New Year's Special (2023)

[bunniefuu]

(AMAZON PRESENTS)

- Thank you. Break a leg, Lázaro.
- Break a leg.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to 2023.

New year, new life,

new gatherings,
and a new show just for you.

We're back to the start.

But don't get too excited.
It's just a show.

One season only.

- Lázaro is too busy.
- I am too busy?

- You didn't have time to rehearse.
- You're a writer...

- Your movies...
- You missed the mark.

- Why so uptight?
- I am uptight.

- Stop yelling.
- People say...

- How rude.
- Sorry.

It's true, let's not argue.
We can disagree without being rude.

You are my only friend in this company.

After all, this show will be innovative.

- It's about the beginning of the year.
- True.

Usually, you only see specials
about the end of the year.

But so many things happened last year,
we can't compete with that.

We don't want to be forgotten
among last year's events.

Carnival is coming back,
the World Cup in the desert,

monkeypox happened, new video from Anitta.

That's right, now we have
a new year just for us.

So we can innovate, transform, change.

So the theme of our show is...

- Changes!
- Changes!

It's about what has changed,
what will change and what needs to change.

Have things changed?

- Of course they have! Look at us!
- I don't know.

Lázaro, look at us. It changed for me.

It's my first show with a live band.

- Look, confetti!
- Confetti!

I really love it.

We have a live audience!

That's right! You'll see great things,
amazing things.

We'll talk about changes in behavior,
changes in economy, about...

Nothing.

This is not a good start.

The only new thing is the year.

- Why did you promise so much?
- I don't know.

I heard some important news.

We must get the viewers' attention
in five minutes or they'll leave.

- No way! I didn't know that.
- Trust me.

You never told me that. God!

I should've stuck
with broadcast television.

If you say a catchphrase there,
it'll stick with you forever.

I've got an idea.

- Impressed?
- What's that?

Hear me out.
Amazon's most successful show?

- Main character?
- Homelander.

- Girlander. Get it?
- I like it. It's good.

- I get it.
- I'm gonna change female superheroes.

Think about it. Every female hero's name
has an adjective that describe looks.

- Wonder Woman. Catwoman.
- Because cats are beautiful.

- Let me finish.
- Okay.

It's different with males.
Superman, Iron Man.

Who says women should iron his clothes...

Honey, you don't get a say.
This is my cause.

- What do you think?
- Should I say it or not?

- Just say it!
- I think Brazilians won't relate.

- Think so?
- Yes. I've got a better idea.

- What?
- Give me your hands.

- You've portrayed Madame Satã.
- Come on.

You get a Kikito award.

You're a man with a powerful voice.
You represent Brazil.

Dressed in bills.

- Have you seen yourself?
- I get paid to embarrass myself.

- This is my job.
- You don't get it.

- What is it?
- He's Humiliated Man,

the real Brazilian hero.

He spends three hours
on a bus to commute to work.

He struggles with home bills
and inequality. See?

You know what is his kryptonite?
Daily routine.

We kick it off with social criticism.
It's good, right?

Right? Told you.

Buddy, let me tell you.

I'm really moved by your courage.

It takes a lot of nerve to wear home bills
at this point in life.

That costume is ridiculous.

And we can't start off our show
with social criticism.

- True.
- It's depressing. It's New Year's.

It should be lighter.
Let's make it more Brazilian.

With upbeat, joyful music...

I can't focus with your face coming out
of a home bill like that.

- What if we bring Gil up?
- Gil?

- If the show flops, he'll save us.
- Gil doesn't come alone anymore.

He brings 47 other Gils with him.

- And to find all of them...
- That's an orchestra, not a band.

I swear,
I can't look at your face right now.

We're f*cked.

CHANGES

Come on, Lázaro.
We tried. We did our best.

We had somewhat good ideas.

International call.
Must be our bosses at Amazon.

I can't talk to them in English.

Not on the phone.

Hold on. Voicemail.

- "Algorithm!"
- Algorithm. We're screwed.

- She has a solution.
- "Solution."

She's replacing us.

- She's calling someone to replace us?
- To replace us?

We just...

- Juliette?
- Juliette? Not here too!

- What are you doing here?
- Saving you. You know what you need?

- Ideas?
- Ideas?

Faith.

- See? She's everywhere.
- What?

