(FESTIVE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING)
(MUSIC ENDS JARRINGLY)
BETH: (READING) "The Herdmans
were absolutely the worst kids
"in the history of the world."
(TWINKLE (LITTLE CHRISTMAS
LIGHTS) PLAYING)
They lied.
They stole.
MAN: Come back here!
BETH: They smoked cigars.
Even the girls.
(EXHALES)
They hit little kids.
Even if the little kids
-were bigger than them.
-(GROWLS)
Hey!
(GROANING)
(ALL GRUNTING)
BETH: They took
the Lord's name in vain.
(INAUDIBLE)
BETH: They cussed teachers.
(INAUDIBLE)
(FIRE CRACKLING)
They even set fire
to Fred Shoemaker's old,
broken-down tool shed.
To be fair, the shed was ugly
and was about
to fall over anyway.
My father said,
"Burning it down
"was the only good thing
the Herdmans ever did
"and if they'd known
it was a good thing,
"they wouldn't
have done it at all."
They were
just so all-around awful,
you could hardly believe
they were real.
No one knew
why they were that way.
It seemed they just came
out of the womb mean.
And speaking of that womb,
us kids have never seen
their parents.
Some thought
they'd given up and run away.
My theory was that they were
the first parents
to be kidnapped,
tied up, and robbed
by their own kids.
Ralph,
Leroy,
Claude,
Ollie,
Gladys,
and the toughest one
of them all, Imogene.
-(BELL RINGING)
-All the same,
except for different sizes
and different
black-and-blue marks
where they had clonked
each other.
Okay, everybody,
find your seats.
I hope you're ready
for Show and Tell.
My first Shower-and-Teller
will be...
OLLIE: Me.
Okay. Ollie Herdman is first.
-I'm... Wait.
-(ANIMAL GROWLING)
It's my cat.
Spike.
-(CAT SCREECHING)
-(KIDS SCREAMING)
(CLATTERING)
(GASPING)
(KIDS SCREAMING)
CHILD: I can't see.
ADULT BETH: That's me.
Hey!
ADULT BETH:
Did I mention they stole?
(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
What do you want?
This necklace?
Or your neck?
Hm?
ADULT BETH: I chose my neck.
I usually avoided trouble,
but apparently
my favorite locket
got her attention.
Imogene was
their unchallenged leader.
She struck mortal fear
into anyone in her path,
including adults.
She especially
didn't like Alice.
-IMOGENE: Hey, Cooties.
-Ow!
ADULT BETH:
Probably because Alice
was the exact opposite
of Imogene.
(SNIFFING)
All the way down to her...
Your hands smell
like soap again.
Hiding your cooties?
It was head lice,
and it was one time
at summer camp.
ADULT BETH:
But Imogene never forgets.
-The Herdmans are just...
-I know.
The Herdmans are absolutely
the worst kids
in the history of the world.
GRACE:
What'd they do now, dear?
ADULT BETH: (SIGHS)
My mom gave me that locket.
Nothing.
The usual.
Set something on fire?
Dump soapy water
down a school hallway?
Steal your lunch
and then punch you
for not havin' any candy?
Something like that.
Do your homework tonight.
Big day tomorrow.
-Gettin' the Christmas tree.
-Great, Dad.
I'm sure the Herdmans
will find some way to ruin it.
That's not very jolly.
God, this is a selfish prayer.
I know
I shouldn't pray it, but...
can you send the Herdmans
somewhere far away
until I grow up?
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Somewhere without many people.
Maybe an island
with no people at all.
And violent,
dangerous creatures.
Either do that,
or make me invisible
until college.
That would fix it.
Thanks, God.
Sorry for this awful prayer.
ADULT BETH:
We figured the Herdmans
were headed straight for hell
by way
of the state penitentiary
until they got mixed up
with my mother,
our church,
and our big Christmas pageant.
(A HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS
BY THE RIVER CRYERS)
That's my family.
My dad, Bob,
full-time accountant,
my mom, Grace, full-time mom,
my brother, Charlie,
full-time smart aleck.
(THUDS)
(SIGHS)
Every year.
BOB: (GRUNTING) Okay. Honey.
Little help, please.
Sweetheart?
(GRUNTING)
ADULT BETH: Normal family
in a normal town.
And this is our town.
It doesn't have much.
The one thing
our town was known for
was our church's
annual Christmas pageant.
It was a big deal.
Even bigger this year
because of the anniversary.
I'll tell you
everything you need to know
about the Emmanuel Annual.
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
This is the very first one,
the year our church
and our town opened.
Legend has it, the pageant
used to mean something
and that everyone in town
was excited to see it.
They wanted to be reminded
of the beauty
of the Christmas story.
But I'm not sure the pageant
was all
that beautiful anymore.
This is us last year.
That's Alice,
you met her earlier,
in her third year
playing Mary.
And that's Mrs. Armstrong,
who's directed the pageant
for forever
and makes sure
nothing ever changes, ever.
In my opinion, after the 74th
same old pageant,
it had all the depth and joy
of a recycled Christmas card.
But keeping it the same
is exactly how the town
wanted it.
Because it was the 75th,
there was even more attention
than normal.
People from other towns
were coming.
Former cast members.
It was even in the paper.
And the Ladies Aid was helping
with the costumes
to make them nicer
than normal.
(GRUNTING)
-BOB: Is that level?
-Tilting to the left.
BOB: How about...
-How about now?
-That's worse.
ANCHOR: (ON TV) Finally...
BOB: What?
ANCHOR: ...in local news,
'tis the season to remind you
of the annual
Christmas pageant
in the town of Emmanuel,
which will actually fall
on Christmas Day this year.
They're advertising on TV now?
Attendance and giving
are down at church.
The town needs visitors.
I think they're desperate.
(DEEP SIGH)
BOB: Okay, just tell me
when it's right.
You don't have to tell me
it's wrong.
I'll just assume
that it's wrong,
and you tell me
if it stops being wrong.
That's level.
GRACE: These are kind of hot.
BOB: Hold on.
GRACE: What?
BOB: There.
GRACE: Oh! They got...
ADULT BETH: So, it's time
to tell you something
about my mom.
It's hard to sum up
what she does
in a single sentence.
Whether it was
doing our annual
Christmas decorating together
or making sure we participated
in the Christmas pageant,
even if we didn't want to,
she kept our family on track.
That was
her main focus in life,
but that was about to change
right now.
(POLICE SIREN CHIRPS)
-(WHISPERS) Careful.
-What's going on?
Is that a Herdman fire?
That's the Armstrong house.
ADULT BETH: Oh, no.
Mrs. Wendelken.
Alice's mom,
the queen bee
of the town supermoms,
-whose single glance...
- (CHIMES)
That's the one.
...could make my mom
feel small.
(WHISPERS) Tuck in your shirt.
-It's under my coat.
-(SIGHS) Oh.
EMT: You're gonna be okay.
Helen, are you in much pain?
Yes. Terrible.
I'm so sorry. What happened?
I took a spill.
Never mind how.
Broke both of her legs.
-(GASPS)
-Both of them?
Yes, both.
Call Mr. Armstrong
at the factory.
And shut off the stove
under my potatoes
or the whole house'll
burn down.
Inform the Ladies Aid,
I will not be at the meeting.
We need to find a replacement
for the bazaar.
-Okay, that's a lot.
-And the Potluck Committee.
And the Beautification
Committee.
-Of course.
-And the Christmas pageant.
I'll need someone
who can follow my plan.
-Rebecca?
-Yes.
You could do that.
Especially because of Alice.
I can't, obviously.
I'm too busy with my job
and the other committees.
But don't worry, Helen.
We'll find someone.
I suppose I could try.
(BOTH SNICKER)
That's okay, Grace.
The pageant is an especially
big deal this year.
You can bring the cookies.
That's your thing.
I'm sorry, "my thing"?
Bringing the cookies
is "my thing"?
Well, your store-bought brand
from last year were so tasty.
You'll be great.
-We'll find someone, Helen.
-(SIGHS)
ADULT BETH: One other thing
about my mom,
she preferred
keeping life simple.
But if one of the judgy
town moms challenged her,
she'd try anything.
Even...
