Did You Hear About the Morgans? (2009)

[bunniefuu]

[phone ringing]

Hi. You've reached
Meryl Morgan.

I can't take
your call right now,

so leave a message and
have a great day. Thanks.

[answering machine beeps]

[man] Hello. It is me,
your husband.

Um, at least,
legally still
your husband,

as recognized by
the state of New York.

And, in the end,
who are we to argue
with the Governor?

I wanted to call
and just say hello,

as it is approaching the
three-month anniversary

of our being separated,

and I thought, perhaps it
might be nice to get together,

as, you know,
occasions like this

only come around
once in a lifetime.

And, uh... Oh, yes!

And I saw the cover
ofNew York Magazine's
real estate issue,

and there you were.
And you looked lovely,
frankly.

You are staring out
from every newsstand
and bus and taxi.

And it is...

"It is genuinely incredible
how you have
built your business

"into the premier boutique
real estate firm in the city."

I'm quoting here
from the article.
I have five copies.

This way,
if we ever get
back together

and lose yours,
we're covered.

[answering machine beeps]

[phone ringing]

Hi. You've reached
Meryl Morgan.

I can't take
your call right now,

so leave a message and have
a great day. Thanks.

[answering machine beeps]

[Paul] Anyway,
the point is that I am sad,

and I miss you,

and I bitterly regret
what I did,

and it would be
very, very nice
if you called or,

in fact, if we could
see each other.

I hope you're
getting the gifts.

I know they're
not all perfect.

The ice sculpture,
I concede,
was a disaster.

I did specify that
they shouldn't leave it
if you weren't home,

and I will be suing.

Talking of which,
I must get back to work.

I'm actually in court.
I have a man...

[answering machine beeps]

[Meryl] Isn't this
a beautiful view?

You could pay
for this whole apartment

just by charging people
to come and look at this.

And if you like this,
you're going to love this,

what I call the ballroom
or the grand salon.

It's the perfect combination
of classic architecture

and understated elegance.

[whispering]

[both arguing in French]

[gasps]
You're pregnant?

I mean, if you're planning
on having a baby,

this is the most
magical place.

How many children
do you have?

How many? Oh...
Let me see, I have...

[in French accent]
Well, I have zero.

My husband and I
are separated.

I know what you're thinking,
the clock is ticking, right?

[speaks French]

But I'm, you know...
I'm considering adoption,

and you gotta stay optimistic.
You know?

Don't get down
on yourself.

[Adam] Mr. Morgan,
I have the depositions on
the Anderson case for you.

[Paul] Excellent.
I hear it's a page-turner.

Now, where are we
on the star front?

Well, you can buy
and name a star "Meryl."

It's $75, and you get a
celestial map and a certificate.

Well, I was really
looking for something
more impressive.

Can I buy
a constellation?

I don't know.
You can buy
a black hole.

I'm not sure a black hole
sends exactly
the right message

at this point
in our relationship.

Somewhat redundant.

[applause]

[Meryl] Thank you.

And thank you
to everyone

at the National Breast
Cancer Foundation.

I'm so honored to be
here tonight on behalf
of Park Avenue Realty.

Thank you to Jimmy, my waiter,
at table number two. Yes, you.

I'm not done
with my dessert yet.

[people chuckling]

This disease
represents a crisis.

Are we going to
use this crisis
to come out

stronger, better
and more powerful
than ever before?

You bet we are.

[applause]

But...

But what that means...

[stammers] I'm sorry.

Um...

Well, I...

[chuckles] Basically,
what I'm saying is, um,

we want your money right now.

[people laughing]

So, um...

- Great speech.
- Thank you.

And you look
fantastic tonight,
by the way.

Thank you.

I still don't entirely
understand what you're
doing here.

Well, breast cancer.
I'm against it.

Look, I just want to talk.
I'll talk now,

I'll talk later,
I'll talk tomorrow.

I'll talk at lunch, dinner,
brunch, snack time.

OK, OK.
I get it.

You are available
for talking.

Yes. Yes.

Hey, Jackie.

Jackie, how very nice.
How are you?

Mr. Morgan.

Um... What do I
have tomorrow?

The PETA lunch.

[chuckles] Oh!
Barbecue, I imagine.

What about after lunch?

Excuse me.
Hello, Mrs. Morgan.

- Hi, Adam.
- After lunch, you have
the Farmer conference call.

Do I dare
ask about dinner?

Meryl's doing a showing at 7:00
for Mr. Rabelais.

We've got Mr. Thompson
for dinner at 7:00.

Hey, you know,
I think it would
just be easier

if Jackie and Adam
spoke to each other.

- Excellent idea.
- Excuse us.

What happens with Paul
after lunch?

- Well, he's got...
- Don't mumble, Adam. Enunciate.

- How's the apartment?
- It's good.

- So much more space
without the golf clubs.
- Yes.

- How's the hotel?
- It's nice. It's nice.

There's no one setting
the snooze alarm
for 15 minutes

before they actually
want to wake up,
so that's nice.

Yes, and I've really enjoyed
not having anyone

walk into the master bedroom
wearing their shoes

and trailing dirt and germs
from all over the city.

- That must be very, very nice.
- It is.

As is not stepping
on discarded
Lady Gillettes in the shower,

which I have actually
come to miss.

I can push
Mr. Rabelais to 9:00

and Adam can reschedule
Mr. Morgan's dinner.

- I think I can if I...
- Just do it. Be a man.

Excellent. Then shall we say
Daniel at 7:00?

OK.

Great. Terrific.

Great. Good night.

Good night.

[indistict chattering]

So...

Did you get the yucca?
I know you like plants.

And far, far away,
there is now
a galaxy called Meryl.

You have to stop
sending things.

It's just getting
very awkward.

I understand.
I will. I promise.

I just have
one more little thing.

OK, look,
I know you always wanted us
to go and I procrastinated,

but I thought
this might make up for it.

Dr. Tobin is apparently the best
marriage counselor in the city.

Oh, no, I know who she is.
I found her duplex on Madison.

OK. And the Lerners
recommended her.

- Eric and Fiona?
- Yes.

[chuckles]
They've been
divorced a year.

They have, they have.
But the one thing

they do agree on is how much
they love Dr. Tobin.

Apparently,
she wrote some book.

Yes. The Magic Marriage Myth.

You see?
You are so well-read.
I really miss that.

It's all about people's
expectations that their
spouse will be the answer

to all their problems
when, in fact,
they should be facing reality

and not asking their partners
for more than they can give.

Brilliant. Brilliant.

I don't know,
I find her...

I find her theory kind of
depressing, don't you?

Yep. Yep, yeah,
if you do.

Can you please stop
being so agreeable?
Please?

Whatever you say.

[phone pad clicking]

- So.
- So.

Um... So, you know,
I have to do
a showing tonight,

and I'm gonna pick up
my client at his townhouse.

Yes.

Do you wanna
walk with me?

Absolutely. Yes.
OK.

Adam,
we are gonna walk.

- You're going to walk?
- Yes.

Is everything all right?
Did we do something wrong?

[chuckles] No.
Everything's OK.

You did something wrong.

[thundering]

Here comes the rain.

You slept with
someone else, Paul.

You are not good
at talking about
the weather.

[chuckles]
All right,
it's... Um...

It's overcast
with 100% chance
of precipitation.

You slept with
someone else.

I am sorry.

I was confused.
I was an idiot.
I was wrong.

I made a terrible mistake.
I love you.

Do you still
love me at all?

I don't know
if I can sort of love you
or love you a little.

Well, I'm fine with it.

Honestly, I can get by
with a little less love
for a while.

Maybe years.

That's not me.

I have to go.
I have the meeting.

Look, I just think
we should give
Dr. Tobin a chance.

- You know...
- Hey, there's my client.

What is he doing in the rain
without an umbrella?

What are we doing
in the rain
without an umbrella?

Mr. Rabelais?

Mister...

[gasps]

God!

[muffled screaming]

[shushing]

[screams]

[honking]

- Run!
- Stop!

- Get in!
- [man] What is your problem?
I almost ran you over!

[Meryl] There's a man
up there with a g*n!

[Lasky] The man
who was m*rder*d tonight,
Girard Rabelais,

was an international
arms dealer.

The FBI was moving in
to convict him,

so Rabelais
was working with us
to capture this man,

Anton Forenski.

And we think that's why
Forenski had him k*lled.

We find the m*rder*r,
maybe he leads us
to Forenski.

And you're gonna be
our star witnesses.

But right now,
I just wanna concentrate
on keeping you safe.

What do you mean,
"safe"?

This guy's
still out there.

Yeah, but he doesn't
know who we are.

I'm gonna give you 24-hour
protection at your apartment
anyway.

Oh. Well,
we don't live together.

He's at a hotel
'cause we're separated.

My wife and I see
someone once a week.

