uh, Lil why are you here? Well, because we're having a celebratory dinner tonight at our place, just the family, and I want you to come.

I'm sorry you're upset with me, but I think it's time we put our petty fighting behind us and move on.

What do you say? I'd say that doesn't sound like a real apology.

Well, I'm not sure I'm the one who needs to apologize.

Oh, you think I am? For what? Taking Ivy's side, paying her way behind my back? She was basically homeless.

That's because the home she'd been living in was mine.

That's exactly right, Lil.

It was yours, not ours.

Do you see what we're doing here, all this fighting and finger pointing? I thought we were in this together, but you do whatever you feel like.

Well, I could say the same thing about you.

This isn't how a marriage is supposed to be.

Who's wrong? Who's right? It doesn't matter.

What matters is that we're in a partnership.

I couldn't agree more.

Then how about you give me a call when you're ready to be a partner again? Wow.

That must've been one quick jet you took to get you back to New York already.

Serena.

Hello.

Do you wanna explain why you lied to me or why you were hanging out with Lola? If you must know, I Bonded with my niece at Cece's wake.

She's been a bit lonely with all this stuff with her mother.

I'm just trying to be there for her.

But that still doesn't explain why you told me you weren't in town.

I'm sorry.

It's just, you invited me to a family dinner, and I heard rumors that Lily and Rufus are having problems.

As you know, my presence tends to be the opposite of helpful around the two of them.

I never should've lied to you.

I-I didn't know what else to say.

Well, if you wanna make it up to me, why don't you come to dinner tonight? Please? I'm not gonna take "no" for an answer, so just say "yes," dad.

For me? You convinced me.

Thank you.

You know, I'm--I'm gonna invite Lola, too.

I'll see you at mom's at 8:00, okay? Great.

Yeah, I appreciate that.

Thanks.

Were you able to reach Jack? No.

Apparently, he's taken a leave of absence from Bass Australia, and no one seems to know where he is.

Of course, they say that's rather normal for Jack.

Well, you have a visitor.

Want me to let her in? Yeah, sure.

Thanks, Amy.

Nate, hi.

Lola, hey.

I just recently gained insight into how painful it must've been for Chuck to find out that Diana was his mom.

And I'm just really sorry for the role I played in that.

Oh, yeah, well, thanks for that.

But why? What happened to you? My father finally came forward, and, um, I just spent the morning with him.

So I really needed someone to talk to.

Well, I'm glad you came to me.

Believe it or not, I went through the same thing with Chuck when he thought he found his mother a couple years ago.

Another woman besides Diana? Yeah, but it turned out none of it was true.

It was just all this big lie orchestrated by his, um Orchestrated by his Uncle Jack.

Hey, Lola, I'm--I'm really sorry, but I can talk more about this later.

I've just gotta deal with something right now.

Are you gonna be okay? Thanks.

Hey, Amy, would you give me Andrew Tyler? And if you can't reach him, see if you can find any information online about a woman named Elizabeth fisher.

So as I was cleaning out my closet this morning, I suddenly had a brilliant-- And highbrow.

Thank you, Dorota.

A brilliant and extremely highbrow idea.

Such a shame to have all these beautiful accessories that are hidden from the world the vast majority of the time.

So I decided to allow F.

I.

T.

To exhibit my shoe and handbag collection.

This is the purse I brought to prom, and, of course, that is the shoe that Louis brought back to me from Paris in the beginning of our storybook romance.

Which ended even more famously than it began, didn't it? Maybe if you were still a princess, I'd bite, but since you're no longer royalty She still royalty to me.

Down, Dorota.

It's okay.

Also, it's far too similar to an exhibit we already did with Daphne Guinness.

Perhaps another time.

Who was that guy? Some representative from F.

I.

T.

More like similar word, but spelled "s"-- It doesn't matter.

How was the meeting with your publicist? They just wanted to see me in person so they could tell me I'm one of the five people nominated for the New York Public Library's and there's a c*ck reception tonight where they're honoring the nominees.

I was wondering if, uh, if you would be my date.

Well, of course.

I can't wait to be there to honor you, my boyfriend, who's doing such highbrow, brilliant things.

In fact, I'm gonna buy a new dress since clearly nothing is worthwhile in my entire collection.

Okay, but it's a c*ck party.

You can keep it casual.

Despite what F.

I.

T.

Believes, I think I know how to dress myself for an evening out, thank you very much.

Hey! Have you seen Lola? I just saw on "Gossip Girl" that she was here.

Oh, you just missed her.

Oh.

I just left her a message inviting her to this family dinner tonight, but I really wanted to make up with her in person after our tiff last week.

Oh, I'm glad.

Lola could really use some friends right about now.

She's just going through some things, you know? Unrelated to you, but Really? Everything okay? She just met her father for the first time today.

She spent the morning with him.

I think the whole experience just kind of threw her for a loop, you know? She spent the morning with her father? Yeah.

Nate, no word from Andrew yet, but I think I found that phone number your were asking for.

Ah.

Thanks, Amy.

Listen, Serena, I really need to go deal with this.

Excuse me.

Lily may have wanted the perfect nuclear family, but this b*mb is going to start a w*r.

How's this for tonight's speech? "I learned many things writing this book.

"Number one-- don't exploit your friends.

"Number two--if you are going to exploit your friends, uh, you--you should probably tell them about it first.

" I can do better than this.

You know, I'd be happy to accompany you to the event as your proud father, if you want me to.

Okay, what's going on, dad? You haven't wanted to spend this much time with me since I wrote a term paper on British punk rock and the subculture of scorn.

All right, you got me.

Lily invited me to this big family dinner tonight, and I'm not sure if I wanna go.

Well, do I need to remind you that Lily's still your wife? Don't tell me you're on her side.

No, I'm not on any side.

But you gave me some very good advice recently on the importance of equality in a relationship.

And if Lily is taking steps to make things better, how can you not at least try to do the same? That's all.

Oh, hi.

Mom, I know you wanna have this great family dinner here tonight, but you have to cancel.

Why? What happened? I just I just found out that Lola's not my cousin, but she's my sister.

