[deep swooshing]
[suspenseful music]
- Hello, and welcome to
"Dimension 20 Coffin Run."
I am your Game Master
and your story weaver,
Jasmine, ThatBronzeGirl, Bhullar,
and it is my honor and privilege
to be present here today
in the infamous D20 Dome.
But don't worry,
I've brought some of my
favorite people with me.
I have the intrepid, the
enigmatic, Isabella Roland.
[group cheering]
The absolutely f*cking
hilarious, Zac Oyama.
- Wow, wow.
[group cheering]
- Bella Lugosi's descendant
himself, Carlos Luna.
- Wow, wow.
[group cheering]
- Thanks, guys.
[Isabella] It's the hair.
- And of course, our very
own starlet, Erika Ishii.
- [Lou] Wow, wow.
- [Carlos] Whoa!
Stop.
- Are you ready, fang g*ng?
- [All] Blegh!
- I love it. Blegh!
I wear my vampire fangs all year round.
- I know.
- I love it.
- Maybe she was born with it.
- She is.
- [Carlos] Maybe it's a vampire.
- Maybe she's a vampire.
- Maybe it's anemia.
[group chuckling]
- Iron deficiency.
- Maybe it's a venereal disease!
- Who knows?
- Welcome to Transylvania,
home to barghests,
ghouls, globins, an impenetrable fog
that even the brightest
sun rays cannot burn away,
and home to your daddy
dearest, Count Dracula himself.
But Dracula isn't home right now.
He's left you all in charge,
as he has gone across
the sea to the New World,
somewhere across the ocean.
We see his imposing figure
cloaked in velvet that looks like night,
standing over a writing
desk, penning an incredibly,
vitally important letter for you, Squing.
[Squing groaning in excitement]
But things don't go exactly as he plans.
As he finishes the letter
and hands it to his valet
to be taken down to the
hotel counter and shipped,
we notice that a breeze blows it
right out of the letter carrying bag,
and it falls into the gutter,
where it mixes and percolates
and bastes in all of New York City's filth
before finally being noticed by someone.
A small child picks it up,
and instead of placing it in
the post box right next to it,
instead tries to use a lighter
to see if there's any money inside,
accidentally catching
about half of it on fire
before realizing it is indeed empty
and surrendering it to the post box.
This letter then goes across the ocean
in a rat-infested ship,
dined on by all the vermin
and all the insects you can imagine
before finally making it
to the Transylvania post.
And here, a bike messenger is tasked
with bringing it to the Gold Crona Inn.
Now, the bike ride is a very long one.
He stops for a break
and doesn't have any other paper to use.
And so the letter becomes the victim
to even more horrible defacement,
before finally, somehow,
scraps of it make it
to the innkeeper, a woman
you all know as Granny Dalca.
Granny Dalca takes the
scraps of the letter,
[sniffing] smells her hands,
places it carefully upon a tray,
along with a small sippy
cup of blood and a cookie.
Her stooped figure
carries it very carefully
up the many stairs and she
knocks on your door, Squing.
What does she see?
Whom does she see?
- Squing was probably sitting at his desk
trying to write some
poetry about the dark lord,
because Squing is, of course,
the first-bled spawn of
Count Dracula himself.
And as Squing is dressed head-to-toe
in a beautiful silk little boy garment
that, you know, like when you
see a creepy old painting,
maybe in a haunted
house, maybe just online,
if you search creepy little boy paintings-
[group laughing]
- Which you did.
- Yeah, which I did, and
you know, it was haunted.
It was a very haunted image.
It's sort of like a ruffly collar,
just real as pasty as you can be,
but with sort of the
Nosferatu potato-shaped head,
like first-season "Simpson's" Homer.
[group laughing]
He's like, "Yes?"
Pulls his vibrant blue silk
arm in front of his face,
he's like, "Yes, is there
someone at the door."
- Oh, it's me, your Granny Dalca.
Open up, Squingy.
Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.
- I will open, yes.
- Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.
- You see the door handle shake.
I will open it, but, please,
give me the respect I deserve
as the first vampire made by-
- Oh yes, I know you're the first one.
Knock, knock, knock, knock.
- One second.
Squing goes over and kind of
adjusts the ruffles of his,
whatever that's called. [laughing]
- Blouse.
- His blouse.
My blouse is all out of sorts
when I'm working on my creative endeavors.
Hmm, yes.
Opens the door, regards the granny.
You have my cookie?
[Erika snickering]
- Before you, you see a woman
whose skin is the color
of sand dunes at dusk.
Her hair is piled the atop her head
and is as tempestuous as her temper.
She's old, but she's still got it.
She's got like her corset all laced up,
the girls are sitting just right,
and a giant voluminous skirt
that actually trails out behind her.
It's turquoise and
embroidered with silver.
And she sees you and immediately
grabs one of your cheeks.
Oh, of course, I got your cookie.
I made them fresh just for you.
- Thank you, thank you so much.
But I, um, I would ask that
you don't grab my cheeks
like a little boy in front of everyone,
because although I dress this way,
I'm a man of respect
and I'm a man who should
be respected by everyone.
I'm very much an adult.
Is it chocolate chip or
what are we doing today?
- Oh, I did raisin.
- Raisin?
Like me.
And I take it.
[group laughing]
- She also has like a little
cup of blood on there for you.
It's been warmed up to body temperature.
- How delightful!
Just like Daddy makes it. [chuckling]
- Oh, speaking of your lord
father, he sent a letter.
- Oh, wow!
This is a letter?
[group laughing]
It looks like something the dog got at.
And then more dogs got at.
- Right, I can still smell it on my hands.
You might wanna watch out for that.
- [several long sniffs] Awful.
[intense sniff] Disgusting.
[sniff] God.
[sniff] It's like [sniff]-
[another sniff]
You lick it a little bit,
get some of that pecuina, you know.
- Oh, horrible.
Oh, gross.
[group laughing]
- [Carlos] Five minutes later.
- Augh, who could even do this?
Who would in their right
minds would taste it?
Not me.
Anyway, well, it's from...
It's from the Count himself.
- Well, I could kind of
discern his signature
at the bottom corner there.
- Yes, it's sort of hard to read.
It says 'ount ra', so.
[group laughing]
So, Count Dracula, yes, yes.
- Roll an investigation check.
- That is going to be 9. [laughing]
- I put a lot of it in my mouth.
Yeah, after, now that it's
like missing pieces from it
and it's even in a worse state
than it was when it got there.
It's already completely faded.
You barely are able to
make out just a few words.
The gist you get is that the lord's train
is going to arrive today
[Zac gasps]
in about 45 minutes.
- It's real, it's actually happening.
We've been here for so long
waiting for the Count himself,
and I feel as though, you know,
we got here two months ago, right?
