02x02 - The Pool

[bunniefuu]

Frank, come over here.

Have a look at this.

It's the Penguin Man costume.

You know from
the Penguin muffler ads on TV?

I love Penguin Man.

What an honor to be entrusted
with the cleaning of

Penguin Man's costume.
I love him.

He's brilliant.

I love that little
waddle he does.

Penguin Man's crap.

You take that back.

You take that back you bast...

[bang]

Let go!

[steam hiss]

[hiss]

♪ I got the feeling ♪

♪ got a bit of an inkling ♪

♪ this is going to be
one of those days ♪

♪ this is a show about me ♪

♪ and me ♪

♪ And all the things
I do and all the things I see ♪

and also what I see.

♪ I got the feeling,
got a bit of an inkling ♪

♪ as long as we're together ♪

♪ it'll be okay ♪

[humming song]

[taps]

Why don't we swap?

You wash and I'll dry.

[crash]

No, thanks.
No.

I prefer not to get too close
to the sink if you don't mind.

Why?

I'm afraid of water.

I can't swim.

Don't be ridiculous, Frank.
Come here.

- It'll be fine.
- Are you sure?

Yes.

[clanks]

[inaudible cries]

[splash]

[whistle]

No running by the pool.

Okay, welcome to the beginner
swimming class, everyone.

Has anybody here
done any swimming before?

Yes.

[splashing]

Oh, I
can't wait to do it again

Cole, Cole, did you see?

I was in then and ah Cole, I..

[pants]

[screams]

[laughs]

[giggles]

I went and I swam,

and there was an...

[gibberish]

[screams]

Come here,
you little ragamuffin.

Look, your shorts are all
crooked, and look at your cap.

That's all skewy.

Let me straighten
your goggles for you.

Here you go.

[snaps]

[screams]

Come on, Frank.

Show me what you've learned.

[splashing]

Come on, Frank.

You can do it.

Come on, mate.

You can do it.
That's it, Frank.

Do it for me.
Make me proud.

That's good.

Do it, Frank.
Come on.

swimming's fun, isn't it?

Don't get down in the dumps.

- It's just a little further.
- All right.

Oh, my God.

[splash]

[upbeat music]

Is he all right?

I'm a friend of his.

Is there anything I can do?

You just stand right back.
I need some room here.

Everybody stand
right back, please.

Okay, get right back, please.
Give him some room, please.

Stand right back.

Madam, please get right back.

Get right back, please.
You, you, come here.

Get right back.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, please.

[coughing]

Okay, come on, ladies
and gentlemen, stand right

Come on, right back, please.

Come on, right back.

Come on, ladies and gentlemen,
please stand right back.

Come on, I'm serious now.

Get right back, please.
He's a friend of mine.

I'll look after him.

Please get right back, ladies
and gentlemen, right back.

He's a friend of mine.
I'll look after him.

Get right back.

I know my instructions
aren't clear.

They're a little blurry?
Get right back.

Please stay right back.

Please get right
back from the car.

Just get right back.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please get right back.
It's my friend.

he's in a bit of strife

please get right back,
ladies and gentlemen.

What are you writing?

I'm writing in my diary

all about my new girlfriend.

Frank, she was giving you mouth

- to mouth to save your life.
- Rubbish.

She was kissing me.

You're a noodle nut.

She's wonderful, Colin.

She's wonderful.

We have a love that is timeless.

We go together like
Romeo and Juliet, Samson

and Delilah, Shaggy and Scooby.

Happy anniversary, darling.

Ten years, Eric.

Happy anniversary.

Can I take your order?

Yeah.

Hey.

I know you, don't I?

I'm Garth DeLancey.

Garth DeLancey.

No, that doesn't ring a bell.

- The swimmer.
- Swimmer.

I won a gold medal
at the Moscow Olympics.

Really?

But no.

You are Penguin Man

from the telly.

You're Penguin Man.

Oh, God.

Yeah, well, I do
some promotional work

for Penguin Mufflers.

Wow, Penguin Man.

Hey, everyone, it's Penguin Man.

Do that little
waddle thing you do.

I really just prefer it
if you didn't make a fuss.

Hey, who wants Penguin man
to do his famous waddle?

Shut up.
Just shut up about it.

Okay, Penguin man.

No need to get shirty.

You large bird characters

from TV are all the same.

[upbeat music]

What's that?

I'm
giving these to Wendy.

You're giving your
toenails to her?

Yeah, some people
give locks of their hair,

but I love my hair too
much, so I'm giving her these.

[laughs]

Oh, Frankie, you're so naive.

You've got no idea
how to woo a woman.

- Don't be crude.
- Crude?

What are you talking about?

Woo a woman.

Doesn't that mean get
with a woman and go, Woo?

No, it means to court a woman.

Well, once I've caught a woman,
I hope we get to go, Woo.

[laughs]

oh dear, oh dear, oh dear

oh dear, oh dear, oh dear

oh dear, oh dear, oh dear,
oh dear, oh dear, oh dear

oh dear

oh dear

oh dear!

you got no idea, have you
Frankie?

But luckily for you, you've got
me.

To teach you the elusive art

of seduction

Okay Frank

when trying to attract women,
you have to be delicate, but

you also have to be creative.

Try something a little
out of the ordinary.

Watch the master at work.

[light lounge music]

[light lounge music]

Sorry.

Sorry.
Oh, sorry.

Oh, sorry.

Opps!

Right, Frank, I've

brought you back to the pool

to show you how to win
the heart of your beloved.

Hang on, I've just
got to get some sunscreen.

