♪ Fools rush in where
angels fear to tread ♪
♪ And so I come to you, my
love, my heart above my head ♪
♪ Though I see
the danger there ♪
♪ If there's a chance for me
♪ Then I don't care
♪ Fools rush in where
wise men never go ♪
♪ But wise men
never fall in love ♪
♪ so how are they to know? ♪
♪ When we met, I
felt my life begin ♪
♪ So open up your heart
and let this fool rush in ♪
♪ Fools rush in where
wise men never go ♪
♪ But wise men never fall in
love, so how are they to know? ♪
♪ When we met, I
felt my life begin ♪
♪ So open up your heart
and let this fool rush in ♪
Watch the frickin'
gifts! Watch.
- Alright.
- "Frickin"?
- She said frickin'.
- Okay.
Hey, Len, watch.
You're gonna get
this shrimpy water
all over my coat.
You know what?
Just pretend like
you're driving your
family in the car.
Mom, not everybody is
a bad driver, okay?
Some people, like, go places
'cause they have
interests. They do things.
Look, I'm not gonna let you
ride with your friends, okay?
- I just don't get why.
- I'm just not gonna do it.
It doesn't make any sense.
It's legal.
It's not like I'm
committing a crime.
Andy, uh, you're
my eyes back there.
Keep a lookout for
those freaks, okay?
I swear this neighborhood
sometimes is like a freak show.
I think this is the year
I'm gonna put a-a-a bazooka
on top of the car.
- Kaboom!
- Ow! Ugh.
- Kaboom!
- You... You fricked up my hair.
You got it, honey. It's
gonna be a hell of a night.
Hell of a night.
Hey, how's my, uh... my
extended family face?
- ♪ Open up your heart
and let - It's very good.
- Keep your eyes on the road.
- Okay.
♪ This fool rush in
I have interests.
♪ Just open up your heart
Here comes the tunnel.
♪ This fool rush in
♪ Well, open up your heart
and let this fool rush in ♪
You ready, buddy?
Here we go. The old house.
Duck and cover.
- Hi!
- Hello.
Hey! How are you?
- Hi.
- Hi.
♪ You know that once upon a
time, I didn't need you so ♪
♪ It would have been so easy
then for me to turn and go ♪
Oh, look at you!
♪ But now there's no leaving
you, I know that for a fact ♪
♪ I'm at the point
of no return ♪
♪ And for me there'll
be no turning back ♪
Alright, let's move
everybody inside.
Close the door.
- I closed the door.
- The heat's going out.
- Everybody go inside.
- Move us in. Move us in.
Ugh. Twisted my ankle
in the damn divot
- in the front lawn.
- Divot?
Lenny boy, let's
get you a drink.
Yeah.
Divot? I don't know if
it's a hole in the ground.
- Hey, Ron.
- Lenny, buddy.
- Stirring the pot?
- How you doing?
Hopefully that's the only pot
you'll be stirring tonight.
Hey, Lenny.
I think you'll appreciate what
I did with the green beans.
Oh, yeah.
Blanched.
Gonna be a good year coming up.
Hey!
Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Kathleen.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- How are you?
- I'm fine.
- Yeah?
- And you?
- Trust me.
It's good to see you. I
haven't seen you in a while.
Yeah. Well,
alright. I'm gonna go
find a place for this.
All the ducks in a row?
Yeah, sure.
If some of the ducks
jump into the pond
a little early?
Is what it's.
Anyway, huh?
Exactly.
I think we're in a optimal
selling zone, as well.
Anyway, I want to wish you
and your wife and children
a very merry Christmas.
Oh, you're not married?
Well, never mind.
I got a whole chicken
nugget stuck in my braces.
or Huntington or something.
But that's always a spot where
it thinks it can save you time,
and then it's just a
total wild goose chase.
It's like half a mile on
the service road back...
- Hey!
- Hey!
Lenny, hey, where's your drink?
- It's, uh...
- You look fantastic.
Thanks. It's, uh... It's
the cane. I got a new one.
Yeah. Yeah. I see your point.
The black with a gold
band really suits you.
- Hey, Ray.
- Yeah.
You see all the
hors d'oeuvres here?
- Merry Christmas, guys.
- Merry Christmas.
Salami sticks again
this year, Ray?
Excuse me.
Mmm. They're a hit, Matty.
- What's this, Ray?
- Huh?
I'm gonna go put this
under the tree for you.
No, no, no, no, no! That's some
boring business stuff for work.
I got it.
Emily, get over here.
We have business.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, love.
You look beautiful.
Oh, my goodness. You
look like a magazine.
Oh, I used to look
like a magazine.
- Now I'm about to be a grandma.
- Don't say that. You look great.
Honey, put those
gifts by the tree.
- How about it?
- Okay, I'm gonna make you one.
Try to relax.
You've been top of your class.
So you can't stress about it.
It's so hard.
Think of other things, other
things you want to study.
Ugh.
- I need a lot more.
- When my kids were little?
- Uh-huh?
- I would never let them
out of my sight. Never.
And I fill it to the gizzard
with onions and garlic
and thyme and sausage.
And then my hand's
buttered. Right?
I massage the whole thing.
Almost like I'm...
Almost like I'm shampooing
someone's head, hmm?
They protect us, but you
never, ever want those police
to bring home your kids
the way they did Brucey.
Oh, yeah, I liked it.
- Hey, Gram.
- Very old-fashioned school.
Very old-fashioned.
- Hi, sweetheart. How are you?
- Good.
- That's my beautiful girl.
- Thank you.
- You didn't say that about me.
- I know, I know.
People are crazy. Oh, my
God. They're so crazy.
- I know.
- Right?
Yeah, honestly, I just... Oh.
- She's such a pain in the a*s.
- They all are.
I know, but I would be
so happy if you could,
like, work a little bit
of your magic on her,
because you know what
she needs right now
- is a little bit of magic.
- Well...
So that she could
turn her life around,
because otherwise...