- I mean, I've been counting the days,
if I'm being honest, no pressure.
It's been exactly 60 days, 2 hours,
- And we are definitely good for it.
I just wanna be clear.
- [Jasmine] I really hope so.
- I mean, obviously-
- Cause making your cookies,
you know, at my old age
and carrying them up seven
flights of stairs for you
just because you are too
lazy to go down there,
even though your body's hale and hearty,
and I'm just a poor
little old mortal woman.
You know, I try not to complain about it,
but I really do hope you're good for it.
- Yes, I am good for it.
And it is definitely understandable
that there would be a surcharge
and you'll have to just absolutely
ask somebody else about that.
[Isabella snickers]
But even so, we- we've
been here for some time
waiting for Papa to
come back and it feels-
- Oh, Papa, that's so cute!
And her hand goes to your cheek again.
- There's just sort of a divot
where it was already impressed in,
like the raisin skin that I have.
Listen, we've been waiting for some time
and I knew he would be here eventually.
And I thought he was...
He's never wrong.
He's never been wrong,
'cause he's Dracula.
Dracula is never wrong.
- I'm just gonna take
your word for it, buddy.
- Now, for it to be the day I kind of...
I haven't finished any of the poems
I was starting about him.
- And the carriage isn't ready either.
- The carriage isn't ready?
- No, you've been here for two months.
I don't even know if
anybody's fed the horses.
- Oh, no.
Well, I hope, I hope-
- [Jasmine] And you know how he gets
[Jasmine] about his coach.
- How many extra horses do you have?
Are there like 30 to 45
extra horses outside?
- Well, how many have you not eaten?
- Have I not eaten?
Well, I mean, I wasn't sure.
I thought it was sort of
like a buffet style situation
with horses here.
- I mean, but that leaves less
of a buffet style situation
in terms of who's gonna pull the coach.
- Do you have any sort of
children that are sturdy?
[Carlos laughing]
- You know, we might have a couple around
that might be able to pull it,
but the ones that don't have progeria
or other some such type of-
- Just might work.
[group laughing]
- Well, you know their little legs,
they can't move that fast.
- No, no, no.
- I'll leave you to it then.
I've gotta go downstairs and
make sure everything's good.
We got a bit of a talent
show type situation
happening in the lobby today.
- Oh, gosh.
Okay, well, it's very important
that we actually get
everyone mobilized for this.
Am I going to take any
steps to make this happen?
I'm not really that kinda guy.
I'm not sort of like-
- I thought you were the leader!
- I'm a leader in theory.
And in practice, not at all.
I don't like to maybe finish tasks,
accomplish things,
or do anything that is not
of ceremonial importance.
- So, is that lead from the front?
I think you're not really
leading if you're in the front.
you're just kinda one of the workers.
- [Zac] Exactly.
- And those that
aren't even on the page,
like if I were to draw a
diagram, they're somewhere else,
but they're pulling all the strings.
And you strike me as that type of a smart,
put together individual.
- Yes, I am that, a raisin-looking man
with a bunch of strings
tied to his fingers
and I'm not sure-
- With a raisin-like constitution.
- Yes.
Pushes his face back into the right shape
from where he's just been pinched earlier.
I don't know what these
strings are attached to,
but I am going to pull them.
- As you say this, you see
her kind of put the tray down
with your little sippy cup on it
on a table near the door
and sweep downstairs.
As soon as she leaves the door,
you see her kind of like...
Actually, you wouldn't see her.
She rolls her eyes.
[Prop pipe extends]
[Isabella and Zac gasp]
And goes downstairs.
That boy's gonna be the
f*cking death of me.
I swear to God, I've age 20 years
since he's f*cking been here.
He's gonna f*cking live forever,
and here I am in this f*cking sh*t h*le,
waiting on these m*therf*ckers.
Immortal.
- [Zac] Just have my sippy cup.
She thinks the world of me.
[group laughing]
- Making me lug his stupid f*cking cookies
up seven flights of
g*dd*mn f*cking stairs.
I didn't think your life
was gonna end here, Dalca.
And she actually bumps into you
as she's smoking and
coming down the stairs.
Oh, hey there, May, how's it going?
What does she see?
- She bumps into a young woman,
a stunning, classical,
gorgeous good looks,
regal, with long black locks
piled atop of her head,
wearing a gown that is the
height of 1850s fashion
and wrapped in furs.
And she looks at her a bit disdainfully.
- What's cooking, May?
- Oh, well, I was just gonna watch
the performance downstairs.
- Oh yeah, we got a real
firecracker down there.
We gotta get you on the
stage sometime, I feel like.
- Oh, really, me?!
No, stop it, do go on.
Go on though.
I did play in New York
in the Times Square.
- Oh yeah, the Times Square.
I think I've heard of it, you know?
Yeah, sure, if you're
okay working for exposure,
we'd be more than happy to
throw you on the old stage,
get you some new followers.
- I think that just might work, you know?
'Cause we're just waiting for
my husband to come back home,
and in the meantime it might
be good to kind of, you know,
eugh, uh, um
expose ourselves to these villagers.
- Oh, like literally?
- Yes, like you know?
- I'm always down
for some good exposure.
- Yes, you know, just
put it all out there.
- Well, I heard that's
what you do for the Count
six days a week.
- Oh, he's not around.
And usually, it's about seven days a week.
- That's a full-time job.
- Yes, but it's all worth it.
- Well, I imagine so.
Does he pay you for your services?
- What are we talking about here?
- You're hard working ladies.
- It's not about the money.
- Well, what's it about?
- [sniffs] It's about...
And her eye, like she
gazes out of the window
into the night, and a breeze
comes as if from nowhere
to tussle the curls and
the wisps of the gown.
It's about romance and drama.
[Jasmine snickers]
You see, we met when I was performing here
in this beautiful little
town of "Tran-sil-VAN-ya".
[group laughing]
I wasn't getting the parts that I wanted
in New York, you see?
But the moment that our eyes
met after that performance,
it was meant to be.
Ah, he's a lover of the arts,
an appreciator of the finer
things in life, like moi.
- Oh he might be a lover of the arts,
but I'm a lover of the
parts, if you get my drift.
- I don't.
- You know what, that's okay.
Oh, look, your friend's performing.
And she points down on the stage.
Who have you made friends with
during your two months in Fagari,
the railroad town we are in?
- I would say that I have made
like acquaintances with everyone.
I don't know if I'd call it friendship,
but if there's a local sort of performers
and like folksy performers,
it's quite charming.
And there's quite a lot to be
learned from these, you know,
independent productions.
- You look down at the stage
and you recognize Mikhail
who is a railroad worker
who is now trying to
moonlight as a singer,
after your encouragement,
after seeing your kind of glow.
