02x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

# Where does our love lie ?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Where does he pass me by ?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Baby, won't you tell me

# What am I to do ?

# I'm in the middle of nowhere, getting nowhere with you #

Sorry I'm late but I had to get the 48, then a 25.

I thought this place was next to work. Why do you... ?

Yes, but I like to get the bus.

Oooh !

BOTH: Thanks.

Frothy coffee. Fantastic.

I've heard people...

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they drink.

Really ? What kind of things ?

Er, well, I could probably tell...

..er...

a lot about what you're like in bed.

True, apparently.

Really ?

Mm.

Apparently it's because the mouth is such a... seductive part of the body

You can, er,...

It's sort of... quite expressive.

Ahem.

There's...

..probably nothing in that.

Just a bit of...

OK ?

Mm, lovely.

(SLURPS)

It's probably just... made up...

(GARGLES)

Don't think there's anything in it.

Oh.

Look, £3.20 for a pint of prawns.

It's gone cold. Could I have another?

Ow !

Sorry.

Ow !

Sorry ! Get it cut !

It's feminine !

# DRUM AND BASS

Excuse me.

Hiya.

Have you got the wedding list for Jane Havers and Peter Croft ?

(MUTTERS)

Havers and Croft, yeah ?

< Mm.

Yeah, here it is.

I-it's on there ? Really ?

Yeah.

What sort of... things... ?

There's not much left, I'm afraid. Breathing-restriction helmet, £54.

Or... scrotal clamps, they're 45.75.

I'm sorry, scrotal clamps ?

It's a clamp for the scrotum.

Thank you very much.

Do you want to see that ?

Yeah.

No ! No, thank you.

Er...

There's a Black Mamba. 74.95.

Sorry, Black Mamba ?

That would be a... ?

It's just a huge rubber c*ck.

Isn't it ? Is it ?

Yeah. Would you like to see that ?

Yeah.

No.

No.

We were just thinking of 20, £25.

Bit less, yeah.

Oh, butt plugs.

They're like plugs for the...

I understand.

They want two of those. 10.99 each.

Butt plugs.

Butt plugs.

"With love from Kathy and Edward."

PHONES

Wow !

She's beautiful, isn't she ?

What's her name ? She really is one very attractive chicita and a half.

She's... Yeah, you know... Yeah.

Cooorrrr !

She's... she's lovely.

She's all right.

All right ? She's gorgeous.

Everything is perfect, look at her.

Look at her hair, body, the way she moves.

(Look at her mouth.)

(BLOWS)

You're not going... Are you ?

What ?

You know, peculiar ?

Can't a woman appreciate a woman and not be accused of that ?

I suppose.

That is so sad.

I'm not in doubt about my sexuality. I've been going out with...

Dean.

..Dean for three weeks nearly now.

I think I'd have found out by now.

(PANTS)

I'm not allowed to pant now ?

According to Jenny,...

..she's got a girlfriend.

What do you mean ?

She's in a relationship with a woman.

She's a poof ?!

BOTH: Ugh !

Ugh ! Ugh !

I've gone right off her now.

(SWILLS)

You'll be pleased to know I don't think you've got monkey flu.

All I can do for you is prescribe a placebo.

A placebo ?

Right. Have you taken one before ?

No, but a placebo's not a drug.

No, it isn't.

It has no actual effect.

Right.

The patient thinks it's medicine but it's a vitamin C tablet.

That's exactly what it is.

I need something more than that.

In clinical tests, they find placebos have the same effect...

..as the drug they're replacing.

So I'll give...

If the patient thinks it's real.

Yes.

It's psychological.

Yeah.

You've told me it's a placebo, so it's not going to work.

No, it isn't.

My mistake. Sorry.

Er...

So, what I'll do is I'm probably going to give you a real drug.

Erm, what I'm going to do is give you a little course...

..of Rema...

..hema...

..dema foxulin.

Foxulin.