It's not, by any chance,
Dr. Tobin, is it?

I know it's been a rough night,
so get some rest,

and I'll talk to
both of you tomorrow.

- OK.
- Right.

- Mrs. Morgan.
- Yes?

This is Marshal Henderson.
He'll be taking care of you.

- Hello.
- Ma'am.

Do you want me
to stay tonight?

Uh... No, no.
I think I'm gonna be fine
with Marshal Henderson.

[stammers] If you think
he can handle it. Well...

Mrs. Morgan,
I have your car
right over here.

Oh.

Well, good night.

Good night.
Good... Yeah.

Mr. Morgan,
Marshal Ferber.

Evening, sir.

Evening. Evening.

You're in good hands.

Yes. Yes, I'm sure.
I'm sure.

Yeah, it's done.

[Forenski] That is
good news, Vincent.

We'll meet tomorrow
on the island.

No problem.

[phone ringing]

[country music playing
on radio]

Hello? Oh, hi,
Marshal Lasky.

Oh! Oh.

You're gonna send someone
to relieve Marshal Henderson.

That's good, because,
you know, he's been
out there all night.

- [intercom ringing]
- He must be...

Can you hold on just a second?

My intercom is ringing.

OK, I'm just gonna
put you on hold. OK.

Coming.

Hi, Mike.

Yep, OK.
Thank you.

Thank you.

Hi. So I guess
your guy's already here,

because the doorman said
they just sent
a police officer up.

[elevator dings]

What?

Hey, how you doing?

OK, OK. OK.

[silenced g*nshots]

[groans]
Get back inside!

[shrieks] What...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

[yelping]

Help!

[g*n fires]

- [elevator dings]
- [kids laughing]

[woman] Stop
pushing the buttons.

[classical music playing
on radio]

There's an emergency.

Well, I certainly
hope so, Marshal.

Thank you.
Do you mind?
Do you mind?

Not at all.

[Lasky] We checked
the building's
security camera,

but he was pretty careful
about keeping his head down.

So is Marshal
Henderson OK?

He was wearing his vest.
He'll be all right.

But this guy
is still out there.

I recommend you both
enter the Witness
Relocation Program.

- What?
- What?

- Hang on. Hang on.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait.

[stammering] Do you mean
where they send you out
into the middle of nowhere?

- Yeah? Oh, no. Mmm-mmm.
- OK, I'll tell you what.

- [chuckles] No, no, no, no, no.
- Why don't we just
look at all the options,

because I'm sure
there are options.

And where? What?
Where do we go?

We can't reveal that
until you're on the jet.

There's a jet?

So, it's out of the city?

Here's what I think we should
do. Let's just stay logical

and examine all the parameters,
if that's possible.

I can't leave. I can't leave.
I have a company to run.

Well, we've both got
companies to run,

- so that's important...
- Right, right.
Who runs my business?

All I'm saying is,
I think there are
other things which should...

- [stammering] And what about...
- For instance...

...all of our friends
and our family?

What, we just up
and disappear?

I mean, we'd leave?
That's crazy.

That's nuts.
Is that what
you're suggesting?

We don't know what he's
suggesting because you haven't
stopped talking yet, so...

- Well...
- Excuse me.

This isn't the first time
we've done this.

We'll get a list
of people to contact.

But first,
we've got to get you
to a safe location.

And what happens
if you never
find this man?

We'll find him.
In the meantime,

we put you
in a temporary spot

until we can find
a more permanent site.

What do you mean
by "permanent"?

I don't mean permanent.
I mean official site.

Yeah, but you said permanent.

So if you don't
catch this guy,

then the official site
becomes the permanent site?

Right, so why don't
we just let him
explain that bit.

[stammering] Oh, no. No, no,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I can't do this.

Really, I can't.
I'm, you know...

I'm a New Yorker.
You know, I was born here.
This is my home.

I've had bagels
in other parts of the country.

I don't even
like Connecticut.

This man is
a professional k*ller.

He found you in one night,
and he'll keep coming back.

Wouldn't you rather
live someplace else
than die in New York?

Meryl?

I'm thinking.

There's nothing
to think about.

If you want to live,
you're out of options.

I'm sorry, I don't mean
to drag our personal
problems into this,

but at this exact moment,

I can't commit to spending
the rest of my life
with my husband.

I know exactly
how you feel.

This is just
a temporary location.

You'll be there
a week at most.

We'll look into arranging
separate sites afterwards,

but first, we've got to
get you out of the city.

Mmm-mmm.

You... I don't...

You won't tell me
where I'm going,

so I don't know
how to dress.

This, 'cause
it's pretty?

Now that we're on the jet,
can you tell us
where we're going?

Ray, Wyoming.

Is that anywhere near
Phil, Wyoming?

Here are your
temporary IDs.

You'll be in seclusion,

but just in case
you run into anybody,

we don't want you
using your real identities.

[Meryl] Meryl Foster?

You'll be under the care
of Marshal Clay Wheeler.

He's also
the sheriff in town.

Meryl, you're Clay's
cousin from Chicago.

You haven't seen him
in five years,

since he visited you and Paul.

Any questions?

[Paul] Do we get a movie?

[Lasky] We're here.
It's time.

Marshal Wheeler will
take good care of you.

You're not coming?

I'm going back to find this guy.
Good luck.

Goodbye.

Yeah, thank you,
Marshal.

[Meryl] Thank you.

[Paul] Thank you,
Marshal. Thank you.

Is that him?

If it is,
I feel safer already.

[jet engine roaring]

Oh, my God.

What?

[chuckles]
Oh, you're gonna
love this.

Well, should we be
writing this down?

Don't worry,
they're all over town.

The posters, not the bears.

Hi, are you...

Glad to see you?
You bet.

- Take your bag?
- Oh, thank you.

- Thanks.
- Come with me.

Try to stay awake
there, Tom.

[♪ Canned Heat:
"Going Up The Country"]

Welcome to Wyoming.
I'm U.S. Marshal
Clay Wheeler.

Thank you,
hello.

Hello.
I'm Meryl Morgan.

No, I don't
think so, ma'am.

You mean I've been wrong
all these years?

You're Meryl Foster.

Oh!

I'm your cousin.

- [shudders]
- You cold?

Oh. We were just
only allowed to bring one bag,

so I just packed
a ton of underwear
and a strapless gown.

Same here.

Temperature really drops
around here at night.

Let's see about
getting you
something warm.

Thank you. I mean,
if there's, you know,
any place that's open.

Sure, there's
a Bargain Barn.

I've gotta swing
by there anyway.

I've never been
to a Bargain Barn.

Are you pulling my leg?

They don't have them
in New York.

What's that got
to do with anything?

Well, that's why
I've never been to one.

I'm still not
following you.

[clears throat]

They don't have
Bargain Barns
in New York,

so that's why I've
never been to one.

We've also never been
to one in Chicago,
which is where we're from.

Oh. I see.

Oh, jeez.

It's huge.

I had no idea.

Astonishing.

It's all about bulk.

This can't be right.

A sweater for $9.99?

It's not right.
Look, it's two for one.

Come on.

Where is menswear?

Wait a minute.

[sprays]

[g*n c*ck]

OK, look,
you see that woman?

See that woman?
Guess what's
in those bags?

Um... French bread?

g*ns. Big g*ns.

Oh, Lord, she's coming.

Oh, my God, it's Sarah Palin.

Actually, the name's Emma,
Emma Wheeler,

but you can call me
Deputy Wheeler.

Oh!

- So... So you're married.
- Oh.

- [Emma] Oh, yeah.
- Just what you needed, hon.
A couple more g*ns.

I love them.
Do you hunt, Meryl?

Just for bargains.
Actually, I'm a member of PETA.

"People for the Ethical
Treatment of Animals."

So am I. Except mine's
"People for Eating
Tasty Animals."

You gotta know Emma
to appreciate her humor.

Sometimes that
doesn't even help.

Hey, I just wanna say
that I think what you people
are doing is very brave,

and it'll be an honor
to protect you.

I hope you'll be
real comfortable
here with us.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

I must say, I'd imagined Ray
to be, you know, less modern.

But this Bargain Barn
is fantastic,

and I saw a movie theater
down the road,
an Applebee's.

Well, this is Cody.
Ray's 45 miles that way,

and there is no
Bargain Barn there.

[♪ Bob Dylan:
"Rollin' And Tumblin'"]

[Clay] Here's Ray.

That was it.

[Paul] Could we do it again?
I think I missed it.

[Meryl] Well, if that's Ray,
where are we going?

[Emma] A few miles
outside of town.

We like to get away
from the hustle and bustle.

Come on in.
Watch your step, there.

Yep.

This is it,
home sweet home.

[Paul chuckles]
Well, it's lovely.
It's very, very nice.

Yes, I love what
you've done with...