Which means dad was having an affair with Carol while you were still married.

How did you hear this? Well, dad lied to me about being out of town, and then I saw him with Lola.

And--and then Nate just told me that Lola spent the morning with her father.

Well, there still could be some other explanation.

No, no, this is the explanation.

It explains everything-- Carol hiding Lola from us, hiring Ivy to be her.

You know in your heart that this is the truth.

Serena Your father and I divorced for many reasons.

His philandering was just one of them.

Nonetheless, we need to handle our present problems before we start digging into past ones.

Are either one of them aware that we know their secret? Okay, then let's keep it that way until after the reporter leaves and dinner is over.

And then I'll sit down with your father and Carol alone and calmly sort through this in a mature manner.

I want you to put this out of your mind, plaster on your best happy face, and go get ready for the party.

Will you do that for me? If that's what you want.

I'll see you in a few hours.

Hi.

This is Lily.

I know I'm probably the last person you wanna talk to right now, but I have a partnership proposition for you.

I'm sorry to leave all this on your answering machine, Elizabeth.

I just really need your help.

I mean, if you have any proof whatsoever that you are in fact Chuck's real mother, and if you care about him even a little bit, now would be the time to come forward.

Feel free to contact me anytime, day or night.

Thank you very much.

What'd you find out? That the first record of our "Diana Payne" was three years ago.

Before that, it's like she didn't even exist.

So if Diana Payne's not her real name, how do we ever find out her story? How do I look? Suspicious.

You heard Mr.

Humphrey.

Why you dressed so fancy for casual book party? Ah, guess the opera gloves may be a bit much.

I smell a scheme when I see one.

What's going on? It is very simple, Dorota.

After carefully studying back issues of "New York" magazine, I realized that I don't aspire to be anything like the highbrow/brilliant people at all.

They're all boring doctors curing diseases and lame philanthropists trying to save the world.

Who wants to be on that list? But Mr.

Dan's not lame.

Fine.

He is the exception to the rule.

But my point is-- highbrow/despicable.

That's where you find the headline makers having all the fun.

Gwyneth, Victoria Beckham, Mayor Bloomberg-- those are my people, Dorota, and it is time that I become one of them again.

Now I have written a list of talking points for when the press calls later this evening.

"Do say Blair is generous and impulsive.

Don't say any of this was premeditated.

" You going to steal Mr.

Dan's spotlight on big night, aren't you? That would be merely despicable.

But if I do it while performing an incredibly honorable and magnanimous deed, then it's highbrow/despicable.

So I was, uh, thinking about what we talked about earlier, and I decided that as your husband, I'd like to come and support you this evening.

Oh, that's very sweet of you Rufus, but unfortunately, dinner's been canceled.

I'll call you later.

All right, you got me here.

Now what kind of a "partnership proposition" did you have in mind? I can work with this.

You can work with what? Take my coat, will you? Uh you look beautiful, but I did tell you this was casual, right? This is casual.

Be right back.

Dorota, why isn't anything posted on "Gossip Girl" yet? I don't know.

I sent in tip about how your Elie Saab couture upstages stodgy lions ten minutes ago, just like you said.

Well, it isn't working.

No one's paying any attention to me.

Hey.

How you doing? I'm Dan Humphrey.

It looks like I'm going to shift into phase two earlier than I thought.

on modern class distinctions and the near ritualistic social mores of the Upper East Side.

It was almost Austenian in nature.

Or Waldorf-Ian Being as that I was his muse and inspiration.

And hi.

I'm Blair Waldorf.

Hi.

Blair Waldorf.

Hi.

Blair Waldorf.

Hi.

Mm.

Victor, I really appreciate you doing this for me.

The empire just isn't the same without you, man.

Well, I might be back there very soon if anyone finds out what I just did.

Well, I'll be super quick, I promise.

All right, Diana.

Reveal yourself.

Well, I really appreciate the invitation.

Yes, of course.

I think it's very important for you to see firsthand all this infighting over money has been just so wildly exaggerated by the press.

You can understand how to an outside eye-- Oh, nonsense.

The truth is, one bad egg threatened to tear the whole family apart.

But as you'll see this evening, I would never let that happen.

I'm, um, sorry that my husband won't be in attendance, but he's feeling a little under the weather.

Excuse me.

Are you all right? Because this isn't exactly the happy face that we talked about earlier.

I just still feel a little weird about tonight.

Is it too late to cancel? Darling, it is already happening.

Oh, Carol! Looking just as great as ever.

Hi.

Hi.

Uh, Carol, this is David Patrick Columbia of the New York social diary.

Hi! Nice to meet you.

If you wanted to see my underwear, all you had to do was ask.

Are you just gonna stand there, staring at me, or would you like to tell me why you've broken into my hotel room? If you must know, I was Looking for something for you to wear.

The truth is, I've just been Thinking about your call today.

I'm listening.

Our chemistry is clearly undeniable.

And I'm just tired of fighting it.

So I'm not going to anymore.

Good evening, Carol.

How are you? You can breathe easier now, William.

Since I've gotten half of my mother's estate, you're no longer in danger of losing everything anymore.

And our little secret? I see no reason to tell anyone else.

How about you? Hello, sweetheart.

You're looking lovely as ever.

Oh, thank you.

I get it from my mom.

Wow! Look who's here.

Can you believe it? All of us together in the same room, one big happy family.

Well, now that our final guest has arrived, if you'll follow me, I know we're in for quite a meal.

Next up to say a few words about his book and tell us what the young lions means to him-- Dan Humphrey.

Thank you, Deborah.

Your brilliant short stories inspire me to write better-- and get to the point quicker.

I believe it was Hemingway who once said-- What a wonderful introduction, Dan.

I truly could not tell you how moved I was by all the touching things you wrote about me in "Inside.

" A book can only be read by people who know how to read it.

Otherwise, it is nothing more than a paperweight or a doorstop.

Which is why I, Blair Waldorf, have decided to provide an endowment to the young lions fund to help with children's literacy, so that all the despicable new yorkers our there like me can one day grow up to read "Inside" themselves.

However, as always, I prefer to remain anonymous.

So a toast to Dan.

And to literacy.

