02x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

# Where does our love lie ?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Will it soon pass me by ?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Baby, won't you tell me

# What am I to do ?

# I'm in the middle of nowhere

# Gettin' nowhere with you #

I didn't not like it, but I thought the hype.. It wasn't what I thought.

I was quite scared. I was, but she was annoying, wasn't she ?

She was, definitely.

Not the hair. Don't touch it.

I did. I don't, you know, but anyway...

It wasn't that long, was it ? It wasn't value for money, either.

No, but we can get back to...

Don't touch. What are you doing ?

You've got a bit that's annoying.

You know I don't like it. Just don't

But it would look...

Leave the hair alone !

What are you doing ? Don't touch !

It'd look better on the other side.

Don't touch my hair !

Don't touch my hair ! Why ?

Because it's... Look, urgh ! It's annoying, isn't it ?

I quite like it.

But I do mind it so...

You don't like it when people...

So just leave it.

Cos it just would...

Leave the hair alone. It's not important, is it ?

I just thought they could have, you know...

I know it's a double thing of...

Can we get the check, mate, please ?

Can we have the bill, please ?

I've decided I do fancy my cousin, which is a bit of a downer.

Blimey! It's a bit close, isn't it ?

Yeah, it is a little bit.

Have you ever fancied your cousin ?

I've never fancied my cousin.

Watch that tree !

THUD !

Gillian, would you sign your name, please ?

No, no. Signature.

What're you doing ?

Oh. Don't I have to sign my name ?

< Yes.

Yes.

Is that your signature ?

Yeah.

What ?

It's that big ?

Have you never seen my signature before ?

No, no, no, no.

I didn't know you wrote like that.

I really had no idea.

I wish I'd known you wrote like that.

It's very,... very... spirally, isn't it ?

I don't... I don't know.

I just always sign like this.

It's massive. It's selfish.

Where am I going to sign ?

In the G ? Or over there ?

Oh, come on, Nick,...

..does it really matter ?

No, not smiley faces over the I's.

Nick, get a grip.

It's my wedding. I'm not doing crying ones. I'm s'posed to be happy

If I don't sign this now, where do I stand,...

< ..legally, as it were ?

You have taken your vows before God and this congregation.

Yeah.

Nick, just... sign.

It's going to be very confusing if you don't sign. Can you just sign ?

I'm just going to pop for a quick poo.

He's probably not gone... for one, has he ?

I'll just go and check.

Yeah.

Nothing wrong with that, is there ?

No. I think it's really nice.

No-one's ever said anything before.

Except the bank.

And they just gave me a bigger chequebook in the end.

SINISTER BASSOON MUSIC

What's this compound 52907 doing in the distillation tube ?

I don't know, and actually...

It's not going anywhere.

I'm having a problem.

I'll call Wendy over.

No. No.

Why not ?

You are joking, aren't you ?

What ?

Because of her problem.

What problem ?

Her body odour.

Oh, I didn't notice.

I can't believe you haven't noticed. It's like... (GAGS)

Oh.

Did somebody say "Wendy" ? >

Oh, erm. Hi, Wendy. Erm...

I was having a problem. Could you help me with this clamp ?

Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah.

Because I needed two hands.

(D'you see what I mean ?)

Yeah. Actually, that's fine.

Yeah ?

Yeah. Thanks.

Nothing else ?

(Say something. Say something.)

Actually, there is something else.

OK, it's difficult for me to say this but, erm, you've got terrible BO.

What ?

You've got terrible body odour.

No, I haven't.

No, you have.

You really, really have.

I haven't !

How do you explain the fact, and I'm being scientifically objective now...

OK, sure, yeah.

That you stink.

That was a bit horrible.

I'm not being nasty. I want to help.

It's just a question of fundamental personal hygiene.

All you have to do in the morning is perhaps... (SNIFFS)

Hold on. (SNIFFS)

(GAGS)

Wendy, I do apologise.

It appears to be me.

See ?

Hang on a sec.

That never happened until you came over.

Weird.

(SNIFFS)

Wendy, take a couple of steps back.

Yeah. OK. >

It's gone.

Right, forward. Come forward.

It's back.

Ladies, I think we're on the threshold of something wonderful.

Don't tell James.

Don't tell him.

No.

No, we mustn't do that.

We could write it down just for us.

Right.

OK. Deal ?

Right.