And he sings a folksy song
and it goes something like...
♪ My wife left me for
a man from the swamp ♪
♪ We use to dance, we used to dump ♪
♪ That stupid swamp man I want to stomp ♪
[Jasmine clears her throat]
- [Isabella] More.
[group snickering]
- It's so true!
- More.
♪ I wish I had some fill and pomp ♪
- It's incredible.
♪ But f*ck that man from
that stinky swamp. ♪
- Yes.
- Yes.
[Erika clapping]
- [Zac] It's beautiful.
- How these simple folk
just have the most beautiful
and profound art inside of them.
It just goes to show you that, you know,
music is the universal language.
- As you say this, you
realize Granny Dalca
has left and wandered off,
kind of like plugging her ears,
and come behind the bar.
We're hearing the same display.
We see Aleksandr.
What do we see?
- Aleksandr, or informally,
Sasha, Astrovsky
um, is a
very frazzled-looking old man of 41.
Um,
His life has aged him.
Um,
He has a lot of stress lines.
His eyebrows are sort of always
like,
high up in the middle and
low down at the front.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
- [Jasmine] Yeah.
- And, um, he's always
got his big goggles on,
resting on his very stringy,
electrocuted, white, curly jewfro.
Um,
He's wearing a lab coat and, um, he is...
He is transfixed by Mikhail's performance,
[Jasmine Laughs]
[Isabella] enraptured.
As he's watching, sort of tinkering
with a, a Moscow mule
cup, the metal ones,
and making like a toy out of it
that has like little legs
that sort of dances around.
But he's watching Mikhail like,
it's beautiful.
There is science in everything,
so much we cannot understand,
how this man can sing about the swamp.
I wish I had such power.
But I only have tools.
- I mean, we also got vodka
because I'm pretty sure
that's what Mikhail's hopped up on.
- More vodka, please!
- Of course.
You see her pull out a bottle
and pour it into your toy with the legs,
the Moscow mule mug.
[Isabella laughing maniacally]
- Multi-purpose!
- [Jasmine] Make a slight of hand check.
- Okay.
[Carlos chuckles]
[Dice rolls]
- Um,
- A 7, I mean 9!
- Yeah, there's almost an
arcane air to Madame Dalca,
Granny Dalca, as you
all fondly refer to her.
- Is Madam Dalca, Granny
Dalca, also bartending?
- [Jasmine] Yes.
- Okay.
- She runs this establishment
from top to bottom.
- [Isabella] Beautiful.
- And as she pours in this vodka,
you see like a mist rise up,
and combined with your
own genius contraption,
this Moscow mule mug begins
to have a mind of its own.
As you go to sip and miss
that sleight of hand check,
it slips out of your hands
and actually starts bobbling
around on the table,
dancing to Mikhail's song
[Isabella maniacally laughing]
with vodka splishing over the top.
- [maniacally laughing] What?
What have you done?
I studied for decades
to learn what I know.
Do you understand?
And you put a little bit
of magic liquid into my toy
and turn it into something
incomprehensible by man.
Everything I know has been destroyed.
It's the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen in my life.
- Oh, I just love...
You know, out of this
whole party that came in,
I just love having you around.
You make me feel like I'm 17 again.
- [laughing] And you
make me feel like I'm 49.
[Erika laughing]
- I don't know if that's
a compliment or an insult.
- Neither do I.
- You know what, I'm gonna go with it.
- Could I have a regular glass
so I can drink some vodka?
- Of course.
- Thank you.
- You can have anything you want.
- Fantastic, Granny.
- I'm so happy you came to town.
Fagari was just so boring without you.
But then you come here
and you get excited about
the most mundane things,
and it makes me excited,
and it's like living
vicariously through you.
And I just love you.
Look at your little eyes and
your little crazed expression,
the way your hair stands up.
I could just eat you up.
Literally, I could just eat you right up.
- [gasps] And I'd let you.
My life is filled with pain. [laughing]
You know, when I came from
the old country, Granny,
it was under very dire circumstances,
and this crazed doctor
coming from the old country
to be and live under
and learn under the great Count Dracula.
- He's a pretty cool guy.
- He's a very magnificent man.
You and him with your
tricks that defy God,
defy science!
It's amazing how you can
just take a man's life work
and crash it!
- Render it completely just useless.
- Render it completely useless!
- It's like you wasted all
your time reading those books.
- It's like I wasted all of my time
reading those books, exactly!
- It's like you wasted your youth,
locked indoors, pouring over,
studying, memorizing tables and chemistry,
and you didn't even have to do it.
- You understand!
It's horrific and
magical at the same time.
- It's absolutely fabulous, darling.
You know, I'm gonna go...
Oh yeah, you might wanna
pass word along to May.
Uh,
The Count is gonna be back
in town in like 45 minutes.
- Holy f*ck, okay, we've gotta go.
May, get off the stage!
- [gasps] Oh, okay, what, why?
- The carriage is here, my darling.
- What for?
- The Count is coming.
[May screaming]
- Oh my god!
I'm so sorry, everybody.
We must delay this
soliloquy for another time!
- I'm so sorry, May,
I love your soliloquy.
[May excitedly sceams]
- Outside, Wetzel, you hear a scream,
as you are chatting with
the carriage driver,
a man you know as Drago,
one of the household staff.
He is about six foot seven,
stoop-shouldered a bit.
He has a large hump on his back.
His face is a bit gaunt in kind
of like an off-white color,
and his hair hangs around his face
in like kind of a matted, oily mess.
He's wearing a dapper suit, however,
and he's kind of absentmindedly
knocking the mud off of one
of the wheels with a stick.
- Yeah, I think he would see...
Uh,
He would see this once-handsome young man,
but he definitely has scars on his face.
You see parts of his skin
starting to roll a little bit,
roll.
- Ew.
- Every morning, he has
to glue them back down
'cause his skin has been flayed.
He has a metal arm.
His right arm is metal.
And he's wearing this big trench coat
and he has a little Daisy on the side.
But he's like very happy, very sunny.
I think if when we start
seeing them both outside,
he's humming that song [chuckling]
that we just heard on the inside.
[group laughing]
- [Isabella] The swamp man song!?
Oh, Jasmine, how did it go again?
♪ My wife left me- ♪
♪ My wife left me ♪
♪ From a man from the swamp ♪
♪ We liked to dance ♪
♪ We loved to stomp ♪
♪ Oh, I hate that swamp man ♪
[Group laughs]
- Oh, lovely song.
Don't you think, Drago?
- Yes, I, uh, I agree.
- Fantastic.
I'm loving it here.
Everything that goes on
in this town is fantastic.
Being able to stay with my
best friends at this inn,
waiting for CD to come in,
ooh, it's gonna be so great.