And to me Anonymously.

Cheers? Well, in the spirit of the evening, I've decided to serve tonight's meal family style.

Mom, this is so unlike you.

You hate anything family style.

Yes, well, I've since realized how important sharing is to the family dynamic.

Us Van Der Woodsens share more than you could possibly imagine.

Yeah, like when you used to steal my leg warmers when we were teenagers.

Yes, just like that, or when you stole my husband and decided to have a baby with him behind my back.

Oh, my God.

Mom, why are you doing this now? Okay, I think David's seen enough family bonding for one evening.

No, please, Serena, let him stay.

I don't want there to be any more secrets.

Why did you tell Lily? I never said a word.

Lola was never supposed to know about this.

Well, maybe if you didn't want me to know, you shouldn't have tried to blackmail him.

And if it wasn't bad enough that you slept with my husband all those years ago and left your daughter in the dark about her father's identity, then you send an imposter into my home to get money.

You know what? I don't need to listen to this any longer.

I got what I came here for-- my half of the inheritance, and I'm leaving.

It's not exactly that easy.

Gentlemen? What's going on? You're being arrested for fraud.

Ivy is the one who committed fraud, not me.

Yes, well, you're the one that put her up to it, so that kinda makes you the mastermind behind the whole thing.

Well, unfortunately for you, Ivy would never admit that to anyone.

Otherwise, she would incriminate herself in the process.

Ivy? Actually, I've already given my statement, and in exchange for ratting you out, I got off scot-free.

Uh-oh, Carol.

Dinner's over, and it looks like Ivy just served you your last supper.

You realize this isn't just hurting my mom.

It's hurting me, too.

Your mother deserves to be punished.

She defrauded all of us, and we should have done this months ago.

You know, don't listen to her, Lola.

This has nothing to do with fraud.

This is all because I slept with her husband two decades ago.

But here's the thing, Lily.

I never would have been with William in the first place if he were happy with you.

One tip-- if you want things to go smoothly in the jail, put her in solitary.

You know, maybe my mom was right keeping me from you all these years, because the truth hasn't helped anybody.

Lola, wait.

Let me take you home.

You know I never meant for any of this to happen, right? Oh, wow, what's next? You gonna walk her down the aisle? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Where are you going? They haven't even handed out the certificates to the nominees yet.

Did you really feel the need to steal the spotlight from me tonight because I was above you on the--on the back page of some magazine? No, that's ridiculous.

Is it? 'Cause you said in your speech something about me being "brilliant and highbrow," and if it's about that, it's a bit of an overreaction, don't you think? I mean, you know none of that stuff means anything to me.

Well, it means something to me, and it isn't just about the magazine.

I don't wanna live in someone else's shadow anymore.

I did it the whole year I was with Louis, and then with Chuck before that.

I'm sick of being behind the scenes in a relationship.

You're not behind-the-scenes with me.

That's what I love about us.

We are equals in this.

Well, that's not how I feel, and it's clearly not how other people view me.

Maybe you are so focused on how everyone else perceives you, that you no longer know who you are.

And that's too bad, 'cause if you could only see what I see Mm.

Is it safe to assume that you're ready to, um, resume our relationship again? What do you say we go downstairs and grab a drink together and continue exploring our options? Mwah.

Okay.

Actually, Diana, I, um, just got a text from Chuck.

He's back home, and he's, um, wondering where I am.

So if I could just take a rain check on that drink, then I'll just see you at the office.

Wait a minute! Serena, give me a minute, please.

Hey, look I'm sorry for not being truthful with you today.

And for cheating on your mother all those years ago.

That's between you and mom, but you lied to me today to protect Lola.

You left me when I was 4 years old, and when I tracked you down You wouldn't even see me.

All I ever wanted my whole life was a father, and all you ever did was avoid me, and then now when you find out about Lola, you just rush to be by her side.

Well, you broke my mom's heart, and now you just broke mine.

Rufus.

Don't get up.

I'm not gonna be long.

Apparently, you did have a dinner tonight, or so I read from a newsfeed about you getting your sister arrested.

Carol hurt this family too badly to just get away with it.

You sound just like your mother.

Well, I'll take that as a compliment.

My mother would have done anything to preserve our family name.

No matter the consequences to the actual family members, right? I'll bet you even paid off the nurse to testify against Ivy.

You know, I-I thought we'd grown together, but if this is who you wanna be I don't wanna have anything to do with it.

Rufus, are you saying you'd like a divorce? 'Cause where exactly are you gonna find some other Upper East Side woman to take care of you the way I have? Spoken like a true Rhodes.

You just made my decision for us to spend some time apart that much easier.

So thank you.

Oh, hey.

How was your day? I've decided to delete certain disturbing images of my mother's past from my mind And attempt a relationship with her.

Well, before you two start bonding and having spa weekends together, maybe you should see this.

Elizabeth fisher e-mailed me that picture a few minutes ago.

Take a look at the date in the corner.

It's right before you were born.

But Diana said Elizabeth couldn't get pregnant.

Well, I guess she lied to you.

Jack probably put her up to it.

Jack? What does he have to do with this? Turns out he's the one funding Diana.

He could have paid her to tell you whatever you wanted to hear.

And had her pretend Elizabeth's donated blood was really hers.

But if Elizabeth really is my mother, then why would she deny being the donor? Something still doesn't add up.

You were right.

The problem wasn't your success.

It was me.

Somehow between being traded for a hotel and selling out for a tiara, I lost my true self.

But I wanna be found.

Could you possibly help? I have a feeling that the real Blair Waldorf is a lot closer than you think.

Wasn't all that long ago that she and I were working side-by-side at "W," and I totally fell for her.

And what was that girl like? That girl is, uh, fiercely strong, independent, outspoken, beautiful, capable of anything, and no man or magazine should be able to take that away from her.

She sounds great.

I look forward to meeting her again.

I can't believe Lily did this to me.

Neither can I, but you have to stop thinking about your sister and start doing what's best for our daughter.

With you under arrest, it's going to be very difficult for you to access your money.

If you sign over power of attorney to me, I give you my word that I'll take care of Lola, and I will get you the best damn lawyers your mother's inheritance can buy.

