01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

# Where does our love lie ?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Where does he pass me by ?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Oh, baby, won't you tell me

# What am I to do ?

# I'm in the middle of nowhere

# Getting nowhere with you #

(SCREAMS)

Oh. Thought you were somebody else.

(SCREAMS) Oh.

You still here, Jackie ?

Yeah. You asked me to make 30 copies of your memo.

Is it a problem ? It's a simple task, even for somebody secretarially challenged.

I think the photocopier's broken.

You think ?!

Ah, that's a good one, Jackie.

Instead of 30 copies of your memo,..

it's made 300 copies of my breasts.

And 300 copies of my bare arse.

Is this your way of quitting ?

Yeah.

Effective.

Get out !

Oh, I should warn you.

I've been sick in your bin.

Very clever.

# MUSIC ON RADIO

(Morning.)

(MUMBLES) Morning.

They don't do anything, you know.

They do.

Well, they don't.

They do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Before I started taking these, I couldn't do this.

I'm not sure that's good for you.

DOORBELL

Paula Martin from Make A Splash Colour Consultancy Ltd.

Could I ask you a few questions, for research, for our consumer database?

Yeah. Come in.

Oh, thanks very much.

Go through. I'll get you a cup.

Brilliant. It's freezing outside and nobody usually...

..asks me to come in.

Go straight through. Have a seat.

Milk and sugar ?

Cool, yeah, whatever.

I'd rather you didn't look at the pictures.

I wasn't.

They're all of me...

..in the nude, so to speak.

Cool, fine, whatever.

I mean, don't worry about me.

I'm easy about that sort of thing. And we're both girls, aren't we ?

There you go.

Thanks. >

Ciao !

Still, it's just a bit embarrassing.

So... just don't !

No. Right. Fine.

I'll... just fire away.

I'll just start, OK ? 1) Have you had your colours done ?

Erm,... no.

No.

Could you not look at that one ? I've got a massive minge on that one.

What skin tone are you ?

Oh. I don't know. Pink, purple, red ?

Don't... look.

I might put pink.

If you were a season - number three - what season would you be ?

Oh, I think I'd be autumn, because I love fawn and brown.

You're looking.

I didn't know it was there. I'll go.

There's a watercolour on the table.

Right, fine. I'll look at my pad.

If this is a problem, drink up...

< No. No.

Can I look at you ?

Yes.

Right.

I've got a problem with... reading.

So silly. I shouldn't be embarrassed.

No.

I'm very body-shy.

You've got a lovely body, I imagine.

And it's your living room. If you can't... have pictures of yourself..

..in the squeaky...

..in your own living room, then...

Yeah. Right.

It's not like I'm giving it the old "phwoar" Page Three stuff.

No. It's-art-it's-art-it's-art, isn't it ?

You can still see my chuff, though.

Is the artist a boyfriend ?

God, no. I got them at auction.

What ?

In Florida. Lucky I was there. Don't want anyone else to have them.

I can see that.

I mean, look at them !

I can ?

Yeah.

I've got my t*ts out !

(GIGGLES HYSTERICALLY)

Stop looking, please.

Right, so,...

..the sperm leaves the vesicals...

..and travels down the urethra...

..via the vas deferens...

..and leaves said p*nis,...

..to enter the vag*na.

How are we doing, girls ?

All right, thanks, miss.

Excuse me. I'm doing research...

Excuse me.

Excuse me. I'm doing some research.

Who's it for ?

Science faculty at the university.

What sort ?

Into the ageing effects of UV light in the cells of mice and rats.

Oh, yeah ?

It's interesting. Exciting work.

I've got a grant and a workbench.

What's that got to do with me ?

Nothing. Are you impressed ? I'm dying to tell somebody.

Don't you want to ask me questions ?

No. You can ask me some, if you like

That's all right.

Thanks for your time.

Excuse me...

# ROMANTIC MUSIC

You're very special to me.

You know that.

Cut ! >

(SPITS) Urgh !

Urgh ! That was disgusting !

Is there water ?

Ruth, could you call my fiance and tell him I love him ?

Revolting.

Tris ?

Yeah ? >

Was that all right ?

Yeah, fine. >

Yeah. It was really nice.

I don't mind going again, if we have to.

I do.

Yeah ?

I thought that one... We did it without tongues.

Could we do a version with tongues ?

OK. Let's go again. Reset, please. >

Not real tongues, just pretend.

I just thought - when you bring your hand up, do it like this and I...

Here we go. Let's turn over. >

Running. >

Recording. >

I...

176, take three.

I might do a bit of touching.

Please don't.

For realism.

No.

Here we go. And... action ! >

# ROMANTIC MUSIC

You're very special to me.

You know that.

Cut ! >

Oh, I wasn't happy with that. I can do much better than that.

Can we go again ?

There was hammering outside.

One more.

Just go straight away again, yeah ?

That's fine. >

Say that about me being special.

Excuse me.

You're excused.

Sorry.

Have you got a light ?

Yeah, sure.

Thanks.

No problem.

# Quando Quando Quando

MUSIC ENDS

Look at him behind you.

Oh, he's gorgeous.

I think his name's Michael.

I bet he's g*y, though.

He isn't. Simone knows him.

He's good-looking and he's not g*y ?

I don't think so.

I'm gonna go and talk to him.

Do I look all right ?

'Wow, good-looking and not g*y. I can't believe it.'

'Ooh, here goes !'

Hi. I'm Liz.

Nice to meet you. Name's Michael.

'Michael. Such a not-g*y name.'

'Big, warm, heterosexual hands.'

'I love him !'

So, what do you do, Michael ?

'Big arms. I love that in a man !'

..arms trade...