- [Jasmine] Uh, uh,
Uh, pardon, who is "see-dee"?
- Oh, Count Dracula.
Sprig was telling me he loves
it when people call him CD.
- Are you sure about that?
- I mean, Sprig is kind
of a string guy himself,
so uh yeah, I'm pretty sure.
- Squing?
- Squing.
Squing, what was he called?
- Squing.
- Squing, okay, gotcha.
- Okay.
You see like visible confusion
kind of wash over his face, and he's like,
I thought last man who give him nickname,
he cut off his hands and
hang him under bridge.
- Oh, ooh, okay.
[Carlos] uh,
[Isabella laughs]
New-new information, love
having new information.
He pulls out his notebook
and starts writing it down.
Um,
Ooh, so what's like your deal, man?
What do you wanna be?
You don't wanna be doing
this forever, right?
- You see him like kind of
rebooting several times over.
- I'm gonna be a vampire.
That's what I...
I just feel like that's
what I've been made for.
Y-
- You are going to be dhampir?
- I'm- I'm sorry, what? Uh,
- Dum, um, vum, vam, vampi- vampire?
Dhampir, you're going to be vampire?
- Absolutely, yeah.
- Wretched, cursed creature of night,
you're going to be that?
- I feel like, ooh, so here's the thing.
I feel like that gets a bad rap.
It's really not that bad.
Everyone that I've met
has been super nice.
- You know, Wetzel,
I care deeply for you.
I don't care much for people these days,
but you've never judged me,
for we are fellow disgusting human beings.
[group laughing]
- Well, hold on.
I feel like you're selling
yourself short on this one, okay?
You gotta get some self-esteem.
I've been talking to Dr. Aleks,
Dr. Aleks, phenomenal.
- How do I be like you?
Tell me.
Um,
- Well, I, I...
- I also want to have friends.
The life I've lived has
been so cold and lonely.
Since Savina passed away of the flu,
I have lived my life as though in daze,
hoping that one day maybe
I will find direction.
But really it's like looking
down barrel of empty darkness.
- The man is singing again!
[Isabella cackling]
[group laughing]
He's singing!
Oh, you gotta come over and check it out!
- He comes over and he says,
this man sings of his wife
who left him for man in swamp.
[Isabella guffawing]
My wife also left me.
♪ That man from the evening swamp ♪
[group laughing]
- He's so good, don't you think?
- At least his wife is still alive.
[group laughing as faint singing is heard]
[Jasmine]My wife is dead.
- I'm sorry, what?
- If she was with swamp man,
at least she would be happy.
- Oh my.
- I don't even have
that solace in my life.
[group laughing]
- Oh, um, ooh, that's pretty heavy.
Heavy stuff, heavy stuff.
Listen, this is only like the
third time we've hung out.
I love you, I love your vibe.
Didn't know all that
stuff about your wife,
but you know what?
Things are gonna change.
Everything is coming up Wetzel!
[group screaming]
- Okay.
- You know what?
I will start to say this myself
and maybe I will also
have friends one day.
Everything is coming up Wetzel.
- That's what I'm saying.
- You see a single tear.
[group laughing]
- Don't, don't, don't cry!
Listen, whenever I feel down,
I just pull out this really cool mirror
and I just give myself a little pep talk.
Hey, buddy.
You're doing good.
No need to cry in the bathtub.
- Oh my god.
- Buddy, I think you're fantastic.
You don't need other
people to validate you.
But when you're on top,
[whisper] m*therf*ckers are gonna pay.
Right?
- Can I try?
- Absolutely, yes!
[group laughing]
- Roll me a persuasion
to see how much you've like inspired him.
- Oh gosh.
- Yeah.
- 17, oh no, 19.
- 19.
You see him, like, change his demeanor,
like he changes his posture.
Drago, one day you walk past
and sh*t on the grave of your enemy.
- Yeah, yeah, more, more!
- God has taken Savina from you,
and therefore you will k*ll God.
- But no, also like about yourself,
not just about God.
- Oh, right.
- God plays an important role,
but go ahead, like what's
something about you that you like?
- I am tall.
- Oh!
- You are really tall.
- I've heard that people like tall men.
- That's very true.
- I have large manhood.
- What?
[group laughing]
- Wait, what was that part?
- I'm a manly man.
- Oh, yeah.
- Large manhood.
- Yeah, okay.
Usually when we talk into the mirror,
we don't mention...
That's fine, that's fine.
It's your mirror time, treat
it however you wanna treat it
[Erika laughing]
- I strike fear into people
which has made me alienated, but maybe-
- Going dark, bring it back up.
What do you do...
[Isabella laughing]
What do you in that spare time?
Oh, now you're smiling?
- I have a nice smile.
- You do have a nice smile, see?
You gotta end on a button.
- I am going to drive this carriage
and Count Dracula is going to fist-bump me
when I pull in, because he
says I'm a cool guy, man.
- Exactly, see how easy that is?
- That was the most difficult
thing I have done in my life.
- You k*lled it though, fantastic.
- Who are we k*lling?
- We're not kil-, no, what?
We're k*lling some-
No, you're k*lling it.
- Oh, right.
- In your life.
- Yes, my long life.
It never seems to end.
[Group laughs]
- Yeah, um-
- Look, the others have come.
[group laughing]
Outside of the Gold Crona Inn,
you see everyone come out.
As you exit and come out onto the street,
you see that you are in a
beautiful European town.
The buildings here are super
bright in primary colors,
blue, yellow, red.
Everything looks shiny and new
as though it's been washed and cleaned
and shined to perfection
for the Count's return.
The cobbled streets are largely empty
because it is nighttime when you come out,
which is probably a relief
for the vampires of the party.
- Squing pops out of the, uh,
the inn we've been staying at
into the darkness and
looks around for everyone.
He's like, um,
So the dark Lord is coming?
Is everyone places?
- Daddy's back!
- Aren't you excited?
- [Zac] Yes, Daddy.
- I am excited for Daddy to be back.
As the right hand of Daddy,
Nothing-
nothing is better in life
than being next to Daddy.
- Such a good boy.
- [Zac] Yes.
There's-
There's like a little dent of fingers,
soft just like memory foam skin.
- Such beautiful anatomy, I've
never seen anything like it.
- Yes, I have-
- How does it exist?
I-
- Long ago when it was just me and Dracula
when he created me in his image,
except that it was completely different
because no one really-
- looks like me
- You look nothing like each other.
- I know, but it was
because he had to figure out
how to transform creatures into vampire,
and he had to throw some stuff at the wall
to see what sticks.
- Spaghetti.
- Spaghetti, what?
- Is that why your head look like pasta?
- My head looks like sort of
both wet and dry pasta.
- Did he throw you against wall?