Ugh, God, you're so
cold from outside.
- Yeah.
- Freezing, right?
- Yeah.
- Well, I did hear
it's just the right
temperature to wander around.
Yeah. Well, what
are you going to do?
You know, wintertime.
It's here. It's here.
Look at my kids,
- I have no magic.
- Why? Your kids are lovely.
Not even in this pinky finger.
- So are yours. So are yours.
- Used to be,
when she was this big. What's
happening? Where's Timmy?
- They're all grown now.
- He's sick! Oh, no!
You're gonna blink,
you're gonna blink,
- and they're gonna be grown.
- I know, I know.
So enjoy every minute.
Alright. We're
gonna go find Timmy.
Timmy's sick! Timmy's
sick! Timmy's sick! Hurry!
- Where are we going?
- Timmy's sick! Timmy's sick!
- Timmy's sick?
- Timmy's sick! Come on!
Timmy's sick again.
- Timmy's sick!
- Okay.
Hurry! Timmy's sick.
♪ Wherever he may go
♪ There isn't an
ocean too deep ♪
♪ A mountain so high it
can keep, keep me away ♪
♪ Away from my love
You know what he tells me?
"No can do, Dad. I have
a mission scheduled."
A mission?
That's right.
- What's the mission?
- How the hell should I know?
It's classified?
I mean, sometimes he
has the door closed.
You know, I think
he's onto something.
He's sticking to his g*ns.
This could be important.
This could be handy.
Look, everything's gonna be
remote control one day, right?
- Absolutely.
- So it might be a good idea
to have one of our
own behind the wheel.
Huh?
'Cause it's always been about
protecting a fort, right?
Since the early people,
survival of the fist.
It's always been that way
and always will be, right?
- Survival of the fist?
- Yeah.
The kid's locked in a
room for 14 hours a day
- playing video games.
- Come on, Matty,
cut him some slack, will you?
It's what kids do
now. They don't fight.
- They... They type.
- Exactly.
Can one of you goombas
fix the Roomba?
♪ I would climb the
highest mountain ♪
♪ And I'd tear down the moon
♪ These are the things,
the things I'd do for you ♪
♪ I would change November
showers to red roses in June ♪
♪ These are the things,
the things I'd do for you ♪
Stop.
- It's me!
- Hey!
- Aw, I gotta go.
- No.
Later! Not yet!
What the heck
happened to your face?
Yo, yo, yo. Go to your right.
- No, your other right.
- Grab that.
- No.
- Oh, yes.
Told you I could beat you.
Flank them. Flank them.
Oh, no.
Come on, baby, come on.
Baby, baby.
Baby.
Baby.
Oh, bro. They thought
they had a chance.
What does flank mean?
You know... get them.
Oh.
Whoa, someone down there.
Someone down there.
- No.
- On me, on me.
Oh, there you are.
Oh. Oh, sh**t. Oh.
I see them!
Oh, my God.
t*rrorists win.
Democracy fallen.
Five-minute respawn. Forget it.
You just got squiggled, dude.
I know. Hey, you want to play?
Me? Is it easy?
Yeah. I could just get
this unranked game here.
Not that bad.
Yo, where's Dragonfire?
I didn't have
him. Nico had him.
No, I didn't. I wasn't
with him the whole time.
- You had him.
- I can't even carry him.
He's too big.
Forget it. We have
to go soon anyways.
We got to be home for dinner.
Well, where's Dragonfire?
I got it.
Got this, buddy.
Dragonfire.
Dragonfire.
Real funny.
Dragonfire.
Dragonfire.
Lenny, we'll fix the
damn divots, okay?
It's not even a divot.
It's more like a crater.
Now, are you and Matty
drilling for oil or something?
- Oh, God.
- Don't worry. It's an easy fix.
Um, you just put some salt down.
I got a friend who can
do it for pretty cheap.
Lasts 60 years.
I can celebrate my 112th
right out there on the sod.
Can you come turn
this music off?
Yeah, Mom, just give me one sec.
in there for 20 minutes.
Ugh.
You okay?
You don't get rid of the
police. You keep the police.
Like, what, are they nuts? Huh?
You get rid of the
bad guys, right?
The bad people. You
keep the good, huh?
That... That's the way it's
always been and always will be.
'Cause if not, chaos
and insurrection.
- Okay, Brucey?
- Yeah!
Brucey, keep an eye
on my masterpiece.
I gotta go do a thing.
I got Bruce the funniest gift.
I cannot wait to see his
face. He's gonna freak.
Just wait.
My dad,
I got him one of
those back scratchers
that you see everywhere.
And have you seen
those prank golf ba*ls,
ones where you hit them and they
explode into a thousand pieces?
- You got him a back scratcher?
- Yeah, a really nice one, too.
So, are we gonna see
that boy you like later?
Greg Falk?
Did you get him anything?
What was I gonna say?
Um... Oh, my mom.
She's the worst to shop for.
I mean, birthdays,
anniversaries, Mother's Day,
it's just... I mean,
it's impossible.
I never know what to get her.
What'd you get yours?
Earrings.
Okay. That's what
I should have done.
Are they pretty?
Not really.
What are you doing on
the computer, Bill?!
♪ Angels live in
skies of blue ♪
♪ Alice comes from heaven, too
♪ Alice from above
♪ Has a face that makes
you want to fall in love ♪
♪ Though I only met
her late last night ♪
Look. What's the solution?
What's the alternative?
Ma is deteriorating
right now, okay?
And she needs around
the clock care.
I've got to get up at
and take her to the bathroom.
Something's got to be done.
That's why I think Sunrise
is the solution to all this.
Sunrise? Come on, Matty, this
is Mom you're talking about.
You're just gonna send her away?
She's happy. She looks good.
I'm sorry. We can't do that.
Ray, I know she looks happy,
and I know this is
all she's ever known,
but she's deteriorating. And
what happens when she falls
in the middle of the day,
in the middle of the night?
Who's gonna pick her
up off the floor? Bev?
