01x06 - The Two Men

[bunniefuu]

Hello there, sir.

Umm What I'd really
like you to do is take a look

at this little baby.

This little baby is
an incredible piece

of state-of-the-art video
merchandise, and

you can keep it in your pocket
because it's pocket size.

It goes into one's pocket like,
not that pocket,

but this pocket.

Did you see that?

Did you see what happened then?

It went into his pocket
because it's pocket-sized.

In...

Out.

In, out.
In, out.

In, out.
In, out.

In. Out.

What am I doing?

What am I doing?

What am I doing?

I'm walking around with it
in my pocket, and I can do that

because it's pocket-sized.

It..

Is a pocket-sized.

It's pocket-sized.

It's It's pocket-sized.

It's pocket-sized.

It's pocket-size

It's the size of a pocket.

Mega screen TV, madam.

An excellent purchase,
may I say.

Now, service is what
we're all about here

at Electroland, so my partner
and I will carry it out to

the car for you if you wish.

All right, madam,
where's the car?

- Oh, it's on the top floor.
- Oh, that's okay.

We'll just take the-

stairs.

[grunting]

[groaning]

What are ya?

Fight, you little

[bang]

[crash]

[footsteps]

[door slams]

[opening music]

♪ I got a feeling ♪

♪ got a bit of an inkling ♪

♪ this is going to be
one of those days ♪

♪ This is a show all about me.
- And me ♪

♪ And all the things I do
and all the things I see ♪

♪ - and also what I see ♪

♪ I got the feeling,
got a bit of an inkling ♪

♪ as long as we're together.
It'll be okay ♪

[upbeat music]

[moody trumpet sound]

Hah!

Hah!

Hah!

[bang]

What's the matter
with you, Colin?

You've been moping
around the house for hours.

Well, when are we ever going to
keep
a job for more than one day?

It's not the end of the world.

I think we should just put all
our problems behind us.

[tea kettle whistle]

We should move on.

Why don't we go out tonight
and have a good time?

Maybe we should go down the pub.

We might even meet some girls.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, ye...

Right, I dislocated my jaw

Give it a sec..

[grunts]

[snap, click]

That's better.

I really think we should go out.

[groans]

It's worth a try.

- I don't think so.
- Give it a chance.

- There's no way.
- Come on, Cole.

- I'm not sure.
- It could just work.

- Do you really think so?
- You never know.

- But I just don't.
- You're coming round.

- I think I am.
- That's the way.

- Let's give it a try.
- I'm with you.

So am I

- Come on, let's go.
- Better get ready.

Good idea.

- I'm hitting the shower.
- I am, too.

No, you're not.

I'd like to shower alone.
I mean, I like you.

I like you a lot.

We're going to go out tonight.

It's going to be great,
but I'd rather shower by myself

if that's all the same to you.
Okay.

[spurts]

[screams]

[clang]

Hey.

What are you doing with that?

I found it in my pocket.

I must have left it there when
I was showing that customer.

But that's theft.

What will the boss say?

What's he going to do?

Fire us again?

I'll take it back tomorrow.

I thought we could
make a little home movie.

Get that camera
off my nudie bits.

Get out of here.

There's a small lucrative market
for films like this, Cole,

but I have to get a good view.

Hang on.
Don't move.

I'll sh**t you from here.

I'll k*ll you.

I swear I'll k*ll you.

Put that thing down
or you'll regret it.

Go into the other room.
Go.

Move.

[guitar riff]

[clacks]

You got some chalk on your face.

Is it gone?

Ah, no.

You.

Is it gone?

Ah, not re...

Is it gone?

No

It's gone now?

Yeah, all gone.

Oh, oh, oh, ow!

Burnies, burnies,
pool cue, burnies.

You know, Frank, I think
we're just kidding ourselves.

We're not going to I
don't meet any girls.

- It's not going to happen.
- You're right.

It's hopeless.

Us and girls just
don't seem to mix.

As much as we'd like
to believe it, it's a fantasy.

Hi, fellows.

Excuse me, I'm talking
to my friend here.

I don't think there's any way
in the world that we-

- I just thought that you might
like to play doubles.

Rude.

[scoffs]

Now, there's no way in the world
that we're going to...

[thuds]

Well, why don't I put some music

on to create the right

atmosphere?

How about some jazz?

[upbeat jazz version
of Oh Danny Boy]

Yeah, not that sort of jazz.

Right, okay.

All right.

How about a bit of this then?

[chuckles]

[smooth jazz]

Yeah.