[Jasmine laughs]
- [Zac] Yes.
- Oh, sick.
- Undulating, uncomfortably.
- I can sort of make
another head by molding it.
- My brain is over there.
- It's like a kinda sand that
collapses back onto itself.
- If you were like working in an office,
you could play with me
while you were trying to
think about something.
- It's oddly relaxing, if you
wanna get in on this, Drago.
- It's like a stress ball.
- [Erika] Yeah!
- Squing, do you mind?
I know I ask you all the time,
may I take a sample of your head?
- [heavy sigh] If it will
help you get- be prepared
for when the Count arrives,
you may take a small sample of my head.
- It has nothing to do with the Count!
- Then give it back!
- I have to say my team,
esteemed colleagues,
confidants of Count Dracula,
I have not been outside for seven years.
So, this is a little frightening for me.
- This is the big day.
- It is the big day.
- [Erika] Big night.
- I'm very scared.
Disgraced Jewish scientist outdoors.
- Well, just scientist, okay, yeah.
[Isabella strangely laughing]
Sorry, okay, okay, okay.
- My family was run out
of my previous country.
- I'm so sorry, okay.
- It's okay.
- [Carlos] Okay, okay.
- But if we could get
a little bit of cover,
I would be appreciating it.
- Oh yes, I will.
I have prepared the insides.
I believe our shadow beasts
are somewhere in the stable.
I shall go retrieve them henceforth.
I am a beautiful individual
with many qualities to offer.
[Silent encouragement from Wetzel]
I have big manhood.
- [Zac] Wow.
- Wow!
- Good to know!
- Okay, yeah, good-
- I love when a man who looks
like a gaggle of branches
says he is beautiful!
- Good job.
You notice he stands a little straighter
'cause he feels like it worked.
- It's like the hunch
goes back a little bit.
- Is this what it's like to be popular?
And he walks off towards the stables
to retrieve your shadow beasts.
He has left the carriage door open.
Do any of you take the rider's seat,
or the driver's seat, I should say?
- I don't know if Squing would drive,
but definitely whatever feels
like the most important seat,
he will go for it.
Yes, of course, where I should be.
[Squing groaning]
[group laughing]
- [Carlos] Do you need help, buddy?
- I got it.
- Like a slug.
- [Carlos] Okay, cool.
- Like a slug.
- My head does undulate like a slug.
Do not put salt on it.
- A very important position for
a very important little boy.
- Yes, the little boy in charge.
[group laughing]
The oldest little boy of all time.
- What a horrible little
festering child of mine.
- Mummy. [laughing]
- Yes.
- Are you okay?
That looked like that hurt.
- Yes, often does hurt
to think about others
than me and just Dracula.
But I-, I'm expanding my consciousness
to understand that we
are all working together
to bring the Dark Lord to us.
And I will sit up here.
That's as vulnerable as I can be at all.
- Incredible to watch you live.
[Squing squelches]
- Where do the rest of you sit?
But I guess you kind of like need to know
what Dracula's ride looks like.
[group exclaiming]
It is a stretch carriage complete
with spokes on the wheels
to take out anybody else
that might try to cut you off
in Transylvanian traffic.
And of course, Dracula's
coffin compartment
is detachable-
- [Carlos] Ah, what!
- For maximum, you know, comfort.
- Pimp my carriage.
- Pimp my carriage.
- All the bells and whistles possible,
including a bell and a whistle.
- There is indeed a bell on the back
that announces Dracula's
sort of every time he'll...
What is it, alights the carriage
or when he descends from the carriage.
- Ring-a-ding-ding. [chuckling]
- Daddy.
[Giggles]
- Daddy, the bell is
for when daddy is home.
- Aleksandr is definitely like just
like flies into the carriage
afraid of the public
possibly seeing him.
- [Jasmine] Gotcha.
- I think Wetzel is on top,
like, um
almost like a lookout,
like right at the top part.
- [Jasmine] Ah, like right here?
- Yeah.
And he kinda likes it,
because when we start going really fast,
his jowls start like the skin flaps,
just start like moving
back and forth like that,
like a dog outside a car window, yeah.
- [Jasmine] May?
- May alights into the step
outside the carriage,
and as she leans out the window, uh,
she waves to the Inn and says:
- Farewell, simple townsfolk!
If we brought a little bit of
cheer to your dreary lives,
then that is all that we
could have ever asked for
with our art.
[group laughing]
Like slams the carriage door behind her.
- The whole thing shakes
as Drago comes back
with the four horses in tow.
These are strange beasts,
almost like this black fire-esque
mist kind of coalesces.
And every time they step, you
don't hear any clip-clopping.
Their eyes are dark like
voids looking into them
for the random passersby
is very unsettling.
And they're dressed up
like funeral horses.
It does take Drago a while
to track them all down
because you haven't been caring for them.
But thankfully, these
things are already dead, so.
He pulls up their rotted kind of carapaces
held together surely with dark magic
and will and nothing else,
hitches them to the carriage
and gets into the driver's seat himself.
He calls back into the
passenger compartment
that you are all in this
front part here, and he says:
Are we forgetting anything?
Are we all ready to go?
- So like, I'm on the way, right?
But I said I was gonna write 100 poems
for the entire time that we
were waiting for the Count.
- How many you got?
- Your poems!
- I got, like finished or-
- [Erika] Yeah!
- Zero, I have zero because
I'm not exactly a writer,
but like I'm trying to figure it out.
So, if anyone has any rhymes for Dracula.
- Dracula.
- Dracula, acula.
- [Zac] That's kind of where
I was getting really hung up.
Acula.
- [Erika] Backula.
- If there was ever-
- Scot bacula.
- Perhaps is a man who exists.
- In some time.
- So we got one, we got one.
- [Erika] Crakula?
- Crakula.
- Spectacula.
[group exclaiming]
- Oh, that was a real one.
- Drago!
- Slam dunk, Drago.
- A slam dunk from Drago.
- I feel like I am a new man,
even though eternity faces me down
and weighs on my shoulders.
- Me, too!
- Like a several pound bag.
But I am making people smile today,
and in that there is some small warmth
in this cold, endless existence
that I ask to be released from every day.
[Carlos chuckles]
- The camera shows the
wife in heaven, like,
my husband, he is doing so well.
[group laughing]
He is healing.
[Zoom out sound effect]
[Group Laughing]
- Carlos's internal camera.
- He cracks the reins and the
four dread beasts pull away
taking you to the rail station.
Now, it is 1855,
and this railway station
is the first of its kind
in this part of Europe.
It is shiny, it is new,
it is two stories tall.
There are even gas lights
lining the cobble road outside.
And in fact, the entire town of Fagari
has kind of come alive
and grown around this train station.