Walking with faith, I go
Faith never fails

Walking with faith, I go
Faith never fails

Walking with faith, I go
Faith never fails

Faith is a woman
Faith is a coral snake

It's a slice of bread

Faith is the tide
It's the blade of a dagger

It's the light and the darkness

Walking with faith, I go
Faith never fails

Walking with faith, I go
Faith never fails

Faith is the dawn

Faith is the dusk

The heat of summer

Faith is alive and healthy
Faith is about to die

Sad and lonely

Walking with faith, I go
Faith never fails

Walking with faith, I go
Faith never fails

Walking with faith, I go
Faith never fails

Faith never fails

NEW YEAR'S SPECIAL

WITH INGRID GUIMARÃES
AND LÁZARO RAMOS

- She brought good vibes.
- It's better now.

It's the vibe we want for a new year.

- Sure.
- A new year is a second chance.

You know, I like January
because we feel that there's still time.

And that we'll keep our resolutions.

Things aren't out of control yet.

Not at all.
I made all sorts of resolutions.

I was even going to move.

Good morning, sunshine. How are you?

Hey there.

Good morning!

- Don't you recognize me?
- My God!

- Claudinha!
- Claudinha.

I missed you so much!

That's great. What a coincidence.

Why are you here?

You won't believe it. I'm moving today.

- No way.
- Up here.

And I'm carrying everything upstairs
all by myself.

How cool! I've been here for two years.

- Really?
- I moved in from Goiás.

- You know who lives here?
- Who?

- Paulinha.
- Paulinha who?

From that Carnival.

Paulinha from the Carnival!

I can't believe it!

She got wasted and kissed Dedé, Antônio...

- Even I kissed her. You too?
- I kissed her too.

You remember now, right?
I'm glad you are living here.

- If you need anything, let me know.
- Don't worry.

- I'm serious.
- I'm good, really.

People don't ever help in Rio.
We need to be supportive.

In Goiânia, neighbors are like family.

You're practically my cousin now.

- Okay, then.
- Whenever you need it.

Yeah, right now.

- Now?
- Yeah, now.

Really?

- Geez!
- This is so wrong.

So wrong.

You try to be polite offering help,

and next thing you know,
you're carrying a sofa.

You said you do that in Goiânia,
and that we were cousins.

Yes, over there. Here we become
evasive like the locals.

I can't handle it. Stop.

Let me explain something. Look at me.

When you have problems
and people offer help,

it's just to make you feel better.

No one actually means it.
It's in the Society Handbook.

Don't be such a liar.
When have I asked you for help?

Let's move. You have it easy,
I got the hard part.

Hardfisted is more like it.
You could have paid someone to do this.

Keep on pushing.

- I wanna change places.
- We're on the bend of the stairs.

- It's gonna fall on me.
- Claudinha, just shut up.

- Come on.
- My finger! You're k*lling my finger.

What an awful situation!

- It's been awful at my building too.
- Really? Why?

When I moved in, I loved everyone.

Now I want them all to go to hell.

- What happened?
- I renovated my apartment.

Flooded everyone's home,
now no one talks to me.

People not talking to you in your own home
is worse than having neighbors.

You know why?

Pandemic. Fighting. Divorce.

Everyone had arguments. Did you?

- Definitely.
- But did you get laid?

- Always.
- How?

- It's a relevant question.
- You were out of line.

- Of course not.
- Asking about sex?

It was difficult to have sex
during the pandemic.

- Did you have sex?
- I did.

- I hit the note, right?
- Your voice...

It wasn't like, every day, every time.

- "I did."
- "I did."

If you haven't divorced yet,
you never will.

I can't believe this is happening.

We're getting a divorce.

I couldn't sleep last night.

We did it!

Freedom!

Party!

- Our lives will change.
- Yeah. We have so much to do.

That's my book.

- It is not.
- It is.

You gave it to me.
"Till death do us part."

- So?
- So what? We didn't die.

As a couple, we died.

Nina's so happy we're getting a divorce.

She's the only kid at school
whose parents were still together.

She'll have two rooms, two homes,

two birthday gifts.

Two of everything.

- Where are you taking that pan?
- I'm gonna pack it.

- Where are you taking it?
- To my new home.

Are you nuts?

This is a "Walk Teflon Topper".
This should go with my jewelry.

- Then I'm taking this.
- No, this stays here.

And I want my last name back.
Don't go around using mine.

You should give me mine back first,
then I'll give you yours.

That's too bureaucratic.
I'm gonna get you a lawyer.

- I'm gonna call Flavinha Lins.
- My friend?

You keep the tray, I'll keep her.

- I introduced her to you!
- But she's my friend!

- You get Irineu.
- He's annoying.

- He's your brother.
- Still. You can keep him.

