01x07 - Episode 7

[bunniefuu]

# Where does our love lie ?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Will it soon pass me by ?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Baby, won't you tell me

# What am I to do ?

# I'm in the middle of nowhere

# Getting nowhere with you #

He comes across as sensitive, know what I mean ?

No. (GIGGLES) You don't see that every day.

Exactly. I'm pretty sure he's single, too.

(GASPS)

So what you gonna do about it ?

Should I make a move ?

(GIGGLES)

Go for it.

# Ta-ra-ra bumps-a-day My knickers flew away

# They went on holiday They came back yesterday

# I wear them every day Apart from today

# They're in my pocket Hip hip hip hip hooray #

sh*t. I forgot the words. Do you think he noticed ?

Melanie. What are you doing ?

(NERVOUSLY) Stacking shelves.

What with ?

I kn.. I know what you're gonna say.

What ?

That I shouldn't have done Toilet Duck on all the shelves.

Every shelf, on every aisle, in the whole supermarket.

Yeah.

The place is stacked with Toilet Duck

Is it ?

Yeah, it is.

Sorry.

What you thinking of ?

I was thinking... then I started thinking about something else.

You've Toilet Ducked the place.

I must have got distracted. I'm sorry.

Sorry isn't good enough.

Where's all the potatoes, the shampoos, the... ?

I could get fired from head office. If I'd done this, I'd be crying.

How do you think the customers will react when they see all this ?

Quite surprised ?

Supermarkets don't sell one thing !

I thought it would run out.

I'll unstack it.

I'll have to sack you.

(DUCK VOICE) Quack quack.

(HIGH VOICE) Please don't sack me.

Doesn't help anyone that, does it ?

(QUIETLY) No.

(TALKING QUIETLY)

Excuse me.

Oh, hello. I'm Before.

Hello. I'm After.

Can we help you at all with...

BOTH: ..a new range of... colours ?

I'm looking for a self-help book.

Over there under SelfHelp. Help yourself !

Thanks.

I'm after something for a woman... who's in her 30s, maybe called Jan...

..who's in a long-term relationship, possibly too long term.

Should she stay with the man and have children or start again and move on ?

Have you read Should You Stay With A Man And Have Children Or Start Again And Move On ?

Yeah, I thought it was a bit vague.

I want something about selfish men called Bob,...

..who are married with kids, and don't want more children.

Bob And How To Survive Him ?

Didn't help.

Dumping Bob ?

If only.

The Inner Jan ?

Scary ! Something more practical ?

Delia Smith's Cooking For Jan ?

Not that practical.

Something about Jan moving to the Lake District and becoming a vet.

Gorgeous boyfriend, who could be a vet, too.

With a chapter on how it can get hectic, but it's saving animals !

Land Rover, snow, friends who bring round stew, babies. Who knows ?

Have you got a book on how to become that ?

Just go, Jan.

Just Go, Jan. Yes ! I like the sound of that !

It's not a book.

Steve, tell us about that goal.

Darren played a great ball and I was at the end of it.

And how did you feel ? Fulfilled ?

Yeah. Darren played a great ball and I got a toe on it and it went in.

But how did you feel ? Here for the first time against your old club ?

What was in your heart and soul ?

Darren played a great ball, and I was just there on the end of it.

We're talking about the last minute.

Something deep, raw, emotional in you.

What I'm asking is how did you feel?

Darren played a great ball through..

No, no, no ! Just tell me how you felt !

I er...

Yes ?

I thought...

Not "thought". Felt !

I felt...

Yes, tell me. What did you feel ?

I felt...

Oh, God !

Yes, I know it's hard. Let it all come out. Let it all come out.

I fe... felt...

Oh, why do I hate my mother ?

I shouldn't hate my mother, should I ?

That was a wonderful party.

Yes, it was.

And you looked absolutely stunning.

Did I ?

Yes. You did.

LONG AND LOUD FART

(GIGGLES) Windypops !

(SIGHS) Cabbage bottom !

(LAUGHS) You're so gorgeous.

CHAINS RATTLE

FLY BUZZES

Jonathan ?

Yep.

Jonathan ?!