-Mrs. Armstrong?
-You did what?
(NERVOUSLY) Uh...
You volunteered to direct
the Christmas pageant?
She needed help.
Mrs. Wendelken
was gonna find...
Mrs. Wendelken doesn't have
to do everything
and those ladies need to know
I am perfectly capable...
You realize
that Armstrong woman
is gonna be calling this house
ten times a day?
You didn't give her
our phone number, did you?
You promised
she would never have it.
After Mrs. Wendelken said that
I could just bring cookies,
it was all a blur.
Now I guess I have to attend.
And watch Charlie the shepherd
wearing my bathrobe again.
Oh, no. Did somebody die?
It's worse than that, son.
Your mom is running
the Christmas pageant.
(KIDS CHUCKLING)
I bet you all think
this is really funny
but the Christmas pageant
is a tradition,
and it's important
and I can manage it just fine.
In fact, I told Mrs. Armstrong
it's going to be the best
Christmas pageant ever.
-(TELEPHONE RINGING)
-Oh!
I wonder who that is.
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
ADULT BETH: This was not good.
The pageant
had to be great this year
and as much as I admired her
for stepping up,
Mom had never done
anything like this before
and didn't know what
or who she was up against.
I couldn't stand
to see her fail
in front of the whole town.
-But...
-You got this, Mom.
God, please make it
a good pageant
so Mom doesn't get blamed.
ADULT BETH: Now, why did
I spend so much time
telling you
all about the Herdmans
and our town's lather, rinse,
repeat Christmas pageant?
What could one possibly
have to do with the other?
You'll see.
-Good morning.
-ALL: Good morning.
REVEREND HOPKINS:
As you know,
once a month,
we ask the Sunday School
to be in service
for the first 15 minutes
and do something special.
Sing a song,
act out a parable,
or recite some Bible verses.
Before we bring them up,
I'm sure you heard about
Mrs. Armstrong's
unfortunate accident.
-(INHALES DEEPLY)
-She is recovering.
But I want to be sure to give
special mention to Grace,
for volunteering to direct
the Christmas pageant.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
(GIGGLING)
REVEREND HOPKINS:
We are all very grateful,
especially with
all the attention
the pageant
is getting this year.
So good luck. No pressure.
(ALL CHUCKLING)
All right,
this month,
Ms. Warren asked the kids
to share what they liked best
about church.
Ms. Warren.
(WHISPERING)
Go ahead, sweetie.
So just up there.
Yep, big voice.
What I like best
about Sunday School
is the good feeling I get
when I go there.
-PEOPLE: Aww.
-(APPLAUDING)
All right, Minnie, you're up.
Go ahead.
Voice loud.
I love to sing hymns,
and I love Jesus.
-(CHUCKLES)
-(CLAPS)
So cute.
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Charlie, how 'bout you?
-(FOOTSTEPS)
-(PAPER RUSTLING)
What I like best
about church is
there aren't
any Herdmans here.
(AMUSING MUSIC PLAYING)
Charlie'll tell you some other
things he likes next time.
Happy Sunday.
Hmm.
What? There are
other things I like
but she said,
"What you like best."
And what I like best
is no Herdmans.
Hey, that's not a very
Christian sentiment.
It's the truth. And you say,
"Always tell the truth."
(SIGHS)
When your dad says that,
he means not
at the expense of kindness.
-Nailed it.
-Pulled that out of your...
ADULT BETH: The truth was,
the last three days in a row,
Leroy Herdman
stole the dessert
from Charlie's lunch box.
(GRUNTS) Give it up, Charlie!
ADULT BETH: Why Charlie?
I guess it was his turn
this month.
(GRUNTS SOFTLY)
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
Day three of the siege,
Charlie surrendered.
Fine, take it. I don't care.
I get all the snacks I want
from church, anyway.
What kinds of snacks?
Chocolate cake, candy bars,
cookies, Kool-Aid,
ice cream, doughnuts,
popcorn ba*ls.
So go ahead.
Church gives me
everything I need.
Too bad you'll never know.
You'd melt if you ever
showed up in a church.
ADULT BETH: Charlie's lie
couldn't have backfired
-more spectacularly.
- (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
That Sunday
was our food drive.
Good morning. Thank you
for coming. Nice to see you.
Hello.
Great to see you.
Thank you for coming.
You sure we got
the right place?
They're here.
Oh, my goodness.
We can do this.
Just keep smiling.
-Where do you get the cake?
-Cake?
Yeah. Right over there,
that's it.
Good idea, Leroy.
We can work with this.
Are you here
for Sunday school?
A-ha! More school, he says.
I knew there'd be a catch.
Come on, let's get outta here.
No, no, no. It's...
It's not like regular school.
You'll learn about Jesus
and you'll sing songs
about Him.
-Are your parents here?
-Mom's working.
We were told
there'd be desserts.
Free desserts to anyone
who wants 'em.
MRS. HOPKINS: I'm sure I could
rustle you up
something special
after service,
if you'd like to stay.
I will show you where it is.
(EXHALES) Oh, boy.
(ALL SINGING) Jesus
loves me, this I know
-For the Bible tells me so
- (SINGING FADES)
ADULT BETH: Uh-oh.
Beth, you'd be happy to
have them sit by you, right?
Great. Come now.
(CHAIRS CLATTERING)
(SIGHS)
(GULPS)
Well, we haven't melted yet.
ADULT BETH: So they stayed.
(SINGING)
Jesus loves me...
ADULT BETH: They didn't sing
any hymns.
For the Bible...
Our Father,
who art in heaven...
ADULT BETH: ...or say prayers.
Baby Jesus...
ADULT BETH: But they did
practice their drawing skills.
(COIN CLATTERS)
And made a little money.
MRS. HOPKINS: All right, kids.
We're going to be
starting rehearsals soon
for our Christmas pageant.
So please be sure
to let your parents know
they'll need to stay
after church
with you next week
for all the details.
I do hope you'll be in
the choir again this year.
-Your voice, it's so...
-Grief, Alice.
I'm not gonna try
and play Mary
just because my mom's
running the pageant.
We want all of you
to be there.
Hey, what's a pageant?
-It's a play.
-A play?
You know, like a movie.
-But in front of people.
-A movie, huh?
ADULT BETH: The Herdmans were
big moviegoers.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
OLLIE: Come here,
you little...
ADULT BETH: Though they never
paid their own way.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Stop! Stop! Stop!
Aye! Aye! Hey.
Don't you... Stop. Stop.
Stop fighting.
Hey! Okay. Okay!
Hey! Enough! Dude. Hey!
(ENCHANTING MUSIC PLAYING)
BETH: Everyone shows up
to watch.
It's about Jesus.
(SIGHS) Everything here is.
ADULT BETH:
After that comment,
I figured she didn't care much
about the Christmas pageant.
- (BELL RINGING)
-But I was wrong.
And at summer camp,
they have a super-fast boat.
It's way faster than a car.
I've only ever been
on a canoe.
And then there's this raft
we dive off of.
I can do the swan dive.
Sounds fun.
And then you get eaten
by a bear.
So Cooties, Wallflower,
you ready for this?
I'm gonna be
in your pageant this year.
-You're what?
-Cooties heard me.
I'm gonna be
in your Bible play.
(SCOFFS) What?
You can't be in the pageant.
I'm gonna be Baby Jesus's mom.
Hah! You're too dirty to play
Mary, Imogene Herdman.
Everyone knows.
Alice!
-Who's Mary?
-Baby Jesus' mom.
Which everyone knows
except you.
And I'm always Mary
in the pageant
and there's nothing
you can do about it.
(SIGHS) Sweetie,
you're gonna tell 'em
you don't wanna do it.
You want me to be Mary.
And why would I do that?
'Cause if you don't,
then next spring,
when the p*ssy willows
come out,
I'm gonna stick a p*ssy willow
so far down
your pretty little ear,
they won't be able
to get it out.
It'll sprout there
and grow and grow.
And you'll spend
the rest of your life
with a p*ssy willow bush
growing right out
of your head.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
ADULT BETH: Believe it or not,
she'd done it before.
-(SCREAMS) Get off me!
-Okay. Just one sec. One sec.
(GROANING)
-What?
