01x05 - Starquest

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Frank guess

who's hiring the marquee?

Leslie Ismore.

Who?

The guy from the telly.

The guy from Star Quest.

He's having a big party.

I bet there'll be heaps
of celebrities here.

Pretty exciting.
Hey.

Hey, maybe there'll be
some big time movie directors

or something.

Maybe I'll get discovered.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Maybe I'll get discovered, too.

Maybe you'll get dis...

[laughs]

Maybe you'll ge...

[laughs]

Maybe you'll get.

[laughs]

You might get.

[laughs]

[laughs harder]

Oh, you gorgeous.

Come on, mister, time for lunch.

It's gonna be great
in there tonight, isn't it?

With all those pop stars
and dancers and actors.

I wonder if any of
the great Hollywood actors

will be there, Cole.
Like Charlton Burton?

There's no such
person, you idiot.

It's either Charlton Heston
or Richard Burton.

Now, Charlton Burton.

There's a Charlton Burton?

He was in that film,
that classic film.

Everybody loves it.

The long, long eyebrow.

That's my favourite.

♪ I got the feeling, got a bit
of an inkling this is ♪

♪ gonna be one of those days ♪

♪ This is a show all about
me - And me ♪

♪ - And all the things ♪

♪ I do and all the things I see.
- And also what I see ♪

♪ I get the feeling,
got a bit of an inkling ♪

♪ As long as we're together,
it'll be okay ♪

[splash sound]

You idiot.

Because of you,
we got fired again.

And now I won't get to
meet all those famous people.

I won't get discovered

You little dickhead.

Sticks and stones
will break my bones,

but names will only cause
permanent psychological damage.

- What is the tv
show ever produced?

It's Starquest.
- Star Quest fantastic.

♪ Look at me.
- Look at me.

I want everyone to
look at me on Star Quest. ♪

Hi, I'm Leslie Ismore.

And you're jealous.

Let's get the show
off and running with

our carryover champion from
last week, the fantastic, the

fabulous Mister Ricky supreme.

♪ Amazing grace

how swe... ♪

I can sing better than this guy.

I should be on the tv.

I'm on the tv.
Get it?

I'm on the tv.
- Frank, get down.

You'll get hurt.
- Don't worry, Cole.

I've got the balance
of a mountain goat.

Yeah, but I'll hurt you
if you don't get down.

Cole what can
possibly go wro...?

[heavy thump]

Oh, good one, Frank.

Good one.

Well look, Frank,
you've wrecked the tv.

How am I gonna
watch Starquest now?

Sorry.
- Good one.

Good one.

At least we can still
hear what's happening.

I didn't mean to.

Hey Carl

come look at this.

Yeah

[chatter on tv continues]

Hmm
- This guy's pathetic

You gotta admit,
he's quite a good mover.

Yeah, but he's shocking.

Why did he even bother?

He puts in an effort and you've
got to admire him for that.

Well, Hitler put in an effort,
but should I admire him?

[cricket noise]

♪ How sweet the sound ♪

Hello Gary?
Could you come over here quick?

Smart.
How come?

Because there are two peeping
toms having a good look into my

lounge room, that's how come.

We're just about to
start learning high kicks.

I can't miss out on this stuff.

I fall behind.

Aw, forget it.

If you think you've got
what it takes to be a big star,

then call this number now.

You could be the next
big, big thing on Star Quest.

Frank quick take
this number down

- Call this number right now

Don't hesitate.
Here it is.

The number is 555-555


- I'll read it again folks




what was that 11th number?

Five.

[indistinct tv chatter]

Guess what, Frank?

We're gonna audition
for star quest.

This is so exciting.

It's just so exciting.

It's just so exciting.

[guitar sound]

[door slams]

Sorry I'm late, Frankie.

Oh, I don't know what's wrong
with me lately, you know,

trying to fit too much
in, I suppose.

Don't worry about it.

- Don't worry about it.

My God, Francis, we've got
so much work to do.

The auditions tomorrow.

I want to make
a good impression.

Now let's get cracking.

All right.

I guess you're right.

You're damn right I'm right.

Now, no time for comics.

Let's clear the space.

Come on, I want lots
of space to move here.

Move this table out of the way.

All right, that's good, Francis.

You're putting in good on you.

Okay, now, I've worked
out the opening

dance routine, all right?

You follow me now

You just watch, okay?
And I'll do it.

Okay, here we go.

Kickball, change.

Kickball, change.
Point and flex.

And point and flex.

Twist, thrust, twist, thrust.

One, two, three, leap and hold

Two, three, four.

And lunge, lunge, leap,
and one, two, three.

Arms, head and bow, finish.

Okay?

Very, very simple,
okay, your turn.

Now let's quicken
the pace a little.

Okay, here we go.

Kickball, change.

Kickball, change.
Point and flex.

Point and flex.

Twist and thrust,
twist and throw, leap.


Now, head leap and trip.

And four, grab four, both.

[window slams]

Alright Francis lovely

let's take a break.