I'll have to change all my passwords.

I use my married name, or yours, actually.

It's "Figueiredo123_", "Figueiredo_".

We'll have to go through that
all over again to meet new people.

I only have beige underwear.

And you know all my loose ones.

I don't wanna have to buy new ones,
or shave my legs.

- I won't date anytime soon.
- How will you have sex?

Maybe with you, Clécio.

We can meet up for some wine
every three months.

And that's it.

I'll pay rent by myself
and you want me to come here just for sex?

Getting divorced is expensive.

Do you really need to leave?

Should we call this off?

We should.

Let's call it off.
You can sleep in the office.

- You can use that pan.
- So we stay the same?

No. We were getting divorced,

now we are divorcing that idea.

Quite innovative.

No one's ever done this.

- But Nina was so happy.
- What will we say?

- That we love each other.
- She's not a kid. She won't buy it.

But we can kiss in front of her.

Nice. She hasn't seen us kiss in ages.

- Great, deal.
- Nice.

- Cool. Wanna have some wine later?
- Red or white?

- Rosé.
- Cool.

Is kissing involved?

At this point?

- No.
- Unnecessary.

AND SO WE EVOLVED...
AND CHANGED OUR HABITS

We started out as hunter-gatherers.

Collecting food, getting by, migrating,

travelling miles and miles.

Always looking for food.

Then we domesticated plants and animals
and started planting and harvesting.

We settled down

and built up villages and towns,
all based on food.

Now, today,

most of us won't plant or harvest.
Or do anything at all.

You can even buy peeled fruits
at supermarkets.

And, most recently,

we don't even bother going to supermarkets
or restaurants.

Delivery apps do the job for you.

So, human beings went
from an adventurous lifestyle

to a life spent on a couch
waiting for the delivery.

And if the human being
has to go downstairs to pick it up,

they'll be pissed.

See how things change?

Worst thing is,
from prehistory to agricultural era,

to Industrial Revolution, to smartphones,

thousand of years went by.

Millions, hundreds of years.

Today, there's a new revolution
every 30 minutes.

What's new today will be
in a museum tomorrow.

Remember USB cables? They're gone.

External hard drives? Gone.

Built-in memories? Also gone.

It's all in the cloud now.

I brought Grupo Eclipse from Porto Alegre
to perform for us.

So many of them.

Damn.

It's funny they do shadow theater,

so they perform as they walk.

- I'm kind of impressed.
- Why?

You bringing a band and all.

To show the world isn't just technology.
Not everything is in the cloud.

Do you even understand the cloud?
I don't. Do you, guys?

No one feels they're outdated?

- There we go.
- Now we have it.

How do you feel? What's your name?

- Luana.
- Why do you feel outdated?

- 'Cause I don't get it.
- Me neither!

I make my videos

and then my daughter does the editing.
She does everything.

Let's see if you can help me with this.

Sex.

My daughter is becoming a teenager.

I just can't seem to be able
to give her the sex talk.

- How do you do it?
- Can I say it?

- Of course! That's a change.
- Say it. It's streaming.

She came to me one day and asked,

"How can you put in your mouth
something they use to pee?"

I explained they wash it before.

Listen, do you want
to come over to my house?

It's a subject that makes men embarrassed.

So it's up to us.

- Right, Lázaro?
- No.

- Do you talk about sex at home?
- Sure.

- So why the high-pitched voice?
- What do you mean?

This is my normal voice.

- How do you talk then?
- I have my own way.

- What's your way?
- Why are you chasing me?

- You're walking away.
- Talk to Luana.

- You like talking about this.
- I want to talk with you.

- I don't wanna talk about it.
- How do you give kids the sex talk?

- Why not?
- Why are you still chasing me?

Whenever I bring up something unusual,
you run away.

- It's not unusual.
- You can't handle it.

- Good morning, honey.
- Good morning.

Whose birthday is coming up?

- Who's about to turn 16?
- She's turning 16.

Call your friends over for a party.

We can do it like we did back in our day.

Great. Boys bring something sweet
and girls something savory.

What about enbies? Do they bring umami?

What's an enby again?

- Someone who doesn't have a gender.
- I remember now.

And what's umami?

You need to stop the binarism.

There's more than just two flavors,
let alone genders.

There is sweet, sour, salty,
bitter and umami. It's a flavor.

Umami, look at that!

Things were simpler in our day.

Sweet or salty, d*ck or p*ssy.

I don't say that anymore,
now I say "vag*na".

I like to say it. "I have a vag*na."

