01x13 - The Final Episode

[bunniefuu]

[Yawning]

Boy, I always sleep like a

rock on these flights.

I hate to wake him but it’d be a

shame is Sam slept through all

the fireworks.

Tick, tick, tick.

Rrrring!

Rise and shine, Sam!

Time to greet the nuclear dawn!

How do you feel?

Not so good.

My head’s still throbbing from

the beating I took last night.

Sorry, it’s best never to

wake me while I’m dreaming about

the cactus people.

The details of our capture

are still kinda foggy.

But as I recall we were harshly

roused in the pre dawn hours by

a band of faceless no goods who

dragged us off into the night.

Imagine my dashed hopes when

I realized this was no alien

abduction.

Unless I’m miserably inept at

reading the signs this five

mega tonne nuclear cherry b*mb

we’re latched to is about to

play the lead role in the story

of our grizzly demise.

MACK: That is correct

freelance police.

Allow me to introduce the proud

authors of this satisfying

drama.

The Mad Thespian.

The Uglion High Ruler.

Herzog.

Deadly Dangly Deever.

Lactose the Intolerant.

LACTOSE: I see you!

MACK: With top billing going

to yours truly.

MAX: Mack Salmon again?

You think someone could freshen

up the menu.

That’s the last time I fly

this airline.

♪ Sam and Max

♪ Sam and Max

[Phone ringing]

♪ Sam and Max

♪

♪ Sam and Max

♪ Freelance police

♪ Sam and Max

♪ Freelance police

MACK: Freelance police, we

stand before you as the greatest

collection of criminal minds the

world has ever known.

Guess he hasn’t seen the ones

at the Smithsonian.

Al Capone looks like a boiled

cabbage.

For years we have endured

your sophomoric shenanigans.

And breezy interference in our

affairs.

And for that reason we have

banded together to make certain

that this will be your final

episode.

Gee, that’s kinda flattering

when you think about it.

Six criminal kingpins getting

together in their free time to

plot against little old us.

Trading recipes for doom and

staying current with the latest

methods of t*rture.

Sorta like a malignant

quilting bee.

I’d say we got ourselves a glut

of felonious masterminds here.

You’re right, Sam.

Let’s thin ’em out a little.

[Alarm Sounding]

Goodbye, see ya.

[Screaming]

Thank you, come again.

[Screaming]

Please don’t spoil this for

me.

But we were just getting

started.

Wanna see us turn Pinocchio

into a real boy?

You are to be flown to a

remote location and dropped

from a dizzying height into an

active volcano at which point

the nuclear device you are

secured to will explode.

Setting off a volcanic eruption

such as the world has never

known.

In which you will surely perish.

MAX: That could hurt.

Any chance of us using the stunt

doubles for that?

SAM: Normally I’d say yes but

it’s now way past their bedtime

and there’s school tomorrow.

MACK: And now it’s time for

us to say "Goodbye" Freelance

Police.

We will take our leave of you

now so that you might spend

these last few hours together.

In other words, we won’t tie you

up any longer.

[Laughing]

That’s just so

unprofessional.

What leaving us unattended

without even a guard to put the

boots to?

No, laughing at your own

material.

[Laughing]

I say, quite a sticky wicket,

what?

Even if we could slip these

bonds we’ve got a fancy fish, an

ugly alien, a naughty wooden boy

at the controls, and a giant

floating head guarding the door.

LACTOSE: I see you!

I guess this is it then.

The end of the line for the

Freelance Police.

’Fraid so.

But it’s been some fun, eh Max?

MAX: It sure has, Sam.

My earliest childish memories

are of us doing dumb stuff

together.

Remember the time we

accidentally set Dad’s

briefcase on fire and buried it

in thebackyard?

SAM: No, Max, that happened

to the beaver.

MAX: Oh yeah.

Remember the time we

accidentally set Dad’s beaver

on fire and buried it in the

backyard?

SAM: Good times.

Hold it, Sam.

Is this turning into one of

those shows where we sit around

and reminisce thereby recouping



via the use of clips and archive

footage?

SAM: Yes it is, Max.

Now stop talking stupid it’s

costing money.