Come on. What is all this
workout equipment for?
- You're strong.
- We all have her best interests
in mind. How long has she been
in that small bedroom, right?
For eight years. I mean,
Matt has done so much,
but there's just a
limit to what he can do.
You know, even if they
don't sell the house...
I mean, it's only a home.
You know, she's gonna
need so much more.
Nobody is selling Ma's house.
Okay, so you know what?
I'll take her in. Yeah.
I'll take her in.
Problem solved.
Alright, Ray, you're
gonna take her.
Ray, you're not taking
her. Nobody's taking her.
- This is my house.
- Why not?
- I don't like Sunrise.
- Let me dumb this down for you.
Who do they have
over there anyway?
Hired hands?
- Mercenaries?
- Okay, please, Ray.
I don't know, I don't know.
It's not gonna be easy.
None of this is gonna be easy.
We just have to work
together as a family.
Instead of arguing about
this, let's come together.
Let's pull it together
and see what we can do.
Let's see what she thinks.
What are you guys, gabbadost?
Get it through
your thick skulls.
This is for her. For her.
Look, she's not
gonna want to go.
Look, obviously she's
not gonna want to go.
But it's scary.
But we have to make the
right decision for her.
Kathleen, what happened to us
getting a live-in aide?
What... What happened to that?
Wasn't that a choice
that we were gonna...
- Wasn't that up for conversation?
- A live-in aide?
And who pays for that?
Salary, room and board?
And I gotta have a stranger
living in my house?
You can forget it. I
don't want that here.
Matty, we just have
to give her a chance.
It's very easy
for all you to say
because you don't live with
her. I do. I see it 24/7.
Forget about me.
What about my wife?
She's the one that's gotta
bear the brunt of all of this.
And it's putting
a strain on her.
- That's what... is for!
- Shut up, Ray!
You don't know what
you're talking about!
Matty, we can't
just push her out.
We're gonna push her
over the deep end.
Hello? That's what
I've been trying to say
for the last half a mile here.
How do we just do that?
Listen, all I'm gonna say is
Sunrise is a great choice.
But till we find the
perfect choice...
And Joe has to be thrilled.
- Oh, yeah.
- Three years without any work.
You know, she's not
a good homebody.
Well, who's a better
homebody than Joe's mom?
Ron?
Ron?
Here I go. Here I go.
Can I do it? Can I do it?
I need to go to the bathroom.
- Okay, buddy.
- Okay, okay.
- Let's go. Let's go.
- I love this guy.
Me, too.
He does so well
for himself, my Ty.
Oh, God bless him.
God bless him is right.
He's in computers.
- Yes.
- More or less.
What do you mean, more or less?
More. Not less. Not
ever less. More.
- Alright, Ma.
- Ma what?
Ma what? This is what
his ancestors do.
They're excellent at it.
And this is what they do.
And I'm so proud of him.
What do you mean, Ma?
Unbelievable. He's got
two offices, not one, two.
- Two?
- Two.
- Wow.
- And my daughter will say,
alright, Ma.
Eventually, the kids
are gonna move out.
Hopefully they'll
move out, right?
I don't know about Ricky.
I play darts.
Why... Why couldn't you raise
me to play like a fun sport
like basketball or baseball?
How many sports did I
put you in? You quit.
- You didn't like it.
- I didn't quit.
- Oh, no?
- You took me off the team.
I took you off one team, soccer,
'cause you embarrassed
me a little bit.
I don't like kicking the ball.
- What?
- It's... It...
I'm just so proud of my kids.
I love my family so much.
- Yeah, you can tell.
- You know?
- You should be.
- And it's just...
It's all about family. You
know what I'm saying, Lenny.
Yeah. It's a great family.
It is a great family.
And we love you,
and we love everybody
in this family.
Hey, buddy, thanks a
lot. And I love you guys.
- Appreciate that.
- From the jump.
You guys are great.
Don't worry. It's
all gonna be alright.
Kid's not gonna look like you.
You know, Lenny, I don't
think that's pretty funny.
- Yeah. Anyway...
- I'm teasing you.
And Bev's still talking
about, uh, about selling
maybe, going to the city?
- We've talked about it.
- The house?
Hey, I still think of this
as Grandma's house. Come on.
I'm sure Grandma's gonna
pull herself together.
These things happen
in phases, you know?
The cold is always
harder on an older body.
What do you know about
that, huh, Brucey?
That's how it is. That's
why you got so many
- people moving down to Florida.
- Oh, yeah?
We'll surround her with
some space heaters.
She'll be back on her
feet right away, huh?
That's a start.
Bruce, that makes
absolutely zero sense.
Just wait till springtime.
You'll see. Things
are gonna be fine.
♪ Oh, wind-up doll,
everyone knows ♪
♪ Wind it up and away it goes
♪ It does the things
it's taught to do ♪
♪ I guess I'm kind of
a wind up dolly, too ♪
♪ Wind me up, I really walk
♪ Wind me up, I really talk
♪ Wind me up, and I'll
come straight to you ♪
♪ Take me home,
I'm quite a prize ♪
♪ Wind me up, you'll realize
♪ Just how much a
wind-up doll can do ♪
♪ You can see what
makes me tick ♪
♪ Little springs and gears
♪ I can show you
one more trick ♪
♪ Break my heart,
I'll cry real tears ♪
♪ Wind me up, my
dreams will start ♪
♪ Here's a key,
unlock my heart ♪
♪ Wind-up dolls sometimes
get lonely, too ♪
♪ Wind me up, I'll
fall in love with you ♪
♪ Wind me up, I'll
fall in love ♪
♪ With you
That's Uncle Ron.
That's Uncle Ray right there.
I think that one is Aunt
Bev and Uncle Matthew
right there.
Uh, I don't really know who
that one is on the left.
Again, again.
Uh, that's Cousin Ricky.
That's Grandpa Henry.
- Thank you.
- Yeah. So, Ricky?
- Yeah.
- I got your notes
about the, uh...