[humming]

♪ Didily Skadi-yadi ♪

♪ Bazuki ♪

♪ balala, a bolokul da, Ay ♪

♪ Didily skad ♪

♪ Didily woo, woo, yeah ♪

How about I get us all a bit of
a drink?! Eh!

Right.

Don't go away.

I'll be back in two shakes
of a lamb's tail.

Baaa

There's a step there.

Lived
even nine years, you'd think

I'd remember it was there.

[chuckles]

Bam.

[thud]

Hey, why don't I show you
the video I made of Colin?

- It's all set up.
- No, don't show that video.

Don't show it.

Maybe I can make
a film of you guys.

No, don't-

video us.

[guitar strum]

All right, ladies.

Sorry, water is all we've got.

There you go.

There you go.

There you go.

Tap

[taps drink]

cheers.

[spits]

Frank.

Frank, can I have a word
with you in the kitchen

for a minute, please?

Frank.

Frank, do you realize
what's going on here?

This is the chance
of a lifetime.

Don't stuff it up.

We've got to really
impress the girls.

What can we do
to really impress them?

What can we do? What can we do?

I know.

I could do my old
man impersonation.

Oh! What's that?

No, they'll love this.

All I need is some
spring onions.

Hold on.
Here we go.

You know how when men get older,
the hair in their nose

and their ears keeps growing?

Well, this is what I'm going
to look like when I'm old.

I don't think that's such
a good idea, Frank.

Come on.

We've got to work out
which girl goes with which boy.

Do you like one of
the girls in particular?

- Yep.
- Which one?

The dark one.

No, the blonde one.

I like them both in particular.

I just can't believe this
is working out so beautifully.

Guys, guys, come quick.

We just saw a man rob
the house across the road.

Yeah, it was incredible.

He just smashed the glass door
to get out and then

ran off down the street.

Yeah, but before he ran away,
he took his balaclava off.

We got a really great
look at his face.

- He had long, red, curly hair.
- Right.

And like a handlebar, moustache.

And a scar down
the side of his face.

That's right.

What's the phone number
of the police station?

So we can tell the cops.

I think the cops would
know their own phone number.

Dial zero, zero, zero.

Damn, this phone's
only got buttons.

Give us that.

You call the cops and
you tell them what you saw.

No, look, we can't do that.

There's something that
we I need to tell you.

We're both married.

Sorry.

[thuds]

So that is why you didn't
want to be videoed

Yeah.

Not only are we married,
but our husbands

can be very jealous.

Violently jealous.

I don't think they'd be
very happy if they found out

we were here with two men.

Two men?

What two men?

Where are the two men?

You're the two men.

We're the two men.

[chuckles]

That's right, and-

if they found out, well,
they k*lled the lot of us.

They'd k*ll all of us?

They'd k*lled us, and you
girls, and the two men.

Wow.

That's six people dead.

We're the two men.

Look, I know.

It's really quite simple.

Why don't you ring
the police and tell them

that you saw the robbery?

You can give a description
of the thief.

Okay.

All right.
Thanks a lot, officer.

Okay, see you.

Well

apparently, he's a really
well-known criminal, and with

such a perfect description, it
couldn't be with someone else,

so it's really straightforward.

Well, you know, this has been
really quite upsetting.

I think we should go.

Go?

Go?

Yeah

me too.

You really don't have to go.

Hey, why don't you
give us your phone number

and we'll give you a call?

You can come out, you
know, another time.

I don't think so.

You know, we can
play some more...

[door closes]

Jazz

[music]

Hey!

[grunting]

Ah!

[whistling]

[whistling continues]

[taps]

It's so dull and boring
around here now.

It was so much more fun.

It was so much more exciting
when everyone was here

us and the girls
and the two men.

It was like a party.

We're the two men.

We're the two men.

[laughs]

Don't.

[laughs]

It's too late to...

[laughs]

The girls are gone.

Now we're just back
to our boring normal selves.

So no more.

[laughs]

-ing.

All right?

[tap]

[door knock]

Hello, officers.

Good morning.

I am Sergeant Pierce.

This is Constable Abernathy, and
we need to talk to you.

Are you the person who
reported the robbery

across the road last night?
-Ah, yes. Yes, I am.

All right, well,
that's very interesting.

Take a look around, Constable.

You see, the description
you gave was an absolutely

perfect match for
a very well-known Petty Crim.

So things seemed open and shut.

Unfortunately, he has
an absolutely air-tight alibi.