- Cool, but wrong.
- Is there another name for that too?

It's a metonymy, Dad.

- Here we go with the Metaverse.
- She said "metonymy".

It's a figure of speech.
When we name a part for the whole.

- Way to go, Mr. Jorge.
- I know my stuff.

vag*na is a canal,
it's the cavity in the vulva.

The clitoris and the labia
are in the vulva.

- You're totally lost, right?
- No, I...

- Let me explain.
- What's that, dear?

It's a vulva. Why so shocked?

Clitoris. Over 8,000 nerve endings.
Twice as much as the p*nis.

- Twice as much.
- What we see is the tip of the iceberg.

I'm in a study group.

Speaking of which, I've got to go.

I've got stuff to learn too.

See you. Love you. Bye.

I thought she went to nightclubs,
but I guess she goes to vulva clubs.

She used to have a beaver plushie.

Now she has a plushie of her beaver.

The last pink plushie she had
was a Peppa Pig.

What's wrong, baby?

- What is it?
- I'm kind of shocked.

Come on, just because her generation
is cooler than ours?

It's not about her, it's about you.

- Me?
- Eight thousand.

Eight thousand...

nerve endings,
and you've barely touched 15.

Right now I could've been laughing,
crying, trembling all over.

I could've been dying of pleasure.
Instead, I'm here eating bread.

Come on, ten minutes ago
you didn't know what a vulva was.

You confused "metonymy" with "Metaverse,"
for God's sake.

I knew what metonymy was, all right?

Neglected. Forgotten.

Covered in cobwebs.

- I'm leaving.
- No, you stay. It's time.

- For what?
- An exam.

- What exam?
- Oral exam.

You're making me
feel self-conscious, all right?

I'm a product of my time.

I'm trying to evolve as a man
with humanity.

Why are you so nervous?

You wanna go to work? Just go.

But let me tell you,
if you ever want to access one...

of those endings, just one,
you do your homework.

- You're in summer school.
- Please, no.

I'm feeling something.

I feel sick. Please, get my meds.

I'm dying.

Die, but first deal with the vulva.

- I'm done with these themes.
- Come on, it was so cool.

I'm done.

You didn't like it?
You even got a catchphrase.

"Deal with the vulva."

Everyone will be saying that tomorrow.
"Deal with the vulva."

"Deal with the vulva" T-shirts.

It'll boost your career.

That's why I'm done with it.

Having to make comedy with vulvas

to make you laugh
at something that's not funny,

just to teach men
what they should know already.

Comfort zone much?

There's contactless payment today.
Phones recognize our faces.

We have aging apps.
We have instant bank transfers.

And women still make less than men,
even in the same job.

And I still have to make jokes
to explain this.

- By the way, how much do you earn?
- I mean...

- No, hang on.
- You want to talk about it?

- You're my partner, I want to know.
- Let's move on.

- I'm not moving on. Do you earn more?
- Why bring this up?

Ingrid, my people was enslaved
in this country!

You want to talk? Let's talk.

- Come on, you don't need to leave.
- No.

- Stay. Don't do that, Ingrid.
- Forget it.

Ingrid, I'll tell you. Come back.

I'll tell you.

Excuse me.
Can I have your attention, please?

Attention, please.

I'd like to tell you that we've just had

the best semester of our company.

That's awesome!

We've increased our sales by 97%.

We're opening branches
all over the country, thanks to whom?

To each one of you.

Our dream team.

Now I'd like you to stop for a moment.

Let's take a look around.

What's the problem here?

Actually, nothing, Diana.
Everything's great.

There's not one hetero-cis white man
on the team.

- I'm trans.
- I'm having a tough time.

The press and social media
have been pressuring me.

I'm being crushed on Twitter.

Instagram has blocked me.
Facebook has reported me.

What can I do if we have no men?

I know!

- Gomes.
- Compliance.

- Tadeu Farias.
- Reported.

Guys, Nando Torres.

Nice one!

Nando Torres!

- Where is he?
- I follow him on Instagram.

But he won't answer his DMs.
He's unreachable.

It's hard to find
a nice straight, white, cis man.

There must be three, four,
maybe five of them.

Let's post an ad.

That's it!

We're gonna... Write this.

We're gonna put up flyers.

We need to show them
we're, at least, "kind of trying".

- Great.
- Liked it?

That's my boss.

"Wanted." Here we go!

Wanted, wanted Where is he?