Not long after that we tackled

our first real case together.

An amusing bit of high school

drama we like to call Organisms

Made Easy.

SAM: Will these awkward

teenage years never end?

Who knew the mixing of two

unstable compounds like Barium

Hydroxide and my jock would

result in such a bizarre

biological oops.

I like how it lumbers around

on it’s overgrown nose hairs.

That’s Sillia, Max.

That’s for sure.

Well, don’t just stand there,

Sam, start hucking stuff at it.

As I recall this was a defining

moment in our relationship as

crime fighters.

The first time that our unique

problem solving skills meshed

as one.

Uh-oh, sorry about that, Max.

Ooh, I feel all tingly, Sam.

Why?

That’s the enzymes at work,

little buddy.

Consuming you in a sort of slow

lazy death.

Swim for the waste vacuole, Max.

Why, do you have something in

mind or do you just like to say

waste vacuole?

Both actually.

Uh-oh.

Now that wasn’t too gut

wrenching was it, little buddy?

Maybe for him.

I copped his nucleus.

[Growling]

Yeah, so many memories.

So many rich and rewarding

experiences.

But with all the highs Sam

and I have had our share of

lows.

As you’ll see in this scene from

our Christmas clunker "Yule Put

Your Eye Out."

Um, Sam, if I tell you

something promise you won’t get

mad?

It’s Christmas, dough head.

Nothing could make me flip my

lid at this time of brotherhood

and good cheer.

Funny you should mention

headwear.

I needed something to mix up our

traditional yuletide nog and

well--

I got careless.

[Spitting]

No, no, no!

Max had violated a cherished

family heirloom.

Defiled the memory of my

howling Grandpa Leo who bought

it in the big one.

I thought he bought it at

Mall-Mart.

Wait, Sam, it was an honest

mistake.

His slap dash treatment of

Granddad’s unwashed helmet was

unforgiveable.

The Freelance Police were no

more.

I thought it was old clotted

neck bag in there, honest, Sam.

Sam!

Going our separate ways Sam

headed to Alaska and the

Iditarod where he became the

lead dog in the heavily

favoured sled team.

SAM: Despondent over the

break up Max let his appearance

go to pot and became a burden

to society.

But after falling asleep in the

park Max woke up on the wrong

end of a can of Sterno.

[Laughing]

MAX: Luckily for me the

thought of spending Christmas

with a wild pack of sweaty

hounds was not what Sam had in

mind.

SAM: So I waved goodbye to

the folks back home and drove

that dog team for New York

City.

[Barking]

[Barking]

[Gasping]

You okay, little pal?

Sound as a pound, Sam.

SAM: Boy, those were great

times.

The thrills, the adventures.

MAX: The callous disregard

for homicidal transient life.

Followed by our trademark

riding off into the sunset.

SAM: And as I recall that was

the winter we made our big

impact on the news media.

MAX: It was also the winter

of our discontent.

For it was around that time we

met Lorne.

♪ The Friend for Life

Oh, by gosh, by golly.

It’s them!

Sam and Max, the Freelance

Police!

In the flesh, in person,

unconscious.

Their airways are blocked, their

hearts have stopped!

Don’t die, Sam & Max.

We only just met!

Not these people, not these

people!

I’m your biggest fan!

Nothing, no response!

They’re just lying there, crying

out to me in voices that only I

can hear!

Begging me to wish to unto them

the breath of life.

I think I’ll start with...Sam.

[Kissing]

[Gasping]

[Blowing]

LORNE: Success!

I’ve done it, I’ve saved the

lives of Sam & Max!

From this day forward we are

joined.

You as the wise and wily

Freelance Police and me, Lorne,

as your most faithful friend for

life.

[Laughing]

MAX: Lorne was better than

his word.

He became as good a fan, as

good a pest, and as good a

friend for life as the good old

city ever knew.

And it was always said of him

that he knew how to glom onto

celebrities well.

May that be truly said of all

of us.

And as Sam & Max most often

observed.

BOTH: Help, help us!

Anyone!

Max, when I think back on

that I thank my lucky stars that

Lorne isn’t around to save us

this time.

