- Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome back to dimension 20,
"the unsleeping city."
- My name is brennan lee mulligan,
And i'll be running this game
For our wonderful cast of players.
Say hi, intrepid heroes!
- Hi, intrepid heroes!
- Brennan loves this bit.
- I love this f*ck' bit, i can't lie.
Reintroducing our old friends,
Mr. Zac oyama.
- Hello.
- Emily axford.
- Hi.
- Lou wilson.
- Uh, hey!
- Siobhan thompson.
Brian murphy.
- Hey!
And ally beardsley.
- Hey.
- Wonderful, well, i'm gonna go ahead
And start to bring us to this
new land of myth and magic
That might seem eerily familiar
To some of our viewers at home.
It is a snowy blustery day.
Cold, crisp, clear skies
Over the best f*ck' skyline
Of any city that has ever
been or will ever be,
It is new york city, baby!
Snow flurries from the
sky as the wind kicks up.
We see gusts of freezing air
Blow past the chrysler building,
Down through
streets of honking cabs
And just miserable looking pedestrians
Who crowd into the tunnels
of the subways, packed.
All of a sudden, their winter coats,
Trapping them in boxes
of body odor and heat,
Stuffed together on their morning commute,
Down through the tunnels,
A blast of laundry,
mixed with hot garbage,
And the sweet smell of the hot nut stands
As we go through the hellish
wasteland of times square,
Up, up following snow again,
Over the bridge, brooklyn
bridge right here,
Through neighborhoods where families
Tuck their little bundled
infants through strollers
And walk down little lanes of trees,
Back through neighborhoods, where again,
Little corner stores sell hot bacon, egg
And cheese sandwiches
to morning commuters.
A bacon, egg and cheese sandwich,
The best thing you ever f*ck' ate.
And it costs like what,
$2.50, $2.25? That's a deal!
We follow the wind.
It's an early to mid-December
morning in new york city,
A city where so many
people dream of coming
And making a life for themselves,
And it's always felt a
little bit like maybe
Just around the corner,
There's a little bit of magic.
I'm gonna go ahead and roll
To see which of our pcs will go first.
We follow a little whisk of snow
All the way down, up through williamsburg,
Where the hipsters still dwell,
but mostly the rich people
That have now come and
displaced those hipsters,
And we arrive in a little
neighborhood called greenpoint,
Which is still an area
of bars and partying.
There's rooftop places
That have now been
shuttered up for the winter
Or those few tenacious places
That have those insane heating lamps up,
So people can still be on a rooftop bar
In f*ck' mid-December, and
we go very close to the water.
There is a dingy little doctor's office.
This doctor's office might
not be super accredited,
And it might not even be billed or listed
As necessarily a doctor's office.
It's kind of in a corner of a warehouse,
Way down by the water,
And the snow settles on a window sill,
And in a dingy, little medical office,
We see our friend, pete the plug.
Ally, could you go ahead
And describe your character for the group?
- Yeah, i'm pete.
Just let me know what
you're trying to track down,
'cause i'm sure i can get it.
I sell everything, and i
personally take even more.
There's not an errand i can't run
After a fist full of mushrooms.
- What does pete look
like? What's pete wearing?
- Pete looks almost exactly
like hunter s. Thompson,
- Pete looks almost exactly
like hunter s. Thompson,
Only young.
I'm wearing a cowboy hat.
I got on shades, like the yellow shades,
'cause they're helping me
With seasonal affective
disorder right now.
I am not doing well on the inside.
I did go through a breakup.
I did lose the one, and she's thriving,
But i'm gonna be okay,
And it's cool that i found a doctor
That is so cheap, i'm hoping?
- Speaking of which, so pete,
You are sitting on the
little roll out paper
On the thing.
You've got the phone in your hand.
This is your personal phone
That actually has smartphone apps on it.
It's not your business phone.
- Got it.
- And you're looking at your
text history with priya and-
- Of course i am.
- It's not looking great.
It's a big wall of you with
timestamps kinda going back
It's a big wall of you with
timestamps kinda going back
For a couple weeks.
- Yeah, i said, "and one
more thing," a lot of times.
I probably just should have
started writing these things
In a note and saving it
to draft, but i didn't,
And she just wrote back, "okay."
- Speaking
of the doctor's office,
The door opens up and dr.
Lugash primjitzki walks in.
Dr. Lugash is a very kind
but intimidating looking guy.
Dr. Lugash is a very kind
but intimidating looking guy.
He is crazy, broad-Shouldered,
With these huge, hairy arms
That go down a little bit
longer, if you imagine.
He looks like... He's got
like strangling hands.
He has a bunch of tattoos
Of weird dragons wrapped around his arms.
He's got cyrillic lettering in them.
You see that he's got
his little white shirt
With a black tie, no doctor's coat.
He's got these,
He's got a big square jaw
with a nose that got busted up
In a bunch of boxing matches or something,
Salt and pepper hair, kind of in a flop,
But these extremely
thick-Rimmed, black glasses,
So he looks, his eyes
kind of are magnified
A little bit in his head
Which looks a little bit goofy.
Dr. Lugash walks in.
You've been working with
dr. Lugash for a while.
Your supplier, 53\/3n,
recommended him to you.
Dr. Lugash works with people
who need medical help for cash
And not on the books.
You see that dr. Lugash walks in
With a little chart and goes,
Okay, peter, how's it going?
- Oh, it's good, man.
- Yeah, you feelin' alright?
Your test results do not
indicate that this is true.
- What do you mean?
- Well, i'm looking here.
I guess we'll start with the small stuff.
Your vitamin levels are not great.
What have you been eating recently?
- I found out if you
microwave cheese on a plate,
You can peel it off, and then it's
Like a crispy, like a cripsy cr*cker.
- Oh boy, okay.
You know you should not
be eating just cheese,
Especially microwave.
You don't, you can't get?
You could go down to the corner store,
Get the microwave toaster,
At least the cheese be more crisp.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, maybe you're right.
Yeah, i could probably eat
like a salad or something.
- So, good news as well.
It look like you are totally healed up
From the top surgery, which
is great, congratulations.
- Thank you, yeah, yeah.
Now i'm ready to f*ck!
- Oh boy, okay, pete, okay, pete.
Yeah, you see that lugash comes over
And gingerly wraps his
giant arms around you
And pats you on the back of the head.
Peter...
- Peter's inconsolable.
He's just weeping into his arms right now.
- Hey, oh buddy, it's
okay, hey, it's hard.
- Gosh.
- Talk to lugash, what happened?
- Yeah, no, it's fine, it's fine.
- You're clearly not fine.
- Yeah, i'm
just happy to be alive.
- He pulls up a chair and sort
of nods knowingly and says-
- I'm kind of reaching into
my bag for a mushroom cap.
- He says, enemy g*ng
find out where you live.
Now you have to move,
is that what's going on?
- Oh no, actually-
- What did you just eat?
What did you just eat in your mouth?
- A vegetable.
- He snags it, and he
says, this hallucinogenic!
Peter, you are on
antipsychotic medication!
- Yeah, i know, that's why
it's totally safe to do this.
- Peter, i don't-
- I can take as much psilocybin as i want.
I've got the remedy.
- Peter, when is the last time you slept?
- I haven't really been sleeping.
Yeah, like right before
i'm about to fall asleep,
If i think of something scary
or sad, i just kinda stay up,
And then all of a sudden
it's like 5:40 am,
And it's like, i might as
well microwave some cheese,
Y'know, and start my morning.
- Peter, i'm going to just
run through a checklist
Real quick here if i can.
- Okay, yeah, thank you, doc.
- You have not slept in a couple days.
It's affecting your health.
Sleep is most necessary
part of recuperation.
Don't take another mushroom.
One, honestly, even for
a good time, one is fine.
You are actively doing recreational drugs.
You have not slept in days.
You are on antipsychotic medication.
You are also taking hormone treatment.
You're taking male hormones.
So this, in the medical profession,
We would say is a lot going on, right?
I don't think that is good for you.
You need to...
I can't believe i'm going to say this.
You need to find a way to
get in touch with yourself,
Because you are trying to
medicate for situation,
Which medicine maybe cannot treat.
- I kind of get what you're saying, yeah.
- Maybe a therapist... That's
the third one!
You see lugash slams a
meaty hand in your back,
And one of them sorta pops out.
He looks at you and goes,
Look, i'm going to go
and try to get a stomach pump
Because you're going to
straight-Up go insane
If you process those mushrooms.
I am going to be right back.
- All right, thank you.
- Lugash leaves the room.
Make a perception check for
me, if you'd be so kind.
- Good, 17 plus, what else is perception?
Oh no addition, so 17.
- You look up and you're
just being annoyed,
'cause there's a drip in here.
It's kind of like a dingy
old building, but you hear...
You look over in the
corner and you see it.
There is a radiator which is
dripping a drop of water up,
And it's hitting the ceiling.
- Righteous.
- You see that a puddle slowly starts to
Form on the ceiling of the water
Dripping out of the radiator,
And in a reflection of
that ceiling puddle,
You see that there's a little new york
Public health poster on the wall,
And the reflection of the
healthy, sporty guy in a park
And the reflection of the
healthy, sporty guy in a park
Turns to look at you and says, hey, pete!
The reflection in the ceiling goes,
How's it going? I'm real!
- Ah, it's going, honestly,
I feel like i can be
really honest with you.
I miss her, and i deleted
her number out of my phone,
But then i found it in our
early instagram exchanges,
And i re-Added it, and i've
already texted her this morning.
- Okay, magic's real! Everything's
about to change for you!
- Do you think she read the text
Or do you think i should...
No!
- The door opens and you
see lugash comes back in.
- Hey where'd you go?
- Okay, this is not great, right?
- Hmm?
- Peter, listen, mostly what i do here
Is i pull b*ll*ts out of
gangsters that have been shot.
That's like my number one thing.
- In a way i was kind of shot.
- Not really.
- I shot my t*ts off.
- I will admit it was my first
time doing top surgeries.
- You did a great job.
I don't think you left
that much stuff in there
That you shouldn't have.
It's a little bit bumpy on this side,
But i think it's kind of cool.
- Well, i'm very excited to do it.
You might imagine, it's not
a lot in my line of work.
There's not a chance to
prove i am a lgbt ally,
So it's nice to be able to do that.
I am worried about you.
You need to get rest.
- Okay man, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You need to heal.
Be careful out there today.
Oh, remember by the way,
i would say go get rest
'cause also it's gonna
be a crazy day for you,
'cause santacon is happening today, right?
- Ah
f*ck, yeah, you're right,
And they're gonna want a lot of cocaine.
- Are people still doing a lot of cocaine?
- Just the santas.
They're stuck in the 90s.
- Oh these are
mostly people from hoboken-
- Mhm, exactly, exactly.
- Right, it's like 10 years in the past
Over on that side of the river, right?
What are you going to do?
All right, well listen, one of my clients
Has just gotten into a
violent car accident,
So i need to go make a house call.
- Beautiful.
- Be safe, peter, all right?
- Yeah, thank you so much,
doctor. I'll see you.
- He nods.
- What a great doctor.
- Yes, you head out.
As you can see, the yearly
cluster-f*ck that is santacon
Where a bunch of college kids
dress up in santa outfits
And go on a crazy pub crawl
And make new york virtually
unlivable for a day
Has already kind of begun.
I imagine you just head
back to your apartment
At this point.
- Definitely, yeah.
Back to bed.
- Cool.
You get back to your
apartment, on the train...
Oh, what do you think pete's doing
On the train as he's going?
It's an aboveground train a little bit,
Getting away from there.
- I'm just listening to music.
I'm probably listening to
an old lil wayne album.
- A little text pops up on your work phone
From 53\/3n saying, "price
of the brick went up, lol."
- f*ck.
Okay, yeah, i say, "yeah,
we'll take care of it."
- You arrive back at your apartment,
A little bit deeper into greenpoint.
Go ahead and make another
perception check for me.
- 11.
- You walk up to the apartment.
You live in a spare room
That is functionally a
converted walk-In closet.
You walk into the apartment and see marta
Who is this very old
Got a little babushka around her head
And her early 20s, grandson, yagdash,
He's got a chin strap
beard, very thick eyebrows.
He's got a windbreaker.
He's a wanna-Be gangster kind of guy.
You walk into the apartment,
And you see that a bunch
of your stuff is in boxes.
- sh*t!
- Marta turns around.
Okay, so, i got, i found the proof!
And you say she takes a
weird little plastic bag
That's empty, she's like,
I know what this is! You
deal drugs out of apartment!
- What? No, no, what
are you talking about?
- You are a bad boychik! You do this?
- No, no, that is from a pen.
That's dry ink from a pen.
They do that now here.
- Dry ink from pen. You are drug dealer.
All right, you scurry around?
- I work at the school.
- What you do? You wear a cowboy hat!
- I work at the school.
- No, i see you eat drug
from your coat, right there!
