01x01 - The Thing That Wouldn't Stop It

[bunniefuu]

[Televised crowd cheering]

[Rat squeaking]

[Rats squeaking]

Not again!

This is the third time this

morning.

Whew.

MAN: Hello?

Somebody call for refrigerator

repair?

GEEK: In here!

Hello there, young lady.

Is your mommy home?

This isn’t my home, it’s my

lab.

And my mommy didn’t call you.

I did.

Well, aren’t we all grown up?

You must be Darla Gugenheek.

Please.

My friends call me the Geek.

Ah, the Coolspot Super 6.

Dandy little unit.

What seems to be the problem?

Well, for starters, it’s

possessed by some unearthly

presence, it sneaks up behind me

a lot, and it doesn’t keep my

soda cold.

Sounds like a power surge.

I’ll have her fixed in a jiffy.

Right.

That’s what the last two repair

guys said.

No!

Darn you!

Darn you all to--

[Belching]

What, another one?

Well, this has just gone too

far.

Computer.

COMPUTER: Working.

Put out an urgent call to Sam

and Max.

Who?

[Police siren wailing]

♪ Sam and Max

♪ Sam and Max

[Phone ringing]

♪ Sam and Max

♪

♪ Sam and Max

♪ Freelance police

♪ Sam and Max

♪ Freelance police

NARRATOR: Last time, on Sam

and Max...

♪

MAX: Boy, those were fun

times, he said wistfully.

You can say that again, Max,

but like all dry spells and

peach pits, this too shall pass.

I sure hope so, Sam.

It’s been at least five minutes

since my last brush with death,

and I’m getting light in the

head.

Try eating a cookie.

[Phone ringing]

BOTH: I got it, I got it!

Yes?

Yes?

Uh-huh, ten-four, affirmative,

Roger, Miller, gotcha, check,

ha ha.

We’re on it.

Was it the Commissioner?

Not exactly.

It was someone not unlike the

Commissioner, with all the

intolerant intones of the

Commissioner, who sounded

remarkably like the Geek and

therefore could very well have

been the Geek.

You have a long black hair

growing right out of your nose.

She says there’s bad trouble

down in the Sub-Basement of

Solitude.

It’s a case!

To the lab!

♪

Having fun, little pal?

It’s curiously unsettling.

[Screaming]

Well, Secretary-General,

there are no easy answers to the

global warming problem, but if

you’re asking my opinion--

Incoming, incoming.

Aw, geez.

Can’t they ever take the stairs?

Catching some air!

Going for distance!

[Crashing]

It’s a new world record!

Gee, I hope this wasn’t

anything important.

It looks like an incredibly

virulent form of the plague.

But tastes like butter.

MAX: Look, Sam!

The Geek fixed our car!

It’s got new headers, and

lifters, and retractable

headlight howitzers and

everything!

She’s too good to us.

You can say that again,

little buddy.

I love having a Sub-Basement of

Solitude with our very own

genius girl to think up wildly

improbable stuff for us.

Like this exploding Max decoy

with realistic action banter.

[Deep voice]Death from

above, death from above.

It’s what I’ve always wanted.

[Beeping]

BOTH: Thanks, Geek!

Keep it down, you guys!

I’m on the phone to the United

Nations.

Doing a little moonlighting

for the world powers, I see.

I had some free time.

Secretary-General, I’ll look

into that ozone thing right

away.

Over and out!

What took you guys?

My fridge is really acting up!

Golly, Geek.

We had a hankering for

something a little more

dangerous.

Life-threatening, even.

Hmm.

So far, it’s absorbed three

innocent repairmen.

Now you’re talking!

Okay, on my signal.

Three.

Two.

Open the door right now!

Chill, fridge!

Freeze, unit!

I can’t believe I shot at an

innocent vegetable.

I can’t believe I said,

"chill."

Oh, well.

Nothing spooky or untoward

inside.

It’s not fair.

Give it a minute to warm up.

It’s an old fridge.

Happy now?

This is definitely a job for the

Freelance Police.

The light...

Go into the light...

This is no time to mock the

paranormal, little pal.

We need to look into this.

Check.

[Whirring]

[Dance music]

Ooh.

Ahh.

[Ticking]

[Dinging]

It was at that point they met

Yukon Cornelius, scallywag of

the north.

Max, snap out of it!

What did you see?

I-- I saw what can only be

described as a gateway to some

wondrous parallel dimension.

Great.

But did you see any Fudgicles

in there?

Look way in the back.

Stop it, Sam!

You’re making it mad.

Oh, Max doesn’t mind.

Do you, Max?

[Screaming]

Whoa!

