01x01 - The Collywobbles

[bunniefuu]

[reporter] The battalion,
calling themselves

the Sons of Themyscira,

violently crossed the border
into Pokolistan.

The Sons are said to be working
at the behest

of the rogue Amazonian
and reputed sorceress, Circe.

Circe claims to be
the rightful heir to the throne

of the perhaps mythical,
perhaps real,

all-female island nation
of Themyscira.

Inside sources claim
Circe has promised the Sons

that once the downfall
of Pokolistan is achieved,

she will lead them
to conquer Themyscira.

I mean, seriously, Themyscira
is the sickest place ever.

And then you tell me,

"Oh, dude, only women
can live there"?

[chuckles] What?
They're so sexist, bro.

Word is they have
the most incredible waterfalls.

I have this question

for all the woke feminists
out there,

why do only girls get
such cool waterfalls?

All over the world,

our rights as men
are being denigrated.

- [switches off TV]
- What a bunch of clowns.

Dangerous clowns.

Pokolistan
is a friend of the US.

Countries don't have friends

After your decades
in the military, General Flag,

I think you'd understand
that true friendship

is built on petroleum deposits.

Especially unmined ones
in a backward-a*s country

that's never taken advantage
of their natural resources.

Princess Ilana Rostovic,

the heir apparent
to Pokolistan,

is already negotiating
with the US for that oil.

And if she's overthrown

by some nutjob
in a witch's hat,

all bets are off.

We need to help Rostovic.

I thought Congress put a stop
to all Task Force X activities

since your daughter outed you.

[Waller] Technically,
Congress said

A.R.G.U.S. can't use
incarcerated human beings

as mission operatives
any longer.

But what about beings
that aren't human?

[door unlocks]

Huh?

What in the holy hell?

[Waller] This is
the Belle Reve

Non-Human Internment Division.

For over 50 years,

only those
at the uppermost levels

of security clearance
are aware of its existence.

By using these prisoners,

I think
we can arguably circumvent

our new restrictions.

Arguably? How?

Congress said we can't use
human prisoners.

These assholes aren't human.

She's not human?

[Waller] Is a corpse human?

[sighs]

- Who is she?
- We don't know.

We call her The Bride.

Who's Jason and the Argonauts?

[Waller] A sociopath

who calls himself
Dr. Phosphorus.

He has irradiated skin
he can use

to burn through people
and objects.

Well, how does that radiation
affect the people around him?

If you don't sleep
in the same room with him,

the effects should be minimal.

- Minimal?
- Consider it a free vasectomy.

[choking]

[Flag] What is that thing?

[Waller] The Weasel.

It's one of the few soldiers
still alive

from Project Starfish
in Corto Maltese.

So we know it has
what it takes to survive.

Sorry.

I didn't mean
to intimate anything

about your son, Flag.

When he died in Corto Maltese,
he died a hero.

That one looks like
a discontinued dishwasher.

[Waller] That dishwasher
k*lled over 300 Nazis

in World w*r II.

I would have dismantled it,

but I thought
it might come in use someday.

It's known as G.I. Robot.

Last one is Nina Mazursky.

What use is she
walking around in a fishbowl?

Get her in water
it's a different story.

She's the smartest

and most reasonable
of the bunch.

She might be able to help you
keep the rest of them in line.

[alarm blaring]

- [screams]
- [snarls]

[growls]

[all groaning]

[all thud]

This is your new
task force, Flag.

Let's call it Task Force M.

M for monster.

Also known as...

[theme music playing]

There's an Osprey waiting

to take you directly
to the castle

to protect Princess Rostovic
from Circe and her forces.

[door opens and closes]

I know you all
aren't exactly enthusiastic

about this mission.

- But...
- [groans]

General, I believe
you've read us wrong.

We're delighted to be here

and delighted
to serve our country.

Okay. Uh, great.

- Are you smiling?
- Yes.

- Sarcastically?
- Mmm-hmm.

[chitters]

G.I. Robot is detecting unease.

Could he be, G.I. Robot asks,

in fear of being discovered
as n*zi scum?

No. Put your arm...
Your g*n down.

He's not a n*zi.

Child k*ller, though.
Not a great look.

Supposedly, he had
a bad experience

the last trip he took
on this Osprey, that's all.

Are we in g*dd*mn Pokolistan?

You've been here before?

[groans] f*cking hell.

["My Gypsy Auto Pilot"
playing]

♪ I came back
To my hometown incognito ♪

♪ To forget about it all ♪

- ♪ Suddenly I heard
- [chorus] ♪ Hey there papito ♪

♪ You don't ever give a call ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Remember we used to
Skip school together ♪

♪ Said to me drunk girl
Police man... ♪

Looks like the Princess
has imported security.