You know, I gave your
notes a lot of thought,
and I think you're
gonna like the changes.
- Okay.
- And I got what you meant
about, uh, some of the
details not fitting in.
- Right, right. right, right.
- But, uh,
you know, it's like it's tough
putting it all together again.
- Mm.
- There's, uh,
pieces here and pieces
there, and, uh...
Sometimes I want to say one
thing, and then I'm not sure.
- You know what I'm saying?
- Yeah. Exactly.
But, uh, definitely, let me know
how it fits together
for you this time.
And, uh, it may not be perfect,
but it's moving in
the right direction.
I love it. It's gotta be
the best chapter so far.
And, um, I, uh...
I don't know, but... I
don't want to jinx it,
but it could be big.
Could be big. Could
be a bestseller.
- You know what I'm saying?
- Yeah, definitely.
I'm so excited to
read the next chapter.
- Thank you.
- It's really getting there.
Hey. Huh? Keep it close, okay?
- Okay. Yeah.
- Let's go!
- It's time, everyone!
- Oh.
- Holy!
- Oh.
Come on, let's go.
Hey, what happened
to the Muppets?
Let's go, Ricky!
Everyone, let's go!
- No, I don't want to go.
- Go ahead. I'll catch up.
- I'll catch up.
- Oh, my gosh.
Come on!
Ugh. Freezing my
"kaiyoons" off!
You know?
I mean, seriously.
Is it coming?
It's not coming,
guys! It's not coming!
- It's not coming!
- Don't lose faith.
Why do I even come here?
Uh, I think I see
something, guys.
- Let's take it out.
- Let just get out of here!
Geez. That's incredible.
Whoo-hoo! Come to Mama Claus!
Let's go!
That's my wife.
- I'm not paying taxes anymore.
- Yeah.
I haven't paid them in the
last eight years. Come on.
- There we go.
- Shocker.
- That's the right idea.
- That's the right idea.
Shocker. You're right,
sir. I'm not shocked.
I'm unemployed.
It's a waste of my time.
It's coming!
I don't know. I'm freezing.
It's here!
He's here!
Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes!
- That was cool.
- That was really good time.
And then they were
just so amazing.
Seeing all those
fire people up there.
It was worth the wait.
No, because she's like, oh, you
made me feel like a bad mom.
Like, I didn't know that.
- Bruce? Bruce.
- What's this? Who?
- Brucey.
- Who is it?
Did you guys see me?
- Oh, it's Brucey.
- Did you see me?
- Was it good?
- Dude!
- Good?
- Dude, that was awesome.
I was on the truck.
I was on the truck,
- and I was dancing.
- That was awesome.
- It was great, right? Yeah.
- Yeah!
I stayed in character
a whole week.
It'll take him forever.
He just wants that
little basement.
That's all he cares about,
that man cave of his.
The old smoking
hole. How could he?
Smoking hole? That's
exactly what it is.
I don't know what's
gonna happen.
All I know is it's time.
Something's gotta be done.
Very proud of you, you know?
Not every family gets
represented in the parade.
Ma still upset with you
not seeing her enough?
Is it that obvious?
Yeah.
Well, it's not easy. You
know, I got the kids.
I got Lenny and his health.
I don't know. I can't
be everywhere at once.
- Tough.
- Yeah.
So you really thinking
about selling the house?
It's already done.
Dear Lord, our Savior,
please bless the food
that is on this table
and the wonderful
people that sit around
who are here to join
for Christmas Eve.
And please, oh,
don't forget those
that are no longer with us,
Cousin Giuseppe, Aunt Mary,
Rosie, Ralph,
Deborah, Maryann,
Peter, John, and all.
Oh, I forgot the other people.
Let me see. Charles.
Carmine. Sebastian.
Sabatino. Angelina.
Ray, remember that time
we went to New Jersey,
and Matty had to pick you
up, your car broke down?
Well, I was telling my
girlfriend that story
the other day because
every time she goes away,
she always packs way too much.
Just like you, Ray.
And she couldn't believe
that you go road tripping
with a couch in your vehicle.
- Who does that?
- Oh, really?
- This guy.
- Yeah, you.
Just you, Ray.
Joe, could you hold this for me?
How long you been with
the Double R, Bill?
Uh, seven years now.
Spring chicken.
The baby.
I'm a baby.
Ty, honey, how's that
office expansion going?
You must be so excited.
It's been a little hectic,
but it's been exciting.
I'm looking forward
to see how we do.
You're gonna do amazing, honey.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Bear in mind,
there's continuous
fluctuations in the market.
And if the business expands too
quickly, it becomes insolvent.
And I've seen them... Hold on.
And I've seen them when they
just dissolve just like that.
- So just be careful.
- I appreciate that,
but we've got some
safety measures in place
- that should keep us in check.
- Safety measures?
You know how many times
I heard safety measures?
We had the stock
market crash in 1987.
We had safety measures in 2000
with the World Trade Centers.
All I'm trying to say
is just be careful.
If you expand too quickly,
believe me, it can happen.
You'll fail just like that.
Matty, he'll be
perfect. He'll be fine.
Thank you.
This food's delicious.
It was... It was
an ordeal of nuns.
Anyway, yeah, and
they were giving me...
As soon as they come on, they're
giving me problems about,
they want a discount on
account of their being nuns.
I'm like, I can't do that.
- We don't have that for you.
- What'd you say?
And that's exactly the way
they looked at me, too.
What are you talking
about? I missed that.
And they said that they would
say a prayer for me, too.
Hey.
Got that in my Army days.
Eric, what do you
do for a living?
I run an online web
community for anthro lovers.
For what?
The anthropomorphic community.
Like people who are animals.
We have forums and chats,
and people post pictures.
as of September.
Yeah, but how much
money is that?
- I'm only in it for the money.
- This guy plays keys.
Yeah, I play keys, but
this guy plays keys. Yeah.
You're so talented, dude.
I don't like to hear you
talk about yourself
like that. Seriously.