Right. Wendy, could... ? D'you mind going back a bit ? Backing off ?

Right.

Phew !

TONE

What I won't tolerate is a man who's not prepared to make the effort.

I mean, I'm not asking for flowers or chocolates.

Just the occasional glance, y'know, would be nice.

# I may not be a lady

# But I'm all woman

# Monday to Friday, I work harder than you know

# I'm no classy lady

# But I'm all woman

Your mates don't have to know about me...

..but I'm quite good in social situations.

I'm not asking for the world, just a bit of looking, a bit of touching,

..you know, occasionally.

What, so I just wait now, do I ?

Can I smoke in here ?

No.

TONE

I'm an average-lookin'...

Ooh ! I'm forgettin' you can see me.

Hello !

I'm a beautician...

..and I'm lookin' for a bloke with a stammer and a ginormous beard.

Otherwise I'm not fussed. So...

..stammer...

..and beard.

Stammer...

..and beard.

St-St-St-Stammer...

..and beard.

I've only been gone a week. I could do without this, Susie.

You can never have too many penguins

Where shall we put them all ?

Where the lions were.

"Were" ?!

We had to let them go. They weren't cost-effective.

Go ? Go ? Go ? Go where ?

I don't know. That was up to the lions. Burger King, I presume.

Jo, it was in the business plan you authorised.

I didn't authorise the release of the big cats !

You did, yeah, yeah.

Did I ?

Here we go.

"Rationalising the big cats". There's a signature there and there.

The lions aren't efficient. They won't come out.

They're arrogant and potentially violent.

They're supposed to be. They're lions

You can't feed one animal expensive chunks of meat and another peas.

Who have you been feeding peas to ?

The snakes !

You haven't read this, have you ?

Look, I-I-I skimmed through it.

I must have missed the bits about the lions.

That took me twelve weeks.

It's a false economy getting rid of the lions. People come to see them.

If you'd read this, you'd know I don't agree. They want the penguins.

You can't sack them ! You're not a zoo if it's just penguins !

I haven't. I've promoted the emus.

The kookaburras are involved in running the zoo.

The penguins are just a bit of fun.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

What- ?

Just drive !

Hey, hang- ! sh*t !

Drive !

What the hell are you doing ?

I've got a g*n. Just pretend you know me.

sh*t !

Just keep goin' straight !

(SNIFFS)

What's that smell ?

What smell ?

That-That smell ! That... Urgh ! That's really disgusting.

Can't smell anything.

Have you farted ?

No.

You've farted ! I don't believe it !

I was in here on my own.

Now that's really horrible.

Can we just not talk about it ?

(SNIFFS) But Jesus !

This is embarrassing. I didn't know you would jump in.

It's too much! I'll have to get out!

Oh, look, it's not that bad.

It's terrible.

Open the window. It'll be gone in a sec.

Forget it. I'll hijack another car.

< Open the window.

No ! Just pull over !

< I'm sorry.

Look, I'm really going to have to go.

Right, good luck !

I'm really sorry.

It'll take five minutes.

It'll take ten and if we're late...

This is heavy. Have you got a pocket to shove that in ?

She strapped herself to the bed...

Can you put that in as well ?

I was trying to do all I could...

If you could hold these books...

D'you need that ?

Pete, can you take this bag as well?

Why did you bring all this ?

Well, I just need it.

Pete, d'you know what ?

I'm just still feeling a bit heavy.

Right.

It's not fair, you know, to make me look an idiot again.

OK, what have you got for us ?

Well, it's remarkable. It's not at all what I was expecting.

In fact, it's not like anything I've seen before.

Can we take a look ?

Sure.

If you look at this image here ...

epidural haemorrhage due to arterial tearing after a skull fracture.

What you'd expect to f-

What you'd expect to find...

What you'd expect to find ra...

What you'd expect to find is a depression in the bony cortex...

Shall I give you a hand ?

No, no. Leave it, leave it.

What is on the X-ray ?

Depression in the bony cortex bearing no relation to intercranial abnormalities...

< Well, we do...

No, no ! Could you leave it ?

It can stay on the bloody floor !

Listen...

No, I send it to you.

Could you just leave, leave it ?

Naughty, naughty, naughty, naughty, naughty !

Those very important people, it was very NAUGHTY !

OK, you do it now, yeah ? Go on, then ! Go on, then ! Go on ! Go on !

Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha ! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha ! Oh, so funny, yeah ?

