02x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

# Where does our love lie ?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Will it still pass me by ?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Baby, won't you tell me

# What am I to do ?

# I'm in the middle of nowhere

# Getting nowhere with you #

CHATTER

..I'm not that forthcoming with my thoughts and...

I don't mean...

Yes, you are - typical man this...

You say nice things.

I bought you a present.

Ahh ! You don't have to do that.

It's nothing hugely... It's just a little... thing from me to you.

(GASPS)

(HYPERVENTILATES)

(TERRIFIED) What's in the box ?! What's in the box ?!

It's OK ! What are you doing ?!

(HYSTERICAL)

Is it a spider ?!

It's not a spider.

It's not a spider. Moth ?! MOTH ?!

It's not a moth.

It's not a moth. Is it a worm ?!

No.

No. I just don't like surprises !

Nice and calm. Look ! Ahhh !

(PANTS) >

Arrrrggggghhhhhh !

SMASHING AND BANGING

Ahhh !

Ahhhh ! It's a little ring !

OK ?

Ah ! Cheers !

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

(SPEAKS ITALIAN)

Arrivederci !

Adios !

One must consider first when looking at the effectiveness of a company, the competitive-positionaudit.

As in, how competitive are they to similar players in the same business environment ?

Fortunately, we've got a pretty good understanding of the market place.

(BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY)

We're 27 !

27 !

(BOTH LAUGH)

MOBILE PHONE

Franca ? Si, si.

Io parlato.

Excellent news.

Excuse me ?

Yeah ?

There are stickers on most of these. I don't think they're overexposed.

They're mainly on him. He looked a bit shifty so I stickered him.

That is so cheeky, excuse me !

He's my fiance, practically.

You're not gonna marry him ?

I probably am, yeah !

By frame nine, he's got his arm round you, looking at someone else.

He isn't ! Actually, there was a remarkable ice sculpture about there

..so he's probably looking at that.

I thought that, but if you cross-reference it with frame 17.

You can't really see on this.

Because you've put a quality-control warning over his eyes !

No, it's the size. OK.

You don't have to pay for this. It's just for myself.

You can't go making people's holiday photos massive ! I look terrible ! Look at my arm ! I looklike a bat !

Well, he can't actually see the ice sculpture because she's in the way.

Can you put it down ?!

He looks at her for the next two days, even on the boat trip when you're meant to see the turtles.

He's so drunk, he's just been sick over the side of the boat.

If this was better quality, you'd see the dribble.

You won't want to see frame 26.

Table mats of the rep's cabaret.

What ?!

It doesn't matter where you sit, right ? Look. Look. He fancies her !

I don't think he does.

This is the clincher. Frame 32 - the pedalo.

What's the idea ?

He's about to give her his number - he gives her his number !

About to give her his number, gives her his number. See ?

I've enlarged this little section here by 400% and got it onto a 24-piece dinner set.

Now, your boyfriend is called Neil, isn't he ?

No, he isn't.

That is Neil. Neil fancied her. but was too shy to say, so Johnny helped him out.

I'm really sorry.

Hope you're very, very embarrassed.

Erm, here, do you want this ?

No !

(sh*t !)

# LULLABY

He's lovely. How old is he ?

18 months.

Must be quite a handful.

Yeah, sometimes.

TELEVISION ON

Oh.

I hope I'm not being too forward, but... would you like to stay ?

Stay ? Yeah !

Yeah ? Really ? OK, erm, brilliant ! Just give me a couple of minutes.

OK.

OK.

That's great. Thank you so much. I'll be back in the morning.

There's plenty of milk in the fridge if he wakes up. Cheers !

I know I shouldn't, but...

(AUSTRALIAN) I'm looking for a guy who likes watching Mick Hucknall, live,...

..who preferably has an open-top car so that my hair can blow about in the breeze.

Sometimes a little bit more like that.

I just think it looks really nice.

That's very good. Very good use of chiaroscuro.

(Sorry !)

(Sorry !)

(Sorry !)

That's a joy. Yet again, it's just lovely. Real sort of Greco-Roman.

(Jane !)

Excuse me.

(Sorry !)

(Yeah ?)

Jane, excuse me. That girl over there. She's smirking.

Right, and that's putting you off ?

Yes.

(Sorry !)

Sorry. The model says that you're smirking and you're putting her off.

Sorry. It's my concentration face.

You just... ? It's not put on ?

Sorry. No, no, no. (Sorry !)

That's great.

Thank you.

(WHISPERS)

(Sorry !)