- That was a snack!
- You're a bad influence on yagdash!
- What are you talking about?
No, yagdash,
Look, i work at the school, right man?
- You see yagdash looks at you and goes,
I thought you drug dealer.
- No!
No, remember the point is how
much not a drug dealer i am.
- But i'm supposed to
buy drugs from you later-
- No!
- For a party.
We're going to club!
- I don't... Are you
hearing him say all this?
She's not mad at you.
- My sweet grandson, yagdash, would never!
He would never do this!
- Look, i don't sell drugs, i promise.
- I find out
from this that you are bad!
I knew you were up to no good,
Because you come in,
you have the crazy hair,
And you have the cowboy hat.
- This is just my hair.
- You're crazy boy.
- No! - So now you're going
to be out on the street.
- No, no, come on.
- Your father is here.
- What?
- You haven't seen your
father in six years
- You haven't seen your
father in six years
Or something like that,
And you hear a set of footsteps
walking up the stairs.
And you hear a set of footsteps
walking up the stairs.
- What?
- The door opens,
And you see your dad, mitch,
standing in the doorway.
- What the f*ck, mitch,
what are you doing here?
- You're gonna call me mitch? Okay.
- Yeah, i am!
- Your dad has not seen you in so long.
- f*ck!
- Had a hard time finding you.
He goes, picks up one of
the boxes of your stuff
And starts to carry it down the stairs,
And it has a special box of yours in it
That you definitely need.
- Okay, hey, put that down.
What is going on?
- He just continues down.
- I follow him.
- He goes down the steps. He's like,
Well, eventually we had
to pay a private eye
To track you down.
- How did they find me?
I don't... What, no way!
- What do you mean, no way?
- I'm too good. No one can find me.
What are you talking about?
- You see your dad turns around.
He's not really making
eye contact with you.
It's super weird and f*cked up.
Turns around and says, we knew
you had to be in new york.
We knew you weren't, y'know, left upstate,
Dropped outta school.
We want you to come home, okay?
- No!
- What's so great about this place?
I saw a bunch of bums
driving on the way in.
It's dirty as hell.
- Yeah, exactly!
I can't go and live on a farm
Where i'm the only trans person
Anyone's ever met in their life.
- That's okay, i
don't wanna talk about that.
- You're doing the weird chicken
dance that you do whenever-
- You see he looks at you.
You start to feel something
weird as emotions kick up
And that feeling of going over
a bump in a road really fast
Where your stomach starts to rise,
And you feel a little bit weightless
Is starting to happen to you a little bit.
- Cool.
- You see that he looks at you and goes,
It's not a f*ck' conversation!
He goes to say your
dead name, and he goes,
He goes to say your
dead name, and he goes,
And a bunch of
bubbles come out of his mouth,
And a bunch of
bubbles come out of his mouth,
And he starts looking around...
And just tons of
bubbles start issuing out of him
And just tons of
bubbles start issuing out of him
And they go into his
clothes and around him
And start lifting him up into the air
As he flails his arms,
And your dad is surrounded by bubbles
And sails off into the sky.
- f*ck, yeah, i grab my box.
I go back inside and try to live there.
- End of campaign.
- You take a step in,
And as you take a step in,
you're feeling f*ck' cr-
You've never had a high like this before.
You bump into someone,
and you hear them say,
Hey, watch it, as*h*le!
You turn around and a trash can
With two little eyeballs
on top flaps its lid.
He goes, what's your f*ck' problem!
I'm standing right here by the doorway.
What are ya, some kind of piece of sh*t?
- Okay, i need to take an upper.
- You see two of the other
trash cans turn around and say,
Oh what, was this guy
f*ck' bothering you, dude?
I don't know,
Are you tryin' to start
some f*ck' trouble?
- No.
- If we weren't already outside,
I'd ask if you wanna go outside.
- No, man, you're just a trash can-
- Oh, i'm just a trash can?
- You're just a trash can!
- You're a piece of sh*t.
Kids like you move into
the f*ck' neighborhood,
You sell drugs, you make crime happen.
You're a real piece of sh*t, buddy.
- I run.
- You take off down the street.
You've got your box in your hand.
Go ahead and make a
dexterity check for me.
- Uh, eight.
- You go and you're running,
and as you look down,
You're running through a
little melted area of snow,
And you look down and
see that everything else
But you has a reflection in the puddle.
And at that exact second, you fall
Into the puddle.
You are standing on the
other side of the puddle
In a snow-Covered new york,
Where snow is issuing out of
the storm drains in the street
And flying up into a sky
full of endless stars.
This sky is more stars
than it is darkness.
It is nighttime here.
You see that a full moon
turns around to you,
And you see that there is a
beautiful woman in the moon.
Incredible eyeshadow,
full lips, turns and says,
Holy, sh*t this is f*ck' crazy!
- I'll say.
- You wanna take a look around?
This
enormous moon beam collides
With the ground at your feet,
And you are raised up on it
and see an endless dream scape
Of new york city stretching around you.
A unicorn rushes past you.
The unicorn is sparkling,
But you can tell has also
put glitter on itself.
And it's like, oh my god,
what are you doing here?
Sugar, are you new to this place?
Something tells me you're real as hell.
- Yeah.
- Wow, that is something else!
I am loving this.
- Okay, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.
- When you slap yourself, you
fall through the moon beam.
Boom! And you see that as you're falling,
This insane owl, pigeon,
monkey, angel thing,
It looks like a huge,
eight foot tall monkey
With a pair of wings on
its back and an owl's face
Starts flying around you and says,
He's back, he's back, he's back!
And grabs your face and
gives you a weird beaky kiss
And says, i'm so happy you're here!
You land on the ground,
And it's a very weird, bouncy cloud,
And you see that there is a little rat
With a slice of pizza strapped
to its back like a hiker,
And you see, he goes,
Holy sh*t, you're here! That's incredible!
- Thank you.
- For sure!
- Where am i?
- I don't know, where do you wanna be?
- Okay, something else was
in those shrooms i think.
- What is peter feeling right now?
- Insane, like this is crazy.
I think i'm just like weird
with my dad float off, yeah.
- As soon as you think of your dad,
You see a little thing
of bubbles with him,
Sailing off in this dream realm.
And suddenly, you drop through the cloud
And are in inky blackness,
And you hear whispers all around you.
He's gone. We have him now.
You'll never have to
worry about him again.
We can make things that are unreal, real,
And we can make things real,
unreal, whatever you want.
Do you want this power?
Your med bracelet starts
to glow on your hand
And a little happy face appears on it,
Throbbing like a button you could press.
- Is this dmt?
I think about pressing it.
f*ck it.
- You hear a colossal rending,
And the entire darkness splits above you,
And the silvery stars
And white clouds [chimes
ring] pour through,
And you can feel things screaming with joy
As they escape from
whatever realm this is.
You suddenly feel yourself being
drawn into deeper darkness.
You hear a voice.
A single point of golden light,
Bright gold, burning with intensity.
You start to feel your real body sweating
And your heart rate picking up.
Start spreading the news.
Start spreading the news.
I'm leaving today.
I want to
A rectangle of golden
light in burning lines,
Superimposed against inky blackness,
Forever beyond it appears before you,
And the burning singes
your skin and your eyes.
I want be a part of it.
I want be a part of it.
You suddenly feel yourself dropping again
And a little gray child's face
With inky black eyes
appears in front of you
As black tears go down its gray face.
- What the f*ck are you doing to me, man?
- And it says... You wanted
to be a wild magic sorcerer.
- Yeah, yeah.
And looks at you and goes,
It's happening. I'm so sorry.
Heed the words of lazarus
before it's too late.
Disappears, you are in an alleyway
Surrounded by santacon people.
- f*ck.
I wish i had a girlfriend.
- You see that one of the
santacon people turns over to you
And half of his face
melts, and he just goes,
And
bites the side of your head.
- No, no, no, no!
- Great, and we're gonna
move on to our next pc!
Wonderful!
- Jesus christ, what a way to start.
- Jesus, what?
- Oh my god!
- That was trippy!
- There's a lot of tension
being released right now.
- Hell yeah.
- 2:35, jesus, i need to
splash myself with cold water.
- Hell yeah, we're gonna roll
another little dice here.
- Gray-Faced child?
- A little bit of snow kicks up.
And goes across the harbor,
Past the statue of liberty,
Swirling through the giant
cables of the verrazzano bridge,
All the way to staten island
Where we see a nice little hair salon,
First class luxury beauty salon.
We see that there is a
woman sitting in a chair.
She's got a little smock over her,
And there is a woman
styling her hair right now.
Emily, could you please
describe your character to us?
- Okay, my name is sofia lee.
I'm sorry, no, it is sofia bicicleta.
I was sofia lee for
five beautiful years,
But then my husband, dale, left me,
So now i'm back to sofia bicicleta.
Sofia bikes, you might hear me be called.
I suppose i can have
like a bit of a hot temper.
Dale really balanced me
out, but now that he's gone,
I'm on a little bit of a
bender, but that's fine.
I'm on a little bit of a
bender, but that's fine.
I mean, i can keep up an active lifestyle.
Similar to pete, i haven't been sleeping,
Because the bed i was sleeping in,
I once shared with my husband,
So i just don't even really
like being there right now.
And basically, i'm in a
tight leopard-Print skirt,
A tight pink cami and
basically i look like
A tight pink cami and
basically i look like
If fran drescher went on
an amy winehouse bender.
And i'm doing a pretty bad job,
'cause i'm pretty hung over.
- You see the woman in the chair
Is trying to make small talk with you.
She says, and honestly, i
couldn't f*ck' believe it,
'cause the house is a disaster.
- Really?
- Oh, it's awful.
They painted it this shade
of, i don't know, lime green.
It looks like it's
f*ck' st. Patrick's day-
- I tell you, everyone on this
island has too much money,
They don't even know what to do with.
- Well, that's what i was trying to say.
It doesn't take a lot
of money to be classy.
Like, i don't understand, why-
- I know, but everyone just gets bored,
So they're like, well, i
can't buy a bigger house,
Because then it'll be
obvious i'm in the mob,
So i guess they'll just paint my house
A new shade of lime green
i'm sorry.
- Oh god, sofie, no!
- No, no, no, it's fine.
I really wanna keep doing your hair.
I gotta get it teased.
- I honestly, i honestly...
Sof, i've been coming to you for my hair
For three years now.
I am not trying to, you know...
You've fully cut my bangs down
To about a quarter of an inch.
They're-
- Did you not want baby bangs?
- Well, the thing is that
they're like a bristle now,
So it really sorta looks like i'm some
Kind of, i don't know.
- Yeah, i know, i know,
And i'm gonna give you a discount, i am.
- Okay, a discount, okay.
- I'll tell you what, gimme
your little coupon, and i'll-
- Oh my punch card?
- Yeah, gimme your punch card,
And i'll punch out a couple extra.
- Honestly, you're a doll, and honestly,
It's so f*cked up what happens.
God forbid anything would've
happened to me and bobby, but-
- Okay, i don't think you
need to bring in you and bobby
Just because me and dale fell apart,
And we wouldn't have fallen apart
If isabella infierno
didn't come over the bridge
Or wherever she came from, god.
- Okay, look, i understand.
Look, everyone knows
she's a wh*re, all right?
- Okay, okay, i don't know
That we should be putting
down other women that much.
She's a succubus is what she is.
Witchcraft is the only thing
That coulda taken dale away from me.
Yes, we had our fights,
usually my fault,
'cause he was just so even tempered.
- Sofie-
- All he wanted to do
Was just watch the deer in the backyard.
- He just watched deer in the backyard?
- He loved it when...
We had a couple animals
that would come in and out
Of the backyard and he
just liked watching them.
- Sofie, look-
- He was a very calming presence.
- I love you to death.
Everybody in the neighborhood,
When you went and married dale,
he's not from around here.
People here marry people from
here, all right, and nobody-
- I know, i don't want someone from here.
- And nobody wants to
say, "i told you so."
Nobody wants to say that,
so here's what i'm gonna do.
I'm gonna settle up with you for today.
We're gonna stop it here. I'm
gonna go look at some hats.
- No, i can fix the bangs, i can.
Just a couple more snips,
and i think they'll be fixed.
- Okay, i'm looking at it now,
And it looks like those
old medieval monks.
It looks like one's just shifted
forward about five inches
To cut off the front part.
- Right, okay,
it's not my best work,
But do you want a free mani?
- God, and i understand
what you're going through.
If i let any more of
this happen to myself,
I'm accountable for it, right?
I've already spoken up,
and i need to interject.
- Do you want some pre-Made sangria?
I've got some in the fridge.
- She looks over, you see a
bunch of barbicide supplies
That need to be kept cold have
been removed from this fridge
To have a giant pitcher of sangria.
- Yeah.
- She says, okay, it's
- I know, i exercised
some restraint at 8:00 am.