♪ I've been skipping school
Since then, yeah... ♪

[Weasel grunting]

Calm down.
We'll be there soon.

Oh, my God, is he pissing?

He's pissing!

You son of a b*tch!

Gah! It's on my leg!

Look at the satisfied look
on his face.

No one thought
to take him out for a walk

after a long trip?

You better not be looking
at me right now.

♪ And the key
To my gypsy auto pilot ♪

♪ And my story to tell, hey! ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ And we laugh ♪

♪ And we cry ♪

♪ And then we said
"Okay, What's next?" ♪

♪ But to uncover
Rules of life ♪

♪ And how to break them well ♪

♪ And the key to your gonzo
Turbo gypsy auto pilot ♪

♪ And your story to tell ♪

♪ Story to tell ♪

Looks like the gene pool
was above ground

and inflatable,
if you know what I mean.

[chuckles] Yeah.

I wonder what this princess
is going to look like...

Oh.

[scoffs]

[Ilana] Richard Bill Flag, Sr.

So wonderful
to be meeting you.

Yes, you too.

- Your middle name is Bill?
- Yes.

- Not, like, William?
- No.

- Whose middle name is Bill?
- Mine! Okay?

Princess Rostovic,

it's an honor.

This is not the kind of bow

we do in Pokolistan,
Mr. Richard Flag.

So, unfortunately,

- we have to k*ll you.
- What?

- Alexi.
- I am sorry.

We must only do sacred,
customary bow in this castle.

Everyone, m*rder this man.

What? Hold on a minute.

No one briefed me
on what kind of bow...

[laughs]

[all laughing]

Alexi. [chuckles]

They're... How do you say it?

Messing on you?

I am making joke! [laughs]

For a minute, I think

you're going to make mess
in your pants, huh?

[laughs]

I was never gonna...

Very close
to messing his plans.

I wasn't even in the vicinity
of doing that.

We are so much
like Americans, yes?

Ooh, we pull pranks
like Jamie Kennedy Experiment.

We do the Super Bowl shovel!

We like to say "Wazzup?"

Well, you're certainly current

with your popular
cultural references.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Sarcastic smile.

Now, I have question
for you, Skeleton.

Where's the beef?

[laughs]

Clara Peller,
one of the greats...

Enough, Alexi.

We've prepared
a banquet for you,

our honored guests.

[Weasel chitters softly]

[Weasel chomping]

They've been living
on prison grub

for quite some time.

Forgive their manners,
Your Highness.

Just Ilana's fine.

We don't stand
on ceremony here.

Oh, okay.

Then... Sure.

You've sampled
this prison grub?

[chuckles] Just seeing it
is enough

to give me the collywobbles,
Your High...

Ilana.

[laughs] Their manners
do not bother me.

I love seeing friends
enjoying themselves.

[woman groaning]

[Ilana] That is the Queen.

Poor, sweet mother.

She has not been self
for some long time now.

- [groans]
- Yes, Mother. Of course.

She says she's pleased
you're here.

Oh.

You see why I'm taking care
of Pokolistan's affairs?

Even though it won't
quite be official until...

You know.

[Queen groans]

You're welcome, Mother.

I love you, too.

- G.I. Robot?
- Yes, Miss Nina.

Would you like
anything? Diesel?

Some diesel fuel, please,
for our robot friend.

Yes, madam.
Right away, madam.

[Ilana chuckles]

Mmm. It is
a beautiful evening, isn't it?

I do not enjoy landscapes
devoid of dead Nazis,

- Miss Nina.
- Oh.

Can Miss Nina and G.I. Robot
be k*lling Nazis soon?

Miss Waller promised
it would be soon.

It's been oh so long
since G.I. Robot

has sent Nazis
back to hell where they belong.

I think you will be, soon.

G.I. Robot would like
to k*ll Nazis with you.

Would you like to k*ll Nazis
with G.I. Robot?

If I k*lled Nazis with anyone,
it would certainly be you,

G.I. Robot.

Oh, my.

G.I. Robot has been waiting

for a friend
to k*ll Nazis with

for 74 years, 23 days
and 52 minutes.

I hope we aren't
too much of an intrusion.

Our only goal here
is to keep you safe, Ilana.

I'm happy to have the company.

Even that one?

[laughs]

Why was he in prison?

Uh, supposedly m*rder*d

- twenty-seven children.
- Oh.

He hasn't shown

any violent tendencies
since then,

so I wouldn't fret.

I also wouldn't invite
the school choir

to the castle while he's here.

[laughs]

Oh, no,
I like American music.

Rock and roll!

[both laughing]

But, yes, I am happy
for the company,

especially the company
of Americans.

My country is a charming one,
but it is backwards,

always rejecting progress
as corrupt.