How many times have you been told ?

Tell me really.

I am called Jonathan.

She has every day for three years ! She is called Jonathan !

Bollocks !

(SIGHS)

Is it only three years ?

Have you got ID ?

Course not ! I'm a hostage !

OK, look, shush.

I spy with my... imagination something beginning with SS.

Sea sick.

Yeah.

CHAINS RATTLE

These are excellent references.

Thank you.

Four languages, Microsoft Word, HGV licence, contact with the public.

There's one thing that isn't here.

What ?

Are you lovely ?

Yes. I am... lovely.

How lovely on a scale of 1 to 10 ?

S-six. Seven !

Good. We insist that our employees are always lovely, and I think you are - lovely.

Thank you.

Could you be lovely for £4 an hour ?

£4 an hour ?

That's what we'd start you off on.

Some feel they may not be so lovely.

That's not a problem.

Really ?

Absolutely. Er, that'd be lovely.

Lovely ! I'll see you on Monday.

Lovely.

# MELLOW MUSIC

158

159

SIREN

WPC Barnes ?

This has got to stop, Melanie.

What ?

I've had a call from Mrs Arlow.

PC Kane. I believe this involves you, as well.

< I think you'd better tell me what happened.

Well, we arrived at Midmoor Drive at 11.28.

Mrs Arlow answered and she was surprised to see us.

We said "Can we come in ?" and she said yes, so we went in.

We sat her down and said we were sorry but we had found her husband.

And that he was dead.

Right, go on.

She became distressed and wanted to know how, so we told her.

We told her about the multiple stabbing.

And you did all this with your faces painted like Spanky The Weasel ?

We thought it would soften the blow, brighten things up.

Things aren't so bad after all.

BOTH: Grrr !

I must check this. You then painted her face ?

Yeah.

She sort of went into shock, we didn't know what to do, so we...

Gave her a Spider Man.

She's extremely angry.

Is she ? She was rocking back and forth like that.

It's hard to get the webbing straight.

You could still tell it was Spidey.

It was an interesting idea, taken too far.

This was grossly insensitive and very, very... bad.

Ma'am, in our defence, when we were painting Mrs Arlow as Spider Man...

..and she was doing that, and Greg was trying to hold her still,...

..and the red was going down her neck and...

..it was very, very funny.

Just lose the zoo !

I think she's very angry this time.

On a scale of one to ten, she's nine

She's nine, nine and a half.

CHAINS RATTLE

# ARAB MUSIC

Did you change your name to Jonathan so you could join a golf club ?

Can you actually, can you just stop it now !

You'd think I had a beard or something.

You as good as do.

Are you like the man in a l*sbian relationship ?

No !

Oh, God ! I can't stand it !

If she was, then that would be OK, would it ?

Yeah ! It would be better.

Jonathan ?

What is wrong with being called Jonathan ?

Will you stop doing that ?

It is so irritating !

You used to like that.

That was before we found out her name

No-one's ever asked me my name.

(SARCASTICALLY) What's your name ?

Mark.

Hello. My name's Clare. I'm self-employed.

I like... volleyball, backgammon and, er, mucking around in the garden.

Erm... that's it really. Er, oh, I live in Epping.

(Is that right ?)

(WEST COUNTRY) Hello, there. My name is Eric and I work as a bus driver.

My hobbies include darts, crosswords... watching television.

I'm quite interested in finding the right lady, settling down.

I think I'd make a good husband and father.

I'm not a woman.

Not.

(AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) I live in this house with three artists.

One's a bassist. She's kinda sweet. Not very good.

(AUSTRALIAN) You know, playing the bass, right, is, well, it's my life.

I live for playing the bass.

It's not really good for my ears but I don't care. Just don't care.

The other one's a ballet dancer.

I don't like her... much.

(AUSTRALIAN) Who's been using my Clover ?

What ?

I wanna sandwich. There's no Clover.

What ?

(ANGRY) There's no Clover !

All right, I'll get some later.

Even though it's not my turn. >

I must have it now !

I have a punishing schedule. I dance six/seven hours a day.

They don't understand.

We've got a rapport together. I guess because we're both musicians

Rock and chamber music aren't that different.