I hear ya, Sam.

If we have to kick at least let

us kick in peace.

MACK: You see, I told you I

heard narration in here.

They’ve wriggled loose, you

fools.

Nope, uh-uh, this changes

everything.

We can’t run the risk of you

escaping again.

I put it to the group that we

dispense with Sam & Max right

here and now.

All in favour?

ALL: I!

All opposed?

Nay.

The I’s have it.

I was kinda counting on your

vote back there, Max.

Sorry, Sam, I’d rather not

get involved.

Throw them out!

[Screaming]

Friends, coworkers, enemies

of the deceased.

The Freelance Police are gone.

Never again will we encounter

their smug shining faces

gloating over the ruination of

our affairs.

Praise be to me!

[Laughing]

Good thing we ploughed

headlong into Lactose’s soft

mealy head, Max.

I’m so grateful I almost feel

bad about doing this.

[Chomping]

So long, blue boy!

You know, Max, all these high

flying hijinks reminds me of

the time we were escorting

International Hit Man Carlos the

Wacko from Lisbon to New York.

Watch the monitors!

[Gasping]

SAM: What’s wrong, Max?

I’m having trouble breathing,

Sam.

Is it the air pressure or does

our prisoner need his underarms

rolled again.

Actually, it’s me.

I guess my stomach can’t handle

a Hodge Podge of salted nuts,

acidic complimentary juices, and

runny waxing cased cheeses of

the world the way it used to.

[Flatulence sounding]

Some flat ginger ale oughta

fix you up.

Hand me the glass cutter, I’m

cracking a window.

SAM: Okay, but I’d rethink

this, little pal.

Unless you wanna get sucked out

into the screaming blue yonder

howling like a just spanked

newborn.

Anything to end this flight.

[Dinging]

Hm, I can’t seem to hail the

bonnie steward lass.

She’s probably busy pumicing

the corns off elitist travellers

up in first class.

Stop, I’d kiss my sister for

a good pumicing.

Hey, Max, what’s wrong with this

picture?

Well for starters you’ve lost

weight.

About 400 pounds that answers to

the name of Carlos the Wacko.

Look around.

He may have slipped down behind

one of the seat cushions.

Hm, he’s not here.

But I think he dropped this.

Look at the colours!

SAM: Ooh, pretty.

Now get rid of it while I chew

off my own foot to escape.

[Ticking]

[Chewing]

[Exploding]

Hey, no plane rocking

expl*si*n?

How’d you manage that, little

buddy?

Max?

[Exhaling]

Who’s up for a heavily scored

foot pursuit as we chase down

this dangerous perp?

Me, oh, me!

[Screaming]

First class is nice.

It doesn’t smell like bison.

And my feet aren’t sticking

to the floor.

I can run like the wind!

[Screaming]

Freelance Police, ma’ams.

Just a routine check for an

escaped psychopath.

Don’t get up.

Is there any reason this door

is locked?

It’s probably the pantry,

Max.

The k*ller always hides in

there armed only with a crazed

instinct for survival and a

frozen shank of ham to hit you

with.

[Screaming]

Yes, we’ve always worked well

together.

I’m thinking specifically of our

greatest most action packed

moment ever.

As you’ll see in this next

clip from our bare fisted epic

"Die? Hardly."

[Sirens wailing]

Silence, network dogs!

We will now cancel one hostage

every hour until you begin

airing nothing but figure

skating around the clock!

Now, you be careful.

Aw, you don’t have to worry

your pretty big little head

about me.

Actually, I’m worried about

the bazooka.

It was a gift from my sweet old

granny.

MAX: Death from above!

[g*nshots firing]

Eep!

Oh, what do you know?

b*llet proof glass.

[Crashing]

[Laughing]

[Gasping]

And speaking of network gaps.

Remember when we were drawn

funny?

h*m* down to a pair of

dirt simple cartoon

chuckleheads?

SAM: Lucky for us it lead to

the downfall of our ill

conceived primetime sitcom:

"I Dream of Weenies."

MAX: In this scene, I try to

persuade scrappy Sam into going

into the old Henderson estate.