Have you seen him?
Tell me where to find him

Café, beach tennis, bowling alley, bar

Have you seen him?
Tell me where to find him

Wanted: straight, white man
Who hasn't f*cked up

In five decades of his life

Wanted: straight, white man

Who deals with his issues
And has clean underwear

MEN IN THERAPY

Who can deal with the business world

And knows how to give good head

GIVE GOOD HEAD

Wanted, wanted Where is he?

Have you seen him?
Tell me where to find him

Café, beach tennis, bowling alley, bar

Have you seen him?
Tell me where to find him

My outfit is not an invitation

We can do without your mansplaining

Take care of the kids on your own

Deal with your issues
Don't throw them on me

Got a haircut, how do I look?
You're supposed to lie, honey

Say it looks good

Wanted, wanted Where is he?

Have you seen him?
Tell me where to find him

Café, beach tennis, bowling alley, bar

Have you seen him?
Tell me where to find him

Are you him?

Have you seen him?
Tell me where to find him

Did you like my song?

Yeah, it's great.

I think...

I gave it some thought...

- My career is ruined for good.
- Why?

I sang and danced,
and I'm terrible at both.

The musical idea just came up.

It was great, relevant,
it's an issue we've been discussing.

- Was it embarrassing?
- Not at all.

Thank God my part is done.

I've talked about relevance, my cause,
I've sung and danced.

- It's your turn now.
- I want to speak too!

I want to speak.

Go ahead, get if off your chest.

It's my turn, I want to speak.

- I want to speak.
- So speak up.

I want to break free
and talk about relevant issues.

Some things we still need to talk about.

- Do it.
- "Most handsome men" lists.

"Who's the most handsome?"
"Robert Pattinson."

"Robert Pattinson."
Everyone is talking about him.

- It pisses me off.
- Why?

Why Robert Pattinson?

Why Robert Pattinson?

Why not PA? Right?

Would you rather do PA
or Robert Pattinson?

- PA.
- Of course.

Lázaro Ramos or Michael B. Jordan?

You don't have to answer that.

I want to make my own clip.

When we bring this up,
people say we're whining.

But these issues can't be silenced.

So I'll speak up.

Hello. My name is Sidimir.

Despite of having a Business degree

like all the other white employees here,

I was hired as an office boy.

Give this to Dr. Alceu.

But after six months,
I was relocated to my field.

Hey, kid. Put this on my desk.

Six years later I did get promoted.

To senior office boy.

Now I had even more requests.

Listen, I need a copy of this.
Give this to my secretary.

Get my package downstairs.
Did you sent that e-mail? Never mind.

Book the meeting room
and have the IT guy come up.

Can you get my datebook
in the meeting room downstairs?

Get the cleaning staff to clean my office.

Some requests aren't even my job.

Hey, kid. Come in here.

Get me a pack of flavored condoms.

Just don't tell anyone, or you're fired!

When I wasn't needed,

I was invisible in this company.

Can I leave earlier?

Nice suit, man. Great cut.

What a beautiful day!

It's a beautiful day!

I could do anything.
Like pretend to have a heart attack.

Or make lion sounds.

I could do anything
and they wouldn't listen.

It really affected me,

so I made up an imaginary world
where everyone listened.

So, I went dancing to Marechal.

Can you believe they called me on stage?

I went on stage! It was awesome.

I danced. It was great.

Then I went to Leka and had
some fries with cheese and bacon.

It was great. Then I had some strawberries
with cream, best dessert ever.

- Who's this guy?
- I have no idea.

But things changed.

The anti-r*cist movement compelled
companies to think about diversity.

So I got promoted to Coordinator.

An audit showed them,
because they hadn't noticed before,

that there were no Black people
in leadership roles.

Congratulations on your promotion!
Well deserved.

- World's best boss!
- Thank you. Thank you all.

My first action?

Firing some inept employees.

You were almost like family to me.

My second action was to hire Black people.

I don't feel alone anymore.

Listen up, after our meeting,

I'm going to Marechal for some fries,
is anyone in?

- Cool, I'm in.
- I love those fries.

I'll just have to cancel my dentist.

The consequence?
After six months, I was considered

the most competent coordinator
in the company's history.

Then I got promoted

to Company Director.

Sidimir!

Sidimir!

Next time you go dancing, call me.

Me too! I want Leka's fries.

And those strawberries with cream.

It's all so over the top,
they treat me like a celebrity.

Even the company owner.

My dear boy!

- Take a picture with me.
- Sure, Mr. Adamastor.

Say "cheese"!

He'll caption this picture saying:
"I've always believed in you."

