(dramatic music)
(energetic music)
(thunder crashes)
(footsteps tapping ground)
(train whistling)
(owl hooting)
(footsteps pattering)
(werewolf growling)
- Hello, and welcome to
"Dimension 20: Coffin Run,"
a very bloody finale.
Hello, Fang g*ng.
- [Fang g*ng] Bleh!
- How are feeling tonight?
- Good.
- Look at the set!
You know, just everybody look at the set.
It's an amazing set.
(players mimic air horns honking)
It is truly, my...
- [Carlos] Dracula's down there.
- [Izzy] I wanna get in there.
- [Jasmine] It's my dark, twisted fantasy.
- [Carlos] Hmm.
- [Zac] Wow.
- Yeah, I want an "MTV Cribs"
of this with Rick Perry.
- "MTV Cribs" is apt
considering the exploits
that y'all got up to in the last episode.
You came back home to Castle Dracula
to find interlopers in your midst.
Lairbnb people
- [Carlos] Mm-mm.
- [Jasmine] Historical Society people.
- [Carlos] Mm-mm.
- And now the worst of
them all, antiquers.
(Erika gasps)
Going through your dad's stuff.
- [Carlos] Mm-mm.
- Picking away at it, and it gets worse.
There's price tags on everything.
- Oh no.
- You come in to this
sheer horror in this,
the most sacred of places, dad's bedroom,
to see it filled with
people touching things
even you weren't allowed to touch
when Count Dracula was
walking and talking.
You see some nuns arguing
over the condition
and price of Dracula's favorite piano.
- You probably saw me just suddenly go.
That's 'cause I truly just
noticed that they were nuns.
It's a bunch of nuns over there.
- Yeah, they need a piano
for their church, but May,
that is the piano Count
Dracula played songs to you on.
- Our song!
- [Jasmine] You see them-
♪ Why do birds suddenly appear ♪
♪ Every time we are near ♪
♪ Every time you are near ♪
(Carlos laughs)
- But your fond remembrance
is interrupted by a woman going,
"Well, if you look at the keys,
they're in really bad condition.
And look here, there's clearly a place
where the paint is scuffed.
Yeah, some bimbo was probably
sitting on this thing."
- This bimbo was sitting on that thing!
- "Left a dent in it."
- Whoa, whoa!
- My a*s print is perfect!
- But the horrors ahead
of you are interrupted
by the horrors behind for, sure enough,
coming from the Hall of Ancients
you see a full-blown cannon
being pushed inch by inch
slowly along the granite
steps. (mimics creaking)
By none other than Razvan
the Reborn himself.
You wanna take your minis
and then pass 'em around
just so you have 'em
and you could place them
where you think you are in the foyer.
- Where sort of were we before?
- Oh, whatever marching
order you want to be in.
You just came into this room
with Dracula's incapacitated body
to place him in his ancestral soil.
- [Carlos] We came in through right here?
- [Jasmine] Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
How long have we been here?
- You just entered.
- [Carlos] Okay.
- So I mean...
Up here to-
- Yeah.
- [Jasmine] Yeah, that's fine.
- Is that a dead body?
Oh, that's Dracula. Who is that guy?
(Jasmine laughing)
- So we get down there from here.
- Yeah, there's multiple ways down.
- I probably would have been up there
'cause I probably walked in
going, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
(Jasmine laughing)
- So you're standing up looking down.
- [Zac] "I'm sorry."
- Let's have Wetzel go down there
thinking that we're gonna lower him?
- [Jasmine] Okay.
- [Zac] Of course.
- [Carlos] I don't know.
- [Izzy] I'll be, where would I be?
- Razvan comes out behind you all.
You hear a strange, metallic clink
as he pulls back the firing
mechanism of his cannon
and aims it at the incapacitated body
of the Dark Lord himself.
Roll for initiative.
(players gasp)
- Oh no!
- Fart f*ck!
- Oh, roll high, Zac. Yes, thank you.
- Ooh, you got high.
- Ooh, girl!
- Oh boy, um...
- Okay.
- [Zac] My boy!
- Six.
- [Jasmine] Six.
- 19.
- [Erika] At least
that'll give me some time
to think about things.
- Zarb plops out of
your giant deformed head
leaving it a more normal
size and is next to you
complete with all of his buttholes.
What is your initiative?
- I got a dirty 20.
- Oh, 17.
- Let's get cracking.
You see this beautiful setup before you.
I will give this small
tip as your benevolent DM.
A lot of this is interactable.
- [Erika] Oh, I know.
- [Zac] Can I ask you a question?
- And as a "Warhammer" gamer,
line of sights and cover
have been taken into careful account.
- [Erika] Whoa.
- Yes, ask away.
Thank you, Dwarven Forge, by the way,
for making this beautiful setup
and working with us on this.
Absolutely just, I die, I die every time.
- My question is, we do not know
which one is Dracula's coffin.
- Oh, you do know.
- [Zac] We do? Oh.
- [Jasmine] Yes.
- [Erika] It's the big one.
- [Izzy] Is it the center?
- [Zac] It's the big one in the center?
- [Jasmine] Yes.
- [Zac] That makes sense.
- Remember that whole part
where I poured my heart out
and said he has this thing
cast a shadow over his coffin
because sunlight's-
- [Zac] Right, right,
right, right, right, that makes sense.
- Remember how I-
- Sometimes you create a narrative
for no reason, I feel like.
- [Jasmine] Yeah yeah, mm-hmm.
- My bad, my bad.
- [Jasmine] Yeah, it-
- My bad.
- I didn't take it personally,
Zac Oyama, you're fine.
- She's uh...
- She used your whole name.
- Ooh, the whole name.
- (Sighs) It's your turn,
by the way, with that 20 initiative.
I'm so happy for you.
- [Zac] Awesome.
- Go ahead. Do what
you're gonna f*cking do.
- Well, I'm sorry.
I use my action and my
bonus action to apologize.
(Jasmine laughing)
I'm going to, I think... (sighs)
I am going to...
I will cast fly on myself again.
- [Jasmine] Mm, yes.
- Horribly little baby-boned
wings pop out of my shoulders.
(grunts) And I will take
Dracula down to his coffin.
- Ooh, all right.
You fly down, directly down.
You have more than enough
flight speed to do it.
You see a strange small man
with an S embroidered
on to his house uniform
sobbing near the coffin.
And you place Dracula inside.
- My Dark Lord, time for a nappy-poo.
(Carlos chuckles)
(Erika laughs)
That's what he has said
to me many, many times.
- And as you do, the coffin kind of,
the dials around it begin to move.
The outer ring comes up.
The center ring goes down.
And you hear a strange rushing.
Almost the entire earth moves a bit
when he is placed in his ancestral tomb.
After what seems like an eternity,
the coffin rises back up.
- [Izzy] Oh sh*t.
- [Zac] He's...
- And the tomb begins to
open. (mimics creaking)
And what comes out looks
like a strange, twisted,
horrid version of your
best friend, Count Dracula,
that you have ever seen.
In his eyes you see almost no recognition
but a strange, ravening hunger.
- [Izzy] Uh-oh.
- [Jasmine] His eyes
don't even recognize you.
They don't even mark you.
- Oh no. Something bad's happening.
Uh oh. Oh no.
- [Zac] I f*cked up.
- [Carlos] Ooh, oh.
- [Zac] I think I f*cked up.
- [Izzy] Wait-
- [Carlos] Things went from bad-
- [Izzy] That looks like Einstein.
- [Carlos] To very bad.
- Oh no!
- [Izzy] A goblet?
(Erika gasps)
- What is happening?
- [Izzy] What's happening?
- What is going on?
- Are you a mixologist? What's going on?
- [Erika] They're marked for blood!
Oh my God!
(Carlos screams)
- What's happening?
- Is this a timer? Is this sort of like-
(Erika screams)
Sand in an hourglass or?
- [Carlos] Can she hear us?
- Drinking potion.
(Erika screams)
Jasmine, Jasmine!
- [Erika] Jasmine! (shouts)
- Snap out of it, Jasmine!
- Jasmine, please.
- You've been hypnotized!
- Why didn't they give you one big bottle?
- [Carlos] One big bottle!
- Instead of a bunch of little ones!
- Oh God!
- [Zac] They're so small!
- So much work!
Another one? Okay.
- I guess it's tincture time.
- [Carlos] We're just doing this, I guess.
Did you buy a dozen?
- We're powerless to do anything.
- I'm going to give you a small hint.
Wetzel, you see as the
small Setzer is grabbed up
by his former Lord Dracula...
- [Izzy] Oh sh*t!
- Who doesn't even recognize him.
He rips out his throat,
drinking in his blood.
It streams down his face.
- [Izzy] Setzer?
- [Zac] He's eating our friends.
- Setzer is no more.
(player gasps)
But his hunger...
(liquid pouring)
- [Carlos] Dad?
- [Jasmine] Lessens just a bit more.
- (screams) Feed the
beast, feed the beast!
- [Zac] Something else, though.
- Dr. Aleksandr.
- [Erika] Oh my God.
- So it's not even like
he's turned. He's gone.
- [Carlos] Now he's thinking-
- He is gone.
Give me-
- [Izzy] Turned?
- An intelligence check.
- [Carlos] Oh, he's using
beast mode. He's healing.
- [Zac] Probably pretty good...
- That was my thought
that we want to but what if it-
- Three.
- You have no clue. Is
he sick or something?
Actually, there is a moment
where you think this isn't Dracula.
Something else must have come out.
- A big bug!
- (laughs) Something else must
have come out of his coffin.
- [Izzy] It looks like a damn bug.
- There's no way he
would ever act like this.
- That is bad.
- Can I try and figure
out what's happening?
- [Jasmine] Definitely.
- Oh yeah, can I do that, too?
- Yeah, give me investigation checks.
Or actually in this
case, perception checks.
- [Carlos] 15.
- Can mine be investigation?
- Yeah, well, your specialty
is kind of analyzing the situation
so definitely can be.
- Yeah, 27.
- With a 27.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah, you actually remember something
from studying under Count Dracula
because you also studied Count Dracula.
And one of the things you
learned about vampire physiology
is that when a vampire is driven
to great physical sort of,
when a vampire is mortally
wounded and is not fed properly,
until they are fed to completion
they lose their minds.
Their body goes into a survival state,
and that is where Count Dracula is now.
He is more beast than man.
- We need to fill him to completion?
- Something in him has awakened.
Almost a survival instinct.
- He had a nice,
refreshing Setzer. (laughs)
- [Jasmine] Yes.
(players laughing)
He had a nice, refreshing Setzer.
- A pamplemousse Setzer.
- But this was just a refreshment,
and he requires more
to come to his senses.
- [Erika] Huh.
- Until then, he will see you
as nothing more than blood bags.
- [Izzy] Okay...
- Could I have moved Zarb? Sorry.
- [Jasmine] Yes, of course.
- I want to move Zarb five,
10, 15, 20, right here.
- [Jasmine] Yeah, mm-hmm.
- [Zac] And I'm gonna do my fetid,
I'm gonna take a big, old fart right here.
(fart resounds)
(players laughing)
- [Jasmine] Love it!
- [Zac] A horrendous
just to try to block the cannon,
obscure the view of that.
- [Izzy] Beautiful.
- [Jasmine] Oh. (laughs)
- [Zac] And make a DC 11
constitution saving throw
or be poisoned to the
start of their next turn.
- They don't make it.
- Hell yeah.
Hopefully that will like...
And it says it is...
The gas spreads around corners
and the area is lightly obscured
so hoping that helps with cannon stuff.
- Okay, fantastic.
- [Carlos] What spells do you-
- And I guess go into Form of Dread-
- [Erika] Oh, Cackle.
- With my bonus action.