[guitar playing]

Okay, Frank, Frank, I've worked
out some new lyrics for

the song we're gonna do at
Starquest audition, all right?

Now, these words are quite
revolutionary, okay?

They're quite avant garde.

I'm really pushing
the envelope on this one.

I'm creating a whole
new genre of songwriting

Okay?

This is how the chorus goes.

You ready?

I'm in love, I'm in love
and that's no lie?

I'm in love, I'm in love and
I'm never gonna say goodbye.

Are people ready for that?

I don't care.

I don't care Frank.

If they're not ready, that's not
my responsibility, man.

All right, now.

Now, let's pretend we're
at the tv studio, okay?

Umm

Just for argument's sake, let's
pretend that the audience is umm

is just over there. Okay?

All right?

And we'll pretend that
there's cameras here, here,

here and here, okay?

[guitar playing]

♪ I never wanna make you feel
sad ♪

♪ I never wanna make
you feel blue ♪

♪ I never wanna make you feel
bad ♪

♪ you know that's not
the kind of thing I do ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ and that's no lie ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love
and I never want ♪

♪ to say goodbye ♪

Guitar solo

Greg, what are you doing?

Frank?

Look, I know.

I know it's really tempting
to muck around a bit because,

you know, the entertainment
industry is full of colorful

characters and crazy antics
and lots of hijinks.

But behind the scenes

it's a life of great focus

and we have to stay centered.

All right?

It's just that it's
so exciting, Cole.

It's just so exciting.

It's just so exciting.

[smacks cup]

♪ I never want to make
you feel bad ♪

♪ I never want to make
you feel blue ♪

♪ I never want to
make you feel sad ♪

♪ you know that's not
the kind of thing I do ♪

♪ I'm in love ♪
- h* h* h*

♪ I'm in love ♪

Burnies, burnies carpet burnies

[winces in pain]

h* h* h*

[thumps]

Guitar solo

[plays guitar]

Lizard tongue

Clover tongue

I can cow tongue

Frank, stop it.

Just stop horsing around.

I want to be good out
there Frank

This is my big chance
to make a mark in the world.

I want to be remembered.

I want to be famous.

I want to be
an historical figure like,

you know, Alexander the great
or Scott of the Antarctic

or Weird Al Yankovic.

You know

I didn't know anybody
even lived in the Antarctic.

What?

Scott, Scott of the Antarctic.

He wasn't from the Antarctic.

He was English.

He went there on an expedition.

But we haven't got time
to talk about that now.

Well, why do they call him
Scott of the Antarctic?

They should call him Scott
who went to the Antarctic?

I mean, you know, a friend
of mine, Russell, went

to Thailand once, and I don't
call him Russell of Thailand.

Can we just get on
with rehearsal, please?

Why'd he go there anyway?

He wanted to be the first man
to reach the South Pole.

But he was beaten
by some Norwegian guy.

He froze to death
on the way back.

So they should call him Scott,
who went to the Antarctic,

but probably shouldn't have.

They were all, like, courageous

and noble Englishmen, right?

And one of his, like,
valiant colleagues, Oates,

had this really heroic demise.

They're in the middle
of nowhere in this tent

and they were freezing.

There was no food at all.

And they thought they
were at death's door.

And Oates just got up,
walked towards the door

of the tent and said, with
a stiff upper lip.

I'm just going outside
for a while.

I may be some time.

And he walked out into the snow
and he was never seen of again.

He didn't even find his body?

No.

Apparently the English
sent out an expedition.

Twelve months later.

Can we just shut up
about the Antartic?

I'm sick about talking
about Scotty the Antarctic.

Just come on and get on back
with a rehearsal.

I'm sick of you.

Don't you realize
what's going on here?

Frank, we're grown ups.

We're not kids kids anymore.

This is real life.

This is not some
end of cab concert.

This is a serious business.

Just stop acting silly
and just grow up.

Cause this is so
serious business.

I'm sorry.
[mocking hand gesture]

I didn't realize
that it was so

serious.

[continues mocking]

I can't believe that I

was acting

a bit silly.

Okay, Frank, try not
to botch this up, alright?

Just watch me.

Don't say a word
and let me do the talking.

Lano and Woodley.

Oh, finally.
Coffee.

White with four sugars, please.

Our dressing room
must have a private bathroom.

Can you tell the make up
girl that we only

use a base max factor 44?

That's four.
Four.

Darling, we will not,
under any circumstances

-David, take these two
to the waiting room.

There's no coffee, but
you can get yourself tea

from the urn and we'll
get to you when we're ready.

Charlton, darling.
Of course.

Does he know?
Charlton Heston?

No, Charlton Burton.

This is just so exciting.

It's just so exciting.

I was fantastic
in that audition.

Frank.
What?

Are they gonna ring?

[phone rings]

Yes.

Yep.

Right.

Okay.

Thanks for calling.

[clanks phone]

We're on!

Breaking piping.

We're on, we're on
we're on, we're on

We're on.
we're on.

We're on.
We're ohh

[thumps]

Now that hurt.

