02x04 - Game Show God

[bunniefuu]

Get over here,
you stupid little skinny man.

You're lucky you have
a more intelligent friend

around, aren't you?

♪ I got the feeling. Got a bit

of an inkling. This is gonna

be one of those days. This is

a show all about me.♪
-And me.

♪ And all the things I do and all

the things I see.♪
-And also what I see.

♪ I get the feeling. Got a bit

of an inkling. As long as
we're together, it'll be okay.♪

You know, Cole, I reckon we're
both as dumb as each other.

Both as dumb as each.


Both as dumb as each.


Both as dumb as each.


Cole?
Red light.


That was your fault.

You distracted me.

I just think that we're
of equal inte-

Oh, my God.

What?
What?

That man over there.

Yeah, what about him?

Can't you see he's got a-

He's got a-

He's got a...

beard.

Yeah. So?

He's got a beard, Cole,
didn't you know?

I suffer from beard fear.

Beard fear?

Yes, beard fear.

Frank, what the hell
are you talking about?

Beard fear.
Beard fear.

It's a...
It's a phobia of men with

beard.

He's coming over.

He's coming over.

Hello, would you like
your windscreen wash?

No.
No.

Get away from me.

No!

Okay, okay, I was just asking.

Beard fear.

Beard fear.

You are, without doubt,

the stupidest person

I have ever met.




And you think you're
smarter than me?

Okay, let's do some
lateral thinking games, okay?

To see who's the smartest.

Do you know what a
lateral thinking game is?

No.

Well, I tell you a mystery story
and you have to try and

guess what happened, okay?

And you're only allowed
to ask yes-no questions.

Okay.

Ready?
-Yep.

Here we go.

Fred and Ginger are lying on
the floor in a pool of water,

surrounded by broken glass.

Dead.

What happened?

Why did they have to die?

Frank, it's just a hypothetical.

They don't really exist.

Just try and guess
what happened.

Just play the game.

I'm not in the mood
for games, Cole.

Not anymore.
Not after this terrible tragedy.

Yes.

It's time for Australia's
favourite game, game

show, MindBender.

This is
the perfect intelligence test.

Whoever can answer
the most questions before

the players on the tv
will be deemed the winner.


Hi, welcome to MindBender.

I'm Greg Chalmers,
filling in for Nick

Hartley, who's on vacation.

Where's Nick Hartley?

I love the Nick Hartley.

Players, test your buzzers.

Hugo.

Jemima.

Colleen.

Frank.

Ready?
Let's get started.

What is a glockenspiel?

What somebody says when they're
trying to sell you a glocken.

It's a musical instrument.

What is the sum of the
inside angles of a triangle?

Albert Einstein.

Correct.

Who created Tom Sawyer?

Mister and Mrs Sawyer.

Ichthyology is
the study of what?

Albert Einstein.

Name three prime numbers.

Albert Einstein.

What the hell are you doing?

Well, I haven't got very much
general knowledge, Cole,

so I thought I'd try using
the law of averages.

What is the chemical symbol
for sulphur?

Hugo.
Yes.

Correct.

I didn't actually
squeeze my buzzer then.

Welcome back.

So, Hugo and Jemima have been
neck and neck, all show.

So this question will
decide tonight's winner.

Who created the formula
E = mc2?

Albert Einstein.
Hugo.

Albert Einstein.
-Correct.

And that's it.

It was Albert Einstein.

And that's the last question.

But I'm the only one that
got one right, so that means,

that means I won.

I am the winner.

I am the winner.

I won.

Oh, finally, it's proved
that I am the most intelligent.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

My brain is just too big.

It's too heavy.
I can't keep it up.

It's just too large.


Frank, there's something
I have to tell you.

There's just too much weight.

I can't hold it.

Frank, will you be quiet?
I need to-

Do I look peculiar?

Like, is my head out
of proportion to my body?

Because, like,
it's just so huge.

Frank, will you just
shut up for a minute?

I need props.

