02x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains some strong language.

# Where does our love lie ?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Will it soon pass me by ?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Oh, baby, won't you tell me What am I to do ?

# I'm in the middle of nowhere Gettin' nowhere with you #

Absolutely soaked.

I'm drenched.

Oh. It's disgusting.

This is horrible.

Don't suppose you've got a hairdryer?

I've got one in my pocket (!)

(BOTH LAUGH)

Actually, erm,... there you go.

Thanks very much.

Bring it back when you've finished.

OK, I will.

Right, this is me. Thank you.

And... see you later.

Bye.

Frothy coffee ?

Oh. Thanks very much.

Biscuit ?

Thank you.

Take two.

No, one's fine, thanks very much.

(SINGS) La la-la la-la la-la la.

I am so lucky.

Why ?

To meet somebody as gorgeous as you.

Well,...

You're gorgeous, you're fantastic,...

Oh,...

..you're great, you're a blond Elvis.

You're wonderful, you're fantastic.

Your turn.

Well, you're not nearly as lucky as I am.

And why's that ?

Because I've met somebody as beautiful as you.

I'm not beautiful, am I ?

Yes.

No, I'm not. No, I'm not.

You are.

How ? How am I beautiful ?

You've got beautiful eyes.

My nose ?

Nose is lovely.

It's not there - it's there and OK ?

It's the cutest nose I've ever seen.

(LAUGHS)

That's great. That's brilliant.

Would you mind just writing that down for me ?

There's a napkin.

What ?

Writing that down, about my nose.

Yeah, all right. (LAUGHS)

You want me to sign and date that ?

Just sign it, just sign it.

And hair. Could you do a subheading ?

Something about my hair. Underline it. Something nice.

It's lovely. It's like... a golden shower.

No, that's ambiguous.

Pre-Raphaelite...

Pre-Raphaelite ?

..would be fine.

Do you know what that means ?

A-E.

Yeah, I can spell it.

Right.

Mm.

That's really good. That's fantastic.

Do you mind if I... Can I ask you a favour ?

Yes.

Would you put together a presentation for some girls from work,...

..Lucy, Caroline and Chloe, about how I am attractive actually ?

No slides or anything, not more than ten minutes.

Yeah, I can do that.

Great.

I really think they need to be told.

Thank you, I'll get that.

That seems to be in order. Off you pop.

Everything's moving along. How are you ?

Got any questions at all ?

Well, yeah, I do actually. I don't seem to be blooming.

I'm sorry ?

You know, pregnant women have that glow.

I just don't seem to have that.

Not all women glow, you know ?

Yeah, but me friend Theresa, she glowed loads.

I just wanna glow.

Look, you and your baby's health are absolutely fine,...

..and that's the important thing.

Yeah, you're right. I know.

OK.

Thanks.

Thank you.

But some make-up might help.

I heard that.

Hi.

Sarah Tate ?

Yeah.

I'm running late, do you mind waiting ?

Not at all.

Do you want tea or coffee ?

No, I'll be fine.

Something to eat ?

No... Biscuit would be nice.

Not to worry if there isn't.

Right, biscuit.

Claire's back in a minute, she'll get it for you.

All right, then.

Claire, could you help Sarah ?

Hi.

Hi.

I'll see you in a few minutes.

OK, great. Thanks, Antonia.

What can I get you ?

I wondered if there was a biscuit.

< Um, if there is one...

A biscuit ?

Yeah.

Right, um,... biscuit.

Don't worry. I just said it to fill time. I was just a bit shy.

Hello. Hi, it's reception.

I've got a lady who wants a biscuit. Have you got one ?

Not to worry, I'll ask Sue. Thanks.

Don't worry.

No problem.

It was just a whim.

You haven't got a biscuit, have you?

Sue, I'm looking for a biscuit.

Yeah, just the one.

< Can you ask Gregor ? Isn't he ?

Maybe get Celine to send Barry on a search.

Can he pop it down ?