- Okay, yeah, you know what?
I'll have a little bit of san-
- Okay.
- The door jingles
And your brother, mario, walks in.
- What do you want?
- How's it going sof?
Jesus, what the f*ck's
wrong with this lady's hair?
What's the f*ck' problem?
This looks like sh*t.
- Oh mario, like you know
anything about women's fashion.
- I happen to know a lot!
Just 'cause my fashion
line went down in flames,
Doesn't mean i don't know about fashion.
- No one wants alligator skin anymore.
- When you say hurtful stuff like that,
That's how i know you're
in an emotional spot.
Alligator skin has been... All
right, fashion is cyclical!
You f*ck' stugots, all right?
- Okay, okay.
- I'm gonna lose my temper.
- Okay, okay, everyone keep it together.
- Here's what i wanna say.
Mom would like you to come by for dinner
At some point, all right?
This is the f*ck' olive branch.
- I know, i know, i know.
Yes, i will come by at some point.
I don't know what my
night is like tonight.
- How 'bout this sunday?
- Sunday.
Oh, if i show up, am i going to be guilted
For not going to church
because it's sunday?
- Would it k*ll you to go to church?
I don't understand, right?
You marry some guy who's
not from the neighborhood,
And then you're not gonna go
to church, and then you know.
- Don't bring him into
this. You didn't know him.
- Look, i don't know him,
But i know isabella
infierno, all right and...
- Oh my god.
- You know what, even better-
- Do you want me to start running my mouth
About alligator skin again, 'cause i will.
- It is a usa business!
You can farm alligator
leather in the states!
It is ethical and f*ck'...
I don't have to f*ck'
explain myself to you.
We'll see you sunday or
not, all right? Jesus!
You see, he turns and leaves.
- Don't forget to pay the meter!
- You leave after your shift
is done. You settle up.
- You leave after your shift
is done. You settle up.
It's getting to be that time of year
Where christmas music is
starting to be played around.
- Oh my god, dale.
- It's just
that time of year again.
You're feeling extremely hungover,
And sobriety is starting to wend its way
Back into the corners of your brain.
- Okay, well i have two options,
Because if i don't get a drink right now,
I'm probably gonna go buy more
christmas presents for dale,
Like he's gonna come back, so
i guess i'm gonna go to a bar.
- You head up to a bar.
Go ahead and roll a wisdom
saving throw for me.
- Saving?
Oh, 21.
- 21, cool!
- So you get the f*ck outta here.
You don't go to any of the
places on staten island
That would remind you of dale.
You don't go to any places here.
You hop on the ferry.
You head into the city.
- Wind in my hair.
- Maybe like pre-Game on
the ferry a little bit.
- Corona.
- One of those coronitas.
- You arrive in the city.
What kind of bar are you looking for here?
- Honestly, just one with
as many people as possible
Or maybe one that a bunch
of people are by themselves,
So i don't have to feel
weird for being by myself.
- Cool, so you find some dingy, irish bar,
Somewhere in the city, old
wood table, you sit at it.
You start having your drinks.
Go ahead and make a constitution
saving throw for me.
- 16.
- Hell yeah.
You're holding your own.
You're going a nice couple rounds.
This bartender, sean, is looking at you.
He's kinda like a scruffy
bartender guy, late 30s.
Hey, how's it going,
miss, what can i getcha?
- Can i get a stoli raz
with seltzer and a twist?
- Yeah, i can do that for you, no problem.
- That's raspberry.
- Yeah, oh i assumed.
Yeah, i assumed, yeah.
You see this place is
close enough to the ferry
That it has every flavor of stoli.
And you see he gets the stoli
raz, puts the twist in it,
Seltzer, puts it in front of you,
And he says, hey, i like
that, what is it, angora?
It's a nice little sweater you got there.
- Oh, thank you, yeah, it
is angora, it is authentic.
You guys got like a kindle behind the bar
Or something that i could read?
- You wanna read an ereader?
- I don't know.
I just don't entirely know
How to interact with people right now.
- You see he nods.
You see that there's a couple
guys at the end of the bar.
They got like striped
shirts, very spiky frosted
Or one of 'em frosted,
but spiky hair, chains.
You see that one of them
looks over to you and says,
Oh, you wanna read something?
- I'm trying to figure out how
that could be a pickup line
'cause it sounds like
the beginning of one.
Yes, maybe.
- Why don't you read my d*ck.
- Oh, okay.
- Woooooooo!
- 'cause i had considered
maybe it was gonna go
In that direction, then i
thought, no he's better than that.
No, i'm not gonna read your d*ck.
- You see the other one
of 'em says, come on!
- 'cause i don't read short
stories, thank you! Thank you!
- You see that everyone in the bar-
- I jump on the bar.
- Everyone in the bar goes nuts for that.
You jump on the bar.
Cool, you are the hero
of the bar at that point.
You stay there for a while.
You're there honestly,
you're there for hours.
- You don't read short stories.
- I don't read short stories.
- Not at all.
- After a while, i would say it's
You've been here for a couple hours,
And you're having a ball.
That burn was so great.
The bartender been hooking
you up with free drinks.
Go ahead, you've been here
for, i'll say, four hours.
Go ahead and gimme four
constitution saving throws.
- Okay, first two are 21 and a 12.
- Cool.
- The next two are nine and a 12.
I am getting drunker though.
- You are getting drunk, yeah,
it's getting to that point.
You're having a ball, and
a huge bachelorette party
Comes into the bar.
You see they're all going,
woo, tina, yeah, tina!
They get to the bar.
One of 'em says, the bride to be
Will have a slippery nipple shot!
- Oh my god, there's barely
any alcohol in there.
- You see sean walks over,
the bartender, and says,
Hey, it's all right, this is
a lot of business coming in,
You don't gotta-
- Yeah.
No, you're totally right,
sean, i'm so sorry.
- You okay?
- Yeah you know,
It's just sometimes you lose the person
That balances you out and
you're a bit unhinged.
- Let's get you some whiskey, huh?
You wanna shot of whiskey?
- You got any of the stuff
that tastes like christmas,
Like cinnamon and fire?
- He does that, go ahead
And give me a constitution
saving throw with disadvantage.
- I got an 18 still,
but i did get a nat 20.
- Cool, that christmas shot
Goes down real smooth, real easy.
You have this christmas-Y shot-
- Ah, gives me a clear head.
- Yeah, and you see that the maid of honor
Clearly raises her glass and says,
Tina, you are beautiful.
You are wonderful.
Your life is all laid out ahead of you,
And you're building it in this moment.
And honestly, there is not a better guy
Than richard for you.
We're so happy you found the one.
It is smooth sailing from here on out,
But there's one last
night of choppy water!
- I just wanna say something.
- The whole bachelor party
turns to look at you.
- Sorry, can i borrow this
old karaoke machine, thanks.
I mic it up.
I just wanna tell you, tina,
That marriage was the best
thing that ever happened to me,
And you have a lot to look forward to,
And, y'know, i hope
He makes you a slippery nipple
Every night before you go to bed.
I do, i really do.
- You see that clearly they stop you,
All of the bachelorette
party comes over and is like,
Okay, thank you.
- You're welcome. You're welcome.
- And your vision kind of goes
a little fuzzy for a second.
Those three guys at the end
of the bar you saw earlier,
You're getting a little
punch drunk from the alcohol,
Or i guess just drunk, and you look over,
And you swear to god, these
guys are like 10 feet tall,
And their skin is this like mottled green,
Almost like weird vegetative or something.
And they have these long
noses, covered in warts,
And they're all laughing
and looking at each other.
And you see that two of
the bachelorette party
Basically are like, you wanna
go outside for a cigarette?
Yeah, let's go outside.
And you see, they walk outside.
You see that the three hulking people
That, again, your vision's
kind of f*cking up,
Turn to follow these women
outside after the bar.
- Oh no, i don't think so.
If these are choppy waters,
consider me their lifesaver!
I stomp out, and i wanna follow them.
- You follow them.
You see that the two women hook around
Into a little alleyway near this dumpster.
They're just smoking real quick.
They're doing that thing where
they're dressed very cute,
But it's f*ck' freezing outside,
So they're just shivering and smoking.
And you catch the first
line of one of these.
Again, what is sofia thinking
As she sees these hulking monstrous-
- I think she's just
going through the thing
Where she's like, oh my god,
I have been drinking so much
That sometimes i feel
like i'm seeing things.
The other morning, i woke up in an alley,
And i could swear that a giant ratman
Brought me a egg sandwich
And a gatorade to help me sober up,
So i'm definitely
k*lling some brain cells,
But you know what, you gotta k*ll some
To k*ll the ones that have
the memories of dale on them.
So yeah, if this means that some men
Look like creepy 10 foot tall,
gray-Skinned men from now on,
That's fine with me,
As long as i can forget
dale's after shave.
- So you see that one of these hulking,
Weird, wart-Covered giants looks over
At one of these young women and goes,
Hey, can i bum a cigarette from you?
Seems like you had a real
party going on in there.
And you see he puts a giant, clawed hand
On the small of her back.
- Okay, all right, that's not
a part that we touch on women.
Hi, it's me sofia le- Bicicleta.
I was in there on the
karaoke machine earlier.
I'll also take a cigarette.
And i smoosh myself in between the guy.
- You see that as you
smoosh yourself in there,
You see that
There is something around
these giant troll people
That's these wisps of almost
like heat waves on a hot day
Or some kind of wispy bit
Of their shadow peeling off
of them in little flickers.
It almost looks like a very subtle fire
Or a smoke or something, and
as you wedge in and touch one,
You see that the haze around
them actually disappears,
And the three of them look and see
That you're looking at their eyes
Where their eyes actually are.
And they all kind of look at each other
And look back at you, and
you see that the two women
Quickly stamp out their
cigarettes and walk-
Sort of slide away from you,
And you see that the three tall,
For all intents and purposes, trolls,
Turn to you and say, you
gotta f*ck' problem, lady?
- Yeah. I got a problem.
What are you doing with those women?
Because i do not consider you the type
To walk around without a cigarette.
- You see they look around
at each other and they say,
Well, you know, that's on us, i guess.
That cigarette tax is no joke though.
- That's true.
- They look at you and say,
Well, maybe we can bum one
off of you, what do you think?
- I actually don't smoke.
- You see that one of these
guys rears back a clawed hand
To take a swing at you.
- All right, i trip him.
- Go ahead and-
- Wait, really?
- Yeah, go ahead, real quick.
Just make a dexterity check for me
To see if you can beat 'em to the punch.
- Okay, got a nat one.
- Nat one.
- First real roll of the game.
- This guy f*ck' clocks
you in the head for...
I'm gonna use my little dice box.
Siobhan made dice boxes
for everybody, yay!
- Yes!
- Yes, she did.
- I'll show mine later.
- This guy clocks you for
And i need you to make
Another constitution saving throw for me.
- 14.
- Cool.
Cool, go ahead and make
your attacks on him.
- Okay, first off, i'd like to tell him,
That hurt, but probably not
as much as my burn earlier!
And then go attack 'em.
- Go for it.
- Does 15 hit?
- 15 does hit.
- Ooh, all right.
That's gonna be 10,
And then i'm gonna take my stiletto off
And thwack 'em for another seven.
- Oh, sh*t, awesome.
- And then i'm gonna spend a
ki point to thwack 'em again.
- f*ck 'em up!
- Flurry of blows for another six!
- Six, seven and what else, sorry?
- 10.
- Six, seven and 10.
- 17, 23 points of damage.
This guy, bam, knocks you
in the head. You come up.
You're nice hairdo is
a little bit messed up.
Tell me exactly what happens
to this f*ck' troll.
- All right, i would like to
take off both my stilettos
And just put 'em through his eyes.
- So you go whap into this guy's eyes.
So he goes and
just runs down the street,
Bumping into sh*t, and the
two trolls run after him.
Holy sh*t, man are you okay?
Nah, i got f*ck' shoes in my eyes!
- Leave that bachelorette alone.
She's got a really
happy life ahead of her.
- Sofia, you are shoeless.
- Again.
- You are definitely concussed.
You feel yourself drop
and fall against the wall,
Outside the bar and slump down
Into a very soft, warm trash bag.
- It's nice, oh, it feels like
someone threw out a pillow.
- And sofia goes to sleep.
On to our next pc!
- Wow.
- Wow.
- Let's see who goes next.
A bit of snow whisks off of the trash
As sofia pulls that other garbage bag
Onto herself for warmth.
And we go all the way off
Across the east river into
cobble hill, brooklyn,
Where we come down and
there's a little four-Story,
Stone building, railroad apartments,
Classic new york apartment building.
And we hear
As a raging inferno
melts the snow overhead.
The third and fourth
story of this building
Are engulfed in flame.
We see out the window looking
through a set of bars,
There are bars to keep the window safe
For kids being in that space,
There is a little eight-Year-Old girl
With a little bit of soot
and smoke on her face.