Aaaaagh !

INAUDIBLE

SLEAZY GO-GO DANCING MUSIC

TONE

I collect cups of tea and flies, but I don't take it too seriously.

Plenty of people have more different cups of tea or types of fly.

That is more tellin' about them than about me.

I deliberately collect but I collect in moderation.

I have a few cups of tea and a few different types of fly, which is fine

Don't worry that I'll ignore you because of my hobby, but I know people who might.

TONE

Hello. My name's Louise. It's a bit boring, really.

I'm not boring, though. My middle name's not boring, either.

It's Maffanarellanazeena.

Just made that up.

TONE

..fun to be with. I'm fun, fun to be with.

I'm fun to be with. I'm fun to be with.

Just go when you're ready. >

I'm fun to be with.

I collect livestock.

I've got 748... livestock... of two different types.

At the weekends, I enjoy meeting with other enthusiasts...

..to trade my livestock for other livestock, or for cash.

Technically, I'm a farmer.

I also enjoy gardening, vast tracts of land and squash.

If you enjoy...

..farming... and squash,...

..then phone me.

Lucy Scott !

Hannah !

Hello !

How are you ?

I'm very well !

Long time no see to speak, hear...

I had your number, then everything got burnt.

Oh, no !

Give it to me again cos I'm in a real rush.

Yes, me, too.

A pen... is what we need.

Pen.

Here we go. Pen. Great.

Great. Stick it on my hand...

..and I'll definitely... Ow !

I don't think that works, unfortunately. Do you have something

I've got a pencil. Here.

That won't work on your hand. Some... Some paper.

I've got some tissue.

I have a bus ticket which would be better !

We're doing very well !

Oh !

< That's broken.

Damn it ! Silly pencil !

Lippy, lippy, lippy. There.

Lipstick...

On the paper.

Gosh !

I've really got to rush, rush, rush.

No... No...

I can't read that. It's just Braille

That isn't working. Erm...

Er... Er...

What to do ?

I could scratch my number onto your glasses with a hairgrip.

No. Erm... Erm...

Spit in my bag.

Right. (SPITS)

And then erm...

I don't think that'll work. Sorry.

That's all right. Fine. Leave it.

Erm, I can lick your back.

Yeah... ?

..with my number...

..then you roll on the ground and it adheres.

No, not this coat.

< Right...

Erm... Quick ! Let's get a tattoo !

There's no time, is there ?

< I have to see you again.

Numbers. Do the...

Memorise. Memorise the numbers.

Mine. Mine. Shapton Bridge,... >

..0... 7777.

I'm never going to remember that.

Oh, gosh !

I've really got to go.

So have I. What are we going to do ?

Er, let's-let's-let's... meet here in a year...

By the tree...

..at the same time, same place.

Or sooner.

I can't.

Right. OK.

I'm married to a rock star.

< Wow !

Bye.

WOMAN: # Ha ! Sharp as tiger !

# She was an orphan child And she had so much pain

# It make her mean and wild But then she start to train

# She get biceps real big She now jump high in the air

# She learn to sweat like a pig And smash up bricks with her hair

# Sure, they have sparkly eyes But feet are deadly and rough

# They must have muscly thighs So they can fight real tough

# They better than Kung-Fu They live for here and now

# They love to show off tattoo They must not ever say "Ow !"

Ow !

# Dikwando girls !

# They fight you, Kung-smack, till you're dead

# Dikwando girls !

# Like to hurt you With lamb chop to head

# Dikwando girls !

# Heal by hurting And they never miss

# Dikwando girls !

# Kicky-kicky ! Maybe sometimes they kiss !

Accurate as kingfisher.

Strong as pand-a !

Whimsical as monkey.

# Their bootees twinkle so clear In the car park one night

# They straight from gym to here, They not expecting a fright

# But now they in for it, They must turn round, not go back

# They in big deep brown sh*t, Gangsters wait to atta-a-a-ack !

They... not... going... to... make it !

# Dikwando girls !

# Gangsters jump from some big black car !

# Dikwando girls !

# May be strong But can't run very far

# Dikwando girls !

# Gangster g*ns, They sh**t girls to bits

# Dikwando girls !

# Orphan girls, They get shot in the ankles !

# Dikwando girls !

# Dikwando girls !

# Di, di, di, di

# Dikwando girls ! #

Oooh !

(SIGHS)

Ah !