You really care about her, don't you? I just wanna do the right thing.

You did the right thing.

Carol never should have put you in this position.

I want you to know I'm not like her.

I might have come to New York because Carol paid me to, but once I met you, the only thing that mattered to me was feeling like I was a part of your family.

So you've said, but there is, um, nothing to be done about that, is there? I could tear up this check.

Lily, please.

Just let me earn back a place in your heart.

Good-bye, Ivy.

Hello? I did what you asked.

I'll sign Carol's half of the estate over to you when I get to the apartment.

Thank you.

We both know she does not deserve that money, and your getting it away from her is the least you could do after what I found out about you two today.

But you are going to take care of Lola, right? That was our deal.

What kind of a monster do you think I am? You think just because she's a product of your extramarital affair that I would punish Lola.

I wouldn't do that.

Why don't I believe you? See you soon.

On second thought Take me to J.

F.

K.

What do you want? I know we've had our ups and downs.

Well, mostly downs.

But we're sisters now.

Half.

What's your point? I don't know a ton about being a sibling, but I have a hunch that uniting against parents is a pretty major bonding experience.

I was thinking the best way for you to get back at your mom is by helping me get my mom out of jail.

You never really stood a chance of exposing me as Gossip Girl, and I'm not really interested in being your sister all of a sudden.

So please just stay away from me and my family, okay, sis? I'll show you out now.

You okay? The only thing that Diana and Elizabeth have in common is my Uncle Jack.

Take a look at this photo again.

You see the tattoo on the guy's arm? Yeah.

So? So I know that tattoo.

Check it out.

The man in that photo is not my dad.

It's Jack.

What if all this subterfuge over my mother's identity was actually disguising the real question? It's not who's my mom.

It's who's my dad.

Nate, I think Jack Bass is my father.

[bunniefuu]

(OG version)


WOMAN:
Where has she been?

GOSSIP GIRL:
And who am I?

That's one secret I'll never tell.

You know you love me. XOXO...

...Gossip Girl.

GOSSIP GIRL:
In our modern age...

...there are so many ways
for information to travel.

And yet with all our tablets
and smartphones...

...there are still some people
who like to get their morning dish...

...the old-fashioned way.

Even without
the information highway...

...good news always seems
to travel fast.

But bad news?
Well, you know what they say.

BLAIR: I must commend myself
on my choice of wardrobe for you today.

You are striking just the right tone...

...of literate and serious,
yet playful and accessible.

I'm meeting Simon and Schuster's
publicists. Not a big deal.

Not a big deal?
What could be more important...

...than strategizing ways to publicize?

I don't know, the banking crisis
or what's going on in Syria or--

You're never gonna be trending
on Twitter if you choose those topics.

Now, just be humble, self-deprecating,
with a tinge of intellectual superiority.

And always leave them wanting more.
Have a great day.

Dorota!

Run me a hot bath. I want a long soak
in the tub and catch up on my reading.

I have better idea.
How about you take a quick shower?

Then supervise me
as I clean out your closet.

You need more space and, uh, I need
to work off baby weight. Bad, heh.

LILY: Did you see Ivy's face
when Mother's nurse...

...accused her of taking advantage
of the weak and elderly?

Thank God that woman came
and said what happened.

I knew right then that the judge
would invalidate the will.

Tell me, Lily. How much exactly
did you pay that nurse to lie for you?

Because I have done nothing
but love and care for CeCe.

It's not my mom's fault the truth
came out. So leave us alone...

...before we head into these offices
and file a restraining order against you.

Mom, where was Rufus? I was surprised
he wasn't here to support you.

Well, Rufus had an appointment
and I told him not to cancel.

Because as long as you were
by my side, I'd be fine.

Oh, so now the money
just reverts back to you?

Now that the will has been revoked...

...the estate will be split between me and
Carol. She's flying in to sign paperwork.

SERENA: Gloating, no doubt.
-Believe me, it's a small price to pay...

...to be done with this whole thing.

And thank God nobody knew
how dirty it really got, heh.

MAN: Here she comes.
-Lily, Lily.

Is the family still fighting
with each other over inheritance?

How's it feel going from
high class to high trash?

I assure you this is all
one big misunderstanding.

The Rhodes clan couldn't be happier.

Any truth to rumors that you and your
husband are no longer living together?

No, none at all.

-Serena, shall we?
WOMAN: Just one more question.

[PHONE RINGS]

I think you dialed the wrong number.
You meant to call your son.

The news of me being Chuck's
mother must've come as rather a...

[SIGHS]

...big surprise to you.

-You think?
-But it doesn't have to ruin anything.

Except for the small fact that every time
I look at you, I see a Bass in my face.

You know I still have feelings for you.

And now that you've broken up
with that girl Lola...

...I think you might still
have feelings for me.

Am I wrong?

I should really go.

I'm gonna be out of the office all day,
but can we meet after work tonight...

...and at least talk it through?

I don't know. I never saw myself...

...as a sleep-with-your
best-friend's-mother kind of a guy.

Just think about it, okay?

All right.

Is it true what the paparazzi
said about Rufus?

Are you not living together?

Well, we're taking a little hiatus
to clear our heads.

-Yes.
-Why didn't you tell me?

Because I didn't wanna worry you.
Rufus is in Brooklyn, he's fine.

And he'll come around
like he always does.

My bigger concern
is the public perception...

...of this whole mess that Ivy caused.

Let me tell you, Serena, nothing ruins
a reputation faster than a money fight.

You should be focusing
on fixing things with Rufus.

I know, we'll have
a big family dinner here tonight...

...to celebrate our victory in court.

And I'll invite a reporter from the Diary
to dispel all the rumors of family strife.

You think the way to handle this
is by inviting the media into our home?

I'll find a way to get Rufus here,
you bring Lola.

-We're not in a good place right now.
-Well, get in one.

Once they see us together these rumors
will evaporate before they began.

[SIGHS]

Nathaniel, are my ears
playing tricks on me...

...or did I hear you on the phone
with a young lady earlier?

[CHOKES]

No, not exactly. Um....