No, no. I'm talking about you.
Hey, Bruce. Do you
get paid for your job?
Mm, uh, firefighting?
- Yeah, that's a job.
- It's volunteer.
- Just volunteer.
- You just volunteer?
You don't get nothing?
You must get something.
- Pride.
- Pride.
You don't get any
perks from this stuff?
What's a perk?
Well, sometimes they
take you out to dinner.
- They give you a vacation.
- I've got some dinners.
So you are getting paid.
You just don't report that.
- Take it easy, kid.
- Not the reason you do it.
You do it 'cause you
like to help people.
- Right?
- I do like to help people.
- I know you do.
- So when does it start?
- Three weeks.
- Oh. So soon. That's great.
Yeah, it's really just
a secretary position.
It's not worth all
the excitement.
Oh, hey, come on, you know,
you're selling yourself short.
- That's a solid law firm.
- I don't know.
Listen. Look around.
You know, it's a family
of hardened criminals.
We've never had someone
on the other side before.
You know, you're the first.
It's like we're putting
someone on the moon.
Hey, you okay?
Oh. I'm sorry, I'm just...
I was just kidding around.
Yeah, I'm... I'm fine.
Emily, would you
hand me those rolls?
- Emily.
- What?
Pass me the rolls.
They're close enough to you.
You really want to
spend dinner like this?
Can you pass me the
cranberry sauce?
What is it with you two?
It's not mission impossible.
- We'll show you how it's done.
- Thank you.
Don't help, Matty.
It's very simple.
Don't mention it.
Hey, Matty. I thought you said
you had this place cleaned.
Huh?
What's going on?
Hey, run while you can.
I didn't think about eating
the chicken before my speech.
Let's go, let's go.
We want to hear.
Okay. Hold on.
Yo!
- Thanks, Mom.
- You're welcome.
I like to start with Mom.
She takes care of me so much.
- Yes, she does.
- She changed my diapers
until I was, I
don't know, 7 or 8.
I was a late bloomer.
I was a late bloomer.
Mom had to buy so many Pampers
that I thought she was
gonna create a new brand.
She had a brain
about the Pampers.
And, um, you know, I look
forward to this all year.
And, uh, whether it's
Christmas Eve or Easter
or July 4th, the
birth of our country,
um,
I'm always gonna look forward
to the holidays with youse all.
Yes. Yes.
Um, and I'd just like to say,
uh, just a couple more words,
if youse don't
mind. Do you mind?
- No.
- You sure?
- Just keep that nice...
- Today...
Thank you.
- Today...
- You think?
Let me eat those.
- Let him finish.
- Have, you know, have a bite.
Um, today at the parade
was, um, it was something
that I-I keep extremely
dear to my heart.
Um, I look forward
to it very much,
because when I was
young, as Mom knows,
I always wanted to be an
actor and a performer.
And, um, you know, I
gave up on those dreams
when I got into trouble.
But no matter how much life
kicks you when you're down,
you gotta get up.
Because you gotta kick life back
and tell life it's your foot.
It's not its foot. It's
your... It's your foot.
So, uh, everybody, uh,
pick your glasses up,
- and, um...
- Here's to feet.
I'd like to, uh, say,
uh, our foot, huh?
- Our foot!
- Our foot!
Our foot!
Chin don! Chin don.
- Chin don.
- Chin don!
- Chin don!
- Chin don!
I never eat like this.
Never eat like this. Never.
It's called the cherry affogato.
Cherry after gato.
Cherry affogato.
- Yeah. Really good.
- Cherry after gato.
That's right. For
you little ones,
it's decaf. I think. And
it's a special dessert
that our family has been
making for over 30 years.
Grandpa Henry used to make
them every Christmas Eve.
- Say thank you.
- Thank you.
Come on, guys,
let's go. Come on.
Hurry, hurry, hurry,
hurry, hurry, hurry!
Oh, this is for Andrew.
Here you go.
Wow. Merry Christmas.
Alright, who's next
here? Who's next?
Where's Joey? Where's
Joey? I can't...
Can you catch it? Can you catch?
Catch.
Wow!
- Very similar.
- Bev.
Thank you, Secret Santa.
- Spit fire over the middle.
- Oh, sure I can.
- Who's next?
- Me!
Nope. Who's next?
- Who's left?
- Oh, wow. Look at that.
- Who's this?
- Mine!
Oh, my God. Yes,
it is, Henrietta.
There you go.
I really love this.
♪ The raindrops kissed
the flower beds ♪
Oh, my God.
Hey, what do you
think it is, bud?
I don't know.
♪ A perfumed "thank you"
they seemed to say ♪
- Uh...
- Oh.
- Oh, my God.
- Ah.
Oh, what's this?
♪ Surely here was
charm beyond compare
♪ To view
Aww, look, Grandma.
♪ Maybe it was just
that I was there ♪
- Is that you?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
♪ With you
When I had a full head of hair.
♪ The raindrops kissed
the flower beds ♪
Oh, no! It's Matty!
♪ The blossoms raised
their thirsty heads ♪
♪ A perfumed "thank you"
they seemed to say ♪
Aww.
♪ Surely here was
charm beyond compare ♪
Oh, Judy.
Oh, God.
♪ Maybe it was just
that I was there ♪
♪ With you
♪ 'Twas just a
garden in the rain ♪
♪ But then the sun
came out again ♪
- Oh, look at her.
- Oh, it's all over her face.
♪ And sent us
happily on our way ♪
♪ Twas just a
garden in the rain ♪
♪ But then the sun
came out again ♪
♪ And sent us
happily on our way ♪
What did Secret Santa get you?
Hmm? Nothing. Thank you.
What? She didn't
get you anything?
- No, nothing.
- Thought she, uh...
Oh, God.
Oh! What a great gift.
Look at that. I've never
seen them like that.
These are three of
my favorite crackers.
Thank you.
What the sh*t was that?
Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t.
Go, go, go!
That was crazy.
My sneakout was insane.