You do see, as you're kind of
pulling in with the carriage,
a train pulling in along the tracks.
There is some type of commotion
happening over to your left.
The station entrance is
kind of thrown wide open
and you see people kind
of milling in and about.
The people here are very different
than the local town
people you see in Fagari.
You see people from all walks of life,
but they're a lot more richly dressed,
almost as though they've
been dressed up for travel.
And you hear accents
of all different kinds.
- Wow, people can move
in way different ways
than when I was a kid.
When I was a child,
we would just have to fall down mountains.
[group laughing]
- What was that like, you
know, the 1830s, or...
- What year that was?
Gosh, lost track completely.
Um,
I wanna say two, but maybe
it was sooner than that.
Times have changed.
- You know, I remember the night
I accidentally run you
over with the carriage
and you were trampled by all
four of the horses in turn,
by all six of the wheels.
- And then you backed it up
and you went back that way.
- I went out of the way to hit you.
I thought you are some type
of geist from the swamp
who was attempting to take my soul.
- Everyone around here is
very hung up on swamps.
[Zac] And um,
- You took it like champ.
- I did, didn't I?
Hm.
- I still remember your cries
as all four of the horses trampled you.
It was like music to my ears.
- Wow, okay.
- A disgrace to humanity to
live through such a thing.
Basically walking road k*ll,
the most beautiful man
I've ever seen in my life.
- Thank you.
I am-
I am quite gorgeous.
[group laughing]
- As the door to one of the
train compartments opens,
people are spilling outside,
and now they're spilling
out of the front doors
of the train station. Um,
You don't see Dracula anywhere.
- Which carriage is he supposed to be in?
Did it say?
- I would have to imagine
the most fancy one there
is, the most beautiful.
- Is there a first class?
- Sorry, a forced class?
- A first class?
- A forced class, like you have-
- The first.
- Oh!
- Oh, first!
- First.
- I thought you were saying forest.
- Forest class.
- That would be fun!
- First class, yes.
- As you're saying this,
you see a well-dressed
man with a bowler hat
and a business card say:
Oh, a first class man, I'm
a first class man myself.
You look like you could
do business with me.
See, I'm in town looking for
some good new investments,
and you look like just the sort of chap
that I might be interested
in doing business with,
a first class kind of man
for a first class kind of business.
- Excuse me, sir, this is my adopted son,
and as his legal guardian,
I'm going to have to have any business
come through me first.
- Oh, of course, I'm so
sorry to skip the line.
I thought that this man
was your grandfather.
[group laughing]
- Yes, hmm, no, that is...
Actually, you're being very stupid.
That is my mummy.
- Well, he may be older
than me, maybe by decades,
we don't quite know.
- Maybe decades,
maybe thousands of years.
- It sounded like a couple millennial.
- I remember fire being new.
- Oh!
- He says such precious things!
Anyway, if you were in the first class,
did you see a very
handsome man, very pale,
possibly goatee?
- The only possible man prettier than me.
- I don't think I saw such a man. Uh,
oh, I did see a rather ornate coffin
being held up there, it was
taking up half the seats.
- Oh!
- That's him!
- Like gotta be him, right?
- Are you relatives of
the big man himself or...
- Yes, we are.
- Oh, I myself am a distant
cousin, six times removed.
- Of whom?
- Of the Count.
- Can I roll an insight check.
- You know him!
- Yes, roll an insight check.
I'm gonna do an opposed roll.
- [Zac] Okay.
Uh,
Oh yeah, I'm not good
at that, 13. [chuckling]
- I got a 14, so I just barely-
- [Zac] Ooh, okay.
He-
- His demeanor gives nothing away.
Looking at him physically,
you feel like he does share
some of the same planes of the face maybe,
but you can't quite tell.
- Okay, well.
- But the biggest thing you
get from the insight check
is it's almost like he's
trying to sell you something.
- And like where we are,
like people know of the count
all here.
- Yes.
- Everyone knows about him.
- He's got the biggest house on the hill.
- So what do you, what's your...
So you're a businessman?
You wanna make deals?
I have, of course, my
mother/business manager here.
- Slash maybe sister, we don't know.
- Slash sister or something like that.
- Well, yes, I wanted to
kind of work at preserving
some of Transylvania's deep
history, since, you know,
I hear that it's in my blood.
I feel like someone...
I mean, I'm sure you're all
doing a great job, right?
- Well, I've written about 80 half poems
and I'll say Dracula is.
[group laughing]
And now we've got one complete rhyme,
Dracula is spectacula.
that I guess I thought of?
- Oh, I guess that's how that went.
- Drago silently weeps in
the background. [laughing]
- I'm kind of lost in my poems.
- Wetzel is grinding his teeth
and staring at the train,
'cause all he wants to do is get in there
and get the coffin, see the Count.
He's just like, okay, yeah,
guys, poems are great.
We should probably jump inside
and go get that coffin right now, right?
- Of course.
- That's what I'm thinking.
- Well, suppose I'll
meet up with you later.
I'll leave my card with you.
- Oh!
And what does the card say?
- It is blank.
- Oh!
- [gasps] A criminal!
- Maybe something for
you to investigate later.
- That's dope as hell.
Let's get inside.
- Papa.
- One moment, may I see the card?
- Oh!
- I have on me my fantasmometer
that is active at the moment,
an invention that Aleks made.
And it can see anything that's invisible.
Um,
So, if I am able to look at the card
and see if there's any sort of
trick or invisibility on it,
I would be able to see that.
- Yeah, you see it immediately,
almost like ruins at the
edges kind of like come alight
in almost like liquid gold
veins running through the card.
And you do see on there Emil Ward.
- So he's someb- some-
he's someone's ward.
- Yes.
And underneath it says, um
"purveyor of native antiquities".
- I'm gonna need to use
'detect thoughts' real quick.
- [Jasmine] Go for it, yeah.
So I think as soon as you cast it,
you learn the surface level
thoughts of the individual.
And I think they make a wisdom save?
- Yes.
Oh, aha ha ha,
um, five.
- Oh!
[group laughing]
- You attempt to peer into his mind
and you're not able to
penetrate that layer deep inside
to figure out exactly
what his motivations are.
But what you do glean is that he doubts
that you are all related to the Count.
- Seems fine.
- He believes
that you're imposters.
- I believe he is a criminal.
- Oh.
Like of the sexy kind or just-
- Hard for me to know
whether a criminal is sexy or not, but-
- All non-violent crime is
sexy a little bit, right?
- Kinda, yeah!
- I can see that!
- I stopped myself from saying something.
[group laughing]
'Cause I don't wanna open-
- Like embezzling is sexy?
- [Erika] Oh, yeah.
- Littering, littering, sexy.
- Wow.
- Stick it to the man.
f*ck the planet.