- ...the heads.
- Thanks.

Yeah, we k*lled all these
animals ourselves.

Oh. That's great.
I hate when you have
the decorator do it for you.

Well, I got a brother
over in Cheyenne
who's a taxidermist, so...

Oh! That's handy.

Any word
from New York?

No, ma'am.

So, you folks hungry?
We got plenty to eat.

Um... No, not me.
I had my fill on the
forced-out-of-New-York flight.

- Chicago.
- Chicago.

Well, you probably wanna
be getting some shut-eye.
I'll show you to your room.

- OK.
- [Emma] Hope you'll be
comfortable here.

We fixed up
the spare bedroom.
Not exactly the Ritz.

We usually only have
one witness at a time.

The last one was
Vito "the Butcher" Emmanuel.

m*rder*d five people
before he turned
state's evidence.

So you actually
do this all the time?

[Clay] Yeah.
About 10 years ago,

the government asked if we'd
hide somebody for a week.

Ever since then,
a couple of times a year,
they bring somebody by.

Been kind of
interesting, actually.

Now they want me
to retire.

So, you two are
gonna be our last.

Oh.

Well, it's an honor
and it's a lovely witness room,

but, um, Mr. Morgan...

Mr. Foster and I
are separated.

We are thinking of
seeing a therapist, yeah.

So how do you want to handle
the sleeping arrangements,
then?

Um, well, I can
sleep on a couch.

No, no, no, no,
I'll sleep on the couch.

No, no, 'cause I'm a lousy
sleeper anyway. Really.

I'd be fine on a couch.
And do you have cable?

We got an antenna.
Got a bunch of DVDs.

John Wayne and Clint Eastwood,
mostly.

That's great.
That's great.

Oh, but I see
you have a computer.

So that means that
you have Internet?
You're online?

We do, but you would
need a code.

Which you're not
gonna give me.

No. Trying to contact
somebody back home's
just too big a risk.

And I guess the same
goes for the phone?

'Cause I just have
a couple of things
I have to check on.

Yes, if I could make
one quick call,
it would be...

Yeah, and you know,
you could supervise the calls.

There's no dial tone.

There's a code.

So I guess
that is about it.

There's towels and soap
in the bath.

Great. Terrific.
Is there a code?

[chuckles]

Sorry. Silly.

You sure you're going
to be happy on that thing?

Yeah, I'm good.
I'm good.

All right.

Good night.

Night, night.
Night, everyone.

Look, Paul, I know
how hard you're trying.

Really, I do.
I'm not completely oblivious.

And believe me,
it would...

It would be so much easier if I
could just make myself forget.

But...

...when I look at you,
I just feel regret...

...and sadness

and a deep desire to see you
suffer intense pain.

Listen, that's not a problem.
That is not a problem.

I am more than willing
to hurt myself.

Or would you prefer
to do it?

Whatever it takes.

Look, just tell me
what to do. Tell me.

I don't know.

I don't know. I'm...

Yeah. Look,
the thing is, Meryl,

I'm just trying
to be realistic.

You know, I'm human,
I made a mistake.
I'm not perfect.

No, I know you're not.

But I was so
in love with you...

...and now I'm just...

I'm just...

I'm so disappointed.

And I don't
trust you anymore.

OK.

Good night.

[♪ Buddy Holly:
"True Love Ways"]

♪ Just you know why

Night.

♪ Why you and I

♪ Will by and by

♪ Know true love ways

♪ Sometimes we'll sigh

♪ Sometimes we'll cry

♪ And we'll know why

♪ Just you and I

♪ Know true love ways

♪ Throughout the days

[exclaims]

♪ Our true love ways

♪ Will bring us joys to share

♪ With those who really care

♪ Sometimes we'll sigh

♪ Sometimes we'll cry

-[TV blaring]
- ♪ And we'll know why

♪ Just you and I

♪ Know true love ways ♪

[jackhammer hammering]

Jackie, did you hear
about the Morgans?

Shh.

[whispering]
Of course I heard.
I'm totally devastated.

They're in
protective custody.

Adam, I heard.

What are we
going to do?

What can we do?
We can't...

- [phone ringing]
- Yes?

[secretary] There's a client
here for Mrs. Morgan.

Sure, send him back.

Can I help you?

If you're busy,
I can come back later.

Oh. Not at all.
He was just leaving.

Yeah, I'm in the market
for a two-bedroom.

A friend referred me
to Meryl Morgan.

Would you have a seat?

Yeah.

Excuse me.

[mouthing words]
Call me.

I'm Jackie,
Mrs. Morgan's assistant.
She's not in today.

Can I get one of
the other agents
to talk to you?

Uh... You know,
if she's as good
as everyone says,

then I'm sure she's probably
worth the wait.

She is.

All right. Well, I'm sorry to
have taken up your time, then.

Not at all.

That's a nice looking
muffin, there.

Enjoy your breakfast.

[cutlery clattering]

Howdy.
Hope I didn't wake you.

Oh, no. No.
I didn't really sleep.
It's too quiet here.

- You hungry?
- Mmm.

It smells good.

Whoa! Now, that's impressive.
I've never turned my oven on.

Wow, look at that,
fire comes out and everything.

Do you want sausage
or bacon or both with
your eggs and pancakes?

Oh. No, no, thanks.
I'm actually a vegetarian.

- [chuckles]
- [Clay] Morning.

I got news for you, Sheriff.

Your cousin here
is a vegetarian.

You never think
it's gonna happen
in your own family.

- [Clay] Howdy.
- [Emma] Howdy.

Morning.
Morning.

- Morning.
- Morning.

[Emma] How'd you sleep?

[clears throat]
Not brilliantly. It's very,
very quiet, isn't it?

I thought I could actually
hear my cells dividing.

Yeah, I know.
I kept praying for a siren.

Yes, or a rumbling subway
or something.

Speaking of New York,
have you heard anything?

No, ma'am.
And you can ask
every 5 minutes.

When they tell me,
I'll tell you.

I saw a photo of a young man.
Is that your son?

That's our boy,
Clay Jr.

Oh! Does he live
in Ray, too?

No, he married
a girl from Omaha so
he moved to the big city.

- The big city?
- Omaha.

Here you go.
Sunny-side eggs,
sausage with bacon,

home fries,
homemade biscuits
and country gravy.

Can I get you
anything else?

No, thanks.
Just an angiogram.

We're gonna make
our rounds.

Probably best
for you to stay put.

Fewer people see you,
the safer you are.

Which is a shame,
'cause Ray is the
friendliest place on Earth.

Help yourself
to anything in the fridge
if you're hungry.

We'll be back
in a couple of hours.

[Paul] Thank you.

[Meryl] Thank you.

[door opens and closes]

I can't believe
this is happening.

Well, at least you didn't have
the whole breakfast.

I feel my organs
shutting down one by one.

I thought Disneyland was the
friendliest place on Earth.

No, no, no. Disneyland is
the happiest place on Earth.

- Oh.
- Ray is the
friendliest place.

People probably get them
confused all the time.

What if we never
get out of here?

What if we never go
to Lincoln Center again,
or see the Mets,

or see our friends,
or sit on the Great Lawn
reading The New York Times,

or watch Shakespeare
in the Park,

or go to Nobu,
or order Chinese.

[sobbing] Oh, God.
Do you know how long it would
take to order Chinese?

It'd be weeks
and it would be cold!

OK, stop, stop, stop.
Now, listen to me.
Listen to me.

We are here,
and there's nothing
we can do about it.

There's no
phone calls to make,

there's no connections
to work,

there's no favors
to call in.

I think that
you should treat it
as a vacation,

a welcome break
in your busy schedule.

- OK.
- Good.

OK, you're right.
OK.

- [sighs]
- There. Lovely.

Oh, God, I'm going mad!
I can't take it!

Well, at least
you gave it your best shot.

That's really all we can ask.

[♪ Hank Williams:
"Why Don't You Love Me"]

They did say not to leave.

Oh, come on.

Well, perhaps
I should come with you,
to protect you.

And I'd really rather
not be left here
on my own.

♪ My hair's still curly
and my eyes are still blue ♪

♪ Why don't you love me
like you used to do ♪

♪ Ain't had no lovin'
like a huggin' ♪

♪ And a kissin'
in a long, long while ♪

♪ We don't get nearer
or further ♪

♪ Or closer
than a country mile ♪

Oh, God, I can't breathe.
The air is too clean.
Oh, my God.

[Meryl] Oh, God.

[both panting]

All right,
I'm gonna shower.

OK. I'm gonna...

[continues panting]

- Paul?
- Huh?

- Paul, don't move.
- Sorry?

There's a bear
behind you.

- Huh?
- Yes. Yes, there is.

- [growls]
- Oh, sh*t. Just, sh*t.

Wait! No, no, no, no!
No, don't run!