- Okay, so I can get that
again, the target is poisoned?
- DC 11 constitution saving throw
or be poisoned until the
start of its next turn.
- Fantastic, okay. So it now is poisoned.
That means it'll have disadvantage on it.
Razvan will have disadvantage
on his next attack.
- [Zac] Cool.
- Mm-hmm because let me check.
- This is, "while poisoned in this way
the target can take either an action
or a bonus action on its turn, not both,
and can't take reactions."
- Amazing, okay, gotcha.
- And then Form of Dread for
my bonus action. (growls)
- Fantastic, your head elongates one more.
- [Zac] A big bug!
- Zarb farts and also stands
in front of the cannon.
(Jasmine laughs)
- Zarb, awesome.
It ain't gonna be bad, I promise.
- Dr. Aleksandr.
- Okay, who do these people
in front of me seem like?
Bad, hate them?
- [Zac] Antiquers?
- I'll give you a bit of a-
- [Izzy] These are all antiquers?
- The people that have
the red numbers on them.
- [Izzy] Okay.
- Are antiquers.
- [Izzy] Okay.
- [Jasmine] And the people
that have black numbers
on them are house staff.
- Okay, great.
- Whether or not you wish
to allow these people
to suffer a horrible, horrible demise
in the jaws of Count Dracula
is completely up to you,
wonderful Fang g*ng.
- Oh brother.
- Aleks, sh*t, f*ck.
Aleks...
- You guys are stressed.
Are you guys stressed?
- I-
- Not me.
- I dig this so much.
- Am I the villain?
- This is so good.
- So much.
There are four games going at one time.
- Yeah.
- Feed Dracula.
Don't get k*lled by Dracula.
- Aleks-
(Jasmine laughs)
- Save Dracula, k*ll people.
- Shut up, shut up, shut up.
Aleks is gonna go over here
and start taking out his
flame thrower and go,
"Oh no, so hard to take out my
flamethrower. Oopsy-doopsy."
- (laughs) Not the f*cking "Oopsy-doopsy."
- "Uh-oh." And he's
gonna just sorta knock...
- That guy.
- Paperboy hat.
- [Jasmine] Uh-huh.
- Over to Dracula.
- Yeah, give me a, I guess
this would an acrobatics check.
- [Izzy] Is it an action?
Is this an action?
- I would say yes.
- Okay, well then f*ck that.
- [Jasmine] It would
count as a melee attack.
- Okay, f*ck that.
- [Jasmine] It's not a-
- [Izzy] I want it to be like-
- Is pushing a guy off a bridge an action?
- [Jasmine] Okay yeah,
it would count as like a-
- [Carlos] Twice?
- You'd be like, attacking
him in a melee fashion.
- [Izzy] Okay, okay, okay.
Forget it, forget it, forget it.
- [Carlos] Oh, that was
just an oopsy-doopsy.
- [Izzy] Forget it, forget it, forget it.
Then he's gonna, excuse me, May.
- [Jasmine] This is a new day.
- [Izzy] Yeah.
- So I do wanna remind everyone
that things have refreshed.
- Oh yeah, burn baby burn.
- I've been waiting.
Oh, I've been waiting for this encounter,
and I'm just so excited.
- And Aleks is going
to blast his flamethrower
right into the methane
of Zarb's fart cloud at Zarb.
- At Zarb?
- No, at Razvan.
- You can k*ll Zarb if
you want. I don't care.
- [Jasmine] Yeah, it's gonna
hit everyone in that area
including those two antiquers.
- It's only a five,
no, it's 60 foot range,
it's five-foot sphere.
- I thought like with
the gas though, it goes.
(Jasmine mimics gas exploding)
- Oh.
- [Jasmine] Didn't we have it-
- I think we had, yeah-
- Oopsy-doopsy.
- At one point it did that.
- (laughs) Oopsy-doopsy indeed.
All right, go ahead and roll your damage.
I'm gonna roll a dex save.
You roll a dex save for Zarb.
- Come on, Zarb.
- And is Razvan a vampire?
- He is. You discovered that
on the last encounter with him.
Razvan rolls a 14.
- 13.
- That's not gonna make it.
- [Jasmine] Okay, perfect.
- 13 for Zarb.
- Neither of those are
gonna make it. Sorry, Zarb.
- Zarb's uh...
- Zarb's okay.
- Zarbs on the barb.
- So it'll just be the 2d6 plus five,
but he'll take double damage from fire.
- [Izzy] Okay.
- But Zarb won't
because Zarb's not a vampire.
- Okay, any extra because
it's a big fart cloud?
- That increased the range.
- Okay, great.
Seven plus five is 12.
- 12.
- [Jasmine] 12.
- Times two is 24.
- The fire goes streaming
out of your flamethrower
into that little foyer.
It has an expl*sive reaction
with Zarb's fart cloud,
dousing everyone in the
vicinity with flames.
Does Zarb survive?
- Zarb has 24 HP, and he
did not take double damage
so that would just be 12, right?
- Yeah, Zarb is burnt to a crisp
but still holding onto
the front of the cannon
ready for whatever may come.
You see Razvan's hair once
again become singed at the ends,
but he also holds strong.
These two people over here fall dead.
- [Izzy] That's fine. Okay, great.
- Do you want to use your bonus action?
- Can those dead people, can
Dracula eat them or something?
- If he sees them.
- Or he doesn't like it,
if he doesn't like it cooked.
- It's fresh enough.
- [Izzy] Okay.
- It doesn't need to be,
yeah, as long as it's farm to table.
(Carlos laughs)
- [Zac] Wow, fresh.
- Then crashing through
the window you see this man
who I refer to as Toby Keith.
He is going to-
- Holy sh*t, Toby Keith is here.
- Is that a country singer?
- [Carlos] Oh, sh*t.
- [Erika] Toby Keith?
- Singer, he's a country singer.
- Ah, ah.
- 10, 15, 20 and you see him.
- [Izzy] That's Keith?
- Toby Keith.
- Is it Keith from "The Bridge"?
- [Jasmine] No, it's Toby Keith.
- Or a different Keith?
- It's a different.
Lots of people are named-
- [Izzy] It's not our friend-
- No, this is Toby Keith.
- [Izzy] Okay.
- That's just Keith.
- You see what you're doing though, right?
- [Jasmine] No, but that's Keith.
- [Carlos] Keif, Keif.
- That's Keith Er and this is Toby Keith.
- [Carlos] Keith Er, there's
an F and there's a T-H.
- [Erika] Keith Er Southland.
- Mr. Er, yeah, Keith Er.
- You know what you're doing.
- Keith Er Southland. His
middle name is Er, you know?
- Keith Er Southland.
- And this is... (laughs)
- [Erika] Bye.
- We had to finish without her, I guess.
They tried everything they could.
- [Zac] We made it two turns in the round.
- I don't want to be associated
with making fun of this.
- And you see him stand
menacingly on the balcony
and say, "Let's get things cooking."
I'm gonna roll a d4.
- I already made the fire.
- I thought he was gonna
say, "Let's get dangerous."
- And he spawns three swarms of insects.
- [Zac] Oh no!
- [Carlos] Oh!
Wait, oh no, I was thinking of bats,
the three swarms of bats.
- [Izzy] That happened.
- If that was the same guy.
- Are insects bad for vampires?
- I don't love them.
- Digestive.
- No, they generally have control
of the weird swarms of creatures.
- And here.
So these strange insects come
streaming out of the case
in his hands and go into
their different locations.
You see them swirthing and writhing
on the spaces that they're on.
You see their jowls kind of dripping
with a strange, noxious substance.
And then it is Wetzel's turn.
- Cool, so does Wetzel know what is,
did you say anything about like,
what you know about Dracula.
- I'll shout it out.
- [Carlos] Okay, cool.
- Feed him!
- [Carlos] He's feeding, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Wetzel, super shocked after
seeing Dracula like this.
Oh my God, master!" (gasps)
And then realizes he has to feed him
and also not die by him and
also not get him k*lled so...
- Easy job.
- Easy job.
He's going to use his Striking Ground
'cause he sees these people
right in front of him.
And yeah, I'm gonna strike
the ground with my metal arm
creating a tremor within range.
Each creature other than you in the area
must make a dexterity saving throw.
On a failed save, a creature
takes 1d6 bludgeoning damage
and is knocked prone.
If the ground in that area
is loose earth or stone,
it becomes difficult terrain until cleared
with each foot diameter portion
requiring at least one
minute to be cleared by him.
- [Jasmine] They rolled a three
and they are knocked prone.
- Oh no, okay.
And what's the area of this
spell? I think it's 10 feet.
Is it 10 foot?
- It's a 10-foot radius.
- [Carlos] Okay.
- Just 'cause I don't-
- Yeah, like I smash the ground.
Everything would come out from my center.
So everything in that area
is now difficult terrain.
- [Jasmine] Amazing.
- Just move this guy.
Cool, and then I'm gonna take my movement
and get the hell out of there.
Have I been down here
before? I probably have.
And I've probably been
up on the first floor,
but probably not his area.
- Yeah, yeah.
You've seen it from
the top floor for sure.
Down here you, like I said,
you've had a bird's eye view of it,
but you're probably not as familiar
with all the intricacies of it.
- Can I quickly do a scan before-
- [Jasmine] Give me a perception check.
- Use my Roguish Scanning ability.
- [Jasmine] Yeah.
- And let's see.
(sighs) Four.
- Yeah, you look around.
You're a little startled now.
- [Carlos] Gotcha.
- You do know, based off of experience,
that there are things down here
that are definitely at your
disposal for you to use,
but you're just a little flustered
and you're not able to
take it in right now.
- Gotcha, Wetzel thinks
about it for a second.
I think about it for a second and I think
about being on the bridge
and I still have that thing,
that ribbon in my pocket.
I'm like, "Uh no, not now."
And I start running away.
- [Jasmine] Okay.
- I'll take my movement to go back up the,
I'll take my movement and the bonus action
to come back up the stairs, I think.
- [Jasmine] Go for it.
- Yeah, whatever this is.
That's probably two and one.
- Fantastic, as you
come back up the stairs
you see Razvan attempt to
clear the cannon's trajectory
so he can continue pushing it forward.
- Zarb's all crisped up
right in front of him.
- Zarb is crisped up.
Does a 13 hit Zarb?
- Ooh, yeah.
- [Erika] Oh!
- Yeah.
- 18 damage.
- Zarb's down.
- The cannonball punches
through Zarb's chest
and continues its trajectory
striking against the stairs
just below you, Dr. Aleksandr.
Zarb falls to the ground temporarily dead.
You see him kind of
collapse back into a pile
of cellular mush and begin his slow crawl
back to Squing's cranium.
- Zarb, you did great.
- [Carlos] Good job, buddy.
- All tuckered out.
(Carlos mimics slurping)
(Erika laughing)
- [Carlos] Get in my head.
- You open up the visor
and he crawls inside.
- Then Razvan is going to continue
trying to push the cannonball,
cannon, I should say,
to the left especially because Wetzel
is directly in front of him.
- [Carlos] Ooh.
- He's going to push
it 30 feet if you want
to start pushing him down
that ramp on the left there.
- [Zac] Like over here?
- Mm-hmm.
- [Zac] So that's like five, 10, 15, 20.
So like down this way?
- [Jasmine] Mm-hmm.
- [Zac] Okay, 30 feet seems like that.
- Yep, and that's gonna be his turn.
Then you hear another
voice from down below.
- Did Dracula go after you? Or did you go-
- He went immediately after
I put him into the thing
so he would go, I guess, right
after me on my turn probably.
- You see a strange
hat and a strange woman
followed by the strange hat
pop up out of this grate.
You hear her say, "Get him, my lovelies."