'That is so not a g*y job.'

..chemical weapons...

'Lovely not-g*y jaw !'

..burns and blindness...

'Please love me ! He's perfect !'

What do you do ?

Oh,...

'Rrrrrr... !'

..I'm a graphics designer.

That's a man's job, innit, that ?

'Good sense of humour !'

Women, they're inferior.

'Definitely not g*y !'

Ooh !

'Popping out. He must be mine.'

..only good for breeding.

What do you like to do socially ?

I'm on my own...

'Wow ! My boat has come in.'

..top-shelf wank mags...

'Off again ! Charming ! So not g*y.'

I did one of 'em once. Skinny thing but with massive, bouncing t*ts.

'# Perfect, perfect, perfect ! # Bring your head closer.'

Are you single ?

Mm-hm. Getting lots of p*ssy.

'He's single !'

Young, old - p*ssy's p*ssy.

'He's single !'

Yeah, I don't mind how young.

'Such a not-g*y shirt. Look at his eyes.'

'Lovely heterosexual eyes !'

They love it, women, masculinity.

I'm fit. You can see that.

'I am so up for it with you, baby !'

..weekends, give it a...

'I love you !'

..line dancing.

'I am so... What ? Line dancing ?'

See you around.

(Urgh !)

DRILLING

WILL YOU SHUT UP ?

SHUT UP, YOU SELFISH b*stards !

THAT IS IT ! YOU'VE HAD IT NOW !

Claudine !

Are you there ? They won't be quiet.

'b*tch !'

BEEP

(NORTHERN) I'm not choosy but if I book a smoker's coach tour..

..I expect to smoke where I want.

But no. In the Vatican Museum I get told to put it out.

Anne Frank's attic - told to put it out.

Having a quiet f*g, looking at the Mona Lisa, told to put it out.

I'm careful.

If there was a fire, the sprinkler systems keep the pictures wet.

It's stupid.

So...

..I want someone...

..who smokes like a b*stard.

I'm not interested in a no-smoking relationship.

BEEP

We are Apollini and Benji Marharsin.

We are looking for a young, similar, attractive couple...

..in the... England area.

We want to meet up for evenings of beer and wine and...

..fun.

Maybe more.

It's the first time we've done this but we both for some time want to...

..swing.

I very much want to go swinging.

I can recommend my husband. He is quiet but uninhibited.

He does upstairs downstairs, half-eaten samosa, deaf Rapunzel...

..and most Latin American rhythms.

Also the straight three-in-a-bar.

And, as for me,...

..I don't want to be arrogant but...

..I can really make the puffin fly.

BEEP

I want somebody to go out with but not go out.

I've come out of prison and I'm used to a squarish room.

If anybody wanted to go out with me

but not really go out, just stay in, and likes square rooms, then ring.

I was in for armed robbery but I never k*lled anybody.

I never did it, actually.

If we follow my three-year plan,...

..we'll see an increase of 30%, 40% in our client base by April 2000.

Will everybody in favour please raise their hands ?

Sorry, will everybody in favour please raise their hands ?

I spent ages on that.

(SOBS)

STAMPS FOOT

I want to do my plaaan !

(SOBS)

I want to do my plaaaaaaaaaaa...

..(GASPS) aaaaaaaaaaa...

..nnnn.

Why won't... Why-uh won't-uh you-uh let me do my plan, mm ?

If you don't let me do my plan, I'm going to hold my breath until I die.

Mm-hm. I am.

Mm-mm-mm.

Mm.

(GASPS)

Thanks. That was unanimous. It's been a very productive meeting.

See you next week.

DUCKS QUACK

PHONE

All right, who's stolen my n*pples ?

Sorry. It's all right. They're here.

# SLUSHY MUSIC

Oh, God, you're so gorgeous.

There's no-one else like you.

You're the only girl I fancy at work and I mean that.

It's not just a lust thing. I feel you're really different, special.

I can talk to you.

I could put in a good word for you at work. You deserve to be promoted.

But right now I want to make mad, passionate love to you.

I wanna kiss every inch of your body. I wanna bite your bum.

I'm... I'm... I'm just gonna...

..go and put something in.

Oh, yeah, yeah, of course.

Be quick, though, baby.

Oh, result !

What are you doing? What are those?

Earplugs.

So I won't hear your bullshit !

ALL: # For she's a jolly good fellow For she's a jolly good fellow

# For she's a jolly good fellow

# And so say all of us

# And so say...

Sorry.

I thought she was someone else.

# I thought maybe / I'd go crazy

# Didn't know what I was worth

# Thought I had to stay on earth

ALL: # Can't be frightened...

# ..of aiming higher

# Mustn't hide away and cry

# Spread your wings and touch the sky

# You'll find that your mind...

# ..is full of colours

# And you'll see that you're free

# To feel colours

# Colours like blue

# And even if it's only for one day of your life

# You've broken through

# Haven't you ?

# I will show you

# Life is short

# And wide

# Don't cry, reach up, you can fly

# Life is short

# And wide

# Don't fight, reach up, fly on by

# Life is short

# And wide

# Don't die, reach up, fly so high

# Life is short

And wide !

# Just fly, reach up, touch the sky

# You'll find that your mind...

ALL: # ..is full of colours

# And you'll see that you're free

# To feel colours

# Colours like blue

# And even if it's only for one day of your life

# You've broken through

# Haven't you ?

# I will show you #

The pole's quite big, so, when you attack, don't just whack them.

Because that's gonna hurt.

You've gotta let go with kendo wrists slightly, and a sort of half-flick.

OK ?

Mm-hm.

Just try one now.

That's it. And again.

Breaking the wrists.

That's it.

Now try it on me.