She says that it's her concentration face. It's just the face that she pulls when she's drawing.

Can you tell her to stop ? You know, I am...

You know, I am... Bare ?

Yes, and it's putting me off !

Right. (SIGHS)

(Sorry !)

She says can you stop, cos she's bare and... it's...

Sorry, love !

It is actually a bit revolting.

It's just subconscious.

If you could just not. Just for her.

Of course, yeah.

What to say about that. It's the numbers, isn't it ? >

Yes, yes. >

Right, that's it !

I'm going home ! You're not seeing anything else.

You've got no authority, and he's got an erection !

He's drawing a car, not you.

Well, still !

Can we draw her back now ?

(WEEPY) I think you'd better go to woodwork ! You've spoiled it !

(WEAKLY) Especially you, Bernard ! You'd better get to woodwork, too ! Woodwork ! Woodwork ! Woodwork !

Hey, boys ! It's time for a story !

Yeah !

Do you want Mummy or Daddy ?

But Mummy's working in Madrid.

'These days, wherever you are...

technology means people who care for you know where you are all day long.'

MOBILE PHONE

(Bloody hell !)

'You're never out of touch.'

Mummy ?

Mummy ? 'Or reach.'

Mummy ?

(ITALIAN ACCENT) De lady that owns zis telephone is, erm... dead.

Car crash. You will never be able to speak to her again. Ha ha ! Ciao, ciao, ciao !

'Don't let technology spoil your fun'

'Just try lying.'

I want integrated marketing approach

Every part of the business should work together towards maximum customer value at minimum cost.

Yeah. Well, I mean, if they do do that then that would be wonderful.

Unfortunately, clients often misunderstand integrated marketing.

It has been much maligned in recent years.

Especially in the USA.

It is integrating marketing communications themselves.

There's a growing diverse range.

Yes.

Broadcast and narrowcast advertising

Relationship marketing.

Sponsorship, events promotions, PR.

Mmm.

And does that really matter ?

(BOTH LAUGH)

I don't know !

Absolutely no idea !

I can't even hold a big newspaper properly !

(BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY)

OWL HOOTS

Down ! Down, you twats ! Jesus !

BIRDS SQUAWK

Arghhhh !

< Arghhhh ! Arghhhh !

< Did I give an order to fire ?!

(SCOUSE) Does like that not mean "sh**t me in the arm or the 'ead" ?

< (CRIES IN AGONY)

(WESTCOUNTRY) It might mean "Come to me... quickly over an obstacle."

Did I give an order to fire, Munch ?! No, I did not ! MEDIC !

Medic !

Medic !

(DISTANT) Medic ! >

Does it 'urt ? Sorry !

You shot me in the pissing arm !

I didn't understand ! You just keep shouting ! It makes us resentful !

I have got a g*n !

That was for you to come to me quickly over an obstacle, you frig !

She's made an error. There's no need to call her a swearword.

I've already said I'm sorry !

f*ck OFF ! Go on, f*ck right off !

There's no need to do that ! It's very demoralising ! "f*ck" is a very aggressive word ! Makes me twitchy !

It could have been any of us that pulled the trigger.

Oh, bloody bollocking sh*t fart !

Know what happens when you talk ?

We hear the words, but you know what all comes through is this - WAH ! WAH ! WAH !

# Wah-wah-wah wah-wah-wah-wah ! #

(GROWLS)

Ever heard of talking nicely ?

If you want to swear, which a lot of us do, then use the adverb "very".

He's f*cking fainted !

He's very fainted ! (LAUGHS)

It doesn't really work, that, does it, Melanie ?

OK. Thank you.

Jane, I'm afraid that was bad news.

The last witness really swung it for the prosecution. Things aren't looking very good.

sh*t.

I can't take this any more !

We have pursued every avenue.

You've got to do something !

I have tried everything.

I'm going mad in here !

I know. I've done everything I can.

Christ !

There is... one thing.

< No, actually, forget it.

No ! If there's something... just anything...

OK, Jane.

Have you ever seen Flashdance ?

Yeah.

You know the woman with the dark curly hair ?

Yeah.

Could you dance like that ?

What ?!

Tomorrow in court I want you to get up and do Flashdance.

Why ?!

Because like you the odds were stacked against her.

She had no-one to turn to until... until she did the Flashdance,...

..and everything was all right.

Just follow me.

# What a feeling !

# I have rhythm now ! Is believing

# I have music now

# And I'm going round And I'm dancing for my life #

To swing it, get the ribbon.