And and she does, you start to see rats
come swarming out of this
strange pool of green muck.
- What the hell?
No? Any takers?
- The rats are going to attempt
to feed on Dracula's flesh.
- [Zac] Oh no!
- Let's see if they are successful.
- Why does Dracula have extra arms?
- [Carlos] 'Cause he's like a-
- They are.
- [Carlos] Oh no, oh no!
- [Izzy] Oh, she's doing it!
Uh-oh.
- We didn't even have odds.
- [Erika] Oh!
- How's that?
- It's delicious.
- [Carlos] How did-
- Ew!
- [Carlos] How did they
know how much to drink?
- Your anguish is so yummy.
It's like sweet and a little tart.
- What's going on here?
- [Carlos] Yeah.
- That's Dracula's health?
- It is.
- f*cking metal as sh*t, dude.
- Yeah.
- A lot of love went into this encounter.
- Yes!
- I love props, I love props!
- Also rappelling down from the window,
he is going to attempt to fling a grenade.
Does he have line of sight?
I'm going to say yes.
At you, Squing. Give me a dex save.
♪ What if we just all die ♪
- Son of a b*tch.
♪ And hang out in hell ♪
♪ And the next adventure is in hell ♪
- 20, dirty 20.
- A dirty 20 so you'll be
taking half damage from this.
- [Zac] Okay.
♪ And all the people in hell ♪
♪ Wanna hang out with us
'cause we're so f*cking cool ♪
♪ Made a bunch of friends in hell ♪
- 20 radiant damage as holy
water splashes over you.
However, you are able to dodge
out of the way of most of it.
It does burn as it completely
bathes your right-hand side
and you take 10 points instead.
- Something very bad is happening.
- [Carlos] Oh no.
- I am, oh, I forgot to
roll my Form of Dread HP
so I will do that now if that's cool.
Okay so that is, I got 12 from that
so now I have two temp HP
so I am at 77, I believe.
- [Izzy] Who's that?
- [Jasmine] This gentleman here
who was masquerading as an antiquer
is going to try to sh**t
Dracula with a stake launcher.
- Oh, the person who
threw a grenade at me...
- [Jasmine] Mm-hmm.
- Are they within 60 feet?
Okay, nevermind.
- Yeah, you're just out of range.
This is probably, 'cause the
range of his throw is 80 feet.
I'm gonna say that is 80 feet,
but I wanted to make sure it wasn't...
- Well, I will just get
hit by a grenade then.
- Amazing, he's going
to try to hit Dracula
with a stake launcher.
- Stake launcher?
- [Jasmine] He gets a nat 20.
(Carlos yelps)
- [Zac] Jeesh.
- Well, I feel like
that's a pretty good sip,
don't you guys think?
- A nat 20? (laughs)
- But you didn't roll damage.
- But I did though.
- [Carlos] Oh no.
- What's it made out of?
(Jasmine laughs)
Tang?
- It's not Tang.
It looks thick from here.
- [Izzy] It does look thick.
- I don't like that.
- I mean like cranberry juice.
- Tomato juice.
- (laughs) Yeah.
- Mm-hmm, maybe it's a bloody Mary, oh.
- It's a V8.
- Crawling in through the
bottom floor of the window
you see a familiar face, Vladvina.
Get him, my lovely, with Bobbert.
(goose honks)
Bobbert is going to-
- Wait, I think this is not good.
- Bobbert!
- 25 and he pauses here.
And then it is Dracula's turn.
- f*cking go hard.
- Between you and the easy prey,
especially 'cause he's facing them,
Dracula takes the easy prey,
leaping deftly on these
poor fallen prone minions
and unhinging his lower
jaw and consuming them.
There is a flurry of limbs
and blood and flesh and hair and fabric.
- [Carlos] Yes! Feed the beast!
- [Zac] So he ate more
than one person that time.
- And you think this is
hotter than a werewolf.
- Feed the beast.
- (laughs) Yeah.
- I am so on board with this.
You guys don't even know.
- Look at this aesthetic.
What's a werewolf's aesthetic?
Uh, plaid and ripped jeans.
I'm sorry, if I wanted that
I'd just like, you know-
- Might as well just
be a talking dog, okay?
- Oh, like you don't?
- Let's just-
- Yeah, okay. That's, good point.
- Werewolves are just talking dogs.
- [Zac] We gotta-
- Yeah, once a month.
- Once a month.
- [Jasmine] She is going to use-
- [Erika] That dress like hot lesbians.
- The rest of his movement to...
- Is that because most werewolf things
were made in the 80s?
- Lets see, he's facing this way.
- Probably.
- [Jasmine] I'm gonna roll a secret die
to see who he attacks.
- Or maybe they're q*eer
coded. I don't know.
- [Jasmine] You see him
jump up with Spider Climb.
(Carlos groans)
Attached to the lower side of the bridge
and come over this way.
- [Izzy] Uh-oh.
- Snarls at you, May, but that
is the end of his movement.
Fortunately, May, it is your turn.
- (clears throat) May uses...
Let me clarify a point here.
Vampiric Scream, can it be
speech, or is it just a scream?
- What are you trying to do?
And then we'll base it off of that.
- Make an announcement and push people.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could do that.
- [Erika] Okay.
- Definitely.
- May clears her throat, (clears throat)
"Everybody listen up here!
All right, all you antiquers, you're here
for the authentic cultural experience
of us backwards barbarian people.
Well, now is your chance to
get up close and personal
with the Dark Lord himself
and to have a little one-on-one time.
Come, partake of our exotic foods.
Enjoy our strange customs.
Come on over to Count Dracula!"
- (laughs) Roll a performance check.
- (laughs) Great.
Oh, c*ck. It was c*ck, you all saw it!
- None of us saw it, but yeah.
- 24!
(Carlos cheers)
- 24.
I honestly don't think...
- A star is born.
- So everyone on the top floor
hears you and they see you.
And as you carry out this
perfect salesmanship,
they're all gonna move
30 feet in your direction
including these people here.
Well actually, you were
appealing to the antiquers
and this is a house servant so...
- [Erika] All the antiquers.
- [Jasmine] 10, 15...
I love this lady, by the way.
- [Izzy] She's great.
- [Erika] Oh my God.
- Shout-outs to Rick Perry.
She looks at you like,
"Oh yes, I would love to see Lord Dracula!
Oh, he's rather bony!
I thought he had a far bigger member.
That bulge is so small.
Look at how flat his a*s is!"
- He just came back to life.
Come on, give him a break.
- Stereotypes about vampires are harmful.
- "Oh, I shall step over these dead people
to try to get a closer
look at Count Dracula."
(group laughing)
Somebody help me.
- [Carlos] Oh, okay.
I thought you were like, miming it.
- [Jasmine] Thank you.
- What about that one?
- Yes. "Oh yes, indubitably, mm-hmm.
Oh yes, he does have a rather flat a*s.
I was expecting something
far more delicious."
- His a*s is way more plump
when he is at full strength!
- It's like as the blood
goes in, it starts inflating.
- Also, he's right in front
of you. This is very rude.
- It's tourists.
- [Jasmine] Did I forget anyone?
- Also he has to roll for sonic damage.
He and anybody...
- Do you want me to move these?
- [Jasmine] Yes, yes please.
"Maybe we can convert him
to the way of our Lord, Jesus Christ."
- [Carlos] The way of
our Lord, Jesus Christ.
- Three, four, five, six.
- [Izzy] And everyone's going-
- I think he stays, he has a black robe.
- [Izzy] Everyone's going,
"Dracula" probably, right?
- [Jasmine] Yeah.
- And tapping him.
- [Jasmine] Yeah, yeah.
- Is going, "Look at me."
- Yes, yes. Okay, they all move 30 feet.
And what is the damage on your scream?
- And for anybody that was in
that 15 feet, it would be...
- Which direction though?
- That way, it's...
- Is it centered on a point?
- [Erika] It's originating
from you I guess so-
- Originating from you,
okay. So it's gonna be here.
- [Erika] Well, I would move over this way
so we can miss Aleks.
- [Jasmine] All right, so-
- [Izzy] I can plug my ears.
- Yeah, and on a failed save,
okay, so they do a con save.
- [Jasmine] Okay.
- He should do a con save.
- So...
he makes it.
- Okay.
- Dracula?
- He's pretty constitutional.
- [Erika] He has to be.
- [Jasmine] The three-
- We want him to though, right?
- [Jasmine] People behind him.
- [Erika] Yeah, yes.
- I got a 15, an 18.
Rick Perry dice hit a nat 20.
- Oh my God.
- [Jasmine] All three of them make it.
- Okay, well who cares if they did.
- I mean, if he's gonna
eat them on the next turn,
I'd rather them be alive.
- 14, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, so it would have been 15 feet
so actually I don't think they
would have gotten hit anyway.
- [Jasmine] Okay.
- But he will take
half of 13 so six damage.
(Jasmine slurps loudly)
(Erika groans in disgust)
- Ah, delicious. Do you want to move?
- Yeah, I'll move away
from him behind the nuns.
So I can do 35. Actually, I'm going to...
- Give him a kiss. See
if it breaks the spell.
- No.
(Carlos laughs)
I could, no, no, gotta be
strong. Never touch your ex.
- He told her he doesn't love her.
- Yeah, but it might be the spell.
What about the spell, guys?
- Okay, um...
- [Izzy] There's no spell.
- Actually I'm gonna Spider Climb down,
and I Spider Climb down to the ground.
- [Jasmine] Okay, you are in
difficult terrain currently.
- I can make it to over
here going under, right?
Spider Climb goes here.
- [Jasmine] Y'all are
really testing that bl--
- Yeah, is that-
- [Jasmine] The attachment of those.
- The chandeliers?
- [Jasmine] The chandeliers.
- It all counts.
- [Izzy] Chandelier.
- It all counts.
If it falls, it was because
they were hanging on it.
- [Erika] I'm gonna hang on
to the, so I'm gonna be here,
but I'm gonna be hanging on to the pillar.
- A lot of thought went into this map
so you're not half wrong, Carlos.
- So I'm gonna be on the
pillar on the back side
of the pillar with my, you
know, just like sideways.
Got good core strength.
- Amazing.
So Dracula's gonna take
a legendary action.
(Erika gasps)
And devour this woman
here who's like, "Oh no!
I suppose he is rather strong
despite his receding hairline, oh!"
- One last burn before she gets eaten.
- I didn't break 'em.
- Coincidentally, her name
was Bernadette. Pretty cool
- Berna-dead.
- Ah, (laughs) smack.
(Zac mimics finger g*ns sh**ting)
- And then the doors behind
you burst open, Wetzel,
and you see this gentleman,
Rasputin, come in the door.
- [Izzy] Rasputin's here?
- [Carlos] Rasputin?
- [Izzy] To help us?
- [Jasmine] Well, it's
not the real Rasputin.
It's just a fan.
- [Izzy] Oh.
- So Rasputin comes rushing
in through the door. He is-
- On our side.
- (chuckles) I wish.
He is going to attack you
since you are closest, Wetzel.
He moves up to you if you don't mind
moving him closer to
you so I can damage you.
- [Carlos] Oh, I don't know.
- Wow.
- [Carlos] I don't know
exactly how I feel about this.
- That sounds like, very Wetzel.
- Isn't that Wetzel's thing?
- [Carlos] Rasputin, nice to-
- [Jasmine] 22.
- sh*t.
- I'm gonna-
- [Jasmine] Does that hit?
- Use my reaction to give
myself, what is it, 22?
sh*t, no, I won't use this then.
- Uncanny Dodge?
- Oh yeah, I do have Uncanny Dodge.
Yeah, thanks for the good call
right there. Uncanny Dodge.
- Ooh.