Which is a decoagulant...

No, hang on. You've just put Rema-hema-dema whatsit...

..and put "vitamin C" in brackets.

Brrr-brrr.

Brrr-brrr.

Hello ?

Oh, is there ? Big accident, emergency you want me to come to.

Oh, OK. I'm...

(Sorry.)

I'm... I'm just coming.

Bye.

I've suddenly got to go,...

..so just make yourself at home...

..or go home, whatever you like.

(SIGHS)

BEEP

(POSH, SLURRED) I've had it with London ! London can kiss it !

The men here in London...

..have just seen it all, been there, done that.

You give them as much as a hint that you're keen...

..and you are pissing up a tree with no wellies on.

So I'm... off to the country.

I'm looking for somebody who's good with pigs,...

..someone with a knowledge of fields.

And, er, of course,...

..huge, huge, um,...

..wine cellar.

Ha-ha, gotcha !

Sense of humour - very important.

Um...

Get up there ! Get up there !

Now !

What's your name ?

Have you been working here long ?

You !

You're not going to speak to me, then ? Huh ?

I don't care.

I'm going to the country.

BEEP

(SCOTTISH) Hello. My name's Kirsty,

..and I'd like to meet a g*y man...

..who fancies women.

Or at least one who's prepared to pretend.

# GENTLE TWEE MUSIC

Cut it.

That's lovely. I'm just not... A little problem with the accent.

Talk to Frankie.

Right. Big problem ?

No, it's... Just do something.

Hi.

Thanks, darling.

Staten Island, one of the more difficult American accents...

..but don't worry. I'll read a line, then you repeat it back to me.

Sure, great.

OK ?

Yeah.

(NASAL) "What is it wit' you ? Quit bustin' my a*s for five minutes."

(WELL SPOKEN) Both surfaces must be dry before the glue is applied.

OK...

We'll try that again.

"What is it wit' you ? Quit bustin' my a*s for five minutes."

Both surfaces must be dry before the glue is applied.

"Bohth" ! I can't get it to go in.

Um, it's not really the accent, it's more the actual words that seems to be the problem.

I'll talk to Kim.

No. We'll work with what we've got.

We'll try it one word at a time.

Great, OK, sure.

Yeah ? OK.

What !

Both.

No, no. What.

Both.

What.

Both.

Right, OK. Um...

Try the whole thing again. So it's "What is it with you ?"

"Quit busting my arse for five minutes."

"What is it with me ? Quit busting my arse for five minutes." OK, OK.

Both surfaces must be dry before the glue is applied.

Right. Um. OK.

Stick with those words, just try and make them more American.

Of course, yeah.

Both soiifisses must be droii befoiire the gloo is apploiied.

< Right, you try.

(POSH) Pierce film lid in several places.

Pierce film lid in several... >

I've got it. Pierrrce.

Pi-errrce film lid.

Justin, I've got it. Pi-errrce.

OK, I'm ready. >

Two more of them, two, and a scotch.

No, I was before you. I'm sorry.

John, I've got you a beer.

I was...

Have you ? No, I'll get one anyway.

Make it another one.

I was before her.

Thanks, cheers.

Me now.

Uh !

Thank you.

Got any cigarettes ?

No, it's my turn. Me.

Your machine's broken.

Only lites. >

Fine. Give us 20 lites, mate.

Ahem !

Actually, I'd serve her first. I can... I can wait.

Thanks. Could I have a water ?

Tap.

Ice and lemon ?

No, thanks, just plain.

# Scoot, scoot, scoot, scoot

# Ah, coochicoo, I'm with you... #

BEEP

(NORTHWESTERN) I won't do it on a first date.

So don't sit there during the meal wondering if it'll happen. It won't.

Even if I accept a dessert off of you.

As far as I'm concerned, dessert doesn't mean anything.

There are girls that use the accepting of a dessert...

..as some kind of code for "Yes, I will do it on a first date."