-(SCREAMS)
Ah... (GRUNTS)
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)
What are you lookin' at?
Why would you even want
to be in the pageant?
None of your business.
ADULT BETH: While the little
kids were all tired,
and the big kids
were all hungry,
and the mothers all wanted
to go home and cook dinner
and the fathers
all wanted to go home
and watch the game on TV,
the Herdmans sat quietly,
waiting for my mom to begin.
And I was praying
for a miracle
that Imogene would stay quiet
and the Herdmans wouldn't
burn anything down
and ruin my mom's rehearsal
and embarrass us
in front of everyone.
-Okay, that's three miracles.
- (GULPS)
Well, hello, everyone.
This won't take very long.
All right, just a moment.
This is from a lot
of calls this week.
(CHUCKLING) Okay.
First, as Mrs. Armstrong
always says,
"There are no small parts,
only small actors."
What does that mean?
I honestly don't know.
Okay, we don't have
many rehearsals,
so you must all try to be
present at every one.
-What if we get sick?
-You won't get sick.
Now, you little children
over here, you will be angels.
"The older boys and girls
will be shepherds
"and guests at the inn
and members of the choir.
"And we need Mary and Joseph,
"the three Wise Men,
and the Angel of the Lord.
"They aren't hard parts,
but they're important parts."
Oh. "So those kids must
"absolutely come
to every rehearsal."
What if they get sick?
-They won't get sick either.
-But what if they do?
Nobody is getting sick, David.
"We always start with Mary.
"We must choose Mary carefully
"because Mary
is the mother of Jesus.
"She should be a sweet,
happy little girl, who..."
Okay, enough of this.
I know many of you would like
to play Mary in our pageant,
but we only need one.
Imogene,
do you have a question?
No. I wanna be Mary.
And Ralph wants to be Joe.
ADULT BETH: It was like
a detective movie
where a nice little old lady
shoves a g*n
in the bank window
and says,
"Give me all your money,"
and you can't believe it.
My mother couldn't believe it.
We have to give
everyone a chance.
Does anyone else wanna
volunteer for Joseph?
Elmer? You usually like
playing Joseph.
ADULT BETH: Elmer hated
playing Joseph.
But his dad was the minister,
so he made him
when nobody else volunteered.
Nobody else ever volunteered.
Well, that's very surprising.
Anybody else?
All right.
Ralph will be our Joseph.
Would anyone else
like to volunteer for Mary?
Alice, don't you want
to volunteer this year?
N--No.
(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)
Anybody?
ADULT BETH: Mom was in
a terrible spot. The worst.
The parents, the pageant,
the church, the whole town,
they'd blame Mom
if the pageant imploded.
Would I step up to help?
What I would do next
would determine the fate of
the pageant to this very day.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Okay.
Imogene will be our Mary.
-(GASPS)
-(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
We have Wise Men next.
Leroy, Claude and Ollie
wanna play them.
Okay, now we have to give
everyone a chance, Imogene.
Everyone's had their chance.
They've had
all kinds of chances.
-And the Angel of the Lord?
-Gladys.
-Me!
-(ALL GASP)
(CLEARS THROAT) Robby! Robby!
Michelle.
You raise that hand.
Suppose that's that, then.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Uh, we need the shepherds.
Charlie, you're in.
David and Robby?
I just remembered,
we're going to Philadelphia.
-We are not!
-I'll probably be sick.
I'll put you both down
for probably.
Mom, Gladys Herdman
hits too hard.
My goodness, Gladys isn't
going to hit anyone.
What an idea!
The Angel of the Lord
visits the shepherds
in the field
and tells them
that Jesus is born.
And hits them.
I don't wanna hear
another word about it.
No shepherds will quit
or get sick.
Or go to Philadelphia.
-(BOOK THUDS LOUDLY)
-Ow!
I felt terrible for my mom.
-And some of it was my fault.
- (ALL WHISPERING)
Here she was, five minutes
into covering
for Mrs. Armstrong
and the Herdmans had hijacked
the entire pageant.
I'd been afraid
it'd be the same old thing,
and now I'd do anything
for it to be boring again.
(UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING)
Word about what happened
spread faster
than a Herdman-set grass fire.
Kids told their parents,
parents called their neighbors
and neighbors
called their relatives.
(UP-TEMPO MUSIC CONTINUES)
(INHALES SHARPLY)
(MRS. ARMSTRONG SIGHS)
How could you let this happen?
How could...
How could...
How could...
(WHISPERS) Does anyone have
a paper bag?
It's not fair
that a whole family
who doesn't even go
to our church
just barged in
and took over the pageant.
Injustice was done.
We all agree
it was a travesty.
Because the Herdmans
volunteered for the pageant?
She is referring
to the grievous as*ault
on the impartial
casting process yesterday.
With all due respect,
nothing about the process
has ever been impartial,
Mrs. Armstrong.
And as for a grievous as*ault,
I literally pleaded with
your children to participate.
We were paralyzed with shock.
But you spoke.
It came in waves.
(SIGHS)
I'm sorry, but...
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
We're using really big words
to talk about a pageant
where the kids just have
to stand in the same spot
they stand in every year.
We take it seriously.
So do I, Mrs. Slocum,
that's why I volunteered.
Judging by who you cast
as Mary, you apparently don't.
Rebecca... (INHALES SHARPLY)
is it possible that,
as Alice's mom,
you have a personal interest
in who plays Mary?
-(GASPS)
-The pageant is sacred.
Wait. The pageant is sacred?
-Obviously.
-It's about community.
-And fundraising.
-And Mother Mary.
And tradition.
What do you all suggest?
That I kick the Herdmans
out of the Christmas pageant
and keep them
out of the church?
-Yes.
-Mmm-hmm.
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
-(GRACE SIGHS)
-(FOOTSTEPS)
(SIGHS)
I mean,
I can't just kick 'em out.
But they're right. It might be
a disaster with the Herdmans.
Now, that's a pageant
I'd actually like to see.
Mother Mary
puffin' on a cigar,
the shepherds clobbering
each other with their hooks.
Five bucks say
they burn down the manger.
BETH: Why'd you
have to tell 'em
they'd get food
at church, dummy?
'Cause I didn't think
they'd actually
walk into a church building!
I'm surprised
they didn't burst into flames.
Sorry I didn't volunteer.
Did I ruin the pageant?
Oh, my goodness, no! Honey...
Beth, I will tell you
what I told
those condescending,
hyper-controlling
busybodies from church,
that while Helen Armstrong
might be surprised
the sun rises every morning
even though she's not there
to supervise it,
she is not the only woman
in the world
who can run
a Christmas pageant.
And if they don't think
I can do it,
they are in for a big lesson.
You said all that?
Well, not all of it.
-Any of it?
-Never mind.
(CHILDREN GIGGLING)
ADULT BETH: It was the night
of the first rehearsal.
The big night for Mom to prove
she could make this work.
I was ready to help
in any way I could.
But first, as usual,
the kids were sent outside
while the parents had
prayer time together.
I think it was
less about prayer
than that they wanted
us all to get
our energy out
so we'd behave later.
But then...
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Now.
(ALL GRUNTING)
(KIDS SCREAMING)
(ALL GRUNTING)
(KIDS SCREAMING INDISTINCTLY)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
-(SNOW ba*ls THUDDING)
-(CHILDREN SCREAMING)
-Stop.
-(ALL GASP)
(MUSIC STOPS)
Hey, kids. They'll be ready
for you in a minute.
Have a good rehearsal.
(CAR DOOR OPENS)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
(CAR ENGINE STARTS)
(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
(PAGES RUSTLING)
ADULT BETH: The first
rehearsal was usually about
as much fun as a three-hour
ride on the school bus.
And just as noisy and crowded.
But after what
we'd just faced,
no one made a sound
and we just waited
quietly to see
what awful thing
the Herdmans might do next.
This is why
they shouldn't have shown up.
Didn't Reverend Hopkins talk
about when Jesus said,
"Suffer the little children
come unto me"?
Yeah, well, Jesus wouldn't
have suffered Herdmans.
-(SIGHING) Okay.
-BETH: Mom?
Do you need help
with anything?