In fact, he was streaking at the
cricket on live television at

about the time of the robbery.

He showed his nudie bits?

That's right.

And it was witnessed
by millions of people.

He was arrested
and then released about

a half an hour later.

Would have been impossible
for him to have been here

at the time you said.

But I don't understand.

Let me tell you what I think.

I think you two guys are trying
to set up that poor bugger.

You knew that everyone
would assume that someone with

- a record like his was guilty.

- But...

- Sarge.
Found this behind the bar.

What are we here?

A maroon tracksuit,

a torch,

and a black Balaclava.

These look familiar,
don't they, constable?

Yes, Sergeant, it's exactly what
the culprit was wearing when

he was captured on the security
video of the burgled house.

My god, we've been set up.

You've been set up.

You must be kidding.

Constable?

So that's why they didn't
want to be videoed.

- Don't move.
- I'll sh**t you from here.

I'll k*ll you.

I swear I'll k*ll you.

Put that thing down.

Or you'll regret it.

Go into the other room.

Go.

Move.

Frank, quick.

Let's get out the window
and climb down the fire escape.

Come on, quick.

[window slams]

We haven't got a fire escape.

Ah.

[music]

Frank, in here, quick.

[police sirens]

Cole, I was thinking, is it

too late to change places?

[car door closes]

[car alarm beep]

Frank, it was incredible.

I just saw the guy
with the red curly hair

and the scarred face.

I don't know where we are,
and I don't know what's going

on, but I saw the guy.

[snoring]

Frank?

[snoring]

Frank.
Frank

Were you asleep?

I'm sorry, I always
nod off in moving vehicles.

Let's look in the window and
see if we can see the two men.

We're the two men.

We're not the two men.

We're not the two men.

We were the two men,
but now we're not the two men.

We are two men, but we're not
the two men

We're not the two men

[psst]

[psst]

[psst]

[psst]

[psst]

[psst]

PIIISSST

[psst]

[silently mouthing]

I got it out of my pocket.

I could do that

because it's a
pocket sized camera

with this, we'll be able
to clear our names.

All done?

All done!

Shh.. Let's go.

[car alarm]

[crash]

[car horn]

You stupid bloody idiots.

Look what you've done.

You stupid bloody idiot.

- What did you stop like that
for?
- It was those guys.

Look at this.

Yeah, it was that for,
all right?

I will clean you out.
I will sue the pants off you.

- It was those guys?
- I have a panel beater

and I am calling the police.

You stupid bloody idiot.
They must have followed you.

I think the skinny one
had his video camera.

You more stay here.

We'll handle it.

They're coming.

The girls, the blonde
one and the dark one

which one do you like better?

Look, there's a car park.
Let's hide in there.

I'm going to regret
meeting those girls

- until the day I die.
- If you live that long.

Oh, that sounded funny
because of course, I'm going

to live until the day I die.
How could I...

Shut up.

I think they went
down there somewhere.

Hang on there, they are there.

[tire screeching]

Umm, Cole, we can't park here.
We're not allowed.

It's a personal car space.

It's only for A. Barreta

we're running for
our lives, you idiot.

We're allowed to do
whatever we want.

But you can get
quite a substantial fine

for parking illegally.

It's not even our car.

It's a stolen car, you dickwit.

[groans in frustration]

[car skids]

Sometimes, they even
clamp your tires.

That happened to me once.

Well, not me, but it
did happen to my sister.

A friend of mine, Russell
had his car towed away once.

Why would you just shut up about
the car space thing, all right?

Come on, people.

This doesn't have to get ugly.

Just hand over the video
and we can all go home.

The video camera's
in pocket, and that's

where it's going to stay.

It fits in my pocket
because it's pocket-sized.

It just so happens that
this is also pocket-sized.

Get back.

Get back.

Be careful there

We wouldn't want
you cute boys to get hurt.

Are you just saying we're cute
so you can get the video back?

Of course not.

I don't know whether
to believe her or not.

Will you give us
the video or won't you?

No.

Just about enough of this.

What are you...

I don't care what anyone says.

I reckon we are the two men.

Left ball

Corner pocket

I win.

Right.

[clack]

[laughing]

I wouldn't describe
myself as a hero you know.

I'll leave it up to the media.

By our local hero.

Well, Frank, this is us.

Now we've got some of
the sensational home video

footage of the thieves
dividing up their loot.

I thought we could
make a little home movie.

Get that camera
off my nudie bits.

Get out of here.

[outro music]