She's clutching a little
teddy bear in her hand,
Looking at the bar and yelling down.
You see that there's paramedics
and firefighters and cops
Down there saying, don't
worry, little girl!
We're gonna to get you out of this!
Stay close to the window!
Keep your head down out the smoke!
You see she goes, i'm
scared, i'm scared!
With an eruption of force,
the door of the room,
Boom, explodes into cinders.
Zac, could you describe
your character for us?
I'm ricky matsui.
I'm a firefighter in new york,
specifically in brooklyn.
I believe in just doing the right thing,
And i always wanted to be a firefighter,
So i accomplished that goal,
So feeling really good about myself.
I'm pretty much set for life, i guess,
And i'm just here to help.
- Ricky, you survey the area here.
You see that there is a barred window.
There's a little girl near
these bars of the window.
It's like a nursery room in here.
You see that two of your
other firefighter pals
Have just busted down the door into a room
With what looks like the
girl's primary caretaker
Who's her grandmother.
She turns around to look
at you, and she goes,
Are you a firefighter?
- I am.
- What's ricky do?
- First, ricky's like,
that's a really cool bear.
What's his name?
- His name's theo.
- All right, hold on to theo real tight,
And then i'm gonna pick you up,
And we're all just gonna have
a fun time getting outta here.
- An emanating warmth
of... To say that it's holy
Often conjures connotations of a religion,
But a holy light made out
of just civic responsibility
But a holy light made out
of just civic responsibility
And a love of safety
emanates from ricky matsui,
And you see that the girl
wipes the tears from her eyes
And says, okay, we're gonna
be all right, little guy.
She says it to her teddy bear
And runs up and leaps into your arms.
What does ricky matsui
look like by the way?
Oh, ricky matsui, he's like
Oh, ricky matsui, he's like
He just works out a lot.
He believes you just keep your body right
To keep your mind right.
It's the cheapest therapy
he can have, working out.
He picks a girl up with just one arm,
And he's kind of like a
superman-Ish if he were japanese.
And he's just ready to get out of there.
- f*ck yeah.
- Cheapest therapy.
- You rush out, as you're running,
Something tingles in your mind,
In the corner of your consciousness,
And you can feel moments
before it happened.
Go ahead and make a dexterity
saving throw for me.
- Ooh, 12 plus, 13.
- 13.
You see that a beam,
A burning beam, falls down behind you.
You feel it about to happen
a second before it happens.
You jump, tumble,
somersault with the girl,
Holding onto her in your arms.
She's holding onto her bear.
There is now a burning obstacle
In the way between your friends
Who are getting the grandmother
Who will maybe not be able
to make it out past this beam
That is now obstructing the hallway.
- I make sure no one's watching,
And then i create water
on the burning beam.
- There is the little girl in your arms.
- Oh yeah, i say, look
out the window real fast.
- She looks out the window real fast.
You channel the power within you.
Your fireman's ax, the
questing blade at your side,
Glows bright and
a geyser blast of water
Erupts from your outstretched hand,
Coats the beam.
The water corrodes it,
the fire bleeds into it,
And it snaps in half
and clears the hallway.
- Hey, something happened.
What was the window like?
- Oh, the window? It was
normal, i think normal.
- That's awesome.
- You make it outta here.
You could hear your firefighter
brothers behind you.
You make it down to the sidewalk,
And you emerge from the smoke,
And you see that there
is an eruption of cheers
As the grandma, the girl
comes out in your arms.
You see that there's
a new york 1 van there
And a new york 1 reporter comes up,
Who's in the middle of a
broadcast, and she says,
Sir, sir, you've just amazingly
saved a young girl's life
In this burning building!
On behalf of the city, thank you so much!
Are those the last people
in the building right now?
And holds the-
- The other people got out already.
- The other people got out already, yeah.
- Yeah, that's pretty much it.
Everyone at home, if you're watching this,
Make sure that your
sprinklers are up to date,
That you have fire extinguishers,
That you're always taking
the precautions you need
To keep your home safe.
We got lucky this time.
Make sure that you're
just keeping up with that.
Am i on tv right now?
- Yeah, this is for new york 1, so we're-
- Awesome. What's up, mom? What's up, dad?
Emiko, hey, what's going on?
Just wanted to say,
holidays are a tough time
For christmas trees.
You wanna make sure you're safe at that.
God, i'm just not used
to being on tv right now.
- She says, "oh, that's okay.
"i think we got what we needed."
- Awesome.
- Absolutely.
Sorry, was that?
- Did you want me to keep talking?
- No, you're good. You're fully good.
Thank you so much. You're fully good.
- I'm good?
- Awesome
- Again, a heroic job.
- Just stand behind her.
- Heroic job from the- Y'know, you could -
From the new york fire
department, fdny, yep.
- I can get out of here?
- Uh huh.
Heroic job, obviously, the
fire has been contained,
So i'm... We'll just
move the shot over here.
Move the shot over here.
- Follow you?
- No, you're good. You're fully good, sir.
Thank you so much.
- What kind of camera is that?
- You reunite the little girl.
The little girl looks up at
you, and she's holding her bear
As you reunite her with her grandmother.
The grandmother says, thank you so much.
You saved our lives. You
saved my little girl.
You are a hero.
- Ah, i mean, you know.
I'm just doing-
- March.
You're mr. March from
the fireman's calendar!
- Yes-
- Wow!
- I have
posed for our calendar.
Maybe do you want me to sign
it if you want, i guess.
- She says, yes, i made sure
to grab it on the way out,
And you see there's a singed-
- You grabbed it?
- I grabbed it.
I made the firefighters
go back into the kitchen.
- Okay, well, just make sure to keep safe.
Wow, i'm not as tan as i used to be.
I gotta work on that.
- She closes it and says,
You're a real hunky number in here, oof!
- Thank you, ma'am.
- Five alarms, no kidding!
- I just show her my abs.
- She cries a little bit,
you are really a hero.
- Oh, thank you, ma'am, i appreciate that.
- Is this the old woman?
- The little girl looks
a little bit confused.
You feel a little ping in your phone,
But the girl looks up at you
with a little bit of confusion,
And she says,
I looked at the window, but theo didn't.
You made that big log stop burning, right?
- You know, sometimes
firefighters use all their tools
- You know, sometimes
firefighters use all their tools
On their belt and some of
it is confusing to children.
- You're a wizard.
- I'm not a wizard.
- Oh, it's okay.
- Hey, can you keep a secret?
- I'll keep a secret, only
me and theo will know.
- Okay, yeah, i
kinda got some magic in me.
- She goes,
She screams and runs
around in a little circle.
Your phone pings again, and
you see that it's another...
You look at your phone, you
see that it's a couple of texts
From esther, who is the head
of the clinton hill chantry,
From esther, who is the head
of the clinton hill chantry,
And she is texting you and says,
"need to meet up asap, santacon today.
"couple of points to cover.
"would love your help if available."
- I send her a selfie of
me with the fire and like,
"just finishing up here, on the way.
"how you doing? Nevermind,
i'll see you in a sec."
- You get a couple of ellipses
And then just the word, 'good.'
Cool,
How does ricky get over to the chantry?
- How far is that?
- From here, it's not too far.
The train lines aren't great going from-
- He sprints.
- He sprints, yeah.
So ricky just gets up,
sprints down the street,
And you get up onto the rooftops
And are just bounding over
the rooftops of new york,
This ax glinting in the sun.
- Yeah!
You arrive at the clinton hill chantry,
Which is a lovely little brownstone
And a very beautiful
ivy-Covered part of brooklyn.
And you see that the
door has this gargoyle,
One of those bronze knockers
That has a gargoyle biting
the little knocker ring on it.
And you approach the door?
What do you do when you get to the door?
- I address the gargoyle,
say, how's it going, frank?
- You know, it's been better.
Say, i gotta tell you, man,
It gets to this, this time of the year,
The heat and the cold, the
metal expands and contracts.
I can feel myself, bustin' my fat a*s
Through the wood of the door,
haha f*ck' as*h*le, y'know
How 'bout you, man? You looking good!
- I'm trying to get on
that metal level, you know?
You look good!
- Yeah, that's great, man.
How's your ma, she's good?
- She's good. My whole family's great.
I mean a lot of people got problems.
- Oh for sure, hey, believe me, i know.
Hey for me, boy. Hey, you gotta
count your blessings, right?
You can move around. I'm
stuck in a door, so.
- If you ever want me to
bring you any kind of treats
Or any kind of sandwiches or anything-
- Actually, if you're not busy right now,
There's this place down away, gianella's,
They do like a chicken parm,
if you wanted to grab one,
I wouldn't mind that.
- Yeah.
I could bring it to you later.
I kind of gotta go in there,
and i'm sorry about it.
- You knock. The door
swings open. You walk in.
This is one of those areas of new york
Where there's this sense of
old distinguished parlors
And rooms that's very dusty,
leather bound books everywhere,
Little glass case with some
strange swirled staff in it.
And you see that there's
still some painter's tape
Over the glass case that your
questing blade shot out of
When you rescued these wizards from a fire
About like 11 months ago.
You see esther walks out.
Esther is a very cool
young wizard in her 20s.
She's got an undercut
And a little bit of hair
coming over to one side.
She's got a bunch of jewelry
And very wizard-Chic
Where it's bangles and jewels
and rings that do stuff,
But then also just wearing a pair of jeans
And some high boots.
You see esther turns to you and says,
Oh ricky, good, you made
it here in record time.
- Well, y'know, if you
go over the buildings,
It's a lot quicker.
- Great.
- Y'know, i keep saying this,
But awesome haircut, it's awesome.
- Thank you.
- It's so cool.
- Thank you very much. I appreciate it.
Just like to keep it new and exciting.
So i wanna talk to you a
little bit about santacon
And what's gonna be happening today.
- Awesome.
- Have i? 'cause you came
in here about 11 months ago,
So you missed the last santacon, right?
- Sure, this is my first santacon
Since i saw the magic stuff.
- She says, all the magic stuff, yes.
Since you were inducted
into the unsleeping city
By the questing blade
and the magical world
That exists behind the
waking world of new york
Was revealed to you.
This is your first santacon with us.
So, what do you know
about santacon already?
- I guess it's just a
bunch of drunk people
Trying to have some fun in the streets.
It's kind of hard to do other
stuff while that's happening
For firefighters where a
lot of us are working that.
So, it's maybe not my favorite thing,
But i get that people enjoy that.
- For sure.
- As long as you're being safe,
That's the way to go, i guess.
- So what santacon actually is,
Is a little bit more complex than that.
- Awesome.
- People perceive santacon
To be a large obnoxious pub crawl.
You ever wondered how santa claus
Is able to get to all
those homes in one night?
- Well i just assumed
it's magic, but yeah.
- Well, magic has to work in certain ways.
Magic can't just solve everything.
That's why we have all these books.
It's actually quite complex.
- Gotcha.
- Magic is very hard to do.
- Interesting, i thought,
yeah, okay, great.
- It doesn't solve all your problems.
So first of all, santa claus is real.
- Awesome.
- Yes.
Second of all, in order
to get to all those homes
In one night, santa, can't be
in all those places at once.
That would take a level of magic
That is honestly staggering
to even consider.
So instead what happens is
santa claus clones himself
Millions and millions of times,
And each of those clones
goes to the separate houses.
Are you with me so far?
- Yeah, i think i get it.
What, he clones himself a million times?
- Millions of times,
clones millions of times.
And those clones then go about
And actually do that work for santa claus.
However, the technology that
santa uses is extremely potent,
But-
- Wait, is santa a scientist?
- Hmm?
- He's a scientist?
- Partially, yes.
- Wow.
- But also a extremely powerful sorcerer.
- Oh, okay.
- Effectively, if you clone yourself
Millions and millions of times,
Even with the best arcane
equipment available
And the best spell casting,
Not every single clone
is gonna turn out great.
- I grew up with twins
and one of them was worse
Than the other, so that makes sense.
- I hear that. I hear
that, and i believe it.
- Just in like sports, he
seemed like a nice guy.
- It's a little bit dissimilar
from that. I won't lie.
But effectively what happens
Is that like a week or two
before christmas, every year,
Santa claus comes to new york
And because of the umbral arcana,
Do you need a refresher
on the umbral arcana?
- I do, yeah.
I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
No, it's all right.
So, i run the clinton hill chantry,
Which is a branch of the
gramercy occult society.
You're good so far, right?
- Yeah.
- The gramercy occult society
manages the umbral engine.
- Yeah.
- Right?
And that creates the umbral arcana,
Which is the spectral force
that keeps new yorkers
From being aware that magical things
Are happening around them at all times.
- Keeps them safe from
the idea of magical stuff.
- Yes, precisely, that's exactly right.
- I can figure it out that way, yeah.
- Cool, it keeps them
safe. It's a safety thing.