- It does hit, it does hit-
- How bad am I at D&D, m*therf*ckers?
- [Jasmine] Okay, so you're
gonna reduce his damage?
(Erika gasps)
- Yeah.
- 14 piercing damage as he attempts
to stake you through
the heart with a cross,
not realizing that you are not a vampire,
but that's not great.
- What the hell, man?
Not chill at all!
- "It is not vampire?"
- No, I, I am not vampire.
What is this?
- [Jasmine] "Get out of way."
- Get out of way?
I'm attached to you right now!
- And he is going to continue
moving down the stairs.
You will get an op attack on him.
- [Izzy] Sick.
- I go...
- Cool.
- Going this way.
- [Jasmine] Yeah, 20 feet.
- So yeah, I'm going to, if he stabbed me.
- [Jasmine] Yes.
- Can I go into...
Nevermind, I'm not
gonna do that right now.
I'll wait for that.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, I'll just...
(groans) 12.
- Flash of Genius.
- Okay.
Oh, so that turns into
a 17. That does hit.
- Okay, cool, then he takes
seven.
- Elsewhere we see popping
up out of this coffin
this gentleman come down.
- Come on, out of the coffin?
- [Jasmine] Mm-hmm.
- I'm in hell.
- Can he actually?
He can, he is going to attempt
to throw a hand grenade,
a holy hand grenade at Dracula.
(dramatic music)
He misses.
- Thank the Lord.
- Oh.
- [Jasmine] The grenade
instead lands here.
- [Zac] Oh sh*t, okay.
- Knocking this loose onto the ground.
It's the top of the round.
That was one round.
- Whoa!
- [Zac] Oh my gosh.
- [Carlos] There's a lot here.
- It is now the top of the round.
The grenade goes, clinks
off the side of this,
hits the chandelier below.
It comes with a crash down onto the coffin
right next to you, Squing.
It is your turn. What do you do?
- Can I fly?
- [Jasmine] Your flight
should still be active.
- Yes, yeah, can I-
- Did you make a con save
when you took damage?
- I did not. I took, I
believe it was 10 damage.
So I will roll for that con now.
- I have Thinking Cap.
- I rolled an 11.
- I think that's enough.
Let me just double-check.
- Yeah, and if not I can
do my Pact of Talisman.
- Okay, I also have Thinking Cap.
- What is it? Do I have to
be wearing it or is this?
- I guess so, f*ck.
- I might be okay.
- Okay.
- Yeah, thank you, though.
- Do you want me to pass
it to you when I can?
- Um...
- So you can keep flying?
- Well, hopefully I won't be
in such a bad spot next turn.
- Okay.
- But yeah, it depends on,
you have stuff you need to
concentrate on, too, right?
- For flamethrower.
- Yeah.
- So the DC equals 10 or
half the damage you take,
I was gonna say so it's the same.
- [Zac] You're probably gonna
go after these guys. Okay.
- So you just have to beat a 10.
- Okay, I rolled an 11 so.
- Okay, so yes, you manage
to maintain concentration on that spell.
You can still fly.
- Come on, baby wings!
Can I use..
my turn...
to feed Dracula?
- Yes, with your own blood?
- With other people's
whole bodies. (laughs)
- (laughs) Yes, you can, definitely.
How would you like to do so?
- Well, I'm thinking, I'm looking around.
Squing is looking around and is like,
"I think if we get Papa
Dracula up to full strength
maybe he'll come back to himself, right?"
And so I want to try to fly straight up.
Five, 10, 15, 20.
I have 60 fly.
- [Jasmine] Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- And just grab one of these tourists
and just kind of basically wood
chipper them into his mouth.
(Erika laughing)
- Give me a melee attack.
Basically a grapple.
- This is super authentic.
Melee attack, unarmed strike or?
- Yeah, basically a grapple
so it could be an athletics check.
- [Zac] Okay, I think-
- And instead of pinning them
you'll just be shoving them.
- I got an 11.
- Flash of Genius, you want it?
- [Carlos] What about your-
- I'm gonna use
my Pact of the Talisman.
- Okay.
- [Jasmine] Okay.
- Plus three so 14.
- Amazing, you just needed to beat a 12.
So you grab this man and
shove him in as he goes,
"I still think he skips arm day."
- (laughs) Oh.
- And that was my action.
My bonus actions are, I'm
not sure if I have anything-
- [Carlos] Ah, I love it.
- That's super helpful
I can do right now.
Maybe I should have f*cking
hit some of these guys.
That sucks. I don't know what to do.
- No, no, you did your job.
- I don't know what to do.
- You still have some movement left.
You still have your bonus action.
- Okay, so that was like probably-
- I will warn you that you
are also now in melee with Dracula.
- Totally.
- Yeah.
- I'm 30 feet up right here?
- [Jasmine] Mm-hmm.
- Can I fly just 30 feet into the air?
- [Jasmine] Yes.
- You could fly to a bad
guy and ready an action.
- Yeah, maybe I'll fly over,
five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30.
Is this about?
- [Jasmine] Yes, Yes. We
will call that 30 feet.
- Okay, I'll just be near that guy.
- Amazing, you wood chipper one tourist
into Dracula's mouth and fly over.
He is going to take an op attack on you.
- Dracula?
Daddy?
- He only rolls an 11.
- I have a higher armor class than that.
He didn't want to hit me.
He just felt like he had to.
- Oh, daddy.
(Jasmine coughing)
- Oh, daddy.
(Jasmine coughing)
- It's all the blood
they're making you drink.
- I know, I know!
So you just barely kind
of fly out of his reach
very gracefully as one of his four hands
tries to grab at you.
It is then your turn, Aleks.
- Okay!
(Carlos laughs)
- [Zac] Okay.
- Okay.
- Over here, are they
any bad guys near me?
- Where are you?
- [Carlos] Yeah, Rasputin.
That dude over there.
- Oh, Rasputin's bad, over there.
- [Carlos] Rasputin's right,
he stabbed me and then there's-
- But you're bad.
- Yeah, I know.
Oh God, a double negative, you're right.
- Do we know what would happen
if he drank some blood from either-
- [Zac] Oh, do you have a blood grenade?
- People he's turned or his own blood?
- Give me a intelligence
check or an arcana check.
- Oh, I have no idea.
- No clue, no idea.
Who knows, honestly?
You've never tried it and
you don't know if he has.
- To give him your blood?
- Yeah or you know, anybody's or Squing's
or anybody he's made a vampire.
- [Zac] Hmm...
- Does vampire blood count double or less?
- Because if the blood is a life,
they have some of his blood in them.
- Have you taken damage?
- No, not yet.
- Okay, I'm gonna move my flamethrower.
- Yes.
- [Izzy] To...
- These guys are undead.
And does Rasputin seem undead or?
Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
- [Carlos] He said he was.
- I see.
- I'll move it over, keep it on Razvan.
- Okay, go ahead and place it.
Razvan is gonna make a dex save.
He gets a seven.
- So you want me to roll 2d6
still and just double it?
- Mm-hmm, yes, and then
we just double the damage.
- 18.
- [Jasmine] 18 damage.
Yes, you smell Razvan's sizzling flesh
as you continue to chip away at him.
- Okay, you know what?
I'm actually gonna take
out my Unstable X-ray.
- [Jasmine] Mm-hmm.
- I've heard of a CAT scan.
- All right...
(Erika giggling)
And point it at Rasputin.
- [Jasmine] Okay.
- [Izzy] And he needs to make a con save.
- 15.
- Nope, so he takes 2d8
plus five poison damage.
(dramatic music)
Seven plus eight.
- [Zac] 15.
- [Jasmine] 15.
- 15 plus five is 20.
- 20 poison damage.
- [Zac] Wow.
- And he's poisoned until my next turn.
- [Carlos] Ooh.
- Fantastic.
As your Unstable X-ray issues forth,
you once again see his
sickly skeleton for a moment
and you start to see his
flesh start to fall off
with the radiation damage.
He does not look good.
- Fantastic!
- [Jasmine] Do you want to do anything
with your bonus action?
Do you want to move?
- I used my bonus action to-
- To move your flamethrower.
- [Izzy] Move my flamethrower.
- Did you wanna move?
- You know, I don't think
so. Is that a bad idea?
- Where are you?
You're kinda close to
Dracula. He's probably gonna-
- I am, okay, should I-
- He has legendary actions to move.
- Okay, uh...
- [Carlos] He's got
people in front of him.
- Could I jump down to the ground?
- [Carlos] Ooh.
- You would take some fall damage
unless you had a way to mitigate it.
- I don't have that.
- [Jasmine] You could still jump down.
- How much fall damage?
- [Jasmine] Okay.
- You could jump onto the chandelier.
- [Jasmine] Perfect.
- Should I jump onto a chandelier?
- I mean, that would be,
what an amazing idea!
- That's pretty far.
- Just land on May. (laughs)
- Yeah.
I'll catch you!
- Can I just jump down to here?
- [Jasmine] Yeah, you can jump
down to anywhere you want.
- Okay.
- [Jasmine] All right, fantastic.
- So I can still be burning Rasputin?
- [Jasmine] Give me an acrobatics check.
- Yi.
- To see how well you stick this landing.
- So slick.
(chuckles) Dirty 20.
- [Jasmine] Dirty 20.
- Yeah!
- Okay, so instead of
falling straight down
you definitely are able
to get some sort of like,
you're able to get some distance as well.
- Zayde's still got it.
- Yes, exactly.
And you're not gonna have
to take the full trajectory
of this damage.
- [Izzy] Okay.
- It is about 40 feet so
it'll be 1d6 per 10 feet.
- [Izzy] Okay.
- This'll be halved-
- 1d6 per 10 feet?
- But this will be halved
because you were able
to kind of duck and roll
and stick the three-point
Black Widow landing.
16, you take eight bludgeoning damage.
- [Izzy] Ugh, okay, that's fine.
- So you get basically a
heel bruise as you land
and you are able to kind
of stabilize yourself.
- Pretty cool, Sasha. (laughs)
- Thank you!
- So Aleksandr, you are able
to leap down from the balcony
and land deftly on the stairs,
accruing a minimal amount of damage
from your old knees landing
on that hard granite.
Give me a perception check.
- Oh.
17.
- That candelabra in front
of you looks interesting.
That's all I will say.
- Okay.
- It is this man's turn, Toby Keith!
- [Carlos] Toby Keith.
- He is going to,
five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30.
We're just gonna put him here.
Oh, we're just gonna put him here
so that he doesn't fall
down the stairs repeatedly.
There we go, and he is going
to attempt to conjure more
of his infernal insects and he succeeds.
- Are the insects that he
already cast still out?
- Yes, and they're going
to move on this turn.
- There's one here.
- Ooh.
- [Jasmine] He's going to place them here.
- [Izzy] I'm right here.
- [Erika] Okay.
- He's going to place them here.
He's going to move these
onto your space 'cause these swarms
can occupy the same space as a player.
He's going to move these.
♪ The rats in the castle
with the silver spoon ♪
♪ Little boy Squing and
the man in the Moon ♪
- And those affect you at the
end of your turn, I believe.
- So if I move out of
it I'll be hurt by them?
- Actually no, they can bite you.
So they are going to attempt
to bite you and bite Dracula.
I'm gonna do these one at a time.
- Guys...
- They miss Dracula.
They're not able to pierce
his old kind of flesh.
It's thin and strong like
that of a birch tree.
Same color, too. A 17.
- Hits.
- You take only four piercing damage,
but give me a constitution saving throw.
- Uh-oh...
(energy powering down)
Con save?
Eight.
- Will 13 do it?
- [Jasmine] Yes.
- Flash of Genius.
- Oh, thank you.
- You are able to resist
the effects of the poison.
