01x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

# Where does our love lie ?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Will it soon pass me by ?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Baby, won't you tell me

# What am I to do ?

# I'm in the middle of nowhere Getting nowhere with you #

CHILDREN SCREAM EXCITEDLY

OK, who wants a drink ?

One for you. There you go.

Here's one for you. Look, Mummy's got one.

Mmm.

Doctor, Mrs Matthews would like a word. She's just out of recovery.

Oh, if I have to.

Mrs Matthews, you wanted to see me ?

I came in to have a little fat removed from my eyelid area.

Yes ?

Well, I...

It seems that rather than removing fat from my eyelid,...

..you cut off an arm and replaced it with a slightly rusty metal spike.

Did you not want the metal spike ?

No, I wanted a little fat removed from my eyelid.

And not the metal spike thing ?

No.

Maybe it was already like that.

No, it wasn't.

Maybe we can clear this up by checking the notes.

Mrs Matthews, blah-blah-blah, metal spike instead of arm.

There we are, problem solved.

You just wrote that.

Oh, what do you want ? Blood ?

I just want my arm back.

Listen, that is a major breakthrough in medical science.

I just don't want it.

I'm pushing back boundaries. Can't you open your fat eyes and see that ?

I just wanted...

It's me, me, me with you lardy-eyed whingeing patients.

I didn't expect...

Look, I'm very tired !

Do you think that mouse expected an ear grown onto its back ?

Everybody thought that was great.

Well ?

Maybe in future textbooks, your picture will be next to the mouse.

(SQUEAKS)

So, you'd better get your big, chubby old eyes done before then.

Right, what have you got today ?

I've been shopping !

< Atalanta !

Claire.

Oh, Claire, hello. Enjoy the book ?

Very much. It's a much more mature writing style...

Oh, good, good, good.

Sorry, I've left lipstick on you.

Did you like the warehouse scene ?

Oh, yes. You're spreading it around.

Oh, am I ?

To the left. Sorry, your left.

Oh, right. All gone ?

Pretty much. I can see it, but I know it's there.

I wish you every success.

Diamond ! Diamond, darling.

How are you ?

Enjoy it ?

Oh, congrats ! Fantastic !

Particularly the warehouse scene.

Good ! Is your scrummy toy boy here ?

Yes, looking particularly scrummy.

Absolutely lovely. You'll have to get him over.

Mm. And he's mine.

Um, Benj ? Benji ? Come and meet Milo. Milo, Benji.

Milo.

I've heard so much about you. Enjoy the book ?

Triumph, particularly the warehouse scene. Oh, Pfifi ! Do excuse me.

How well you look !

I am.

Hi, Benji, how are you doing ?

Guess who !

I know who that is ! Fi !

Hello, how are you ?

Marvellous. Oh, you've got...

Better-looking ? I've been going to the gym, doing the pecs and tum.

No, lipstick. You've sort of...

I have got a lot on me, haven't I ?

Anyway, how was skiing last year ?

Excuse me.

Oh, er, quiche. Yeah, thanks.

Oh, Nina, hi.

Hi. Claire.

I'm sorry, I've got some quiche on your face.

Milo !

< Bit of quiche, love.

CLOCK TICKS

BANGS DRUM AND PLAYS HARMONICA

DUCK CALL

STOPS PLAYING

Been busy ?

KNOCKING ON WINDOW

Not too bad, really. >

(MOUTHS)

Anyone you know ? >

No, I've never seen her before.

KNOCKING

Help ! Save me !

Any messages for me, Jan ?

Yeah.

I'm going to lunch. See you at 3.30.

Ooh !

Oh !

(TUTS)

(GIGGLES) I'm hiding in your fridge. Say cheese.

(SIGHS) Oh, no.

KNOCKING

Let me out !

sh*t.

You've no sense of humour. No sense of humour !

KNOCKING

GIGGLING

'Don't have a clue what they're for, but...

You knew the selectors were in. I can't believe you've done this.

You've shamed the Harrogate Harriers, you've shamed me.

Today of all days, when I've got bad throat.

I just wanted to win.

There were no need - it's your best event, the 100 metres.

Well... Well, never mind.

Why couldn't you do it normally, like in training ?

I thought if I had an engine, I'd run faster.

Your feet didn't touch the ground.

The crowd liked it.

You didn't even finish, you hovered above the blocks for 22 minutes 18.

A pissed wombat can run 100 metres faster than that.

Me engine slipped !

Yes, so you went up rather than along.

You looked stupid.

All that smoke coming out your track pants.

Looked like She-Ra or something.

I didn't know it would set fire to me bib. I only did it to cheer you up.

Janine,...

..it was cheating.