Don't run.
The poster said not to run.

Wait, hold on. I'm gonna
go get it, OK? Hold on.

What? Come back.
Meryl! Meryl, come back.
Come back, please.

Meryl. Meryl.

Meryl. Meryl.

[gasps] OK. Oh, God.

OK. Um, well, "Keep calm."

Uh... OK... [stammers]

"Avoid direct eye contact,
and speak in a soft monotone."

Nice to meet you.

My wife is a member of PETA.
I have been meaning to join.

- "Don't sh**t a bear..."
- I don't have a g*n.

"...because the bear
almost always
lives long enough

to maul
the sh**ter severely."

- I don't have a g*n!
- [growling]

Soothing.
Soothing, soothing.

So sorry. Sorry.
I don't have a g*n.
No g*n.

[stammering] Wait.
There's one last thing.

What is it?

Oh. You know, you don't
need to hear this.

- What is it?
- OK. Uh...

"As a last resort,
assume a cannonball position

covering your neck
and your head with your
hands and your arms."

I didn't need
to hear that.

Well, I know that!

I told you that! See?
You never listen!

- This is exactly what you do...
- Could we not do this now?

- ...every single time.
- Jesus.

Oh, my God, Paul!
He's coming!

Don't scream.
Be soothing.

- Run!
- It says not to run.

Run! Run! Run! Run!
Run! Run! Run!

[Paul screaming]

Oh, my God.
My eyes!

OK, he's going.

Yeah, he's going.
We're gonna be OK.

- I'm blind! I can't see!
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, wow, that was close.
- I can't see.

My God.

Oh, Lord.

[groaning]

There you go.

OK. Let's have
a look-see here.

You're from Chicago,
Mrs. Foster?

Um, yep, that's right.

I've always dreamed
about Chicago.

Oh, well, I'm sure one day
you'll get there.

Oh, no, I don't wanna go.
I just always dream about it.

Uh...
Is it gonna be much longer?

Because my husband
is very uncomfortable.

Oh, Lord in heaven.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, look at him.
He's a mess.
He should see a doctor.

[laughing]

Laughter really is
the best medicine.

So, you sprayed yourself
with bear spray, Mr. Foster.

Oh, no.
Actually, I sprayed him.

I mean, unintentionally,
of course.

Anyway, do you think
maybe he should see
a specialist?

[chuckles] Well,
I'm the only doctor
in town,

so I'm about as special
as it gets.

Do everything
from geriatrics
to pediatrics.

Wow, well, don't wanna
confuse those two.

No. No, you don't.

That is the great thing
about being a doctor
in a small town.

You see it all.

Anyway, physiologically
it's all the same.

The body is the body.

So, let's see if we can't
take care of that boo-boo

in your eye, Mr. Foster.

You see, just calling it
a boo-boo makes me
feel better already.

Let's go next door
to the exam room.

Say, would you like
to come along,
Mrs. Foster?

- [clattering]
- Oh, no, I'm fine.
I'll wait here.

Let me help you there,
Mr. Foster.

- Say, do you like stickers?
- [Paul sighs]

Here, let's take
a little visit
to the giraffe room.

[Meryl sighs]

[phone ringing]

You've reached Trish Pinger
at the Gotham Adoption Agency.

- Please leave a message.
- [answering machine beeps]

[softly] Oh! Um... Hi, Trish.
This is Meryl Foster...

I'm sorry, Meryl Morgan calling.
I just...

I was just calling
to thank you so much

for everything that
you've done for me,

but I'm now sort of
in the middle of something.

I might be relocating,
I might be in New York,

I might be God knows where.

Um... I bet I sound really
stable right now, right?

Probably can't believe
you were gonna help me
adopt a baby.

[siren wailing, g*nshots on TV]

- Very soothing before bed.
- Hmm.

OK. Good night.

Night.

Paul?

I called the Gotham
Adoption Agency.

I filed for adoption
two months ago.

You did?

So I wanted to tell them
that I couldn't go
through with it now.

[tires screeching on TV]

[TV turns off]

Two months ago?

Must've been
a big decision for you.

Well, I really thought
about telling you,

but I didn't really know
where we were at.

[stammering] And to be honest,
you know,

from the time
that we started having
trouble getting pregnant,

you weren't
exactly supportive.

I find it almost impossible
to believe you say that,

because between
the fertility doctors
and the injections

and the woman
who chanted over my sperm...

Oh, man, come on.
I have apologized for
that so many times.

...that I was
pretty supportive.

Was I enjoying having sex
on a schedule

timed exactly
to your ovulations?

Maybe not as much
as I should've done,

and I'm very sorry about that.

Or talking about reproducing
every second of every day.

It wasn't every second
of every day.

I just wanted
to be a mother.

Yes, and I wanted
to be a father.

I was the one
who suggested adoption
in the first place.

Then why did we never meet
with an adoption agency?

Because, by that time,
you had become so wired
and so crazed

that they would not have
let us raise a goldfish,
let alone a baby.

You know I was wired
from the hormone shots,

and I am not
normally that crazy.

And instead of you
staying home
and dealing with it,

you flew off to LA
on a business meeting,
and then you...

- Oh, right.
- I know! I know.
I know what I did.

I slept with someone else,
and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I don't know how many times
I'm supposed to say it.

I think you are being
completely irrational.

These two are worse
than Vito the Butcher.

[Paul] I'd really prefer
it if you'd not tell me
what I think.

- It's quite annoying.
- I kind of like them.

- [Meryl] Don't lawyer me.
- [Paul] Fine!

I wish there was
some way we could help them.

Yeah. Muzzles.

[Paul] I think you are
being unreasonable.

[Meryl] Well,
you're wrong.

[Paul] Is that helpful?

Is that constructive?
Is that mature?

[Meryl] It's mature.
I don't know
if it's "mature."

[Paul] Oh, that is mature,
yes. Mock my accent.
Mock my heritage.

[Emma] We have got
to get them out
of the house.

I didn't know what to do.
There were all these
meetings that were set,

- all these clients.
- You think
you've got problems?

She's the president
of the firm.

Nothing happens
here without her,

and everyone is
looking at me like,
"Where is she?"

I'm gonna lose my job.
Without him,
I'm superfluous.

Well, I've got news for you.
Even with him...

[phone ringing]

Meryl Morgan's office.
She's not in today.

Hello, Miss Pinger.
Yes, from the adoption agency.

What? Meryl called you.
Yesterday.

Do you happen to
have that number?

Yes, if you could
just hold.

Hold on,
just one moment.
Yes, go ahead.

Uh-huh.

Thank you so much,
Miss Pinger. All right.

[beeping]

This is Mike, Clarence,
Jackson and Windy.

This is the one
we're gonna
put you on, Meryl.

No, sorry.
No offense, Windy,
but I'm allergic to you.

And I had, once,
a very bad horse experience.
I was thrown.

It was from the carousel
in Central Park,
but still, you know.

You ride, Paul?

Well, I do a little bit, yes.

I had some lessons
when I was a child.

- You had riding lessons?
- Mmm-hmm.

Well, I never knew that.

Yeah, well,
I don't tell you
everything, so...

Yeah. I knew that.

[♪ The Allman Brothers Band:
"Midnight Rider"]

Whoa!

[Meryl sneezes]

Go get her.

[clicks tongue]

[Meryl] Hey! Hey!
I'm not on my horse!
I'm not on my horse!

[Emma] Get back on,
'cause we got
target practice next.

[g*n fires]

- Annie Oakley.
- Very good.

All right.
Come on, Meryl, your turn.

All right, let's just
get this over with.

All right.
This is a loaded g*n,

so you don't point it
at another person
or your own foot.

- OK?
- OK.

And are you left-handed
or right-handed?

Um... Well, you know,
I write with my left hand,

but I play tennis
and I play badminton
with my right hand.

I text with my right hand.

I cut, right? I cut cake
with my left hand.

[Emma] OK,
we're gonna
do it like this.

Line it up through
the sights to the can.

Now, when that g*n goes off,
it's gonna kick back

- into your shoulder, OK?
- OK. Yeah.

Don't put your finger
on the trigger till
you're ready to sh**t.

All right.

This is nothing.
You should see how long
it takes her to order dinner.

[exclaims]

Whoa!
There you go.

- Blew its head off.
- That was good.

Wow, it's very,
very loud.

Yeah. Yeah.

No, no, no.
'Cause I got
two more cans.

- I'm just gonna
c*ck the g*n for you.
- Oh.

Fascinating. A week ago,
she was basically Amish.

[chuckling]

- All right.
- OK, I know.

- It's loaded
and ready to go.
- OK.

Keep your finger
off the trigger
till you're ready.

[groans] Missed.

I think it's my turn now,
isn't it?

No, no, no,
I'm not done yet.

I think you'll
find it's my turn.