Thanks, fab.

It's on its way.

OK, I'm sorry if...

Excuse me, you haven't got a biscuit, any chance ?

It really doesn't matter.

It's coming down.

Oh, thanks. Well done.

There's your biscuit.

Thanks, that's really great.

Good.

Thanks.

Ah, right. You got your biscuit.

I did. That was brilliant.

Do you want to finish that ?

Well, whatever.

Wash your hands before you touch the print.

That's right, obviously.

Anyway, this is my favourite pub.

Great !

I love this bar, it's great.

Hiya. Usual ?

Yes, please, Debbie.

What can I get you ?

Um... er... um...

Lager ?

Um... Scotch.

Scotch.

Scotch on the rocks.

This is my favourite pub. I dunno why.

I just feel cosy. Really at home, all snug and lovely. I love it.

Maybe is that... cos all the women in here have got large breasts ?

Sorry, what ?

Is that because all the women are well endowed ?

I haven't really... I've not noticed

What do you mean you haven't noticed ?

Look. There, there, there, there, there.

I... I don't really...

Every woman in here has massive baps.

You don't.

Hey, oh, fantastic pint, Debbie.

That's no problem.

Cheers. You keeping busy ?

Yeah.

Always busy, aren't you, eh ?

At least mine looked real.

Oh, 'scuse me. Can I try this skirt on, please ?

Yeah, certainly. There's a changing cubicle...

All right, cheers.

..just there.

Sorry, that is an inadequate curtain

Could you hold the other side ?

Yeah, if I hold that for you. Don't want anyone looking in.

We have that jacket in blue.

< Oh, lovely, thanks.

Right, here we go. Let's have a look.

It's a bit tight round the waist.

It certainly fits.

Are you sure ? I dunno.

You can wear it.

What about these, what are they for ?

Erm... I think they might be, erm... for the arms.

Oh, right. Oh, right, yeah.

This is good, isn't it ?

It looks good.

What's it look like ?

I mean, it certainly...

Yeah, I like it. It's cool.

Yeah, it's wicked. I'll take it.

# MOOD MUSIC

'Plants.'

'A hell of a lot easier to look after than children.'

Cheers.

Cheers.

I suppose the appeal is the sense of space that he...

..creates.

For me, it's the brushstrokes.

They're so simple as to be arrogant.

Yeah, but, I mean, I think most artists are quite arrogant.

There's a point to it, their inadequacies or something.

Yeah, yeah, I suppose.

Do you want a napkin ?

Hm ? No, no, I'm fine.

Do you think the exhibition worked with photographs and paintings ?

Or, erm,...

Or do you think it would have been better with just photographs ?

I quite liked the painting with the green wash, but...

I'm sorry, mate. Do you know you're tipping it down your front ?

Yeah. I've got a really heavy night planned, I'm just... pacing myself.

I see.

Don't want to get hammered.

Why don't you just have a Coke ?

Don't really like Coke.

Do you want me to get another one ?

Yeah, good idea.

Oh, no. You found the photos.

Oh, God, yes.

Oh, don't look. No, don't look.

Oh, sorry.

Look ! There's me in my tight pink leotard.

How old were you ?

17, 18.

You haven't changed. I bet you'd still fit into that.

I've still got it.

You never mentioned gymnastics.

I was really into it. I did all my BAGA awards. Four, three, two, one

Oh, good...

I've got the trophies up there.

I saw them.

My awards.

Well done.

I can remember some of the moves.

Well, that's nice.

I don't suppose you'd like to see ?

No.

See a move ?

Would you ? OK, I'll show you.

BAGA Four is a sort of bunny hops.

Right, right.

That's really good.

That was BAGA Four.

This looks funny, the, er,...

And BAGA Three, that was...

Actually, that was quite difficult.

This is called a headstand...

Right, well, yeah.

..and into a forward roll.

Forward roll. That's great.

And scissors.

(EMBARRASSED LAUGH)

This is called scissors.