Your mother called to talk to me.

I'm not sure which one of us
this is more awkward for.

Neither am I. My history with Diana...

...and now yours, it's just too weird
to even be in business with her.

I would love to find some funding
and possibly buy her out for good.

-You interested?
-I'm still trying to decide...

...what kind of relationship
I want with her.

Which means I'm not ready
to put her out of business just yet.

What you're saying is
since I already screwed her--

I don't need to also.

Oh, by the way, I called Andrew to figure
out where Diana's getting money.

She needed my grandfather last time.

-Someone must be bankrolling her.
-When you find out?

I'll convince the investor to bet on me.

Do what you have to do,
but I am respectfully staying out of it.

-Andrew.
-Mr. Bass.

I did some digging.

I found out Diana is getting her funding
from an Australian holding company.

Were you able to find a name?

Andrew, I need you to find out
everything you can about Diana Payne.

I'll tell you, Dorota,
for the first time in a long time...

...I feel as if all is right in the universe.
Not the Dior.

Hey, why did you throw these away?
I haven't read New York Magazine yet.

It's too much clutter.
Clutter your brain.

You sure you want to read, Miss Blair?

There are some bad things
about friends in there.

Don't you know me?
I love reading bad things about friends.

It's the thing that makes me
feel better about myself.

Heh, Dan made the approval matrix?

In the highbrow-brilliant box?

"Dan Humphrey writing a new book.
One that isn't a cheap sequel to Inside."

That's brilliant?

I mean, I'm surprised he made
the magazine at all, but....

He's highbrow and I'm lowbrow?

"For being married
for less time than Kim Kardashian"?

I was so wrong, Dorota.
All is not right in the universe.

The universe is upended
and we must right it immediately.

And how we plan to do that?

I must become as highbrow as Dan.
This instant.

[PHONE RINGS]

-Hello, sweetie.
SERENA: Dad. I think I need your help.

For you, anything. What's going on?

Word got out about family drama
over Grandma's inheritance...

...and Mom wants to have a big dinner
and invite the press to try to fix it.

I just don't think
that's the right way to handle it.

This is your mother's process.
Needs to make sure...

...everything looks good outside
before she takes care of the inside.

Is there any way you can make it?

You've been such a calming presence
during all this craziness.

And Carol is gonna be there,
which usually only adds to the conflict.

I wish I could, but there's no way I can
get into town on such short notice.

But don't worry, I promise you
everything's gonna be fine.

Okay, well, thank you anyway.

-I love you, Dad.
-I love you too, angel.

Bye.

GOSSIP GIRL:
I've always been a daddy's girl...

...but sometimes
the problem with fathers--

Sorry about that.
Now, where were we?

I think you were about to tell me
how you found out that you're my dad.

GOSSIP GIRL:
--is that they can be real sons of b*tches.

How am I supposed to be okay
with this? My mom...

...knowingly kept me
from you all these years.

It may sound crazy,
but I think in her own way...

...she was trying to protect everyone.

She still should've told me,
then it could've been up to you and me.

I know in your mind you think
we lost a lot of good years, but...

...the truth is,
I was a lousy dad to Serena and Eric.

I think I finally learned
from my mistakes.

So instead of looking back and cursing
your mother, how about we...

...focus on what we can have
moving forward.

Now, your mom told me
not to tell anybody about us, but...

...if you'd like everyone
to know the truth...

...it's fine by me.

I think it would be best
if we didn't tell the family.

I won't say a word.

Okay.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Have you heard the good news?

A judge invalidated my mother's will...

...so we can now finally
put all this drama behind us.

Now, where are the champagne flutes?

Uh, Lil, why are you here?

Well, because we're having
a celebratory dinner tonight...

...at our place, just the family
and I want you to come.

I'm sorry you're upset with me.

I think it's time we put our fighting
behind us and move on.

-What do you say?
-That doesn't sound like a real apology.

I'm not sure
I'm the one that needs to apologize.

-You think I am? For what?
-Taking Ivy's side.

Paying her way behind my back.

She was basically homeless.

Because the home
she'd been living in was mine.

That's exactly right, Lil.
It was yours, not ours.

Do you see what we're doing?
All this fighting and finger-pointing.

-You do whatever you feel like.
-I can say the same thing about you.

This isn't how a marriage is supposed
to be. Who's wrong? Who's right?

It doesn't matter.
We're in a partnership.

I couldn't agree more.

Then how about you give me a call
when you're ready to be a partner again?

Well, it must've been one quick jet
to get you back to New York already.

Serena, hello.

You wanna explain why you lied to me
or why you were hanging out with Lola?

If you must know...

...I bonded with my niece
at CeCe's wake.

She's been a bit lonely with all the stuff
with her mother. Just trying to be there.

That still doesn't explain
why you told me you weren't in town.

I'm sorry. It's just you invited me
to a family dinner...

...and I heard rumors that Lily
and Rufus are having problems.

As you know,
my presence tends to be...

...the opposite of helpful
around the two of them.

I never should've lied to you.

I didn't know what else to say.

Well, if you wanna make it up to me,
why don't you come to dinner tonight?

I'm not gonna take no for an answer,
so just say yes, Dad, for me?

You convinced me.

Thank you.

You know, I'm gonna invite Lola too.

-I'll see you at Mom's at 8, okay?
-Okay.

-Yeah, I appreciate that, thanks.
-Were you able to reach Jack?

Apparently he's taken a leave
of absence from Bass Australia...

...and no one seems to know
where he is.

They say that's normal for Jack.

You have a visitor.
Want me to let her in?

Yeah. Sure. Thanks, Amy.

Nate, hi.

Lola, hey.

I just recently gained insight
into how painful it must've been...

...for Chuck to find out
that Diana was his mom...

...and I'm just really sorry
for the role I played in that.

Oh, yeah, well, thanks for that,
but why? What happened to you?

My father finally came forward and, um,
I just spent the morning with him.

-So I really needed someone to talk to.
-Well, I'm glad you came to me.

I went through
the same thing with Chuck...

...when he thought he found
his mother a couple years ago.

Another woman besides Diana?

