01x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

# Where does our love lie ?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Will it soon pass me by ?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Baby, won't you tell me what am I to do ?

# I'm in the middle of nowhere gettin' nowhere with you

CHATTER

Hello, Brian. How ya doin', mate ? Bill !

Yeah ?

Brian James, you wanna take it ?

Nah. Tell him I'll call him... back.

It's Claire.

Claire !

Is she mad ?

What the bloody hell are you doing ? Get in !

We'll get you down.

Stay where you are.

You wanna talk about it ?

Where else am I supposed to go for a f*g ?

THUD

It is superior to the property you saw earlier.

It's larger. It's west facing, there's no chain.

I love the upstairs.

Yeah. OK, all done then ?

Sorry, can we have another look in the lounge ?

By all means, yah.

There's a lot of light in here.

Mm, yah.

And it's recently been re-floored.

Yes.

Sorry. This is probably a stupid question, but are those deliberate ?

Yah. They are the originals, actually. They're very rare now.

There's only 11 or 12 pairs in the UK

< They are original 1970s, very unusual.

They would be National Heritage-protected.

So we'd have to keep those ?

< Yah.

What are they for ?

Erm,... They don't really have a raison d'etre.

That's what attracted people to them in the '70s, the fact that they just...

..are.

Well, I really love the house,...

..but they do make me feel slightly insecure.

I like them.

Could we sort of disguise them,...

maybe build a shelving unit around ?

< Not really.

No.

Maybe we could have the lounge upstairs, and this could be my study

You could just never, um,... come in here.

That could be a rule.

< What d'you think ?

Um,...

(SIGHS) I think we'll, er, leave it.

Yes, right. You're probably, um,... Yeah.

All done ?

Yes. Thank you very much.

Onward and upward.

"Dear Mel, The weather here is lovely."

"This is a beautiful, picturesque spot."

SHOUTING

"The locals are warm and friendly."

SHOUTING & CRASHING

"And the food is divine."

"All in all, I'm having a wonderful time."

"Lots of love, Julia."

Can we go for swimming ?

Later.

(SIGHS)

Mm.

"Prepare for battle, Zara, Vixen b*tch Warrior."

"Prepare for battle, Susan."

# SYNTH MUSIC

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(SQUEAKS)

Ow !

That really hurt !

Big, shiny cow !

Mm-mm ! Mm-mm-mm !

Hello ! How's it going ?

Fine. Anything wrong ?

No, they've done the presentation. I thought I'd pop in to say hello.

Hello.

(CHILDISH) Hello !

Are they the canapes I made ?

These ? Errr, yes. Gosh, I think you're right.

There might be (SCOTTISH) a wee problem with the fillings in some of these.

What was that stupid voice ?

Just a stupid voice. (SCOUSE) No law against it, eh ?

You do it when I've done somethin' wrong.

I don't.

You do ! Remember when I was late ?

(NORTHERN) That was a nuisance.

You tell me off in a stupid voice.

That's not true.

It is !

(DEEP) No, it's not.

It is. How long have I done that ?

You always do it. It gets on my t*ts.

I'm no good with confrontation. I think it just softens the blow.

It doesn't. It pisses me off more.

(HIGH) Sorry !

Just talk to me normally.

All right, all right. These canapes taste like soap.

(CROAKY) Do not.

They do.

(NORTHERN) I don't think they do !

I see what you're doing. Erm, could you do them again ?

(CHILDISH) Oh, do them again. I don't think they do !

Ha-ha. Ah, stop it now.

Shush, everybody.

Pat, this is a little thing for you from all of us girls in marketing...

..to thank you for being a brilliant temporary boss.

Are we ready ?

One, two. One, two, three.

# BELLS PLAY For He's A Jolly Good Fellow

# TRILL

Hurray ! Thanks !

KNOCKS

Hello. We're doing research. Could we ask a few questions ? It won't take long.

I'm not buying anything.

No, we're not selling anything.

We just wanna ask a few questions.

OK, if you're quick.

Thank you.

What I'd like to ask you is, which one of us do you like the best ?

Sorry ?

D'you like me best, or d'you like her best ?

I don't know you.

First impressions.

Appearance.

D'you want to sniff us ?

Come out with us first, then decide.

I haven't time for this.

Oh, please. Please.

Another "I don't know."

No, it's "like both the same." Where to now ?

Um, over there ?

Yeah.

OK, Martina, just lie down, make yourself comfortable and relux.

Find a peaceful inner spot, maybe a deserted saundy beach.