So because of that, santa
deposits his defective clones
So because of that, santa
deposits his defective clones
Here in the city once a
year, that is santacon.
- And what happens to
them after they get here?
- They mostly wander around.
They're pretty harmless.
Most of of them have a hard
time moving or getting around
Because again, they're defective clones,
But basically we just
need to round them up
And kind of, either...
Y'know, depending on how some people feel,
You can either hold onto them,
And they naturally die
in a couple of weeks,
Or you can just incinerate them,
But basically that's what happens.
- Is santa good?
- He cares deeply for
the children of the world
And voluntarily clones
himself millions of times.
The ethics of it are
alarming. I won't lie.
- It's above my pay grade
a little bit, i think.
- It's a little bit above your pay grade.
So if you just want to hit the bricks
And keep a patrol this evening
For any of that weird stuff happening
And just round up any clones that you find
And deposit them to us.
If they're causing danger,
I would say maybe dispatch
them right then and there.
- Wow, okay, yeah. It's the
right thing to do, i guess.
- It's the right thing to do.
Great, and that selfie was
good. That was a nice selfie.
- Oh, cool, thanks. I wasn't
sure what you thought of it.
But yeah, i can keep sending
them to you, i guess.
- It's not really an invitation,
but do what you need to do.
- Awesome.
- Cool, what does ricky do after that?
- Ricky takes off to santacon.
- Cool, you're wandering around.
It's getting a little
bit later in the day.
You're rooftop to rooftop, moving around.
Go ahead and make a
perception check for me
And an investigate check.
- Perception's only a seven.
- 10 for investigate, cool.
So you're investigating around.
You follow a weird minty smell on the air,
And you arrive at this alleyway.
You smell the mint growing stronger.
As you look over the edge,
You see an unconscious pete the plug,
And you see that there
are three horrifying,
Mutant santa clauses
moving towards pete's body
Mutant santa clauses
moving towards pete's body
On the ground.
- From the-
- You're up above them.
They're in the alleyway going
- I just stop and yell, hey!
What are you guys doing?
- Merry christmas!
- Okay guys, hold on
and start climbing down.
- You safely descend. Pete, you come to.
You got bitten on the head,
and you can only smell mint
And you can feel your bones
becoming sweet in your body.
And you can feel your bones
becoming sweet in your body.
- f*ck!
- Ricky, you fully
descend into the alleyway.
What do you say to these weird mutants,
Shambling around, surrounding you?
What do you do as they look
a little bit menacing to you.
- I just, i step between them and pete,
And say, you guys gotta go
stand over there right now.
- Cool.
- Santas, stand over there.
- Make an intimidate
check for me real quick.
- I got a 20.
- A 20?
You see that the one that
you were speaking directly to
Explodes into peppermint and
the other two go,
And just start running away.
- Oh no, are they running into the street?
- It looks like they're
running into the street.
- I look at pete,
And i feel like i have
to check on him first.
- Cool, go ahead and make, i
guess a medicine check for me.
- Ooh, 22.
- 22? Rad.
There is a occult sickness
spreading through pete's body.
There is a occult sickness
spreading through pete's body.
- Do i know if it's a disease?
- You know that it's a magical disease,
Something that only a magical healer
Would be able to handle.
- Okay, i couldn't use lay
on hands for five points.
- It's not hit point
damage, it's something else.
- Okay.
- f*ck, man, help.
- Hey sir, listen to me, i'm
a new york city firefighter.
- I think that f*ck' guy bit me!
- Yeah, it looks like you
got a pretty nasty bite.
- I pull my g*n, like i'm
gonna go after the two santas.
- Hey, hey, sir, sir.
- f*ck!
- I'm gonna ask you to put that g*n down.
Sir?
- Huh?
- I'm gonna need you to put the g*n down.
- I got all the licenses
for it. I put it back in my-
- That sounds great,
But you're in sort of a state right now.
I'm gonna get you some help.
Okay, so i know a guy who can help us.
He works at the hospital.
- How much is... Oh, i can't
go to the hospital, man.
- I'm sure you really need
to go to the hospital.
- No, no, no.
- I can smell how sweet
your body's turning,
And it's time to take care of that.
- Ow! And yum!
- A full peppermint tooth
Pops one of your original teeth out
And a candy cane striped
tooth is just in your mouth.
- Oh my tooth, i just lost a tooth!
- Honestly, that's awful, let's go!
- Pete is having a hard time walking,
And ricky, you get an arm underneath pete.
You guys take off, as you
kick up a little bit of snow,
Whisps up into the air,
Over the river to manhattan
and uptown, up over the park,
Over the upper west side,
past columbia university,
All the way to harlem, a
beautiful, beautiful morning.
All the way to harlem, a
beautiful, beautiful morning.
It's getting a little bit
late in the morning now,
And after having worked
the graveyard shift
The previous night, in a lovely apartment,
The sounds of the neighborhood
Coming to life all around him.
Kingston brown wakes up for another shift.
Lou, could you describe
kingston brown for us?
- Of course. Hello, my
name is kingston brown.
I work at st. Owens. I'm about 6'2".
I wear my grandfather's black trench coat,
Generally over either my nursing
scrubs or a white t-Shirt.
I'm new york, born and bred.
I've been here since
I've almost never left. I love it here.
The city, these are my people.
This is my space. I take care of it.
I am a steward of new york city.
I will be here until i die.
- Kingston, you wake up in your apartment.
This place is your sanctum.
What kind of stuff is around you
In your apartment right now?
- I mean, we got framed
jerseys, of course,
For my favorite hockey team,
the new york islanders.
Of course, i got framed jerseys.
I've got a very nice sound
system, mostly vinyl,
But not hipster vinyl, actual vinyl.
It's comfort over style.
There's a lot of trinkets and heirlooms
And things that my grandfather
or that my parents had
That they've given to me
Or things that i've collected from friends
Or people who i've worked
with, that adorn the walls.
- Beautiful, you put on your coat.
You look at and see a little bit of snow
Kick over the neighborhood,
And you feel the rate of your heart
Begin to match the rhythm
of the city around you.
You head downstairs. You're
up on the third floor.
You get down to the second floor.
Your mom, in a little night
cap with a little night gown,
Big thick spectacles,
clear-Framed spectacles,
Pops outta the door with a
plate of eggs and sausage.
- Mama, i can't, i gotta go to work.
I can't eat right now.
- Why can't you eat breakfast?
- Mom, i'm a 55 year old
man. I can feed myself.
- So you don't want my breakfast.
- I mean, of course i'm
gonna eat your breakfast.
I'm just saying that you
don't need to go through
All the trouble to make it for me.
- It's not a trouble
when you love somebody.
- All right. I go inside,
i take the plate inside.
- You take the plate inside.
Your mom is glowing with
just love and pride,
Having successfully trapped
you on the staircase.
There is so much more food waiting inside.
- Okay, ma, i thought
it was just this plate!
- What now?
- I thought it was just this plate.
- Okay, well there's a little more?
What do you want me to say?
- Well, i can't eat all of this.
I'm gonna eat what's on this
plate, and then i'm gonna go.
- Okay, you can take some with you.
- I can't take some with me.
- You could take some.
- I ain't gonna take some with me.
- You see that she
kisses you on the cheek,
And you can feel her old little hand
With this little ring on
it slip a little tupperware
Into the pocket of your coat.
- Ma what is this?
- I dunno.
- I'm not supporting this habit.
- What you do is your business.
You have a good tupperware
in your coat, that's for you.
- We're not gonna fight right now,
'cause i have to go to work.
I'm gonna take this food with me,
But we're gonna have words later.
- All right, i hope we do,
and kisses you on the cheek.
And you head downstairs.
You see that your niece and nephews
Come barreling outta the
first floor apartment
All late for school.
You see them putting shoes and stuff on,
Morning, uncle kingston!
- Good morning.
- Oh man, late for school.
- Why y'all late for school?
- Well, your cousin,
claude, leans his head out
And says, late for school
'cause of video games,
What are you gonna do?
How you doing, kingston?
- I'm doing well, claude, how are you?
- Ah, you know, another morning.
Didn't you work graveyard last night?
- Of course.
- You gonna make yourself
sick. Why are you doing that?
- I ain't gonna make myself sick.
I'm 55 years old, all right?
I can take care of my damn self, claude.
Why don't you work
On getting your children
to school on time.
- Claude, you can feel
like the spiritual energy
Of your cousin being put in
his place, and he is like...
- And then i put a hand on his shoulder.
I'm like, but being a father is tough,
And i understand that.
- You see that little
cooper looks up at you,
Who's your nine-Year-Old nephew.
He goes, oh, okay, so why
didn't you ever have kids?
- I see y'all children later.
- You head out the door. You
start walking down the street.
From all around the neighborhood you hear,
Hey, kingston brown, how's it going, man?
- Hey, how you doing johnny?
- I'm doing all right, you
know, keeping out of trouble.
Hey, thanks for that
thing with my sister, man.
You're a real swell guy.
- Hey man, fam, we take care
of each other, all right?
You're on the block.
You come ask kingston.
You need something, i give it to you.
- You see that he claps
you on the shoulder.
You go to the corner store.
You see cosmos there at the register.
He says, hey, there he is.
- Hey, what's going on, cos?
- You see, he puts the
coffee in front of you.
- Oh, it's the way i like it?
- As always.
- Black as hell. Just like me.
- You see, he smiles and says,
All right, man, you take it easy.
Hey, thanks for the thing
with my brother, by the way.
That was a real-
- Hey man, we're family,
All right, on this
block, if i can help you,
You come find me, i will.
- You take off. You walk
right out into traffic.
At this point, probably,
The cars would never
dream of hitting you here,
Not in your neighborhood.
- Never.
- You see the cars,
yeah, it's perfectly...
You do not need to break
your stride for the cars
To effortlessly zoom past
you in all directions.
You get to the other side.
You walk over to the bus stop.
The bus pulls in. Suzette
pulls up in the bus.
You see, she says, good
morning, mr. Kingston.
- Good morning, suzette.
- Oh, it's wonderful to see you.
- Wonderful to see you as well.
It hadn't been so long since
i was on the bus ride home.
- I know, well, i'm glad to
see you're up and at 'em again.
- Of course.
- As you take your
first step onto the bus,
You see that with no touch of anything,
The little light flicks green,
Your fare is taken care
of by the city itself.
You walk onto the bus,
And you start to head
off towards st. Owens.
Arriving at st. Owens,
what are the first things
That kingston gets up to in his day?
- First, walk straight
up to the receptionist.
Take out the tupperware
that my mother gave
And give it to her.
- Oh my god, i forgot to bring lunch!
- I thought so.
- Oh my god!
How do you know this stuff?
- Hey, what can i say?
You know, i know my
people, i know my city.
- You she says, this smells delicious.
- Well, i can't say i made it,
But i'll tell you, i
can promise it's good.
- You see, she smiles and says,
Give you best to my mother.
- Of course.
- You begin your day. You
say hi to emiko matsui.
She looks over and says,
kingston, it's a busy day
Ahead of us here.
- Okay.
- That guy, lowell masters, came in again.
He's back with a similar
problem from last time.
- Okay, well, somebody
needs to talk to him.
- She hands you a chart and
brings you over to a room.
You see that this guy is in here.
You see he's kind of a older, balding guy,
Looks like one of these
new york neighborhood guys.
He's got a thick mustache, looks up,
And you see, he goes, okay, uh...
Look, i'll tell you exactly what happened.
So it's pretty standard.
So i go around, 'cause
in the subways and stuff,
There's a lot of cool stuff down there,
And i found this, it looked
like some kind of bronze statue
Of a falcon or something like that.
I thought i'd pawn it for
a little bit of money,
But what i needed to do is i
needed to varnish it, right,
To get some of the rust off,
So i put some varnish on
it, and then what happened
Was i was getting ready for
a shower, so i was naked,
Was i was getting ready for
a shower, so i was naked,
Of course you understand, right?
And before i take a shower,
I like to have a little bowl of cereal,
Just something i like to do-
- Lowell, i'm gonna stop you right now.
- What happened is the
cereal's up on a tall shelf.
- Lowell, lowell-
- So there's a step
ladder to get up there.
- You gotta stop coming in here, lowell.
You gotta fix your
life, all right, lowell,
'cause i know for a fact...
Lowell, cut to the end of the story!
- I fell off the ladder and
the statue went up my butt.
- Yep.
Lowell, have you ever tried a therapist
Instead of a medical doctor?
- No, what
happened was it was an accident,
And it got up there.
- Okay, lowell, this is the
fourth time you've come up here
With something in your butt.
Let's be real right now,
lowell. Let's be real right now.
Lowell, how many times
have you come up here
With stuff in your butt?
- Four times.
- Four times.
We're gonna take the thing out your butt.
I'm not saying i'm gonna
deny you medical services.
I'm just saying that you need
To ask yourself some questions,
'cause i'll tell ya - I get in real close.