I need some sort of props
to hold up my head because

my neck hasn't got enough
strength, you know?

And it's not all easy being an
incredibly intelligent person.

There are, you know,
bad sides, like, um.

No, there aren't.
There aren't any bad sides.

It's all fantastic.

Like, I am just incredibly
intelligent.

I am just so unbelievably smart.

Frank, what I've been trying
to tell you is I let you win.

This whole time,
I've been pretending to be dumb

just so you can feel better
about yourself, but I'm afraid

I can't keep it up.

Cole, I hope this doesn't
sound like I'm overreacting,

but are you out of your mind?

Are you out of your
freaking mind, man?

Has your mind been taken away
by a group of strange people

and squashed with a hammer?

I won fair and square,
and you know it.

Okay, fine.
Sure.

If that's what you want
to believe, that's fine

by me.
-No way.

No way.
You can't do this.

All right, all right.

We'll play again tomorrow night.

And when I beat you,
there'll be no question.

Okay, tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night.
-Fine!

Fine!

Oh, no, hang on.

I can't play tomorrow night.

I've got a doctor's appointment.

Really?
-Yeah.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, it's fine.

I think I'm just
coming down with a cold.

Yeah, I'm sure
everything's fine.

I hope so.
-Yeah.

So, uh, the next night!

Yeah!
All right!

Franco, I didn't
want to have to do this

to you, but you
forced me into it.

Just play the game.

Let's get started
with the first question.

What city was
Marco Polo born in?

Venice.

Hugo. Correct.

What is the speed of light?

-Correct.

Gee, that's fast.

Between what years
was the second opium w*r

between China
and Britain fought?

Hugo?


Correct.

Who am I?


Gee, Cole, I guess you
are the more intelligent.

I'm tired.
I'm going to bed.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Cole

I thought you were lying.

And I guess there's something
I should say.

I'm sorry.

And...
-Come on.

That's why I'm afraid of beards.




Hello.

So, ladies and gentlemen,
at this point.

I'd like you to meet a new

member of our group.

This is Frank.


Hi, everyone.

Frank, maybe you'd
like to tell us your story.

Well, when I was a boy, my mum
took me to a theatre show

of the seven Dwarves.

It was fantastic.

And afterwards I hung around
the stage door for hours

and eventually one of the dwarfs
came out and I rushed up to him

and I asked him for an autograph

and he just took a
drag on his cigarette

and he blew smoke into my face.

And then he said, piss off, kid.
I've got your money.

That's all I want.


And that was happy.

Excuse me.
Uncle!


Uncle.
-Stupid boy.

Sit by the work with
this thing for 15 years.

You fool!
I don't want to see you again.

Thanks for buying
the ticket, Colleen.

That's okay, Frank.

I wish we didn't
have that ziffer

sitting behind us, though.

Ziffer?

Yeah, ziffer.

Don't you know
what a zifferer is?

A ziffer is the guy
that sits behind you.

And whenever something amazing
happens in the film, he just

sits there and goes, zif.

Nothing annoys me
more than a ziffer.

I can't believe how much
you've changed, Colleen.

The last two weeks
have just been amazing.

Not only are you a genius,
but you're so generous too.

Like one night you display your
supreme mind bender skills.

The next night, you
take me out to a movie.

Then you impress me again
with MindBender.

The next night,
we go out to dinner.

One night, amazing MindBender.

The next night, we go out again.

I just can't believe it.

I love this strange alternating
lifestyle we've gotten into.

But, Cole, I don't want to
lead you on and then hurt your

feelings because, you know,
we could never be anything more

than just good friends.

I've got to go to an automatic
teller machine.

I've got to get some...

Why did you do that?

A guy I knew, Russell, once,
held his nose when he sneezed

and both his eyeballs
popped out of his head.

Really?

Ah, zif!

There's a man with a g*n.

What?

There's a man with a g*n.

Oh, is this another
lateral thinking test?

So there's a man with a g*n.

He's got a ski balaclava on.

Is he at the snow?