My mom was passed out, and
my dad was out at work.
I could have rang the doorbell
on the way out if I wanted to,
really.
Oh, Salwen.
Craig Salwen.
Hey.
I think we met at a bar
mitzvah or something,
like years ago.
Ah. Sure we did.
Mine was crazy. I
left my socks inside,
so I had to go back inside,
and I couldn't get the window
open for like two minutes.
- Oh, no.
- I was like shaking.
- Do you feel?
- Oh. Yeah. Wow.
Just kicking and
kicking, you know?
How many times have
you been on the walk?
This is gonna be
year number five.
I can't believe you
keep coming back.
I'm kidding.
I love you guys.
You kidding me?
- Yeah.
- I mean, compared to my family?
- Really?
- Well...
I don't... I'm
waiting for mine.
- This one's mine.
- Wait, where's Emily?
Okay. This is... This is great.
Hey, Ray. Ray.
You coming with us?
No, no, no. I'll hang
out here for once.
It's too cold out there.
Come on. Come with the family.
No. I'm good.
I was sleeping upstairs.
Put your coat on.
I'm alright, Ron.
Go have some fun.
I'll see you soon.
You always hanging back, Ray.
Alright, suit
yourself. Keep warm.
Alright. Fine.
I missed you.
- Hey, Andrew.
- Yeah?
- Where's Emily?
- She's sleeping.
- She's sleeping?
- Yeah.
- Where?
- In that bedroom.
The bedroom with
no mattress in it?
No, she's at...
Well, she's in the bedroom
to the right of that one.
Oh. Okay.
What are you gonna do?
How come your face
looks like that?
No reason.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Let's go, people.
Time for the walk.
Let's go!
Jesus Christmas.
Alright. Let's go.
What's with the mailbox?
I told you this was a
drug addict neighborhood.
Chaos and insurrection.
♪ Standing on the corner
in my new blue jeans ♪
♪ Dreamin' 'bout the
girl in my limousine ♪
♪ Ev'rybody's talking 'bout
♪ The world's greatest
rock 'n roll band ♪
♪ News boy on the corner
says hold on, kid ♪
♪ What's the use of dreaming
'bout a rich guy's greed? ♪
♪ Get yourself a-boppin'
♪ With the world's greatest
rock 'n roll band ♪
Those guys are totally crazy.
Is he cute?
- Are you insane?
- No, no.
- They're monsters.
- Yeah. You see that tall one?
His name is Splint.
They're all the same height.
He's the one in the middle.
He sold drugs to Graham that
put him in the hospital.
And he's still messed up.
And he, like, he beat
up that little kid.
Like I'm talking
like little kid.
Like he was like
under 4 feet tall.
Screw that guy.
Should we go talk to them?
- Are you crazy?
- I'm joking!
They're failures.
What the heck?
- What is that?
- Uh, lock the doors.
- Yo, yo, what?
- Yeah.
Yo. Yo.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, my God.
Do you see those guys?
- Yes, we saw them.
- They saw you, too.
I think they saw us.
You know, we've
been planning that
for the last like 40 minutes.
That was crazy. We're like...
We're all like what? I mean,
I knew it was you guys.
Yeah, sure, sure, you do.
Grave diggers!
Oh, my...
- Go, go, go.
- Go, go, go, go, go.
- Dude, come on.
- Go, go, go, go!
What, you don't think they'll
dig up my grandma, do you?
♪ No one else can make me
feel this way but my guy ♪
♪ My guy, my guy, my guy
♪ Let me tell you,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ He makes me lose my
mind almost every night ♪
♪ He makes me feel so fine
when he holds me tight, oh ♪
♪ No one else can make me
feel this way but my guy ♪
♪ My guy, my guy, my guy
♪ Each time we're in a crowd,
he makes me feel so tall ♪
♪ And when we're out alone,
my baby's such a ball, oh ♪
♪ No one else can make me
feel this way but my guy ♪
Ah! Freegans!
I'll catch those
freegans. You'll see.
Friggin' assholes.
No pumpernickel? Huh?
No pumpernickel.
No pumpernickel.
To be 15 again. Am I right?
Yeah.
- Are you done with this?
- Yeah.
Thank you.
- Are you nervous now?
- No.
Are you nervous now?
Yes.
Hey, yo. How we doing?
- Yo.
- What's up, what's up?
- What's up, Greg?
- Good job, man.
Boom.
Yo, Greg. We just found out
that all our dads
are narcissists.
Is your dad a narcissist?
Whoa, whoa. Slow
down. I just sat down.
This kid's already asking
if my dad's a narcissist.
Salwen's been busting
our chains all night?
Hey, yeah, big news.
So, are you getting
out of here later?
- Yeah, in like 20 minutes.
- Alright, cool.
Do you want to maybe,
like, do something?
You and the, uh...
and the kids?
Yeah. Maybe.
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Maybe something like that.
I could be convinced.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
That'd be fun.
God. Please do
something about it.
It's ill*gal. It's my dumpster.
I mean, come on, that's
your job, isn't it?
It's unjust, is what it is.
You want another bagel?
It's literally
just thicker bread.
Yeah.
With an interesting outer layer.
But that's always how
it happens, you know?
Like, if you would look at
a chart of waste disposal,
there's always a huge spike
right after Christmas.
I mean, the whole thing,
it just makes no sense.
Like, it's just a consumer
obligation at this point.
I get you a gift,
and you throw it out.
You get me a gift,
and I throw it out.
It's just, like,
capitalist propaganda.
- Exactly.
- I'll drink to that.
This one's still wrapped.
- Oh, what is it?
- Earrings or something dumb.
Are you going to open it?
No.
- Are you throwing this out?
- Yeah.
- Ohh!
- Okay, Em!
♪ Wah, wah, wah, waaaaah
- That one is so funny.
- One time when I was like 12,
I took like one
horseback riding lesson,
and my grandma got me this
subscription to, like,
a horseback riding
magazine, you know?