That's sadly not true,
but it only encourages me

to sit behind his desk someday.
That's where I wanna get.

CEO

I was thinking...

Sometimes we promise we'll change,

but it's hard when our surroundings don't.

That's why I always blame others.

- Really?
- Sure.

I do.

Sometimes we try to be cool,

but annoying people annoy us
and we get annoyed.

THE SENIORS g*ng

The Seniors g*ng.

Hey, check this out.

Everyone can cry

We're seniors
And we're taking over the night

Come on!

Everyone can cry

We're seniors
And we're taking over the night

Come on!

- Go seniors!
- Go seniors!

- Man! How do you remember that?
- I never forgot that.

I missed that!

Let's drink, everybody.

Drink, drink, drink.

If we had had TikTok back in our day,

this would have gone viral.
Trending Topic.

That's Twitter, sir.

I'm gonna get a drink.

- Can I go?
- You can.

Hey, Dinha, I really missed that.

"What's up, dudes?"

This day can never end.

This day will never end, dudes!

- Is "dudes" still a thing?
- No. It's not.

Having "dudes" is not a thing.

In real life, you're alone
getting up at 6:30 a.m.

to get the monsters you call children
ready for school,

spending one hour stuck in traffic,

then working ten hours only to earn less
than you deserve.

What was that?

I'm not sure it was worth it.

It wasn't for me.

Of course it was.

It was totally worth it.

Tatá.

Tatá, I was over there looking at you
and all your tattoos.

What does the padlock on your face mean?

It's a secret.

Right. Listen...
Do you, like, prefer boys or girls?

I like souls.

Are you high?

Hold on, I might want some.

I was a repressed girl in high school.
That's why.

A lot of accumulated gayness.

Let it out. It's so beautiful.

This is awesome, guys!

I should've thrown this party long ago.

Wait. You can hardly call this a party.

I'm sorry to be a party pooper,
but this is boring like a retirement home.

A retirement home party is more fun.

And we're not at a good moment
for parties.

The world is begging
for relevant discussions,

conferences, debates...

Who still uses plastic straws?

I do!

Come on, the pandemic again? Boring!

Don't look at me like that.
Cancel yourselves.

Don't cancel my joy
'cause I'm not here to be sad.

You know this party is a flop, right?

You talked about it for a week,
then created a group chat, people left it.

- I wasn't there.
- Come on, don't say that.

Vini's always been the nice one.

I wasn't that nice.

- Yes, you were.
- You've always been.

- Just accept it.
- I wasn't the nice one.

- Of course you were.
- I don't like being called that.

- You were so nice.
- I wasn't.

Stop it! I wasn't nice!

In fact, I threw this party
to show you all

that I made it, I'm married,
I have amazing kids

and live in this amazing house!

And if any of you want to go home,
then go already.

That was kind of hot, Vini.

Have you tried meditation?

Come here, seniors.

It's our song!

A mouse!

Can anyone rescue it? He's afraid.

It's afraid of us.

It's gone.

Can anyone clean it up?
It can't stain the carpet.

- Economy.
- Let's talk about it.

Let's see if prices will really drop.

Some families ask their kids
what they want for Christmas,

and they say, "Yogurt."
Yogurt is the new bicycle.

We spend in a day
what we'd spend in a week.

The coffee.

Scarlet eggplant prices can go up,
no one likes it.

Or cucumbers.
Unless you're cool as a cucumber.

But expensive coffee
should be prohibited by law.

My friend got gastritis
only to avoid buying it.

For real.

When I don't drink coffee,
I could k*ll someone.

Get down on the floor!
I'm not joking here.

I'm running out of patience.

- I'm violent.
- Please get up from the floor.

- Hi, Ms. Rejane.
- This is a robbery.

- I'm violent. Want to try me?
- This is not a robbery.

Ms. Rejane, that's a finger,
and I can see your face.

How are you, my dear?

- How's your mom?
- Fine.

- What's your statement today?
- I want to explain what's going on.

This thing is that four years ago,

I could buy three yogurts
with what I pay for one today.

- What month is it?
- January.

- What do we have?
- Vacations.

Vehicle tax, real estate tax, government
bills, school supplies, Christmas gifts.

I'm going to pay the first installment.

- Right, but that was your choice.
- No.

I did it because my daughter couldn't get
into any public university.

She's a bit dumb.

- You know how much private colleges cost?
- No.

I can't make ends meet!

I can't afford things!

I can't... I could be k*lling people.
I have a g*n.

Hey! I have a g*n!

My cousin has a g*n!

I could rob you guys for real.