# Take the passion, yeah, yeah

# And make it happen #

Do you think you can do that, Jane ?

No.

Jane ! Come on ! You've got to dance for your life !

OK.

You, you are going down for ten years

I've really tried with you, Jane.

MUZAK

Oh, excuse me. I'd like to see some shoes in the window.

(SURLY) Which shoe ?

I'll show you.

Just describe the shoe to me.

Er... red with a silver buckle.

Silver buckle.

I believe they're your size.

That's amazing !

Do you want to try them on ?

Erm...

There are some black boots over there with really big chunky heels.

Are you sure ? Black boots aren't very in.

I like them.

I really strongly feel they wouldn't suit you.

You just gonna have to go and get them normally. Show-off !

# FATBOY SLIM: Praise You

# We've come a long long way Together

# In the hard times and the good...#

Hi ! I'm Clare.

What's your name ?

(INDISTINCT)

I didn't catch that.

Jonathan.

I still can't hear you.

My name's Jonathan.

You're gonna have to speak up a bit.

Jonathaaaaan !

I nearly got it that time !

Jonathaaaaaaaaaaan !

Peter ?

Jonathan !

Jonathan ! David !

Jonathan !

Jonathan ! Alexander ?

Jonathaaaaaaan !

Nora ?!

Jonathaaaaaaan !

No need to shout ! >

(SINGING) >

Oh, here she comes.

If she does that thing with the yogurt again I'm gonna go feral.

Just ignore her.

Goody mornings !

Here we go, go, go !

Ahhhh !

Mmmm !

Mmmmm !

(LOUDER) Mmmmmm !

(LOUDER) Mmmmmm !

Mmmm !

Mmmm.

Mmmm.

It's so nice ! Mmmm.

Isn't there some post for her ?

There's post for you on the mat.

Really ? Where ?

Really ? Where ? On the mat.

Oh, brillopads !

Happy day !

RADIO

Oh, there wasn't any.

Oh !

I thought there was.

No.

Mmmm !

Mmmm.

Mmmmm !

Mmm. Mmm. Mmmm !

Right, must be off ! Cheerybye !

Arghhh !

(SCOUSE) I'm looking for someone with a kitchen-c*m-lounge.

I have to be able to watch you cook, or have you watch me cook.

I will look at the lounge through a hatch, initially, but long-term I want a through lounge orkitchen.

I can't have one of those men who lock themselves up in the kitchen.

It's not that I believe the kitchen is better than the lounge.

I believe the walls between those areas should be knocked down.

My ideal man would have no need for privacy in either the kitchen or the lounge areas.

He will be a man, and he will have a kitchen-c*m-lounge area all in one.

I believe that dividing those two areas up is wrong, and causes a lot of wars.

(POSH) I overheard somebody on the bus mention the name "Clive Bosom"...

..and I've been smitten ever since.

A man with a bosom in his name is a rare jewel.

Not in a Papua New Guinea sense. I wouldn't want real bosoms or I'd be lesbiterian,...

but a man called "Bosom" is perfect.

I get so smitten I have to pleasure myself saying the name -

..Clive Bosom, Clive Bosom, Clive Bosom, Clive Bosom, Clive Bosom, Clive Bosom, Clive Bosom, Clive Bosom

Ahhhh !

I do hope you're out there. (SIGHS)

# Hey, Bathroom Man

# You came to us, You came to our door

# So many more bathroom suites That we had room for

# Your catalogue was huge

# And your eyes were blue

# We just said "Yes, please"

# We all fell for you

# Hey, Bathroom Man

# Too many walls to see my face in

# Five miles of tiles

# What difference does a bidet And basin

# We've taps throughout the home

# Running hot and cold

# Seven special chrome

# They're meant to look quite old

# All our money

# Down the pan

# All our money

# Have a heart, Brochure Boy

# Hey, Bathroom Man

# You may ask why everything you see

# We went too far

# We bought the pool With matching jacuzzi

# I can't even see

# I'm steamed up cos of you

# My sauna came for free

# With a hundred loos ! #

Hi !

Hello !

Oh, sorry !

That restaurant shut down. I couldn't book anything.

Oh, right.

I feel a bit snookered.

I know a really nice place up there.

Oh, right !

We could go there.

Yeah, we could do that.

OK.

You look fantastic.

Thanks ! And you, too.

Hi !

Hi. Argh !

Sorry ! Sorry.

It's all right. Er...

So you know a place ?

It's just there.

That'd be great if we can do that.

Do you want to walk ?

Let's walk ! OK. After you.