And so it came like twice
a month every month.
And I threw out literally
like every single article.
- Mm.
- Grandmas.
You guys ready? I mean, I've
got the keys in my pocket.
I've got the car out there.
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
♪ The world's gone mad again
Do it like Daddy!
Do it like Daddy!
Do it like Daddy!
Car equals freedom!
We're never gonna f*cking die!
Ha ha!
♪ I dream of peace
in every town ♪
♪ But the world's upside down
You, like, in the
basement, or...?
- No.
- Okay.
I have my own room.
Mm. Wow. A whole room
to yourself. Wow.
To myself. How about you?
Uh, I'm on my own, lone wolf.
That's cool, I like it.
Where we gonna go next?
- Where?
- I don't know.
- Northport?
- Ooh, okay.
This guy means business.
I like the way you think.
I mean, it's pretty
much the city.
Yeah, we should
go. It'd be cool.
That sounds terrible.
Sasha, we know you're not going.
Wet blanket.
We have to stay awake for Santa.
Are you gonna get any more?
Yeah, go get some more.
A'ight.
You guys are really gonna do it?
No.
There's no way acting like
that they're gonna get it.
I'm giving it five
minutes, and we walk,
I said, guys, we couldn't
get it. Five minutes.
- Hey, man. Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Um, great outfit.
Really lovely.
Um, it's really cold outside,
and we were just
wondering if we could,
- like, get in here and...
- Just... Yeah.
You know, get some, get some...
Oh, I love this.
This is really nice.
I know, it's really nice.
Yeah. Um, yeah.
Um, so this is a big ask,
but we were thinking...
Oh, sorry. I'll do that. Um...
I seriously, actually,
actually, seriously think
that everybody wishes
they had friends like us.
Like, I'm not kidding.
I'm not kidding.
I'm not kidding. This
is like, this is...
Holy crap. Like,
this is incredible.
I feel so good right now.
Like, you guys are awesome.
- I love you guys.
- Aww. We love you.
We should we should all try
to get into the same college
and live together.
- Let's get married!
- Yeah, let's get married!
What do you guys think
they're doing in there?
They've been there for a while.
Be good roommates.
- Yeah. No, but seriously.
- You might need to stop.
If me and Rob break up
before we're like 30,
we're all getting
married. Like, that's it.
That's the thing
that is really nice.
Yeah, well, have a good night
before you change your mind.
No, I think...
Stop. Look like they're like 6.
- Yo!
- What?
No way!
Okay, gentle, now. Gentle.
Oh, I'm gonna take these.
Taxes.
- Oh, my God. Be safe. Please.
- Please.
Thank you.
Let's go! Let's go!
Easy, easy.
- Alright, good job.
- It is pretty impressive.
- I'm not gonna...
- Alright.
You only got it 'cause
Michelle was there.
- I don't... Oh, my God. What?
- Oh!
- Ohh!
- Ohh!
♪ Deck the halls with
boughs of holly ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
♪ Don we now our g*y apparel
♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
- Yay, Brucey!
- Yay!
- Jesus! Jesus!
- Oh!
No, no, no, no, no! Ronnie!
You're drunk. Stop. Ronnie.
Come on. Come on,
calm down, Ronnie.
Come on, calm down.
Stop drinking. Stop. No more.
- Enough!
- Maybe later?
I'm good here.
I'm good. I'm dancing
from the couch. See me?
♪ Oh, jingle bells, jingle
bells, jingle all the way ♪
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride in
a one-horse open sleigh, hey ♪
♪ Jingle bells, jingle
bells, jingle all the way ♪
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh ♪
Here you go, Daddy. You just
have a little bit more, okay?
There you go.
Yes, yes, yes.
Think I'm an arsonist?
You don't think I love Ma?
You don't think I
love this family?
Think I'm trying to burn this
house down and be an arsonist?
I'm gonna be a pop-pop
soon, grandfather.
I want to keep this
family together.
♪ Jingle bells, jingle
bells, jingle all the way ♪
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh ♪
Now that you're over the hill.
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells
- Pick up speed.
- ♪ Jingle all the way
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride in
a one-horse open sleigh, hey! ♪
♪ Dashing through the snow
in a one-horse open sleigh ♪
Come have a drink. One
more drink, just one more.
Come on, honey.
We're tired now.
- It's too much.
- I'm finally getting started.
I'm ready to party
with everybody, please.
- Relax.
- Oh, come on. It's still early.
Come have a...
$10 to tackle the
Christmas tree.
"Hey, wait a minute,
the officer says,
checking the I.D.
with his flashlight.
Isn't this the same fella
who rolled into a ditch
on the I-205 last year?
Yeah, that's him,
says the other one.
His suitcase fell on his
head when we pulled him out."
What are you doing?
"Check if he's
still got a lump."
"Don't touch my head, he
tells... he tells him."
Jo, what are you doing?
"I'm not that guy. Just
let me go already."
What are you talking
about? Matty?
"Hey, take it easy,
says the one."
Did you write this?
- "Don't you remember us?"
- What is this?
"We remember you.
The whole way home,
he can't shake it.
The... The mean mugs,
their stinking paws.
A neighbor's light hits
him in the driveway,
and he wants to yell,
that's it! No more.
Get your stinking
faces out of here!"
- Catch a can.
- Come on.
"But he doesn't have
the heart for that."
- Bruce.
- "And he knows where
it didn't start.
So when he goes inside and
throws off his coat..."
- What the hell is this?
- "...he decides it's in here
that he's gotta forget.
He's gotta forget the
rooms, the kitchen,
the dining room, the den.
He's got to forget the little
spaces inside the rooms,
like the... the cabinets
and the drawers,
and then the
littler things, too,
like tchotchkes,
hinges, and cans."
"But it's... it's not
even a minute before,
and it's all just too hard.
In that blue-looking
dark, he feels every space
that won't be forgot
getting bigger around him
till finally it's like
he's standing in every room
and closet and cupboard
and crawl space
at the same time.