I'm not done.
I'm on a roll.

You've had two b*ll*ts,
now it's my turn.

This thing is loaded.

I'm gonna have
to give you two
an NRA class.

Paul's turn.

Thank you.

You're rude.
Selfish.

Just do like
your wife did.

Right, thank you.

Get a hold of it,
relax.

Mmm-hmm.

- Just relax. Find your target.
- Mmm-hmm.

- Take a deep breath.
Squeeze easy.
- Mmm-hmm.

Oh! Bollocks.
God in heaven,
that hurt. Agony.

- Missed.
- Absolute agony.

Could you take that
for me just a second?

[Paul] I think I've really
done some damage.

- Meryl, I think
I have a welt.
- [Meryl] What?

Quite a big welt.

Look at that.
Do you see that?

Yes, it's quite big.

Purple. Ugly.
Like a little map of Ireland.

Yeah, real easy
to hurt your shoulder
sh**ting a r*fle.

I didn't.

Could you just wait outside?
Play with a toy? Thank you.

You ever sh**t
before, Meryl?

Nope. Never held
a g*n before
in my life.

Although I could've
used one during some
tense negotiations at work.

I'm a real estate
broker.

- You kidding?
- No.

My mom is getting on
and she's moving in
with me.

I can't get any bites
on her house.

Oh. Well, it's lovely.

But, you know,
when the market's
like this,

you really need
to focus more
on presentation.

- I mean, just, you know, just
off of the top of my head...
- [clears throat]

...I think maybe the chair
that's sitting on
the front lawn,

it looks very,
very comfortable,

but have you ever considered
moving it inside the house?

No.

Well, just think
about it. It's...

[chuckles]

- I will.
- OK.

Would you mind
coming out and taking
a look at the place?

Oh. Not at all.

Can you spare her, Paul?

Yeah, absolutely.
Yes, I'm used to
being separated.

The shoulder,
I mean. Shoulder.

[laughs]
That's not separated.

It's a tiny little bruise.
Wouldn't hurt a schoolgirl.

[groans]

- Hi there. Hey.
- Hey.

How's your
arm feeling?

Oh, it's nothing It's nothing.
I just went to the doc

'cause Meryl was
so worried.

Can I give you a hand, there?

- If you're up to it.
- Yeah, no problem.

[grunts]

So, I really just
wanted to apologize

for any trouble
we may have caused you.

You know,
I know there's been

a certain amount of screaming
and shouting and so on.

Oh.

That's OK.
I know what it's like.

Me and Clay had
a few humdingers.

Really?

You see, that's quite
comforting to hear,

'cause you two
seem so happy.

We are. But it doesn't mean
we haven't almost called it
quits a few times.

Really?

How did you two
patch things up,
if I might ask?

Well, um,

he bought me a Remington .270
with a night scope
and "Emma" engraved on it.

And he gave me some cows.
I love cows.

Brilliant.
Brilliant.

I wish I had thought
of the cows thing.
That's good.

Yeah, there was this one time,
we were really butting heads.

Something about
his brother.

It's not important.

But, anyway, it got to where
we weren't even hardly talking,

and he asked me
out on a date.

A date?

Yeah. Just like two kids
in high school.

He asked me out,
we went out to dinner,

we talked and
it worked like magic.

Very interesting.

Well, speaking of work,

I think we're probably
pretty much done here,

so...

...I'll talk to you later.

[Meryl] Thanks for coming.
Just while
we're standing here,

I just want to point out
a few things.

This whole railing
is brand-new,

and, actually,
Doc built it himself.

Fresh coat of paint.

So I don't know
if you guys wanna go inside,

kind of get a lay of the land.

- [girl] I'm staying with you.
- You're staying with me?

I'm taking
my boots off
and climbing.

Listen, before you take
those boots off,

do you want to go look around
and see how big this yard is?

- Yeah.
- I'm gonna be right back,

'cause I'm gonna have a
quick conversation with him.

Oh, and you know
that kitchen wall?

Show them, it's not bearing,
so you can take it down.

You can build
a gorgeous playroom for them.

What's up?

- This may sound strange.
- Uh-huh.

But, um, would you like to go
on a date with me?

You know,
that does sound strange.

It's been a while since
we dined together. And I hope...

Well, we just
had dinner in New York.

And I thought that went well
until the m*rder.

[Simmons] Hey, Meryl,
you coming?

Oh, yeah. Just one minute.
I'll be in. Sorry.

Shall we say 7:30?
It's a place called Annette's.

I am told it is
the only place to eat
in town. Literally.

- [laughs] Oh.
- And, uh,

it'll just be a chance to
sit and talk

like we used to,
before the infertility.

And the infidelity.
And the separation.

I will pay.

Well, I mean,
if you're gonna pay.

[country music playing
on radio]

[indistict chattering]

[sighs]

Luckily, I called ahead
and got a table
near the mayonnaise.

You must know someone.

And I know you
said no more presents,

but I went online,
under Emma's supervision,

and downloaded a CD
of New York noises
to help you sleep.

Car horns, subways,
women fighting
in Bloomingdale's.

- [laughs]
- I think you might
actually be on here.

- Oh. Well, thank you.
- Very welcome.

Two salads.

- Thanks, Kelly.
- Mmm-hmm.

Oh, actually,
I had asked for mine

with the dressing
on the side.

I thought
you were kidding.

Yeah, I know,
that always gets a laugh.

- [laughs]
- Have you been a waitress
a long time, Kelly?

- Oh. Forever.
- Yeah?

I can't get by on nursing.

There's just not enough
sick people in town.

- That's so unfair.
- It's not so bad.

Most people in Ray
have two jobs.
Some have three.

I'm also
Assistant Fire Chief.

Oh, really?

[softly] Then could you
ask the gentleman behind us

to please put out
his cigarette?

[softly] Um, yeah,
I can't do that.

That's Earl.
He owns the place.

Well, why's it
called Annette's?

Um, Annette was
his wife.

She divorced him
about 10 years ago.

He doesn't want
to repaint.

Excuse me?

Hi. I'm Meryl Foster.
I'm Clay's cousin.

And this is my husband, Paul.
We're visiting from Chicago.

Howdy-do? I'm Earl Granger.
My granddaughter, Lucy.

- Howdy.
- Howdy.

Um, I was just wondering,
would you mind terribly

blowing the smoke
in another direction?

Thank you.

[chuckles]
Chicago?

I don't know how
you do things in Chicago,
I never been there,

but this is God-fearing
American country.

We don't take kindly
to outsiders trying
to tell us how to live.

Well, people in Chicago
are just as American

and God-fearing
as people in Wyoming.

I mean, not me,
specifically.
I'm an agnostic.

Next thing
you'll be telling us
you're Democrats.

[laughs] Well, I mean,
there's gotta be
a few of us in town.

Fourteen.
And we know who they are.

Thirteen, honey.

Bill Herr died
a month ago.

Of natural causes,
or is he...

You're not
getting smart with me,
are you, tea-drinker?

You know what I did
to the last man
who called me that?

I stole his crumpet.

Doc.

Howdy, Fosters.
How are you tonight?

Oh, Good.
We just had a lovely
meal at Annette's.

[chuckles]
Must be Earl's night off.

[Meryl laughs]

Yeah.

Uh...

You OK?

Um... Well, we just need
to call Clay and Emma.

They said they'd pick us up.

Oh! They're playing poker
with the Millers
and the Caseys.

Here, just take my truck.
It's that one right there.

We couldn't possibly.

I don't need it till tomorrow.
Door's open, key's inside.

Really?

Yeah, around here,
everybody leaves their keys

in case someone needs a ride.

You don't do that
in the city?

Um...

Well, people do take
each other's cars, but...

Yes, yeah, but the return
policy's a bit fuzzy.

Well, you be sure
to return mine,
all right?

[all chuckle]

OK, Doc, thanks.

- Thank you.
- Good night, y'all.

- Yeah.
- Night.

Which one was it?

I don't know.
They're all
exactly the same.

[Meryl] Are we lost?

[Paul] Certainly not.

I turned right
at the broken fence.

And left at
the second big rock?

Second big rock?

Oh, no, then we are lost.
All right, I'm going
to turn right up here.

No, I'm not. I'm gonna
go 'round. Hang on.

- Can I ask you something?
- Yeah.

Why her?

You want to
discuss this now?

In the middle of
absolutely nowhere?

Yeah, I know it's probably
not the time, but...

But why her?

I mean, you meet
lots of women.

You're always at lunches
and meetings, so,

why her? I mean, was it just
that she was pretty?

Who said she was pretty?
She was quite hideous,
actually.

A leper, really.
I mean, if the Elephant Man
had a sister, she...

- I googled her.
- Oh.

Yeah, I just looked under
"loose legal ladies."

She's pretty.

So, what's she like?