- Parking tickets, the movie "Hackers."
- Public urination.
- You know, when you
gotta go, you gotta go.
- Aleks goes into the train.
[group laughing]
- Wait for me!
- Runs after him.
- You rush through the
crowded train station.
You attract a few looks.
There's a well-dressed woman
tending to like eight dogs
that she's just
disembarked the train with.
And sure enough, you
see a beautiful maroon,
lacquered train car.
Clearly, this has to
be the first class car.
And there perched precariously
right in the doorway
is a gorgeous coffin.
And you recognize the rosewood
and you recognize the saffron
smell emanating from it.
At its feet, you see
almost like a thin mist
that forms little hands
and crawls up the sides of the coffin.
This has to be him.
- So, I run up to the
coffin and I throw it wide.
Baby!
- As your hand touches the coffin,
it's intercepted rather
quickly by a pick ax.
- Oh!
- And when you look over,
there is a stout man with brown skin.
His tussled hair is
stuffed underneath the cap
and he is looking at
you a bit, not sternly,
but with a little bit of
authority in his voice.
- Get your pick ax off of my husband!
- Well, let me introduce myself.
Hello, ma'am, it's not my
intent to keep your husband here
locked away in this here contraption.
But we've got some grievances
here at the Local 47.
It's very important.
And you see behind him,
there are a group of
union railway workers,
all with blue scarves and blue hats.
- Sir!
Wetzel's going crazy,
like we are not opening up
this coffin fast enough.
Uh, sir, uh, excuse me.
Oh, if we can just remove the coffin,
we will be on our way,
thank you very much.
You're blocking a very important
reunion, um, right now if-
- Oh yeah, my heart goes out to ya.
- Wetzel, fetch the coffin.
- What do you mean, your
heart goes out to us?
What is going on here?
- Y'all were supposed
to send a representative
to the Local 47 meets
to discuss our contract.
It's lapsed.
You know, we've just
kind of been working here
and there's two months past dues
that need to be paid, you know.
I'm assuming y'all support unions.
- Where's Count Dracula?
- Around down these parts,
there are ways to do things.
Now I know you come from America
where the almighty dollar reigns supreme.
- We very specifically
do not come from America.
- With that Yankee accent?
- Are you from America?
- Well, yeah, why do
you think I came here?
- Okay.
- To get away from that
type of horrible mentality.
- I'm from Pangaea.
[group laughing]
- I'm wondering why
ever would we be needing
to pay dues to you?
Isn't that sort of what you do?
- You's do's dues?
- You's do's the dues.
- Can we open the f*cking coffin already?
- Make an intimidation check.
[group laughing]
- He's like wigging out.
- Yeah.
- We are so close.
Ooh.
- Oh.
Uh...
- [Zac] A friendly role there.
- 22.
- Well, thank you kindly.
You know, I'll reconvene with
you wonderful people later.
And in a classic middle America fashion,
he draws this out as
long as he possibly can.
- Goodbye!
- We slowly push out the-
- Wonderful evening.
Great weather, we're having, ain't it?
- Okay, goodbye.
- It's nice and gloomy
in this mist.
- Very cold for this time of year.
- Darkness.
[group laughing]
- As you cast darkness,
you notice he disappears.
And it's almost as though
you're left in this dark void
with this glistening coffin alone
and everything else has
kind of fallen away.
With an almost ethereal nature,
as you're gnawing on the
side of it, Wetzel, it opens.
You hear a pneumatic hiss
as the lid begins to slowly swing open.
As it does, this fog falls away slowly,
kind of occupying the space
around the four of you.
And you see this beautiful individual,
high cheek bones, manicured eyebrows,
impossibly large teeth
over plump, ruby red lips.
And he comes forward.
[Dramatic sound effects]
[group exclaiming]
Hello, kittens.
[Isabella laughing]
- Wow.
Hello!
- Meow.
- It's happening!
- It pleases me to see
you all here on time.
A feat, truly.
- We've been here for a little while,
but I mean, we're very happy to see you.
It's just I've missed you so much.
- Oh, you are but the most
precious fruit of my loins.
He takes one nail and
it lingers on your chin.
- Wow, Daddy's home.
- And you, my dear, how have
you fared in my absence?
- I missed you so much,
but now that you're here,
we can get back to making
adorable little babies.
- Sasha.
- My Count.
- Your brilliance, I feel it envelope me.
How I've missed your aura of intellect
in the presence of idiots.
- Likewise, my friend.
- Wetzel.
- Yes?
- How are you, my little flay thing.
- I'm doing pretty good. Um,
Made a bunch of new friends.
I got to hang out with
these guys over here.
A little tripped up by
this union dude early on.
But you look fantastic.
- How was your trip?
- [sighs] The New World contains delights.
I feel young again when I step in
a country that is new.
I'm sure you miss it, May.
- Hmm, eh.
- New stuff like wheels?
- Yes, I even partook
in something called a
"hot dog"
while in New York.
- [Carlos] Hot dog!
- I thought it would be a
little bit furrier than it was,
but I enjoyed it nonetheless.
- So, like a hell hound or...
- You would think.
- That New York street
meat, that's gonna get ya.
- But these union people you speak of,
I'm assuming you've taken care of things
in my two-year absence.
- Two, wait.
- Absolutely.
- It's been two years?
- Two!
- Yes, I wrote a letter
telling you of my ship's delay.
There was a storm at...
Did you not return to the manor?
[Squing stammers]
- Was it two whole years?
- Would you say that I
still have that horrible-
- Make a wisdom saving
throw, see if you brought it.
- No.
[Erika laughing]
- [Jasmine] You ate it.
- Yes.
- How time sort of-
- So, two years?
I misunderstood.
I think I sort of not like a...
Organization's not my key strength.
I've been more of a poetry guy.
Um,
Yes, I guess we...
- He came up with a
wonderful rhyme for you.
- That's what I've been working
on for the last two years.
Do you want to hear it?
Dracula is spectacula.
And that is my gift to you.
- Make a performance check, but-
- A quadruple disadvantage or...
- You're gonna make it in the box of Doom.
- Oh, wow!
[group laughing]
- Because you're talking to daddy dearest.
[intense music]
- I can't see it.
- 18.
[group gasping]
- 18?
- 19.
I've been working very hard
for the last two years.
- I have done dark
treacherous things in my life,
but the day I created you,
I did the one good thing
that I needed to do to atone for my sins.
- You're such a good father.
- You make me miss my children.
- It's like how I dream of the way
that you would talk to me.
This is like unreal.
- Also, Sasha, you have children?
- 15 boys.
- We've never seen them.
You've been here for years!
- They are in the old country.
- Oh!
- This is about my
compliment, everybody, please.
- Yes!
- Drago's outside crying.