You feel the little gnawing
on your beautiful shoes
and ankles as these insects
swarm around your feet,
and you see the strange green substance
emitted from their mandibles
begin to seep into your flesh,
but you are able to push through it.
- No, no, no, no. This is
silk and that's a buckle!
- Wetzel, it's your turn.
- Wetzel just got stabbed by Rasputin.
I'm gonna spin around. I'm
gonna grab this candle thing.
And I'm gonna try to stab him almost--
Well, I'm gonna go into an
Enraged Frenzy, spin around,
grab this candelabra and sneak
attack stab him in the back.
- Something interesting happens
when you pull the candelabra.
The stairs fall away.
- [Carlos] Yes!
- [Jasmine] Into a smooth chute.
- And you slide down the
stairs with it pointed at him
so you can puncture him at the bottom.
- Landing this person here.
They have to make a dex
save to see if they land it.
- [Zac] That's so sick.
- They actually do.
Grandma lands on her feet.
- Yeah
- And also sending down
Rasputin. Wait, is that Rasputin?
- No, those are the Wards maybe.
- Oh, they fall as well.
- He's right here.
- [Jasmine] Let's see.
- Rasputin's right here.
- [Jasmine] Failing their dex save.
- [Carlos] And they're on
that difficult terrain.
- And then, yes, and they're
on the difficult terrain.
And then Rasputin falls down here as well.
Nailing the landing.
- Do you fall or are you on the-
- [Carlos] Yeah, I'm on the-
- [Jasmine] On the landing.
- Slide down, get down.
f*cking, f*cking, f*cking
f*cking what's his name?
- [Carlos] I'm down there.
- Legolas, Legolas!
- But I got this guy over there.
- What's it gonna be, Wetzel?
- Oh, what the?
Bravo, me.
Ooh, you're doing a great job, Wetzel.
And then he's just looking for his mirror.
He's like, "You're doing a
fantastic. You know what, buddy?
(Zac laughs)
(Erika screams in excitement)
Everything you do is fantastic."
- That's the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen in my entire life.
- "You're a g*dd*mn genius."
- Gorgeous mirror.
- "I love you every single day."
- This is your Enraged Frenzy?
- "And you know what?
Why don't you go ahead and
k*ll that guy with the cannon?"
And I'm gonna sneak attack.
I'm still in Enraged Frenzy
and go after this guy, try to hit him.
- Go ahead and move yourself.
- Where did that come from?
(Carlos laughs)
Where did that come from?
- Yeah, I'll just move over right...
- Is it like a trick mirror?
Why can't I see myself?
- Doing.
(Jasmine laughing)
- You have to hold it closer.
- [Carlos] Oh cool, 22.
- Closer, closer.
- Oh, there I am, there I am.
- [Jasmine] There you go.
- 22!
- [Carlos] Does it hit?
- 22 hits.
- Awesome, cool.
So I get two from Enraged Frenzy.
I get four from my sneak
attack, and I just get one reg.
- Why do you get sneak attack on him?
- Because I have advantage
on my Enraged Frenzy.
- [Jasmine] Yes, yes.
- [Zac] Nice.
- Beautiful combo, by the way.
- [Zac] Nice!
- [Jasmine] Gotcha.
- [Carlos] Yeah.
- I wanted you to say it out
loud for everyone. (laughs)
- [Carlos] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was absolutely beautiful.
When I started Beautiful
Minding this thing I was like,
"Oh my God, this is fantastic, yeah."
What do I got here?
Six, nine, 12,
16...
plus four is 20.
- 20.
You deal a grievous blow to him.
He just barely is hanging on to life.
- And then I'm gonna take my bonus action
and say, "Oopsy-doopsy" and
pull the candelabra. (laughs)
- He falls all the way to
the bottom of the stairs.
- Does the cannon go with him?
- [Carlos] Oh, yeah.
- [Jasmine] The cannon goes with him.
- Does he bump into me? Oh sh*t, I go too!
- [Carlos] Oh, oh, I'm sorry!
- You go as well.
- [Izzy] That's okay.
- Give me a dex save.
Let's see if he makes his dex save.
- Okay, 15.
- He fails it and falls
prone. You nail it and land.
So you manage to keep your footing
as you slide down the stairs.
The Good Doctor proving a
little bit more dexterous
than we initially anticipated.
- [Izzy] "The Good Doctor" on NBC?
- [Jasmine] You land on your feet.
Razvan lands on the floor.
- And it looks like he
landed on some bugs.
(Carlos gasps)
- He did land on some bugs.
Let's see.
- Oh eat them, eat his face.
- [Zac] The bugs are horrible.
Maybe they'll k*ll him.
- Bugs eat him.
- [Jasmine] Landing prone.
- Gross.
- Get up his butt.
- Means his only movement
option is to crawl
unless he uses his action to stand up.
- [Izzy] And now if-
- He could, however,
still attack, but laying
on the floor this turn
will mean he will be devoured by bugs
because you have left this man
with such little HP.
- Yes!
I love it.
- He is going to roll with disadvantage
to fire the cannon while
he is on the floor.
- And does sort of sliding
down a staircase next to me
provoke an opportunity attack?
- 'Cause he hasn't left your attack range,
he's still within it so it
wouldn't provoke an op attack.
- Farter!
- [Carlos] Hm.
Ooh.
- He...
- [Carlos] Where's it sh**t at?
- Nails it.
- Oh!
(Zac groans)
- But from the angle he's at...
- He shoots it into his own d*ck.
- [Carlos] No!
(stone crumbling)
- [Zac] So, so sick. So, so sick.
- [Jasmine] Come on.
- (laughs) So sick, guys.
- Well, I don't ever wanna
do D&D with boys ever again.
(Erika laughs)
- Cartman impressions
are kinda great, guys.
- We're gonna roll some dex saves
to see who sticks the landing.
I think there's three groups of civilians.
Yeah, two civilians.
- Who doesn't get crushed by this bridge.
- Dracula nails it.
- [Zac] I knew he would.
- [Carlos] There he goes, yeah.
- He lands spider-like.
The civilian, this one here falls prone.
And the one on this side lands it as well.
I'm trying to remember who landed where.
- [Izzy] What about that b*tch?
- Okay, so these people fall prone,
and this person lands upright.
That was the person that
dropped, I believe, yeah.
All right, so this gentleman
is able to land on his feet.
The couple lands,
toppling over one another,
taking damage as they fall.
Dracula is able to stick
the landing as well,
and this large piece of
Dracula's beautiful chamber
falls with a loud crash
into the chamber below.
- [Carlos] Fantastic.
(Zac screams)
- [Jasmine] Amazing.
- Can I just say that
I've had this in my pocket
for the last three episodes
and forgot to take it out
every single time.
- [Erika] Oh my goodness.
- Can I just say that?
Anyways, go on. (laughs)
- Incredible.
- As you put away your mirror
after giving yourself your pep talk,
you see down below
Razvan, your arch-nemesis
consumed rabidly by this horde of scarabs
he has landed upon.
And he is no more.
- [Carlos] Ooh.
- Banished to hell.
- Sorry.
- Just like in "The Mummy."
- Seeing this, his companion
and loyal follower Beatrice
is driven into a rage.
(Beatrice screams)
She is going to reach into
the sewer with her bag
and attempt to fling acid at,
let's see who is in range.
It's 30 feet so roughly
half of this. This is fine.
- [Carlos] Oh, wow.
- You know what?
She can't really get
anybody from where she's at.
(hums) She can't move either.
You know what?
She's gonna spend her turn
to move her rats instead.
Okay, there's one here. (laughs)
That couple fell in rats, guys. (laughs)
- [Carlos] Oh damn.
- Oh no.
I'm sure a lot of antiquers
are used to just rats-
- They were breaking up
anyways, if I can be honest.
I was overhearing them argue.
- It's fine. (laughs)
- [Carlos] It's fine, they were breaking-
- They can die. They were
breaking up so they can die.
- They were breaking up.
Carlos told me. (laughs)
- [Jasmine] She's gonna fall here.
And these rats here are going to move.
Oh my God, I can't see sh*t.
So these are gonna move five,
10, 15 to try to block off
Dracula and then five, 10-
- Oh, if they're...difficult terrain-
- And they're each
going to try to bite him
or consume him whole
just as their master was.
- If we connect all the rats together,
can we get a rat king?
- One strikes.
- (gasps) No!
- Another sip. Little sip.
- Little sip, little sip.
- [Carlos] Little sip, little sip.
- But you see he is beset
on all sides by foes.
Then this gentleman up
here is going to jump down.
This is about-
- [Carlos] Parkour!
- 30 feet, he's going to take
some damage from the fall.
You see him stumble a bit as
he lands on the coffin below
and then he is going to attempt to chuck
that same holy hand grenade
that he chucked before.
This is going to strike Dracula
and his friend Rasputin.
- No!
- I'll be rolling dex
saves for both of them.
Rasputin makes it, Dracula does not.
- [Zac] Oh, what?
- Ooh.
Okay, well, really just
can't protect him there-
- It is now Jimothy's turn.
He is going to attempt to sh**t himself
when he looks into your face.
- Oh.
- [Jasmine] He sees a visage-
- Shoots himself?
- Of his own self.
- [Carlos] He has two b*ll*ts though.
- He's rolling at disadvantage
because you're in melee,
but in my mind it's because
in your face he sees his own.
- Hello, I'm Jimothy.
- 16.
- Meets it.
- [Jasmine] Meets it.
- No wait,
that just straight up beats it.
- Okay, it is a stake launcher.
- Oh no.
- Oh.
(Erika gasps)
- [Jasmine] You take...
- Jimothy a stake launcher guy?
- 12 plus four, 16 damage
from the wooden stake
as it lodges into your chest.
- Oh!
(stake impacts)
- Ouch!
- And then you take an additional five
because you are a vampire.
- So I took 21 total from
that so I'm at 52, I believe.
- Then you see Ludwina
command Bobbert into battle.
Honk, honk!
- [Zac] Is that a goose?
- Is that a goose?
- Oh, I don't feel great
about k*lling a goose.
- [Jasmine] He is a vampire
detector. Honk! (laughs)
- [Carlos] Well, I mean...
- Honk, honk.
- I feel like we're making a mockery
of this entire situation.
People died here! People
died in this room.
- He is Ludwina's vampire detector.
- It must be like when-
- We need to have someone checking
what people are bringing to the fight.
- Like a drug dog finding
a room full of cocaine.
- He attempts to latch
on to Dracula but misses.
May, it is your turn. Or
actually it is Dracula's turn.
Dracula is...
Oh gosh, there's so many. Okay.
One, two, three, four.
♪ Get your woman ♪
- Who wants to roll the d4?
- Two.
- He goes for Rasputin.
(Erika gasps)
- [Izzy] Sick.
- Yeah!
- Yes, eat him.
- [Erika] And...
- Rasputin's gone.
- Eat him.
- [Carlos] Heal this, Rasputin.
- He's f*cking gone, dude.
- He hits.
- Rah, rah, rah, rah,
gobble, gobble, gobble.
Feed the beast, feed the beast!
- [Zac] Oh, he does get
blood from Rasputin.
- Oh.
- Oh, this is Dracula and not the goose.
(Carlos laughs)
- [Players] Double!
- [Zac] Double the blood.
- Double blood!
- [Erika And Carlos And Zac]
Double blood, double blood!
- Rasputin's long beard is thrown
like a cloud of fluff into the wind.
As his jugular is exposed,
his throat is ripped out
and Dracula lets out a
resounding... (screams dryly)
Feasting his bloodlust.
- Yes, yes!
- Yes!
- Yes!
- It would be Rasputin's
turn, but it is not.
Actually, it's May's turn.