She's reserved.
I don't know,
a bit cynical. You know.

Yeah, no, I can see that.
That makes sense.

It was probably like,
you know,

going to a spa,
you know, very quiet

and cool and laid back,

and nobody nagging you
or asking you questions

like some crazy,
neurotic woodpecker

who won't let go
of an issue until it's been
pecked to death. I know.

[stammering]
It was nothing.
It was nothing.

It was really nothing.
It was...

[sighs]

You know, I was stupid.
I'd had a few drinks.

I was upset about us.

And it just happened,
and I did not enjoy it.

I was feeling guilty
the whole time,

and her perfume smelled
a bit like a burrito.

And you are, easily,

the sexiest,
most exciting woman

I have ever been with
or ever wish to be with.

Mmm-hmm.

I sort of believe you.

- Good.
- [laughs]

Progress.

[Meryl] Maybe it wasn't
the fragrance.

Maybe she just
smells like a burrito.

[Paul] Very possible.

[♪ George Harrison: "Between The
Devil And The Deep Blue Sea"]

♪ I don't want you

♪ But I hate to lose you

♪ You got me in between

♪ The devil
and the deep blue sea ♪

♪ I want to cross you
off my list ♪

♪ But when you come
knocking at my door... ♪

- Hi, Kelly.
- Hi.

♪ Fate seems to give
my heart a twist ♪

♪ And I come running back
for more ♪

♪ I should hate you

- Hi.
- Morning, Lucy.

Lucy.

♪ You've got me in between

♪ The devil
and the deep blue sea ♪

- [Paul] Doc.
- [Meryl] Hey, Doc.

[Simmons] Howdy, Fosters.

♪ You've got me in between

[Meryl] It's a store.
It's a real store.

♪ The devil
and the deep blue sea ♪

Of course
they haven't
got cashmere.

And when they say
they haven't,

don't just say,
"Go and look."

Sorry. You never know.
I mean, you just have...

So you're a lawyer.

Uh...

Sort of.

Well, this is about
my granddaughter, Lucy.

She's gonna be
the next American Idol.

Is she?
Well, that's great.
That's lovely. Good.

See, her dad's sick,
and her mother's off
to the Army.

So that leaves it
up to old Grandpa
to look after her.

Truth is,
I need a will.

Ah!

OK, well, the problem is,

I don't really practice
that kind of law.

[chuckles]
What do you practice?

No, no.
He can do it.
He can do it.

Hey, listen, I gotta go.
I told Doc that I would

help him with his house
today, you know.

So I'm just gonna go and shower,

and I'll see you later,
and have fun.

I've got my financials
clear back to 1953.

Good, great.
That sounds fun. Uh...

OK. OK.
Well, you know what?

[clears throat]
Despite our cultural
differences,

I think you and I
could be good friends.

Or not.
It's completely up to you.

[♪ Bay City Rollers:
"Staurday Night"]

♪ S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night!

♪ S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night!

♪ S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night! ♪

I 18.

- Do we have it?
- Yes. Yes. Yes.

- Hmm.
- Window shut.

Excellent. Well done.

[Emma] We got N 3-2.

N. N 32.

- Ooh!
- N 3-2.

Hey, how'd it go
today with Earl?

Really well. Yes.
I made him such
a beautiful will,

he asked me
to k*ll him.

Well, look at you,
country lawyer.

Well, look at you.
Country real estate
person.

Word is that Doc
had an offer on
his mum's house.

Yeah. She's incredible,
right out the gate.

Well, it was just past
the second big rock,
and you know what they say,

location,
location,
location.

Next up is B 4. B 4.

[laughing]

That's so funny.
"B 4," like "before."

Like "B dash 4
and after."

Never a fire
when you need one.

G 46. That's G 4-6.

[Paul] Oh, my God. Bingo!

Bingo, bingo! Bingo!

[gasps]
Oh, my God! Bingo!

[Paul] Yes. Yes!

[Paul and Meryl laughing]

Come here. Whoa!

Why are we so happy?

- We just won $15!
That's three sweaters!
- Yes! Yes!

[Adam] Please listen to me.
You cannot call that number.

We've been over this, Jackie.
You heard what the marshal said.

We could be endangering their
safety. There are rules here.

My God, you're a scared
little man.

Haven't you ever
done anything
to break the rules?

[dialing]



Hello. It's Jackie Drake,
Mrs. Morgan's assistant.

Adam!

[taser crackling]

[people exclaiming]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
I am so sorry.
It was a reflex.

I took a self-defense course.
I got an A in Tasering.

Would you like
to go to a movie
with me tomorrow?

- [Meryl] I don't know...
- [Paul] Couldn't have
enjoyed it more.

- An exciting game.
- [Meryl] It was surprising.
I was really surprised.

- [Emma] Congratulations.
- [Meryl] It was a great night.

See you tomorrow.

[speaks Spanish]

- Good night.
- Good night.

Night.

[chattering on TV]

OK. I...
Good night.

Night.

[knocking on door]

Come in.

Hello.

Hi. Are you asleep?

Very much so, yes.

I hate to interrupt that,
but you have to see this.

Good God.

Is that right?

I don't know.

I've never seen anything
like it in New York
outside the Planetarium.

"Let me not to
the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments

Love is not love
Which alters when
it alteration finds

Or bends
with the remover
to remove

O, no!
it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests
and is never shaken"

It's Shakespeare,
from our wedding.

Was he there?
We never got his gift.

It was my vows to you.

I know. I know.

Although, at the time,
I thought you'd written them.

I was so disappointed
when I found out.

Do you remember
your vows to me?

"There was once a girl
from Nantucket..."

No, that's not it.
That's not it. That's not it.

No, it's all right.
It was a long time ago.

My God, it's amazing
how many stars.

"I promise never to
take you for granted

Or utter a word unkind

Never allow
my affections
to be recanted

Or stop marveling
at your behind"

[giggles]

"To also marvel
at your warmth, your wit

Your refusal to condone
animal slaughter

Your wisdom, your laugh

Your inability
to boil water

To be your best friend
for the rest of my life

And to thank the God
you're not sure about

For fooling you
into being my wife"

And the next thing
I heard was,

"Do you, Meryl Judith Becker,
take this man to be your
lawfully wedded husband?"

And I said, "I do."

You did,
and then I heard,

"Do you, Paul Michael Morgan,
take this woman to be
your lawfully wedded wife?"

And your mother said,
"He doesn't!"

But I ignored her,
and then I heard,

"I now pronounce you
man and wife."

And then...
I don't remember.

"You may kiss the bride."

Right, right. Right.

Hmm.

You may kiss the bride.

Yes.

And then we had the buffet,

beginning with the meatless
pigs in blankets.

You may kiss the bride.

Oh. May I?

You sure?

I'm wavering, honestly.

[♪ Paul McCartney:
"Dance Tonight"]

♪ Everybody gonna
dance tonight ♪

♪ Everybody gonna
feel all right ♪

♪ Everybody gonna
dance around tonight ♪

♪ Everybody gonna
dance around ♪

♪ Everybody gonna
hit the ground ♪

♪ Everybody gonna
dance around tonight ♪

- [groans]
- Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

- It's OK.
- [Paul] Sorry,
a bit out of practice.

- [thudding]
- [Meryl] Ow!

[Paul] What do you mean, "Ow"?
That was foreplay.

[Meryl giggles]

[cell phone ringing]

Hey, Marshal Lasky.

Yes, sir.

Right. All right.

Take care.

They got your
separate sites ready,

and they want you
to leave tomorrow evening.

Tomorrow?

[Clay] Yep.

Wow. That soon, eh?

Well, the good news is
you still get to go
to the rodeo.

And the rodeo dance.

Yes, yes.

[Kelly] Dr. Simmons' office.

Uh, yeah, is this the
Dr. Simmons in Columbus, Ohio?

No, this is the Dr. Simmons
in Ray, Wyoming.

Sorry, my mistake.

There's someone
using your name
in Columbus, Ohio.

[Meryl pants]

You know what?

I think that's
about it for me.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, I probably did
tire you out a bit last night.

- [laughs]
- God, I was amazing.

Yeah, I'm really glad
I was there to see it.

Yeah.

All right.

Wait, listen.

With regard to the whole
adoption thing,

it is possible that I did
drag my feet a little bit.

You would be
a terrific mother,

caring, supportive
and completely smothering.

I know!
I'm so looking
forward to that.

But I am not sure
that I would be good at it.

Really? That's what
you're worried about?

A bit, yes, yes.

What makes you think
I would be a good father?

Well, if I had to
pick one thing,

I would say
it was the mouse.

What are you
talking about?

Don't you remember?
You know, we had
a mouse in our apartment,

and then all of a sudden,
the cereal box started moving?

Oh, yes, yes.
The shaky granola. Yes.