I'm just swiping stuff!

- You're not...
- Let me swipe!

- You're not a thief!
- But I'm a mother!

- Are you an only child?
- Yes.

Would your mother dive into the sea
after you without knowing how to swim?

- She would.
- I have three children to save.

Pedro Antônio, Vitória Cristina
and my deadbeat husband Marco Aurélio!

Can you keep your voice down?
They're gonna announce special prices now.

- I'm gonna talk to them.
- Just stop to listen.

Let's listen.

- Rita... Rejane, don't!
- Give it to me.

Excuse me,
can I have everyone's attention?

I'd like to explain myself.
I'm sorry I had you lying on the floor.

I have to choose between food
and my kids' education.

- Do you eat shrimp?
- No.

No one eats shrimp.
I don't know how long...

No one buys it
because it has too much shell.

- When you peel them, two kilos become one.
- That's cleaning.

And it gets smaller when we cook it,
because it shrinks and withers.

It gets so small
it's only good as a starter.

- There are some discounts today.
- On what?

Scarlet eggplants.

Great. Does anyone like it?

Why don't you have a sale on sturdy fruit?

An expensive fruit?
A fancy fruit we can't afford?

Like strawberries,
cherries or blueberries.

Something we can serve. Blueberries.

Scarlet eggplants? Have a better sale.

Something we can't afford.
Everybody agrees.

Ms. Rejane, I'll call security.

No need for that. I'm leaving.

I'm sorry, everyone.

I wasn't armed at all.
My finger looked like a thin d*ck.

I'm sorry I threatened you.
It was necessary.

Thank you, God bless.
I'm leaving with my empty chart.

My cart...

Thank you, guys,
sorry for the inconvenience.

You don't have to.

- You're gonna pay.
- I prefer the strawberry one.

Can you get the extra virgin?
I don't like this one.

Meat... If I make barbecue,
I don't need to have sex.

I'm in menopause, I'm never in the mood.

Oh, there's no need, really.

Guys, there's no need.
Oh, it's prosciutto.

God bless you.

- I can't let you go.
- You can't?

- I can't.
- You can't?

Let her go!

Fine! I'll let her go.

Thank you very much.

Send my love to your mom.
Thanks, everyone. God bless you.

God bless you all.

I'm gonna pray for you.

HELP DESK

As many other Black men and women,
for a long time,

I've also given free advice
on racial matters.

But my life has changed.

I've been invited to work
at this help desk.

Hello?

Support for lazy closeted racists
to answer their questions

so they avoid being cancelled online.
Good morning.

Look. There's a man of color at my church.

Can I call him "Black"?

You can call him by his name, ma'am.

It's the best option.
You can also use Handsome, Hunk,

Bunny, Mr. Hotpants.

Bye.

Hello? Support for lazy closeted racists
to get their questions answered

so they avoid being cancelled online.
Good morning.

Hello. Let me ask you something.
Is the term "black market" wrong?

Why don't you say "white market"?

Washed-out market?
Colorless market? Faded market?

Caucasian?

Bleached?

Maybe one of those words will suit
your intentions better. Bye.

Hello.

Support for lazy closeted racists
to get their questions answered

so they avoid being cancelled online.
Good morning.

I was watching a soccer match
and a Black man was playing terribly.

I said, "This Black dude is like a lady.
He should play like a man."

-Was that a r*cist comment?
- No.

That's what I told my friend.

It was r*cist, sexist and h*m*.

All at once.

Then what should I say
if someone is playing badly?

You got me there. How should you say
that someone is playing badly?

How about "he's playing badly"?

Bye.

Go ahead, Mr. Wrong.

Look, I have nothing against g*y people,
but I think they're too visible.

We see f*gs on TV all the time.

Before, they'd look f*g, but weren't.

If they were f*gs,
they didn't look like one.

We'd learn from gossip
that they were f*gs.

Today, they look like f*gs,
they are f*gs and are open about it.

That's a lot of "f*gs," right?

-Yeah, too many.
- I mean in your speech.

You said "f*g" ten times in ten seconds.

It may be time for you to check
what's your problem with same-sex love.

Anyway, you've called the wrong service.

This is the support for lazy closeted
racists to get their questions answered

so they avoid being cancelled online.

You should've called
the TWSHPTETWIYYSCD help desk.

It's another department.

The "Those Who Still
Have Patience to Explain

that the World Isn't Yours,
You Self-Centered d*ck" help desk.

Different department.

No, but look,

I have nothing against it,
I even have h*m* friends,

but they are discreet.