Today, we're going to ignore
everything except blood.
I'm gonna start soon.
Now, go sit down
next to Imogene.
(WHISPERS) Mom!
(WHISPERING) Your quiet
might rub off on her.
(SIGHS)
Okay, quiet down, everyone.
Good, then.
Okay.
Welcome, everyone.
We're glad to see all of you.
ADULT BETH: That might've been
the biggest lie
ever said right out loud
in the church.
First, the easy part.
Uh, let's separate everyone
into angels
and shepherds
and guests at the inn.
Who were the shepherds?
Where'd they come from?
-What's an inn?
-ROBBY: It's like a motel
where people go
to spend the night.
What people? Jesus?
Oh, honestly!
Jesus wasn't even born yet!
Mary and Joseph went there.
-Why?
-What happened first?
-Begin at the beginning.
-The very beginning?
ADULT BETH: That really scared
everyone because the beginning
would be The Book of Genesis,
where it says
"In the beginning."
And if we started there,
we'd be here for years.
Let's start at the beginning
of the Christmas story.
(ALL GROANING)
We've all heard it
a million times.
I think it's a good idea
for all of us
to hear it again.
It's a good reminder of what
Christmas is all about.
"And Joseph also went up
from Galilee,
"out of the city of Nazareth
-"into Judea...
-(SIGHS)
"unto the city of David,
which is called Bethlehem,
"because he was of the house
and lineage of David,
"to be taxed with Mary,
his espoused wife,
"being great with child."
"Great with child"?
-Pregnant, stupid.
-Ralph, that's enough.
It's not very nice to say
that Mary was pregnant.
My mother wouldn't want us
talking about that.
ADULT BETH: It was true.
Mrs. Wendelken didn't like
cats having kittens
or birds laying eggs,
and she didn't let
Alice play with
anyone who had two rabbits.
Will ya shut up?
I wanna hear.
ADULT BETH:
I couldn't believe it.
The Herdmans were famous
for never sitting still
and never paying attention
to anyone,
teachers, parents, police.
Yet something about
the Christmas story
had them hanging on
every word.
Mary and Joseph had to go
in the stable
because there was no room
for them at the inn.
-My God!
-(CHILDREN GASP)
Not even for Jesus?
We don't use God's name
that way, Imogene.
What's a manger?
Is that like a bed
for the baby?
Why would they have
a bed in a barn?
Well, that's the point,
actually, Leroy.
They didn't have
a bed in a barn.
They had to use
whatever was there.
What would you do
if you had a new baby
and no bed to put the baby in?
We put Gladys
in a bureau drawer.
There you go.
Mary put the baby Jesus
in a stone feeding trough
for animals.
What were
the wadded up clothes?
You said she wrapped Him
in wadded-up clothes.
Swaddling clothes.
They used to wrap
their babies tightly
in a big piece of fabric
so they couldn't move around.
They tied Him up
and put Him in a box?
Where was Child Welfare?
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
GRACE: "And, lo,
the Angel of the Lord
"came upon them
"and the glory of the Lord
shone round about them."
Shazam!
Shazam?
Out of the black night
with horrible vengeance,
the Mighty Marvo!
That's the most
she's ever spoke.
It's a comic book.
Oh.
Well, then, yes.
I think the Angel of the Lord
is kind of like
a comic book hero.
-"Now...
-(GASPS)
"...when Jesus was born
in Bethlehem of Judea,
"in the days of Herod
the King, behold,
"there came Wise Men
from the east to Jerusalem."
That's you, Leroy.
Claude, Ollie, pay attention.
Wise how?
They teachers or somethin'?
No, dumbbell,
they're like presidents.
Let's not hit.
But that's close.
They were kings.
Well, it's about time.
Maybe someone'll finally tell
that innkeeper
where to get off
and get the baby
out of the barn.
"And when they were
come into the house,
"they saw the young child
with Mary, His mother,
"and fell down
and worshipped Him.
"And when they had opened
their treasures,
"they presented
unto Him gifts,
"gold, frankincense,
and myrrh."
Hold on. What's that stuff?
Oils and perfume.
Oil? What sort of cheap king
hands out oil?
You'd get better presents
at the firemen's shelter.
It was King Herod, actually.
He sent the Wise Men
to find the baby Jesus.
Was it him that sent
the crummy presents?
It was worse
than that, actually.
Herod planned on putting
the baby Jesus to death.
-My God!
-Imogene.
Who's playing this
Herod, anyway?
We don't show Herod
in our pageant.
HERDMANS: What?
(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
-HERDMAN: Come on!
-No!
You gotta show him getting
beat up in the end.
Charlie can be Herod.
-I don't wanna be Herod.
-No!
Somebody oughta get
the innkeeper too.
Gladys, use your angel powers.
GRACE: No, honey,
I don't think we...
-(GRUNTS)
-(CHILDREN SCREAMING)
All right, that's enough.
That's enough! That's enough.
(ALL SCREAMING INDISTINCTLY)
GRACE: Okay, okay.
(LAUGHS)
Please, I need you all
to settle down.
-Maybe Jesus can k*ll Herod.
-Shazam!
(CHILDREN GRUNTING)
-(CHILD LAUGHS)
-(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
-Nice painting, huh?
-I guess.
That Mary,
she was a tough one.
Tough?
Yeah. She went through
quite a lot
and overcame big challenges
to bring a child
into the world.
Hmm. Doesn't look tough.
Just looks sweet and pretty.
Yeah. In that painting,
I guess, yeah.
What do they have
the name of our town
above the painting for?
Do you know
what Emmanuel means?
No.
It means "God with us."
That's what Baby Jesus was.
And you're...
The character you
volunteered to play
helped make that happen.
Pretty neat.
I guess.
Anyways...
look, I...
You all asked a lot of
good questions tonight.
And it made me wonder...
if maybe you might enjoy
watching the Christmas pageant
more than being in it.
You know, you could really
absorb it all,
see all the details.
You know what I mean?
(ENCHANTING MUSIC PLAYING)
No. I'm gonna do this.
RALPH: I think my character
should've set fire
to that inn.
LEROY: Yeah. Maybe in
the play, you can chase
the innkeeper
to the next country.
-(CHILD LAUGHS)
-(SIGHS)
Imogene... (SIGHS)
I really need them to behave.
If you could
help me with that,
I can make sure you have
all the dessert you want
when the pageant is over.
What do you think?
(SCOFFS) Heard that before.
RALPH: Imogene, let's go!
Gotta go.
(INDISTINCT TV PROGRAM)
-Oh...
-(CHARLIE SIGHS)
-What happened to you?
-Herdmans.
Ah.
They tried to k*ll me...
again.
-(DOOR CLOSES)
-That's show business, pal.
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
(SIGHS IN EXASPERATION)
I'm at a loss.
I don't see any bruises.
That's a victory.
We didn't even rehearse.
She just told
the Christmas story.
The Herdmans had
never heard it.
Just suppose you didn't know
anything about it,
and somebody told you.
I'd be more confused about
Santa Claus. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
What would you think?
Well, the whole thing's
a hospitality nightmare.
Pretty pathetic that
a pregnant woman shows up
and the only room you can find
for her is in the stable.
That's exactly what
the Herdmans said.
I never thought about it
before. It is pathetic.
We hear all about
this warm stable
with animals
and the sweet-smelling hay.
Ugh. My cousins grew up
on a farm.
Nothing sweet
about that smell.
I have to admit, deep down,
those kids might just have
good instincts.
They wanted to burn
Herod alive, Mom.
I said, "Deep down."
They picked the right villain.
That's something, right?
What did happen to Herod?
I don't even know.
-(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
-(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Who would be
calling at this...
-Mrs. Armstrong.
-Mrs. Armstrong.
It's the fifth time this hour.
Wendelken told her that you
haven't axed the Herdmans yet.
She needs to know
what's taking so long.
(SIGHS WEARILY)
Sweetheart, the smell of this
just reminds me
that you're... you're busy.
God...
I just have a feeling this is
gonna be a real disaster.
(DOOR OPENS)
You awake, kiddo?
How you doin' with all this?
Are we sure Mom can't replace
the Herdmans?
I think
it's a little late for that.