Yeah, it turned out none of it was true.
It was this big lie orchestrated by his, uh....

Orchestrated by his Uncle Jack.

Hey, Lola, I'm really sorry,
I can talk about this later.

I've just gotta deal with something
right now. You gonna be okay?

Thanks.

Amy, give me Andrew Tyler. If you can't,
see if you can find any information...

...about a woman
named Elizabeth Fisher.

So as I was cleaning out my closet
this morning, I suddenly had a brilliant--

-And highbrow.
-Thank you, Dorota.

A brilliant
and extremely highbrow idea.

Such a shame to have
all these beautiful accessories...

...that are hidden from the world
the majority of the time.

So I decided to allow FIT to exhibit
my shoe and handbag collection.

This is the purse I brought to prom...

...and that is the shoe that Louis brought
to me in the beginning of our romance.

Which ended even more
famously than it began didn't it?

Maybe if you were still a princess I'd buy
it, but since you're no longer royalty--

-She's still royalty to me.
-Down, Dorota. It's okay.

Also, it's far too similar to an exhibit
we already did with Daphne Guinness.

Perhaps another time.

-Who was that guy?
DOROTA: Some representative from FIT.

More like similar word but spelled S--

Doesn't matter. How was
the meeting with your publicist?

They just wanted to tell me
I'm one of the five people nominated...

...for the New York Public Library's


And there's a c*ck reception
where they're honoring the honorees.

I was wondering
if, uh, you would be my date.

Well, of course.

I can't wait to be there to honor you.

My boyfriend, who's doing
such highbrow, brilliant things.

In fact, I'm gonna buy a new dress...

...since nothing is worthwhile
in my collection.

Heh, okay, but it's a c*ck party.
Keep it casual.

Despite what FIT believes...

...I think I know how to dress myself for
an evening out, thank you very much.

Hey, have you seen Lola?
I saw on Gossip Girl that she was here.

-Oh, you just missed her.
-Ugh.

I just left her a message inviting her
to this family dinner tonight...

...but I really wanted to make up
with her in person.

Oh, I'm glad. Lola could really
use some friends right about now.

She's going through some things
unrelated to you, but....

Everything okay?

She just met her father
for the first time today.

Spent the morning with him.
The whole experience threw her.

-Spent the morning with her father?
-Yeah.

Nate, no word from Andrew yet,
but I found that number you asked for.

Ah, thanks, Amy. Serena,
I need to deal with this, excuse me.

GOSSIP GIRL: Lily may have wanted
the perfect nuclear family...

...but this b*mb is going to start a w*r.

[MELLOW SONG PLAYING]

How's this? "I learned
many things writing this book.

Number one, don't exploit your friends.
Number two, if you are going to exploit...

...uh, you should probably
tell them about it."

No, I can do better than this.

I'd be happy to accompany you to the
event as your proud father if you want.

[CHUCKLES]

What's going on? You haven't
wanted to spend this much time...

...since I wrote a term paper
on British punk rock and scorn.

All right, you got me. Lily invited me
to this big family dinner tonight.

And I'm not sure if I wanna go.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, do I need to remind you
that Lily's your wife?

-You're on her side.
-No, I'm not on any side.

But you gave me
some very good advice...

...on the importance
of equality in a relationship...

...and if Lily is taking steps
to make things better...

...how can you not at least
try to do the same?

That's all.

-Oh, hi.
-I know you wanna have...

...this great family dinner tonight,
but you have to cancel.

Why? What happened?

Ah. I just--

I just found out that Lola's
not my cousin, but she's my sister.

Which means Dad was having
an affair with Carol while married.

How did you hear this?

Well, Dad lied to me about being out
of town and then I saw him with Lola.

Nate told me that Lola
spent the morning with her father.

Well, there still could be
some other explanation.

No, no, this is the explanation.
It explains everything.

Carol hiding Lola from us,
hiring Ivy to be her.

You know in your heart
that this is the truth.

Serena...

...your father and I divorced
for many reasons.

His philandering was just one of them.

Nonetheless, we need to handle
our present problems...

...before we start digging
into past ones.

Are either one of them aware
that we know their secret?

Okay, then let's keep it that way
until after the reporter leaves.

I'll sit down
with your father and Carol alone...

...and calmly sort through this
in a mature manner.

I want you
to put this out of your mind...

...plaster on your best happy face
and go get ready for the party.

Will you do that for me?

If that's what you want.

I'll see you in a few hours.

Hi, this is Lily.

I know I'm probably the last person
you wanna talk to right now...

...but I have a partnership proposition
for you.

I'm sorry to leave this on your machine,
Elizabeth. I really need your help.

I mean, if you have
any proof whatsoever...

...that you are
in fact Chuck's real mother...

...if you care about him even a little bit,
now would be the time to come forward.

Feel free to contact me any time
day or night, thank you very much.

-What'd you find out?
-The first record of our Diana Payne...

...was three years ago.
Before that, she didn't even exist.

So if Diana Payne's not her real name,
how do we ever find out her story?

-How do I look?
-Suspicious.

You heard Mr. Humphrey. Why you dress
so fancy for casual book party?

Uh, I guess the opera gloves
may be a bit much.

I smell a scheme when I see one.

What's going on?

It is very simple, Dorota.

After carefully studying back issues
of New York Magazine, I realized...

...that I don't aspire to be anything like
the highbrow brilliant people at all.

Boring doctors curing diseases, lame
philanthropists trying to save the world.

Who wants to be on that list?

But Mr. Dan's not lame.

Fine. He is the exception to the rule.

But my point is, highbrow-despicable,
that's where you find headline-makers...

...having all the fun. Gwyneth, Victoria
Beckham, Mayor Bloomberg.

Those are my people, Dorota. And it
is time that I become one of them again.

Now, I have written
a list of talking points...

...for when the press calls
later this evening.

"Do say:
Blair is generous and impulsive.

Don't say:
Any of this was premeditated."

You're going to steal Mr. Dan's
spotlight on big night, aren't you?

That would be merely despicable.

But if I do it...

...while performing an incredibly
honorable and magnanimous deed...

...then it's highbrow despicable.

So I was, uh, thinking about
what we talked about earlier...