Maybe my patio. It's quite peaceful.

Could you do the deserted beach ? I don't know the words to your patio

OK, I'm going to count you down now. And ten, nine, eight.

Just relux, you're very reluxed.

You're lying down, sinking down into the white sand...

..and deeper and deeper. Seven, six, five.

And you're very reluxed.

And deeper and deeper. Four, three, two... and one.

(SCREAMS)

Sorry. I don't know why I did that.

"Girlie Driver."

"Select your driver."

"You have selected Susan."

"Select your car."

"You have selected the yellow one."

"OK, let's race."

"Where's the keys ? God ! Hurry !"

"Oh, dear. Oh, oh. So much belt. I can never get it... Oh,gosh."

"Ah, here we go. Ooh, hurry."

"Always forget my glasses. I've got a spot."

"Get out my... You never know...

..where to go on these..."

MOBILE PHONE

"Ow. Stupid... Hello ? Hi. Yeah. No, I can't really talk. I'm in a race!"

"Ow. I keep crashing."

"I'm sort of going the wrong... Agh Sort of going... Oh, stupid road."

"Marks and Spencer's, superb. I might just stop and get some supper."

"I might get one of those curries for one."

"I might get a nice top. Where have the keys gone ?"

"I'll get a microwaveable curry and a beaded cardie."

"Better be quick."

177

178

Oh, sh*t !

Hello, Apple. Yeah, technical support.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Mm. Yeah.

A G3 PowerBook, keyboard.

Ash.

Marlboro Light.

Do I ? OK, hang on.

(BLOWS)

Yeah, that seems to have worked. Thanks.

Oh, dear.

What's the matter ?

I just feel... really demotivated, you know ?

I mean,...

..yesterday, I discovered a very important antiviral,...

..a chemical compound that will save millions of lives.

Yes, I remember. We had cake.

Someone could have said "Well done."

"Congratulations on your discovery, Professor Hutchinson."

Or if someone other than me had bought the cake.

It was an oversight, maybe.

No, it was the same when I did the cloning, or grew the arm on the goat

I paid for the cake both times.

I said "Well done" about the arm.

No, you didn't.

You said "It's the most offensive thing."

I was pleased.

Well, I just wish you'd said and... bought me something.

I can't be bothered to discover anything else...

..if people aren't going to appreciate me.

Suzy bought you stuff.

A biscuit snack pack doesn't reward discovering the testicular cancer

gene.

You get paid.

You see, money. Sabrina, it's not all about money.

Encouragement and a Victoria sponge go a long way.

Scientific discoverers are attention-seekers to a degree.

Here's a gift to say how great you are...

..as a scientist and a friend, OK ?

(Gosh.) Gosh.

You big berk.

Pranny.

Thanks.

I'd better get back to work now. Thanks very much. Thank you.

Well done, everybody. Super.

Sand.

There we go.

Thank you.

You look chilly. We could always go back to mine after this if you...

See how we feel.

Yeah.

You'll have to catch me first, though. Catch me ! Catch... Oof !

Catch me !

Catch me !

Whoo !

Catch me ! Come on ! Whoo !

Catch me !

BEEP

All right ? I'm Gemma, and I'm looking for a man.

I'm looking for a particular man. Peter from Croydon, if you're there,

..look, really sorry about our date last week.

Erm, can I just say, that wasn't the real me, honestly.

I've been under stress. I'd like to show you I'm not a complete psychopath.

(MAD GIGGLE)

It wasn't what you said. It was what you wore.

Do I get a second chance ? Please. No, cos I'd like to make it up to ya.

So, erm, perhaps you can gimme a buzz when you're back on your feet. Foot.

(IMITATES PSYCHO MUSIC) Only muckin' about. (GIGGLES)

BEEP

I want a partner...

..with a love of Coleridge, Keats, any of the serious Romantic poets.

But I do love Rossetti. "She sucked and sucked and sucked the more."

"She sucked until her lips were sore." Goblin Market.

It's the mouth as sexual organ.

Ideally, I need somebody who's willing to work with my mouth,

..work quite closely with my mouth. Ideally, I need a dentist.

BEEP

(WELSH) Hello, I'm Erica. I'm 27. I'm... quite soppy,...

..erm, into science fiction and w*r, quite broad-minded,...

..and looking for a bloke who won't make me do what I don't wanna do again.

Um, even if it is his birthday.

If we agree with the medical evidence,...

..we must agree that Evans couldn't have done it.

< D'you believe that doctor ?