And it's all my fault,
because I didn't raise
my stupid hand.
There was a man much
wiser than me that once said,
"You can't add
a single hour to your life
"by being anxious
about anything."
And that includes putting on
a Christmas pageant.
He hadn't met the Herdmans.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Actually...
he knows them
better than anyone.
Anyway, would you
come with me
in the morning
to do something?
What kinda something?
Sort of an errand.
I think it'd be good for you
to go. And the whole family.
Somethin' I want you to see.
Okay.
Get some sleep.
-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas.
REVEREND HOPKINS:
Evan. You got it?
BOB: Yeah, yeah.
(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
REVEREND HOPKINS:
Thanks, Bob.
BOB: Thank you.
Merry Christmas.
(BOB SIGHS)
-What's all this for?
-Wouldn't you like to know?
(HATCH CLOSES)
(CHRISTMAS MUSIC CONTINUES)
I never knew
you were a Secret Santa.
Well, it's not exactly
a secret.
The Church Charitable
Works Committee
has been doing this
for decades.
It's a good way to get out of
our comfort zone and step up.
Plus, I thought
you all would be
especially interested
in one of my stops.
I think some of your
classmates live here.
Really? This is
one of your stops?
You never told me
you visited the Herdmans.
Didn't seem of note
until this year.
Beth, you wanna come?
That would not be a good idea.
BOB: (CHUCKLES) Okay.
But we all need to remember
Christmas comes for everyone.
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
-It's the ham man!
-I want some!
It's ham day!
LEROY: Give me some ham!
Give it!
OLLIE: Ham day!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
That ham's
for Christmas eatin'
and if any of you
touch it before then,
I will invent a t*rture
just for you!
(ALL GASP)
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
-Is your mom home?
-Not when the sun's up.
-I'm sorry about that.
-It's fine.
I know how to cook.
BOB: I'm sure you do.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Well... uh, please let her
know I stopped by.
I got the biggest ham
for you guys.
Merry Christmas.
(ALL CLAMORING)
OLLIE: Give it to me!
I want the first bite!
-(HERDMANS SCREAMING)
-OLLIE: Give it to me!
Back off, Imogene!
LEROY: Get off me, Ralph!
IMOGENE: Back up! Back up!
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
-(SIGHS)
-No mom or dad home.
BOB: Reverend Hopkins says
they don't know
where their mom is
half the time.
I heard,
when Gladys turned two,
Mr. Herdman climbed
on a railroad train
and never came back.
Nobody could blame him.
All right, Beth,
that's enough.
I can't believe
I listened to those women.
BOB: What's on your mind?
(INHALES DEEPLY)
What's on my mind is that
Mrs. Armstrong
and Mrs. Wendelken
and everyone else
can stuff it.
Whoa.
After all,
they raised their hands,
and no one else did.
And that's that.
(ENCHANTING MUSIC PLAYING)
(KEYS JANGLING)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
(SIGHS)
Ow. What?
How do you get a book
out of the library?
Um... Well, you have to
have a card.
-Do you have one?
-Yeah.
Give it to me.
(SIGHS)
It doesn't really work
like that.
-(BELL DINGS)
-I'll be right with you.
Oh, my.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
I don't keep any money here,
if that's what you're after.
This is the library, right?
Where the books are?
We need the one
with Jesus in it.
And his mom.
-And the Wise Men.
-And stupid Herod.
It's the one
they use in church.
You mean the Bible?
Hi, Mrs. Graebner.
Imogene and her brothers
would like to get
library cards.
Me too!
And her sister.
Beth! Oh, phew!
-I thought that...
-Calm down, lady.
We just need
to look some stuff up.
Imogene and Ralph are playing
Mary and Joseph
in the pageant.
Oh, I'm aware.
I bought tickets.
Before I found out about it.
They haven't offered
any refunds.
And now,
you want library cards?
You?
To check out Bibles?
Now I've seen everything.
Herdmans in the library.
There's the Christmas story.
Where's the pictures?
Oye.
Some of these words are weird
but this stuff is gold.
-Ralph, go find a Herod book.
-How?
I'll show you
the card catalog.
Don't buy anything!
It's not that kind of catalog.
Beth's mom was right.
This Mary is kind of tough.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
ADULT BETH: The Herdmans
searched through
book after book,
looking up every question
that came to mind.
My fingers were sliced up
like a turkey sandwich
from all the times I went back
to the card catalog.
(O COME, ALL YE FAITHFUL
PLAYING)
O, come all ye faithful
Joyful and triumphant
(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
-Pictures.
-Pictures in lots of books.
ADULT BETH: I'd had plenty
of homework assignments
where I had to go
to the library
but I don't think I was ever
as interested in anything
as Imogene was
in the Christmas story.
Do you hear me?
The shepherds were just
minding their business,
and boom!
Yeah, I get it.
We're Wise Men, though.
We just walk up
with a box of junk.
Why are you making us
do all this?
Ollie, what's that movie
you like with the whale?
Land h*!
You think that captain guy
in Land h*!
just made up
how to build a raft?
-No way.
-IMOGENE: That's right.
He had to read up.
I thought we were doing this
for cake.
It's about the cake, too.
But it's also, like,
we get to make a movie.
In the movies we watch,
the actress gets to...
(ENCHANTING MUSIC PLAYING)
All the actors and actresses
get to be someone else.
They get to change
who they are
and live a different life.
They can get away
from their miserable lives
and become someone new.
That's what we get to do.
Yeah.
So I get to be a king.
Yeah. On Christmas Eve,
you do.
No way Gladys can be an angel.
Yes, I can!
-You can at least try.
-(SIGHS)
Great. And I just get to be
some poor guy married to you.
(ALL LAUGHING)
He's someone important enough
that they wrote about him
in books.
And I get to be
a sweet, pretty...
Then we can get
all the food they got.
Plus, now I got
a book license!
(GIGGLES)
You chokin' over there?
I should go home.
Nobody asked you to stay.
Claude likes his license.
ADULT BETH: That was about
as close to a thank you
as I'd ever get.
-(WIND BLOWING)
-(DOOR CLOSES)
Sorry I'm late.
All right, let's get into
our groups. Angels, you are...
Oh...
Okay, good.
And everyone else...
Well... thank you
for being on time.
Yes, Claude?
Can we hang Herod?
No, Claude.
No one's going to die
in this pageant.
We have a lot of work
to do tonight,
-so let's get to it.
-MRS. WENDELKEN: Excuse me.
Why are they still here?
Because they're in
the pageant, Rebecca.
And that's how
it's going to stay.
Oh, really?
And what would you
like me to tell
Mrs. Armstrong, Mrs. Slocum
and the other mothers?
You can tell them
it's going to be
the best
Christmas pageant ever.
MRS. WENDELKEN: Hmm.
I'm gonna make it work
with the Herdmans.
Places, everyone.
(CHRISTMAS IS LOVE
BY DEVON GILFILLIAN PLAYING)
Yeah
Hey, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Oh, what a beautiful way
Isn't the Angel of the Lord
supposed to say something?
-Hey!
-(GASPS)
(GASPS)
ADULT BETH: Yeah,
they were still Herdmans
and some people
were not going to
forget that for a minute.
All right
Oh, what a beautiful way
To express yourself
Knowing Christmas is love
Go. Go, go, go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Get away from the baby!
Imogene, the Wise Men
are here to honor Him
not harm Him,
for heaven's sake.
What if we didn't go home
a different way?
What if we tell the king
where the baby was?
-Old Herod would m*rder him.
-He would not!
ADULT BETH: I thought about it
later, though,
and I decided that if
Herod, a king,
set out to m*rder Jesus,
a carpenter's baby son,
and he did know where he was,
he would do it.
So, Leroy gave us something
to think about.
-Stop!
- ADULT BETH: No Jesus. Ever.
Okay. Let's just take it down
a notch, okay?
Stand up. Stand up.
I can't hear you guys
when you're all talking
at once.
ADULT BETH:
Alice clearly didn't think
anything from the Herdmans
was worth thinking about.
Is there a way
to make her smile?
CLAUDE: No,
she doesn't do that.
ADULT BETH: But at least
others seemed to be trying...
in unexpected ways.