No, he's standing right-

You're only allowed to answer
yes, no, or irrelevant.

No.

I love these.

Is the victim somebody
that he knows?

No.

Is he Caucasian?

Irrelevant.

I'm gonna get this.

I'm gonna get it.

Who composed the music
for the ballet,

the nutcracker?
Hugo.

Tchaikovsky.

Tchaikovsky.

Tchaikovsky.

Tchaikovsky.

Tchaikovsky.

Tchai-

Tchaikovsky.

Oh, I must still have that cold.

I've been sneezing all day.

Tchaikovsky.

You know, Colleen, if you've got
a cold, you really should

cut out the dairy products.
What's with the cheese stick?

A guy I knew, Russell.

I'm getting sick and tired
of hearing about this Russell.

Oh, no, it's
a different Russell.

He was on his deathbed
with pneumonia,

right?

And his naturopath
recommended that he

cut out the dairy products.
He did so.

The next day he ran
a 42-kilometer marathon.

Really?
-Yep.

Well, a guy I know, Russell,

also was in this terrible fire.

He was burnt horrifically.

All his limbs were completely
burnt off and his face

was horribly d*sfigured.

Then he cut out
the dairy products.

Miraculously, his arms
and legs grew back.

And now he's a highly paid model

in Paris.

Did that really happen?

Yeah!

Oh, yeah!

Wow, what an incredible story.

And now, prepare
to bend your mind.

Let's welcome...

Okay, thanks a lot.
Bye.

Frank.
MindBender's starting.

You know, you should
go on the show, Cole.

You could win heaps of prizes.

You are the game show god.

Frank, come on.

That sort of showing off
and parading of one's

intelligence isn't my style.

Gee, Cole, you're so clever,
but you're so humble as well.

Frankie.

Frankie-wanky.

Come on.

As far as I'm concerned,
there are more important things

in this world
beside intelligence.

Honesty, sensitivity, humility.

These are the qualities that
I truly value above all others.

Are you a great, Cole?

You think I'll ever
be as amazing as you?

Cole?

Hmm?

Oh, sorry.

I lost interest
after I stopped talking.

Let's get started
with the first question.

What do the initials
DNA stand for?

Deoxyribose nucleic acid.

Nucleic acid.
-Correct.

Is that the MindBender
contestant one?

What is the only fish
with a prehensile tail?

The seahorse.
-The seahorse.

L I N O.
Lino.

Yeah.
He's an absolute genius.

Who composed the music
for the ballet,

the nut cr*cker?
-Tchaikovsky.

Hugo.
-Bless you.

Hugo's off to a great
start tonight.

The pancreas.

What internal organ
creates insulin?

Pancreas.

What is the-

Pancreas Tchaikovsky

Bill Clinton.

Who can post them
to sit for the ballet,

the nutcracker?

Frank.

Obviously, I've got
to make a confession.

I've been cheating.

Okay, great.
Thursday night.

Bye.

What were you saying?

Oh, weren't you
watching me then?

Oh, no, I was just
on the phone to Russell.

What was that you said
something about a confession?

There's something about the fact
that you've been-

Cheesing.

Cheesing?

Yeah, cheesing.

You know how I said I was
gonna cut out dairy products?

Well, I've been.

I've been sneaking
into the kitchen when

you haven't been around and
cheesing down something rotten.

But, sir, we are desperate.

Look, I already
told you boys I'm sorry.

If you can't afford to play,
you can't stay here.

But we have nowhere else to go.

Will win a trip for
two to Germany.

What's going on?

Where are we?

Surprise,Cole.

Sorry, mate,
you'll have to wait in.

The green room, please.

Hey, can I help you fellas?

No.

Beard. Beard.

It's time for MindBender.

MindBender.

And here's Nick Hartley.

Good evening.

G'day.

Oh, thank you very much.
Thank you.

Welcome to MindBender.

And thanks very much to Greg for
filling in while I was away.


Alrighty, let's get
started with the game.

Let's meet our carryover
champion tonight, Hugo.