Yeah. And it ran out
to our balcony,

and, you know, you could
have just taken a broom
and swept it off,

but instead, you stood there
for hours trying to coax that
little guy into a shoebox,

using Jarlsberg
from Zabar's.

Yeah, a terrible
waste of cheese,

seeing as it eventually
leapt to its death, but...

And when I saw that,
I just...

I knew you'd be
a great father.

Especially if we adopt
a rodent.

Thank you
for being honest.

Listen, while I am
speaking honestly,

I wondered if we might
also discuss the whole
business of separate sites.

- I don't want
to pressure you...
- No, no.

Actually, no, I've been thinking
about it, too.

You know, why don't you
finish your jog,

and we'll talk about it
when you come back, OK?

OK.

Take the bear spray.

OK.

Take the bear flyer.

[laughs]
OK. Thank you.

- [knocks on door]
- [Meryl] Clay?

Come on in.

- Hey, Clay?
- Yeah?

Hey, I was just
looking for Emma
in the house.

Is she around?
I just wanted
to talk to her.

She's gone into Cody
for supplies.

She'll be back
in about an hour.

Oh. It's just...

As you can probably see,
things are going much better
between me and Paul,

but, you know, some very big
decisions need to be made
in regards to our future,

and the possibility
that we're not going
back to New York,

and the fact is that,

well, I slept with
someone else while Paul
and I were separated.

Emma will be back
in about an hour.

Well, I kind of don't
know what to do.

Grab a bucket.

OK.

So which of these
are skim?

Put your bucket
under there.
Get that stool.

Grab a hold of a teat.

Uh-huh.

Good luck.

Well, you know,
there's the school
of thought that says

what Paul doesn't know
won't hurt him,
and on some level,

I guess it's almost narcissistic
if I do tell him.

But how can I expect
complete honesty from him

if I'm asking
any less of myself?

I mean, isn't that just
the height of hypocrisy?

Could be.

I don't hear much helping
going on over there.

Oh. Sorry.

- [moos]
- Oh, God! Oh!

Does this hurt them?

Not if you're
gentle about it.

Oh.

I get it.

Yeah, I get it.

You're telling me
to be honest...

...but to be gentle.

I was telling you
to ease up on her teat.

But I guess
it works both ways.

That's very wise.

I doubt that.

That stuff you're talking
about isn't easy.

It's like that book,
Men Are From Mars,
and Women Are From Venus.

You read that book?

I read the cover.
That pretty much
summed it up.

[people chattering]

Ringer!

[man] I give up, Clay.
You're too good.

[♪ Gracie Bea Lawrence:
"Redneck Woman"]

♪ Let me get a big
"Hell, yeah" from
the redneck girls like me ♪

- [girls] ♪ Hell, yeah
- [Lucy] ♪ Hell, yeah

Well, hello there.
I'm glad you came.

♪ I said "Hell, yeah"

[♪ band playing "Crazy Little
Thing Called Love"]

Thank you, Ray!

Keep your dancing shoes on
'cause now we're gonna kick it.

- Come on, you're dancing.
- Really?

[Lucy] ♪ This thing called love
I just can't handle it ♪

♪ This thing called love

♪ I must get round to it

♪ I ain't ready

♪ Crazy little thing
called love ♪

- I wanna tell you something.
- I know,

I'm very light
on my feet.

No. Well, yes.

Um, but something else.

I think we should go
to the official site
together.

You do?

Yeah.

Well, that is so great.

- [chuckles] Good.
- That is so great!

I know. I know.

♪ He gives me
hot and cold fever ♪

♪ Leaves me
in a cool, cool sweat ♪

[moaning]

♪ I gotta be cool,
relax, get hip ♪

♪ And get on my tracks

And one other thing.

Yeah?

- While we were separated...
- Mmm-hmm.

I slept with someone else.

♪ Crazy little thing
called love ♪

- Switch partners!
- [all cheering]

[inaudible]

It just happened once.

Once.

Really, and it was just
because I was just...

I was feeling, you know,
just hurt and rejected.

- You're upset.
- No, no, no.

I'm... What am I? I'm a little
bit surprised, I suppose.

If you're gonna
be mad, be mad,

but please, please don't stop
talking to me.

Yell, scream, I don't care.
You know, honestly,
whatever you want.

[stammering]
There is nothing
to scream about.

We were separated.
You're an adult.

These things happen,
so there it is.

Hey, Paul.

Howdy.

Do you wanna
ask me something?

No.

Do you mind?

No, no, no, no.

Do you wanna talk?

No, no.
Unless you do.

I always wanna talk.

[chuckles]

Go ahead.

It's OK.
Never mind.

[announcer over speaker]
Hey, folks,
come on down to Ray Rodeo.

Calf ropin', bull ridin',

pie-eating contest,
great barbecue.

[men whistling]

Hey, excuse me.

- How you doing?
- Howdy.

I'm looking for two friends
of mine, Paul and Meryl.

Oh, the Fosters. Um...

They're probably
on their way to the rodeo,

but they're staying
with the Wheelers.

Wheelers.
And where's that?

OK, so go down this road,
and when you see
the broken fence,

make a right.
And then, when you come
to the second big rock...

[scraping noises]

[door opening]

Morning.

[Clay] Better shake a leg
if you want to eat.

Um...

Do you know
where Paul is?

Thank you.

[grunting]

Hey, can I ask you
a question?

Who do you think
this is fooling?

- Isn't this...
- [wood clatters]

I mean, isn't this what screwed
us up in the first place,
not talking?

Is it? Oh, is it really?
Sorry, it was stupid of me.

I thought it was sleeping
with other people,

but maybe you're right. Yes.

All right,
you know what?
Never mind.

All right.
What would you
like me to do?

Would you like me to beg
for information? Then I will.

- What was his name?
- Larry.

- Larry? Are you serious?
- Larry.

You know,
he's recently divorced.
He just asked me to dinner.

It's fine, it's fine,
I think I got the picture.

And then you probably
had a few drinks,

and you moaned about
your horrible husband,

and then you went
back to his apartment.

- I got it. I got it.
- Well, no, no.

Went back
to our apartment.

Right,
we're selling the place.
Thanks so much for telling me.

- Probably...
- You're upset.

Look, we both
made mistakes.

I made a mistake,
yours seems just a little
bit more like revenge.

Are you serious?

I mean, do you...
Do you not know me at all?

You think that
I would sleep with someone
for revenge. I would...

I would sleep with someone
to hurt you?

Well, at this point, I don't
really know what I think of you.

- Oh, my God. Screw you.
- Can I just say this?

- Meryl. Can I just...
Can I speak?
- No. You know what? No.

- [Meryl] No. Not to me.
- [Paul] Wait, Meryl,
I'm not finished. Meryl!

- Ready to go?
- I think I'm gonna pass
on the rodeo. Sorry.

Yeah. Sorry, me, too.

I have a lot of
packing to do.

Sorry.

OK, then.

Hold on.

I know it's none
of my business...

...but I've watched you two
over the past four days,

laughing together
over your little inside
New York jokes.

I don't find them funny,

but I think that
you can always tell
a lot about a couple

by the fact that
they still laugh together.

Thanks, I appreciate that.

And, I think... Yeah,
I think he's funny.

He makes me laugh.

But if we're gonna
stay together, then,

you know, I guess
we have to scale back
our expectations,

and I won't expect
everything from him,

and he won't expect
everything from me and...

You should expect
everything from each other!

Marriage doesn't
make any sense!

You gotta stop
thinking about it,

and just get over all the
bullshit and make it work.

Look, I figured
if she said something,
I was gonna...

Oh, God. Come on,
honey, let's just go.

We'll pick you up
and take you
to the airport.

[Emma] I declare.

I have not heard you
talk that much in...

[Clay] Well, I had to offer
my two bits' worth.

[growling]

- [g*n fires]
- sh*t!

- What was that?
- Oh, my God!

Oh, my God,
it's him!

We gotta call
Clay and Emma.

No, no.
The phone has a code.

Christ!

Excuse me.

What are you, kidding?

[g*n fires]

[clicks]

Oh, my God.
I'm out of b*ll*ts.

Something I never
expected to hear you say.

[machine g*n firing]

We'll go out the back.
Scuttle!

[sneezes]

Come on. Up, up.

- Come on, come on, come on.
- I'm trying.

OK, Windy, go.

- [clicks tongue]
- Oh, my God.

[Meryl sneezes]

[horse neighing]

- [g*n fires]
- [Meryl screams]

[Paul] OK,
we gotta find Clay.

Should be easy.
He's wearing a cowboy hat.

- [man exclaims]
- [audience cheering]

[Clay, over speaker]
Nice try, cowboy.

Been a while since anybody

rode this bull to the
eight-second mark.

- [sneezes]
- Looks like old Buster
won another round.

