04x01 - Christmas Special Part 1

[bunniefuu]

# Where does our love lie?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Will it soon pass me by?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Baby, won't you tell me

# What am I to do?

# I'm in the middle of nowhere gettin' nowhere with you #

These pants are my... magic pants.

They make your tummy look really flat.

They're fantastic, aren't they?

I don't know where all the fat goes.

Sssshit!

What?

Oh no, can you see my moustache?

No, just wondering if... you were gonna wear a polo neck.

No, I've got a lovely strappy black top. I'll show you.

Sorry, Jenny!

ENCOURAGING SHOUTS FROM CROWD

CROWD GROANS

YESSSS!

YEAAAAAHHHH!

I'm not wearing a bra, am I?

No.

MOBILE RINGS

Sorry, hang on, two secs.

Hello. Can I sort it out when I get back? I'm on lunch.

OK, thanks, bye. So annoying, aren't they?

They drive me insane.

What is that ringtone? Some kind of City duck?

RINGS There it goes again.

Oh God, I'm sorry. Two seconds.

Hello? Graham, I've just spoken to Brian about this. Can you sort it?

I'll be back in 20 minutes. I'm on my lunch! Bye.

Infuriating. They think by ringing you they can get hold of you.

Why don't you take the battery out? Yeah, or eat the SIM card!

Permanently!

Or you could throw it in the water.

I would love to do that. Why don't you do that?

Do you know, I will. I really will.

You're not gonna do it, are you?

Uh! MOBILE RINGS, SPLASH

sh*t. I just can't do it.

Did you see where it went?

Left.

Your left or my left?

As you're looking at me, my right.

That's not very helpful.

The other way, anyway.

What way? The other way, yeah.

Hurry up! We're gonna be late!

Coming!

I'm ready.

All right?

You've got your belt on under your skirt, you silly mare!

What? Oh no - I've had my windy Bo-Dereked.

What, that is your actual hair?

Yeah.

Urgh!

It's the latest thing, like the opposite of a Brazilian.

You grow it long, pull it, stretch it, iron it out, plait it,

add extensions and little beads at the bottom. It's nice.

No, it isn't. Cut it off.

I've only just done it. You can't cut it off, it's got to grow out.

Did Josie tell you about that?

Yeah, Josie's got one. She says she's got one.

She hasn't gone one, has she?

I am such a nonce.

Why does she hate me so much?

Come on, we'd better stay in. Every week something else.

Does it really pull on your twat flaps?

Yes, it really does.

BLEEP

OK, OK, whoa! These marks here... this is still to do.

That is the bad news. But you know the phrase "opening the window and shagging the night"?

That doesn't apply to me. I've had it all... done, down there.

Up here, all this sh*t still to do. That ... nice.

As far as you're concerned the important stuff is done.

Needs test run. Wait for face.

We only lookin' for one man.

I used to be so depressed all I could eat was Honey Puffs. Horrid!

I couldn't sleep, I didn't take any exercise,

so what I decided to do, after a lengthy consultation with myself,

was to graft my head onto the body of a St Bernard, with huge ba*ls.

It's really done the trick. I'm fit, glossy head of hair,

and I'm a lot more enthusiastic about sex.

So if that little package appeals...

and you don't mind about the ba*ls,

hi!

# MYSTICAL EASTERN MUSIC

Whoa! sh*t! That's... fantastic!

You look... Look at this! I love it!

You look amazing! You look like a... prost*tute!

You know... yeah,... I love it.

Not a street walker. Like a high-class escort. I love it!

I look like a prost*tute? In a men-are-gonna-pay-me-for-sex way?

Yeah! I love it! I'm so proud of you

I can't believe you've just said that.

Wha... Wh...? That's really offensive.

No, no,...!

Can we just go before you ruin the evening completely?

If you can bear to be seen with a fantasy pervy woman.

You know... you look really hot.

OK, thank you very much, bye-bye.

Hi there.

Hi. I wanted um... to book a holiday, if that's all right.

Any ideas on where you'd like to go?

Yeah, I want to go to this Lanzarowt safari.

Right, that is very good fun, but um...

you need to be between 18 and 30... years of age.

I am between 18 and 30 so...

that will be absolutely fine.

Great. When is your date of birth?

Um... it's the 20th of January...

What year?

Year of the Horse.

Right. 19...

1988.

Right, so you're 14.

No, sorry, er... 1990.

Right... so you're... 12.

No, I'm 'aving you on.

1953 -

I was literally born.

Right,... so you're 49 then.

Can't borrow from...

Can't borrow from nought.

1971. Right, you're 31.

'72?

Bingo. You're 30! But you know we can tell from your passport?

Oh. right. So... Oh, I see.

Oh, well, it's 1968 then.

So...

You're 34.

Is there any way we can hoodwink these people?

No, but I do have a nice mini-break to Prague.

I don't want to do any of that.

What I want is - when I fall asleep for my bare breasts to be painted with Greek flags in sunblock.

FOOTBALL COMMENTARY

How's it going? We're winning, just about.

One-nil.

Oh, come... What the...?!

..f*ck was that?

I tagged you. That bloody hurt!

I'm bleeding! No, you're not.

I am! That really hurt! What d'you do that for?

If you get lost, people will know where to return you to.

You tagged me. Yeah, it'll stop rubbing soon.

OK, where's Donna? Don't ask me.

OK, GN are quoting at 15% of growth,

is it possible for us to go to 14?

14% of 9 million?

Er... 1 million 260 thousand.

OK, so we still clear one million?

Mm. Right, where's Donna? We really need her.

We've no time to reprint this at 14.

No, no, GN are leaving. We have only two minutes.