Now, he-


Sorry, Hugo.

Big night for Hugo this evening
because if he wins tonight's

program-

Good evening, Cole.

There's the steal.

All right, then,
let's play MindBender.

Here we go.
Round one.

Hands on buzzers.

And good luck to both of you.

What is the famous gimmick
of the rock band ZZ Top.


Hugo.

You're taking too long
to answer the question there,

Hugo, deduct five points
from you there.

The answer, of course,
was their long beards.

Never mind.
Let's try question number two.

Here we go.

What do the following
have in common?

Noah, Abraham Lincoln, Karl
Marx, Ned Kelly, Sigmund Freud,

General Custer, Cat Stevens
and the entire male cast

of the fiddler on the roof.

Oh, no.

Time's up.
Never mind.

Of course the answer is
they all have beards.

It could be a black beard,
blond beards,

grey beards, curly beards.

Sometimes we're straight long
beards, every single one of-

Darling, darling,
I love you so much.

But how could you love me?

I'm a circus freak.

Cole, it's time for
you and I to go shopping.

Hello, Samantha.

And what are we having
to gift shop tonight?

It's camping gear, Nick.

Camping gear, indeed.

Presented, it seems,
by our very good friends from

the Ramlers Bush Walking Club.

And I can see that you've got
some of your bush

walking friends
in the audience tonight.

Good to have you in bush walking
friends in the audience.

Hello there.

Okay, and normally,
this lovely selection of bush

walking gear we go after $75.

Cole, tonight it can
be yours on MindBender.

You're my lawyer.

There must be
something you can do.

They're suing me
for malpractice.

My life has been
ruined by beards.

I hate beards.

I hate them.

Oh, my God.

I need to make an appointment
to see myself.

And that was the final
question, which means that

Cole tonight is our winner.

Well done.

Ladies and gentlemen, you have
enjoyed an extraordinary result

in the history of MindBender.

That's the first time
anyone's won the program

without actually
answering a single question.

So a big round of applause
for Cole once again.

Sadly, Hugo's leaving us
our previous cam-

Hello, mate.

You know where we
can get the beef?


And the good news for you,
Cole, is that you have won

a trip for two to Germany.

How do you feel
about that, Cole?

Albert Einstein.

Yeah, good on you, Cole.

Still got that sense of humor.

Well, it's time for
Samantha and I to say

nighty night for you all.
Thanks for watching.

We'll see you tomorrow night.
And I must say that this.

This new beard of mine,
I think it rather becoming.

I think I quite like it.

But it's on the old
nose, though.

Apart from that.
Oh, excuse me.

I'm sorry I lied to you, Frank.

Yes, well, I'm a bit confused.

Excuse me.

This may sound like a strange
and desperate request, but

I was wondering, could I please
have your airline ticket?


Thank you.

You saved my life.

Well,

your beard saved my life.

And Cole, I don't think
I've got beard fear anymore.

Thank you.
Thank you.

What can I ever do to repay you?

Bye bye.

Bye bye, helmet.

Goodbye, Cole.

Bye bye, bearded German man
who took my trip to Germany.

You know, Cole, I still
don't quite understand.

I set the video to record
and learnt the answers.

But how could you?

I'm sorry.

No, I mean, how could you
set the video to record?

I wouldn't have
a clue how to do that.

It seems so complicated.

There's so many different
little factors you have to

take into consideration.

Like all those
different buttons.

I mean, like there's that
plus and minus button.

Do you use them?

I mean, I was never ever
very good at that.

So that's a write off
for me right from the start.

And then there's
that other button.

What is it?
The next button.

Do you use that, like,
just when you're going

to program for the next show.

You get
a blank video cassette.

Right?
Right.

And you put it into the VCR.

Oh, you need a video cassette?

Yes, you need a blank
one if the

program actually on.

Where do you get that?
-You get it from a shop.

All right.
Any sort of shop or just.

Well, usually like a video shop.

Oh, so you have to hire it?
No, you don't hire it.

No, you don't hire