[group laughing]
Stupid, stupid!
- Well, let us be off.
There's many things to take care of,
many things to discuss.
With a hand, he disperses the darkness.
There is something that's been
weighing heavy on my mind.
You all see, and boom!
A cannon ball comes flying.
- What?
- From your right, and for a moment,
you just see his face
frozen as half of his skull
is shattered.
- Oh!
No!
- A large gaping hole,
a sucking wound is left where
his chest cavity used to be.
He stands frozen for a moment,
and then slumps back into the coffin.
Roll for initiative.
- What?
- Master!
[Jasmine laughs, Carlos cries]
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- Lay it on me.
- [Isabella] Me first?
- Mm-hmm.
- I got a six, but I would like
to use my 'flash of genius'
and add five.
- Okay.
- So that I have an 11.
- Perfect.
- I have a 14.
- A 14.
- 21!
- Very nice, 21.
- 10.
[group laughing]
- And let's go to the battle.
Welcome to the train scene.
[group exclaiming]
The town of Fagari's pride and joy.
Yes, looking around you
on the station platform,
you see the beautiful first class car.
You see a bunch of vendors out front,
tons of crates and things like
that, that smell delicious
that have just been
offloaded from the train.
Behind you, you see the newly
constructed train station,
state of the art, first of its kind.
You know in your hearts that Drago
is really sad somewhere
on the other side of it.
You have gas lamps on this
beautiful cobble lit street road.
Should we take a look inside the station?
- Yeah, oh my gosh, what!?
- Yeah!
- Oh my god!
- Oh!
- Inside the station,
bustling full of life,
we have-
[group exclaiming]
Ticketing counters galore, a back office,
a front foyer, a little waiting room,
with tons of people going
about their business
from all walks of life.
You see some locals from the village.
You see some out-of-town tourists.
You see your friend
with the business card.
That's how much detail we have on set.
Thank you so much,
wonderful man, Rick Perry.
This is the sight that you see before you.
- My god.
- [Carlos] Love it.
- I wish I could enjoy this, but...
[Group laughs nervously]
- And enjoy it you shall,
because Carlos, Wetzel,
you are first up.
Where are you standing?
- Ooh, Wetzel!
- [Zac] It's a mini reveal.
- Oh my god.
- Yes, place yourself
where you would be standing
you think on the board.
We have Dracula's little coffin here, too.
- Where-
Where's Dracula?
- You see his broken body
with a huge hole missing out of it.
- [Carlos] Oh no, the master!
- Laying on the floor
slumped against the coffin.
- [Zac] Oh!
- [Carlos] uh!
- He looks rough.
That's not normally what he looks like.
- So, was I...
Where was I when the expl*si*n happened?
[Jasmine] You tell me.
- Oh, okay.
- [Jasmine] Yeah!
- I think I would be
groveling near the master.
- [Jasmine] Yeah, go ahead
and place yourself there.
- [Carlos] Okay.
So, let's put me right around this area.
- I know that there's such
a thing as a surprise round.
Should we have a grovel round?
- [Carlos] A grovel round.
- Right, yes.
There's a special
initiative for grovel rules.
- [Erika] The grovel.
- I always forget the rules for grovel.
- Second up in the initiative track,
we have Squing, Squing!
- [Erika] Oh my god!
- [Jasmine] We have a little blue boy!
- [Erika] The arms are
just a little too long!
- [Carlos] He's disgusting!
- He's beautiful and horrible
and disgusting.
- Exactly what you wanted.
- Gosh.
- Look at the ruffles.
- [Carlos] Just a little boy.
- He's just a sweet little,
ancient, timeless boy.
- Huge boy.
- [Zac] I have to admit,
I think he'd be just right
over there groveling.
- [Jasmine] Yeah, of course, yeah.
Do you want me to place him for you?
- [Zac] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- And then, of course, Aleksandr.
- [Isabella] Oh my god! [screams]
Oh, he's so cute!
My little green potion.
- Father of 15 boys.
- Father of 15 boys.
- [Jasmine] Good breeding stock.
- My fertile Marina.
- [Isabella] Just right there.
- Last but not least, May!
- [Carlos] [sing-songy] May.
- [Erika] Oh my gosh.
- [Jasmine] Straight
from Hollywood, darling.
[group laughing]
- [Erika] Rick Perry! Look at them!
Incredible!
It's perfect.
Um,
I'd be over at the coffin.
The coffin got knocked over?
- Yes, the blast of it, yea.
In fact, it would actually probably
be kind of like ajar here.
Press that down.
And Dracula has fallen back on it kind of
indisposed.
So, all at once, there is chaos.
You smell gunpowder in the air.
Probably a very familiar smell for you.
You smell that sort of
ashy, sulfury scent.
And behind you, you hear
a voice off to the left,
a gravelly voice,
and you see a filthy matted
head with one stroke of silver
kind of rise up from
these boxes over here.
A wicked hatchet-faced man kind of stands
taking cover behind these
crates and barrels here.
And he says: You fool, Kieran.
I told you, this is our shot.
May your aim be true.
Reload the cannon!
And off on a handcart in the distance,
you see this figure begin
to reload the cannon,
and you hear her say:
On it, master!
And then you hear him say:
Rally, Anti-Vampires Vampire Club!
- What?
- And that will be where
we call today's episode.
[group exclamations of protest]
And we will see you next time
right here on "Dimension 20: Coffin Run."
I know something you don't know.
[group exclaiming]
- How dare you.
- Egads.
- I worked a really long time on this.
I thought you'd be screaming in terror.
- I was doing some rapid
rewriting in my head.
- Oh no!
- He's dancing, he's f*cking dancing.
- Absolutely challenging imagery.
- Shut up, you f*cking letter eater!
I've had enough of you.
- Props, props, props, props, props!
[Isabella muttering]
- What do you suppose that means?
- I have no idea.
[group laughing]
- I'm sorry.
- Drago, can you press a button?
- Pop the trunk.
- Pop it.
- Yes, I will open trunk.
- Pop the trunk.
- Sheesh!
- Get out of my way.
- Ooh!
- Yes!
Yes!
- Oh, m*therf*cker.
[Carlos hissing]
One train leaves Transylvania at 3:00 p.m.
A handcart is approaching.
- Oh my god,
I never thought I'd have
to take that SAT's again.
- Do you know what's going on here?
[laughter]
- Do you know what's going on here?
[suspenseful music]
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14x01 - Down for the Count
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A tabletop role-playing game show produced by and broadcast on Dropout and created and generally hosted by Brennan Lee Mulligan as the show's regular Dungeon Master.
A tabletop role-playing game show produced by and broadcast on Dropout and created and generally hosted by Brennan Lee Mulligan as the show's regular Dungeon Master.