Ain't nothing wrong with being kinky.
I'll tell you that right now.
I'm not kinky, but ain't
nothing wrong with being kinky.
All right, so if you wanna
be kinky, that's fine,
Just be kinky safely, all right?
- You mean that, that really-
- 100%.
Ain't nothing wrong with being a freak.
- You're a good man, you're a good man,
Nurse brown, i appreciate that.
You're a good man.
- Of course.
Of course, no, what were you gonna say?
- I just, no one's ever
told me that before,
And i find a lot of these cool treasures
And artifacts and stuff like that,
And i put 'em up my
butt, and i just never...
I just like the feeling
of it going up there,
Knowing that someone put
a lot of time and effort
Into this sort of thing and...
- Hey, hey, i get it, all right?
You like f*ck' artifacts
or having artifacts f*ck you
Or something like that.
I'm not trying to get into
it, that's your business,
But you just need to figure
out how you can do it safely,
'cause i'll tell you,
It's expensive to come to the hospital.
It's expensive! Stop
paying all this money!
- You know, money's no object for me,
'cause i do sell these
artifacts afterwards.
- Oh for the money, okay.
What, i'm sorry, what? You sell 'em-
- No, no, no, no, i
clean 'em, i clean 'em.
- Okay, you know what, mr. Masters?
- I'm gonna head out. I'm gonna
get ready for the operation.
- Of course.
- It actually does look like
a tremendous spiritual weight.
Has been lifted from him.
A weird self-Loathing is now
gone, and he seems at peace.
It's a couple hours later.
You're talking with a buddy of yours.
This is actually one of the many trolls
That populate the rivers
around new york city.
It's a bridge and tunnel
troll, so he's a buddy of yours
Who works under the
george washington bridge.
He's going, thanks again,
man, this is great.
So basically, i take this,
And the warts will start coming back?
- Exactly.
- Okay.
- And if you wanna spend
some more time around water,
That wouldn't be a bad idea.
- Okay, yeah, it's just hard.
I haven't actually been in the river now,
'cause the whole thing is it's
all electronic these days.
- I mean, exactly.
- You know, back in the old days,
Trolls would have to jump out
and actually collect the toll
Or do a riddle or something,
And now you just, it's all
the e-Zpass and whatever else.
- Exactly, so hey,
That just means we gotta
put in that extra effort,
But there's time in the day.
There's always time in the
day. You just gotta find it.
- You're not wrong, man,
boom, doors swing open,
And ricky matsui comes in with
pete the plug under his arm.
- Put me down!
- You're gonna be okay, sir.
- Ricky, what's going on?
Have y'all two been
jumping on buildings again?
Ricky, i told you to stop
jumping on buildings.
- You're right, i can
do it very carefully,
And i don't suggest many other people...
I got a very sweet smelling man here.
- Excuse me.
- I'm sorry, sweet smelling?
- I don't know what you meant by that,
But yeah, my tooth fell
off, and now it's a candy.
Hey, how much is this gonna cost?
Just walking through this door,
I feel like i owe you 500 bucks.
- All right, money is not a...
Can i pull them into a quiet
room or a room that i know?
- Kingston, you walk
over to a supply closet
And through the supply closet,
A door that opens only to you,
And the subway token around
your neck glows bright.
Opens, and a room that you use
For when people from the
unsleeping city come here,
Opens to you.
Pete, you see this
weird magic door open up
Into this side chamber.
Ricky, you've been in here before.
You see your sister looks over at you
As you're walking into it and says,
Ricky, what are you doing here?
- Oh, my friend is kingston,
And we're gonna go talk about cars-
- Yeah, me and ricky are
friends. We like to bowl.
- How did that door open?
- Oh!
- Emiko looks over and says, what door?
And you look and see that the open door
Is covered in the same
weird flickering shadow fire
That i described from the guys before.
And you see that emiko
cannot see the open door.
- Hospitals have so much
money now. It's crazy.
- You take-
- I'll take... Great fantastic.
I take pete in the-
- The door is closed.
Pete, you're in there with kingston.
- Can i cast detect poison and disease?
- Yes you can. You hold
out your hand,
You know that today is santacon.
Normally, it's a little bit of a hassle
To clean up all those clones.
This is something you haven't seen before.
This is a very virulent, dangerous thing.
There is some kind of arcane virus
That is turning this kid's
bones into peppermint.
- What happened to you?
- How much can i tell you?
Can you turn me into the cops?
- What? No! What you talking about?
We're in a magic room right now.
- I don't know, look man,
Okay fine, i took some mushrooms.
- You took some mushrooms?
- I took more than normal
And then my dad floated away
on a bubble, a man hit my face.
- A man hit your face? Who hit your face?
- He bit my face.
- A man bit your face? Who bit your face?
- It was after i pushed
a happy face button,
And i let it all out.
- You let, i'm sorry, okay,
now i need to understand,
This disease looks like you
were bitten by a santa claus?
Okay, oh, is there something i can do?
What can i do with what i know?
- Gimme a, 'cause you have the spell up,
So gimme a medicine check with advantage,
'cause you're actively
looking at it right now.
- Great, okay, so that's 22
- Great, okay, so that's 22
And something that's not way less than 22.
- Cool, go ahead also and
give me an arcana check.
- Cool, go ahead also and
give me an arcana check.
- Great, 10.
- Okay.
You ascertain what's going on.
This kid has a magical disease
that you think you can treat
Here in the room with what you've got.
- Okay.
- There is something much
deeper and more profound,
Magically happening
That you don't think is an external virus.
You think that there's something medical
Or otherwise going on
with this kid, period.
- Great, all right. What's your name, son?
- Jeffrey.
- All right, jeffrey.
I'm gonna work on what
is the problem right now,
The thing that's got
your teeth popping out,
- Yeah.
- But we should talk after that,
'cause there's something going on.
- Yeah, yeah yeah.
- Okay, yeah, i actually have a doctor,
So if you could just tell
me what you were gonna do.
- Who's your doctor? I
can pull your records,
What's your doctor's name?
- He's a different kind of doc,
you probably don't know him.
- He's a different, what's
a different kind of doctor?
- He's just
like, he's probably not...
You don't know him, different circles.
- Give it a shot.
- He doesn't work in a place
like this, okay, he works-
- Give it a shot. What's his name?
- Hmm?
- What's his name?
- Doctor...
Doctor brinman.
- Brinman?
- I look at my bracelet. What does it say?
- Dr. Lugash primjitzki.
- It's dr. Primjitzki.
- Oh, why didn't you say so?
- Really?
- Yeah, of course.
Works in the warehouse down in brooklyn.
- Yes, yes, exactly.
- Of course!
Fantastic doctor!
- He has a popcorn machine.
- Yes, honestly, surprisingly good
For working under the table like he does.
That man could work in
a hospital like this,
Walk away with hundreds
of hundreds of hundreds
Of millions of dollars,
but he's a good man.
- That's so much money, man!
- I mean, what can i say?
I'm speaking in hyperbole
as they say. No, i'm done.
He could make a lot of
money. He's a good doctor.
Anyway, can i set to like fixing the-
- You put a syringe together.
There's a lot of stuff in this room
That is traditional
medicine, mixed with stuff
That is just some like arcane
tinctures, different things.
There's f*ck' basilisk venom in here
And unicorn blood and all that crazy sh*t.
You put a syringe together,
alcohol swab the area.
You administer it, and pete,
You feel the pain stop,
almost immediately.
And not only that, but you feel the sense
Of christmas cheer enter
your body for a second.
And you've still got that
one peppermint tooth there,
But other than that,
It appears like you are healed or better.
And you also feel a sense of...
There's a moment where
after you get the shot,
You two feel something.
Each of you guys roll just a wisdom check.
Actually you roll a charisma
check. You roll a wisdom check.
- 19.
- Over 20.
- Oh awesome, as you are healed,
You look up and you are looking at pete
And see this weird hallucinatory thing
Of bright lights, big city marquee
And twirling gouts of colorful magic.
You look at kingston
and see a golden light
You look at kingston
and see a golden light
Setting in between the rows of buildings
And this feeling of a golden light
In the heart of a happy city,
full of people and neighbors,
All beating together in one heart,
And your guys' magic
touches and steam
But then unites in some kind
of helix, woo, and disappears.
- The hell?
- Whoa, get away from me!
- What did you do to me?
- I don't know.
- I've been doing this for 30 years.
I've never seen nothing like that.
- f*ck i, what's happening?
- I don't know. Where did you come from?
- I don't know, i'm on
a lot of meds right now,
So maybe that was like
a weird combination.
- Go ahead, roll actually
just a history check for me.
- Oh, look at that, over 20, 23.
- You know who can help you figure out
Whatever the f*ck this is.
- Oh fantastic. What are you
doing today, you got some time?
- I was gonna, yeah-
- I got a friend who
could help us understand
What's going on right now.
- Okay, is it that weird buff dude?
- No, it's not that weird buff dude,
But he's probably gonna come along.
I don't know what you think of him.
- I feel like he would bully me.
- Nah, he's a nice dude. He's a nice dude.
Little dumb, but very nice.
- He's like a golden retriever.
- I like that. I haven't
heard that one before.
- You guys step outside.
Ricky, your sister's going,
That ny1 interview, look, a
lot of my friends are single.
It would be easy.
- Yeah, i just, i appreciate that.
I'm just looking for someone
that has a certain...
Your friends are nice,
But i'm just kind of focusing
on my career right now.
- Fine, fine, fine.
You guys walk out. You
see kingston and pete.
Pete looks healthy again.
And you guys take off into the snow.
Badaboom, badabam.
The snow
Whirls out as kingston,
Ricky and pete all head out from there.
Up into the sky,
Settling down in central park
In the middle of one of the streets
That crosses the park, down
through the manhole cover,
To water that melts into the dank, grimy,
Filthy subway tunnels of new york city.
A couple of mta workers
with their lanterns up,
Pick away at the side of the wall,
Doing some repairs from water damage.
And one of 'em says, i'm
telling you guys, i seen it.
It was this frigging big.
It was the size of a
frigging dog, i swear to god.
Shut the f*ck up, wally.
You did not see a rat the size of a dog.
I swear to god, i did! It was huge!
The thing was f*ck' enormous.
It was like, i don't
know, when it came out
I went, "ah!" and it looked right at me,
And i swear to god, it smiled!
He says, you're f*ck' crazy.
Talking about rats and f*ck' rat kings.
Rat kings are real.
You guys, you better wake up,
'cause rat kings are real.
They live in the sewers.
They were all tied together
by their tails, it's real.
You see the guys walk away and say,
Wally, you're a f*ck' idiot.
Walk away, wally goes, you
know, you say that now, but...
From the steel rafters
overhead, hidden in darkness,
Is our friend kugrash.
Murph, could you please
describe kugrash for us?
- Yes, uh, hey i'm a kugrash.
I look like a f*cked up master splinter.
I've got a hooked humpback.
I'm about two feet tall. I'm a ratman.
I've got a rusty metal staff
that looks like a pipe,
And then i wear rags
Made out of discarded
mta employee clothes.
And i live in the subway tunnels,
And i take care of the
discarded people of new york
And i take care of the
discarded people of new york
And the little beasts and the c*ck.
I am the sh*t that feeds the flies.
A dumpster druid.
- Kugrash, you look
down at wally who goes,
Okay, you guys believe what you want,
But i know what i saw.
- Hey, wally.
- Who's there, jesus, jesus christ?
- Who's there, jesus, jesus christ?
- I just makes some chittering sounds.
- Oh, you turned into
a rat. It's a miracle.
Wherever you are, rat jesus, i love you.
- He's such a sweet man.
- Kugrash, it's the day of santacon.
You're scampering around.
What are you getting up
to on a day like today?
- I think, oh, we are
absolutely f*cked this year.
We are f*cked every year.
We are not prepared.
I'm trying to find homeless people
And get 'em indoors and things like that.
- You scurry around.
You find a couple guys.
Some of the homeless who
have been around long enough,
Actually can see you now
and know who you are,
And a couple of them, you know,
You show up with food for them.
They go, ah kugrash, thanks, pal.
- Yeah, a lot of this stuff
is bread from restaurants.
People take it in their takeout bags.
They think they're gonna eat it,
And they don't eat the bread,
but it's still good bread.
I eat the real shitty stuff.
You can have the good stuff.
- I appreciate that, man,
that's real nice of you.
Had some bread, go ahead and
gimme an investigate check.
- Sure.
Not great, 11.
- You've been looking around.
Normally, in this insane day
Where all these f*ck' mutant santas
Fill the unsleeping city
And regular humans only
see it as a pub crawl,
But all the magical
denizens of new york know
That it's this weird thing
Where a bunch of gross
mutants bumble around
Until they get cleaned up.
You normally find a bag of
hot cocoa and treats and stuff
You normally find a bag of
hot cocoa and treats and stuff
From santa claus that he leaves for you
To distribute to homeless
people and things like that.