OK. All right.

Start again. OK.

Right. So we're gonna do the next six events...

..without the engine, all right ?

I don't want to see whizzing arms for the javelin.

ENGINE STARTS

RHYTHMIC CLANKING AND CLAPPING

148

I love art.

It sounds fantastic. What was it called again ?

I can't remember. Oh, Nobody Helps Anybody. It was great.

LIFT BELL

Are you all right ?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You're not, are ya ?

No.

< What's the matter ?

I'm so depressed.

What ?

DEPRESSED !

Depressed ? Oh.

CAR HORNS

You should see someone about that.

I did.

Did he give you anything ?

Yeah. Prozac.

Oh, what's that like ?

HORNS

It's rubbish, innit ? >

I feel really dizzy all the time.

You've been round a mini roundabout six times.

Have I ?

Yeah.

Are we gonna be here all day ?

Could you be any more insensitive ? Can you not see she's unhappy ?

Sorry.

HORNS

I keep thinking "What's the point ?"

I might as well drive this bus over a bloody cliff.

You mustn't bottle your feelings up or you get violent.

Look, for God's sake...

It's my sh1tting bus, all right ?

Sorry.

Oh, are you crying ?

No.

It looked like you were.

Could you let me off ?

I am gonna give you such a slap in a minute.

Some people can be so bloody unfeeling.

HORNS CONTINUE TO BLARE

This'll cheer you up, right.

I just done the whole morning with no trolleys on.

No !

Yeah, look.

HORNS

All right !

Nobody knows.

You slag ! (LAUGHS)

Ta-ra.

SQUELCHING

LOUD SQUELCHING

RYTHMIC SQUELCHING

BUBBLING

(LAUGHS)

Come on, it's all right.

Come on.

ALARM

SIRENS

BANGING ON DOOR

Oops.

BLOWS PARTY HOOTER

I've got an obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I'm obsessed with hygiene.

Everything has to be clean all the time.

Unfortunately, I'm also bone-b*stard-idle.

Hello. I'm looking...

I'm looking... I'm looking for a...

..short bloke.

Un momento.

PHONE RINGS

DIALLING TONE

I look terrible. Look at all my lines.

You're not paranoid about being old?

I look old.

You don't, silly.

How old do you think I am ?

No, don't ask me that.

Go on, guess.

No, I'm usually out by at least ten years. People get upset.

I won't, I'm just curious.

No.

Take ten years off so you don't upset me.

That's what I do, but it still...

Oh, go on. Please.

All right. 30... 32.

32 ? What, you thought I was 42 ?

I said 32.

But you take ten years off.

I said this would happen.

Yeah, but 42 ?!

Well, how old are you ?

I'm 32.

That's what I said.

You meant 42.

It's impossible to tell. You can't tell how old I am.

I could guess.

Go on, then.

Well,... 28.

Yeah, I am. I am 28. Yeah.

I'm 42 !

I'm 42 !

No, you're not, you're 28.

Yeah, I know.

Darling, smile at the camera. I'm Caroline, I'm a single mother.

Say hello to the camera, darling. Wave. Say hello to your new daddy.

Erm, this is... Say hello to your new daddy.

This is Arthur. We're looking for a new daddy. Any shape, size, colour.

Doesn't have to have a job, just good at cleaning up poo.

Poo-poo. I say poo-poo.

So, yeah, just... He's a bit tired. Wave bye-bye to your new daddy.

Bye-bye, new daddy, don't leave us.

Mummy ! Mummy !

We'll have a daddy soon, sweetheart.

(CRIES)

We're quite happy. Settled.

# You're feeling washed out What's life all about ?

# You'll scream and you'll shout and go out of your mind

# Oh baby, you'll never win The world's like a bin

# With lots of things in that you can't really find

# Do something quite spontaneous It's time to take a ride

# Don't matter if you break it Just bounce from side to side

# It can be fairly dangerous So stick your arms out wide

# Turn around

# And around

# Get on down, you gotta help us go tumbling round

# Turn around

# And around

# Get on down, you gotta help us go tumbling round

# And around and around and around and around

# Life is unfair but I don't care

# Just need some hot air to blow it away

# If you start looking for

# A little bit more

# Your head will get sore It'll ruin your day

# There's far too much to think about So just don't even try

# Make your head all empty Avoid the question why

# Thinking is for wankers We're born, we dance, we die

# Turn around and around

# Get on down, you gotta help us go stumbling round

# Turn around

# And around

# Get on down, you gotta help us go stumbling round

# Turn around

# Tumbling, stumbling, tumbling, stumbling

# Tumbling, stumbling, stumbling round

# Turn around #

PHONE RINGS

STOPS RINGING