- All right, so May who's on this pillar
Trinitys around the side
of it and back up on top,
hanging spider-like hands
free from the ceiling.
Pulls out her knife,
slashes a cut into her palm
and lets it drop down onto Dracula.
(blood points rattle)
- Hand 'em over. Three per
vial, how many do you got?
- All 10, all 10!
- Whoa, oh!
- [Jasmine] One, two, three.
- Okay, okay.
- [Erika] Yeah!
- One.
(dramatic music)
- Feed the beast!
- Ah, I feel so good!
- Two.
- [Carlos] Oh!
- Yay!
- Two!
- Jasmine's UTI is cured!
(players laughing)
- The last one.
- [Players] Whoa!
- The last one?
- [Zac] The last vial?
- Wait, what? The last one?
- You begin to see.
- Now we got Dracula.
- Dracula's body transform
as though spurred on
by the goading insults of
that one really rich woman.
You see his sinews ripple
and they begin to bulge,
but his eyes remain the same,
full of hunger, full
of lust, full of rage.
- You see? That's what his a*s looks like.
- His a*s looks f*cking amazing!
- [Izzy] Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Giant wings sprout out of his back,
reminding you of what you could
be when you grow up, Squing,
and we see the swole
master in all of his glory.
You know that if he is
able to sate his bloodlust
from this new transformation,
he will become your beloved
Count Dracula once more
and leave this ravening beast behind.
- Oh!
- I love it.
- Monster f*ck, get in the comments!
- Do you wanna do anything
with your bonus action?
- I do, actually.
I'm going to use Quicken Spell.
I'm going to...
I'm going to use Quicken Spell
and then take a Shadow Tendril
and grab at that f*cking goose.
- Go ahead and do they roll a
save? A strength saving throw.
- Succeed on a strength saving throw
or be pulled in a line, 10
feet in a straight line.
- 10.
- Is it against-
- [Erika] Is it against my-
- [Jasmine] What's your spell save?
- My spell save, 16. They do not make-
- Bobbert the goose is
pulled in a straight line
10 feet towards you.
- Oh, and so, oop, Bobbert takes...
Takes 14 damage.
- [Jasmine] 14 damage.
- What type of damage?
- Looks like you found a vampire.
- And I guess if I'm, so I was up here.
- Does Bobbert have any blood points?
- Getting pulled up might,
and once I release him.
- Yes, he will drop 10
feet. Roll a d6 for me.
(Erika cheers)
- [Erika] Two.
- [Jasmine] Two.
- Two and I mean, he, that puts him into
and out of Dracula's-
- [Jasmine] Yes.
- Area of melee.
- It does.
At the end of your turn, Dracula
takes his legendary action
to eat this very loud goose.
It gives out its last "honk, honk."
- [Carlos] Honk, honk.
- [Jasmine] (sighs) Poor Bobbert.
- The honk song.
♪ Blame it on the goose. ♪
- And it is Perkins' turn.
- [Izzy] Perkins?
- [Carlos] Perkins?
Perkins, Perkins is going to...
There's a disaster up here.
- Now, are those nuns
still trying to get at Dracula or what?
- On your turn weren't they?
- Oh yeah, do all of the antiquers
try to make their way towards Dracula?
- I feel like because the way
now is barred they wouldn't
because there's basically a
Slip 'N Slide that's going down.
- [Erika] Well, that's true.
- [Izzy] Like easy access.
- How about the other
antiquers around him?
- Well, your shriek only
affected the ones on top.
- Oh, right.
- It can be heard.
- [Jasmine] This woman...
- It can be heard up to
300 feet, though, I think.
- I took it more as
like a, within 300 feet
and have line of sight.
- [Erika] Gotcha, okay,
gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.
- Hang on now.
- So you are within range.
Make a dexterity saving throw.
- Ooh, brother.
Okay, 18.
- [Carlos] yeah.
- 18, you're going to take
half damage from this.
- [Zac] What is it?
- A flask of holy water
comes issuing forth.
- sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- [Jasmine] Cracking against your head.
- Oh!
- Ouch.
- Look at your stupid,
little front teeth.
(Erika laughs)
- You know, it's like, kind of a bad time.
- 21 damage.
- [Carlos] Oh!
- [Izzy] Shite!
- It smacks against your
large, undulating head
where Zarb has reabsorbed
and splashes down your
face, searing your skin.
What does it smell like
as this sh*t burns you?
- You ever just like,
burnt hair, I would say.
Or if you put Silly Putty
on an induction oven.
- Oh no!
(Jasmine groans)
- But here's a question.
Do these bugs on me who are inhabiting
the same square as me take any damage?
- It's holy water.
- Are bugs holy?
I couldn't tell if they were-
- Unholy?
- You know, had any sort of-
- They seemed like a
demonic sort of conjuration.
- Yeah, they are a demonic sort of bug.
You know what? I'll allow it.
- [Carlos] They are now preachy bugs.
- They're dead. Oh, and you
are flung across the room.
- Everybody be nice to me.
- [Carlos] My head is
"Hey Arnold!" (laughs)
- The bugs fizzle at your feet.
Their carapaces separate from
their strange, fleshy bodies,
and the little grubbies
fall to the ground dead.
And you are now free of
their annoying presence.
- [Izzy] Yay.
- [Zac] Yes, thank you.
- We are once again at the
top of the round, Squing.
- Now, if I make an athletics check
can I grab this man and fly to Dracula?
- [Jasmine] Yes, you can.
- Okay, and I don't necessarily-
- You have the flight speed to do it
because I believe you
have 60 feet of flight.
- [Zac] Yes.
- So yes, you can actually
just barely make it.
- [Izzy] Barely.
- All right.
So this would just be an
opposed athletics check?
- [Jasmine] Yes.
- Okay.
I still have one of my
Pact of the Talisman.
I rolled a 19.
- I rolled a 16.
- Sick.
- Let's go for a ride!
Fly over and just drop him on Dracula.
- [Izzy] Yay.
- [Erika] Yes!
♪ One day I'll fly away ♪
(Zac chuckling)
- [Carlos] Feed the beast!
- Oh, he wood chippers him immediately?
- Chomp, chomp, chomp.
- [Carlos] Ah, chomp, chomp,
chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp.
- Chomp, chomp, chomp, another one!
Another one, he's a vampire.
- [Carlos] So close, so
close, so close, so close.
- So close, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-
- Above the line.
There are lines on the cup.
I feel like the lines have something to do
with as much blood as we need for the man.
- Unfortunately, Squing, you
don't have any movement left
to get away from Dracula.
(Erika gasps)
- That was my action, right, to do that.
- [Jasmine] Mm-hmm.
- Can I use my bonus action
to Misty Step 30 feet away?
(Carlos and Erika gasp)
- Yes, you can.
- Oh!
- [Jasmine] Yes you can.
Yes you can. Where do you Misty Step to?
- [Izzy] You misty b*tch.
- [Zac] I'm a misty b*tch.
- [Izzy] I thought you
didn't say that word.
- [Zac] You know what?
I can call myself that.
- [Erika] Misty?
(Izzy laughing)
- I will-
- From "Pokemon"?
- This is a piano. Start
playing it and draw them asleep.
- Yeah.
(Carlos laughing)
Can I go instantly to the
piano? I don't know if this is-
- Don't you want to...
- [Zac] Sorry, what were you saying?
- Yeah, that's definitely
more than 30 feet.
You could come directly up here.
- Okay, is there a bad guy in this range?
I can't really, everyone's
black and white.
- Yeah.
- That small old woman,
that antiquer.
- [Izzy] That's an antiquer.
- [Jasmine] Is a bad guy.
- They're all,
there's one here and
there's one over there.
- I've just been getting
shot by these guys a lot.
- [Erika] Toby Keith is over there.
- And I need to maybe-
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You do what you need to do.
- [Erika] Yeah, hide behind something.
Hide inside the iron maiden.
- Yeah, I'll Misty Step like here?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I don't know.
- [Erika] Yeah, you can maybe hide behind-
- Oh, he's hiding behind the nuns.
- Can I Misty Step behind the nuns?
- [Erika] Yes!
- [Jasmine] You can.
- Protect me.
- [Jasmine] Yes, you can.
- [Carlos] We're just
loving Jesus over here.
- I am also, I love what
you love and I'm also that.
- Whatever that is.
- Whatever that is.
- So you roll- (laughs)
- [Izzy] Bless Jesus.
- So you teleport up behind the nuns
and try to convince them that you're-
- Just us four nuns over here.
(group laughing)
- [Carlos] I'm not a little boy.
- [Jasmine] Aleks, yes.
- And I can use some blood points
or is that an action or a bonus action?
I forget exactly what the...
- Yeah, that was May's action.
- Uh-huh, okay.
- [Jasmine] Yeah.
- For myself, too or?
- Oh, if you want to use it
on yourself you can, yes.
- Okay, I'm gonna use
some to get some HP back.
It is two points for 2d6
so I'll do that, okay.
I get two HP back.
- [Carlos] Oh no!
- Those are unfortunate rolls.
- And that is the end of Squing's turn.
- Aleksandr.
- [Izzy] Aleksandr.
- Aleksandr.
♪ Oh, Aleksandr ♪
- [Jasmine] What do you do?
- Where am I?
Okay, I'm down there
next to Razvan's corpse.
Can I flame this b*tch?
- [Jasmine] Yeah, what's your range?
- 60.
Yeah girl.
- [Jasmine] Yes, you can.
- Yeah girl, this over to you.
- They make a dex save.
They got a six.
- 13 times two.
- [Jasmine And Zac And Izzy] 26.
- [Izzy] Goodbye.
- [Jasmine] Fall over dead.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye!
- The small little antiquer
falls to the ground.
- And then I'm going to f*cking throw
a blood grenade at Dracula.
(Erika gasps)
- So they make a dex save?
- Con.
- [Jasmine] A con save.
- But I would love for him to fail it.
- You get a 15.
- Great, he gets...
I don't know how many blood
vials this is, but he gets-
- I count them in increments of 10.
- One hit die plus five healing.
- Oh!
- Whoa!
- [Jasmine] One hit die plus five?
- Mm-hmm, and that antiquer
can take a bunch of damage, too.
- Yeah, the antiquer's
probably dead. Roll me a d12.
(players laughing)
- Absolutely crushing
these antiquers this turn.
- 11.
- 16.
(Erika gasps)
- And then like half
of another one, right?
- I did say it's in increments of 10.
- Increments of 10! (shouts)
- [Carlos] Yes!
- Oh sh*t.
Yeah, just a little bit.
(Zac laughs)
It looks there.
- So close you can
taste it, but not quite.
(Izzy groans)
That's your action and your bonus action.
Would you like to move?
- Yeah, I do.
Wait, can I jump?
Can I-
- Jump to.
- Can I just pull this?
- Pull what?
- [Izzy] Can I pull that chandelier?
- How?
- [Izzy] Jump, jump, jump on it.
- (laughs) Make me an athletics check.
- [Carlos] Yo Aleks, you got ups?
- What's your athletics modifier?
- Minus one.
(Jasmine laughs)
- For this you need and one.
- Oh, is there anything special?
- The number of feet you can jump
is three plus your strength modifier
so you can jump two feet
in the air. (laughs)
- But there's a candle next to me.
- It's like a...
- Oh, you wanna pull the candelabra?
- [Jasmine] Do you wanna pull the candle?
- Does that do anything fun?
- [Carlos] Oh.
- Do you wanna try?
- Yeah, I wanna do something fun.
- [Jasmine] You pull the candelabra.
- Uh-huh.
- [Jasmine] And there's no longer a ramp
on the left side of the map.
- [Carlos] Oh cool, stairs!
- [Jasmine] But rather stairs.