Yeah.

So I got this Halloween costume...

Go to hell!

f*ck it.

Hey.

Let me tell you something.

Here's the thing.

I had 13 floors to reflect
on our relationship

and it turns out we're not that close.

It's not paying off.
I want to break up our friendship.

Come on, Claudinha.
We've only got each other here.

Tell me about it.
If we were doing this in Goiás,

at least 16 cousins,

and 20 other cousins
to those cousins would come.

If I were in Salvador,

so many people
would come that we could throw a party.

It'd be so great, they'd make it official.

And we'd eat some good food
to celebrate the new sofa.

Have you realized that when you get home
there'll be no one there?

There'll be no one in my house either.

Did we make a mistake moving here?

You know how many friends I made?
A bunch of acquaintances.

You know how many came to my birthday?
Two. From Goiânia.

- I'm sorry I mistreated you.
- No, I'm sorry.

- I yelled at you.
- That's okay.

I've just realized
you're my only friend here.

- And Paulinha?
- She's a phony.

We're taking this sofa upstairs.

- We can carry it up.
- We can.

- We got this far. We can keep going.
- That's right!

And how are we gonna celebrate?

- With a nice beer.
- A nice, cold beer?

And we're gonna drink
on this hideous sofa.

But together.

Now we've covered everything.

We never said what we want to change.

About ourselves?
That's kind of uncomfortable.

- What do you wanna change?
- I want to...

take instant action
when I witness an unjust act.

- Sometimes we just freeze.
- Totally.

I also want to stop getting up
in the middle of the night

to eat cookies.

I want to...

worry less about aging.

I want to get rid of this fear,
especially as a woman.

I want to complain less and run more.

- Run?
- Yeah, run. I admire people who run.

This is what I want.
To laugh more with my children.

Instead of saying "no" to them,
I'd rather laugh with them.

I would also like to feel less hatred
towards people who disagree with me.

- Do you agree?
- Sure.

Good.

One last thing.

I wish I was less afraid of the future.

- Me too.
- I don't want my kids to feel that.

Good one.

And I want to celebrate
the moments of happiness more often.

Like this moment, right now.

- I'm happy with it.
- I'm happy too.

- I'm really happy.
- Give me a hug.

- Let's celebrate!
- We nailed it.

Let's do it!

Happy New Year again!

- Ingrid, it was amazing.
- It was great, right?

- You were great.
- Really?

For sure.

You also impressed me.

How about that moment
when you were like...

Yeah, that was amazing!

Someone's at the door.

Be right there!

- Take it easy, guys.
- We're celebrating!

Let's play fancy. We'll be right there.

Yeah, honey.

Tell them to come in.

Right.

Invite them in.

Okay.

Got it.

- Don't freak out.
- What's going on?

- Good news or bad news first?
- Good.

We're doing well so far.

Not really good. But good.

- But the ending sucks.
- What?

- They hate it!
- What do you mean?

- They hate it!
- It was great.

It was consistent with the theme,
it was well-developed...

- They're the bosses.
- What do they want?

I don't know. Back to writing.
Stop drinking. Get the pen.

Focus.

How about an emotional ending?

That's it.

The most important change needs to happen

inside of us.

That sounded like a charity show.

- Humor, then.
- Okay, I'll make some jokes.

So he said, "I like it."
And I was like, "Deal with the vulva."

And he was, "It smells like problem."

It's amazing how not funny that was.

Doing comedy doesn't mean
we can do catchphrases.

- But the, "Deal with..."
- Not the vulva again.

Okay?

You know what? Dancing.

You're from Bahia, it's in your blood.
Everyone will love it.

Let's dance!

Were you born and raised in Bahia?

Yes.

It's okay.

It's... Hey!

It's okay. Drink up.

- We can make slime... Sing!
- We can sing.

- Of course! Music!
- Obviously!

- Keep it simple.
- Simple.

- Simple.
- Simple.

I see a better life in the future

I can see it over a great wall

Of hypocrisy that keeps surrounding us

I see a life that's clearer and fuller

Filled with all the enjoyment

That can fit from firmament to the ground

I wanna believe in easy love

And may it meet anyone

Who gets to experience passion
At its fullest

I see the beginning of a new era

Where people are refined
Elegant and honest

And are able to say more "yes" than "no"

Time flies these days

It slips through our fingers

Even if we don't feel it

And time never comes back, baby

Let's allow ourselves to live

Let ourselves go

- Happy 2023!
- Happy 2023!

Have a great year, everyone!