Convinced that the rubbery

ghost inside is actually Mr.

Phipps, the unscrupulous real

estate speculator.

Go on, Sam.

If you do it I’ll give you a

scrappy dog.

Uh-uh, uh-uh.

Two scrappy dog’s?

[Laugh track sounding]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Then there was the time you

swallowed a wallet.

Come out!

Praise the Lord!

And who could forget the

defining moment of our lives?

When our sorry existence was

forever changed following a

chance encounter with Darla

Gugenheek.

MAX: We found her floating

down the river in a basket and

decided to take her in.

Knowing that one day she would

lead us out of eternal bondage.

SAM: Aw, no.

You’re thinking of Moses there,

little pal.

MAX: Aw yeah.

How did we meet the Geek again?

MAX: That’s cool!

Wanna come and live in our

basement and devote the rest of

your life to fighting crime?

Okay.

[Banging]

MACK: Open this door.

I’m warning you, don’t make me

use force.

Max, if for whatever reason

I don’t make it...

[Sniffling]

I want you to take care of this.

"If anything happens I’ll

deny I ever knew you.

Love, the Commissioner."

[Sobbing]

That’s just so...him.

Yeah, whenever we were

feeling logy, in need of a

little sub human contact?

We could always count on that

phone to ring.

[Phone ringing]

[Phone ringing]

[Phone ringing]

So many memories.

Tainted watercolour memories.

Of the way we were.

♪

[Laughing]

[Gasping]

[Rumbling]

[Screaming]

[Engine revving]

MACK: But alas, all good

times must come to an end.

Uh-oh, look what the cat

coughed up.

We really need a bouncer on

that door.

MACK: If you please?

Raise your hands and step away

from the controls.

And if we refuse?

[g*nshots firing]

A convincing argument.

I bet you he was top dog on

the debating team.

Yes, yes.

Everything is in readiness.

We have reached the crucial

juncture.

Our timing is perfect!

Nothing can stop us now!

[Banging]

Now what?

An unwelcome caller, it never

fails.

I’d get rid of him quick.

This juncture is too crucial to

risk being spoiled by

canvassers.

Although, if it’s girl guides

I’ll take two boxes.

What is it?

Can’t you see we’re busy?

It’s the rubber pants

commandos.

MAX: Laying down the law with

scalding milk and sweet smelling

concussion bombs.

Get in there and fight dirty,

you jungle heads.

Flip, returning to base.

No, scat, you kids go home!

You’re ruining all that we

worked so hard to achieve.

Come to daddy!

That’s right you can do it, come

on.

Such a big boy!

[Screaming]

[Laughing]

[Crashing]

Uh-oh.

You may have won the battle,

Freelance Police.

But I, Mack Salmon, will win the

w*r.

For when the force of a volcanic

eruption combines with the sheer

magnitude of a nuclear blast.

I dare say you can kiss your

precious world goodbye.

You’d think so wouldn’t you?

But while you and your

friends were so engrossed

watching the in flight movie.

I believe it was Free Willy.

Max and I took the liberty of

replacing the bombs combustible

innards with 600 pounds of our

anti-flatulent of choice.

MACK: No.

[Rumbling]

That volcano should be no

trouble now, Max.

Come take a look.

No, no, no!

[Laughing]

SAM: Gosh, they’re cute.

Almost makes a guy pine for kids

of his own, don’t it.

[Laughing]

MAX: Why so glum, Sam?

All in all it was a great final

episode.

That’s what’s eating me up

inside, Max.

Since we dispensed with the

planet’s most hateful villains

in one fell swoop, maybe this

really is our final kick at the

can.

Maybe the world is finally as

safe as safe can be.

Don’t worry, Sam.

The world is still infested with

rotten despicable evil doers of

all shapes and sizes.

You just wait and see.

That phone is gonna ring.

It’s gonna.

Any second now.

Ring!

[Phone ringing]

Hey!

Forgive me, Max.

I never should’ve doubted you.

Ah, go on.

Oh look, dolphins!

I got it, I got it!

[Laughing]

You crack me up, little

buddy.

BOTH: I got it, I got it!

♪