- [Izzy] Can I go up it
or was that my movement?
- [Jasmine] Yes, you have movement left.
- Okay.
- [Carlos] I love this, okay.
- One, two-
- [Carlos] Oh, what does
this candelabra do by me?
- Three, four, five, six.
(Carlos laughs)
(Zac shouts)
Yeah, you just keep-
- [Jasmine] Fantastic.
Toby Keith is going to take his movement.
- [Izzy] And fall to his death.
- He is going to attempt
to hit that chandelier.
- [Carlos] Oh damn.
- Come on!
- [Carlos] We hit that chandelier.
- He whips out a crossbow.
- [Izzy] But he has no idea what it does.
- He takes aim.
- [Izzy] It could f*ck him up.
- [Carlos] Welcome to my-
(crossbow impacts)
- [Jasmine] He hits.
(chandelier crashes)
- [Zac] Where did that fall?
(Jasmine mimics chandelier crashing)
(Jasmine sighs)
- I feel, I... (laughs)
Izzy's like, "No, it doesn't hit."
- What are you thinking?
- Well, I'm thinking
it should hit Dracula.
- But it didn't.
- But I mean, it would
at least hit his foot.
- [Izzy] It fell right in front of him!
- [Jasmine] But like, it's
touching. It's touching the base.
- His toes!
- You just moved it to touch the base.
- [Jasmine] But, no, the side-
- I saw it fall, it didn't-
- [Jasmine] I think...
- [Carlos] Things bounce.
That's where it landed.
- You know?
- Even to hit him, odds it didn't.
- Evens it hit him, odds it didn't?
- Doesn't he get a dex save?
- Roll, roll, roll.
Evens it hit him, odds it didn't.
- Oh, but it really, if it
hits him, it really hits him.
- [Jasmine] Do it.
- No, what are you doing?
- [Carlos] It super hits him.
- What are you doing?
- [Jasmine] Yeah, this isn't, this is-
- [Carlos] I just love this stuff.
- It's an even! (laughs) It's a 10.
- [Zac] Aw.
(Carlos groans)
- It hits him.
- Whatever.
- [Carlos] Oh, it super hits him.
- f*ck all you guys. It didn't matter.
- So how much did you
say it hits him, Carlos?
Just out of curiosity.
- 7-Eleven Big Gulp.
- [Izzy] Are you drunk? Is that a cosmo?
- It's a 7-Eleven Big Gulp.
- You don't have to drink right now.
- Oh my God, I freaking
wasted a spell slot.
- What? Oh.
- Did you? Because that would
have happened either way.
And then he probably would have devolved
back into spider form.
- [Izzy] Butterfly effect.
- Butterfly effect.
- [Jasmine] But you know what?
- He turns into Ashton Kutcher!
- It is the end of Toby Keith's turn.
- [Izzy] Okay.
- Dracula is going to
use his legendary action.
(people screaming)
- [Izzy] Okay.
- [Jasmine] To eat.
- [Izzy] Fantastic, two people.
- [Jasmine] These two people.
- Yes!
- So that's gonna be, that's gotta be.
We got a half.
- We gotta get there.
We gotta get there. That's
two, we're gonna get there.
(dramatic music)
We're right back where we were.
- It's so close.
- We still have another half to go.
- We have another half to go.
- [Izzy] Wait-
- 'Cause that was only half a vial.
- [Carlos] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(Izzy gasps)
(dramatic music)
(liquid splashing)
- Yeah! That's it.
- Are we counting buoyancy?
- What if I spit in it?
What if I cut myself and
put my actual blood in it?
- And we'll light it?
- Yeah.
(Jasmine laughing)
- [Carlos] Advantage.
- You'd get maybe mouth
herpes, I don't know.
- Is that transferable,
like for blood? No!
- [Carlos] I don't know.
- No.
- Wetzel, it's your turn.
- I would like to give
Dracula mouth herpes. (laughs)
- [Izzy] I think we all think about it.
- I mean, don't we all?
- Is that okay?
- He's got it. (laughs)
- Yeah, I wanna up on this-
- [Zac] Dracula for sure has it.
- This person right here,
this little feather in the cap person and-
- [Izzy] Is that a villain?
No.
- No, that's a regular person.
- Well, antiquers, you know...
- Are less than people.
- [Carlos] Yeah, that's true.
That's very true.
- [Erika] f*ck antiquers.
- They're probably just
trying to flip it, you know.
- I wanna push but use my extended arm
to kind of throw him to Dracula in that.
- Yeah, give me a strength
check or an athletics check.
- Cool.
Ooh, I still have
advantage on it, too, okay.
22.
- It works.
With your sort of newfound rage,
you come charging at this poor antiquer
who's examining this retro bicycle.
- [Carlos] I'm so sorry,
I have to feed the Master
He's so hungry!
- And do you wanna throw her...
- Into his mouth.
- Into his mouth.
That's so far.
- If you come up here,
you can hit her and pendulum.
- (laughs) Oh, can I swing down?
Can I go 10, swing down and
go (shouts) and drop her?
- [Jasmine] Oh, do you
wanna take her with you?
- Yeah, like use my arm to like-
- Do an Indiana Jones.
- Yeah, swing and drop her.
- [Jasmine] Yeah, if you move,
you can definitely take her with you.
- Okay, yeah, let's do that.
- [Jasmine] Awesome.
- So I'll wind up on this side,
and we'll just drop her right
in front of me and Dracula.
- You wood chipper her in.
- It's gonna happen.
Daddy's home.
- [Zac] Daddy's home!
- [Izzy] There you go!
(players shouting)
- [Jasmine] It is just enough.
- I would absolutely say
the meniscus is over that.
- Okay, that is a good amount above.
- [Carlos] I think Rick's
in the air right now.
- [Izzy] Are you gonna drink it?
- [Carlos] I think we can
get him to turn it around.
- Why? Why are you drinking it?
You're gonna chug it.
This is so weird.
- [Erika] Chug, chug, chug.
- You're gonna drink the whole thing.
- Chug, chug, chug.
Take it easy on the gin Hennessy.
Take it easy on the gin Hennessy, come on.
- [Zac] That's so much.
- Does anyone else think
Jasmine has a problem?
(players laughing)
- It's splashing.
- [Erika] Yeah!
- [Izzy] You freak.
- [Carlos] If she turns into
Brennan Lee Mulligan right now
I'm gonna scream.
(dramatic music)
(energy reverberates)
What?
(suspenseful music)
- Oh, hello loves.
How are you, my kittens?
Sorry, I'm just not
myself when I'm hungry.
- I've been there.
- Oh, yes.
(Erika sighs contentedly)
- You all look so weary
and tired. Are you okay?
- [Erika] We are-
- No!
- We've been through some stuff, for sure!
- You know, we've been better.
- Things are very bad!
- A lot of bad stuff going down right now!
- Everyone is trying to
k*ll us in this room and-
- More people are coming, certainly.
- [Erika] Or trying to take our stuff.
- It's been hell without you.
- Hm. You see his eyes kind
of glow white for a moment.
You hear all of the wolves
outside Castle Dracula
howl at once, and you
hear his voice reverberate
throughout this tomb.
Leave.
As he does, the very pillars
of Castle Dracula shake.
You feel the psychic thrum in the air
and almost as if compelled
by a supernatural force,
everyone leaves the castle,
leaving you alone with Count Dracula.
(epic music)
(chorus vocalizing)
- Everyone?
- Everyone that is bothering you.
- f*cking Toby Keith?
- Bye, bye.
- Toby Keith is gone.
- [Zac] Bye.
- Daddy's home.
- Bye, told you.
- No one's going to bother
my kittens in my home.
So do we retreat to the
study, have a glass of wine?
I feel like we have a lot to talk about.
So much to talk about.
- Fine, fine.
- Yes, I... (chuckles)
- Wine, vodka, sounds incredible.
- [Jasmine] Come.
- I have to say, I believe
more people will be coming.
- Well then, we shall take care of them.
- Oh my God, he's so cool.
- f*cking so cool, right?
- Just the delivery on that.
- I always forget,
and I've known him longer than anyone.
- Thank you for feeding me.
- Our pleasure.
- [Jasmine] I was so hungry.
- Do you want more blood?
- No, I'm sated for now.
- You ate Setzer by the way. I don't know.
- I always preferred Wetzel.
He had a little more personality.
- I mean, yeah, of course.
I mean, that guy, he
was barely half a vial.
- He was very good at his job, though
so I'm gonna need you to hire a new one.
I'm anticipating that you'll start
taking applications tomorrow.
- Um...
- "May, we're gonna need
to change the decor,
especially in the foyer" he
says as he begins walking.
- I think May may have a higher position
in the house from now on, my Lord.
- I agree some reorganization
could be in order.
- And I think you owe Wetzel something
other than just a, get back to work.
- Oh, uh, we don't,
we don't have to talk
about that right now.
- I think it's a good idea.
- Yes.
May grabs the mirror. It's like...
- We don't have to, ooh, ah.
Kinda hard when you're
looking right at me.
I really should, I should
say something but uh, yeah.
So here's the thing.
(soft music)
If this is the price...
I don't know, I don't know
if this is really for me.
Look at all the people that
they hurt that you love.
And it doesn't bother you.
All these people coming after you
that you say you loved at a certain point.
It still doesn't bother you.
They want you gone.
Maybe this was just too much.
There's too much time here.
You know, people say life is short.
- Give me your hand.
Wetzel, my dear friend, there is no rush.
Take all the time to think that you want
for my life is endless.
(soft music)
- Yeah, yeah. If it happens, it happens.
There's um...
There's just gotta be an
end. This can't be forever.
I don't want people picking
through my stuff at the end.
I just wanna be gone.
And he just kinda trails off to himself.
- If you change your mind, I
could probably bring you back.
- Listen, I mean, that's the thing, like,
I don't wanna live my life like that.
Live my life like it doesn't matter.
There's only one thing
that's supposed to matter.
- You're a dangerously intelligent man.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
(Erika laughs)
Yeah, I am.
- Well, not a man but...
- Right, I'm a vampire.
It's easy to get confused about that.
- I have someone I'd like you to meet.
- I was going to ask if
any of the rest of you
had demands of me, but
rather than a demand
this is much better.
Yes, my Good Doctor.
- And I guess I, you know,
if we wanna go to the study.
- I think we should all
reconvene in my study,
and any demands you have of
me, present them to me now
and allow me to think on them
and I'll give you my answer at midnight.
Come to my study. Bring this
individual you want me to meet.
Bring your answer, for now,
Wetzel. What about you, Squing?
- I have thoughts and I think
that you've done obviously
an awesome job here.
Look at all the stuff.
Look at the people you've
collected and eaten
and sort of just have running your place.
You experienced a new world.
I just would love to hear about that
and if that was fun or whatever and...
And he's very nervous like, I just think
that there's a benefit to sometimes
sort of a restructuring of things
where like, you're obviously
in charge in a lot of ways,
but I think, I don't
know, I just wanna say
that maybe they should be in charge
and you're sort of a figurehead, you know?
Like when a CEO is like a
puppet regime sort of situation
and then the other person's
actually in charge.
I think May did a really good job here,
and I think that, you know, or you know,
I can still be the second in
command to May or whatever.
I don't know.
- Read this at your leisure.
- The most confident I've ever seen him.
- That's f*cked up. I thought
I was so more confident.
(Carlos and Erika laugh)
And yeah, that's all I got.
- Whoa.
- I don't know if the
lack of sorries was...
- He just told-
- I can't read him at all.
- He just told him off!
- This is my first time getting a letter.
- No one writes Dracula. (chuckles)
- We cut away to Dracula
carefully reading this alone
in his study while awaiting
you at the 11th hour.