It's getting later in the day
and you haven't found it yet.
And you haven't heard from
him at all, which is weird.
- Santa, ya f*ck' bum,
where the hell are ya dude?
Where the hell is this dude?
- As you're scurrying around though,
You see an unconscious sofia
passed out in some garbage,
You see an unconscious sofia
passed out in some garbage,
A little bit covered in snow.
- You gotta be kidding.
People, we just walking past this?
We just see somebody passed out.
She's using a trash bag as a sleeping bag.
We're just gonna, all
right, everybody's walking.
All right, i'll do it.
I see that she's missing her shoes.
And i guess i probably have a little pack
Of little plastic bags and things with me,
So i make her some
makeshift plastic bag shoes
With rubber bands.
- Incredible, sofia, you wake
up with new plastic shoes
- Incredible, sofia, you wake
up with new plastic shoes
And maybe a little bit
of food next to you,
And you see - You're incredibly hungover -
And you see for the first
times through sober eyes,
Kugrash in front of you.
- Oh hey, it's you again.
- Oh my god, are you real?
- We talked about your
ex-Husband for a while, dale.
- I know i-
- For like three hours.
You and i hung out.
- I know i have that memory.
I just thought that maybe it
was too many wine coolers.
- You were insanely drunk.
You can hold it. You were
having a conversation.
- I'm sorry, are you a rat?
- Ah, sort of, i'm a ratman.
- Is this a santacon outfit?
Oh, you're in a santacon outfit.
I don't understand it thematically, but-
- Do not compare me to those f*ck.
- Oh, okay.
Someone from outside of new york comes in,
And everyone hates them.
Is that what it is, 'cause
they're from new jersey?
- What happened to your
face? You got punched?
- Yeah, but you should see the other guys,
What dale used to say.
- What the santacon, oh my, dale again?
- Yeah
- Were they santacon guys?
- No, it was, oh, i mean,
my memory's a little hazy,
But it was these guys,
And they were messing with these girls,
And then, y'know, i got in the way,
And i made sure the
girls were taken care of.
- That's good, y'know, there's not
Enough people like that anymore.
- Yeah, and they were tall.
They were really tall.
I'll leave it at that.
- Kugrash, you see two little c*ck
Out in this cold weather, which is crazy,
Skittering across a
railing very, very fast,
And you see that they
have two little hobo sacks
Over their shoulder and are
skittering along a railing.
- Hey fred, marty.
- Hey, what's going on, bud?
- Where're you guys going?
- We're getting the f*ck outta here.
- Oh yeah, santacon?
Did you see what happened to this lady?
- No, not santacon, some sh*t
just went down in the park.
- Some sh*t just went down at the park?
- Yeah, it was crazy.
- Well, f*ck me. What
happened at the park?
- I dunno, there was
like, what do you call it?
It was like a horse
carriage, but with no wheels.
It was just the carriage
part, no wheels on it,
And there was a bunch of horses
That had these big f*ck'
tumors coming outta their head.
- Reindeer, yeah, they're
santa's, you've certainly-
- What? No, these horses
had f*cked up tumors
Coming outta there head-
- It's called a reindeer!
- What?
- Don't worry about it.
I don't need to teach you everything-
- There were these f*cked
up horses with big f*ck-
- So santa is in the park.
- Well, i don't know,
'cause it was like a blast of green light
And sh*t like that.
And the f*ck' horses took off.
I hope they go see a doctor,
'cause, they're f*ck' sick.
- Is santa dead? Did somebody sh**t santa?
- I dunno, dude. I'm not religious.
- All right,
thanks, fred. Thanks, marty.
- All right, take care, bud!
You see they scurry off.
- Santa claus is real, and he's dead.
- Okay, i'm sorry, rewind.
You just made c*ck noises.
You just hissed at some c*ck
Who hissed back at you for what
looked like a conversation.
I mean, they gestured and everything.
- Yeah, well we were just making
- And then you said
something to me about santa?
- Bug noises for a full like minute.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, so i understand animals,
and they understand me.
Somethin' i picked up over the years.
- From being an animal.
- I'm a ratman.
We should go to the park.
Santa might be dead.
- Ah, why not?
Let me get a walk me down, and we can go.
- You know what, why
not? I'll have some too.
I can't go in there. I'm a rat.
- Right, sean!
- Oh, you see that sean
literally picks the iron up.
Jesus christ, you're wearing
the same clothes as last night.
- Is it a different day?
- It's a full different day, yeah.
- Gimme a couple of mike's hard.
- You want that in a coffee cup?
- Can i get one of those buckets
That you put the coronas in.
- Full of mike's hards?
- Yeah.
Like a painter's bucket.
- I'll see if we got a box.
He goes downstairs, minutes later,
You are walking down the
street with a full bucket
Of hard lemonade.
- I crack one.
- I'm swingin' it.
- I'm kugrash by the way. I
don't know if you remember.
- Kugrash, i'm sofia
- Sofia right? Yeah,
- Leeee- Bicicleta.
- We've met.
- Yeah, i am sorry that
i don't remember you.
- It's okay.
- But i will remember you now,
Because i'm very sober right
now, in fact, somewhat sick.
- Yeah, let's get a little f*cked up
And go see if santa's dead, huh?
- I think that sounds good.
- You set off to the park.
Each of you guys make an
investigate check for me.
Feel free, if you want to cast any magic
As well, to do that.
- I got a four.
- Nine.
- Four and nine, you guys
wander around the park
For a while.
- Do we find a hot dog stand?
- You guys for sure find a hot dog stand.
So the guy says, all right boss,
I getcha a hot dog? Hot dog?
- Uh, yeah, i lower my face
so no one sees i'm a rat.
- I got 'em. I got 'em, two hot dogs.
- Puts two hot dogs there, so he goes,
It's good, it's crazy, 'cause
i dunno if you guys heard,
There's a sort of fight
out in the promenade
Past here a little while ago.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
- Who was getting into it?
- He points through some hedges,
Heading off towards belvedere castle
Where the woods get a
little thicker in the park.
- Hey, you wanna go hiking?
- Let's go into the bushes.
- Yeah.
- You guys head into the
bushes. Give me a nature check.
- Okay, i'm a little better at that... 22!
- You go through the skittering thing.
You see some squirrels,
well hey there, kugrash!
- Hey, what's up? What's up, lenny?
- Oh, nothing much
christmas time.
You know it's easy to go-
- Yeah, christmas.
- We love christmas.
- It's f*ck' wonderful, man.
- I stole someone's keys.
- You stole, why the f*ck, lenny?
- Who knows?
- You f*ck' sociopath.
Give me the keys.
- f*ck you, dude!
- Dude, f*ck you, why?
- f*ck you!
He takes off into the branches.
- Lenny, you f*ck'
c*ck. He's a d*ck head.
f*ck' squirrels just steal
sh*t and put in their trees
Think the whole city belongs to them.
- I'm sorry, once again, rewind.
There was a bunch of gesticulation.
- Oh, he told me to, he
said "f*ck you," he ran off.
- Yeah, i saw he had a set of keys on him.
- You guys arrive in a clearing.
You see that there is an
enormous polished red sleigh.
You see that there is an
enormous polished red sleigh.
The area where reindeer would
be attached to the sleigh
Has been severed, and
there is a giant glove box
Has been severed, and
there is a giant glove box
Torn outta the front of the sleigh,
And there are things scattered throughout.
It looks like people have been rummaging
Through the sleigh here.
You see that there is
peppermint-Smelling blood,
Like white and red blood
spattered everywhere around here.
You see that there are also a number
Of small little green ivy leaves.
Of small little green ivy leaves.
With that 22 nature check,
These leaves are not
from the waking world.
These are from nod, the sixth borough.
In fact, with a 22, you smell them.
This is fairy magic that happened here,
Maybe not the peppermint blood,
But there's fairy magic happening here.
- Oh, it is the g*dd*mn pixies.
- What? I thought this was just a place
Kids take pictures with santa.
- Do you see what...
They mugged santa. They
stole all of his sh*t.
- Okay, again, santa's
real, and you're a rat.
- The pixies did this,
the sons of b*tches.
They're serious. This is bad.
Santa's f*cked. We are f*cked.
- I'm just going with this
ride. All right, yeah.
- You notice that there is a little glyph
Carved into the wood at
the front of the sleigh
That looks like it was broken somehow.
It's some fairy sh*t that
you don't know about,
But you do know who does.
- I think i know somebody
Who might be able to read this bullshit,
Whatever the f*ck this is.
- Yeah, this isn't greek
or anything like that.
- Oh, you speak greek.
- No, but i mean, i'm catholic,
So i've encountered greek
in a religious sense.
- Oh, that's good.
- Yeah.
- Hell yeah, so
you take off from there.
- Yeah, i'll take off.
- You guys both head out
from there, no need to roll.
The snow kicks up in the park
And whisps all the way downtown,
Past columbus circle and all
the way to broadway,
Where we see a line of fans,
clambering and cheering,
Holding their playbills
from different shows,
Because they're in line for a show
That actually hasn't opened yet.
They were lucky enough
to see some previews
For "midsummer nights," a musical version
Of shakespeare's classic,
"a midsummer night's dream."
Why not take the bard's original plays
And make them a musical?
The times square billboards
show all of the signs
For the show coming up.
The fans are all in the
cold, in the snow, waiting.
The stage door opens with a
dramatic swing, and siobhan,
Could you please describe
your character for us?
- Darlings, sweeties, i'm misty moore.
I'm a broadway diva, lover
of music, lover of energy,
I'm a broadway diva, lover
of music, lover of energy,
Lover of dance and light and
stars and music and brilliance.
I'm, well, a lady would never
say her age, so i won't.
I'm 4' something, maybe 5'
I'm 4' something, maybe 5'
Always wear a tap shoe, even outside.
And i'm just loving life, loving love.
- You step out. The
crowd erupts into cheers.
Your assistant, alissa,
and your pianist, benjamin,
Are behind you.
They walk out,
there's misty, misty, misty!
You see that there's a girl
with pigtails and braces,
Clearly this is something like
A 16-Year-Old midwestern girl.
She goes, oh
my god, misty moore!
I have this poster of the
original cast recording
Of company.
- Oh, my goodness, i haven't
seen one of these in years.
I mean, obviously i have
the one in my apartment,
Which is signed by all of the
cast, but this, a blank one!
Oh, i haven't seen one in years.
- Oh, it's incredible.
We just saw the show.
We were lucky enough to go
see it. You were amazing!
- Oh, i'm so glad. I'm so glad.
I'm so blessed and honored to do this work
For people like you, i don't do it for me.
I do it for people like you!
- As you say that, you see that her
And the other young
girls and boys around her
All just salivating.
You see that they all
say, my favorite song is
I actually did one of your songs,
And i did it in the way that you did it,
And this
high school play that i did,
I'm so moved!
A burgeoning, sweet, silvery,
golden pink and purple light
A burgeoning, sweet, silvery,
golden pink and purple light
Begins to [making whooshing
sound] come off of them.
And though they cannot
see it, you certainly can
And up into your nostrils,
And you feel like a million bucks.
- You know, as actors,
all of us, us actors,
We're just like-
- We're! You put us
In the word 'we' with yourself!
They just go f*ck' nuts.
You see alissa bends over
as you're signing stuff,
And you see, she says,
obviously of course,
Take as much time as you need, miss moore,
But we do have an appointment.
There's an interview happening
back at your penthouse.
- How do you spell rebecca, darling?
I don't wanna spell it wrong.
- Oh my god, you spell it r-E-B-E-C-C-A.
But some people call me becca
Or some people call me rebecca.
Which do you think is better?
I don't know for a stage name.
I haven't signed up for that yet.
I really wanna move to new york.
Do you think that's a bad idea?
- Everybody should move to new york,
But you know, some people should leave,
But you don't know until
you get here, darling.
- I can't wait to come here.
And again, you just see
these little silvery sparks
Come off of them, and you feel amazing.
You leave from this place.
You head back to your wonderful penthouse.
- I pour myself a vodka on the rocks.
- You see benjamin looks
over you and says, really?
You asked how to spell rebecca?
How many times have you
spelled rebecca in your life?
- I don't know, some people are weird,
And there's an h in there.
- I guess you're right.
You walk into your penthouse.
Huge entire walls are just glass windows.
Central park south,
looking out over the park.
Alissa comes over and brings a reporter in
From some entertainment magazine.
Hi, miss moore, i'll be doing
the interview with you today.
So, a pleasure to meet you.
Talk to me about working
with perry lafevre again.
- Ah, perry, my darling
perry. It's such an honor.
It's been such a time
since we worked together
And oh, he's such a beautiful director,
Just a beautiful man.
And we sit, and we really
dig into this work.
We dig into it together,
And we're really creating this character,
'cause obviously we all
know the shakespeare,
"midsummer night's dream,"
For so many people, the first
shakespeare that anybody does,
But we're really trying
to take a new twist
On a really new bent on
this character of titania.