It is my most cherished dream

to lead my people
into the 21st century.

Well, I've been there.

I'm not sure I'd recommend it.

Are you married,
Richard Flag?

No. No.

I was once, but my wife
ended up being

my least favorite aspect
of that 21st century

you're all gung h* about.

I will avoid that part
of the 21st century then.

[chuckles]
Well, sometimes,

missteps lead you
where you need to be.

She and I had a son
when we were just 18.

Fine young man.

I joined the military
mostly just to make money

so I could support him.

Eighteen years later,
he joined the military

because he loved our country

and he wanted
to make it a better place.

Yeah. Boy was an improvement
on me in every way.

Was?

He passed on
about two years back.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

I would have liked
to introduce

the two of you. [chuckles]

I have a feeling you would have
gotten on like a house on fire.

[chuckles] A house on fire
does not seem good.

No, it's...

It's supposed to be
a good thing.

I'm sure your son
was a fine man,

but I'm much more fond
of older men.

I'd like to show you something.

This armoire is beautiful, no?

Um, sure.

It is over 500 years old.

What is it you wanted
to show me, Ilana?

[chuckles]

Just this wonderful armoire.

That's not an armoire.

- Listen, Ilana...
- Yes?

I just... I don't think
this is exactly ethical.

I'm here to protect you.

[Ilana] To protect me
from loneliness?

No, I...

From lack of passion?

No, I...

From Pokolistani men
who have never seen the world,

have no clue
how to treat a woman,

and who can't see me
as a human being I am

behind the veil of royalty?

Closer, but still no.

Look, I think we need
to get some shut-eye

so we can put a cogent plan
in place in the morning.

[sighs]

I'll leave G.I. Robot
to guard the door.

Richard.

- [G.I. Robot] In June 1944...
- [snoring]

...38 dead Nazis.

In September of 1944,

I fought at the Battle
of Huertgen Forest.

A whopping 92 dead Nazis.

In October of 1944,
at the Battle of Aachen,

I ended the lives
of 14 Nazis...

[window creaks]

Bride?

- Bride.
- How did you get down here?

I walked down the stairs.

No one tried to stop you?

We're here to protect them.

- Why would they stop me?
- [grumbles]

Hey, you can't leave.

[Bride] Why not?

Well, Flag will use
the remote to shock you,

and then we all get shocked.

Seems like a flaw
in the system to me

to get shocked even when
I didn't do anything wrong.

That was the worst
feeling ever.

Grow a pair, Fish.

A pair of what?
Wait, where are you going?

- [Bride] Open the door.
- [Nina] Oh, my God.

[guard] I do not have you
in the schedule.

He doesn't have us
in the schedule.

I don't need a schedule,
Sir, d*uche A Lot.

I'm not your prisoner,
so open the freaking door.

[hesitates]

[Nina] Bride, please,
come on, stay.

Oh, darn it!

- Do you have any money?
- [Nina whimpers]

- Pardon?
- [Bride] Money.

Cough up some cash.

I don't have
any freaking rubles on me.

How am I supposed
to get around?

Our money is not called ruble.

Yeah, I know.
It was meant to be insulting.

Just give me some cash.

Hey!

Thank you.
She means to say thank you.

[Bride] No, I don't mean
anything of the sort!

[Nina] You asked him for money,
and he just gave it to you.

- That's right.
- [Nina] It was rude.

Yeah, that's right.

[Nina] We shouldn't leave.

Look, no one
is forcing you to come.

[speaking other language]

...Frankenstein.

[speaking other language]

[in English] Never mind
what's on her head.

Just go to the address
I told you

[man coughing]

[snoring]

[drawer opens]

Ah-ha.

[laughs]

[footsteps approaching]

Uh...

- Hey.
- [Flag grunts]

[grunts]

[laughs wickedly]

[man singing in other language]

[gasps]

Oh! f*ck me!

[screams]

[laughs wickedly]

[floorboard cracks]

Huh.

[all screaming]

[man singing in other language]

[winces]

[Dr. Phosphorous
laughs wickedly]

[groans]

- No, please, no!
- Richard?

Phosphorus, you idiot!

You think Waller
would give me the only remote?

You'd be hopping around

like a Mexican jumping bean
for days, if you escaped.

Or, If I told her about this...

I'm not here to t*rture you.

We're supposed to be
on the same damn team.

[Nina] Thank you.

[Nina gasps]

What is this place?

Where I was born.

- [phone dialing]
- [line ringing]

[women giggling]

[cell phone buzzing]

Yes.

[speaking other language]

[speaking other language]

[woman speaking]

[in English] My bride.

After all these years,

I've found you.

[closing theme music playing]

[man singing in other language]