[humming]

[humming]

[slap]

Ah!

Right. Frank, you better
go to the change rooms

and smarten yourself
up so that when Wendy sees you,

she'll see you at your best.

[upbeat music]

You all right?

No, not really.

It's Garth.

I just don't
know what to say to him

to let him know that I don't
care what's happened to him.

I still love him.

Maybe if you're finding it
difficult, you could

write everything down
and let him know in a letter.

A letter?

- Yeah, that's a good idea.
- Good.

Thanks.

[gasp]

[buzz]

Cole.

Cole.

[mumbling]

Frank, it's time to
introduce you to the greatest

aphrodisiac known to modern

humanity, the Diving pool.

Be careful, Cole.

It's dangerous up there.

It's okay, Frank.

I know exactly what I'm doing.

[splash]

[claps]

[splashing]

Frank, look, Wendy's just
come on duty as the lifeguard

for the diving pool.

This is your big
chance to impress her.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[splash]

[whistle]

I've told you before,
no running by the pool.

She wasn't looking.
I have to try again.

[splash]

[splash]

[splash]

[splash]

[splash]

[splash]

[splash]

[splash]

Nah, try again.

[splash]

It is the Emperor
of Belly Whackers.

Okay, my boy.

That doesn't seem
to have worked.

I think it's time he brought out
the big g*ns, Frank.

The 10-meter tower.

[suspenseful music]

[suspenseful music]

Frank, come here, come here

come..

Now, Frank, this is your
big chance to impress Wendy.

Now, I've got a plan.
Listen carefully.

You've got to settle yourself.

Good plan.

Walk slowly and carefully
along the rail.

- Good plan.
- Go right up to the edge.

Good plan.

Then jump off doing
a triple back somersault

with four twists.

Bad plan! Bad plan.
You are a bad.

Bad plan.

Frank, come on.

Do you want Wendy
to be yours or not?

Oh, Danny boy, the pipes,

the pipes are calling.

I can't do it.

[slaps]

[screams]

[splash]

[clapping]

Darling

what's wrong?

What's the matter?

What is it?

At the shopping center,
I did an experiment.

I asked people to raise their
hands if they knew I'd won

a gold medal, and nobody did.

Not one single person.

You know what this
means, don't you?

I've become Penguin Man.

I am Penguin Man.

I hate what I've become.

I hate Penguin Man.

I hate...

Penguin Man.

Nice hot cup of tea.

- I hate.
- Okay, I know

Where are the swimming
certificates?

- Umm, they're on my desk.
- Okay.

I'm not going to k*ll it.

I know.

Could the children from level
one swimming class please come

and collect their certificates?

All right, guys, here we go.

Here you go,

here you go.

[giggling]

[splash]

All right, guys come on,

your parents are waiting.

My dearly beloved,
I'm writing this to tell you

how much I love you.

You're the only man
I could ever love.

Yours always, Wendy.

She loves me.

She loves me.

[ballet music]

[ballet music]

[ballet music]

[bounce]

[bounce]

[bang]

She loves me.

Psst.

Frank

Look, I'm Penguin Man.

Hello, Penguin Man.

I didn't realize you were
here at the pool today.

I wish my friend Cole was here.

He loves you.

Cole, it's you.

Black wings and a don't fly, and
it's hard to move...

- I hate the look and the tail.
- Just sip this.

And a tail.

Theresa.

Sweetheart,
don't just stay here.

I've got to find something.

Teresa.

Hey!

No running by the pool.

No.

See.

No!

Wendy.

Wendy, what the hell
is going on?

What?

- What?
- Hey.

Take your hands
off my girlfriend.

- Girlfriend?
- Girlfriend?

- You're having an affair?
- No.

God.

No, my whole life is just
crumbling around me.

I don't know why I'm surprised.

Who would want someone
as pathetic as me?

My life is over.

You're not allowed to touch me.

Penguin hands.

That's enough.

Oh, God.

Sweetheart.
Sweetheart.

Are you all right?

Come here. Come back!

Come out.
Come out.

Take a hold.
Leave him alone.

You.

I hate you.

This is all your fault.

God!

I hate you, Penguin man.

But darling, you're Penguin Man.

So it's true.

That's how you see me, too.

You are my dark nemesis,
Penguin Man.

I knew I must meet you face
to face and battle you

for control of my mind.

Darling, what's wrong with you?

Now, I have to k*ll Penguin Man.

My God he's completely lost it.

You can waddle, Penguin Man,

but you can't hide.

Get back.

It just a starter
p*stol, Penguin, man.

I used to be an Olympic
swimmer, remember?

Before you destroyed everything.

[clang]

[buzz]

What are you gonna do?

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

What are you doing?

[panting]

Oh, no.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

What are we going to do, honey?

[upbeat music]

[screams]

I'm going to k*ll you,
Penguin, man.

Once and for all.

Do something, darling?

I can see my flat from here.

[upbeat music]

I hope this works.

On your marks.

[thud]

Get set.

[starter g*n fire]

[splash]

Oh!

It is the Lord.

It is the Messiah
of all belly whackers.

I k*lled Penguin Man.

There's no more Penguin Man.
He's gone.

He's gone.

You look good in white.
Can I go?

Can you believe it, Cole?

She didn't even
know I was alive.

Wendy's feelings for me
were just a creation

of my own imagination.

Well, I'll never
let that happen again.

[chimes]

Did you see that, Cole?

Did you see what she did?

She loves me, Colin.

She loves me.

She loves me Colin.

Ow!

[outro music]