Let us all rest in peace
And for all. ..
All w*r to cease
Okay. Places, everyone!
Yeah
Who do I talk to
about rewrites?
I heard about rewrites
in the movies.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Let the world think
and rest in peace, too
(SIGHS) Okay, God.
Now it's getting
even more scary.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
So please do something
to help Mom
and save the pageant.
That's all.
Amen.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
ADULT BETH: The last rehearsal
was also the night before
the potluck supper.
So the whole church
was full of kids and parents
and the members
of the Potluck Committee.
Which meant Mrs. Slocum had
a chance to do a little spying
to find something
to disapprove of.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
Hello, Mrs. Slocum.
Hi!
Sorry about all this.
It's... It's just, with so
much to do this time of year,
the Potluck Committee decided
to come in tonight
to get the food ready.
I hope we won't bother you.
You won't. We won't even be
near the kitchen.
You won't even know
we're here.
ADULT BETH: Mom was wrong.
Everybody knew we were there
before the evening was over.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
Okay, everybody, this will be
a dress rehearsal.
Who knows what that means?
-Costumes.
-Dress-up.
Yes, for some of you.
I don't have
any kinda costume.
Just wear your dad's bathrobe.
That's what I always do.
My dad doesn't have
a bathrobe.
Then what does he wear
around the house?
His underwear.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
All right. That's okay.
This year, because of
the anniversary,
Ladies Aid has helped
with nicer costumes.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
(ENCHANTING MUSIC PLAYING)
You can be sweet.
MRS. SLOCUM: Hello, Imogene.
Aren't you supposed to be
in costume?
I will be.
I'm playing Mary.
Oh... I couldn't tell.
You don't look like any Mary
I've seen before.
Well, gotta go prepare
the potluck dinner.
It's for 500 people.
(BELLS CHIMING)
It makes my eyes
glow in the light.
Now, the main point
of a dress rehearsal
isn't costumes.
It's about getting through
the show
without stopping. Got it?
-BOTH: Got it.
-Okay.
I'm gonna sit upstairs
in the audience.
Take it away!
BOYS: Yay!
Yes.
(SIGHS)
Big smiles.
Hang on to the railing.
That's good.
-(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
-(CHILD LAUGHING)
Oh. Good grief. Everyone,
it's showtime!
Imogene.
What's wrong?
Where's your costume?
Where's the baby?
There is no baby.
We're using a doll.
Yeah, I know.
'Cause you couldn't
get a real one 'cause of me.
-No.
- ADULT BETH: It was true.
We had lots of babies
offered in the beginning.
All the way
from Eugene Sloper,
who was a promising option...
(JINGLE BELLS THEME PLAYING)
...up to Junior Cottle,
who was almost four.
His father said
he could scrunch up.
Heard we need a baby.
I can help.
Really? That's great. Who?
They've always got
two or three babies
in carriages
at the supermarket.
I'll just take one.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Imogene,
I hope you're kidding.
You know you can't just
walk off with someone's baby.
ADULT BETH: I doubt Imogene
did know that.
She walked off
with everything else.
But when all the parents
heard about the Herdmans,
they withdrew their babies.
(SIGHS)
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
-We had hope.
-GRACE: Hello?
ADULT BETH: Bernice Toole was
fostering a three-month-old.
GRACE: No, it doesn't matter
that she's Chinese!
Thank you, Bernice!
-Yes!
-(RECORD SCRATCHES)
ADULT BETH: But then
the baby got adopted
and Bernice said
it was too soon
to ask to borrow a kid back.
-So, that was that.
-Where is it?
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
I think Beth brought it in
from the car.
Let's go check with her.
ADULT BETH: Imogene's brothers
had hidden the doll
because they didn't think it
looked like Jesus,
whatever that meant.
But after a fruitless search,
we had to start.
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL SINGING)
Away in a manger
O little town
of Bethlehem...
-No crib for a bed...
-How still we see...
Stop. Stop.
Back row... "Away in a manger"
comes first.
I've got the baby.
Finally. No thanks
to you jerks.
-Don't touch him!
-(RALPH SIGHS)
It's Baby Jesus.
Now, Imogene, you're not
supposed to say anything.
Then, Wise Men, you're
supposed to quietly leave!
This is important, everyone.
Remember what I said?
Nobody says anything
in our pageant
except for the Angel
of the Lord
and of course,
the singing choir.
Mary, Joseph,
and the others
create a lovely picture
for us to look at
while we think about Christmas
and what it means.
What does it mean?
I'm starting to forget.
Okay, let's take it
from the to...
Imogene,
you can't wear earrings
during the performance.
You know Mary
didn't wear earrings.
-I have to wear these.
-Why is that?
I got my ears pierced
and I don't want 'em
to grow together.
They're not gonna
grow together
-in an hour and a half.
-I'd better leave 'em in.
-The doctor said that?
-What doctor?
-Who pierced your ears?
-Gladys.
All right.
We'll find a smaller pair
for the pageant.
Let's take it from the top.
Okay, so...
I think I ought to tell them
what I named him.
No. Remember,
Mary doesn't name the baby.
I told you. I named him!
No. No! Joseph doesn't
name him either.
God sends an angel
to tell Mary
what his name should be.
I would've named him Bill.
-(GASPS)
-RALPH: Wait,
Gladys told Mary
what to name her baby?
No, Gladys is the angel
that comes
to the shepherds and says,
"Unto you a child is born."
Unto me! Not them. Me.
I'm the one who had the baby.
It just means that
Jesus is for the world.
Unto all of us
a child is born,
even the poor people, like...
you know,
the shepherds you're playing.
Why didn't they let Mary
name her own baby?
What'd the angel do,
just walk up and say,
"Name Him 'Jesus'"?
-Yes.
-ALICE: That's not right.
The angel says,
"His name shall be called
"Wonderful, Counselor...
"Mighty God,
Everlasting Father,
-"The Prince of Peace."
-My God!
He'd never get out
of the first grade
-if he had to write all that.
-(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
MRS. HOPKINS: I'm so sorry.
I was passing by and thought
I'd take a peek.
I'd better check on that
applesauce cake.
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
(EXHALES, CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Imogene, I told you not to
take the Lord's name in vain.
How can you be Mary
if you're offending everyone?
(SIGHS)
I think we need
to take a break.
Let's meet back here
in five minutes
and we'll start over.
I told you
it would be a disaster.
(SIGHS)
I just want you to know
I'm happy to take over
the part of Mary at any time.
That's good to know, Alice.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Imogene, can I...
I'm going to the john,
and I'm changing out
of this silly costume.
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
There she is. Need anything?
-It's kind of... all wrong.
-(DOOR CLOSES)
Like,
everything's falling apart.
I'm not sure it was really
together in the first place.
Can't we just put
Alice in as Mary?
We can't let
the Herdmans ruin this
for the church
or embarrass you.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
I think Imogene's head
is doing a number on her.
We just need to get through
this rehearsal.
We can do this.
(COUGHING) Fire!
What now?
-(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
-(ALARM RINGING)
-Why? Why?
-(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Thick smoke coming from
the bathroom!
Okay, okay, okay. Everyone,
grab each other's hands.
Grab your neighbor's
hands and...
All right, Beth,
lead the chain out.
Everyone, grab your coats.
Alice? Alice?
Beth, honey...
Everyone, come on. Come on.
Are you okay, dear?
I smelled smoke
when I walked in.
You smelled smoke
in the bathroom?
Mmm-hmm.
(GASPS) Go with your dad.
-Do we know what happened?
-Herdmans happened.
Come on. Come on, Angels.
-Imogene, are you okay?
-Yep.
FIREMAN: Step aside.
Another Herdman fire.
-I'm scared.
-I know, dear. I know, I know.
-Herdmans? In church?
-Yep. All of them.
Lord have mercy on us all.
What a train wreck.
Nothing but trouble.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(HERDMANS GRUNTING)
(TRUCK SQUEAKING)
Beth, I want you to go
and find the Herdmans, okay?
-Okay. All right.
-Okay, go grab 'em.
Imogene? Imogene?
And you saw Imogene Herdman
in the bathroom?
Mmm-hmm. She was there.
And it's well-known
those kids smoke.