Dumped him like a blushing
bride at the altar.

Doc Simmons and the boys
have a dangerous job,

protecting these
bull-riding cowboys.

That's a lot of bull,

and that ain't no bull.

Hey, that's Clay.

He's in the box.
Go, go, go.

Folks, let's have a big hand
for our bull-fighting clowns.

[audience cheering]

[country music playing
over speaker]

Folks, we got
a little treat for you today
before our next bull.

Here's hometown
trick-rider Carly Ames.

Oh, my God.

Just sit. Just sit.

Scuttle.

Nice riding, Carly.
Thank you.

Folks, let's give her
a big hand.

Next up is Tom Willet.

Tom's riding
the aptly-named
bull, k*ller.

The last three cowboys
to get on this bull

got dumped
right out of the gate.

Let's see if Tom
can break that streak.

[sneezes]

[buzzer sounds]

There he goes.

Whoa!

[audience exclaiming]

Go get him, boys.

Let's go, come on!

[Clay] Old k*ller's living up
to his name today.

What's happening?
I can't see.

[sneezing]

[Meryl] Oh, my God.

[k*ller roaring]

[Paul] What's that noise?

[Meryl] Oh, God.
Just run! Just run!

[Paul] I'm running!
I don't have a choice!

[both groaning]

[Paul] Meryl,
you all right?

[Meryl] No.

I really think
I hurt my leg.

Oh, God.

I don't think
I can walk.

Oh, my God.
We're never gonna
get away from him.

What? Where is he?

- Oh, God.
- All right.

Wait there. Wait there.
I'll be back in a minute.

[Meryl] Wait, what, what?

Wait, what are you doing?
Where are you going?

Please, don't
leave me. Paul!

Just keep
your head down.

[exclaims in pain]
Bollocks!

- [g*n c*ck]
- Hey. I got plenty of room
on my wall for another head.

- [g*n c*ck]
- Drop it, son. Step back
away from my lawyer.

I should just point out that
even if you k*ll me,

you now have
two more witnesses who
will testify against you.

- Three.
- Four.

- Five.
- Five.

- You're six, Kell.
- Six.

[audience cheering]

Oh, my God.

[spraying]

You all right?

Are you crazy?
You could have
been k*lled.

I am just very touched
that that would've
bothered you.

Well, of course
it would have.

Oh, God,
I had this...

This horrible moment
where I pictured what life
would be like without you.

That's exactly
what I had.

When you were lying here,
sprawled in the dust,

all I wanted to do
was protect you.

I lost all physical fear.

It's coming back
now, though.

What in God's name
was I thinking?

I know exactly
what you were thinking.

You were thinking
that we're meant
to be together,

because look what you did.

You risked your life for me.

That's so nice.

- No.
- Sorry.

No, no. I am sorry.

I am so sorry
for nearly curing
an incurable romantic.

I want you to expect
everything from me.

You're not gonna get it,
but I promise to try
and give it.

I love you, Meryl.

If you are in fact Meryl.
I can't really see,
I'm sorry.

[chuckles] I'm Meryl,
trust me.

'Cause I trust you
all over again.

[mooing]

Watch your head, please.

[gasps] Goodbye, Lucy.

I hope I get to hear you
on the radio soon.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- Earl.
- Lucy.

[Earl] Eat some meat.

[Meryl laughs]
Eat some meat. OK.

- OK, good. Good.
- Take care.

Earl, I think we've
become good friends.

Think what you want.

Or not. Whatever.

So...

I don't know
what to say, except

we are really,
truly sorry about...

- About everything.
- Yeah.

Don't be.

The Feds are
so happy with us,

they're letting Clay
keep his job.

Is that right?
That's great news.

- Oh! Congratulations.
- Thank you.

Mr. and Mrs. Morgan,
we're ready for you.

OK. Well,
I suppose this is it.

If we're ever
attacked by a bear
in Central Park,

we will be the only ones
who know what to do.

You just take good care
of my favorite cousin, OK?

Emma.

[Emma] Goodbye, Paul.

Really, thank you
for everything,

and remember
my wood-chopping tips.

Oh, I'll never forget
your wood-chopping.

It's mainly wrist,
it's less arm.

Clay, I'm gonna hug you.

You won't like it,
but I'm gonna hug you.

Thank you.

And listen, if you're
ever in New York...

Something has gone
terribly wrong.

OK. Well, let's go home.

- All right.
- Come on.

- [speaks Spanish]
- How's your foot?

Sheriff, your life just got
a whole lot simpler.

So did yours, babe.

[♪ Steve Tyrell:
"New York Is Where I Live"]

♪ L.A., where I see the stars

♪ Germany,
where I buy my cars ♪

♪ Texas, I eat
the baby back ribs ♪

♪ But New York
is where I live ♪

♪ Italy, where I buy my shoes

♪ New Orleans,
where I sing the blues ♪

♪ Hablo Español in Madrid

♪ But New York
is where I live ♪

Isn't it amazing
that she slept
the whole flight? Aw.

Is that amazing?

- Are they not
meant to do that?
- Yes.

- Is she faulty?
- Faulty?

- No, she's perfect.
- Perfect, but nameless.

Well, perhaps we'll finally
come up with a name
on the road home. Uh...

She could be
Midtown Tunnel Morgan.



[gasps] Hey, there's Adam
and Jackie. Hi.

Get their bags.

- Should I get a cart?
- You are the cart. Go.

Hey.

Thank you, honey.

You're my girl.

Go.

[phone ringing]

Hurry, get that.
Get the phone.

Yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Adam,
I've missed you.

No, no, no, I'm taking
the day off tomorrow,
so you do not need to come in.

Yes, I'm sure.

Well, in that case,
have fun moving
Jackie's mother's furniture.

I see many happy years
ahead of you.

[laughs]

[Paul] OK, bye.

You know what I wish?

I wish that as an older,
wiser couple,

we could give them
some advice like
Clay and Emma gave us.

Or we could just send them
to Ray for the weekend.

Rae.

We'll call her Rae.
R-A-E. Rae.

I quite like that.
I quite like that.

- Do you like that?
- Yes.

No, no, not you.
You. What are your thoughts?

- [Meryl] Rae?
- [Paul] Rae Morgan.

Hmm.

Hey, this is
our new apartment, Rae.

[softly] It's the one
we had to get

because I didn't want to
stay in the old one

after Mummy
slept there with Larry.

[shushes]

She doesn't need
to hear this.

Now, listen.

Come here, little girl.
It's got... Come on.

...3,000 square feet.

And a very spacious
master bedroom.

And come see this view.
Come look at this view,
little lady.

Right here,
look at that.

Can you believe?

Is that something?

It is, it is.

[baby cooing]

That is quite
a beautiful view.

What? What?

How are you feeling,
by the way?

Good.

Everything all right?

Very good.

It'll be funny if this one
comes out Chinese as well.

[chuckles]

[♪ Stevie Wonder:
"We Can Work It Out"]

♪ Try to see things my way

♪ Do I have to keep on talking
till I can't go on ♪

♪ While you see it your way

♪ Run the risk of knowing
that our love may soon
be gone ♪

♪ We can work it out

♪ We can work it out

♪ Think of what you're saying

♪ You can get it wrong
and still you think ♪

♪ That it's all right

♪ Think of what I'm saying

♪ We can work it out
and get it straight ♪

♪ Or say good night

♪ We can work it out

♪ We can work it out

♪ Life is very short

♪ And there's no time

♪ For fussing
and fighting, my friend ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ I have always thought

♪ That it's a crime

♪ So I will ask you
once again ♪

♪ Try to see things my way

♪ Only time will tell
if I am right or I am wrong ♪

♪ While you see it your way

♪ There's a chance that

♪ We may fall apart
before too long ♪

♪ We can work it out

♪ We can work it out

♪ Got a feeling, yeah

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ Work it out with me, baby

♪ Work it out with me, baby

♪ Try to see it my way

♪ Only time will tell
if I am right or I am wrong ♪

♪ While you see it your way

♪ There's a chance that we may
fall apart before too long ♪

♪ We can work it out

♪ We can work it out

♪ Think of what you're saying

♪ You can get it wrong

♪ And still you think
that it's all right ♪

♪ Think of what I'm saying

♪ We can work it out

♪ Or get it straight
or say good night ♪

♪ We can work it out

♪ We can work it out
Oh, we can work it out ♪

♪ Can you work it?
Oh, baby, baby ♪

♪ We can work it out

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ We can work it,
work it, work it ♪

♪ Work, work, work it out ♪

[phone ringing]

Hi. You've reached
Meryl Morgan.

I can't take
your call right now,

so leave a message
and have a great day. Thanks.

[answering machine beeps]

[Rae crying]

[Paul] Meryl? Meryl? Meryl?

Meryl? Meryl?

[answering machine beeps]