(pensive music)
"My Dearest Count, you
are the love of my unlife.
I will always be grateful
for all you have given me,
a home, a strange family,
and perhaps most importantly
the time and space to find my voice.
I wish you had been
freer with your emotions
and communication with me,
though that is something
you clearly need to work
on with others as well.
Also, the sex could have been better."
- Wow.
- [Jasmine] "Or like, happened at all
for the last two years."
- Oh God. (groans)
- [Jasmine] "I was promised blood orgies."
- Okay, here we go.
- (sighs) "And lots of
weird dungeon stuff."
Oh good gods, May.
"I may have a banging hot body forever,
but seriously, what a waste."
- Totally that banging body part.
- [Jasmine] "Go to therapy."
(Izzy laughing uproariously)
- He didn't read it,
but there's an exclamation
point at the end of that one.
♪ Erika's written ♪
- It's all capitalized.
- It's all capitalized.
- Wow.
♪ She's written a letter to
everyone she's ever met ♪
- "I know it's a very new field of study,
but definitely worth checking out.
I believe everyone can
change for the better,
and I'll be here for you as your friend.
Yours forever, May."
(pensive music)
I didn't think I was gonna get a letter.
- (laughs) You had to!
- (laughs) Thank you, Erika.
Who all convenes at the door
to Dracula's study at 11:58 PM?
- Yeah, I don't go. I
don't think Wetzel goes.
(Erika gasps)
- Where does Wetzel go?
- Wetzel goes to meet Drago.
- [Jasmine] You find Drago
sitting on one of the spires
of Castle Dracula looking
out wistfully at the Moon.
- Um, hey buddy, how's it going out here?
- On cold nights like this,
I think about what it would be like
to have hypothermia grip my body
and release me from mortal coil.
- Oh... (exhales softly)
I hear it's nice.
(Zac laughs)
It's like going to sleep.
- Peaceful way to go, yes.
- Yes, that's definitely the way to go.
We just sit there awkwardly
for a little bit. (laughs)
Um, so uh... (exhales softly)
What do you got going on tomorrow?
- Just looking at finding
us some new demon steeds,
probably fixing carriage,
probably getting carriage out
of ditch carriage fell into.
- Right on, right on. That's cool.
I think I'm gonna take off.
(tender music)
- Really?
- Yeah, I think I'm gonna go.
I think I just feel like, whew.
I just feel like there's a lot of um...
It's like everyone in there,
they're just gonna be in
there for a while, you know?
It's like the same thing
over and over again.
Same stuff.
People just die and come
and go and it's just like,
I thought about it.
I was just like, I saw this giant room
of all this stuff that he had collected
and I just thought to
myself, "I've seen nothing.
I've really done nothing."
And let's say I live a little
bit longer and that's all good
and let's say everything's fine
for a couple hundred years,
what do I have then?
None of it means anything.
- Yes, things are meaningless
if you have no one to share them with
and no stories to tell about them.
- [Carlos] Yeah!
- Human beings really are
collection of stories.
I am probably a short
poetry book about misery,
but at least it means something.
- It like, means nothing
if you got no endgame,
if there's no fear at the end.
Every day, every day of your life
should just be like a sprint,
a race to the f*cking end!
- A run to the coffin.
- A f*cking coffin run!
- I will miss you, Wetzel.
In this castle, you made me
feel like main character.
(tender music)
- If there's one thing I learned...
He dusts himself off, stands up.
You could always be a
main character tomorrow.
Wanna come with?
- Together?
- Yeah.
Yeah, just uh, just you and me.
- I always wanted to see Cairo.
- Whew!
That's in my top three!
- [Jasmine] Really?
- Top three.
- I would love to go.
- All right, yeah. Better than this dump.
And kinda starts walking away with him.
- Drago follows you and
says, "I should get hat.
I heard Cairo sun, very hot."
- Oh yeah, super hot. We're gonna burn up.
We're not even gonna survive.
We got no freaking plan out here.
f*cking feels amazing!
- You know, I hear there
are mummy in Cairo.
- [Carlos] Mummy?
- Do you think we could k*ll mummies?
- One thing at a time,
Drago. One thing at a time.
- He puts his hand on your back and says,
"We'll do it for the story."
- Oh, sweet, yeah, yeah.
- And you see two silhouettes
take off down the road
leaving Castle Dracula.
(Jasmine squeals)
(Erika screams)
- I'm gonna freak out!
- You gotta freak out.
- That was so good and satisfying!
- That was so good.
(Jasmine laughing)
That was good.
(Erika screams excitedly)
- You might have to cut
an edit out, I'm sorry.
I don't know. I am... (hums)
- Are we all watching
that from the window?
- [Carlos] Oh sh*t-
- The three of us.
- [Erika] Yeah, oh my God!
- [Carlos] Oh sh*t.
- Oh my God, oh my God,
they're walking away together.
They're walking away.
- [Erika] Yeah.
- [Izzy] Into the dusk together.
(Erika screams)
Oh my God.
- I'm freaking out!
- Oh my God, oh my God.
Oh my God, oh my God. Marina, Marina!
- They're so beautiful! I love that!
- That is the most precious
thing I've ever seen.
It reminds me of you when
you and I eloped, my love.
- Kiss me!
- She kisses you.
- Oh, we gotta send 'em
a little care package
when they get to Cairo.
- Yeah, it's very sweet.
Are they just gonna walk to Cairo?
(group laughing)
- Well, doesn't everybody?
- Yeah, I hope they use a carriage.
I hope we can get him a carriage.
- I hear there are amazing tubes
that can take you to new places.
- I'm too old for that. (laughs)
- And you stand as you hear the old clock
in the foyer strike midnight.
(clock bell rings)
The door to Dracula's study,
you hear the latch click as it unlocks.
The door unlocks.
It slides open silently
as though by some strange
telekinesis, for Dracula stands
at the opposite side of
the room by his desk.
Are you ready?
(fantasy instrumental music)
I think you wanted me to meet someone.
He just sort of...
- [Jasmine] I should stand up.
- Gestures to Marina.
- Many times while poring over your work,
I would hear you mutter about her beauty,
but we need to get you into
some literature classes, Doctor,
because they all pale in comparison.
"Our home is your home,"
he says to Marina.
- That's very kind of you.
We also have 15 sons
and an adopted daughter
who's already in the castle.
- We'll make some arrangements.
- Fantastic.
- Is this werewolf thing
gonna be a problem?
- She's a werewolf.
I can make a potion!
- I would appreciate that greatly.
We've been friends with
werewolves in the past.
I don't see why we
couldn't be in the future.
As for the rest of you...
(solemn instrumental music)
I have prepared my last
command for all of you.
(scroll rustles open)
I, Count Dracula, of sound mind
and gorgeous body.
- Of course.
- Leave my castle and my
household in the care of May,
May Wong, to be entrusted
with all matters of import
and all duties assigned to me
by the state of Transylvania.
And I appoint Lord Squing as
the minster of foreign affairs
to hold good on all our deals,
trades, treaties, and barters
with all of the factions and
honorable denizens of my state.
(solemn music)
As for me...
I suppose you deserve some answer.
I went to New York with every
intention of destroying myself
but as I was about to cast myself
at the mercy of the sunlight,
I thought about how cliche that was.
And how after living such a grand life
I had to end it in a grand way, too.
I thought in my absence you
would handle everything well,
and I see although your
successes have been many,
so have your failures.
So rather than leaving you
to the wolves, I will stay on
as your advisor and your mentor
so that you may learn from my mistakes
instead of making them anew.
- Like a puppet CEO.
- It's like a puppet CEO.
- (chuckles softly) Wow.
- Want to share what you wrote about him?
- I think now is as good a time as any.
Dracula, since, you know,
since the beginning,
since it was just you and I,
and you've introduced
me to so many new things
like wheels and tubes,
the written word, poetry.
I had said I would write
you a book of poems
all dedicated to you.
(Carlos laughs)
And I thought I would finally
share with you what I have.
Keep in mind there's been sort
of a lot going on lately so-
- [Jasmine] Understandably so.
- It's maybe not quite
as robust as I was hoping for
but there's always the future.
Dracula is... (chuckles)
(Jasmine laughs)
Dracula is...
...spectacula.
And I think that there's
really something... (laughs)
If you think about it for long enough
and you don't really examine it too hard
I think we really have something there.
- [Erika] (gasps) Truly.
- And I hope everyone
is as touched as I was.
- [Erika] Brevity is the-
- When I definitely thought of it.
- Soul of wit.
- Creating a sentiment and a literary work
in three words is a feat.
- It is, isn't it? Wow.
Yeah. (laughs)
- [Erika] (sniffles) You know-
- I have one of my own.
- No f*cking way.
(players laughing)
- Is it the same one?
(dramatic music)
- Squing
is cringe.
- Ah.
- It's so true, your nastiness!
Brilliant!
- Okay, yeah.
(Carlos laughing)
Yeah, minister of cringe.
- Minister of cringe.
- I sometimes have regarded
you as an adopted son,
but truly, you have become a man.
- Oh, it only took, I've
lost count of the years, yes.
- Eons, eons, truly a myriad.
- I remember fire dropping. (laughs)
- It was a hot drop.
- Are you all satisfied?
Well then, running Castle
Dracula is a lot of work,
and I hear there are
international monster slayers
on our tail, but I'm retired
so I shall be playing golf
in the graveyard and I
will leave you to it.
If you have any questions,
I have an open door policy.
- [Izzy] Fantastic.
- But sometimes
the office is empty when the door is open.
- Whenever you wanna just sort of come by
and do the leave thing
that you did before,
it's super helpful, super-duper helpful.
- Well, you know I am entitled
as per my government benefits
to leave every couple of centuries, ta.
- That's not what I meant,
but absolutely fine.
- You see him grab some gilded,
beautiful batwing golf clubs
from nearby the fireplace.
- That m*therf*cker is
going to Tampa. I knew it!
- Sling them over his back and
you hear his lacquered shoes
as he begins to descend the stairs,
leaving you alone in the study.
(soft music)
- Well...
- Countess.
- I think we have quite
a bit of work to do.
I would like to be a patron of the arts
in this small, little backwater
and turn it into the
jewel of Eastern Europe.
- Fantastic. Oh, I have
something I want to do as well!
- [Erika] Yes.
- Are there any bodies nearby?
- So many!
- There's gotta be. I
mean, look at where we are.
(Erika sighs contentedly)
- Okay, let me hook up some
wires. (cackles maniacally)
(thunder rumbles)
- And as the lightning cracks,
that beautiful conductor
atop the Doctor's lab
backlighting all of you to
suitable dramatic fashion,
thus concludes the tale of "Coffin Run."
- [Fang g*ng] Bleh!
- Thank you so much, Fang g*ng.
I have infinite respect for
each and every one of you.
Thank you for letting
me be your story weaver
on this, our wonderful tale, our story.
And thank you, audience, for tuning in
for "Dimension 20: Coffin Run."
(players blowing)
(Jasmine laughs)
(dramatic music)
(train whistling)
(fog hisses)
(Zarb farts)
(fire crackles)
(fire crackling)
(dramatic music)
(werewolf growls)
(impact resounds)
(Fifi barking)
(arrow smacks werewolf)
(werewolf howls)
(explosions resound)
(fire roars)
(impacts resound)
(fire hisses)
(cannon fires)
(stone crushing)
(thunder crashes)
(rain pouring)
(thunder crashes)
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14x06 - Feed the Beast
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A tabletop role-playing game show produced by and broadcast on Dropout and created and generally hosted by Brennan Lee Mulligan as the show's regular Dungeon Master.
A tabletop role-playing game show produced by and broadcast on Dropout and created and generally hosted by Brennan Lee Mulligan as the show's regular Dungeon Master.