But I don't care
because we're on.

Come on, Frank.

They want to stand
here right away.

Come on, let's get
ourselves again moving.

Come on.

Okay, Frank,
give me the car keys.

No.
You've got the car keys.

No, I gave them to you.

I don't think you did.

I think that I did.

No, no, no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[frustrated screams]

All right, stand back, Frank.

Gonna have to keep
the door down, Cole.

I don't think you should.
Just stand back.

But I just don't.
- Just stand back.

Back.

[kicks door]

Are you okay?

Right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yep, yep, yep.
Finally.

Sweet.
Couldn't be better.

Well, Frank, look,
there's a window open.

Okay, you stay here.
I'll go and get the ladder.

Okay, but just don't
do anything until I get back.

[music]

[door opens]

Ow

[falls to ground]

[music]

Frank

[ladder clinks]

[ladder clinking]

[dog barking]

Frank.

Hello Gary?
You gotta come quick.

It's those two weirdos
from over the road again.

I think they're trying
to get into my flat.

[hits ground]

[thump sound]

Frank.

Frank, where are you?

I thought I told you.

Come on.

Right, you two, don't move.

My girlfriend wants me
to sort you perverts out.

Per... Perverts?

What do you mean perverts?

You've been watching her
with binoculars?

What?

Oh, that.

No, we smashed our tv
and we're watching her tv.

We weren't watching her.

We're watching Star Quest.

Star Quest.

Don't mind that show.

We really have to go.

Kathy said you were trying
to get into her flats.

We really do have to go.

We're appearing
on Starquest tonight.

You're on Starquest?

Yeah.

Wow.

Well done.

Did well to get picked.

Congratulations.

You must be very talented.

Thanks.

But we really do have to go.

Sorry, I can't let you do that.

Don't open the doors.

Don't get in the car.

Don't start the engine.

Don't drive off.

Don't turn the corner.

Now, let's have a number
from our current champion,

Mister Ricky Supreme.

I tell you what, instead
of a number, why don't we just

get him to sing as a song, eh?

[laughter]

The next big thing.

Mister Ricky supreme.

[audience claps]

[whistling]

♪ Oh Danny boy ♪

♪ The pipes, the pipes are
calling ♪

[continues singing]

Okay, fellas, just in case
Leslie wants to have a chat

with you, I've got
this lapel mic for you to wear.

You see that button
that turns it on?

When it's live,
the red light comes on.

You alright?
You listening?

Huh?
Yeah.

I'll come and turn it
on just before you're about

to be introduced.
You got that?

Sweet.

Cole, are these
two notes the same.

With the mics on?
Is the red light on or off?

I think I've finally
got the guitar tuned.

Listen to this.

Yeah, I think if it's on,
then it's off.

Look at that.
Ricky supreme.

What a jerk.
What an absolute poser.

Have I got time
to go and do a poo?

♪ Danny boy ♪

♪ Oh, Danny boy ♪

[rustling]

[laughing]

[laughing]

♪ Are calling ♪

[laughing]

♪ From glen to glen ♪

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Our next actor making their
television debut this evening.

So be gentle with them.

It's their first time.

[laughing]

Ladies and gentlemen,
Lano and Woodley.

[laughter]

[laughter]

Hit it

[music starts]

sing Cole.

I can't remember the words.

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ and that's no lie ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ and I never want to say
goodbye ♪

Guitar solo.

[guitar playing badly]

Follow me, Frankie.

♪ La la la la la la la. ♪

♪ La la la la la la la. ♪

♪ La la la la la la la. ♪

♪ La la la la la la la. ♪

♪ La la la la la la la. ♪

♪ La la la la la la la. ♪

♪ La la la la la la la. ♪

♪ La la la la la.. ♪

No go
♪ La la la la la la la. ♪

♪ La la la la la la la. ♪

No
♪ La la la la la la la. ♪

♪ La la la la la la la. ♪

♪ La la la la..♪
Ahh ah ah

Ah help me.

Hey, hey, hey, hey
-Frank, Frank come on help me

[inaudible yelling]

[inaudible singing]

[inaudible yelling]

Yeah.
I'm getting in Cole.

I'm getting it.
Woo.

Hey.
Hey, Cole.

Have you seen my incredible
microphone technique?

Wooo

[mic hits head]

[clapping]

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

When I said get
somebody terrible to make

my nephew Ricky look good,
I didn't mean that terrible.

Leslie

your mic is on.

Scandal rocked the world of
television last night when the

popular talent show Starquest
was canceled after it became

known that it was rigged.

This was indirectly due to
an abysmal performance

by two of the contestants.

Here's some of the
incredibly embarrassing footage

from their performance.

♪ Guitar solo ♪

[guitar playing]

Follow me, Frankie.

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la la ♪

Well, you got what
you wanted, Carl.

- You're famous.
♪ La la la la la la la ♪

[singing continues]

I'm just going
outside for a while.

I may be some time.

[door slams]

[tv chatter continues]

Hoo-Yah

[hits ground]

[outro song]