I’m just tossing darts in the

dark here, but I’d say this

whole transdimensional mess is

the combined result of you

storing toxic oozes in leaky

zippy-lock bags in a freezer

that’s about as neglected as

Quasimodo at a Sadie Hawkins

dance.

Can you guys just do

something about this, please?

Sure.

But do you have any sage

scientific advice before we

venture into this presumably

hostile unknown dimension?

Well, it’s unknown, and

presumably hostile.

I’d be careful.

Thanks, geek!

You’re the best.

[Screaming]

There’s no place like home.

There’s no place like home.

Well, here we are in the

hostile parallel ice dimension

contained inside the Geek’s

freezer.

And me without my lip balm!

And you without lips.

But enough of this.

♪ Good morning

♪ In the evening

♪ Ain’t we got fun ♪

♪ La la la

♪ La la la

♪ La la la--

Quickly fashioning a

makeshift sled using giant

French fries and spit--

Mush, Max, mush!

If we ever hope to find those

repairmen and get home in time

for a huge self-congratulatory

hoagie, we gotta find the source

of all these multidimensional

shenanigans.

Woof, woof.

SAM: Scarecrows.

Crude, but effective.

How so?

There’s not a crow in sight,

and the corn hasn’t been

touched.

[Howling]

[Rumbling]

[Screaming]

I’m thinking maybe these

scarecrows are here to scare off

more than just crows.

Perhaps whoever lives down

there can provide the answer.

MAN: What’s the password?

And if you say "swordfish,"

I’ll lose it!

NARRATOR: The password is...

haggis.

Boiled...

Haggis!

No signs of life, Max.

Still, I can’t shake this uneasy

feeling that we’re been watched

in a cliché kind of way.

Yeah, it’s just like in those

cheesy teenage gore flicks.

Don’t strip for a shower unless

you want to buy the farm.

And speaking of cliché movie

moments...

[Sounds of struggle]

Freelance police!

Nobody move!

Good work, little buddy.

You can un-hogtie us now.

Not until you say cheese.

ALL: Cheese.

Sorry about that back there.

We thought you were...

the thing.

The thing?

A shape-changing entity of

unfathomable evil that’s been

stalking us!

More sticky buns?

Oh, I really shouldn’t, but--

It’s just a matter of time

before it gets us all.

We’re doomed, man!

Doomed, I tell you!

Hudson!

No more coffee for you!

Like you, we too were snatched

like babes from our mothers’

arms.

But why?

What is this crazy, upside-down

world?

Aw, that’s easy.

Tell him, Max.

All right, Sam!

You and your friends have been

whisked away for an extended

stay in the frigid ice world

spawned inside the Geek’s

Coolspot Super 6 icebox!

Yes.

It’s all coming back now.

Darn this topsy-turvy house of

horrors!

We’re doomed, I tell you!

Doomed!

Hudson!

Sorry.

The four of us are just real

messed up about all this, you

know?

The four of us?

Hey, who’s the new guy?

[Screaming]

Now there’s something you

don’t see every day.

That’s exactly why I quit my

summer job at the petting zoo.

HUDSON: There!

You see?

It just took Higgins, man!

Yes.

The air is still charged with

its icy presence.

And unless I’m mistaken...

peach cobbler!

Max, get a reading on this.

If we can glean the thing’s

basic molecular composition,

there may be a way to destroy

it.

Glean?

Is that a real word, Sam?

Hmm, just as I thought.

The thing was born of a bizarre

chemical reaction between the

Geek’s ill-stored biological

pan drippings and...

Salisbury steak and gravy!

It’s a monstrous TV dinner

gone bad.

Fascinating.

What is that device?

Some kind of tricorder?

Actually, we’re deep in the

fourth quarter.

Pinhead.

Well, here we are in a deadly

game of cat and mouse with the

thing.

Tell me, Sam.

Why the heck are we doing this

again?

It’s simple, really.

If this so-called thing should

somehow find its way into our

world, devouring unsuspecting

citizens who have no natural

fear of frozen entrees, they

would surely cause a nationwide

mistrust of premanufactured

foods of all kinds, forcing

producers of salty, overcooked

man-sized portions to go

bankrupt.

To safeguard American

businesses, Max!

That’s why the heck we’re doing

this!

MAX: And because we get to

wave these around!

Well, that goes without

saying.

REPAIRMAN: Freezer Burn to

Heat and Serve.

Do you read me, Heat and Serve?

Over.

MAX: No sign of the thing.

All’s quiet here, but...

Wait.

Oh, no.

It’s behind us!

[Screaming]

We read you, Freezer Burn.

Just testing the equipment.

Over.

Well, don’t!