- Writing all this down, he says,
And you're gonna be playing titania?
- Yes, i am titania, queen of the fairies,
Who, obviously in the original
play, has a smaller role,
But i really feel like we've beefed it up.
And you know, i'm not
a young woman anymore,
But i really feel like i can
hold myself on that stage,
And well, i don't wanna spoil
it too much for the fans,
But i think they're in for a surprise.
- As you say that, you are
no longer a young woman.
You look down at your
hand and you do, in fact,
See some liver spots,
some light things here,
And you can feel something
twinge inside you.
It's been maybe 40 or 50 years
It's been maybe 40 or 50 years
Since the last time you did it,
And you can feel this
body starting to tell you
That the time is fast approaching.
- Yeah, but that's showbiz!
- You continue talking
to this interviewer.
You're having your lovely
little vodka. It's wonderful.
The preview went smashingly.
You suddenly hear a noise
coming from the boiler.
You have one of those things
Where you have like your
own heating and everything,
So you don't have to
deal with anyone else.
But a little hall closet door opens up,
And an air vent pops out.
Kugrash and sofia-
- Oh my god,
You are a trip to hang out with.
- This is the real new york.
- I'm loving it. This is where i belong.
- So anyway, i'm so terribly sorry,
But i do have a show at 8:00.
So, alissa!
- Oh, sorry!
Coming right now, i'm so sorry!
That will not happen again.
- Yes, no it won't.
- You that she,
She comes over and says, that's all,
Miss moore needs her vocal rest.
Thank you so much, bye
bye bye bye bye bye bye!
She ushers him out. You turn around.
Your beautiful cream white carpets
Are bedecked with filth as
kugrash walks in with sofie.
- Oh my god, kug, is that misty moore?
- Yeah, it's misty.
Hey misty, its good to see you again.
- I saw you in "kinky boots!"
- You did?
- Oh my god.
- Oh, what a beautiful show.
- You radiated. You made that show.
- Oh, thank you so much.
It's such a beautiful story.
It's so important.
- The boots.
- Oh, i loved those boots.
- They're so kinky.
- They're so kinky.
- Hey misty, we think santa might be dead.
Do you know what this weird pixie sh*t is?
Oh, and i guess, was
it like on the sleigh?
- It was, but it was on
the glove compartment door.
You could have broken it off.
- Okay. Okay.
It has saliva all over it.
I ripped it out with
my... Can you read that?
- Yeah, why don't you put it down
On the coffee table right here?
Yes, the pixies, the park pixies,
Don confetti and all of his people.
- Yes, i think we found-
- Oh, i hate that little man.
Can i read it? What do i-
- Oh, you can absolutely read it.
Let me know if you're doing
any magic or stuff to it
Or you can go ahead and
make either an arcana check.
- I mean, it's seelie, i speak seelie.
- Yeah, it is seelie.
- Great.
Then i can just read it.
I can also do an arcana
check, but my arcana levels...
Darling, i don't study
magic. I just am magic.
- You look at it.
You recognize one element of this,
Which is immediately troubling to you.
This is a clear fae rune.
All it's about basically
is about breaking a ward
On something, breaking magical wards,
Which would make sense,
'cause santa's sleigh
Would be warded beyond imagination.
The thing that gave this
the juice to work though,
'cause normally a fairy,
especially some f*ck' pixies
Would not be able to
crack into santa's sleigh.
There's something being invoked here
And hidden within the room,
you recognize something.
You don't know what it
is or can't read it.
It's an infernal rune.
- Well, there's
something pretty nasty.
You know that religious, it's
one of those religious ones.
You know what, it's written in seelie,
But this is some dark nasty
stuff, just like...
- Some like devil sh*t.
- Yeah, infernal, nasty hell plane.
- Misty, you look at the rune again.
You don't read infernal,
but you do know who does.
- I think i know who can help us out
With this nasty little situation.
Maybe i'll put you in a
blanket and carry you over.
- Sure, yeah.
- Is that okay with you?
- I jump into her arms.
- It's mumu, it's not prada.
It's mumu, it's not prada.
- I'm just going through your drawers.
God, this place is so nice.
- Incredible, you guys take off.
Snow kicks off
From central park west.
We follow the snow through the air
As it wends its way.
Two gusts of snow as ricky,
kingston and pete and sofia,
Misty and kugrash converge on the steps
Of the public library by bryant park.
You guys, snow everywhere,
taxis, busy day.
It's getting into the mid afternoon,
And you guys spot each other
in these two groups of three.
- Kingston!
- Kingston, how's it goin'?
- Misty, kugrash, what's going on guys?
- I'm so sorry, are you mr. March?
- Oh yes, that's me.
- Oh my god.
The girls at the beauty
salon are gonna flip.
Can i take a selfie with you?
- Yeah, of course.
- Also guys, this is
jeffrey, jeffrey, this is...
- Jeffrey, hey.
- Hey, what's up?
- This is kugrash.
- Good to meet ya i'm kugrash.
- Oh my god.
- Are you a rat?
- I'm a ratman, yeah.
- I'm sorry if that was rude.
- You, pete, the mushrooms are done,
You're fully, so you
know that you're sober.
You know that you're sober.
The degree to which this
is all a fun little trip
Is fully leaving you, especially after
Whatever that shot kingston gave you was.
And suddenly, you hear a
booming voice to your right go,
Well, well, well, would you wish to enter?
One of the huge stone lions turns
And is speaking directly at you guys.
You hear a voice to your left,
I think they do wish to enter.
Hello, good to see you again.
- If you are gonna ask
us which one of you lies
And which one of you tells the truth,
We can skip it, we know.
- Both of us always lie.
- Yes, we know, that's the trick!
- We're not trying to
play these games, boys.
- Oh, let's play some
games. We guard the library.
We are the guardians of the
gramercy occult society.
Hello, oh, a new face.
Hello, i am orlando, and
this is my boyfriend, rovias.
- Okay, look, you guys,
this was really nice,
I don't really have time for
a puzzle room kind of thing.
- I do, i love this!
- All right.
- I'm not very good at them,
But i can definitely try my hardest guys.
- Welcome, welcome, welcome!
You guys see that the
two stone lions laugh
And are joking with you guys a bit.
They go, well, what
business brings you here
To the gramercy occult society?
- We need to talk to alejandro.
- Very well, then talk to him, you shall.
Let none bar the entry
of these companions.
And you see that a secret
stone door opens at diagonal
In the steps of the library, going down.
- Can i just say you've
been working on your voices,
And you sound great.
- You know that vocal
coach came by, thank you!
- It's really impressive,
Just since the last time
we spoke, it's great.
- It's hard, 'cause our
diaphragms are made of stone!
- What did you used to sound like?
- Hm?
What did you used to sound like?
- We used to sound a little like this.
- Awesome.
- Santa claus is dead, everyone.
- Oh well, great, let's go.
- You guys walk down into
the gramercy occult society,
The new york public library.
You go down the steps and
the steps immediately,
Like mc escher, so that
you're sideways, upside down,
Going through other doors,
And you arrive in an upside down library
Where the gravity's been reversed,
So you know that your heads
are pointed away from the sky,
But it looks totally normal to you.
Huge tall libraries
everywhere, covered in books.
And you see that a very old,
Extremely rotund man walks out.
He's got a big white
mustache, little flat cap
And comes out to talk to you guys.
He has the warmest eyes,
Just looks like an
extremely gregarious guy,
But he is definitely well into his 90s.
You see that this is
your friend, alejandro.
- Alejandro, what's going on man.
- Oh, kingston brown,
It is so good to see you again, my friend.
- Good to see you as well.
Hey, but we have a situation.
My man over here, jeffrey, got
some kind of santa disease.
I don't know what are y'all here for?
- Oh well, hm.
- Yes, we found santa's sleigh abandoned.
Reindeers gone.
- What?
- Some sort of attack from the pixies.
I found some little pixie mint stuff.
Yes, santa's real. You know that.
- Oh yes, santa's real. Is he?
How many people here are new?
- Who's new?
- What the f*ck is going on?
- Jeffrey, i think is pretty-
- I don't know, but i love this.
- His name's peter, i think.
- What?
- What? What, did you check my
bracelet when i was out, man?
- Yeah, it was dangling in
my face while i was running.
- You run so fast.
- It said something infernal on it.
- Alejandro looks at you
and says, wait a minute,
You are being serious, santa
claus is missing right now?
- Yeah, and somebody left behind
some kind of infernal rune.
- Yeah, i couldn't read it.
It's all infernal to me.
- He says, we've been
getting some strange reports,
Hold on, he touches a bookcase,
And a shimmering thing
of light appears over it,
And you see that there
are two, twin young women,
They look about 17 years old.
They are clearly
alejandro's granddaughters.
You might recognize them, but he says,
Ana, amelia, what is wrong?
Because they are clearly injured.
You see that the two of them say,
Grandpa, we're out here
fighting. Something's wrong.
These santacon clones,
they're not like normal.
They're really dangerous.
A bunch of them are coming!
We think they're coming from times square.
- Okay, this is the first
thing i think i can do to help.
I know how to fight.
- All right, wow.
- I don't know what the
f*ck else is going on,
But i can fight.
- Alejandro looks and says,
Ana, amelia, get to
safety right now. Hold on.
And you see that all of
these little running trains,
Like subway cars of light appear
And draw this insane subway
map rune in front of alejandro,
And he pushes it past
you, and it scans you.
And he grabs the light,
condenses it in his hand,
And says, i'm going to
see what is going on.
If my granddaughters are in trouble,
That means that things have
gotten very bad indeed.
They are very proficient
wizards, all right?
Wizards!
- I've been holding my g*n
this whole time, but incognito.
- What, you think i don't
know that you're strapped?
- Hm?
- Give it a shot, see what happen.
Why don't you give it a
shot and see what happens?
- I actually don't-
- Oh, please do it.
I love it when people do
this, go ahead, oh, i love it!
- Hey peter, put the g*n down.
- Is this a joke though?
Who are you guys working for?
- No, no, he can do it.
- You see a little
shield appears in front of him
And says, you think
i'm gonna walk ar- I've
Been a wizard in new
york city for 65 years,
You think a b*llet is
going to do the trick?
Listen to me.
You have been awakened
into the unsleeping city.
There is a world behind the world.
New york is a place of magic.
In this realm, the city that never sleeps,
The dream world and the waking
world co-Mingle, intertwine,
And in certain places, become one.
I do not know why it has happened.
We will find out in due time,
But you are now here in the
unsleeping city with all of us.
Magic is real,
And you better get your
f*ck' sh*t together
Or it's going to be a real bad look.
- Oh, epic.
- You see, he says, i will study this,
Make your way to times
square as soon as you can.
And he turns around and [making
whooshing sound] disappears.
- I just start running, let's go, guys!
- I feel like there's a faster
way for us to get there.
- Yeah, we don't need to run.
- I'll just chase mr. March.
- You guys head off. You walk out.
Kingston, you look out, and
you see your bus pulls up.
Kingston, you look out, and
you see your bus pulls up.
- Fantastic.
- You see suzette opens it and says,
Kingston, you're downtown now.
- Yeah, we need to get
to times square, pronto.
- You see she looks and for a second,
She looks like, no way,
is that on my route,
But she says, oh, i got mixed
up. I'm on the wrong route.
That's right, times square.
Next stop, times square!
Bing, bing! And a
traffic-Less street opens up
As kingston gets on the
bus, you guys take off.
As you pull into times square,
You see that times square is
empty, covered in snow and ice.
You see that times square is
empty, covered in snow and ice.
- This is like "the walking dead."
- In the center is an enormous icy cocoon,
A chrysalis of ice, and you look
And see swarming santacon clones.
h*, h*, h*!
The bus pulls away, and
i'm gonna need all of you
To roll initiative.
That's all for this episode
of "the unsleeping city."
Tune in next week, and
we'll catch you guys then.
Forget about it!
Strange icy fortress
And these horrifying, mutated
santa clauses all going...
Hohohoho, merry christmas!
Christmas, christmas, christmas.
- This is horrifying.
- What's the worst thing that could happen
In a wild magic surge?
- You could k*ll your entire party.
- Wait, kug is down?
- Everyone's so f*cked.
- The ice scatter.
- What the f*ck, no!
- Absolutely f*ck me.
- What the f*ck, no!
- Absolutely f*ck me.
- What the f*ck, no!
- Absolutely f*ck me.
- f*ck you, f*ck you!
- Santa, are you okay?
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03x01 - Start Spreading the News
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A tabletop role-playing game show produced by and broadcast on Dropout and created and generally hosted by Brennan Lee Mulligan as the show's regular Dungeon Master.
A tabletop role-playing game show produced by and broadcast on Dropout and created and generally hosted by Brennan Lee Mulligan as the show's regular Dungeon Master.