So that's what happened.
Mom, I can't find
the Herdmans.
Well, they were just here,
weren't they?
I looked everywhere.
They're gone.
And then Dianna sees Imogene
standing there.
The place is filled
with smoke.
Hello? She smokes.
She started the fire.
This needs to be
the last straw.
Let's not jump
to conclusions, Rebecca.
Wouldn't that be refreshing?
Her Mary did this!
And a million
other things, Reverend.
Would you like to hear?
-What happens now, Mom?
-I honestly don't know.
Now will they call it off?
(MRS. WENDELKEN
TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
They might try.
MRS. WENDELKEN: Grace said
the Angel of the Lord
is like a comic book hero.
Is this what I think it is?
A Herdman thing?
I heard they talk about
underwear the whole time.
Excuse me. The Herdman
children don't talk about
underwear during rehearsals.
That was another boy.
Alice says they talked about
Jesus being m*rder*d.
That is in the Bible.
Well, they really
shouldn't be here.
-No.
-I agree.
When there's smoke,
there's fire.
-As in, literally.
-Okay, okay, everyone. Please.
You're the one who's been
doing all the work, not them.
If you can tell me this
will be fine, I trust you.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
I'm sorry,
I can't tell you that.
Reverend Hopkins,
we found the source.
Yes, sir?
(GASPS) My applesauce cake!
But I saw the smoke
coming from the bathroom.
That's why I called.
There was no fire
in the bathroom.
But while everyone
was out here,
the cake burned up.
REVEREND HOPKINS: Thank you,
gentlemen. Go home, everyone.
We're done here. Okay?
That is a wrap
on dress rehearsal.
Did I say that right?
"It's a wrap"?
Yeah, you said it right.
No one even says sorry?
Let's go home.
(CAR DOOR OPENS)
Oh...
Hi, sweetheart.
Hey.
(BREATH TREMBLING)
I think you're doing
a great job, Mom.
Hmm. Thanks, sweetheart.
Although I don't think
anyone else agrees with you.
Probably not.
(CHUCKLES)
I just thought
I could do it somehow.
And that it could be
the best one ever,
even with the Herdmans.
Is it still too late
to replace them?
I don't think
that'd be right, honey.
I also don't think it's right
the way those women
talk about the Herdmans.
Don't forget.
The whole point
of the story...
is that Jesus was born
for the Herdmans
as much as he was for us.
We'd be missing
the point of all of it
if I turned them away.
But what if they ruin it
for you?
They probably will.
But it's not about me.
(MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING)
You're doing a great job, Mom.
Let's see what happens
tomorrow night first.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
(BELLS CHIMING)
(ENCHANTING MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHOIR VOCALIZING)
BOB: What is it, hon?
(SNIFFLES)
Mom?
I prayed about it,
and I agree with you.
You have to stick
with the Herdmans.
(SIGHS)
Thanks, honey.
But I can't get a call through
to the Herdman house.
-BOB: Is it disconnected?
-I don't think so.
I hope they didn't hear
what people
were saying about them.
Wait. Did Imogene quit?
-I don't know.
-How could she quit?
-She can't do that to you!
-It'll be all right, Beth.
Alice knows how to play Mary.
It'll be fine.
Or, well, you know,
it'll be what
it's always been.
It can't be
what it's always been!
Beth, where are you going?
-(FOOTSTEPS RUNNING)
-Beth?
ADULT BETH: Explain this one
to me.
Before, the only way
for the pageant to work
was without the Herdmans.
Now, the only way for it
to work was with them.
Maybe my mom didn't lead
committees or run a business
or wear a power dress
while shopping
but she did the right thing
when no one else would.
So now, I had to.
And that meant facing
Imogene Herdman alone.
Hi, Gladys.
I need to talk to Imogene.
Okay, then.
What do you want?
ADULT BETH:
After all that riding,
you'd think I'd have
figured out what to say.
There were a million things
running through my head.
But when she opened the door,
all I could get out was...
Hey.
Wait!
Why'd you leave last night?
It was cold out.
They were trying to figure out
what happened.
Bunch of idiots
standin' around,
scratchin' their butts.
They figured out we did it,
then started lookin'.
No, no, they burned a cake.
Doesn't matter what happened.
They knew it was me.
They think you smoke cigars.
They just assumed...
Of course they did.
Well, were you
smoking a cigar?
Yes.
Oh.
Um... Well,
you shouldn't smoke.
-Got it. Bye.
-Wait!
-Are you gonna do the pageant?
-Nope.
-What?
-I'm not doin' it.
But I thought you wanted to be
someone else. Like in a movie.
Things changed. Bye.
-Do you mind?
-Yes. I mind. I mind a lot!
My mother stood up for you.
She fought for you.
The town practically
hates her for it.
But she did it anyway.
Because she cares about you.
What do you care?
You didn't want me
in the pageant anyway.
Right?
-Things changed.
-Really?
My mom needs you to be Mary.
(SOFT, MELANCHOLIC MUSIC
PLAYING)
Okay?
Yes, I told her
not to let you do it.
But she gave you a chance.
People are coming
from all over
and it's too late
to change all the parts
and hope it's just the same
old, boring pageant...
I can't do it!
I'll never be the girl
in the painting.
But we can't have
a painting on stage.
We need a real person.
-Alice will do it.
-Right. "Alice'll do it."
Everyone loves Mary
because she's sweet
and she's pretty.
And I'll never be...
(WIND BLOWING)
You don't think
you can be sweet
because you're so tough.
Toughest kid
in the world, right?
But if you quit the pageant,
you won't be sweet or tough.
Besides, Mary,
the real Mary, didn't care
what anyone thought of her
and did the hard thing,
even though it was scary.
You're kinda
like that, actually.
Please show up.
For my mom?
Even if it's just to make
everyone angry?
I'm sorry. I'm a Herdman.
I'm just not her.
At least our candles
will look perfect.
REVEREND HOPKINS: Well...
we're here.
You made it. Be proud of that.
Right, Beth?
We've never once run through
the whole thing.
I don't know
what's gonna happen tonight.
If the Herdmans show up,
it might be the first
Christmas pageant in history
where Joseph and the Wise Men
get in a fight
and Mary lights a stogie and
hightails it with the baby.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
-Do you mind?
-(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) No.
-Uh, break a leg.
-Thank you.
He doesn't mean it.
It's what they say
in the theater.
Mrs. Armstrong wrote about it
in her book of notes.
-(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
-GRACE: Hey, look at you.
Oh... Too tight.
You look great.
You can go backstage.
(EXHALES)
Don't think they're coming.
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
I think I need Alice.
(SIGHS)
Understood.
Alice?
You may need
to play Mary tonight.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
(EXHALES)
-All right, here we go.
-Yeah.
Shirley's wing poked me.
It's okay, sweetheart.
When she turns around,
just duck.
Okay.
Mary and Joseph are dressed
and ready to go.
That's great, Alice.
(ENCHANTING MUSIC PLAYING)
-(SWITCH CLICKS)
-(INHALES SHARPLY)
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Thank you all for coming.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
For 75 years
the pageant has been
an opportunity
to remind us who Christmas
is supposed to be about.
This year, uh,
it's turned out
a little different
than we planned.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
(CHUCKLES)
Which, I'll admit,
is a first for this pageant.
(ALL CHUCKLING)
Honestly,
so much has happened
to get us here,
that I don't quite know
what's gonna happen tonight.
But maybe
that's not a bad thing.
Because Mary and Joseph
weren't so sure either.
Thank you for coming.
And Merry Christmas.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
(BREATH TREMBLING)
-(WHISPERS) Are you okay?
-I have no idea.
-(CHUCKLES) Okay.
-(SIGHS)
(PLAYING PIANO)
(CHILDREN SINGING)
Away in a manger
No crib for a bed
The little Lord Jesus
Laid down His sweet head
The stars
in the bright sky...
What is she doing?
Looked down
where He lay...
What's wrong?
The little Lord Jesus
Asleep on the hay
(SINGING SOFTENS)
The cattle are lowing
The Baby awakes
But little Lord Jesus...
(ENCHANTING MUSIC PLAYING)
What is she wearing?