...and I decided as your husband,
I'd like to support you this evening.

That's very sweet of you, Rufus, but
unfortunately, dinner's been canceled.

I'll call you later.

All right, you got me here.

Now, what kind of a partnership
proposition did you have in mind?

[CHATTERING]

[SIGHS]

-I can work with this.
-You can work with what?

Take my coat, will you?

Uh, you look beautiful,
but I did tell you this was casual?

-This is casual.
-I'll be right back.

[SIGHS]

Dorota, why isn't anything posted
on Gossip Girl yet?

I don't know. I sent in tip
about how your Elis Saab Couture...

...upstages stodgy Lions


-...just like you said.
-Well, it isn't working.

No one's paying any attention to me.

DAN:
Hey, how you doing? I'm Dan.

It looks like I'm gonna shift
into phase two earlier than I thought.

MAN:
Our modern class distinctions...

...and the near ritualistic social mores
of the Upper East Side...

-...it was almost Austenian in nature.
-Or Waldorfian.

Heh, being as that I was his muse
and inspiration. Hi, I'm Blair Waldorf.

Hi, Blair Waldorf. Hi.
Blair Waldorf. Hi, heh.

Victor, I really appreciate you
doing this for me.

The Empire just isn't the same
without you, man.

I might be back there soon
if anyone finds out what I just did.

Well, I'll be super quick. I promise.

All right, Diana. Reveal yourself.

Well, I really appreciate the invitation.

Of course, I think it's important you see
firsthand this infighting over money...

...has been just so wildly exaggerated
by the press.

You could understand how,
to an outside eye--

Oh, nonsense. The truth is one bad egg
threatened to tear the family apart.

But as you'll see this evening,
I would never let that happen.

I'm, um, sorry that my husband won't be
in attendance...

...but he's a little under the weather.
Excuse me.

Are you all right? Because this isn't
the happy face we talked about earlier.

I just still feel a little weird
about tonight.

-Is it too late to cancel?
-Ah.

Darling, it is already happening.

[SIGHS]

Oh, Carol, looking just as great as ever.

Hi. Uh, Carol, this is David Patrick
Columbia of the New York Social Diary.

-Hi.
-Nice to meet you.

If you wanted to see my underwear,
all you had to do was ask.

Are you just gonna stand there staring
at me...

...or would you like to tell me why
you've broken into my hotel room?

[SIGHS]

If you must know, I was looking
for something for you to wear.

Oh.

The truth is, I've just been thinking
about your call all day.

-I'm listening.
-Our chemistry is clearly undeniable.

And I'm just tired of fighting it.

So I'm not going to anymore.

[DIANA GRUNTS]

Good evening, Carol. How are you?

You can breathe easier now, William.

I've gotten half
of my mother's estate...

...you're no longer
in danger of losing everything.

And our little secret?

I see no reason to tell anyone else.
How about you?

Hello, sweetheart.
You're looking lovely as ever.

Oh, thank you,
I get it from my mom, heh.

Wow, look who's here.
Can you believe it?

All of us together in the same room.
One big, happy family.

Well, now that our final guest
has arrived...

...if you'll follow me,
I know we're in for quite a meal.

Next up to say a few words
about his book...

...and tell us what the Young Lions
means to him, Dan Humphrey.

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you, Deborah, your stories inspire
me to write better and get to the point.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

I believe it was Hemingway
who once said--

What a wonderful introduction, Dan.

I truly could not tell you
how moved I was...

...by the touching things
you wrote about me in Inside.

A book can only be read by people
who know how to read it.

Otherwise, it is nothing more
than a paperweight or a doorstop, heh.

Which is why I, Blair Waldorf, have
decided to provide an endowment...

...to the Young Lions' fund
to help with children's literacy.

So that all the despicable
New Yorkers out there like me...

...can one day grow up
to read Inside themselves.

However, as always,
I prefer to remain anonymous.

So a toast. To Dan. And to literacy.

And to me. Anonymously.

Cheers.

In the spirit of the evening, I've decided
to serve tonight's meal family style.

Mom, this is so unlike you.
You hate anything family style.

Well, I've since realized how important
sharing is to the family dynamic.

Us van der Woodsens share more
than you could possibly imagine.

Like when you'd steal my leg warmers
when we were teenagers.

Yes, just like that.

Or when you stole my husband...

...and decided to have a baby
with him behind my back.

-Oh, my God.
SERENA: Mom...

...why are you doing this now?

I think David's seen enough
family bonding for one evening.

No, please, Serena, let him stay. I don't
want there to be any more secrets.

-Why'd you tell Lily?
-Never said a word.

Lola was never supposed to know.

You shouldn't have tried
to blackmail him.

If it wasn't bad enough you slept
with my husband all those years ago...

...and left your daughter in the dark
about her father's identity...

...then you send an impostor
into my home to get money.

You know what?
I don't need to listen to this any longer.

I got what I came here for, my half
of the inheritance, and I'm leaving.

It's not exactly that easy. Gentlemen.

-What's going on?
-You're being arrested for fraud.

CAROL: Ivy is the one
who committed fraud, not me.

You're the one who put her up to it.

That makes you the mastermind
behind the whole thing.

Well, unfortunately for you,
Ivy would never admit that to anyone...

...otherwise she would
incriminate herself.

Ivy?

Actually, I've already given
my statement.

And in exchange for ratting you out,
I got off scot-free.

GOSSIP GIRL:
Uh-oh, Carol, dinner's over.

And it looks like
Ivy just served you your last supper.

This isn't just hurting my mom,
it's hurting me.

Your mother deserves to be punished.
She defrauded all of us.

Don't listen to her, Lola.
This has nothing to do with fraud.

This is because I slept with her husband
two decades ago. But here's the thing.

I never would've been with William in
the first place if he were happy with you.

One tip. If you want things to go
smoothly in the jail, put her in solitary.

Maybe my mom was right keeping me
from you.

The truth hasn't helped anybody.

Lola, wait. Let me take you home.

You know I never meant for any
of this to happen, right?

Oh, well, what's next?
You gonna walk her down the aisle?