OK, we hold 14 in reserve, we know we have it. Agreed?

OK, everyone. Back on. GN were looking very...

What's the matter? You're wearing a suit teddy!

We said suit teddies!

No, we said long bottoms last week! Long bottoms very clearly.

We said suit teddies very clearly. Can we just go?

GN are wearing long bottoms so we changed our minds. Doesn't matter

Not to you, you're wearing suit teddies! Thanks for telling me

Now I look completely stupid! And so does the company.

If you don't read your e-mails...

Calm down. Roll up your long bottoms and stand behind James.

Come on, we've got to go.

Come here.

Just don't stand up when you're in there.

Can you hide me?

# MYSTICAL EASTERN MUSIC

ENGINE STARTS

I've got a big car!

I've - got - a - big - car!

BLEEP

I'm funny and witty! I'm lying!

I've got me own pea garden and a giant horse!

I'm lying!

I look like a hedgehog!

BLEEP

# ACCORDION FLOURISH

# ACCORDION FLOURISH

# CLASSICAL

# CLASSICAL

# CLASSICAL

I've got a musical box.

# CLASSICAL

SHOUTS

Hup! Hup!

Hup!

CAR ALARM

Hup!

CAR ALARM CONTINUES

sh*t.

PHONE RINGS

Ooh! Gavin, can I have a quick word?

I'm in a real rush. Got an 11.30 with El Presidente.

OK, just a quickie.

I wondered if you got those knickers I sent you last week?

Black lace?

Red satin with little roses embroidered on.

Doesn't ring a bell. Oh no! Er... yeah... no, um...

I'll check with Rachel when I get back to the office.

OK!

Good luck!

Maybe speak to you later?

# FATBOY SLIM: Weapon of Choice

# Don't be shocked by the tone of my voice

# It's the new weapon, the weapon of choice

# Yeah, you can blow this you can blow that

# You can blow this You can blow that

# You can blow this Or you can blow that

# Or you can blow...

BLEEP

In 1886, following a shipwreck off the west coast of Africa,

a small child became part of a family of apes who raised him.

As he grew, he learned the laws of the jungle,

eventually claiming the title The Lord Of The Apes.

Years later, returning to civilisation, he remained confused

as to which laws he should follow. The laws of man, or of the jungle!

Is that you?

Me, music teacher.

I guess you'd be about... 1886...

about... a hundred...

..hundred and sixteen.

Bugger.

BLEEP

I'm looking for a man with a face like a cat's arse.

BLEEP

I've been tempted to swing on occasions.

You know, the old car keys in a bowl.

Um... but... it's scary.

You know... I'm pretty... I am very promiscuous.

But you'd never know who you're gonna end up with.

It could be some freak.

So... so, no! to swingers

but yes... to swingers!

# MYSTICAL EASTERN MUSIC

Thanks so much for coming.

No, thank you for a brilliant evening!

An amazing thing to do with a trout! Fish kettle! I'll fax you the recipe

That would be great. Thanks for bringing all that wine!

No worries. Really nice...

I drank most of it, didn't I?

Well,...

It was a bargain. I'll e-mail the website.

Cool.

See in a couple of weeks? Um... yeah! Brilliant!

Anyway, got an early start tomorrow-

Yeah,...

Chris,... are you ready?

Yeah, just get my coat.

See you Friday. Bye.

Thank you very much.

Can we have a little chat? Mm! Yeah, what's up?

# LAID-BACK R&B

# Had a heavy day? # Uh-huh

# On a dusty road?

# Oh yeah # Through the winter's night

# Too right # With a precious load

# Si-i-i-lent night

# h*-o-o-ly night

# Si-i-i-i-lent night

# h*-o-o-ly night

# Missy Donkey on a dusty road

# Gotta keep on plodding onwards with our precious load

# Been a long time through the winter's night

# Don't give up, Missy Donkey

# Bethlehem's in sight

# Si-i-i-lent night, h*-o-o-ly night

# Missy Donkey had a heavy day

# Missy Donkey carried Mary safely on her way

# Do not falter, there's a star ahead

# It will guide you, Missy Donkey, to a cattle shed

# Ring out those bells tonight

# Missy Donkey # Hee-hee # Had a heavy day

# Missy Donkey # Hee-hee

# On a dusty road # Ring out those bells tonight

# Missy Donkey # Hee-hee

# Had a heavy day

# Missy Donkey # Hee-hee

# In a cattleshed

# Missy Donkey, journey's end is near

# There are wise men waiting for us, Time to bring them here

# Missy Donkey had a heavy day

# Missy Donkey carry Mary safely

# On her way # Ring out those bells tonight

# Missy Donkey # Hee-hee

# Missy Donkey # Hee-hee

REFRAIN FROM GOOD KING WENCESLAUS: # Glo-or-or-or-or-or or-or-or-or-or-or-or-ia

# Missy Donkey # Hee-hee

# Missy Donkey # Hee-hee

# Oh, come all ye faithful

# Missy Donkey # Hee-hee

# Missy Donkey # Hee-hee

# Ding-dong merrily on high

# In heav'n the bells are ringing

# Missy Donkey # Hee-hee

# Missy Donkey # Hee-hee

# DISCO

# It's all right Keep the party burnin'

HEAVY DISCO BEAT KICKS IN

All right? Yeah.

D'you wanna... D'you wanna dance?

I do, yeah!

Great! Been meaning to ask you for ages!

# DISCO BEAT

# Believe me now, when I say

# These words to you

# You have touched the very heart of me, give me strength

# I confess

# When I look

# In your eyes

# Feel I don't want nobody else

# It's all right

# So I give my love to you

# In the end

# And hold on to

# I'll spend the night with my baby