But not me.

On a first date I get nervous and I eat a lot...

..and I can't do it when I'm full.

BEEP

(OVERENUNCIATED) I'm a beautiful lady

..with long golden hair and huge breasts.

When you date me, I'm going to hug your breath away.

I can go all night if you want me to.

Come. Come aboard the love train.

CHAIR SQUEAKS

Well ?

This is it.

Oh...

Rona, what's the matter ?

You're beautiful.

Oh...

(SOBS)

I-I...

I'm a...

..spinster !

Oh, no, you're not.

A big old spinster of the parish !

You're not.

I'm Spinster Rona.

Everyone'll say "There goes Spinster Rona with long ears, baggy skirts."

They won't.

I'll have a little dog, with bogies in its eye. It won't bark, just go..

(SNUFFLES)

Um,...

at least you've not got facial hair.

I have, actually. I've got a bit there, on my chin.

Just a bit.

Shall I just take it off ?

No, it's all right.

< (WHIMPERS)

No, I'll just... get changed, take it off.

OK.

Can we go and get something for me ?

(WHISTLES A TUNE)

Ooh !

BEEP

We're two g*y women.

Is there anyone out there who would be interested in...

..sharing our bed with us,...

..who's male ?

It's a long shot, because we are a couple, a g*y couple,...

..and both in love.

With each other.

But if...

..there was anybody...

..who'd like to... watch, or... or...

He doesn't have to join in, but if he wanted to, that would be great.

Teach us, or...

Or not, just be passive, or...

..active.

Anyone at all.

It's a long shot.

Age and size...

..doesn't matter.

Looks unimportant.

Just teach us how to pleasure him.

Yeah.

It would be nice for us, but we realise it's...

Yeah.

..a bit of a long shot.

Yeah. Yeah.

Thanks... for listening.

Thanks.

(It's not gonna work.)

(I don't think it's gonna work.)

(Smile.)

The lost-property bin is filled to overflowing. It's so sweet.

Oh, that cake, that cake looks nice.

I haven't baked for ages. You deserve it.

Tea ?

Yes, please.

Right. Sugar ?

Where is the sugar ?

In the kitchen.

Yes, I think I will. Thanks.

They're so sweet when they do their warming-up exercises.

It's just... really rewarding work.

Right.

Oh.

Did I just bring the cake in ?

I thought I just brought a cake in.

Mmm...

Did you actually make a cake ?

I'm sure I did.

I must be going mad.

Oh, well.

Very strange.

I could have sworn I made a cake.

Would you like some tea ?

Erm...

Yes, please, that would be great.

Sugar ?

I don't think I should.

Oh, go on. Half.

# Ah-ah

# Ah-ah

# Ah

# Ah-ah

# It's so cold outside

# It's even colder when you get insi-hide

# I have to wear big clothes

# Maybe a trench coat or a Parka

# I suppo-hose

# A thermal ve-est

# And runny no-ose

# I don't want to get Marmite

# On my clothes

# The boiler doesn't work, it just makes it worse

# Makes it worse

# Knowing there's a thing that's supposed to make me warmer

# The boiler doesn't work, it just makes it worse

# Makes it worse

# Looking at that lump of metal

# Filling up the kettle

# The pressure is 0.3

# I bled the system, then the system bled me-ee

# The gas man didn't call

# I wrote him a sonnet to explain it a-all

# I wanted wa-armth

# Or empathy-ee

# Instead the gasman's wife

# Just swore at me-ee

# The boiler doesn't work, it just makes it worse

# Makes it worse

# Knowing there's a thing that's supposed to make me warmer

# The boiler doesn't work, it just makes it worse

# Makes it worse

# Looking at that lump of metal

# Filling up the kettle

# Ooh-ooh

# Where's the instruction book ?

# Where's the instruction book ?

# Where should I start to look ?

# Oh-oh...

# I might die #

BOTH: Ooh !