Any sign of the beast?

No sign of him yet.

Although we may have stumbled

into its den.

HIGGINS: Help!

Please help!

Finish me!

For the love of Mike, just do

it!

I guess we could do that.

But can’t we just rescue you

instead?

Oh.

All right.

That’s good too.

[Screaming]

Steady, man.

Like all wild creatures, it’s

easily spooked by sudden

movements.

[Screaming]

Nice.

Freeze, entree!

We’re packing heat!

Reheated beef-like

byproducts.

MAX: Coming right up!

Say your prayers, dinner, or

your dinner prayers, or...

something!

Gee, I don’t know anybody who

could firebomb kittens.

Here, let me.

Wow!

It’s a nondescript supermodel!

Quick, Sam!

Get a picture!

You always have that effect

on the ladies.

There’s no time to lose.

Our only hope is to activate the

outpost’s automatic destruct

sequence and blow the thing to

bits.

Sorry, we don’t have an

auto-destruct.

Then we’ll overload the

post’s environment controls,

superheating the nuclear power

plant, and--

No, no nuclear power plant

either.

Just space-heaters.

SAM: Okay, we’ll jam a scuba

tank in its gaping maw and sh**t

at it with r*fles until--

Scuba tanks?

r*fles?

We have no use for such things.

We could throw lit matches at

it.

Yeah, it hates that.

[Screaming]

MAX: Looks like the end of

the line, Sam.

We’re about to be scoffed like a

couple of c*ck weenies.

I may scream like a grandmother.

Me too, little buddy.

If only we were on the other end

of this nightmarish food chain.

I’m starved.

Hm, this is a new wrinkle.

Boy, and I thought I had

issues.

Gentlemen, we have the

thing’s assurance that the

attacks will stop.

Under one condition.

The hideous creature before

you is the last of his kind.

Only he remains.

And being a TV dinner, his

destiny is, you know...

To be eaten.

What are you?

Crazy, man?

What kind of sick lunatic would

volunteer to do that?

Ooh, pick me!

Ooh, me!

Ooh!

Sorry, little pal.

You just don’t have the sheer

girth to volunteer for such a

hazardous mission.

This one’s on me.

It won’t be long now.

Sam skipped lunch.

Hello there.

Don’t be afraid.

I’ll be your eater for this

evening.

Thank you.

No, thank you.

[TV music]

SAM: It’s over.

He’s gone on to a better place.

How was he?

At the end, I mean.

He was... happy.

And except for a little freezer

burn, surprisingly tasty.

HUDSON: Yeah, but where does

this leave us?

We’re still stuck here, man!

Doomed, I tell you!

Doomed!

Hudson!

The excitable guy’s got a point,

Sam.

And a timely one at that,

Max.

For according to my calculation,

the thing’s demise should

severely compromise the

stability of the dimension.

Right about...

Love, you man.

Good work.

Good job.

Yeah, friends for life, you

know.

Hey, Sam, what’s the matter,

boy?

I don’t know.

I’m experiencing quite a lot of

discomfort here, Max.

Maybe it was some thing he

ate.

[Laughing]

[Retching]

[Moaning]

HUDSON: You see?

It’s that thing, man!

It’s alive!

It’s gonna hatch out of this guy

and do the same to us!

We’re doomed I tell you!

ALL: Hudson!

[Moaning]

Take cover!

He’s gonna blow!

[Moaning]

[Belching]

Feeling better?

Much.

GEEK: You guys!

Look what you did!

The lab is ruined.

SAM: Oh, I wouldn’t say that.

Some fresh paint, a few plants

here and there, and a

construction crew working around

the clock and it’ll be good as

new.

And as for getting some of

this lab equipment repaired, I

think we can call in a few

favours.

[Laughing]

Well, at least my fridge is

fixed.

MAX: And so is the ozone, by

golly.

Look!

Repeating our top story, just

moments ago an unknown gas was

released into the atmosphere,

creating what scientists are

calling an impenetrable yellowy

buildup around the inner lining

of the ozone, effectively

plugging the hole.

And how do you spell relief?

Well, I’ll be.

You did it, Geek.

You repaired the ozone layer.

The world is in your debt.

We thank you.

Don’t thank me,

Secretary-General.

Thank Sam and Max, Freelance

Police.

Aw, go on.

Stop it.

[Phone ringing]

BOTH: I got it, I got it!

Yes?

Yes?

I see, uh huh, ten-four.

That was the Commissioner, Max.

He said there’s bad trouble in

the lost city of Atlantis.

What kind of trouble?

It’s lost, ain’t it?

Let’s roll!

Godspeed, Sam and Max.

And thank you.

♪