OK, that's great.

Ta-da ! (LAUGHS)

That was BAGA... Oh, BAGA Two.

BAGA Two, that was shoulder stand...

..and into the bicycle.

This is called the bicycle.

The bicycle. I guessed that.

Hey, er...

Oh, BAGA One ! That was the biggest trophy.

Parallel bars, look.

This is called parallel bars.

f*ck, sh*t, bollocks, twat, fanny, arse !

Ow !

Can you give me a hand ?

(BOTH SING OPERA OUTRAGEOUSLY)

APPLAUSE

BOTH: Hello.

Have you heard about the Fallabella ponies ?

They're in trouble due to a distemper virus.

£1 a month will sponsor a Fallabella pony for two years.

If they can't depend on you, who can they depend on ?

Thank you for your time.

Do you want to stop in the middle ?

What's "eine kleine schumph" ?

What's "funfulfos" ?

I made it up. And it's not distemper

Just do it again.

And do that bit, you know, when I came in.

(SIGHS)

Well, all right !

That's 1.20, please.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yes, hello, can I help you ?

Can I have some popcorn, please ?

Small, medium, or large ?

Medium.

No, large.

What I want is... that one.

That one, that one, that one.

That one, yeah.

That one, and the one next to it.

The one that looks like a sheep. That one, yeah.

Ooh, twins. Ha !

Erm... that one, and that one, and that one.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Lovely.

Oh, no, yuck ! I look like a duck.

We'll have to order the tortoise-shell ones.

How long will that take ?

It's probably gonna take yonks.

Yonks, really ?

I don't mean yonks and yonks, but it will probably take yonks.

It'll take ages, then, will it ?

I didn't say ages, I said it'll take yonks.

Right, if I pop back in a fortnight.

If you come in a couple of weeks we can see if they're ready, or if it'll be yonks.

Right, I'm gonna go for it. So, that was a hundred and... ?

170

Great.

They are under guarantee so if you break them, we replace them.

How long is the guarantee for ?

Oh, yonks and yonks and yonks.

So, that's a lifetime guarantee, then, is it ?

Er, no, no. I didn't say...

It's probably best if you have a read of the leaflet.

Er,.. I'll do that when I've got my glasses.

Right.

< THUD

I used to love chocolate pudding with custard, but I couldn't eat that

This cheesecake is disgusting. Really, really rich. Yuk !

Lovely wine, though.

I don't really drink.

(SIGHS)

You still smoking ?

No, I gave up about three months ago.

Yeah, me too, actually.

< I'm doing really well.

BEEP

I like loads of things. Erm, I like watchin' telly.

I like goin' shoppin' with my mates.

I like cooking, as long as it's not anything difficult like a meringue.

I like eating crisps.

Oh, yeah ! I really like crossing my eyes until I can see a purple monster

But it makes me sick.

BEEP

Yo. If you're into space-age dubby with weirdness to f*ck your head,...

..techno rave, freeform funk, new wave, electro sheen, race machine,..

..then call me.

I'm the urban milkwoman.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) Got you.

(SHRIEKS)

Mm.

Mm.

Do you know, this is the first time I've really been in love.

It's frightening. I know I want to be with you always, because I love you.

I love you too. I feel exactly the same way, you know.

If you ever stop loving me, even for a second, let me know immediately.

Would you stop ? It won't happen.

So, I bought you this flare g*n, for the metropolitan area,...

and a klaxon, for when you're local.

If you can't get me on my mobile,...

..use this carrier pigeon,...

..which should get a message to me if you're abroad.

So, is that all clear ?

Do you know how to use those ?

BLOWS

Just emergencies.

Right, Nick ? Great.

(SIGHS) OK. You've gone all quiet.

# ELECTRONIC MUSIC

# I just can't find my friend

# I just can't find my friend

# I just can't find my friend

# I just can't find my friend

# I just can't find my friend

# I just can't find my friend #

# NIGHTCLUB MUSIC >