[SERENA SCOFFS]

Wait, wait, wait. Where are you going?

They haven't even handed out
the certificates yet.

Did you feel the need
to steal the spotlight...

...because I was above you
on the back page of some magazine?

No. That's ridiculous.

Is it? You said in your speech something
about me being brilliant and highbrow.

And if it's about that, it's a bit
of an overreaction, don't you think?

None of that means anything to me.

It means something to me.
It isn't just about the magazine.

I don't wanna live
in someone else's shadow anymore.

I did it the whole year I was with Louis
and then with Chuck before that.

I'm sick of being behind the scenes
in a relationship.

You're not behind the scenes with me.
That's what I love. We are equals in this.

Well, that's not how I feel and it's
clearly not how other people view me.

You are so focused
on how everyone perceives you...

...that you no longer know
who you are.

And that's too bad, because
if you could only see what I see.

[DIANA SIGHS]

Is it safe for me to assume that you're ready
to, um, resume our relationship again?

What do you say we go downstairs
and grab a drink together...

...and continue exploring our options?

Mwah. Okay.

[INHALES]

[EXHALES]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Actually, Diana,
I, um, just got a text from Chuck.

He's back home
and he's, um, wondering where I am.

So if I could just
take a rain check on that drink.

-And I'll just see you at the office.
-Wait a minute.

[DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES]

Serena, give me a minute, please.
Hey, look.

I'm sorry for not being truthful
with you today.

And for cheating on your mother
all those years ago.

That's between you and Mom.

But you lied to me today
to protect Lola.

You left me when I was 4 years old...

...and when I tracked you down,
you wouldn't even see me.

All I ever wanted my whole life was
a father and all you did was avoid me.

And then when you find out about Lola,
you just rush to be by her side.

Well, you broke my mom's heart
and now you just broke mine.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

-Rufus.
-Don't get up. I'm not gonna be long.

Apparently, you did have a dinner
tonight or so I read from a news feed...

...about you getting
your sister arrested.

Carol hurt this family too badly
to just get away with it.

You sound just like your mother.

Well, I'll take that as a compliment.

My mother would've done anything
to preserve our family name.

No matter the consequences
to the actual family members, right?

I'll bet you even paid off the nurse
to testify against Ivy.

You know,
I thought we'd grown together...

...but if this is who you wanna be...

...I don't wanna have
anything to do with it.

Rufus, are you saying
you'd like a divorce?

Because where exactly are you gonna
find some other Upper East Side woman...

...to take care of you the way I have?

Spoken like a true Rhodes.

You made my decision for us to spend
some time apart that much easier.

So thank you.

Oh, hey. How was your day?

I've decided to delete
certain disturbing images...

...of my mother's past from my mind
and attempt a relationship with her.

Before you two start bonding
and having spa weekends together...

...maybe you should see this.

Elizabeth Fisher e-mailed me that
a few minutes ago. Look at the date.

It's right before you were born.

Diana said Elizabeth
couldn't get pregnant.

Well, I guess she lied to you.
Jack probably put her up to it.

-What does he have to do with this?
-Turns out he's funding Diana.

He could've paid her to tell you
whatever you wanted to hear.

And had her pretend Elizabeth's donated
blood was really hers.

But if Elizabeth really is my mother,
why would she deny being the donor?

Something still doesn't add up.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

You were right.

The problem wasn't your success.

It was me.

Somehow between being traded
for a hotel and selling out for a tiara...

...I lost my true self.

But I wanna be found.

Could you possibly help?

I have a feeling the real Blair Waldorf
is a lot closer than you think.

It wasn't all that long ago that she and I
were working side-by-side at W...

...and I totally fell for her.

And what was that girl like?

That girl is, uh, fiercely strong...

...independent, outspoken, beautiful...

...capable of anything.

And no man or magazine
should be able to take that away.

She sounds great.

I look forward to meeting her again.

Ugh, I can't believe Lily did this to me.

Neither can I, but you have
to stop thinking about your sister...

...and start doing what's best
for our daughter.

With you under arrest, it's gonna
be difficult to access your money.

If you sign over power of attorney,
I'll take care of Lola...

...and I will get you the best lawyers
your mother's inheritance can buy.

You really care about her, don't you?

I just wanna do the right thing.

[SIGHS]

You did the right thing. Carol never
should've put you in this position.

[SIGHS]

I want you to know I'm not like her.

I might've come to New York
because Carol paid me to...

...but once I met you,
the only thing that mattered to me was...

...feeling like I was a part
of your family.

So you've said. But there's, um,
nothing to be done about that, is there?

I could tear up this check.

Lily, please, just let me earn back
a place in your heart.

Goodbye, Ivy.

[PHONE RINGS]

-Hello?
WILL [OVER PHONE]: I did what you asked.

I'll sign Carol's half over to you
when I get to the apartment.

Thank you. We both know she doesn't
deserve that money.

Getting it away from her is the least you
could do after what I found out today.

You are going to take care of Lola, right?
That was our deal.

What kind of a monster
do you think I am?

Do you think just because she's
a product of your extramarital affair...

...that I would punish Lola?

-I wouldn't do that.
-Why don't I believe you?

See you soon.

On second thought....

Take me to JFK.

What do you want?

I know that we've had
our ups and downs.

Well, mostly downs.
But we're sisters now.

Half. What's your point?

I don't know a ton
about being a sibling...

...but I have a hunch that uniting against
parents is a major bonding experience.

I was thinking the best way
for you to get back at your mom...

...is by helping me
get my mom out of jail.

You never really stood a chance
of exposing me as Gossip Girl.

And I'm not really interested
in being your sister all of a sudden.

So please just stay away
from me and my family, okay, sis?

I'll show you out now.

You okay?

The only thing that Diana and Elizabeth
have in common is my Uncle Jack.

Take a look at this photo again.

See the tattoo on the guy's arm?

-Yeah, so?
-So I know that tattoo.

Check it out.

The man in that photo is not my dad.
It's Jack.

What if all this subterfuge
over my mother's identity...

...was actually disguising
the real question?

It's not who's my mom.
It's who's my dad.

Nate, I think Jack Bass is my father.