She brought something
from home.
She said if
she was going to do this,
she was gonna look like
the real Mary.
They look like refugees. Ugh.
Yeah.
They do.
In the days
of Caesar Augustus,
a decree went out that
all the world should be taxed
and Joseph went to Bethlehem
with Mary, his wife...
(CHILDREN SINGING)
O little town of Bethlehem
How still we see thee lie
Above thy deep
and dreamless sleep
The silent stars go by
Yet in thy
dark streets shineth
(ALL CHUCKLE)
The everlasting light...
Why are you burpin' the doll?
It's how I helped
Gladys when she was a baby.
Are met in thee tonight...
I never!
Burping the baby Jesus
as if He had colic.
That certainly
wasn't in the program.
Well, I like it.
You think the baby Jesus
didn't need to burp?
-He's...
-(CHUCKLING)
And in that region, there were
shepherds in the field,
keeping watch over their
flocks by night.
(PIANO PLAYING RESUMES)
(CHILDREN SINGING)
While shepherds watched
their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The Angel of the Lord
came down
And glory shone around
And an Angel of the Lord
appeared to them.
And an Angel of the Lord
appeared to them.
-Hey!
-(ALL GASP)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Unto you a child is born!
(ALL LAUGHING)
What are you waiting for?
Go see the baby!
(ALL CHUCKLING)
(PIANO PLAYING RESUMES)
BOTH: Aw.
(CHUCKLING)
Hurry up!
(CHUCKLING CONTINUES)
(SINGING) We three kings
of orient are
Bearing gifts
we traverse afar
Field and fountain
Moor and mountain...
I knew this would happen.
They don't have
the frankincense
or the myrrh or the gold.
ADULT BETH: They brought
something different
and I knew right away
where it came from.
They probably
don't even like ham.
Yes, they do. They love ham.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
My ham's in the play.
GRACE: And when
Jesus was born,
there came Wise Men from
the east to worship Him,
bringing gifts of gold
and frankincense and myrrh.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(PIANO PLAYING RESUMES)
They're supposed to leave.
They're ruining
the whole thing.
It makes perfect sense
for the Wise Men
to sit down and rest.
They came a long way.
You expect them to hand over
the ham and leave?
They didn't bring ham!
(SINGING) What Child is this
who, laid to rest
On Mary's lap,
is sleeping?
Whom angels...
(SONG FADES DOWN,
INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC FADES IN)
ADULT BETH: As for ruining
the whole thing,
it seemed to me
that the Herdmans had
improved the pageant, a lot.
Just by doing
what came naturally.
Like burping the baby,
for instance.
Or thinking a ham would make
a better present
than a lot of perfume or oil.
Usually by the time
we got to Silent Night,
I was fed up
with the whole thing,
couldn't wait
for it to be over.
But I didn't feel that way
this time.
I almost wished
for the pageant
to go on with the Herdmans
in charge,
just to see
what else they'd do.
(PIANO PLAYING RESUMES)
(CHOIR HUMMING SILENT NIGHT)
ADULT BETH: I realized
I'd never really
seen the Nativity before.
But Imogene was helping me
see it more clearly than ever.
(ALL SINGING) Silent night
Holy night
All is calm
All is bright
Round yon Virgin,
Mother and Child...
ADULT BETH: And then
it happened.
Everyone had been waiting
all this time for the Herdmans
to do something
absolutely unexpected.
And sure enough...
Look.
She's crying.
Mary is crying.
ADULT BETH: In that moment...
Imogene Herdman experienced
the real Christmas story
for the very first time.
(ENCHANTING MUSIC PLAYING)
And so we did, too.
(ENCHANTING MUSIC
CONTINUES PLAYING)
(SINGING)
Lord at thy birth
ADULT BETH: Well...
it was the best
Christmas pageant ever.
(ALL APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
Take a bow.
Bow. They're clapping for you.
(CHEERING INCREASES)
(INAUDIBLE)
(EXHALES)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(LAUGHS)
(BELLS CHIMING)
ADULT BETH: Everyone agreed
it was the best ever
but nobody seemed to know
why exactly.
One thing I did know,
because of my mom
and her understanding
of the Christmas story,
the Herdmans finally got
what they needed most
all along.
A community.
But they gave us something
we needed all along, too.
For years, I thought about
the wonder of Christmas
and the mystery
of Jesus's birth
and never really
understood it.
But now, it didn't seem
so mysterious after all.
When Imogene asked me
what the pageant was about,
I told her it was about Jesus.
But that was just part of it.
It was about a new baby
and His dirt-poor
mother and father
who were in a lot of trouble.
No money, no place to go,
no doctor,
nobody they knew, no respect.
But they were the ones
God chose
to help change the world.
As for Imogene,
Christmas seemed to come
over her all at once.
(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)
(SIGHS) Thanks for
coming back.
You made me.
I don't think so.
Here's your ham. Great prop.
It wasn't a prop.
It was a gift from the boys.
(VOICE SHAKING) And...
I have something else.
I figured it was time
to return this.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Thanks.
So, now that
the pageant is over,
you probably don't plan on
coming here again.
But maybe you could
come next week?
As long as there's snacks.
It's exactly right.
Right?
What's that?
The painting.
BOY: What did she mean
"exactly right"?
ADULT BETH: I don't know.
I think Imogene liked the idea
of the Mary in the painting.
All pure-looking.
As if she never did
anything else
except have Jesus
on Christmas Eve.
Imogene once told me,
(SCOFFS) "I'm not her."
(CHUCKLES)
But to me...
Mary will always look like
Imogene Herdman.
That's why...
we still use this blanket
even after all these years.
(SIGHS)
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
So, everyone,
now that you know why
the pageant is
so important to us...
I don't know, would anybody
like to play a part?
(GASPS) Wow,
-that is so many hands!
-(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
Thankfully, we have
a lot of parts
and there are no small parts.
Okay, so, um, parents,
if you wanna,
take everybody down
to the sanctuary,
we'll get everybody sorted.
We'll assign you roles
and we will have
our very first rehearsal.
Okay, get out of here.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
(SOFT, ENCHANTING
MUSIC PLAYING)
GIRL: Can I try those?
Uh, hmm... (CLICKS TONGUE)
Well, those were
Gladys' wings.
She won't let
anyone else wear them.
But if you run on downstairs,
we'll find you
a whole new set.
"Hey. Unto you
a child is born."
(SWEEPING MUSIC PLAYING)
(GO, TELL IT ON THE MOUNTAIN
BY BLAKE SHELTON PLAYING)
Go tell it on the mountain
Over the hills
and everywhere
Go tell it on the mountain
That Jesus Christ is born
Down in the lowly manger
Our humble Christ was born
And God sent us salvation
That blessed
Christmas morn
And I said go
tell it on the mountain
Over the hills
and everywhere
Go tell it on the mountain
That Jesus Christ is born
While shepherds
kept their watch
O'er silent flocks
by night
Behold throughout
the heavens
There shone a holy light
And I said go
tell it on the mountain
Over the hills
and everywhere
Go tell it on the mountain
That Jesus Christ is born
Now y'all listen to me
-Go...
-CHORUS: Go...
...tell it on the mountain
On the mountain
Over the hills
and everywhere
-Go...
-CHORUS: Go...
...tell it on the mountain
That Jesus Christ is born
Go tell it on the mountain
Over the hills
and everywhere
Go tell it on the mountain
That Jesus Christ is born
Whoo!
Go tell it on the mountain
(SONG ENDS)
(O COME, ALL YE FAITHFUL
PLAYING)
O come, all ye faithful
Joyful and triumphant
Oh come ye, O come ye
To Bethlehem
Come and behold him
Born the King of angels
O come, let us adore him
O come, let us adore him
O come, let us adore him
Christ The Lord
Sing choirs of angels
Sing in exultation
O Sing all ye citizens
Of heaven above
Glory to God
Glory in the highest
O come, let us adore him
O come, let us adore him
O come, let us adore him
Christ The Lord
Come and behold him
Born the King of angels
O come, let us adore him
O come, let us adore him
O come, let us adore him
Christ The Lord
Oh, Christ...
The Lord
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Best Christmas Pageant Ever, The (2024)
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