No way out and all alone.
He is all alone.
And when he goes up the
stairs, he ignores the spot
where you could hang a portrait
and a shadow is instead.
He goes up till he
gets to the landing.
And then he's just
got to sit down
like an old man with
a body that's no good
and no breath.
Thinking that's it.
That's it. No more.
And sitting sad like that,
it's like all of a sudden,
all those things in
life that never happened
go past him like footsteps.
They are walking and
running and big and small.
And who gives how he knows them,
because he knows
them all the same.
Like it's not even up to him,
and they've been
there just as long.
Like a sorry feeling
over his shoulder
or an echo under the carpet.
He curls up and
lays on his side,
waiting or hoping.
And like that he falls asleep.
And it's probably a dream.
It's got to be that."
I'm done.
I called the police and
nobody's helping me.
It's freezing outside.
You ever think,
Officer Gibson,
about a theoretical situation
in which one officer of the law
were to make a pass
on another officer of the law?
On Christmas?
What I'm trying to say
is there could come up.
A situation in which
one of our force
may make
some sort of advancement
on another member of our force,
whether it be romantic,
intimate,
deeply personal,
or in a downright
sexual capacity.
Did you ever give
any thought to that?
Well, I haven't been
on the force that long.
But if you really
want to know...
yes, I have thought about that.
Right.
I've thought about
it quite a lot.
And I don't think
it would be right.
I agree.
It's a matter of principle.
There would be little
positive outcome
if it happened
like the way you said it.
It's not right.
Yet we still think about it.
That's how the cards fall.
The law,
the human mind, it's not tidy.
I suppose.
♪ Forever won't come easy
♪ It's shepherd's pie
♪ It's shepherd
My hope is to
eventually be out there.
But we've been so busy
here on Long Island
that my main focus has
been to stay right here.
And between us, there's
a lot going on right now.
♪ The spirit of revolution
♪ As it's written
in Revelation ♪
♪ Never goodbye, baby
I don't know.
♪ It'll be
Hey.
Hi.
You want to get a
little messed up?
No.
♪ You know that once upon a
time, I didn't need you so ♪
♪ It would have been so easy
then for me to turn and go ♪
♪ But now there's no leavin'
you, I know that for a fact ♪
♪ I'm at the point
of no return ♪
♪ And for me there'll
be no turning back ♪
♪ I told myself you'd always
be a habit I could break ♪
♪ But now a day without your
kiss would be so hard to take ♪
♪ You just can't get off a train
that's moving down the track ♪
♪ I'm at the point
of no return ♪
♪ And for me there'll
be no turning back ♪
Gotcha!
♪ Once I could
have said goodbye ♪
Oh! I found you, you brat!
Thief!
Catch her!
Go! Oh, my God.
Slow.
♪ Or maybe you'll be true
Do something!
I want justice!
Try that one.
There you go.
That one's good.
I hear these sounds
like dogs barking,
and I know they're here.
And I'm just sick of it.
- Just dead sick of it.
- Yeah.
It's Christmas Eve,
night of angels.
Go get her.
Come on. Go get her.
I don't know what
they're thinking,
just like lowlifes
coming out here
- and just driving us all crazy.
- Okay.
- I keep hearing these sounds.
- Yeah.
Every single day,
I hear the noise.
If they're there, if they're
not, I still hear it.
It's just unbelievable.
I'm just so sick of it.
Yo, guys.
I'm ecstatic right now.
It's been 9,
graduated from high school.
That means this is
our 10-year reunion.
And there's something
about this cop car
that makes me think of being
at that 10-year reunion.
I can smell it.
We're going to clean up
good for this one, boys.
Suits, ties, socks,
the whole nine.
I can't wait to
see everyone, man.
God bless them.
And us.
Everyone.
♪ Have I ever told you
♪ How good it feels
to hold you? ♪
♪ It isn't easy to explain
♪ And though I'm really trying
♪ I think I may start crying
♪ My heart can't
wait another day ♪
♪ When you kiss me,
I've just got to say ♪
- ♪ Baby, I love you
- ♪ Come on, baby
- ♪ Baby, I love you
- ♪ Ooh-whee, baby
♪ Baby, I love only you
♪ I can't live without you
♪ I love everything about you
♪ I can't help it
if I feel this way ♪
♪ Oh, I'm so glad I found you
♪ I want my arms around you
♪ I love to hear
you call my name ♪
♪ Oh, tell me that
you feel the same ♪
- ♪ Baby, I love you
- ♪ Come on, baby
- ♪ Baby, I love you
- ♪ Ooh-whee, baby
♪ Baby, I love only you
- ♪ Come on, baby -
♪ Baby, I love you
- ♪ Come on, baby -
♪ Baby, I love you
- ♪ Ooh-whee, baby
- ♪ Baby, I love you
- ♪ Come on, baby -
♪ Baby, I love you
- ♪ Ooh-whee, baby
- ♪ Baby, I love you
♪ Baby, I love you
♪ Baby, I love you
♪ Angels live in
skies of blue ♪
♪ Alice comes from heaven, too
♪ Whoa, Alice from above
♪ Has a face that makes
you want to fall in love ♪
♪ Though I only met
her late last night ♪
♪ Love never felt so right
♪ Alice comes from up above
♪ Strange as it may seem
♪ Right before me was the
girl in all my dreams ♪
♪ Now I know that I can't let
♪ Can't wait to tell her so
♪ Tell her so
♪ Maybe it's her golden hair
♪ Maybe it's her perfect smile
♪ Baby, if you say you care
♪ I'll show you
♪ I'll make it all worthwhile
♪ Alice from above
♪ Has a face that makes
you want to fall in love ♪
♪ Though I only met
her late last night ♪
♪ Love never felt
♪ So right
♪ Alice comes from up above
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Christmas Eve in Miller’s Point (2024)
Moderators: Maskath3, GabrielAlejo2341, sidolanters, Maskath3, sidolanters, GabrielAlejo2341