But we really don't like the ballet dancer.

We don't like her.

At all.

'If you're chilling out, she always pirouettes in front of you.'

'Very inconsiderate.'

'It's in your face.'

She's so bendy, bending everywhere.

Ballet is the greatest physical high

You can never understand. I'm in constant pain.

Hi, guys !

I'm not a guy !

I am muscular because I am a dancer. I am not a guy !

What ?!

(WHIMPERS) Ow !

I have to do this to my lips because they get sore.

My embouchure.

Get up ! GET UP !

I have to have Clover for my embouchure.

That is mine !

No, it's very sore.

Give it to me !

I've got an exam tomorrow.

Oh, good luck, mate. >

# BASS GUITAR

You know, if I die, I'd really... I'd like to come back as Bill Wyman.

It'd be so cool.

I can play a bit like him, I think.

FLUTE & BASS CLASH

(POSH) I'm Tara, and I shout my name during sex.

Not once, but over and over again.

If I'm really enjoying myself, I shout my whole name -

..Tara Jane Elizabeth Featherstonehaugh.

And occasionally my nickname -

..Mallard.

If this is no problem, give me a ring

Or, if you shout your name during sex, ring me.

(SEXY & SULTRY) My name is Mar-cieee.

I live in London.

And I'm an independent film mak-errrr.

And I'm hot. I'm sh*t hot.

And I want a man, I wanna man who... who gorges himself (GROWLS) on today

..after sicking up yesterday and who has already ordered double helpings of tomorrow.

So, if you, you, you want to f-f*ck art, screw artifice, shag an artist,

..call me.

(NORMAL VOICE) And cut ! Fantastic. Thanks.

It's a wrap.

# ARAB MUSIC

Did your parents...

No, I've got two elder brothers.

Andrew and Rufus.

Rufus ? That's unusual.

They're sort of hippy liberals.

Is it a stage name ?

No.

Are you a Mormon ?

No.

Twenty questions.

Are you alive ?

Yeah.

Are you Elvis ?

(HESITANT) Yeah.

Excuse me.

Madam, excuse me.

Would you like to try some mace ?

(GROANS & SCREAMS)

I've got one, I've got one.

(SQUEAKY) He-lp ! He-lp !

(LOW) I'll get you if it's the last thing I do !

Wacky Races.

And The Hooded Claw.

What about this ? # Aw ju-ju-ju-ju

Clangers !

LAUGHTER

Let me do it ! # Ju-ju-ju #

Clangers !

(HIGH VOICE) Heave ! Heave ! We will fix it ! We will fix it !

Bagpuss, Bagpuss.

OK, I've got one, right. >

(MONSTER VOICE) I re-turn the lem-on !

(MONSTER VOICE) I re-turn the lem-on !

Fatty Cows.

You must know Fatty Cows.

Fatty Cows ?

# Fatty Cows, Fatty Cows, doesn't play with other sow-ows #

No ?

(MONSTER VOICE) b*mb the chicken !

No ? It was brilliant, Fatty Cows.

Maybe it's just an age thing, cos I'm a bit younger.

I remember it. Big cows, fat ones.

Pigs.

WIND HOWLS

# ROCK MUSIC

ALL: # Here I am on my big roof

# It sure looks very empty from your eyes

# Nothing could be further from the truth

# There's a scooter with three wheels

# And a beach ball with a stopper at one end

# My friend found it in a photo booth

# What a stroke of luck she found it

# I've got a beach ball and a scooter

# Oh, look, is that the British Library ?

# I'm having Haagen-Dazs for breakfast

# Le le le

# Take me to the library

# I wish I was a builder

# Paaah-aah #

Oh, Jimmy.

Come round.

Holly ?

Phoebe ?

Milly ?

Rhianna ?

Gemma ?

Lorraine ?

Paula ?

Yeah ?

Ha-ha ! Ha ! I knew !

Oh ! sh*t !

Had you going, though.

You cow !

You played the plonker.

We have a laugh, don't we ?

That's not funny !

(STUPID VOICE) Jonathan. Were you born with that name...

..or are there medical reasons?

(ALL SIGH)