He's a police witness.

He sounded like he was told to say it

We're getting off the point. What do we think about the time of death ?

Doctors don't wear zip-up shirts. >

Anybody else ? What about you ?

Erm,...

Before I answer, can I just ask,...

..does anyone think we can keep the pencils ?

Um, probably.

(Fantastic !)

The other side didn't call a doctor.

(Can I have yours ?)

< They're entitled to one.

I expect they are. Maybe they're...

(Can I have your pencil ?)

..not questioning his authenticity.

Nobody told them they could.

I'm usin' it.

When we finish.

Yeah. Sorry, I missed that bit.

Look, we'll have to do it all again,

..hear all the gory details again.

Oh, I know. The photographs of the body.

What about 'em ?

Are there any takers for those ?

Do you realise that we have to come to a decision in an hour ?

What if we don't reach a decision ?

We do it all again tomorrow.

They'll shut us in a hotel for the night.

Hotel ?

We don't wanna do that, though. I wanna go home.

< Yeah.

In theory, is there anybody who wouldn't want their sewing kit ?

So,... so, let's just decide here and now...

..if the evidence is strong enough.

(Minibar ! Minibar !)

Does anybody have doubts ?

Yes.

Yes, I do. I have some quite... big, long doubts, actually.

(SIGHS) >

Sorry.

BEEP

We're sisters from Blackburn.

We go to t'football every Saturday.

We always have a pie at half time.

We want two blokes to go out with.

Two blokes.

We're a really good laugh, really good fun.

Four blokes. Four blokes, for choice.

We want four, for choice, to go out with.

Eight blokes.

Eight blokes. We're lookin' for eight blokes !

16 blokes.

16 blokes. We're lookin' for 16 blokes.

And for me mam.

32 blokes. We want 32 blokes cos, like, for me mam.

And Auntie Rita.

And Auntie Rita. Oh, 53. We'll have 53 blokes,...

..for me Auntie Rita as well.

And one more for luck.

Let's have...

54.

Shall we have another ? 63.

Let's have 63 blokes, if there's any there.

They'll be confused.

Dun't matter.

Thank you very much.

All right ?

Yeah.

D'you want to drink up ?

Why ?

I thought we'd, er,... go back to my place.

Yeah.

Yeah ?

You'll have to catch me first ! Catch me ! Catch me ! # Waaaah #

Catch me ! # Whoooo #

Catch me !

I know. We should do your hair like that dark one off that programme.

Friends ?

Nah. Erm, World At w*r ?

Who ?

You know the one. The one...

That one.

ALL: # Hey mister, stay mister wait mister, stay mister

# Hey mister, stay mister wait mister, stay mister

Voulez-vous me voir quand je me d*uche ?

Petit pain dans les mains Quand je vous tends la bouche ?

Vous n'attendrez pas, je vous le reproche Montre-moi ton banane de poche

Je m'appelle Nicole et je viens de l'ecole.

Puis-je chatouiller vos profiteroles ?

Caressez mon fruit, des petits pamplemousses.

Et je vous montrerai des mamies en douce.

ALL: # Easy-weasy ya-ya do-do whoo

# Dirty bunny nommee Lulu-ooh

# Titty titty soutien-gorge

# Voyez-vous mon soutien-gorge ?

# Pouvez-vous bomper ma poubelle, Francois ?

# Pouvez-vous bomper ma poubelle, Francois ?

# Montre-moi ton petit papapier, Francois

# Plonge dans mes bonbons sucres, Francois

J'aime beaucoup les bidets et le cul detrempe,...

..surtout quand je suis en pantoufles.

Buvez de la biere, claquez mon derriere.

Donnez-moi la tete sur ma moufle.

ALL: # Easy-weasy ya-ya do-do whoo

# Dirty bunny nommee Lulu

# Titty titty soutien-gorge

# Voyez-vous mon soutien-gorge ?

# Pouvez-vous bomper ma poubelle, Francois ?

# Pouvez-vous bomper ma poubelle, Francois ?

# Je n'ai beaucoup plus que vingt ans, Francois

# Ne me prenez pas pour dindon, Francois

# Hey mister, stay mister wait mister, stay mister

# Hey mister, stay mister wait mister, stay mister

# Hey mister, stay mister wait mister, stay mister

# Hey mister, stay mister wait, mister

# Stay #

Excuse me. Is this your boyfriend ?

Yeah.

I split up with mine yesterday. I was wondering, could I borrow yours ?

Mm.

Mm-mm.

(MURMURING)